All language subtitles for TaskmasterNZS02E03

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

- Ta-da!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2021

(DING!)

- Kia ora koutou. Welcome,
everybody, to Taskmaster.

I am Jeremy Wells
and I am the Taskmaster,
and this seat is, no lie,

the Santa Parade Santa chair out
on hire from the parade company.
(LAUGHTER)

But enough about my glamorous
throne. We are here
to judge comedians

doing things I made them do.
The winner at the end of the season

will receive my head immortalised
in gold in inexpensive statue form.

Our competitors are some of the
greatest minds in comedy,

and also Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)

They are David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

the aforementioned Matt Heath,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

and, of course, Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

None of what I do would be possible
without the man who sits

in a much smaller, much shitter,
non-parade-affiliated throne.
(LAUGHTER)

My assistant, Paul Williams!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Thank you.

- Um...

what are you up to there, Paul?
- Sorry, Jeremy.
I found last episode,

my energy levels started to dip,
so I thought I would, um, carb-load.
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I've been eating pasta
all day.
(LAUGHTER)

- Generally, the way
that works is you carb-load
the night before the show.

Takes a while before
that sort of starts to work.

- I guess... I'm carb-loading
for tomorrow?
(LAUGHTER)

- OK. Shall we start with the,
uh, prize task?
- Sure.

Like every week, our contestants
have been asked to bring in a prize.

Whoever brings in the best prize
will get five points

and whoever has the most points
at the end of the episode
will take home all five prizes.

Today, we've asked them to bring in
the most New Zealand thing.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!

- Wow. Urzila Carlson.
- Yes!
- Let's start with you.

- So, I brought in a rugby ball
that I bought in Feilding

from old guy who has lived in
Feilding all his life. There it is.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That is quite New Zealand,
obviously, the rugby― and Feilding
is very New Zealand, isn't it?

- Oh, very. Every time I go there,
they tell me to fuck off
back home, Jeremy, so...

(LAUGHTER)
...that's very Kiwiana.

- Guy, what did you bring in?
- I brought in an NZ cushion,

presumably made somewhere in Asia.
(LAUGHTER)

It's got a map of New Zealand.
If you tilt your head a little
bit that way,

you'll find, very cleverly,
it still says 'NZ.'

- Wow.
(LAUGHTER)

- It's New Zealand
through and through.

- Yeah, I feel like you've really
tapped into what it means to be
a New Zealander with that cushion.

- Yeah, because the fact is
that we are a bit shit.
(LAUGHTER)

- How dare you?
- David, what did you bring in?

- Bag of feijoas.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

It's not in season right now.
Do you know how hard it was
to find a bag of feijoas?

(LAUGHTER)
- Where does the feijoa
come from, Paul?

- Uh, the feijoa is native to
the highlands of southern Brazil,

eastern Paraguay, Uruguay,
northern Argentina and Colombia.
(LAUGHTER)

- As a New Zealand import myself,...
(LAUGHTER)

I feel like we should
include this, because...
- (GUY LAUGHS)

like what I'm hoping
New Zealand will do for me,

we have embraced the feijoa and
it is now part of our culture.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Laura, what did you bring in?
- What's more Kiwi than Six60?
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Remember how they did a big concert
at Eden Park recently?

So I brought in some, uh,
RTD cans that were left outside
my house from the concert.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

But wait ― there's more.

What's more New Zealand than taking
something and upcycling it?

So I took it to a New Zealand icon ―
Sir Richard Taylor at
Weta Workshops ―

- Oh, wow.
- ...and we created the cans into
an original Weta Workshops creation.

There we go.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And I went to Weta Workshops
and made these.

- Wow. You have gone to way
too much effort there for that.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Matt?
- Yes, Jeremy.
- What is your New Zealand thing?

- Well, I thought what is more
New Zealand than New Zealand itself?

So what I did is I got some
New Zealand

and I brought it in a lunchbox.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

This is from the
Waitakere Kiwi Rescue Centre.

That's where I got the dirt from.
So some of that in there
is Kiwi leavings.

And also, if you got some hot rocks,
could be a portable hangi.
(LAUGHTER)

So that's... that's four times
as Kiwi as anyone else's.
- Well, you can make―

No, you can make it five
for your lack of effort.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- I've got to score this now,
don't I?
- Uh, yes.

- It's not going to be easy
cos there's some absolute crap
in that lot.

(LAUGHTER)
- What about hers?

- But I reckon David gets one point.
- (SIGHS)
(AUDIENCE GROANS)

- Urzila, you're two points
for your rugby ball.

- (SIGHS) That's harsh, mate.
- I think Guy is three points
for your cushion.

Matt, you're four points,
and I think, Laura, you went
to so much effort.

