Original subtitles

I can't give you an order right now, but thanks for showing me your line.

Blimey boo muh.

it or not.

Well, if you are, it's a greater loss to all mankind than just to you.

One thought I have is that maybe I'm not frigid.

Maybe the men I know just don't have any finesse.

How about we go off before the finesse works?

I think that I'd better examine you. Would you undress there before the

Right there?

I'm a scientist. It means absolutely nothing to me.

You better get up on the table where I can examine you.

All right.

Doctor, I hope your instrument isn't cold.

Now, don't worry. It's getting hotter all the time.

I can see that there's only one test that will prove conclusively whether or

you're frigid.

You'd better give it to me, Doctor.

You want it?

Yes.

Give it to me.

I'll get it right away.

Thanks, Harry.

Doctor, you're marvelous.

I'm not frigid anymore.

How about that? You froze my heater.

My name is Miss Nempho.

Nemphet.

And we have a lot of exciting and unusual things to show you.

That's nothing.

You ought to see what she has to of.

Anyway, we're just crawling with excitement today.

Uh -oh.

That's not all we're crawling with.

Hey, Harry.

I thought you said that you got rid of those before we... Oh, well.

I always wanted to try out one of those new chromium razor blades.

Now let the fun begin, because we've got a lot to show you.

This is the dullest party I've ever been to.

Then why don't you leave?

Well, I would, but I can't find my clothes.

Hello, honey.

Where is he?

Where's who?

All right, what do you think you're doing?

Yes, Mr. Katz. This is Captain Mack. It's an unusual case. You have two sets

female apparatus.

Uh -huh.

That explains it.

Explains what?

All my friends say I have a holier -than -thou attitude.

Then in your opinion, Mrs. Keeler, the top sheet is definitely pinkier than the

bottom sheet.

Can't you do anything right?

He's supposed to be in there.

Why come with me you always say sex is dirty?

So you see, doctor, I have a lot of hang -ups.

Is that abnormal?

Not really, Miss Nuffle.

We all have our little hang -ups, don't we?

You know, you're right.

It's not how long you make it, it's how you make it long.

That, Mr.

Jones, is just another definition of black power.

Well,

General Nutt's off.

Not a thorough sample of what goes on in the United States.

The State Department hopes you're happy.

And yes.

And no.

Well, what's the matter? What did we miss?

You've seen Niagara Falls.

The Grand Canyon.

Seen a hippie demonstration.

The New York Jets.

The Stockyards.

Motorcycle gang stabbing a pedestrian.

You've eaten at the 21, top of the mark, and Wimpy's.

There's nothing left to do.

Not quite.

I have not had an American woman.

You haven't had an American woman?

No. So what? Anybody can have one of those.

If you're really looking for experience, I have something right here.

That is how you say in your country...

A different thing.

That makes you high.

I don't want to get high. I want to get up. I want an American woman.

My orders will make you happy.

Oh, is this a hotel?

I don't care which hotel. Is this a hotel?

Fine.

Just give me any room.

Hi, honey.

You want to come over to room 789 -567456479?

The State Department?

Yeah. It's a government job, so you'll be paid over scale.

Well, I'll give you some privacy now.

Gentle nuts off.

By the way, the desk is unlocked. I hate those knife marks when people try to

force the drawers.

See you later.

Well,

it might have been Madam Chiang Kai -shek.

Hello, sweetheart.

What's your name? I am General Nottshoff.

You are American woman?

American as apple pie.

What? I hope it's not crab apple.

No, no, Bob.

What? No hair?

In Russia, all the women have long black hair like wool.

What? No hair?

In Russia, all the women have black hair like wool.

All the women have long black hair.

Like wool.

Look, Buster, take it or leave it.

If you want to knit wool, get a sheep.

Sit down and suck it to me.

Have we met before?

Who cares?

I'm ready if you are.

But that is, you see, well, this is election day, and I'm here to get the

out. Well, you get out your election poll, and then we'll see.

But you have to vote. That's democracy.

Look, lover, I never vote.

Never? Never.

Why don't you vote?

Because I don't care who gets them.

Down, down, sir.

They say a woman has a better chance to catch a man if she keeps her trap shut.

I just caught four men in a row by keeping it open.

Wow!

