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00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,036
[ Static ]
2
00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,042
[ Country music plays ]
3
00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:11,614
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
4
00:00:11,646 --> 00:00:17,846
♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would
just explode ♪
5
00:00:17,886 --> 00:00:23,626
♪ When God comes and calls me
to his Kingdom ♪
6
00:00:23,658 --> 00:00:28,558
♪ I'll take all you sons of
bitches when I go ♪
7
00:00:28,597 --> 00:00:30,027
-My turn.
-Hell no.
8
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,704
Man, let me drive
that thing!
9
00:00:31,733 --> 00:00:34,243
Do not touch the trim!
10
00:00:35,003 --> 00:00:37,973
Dan Halen: For the last time,
no one gets in or out
11
00:00:38,006 --> 00:00:41,876
except the names on this list,
which must remain sealed
12
00:00:41,910 --> 00:00:44,910
so that you may never know
any of the names on this list.
13
00:00:44,946 --> 00:00:47,816
But...if I don't know
the names on the list,
14
00:00:47,849 --> 00:00:49,219
how am I gonna know
who to let --
15
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,990
Just be at the undisclosed
location at a time
16
00:00:51,019 --> 00:00:53,719
and date of my choosing
to allow my guests in and out
17
00:00:53,755 --> 00:00:55,315
without knowing who
or where they are
18
00:00:55,357 --> 00:00:57,227
at any given time or place!
19
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,988
Members only.
20
00:00:59,027 --> 00:01:00,057
Members of what?
21
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,064
The Knights of
the Noble Order
22
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:04,396
of the Mystic
Turquoise Goblet --
23
00:01:04,433 --> 00:01:05,903
Damn it, I've said it.
24
00:01:05,934 --> 00:01:08,904
Here, sign this
nondisclosure agreement.
25
00:01:08,937 --> 00:01:10,467
Not there!
On the line.
26
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:11,735
Is that
the writing end or not?
27
00:01:11,773 --> 00:01:13,683
Other security,
get him out of here!
28
00:01:13,708 --> 00:01:15,738
I can't see him.
Can you lead me to him?
29
00:01:15,777 --> 00:01:17,747
Your incompetence
displeases the goblet!
30
00:01:17,779 --> 00:01:19,949
Get out!
Oh, hello.
31
00:01:19,981 --> 00:01:24,591
Merely a spirited game
of pin the tail on the donkey.
32
00:01:24,619 --> 00:01:27,919
The donkey's
over there, fools!
33
00:01:27,956 --> 00:01:31,356
The buckle! It is the mark
of the turquoise goblet!
34
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:32,860
The Knights of
the Noble Order
35
00:01:32,894 --> 00:01:34,934
of the Mystic
"Turquoise Goblet"?
36
00:01:34,963 --> 00:01:37,373
Why, that's
an old wives' tale.
37
00:01:37,366 --> 00:01:39,366
Everybody knows that.
38
00:01:39,368 --> 00:01:40,938
God damn it!
They know about us.
39
00:01:40,969 --> 00:01:44,369
But how?!
You stupid belt buckle.
40
00:01:44,373 --> 00:01:45,773
[ Grunts ]
41
00:01:45,807 --> 00:01:48,937
They must never know about us...
42
00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:50,807
ever again.
43
00:01:50,845 --> 00:01:53,375
Did you see the goblet?
Did it talk to you?
44
00:01:53,382 --> 00:01:54,682
Did it speak
with a accent?
45
00:01:54,716 --> 00:01:56,646
I -- I don't know
a damn thing about
46
00:01:56,685 --> 00:01:58,385
who or what you're
talking about, Early.
47
00:01:58,387 --> 00:01:59,617
Well, you about to.
48
00:01:59,654 --> 00:02:01,624
Just look closely
at this $20 bill.
49
00:02:01,656 --> 00:02:03,626
-How'd you get $20?
-That's right.
50
00:02:03,658 --> 00:02:07,158
It's Dan Halen, chugging
from a turquoise goblet.
51
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:09,095
I can't see nothing.
52
00:02:11,433 --> 00:02:13,003
Aw, hell!
They erased it!
53
00:02:13,034 --> 00:02:14,304
They did?
54
00:02:14,403 --> 00:02:16,303
The Turquoise Knights
is trying to discredit me.
55
00:02:16,405 --> 00:02:17,635
Play me for a fool!
