Original subtitles

[dog whimpers]

[barks]

[car horn blares]

♪ I need some meat ♪

♪ On my bones ♪

♪ Gonna get some meat ♪

♪ On my bones ♪

♪ I need something ♪

♪ For my soul ♪

♪ I need some meat ♪

♪ On my bones ♪

‐♪ Brother, my brother ♪ ‐[applause]

Dear friends, I wish you all

a warm welcome to this fall's

most noteworthy opening, the movie Veni, Vidi, Vici.

What you are about to see is a movie made by a true auteur.

A masterpiece by a director well versed in his craft.

But you're not here to listen to me talk.

So please give it up for the director, Karsten Daugaard!

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much, dear friends.

Uh... Excuse me. I'm a bit nervous.

[clears throat] So I'm standing here

as director and writer

of my new movie, Veni, Vidi, Vici,

a movie I'm hugely proud of.

Yeah. It's been on my mind night and day for more than ten years.

It tells the story of a man who falls

but rises up again.

He fights his way back, overcoming all hardship,

to finally prevail.

This film fills my heart.

It is, to use a Danish expression, my heart's child.

Yeah. OK, let's do it!

[applause]

I'd rather not stay for the screening.

My presence will disturb the audience.

I'll stay here.

[door opens]

[man] ♪ If you ever change your mind... ♪

Pelle, seriously, what the hell did we just watch?

[Pelle] Put some life in it, for fuck's sake!

‐What the fuck was that? ‐I felt so embarrassed...

‐It's a shame. I really like the guy. ‐What the fuck was he thinking?

And I read the script! OK, it was never great...

‐You mean they asked you? ‐Yes!

Are you joking? You should be so fucking glad you rejected it.

How the hell do you get money to produce this shit?

What a load of pretentious rubbish!

‐But what the fuck do we tell him? ‐Just tell the truth!

‐If it's shit, it's shit! ‐[both laugh]

‐Maybe we should just tell the truth? ‐We would do the world a favor.

‐Now what? Should we grab a drink? ‐Yeah, we need at least one!

Hello, boys.

Hi, there. I didn't know you were hiding in there.

Yeah, I was in there.

Well, thank you! Thank you for the film.

I'm really impressed with how you put it all together.

Great!

Yeah, the sound was good.

‐Have you been working out? ‐No.

You look pumped up.

No, it was great fun to...

And such a cool title. Vedi...

‐Veni, Vidi, Vici. ‐That's right!

‐"I came, I saw, I conquered," yeah. ‐I'm sure people will see it.

Do you want to come along for a drink?

No, I must take care of the family.

‐Right. Good. ‐See you!

Fuck!

‐Honey? Breakfast's ready. ‐[Karsten grunts]

Did the newspapers arrive yet?

Veni, Vidi, Vici, I came, I saw, I left.

You know, we're invited to Erik and Lotta's tonight.

What do you think we should bring? Wine and some flowers?

A bottle of wine will do.

Goddammit!

What's with Dad?

The movie was panned.

Oh, no...

"The director's ambition was to tell an epic love story,

according to himself."

"But the only evidence of that ambition is seen

in the now epic final image: a pile of dung."

These are the worst reviews I have ever seen.

I think there are good things in this movie.

Yes, some pretty good things, actually.

It's like this. You and I are two old dinosaurs.

We've made dramas about people with emotions.

But today people want tits and ass.

Housewives shedding their clothes, people buying groceries,

trying to find the right cucumber. Stuff we know nothing about!

I have no choice but to put your next project on hold.

I can't raise one krone with these reviews.

Not one krone!

The institute will say no, TV will say no...

Everyone will say no!

Look, you and I made a deal that we would do

the next movie together.

I know, but the situation has changed, Karsten.

If you were a woman, I could play the gender card.

But we can't even do that! It's a complete dead end.

Yeah...

Do something else! But keep in touch. And don't forget your jacket.

Wouldn't it perhaps be possible to...

‐No. ‐No.

[music playing]

[woman] Indeed! I agree.

Karsten? Come here!

Wake up, will you? It's just a movie. Pull yourself together!

Karsten! Cigars?

‐Karsten? ‐No, I brought my own.

Alright.

‐Do you like them? ‐Yeah, they're good.

[coughs]

I don't cough as much.

Is everything OK? You look tired.

Tired? [chuckles]

I don't feel tired. What do you mean by that?

