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I wish you could all
be inside my head.

The conversation is sparkling.

Fine, I'll tell you.

A lichen is an organism made
up of two separate species,

fungi and algae.

If you could merge
with another species,

what species would
you pick and why?

Hint: There is a right answer.

None of you will get it.

Okay, I'd pick swan because, uh,
the resulting hybrid

would have the advanced
industrial civilization

of a human and
the long graceful neck

I've always dreamed of having.

Wrong. Leonard?

Horse, but mostly just
for the height.

A little bit for
the genital girth.

Wrong, and let's
keep it clean, shall we?

Kangaroo, uh,

I'd be Kanga-Jew.

The first of my people
to dunk a basketball.

Also instead of just living
in your mother's house,

you could actually
live inside her body.

Clever, but also wrong.

No, the best organism for human
beings to merge with

is the lichen itself.

That way, you'd be human,
fungus, and algae.

Triple threat.

Like three-bean salad.

Give me one circumstance in
which that would be useful.

All right, picture this:

a beautiful outdoor concert.

Now, as a human,
I appreciate Beethoven.

As a fungus,
I have a terrific view,

growing out of a
towering maple tree.

And no thank you,
expensive concessions.

Because as an algae, I'll just
snack on this sunlight.

- He got us again.
- No, he didn't.

Anyway, if it's
okay with you,

we should talk about
Howard's bachelor party.

Oh, oh.

Seems like a bit
of a letdown

I've been doing
some research on strippers.

One agency I spoke to, said I
could get us a great price

if we're flexible on
age range and number of limbs.

Sounds like loads of fun,

but I promised Bernadette
no strippers.

You don't want strippers?
You're the king of strippers.

The one club in North Hollywood
named a pole after you.

What can I tell ya-- I'm not
into that stuff anymore.

Good for you, Howard.
I'm proud of you.

And still, you're the first one
of use to get married.

We have to do something special.

You know Germans have an
interesting pre-wedding custom--

Well, it's probably not for me.

Maybe we can go up to
Napa Valley.

They've got that wine train.

Boo, wine!

But yay, trains. I'm in.

Anyway, it's a beautiful
time of year.

Uh, you travel through
the vineyards.

There's a tasting on board.

And all the wildflowers
are in bloom.

Magic.

Look at that, in 30 seconds,

we went from
hiring women to being them.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x22
The Stag Convergence
Original Air Date on April 26, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

So, I hear you and
the lost boys are having

a bachelor party tonight.

Yeah, just going to a
restaurant, get some steaks,

and scotch. Nothing to worry about.
Why should I worry?

Well, I don't know.
It's a bachelor party.

There could be strippers.

Wouldn't that make you
a little jealous?

Oh, come on Leonard, it's you.
What's going to happen?

I mean, even if
there was a stripper,

all you'd do is avoid
eye-contact

and maybe offer to help
her kid with his homework.

Hey, I am a young man
in his sexual prime.

Under the right conditions,
I-I-I am capable of just,

really crazy stuff.

Really? What is
the craziest thing

you've ever done with a woman?

And the time you and I had sex
in the ocean does not count.

Oh, come on.
That's got to count.

There was a really strong
undertow, we could have died.

Well, have fun tonight.

Oh, I will.

There is no telling
what might happen.

Yeah, there is.

You know, there's
nothing wrong helping

some woman's kid
get through their S.A.T.'s.

Hey, I got to hand it to Raj,

He found a really nice spot
to have a bachelor party.

It's not bad.

Unless you compare it to
a train; then it stinks.

Are you drinking whiskey?

Indeed.

If I'm to participate
in the social convention

that is the stag night, then I
must embrace all its components:

including tobacco,
swear words, and yes, alcohol.

Jeepers! That's yucky.

Whoa, it's a little
early to start

dropping J-bombs,
don't you think?

Hey, you guys.

Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to
make it out tonight for Howard.

Well, it was either
this or another

hot tub party at
George Takei's house.

I'm confused.

I thought since our
reconciliation,

I was your friend
in this group.

Oh, I'm friends
with Howard too.

Oh!

I guess you're just
friends with anybody.

Aah!

Hey, uh, Leonard...

things are a little tight
at the comic book store.

I might need some help covering
my share of the check.

Oh, yeah, no worries.

And maybe a few bucks
for the valet.

Oh, all right.

And gas money to get home.

Yeah, sure.
Great.

You know what? This is
my grandfather's watch.

Oh.

18-carat gold, got it
in Europe during the war.

Wow, that's very nice.
Mm-hmm.

100 bucks and it's yours.

Hey, everybody!

The bachelor boy has arrived!

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Yes, yes, yes.
He's a jolly good fellow.

What time do
the strippers arrive?

Actually, Barry, we're not going
to have strippers tonight.

Ah, then what the frig did I get
200 dollars in singles out for?

You want to buy a watch?

