1 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,036 [ Static ] 2 00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,042 [ Country music plays ] 3 00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:11,614 ♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪ 4 00:00:11,646 --> 00:00:17,846 ♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪ 5 00:00:17,886 --> 00:00:23,626 ♪ When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom ♪ 6 00:00:23,658 --> 00:00:28,558 ♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪ 7 00:00:28,597 --> 00:00:30,027 -My turn. -Hell no. 8 00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,704 Man, let me drive that thing! 9 00:00:31,733 --> 00:00:34,243 Do not touch the trim! 10 00:00:35,003 --> 00:00:37,973 Dan Halen: For the last time, no one gets in or out 11 00:00:38,006 --> 00:00:41,876 except the names on this list, which must remain sealed 12 00:00:41,910 --> 00:00:44,910 so that you may never know any of the names on this list. 13 00:00:44,946 --> 00:00:47,816 But...if I don't know the names on the list, 14 00:00:47,849 --> 00:00:49,219 how am I gonna know who to let -- 15 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,990 Just be at the undisclosed location at a time 16 00:00:51,019 --> 00:00:53,719 and date of my choosing to allow my guests in and out 17 00:00:53,755 --> 00:00:55,315 without knowing who or where they are 18 00:00:55,357 --> 00:00:57,227 at any given time or place! 19 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,988 Members only. 20 00:00:59,027 --> 00:01:00,057 Members of what? 21 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,064 The Knights of the Noble Order 22 00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:04,396 of the Mystic Turquoise Goblet -- 23 00:01:04,433 --> 00:01:05,903 Damn it, I've said it. 24 00:01:05,934 --> 00:01:08,904 Here, sign this nondisclosure agreement. 25 00:01:08,937 --> 00:01:10,467 Not there! On the line. 26 00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:11,735 Is that the writing end or not? 27 00:01:11,773 --> 00:01:13,683 Other security, get him out of here! 28 00:01:13,708 --> 00:01:15,738 I can't see him. Can you lead me to him? 29 00:01:15,777 --> 00:01:17,747 Your incompetence displeases the goblet! 30 00:01:17,779 --> 00:01:19,949 Get out! Oh, hello. 31 00:01:19,981 --> 00:01:24,591 Merely a spirited game of pin the tail on the donkey. 32 00:01:24,619 --> 00:01:27,919 The donkey's over there, fools! 33 00:01:27,956 --> 00:01:31,356 The buckle! It is the mark of the turquoise goblet! 34 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:32,860 The Knights of the Noble Order 35 00:01:32,894 --> 00:01:34,934 of the Mystic "Turquoise Goblet"? 36 00:01:34,963 --> 00:01:37,373 Why, that's an old wives' tale. 37 00:01:37,366 --> 00:01:39,366 Everybody knows that. 38 00:01:39,368 --> 00:01:40,938 God damn it! They know about us. 39 00:01:40,969 --> 00:01:44,369 But how?! You stupid belt buckle. 40 00:01:44,373 --> 00:01:45,773 [ Grunts ] 41 00:01:45,807 --> 00:01:48,937 They must never know about us... 42 00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:50,807 ever again. 43 00:01:50,845 --> 00:01:53,375 Did you see the goblet? Did it talk to you? 44 00:01:53,382 --> 00:01:54,682 Did it speak with a accent? 45 00:01:54,716 --> 00:01:56,646 I -- I don't know a damn thing about 46 00:01:56,685 --> 00:01:58,385 who or what you're talking about, Early. 47 00:01:58,387 --> 00:01:59,617 Well, you about to. 48 00:01:59,654 --> 00:02:01,624 Just look closely at this $20 bill. 49 00:02:01,656 --> 00:02:03,626 -How'd you get $20? -That's right. 50 00:02:03,658 --> 00:02:07,158 It's Dan Halen, chugging from a turquoise goblet. 51 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:09,095 I can't see nothing. 52 00:02:11,433 --> 00:02:13,003 Aw, hell! They erased it! 53 00:02:13,034 --> 00:02:14,304 They did? 54 00:02:14,403 --> 00:02:16,303 The Turquoise Knights is trying to discredit me. 55 00:02:16,405 --> 00:02:17,635 Play me for a fool! 56 00:02:17,672 --> 00:02:19,912 Well, two can play at that game! 57 00:02:19,941 --> 00:02:21,481 Early, what are you doing? 