- (LAUGHS)
- So I think you should get
five points for that.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- One thing you just can't deny
about this show is that the
Taskmaster's a really good guy.

- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- And I just― I can't wait
to receive the head at the end.

(SNICKERS)
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And the statue.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- OK. Right, let's get your
pretend iPad remote ready, Paul,

because, uh, we're going
to have another task.

- Uh, Jeremy, have you
ever seen movies?

(LAUGHTER)

- Yes?
- Well, you're about
to see five more.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

- I'm ready.

- Hello, Paul.

- Hello, Guy.

- Beautiful.

- It's disturbing, but expected.
(LAUGHTER)

- On with it?

- 'Star in a one-minute,
multi-character film.

- You must play all the characters.

- 'Each character
must be distinctive.

- 'Most character wins.
You have 30 minutes to write
and plan your scene...

- '...and 30 minutes to film it.

- 'Your time starts now.'

- I want a tall guy.
I want a short guy.

I want a tall woman.
I want a short woman.

- I'll just get a pen and paper.

- I need to think about this.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It's not so much
about the storyline.

- No. It's very much kind of
a quantity over quality.

(LAUGHTER)

- I can't wait to see his.
(LAUGHTER)

Shall we watch them?
- Here is a film
with a star-studded cast

headlined by Laura Daniel,
Laura Daniel, and breakout star
Laura Daniel.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- (WOMAN SCREAMS)

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

Detective, thank God you're here.
- I came as quick as I heard.
Show me where are the suspects.

- COCKNEY ACCENT: Please 'urry,
Detectives. All the suspects
are upstairs in the dining room.

(LAUGHTER)

- CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: Oh, Detective,
thank God. (PANTS)

There's Toby Tullman,
the town clerk,

Woody Handman,
the one-handed wood carpenter,...
(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS IN FRENCH ACCENT)
- ...Francois,...

- One more time, boys.
(PLAYS TUNELESSLY)
- ...the violinist from Titanic,...

- (SCREECHES)
- ...Godzilla,

the old gentleman, Gerald,

Robert,...
- 'Sup?

- ...the Pink Lady,...

- (MAKES WHOOSHING NOISES)
- ...Ocean Queen,

Rob Anne Hood,...

- COCKNEY ACCENT: I was innocent.
I was helping the poor!

- (STRUMS TUNELESSLY)
- ...Jason Mraz,

and how could I forget ― our
poor victim, Mrs Well-Well Wells.

- Well, you all look very
suspicious, but I think
I've solved the crime.

Fake tan sheets and someone
that likes to read the news ―

Jeremy Wells.
(LAUGHTER)

- And I would have gotten
away with it if it wasn't for
your excellent detective work.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Some very distinctive characters
in there, Laura.

- Yeah. I went to drama school.
- I can see that.
- It cost me $60,000.

(LAUGHTER)
- How many characters
were there, Paul?

- In total, there were
17 unique characters.
- MATT: Wow.

- Wow.
- Wow.
- 17.

Who have we got next, Paul?
- Up next, it's a short film
from a tall man.

Here's Guy Montgomery.

- POSH ACCENT: Hello, everyone.
Welcome to the big race.

- There, we see Deirdre welcoming
racers and supporters alike
to the big race,

and let's meet our athletes.

- Hiya.
- Hola!

- COMMENTATOR: Oh, what a wide
and varied bunch from countries ―
all of 'em.

- Oh, hiya.
- Gidday.
- Hellooooo.

- Of course, they're not qualified
to be here.

They're the first person
with a name starting with
the same letter as their country.

- Buongiorno.
- Privet, Russell!

- And now, their wives.

- Come on, Greg.
- LAURA: Ah!
(APPLAUSE)

- COMMENTATOR: What a beautiful
array of people we have
here in support.

- Go on, Austin, you fuck.

- COMMENTATOR: Of course, we have
grandstands full of other supporters

that we just don't have time
to get to in this broadcast.

And it's time to start the race.

I call it from the booth.

(DRUM ROLL)
On your marks, get set,...

(DRUM ROLL CONTINUES)

Go!

(REGAL BRASS MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- MATT: Quality films.
- Yeah. (LAUGHS)

- Fantastic work, Guy. Just on first
viewing, a world international race

that involved a lot
of Caucasian competitors.
(LAUGHTER)

- Yes. They actually didn't show
the planning portion of the film,

but I did opine out loud
that I'd probably omit all
African nations from the big race,

just out of self-preservation,
really.
(LAUGHTER)

- So, you've got no diversity
at all, and the woman are playing
a subservient, non-starringrole.

- I don't remember the brief being,
'Make the most progressive
short film.'

(LAUGHTER)

- So how many characters did Guy
have in his short film?

- Guy had eight racers, eight wives,
one commentator, and one... queen?