56
00:02:17,672 --> 00:02:19,912
Well, two can play
at that game!
57
00:02:19,941 --> 00:02:21,481
Early,
what are you doing?
58
00:02:21,510 --> 00:02:23,680
Drugs, you dumb ass.
[ Snorts ]
59
00:02:23,712 --> 00:02:26,422
God damn!
Shit! Whoo!
60
00:02:26,415 --> 00:02:28,145
Feel that drip!
61
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,522
All right, you ready?
62
00:02:30,552 --> 00:02:34,562
Step inside
the Fact Shack.
63
00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:36,429
You about to be
truthitized.
64
00:02:36,458 --> 00:02:39,028
♪♪
65
00:02:39,060 --> 00:02:41,030
[ Gasps ]
66
00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:45,832
Early: Watch your step!
Whoa, whoa!
67
00:02:45,867 --> 00:02:47,237
-Hey, hey, come on, now!
-Oh, sorry.
68
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,898
I had a tenuous thread
linking Hillary Clinton
69
00:02:49,938 --> 00:02:52,008
to the disappearance
of JonBenét Ramsey,
70
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,840
and you just walked
right through it!
71
00:02:53,875 --> 00:02:57,445
Sorry, Early, I had no idea
the conspiracy ran this deep.
72
00:02:57,446 --> 00:03:00,916
Hang on. Let me make some
more connections.
73
00:03:00,949 --> 00:03:04,349
Everything you see here
is completely unrelated,
74
00:03:04,453 --> 00:03:05,953
and yet, somehow,
75
00:03:05,987 --> 00:03:09,857
I was able to tie it all back
to the Turquoise Knights.
76
00:03:09,891 --> 00:03:11,291
You ever wonder why
our currency
77
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,955
ain't tied to the turquoise
standard no more?
78
00:03:13,995 --> 00:03:18,125
Because turquoise has no
monetary or aesthetic value?
79
00:03:18,166 --> 00:03:19,366
Possibly.
80
00:03:19,468 --> 00:03:22,938
Now that you said it,
it makes sense. Damn it!
81
00:03:22,971 --> 00:03:24,871
But who do you think
done 9/11, huh?
82
00:03:24,906 --> 00:03:26,906
Are you saying
the Turquoise Knights --
83
00:03:26,941 --> 00:03:29,041
Of course not.
The Jews done that one.
84
00:03:29,077 --> 00:03:31,207
That was the only way
they could control Mars.
85
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,905
Are you even looking
at the red string?
86
00:03:32,947 --> 00:03:36,077
[ Coughs ] These gas fumes
in here are killing me.
87
00:03:36,117 --> 00:03:39,217
Yeah, the Fact Shack is also
where I keep my oily rags,
88
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,593
my broke-up lawn mower,
and all that mess.
89
00:03:41,623 --> 00:03:42,923
You wanna gas huff?
90
00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:44,887
Got plenty.
[ Inhales ]
91
00:03:44,926 --> 00:03:46,756
Oh, damn, this is
funner than hell!
92
00:03:46,795 --> 00:03:50,625
What are you saying the --
the -- the Turquoise Knights?
93
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:53,395
Oh, yeah. Them.
94
00:03:53,502 --> 00:03:55,902
Who knows what they got up
they sleeve at this
95
00:03:55,937 --> 00:03:57,907
very cotton-pickin' moment?!
96
00:03:57,939 --> 00:04:01,339
I appreciate you taking a chance
on my wife's catering business.
97
00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:02,805
So, how many, uh...
98
00:04:02,844 --> 00:04:05,514
Turquoise Knights will we be
needing to accommodate here?
99
00:04:05,514 --> 00:04:08,254
25 white men,
and one cup, yes.
100
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,582
So 26.
101
00:04:09,618 --> 00:04:11,748
Okay, the cup will be
eating, as well.
102
00:04:11,786 --> 00:04:14,586
Uh...here's something festive
and bite-size --
103
00:04:14,623 --> 00:04:16,593
these, uh, BBQ poppers.
104
00:04:16,625 --> 00:04:18,625
You offer me
the crudest of meats
105
00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:20,260
slathered
in sugary ketchup
106
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:25,434
to feed to the most powerful men
in the North Georgia Region?!
107
00:04:25,534 --> 00:04:27,104
-We could revisit --
-No.