Unfortunately,

Mr. Ambassador, there are some situations in which diplomatic immunity

not...

You know ma, I think the boys are beginning to notice me a little

I promised my husband I wouldn't sleep with another man while he's out of town.

So please, don't let me fall asleep.

socket to me, baby.

Wow, you electrify me.

I'm ACDC myself.

Kiss me.

Kiss you?

I shouldn't even be doing this.

Well, things are...

Things

are coming off nicely.

wouldn't you say?

For you students of sociology or anthropology or political science

or even English literature I have an important observation for you.

Isn't watching this a heck of a lot nicer than studying?

And if you happen to be studying nuclear physics I'm sure you'll agree that sex

is a lot nicer than physics.

Of course, that depends how you look at it.

But I'm going to feel naked without it.

Anyway, Audrey, I decided to do something about Jim's coldness to me.

What did you do?

So when I got home last night, I walked right up to him and I said, Right now,

don't wait.

Take off my dress.

And did he?

Yes, he did.

And then I said, take off my bra.

And then I said, take off my shoes and my socks. Yeah, did he? And

he took those off.

And then I said, finally, take off my panties.

I'll trade her horn. How do you like exploring in the African bush?

Oh,

I

think I'll just have my dinner and...

I'm sorry, Miss Carson, your time's up.

Oh.

Well, thank you, Doctor.

I'll, uh, bring a drink.

Yes, please be on time.

Oh, well, you see, I'm starting to have this problem.

I have to stop meeting like this.

My husband's getting suspicious.

Now are you still mad at me because I didn't let you kiss me on our first date

I thought I was the one supposed to stick them up.

Come on, darling.

How many times do I have to tell you to relax?

Then it settles.

You can have the soup.

I'll take the bone.

Look, his fly's open.

Monsieur, when you left the washroom, you forgot to do up your fly.

This terrible oversight has startled the high society clientele which we enjoy

in this fine restaurant.

Therefore, monsieur, I must ask you to leave.

Monsieur, there's one other thing.

What's that?

Monsieur.

Way up.

Tell me, madam, have you been through menopause?

Oh, yes. We were on our way to New York, and we went right through it.

Anyway, doctor.

Here we are again, folks, with another animal that won't be stuffed.

The great white hunter faces another crisis with an unloaded

gun.

Now, Miss Bollardage.

What makes you think people are taking advantage of you?

This picture is making me sexy.

I wonder if there's someone out there who'd like to tear off a little piece.

You would?

Come on up, honey.

You want to tear off a little piece?

Yes, ma 'am.

Thank you, ma 'am.

I'd hate to ask that guy to make a cherry pie.

I certainly do. I know everything.

Okay. We'll see if you know everything.

What year was the May Day adopted in France?

1889. But what's the capital of Mali?

Bamako. Who are Pyramus and Thisbe?

A legendary Babylonian couple who were forbidden to marry and committed

What's a pylon?

A truncated pyramid.

Who composed the opera La Boheme?

Puccini. What is the Pythagorean theorem?

The square of the apotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the

squares of the other two sides.

Okay, girls.

One peep and you're dead.

Please, sir. We're just on our way to school.

Yeah? Then here's your first lesson.

Go on and lie down.

You wouldn't ruin our dresses, would you?

All right.

Take them off.

this is happening.

Won't somebody help us?

Yeah, we'll help you.

You don't have to do it alone. Come on out of those clothes and lie down.

that's not what he does

Well, Mr. Gimmelfard, I want to know, what makes you think your wife

flirts with other men behind your back?

We can't go on meeting like this, David.

My husband's getting suspicious.

Sorry, big boy. I can't handle you.

Say, have you heard?

When a man makes love to a woman, it causes leprosy.

You don't say.

Does it really?

No. But it certainly doesn't hurt to pass the rumor law. Now, does it?

Chief, I've been working undercover all day.

I think I've uncovered some new evidence.

In fact, I'm just about ready to crack the case.

Well, okay.

I give up.

But remember, I did fight before I switched.

I'll be home late, Ma.

I, uh, made a mistake and the boss wants me to do it over again.

Oh, you rat!

When you said you had a $50 a day habit, I thought you meant just drugs.

43. 64.

75.

87.

69.

45.

17.

5. 80.

84. Hey, when do we yell hike?

I'm going to give you a little bath.