58 00:02:21,510 --> 00:02:23,680 Drugs, you dumb ass. [ Snorts ] 59 00:02:23,712 --> 00:02:26,422 God damn! Shit! Whoo! 60 00:02:26,415 --> 00:02:28,145 Feel that drip! 61 00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,522 All right, you ready? 62 00:02:30,552 --> 00:02:34,562 Step inside the Fact Shack. 63 00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:36,429 You about to be truthitized. 64 00:02:36,458 --> 00:02:39,028 ♪♪ 65 00:02:39,060 --> 00:02:41,030 [ Gasps ] 66 00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:45,832 Early: Watch your step! Whoa, whoa! 67 00:02:45,867 --> 00:02:47,237 -Hey, hey, come on, now! -Oh, sorry. 68 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,898 I had a tenuous thread linking Hillary Clinton 69 00:02:49,938 --> 00:02:52,008 to the disappearance of JonBenét Ramsey, 70 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,840 and you just walked right through it! 71 00:02:53,875 --> 00:02:57,445 Sorry, Early, I had no idea the conspiracy ran this deep. 72 00:02:57,446 --> 00:03:00,916 Hang on. Let me make some more connections. 73 00:03:00,949 --> 00:03:04,349 Everything you see here is completely unrelated, 74 00:03:04,453 --> 00:03:05,953 and yet, somehow, 75 00:03:05,987 --> 00:03:09,857 I was able to tie it all back to the Turquoise Knights. 76 00:03:09,891 --> 00:03:11,291 You ever wonder why our currency 77 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,955 ain't tied to the turquoise standard no more? 78 00:03:13,995 --> 00:03:18,125 Because turquoise has no monetary or aesthetic value? 79 00:03:18,166 --> 00:03:19,366 Possibly. 80 00:03:19,468 --> 00:03:22,938 Now that you said it, it makes sense. Damn it! 81 00:03:22,971 --> 00:03:24,871 But who do you think done 9/11, huh? 82 00:03:24,906 --> 00:03:26,906 Are you saying the Turquoise Knights -- 83 00:03:26,941 --> 00:03:29,041 Of course not. The Jews done that one. 84 00:03:29,077 --> 00:03:31,207 That was the only way they could control Mars. 85 00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,905 Are you even looking at the red string? 86 00:03:32,947 --> 00:03:36,077 [ Coughs ] These gas fumes in here are killing me. 87 00:03:36,117 --> 00:03:39,217 Yeah, the Fact Shack is also where I keep my oily rags, 88 00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,593 my broke-up lawn mower, and all that mess. 89 00:03:41,623 --> 00:03:42,923 You wanna gas huff? 90 00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:44,887 Got plenty. [ Inhales ] 91 00:03:44,926 --> 00:03:46,756 Oh, damn, this is funner than hell! 92 00:03:46,795 --> 00:03:50,625 What are you saying the -- the -- the Turquoise Knights? 93 00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:53,395 Oh, yeah. Them. 94 00:03:53,502 --> 00:03:55,902 Who knows what they got up they sleeve at this 95 00:03:55,937 --> 00:03:57,907 very cotton-pickin' moment?! 96 00:03:57,939 --> 00:04:01,339 I appreciate you taking a chance on my wife's catering business. 97 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:02,805 So, how many, uh... 98 00:04:02,844 --> 00:04:05,514 Turquoise Knights will we be needing to accommodate here? 99 00:04:05,514 --> 00:04:08,254 25 white men, and one cup, yes. 100 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,582 So 26. 101 00:04:09,618 --> 00:04:11,748 Okay, the cup will be eating, as well. 102 00:04:11,786 --> 00:04:14,586 Uh...here's something festive and bite-size -- 103 00:04:14,623 --> 00:04:16,593 these, uh, BBQ poppers. 104 00:04:16,625 --> 00:04:18,625 You offer me the crudest of meats 105 00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:20,260 slathered in sugary ketchup 106 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:25,434 to feed to the most powerful men in the North Georgia Region?! 107 00:04:25,534 --> 00:04:27,104 -We could revisit -- -No. 108 00:04:27,135 --> 00:04:30,935 I want this buffet to be Darwinian -- 109 00:04:30,972 --> 00:04:33,942 an extinction feast! [ Laughs ] 110 00:04:33,975 --> 00:04:36,605 We will eat the last of a species! 111 00:04:36,645 --> 00:04:38,545 Whoo! Looky, looky. 