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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:20,734 --> 00:00:23,502 -- Captions by vitac -- www.Vitac.Com 2 00:00:23,602 --> 00:00:26,600 Captions paid for by tribeca entertainment, llc 3 00:00:48,002 --> 00:00:50,668 [ arshad shouting in arabic ] 4 00:00:57,469 --> 00:00:59,468 Reporter: Voices were raised in protest today 5 00:00:59,569 --> 00:01:00,801 At the home office decision 6 00:01:00,903 --> 00:01:04,236 To allow militant egyptian cleric arshad al-masri 7 00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:06,702 Into the u.K. For a lecture tour. 8 00:01:06,804 --> 00:01:09,369 Al-masri, seen here preaching in pakistan, 9 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,402 Is a controversial figure both at home and abroad 10 00:01:12,502 --> 00:01:15,803 And has been linked to extremist islamic groups. 11 00:01:15,903 --> 00:01:17,701 The reaction of the british muslim community 12 00:01:17,804 --> 00:01:20,036 Has been mixed, with some saying -- oh, fuck off. 13 00:01:20,136 --> 00:01:22,669 [ electronic pop music plays ] 14 00:01:22,770 --> 00:01:26,803 � never say what you can he a � 15 00:01:30,004 --> 00:01:31,837 � when voices whisper in your ea r � 16 00:01:31,937 --> 00:01:34,269 Mommy, mommy, mommy. 17 00:01:34,369 --> 00:01:37,036 One, two, three. Move your arms. 18 00:01:37,137 --> 00:01:38,468 Move your arms. Come on. 19 00:01:38,703 --> 00:01:39,636 [ speaking indistinctly ] 20 00:01:39,804 --> 00:01:41,170 [ doorbell rings ] 21 00:01:41,304 --> 00:01:45,837 � cold comfort bound in the night's warm air � 22 00:01:45,938 --> 00:01:47,603 That's it. Come on. 23 00:01:47,704 --> 00:01:49,470 [ doorbell rings ] 24 00:01:49,571 --> 00:01:52,103 � there's someone else in h ere � 25 00:01:52,205 --> 00:01:56,504 Come on, darling. � see it in myself � 26 00:01:58,938 --> 00:02:03,837 � why don't you close your eyes at midnight? � 27 00:02:05,372 --> 00:02:07,437 Darling, he's here. 28 00:02:07,539 --> 00:02:11,004 Delivery man's here. � why can't you close your eyes for me? � 29 00:02:16,507 --> 00:02:18,405 Is it all there? 30 00:02:18,507 --> 00:02:21,370 Yeah. Tell akhmed thank you. 31 00:02:21,473 --> 00:02:23,438 [ sighs ] 32 00:02:23,538 --> 00:02:25,337 Whoa! What do you want? What do you want? 33 00:02:25,439 --> 00:02:27,872 A jihad on the great satan. 34 00:02:27,907 --> 00:02:30,671 Well, we, the imperialist empire -- 35 00:02:30,773 --> 00:02:32,872 We surrender to your holy power. 36 00:02:32,972 --> 00:02:35,038 Saamiya: I wish you wouldn't teach her those words. 37 00:02:35,139 --> 00:02:36,171 I'm not being funny, 38 00:02:36,272 --> 00:02:38,839 But does lady gaga look like an ostrich or what? 39 00:02:38,940 --> 00:02:40,738 It'll be absolutely brilliant. 40 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:41,904 You've got nothing to worry about. 41 00:02:42,005 --> 00:02:43,173 I'm sure the weather will hold out. 42 00:02:43,239 --> 00:02:44,338 I've already called time on my son. 43 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,439 Oh, yeah, I promised dad 44 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,004 I'd help him sort out grandma's house. 45 00:02:47,073 --> 00:02:48,406 Ah, right, right, right. 46 00:02:48,474 --> 00:02:50,039 No, no, I was on my way out anyway. 47 00:02:50,139 --> 00:02:52,039 Make sure you carry all the boxes, okay? 48 00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:53,273 Ta, mahmud. 49 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,005 Hey, ladies. 