All language subtitles for Man.of.the.House.2005-Eng

SAYS YOUR SOURCE GOT RELIGION
WHILE HE WAS IN THE CAN.

YOU TRUST HIM?

NO.

SHARP, WE'RE GOIN'
TO A CHURCH.

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T
BRING A HELICOPTER.

EVERYBODY, GET YOUR HANDS UP.

NOW KEEP 'EM UP

AND SAY, "HEY!"

HEY!

SAY, "OH!"

OH!

ALL RIGHT. THEN GO AHEAD.

WE HAVE LEARNED
FROM THE 3 WISE MEN,

THE O'JAYS,

EDDIE, WALTER,
AND, UH, THE OTHER GUY

THAT THERE IS A TRAIN COMIN'

AND IT IS A TRAIN OF LOVE.

MICHAEL ROWED
HIS BOAT ASHORE.

* HALLELUJAH *

BECAUSE HE, TOO,
WANTED TO GET OFF
THAT WATER

AND GET ON THE TRAIN.

HAD THE TICKET.

* OH, MICHAEL GOT OFF-A
AND RODE THE TRAIN *

* HE RODE THE TRAIN OF LOVE

* ROLLIN' DOWN THE TRACKS-A

* THE TRAIN OF LOVE

* WHERE EVERYBODY
WAS HOLDIN' HANDS *

* AND GETTIN' THEIR LOVE ON *

AND I, TOO, WANT TO BE
ON THAT SAME TRAIN.

SO I WILL SEE EVERYONE
NEXT WEEK.

HOPEFULLY.

* GOD BE WITH YOU *

HALLELUJAH!

PERCY STEVENS.
WHAT'S IT BEEN?

3 TO 5 YEARS WITH TIME OFF
FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR?

SHARP, HOW ARE YOU?

THIS IS A CHURCH, ALL RIGHT?

A PLACE THAT'S SACRED.

AND IT SHALL REMAIN
UNTAINTED.

WE'RE LOOKING
FOR AN OLD CELLMATE
OF YOURS

NAMED MORGAN BALL.
YOU SEEN HIM?

HE'S A KEY WITNESS
IN ONE OF MY CASES.

OH, COME ON, MAN.

I DON'T HANG
WITH THAT CROWD ANYMORE.

I AM A PROPHET
IN A NONPROFIT WORLD.

*(Hustle on up to Jesus
by Tree Adams playing)

* YOU GOT TO MOVE
WHEN HE CALLS YOU *

* PICK UP THAT DIME

* YOU GOT TO
HUSTLE ON UP TO JESUS
WITH A SIGN *

AREN'T YOU WORRIED
ABOUT HIM GETTIN' AWAY?

I'M MORE WORRIED
ABOUT HIM HAVING
A HEART ATTACK.

* COME ON AND LOOK FOR JESUS

* YOU GOT TO MOVE
WHEN HE CALLS YOU *

* PICK UP THAT DIME

* YOU GOT TO
HUSTLE ON UP TO JESUS *

YOU WANT ME TO CALL
AN AMBULANCE FOR YOU?

LOOK, MAN,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHY I'M RUNNIN'
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
ALL RIGHT?

I'M ON GOD'S SIDE NOW.

GIVE US THE PHONE, PERCY.

MAN, WHY ARE YOU ALL
TREATING ME LIKE
I'M SOME LITTLE PUNK KID?

ALL RIGHT?

BESIDES, THE LORD SAYS:

"HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN
CAST THE FIRST STONE."

WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?

IT SLIPPED.

WHERE'S THE DAMN PHONE AT?

HOLY COW!

IT'S--IT'S A MUSICAL COW.
LOOK AT IT. IT'S A MIRACLE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE PARTING
OF THE RED SEA.

OR, UH... OR THE TIME
I SAW MIKE TYSON'S FACE
IN A TACO.

WHAT IS HE DOIN'?
WHAT IS HE DOIN'?

NO. I KNOW HE'S NOT
ABOUT TO DO THAT.

NO. COME ON, MAN.

HE--HE GONNA REALLY PUT
HIS HAND UP THAT COW?

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
IT'S AGAINST
THE COW'S RIGHTS, MAN.

WHAT'S UP WITH THE...
EW! EW!

ALL THE WAY--
IN THE HAND...

OH! IT'S FOR YOU.

HELLO.

HEY, HEY, HEY, MORGAN.
CALM--CALM DOWN, MAN.

ALL UNITS, STAND BY
FOR THE WHEREABOUTS
OF OUR FRIEND MORGAN BALL.

THEY'RE COMIN' IN.

TEXAS RANGERS LOOKING
FOR MORGAN BALL!

SURE HOPE WE DON'T HAVE
THE WRONG HOUSE!

GO TO HELL!

MORGAN, DON'T RUN.

(dispatcher chattering
on radio)

EDDIE ZANE, F.B.I.

HOW THE HELL
DID THAT FIRE START?

I DON'T KNOW.
WE HEARD SOME SHOTS.

WHO'S IN THERE?

SHARP AND SWANSON.

CHRIST.

HEY!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN
THOSE BARRELS, RIGHT?

ONE WRONG SHOT
AND WE COULD ALL GO.

LOOK, BALL,
YOU HAVE 3 CHOICES:

A: YOU COULD STAY
IN THIS HELLHOLE
AND BURN TO DEATH.

B: YOU CAN COME WITH US
AND TESTIFY
AGAINST JOHN CORTLAND.

A AND B SUCK.

WHAT ABOUT C?

C IS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE.

TAKE IT EASY.

I'M SURE THERE'S A WAY
WE CAN WORK OUT
THIS WHOLE THING.

SEEMS LIKE IT'S PRETTY
WELL WORKED OUT TO ME.

I GOT MONEY.
LOTS OF MONEY.

IF YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE,
I'LL MAKE YOU BOTH RICH.

LOOK, SEE THIS KEY?
IT'S YOURS.

THANK YOU.
I'LL PUT THAT IN EVIDENCE.

LOOK, I CAN'T TESTIFY.

CORTLAND WILL KILL ME.
IT'S A DEATH SENTENCE.

LET'S GO OUTSIDE
AND TALK IT OVER.

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME.

NICE JOB, SHARP.

WHAT'S THAT THEY SAY?
"TEXAS RANGERS
ALWAYS GET THEIR MAN"?

THAT'S THE ROYAL CANADIAN
MOUNTED POLICE.

YOU BOTH HAVE FUNNY HATS
AND FUNNY BOOTS.
WHO CAN TELL YOU APART?

LONG TIME, EDDIE.

MORE THAN 5 YEARS.

MARGARET SWANSON, EDDIE ZANE.

HE'S WITH
THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF IDIOTS.

I'D HAVE BECOME A RANGER
IF THEY SAID MY PARTNER
WOULD LOOK LIKE YOU.

IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN A RANGER,
YOU'D HAVE CAUGHT
THIS BASTARD BY YOURSELF.

THAT'S THE BEAUTIFUL THING
ABOUT WORKING
FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

OTHER PEOPLE DO
YOUR GRUNT WORK FOR YOU.

HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTER DOING?
DOING REAL GOOD.

EXCUSE ME,
I'M BLEEDING HERE.

GET DOWN!

YOU'RE GONNA BE OK.
JUST HANG IN THERE.
E.M.T. IS ON THE WAY.

(dispatcher chattering
on radio)

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.
IT IS SO HOT OUT THERE.

I'M SO HOT,
I THINK I'M SWEATY.

OH, GOD. I NEED
TO GET SOME AIR.

OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS, COME HERE.

WHAT?

JUST COME HERE.

GUYS, COME HERE.
SHH. COME HERE.

I THINK THIS GUY
GOT MUGGED OR SOMETHING.

WHAT?
WHERE?

OOH, SHOULD WE CALL THE COPS?

NO, NO, NO.

I THINK THIS GUY'S
COMING TO HELP HIM.

ONCE AGAIN, PUT IT TOGETHER

FOR THE LOVELY LADIES
OF YOUR TEXAS LONGHORN
CHEER SQUAD.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

I HEARD A SHOT.
I TURNED THE CORNER,
I GOT CLIPPED.

DID YOU GET
A GOOD LOOK AT HIM?

NO.

HELLO.

YOU OK?

I'M FINE.

OH, I--I ORDERED FOR YOU.

GOOD.

MEDIUM RARE, RIGHT?
YEAH.

HOW'S SCHOOL?

AH, YOU KNOW.
THE USUAL.

HOW'S YOUR MOM?

I WOULDN'T REALLY KNOW.

SHE AND KEITH
TOOK UP SCUBA DIVING.

ANYWAY, SHE WAS
CLEANING THE HOUSE

AND SHE WANTED YOU
TO HAVE THESE.

UH, THIS IS
A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE

OF YOU AND YOUR MOM
THERE IN LITTLE BATHING SUITS.

OH, THERE'S THAT DONKEY.

I KEEP LOOKIN' FOR
A PICTURE OF YOU AND ME,

BUT I GUESS I WAS ALWAYS
TAKIN' THE PICTURES.

NO, YOU WERE
JUST NEVER THERE.

OR THAT.

SO, I'M--I'M APPLYING
TO A FEW COLLEGES.

RICE, S.M.U. AND...

SHARP.

YEAH, I'M ON MY WAY.

LOOK, I'VE GOT TO, UM...

GO. I GET IT.

SORRY.

I'M FINE.

LOOKS LIKE
YOU'VE BEEN BUSY.

YES, SIR.

HELL, AIN'T IT?

YES, SIR.

THEY SAID YOU HAD
SOME WITNESSES.

YEAH, THEY CAME
WALTZING IN HERE
ABOUT A HALF HOUR AGO.

SAID THEY SAW
THE WHOLE THING.

ANYBODY ELSE
KNOW ABOUT THIS?

NO.

CAN WE KEEP IT THAT WAY?
I'M TIRED OF BEING SHOT AT.

YOU BET.

WHO ARE YOUR WITNESSES?

CHEERLEADERS.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
WE COULD BE
ON THE NEWS.

I'M NOT TALKING LOCAL.
I'M THINKING MAYBE
KATIE COURIC OR OPRAH.

WE SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE.
I NEED TO GET TO THE LIBRARY.

NOW I'LL NEVER GET
MY PSYCH PAPER DONE.

I'LL JUST KEEP SEEING
HIS HEAD EXPLODE.

EVIE, REMEMBER
WHAT WE SAID, ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT TO BREATHE.
YOU GOT TO BREATHE.

LET AIR IN, AND NOW
LET THAT AIR OUT, OK?

I TOTALLY HAVE
A DOUBLE CHIN.

I DON'T TRUST COPS.

WE SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING
TILL OUR LAWYERS GET HERE.

WE DON'T NEED LAWYERS.
WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

RELAX, EVERYBODY.
LOOK, WE JUST CAME HERE
TO TELL 'EM WHAT WE SAW.