108
00:04:27,135 --> 00:04:30,935
I want this buffet
to be Darwinian --
109
00:04:30,972 --> 00:04:33,942
an extinction feast!
[ Laughs ]
110
00:04:33,975 --> 00:04:36,605
We will eat the last
of a species!
111
00:04:36,645 --> 00:04:38,545
Whoo!
Looky, looky.
112
00:04:38,547 --> 00:04:42,117
Somebody's got some mail
they don't know how to read.
113
00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:44,690
Look!
It's the seal of the goblet!
114
00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:47,389
"Dear Purple, Shriveled,
Potential Meat Source...
115
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:50,121
The honor of your presence
is requested by..."
116
00:04:50,158 --> 00:04:53,128
Dan Halen: "None of your
business at an evening and time
117
00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:56,461
that is only of our concern
at a location
118
00:04:56,565 --> 00:04:59,965
that is completely secret
and not to be disclosed!
119
00:05:00,001 --> 00:05:02,801
Signed, Keep Your Damned
Mouth Shut!"
120
00:05:02,837 --> 00:05:05,307
Well, what's
the dress code?
121
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,809
Cocktail or formal?
122
00:05:06,841 --> 00:05:09,341
Oh, you can just wear
this bacon cloak.
123
00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:12,807
Rub this minced garlic
on your less-than-ample bosom.
124
00:05:12,847 --> 00:05:16,147
Not the first time
I've been asked to do that!
125
00:05:16,184 --> 00:05:19,824
There we go.
Now go on, climb inside.
126
00:05:19,854 --> 00:05:21,264
Roll around
in that breading.
127
00:05:21,289 --> 00:05:25,059
Get the cornmeal in
every disgusting crevasse.
128
00:05:25,093 --> 00:05:26,703
Not the first time
I've been asked to do that!
129
00:05:26,728 --> 00:05:28,228
...you've been asked
to do that.
130
00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:30,902
Yes, I heard your stale
sexual innuendo.
131
00:05:30,932 --> 00:05:33,232
You won't be missed!
132
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:35,997
I guess I'll see you
at the thing, Mr. Halen.
133
00:05:36,037 --> 00:05:39,337
You will not see
anything at anything!
134
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:42,183
Okay.
135
00:05:42,210 --> 00:05:43,680
Early?
136
00:05:43,712 --> 00:05:45,852
-Shh.
-That's the axle, Early.
137
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,350
It's the what now?
138
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:49,621
Aah! Aah! Aah!
139
00:05:49,618 --> 00:05:53,718
♪♪
140
00:05:53,755 --> 00:05:55,385
Sheriff: Uh, sir?
141
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:58,893
Sir, I can't know who you are,
so if you're on the list here,
142
00:05:58,927 --> 00:06:01,457
just grab you a wristband and...
143
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:02,895
Oh, I think he's gone.
144
00:06:02,931 --> 00:06:04,231
That there
was a squirrel.
145
00:06:04,265 --> 00:06:06,795
Now, listen.
We need to get that cup on tape
146
00:06:06,835 --> 00:06:08,635
telling them cloaked
figures what to do.
147
00:06:08,670 --> 00:06:11,870
Are you telling me
the cup talks?
148
00:06:11,906 --> 00:06:14,306
It spouts the wisdom
of the ancients.
149
00:06:14,342 --> 00:06:16,912
It tells riddles
of lost civilizations.
150
00:06:16,945 --> 00:06:19,905
And it don't worry itself
with no PC police, neither!
151
00:06:19,948 --> 00:06:21,718
So...it's racist.
152
00:06:21,750 --> 00:06:24,220
Yeah, pretty racist.
Professionally so.
153
00:06:24,252 --> 00:06:26,792
It's nice to finally hear
a cup say out loud
154
00:06:26,821 --> 00:06:28,321
what everybody's
already thinking.
155
00:06:28,356 --> 00:06:31,656
Gobleteers, may I have
your attention?
156
00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:35,900
Don't fill up on these
sub-standard BBQ poppers,
157
00:06:35,930 --> 00:06:39,670
for tonight,
we shall feast on finer fare.
158
00:06:39,668 --> 00:06:41,238
I present to you...
159
00:06:41,269 --> 00:06:43,939
The last known
Appalachian mud squid!