- Yeah, that's the queen.
- It was the queen,
which is a total,

pipping Laura by one, 18.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Lot of characters.

God, I'd love to watch some more
short films, but it's time to watch
a different type of short film.

I'm talking about the 30-second ones
made up by advertising executives.

We'll see you in just a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back. This is Taskmaster.

Paul, you simply must fill us in
with what's happening.

- So, our contestants
have been making short films
with the most characters.

So, again, quantity over quality.

This next one is a PSA.

Here is budding young filmmaker
David Correos.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Hi. My name is David Correos,
and I think drink-driving
is real stupid.

But not only me.
I've also got a couple of friends
that agree with me too.

- HIGH-PITCHED: Hearing my friends
drive sober is music to my ears!
(LAUGHTER)

- Drink-driving will...
put you to jail.

- I don't like it
when my friends drive drunk.

- It's never a good time
to drink-drive.

- If you do,...

- I'm not sexually attracted
to people that drink-drive!

- GRANDLY: You can circle around me,
but make sure you haven't
had a drop of alcohol.

- COARSELY: It's very sweet
when my friends don't drink-drive.

- Choo-choo!

- In your future,
I hope there's no drink-driving.

- (WARBLES)

- (WHINNIES)

- Bark, bark, bark!

- Ruff, ruff, ruff!

- I just rolled in here
completely sober.

- I have been in the hot desert
for more than 40 years,

but I will never hop in a car
with a drink-driver.

- So what do we all
have to say, guys?

- ALL: Drink-driving ― don't do it.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Great message there, David.
Interesting, that idea of drink
driving your way around the globe.

(LAUGHTER)

Can't remember the last person
to drive around the globe.

- Metaphorical driving.

Round and round,

sober.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- Fuck, I got nothing, Jeremy.
I'm so sorry.
(LAUGHTER)

They were just like, 'Put as many
people on that film.'

- And you put a lot of people on.
- He did.
- How many characters?

- So, in total, including himself,
he had 21 characters.

- LAURA: Whoa.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, CHEERS)

- Although three of them were
a small family of bronze orbs?

- Yes.
- Only one of the family spoke.
- Yeah.

- And, yeah, were they distinctive?
There was strong family resemblance.
(LAUGHTER)

- I think that's one. I think
the family of orbs are just one.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)

- He's still in the lead
by one ― 19.
- Well, there you go.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, it goes 19, 18, 17 currently.

- Whose amazing film are we're
going to see next?

- OK. Well, this one, again,
is less of a film and more of,
I think, like,

kind of a maybe daytime soap opera?

- It's a drama.
(LAUGHTER)

- With her gritty drama,
here's Urzila Carlson.

- Welcome to Sherryl's Nail Salon.
Oh, Chelle, it's just you.

You here for your nails?
- Mum, I need to talk to you
about something important.

And some nails, please.
I think I'm pregnant.
- What? Who's the father?

- Sherryl! Sherryl!
- This is Sean.

- What is this shit that this kid
is a Chiefs supporter?

- I mean, I haven't
given birth to them yet.

- Them?! More than one?!

- No, I―
- Sherryl! That's not my babies,

cos I only nut once, never twice.
I'm really known for that.

- You've really scored a good one
in that boy.

- Go to the bathroom.
See if you can feel heads in there.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi, Paul. Sit.

No one knows who your daddy is. They
think it's that homeless guy that
you keep (MAKES KISSING NOISES).

So, is he your real father,
or just your... (CLICKS TONGUE)?

- I mean, we're waiting for the DNA
results, but up until that time, I
don't see why we can't be together.

- Oh, Chelle! Did you have a look?
What's the news? Do tell.

- I don't think it's any babies.
- (GASPS)

- I just ate a lot for lunch.
- Chelle, it's time for
a Cardonnay and a Dunhill.

- Thanks, Mum.
- You know I hate it
when you call me that.

Thanks,... Sharon?
- Sherryl!

(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- (LAUGHS)

- No drama school.
(LAUGHTER)

Just straight-up raw talent, mate.
(LAUGHTER)

- You know, I try to be generous,
but what the hell?
(LAUGHTER)

- I opened that task

and a bit of me died,

and I was like, 'I can take
this munter, but not these three.'
(LAUGHTER)

I'm never going to do it. I may
as well just fuck around with Paul.
(LAUGHTER)

- So, that was essentially,
like, highlights.

The film itself was
about 14 minutes long.
(LAUGHTER)

So, Sherryl's Salon had five
characters, only three of which
were played by Urzila.

(LAUGHTER)

- All right. Who's up next?
- It's a film from the
twisted mind of Matt Heath.

(LAUGHTER)

- All right.
Welcome to the second annual
Smoking Weed in the Bush Party.