50 00:02:55,107 --> 00:02:57,605 [ music continues ] 51 00:03:06,873 --> 00:03:08,773 � why don't you close your eyes at midnight? � what about now? 52 00:03:08,874 --> 00:03:10,107 Okay, mum. 53 00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:18,808 � why can't you close your eyes for me? � 54 00:03:22,008 --> 00:03:27,307 � why don't you close your eyes at midnight? � 55 00:03:29,875 --> 00:03:35,307 � you'd see the other side of me � 56 00:03:35,408 --> 00:03:38,106 � other side of me � 57 00:03:38,209 --> 00:03:39,841 Whoa! 58 00:03:39,942 --> 00:03:43,574 Weirdo! Aah! Weirdo! Aah! 59 00:03:51,177 --> 00:03:53,174 [ wind whistling ] 60 00:04:15,976 --> 00:04:17,242 I wanted to speak to you about something. 61 00:04:17,343 --> 00:04:19,442 What? Is it the -- is it the new imam? 62 00:04:19,544 --> 00:04:22,243 Look, I know he's a bit of a "trendy" -- don't do that. 63 00:04:22,343 --> 00:04:24,375 Do what? The inverted-commas thing. 64 00:04:24,444 --> 00:04:27,642 Yeah. Readily, it is a bit of a "cunty" thing to do. 65 00:04:27,743 --> 00:04:29,542 [ tires squealing ] 66 00:04:29,710 --> 00:04:35,009 Christ, bloody cabbies. They think they own the road. 67 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:36,009 Look, here's the thing -- 68 00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:37,677 I think I know what you really want to say. I know. 69 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:39,576 Do you? Yeah. 70 00:04:39,677 --> 00:04:42,676 Yeah, uzma's a lovely girl, but, you know, men -- 71 00:04:42,778 --> 00:04:45,777 For men, women are like a buffet, aren't they? 72 00:04:45,878 --> 00:04:47,376 You know, you don't want to sit down 73 00:04:47,478 --> 00:04:49,877 Till you've piled your plate up as high as possible, you know, 74 00:04:50,011 --> 00:04:51,376 So it's toppling all over, you know. 75 00:04:51,478 --> 00:04:54,376 You got a bit of red meat, you got a bit of poached salmon, 76 00:04:54,478 --> 00:04:56,844 A bit of turkey meat, a bit of white meat, huh? 77 00:04:56,944 --> 00:04:58,178 You get my drift? 78 00:04:58,278 --> 00:05:01,210 So, it's an all-you-can-eat deal, this buffet, is it? 79 00:05:01,311 --> 00:05:02,310 Exactly. 80 00:05:02,411 --> 00:05:03,745 Get off. 81 00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:06,277 Dad, the only woman I'm interested in is uzma. 82 00:05:06,379 --> 00:05:07,443 I don't like buffets. 83 00:05:07,544 --> 00:05:09,844 I prefer sit-down meals in restaurants. 84 00:05:09,945 --> 00:05:11,545 Yeah, I know, I know, I know, restaurants, 85 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,178 Where you always order the same thing -- 86 00:05:13,278 --> 00:05:14,977 Chicken karahi with chips and tomato sauce. 87 00:05:15,079 --> 00:05:16,478 Yeah, I do. 88 00:05:16,578 --> 00:05:18,711 So next time I need a dose of middle-aged muslim misogyny, 89 00:05:18,812 --> 00:05:20,678 I will call hanif kureishi. 90 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:24,312 Dad, I need to tell you something about the wedding, 91 00:05:24,412 --> 00:05:27,711 And I just need you to listen, you know, calmly. 92 00:05:27,745 --> 00:05:30,444 Okay, all right. Okay, you got it. 93 00:05:30,579 --> 00:05:31,578 I'm zen. 94 00:05:31,679 --> 00:05:33,012 I'm gandhi. 95 00:05:33,112 --> 00:05:34,911 Go. Go for it. 96 00:05:35,013 --> 00:05:36,878 Right. Well -- 97 00:05:37,079 --> 00:05:40,045 [ tires squealing ] aah! Dad! 98 00:05:40,147 --> 00:05:42,711 Stupid fuck. 99 00:05:42,813 --> 00:05:44,179 You stupid tossing wanker! 100 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:47,678 What's your fucking problem? Learn to fucking drive! 101 00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:49,479 [ classical music plays ] 102 00:05:49,579 --> 00:05:52,445 Wanker! 