‐Wasn't your movie just released? ‐Yeah, I think around now.

I don't read the reviews, but the one I did see wasn't very kind.

Don't know.

I never read the reviews.

Exactly, we need something to make us more active.

‐Why don't we all try some yoga? ‐I'd love to!

‐Wouldn't that be fun? ‐It's a great idea!

In order to make any money off the film,

it needs to be a box‐office success?

Well, I can only hope people will want to see it.

But you have no idea, right? Doesn't it bother you?

Wouldn't it be nice to have a regular job

where you just know you get paid every month?

I'm an artist.

And you can't combine being an artist with having a monthly salary.

I get it, but, I mean, doesn't it suck to never have any money?

‐What do you mean? ‐I heard Jonna pays for everything.

‐Who told you that? ‐Don't remember, somebody.

It's not true.

It's completely untrue.

Did we miss something?

‐We're discussing art. ‐[chuckling]

[laughter]

[man on TV] So listen to this. Listen to this.

Studies show that a lot of new‐born‐baby dads suffer from breastfeeding envy.

[laughs] How about that?

So there's a lot of dads out there

who wish they could be the one breastfeeding their child.

Now, they don't have to worry.

There's a lot of male breastfeeding devices out there on the market.

You can literally go out and buy a pair of man boobs.

So I guess you just top them up with some mother's milk and then you're ready to go.

When we come back, my sidekick, Mr. Papa Bear, will try on one of these man‐bras.

[man 2 on TV] Oh, hell, no. I ain't trying one of them on.

I was watching that.

We need to talk.

You know I've been talking about starting my own business.

Well, I've decided to do it.

‐To start your own business? ‐I've quit my job.

Do you want some?

‐So what's the problem? ‐[sighs]

It'll be a bit of a struggle, you understand, financially...

Yeah, yeah.

I actually had the most amazing idea for a new script‐‐

Another five‐year plan is the last thing we need.

‐Five‐year plan? ‐Let's be realistic.

I will need your help from now on.

That's as clear as snot in porridge.

‐What was that? ‐[laughs]

That's just a Danish expression. A humorous phrase.

Anyway, I talked to my dad...

and he might have a job for you.

Work for your dad?

[duck calls]

[duck calls]

[duck quacking]

Shit... Goddamn duck.

Well, Karsten, let us be clear.

The fact of the matter is that Jonna provides for you

and has done so for a long time.

You might think I'm old‐fashioned...

but I find it wrong.

What do you think?

You have no opinion, as always.

I'm actually a filmmaker. I'm a director and I make movies...

Karsten, you don't have what it takes to make films.

If you don't get that, you're not only naive

but fucking retarded.

[duck quacking]

Shit!

[groans] You could have warned me.

What kind of role model are you for Sam?

A dad who sits around the house doing absolutely nothing,

who won't contribute even one krone.

‐Jonna is starting her own business. ‐I know.

That's my girl! Driven!

So I want you to take responsibility, shape up your game

and bring in some money. Do we agree?

Yeah...

Then I have an offer for you.

I want you to come work at Eko‐Gris.

‐At Eko‐Gris? ‐I have an open floor position.

I think you should accept my offer. What do you think?

[calls duck]

I studied at the Danish National Film School.

To be a film director. I'm no butcher!

‐I mean... ‐I'm sure it pays well.

This is not about money.

‐What's it about, then? ‐This is about my pride, no?

"This is about my pride!"

‐Are we moving now? ‐Moving? Why would we move?

Well, Dad doesn't make any money and you're starting your own business.

It sounds to me like we can't afford to stay here.

‐We're not moving. ‐Exactly.

Because you're taking the job.

It's not the end of the world to do something other than film.

[phone buzzes]

Anita. Sh.

‐Karsten. ‐Hey, how are you?

Uh... I'm fine, I...

OK, listen up now.

Have you seen that new Danish crime series called The Angels?

The Angels?

Uh... Yeah, my wife's been watching it.

Perfect! OK, so the guy who was supposed to direct it,

something happened and he's out.

And I told them you're available. Can you be in Malmoö by one o'clock?

Let me just check my schedule.

Yes, I think I can squeeze it in.

You'll meet one of the producers. He's an old‐fashioned type,

so put some nice clothes on.

Take the scooter and don't be late, OK? Got it?

Remember you're an important director.

You're worth a million dollars. We're going, babe! Kiss, kiss.