Yes, ma 'am. What are you going to wash?

Well, I thought I'd start from here and wash down as far as possible.

And then I thought I'd start from here and wash up as far as possible.

Why don't you wash possible, too?

I see your point.

You were right, Mama.

I passed the aptitude test with my eyes shut.

And this nice employment counselor is giving me a wonderful desk job.

Well, from what you tell me, it's obvious you're incompatible.

Divorce granted.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Goodbye.

Fin man.

Goodbye, Grand Canyon.

It's all right with me.

Come on inside.

But don't blame me if you get dirt all over your knees.

Come on, Marie.

Let's go home.

It's getting late.

Darn it, Orville.

You always want to leave just when I'm having a good time and enjoying myself.

Ah, yes, that's stock closed low.

I'll have to call you back.

Something big just came up.

Are you really?

Really sure your husband is out of town?

Huh?

Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Well,

Mr. Wiseguy, I didn't think you were so good either.

If any of you men are interested...

I'm looking for a new boyfriend.

You see, my old boyfriend turns me on, but he can't bring me off.

I suspect it's because of that time we made out in the department store.

He went down on the escalator and hasn't been up since.

As for me, I had my chance.

And I blew it.

Mmm.

I don't think a little snack will spoil my dinner.

Do you realize, Mr.

Fafnath, that this is going to cost you extra?

People past table 14, don't bend down and take the order. There's a clown over

there with a mocking pen.

Why don't you wash them off?

I know I want to, but someone winks at me.

Go ahead, honey.

Don't be afraid.

It's all a business with me. Oh, I don't know.

I've never done anything like this.

Honey, I told you, it's just a business. Now let's go.

A business?

Sure, honey, you know.

Show business.

But do you really have to do this to get ahead?

Honey, you have to get any part of me.

Tell me, though, what is the value,

the value of all of this?

Value? Honey,

you're cementing a relationship.

And do I have the cement to do it with?

Well, you're not kidding, then. You really are what you say you are.

I told you I was. Now, look here, honey. If you don't want to do it, there are

lots of other pretty girls around.

Oh, no.

No. No, I didn't mean that.

I just meant, is that the way that auditions are held?

It's the only way I hold auditions.

Now, let's hurry it up.

Well, I guess... Now, let's move it, baby. I've got other auditions to hold.

Move it or lose it.

I guess a girl has to do this, really, to get ahead in the movies.

That's right, baby.

Now let's come over here and let's get this audition started.

Now, one question now. You really are, what you say you are, you really are a

Hollywood scout.

My honor, I am a Hollywood scout.

You know, scouts wouldn't lie.

Get out of here.

You're lucky I'm not calling the police.

He's got a lot of nerve coming in here. Oh, he didn't have time to do that.

Keep out of this. I'll get to you later.

I hope somebody does.

Now scram and pick on somebody else's wife.

Okay.

Okay, I'm going.

Honestly, George, with your attitude, we'll never get anyone to agree to work

down here.

Now I've got you. I'll teach you to mess around with my wife.

Wait, wait.

Where do you think the money came from to buy our new Cadillac?

And our summer place in the mountains?

coat and your cashmere suit.

You mean? Yes.

Oh, well, well, hurry up. Get your clothes on, man. You want to catch a

coal?

Frigid. I'm not frigid, you idiot.

You've got your finger in my drink.

I should be taking my temperature.

I haven't been feeling myself lately.

Oh, rough.

It's a dirty habit anyway.

You should know what I told the doctor he could do with his old rectal

thermometer.

Thirteen.

Fourteen.

Fifteen.

Sixteen.

Seventeen.

Hey, what's the matter, buddy?

I lose your girl?

Come in.

Look, Sonny, you got the wrong house.

Isn't this the house of Joy?

Yeah, Joy is here.

We got Sally, Mary, and...

Well, I'm here for a loose woman.

Yeah, well, we got him so loose you can get lost.

But you're too young.

Anyway, it costs money.

Oh, I have money.

See?

Well,

Canuckus, if you think you're up to it, who am I to say no?

Come on in. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Before I do anything, I have to get a woman that has a disease.

A disease? Are you nuts?

Why does she have to have a disease?

I'll tell you, it's very simple.

Now, after I leave here, I'm going home and make work to the cook.