112 00:04:38,547 --> 00:04:42,117 Somebody's got some mail they don't know how to read. 113 00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:44,690 Look! It's the seal of the goblet! 114 00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:47,389 "Dear Purple, Shriveled, Potential Meat Source... 115 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:50,121 The honor of your presence is requested by..." 116 00:04:50,158 --> 00:04:53,128 Dan Halen: "None of your business at an evening and time 117 00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:56,461 that is only of our concern at a location 118 00:04:56,565 --> 00:04:59,965 that is completely secret and not to be disclosed! 119 00:05:00,001 --> 00:05:02,801 Signed, Keep Your Damned Mouth Shut!" 120 00:05:02,837 --> 00:05:05,307 Well, what's the dress code? 121 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,809 Cocktail or formal? 122 00:05:06,841 --> 00:05:09,341 Oh, you can just wear this bacon cloak. 123 00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:12,807 Rub this minced garlic on your less-than-ample bosom. 124 00:05:12,847 --> 00:05:16,147 Not the first time I've been asked to do that! 125 00:05:16,184 --> 00:05:19,824 There we go. Now go on, climb inside. 126 00:05:19,854 --> 00:05:21,264 Roll around in that breading. 127 00:05:21,289 --> 00:05:25,059 Get the cornmeal in every disgusting crevasse. 128 00:05:25,093 --> 00:05:26,703 Not the first time I've been asked to do that! 129 00:05:26,728 --> 00:05:28,228 ...you've been asked to do that. 130 00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:30,902 Yes, I heard your stale sexual innuendo. 131 00:05:30,932 --> 00:05:33,232 You won't be missed! 132 00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:35,997 I guess I'll see you at the thing, Mr. Halen. 133 00:05:36,037 --> 00:05:39,337 You will not see anything at anything! 134 00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:42,183 Okay. 135 00:05:42,210 --> 00:05:43,680 Early? 136 00:05:43,712 --> 00:05:45,852 -Shh. -That's the axle, Early. 137 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,350 It's the what now? 138 00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:49,621 Aah! Aah! Aah! 139 00:05:49,618 --> 00:05:53,718 ♪♪ 140 00:05:53,755 --> 00:05:55,385 Sheriff: Uh, sir? 141 00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:58,893 Sir, I can't know who you are, so if you're on the list here, 142 00:05:58,927 --> 00:06:01,457 just grab you a wristband and... 143 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:02,895 Oh, I think he's gone. 144 00:06:02,931 --> 00:06:04,231 That there was a squirrel. 145 00:06:04,265 --> 00:06:06,795 Now, listen. We need to get that cup on tape 146 00:06:06,835 --> 00:06:08,635 telling them cloaked figures what to do. 147 00:06:08,670 --> 00:06:11,870 Are you telling me the cup talks? 148 00:06:11,906 --> 00:06:14,306 It spouts the wisdom of the ancients. 149 00:06:14,342 --> 00:06:16,912 It tells riddles of lost civilizations. 150 00:06:16,945 --> 00:06:19,905 And it don't worry itself with no PC police, neither! 151 00:06:19,948 --> 00:06:21,718 So...it's racist. 152 00:06:21,750 --> 00:06:24,220 Yeah, pretty racist. Professionally so. 153 00:06:24,252 --> 00:06:26,792 It's nice to finally hear a cup say out loud 154 00:06:26,821 --> 00:06:28,321 what everybody's already thinking. 155 00:06:28,356 --> 00:06:31,656 Gobleteers, may I have your attention? 156 00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:35,900 Don't fill up on these sub-standard BBQ poppers, 157 00:06:35,930 --> 00:06:39,670 for tonight, we shall feast on finer fare. 158 00:06:39,668 --> 00:06:41,238 I present to you... 159 00:06:41,269 --> 00:06:43,939 The last known Appalachian mud squid! 160 00:06:43,972 --> 00:06:45,572 [ Crowd gasps ] 161 00:06:45,674 --> 00:06:47,114 Oh, I'm not the last one. 162 00:06:47,141 --> 00:06:49,911 I got a son, I got a grandson, 163 00:06:49,944 --> 00:06:51,954 I got a infrequently-featured daughter. 164 00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:53,250 Here, here. 165 00:06:53,281 --> 00:06:55,681 Lap up the bourbon glaze from your navel. 