160
00:06:43,972 --> 00:06:45,572
[ Crowd gasps ]
161
00:06:45,674 --> 00:06:47,114
Oh, I'm not the last one.
162
00:06:47,141 --> 00:06:49,911
I got a son, I got a grandson,
163
00:06:49,944 --> 00:06:51,954
I got a infrequently-featured
daughter.
164
00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:53,250
Here, here.
165
00:06:53,281 --> 00:06:55,681
Lap up the bourbon glaze
from your navel.
166
00:06:55,684 --> 00:06:56,924
Oh, okay.
167
00:06:56,951 --> 00:06:59,191
Soon the twilight
will overtake you.
168
00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:01,490
Should I be worried
about this?
169
00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:04,932
Early: Oh, hell, it's lit!
Here, swallow my smartphone.
170
00:07:04,959 --> 00:07:06,959
I've set it
to record all audio.
171
00:07:06,995 --> 00:07:08,755
Well, uh...
all right.
172
00:07:08,797 --> 00:07:11,427
[ Gagging ]
173
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:12,765
[ Clears throat ]
174
00:07:12,801 --> 00:07:14,601
You got anything
to chase this with?
175
00:07:14,703 --> 00:07:15,873
No.
No liquids.
176
00:07:15,904 --> 00:07:17,944
My smartphone don't
do good in moisture.
177
00:07:17,972 --> 00:07:19,812
Here, swallow this
cat litter.
178
00:07:19,841 --> 00:07:21,181
It'll absorb the moisture.
179
00:07:21,209 --> 00:07:24,479
My smartphone don't
do good in -- in moisture.
180
00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:28,482
Everyone, everyone,
the cup wishes to speak!
181
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:31,986
I will wet my finger and trace
the lip of the goblet,
182
00:07:32,020 --> 00:07:35,160
and truths shall be told!
183
00:07:36,725 --> 00:07:39,885
This is Early Cuyler, and I've
gotten inside the goblet walls,
184
00:07:39,928 --> 00:07:41,828
and we about to blow
the lid wide open
185
00:07:41,863 --> 00:07:43,563
on the Turquoise Knights!
186
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:46,567
[ Goblet ringing ]
187
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:50,470
Everyone, get nude.
188
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,214
You heard the cup --
189
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:57,880
everyone disrobe and dance
buck naked among the flame!
190
00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:04,024
Make out, make out
like the wind.
191
00:08:04,052 --> 00:08:06,422
Do as the cup says.
Moisten tongues!
192
00:08:06,454 --> 00:08:08,264
Inject them into
each other's mouths!
193
00:08:08,289 --> 00:08:10,389
We can't afford to be
exposed here, Sheriff.
194
00:08:10,424 --> 00:08:12,834
Take them clothes
off and kiss me. Hard!
195
00:08:12,861 --> 00:08:16,831
[ Chuckles ]
When in Rome...
196
00:08:16,865 --> 00:08:19,665
Mmm, yeah.
197
00:08:19,768 --> 00:08:22,038
Oh, wise turquoise grail!
198
00:08:22,070 --> 00:08:24,340
Where do you see
our deeply misunderstood,
199
00:08:24,372 --> 00:08:28,242
all-male, nude collective
going in the next five years?
200
00:08:28,276 --> 00:08:30,106
I'm going to say the N-word.
201
00:08:30,144 --> 00:08:32,854
Please don't say the N-word.
It's very off-putting.
202
00:08:32,881 --> 00:08:35,351
They call each other that
all the time in their music.
203
00:08:35,383 --> 00:08:37,123
-Let it go.
-It's a double standard.
204
00:08:37,151 --> 00:08:39,691
No, it is not a double standard!
205
00:08:39,788 --> 00:08:41,588
We've been over this.
206
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,932
What in the --
207
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,128
[ All gasp ]
208
00:08:45,159 --> 00:08:46,389
Are you getting this?
209
00:08:46,427 --> 00:08:48,797
Point your butthole
toward the sky!
210
00:08:48,830 --> 00:08:56,870
♪♪
211
00:08:56,905 --> 00:09:00,105
Hey, you guys happen to see
a turquoise travel mug?
212
00:09:00,141 --> 00:09:01,411
We lost it here
a few millennia ago
213
00:09:01,442 --> 00:09:03,412
when we were seeding
your planet with life.
214
00:09:03,444 --> 00:09:05,084
Looks kind of like
your belt buckle.