103 00:05:52,546 --> 00:05:56,612 Moron! Fucking stupid fuckwits! 104 00:05:59,512 --> 00:06:01,713 All right, where were we? 105 00:06:01,815 --> 00:06:04,312 I know uzma's mum has been in pakistan. 106 00:06:04,346 --> 00:06:05,680 I'm not completely out of the loop. 107 00:06:05,881 --> 00:06:08,113 Okay, well, um, she -- she's met someone. 108 00:06:08,213 --> 00:06:10,212 Hmm? A man. 109 00:06:10,314 --> 00:06:12,513 You know, she's obviously still a very attractive woman, 110 00:06:12,614 --> 00:06:14,445 Especially the, uh -- 111 00:06:14,547 --> 00:06:16,780 Would it upset you if I said the word "tits"? 112 00:06:16,881 --> 00:06:18,212 Yes. 113 00:06:18,314 --> 00:06:19,946 Although I -- 114 00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:22,747 The point -- the point is she's gonna get married again, right? 115 00:06:22,881 --> 00:06:24,647 Yeah, I'm not surprised, given the -- 116 00:06:24,748 --> 00:06:26,614 No, don't do the tits action again. 117 00:06:26,714 --> 00:06:28,214 Look, what I'm trying to say -- 118 00:06:28,314 --> 00:06:29,681 When did uzma's dad die, again? 119 00:06:29,781 --> 00:06:31,380 Three years ago, so, look -- 120 00:06:31,449 --> 00:06:33,814 You know, um, when my dad died, 121 00:06:33,848 --> 00:06:36,247 I was still so young, you know? 122 00:06:36,347 --> 00:06:39,447 I didn't want mum to even look at another man. 123 00:06:39,582 --> 00:06:41,547 But now she's gone, too, so, looking back -- 124 00:06:41,647 --> 00:06:43,380 Uzma's flying out tomorrow to pakistan 125 00:06:43,481 --> 00:06:45,147 For her mum's wedding, right, and -- 126 00:06:45,248 --> 00:06:47,782 When do we meet this new stepdad of hers? 127 00:06:47,882 --> 00:06:50,281 Well, um, they're all coming back week after next, 128 00:06:50,382 --> 00:06:52,380 And he wants to meet us then... Yeah? 129 00:06:52,482 --> 00:06:55,548 ...Me, mum, you. 130 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:58,548 Okay, no problems. So, who is he? 131 00:07:02,915 --> 00:07:04,181 No. 132 00:07:04,283 --> 00:07:05,948 Yeah. 133 00:07:07,682 --> 00:07:08,915 No. 134 00:07:09,017 --> 00:07:10,281 Yes. 135 00:07:11,816 --> 00:07:14,116 No! 136 00:07:14,249 --> 00:07:16,048 That's fair enough, you know, given the -- 137 00:07:16,116 --> 00:07:17,249 Shut it! 138 00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:18,949 Get in here! 139 00:07:29,150 --> 00:07:31,549 Have you gone completely mental?! 140 00:07:31,717 --> 00:07:33,682 Um, did you put a parking permit in the car? 141 00:07:33,783 --> 00:07:35,550 Don't change the subject! 142 00:07:35,651 --> 00:07:37,649 God, isn't it enough that you and I put on a rucksack, 143 00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:39,617 We get a whole fucking tube carriage to ourselves? 144 00:07:39,817 --> 00:07:40,783 Dad. 145 00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:44,082 Uh, wait a minute. I know this is in here. 146 00:07:44,184 --> 00:07:45,316 Dad, come on. 147 00:07:45,418 --> 00:07:48,216 Look at this. Do you know why mum kept that? 148 00:07:48,317 --> 00:07:50,450 I wrote a letter to this paper once, 149 00:07:50,551 --> 00:07:53,250 Explaining why people like us have to stand up 150 00:07:53,351 --> 00:07:56,184 To wahhabi nutters like your would-be dad-in-law. 151 00:07:56,285 --> 00:08:00,150 "this is an issue which should unite all british muslims, 152 00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:03,084 Whether sunni or shite." 153 00:08:03,185 --> 00:08:05,416 Yeah, well, I wrote a letter complaining about that, 154 00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:08,117 But they didn't print it for some reason. Calm down. Listen. 