(LAUGHTER)
- Right now, you should have
a joint in your hand

and you should be hidden behind
separate trees. All right?

Smoke your joints and stay safe
out there, OK, people?

(LAUGHTER)

- That's some good shit, man.

- Piwakawaka!

- That's goooood, boy.

- (VOCALISES GRUFFLY)

- Oooooh, feeling rich today.
(LAUGHTER)

- (YELPS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

- (GROWLS SOFTLY)

My parents were killed...

by weed smokers.

So you shall die too!

- (YELLS)

- (EXHALES SHARPLY)

- (GRUNTS)
- (HISSES)

- (GROANS)

- (YELPS)

- (GROWLS SOFTLY)
- (GROANS)

- (GRUNTS)

- Whoa, ho, ho!

Whoo!

(LAUGHTER)

- COCKNEY ACCENT: Ay,
pencil sharpener!

- No! No! (GRUNTS)

Oh, shit.

- Detective Reginald Bathgate
at your service.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That was incredible!
- Came out a lot better
than I remember.

(LAUGHTER)

- Matt did spend most of his time
sort of developing the character
of Reginald Bathgate.

(LAUGHTER)

- What was Reginald Bathgate's
tagline again?

- COCKNEY ACCENT: 'Detective
Reginald Bathgate at your service,'

and then he'd twiddle his umbrella.
- Yeah. See how iconic it is?

- (LAUGHS) It is― It is iconic.
- Only saw it once
and he remembers it.

If your character's really good,
can he be counted as, like,
10 characters?

- No.
- No. But 10 characters
was how many Matt had.

- Oh, that's a lot of effort
to come second-last.
(LAUGHTER)

- It truly didn't look like
that much effort.

- No.
- Really?
(LAUGHTER)

- Paul, how many characters
did we have?

- Urzila had three played by her.

Matt ― 10, Laura ― 17,

Guy ― 18, and in first place
with 19, David Correos.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Got any more of those tasks
lying around, Paul?
- I've got a bunch.

Teamwork makes the dream work,
unless your dream is to work alone.

(LAUGHTER)
It's time for our first
team task of the season.

- (INHALES SHARPLY)

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

- Hello.
- Hello, David.
- Hello. Morning.

- (CHUCKLES) I'm an All Black.

- What's up? (LAUGHS)
- (SQUEALS)

(LAUGHS) Hello, David!
- You look so nice.

-Youlook so nice.
Oh my God, what cool colours.

- Oh, no (!)
- (GROANS)
(LAUGHTER)

How are ya?
- Good. Oh...

- I gotta hug you.
- (GRUNTS) Hey.
(LAUGHTER)

- (GASPS)

- Yes.
- (SQUEALS, LAUGHS)

- Other people! Yes.

- We look like we could host
a kids' show.
(LAUGHTER)

- Do we need to work out
who's in charge out of you and me?

- No, we fig―
I figured I am always.
- I thought I'd be...

- It's up to you guys.
- You don't decide who's...

- No.
- No.

- Laura, you lead the way.
- Laura, you go ahead.

- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- Gorgeous.

- No, I'm good at reading.
- OK, good.

'Build a castle
out of wheat biscuits.

- 'You may not leave the room. For
every dry wheat biscuit you eat,...

- '...you'll be given
15 additional wheat biscuits.

- '...you'll be given seven
additional wheat biscuits.

- 'Grandest castle wins.

- 'You have 30 minutes.

- 'Your time starts now.'

- I'll be resource management.

- Can we get any lubricant
with this?

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, for fairness, one team got
less than half the wheat biscuits
for every wheat biscuit they ate,

and that was because
they had an extra person,

and that person was David.
(LAUGHTER)

- I can see that. It's interesting
because I was sensing a different
sort of vibe from bothteams.

Obviously, there's a real love-fest
going on between you three,

and you two looked like you had
made love at some point,...
(LAUGHTER)

...but were embarrassed about it
and were trying to hide it,
and now it's quite awkward.

- But the sexual chemistry
grew over the challenges.

- No, it did not.
(LAUGHTER)

- Who's up first?
- Up first, it's the young guns.
It's David, Laura, and Guy.

- What do castles have? Turrets?
The only castles I'm super familiar
with are the Disneyland ones.

- Can we glue the biscuits?
- Yeah, that's what this is for.
- Thank you.

- Beautifully-presented
wheat biscuits.

- (HOIKS SPIT)
- These other, older contestants
I feel will be more handy than us.

- Yeah, because they all own houses.

You keep going, David.
You're doing great.
- MUFFLED: Thank you.

- So we're going
to make an entranceway.

- You've got to say the twine
is also of value.
- Mm.

- Yeah, it's an extra decoration.
Here. I'll eat one for you.