This is where it turns around! Fuck, yeah!

I guess it's a bit like Peter Sellers in The Party.

‐When he's thrown out. ‐[phone rings]

They tell him he'll never work in showbiz again.

‐Fuck. ‐And he replies, "Does that include television?"

Amazing! Hold on... Karsten, we're inside, to the right.

‐Where are you? ‐I'm afraid I'm running late.

Something came up. Maybe more than an hour.

One second... I need to take this call.

What are you saying? You promised you'd be here.

I worked my ass off for this. Where are you?

Uh, listen to me.

The thing is...

I can't come.

Why not? Just come!

You just need to come here, smile and tell him how good you are.

‐Is that so hard? Come here! ‐Listen.

I completely understand. But I really look like shit.

It's no good.

Listen, I don't give a shit...

Hello? Hello? Shit!

We have a small problem.

[man] I understand. But a swimming pool in your living room isn't...

Since it's a housing cooperative... I understand. It's not that easy.

‐Thank you. ‐[hangs up phone]

A swimming pool in the living room?

What a crackbrained idea. Tacky!

‐[phone beeps] ‐What's this? [laughs]

‐Oh, my God... ‐What is it?

‐No, it's just... ‐[phone beeps]

[laughs]

‐But tell me! ‐It's Tobbe, my new boyfriend...

He's sending me...

‐He's sending me dick pics. ‐Dick pics?

‐Don't you know what it is? ‐No.

[man laughs]

But it's nice! You don't see too much of that, do you?

‐Do you? ‐Stop it! Hello.

How about Ralf?

[giggles]

Shh!

[laughs] I'll miss you when you leave.

‐Why start your own business? ‐Yeah, it's intimidating.

But I've made my decision.

Yeah...

Big tie, big ego.

[phone rings]

‐Hello? ‐[man] Karsten, what's up, man?

‐Hello? ‐[laughing] Hey, it's me, Vinny.

‐Vinny? ‐Yeah. What's up, motherfucker?

What the fuck?

‐But what kind of job is it? ‐I have no idea.

But it's sure to be better than working for your father.

So he's a film producer and wants to work with you?

We went to film school together but he went straight to Hollywood.

He stayed for 20 years but is back in Scandinavia!

We were this close in film school.

I trusted him and he trusted me.

Good things are about to happen. Great things!

Do I look OK? Honey, I love you.

Bye!

["Gasoline" by 528 Cherie Cherokee]

[laughs] No, he's gay.

‐John Travolta? ‐Yeah, he's gay.

‐Tom Cruise? ‐He's gay too.

‐Tom Hanks? ‐He's gay.

You know the guy who plays the president...

Vinny, stop it!

You're ruining my whole picture of all the stars.

‐Was everything good? ‐Yes, excellent.

But it must have been amazing.

Hollywood Boulevard, Highway Number One,

freshly squeezed juice...

♪ There's far afar from afar... ♪

The first movie we made in film school, Titanicum.

Yeah, you directed it. Fuck.

We took the piss out of fucking Titanic, and you...

Well, now you're a serious director, which is great.

‐Good times... ‐Yeah, good times.

I sometimes miss those days.

‐Yeah, who doesn't? ‐Listen to me, Karsten...

You're a creative son of a bitch. You've always been that.

But you're an eagle! You're no fucking gull, you're an eagle!

You need space to unfold your wings!

Otherwise you can't fly. You'll crash.

You'll never have that space in Sweden.

Is that what your film is about? Vici, Vici, Vici?

‐It's Veni, Vidi, Vici. ‐Right, sorry.

‐Have you seen my film? ‐You bet I have!

At the cinema, on that big screen... And you know what I saw?

I saw your wonderful, amazing, big, pounding, genius heart,

just like I remember it from film school.

I missed you, Vinny.

I missed you too. Do you know what else you've been missing?

‐Something I know I can give you. ‐Yeah. What?

Fame. Success! Do you know what I mean? Huh?

That's why I want you to work with me here in Copenhagen.

You just tell me what to do. Hopefully it's not television.

Is something wrong?

‐Can you feel it? ‐Feel what?

My chakra! Can you feel it vibrating?

‐Your chakra? ‐The energy. Can't you feel it?

Yeah, yeah.

‐Karsten, I'm fucking with you! ‐For fuck's sake!

‐So tell me what... ‐No, I'll let you see for yourself.