155 00:08:08,218 --> 00:08:13,051 We need his approval, or I can't marry uzma. 156 00:08:13,152 --> 00:08:14,218 Give me one thing. 157 00:08:14,318 --> 00:08:17,151 Give me one thing guaranteed to make me less calm 158 00:08:17,251 --> 00:08:19,551 Than inviting arshad al-fucking-stalin 159 00:08:19,651 --> 00:08:20,717 Into my family. 160 00:08:20,817 --> 00:08:22,285 Look. [ truck beeping ] 161 00:08:27,952 --> 00:08:29,385 I just parked for two minutes! 162 00:08:29,486 --> 00:08:31,552 It was two minutes! This is my dead mum! 163 00:08:31,653 --> 00:08:33,652 My dead mum! 164 00:08:35,785 --> 00:08:39,219 Tossers! 165 00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,352 I don't believe it! 166 00:08:42,486 --> 00:08:43,952 [ panting ] 167 00:08:44,052 --> 00:08:46,452 They never come 'round this way, 168 00:08:46,553 --> 00:08:48,718 Not this time on a Thursday... 169 00:08:48,853 --> 00:08:52,719 Not unless someone was... 170 00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:57,887 Was that you? 171 00:08:58,054 --> 00:09:00,119 You fucking... 172 00:09:00,286 --> 00:09:03,219 [ classical music plays ] 173 00:09:03,321 --> 00:09:05,286 What's your problem, man? 174 00:09:05,386 --> 00:09:08,220 I'm trying to clear out my dead mother's house here! 175 00:09:08,321 --> 00:09:09,652 [ speaking arabic ] 176 00:09:09,754 --> 00:09:11,886 You got something against my family? 177 00:09:12,054 --> 00:09:13,687 Is that what it is? 178 00:09:13,788 --> 00:09:15,986 Against mini-cab owners? 179 00:09:16,087 --> 00:09:17,920 Right, yeah, I got it. Yeah. 180 00:09:18,021 --> 00:09:20,353 Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughs ] 181 00:09:20,453 --> 00:09:23,754 It's muslims, isn't it? Muslims. 182 00:09:26,321 --> 00:09:27,253 Come out here. 183 00:09:27,354 --> 00:09:29,387 Stop it. Leave it. Dad, leave it. 184 00:09:29,488 --> 00:09:31,687 Fucking come out here! Just leave it. 185 00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:34,154 All right, I'm easy. Easy. All right, I'm calm. 186 00:09:35,655 --> 00:09:38,620 Stop! Dad, stop it! Come here! 187 00:09:38,688 --> 00:09:40,254 It's not worth it! Stop it! 188 00:09:40,355 --> 00:09:42,054 They think they own the world. 189 00:09:42,155 --> 00:09:44,320 Come on. A minute ago, it was just the road. 190 00:09:44,421 --> 00:09:46,822 I don't mean cabbies. 191 00:10:04,655 --> 00:10:06,889 The car's at the pound in charlton street. 192 00:10:06,990 --> 00:10:10,421 I love this one. Never knew what it meant. 193 00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:13,821 "he who looks after an orphan shall be in paradise." 194 00:10:13,922 --> 00:10:17,022 Ah. Yep. Yep, of course. 195 00:10:17,122 --> 00:10:20,122 Because the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was an orphan. 196 00:10:20,223 --> 00:10:21,490 I knew that, rashid. 197 00:10:21,590 --> 00:10:23,789 His father died before he was born. 198 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:26,155 You know, I've read my qur'an. 199 00:10:26,257 --> 00:10:29,523 Yeah, well, the qur'an never actually mentions his parents. 200 00:10:29,624 --> 00:10:32,056 Anyway, dad, here's the thing -- 201 00:10:32,157 --> 00:10:34,256 I really want to marry uzma, 202 00:10:34,357 --> 00:10:37,856 And I know her stepdad might seem a little strict. 203 00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:39,090 Yeah. 204 00:10:39,191 --> 00:10:41,389 But we need him to think we're proper muslims. 205 00:10:41,457 --> 00:10:44,388 [ scoffs ] we are proper muslims. 