MUFFLED: Oh, fuck, that's hard.
- Yep. No, the key is to go small
and steady, like the turtle.

- We could have
a functional door, guys.

- The drawbridge is cool.
- Yep, I can do that.
- Excellent work, guys.

- David, how many
wheat biscuits have you eaten?
- Up to my number seven.

- I'm on to my second.
- Well, I feel I should eat one
out of solidarity.

- Oh my God, David. I love it.
- Picturing them like, 'Whoo!'

- Hey, guys, maybe just start
building blocks for the back.

- I'll glue. You lay, David.
- Nice.

- You guys ever sweat in this room?
- I have sweated so much
in this room.

- I don't have sweat glands,
so I was quite glad
when Prince Andrew spoke out

on behalf of people
who don't have sweat glands.
(LAUGHTER)

It's good to get
some representation.
I'm against all that other stuff.

- Paul.
- You've got four minutes.

- Oh, OK.
We actually need to move, guys.
- OK.

- Shit, shit, shit, shit.
- You know, time flies

when you're making castles
out of wheat biscuits.
- Go, go, go.

- 20 seconds now.
- I'm going to just start filling
in the holes with grout.

- We need a top bikkie.
We need a top bikkie.
- 10 seconds.

- One biscuit. One biscuit.
- I got one biscuit for ya.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) Hands down.

Are you guys happy with that?
- I think any king or queen
would be grateful

for the opportunity to look
at this castle from the front.

- (DAVID SINGS CIRCUS TUNE)

- Do you think the other team
is going to top this?

- Almost definitely.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

- Thank you, Paul.
- Thank you, Paul.
- See you later.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That is a lot of
dry Weet-Bix eating for
what is a pretty rubbish castle.

(LAUGHTER)

But even more concerning ―
your reference to Prince Andrew.

- Yeah. So, I thought I'd, uh,

make a joke on the comedy show.
(LAUGHTER)

- So, David ate 12 wheat biscuits,
which is...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

In terms of wholegrains,
that's about 3.6 times
his daily recommended intake.

- Time now to fetch yourself
a snack, ideally completely
devoid of flavour or moisture.

We'll see you very, very soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five top-tier comedians
are battling to win

the Six60 Weta Workshop
collaboration
we've always dreamed of ―

(LAUGHTER)

a crushed-up can of piss.
(LAUGHTER)

Paul, what's happening, please?
- We're in the midst of a team task

where our teams are attempting
to build the grandest castle
out of wheat biscuits.

If they want more wheat biscuits,
they have to eat a wheat biscuit.

- And just one team remains;
is that correct?
- That is correct,

and it is our dynamic duo ―
Matt and Urzila.

- MUFFLED: It's so dry.
- MUFFLED: It's very dry.

- (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
- I can't understand
what you're saying, sorry.

- Oh, wow. Little bombs of it.
- I know you want to keep it simple,

but would you be open to, like,
that being in the middle, you know?

- Oh, like a tower?
- Yeah, like a tower.
- Where the princess goes?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

- Working with you is good
because it's a slower pace.
I get frantic on my own,

but you're making me feel
like we can just take our time.
- Yeah.

- I'm struggling to masticate.

Wow.
- This is, like,
the shittest glue gun.

(TRIGGER SQUEAKS)

This sounds like my hips
in the morning when I go for a pee.
- (SNICKERS)

- My body is so used
to having milk with Weet-Bix.
- Yeah.

I could try and breastfeed you.
It'll probably come back.

You're just going to have
to give it your all.

- If we had liquid, not only would I
drink it, but we could make a moat.

- Yeah, that's why I said
we need blue paper.

Can you go get me some
blue paper, please, Paul?
- And a glass of milk?

- I can go have a look.
- Have you been able
to get me water all along?

- (LAUGHS) Have you not been
using him this whole time?

- No! I didn't know he could―
- Oh my God! What has your life
been like?

- I didn't know you could
send him to do stuff.
- He's washed my car twice.

- I should have watched
earlier episodes of the show.

- Oh, there we go.
- You've got 10 and a half minutes.

- And we can even do
a couple of Weet-Bix as the...

- ...the drawbridge.
- Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, I don't feel great.

- 35 seconds.
- Shit!
- (EXCLAIMS)

(BOTH YELP)
Get it! Get it!

Mate, that is beautiful! Hey?

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Shit! (LAUGHS)

Normally, I leave these things
with a great sense of shame.
- Yeah.

- But I'm happy.
- Yeah, this is awesome.

(LAUGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Matt ― a real dark horse
on the dry Weet-Bix there.

- How many did I eat?
- Matt ate nine Weet-Bix with milk ―
still not as many as David.