‐May I have the check, please? ‐But what kind of film is it?

Taxi!

Taxi...

You won't get a taxi by saying "taxi." You have to say taxa.

Taxa.

This is it! We need to get rid of some stuff.

It has huge potential.

It's a thousand square meters. The ceiling height is 13 meters.

You can fit jibs and everything.

Can you afford this? It's amazing!

‐Vincent... ‐Yeah?

I'm directing again, you know?

I'll be making films unlike anything my fans have seen before.

I will rip them up emotionally.

‐I'm a film director again. ‐That's the spirit!

You know what?

I have a buddy in Malmoö.

I promised him a carburetor from a jib I have in LA.

I sent one by mail but it never arrived.

‐Could you give it to him? ‐Sure.

‐As long as there's no coke inside. ‐Coke?

‐There's no dope inside, right? ‐Of course it is!

[laughs] I'm fucking with you! Should we go inside?

Of course. I can't wait to see it.

‐OK, are you ready? ‐Yeah.

‐The dream factory. ‐Yeah, hit me!

Hey, guys!

‐Nuuk! ‐Hello.

‐This is Karsten. ‐[speaks dialect]

‐Is he from Greenland? ‐I think so.

I don't understand a word he says, but he's the best I've worked with.

And over there we have Lothar. He's taking a nap.

Let's not wake him up. He needs his beauty sleep.

Suzy.

‐Hi. ‐Hi.

She's new. She's absolutely fabulous.

‐Suzy, this is Karsten. ‐Hi, I've heard so much about you!

Everyone loves your movies. People are full of praise. [giggles]

Thank you!

‐Vinny! What's up! ‐Yeah.

Hey!

Dallas, this is Karsten. Karsten, Dallas.

‐You're American? ‐No, I'm Danish. Just like you.

Karsten Daugaard. It's pretty Danish, right?

‐Did the scene turn out OK? ‐Yeah, it was good.

We're waiting for Georgina to call it a day.

I even did a close‐up retake straight after that first scene.

I'm on a diet of raw egg yolk and Tabasco.

It does fucking miracles.

‐Uh... Raw egg yolk? ‐Mm. And Tabasco.

Yeah, Dallas is like that. He's a method actor.

Your style. He goes all the way.

Yeah, it's like that. It's just rolling.

‐Can I have a quick word with you? ‐Yeah, sure.

‐Is everything alright? ‐Yeah.

What is it?

[whispers] I haven't told Karsten exactly what we do here.

So not too many details, OK? We need to give him some time.

‐So keep a lid on it. ‐I got it.

I took care of the delivery. You don't have to worry about it.

‐Go visit your mom in the hospital. ‐That's awesome!

‐Thanks. ‐Thank you.

‐[woman] Vinny! ‐Hey!

This is Lene! This is our darling and favorite star.

‐Lene. ‐Karsten!

I loved Vin, Veni, Vidi, Vici. I can't wait to work with you.

‐Have you seen it? ‐I downloaded it from Pirate Bay.

Oh, it's already been downloaded...

You're a star, baby. Internet. Tell him about how you work as an actress.

I try to become the person, not act. I give, and I take.

‐And I very much like when you fix the eyes... ‐[baby crying]

[Vinny] She has lovely eyes.

Honey! Honey.

I think I'll go home. Is there something I need to buy?

‐Coconut water... ‐I don't have any money.

Can we talk about last week's salary?

Alright.

Alright.

‐Say bye to Mommy. ‐I love you.

‐Bye, everyone! ‐Bye!

‐Yeah. So this is our little studio. ‐Yeah.

Ah! Georgina.

[Vinny] Alright, now you'll see...

The director in you must be excited.

OK. And action!

Calm down!

Vinny, can I have a word with you?

Hey, guys, you look great! OK? Cock 'n' roll!

Hey, hey, Karsten. What's up?

What the fuck are you doing?

What I'm doing? It's a pornographic movie!

So? What the fuck did you think?

I don't do porn! I'm an artist!

So bring your artistic vision here!

I got some big fucking money guys behind me.

And they trust you because I trust you.

You decide the story, whatever! You decide what film stock you want.

You want 35mm? 16mm? Plus you'll make a ton of money.

I'll give you 25,000 straight up.

Fuck you, Vinny! Fuck you!

["Don't Give A Shit" by 528 featuring Seluah]

Here we go.

[women squeal and giggle]