DO WE HAVE TO?

YES.

AS CHEERLEADERS,
WE'RE ROLE MODELS
TO THE COMMUNITY AT LARGE.

IF WE DON'T DO
THE RIGHT THING,
HOW CAN WE EXPECT OTHERS TO?

NOW I'M GONNA THROW UP.

I'M NOT GONNA BE
STAYING HERE
ALL NIGHT LONG.

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE
JUST TELL THESE PEOPLE

THAT WE NEED
TO RESCHEDULE
FOR TOMORROW?

WELL, I CAN'T DO MORNING.
I'M HAVING MY LEGS WAXED.

I HAVE
A BIOCHEM LAB
AT NOON.

WELL, I'M GOOD
BETWEEN 2:30 AND 4:00.

WOULD THAT WORK
FOR EVERYBODY?

DON'T WORK FOR ME.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

ROLAND SHARP, TEXAS RANGER.

OH, MY GOD.
DO YOU KNOW DEREK JETER?

NO, HE MEANS
THE OTHER TEXAS RANGERS.

YOU KNOW,
LIKE THE LONE RANGER.

OH, HE HAD
THAT COOL INDIAN FRIEND.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

TONTO?

HE WAS HOT.

WHY DON'T GUYS
WEAR LOINCLOTHS ANYMORE?

A TEXAS RANGER
WAS SHOT THIS EVENING

IN CONNECTION
TO THE MURDER
YOU WITNESSED.

ANYTHING YOU REMEMBER,
NO MATTER HOW INSIGNIFICANT

MAY BE OF
THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE.

OH, DO YOU WANT A PIECE?

NO, I DO NOT.

WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE GUM?

NO. CHEWING GUM
IS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT FACTOR

IN THE DECLINE
OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.

THE DECLINE OF WHAT?

WHEN PEOPLE CHEW GUM,
NOBODY CAN READ
THEIR EXPRESSIONS.

LIKE WITH BOTOX.

I LIKE AN OLDER MAN
WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS.

ALL RIGHT.

WE SHOULD SO NOT
GET INVOLVED IN THIS.

OH, GOD, HERE SHE GOES AGAIN.

SHE DO THIS A LOT?

WHENEVER SHE GETS NERVOUS.

SHE DROPS, LIKE,
10 POUNDS AROUND FINALS.

CAN ANYBODY DESCRIBE
THE PERPETRATOR?

"PERPETRATOR"?

THE BAD MAN WITH THE GUN.

OH, ACTUALLY,
HE WAS KIND OF CUTE.

HMM. GROSS.
HE WAS A TOTAL SKANK.

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10,
I'D GIVE HIM A 4.

NO, A RUTHLESS KILLER'S
KIND OF SEXY.
I GIVE HIM AN 8.

LET'S TRY TO CONCENTRATE.
HOW TALL WAS HE?

AVERAGE.
LIKE, UM, 5'10".

NO WAY. 6'2" AT LEAST.

I THOUGHT HE WAS
KIND OF SHORT.

WHAT ABOUT HIS HAIR?

DEFINITELY NEEDS
TO RETHINK HIS CUT.

I MEAN THE COLOR
OF HIS HAIR.

IT WAS DARK. DARK.
ALMOST BLACK.

NAH, I THOUGHT
IT WAS BLOND.

WHAT?

THIS IS BAD. THIS IS BAD.
THIS IS BAD.

DID HE HAVE ANY

DISTINCTIVE
FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS?

SIDEBURNS

OH! THERE MIGHT'VE
BEEN A MOUSTACHE.

NO, DEFINITELY NOT.

WAS I THE ONLY ONE
WHO SAW A GOATEE?

MMM-MMM-MMM.
LOOK AT THESE GUYS.

YOU GUYS, WAIT.

Ew.

OH, WAIT.

LOOKS LIKE YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND,
BROOK BURTON.

NO, HE DOESN'T.

MORNING, CAP.

THE DIXIE CHICKS HERE

LOOKED AT 5,759 MUG SHOTS
LAST NIGHT.

WEE. LOOK AT THIS BAD BOY.

MMM. HE IS YUMMY!

HE'S KIND OF A CROSS BETWEEN
THE UNABOMBER
AND MARK WAHLBERG.

I NOW KNOW
THE HOTTIE RATING
OF EVERY EX-CONVICT

IN THE WESTERN UNITED STATES.

BEEN UP ALL NIGHT,
HAVEN'T LEARNED
A GODDAMN THING.

OH, PLEASE TELL ME

THIS SWEET THING
IS OUT ON PAROLE.
LOOK AT HIM. HE'S FINE.

GIRL, GOOD.

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,
I THINK THIS GUY

IS IN MY POLI-SCI CLASS.

THEY ALL SAID
THEY COULD ID THAT FELLER
IF THEY SAW HIM AGAIN.

THAT'S A 2-WAY MIRROR, GIRL.

PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOU.

I KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO THINK.

I FEEL REALLY

OLD.

EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN.

THE, UH, G-GOVERNOR'S
OFFICE JUST CALLED.

GOOD.

THANKS FOR COMING, FELLAS.

I'M GETTIN'
SOME PHONE CALLS
FROM SOME DADDIES

THAT ARE WORRIED
ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTERS.

THEY HAVE GOOD REASON
TO BE CONCERNED, SIR.

IF CORTLAND FINDS OUT
THERE'S ANY WITNESSES,

HE'LL COME AFTER 'EM
SURE AS HELL.

GENTLEMEN, I TOLD THOSE GUYS
WE'D TAKE CARE
OF THEIR DAUGHTERS.

STAY WITH THEM.

YES, SIR.

GOOD LUCK, ROLAND.

*(Country Girl
by DF Dub playing)

* AW YEA, TELL YA A STORY

* BOUT A COUNTRY GIRL

* AW YEA, SHE WAS
A COUNTRY GIRL *

* FROM CLEBURNE TEXAS,
IN A BIG CITY *

* AND SHE LIKED MY NECKLACE

* SO WE STARTED TALKIN'
WHILE WE TOOK A RIDE *

* IN DA BIG PICK-UP TRUCK
AND MY HAT WAS TO DA SIDE *

* SHE WAS
A COUNTRY GIRL *

* FROM THE CLASS OF '96

* A BIG BOOTY
WITH SOME BIG OL' COUNTRY *

IS THE TALLER BLOND...
IS THAT ANNE OR BARB?
I CAN'T REMEMBER THEIR NAMES.

HE-BAT.
"HE" WHAT?

HE-BAT.
IT'S A MNEMONIC DEVICE, SON.

HEATHER, EVIE,
BARBARA, ANNE, TERESA.

HE-BAT.

THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL
A PLAINCLOTHES OPERATION.

TAKE YOUR HAT OFF.
CONCEAL YOUR BADGE.
TRY TO LOOK NORMAL.

YES, SIR. AND IF I MAY, SIR,
I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU

FOR TAKING ME ALONG
ON THIS ONE, SIR.

THAT'S THE 3RD TIME TODAY
YOU'VE THANKED ME,

AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY
AT THIS POINT

I FEEL THE FULL BRUNT
OF YOUR GRATITUDE.

THANK YOU AGAIN, SIR.

GET IN THE DAMN VAN.

YOU, MOVE OVER.

YOU THINK YOU COULD
TURN SOME MUSIC ON
OR SOMETHING?

TURN THE MOTOR OFF.

PROBLEM, SIR?

WE DON'T HAVE
A SECURE CABIN.

THIS VEHICLE WILL NOT MOVE
UNTIL ALL THESE LADIES
BUCKLE UP.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

ONE THING YOU'LL LEARN
ABOUT ME IS I DO NOT KID,

OR JEST, OR JOKE, OR JAPE,

OR QUIP.

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE WAITING
ON YOU, TERESA.

I SAW THAT.

I SAW THAT, TOO.

I SEE EVERYTHING.

MR. CORTLAND, DO YOU EXPECT
ANY FURTHER CHARGES

TO BE FILED AGAINST YOU?

MR. CORTLAND, HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THE VERDICT?

AFTER FAILING
TO PRODUCE
ANY EVIDENCE,

THE GOVERNMENT HAS
DROPPED ALL CHARGES
AGAINST JOHN W. CORTLAND.

NEEDLESS TO SAY,
MY CLIENT IS PLEASED
WITH THIS OUTCOME.

WHAT ABOUT THE MURDER
OF A KEY GOVERNMENT WITNESS
LAST NIGHT?

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US,
MR. CORTLAND IS ANXIOUS

TO GET HOME TO HIS FAMILY.

NO FURTHER COMMENT.

ARE YOU DENYING ANY
PRIOR KNOWLEDGE, MR. CORTLAND?

ZANE.

IT'S ME. I STILL DON'T HAVE
THE MONEY BALL STOLE FROM ME.

AND THE SHOOTER
YOU BROUGHT IN
SHOT A RANGER.

I COVERED FOR HIM.
THE JOB GOT DONE.

EVEN SHOT MYSELF IN THE ARM.
YOU'RE A FREE MAN.

YEAH, WELL, HERE'S THE THING.

YOU LEFT SOME WITNESSES.

HEY, PULL UP OVER HERE.

NOW YOU LISTEN HERE.

YOU BETTER START
CLEANING THIS MESS UP.

ALREADY ON IT.

*(Bad Moon Rising by
Creedence Clearwater Revival
playing)

* I SEE A BAD MOON ARISING

* I SEE TROUBLE ON THE WAY

* DON'T GO AROUND TONIGHT

* WELL, IT'S BOUND
TO TAKE YOUR LIFE *

* THERE'S A BAD MOON
ON THE RISE *

I GOT TO SHOWER.

TRIPLE-LOCK ALL THE DOORS,
PUT MAGNETIC CONTACTS
ON ALL THE WINDOWS.

I ONLY WANT
ONE PORT OF ENTRY.

Y'ALL CAN PUT
YOUR AUDIO AND VISUAL STUFF
UPSTAIRS AND DOWNSTAIRS.

I WANT YOU TO CHECK
ALL THE CRAWL SPACES,

IF THEY GOT ANY,
FOR OUTSIDE ACCESS.

PUT A TAP ON THAT TELEPHONE
AND A WHOLE BUNCH

OF BARQ'S ROOT BEER
IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

WHERE DO YOU WANT
YOUR STUFF AT, SIR?

ON THE COUCH
IN THE FRONT ROOM,
FACING THE DOOR.

YES, SIR.
WHERE DO WE BED DOWN, SIR?

WITH THAT BUNCH
OF SCHOLARS OVER THERE.

HAVE FUN.

LADIES, IF I MIGHT
HAVE Y'ALL ASSEMBLE
IN THE LIVING AREA.

IS MY ROOT BEER
IN THE REFRIGERATOR?

UH, ROOT BEER?
NO. UH, NO, SIR.

THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

ANTONIO? BABY!
WHERE ARE YOU?