This is Maid of Honor
Amy Farrah Fowler,

bringing you the
wedding activities

just weeks out from
the big day.

Let's check in with a beautiful,
radiant young woman,

and her friend who's
about to get married.

Ladies, can you tell us
what you're doing?

Um, these are gift bags

we're going to put in the hotel
rooms of our out-of-town guests.

This is a map of Pasadena.

This is a list of
local restaurants.

And then, for
Howie's relatives,

we have antihistamines,
antacids,

and medicine for diarrhea
and constipation.

Yeah, we labeled them
"stop and go."

All right, pivoting
to the big question:

Bernadette,
on your wedding night

you'll be consummating
your marriage.

What do you think your first
sexual position will be

as husband and wife?

Amy, please.

Keeping in mind that
whoever's on top

may set the tone
for the marriage.

Okay, show's over.

Hey, they may conceive a child
on their wedding night.

Don't you think
the kid might get a kick

out of knowing
how it happened?

I don't care.

Ask her things like "Are you
going to take Howard's name?"

Not "Who's going
to sit on who."

I've actually been thinking
I'm going to hyphenate:

Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.

Nice.

You know, you should totally get

Bernadette Maryann
Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.com

before someone snaps it up.

Howard already
took care of it.

Plus, he set up our
beautiful wedding Web site

with cute little facts
about our family histories.

Do you know,
for a while in Poland,

my family and his family
were neighbors.

Oh, that's cool.

No, it's not.
I'll explain it to you later.

May I have
your attention, please?

We are hear tonight to celebrate
the upcoming nuptials

of my best friend
Howard Wolowitz.

Hear! Hear!

And, apparently,
Wil Wheaton's best friend.

Sheldon...

Talk to the hand.

Does anyone
have any words

they'd like to say about
our man of the evening?

I do.

As is the tradition,

I have prepared a series of
disrespectful jokes

which generate humor
at Howard's expense.

Prepare to have your ribs
tickled...

Howard... I always thought
you'd be the last one of us

to ever get married, because you
are so short and unappealing.

Am I right?

Let's see here.

Oh, seriously though, Howard,

you're actually one of the most
intelligent people I know.

And that's a zinger,
because you're not.

I've always thought
that you'd make

someone a fine husband someday.

Assuming you'd be able
to get the parts,

and develop the
engineering skills

to assemble them,
which I don't see as likely.

Hacha!

Okay... Let me see here.

Okay, kidding aside--

Howard, you are a good friend.

And I wish you nothing
but happiness.

Bazinga, I don't!

Sheldon...
Doubleazinga! I do!

Good luck
following that.

So, Howard Wolowitz
tying the knot.

Leaving his crazy
bachelor days behind.

He was a wild one.

Well, I guess
we all kind of were.

I remember this one time,

I was with this girl
at the beach.

We were in the ocean and
we started making out.

I know, it was crazy.

I wasn't even wearing
my Aquasocks.

Then...

Nobody cares, Hofstadter.

Wrap it up.

Right.

To Howard.

To Howard.

I totally had sex
in the ocean.

Okay, I'll go.

Howard, when I think about you
and Bernadette

starting this wonderful life
together,

I can't help but
get a little choked up.

I mean...

look at you.

You have everything.

Look at me.

I'm 37.

I sleep in the back of
a comic book store,

and I have the bone density
of an 80-year-old man.

To Howard.

Yeah, to Howard.
Yes...

- Um, uh, who's next?
- I'll go.

Howard, I'm gonna say something
to you that everybody's thinking

but no one has the courage
to say out loud.

When you invite a man
to a bachelor party,

the implication is,
there will be strippers.

Maybe not completely nude,

but at least pasties
and G-strings.

That's not unreasonable.

- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.

Okay, uh, anybody else?

Huh? No?

Okay, it all comes down
to me, the best man.

Ooh! This grasshopper is
kicking my ass-hopper.

Okay, okay, when I first
came to this country,

I-I didn't know how to
behave or how to dress,

or what was cool...
I was pretty lonely.

But then I met Howard, and
suddenly, my life changed,

because we could
be lonely together.

This man became
my whole world.

Yeah, nice speech, Francine.

I'm not done,
but thank you.

I think back....

...to all the good times
we had, like, uh,

when we went camping
and spent that night

telling each other
all our secrets.

I told him I'm addicted
to pedicures

and he told me he lost his
virginity to his cousin.

She was my second cousin.

And the first woman you ever
disappointed sexually.

Ba-da-bazinga!

Oh... oh, yeah, and then
there was the time

when Leonard and I took
Howard to Las Vegas

and paid a hooker to
pretend she was Jewish

and that she wanted
his little kosher pickle.

Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,

that one's my favorite!

Okay, buddy, that's it.
Sit down.

Oh, oh, what about
that tubby girl

in the Sailor Moon
costume at Comic-con?

Don't remember.
Please sit down.

The only threesome
I've ever had in my life,

and I'm proud to say it was
with this man right here.