206 00:10:44,490 --> 00:10:45,722 Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. 207 00:10:45,823 --> 00:10:47,524 I meant observant ones, you know? 208 00:10:47,625 --> 00:10:49,790 Rashid, listen. 209 00:10:49,890 --> 00:10:53,424 Look, I may not say my namaz five times a day, okay? 210 00:10:53,524 --> 00:10:55,756 I may not even, you know, fast 211 00:10:55,858 --> 00:10:58,024 Every day of ramadan, you know? 212 00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,356 And, now and again, 213 00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:02,490 A small sip of the old pale ale passes my lips. 214 00:11:02,591 --> 00:11:05,623 But in here, in here, by the name of the prophet, 215 00:11:05,724 --> 00:11:09,524 Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, allah lives, okay? 216 00:11:09,624 --> 00:11:11,390 Come on. Okay, dad. Of course. 217 00:11:11,459 --> 00:11:13,658 I just need that to be clear, you know? 218 00:11:13,793 --> 00:11:14,791 When the time comes, 219 00:11:14,892 --> 00:11:19,058 I think maybe it's what they would have wanted. 220 00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:23,857 [ sighs ] you're right. 221 00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:26,390 All right. I promise, okay? 222 00:11:26,526 --> 00:11:30,692 I promise that when fundamentalist fatty fatwa face 223 00:11:30,792 --> 00:11:31,724 Comes around... Dad. 224 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,057 ...I'll be very -- don't do that. 225 00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:34,059 I'm joking. 226 00:11:34,159 --> 00:11:37,125 I promise that when uzma's stepdad pops by, 227 00:11:37,226 --> 00:11:39,792 I will be the best muslim I can be. 228 00:11:39,894 --> 00:11:41,558 Hey? Thanks, dad. 229 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:42,692 Come on. Thanks. 230 00:11:42,726 --> 00:11:44,925 Come on, let's finish up the job. 231 00:11:45,026 --> 00:11:48,224 Subhan'allah, look at all this stuff. 232 00:11:48,326 --> 00:11:51,358 God, my dad's military service, discharge certificate. 233 00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,458 You got mum's birth certificate. 234 00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:57,259 You got my birth... 235 00:11:57,359 --> 00:11:58,692 Certificate. 236 00:12:20,294 --> 00:12:21,893 Saamiya? 237 00:12:22,028 --> 00:12:23,326 Huh? 238 00:12:26,228 --> 00:12:28,860 Where's my mother now? 239 00:12:28,961 --> 00:12:31,861 In jannah. 240 00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:36,794 She's flying with your father through the seven skies. 241 00:12:38,861 --> 00:12:40,660 My father. 242 00:12:54,928 --> 00:12:56,360 Woman: Well, mr. Nasir, 243 00:12:56,462 --> 00:12:59,161 I think we can think only one thing, really. 244 00:12:59,262 --> 00:13:02,360 You were adopted at the age of 2 weeks 245 00:13:02,395 --> 00:13:07,194 From the whitechapel branch of the waifs and strays society. 246 00:13:07,294 --> 00:13:10,828 Waifs and strays? 247 00:13:10,930 --> 00:13:13,196 What was I, a golden retriever? 248 00:13:13,296 --> 00:13:15,861 It's now simply called the children's society. 249 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:18,730 Right. 250 00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:22,028 So, who are my real parents? 251 00:13:22,130 --> 00:13:24,463 Ah, we don't tend to use the word "real" 252 00:13:24,564 --> 00:13:26,028 In these cases, mr. Nasir. 253 00:13:26,129 --> 00:13:27,962 Oh, what word would you use? 254 00:13:28,062 --> 00:13:30,763 Would you use "lazy" or "irresponsible" 255 00:13:30,864 --> 00:13:32,728 Or "couldn't quite be bothered to bring me up" parents? 