IT'S HER BOYFRIEND.

IT'S A VERY
CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP.

WELL, AT LEAST
I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE? NOTHING.

TERESA'S GONNA HAVE
TO GET BACK TO YOU.

YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY
BE TALKING ABOUT MY MOTHER

BECAUSE MY MOTHER
IS ALLERGIC TO DOGS.

FIRST RULE: NO CELL PHONES.

WHAT?

NO PAGERS,
NO PALM PILOTS AND NO E-MAIL.

AND THE TELEPHONE DOWNSTAIRS
MAY BE USED

IN THE EVENT
OF EMERGENCIES ONLY.

GIVE IT UP.

SEND US BACK
TO THE STONE AGE,
WHY DON'T YOU?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT SERIOUS BUSINESS THIS IS.

IN ORDER FOR US
TO DO OUR JOB,

WE'RE GONNA NEED
YOUR COOPERATION

AND THAT MEANS
PAYIN' ATTENTION
TO WHAT I SAY

AND DOIN' WHAT
I ASK YOU TO DO
WHEN I ASK YOU TO DO IT.

FURTHERMORE,
I'D APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU WOULD
COVER YOURSELVES
IN OUR PRESENCE.

I REALIZE
HOW VERY PROUD YOU ARE

OF YOUR TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS,
AND OTHER BODY MODIFICATIONS.

HOWEVER, MY COLLEAGUES AND I
DO NOT NEED TO SEE THESE.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

I HAVE ONE.
ARE YOU ALWAYS
SUCH A DICK?

YES. THERE WILL BE NO GUESTS
IN THE HOUSE EVER.

NOBODY MAY LEAVE THE HOUSE
WITHOUT AN ESCORT.

BUT THIS IS OUR HOUSE.

NO, NO, NO.
WHAT ABOUT CLASSES?

I'M IN AN ADVANCED
PRE-MED PROGRAM.
I HAVE A--

4.0, WE KNOW.

OK, GUYS.
WELL, IF I MISS
MY BIOCHEM CLASS,

I'M GONNA LOSE
MY SCHOLARSHIP.

THERE ARE 5 OF Y'ALL,
THERE'S 3 OF US.

YOU'LL HAVE TO PARE
YOUR SCHEDULES DOWN
TO THE ABSOLUTE ESSENTIALS.

I'M WILLING TO SKIP
ALL MY CLASSES

FOR THE GREATER GOOD
OF THE GROUP.

WORK IT OUT
AMONGST YOURSELVES.

WHAT ABOUT DATES?
BARB'S GOT, LIKE, 2 TONIGHT.

NOT ANYMORE.

HELLO! LOOK, YOU GUYS,
WE'VE GOT A GAME ON SATURDAY.

DON'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT TELLING US
WE'RE NOT GOING.

YOU'RE NOT GOIN'.

DON'T SAY IT.

AS CAPTAIN OF THIS SQUAD,
IT IS MY DUTY TO INFORM YOU

THAT IF YOU WANT
TO STOP US
FROM CHEERLEADING,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO PRY THE POM-POMS
FROM OUR COLD, DEAD HANDS.

I'M ALL CLEAR.

COME ON, NOW, ASST.
CHEERLEADING COACH SHARP,
SHOW ME YOUR SPIRIT.

WHERE'S YOUR HAPPY FACE?

THIS IS MY HAPPY FACE.

WELL, I THINK
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN.

UH-HUH.

NOW THIS CANNOT BE
HOW YOU HELPED FLORIDA STATE

TO THE REGIONAL FINALS.

UH, COACH BEAUREGARD?

OH, PLEASE, BINKY.

OK, BINKY.

I SPECIALIZE IN STRENGTH
AND CONDITIONING

AND I'M GONNA LEAVE
THE GRINNING AND THE SMILING
UP TO YOU.

WELL, OKEY-DOKEY THEN.

ASSIGNMENT ACCEPTED.

TIME-OUT

TEXAS.

*

GUN, GUN, GUN!

A WATER GUN, SIR.

PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.
IT'S JUST A JOKE.

NICE HIT!

CHECK IT OUT.

HOWDY, NEIGHBOR.

UM, I'M JIMMY
FROM NEXT DOOR.

JUST, UH, WANTED
TO COME BY

AND WELCOME YOU
TO THE BUILDING.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU NEED ANY WEED
OR ANYTHING,

JUST COME BANG ON MY DOOR.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD
TO KNOW, JIMMY.

YOU'LL DEFINITELY
BE HEARING FROM US.

COOL.

2200 HOURS.

HE-BAT IS SECURE.

ROGER THAT. WE'LL SEE Y'ALL
IN THE MORNIN'.

*(Blue Eyes Crying
in the Rain
by Willie Nelson playing)

* BLUE EYES CRYING
IN THE RAIN *

* WHEN WE KISSED GOODBYE
AND PARTED *

I DON'T SLEEP.

* I KNEW

ISN'T THAT YOUR PARTNER?

SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE GONE
TO THE HOSPITAL?

NO.

I'M HERE.

RIGHT. BUT SHE'S BEEN SHOT.

THAT'S PART OF THE JOB.

* AND ONLY MEMORIES REMAIN *

YOU EVER KILL ANYONE, SHARP?

COLD BASTARD
PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN CARE.

HER MIDDLE NAME IS ELLEN.

A LOT OF THE FELLAS
WEREN'T HAPPY

WHEN THE RANGERS
STARTED RECRUITING WOMEN

AND I WAS SURE ENOUGH
ONE OF 'EM.

SHE CHANGED MY MIND.

I ALSO HEAR EVERYTHING.

"THE BRIGHTNESS OF HER CHEEK
WOULD SHAME THOSE STARS

"AS DAYLIGHT DOTH A LAMP

"HER EYES IN HEAVEN

"WOULD THROUGH
THE AIRY REGION
STREAM SO BRIGHT

THAT BIRDS WOULD SING
AND THINK IT WERE NOT NIGHT"

SO, YOUR ASSIGNMENT
IS TO WRITE A 5-PAGE PAPER,

DUE A WEEK FROM FRIDAY,

DESCRIBING THE FUNCTION
OF THE RECURRENT IMAGERY

OF LIGHT AGAINST DARKNESS
IN ROMEO AND JULIET.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
HOW DOES IT MEAN IT?

AND IS IT POSSIBLE
THAT THIS PLAY

IS MORE THAN JUST
A TEENAGE ROMANCE
WITH A SAD ENDING?

MISS THOMPSON.

I WANT TO SEE YOU
IN MY OFFICE. NOW.

UH, SHE'D LIKE
TO SEE YOU.

WHAT FOR?

UM, I DON'T KNOW.

MR. SHARP. COME IN.
HAVE A SEAT.

SO, I UNDERSTAND
YOU'RE THE NEW ASSISTANT
CHEERLEADING COACH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

MAY I ASK WHAT YOU
WERE DOING IN MY CLASS?

THAT'S THE WAY
WE DO THINGS
ON OUR SQUAD.

IF SOMEBODY'S IN THE--

LET ME BE BLUNT, MR. SHARP.

BARB'S CHEERLEADING
IS INTERFERING WITH HER WORK.

AND FOR THE RECORD,
YOU SHOULD KNOW

I THINK CHEERLEADING
IS STUPID.

I COULDN'T AGREE
WITH YOU MORE.

SHE DOWNLOADED THIS PAPER
ON PLANT IMAGERY IN MACBETH

OFF THE INTERNET.

I KNOW, BECAUSE I WROTE IT
20 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS
AN UNDERGRADUATE.

HMM.

MUST BE A HELL OF A PAPER.

WELL, YES,
I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

PLAGIARISM IS SIMPLY
NOT ACCEPTABLE.

NOW, I'VE GIVEN BARB AN "F"
ON THAT ASSIGNMENT.

IF SHE WANTS
TO REMAIN ON THE SQUAD,

OR IN THE SCHOOL,
FOR THAT MATTER,

HER NEXT PAPER
ON ROMEO AND JULIET

HAD BETTER BE
WHOLLY ORIGINAL.

I'LL EXPLAIN
YOUR POSITION TO BARB

AND MAKE SURE
SHE UNDERSTANDS IT,
EXPLICITLY.

WELL, GOOD.

FINE.

OK, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

PRESIDENTS DON'T WRITE
THEIR SPEECHES.

WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENT,

YOU CAN BE LENIENT
AS YOU WANT TO
ON PLAGIARISM.

OH, BUT WAIT. I MEAN,
THIS PLAY HAS, LIKE, 5 ACTS.

SHE CAN'T EXPECT ME
TO READ THE WHOLE THING.

IT'S ALL WRITTEN
IN YE OLDE
WEIRD ENGLISH ANYWAY.

HEY, BARB.

OH, HI, SCOOT.

UM, I MEAN, BESIDES,
PEOPLE THINK BEING
A CHEERLEADER

IS THIS NONSTOP PARTY
AND EVERYTHING

BUT, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE SO WRONG.

HEY, BARB.

OH, HI, CHASE.

I MEAN, ASIDE FROM ALL
MY GAMES AND MY PRACTICES,

THEY STILL EXPECT ME
TO MAINTAIN
THIS 2.0 AVERAGE,

AND I CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU NEED TO MANAGE
YOUR TIME BETTER.

TIME
I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME.

HEY, BARB.

OH, HI, TIM.

TOM.

OH, SHOOT!
SORRY. TOM.

I REALLY LIKED HIM, TOO.

YOU GOT SOME ADMIRERS
ON THIS CAMPUS HERE,
DON'T YOU?

DON'T BE JEALOUS.
THEY'RE JUST SILLY BOYS.

WE CAN STOP THIS CHARADE
AND RUN AWAY TOGETHER.

YOU GOT A PAPER TO WRITE.

I KNOW.
BUT IF I WRITE IT MYSELF,

IT'S JUST GONNA BE STUPID.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT
BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TRIED.

CHEATING IS
A HELL OF A LOT WORSE
THAN BEING STUPID.

PLAGIARISM IS
AN ACADEMIC CRIME.

IT IS PUNISHABLE
BY ACADEMIC DEATH.

WHAT DO YOU CARE ANYWAY?

I WANNA SEE YOU STAY ALIVE,
ACADEMICALLY, PHYSICALLY,

AND EVERY OTHER WAY.

YOU LIKE ME, DON'T YOU?

NO.

*

* HEY LADIES

* THROW YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR *

* KEEP THE PARTY PUMPING
LIKE WE JUST DON'T CARE *

* WE'RE GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* I'M GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* HEY LADIES

* THROW YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR *

* KEEP THE PARTY PUMPIN'
LIKE WE JUST DON'T CARE *

* WE'RE GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* I'M GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

GUYS, STAND BY ONE MOMENT.

SERGEANT, YOUR PIZZA'S HERE.

ROGER THAT.