And he sleeps with my brother.

So what?

I told you, it's very simple.

My brother sleeps with the maid, and the maid is my father's lover.

And sooner or later, she'll get to my mother, and she'll give it to the

chauffeur who she goes with, and then he'll get it.

Yeah, and so she gives it to him. Yeah.

So what's the angle?

Well, the chauffeur, he ran over my tail.

Come on, honey.

Be a good sport.

But what if something should happen?

It won't. I'll be careful, I promise.

Besides, you're the one who got me in this condition.

Be a good sport.

Well, if you promise to be careful... I promise, I promise. I'll be careful.

Be a good sport, babe.

Remember me, the good sport?

Of course.

It's been a while, but I'll never forget that night.

Once you loosened up, we had a wonderful time.

Gee, you were a good sport. Yes, but you promised to be careful.

And I'm here because now I'm going to have a baby.

A baby?

Geez, this is terrible.

I'm engaged. I'm getting married next week.

What are we going to do about that?

By gum, you are a good sport.

Say, you know the difference between a Caesar salad and making love? The

difference between a Caesar salad and making love?

No, I don't.

Come on. Where are we going?

To have lunch, of course.

I love you.

Oh, hi.

A little higher.

A little higher?

I know it was your first time. I thought you enjoyed it.

But how am I ever going to face my Sunday school class after I've committed

sin twice?

Twice?

Sure.

You are going to do it again, aren't you?

I miss Cosgrove. He's got the job.

Why don't you like to try for a raise?

Just what do you think you're doing?

What do you think we're doing?

You see, I told you he was stupid.

Say, mister, can you let me have $20 .10 for a cup of coffee?

$20 .10 for a cup of coffee?

Coffee only costs a dime. Yeah, I know, but coffee makes me passionate.

Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my arm. Can you give me any relief?

I can give you relief, all right.

Take off your top and get up on the table.

Doctor, that's not my arm.

I know it isn't.

I'm not the doctor either.

Oh, my dear.

I had my tonsils removed.

Then I had my antoids removed.

And then I had my teeth removed.

Oh, gracious, honey. You've had a complete hysterectomy.

Okay, baby.

Oh, my goodness.

Do you mean you're from the vice squad?

Two?

Oh,

Percy. Tell me, is your wife

pregnant?

Oh, I hope so. I wouldn't want to go through that mess again.

Okay, girly, give me your money.

I can't. I don't have any money. Give me your money, and I'll have to search you

for it. I don't have any money, really. I don't.

Okay, kiddo, if you ask for it, I'm going to have to search you.

I guess you're telling

the truth.

You don't have any money.

Stop now?

I'll write you a check.

I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

Everyone told me the first night was supposed to be like a glorious voyage,

sailing into a beautiful sunset.

You can stay at the dock if you want to, baby.

But I'm sailing away without you.

Bon voyage.

You see, doctor, that's my biggest problem. I'm a baseball nut. I dream

all the time.

Now, last night, it was the bottom of the ninth. Hold it a minute.

Don't you ever dream about girls?

No, I wouldn't dare. I'd miss my turn at bat.

Gee willikers.

I didn't think anything as exciting as this would happen to me until I was at

least... 16 years old.

Yes, Miss Russell, you do remind me of my wife.

Except that she can type.

Whenever you're ready, would you please pierce my ears so that I can leave?

Your ears?

Really wore yourself out, honey.

Tell me, uh, Miss Lock and Spill.

Just where did the deputy subpoena you?

Oh, well, once in the motel and twice in the police car.

Please, Mr. Rockenspiel.

Counsel is simply trying to interrogate you.

Do you want to interrogate me?

I certainly do.

Well, it's a little uncomfortable here, but I'm game if you are.

Your Honor, would you regard this as leading the witness?

I'd like to leave the lawyers.

I think I'll hear this case in my chambers.

You know how to catch one of us topless dancers?

I'll tell you. With a booby trap.

I hope you've enjoyed our educational program.

If nothing else, it proves a scientific theory.

The difference between an... It's only about an inch.

Like all serious pictures, we should have a moral.

It's this.

Make love, not war.

Got that?

Make love, not war.

I'll get the message.

I'm ready when you are.

Thanks for the invitation.

I've got the gun, but no bullets.