- (GUY CHUCKLES)
- Wow!
- But it was very impressive,

and it made me just want to watch
the footage again and again,

and then while I was watching
the footage, I did see
some pretty interesting stuff.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Watch this.
- (CHUCKLES)

(TENSE MUSIC)

(LAUGHS)
- I've done another Weet-Bick.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS)

- Thank you. Right, and we're
just building the walls.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- I'm just checking
health and safety guy

doesn't spin out if I test it on...
(SHOCKED LAUGHTER)

Can you see?! I don't see a thing!

(CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY)

(LAUGHTER)

- Another Weet-Bick down.
- Oh my God. Youarean All Black.
(BOTH LAUGH)

These wheat biscuits
keep you real regular.

We're not sharing a dressing room,
are we? Cos that's gonna
come out today still.

(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

It says, 'Make the best castle.' We
made the best castle. Let's move on.

Let's not harp on about stuff
that happened in the past.
(LAUGHTER)

- I don't want to relitigate
the whole Wheatbiscuitsgate thing
that's just been raised.

- No, I'm glad! I'm glad you...

opened all of that bullshit out.

Fuck you, man.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Fuck you.

- Mate, you're just angry because
you didn't know to ask for milk.

- I am angry because I ate
12 dry Weet-Bix,

and they came out 12 dry Weet-Bix!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- So, Jeremy, I'm almost
afraid to ask,...
- Mm-hmm.

- ...but how are we
going to score this?

- The thing is you guys
were gonna win.

- Thank you.
- And I was going to award
you both five points.

Sadly, now you both get zero.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
You know, no points for―

- Why?! Why are you going, 'Aww'?!
He's a cheater!
(LAUGHTER)

- So, unfortunately,
that's what happens when you cheat,
and you guys get two.

- Yeah, cool.
- OK.

- I cheated in all the other ones
as well.

(LAUGHTER)
- Fuck!

- So I'm in trouble here.

- Here's another task.
Our contestants are hopping
to chalk up some points in thisone.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

- Hi!
- Hello, David.

- Hello, Paul.

- Oh, gidday, Paul.
How are you, buddy?

- Hello, Matt.
- Ooh.

- Yeah! My 21st all over again.

- Party?
- Task.

- Is this some kind
of party situation here?

- LAURA: That looks like
a lot of shots.

- Oh, yeah. I can smell it.

- Apple cider vinegar.

- Ooh, OK.

Hopscotch.
Not one of my strengths, Paul.

- 'Hop the Scotch
along the hopscotch...

- '...and pop it in the pail.

- 'Most Scotch successfully
popped in the pail wins.

- 'You have five minutes.

- 'Your time starts now.'

- I have to hop on that?
- Yeah.

- Oh, I don't hop, mate.
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Not your thing, Urzila?
- No, I don't hop, mate.
I'm pushing 50,

and I've got only
so much time left in my joints
and I'm going to save it

in case someone chases me
with a knife. I need to...
(LAUGHTER)

I need that little bit of life
left in the joints for that
and not for this shit.

(LAUGHTER)
- Who's up first?

- Up first, she loves
the Springboks, but does she love
to spring from box to box?

(LAUGHTER)
It's Urzila Carlson.

- She likes to spring the boxes,
if you know what I mean.
(LAUGHTER)

Ugh, that is definitely Scotch.

Look how I'm doing it, Paul.

Shit. Balls.

- I think you're supposed to hop
on the same foot, or else it's just
a kind of step, isn't it?

- I've got a prosthetic leg, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
- Do you?

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Don't look, Paul.
- OK.

- It's rude to look at a...

woman who could have been
your mother bouncing around.

It's just the scotch talking, mate.
(LAUGHTER)

You'd think they'd just use
apple juice.

(LAUGHS) I can't do it!

I'm unco as fuck, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
- You're nearly halfway.

- BREATHLESSLY: OK.
That's impressive.

Do you want some, Paul?
- I'm fine, thank you.

- (LAUGHS)

That was a skip, not a hop. (LAUGHS)

You've got 50 seconds.
- Getting easier
the more whisky I drink, actually.

- Yeah.
- Hop! Hop! Hop! (LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- As the second shot started
coursing through me,
I found it a lot easier.

- OK.
- SOFTLY: See ya, Paul.
- Thank you, Urzila.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It seemed like a lot of spillage,
though, to be honest, Paul.

- Yes. Urzila transported
886ml of Scotch.

- How much did I drink?
About the same amount?
(LAUGHTER)

- She consumed five shots,
which is, you know, not so much,

but also not so little that we
allowed her to drive herself home.
(LAUGHTER)

- We're taking a break.
Why don't you fix yourself
a drink of up to 160 shots?

We'll see you in just a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Who will win a cushion
with a map of New Zealand on it?

So much to play for (!)
(LAUGHTER)

Paul, what are we doing?
- The contestants are hopping
some Scotch along a hopscotch

and popping it in a pail.
- Who's up next?