* OH, MY GIRLFRIEND

SET THE PIZZA ON THE PORCH

TAKE 2 STEPS BACK,
AND PLACE YOUR HANDS
BEHIND YOUR HEAD.

* TO THE CLUB VALET PARKING

* HEY LADIES

* THROW YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR *

* KEEP THE PARTY PUMPIN'
LIKE WE JUST DON'T CARE *

* WE'RE GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* I'M GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* HEY LADIES

* THROW YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR *

UH, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, DUDE?

IF THAT PIZZA'S HOT,
THERE WON'T BE ANY PROBLEM.

* I'M GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* STILL FEELING
AND THEY PLAYING MY SONG *

* HIT THE FLOOR
WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S ON *

* DJ TURN IT UP,
I'M ON FIRE *

ALL RIGHT,
WHAT DO I OWE YOU?

UH, $13.75.

* POPPIN' BOTTLES
FOR ALL MY LADIES *

HEY, UH, DO YOU LIVE HERE
WITH ALL THESE GIRLS?

TEMPORARILY.

DUDE, YOU'RE MY NEW HERO.

IMAGINE WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WITHOUT MY PHONE,
I AM NOTHING,
I AM WORTHLESS.

I NEED TO SPEAK
TO MY ANTONIO...

WHAT IS THAT?

THE CARNIVORE.

PEPPERONI, SAUSAGE,
GROUND BEEF, HAM,
AND OLIVE LOAF,

GATHERED TOGETHER
IN ONE SAVORY PIE.

WITH JALAPENOS.

WANT SOME?

YES. NO.

EXTRA-THICK CRUST.

I CAN'T.
I'M ON THE ZONE.

WHAT ZONE?

THE PROPER COMBINATION
OF PROTEIN, FAT,
AND CARBOHYDRATES.

THIS COMBINATION RIGHT HERE
IS PROPER AS HELL.

I'M A TOTAL ATKINS GIRL.

I DO WEIGHT WATCHERS.

YOU'LL PROBABLY BLOW
ALL YOUR DAILY POINTS
WITH JUST ONE BITE.

THIS BABY HAS ONE POINT
AND ONE POINT ONLY,
AND THAT IS TASTING GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU GIRLS
ARE ON A DIET, ANYWAY.

YOU COULDN'T WEIGH
ANY MORE THAN--

DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

NO, THERE ARE SOME THINGS
WE JUST DON'T DISCUSS.

MY DAUGHTER HAS
A VERY HEALTHY APPETITE.

INTERESTING.
YOU NEVER MENTIONED
YOU HAD A DAUGHTER.

WHAT'S HER NAME?
EMMA.

HOW OLD IS SHE?
17.

IS SHE A CHEERLEADER?

I HOPE NOT.

WHAT'S HER FAVORITE BAND?

UH, Y-Y-Y-YOU GOT ME.

HOW ABOUT HER SIGN?
HUH?

IS SHE SEXUALLY ACTIVE?

HELL, NO.

SHE PROBABLY IS.

68% OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS
IN TEXAS HAVE HAD SEX

BY THE TIME THEY'VE REACHED
THE 12TH GRADE.

SLIGHTLY HIGHER THAN
THE NATIONAL AVERAGE.

THANK YOU FOR RUINING MY DAY.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING
ABOUT THIS DAUGHTER
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

SHE MUST BE SUPREMELY
MESSED UP IN THE HEAD

FROM LIVING
IN A HOUSE WITH YOU.

SHE LIVES WITH HER MOTHER.

WHY DID YOUR MARRIAGE
FALL APART?

THAT IS ONE OF MANY THINGS
THAT YOU AND I
WILL NEVER DISCUSS.

YOU SEE,
YOU CLEARLY DON'T KNOW
HOW TO SPEAK TO WOMEN.

I KNOW HOW TO SPEAK TO WOMEN.

I CLEARLY CHOOSE NOT TO.

WE NEED TO ESTABLISH
THIS BATHROOM
AT THE END OF THE HALL

IS A 100% MASCULINE BATHROOM.

AND FROM THIS MOMENT ON,
IT IS OFF-LIMITS

TO YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR
FOOLISH UNDERGARMENTS.

YOU WANT AN EGG

DOES THAT MEAN NO YOLKS?

NO YOLKS.
NO, THANKS.

WANT SOME KAMUT FLAKES?

WHAT?

ANCIENT GRAIN.
TASTES GREAT WITH SOYMILK.

SOYMILK.

*

WHO ATE ALL MY KAMUT FLAKES?

NOT ME.

WHAT AM I,
THE ORGANIZATION
TO END WORLD HUNGER?

THIS IS MY CEREAL.

WHY DO YOU GIRLS
FIND IT NECESSARY

TO LISTEN
TO THIS CONSTANT CRAP?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU DON'T LIKE
VAGINA MUSIC?

DO YOU HAVE TO USE THAT WORD
BEFORE I'VE HAD
MY COFFEE AND SOYMILK?

VAGINA. VAGINA. VAGINA.

WHOSE?

WHAT DID I TELL Y'ALL
ABOUT WEARING CLOTHES?

JOG BRAS ARE CLOTHES.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

THAT IS IT.

JUST SIGN RIGHT THERE.

AWFUL BIG UNIT
FOR A HOUSE THIS SIZE.

I GET HOT.

I HEAR YOU.

ALL RIGHT.
YOU WIN, OK?

WE ALL AGREE
TO PUT ON MORE CLOTHES.

NOW, CAN YOU PLEASE
TURN THE TEMPERATURE UP?

THAT'S A VERY MATURE DECISION
AND I'M VERY PROUD
OF YOU GIRLS.

BUT I THINK WE SHOULD COME
TO A COMMON UNDERSTANDING

THE MEANING, THE DEFINITION
OF THE WORD "MORE."

WE THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

BARB!

ALL RIGHTY.

THIS IS COURTNEY RYAN,
MY PERSONAL HERO.

AND LIKE COURTNEY,
WE FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD
NOT BE PENALIZED

FOR JUST MAXIMIZING
OUR ASSETS.

HOWEVER, WE'VE ALL AGREED
TO COVER UP

THESE AREAS HERE

AND THIS AREA RIGHT HERE.

GOOD.

BUT WHAT ABOUT
THESE OTHER
PROBLEM AREAS?

HERE

HERE

AND HERE.

YOU'RE KILLING ME.

COME HERE.

ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL CAVE
ON THE FIRST 2.

BUT WE ABSOLUTELY
MUST MAINTAIN
NAVEL VISIBILITY.

WE WANT TO BE REALISTIC,
NOT AMISH.

ONE INCH ON EITHER SIDE.

3.

2.
DONE.

THESE GIRLS ARE
A DIFFERENT KETTLE OF WORMS.

UH, SOMETHIN' JUST CAME UP.
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.

I NEED TO SPEAK
TO YOUR WITNESSES.

EDDIE, HOW'S THE ARM?

LET'S NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

WELL, THERE ARE
NO WITNESSES.

EVEN IF THERE WAS,
I COULDN'T LET YOU
TALK TO THEM. YOU KNOW THAT.

COME ON, CAPTAIN,
WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM HERE.

I THINK I CAN HELP.

AT LEAST LET ME
TALK TO SHARP.

THAT WAS HIM
ON THE PHONE, RIGHT?

SHARP'S IN
THE FIELD RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT.

YOUR RANGER SCREWED UP
MY WHOLE CASE.

HE BLEW UP THAT LAB
AND ALL THE EVIDENCE IN IT.

BALL IS DEAD
AND I GOT SHOT IN THE ARM,
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

NOW, I NEED TO SPEAK
TO THOSE WITNESSES.

SO I'M ASKING YOU AGAIN.
WHERE ARE THEY?

YOU KNOW, THIS "ONE RIOT,
ONE RANGER" SHIT WON'T FLY

WHEN I SLAP A SUBPOENA
ON YOUR DESK.

MY DESK'S ALREADY A MESS.

HELL, ONE MORE PIECE OF PAPER
WON'T MAKE ME NO NEVER MIND.

CIRCLE THE WAGONS
IF YOU WANT.

THIS IS A FEDERAL CASE.

*(Walkie Talkie Man
by Steriogram playing
on stereo)

* WELL, YOU'RE WALKIN'
AND A TALKIN'
AND A MOVIN' AND A GROOVIN' *

* AND A HIPPIN' AND A HOPPIN'
AND A PICKIN' AND A BOPPIN' *

* THOSE BODS ARE BEING BAD
YOU BETTER TAKE A STAND *

* YOU GONNA WAKE UP
THAT THING IN YOUR HAND *

YOU LEARN QUICK.

5 YEARS OF COLLEGE.

$13.75, RIGHT?

HERE'S $14.
KEEP THE CHANGE.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

SHARP.

HOW'S MY FAVORITE
PEP

WHAT?

I SAID, HOW'S MY FAVORITE
PEP

NOT REAL PEPPY.

WOULD SOMEBODY
TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN?

HANG ON, CAP.

IS THERE ANY MORE PIZZA LEFT?

* AND A FREAKIN AND A YELLIN

* AND A BOSSIN' AND A SPEAKIN'
AND A LOOKIN' AND A POINTIN' *

SOMEBODY, PLEASE
TURN THAT MUSIC OFF!

THROW THIS AWAY.

* MY BRIGHT PINK
FLUORO JACKET *

I CANNOT HEAR MYSELF

THINK.

HEY!

OK, AS WE INVOLUNTARILY
ENTER INTO THIS ENFORCED
PERIOD OF SILENCE,

CAN I ASK
IF THERE'S ANY MEDICATION
YOU FORGOT TO TAKE

OR SOME I MIGHT RECOMMEND
YOU SHOULD TRY?

YES. LIKE TAKE

A CHILL PILL.

I ONLY NEED ONE WITNESS.

GET OUT.

WHAT'S UP, CAP?

IT'S A SUBPOENA
FROM YOUR BUDDY ZANE.
THE FEDS WANT OUR WITNESSES.

WE'RE NOW OFFICIALLY
IN CONTEMPT.

DON'T WORRY IT.
IF CORTLAND
DON'T SEND SOMEBODY

TO KILL THEM PRETTY SOON,
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

AND ONE OTHER THING.
I GOT THIS INVOICE HERE
FOR AN AIR CONDITIONER.

$7,572.44.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ME?

I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK
TO YOU ON THAT ONE.

WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOIN'?

OH, TO THE CACTUS CAFE.
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL'S PLAYING.

TOO MANY PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
NOBODY GOES OUT AFTER DARK.

WE'RE YOUNG, WE'RE STRONG,
AND WE'RE TIRED
OF BEING COOPED UP.

LOOK, I HAVEN'T HAD PHONE SEX
WITH MY BOYFRIEND
IN ALMOST A WEEK.

I HAVE OATS TO PLOW.