Oh, please shut up.

Oh, oh, don't get me wrong,

nothing happened with
me and Howard.

There was about 200 pounds
of Sailor Moon between us.

Oh, Internet, this is
so going all over you.

Jeepers, I'm drunk.

Thank you for picking us up.

There's a warning, right there,
on the scotch bottle.

You cannot be
operatin' heavy machinery

after you had a snootful
of this, laddie!

Funny.

You boys have a nice time?

Yeah, it was great.

Low-key, like I promised.

No hanky-panky, no strippers.

Just the guys telling jokes.

That's nice.

How about you?
Did you have a fun night?

Yeah, we, uh, made
gift bags, had wine,

and then went online
and saw this.

Of all the "Howard
humping hookers" stories,

that one's my favorite.

You know, we're not that far
from my apartment.

If you stop the car,
I can walk from here.

You ain't goin'
anywhere, Threeway.

Bernadette, listen...
You lied to me.

You said you told me about all
the girls you've been with,

but you never mentioned your
cousin, the prostitute or Raj!

Seriously, you don't even have
to stop the car.

Anything under ten miles an hour

and I can combat-roll
into the street.

Okay, just to set
the record straight,

I didn't hire the prostitute,
she was a gift from him.

Shame on you, Raj.

That is not how we treat
women in this country.

Don't you try and
blame this on him.

- Thank you, Bernadette.
- Zip it, pervert!

I don't know what
I'm going to do.

I'm supposed to marry Howard
in a couple weeks

and I'm not sure I even know
who the man is anymore.

I'm curious
what's bothering you most:

the borderline incest,
the prostitute or group sex

with the girl dressed as
the children's cartoon?

Amy, remember when
we went over things

that would be helpful
and things that wouldn't?

Right.

- And that was...
- Not.

When I first met Howard,
he seemed so innocent to me,

just a sweet little guy who
lives with his mother.

Well, if that's what
you like, I'll take you

to the comic book store--
the place is full of 'em.

Wait a minute.

You set me up with Howard.

Did you know about

all the creepy stuff
he was into?

Well, a little.
You hear stuff...

Why didn't you tell me

Well, I was gonna,
but I didn't think

it would go past
the first date.

Then, when it did,
I thought for sure

it wouldn't go past
you meeting his mother.

Definitely not past the
two of you sleeping together.

I mean, the warning signs were
there-- this is really on you.

God!

I thought you were
my friend.

I don't think
that was helpful.

Hi, Bernie, it's me again.

Please call me back.

Dude, I am so sorry.

It's not your fault,
it's mine.

I did all that stuff,
not you.

Actually, you did do
one of them together.

Here.

What is this?

You're upset.

The convention is to

bring an upset person
a hot beverage.

No, but what is it?

Chicken broth.

It seemed culturally
appropriate.

Also, there was a single cube
of chicken bouillon

in the cupboard when I moved in

and it's been bothering me
for the last eight years...

So, as they say, two birds.

I don't know what
my next move is.

Well, Howard, I don't know
much about women...

- Yeah?
- No, uh, that, that's it.

I don't know much about women.

Raj, you got anything?

I've got the phone number of
the tubby girl from Comic-Con.

I'm not calling the
girl from Comic-con.

All right.

More Sailor Moon for me.

I just threw up
the bachelor party.

Please come out, Bernadette.

Let's talk through this.

No, leave me alone.

Perhaps you should give him
a taste of his own medicine.

Do you have a cousin
who you find attractive?

Amy.

Hey, you introduced him
to the sleazebag.

I'm just trying to
clean up your mess.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

I need to talk to Bernadette.

Well, I don't think she wants
to talk to anyone right now.

All right, well, could you
at least give her a message?

Yeah, sure, I guess.

Tell her I'm really sorry.

And if she doesn't want
to marry me, I get it.

But what I really
want her to know

is the guy that
she's disgusted by,

is the guy that
I'm disgusted by, too.

But that guy doesn't
exist anymore; he's gone.

And the reason is
because of her.

So, if this
relationship is over,

let her know that
she made me a better man,

and tell her thank you.

Oh, my God, Howard.

That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.

And it came out of you.

Howie?

Penny has a message for you.

I heard.

Your voice, not unlike your
mother's, travels through walls.

Do you want me to go?

No.

Come here.

I'm still really
mad at you.

I get that.

Is there anything else about
your past I should know?

Couple things, but, you know,
most of them happened overseas.

I'll tell you later.

Okay.

So, is the wedding still on?

Yeah, the wedding's still on.

Oh, thank God.

I'm still a maid of honor!

Oh, what the hell.

This is kind of hot.

Hello.

What's with the robe?

I'm gonna have sex with you
right here,

right now, on that
washing machine.

No, you're not.

Come on, please.

If you want to do something,

you can help me
fold this sheet.

Folding a sheet in my underwear,
still pretty crazy.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==