166 00:06:55,684 --> 00:06:56,924 Oh, okay. 167 00:06:56,951 --> 00:06:59,191 Soon the twilight will overtake you. 168 00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:01,490 Should I be worried about this? 169 00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:04,932 Early: Oh, hell, it's lit! Here, swallow my smartphone. 170 00:07:04,959 --> 00:07:06,959 I've set it to record all audio. 171 00:07:06,995 --> 00:07:08,755 Well, uh... all right. 172 00:07:08,797 --> 00:07:11,427 [ Gagging ] 173 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:12,765 [ Clears throat ] 174 00:07:12,801 --> 00:07:14,601 You got anything to chase this with? 175 00:07:14,703 --> 00:07:15,873 No. No liquids. 176 00:07:15,904 --> 00:07:17,944 My smartphone don't do good in moisture. 177 00:07:17,972 --> 00:07:19,812 Here, swallow this cat litter. 178 00:07:19,841 --> 00:07:21,181 It'll absorb the moisture. 179 00:07:21,209 --> 00:07:24,479 My smartphone don't do good in -- in moisture. 180 00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:28,482 Everyone, everyone, the cup wishes to speak! 181 00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:31,986 I will wet my finger and trace the lip of the goblet, 182 00:07:32,020 --> 00:07:35,160 and truths shall be told! 183 00:07:36,725 --> 00:07:39,885 This is Early Cuyler, and I've gotten inside the goblet walls, 184 00:07:39,928 --> 00:07:41,828 and we about to blow the lid wide open 185 00:07:41,863 --> 00:07:43,563 on the Turquoise Knights! 186 00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:46,567 [ Goblet ringing ] 187 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:50,470 Everyone, get nude. 188 00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,214 You heard the cup -- 189 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:57,880 everyone disrobe and dance buck naked among the flame! 190 00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:04,024 Make out, make out like the wind. 191 00:08:04,052 --> 00:08:06,422 Do as the cup says. Moisten tongues! 192 00:08:06,454 --> 00:08:08,264 Inject them into each other's mouths! 193 00:08:08,289 --> 00:08:10,389 We can't afford to be exposed here, Sheriff. 194 00:08:10,424 --> 00:08:12,834 Take them clothes off and kiss me. Hard! 195 00:08:12,861 --> 00:08:16,831 [ Chuckles ] When in Rome... 196 00:08:16,865 --> 00:08:19,665 Mmm, yeah. 197 00:08:19,768 --> 00:08:22,038 Oh, wise turquoise grail! 198 00:08:22,070 --> 00:08:24,340 Where do you see our deeply misunderstood, 199 00:08:24,372 --> 00:08:28,242 all-male, nude collective going in the next five years? 200 00:08:28,276 --> 00:08:30,106 I'm going to say the N-word. 201 00:08:30,144 --> 00:08:32,854 Please don't say the N-word. It's very off-putting. 202 00:08:32,881 --> 00:08:35,351 They call each other that all the time in their music. 203 00:08:35,383 --> 00:08:37,123 -Let it go. -It's a double standard. 204 00:08:37,151 --> 00:08:39,691 No, it is not a double standard! 205 00:08:39,788 --> 00:08:41,588 We've been over this. 206 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,932 What in the -- 207 00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,128 [ All gasp ] 208 00:08:45,159 --> 00:08:46,389 Are you getting this? 209 00:08:46,427 --> 00:08:48,797 Point your butthole toward the sky! 210 00:08:48,830 --> 00:08:56,870 ♪♪ 211 00:08:56,905 --> 00:09:00,105 Hey, you guys happen to see a turquoise travel mug? 212 00:09:00,141 --> 00:09:01,411 We lost it here a few millennia ago 213 00:09:01,442 --> 00:09:03,412 when we were seeding your planet with life. 214 00:09:03,444 --> 00:09:05,084 Looks kind of like your belt buckle. 215 00:09:05,113 --> 00:09:06,383 And that big wicker cup. 216 00:09:06,414 --> 00:09:08,584 -And that banner. -And that cake. 217 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,946 -And the t-shirts. -And that ice sculpture. 218 00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:12,815 And the full-body tattoo on that guy's back. 219 00:09:12,821 --> 00:09:15,721 Look, you'd know it if you saw it -- it talks. 