YOU GOT OATS TO SOW,
AND IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

LIKE HELL IT'S NOT.
WHAT'S TO STOP ME

FROM WALKING OUT THAT DOOR?
HUH

PLEASE, I EAT MEN LIKE THAT
FOR BREAKFAST.

AND WHAT, YOU?
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU
TRY IT, MR. RANGER-MAN.

COME ON.

ANYBODY ELSE WANNA GO SEE
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL?

YOU THINK HE NEEDS BACKUP?

NO.

I THINK HE CAN HANDLE IT.

LET ME GUESS, CLAY.

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR JIMMY.

TOTALLY.
DUDE, ARE YOU LIKE A PSYCHIC
OR SOME KIND OF SHIT?

SOME KIND OF SHIT.

DUDE, THE THING IS

JIMMY MOVED.

OH, WHERE TO?

TRAVIS COUNTY JAILHOUSE.

THAT AIN'T GOOD.

OK, A HAIRDO THIS PHENOMENAL
ONLY HAPPENS, LIKE,
TWICE A YEAR.

PLEASE.
IT REALLY NEEDS
TO BE SHARED WITH THE WORLD.

WHAT IF WE HAVE TO
GO TO THE BATHROOM?

GO AHEAD.

YOU'RE EVIL,
YOU KNOW THAT?

FACE IT, GIRL.
YOU'RE WITH ME TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW,
WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.

WE JUST WENT
INTO THE BATHROOM
AND SAW A GUY DIE.

WE COULD'VE
KEPT OUR MOUTH SHUT,
BUT WE DIDN'T.

AND NOW I FEEL LIKE
WE'RE GETTING PUNISHED FOR IT.

SORRY, BUT YOU'RE
NOT BEING PUNISHED.

THEN LET US OUT OF HERE.

EVEN PRISONERS ON DEATH ROW
GET A LITTLE YARD TIME.

HOW ABOUT THE MALL?

SHOPPING WITH Y'ALL?
I DON'T THINK SO.

WHAT

NOT IN THE MOOD.

AS CAPTAIN
OF THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD,

I DEMAND THAT YOU
TAKE US SOMEPLACE

WHERE YOU CAN PROTECT US
AND WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN.

MMM-HMM.

*(Dancing Queen
by ABBA playing)

* YOU CAN DANCE

* YOU CAN JIVE

* HAVING THE TIME
OF YOUR LIFE *

* OOH, SEE THAT GIRL

* WATCH THAT SCENE

* DIG IN THE DANCING QUEEN *

LOOK WHO'S SKATING!

WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA!

LAST TIME I WAS HERE,
IT WAS EMMA'S 6TH BIRTHDAY.

SHE LOVED THIS PLACE.

YOU DON'T SPEAK
TO HER MUCH, DO YOU?

I DON'T THINK EMMA
WANTS TO TALK TO ME.

EVERY GIRL WANTS TO
TALK TO HER DAD.

SHE MAY ACT
LIKE SHE DOESN'T,
BUT SHE DOES.

EVERYTHING I SAY
AROUND HER IS WRONG.

I'VE BEEN WRONG
SINCE SHE TURNED
11 YEARS OLD.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE
JUST NOT ASKING HER
THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.

FIRST OF ALL,
NEVER ASK,
"SO HOW'S SCHOOL?"

NOPE. DUMB QUESTION.
IT'S TOO EASY.
OUR BRAINS JUST SHUT OFF.

AND DON'T BECOME
HER BEST FRIEND.

WE HAVE ENOUGH FRIENDS,
THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WISH
YOU COULD SAY TO HER?

THAT I WISH I COULD
SEE HER MORE,

AND I'M SORRY
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
BETWEEN HER MOTHER AND ME,

AND IT WASN'T HER FAULT,
AND--AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

IF MY DADDY TOLD ME
THEM THINGS,

I'D BE
THE HAPPIEST GIRL
ALIVE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN MY DAD
SINCE HE LEFT ME
9 YEARS AGO.

I'M SORRY
THAT HAPPENED
TO YOU.

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER
AND YOU LOVE HER.

YOU SHOULD TELL HER.

YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TAKE HER SKATING AGAIN,
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE GETTING
PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, I AM GETTING
THE HANG OF IT.

ALL RIGHT,
WE'RE GOING TO
LET YOU GO.

SHOW US YOUR FUNKY GROOVE.
COME ON, BOY!

ALL RIGHT! YES, SIR!

OH, ARE YOU OK?

THAT WAS BAD.

MORNING, EMMA.

MR. ZANE?

LOOK AT YOU,
YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP.

YEAH. WOW,
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

SURE HAS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

ACTUALLY, I'M LOOKING
FOR YOUR FATHER.
IT'S A PROFESSIONAL MATTER.

YOU GOT ANY IDEA
WHERE I MIGHT FIND HIM?

NO. HE DOESN'T REALLY
TELL ME ANYTHING.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR ARM?

OH, IT'S JUST
ONE OF THE HAZARDS
OF THE JOB.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN
TO HAVE A NUMBER
ON HIM, WOULD YOU?

IS HE IN TROUBLE?

OH, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S JUST THAT
I'M WORKING ON A CASE

AND, UH, I NEED HIS HELP.

OK, WELL, I MEAN,
IF I NEED TO GET
AHOLD OF HIM,

I USUALLY JUST CALL DISPATCH
AND THEY PATCH ME THROUGH
ON A RESTRICTED LINE.

I'LL GIVE THAT
A TRY THEN.

OK.

GOOD TO
SEE YOU AGAIN.
BYE.

SHARP, LOOKIE HERE.

REMEMBER THAT JOHN DOE
THEY PULLED OUT
OF A REST STOP LAST WEEK?

RIFLE FROM HIS TRUNK
MATCHES THE BULLET
THEY DUG OUT OF SWANSON.

IS THIS THE FELLA Y'ALL SEE
SHOOT MORGAN BALL?

NO. THE GUY WHO SHOT BALL
SEEMED A LOT NICER.

UH-HUH,
AND A LOT LESS DEAD.

IT WAS LIKE BALL
KNEW HIM OR SOMETHING.

KNEW HIM?

YEAH. NOW, IF YOU'RE THROUGH
PLAYING DETECTIVE,

CAN YOU GET US HOME
SO WE CAN GET SOME REST?

NOPE.

PLEASE? COME ON.

LOAD UP!
COME ON.

* LOVE IS

* WALKIN' TOGETHER

* LOVE IS

* TALKIN' TOGETHER

* MAKES YOU WANNA MOAN
COME ON *

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
OOOH, OH *

OH, YEAH, YEAH,
I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THAT. THAT'S WHERE
WE'RE GONNA KILL 'EM.
OH, WE'RE GONNA KILL 'EM.

REMIND ME
TO TAKE A COLLECTION
RIGHT AFTER THAT.

THAT'S GONNA BE A GOOD TIME
TO GET THE MONEY, YOU KNOW.

WELL, IF IT AIN'T
MARTIN LUTHER VANDROSS.

UH, WHY DON'T Y'ALL
TAKE A BREAK.

EVERYBODY GO AHEAD,
REAL, REAL QUICK.
COME ON.

THIS MAN'S PROBABLY GOT
A LOT OF SINS
HE NEEDS TO CONFESS.

PROBABLY MAY HAVE TO
EXORCISE HIM.

Y'ALL GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS,
NOW. GO ON.

CAN'T YOU SEE
I'M DOING
THE LORD'S BUSINESS?

DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

OOH, OOH, WOW.
I MEAN, THAT IS--
THAT IS...

HMM, HE GOT ROUGHED UP.
THAT IS PRETTY BAD
RIGHT THERE.

UH, IS HE DEAD?
HE WAY DEAD.

UH, YEAH, I MEAN,
LOOKS LIKE A GUY
THAT WAS IN THE CAN WITH ME.

UH, THINK HIS NAME'S
JACK CARTER.

HE WORK FOR CORTLAND?

OH, NO. NO, NO.
HE WAS MORE
OF A FREELANCE ARTIST

IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING--SAYING.

LOOKS LIKE CORTLAND HIRED
A 2ND SHOOTER.

PULL UP JACK CARTER,
SEE WHAT WE GOT ON HIM.

SO, YOU GIRLS ARE
CHEERLEADERS, HUH?

YEAH.

Y'ALL RECOGNIZE ME?
IT'S ME, PERCY.

YEAH. PERCY "PIROUETTE"

STEVENS.

CLASS OF '89.
I WAS BAD. I WAS A BAD MAN.

Y'ALL THINK THAT'S FUNNY?
I'M GOOD. OK.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

YOU JUST...
YOU WAIT ONE SECOND.

OOH, WOW!

UH, "UNGAWA,
TEXAS GOT THE POWER

I SAID, YES"

YEAH, UH,
THAT WAS REAL FRESH,
BOBBY BROWN.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

NOW, I MAY HAVE
MISSED THE '90S

DUE TO A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT,

BUT BACK IN MY DAY,
WE BROUGHT IT.

OH, YEAH.
I'M TALKING REAL OLD SCHOOL.

NOT LIKE THAT LITTLE
TIRED CRAP YOU TROT OUT TO.

UH, A-G-G-I-E.

WHAT'S THAT SPELL?

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

LADIES.

ALL SET?

YOU BET.

"MORE POWER, MORE POWER
MORE POWER TO THE HOUR

MORE BOUNCE, MORE BOUNCE
MORE BOUNCE TO THE OUNCE"

BORING.

HMM. "HOT,
NOW SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT"

UH, OH.

*(Gonna Make You Sweat
by C & C Music Factory
playing)

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* GIVE ME THE MUSIC

* GIVE ME THE MUSIC

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* YEAH

* YEAH

* YEAH

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* YEAH

* YEAH

* YEAH *

NOW THAT'S OLD SCHOOL.

HELLO?

HI, EMMA, IT'S--
PSYCH!

YOU GOT MY MACHINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

HEY, EMMA, IT'S YOUR FATHER.

DAD.

HUH.

I WAS JUST CALLIN' TO CHECK
AND SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING.

IT'S KINDA HARD
TO REACH ME RIGHT NOW.

I'M WORKIN' ON A CASE. UH...

YEAH, YOU KNOW,
LIKE I'M ALWAYS DOIN'.

JUST WORKIN' ON A CASE.

ANYWAY,
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.

SO CALL ME.
YOU KNOW HOW TO REACH ME.
UH...

IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

THERE'S NO PRESSURE
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
YOU KNOW. IT'S, UH...

YOU KNOW.

SO I GUESS THAT'S IT.

TELL HER YOU MISS HER.

EXCEPT, I MISS YOU, BABY.

CAN I HELP YOU?

TERESA HAD A VISIT
FROM HER LITTLE FRIEND.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU PEOPLE
ABOUT VISITORS?

NOT THAT KIND OF VISITOR.
HER MENSES.

THE CURSE OF EVE.
THE CRIMSON TIDE.

I GET IT.

SO, SOMEONE
HAS TO GO SHOPPING.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GO?