- They're known collectively
as The Boys Club, subcategory ―
No Guys Allowed.

It's Matt and David.
(LAUGHTER)

- In the pail?
- Yes.
- How do I hopscotch again?

(QUIRKY SKA MUSIC)

- That's not good.
Do I have to hopscotch back?

- All the information
you need in the task.
- Oh, hang on a minute.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- Like this?

(LAUGHTER)
And then two?
- Yes.

- (GRUNTS) Like there? Is that...

PANTS: One more? (SIGHS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(PANTS SHARPLY)

(GRUNTS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SHOT GLASSES CLATTER)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- I feel good about that, Paul.
- OK.
- I feel really good about that.

(LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(LAUGHTER)
- How was that?
- Perfect (!)

- Thank you, David.
- Cool.

(LAUGHTER)

(DAVID YELLS LOUDLY)
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Was that a roar of joy
or was that a roar of frustration?

- I was very frustrated with myself
because I feel like I'd, like,
set myself up for a massive win,

and then that―
I shouldn't have folded.
- Yeah, why'd you do that?

- I don't know, man.
- Should have just dumped it in.
- I should have cheated, eh?

(LAUGHTER)
- I should have just cheated!

- David managed to get
3.36 litres in the pail.

- MATT: Not bad.
(APPLAUSE)
- A lot of whisky.

However, Matt ―

4.32 litres.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Who's left, Paul?
- Here's a girl ― Laura,
and a Guy ― Montgomery.

(LAUGHTER)

- (GRUNTS)

Ow! That burns.

- Can I go to the kitchen?
- Yeah.

You've got four minutes
and 47 seconds.

- Mm. Mm.

- So what's the strategy here?
- (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER)

(SCOFFS)
(POT CLANGS)

(SHOT GLASSES CLATTER)

(GLASSES RATTLE)

- No, that's too much.
(LAUGHTER)

- You've got
three and a half minutes.
- Mm.

Mm.

Can I get something
to carry those in?

Out of my way!
(DEBRIS CLATTERS)

Shit!
(LAUGHTER)

- Whose Scotch is this?
- Taskmaster's.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's OK. He needs to cut back.

- I wasted so much Scotch.

How much time have I got?
- You've got two minutes
and 43 seconds.

One minute and 55 seconds.

(FRANTIC MUSIC)

(SCOTCH, PLASTIC SLOSHES)

(THUD!)

- (PANTS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Worth noting that Laura did get
the most shots, uh, in her tummy.

(LAUGHTER)
She had seven.

- Holy!
- Can I also add that,
before that task,

there was a previous task where
I'd drunk half a bottle of wine,

so I was already fucked.
(LAUGHTER)

So, uh, she got 3.12 litres.
- OK.

- And Guy with 4.14 litres.

- OK. So what's make
the overall scores, then?

- One point for Urzila, two points
for Laura, three for David,

four for Guy, and our winner, with
4.32 litres of Scotch, Matt Heath.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- The night is young and so are we,
and I feel like squeezing
another task in.

Can we do another one?
- Yeah, we can do it.
We can do another task.

- OK.
- Here's another task.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

Hello, Urzila.
- Hey, Broseph. (WHISTLES SHARPLY)

- Hello.
- Hello, David.

- Ooh!

- 'Get a photo of the person in
the most extraordinary location.

- 'The person must be doing
a thumbs up with one hand,...

- '...pointing to their thumbs up
with the other hand,

'and wearing a bowl on their head.

- 'Most extraordinary photo wins.
You have until the studio record.
Your time starts now.'

- Mean. OK.

Fuck yes.

- What are you doing later today?
- Not sure.

- Can you do that?

Nah. Not as good as I thought.

(LAUGHTER)
See ya, Paul.

(APPLAUSE)

- Let's look at some
well-placed photos. Urzila?

- I just got my mate Filimon
to take a photo, uh,

at, uh, Mandela's house
in Vilakazi St in Soweto.

- There he is. Oh, yep.
(APPLAUSE)

- That's Mandela's house.
I grew up not far from there ―
an iconic place.

If you don't like it,
you're racist.
(LAUGHTER)

- Uh, who have we got next? Guy.

- First of all, just take
a look at this photo of an
incredible day in history.

- DAVID: Oh my gosh!
(LAUGHTER)

Oh my God!

- This was...

the best day of my life,
until it wasn't.

(LAUGHTER)

- MATT: Wow.
- OK.
(APPLAUSE)

- Quite amazing.
- That is quite extraordinary.

- Yeah, I'd say it's pretty
fuckin' extraordinary.
(LAUGHTER)

- Laura.
- Hello.
- What's your photo?