256 00:13:32,763 --> 00:13:35,130 "birth." we say "the birth parents." 257 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:39,164 Ah, okay, sorry. So who are my "birth" parents? 258 00:13:39,265 --> 00:13:40,963 Can you not do that inverted-commas thing? 259 00:13:41,064 --> 00:13:42,362 Yes, all right. Yes, yep. 260 00:13:42,463 --> 00:13:44,363 If you wish to trace your real parentage, 261 00:13:44,464 --> 00:13:45,764 You will have to go to one of the agencies 262 00:13:45,864 --> 00:13:47,297 That deal with that. 263 00:13:47,430 --> 00:13:49,029 They'll put you in touch with a counselor... Just the name. 264 00:13:49,131 --> 00:13:50,630 ...After which -- 265 00:13:50,731 --> 00:13:53,230 Just the real name, my birth name. I need to know. 266 00:13:53,398 --> 00:13:54,964 I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. 267 00:13:55,064 --> 00:13:56,430 Mrs. Keyes, please. 268 00:13:56,531 --> 00:14:00,497 In my culture, a man's name is really important to him. 269 00:14:00,698 --> 00:14:02,764 I'm afraid not. 270 00:14:02,864 --> 00:14:04,031 Just -- just the first name. 271 00:14:04,131 --> 00:14:06,564 Look, you may have had no name at all. 272 00:14:06,632 --> 00:14:08,430 Many waifs and strays do not. 273 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:11,431 Okay, well, just check that, please. 274 00:14:11,531 --> 00:14:14,963 I'm -- I'm sorry I'm taking your time, miss. 275 00:14:15,065 --> 00:14:20,130 No -- uh, you do -- did. 276 00:14:20,230 --> 00:14:21,698 So, there you go. 277 00:14:23,498 --> 00:14:26,165 Um, well, c-can you tell me what the name was? 278 00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:28,297 I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't tell you that. 279 00:14:28,366 --> 00:14:29,431 No, no. No, you didn't. 280 00:14:29,532 --> 00:14:30,997 You said you wouldn't tell me my whole name. 281 00:14:31,098 --> 00:14:32,765 Look, I can't trace anything with just nothing! 282 00:14:32,866 --> 00:14:36,131 All right, all right. 283 00:14:36,232 --> 00:14:38,098 Will you go if I tell you? 284 00:14:38,199 --> 00:14:41,231 Yes, I'll be happy -- really happy -- to go. 285 00:14:42,534 --> 00:14:43,965 [ sighs ] 286 00:14:44,066 --> 00:14:46,999 Well, what is it? Is it akbar? Omar? 287 00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,932 Jamal? I've always liked "jamal." 288 00:14:50,034 --> 00:14:53,000 Solly. 289 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:56,965 Solly? Solly? 290 00:14:57,066 --> 00:15:00,065 No, there's got to be some mistake in the records. 291 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,598 Can I just look at that, please? 292 00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:03,299 No, you said you'd go. Come on, please. 293 00:15:03,399 --> 00:15:05,000 That's before I knew my name was solly. 294 00:15:05,101 --> 00:15:06,565 Now, see here. Just have a quick look. 295 00:15:06,767 --> 00:15:09,066 Please, please, please. Mrs. Keyes, please. 296 00:15:09,201 --> 00:15:11,233 Mr. Nasir, I will call security. 297 00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:12,499 I need to look at it. I need to look at it. 298 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,432 I need to look at it, please. Thank you. 299 00:15:15,534 --> 00:15:19,033 Excuse me. Thank you. 300 00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:21,666 Shimshiz-- 301 00:15:21,768 --> 00:15:23,367 I think it's pronounced "shimshileewitz." 302 00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:26,067 Security. Solly shimshileewitz. 