HOLT, GET OVER HERE.

I'M GOING OUT FOR SOME AIR.

ATTENTION.

PRICE CHECK
ON REGISTER 3, PLEASE.

REGISTER 3, PLEASE.

CAN'T MAKE UP YOUR MIND?

DO I NEED THE SLIM FIT,
THE REGULAR PROTECTION
OR THE ONE WITH WINGS?

THE ONES WITH THE WINGS.
DEFINITELY.

CUCUMBER-MELON
BODY SPRAY.

VANILLA-SMOOTHIE
BIKINI CREAM.

SOUNDS LIKE A BUSY
AND PAINFUL NIGHT
FOR YOUR WIFE.

I'M DIVORCED.
THESE THINGS
ARE FOR THE GIRLS.

THE CHEERLEADERS?

YOU DO THEIR SHOPPING
FOR THEM?

YOU ARE A CURIOUS FELLA,
MR. SHARP. YOU GAY?

NO. GIRLS ARE ALL TIED UP,
STUDYIN'.

AND I VOLUNTEERED TO HELP OUT
AND PICK UP A FEW THINGS.

ARE YOU SLEEPING
WITH ANY OR POSSIBLY ALL
OF THESE GIRLS?

NO.

WANNA HAVE DINNER WITH ME
TOMORROW NIGHT?

NEGATIVE.

NEGATIVE?

IT'S NOT REALLY POSSIBLE,
WHAT WITH WORK AND ALL.

WELL, OK,

THAT PLANE JUST FLEW
INTO THE SIDE
OF THE MOUNTAIN.

CALL OFF THE SEARCH,
NO SURVIVORS.

HAVE A PLEASANT EVENING.

THESE YOURS?

YES.

YOU LEFT THEM
ON THE COUNTER.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I THINK I MADE A MISTAKE
BACK THERE.

DIDN'T WANT
THE WINGS AFTER ALL?

NO. IN REGARD TO DINNER.

IT'S NOT THAT
I DON'T WANT TO.

IT'S JUST THAT IT'S HARD
FOR ME TO GET AWAY
WITH MY BUSY SCHEDULE

AS AN ASSISTANT
CHEERLEADING COACH.

YEAH, WELL, THIS WHOLE
CHEERLEADING THING MUST BE
A REALLY TOUGH RACKET.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

ANYWAY, I WAS THINKIN',

IF YOU'RE NOT OPPOSED TO IT,
MAYBE YOU COULD COME OVER

TO THE HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT
AND I'LL FIX DINNER.

OK.

8:00?

YEAH, GOOD.

OK.

BY THE WAY, I'M MOLLY.

I'M ROLAND.

ROLAND. OK, ROLAND.

YOU'RE NOT
ON THE ZONE
OR COUNTING POINTS

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
ARE YOU?

NO.

IS THAT THE NORTH STAR?

NO. I THINK
THAT'S AN AIRPLANE.

YOU SEE-- YOU SEE
THE WAY IT'S MOVING?

THAT'S THE NORTH STAR.

SO THAT'S WHERE
THEY'VE BEEN KEEPING IT.

SOMEDAY I WANT TO DO MORE
THAN LOOK AT THE STARS.

I'M FIXING
TO SOAR WITH THEM.

WHAT, YOU MEAN,
LIKE AN ASTRONAUT
OR SOMETHING?

NO, NOT EXACTLY.
NOT A LIVING ONE,
AT LEAST.

YOU SEE, THEY GOT
THIS COMPANY
OUT OF BEAUMONT

ALL RIGHT.

AND THEY WILL
LAUNCH YOUR REMAINS
RIGHT OUT INTO OUTER SPACE.

REALLY?
I LOVE SHIT LIKE THAT.
YEAH.

BUT HOW?

THEY--THEY--
WHAT THEY DO IS
THEY PARK YOU--

HOLT, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOIN'?

CONTEMPLATING THE VASTNESS
OF THE UNIVERSE, SIR.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RED.

DOES THIS LOOK
LIKE RED TO YOU?

JUST SHOOT HER, SHARP.
YOU'D BE DOIN' HER A FAVOR.

WHERE ARE TERESA AND ANNE?

I--I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE LYING.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

YOU BROKE EYE CONTACT.

IT'S A SIGN OF STRESS
AND POSSIBLE DECEPTION.

SO, BY THE WAY,
IS PICKIN' AT YOUR CLOTHES.
STOP PICKING AT YOUR CLOTHES.

LOOK ME IN THE EYE
AND TELL ME WHERE THEY'RE AT.

TERESA AND ANTONIO
HAD A REALLY BIG FIGHT.

SHE HAD TO
BLOW OFF SOME STEAM,

SO THEY WENT
TO THE BUFFALO BILLIARDS.

YOU STAY HERE.

DON'T BE
CONTEMPLATING THE UNIVERSE
WITH ANYBODY.

*(Who Invited You
by The Donnas playing)

* I'M BUSY TALKING
TO THIS GUY *

* WHEN I SEE OUTTA THE CORNER
OF MY EYE *

* WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME
WHO LET YOU IN *

LOOK, A NATIVE APPROACHES.
AVOID EYE CONTACT.

* 'CAUSE WE DO
AND WE DON'T CARE *

* IF YOU HAD MORE FUN
IN SUNDAY SCHOOL *

YOU GUYS
ARE THE CHEERLEADERS,
RIGHT?

THE ONES WITH THE CALENDAR?

NOPE.

COULD HAVE SWORN
YOU WERE JUNE.

JUNE KICKS ASS.

HMM, SORRY, WRONG GIRL.

WELL, ME AND MY BUDDIES
OVER THERE, WE GO TO,
LIKE, EVERY GAME.

HAVE YOU SEEN US?

YEAH. YEAH.

I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED
YOU GUYS.

YOU GUYS WERE THE ONES
GETTING REALLY DRUNK

GOING, "WOO, WOO,
WOO, WOO," RIGHT?

YOU SAW US.

NO.

YOUR SCHOOL SPIRIT SUCKS.

I'M CAPTAIN
OF THE CHEER SQUAD.
OUR SCHOOL SPIRIT KICKS ASS.

YEAH, AND IT'S GETTING HIT ON
BY IDIOTS LIKE YOU
THAT REALLY SUCKS.

YOU'RE A SASSY BITCH.
I LIKE THAT.

GET YOUR HANDS--

HANG ON NOW.

EVERYBODY COOL OFF.
WE'VE HAD ENOUGH FUN TONIGHT.

NOW I'VE HAD ENOUGH FUN.

WAS THAT COMPLETELY NECESSARY?

YOU COULD SERIOUSLY INJURE
A YOUNG MAN BY DOING THAT.

I SHOULD WARN YOU.

I KNOW KARATE.

YOU BETTER KNOW SOMETHIN'.

ANY OF THE REST OF YOU BOYS
HERE IN THIS POOL HALL
WANNA PLAY THE WINNER?

WE HAD THE SITUATION
UNDER CONTROL.

YEAH. WE WERE
ABOUT TO GO ALL BUFFY
ON THEIR GRINGO ASSES.

I BROUGHT YOU A PILLOW.

IT'S BETTER THAN THE ONES
YOU'VE BEEN USING.

BUCKWHEAT HULLS.
IT'S GOOD FOR NECK SUPPORT.

THANK YOU.

THAT WAS COOL WHAT YOU DID
FOR THE GIRLS.

IT WAS COOL.

THAT'S ONE BIG
HONKING BULLET.

YOU FIXIN' TO SEND
A MONKEY UP IN THAT THING?

THAT THING IS
A PERSONNEL
SUPPRESSOR DELUXE.

PERSONNEL SUPPRESSOR?
YOU MEAN KILLING?

WELL, CAN'T YOU JUST
WOUND THEM OR SOMETHING?

SHOOT THE GUN
OUT OF THEIR HAND?

NO, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY
THE CHEERLEADING TYPE,
ARE YOU?

FOR ME, IT'S MORE PENANCE
THAN A PASSION.

RELIGIOUS ASCETICS
WEAR A HAIR SHIRT,
I CARRY THE POM-POMS.

HMM.

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS
IT'S THE DUALITY OF MAN,
YOU KNOW?

"THAT JUNGIAN THING, SIR."

MATTHEW MODINE,
FULL METAL JACKET.

PEACE SIGN
ON ONE SIDE OF HIS HELMET,
"BORN TO KILL" ON THE OTHER.

IT'S MY FAVORITE MOVIE.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE
IS THE SOUND OF MUSIC.

"WHAT'S IN A NAME?

"THAT WHICH WE CALL A ROSE
BY ANY OTHER NAME
WOULD SMELL AS SWEET"

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
ANY OF THIS.

PRETTY SIMPLE, REALLY.

SHE'S A CAPULET,
HE'S A MONTAGUE.

THE 2 FAMILIES HAVE ALWAYS
HATED EACH OTHER

AND THEY ALWAYS
WILL HATE EACH OTHER.

WELL,
WHY COULDN'T SHAKESPEARE
JUST SAY IT LIKE THAT?

HE COULD HAVE.

BUT NOBODY WOULD
BE TALKIN' ABOUT IT
410 YEARS LATER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT ROMEO AND JULIET?

I READ THE PLAY.

WHY WOULD YOU
READ THE PLAY?

MOLLY'S COMIN' OVER
FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

WHO'S MOLLY?

PROFESSOR McCARTHY.

YOU CALL HER MOLLY?

UH, THIS WHOLE HOUSE
TOTALLY REEKS.
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

5 ALARM CHILI.
IT'S MY SPECIALTY.

UH, YOU'RE PUTTING MEAT
INTO MY LENTIL POT?

HE'S MAKING DINNER
FOR MOLLY.

WHO'S MOLLY?

UH, PROFESSOR McCARTHY,
INTRO TO ENGLISH LIT.

OH, I HAD HER
LAST QUARTER.
SHE'S A BABE.

AND THIS IS WHAT
YOU'RE SERVING HER?

IT'S HIS SPECIALTY.

MY WIFE LOVED MY CHILI.

YOUR WIFE
LEFT YOUR GASSY OLD ASS.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

SHARP'S GOT A DATE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR?

CLOTHES.
PANTS, SPORT COAT.

OH, NOT THAT
BUTT-UGLY THING.

I LIKE THAT SPORT COAT.

OK, I GRABBED
EVERYTHING I COULD FIND.

WHAT COMES FIRST,
ASTRINGENT OR
EXFOLIATING LOTION?

I DON'T USE THAT STUFF.

YOU ARE. YOU'VE GOT PORES
THE SIZE OF MANHOLE COVERS.

AND THE EARS, THE NOSE.
WE BETTER DO SOMETHING
ABOUT ALL THIS HAIR.

YEAH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU CAN USE SOME BRONZER.
YOU NEED SOME COLOR.

I DON'T BRONZE.

OH, YOU'LL BRONZE,
WHITE BOY.

I HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFULLY
GROOMING MYSELF

FOR A LOT LONGER
THAN ANY OF Y'ALL
HAVE BEEN ALIVE.

YEAH, WELL,
SOME THINGS HAVE CHANGED
SINCE YOU WERE YOUNG.

WE'VE DISCOVERED FIRE
AND THE WHEEL.

SHE'S RIGHT.
AND IF YOU WANNA GET OVER,
YOU BETTER LISTEN TO US.

I'M NOT GETTIN' OVER.
I'M HAVIN' DINNER.

NOT LOOKING LIKE THAT
YOU WON'T.

BARB, CAN YOU DO ANYTHING
WITH THE HAIR?

SHAVE IT ALL OFF.

GO TALK TO HER.
GIVE ME THAT.

BARB.

COME ON. I MEAN,
IT'S NEVER GONNA WORK OUT
BETWEEN YOU AND SHARP.

HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR

GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT
GRANDFATHER.

AND YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY
TO HELP HIM.

YOU WENT TO BEAUTY SCHOOL.

I FLUNKED OUT.

I KNOW.

BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT.

*(I'm Too Sexy
by Right Said Fred playing)

* I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT
TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT *

* SO SEXY IT HURTS

"NATURAL-LOOKING
DRAMATIC HIGHLIGHTS

"THAT ENHANCE AND BRIGHTEN
YOUR NATURAL HAIR COLOR."

YES.
NO.

* NEW YORK AND JAPAN

* I'M TOO SEXY *

OK, LET'S FOCUS
ON THE CONVERSATION.

HOW ARE YOU
GONNA GET THINGS ROLLING?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
SINCE I WENT OUT ON A DATE.

THAT'S OK. UM,
LOOK, JUST GIVE US
A LITTLE PREVIEW.

I'M HER.

I COME IN.

GO.

WELL, I'LL START OUT
BY SAYIN' "HELLO."

NO, I'LL SAY "HI."

NO, "HELLO" IS BETTER.
I THINK.

I'LL WAIT AND SEE
HOW I FEEL AT THE TIME.

THEN I'LL PROBABLY
START OUT SAYIN'--

ASKIN' HER IF SHE EVER...

OH.

WE'LL START TALKIN'
ABOUT, UH...

I'M IN DEEP SHIT, AIN'T I?

WHO KNEW YOU WERE SUCH A BABE?

YEAH. EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T
LET US FROST YOUR TIPS.

YOU CLEAN UP
PRETTY NICE, SERGEANT.

YOU'RE ALL THAT
AND THEN SOME.

THANK YOU.

REMEMBER,
A WOMAN IS LIKE A HORSE.

SHE LIKES TO KNOW
THAT THE GUY ON THE SADDLE
HAS A TIGHT GRIP ON THE REINS.

EXCUSE ME,
A WOMAN IS NOT A HORSE.

JUST BE YOURSELF.

I'M NOT SO SURE
BEING HIMSELF IS GOING
IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

OK. JUST BE YOURSELF,
BUT NOT THE YOU
WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

BE THE YOU WHO YOU WOULD BE
IF YOU WERE SOMEBODY ELSE.

SOMEBODY BETTER.

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
SOMEBODY BETTER.

MAYBE WE OUGHT TO
CALL THIS OFF.

OK.

NO!

IT'S TOO LATE.
OK, NOW, JUST DON'T BE
THE SCHIZOID SHARP.

BE THE SHARP
WHO EMBRACES LIFE.

NOW, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL BE WITH YOU
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

SGT. HOLT PROVIDED US
WITH A SPARE SET
OF EYES AND EARS.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

GIT OUTTA HERE!

SORRY.

JUST TAKE THESE.

GET!

HELLO.

COME IN.

SHH.

TELL HER
SHE LOOKS NICE.

YOU LOOK NICE.

THANK YOU. SO DO YOU.

NIFTY JACKET.

GIVE HER THE FLOWERS.

THE GIRLS THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT LIKE THOSE.

NO, THEY WERE
YOUR IDEA.

THEY'RE MY IDEA,
BUT THE GIRLS THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT LIKE THOSE.

WELL, THEY WERE RIGHT.

THEY'RE NOT HERE,
ARE THEY?

NO.

GOOD. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A LITTLE AWKWARD.

YES. REAL AWKWARD.

TAKE THE WINE.

TAKE IT.

I-I'LL JUST GO OPEN THIS.

WHERE DO YOU KEEP
THE CORKSCREW?

LEFT OF THE SINK, TOP DRAWER.

LOOK.

BASE TO RANGER ONE,
WE'VE GOT A MAKEUP CHECK
IN THE DINING ROOM.

I REPEAT, MAKEUP CHECK
IN THE DINING ROOM.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS SHE DIGS YOU, MAN.
NOW, LOOSEN THE HELL UP.

THANK YOU.

ROOT BEER.

I GAVE UP ALCOHOL
ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO.

DIDN'T LIKE YOURSELF
WHEN YOU WERE DRINKIN', HUH?

HELL, I LOVED MYSELF
WHEN I DRANK.

IT WAS OTHER PEOPLE
THAT HAD THE PROBLEM.

HE'S A DORK.

WELL, WHY DON'T I, UH,
PUT THESE IN SOME WATER.

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
YOU GOT A LAUGH.

NOW GO TO THE TABLE
AND LIGHT THE CANDLES.

NO, THAT'S
SUCH A LAME MOVE.

CANDLES ARE
A TOTAL CLICHE.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT CLICHES?

YOU'VE GOT A WATERBED.

I SAY, LIGHT THE CANDLE.
IT'S SEXY.

HE MIGHT AS WELL PULL OUT
THE BEARSKIN RUG

AND THE DISCO BALL,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.

I NEED CONFIRMATION.

IS LIGHTING THE CANDLE
A COOL MOVE
OR NOT A COOL MOVE?

FINE.

ALL IN FAVOR
OF CANDLES?

ME.

OPPOSED?

MISSION CONTROL TO SHARP.

LIGHT THOSE CANDLES.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SO MANY OF MY COLLEAGUES
JUST STICK IT OUT

FOR THE PAYCHECK
AND THE BENEFITS.

OR, IN MY EX-HUSBAND'S CASE

FOR THE ENDLESS SUPPLY
OF FRESH, YOUNG COEDS.

BUT WHY WOULD A MAN
WANT TO BE WITH A GIRL
WHEN HE CAN BE WITH A WOMAN?

OR IN YOUR CASE,
WITH 5 GIRLS.

WHAT IS YOUR STORY?

MY WORK BECAME MY MISTRESS.

BEFORE I KNEW IT,
THAT WAS ALL I HAD.

*(Funny How Time Slips Away
by Willie Nelson playing)

* WELL, HELLO THERE

WILLIE NELSON.

* MY, IT'S BEEN
A LONG, LONG TIME *

MAN AFTER MY OWN HEART.

YOU WANT TO DANCE?

* HOW AM I DOING?

* OH, I GUESS
THAT I'M DOING FINE *

SO, WHAT'S REALLY
GOING ON HERE?

* IT'S BEEN SO LONG NOW

* BUT IT SEEMS NOW

DANCING.

* THAT IT WAS ONLY YESTERDAY

NO, I MEAN HERE.

WHAT IS A MAN LIKE YOU
DOING IN THIS HOUSE?

WELL, IT'S, UH,

A TEMPORARY ASSIGNMENT.

AND I VENTURE TO GUESS
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH CHEERLEADING, DOES IT?

NOT MUCH, NO.

IT'S KINDA COMPLICATED.

* I HOPE THAT
HE'S DOIN' FINE *

YOU WANT TO GO
IN THE LIVING ROOM?

YEAH.

* THAT YOU'D LOVE HIM
TILL THE END OF TIME *

OH, GROSS.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
BAG HER ON THE COUCH?

* NOW, THAT'S THE SAME THING

* THAT YOU TOLD ME

* SEEMS LIKE
JUST THE OTHER DAY *

GOOD NIGHT, BARB.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

I CAN STILL SEE YOU.

* HOW TIME SLIPS AWAY *

YOU'RE KILLING ME.

HELLO?

HI, UM, I'M RETURNING A CALL
FROM SOMEBODY NAMED EVIE.

THAT'S ME. IS THIS EMMA?

Y-Y-YEAH. I-I'M SORRY,
DO I KNOW YOU?

NO, NO. BUT I KNOW YOUR DAD.

I GOT YOUR NUMBER
FROM HIS CELL PHONE.

UM, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,
BUT I'M DOING THIS PSYCH PAPER

AND I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD ASK YOU
SOME QUESTIONS.

YEAH, OK.

GREAT.

OH, I HAVE THIS HEX RALLY
TOMORROW NIGHT,

BUT I WAS WONDERING
IF WE CAN GET STARTED TONIGHT.

5, 6, 7, 8.

*

OOH, AH. OOH, AH.

BARB.

THIS IS--

UH, TERRIBLE,
I KNOW.

I WAS GONNA SAY GOOD.

I'M PROUD OF YOU. IT'S GOOD.

WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOIN'?

GETTING PUMPED
FOR HEX RALLY.

WE'LL HAVE TO
NIX THE HEX RALLY.
WHAT?

OH, NO, NO, NO.
THERE'S NO NIXING
THE HEX.

IT MUST GO ON.

YOU CAN'T STOP THE HEX,
MR. RANGER-MAN.
YEAH.

IT'S BIGGER
THAN ALL OF US.

IS THAT RIGHT?

IF WE WERE DOCTORS,
WE'D CURE CANCER.

I-I-IF WE WERE NURSES,
WE'D GIVE PEOPLE SHOTS.

IF WE WERE ASTRONAUTS,
WE WOULD DO OTHER THINGS.

BUT WE'RE NOT.
WE'RE CHEERLEADERS.

AND WE'RE GOIN'
TO THE HEX RALLY,
YOU KNOW.

YOU DON'T RESPECT
CHEERLEADING, DO YOU?

NO.

THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU STILL DON'T GET IT.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON,
SANDRA BULLOCK,
CAMERON DIAZ,

CALISTA FLOCKHART,
MADONNA AND HALLE BERRY.

NOT TO MENTION FRANKLIN D.
ROOSEVELT, RONALD REAGAN,
GEORGE W. BUSH

AND THE GOVERNOR
OF OUR FAIR STATE,
RICK PERRY.

ALL CHEERLEADERS.
YEAH.

SEE, YOU'RE
A NEGATIVE PERSON,
SHARP.

CHEERLEADING IS ALL
ABOUT THE POSITIVE.

OUR JOB IS TO INSPIRE,
SUPPORT AND ELECTRIFY.

ANY FOOL CAN FEEL GOOD
WHEN YOU'RE WINNING.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE DOWN
27 POINTS
IN THE 4TH QUARTER

THAT'S WHEN YOU
GOTTA ASK YOURSELF,
"WHO YOU GONNA CALL?"