220 00:09:15,824 --> 00:09:18,264 Very intent on starting a dialogue about race relations, 221 00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:20,292 and not a good one, either. 222 00:09:20,328 --> 00:09:21,558 No, no. 223 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,125 No one here has ever seen this cup you describe. 224 00:09:24,165 --> 00:09:26,425 Or heard it, in all of its infinite wisdom. 225 00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:29,097 Oh, man. You have been listening to it, haven't you? 226 00:09:29,137 --> 00:09:31,237 Tell me you didn't put your lips on it at any point. 227 00:09:31,272 --> 00:09:34,182 Yeah, it's definitely more of a toilet than it is a cup. 228 00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:35,838 Are you saying I've been drinking 229 00:09:35,844 --> 00:09:40,454 from a racially intolerant handheld chamber pot 230 00:09:40,481 --> 00:09:41,981 for over 100 years?! 231 00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:43,616 Yeah, pretty much. 232 00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,951 Hey, anywhere we can get gas around here -- but cheap gas? 233 00:09:45,987 --> 00:09:48,117 We all know how stingy your gas stations are. 234 00:09:48,156 --> 00:09:50,016 I mean, the 93 octane 235 00:09:50,058 --> 00:09:53,188 is 9 cents more a gallon than the 87 octane, 236 00:09:53,227 --> 00:09:56,297 and there's no noticeable difference in performance! 237 00:09:56,330 --> 00:09:57,670 I mean, we found a place that's what? 238 00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:01,598 $1.39 a gallon, but then you're talking travel time 239 00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,195 in between and then back. 240 00:10:03,237 --> 00:10:04,667 It's simple math right there. 241 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:07,675 You got your mileage and then your travel time and then, 242 00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:10,378 of course, your general inconvenience of going, 243 00:10:10,411 --> 00:10:12,451 how many miles is that out of my way -- 244 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,120 Sheriff: Then they talked on and on 245 00:10:14,148 --> 00:10:16,118 about gas prices for a while. 246 00:10:16,150 --> 00:10:17,990 That's about when I left, 247 00:10:18,019 --> 00:10:19,889 and that's basically how it happened. 248 00:10:19,921 --> 00:10:21,291 Okay. All right. 249 00:10:21,322 --> 00:10:23,162 The whole squid-extinction dinner thread -- 250 00:10:23,191 --> 00:10:25,231 what happened -- what happened there? 251 00:10:25,259 --> 00:10:28,359 Oh, well, they decided after all not to eat her. 252 00:10:28,396 --> 00:10:30,626 And it turns out they weren't hungry. 253 00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:32,034 I don't really know. 254 00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:34,466 The aliens mind-erased me, see. 255 00:10:34,502 --> 00:10:36,702 Well, that's certainly one explanation 256 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,007 for how this smartphone ended up in your, uh... 257 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,370 caboose. 258 00:10:40,408 --> 00:10:43,308 But see the rectal tearing here and there? 259 00:10:43,344 --> 00:10:46,154 That seems to indicate that the phone was, uh, forcibly 260 00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:48,920 inserted through the -- the ol' outdoor. 261 00:10:48,950 --> 00:10:50,480 But I -- I swallowed it! 262 00:10:50,518 --> 00:10:52,988 I sure as hell didn't put it up there for sexual pleasure, 263 00:10:53,021 --> 00:10:54,421 if that's what you're thinking. 264 00:10:54,455 --> 00:10:55,815 Oh, it's not just what I'm thinking. 265 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,526 -Then I want a second opinion! -Fine, here. 266 00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:00,329 Do you believe a word of this bullshit 267 00:11:00,361 --> 00:11:03,101 about the aliens and the talking cup? 268 00:11:03,131 --> 00:11:05,371 [ High-pitched ] Hell no. 269 00:11:07,201 --> 00:11:12,111 Made in Georgia.