- We're living in pretty
extraordinary times.
- (CHUCKLES)

- And this photo is of, uh,
a hard worker giving out vaccines
in America.

Also very extraordinary
that the man in the photo

chose to put the bowl on his head
the correct way up...
(LAUGHTER)

and balance it,
rather than wear it as a hat.
(LAUGHTER)

- David?
- Uh, I took mine in the sky.
That one.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

That's my friend, Owen. The person
who is keeping me safe ―

his name is Ballsy.
(LAUGHTER)

- Is it cos his ballsies
were on your back?
(LAUGHTER)

- Very well-accommodated.
We had to go through so much
health and safety to, like,

clear a bowl on the head.
- I was going to say.

Matt, what did you bring in?
- Yeah, I really, really
ummed and ahed about this one,

and it really ate me up inside.
I lost a lot of sleep,
and then I got some intel.

I knew that you would have been
out celebrating your
good friend's birthday,

so when you came home,
I made my way into your bedroom.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- I was extraordinarily drunk,
to be fair.
(LAUGHTER)

I don't think anyone deserves
to get one point,

because I think everybody's photos
were pretty extraordinary.

So I think Urzila, Laura,
and Guy should get three points,

and then I think Matt should
get four points, and I think
David should get five points.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

We have one more task tonight,
and you know it's taking place
right here on the stage.

How will our contestants cope
without the magic of editing?
Find out after this.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Yes, we made it.
We're here at the final part,
ready for our final task,

but first, Mr Williams,
what is happening in Score Town?

- There's only one point in it,
and in first-equal with
16 points each is Guy and David.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right, you guys.
Do you want to head up on
to the stage for the final task?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

What a wealthy-looking bunch
they are, Paul.

Could you make someone read out
the task, please?
- Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.

What about Laura Daniel?
- Okey-dokey.

'Shake the coin out of
your piggy bank.

'You may not open or breach
the piggy walls in any way.
(LAUGHTER)

'You may not touch your
piggy bank until you have drawn
an adequate pig.

(LAUGHTER)
'If Jeremy deems your pig
inadequate, you must draw a new pig.

'Fastest to shake will receive five
points, slowest will receive one.'

- Can you describe a pig so I can
remember? Have they got, like―
They've got a curly tail.

- It's almost like if there was
an example somewhere, Matt,
that you could look at (!)

(LAUGHTER)

- Everyone ready?
- LAURA: Mm-hmm.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- DAVID: Fuck!
(SCATTERED CHEERING)

- Hand up when you'd like
to show Jeremy.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTS, EXCLAIMS)
Oh, David?

Cool.

(FRANTIC MUSIC)

- That's an adequate pig.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(COIN RATTLES)

- That's an adequate pig.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(COINS RATTLE)
- Matt.

- It's an adequate pig.
- Yes!
(CHEERING)

(COINS RATTLE)

- That's an adequate pig.
I can see that.
(CHEERING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

It's an adequate pig.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All pigs deemed adequate.

(COINS RATTLE)

- (SCREAMS) I got it! I got it!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(WHOOPS)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(COINS RATTLE)

- Still― Oh!
- (SHRIEKS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Laura Daniel's coin has emerged.
(COINS RATTLE)

(CHEERING)
- Guy Montgomery's coin has emerged.

- I feel like the Gen Xers
got duds here.
(LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Come on. Oh.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- DAVID: Whoa!

- (CHUCKLES)

Oh!
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

Mine was structurally not sound.
- I mean...
(LAUGHTER)

- Jeremy, I can confirm that
their piggy walls were breached.
(LAUGHTER)

- Come on down and we'll give out
the points. Come on.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

How did the points come out, Paul?
- So, zero points
for Matt and Urzila.

- That's bullshit.
- Three points for Guy,
four points for Laura,

and five points for David.
- Wow.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So what does that mean
for the episode scores?

- With a strong finish to the
episode and 21 points, our winner ―

David Correos!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well done, David. Get up there and
douse yourself in patriotic bliss.

There's a bunch of crap from New
Zealand that you can keep forever.

Go on. Get up there. Good on ya.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It's been a real pleasure
traversing through the wonderful
world of tasks with you alltonight.

We've learnt that whisky
is a gateway drug to hopping,

that modern camera technology
will outsmart

even the trickiest
of Weet-Bix thieves,..
(LAUGHTER)

and that our winner of episode three
is none other than David Correos!

We'll see you all next week.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- Fuck you! Fuck you!
(LAUGHTER)

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2021

- A muffler.

- Jeremy Wells, it's the
most wonderful time of the year.

- # St Nick, give me back
my shoe horn. #

- # Oh, vegan night. #

- JEREMY: I think I speak for
everyone when I say that...

- Oh, fuck!

- ...there was nothing
good about that at all.