215
00:09:05,113 --> 00:09:06,383
And that big wicker cup.
216
00:09:06,414 --> 00:09:08,584
-And that banner.
-And that cake.
217
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,946
-And the t-shirts.
-And that ice sculpture.
218
00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:12,815
And the full-body tattoo
on that guy's back.
219
00:09:12,821 --> 00:09:15,721
Look, you'd know it
if you saw it -- it talks.
220
00:09:15,824 --> 00:09:18,264
Very intent on starting
a dialogue about race relations,
221
00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:20,292
and not a good one, either.
222
00:09:20,328 --> 00:09:21,558
No, no.
223
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,125
No one here has ever seen
this cup you describe.
224
00:09:24,165 --> 00:09:26,425
Or heard it, in all
of its infinite wisdom.
225
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:29,097
Oh, man. You have been listening
to it, haven't you?
226
00:09:29,137 --> 00:09:31,237
Tell me you didn't put your lips
on it at any point.
227
00:09:31,272 --> 00:09:34,182
Yeah, it's definitely more of
a toilet than it is a cup.
228
00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:35,838
Are you saying
I've been drinking
229
00:09:35,844 --> 00:09:40,454
from a racially intolerant
handheld chamber pot
230
00:09:40,481 --> 00:09:41,981
for over 100 years?!
231
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:43,616
Yeah, pretty much.
232
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,951
Hey, anywhere we can get gas
around here -- but cheap gas?
233
00:09:45,987 --> 00:09:48,117
We all know how stingy
your gas stations are.
234
00:09:48,156 --> 00:09:50,016
I mean, the 93 octane
235
00:09:50,058 --> 00:09:53,188
is 9 cents more a gallon
than the 87 octane,
236
00:09:53,227 --> 00:09:56,297
and there's no noticeable
difference in performance!
237
00:09:56,330 --> 00:09:57,670
I mean, we found a place
that's what?
238
00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:01,598
$1.39 a gallon, but then
you're talking travel time
239
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,195
in between and then back.
240
00:10:03,237 --> 00:10:04,667
It's simple math
right there.
241
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:07,675
You got your mileage and then
your travel time and then,
242
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:10,378
of course, your general
inconvenience of going,
243
00:10:10,411 --> 00:10:12,451
how many miles is that
out of my way --
244
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,120
Sheriff: Then they talked
on and on
245
00:10:14,148 --> 00:10:16,118
about gas prices for a while.
246
00:10:16,150 --> 00:10:17,990
That's about when I left,
247
00:10:18,019 --> 00:10:19,889
and that's basically
how it happened.
248
00:10:19,921 --> 00:10:21,291
Okay.
All right.
249
00:10:21,322 --> 00:10:23,162
The whole squid-extinction
dinner thread --
250
00:10:23,191 --> 00:10:25,231
what happened --
what happened there?
251
00:10:25,259 --> 00:10:28,359
Oh, well, they decided
after all not to eat her.
252
00:10:28,396 --> 00:10:30,626
And it turns out
they weren't hungry.
253
00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:32,034
I don't really know.
254
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:34,466
The aliens
mind-erased me, see.
255
00:10:34,502 --> 00:10:36,702
Well, that's certainly
one explanation
256
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,007
for how this smartphone
ended up in your, uh...
257
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,370
caboose.
258
00:10:40,408 --> 00:10:43,308
But see the rectal
tearing here and there?
259
00:10:43,344 --> 00:10:46,154
That seems to indicate
that the phone was, uh, forcibly
260
00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:48,920
inserted through the --
the ol' outdoor.
261
00:10:48,950 --> 00:10:50,480
But I -- I swallowed it!
262
00:10:50,518 --> 00:10:52,988
I sure as hell didn't put it up
there for sexual pleasure,
263
00:10:53,021 --> 00:10:54,421
if that's what
you're thinking.
264
00:10:54,455 --> 00:10:55,815
Oh, it's not just
what I'm thinking.
265
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,526
-Then I want a second opinion!
-Fine, here.
266
00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:00,329
Do you believe a word
of this bullshit
267
00:11:00,361 --> 00:11:03,101
about the aliens
and the talking cup?
268
00:11:03,131 --> 00:11:05,371
[ High-pitched ]
Hell no.
269
00:11:07,201 --> 00:11:12,111
Made in Georgia.
20079
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