I MIGHT CALL HALLE BERRY.

YEAH.

HEY, LONGHORNS.

ARE WE READY
TO TAKE A&M TO THE MAT?

I DON'T THINK THESE GUYS
CAN HEAR YOU.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, NOW THAT
WE'VE PUT THE HEX
ON THOSE AGGIES,

I WANT Y'ALL TO RAISE
YOUR FLAMES UP HIGH

FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS
A THING OR 2 ABOUT SPIRIT.

I AM TALKING ABOUT
ASSISTANT CHEER COACH
ROLAND SHARP.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
WITH THIS?

INSPIRE AND ELECTRIFY. GO!

ALL RIGHT.

BRING IT.

UH,

THIS TORCH RIGHT HERE
REPRESENTS

THE SPIRIT BURNIN'
DEEP WITHIN THE HEART

OF EACH AND EVERY LONGHORN
THAT NEVER CAN BE
EXTINGUISHED.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE

YOU WANT TO SEE
YOUR LONGHORNS
EMERGE VICTORIOUS.

YEAH.

YOU WANT TO SEE THEM
DOMINATE THE FOOTBALL FIELD

AND WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME.

WELL, THEN IT'S UP TO
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US
TO HELP 'EM.

WE GOT TO RAISE 'EM UP.

WE GOT TO HOIST THEM HIGH

TO PUT THEM ON A PLATFORM
OF POSITIVITY.

ANY FOOL CAN FEEL GOOD
WHEN YOU'RE WINNING.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE DOWN
27 POINTS IN THE 4TH QUARTER,

YOU GOT TO ASK YOURSELF,
"WHO YOU GONNA CALL?"

I TELL YOU
WHO I'M GOING TO CALL,

AND THAT'S THESE LADIES
RIGHT HERE.

THEY'RE THE MOST
SPIRITED GROUP OF YOUNG LADIES
I'VE EVER SEEN

OR HAD A CHANCE
TO GET TO KNOW
AND HAD THE PRIVILEGE

OF COMING IN CONTACT WITH.

PRAISE THE LORD
AND PASS THE AMMUNITION!

OK, NOW CAN I GET A WITNESS?
THIS MAN HAS GOT THE SPIRIT.

SWEAR TO GOD, I THOUGHT
HE WAS GONNA START SPEAKING
IN TONGUES.

NO, WAIT, WAIT. WHAT ABOUT
"PLATFORM OF POSITIVITY"?

I WAS GONNA DO A CARTWHEEL,
BUT DIDN'T WANT TO
STEAL THE LIMELIGHT.

I THINK SHARP
JUST MADE A JOKE.

IT'S MORE OF A JAPE OR A JEST,
BUT STILL, IT'S PROGRESS.

CAN WE GO TO THE PARTY?

NEGATIVO, BABY.

HEY, PLEASE. WHEN ARE YOU GUYS
GONNA GET OVER YOURSELVES?

NOBODY, I REPEAT,
NOBODY IS TRYING TO KILL US.

GET OUT OF THIS VAN,
RIGHT NOW! LET'S GO!

COME ON.

THIS THING IS NOT WORKING.
IT'S NOT WORKING! I'M STUCK.

LET'S GO!

I'M STUCK!
I CAN'T GET OUT!
I'M STUCK!

GET DOWN!

OK, MAYBE SOMEBODY
IS TRYING TO KILL US.

HOW DID THEY, LIKE, FIND US?

THEY LOOKED FOR US.

WHAT ABOUT EMMA?

SHE DOESN'T KNOW
WHERE I AM.

YES, SIR, SHE DOES.

SHE CALLED LAST NIGHT
ON THE HOUSE PHONE.

OOPS.

SHE WAS RETURNING MY CALL.

WAS THAT A MISTAKE?

GET THEM UPSTAIRS.

COME ON, LET'S GO, NOW.
COME ON.

COME ON, MOVE.

HELLO?

WHERE YOU AT?

I'M AT HOME.

WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?

DAD, I TOLD YOU.
SHE AND KEITH WENT TO CANCUN
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
CHECK UP ON ME.

YOUR FRIEND
FROM THE F.B.I. IS HERE.
HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING.

LET ME TALK TO HIM.

HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

HEY, SHARP.
HOW ARE YOUR WITNESSES DOIN'?

EVERYONE SAFE?

YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.

GOOD, GOOD. YEAH,
I WAS JUST TELLING EMMA HERE

THAT A PRETTY DESPERATE GUY
OUT THERE IS TRYING
TO COVER A CRIME

AND IF HE COULDN'T GET TO YOU,
HE MIGHT COME LOOKING FOR HER.

DON'T WORRY.

I'M HERE NOW,
AND EVERYTHING'S COOL.

EMMA DOLL,
IS THERE ANY MORE COFFEE?

YES, SURE, MR. ZANE.

THANK YOU.

I'M A DEAD MAN, SHARP.

I DON'T CARE
ABOUT YOUR WITNESSES ANYMORE.

ALL I WANT IS THE MONEY
BALL STOLE FROM CORTLAND.

ALL RIGHT,
THE NIGHT YOU ARRESTED BALL,
YOU TOOK A KEY FROM HIM.

YEAH.

GOOD.
HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU GO TO THE BANK,
TAKE THE MONEY OUT
OF THE SAFE DEPOSIT BOX,

PUT THE MONEY
IN A DUFFLE BAG,

GET IN YOUR TRUCK

AND MEET ME IN EAGLE PASS
NEAR THE BORDER AT 2:00 P.M.

ONLY YOU, SHARP. NO ONE ELSE.

(man chattering in Spanish
over P.A. system)

PUT YOUR KEYS IN THE BAG

AND GET OUT OF THE TRUCK
WITH THE MONEY.

BAG ON THE GROUND.

PUT YOUR WEAPON IN THE BAG.

PUT YOUR CELL PHONE
IN THE BAG,

GET BACK IN THE TRUCK,

AND HANDCUFF YOURSELF
TO THE STEERING WHEEL.

DON'T TRY ANY TRICKS, SHARP.
I WILL SHOOT HER
RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

(man chattering
over P.A. system)

THANKS, ROLAND.
YOU'RE A GOOD PARENT.

PLEASE BOARD IMMEDIATELY.

THIS IS THE LAST ANNOUNCEMENT

FOR THE BUS LEAVING
FOR LAREDO, NUEVO LAREDO...

WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT ARE Y'ALL
DOING HERE?

BARB'S GOT A PLAN.

BARB HAS A PLAN?

YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

I SPENT A YEAR
IN JUVENILE DETENTION
FOR STEALING CARS.

IT WAS
AN EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE.

HOW'D Y'ALL GET HERE?

BRAND-NEW CAR.

(mimicking
woman in labor)

I THINK I'M HAVING
THE BABY.

I CAN'T.

EVIE, GET IT TOGETHER.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.
JUST BREATHE.

COME ON. BREATHE.
READY?

DRIVER, STOP THE BUS!

MY FRIEND'S HAVING A BABY!

I DID IT!

I HAVE TO GET OFF
EL AUTOBUS!

I HAVE TO HAVE
MY BABY IN AMERICA!

I'VE GOT THE BAGS.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
THAT'S MY BAG.

UH, NO, NO,
IT'S MINE.

IT'S MY BAG.

HI, EMMA.
WE'RE FRIENDS OF YOUR DAD'S,
SO JUST FOLLOW ME, OK?

LOOK, IT'S MY BAG, OK?

DROP THE BAG.

IT'S MY BAG!

DROP THE BAG.

YOU OK?
YEAH.

IT'S JUST LIKE DISMOUNTING
A STRETCH PYRAMID.

OFF THE BUS! OFF THE BUS!

YOU READY?

1, 2.

MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

COME ON, EMMA.

ARE YOU GUYS SERIOUS?
I'M A MATH MAJOR.

MOVE IT!

YOU, TOO! OFF THE BUS, NOW!

COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT!

JUMP!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE.

HALT, SENOR.

(man chattering
over radio)

COME ON, EDDIE,

THERE'S DOCTORS,
AIR CONDITIONIN',

AND 3 MEALS A DAY
BACK IN TOWN.

AND I NEED YOU TO TESTIFY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
KILL ME, SHARP.

GOD!

DAMN.

LOOKIN' SHARP, SHARP.

I--I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE WE SHOULD DO
ANOTHER MASK.

OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY.
I ALMOST FORGOT.

OH, CUTE.

OH, MY GOD! I'M SO SORRY.
DAMN IT.

THE LANGUAGE!
HELLO, WE'RE IN A CHURCH.

LOOK AT YOU.

HEY, YOU GUYS. UH,

COULD YOU EXCUSE US
FOR A SECOND?

SURE.

YEAH, OK.
DON'T BE NERVOUS.

OH, YEAH, AND SHARP, REMEMBER,
INSPIRE AND ELECTRIFY, OK?

SEE YOU. GREAT.

I--I FEEL LIKE A FREAK SHOW
IN THIS DRESS.

PRETTIEST FREAK SHOW
I EVER SAW.

WAIT TILL THEY SEE YOU
AT VASSAR.

ACTUALLY, UM,

I WAS THINKING
OF TURNING VASSAR DOWN

AND ACTUALLY
JUST BECOMING
A CHEERLEADER.

DAD, THAT WAS A JOKE.

OH, A JOKE. THAT'S--THAT'S WHY
I'M LAUGHING SO HARD.

I LOVE YOU, DADDY.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

DEARLY BELOVED,

WE ARE GATHERED HERE
FOR THIS MOST

SPLENDIFEROUS
AND LOQUACIOUS OCCASION

TO JOIN THIS COUPLE
IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

NOW, ROLAND,

DO YOU PROMISE
TO LOVE THIS WOMAN,
AND-D-D-D-D

BEFORE YOU ANSWER,
REMEMBER THAT, UH...

* LOVE IS

* WALKIN' TOGETHER

* WHY

* LOVE IS

* TALKIN' TOGETHER

* WHY

* LOVE IS

* SINGIN' TOGETHER, OOH *

PERCY!

YEAH, UH, UM...

GET ON WITH IT.

SURE, BUT OF COURSE.

WELL, DO YOU?

I DO.

AND, MOLLY,

RADIANT, BEAUTIFUL MOLLY.

MOLLY, MOLLY, MOLLY.
GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY.

WAP-BABALOO-BAM-BA-
WAP-BAM-BOOM.

DO YOU PROMISE TO LOVE ROLAND

WHEN HE IS ODIFEROUS,

INDIFFERENT, BELLIGERENT?

I DO.

YOU DO?

I DO.

GOOD, WELL.

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME
IN THE STATE OF TEXAS,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS YOUR BRIDE.

COME ON, Y'ALL,
LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

* HEY, HO

* YEAH, TALKING ABOUT LOVE

*

WHOO.

WHO PUT THIS TABLE HERE?