303 00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:27,367 Yes. 304 00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:30,067 No. 305 00:15:30,134 --> 00:15:32,900 But that would mean I was -- 306 00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:35,268 I-I-I was -- 307 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:36,467 Yes, mr. Nasir, 308 00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:39,534 As, indeed, it goes on to confirm later in the document, 309 00:15:39,635 --> 00:15:43,000 In common with many people living in this area at the time, 310 00:15:43,102 --> 00:15:44,634 You are, by birth, jewish. 311 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,068 [ laughs ] no. 312 00:15:46,168 --> 00:15:49,000 No, but I can't be. I mean, look at me. 313 00:15:49,101 --> 00:15:51,268 I'm so obviously not. 314 00:15:51,335 --> 00:15:52,434 [ scoffs ] 315 00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,534 Well, it's not what it says here, mr. Nasir, 316 00:15:54,637 --> 00:15:56,568 And you are also, at the present time, leaving. 317 00:15:56,668 --> 00:15:58,300 Thank you. Oh, what? Give me a break. 318 00:15:58,401 --> 00:15:59,768 You find out you're jewish, 319 00:15:59,869 --> 00:16:01,835 And suddenly some bloke in a uniform is leading you away? 320 00:16:01,903 --> 00:16:03,000 That's ridiculous. Come on! 321 00:16:03,102 --> 00:16:05,602 � the virgin mary had a baby boy � 322 00:16:05,736 --> 00:16:08,935 � the virgin mary had a baby boy � 323 00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:11,535 � the virgin mary had a baby boy � 324 00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:14,401 � and they say that his name is jesus � 325 00:16:14,503 --> 00:16:18,269 � he came from the glory � 326 00:16:18,370 --> 00:16:20,969 � he came from the glorious kingdom � 327 00:16:21,070 --> 00:16:23,902 � he came from the glory � 328 00:16:23,969 --> 00:16:26,636 � he came from the glorious kingdom � 329 00:16:26,738 --> 00:16:29,869 � oh, yes, believe us � 330 00:16:29,969 --> 00:16:32,970 � oh, yes, believe us � 331 00:16:33,070 --> 00:16:36,303 � he came from the glorious kingdom � 332 00:16:36,403 --> 00:16:40,169 [ folk music plays ] 333 00:17:14,004 --> 00:17:15,738 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 334 00:17:15,839 --> 00:17:18,071 I'm sorry I drank some beer. 335 00:17:18,172 --> 00:17:23,004 I'm sorry I fancied that pram-faced tart in tesco. 336 00:17:23,071 --> 00:17:26,405 Please just make it not true -- please. [ man chanting in ara bic ] 337 00:17:30,972 --> 00:17:32,605 Hello, george. 338 00:17:32,705 --> 00:17:33,805 Daniel, how are you? 339 00:17:33,906 --> 00:17:37,071 Very good. Very good. You're looking well. 340 00:17:57,772 --> 00:18:00,139 Easy, easy! 341 00:18:00,274 --> 00:18:04,739 Excuse me. Do you mind just watching where you're... 342 00:18:15,974 --> 00:18:18,340 Man: A fabulous track there by cat stevens, 343 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,640 Or yusuf islam, I should say. 344 00:18:20,740 --> 00:18:22,440 Morning, jew. 345 00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:23,773 Morning. 346 00:18:23,874 --> 00:18:25,373 What would you like for breakfast? 347 00:18:25,508 --> 00:18:27,540 Crunchy bread. 348 00:18:27,641 --> 00:18:29,240 Sorry, did you just say -- 349 00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,273 Daddy? Yes, darling? 350 00:18:31,441 --> 00:18:33,840 Can you do up my jews? 351 00:18:35,241 --> 00:18:37,542 What are you talking about? 352 00:18:37,642 --> 00:18:40,773 Mmm. There's too much jew in this tea. 353 00:18:40,874 --> 00:18:43,241 Sorry, did I say "tea"? I meant "jew." 354 00:18:46,508 --> 00:18:47,441 Ah-jew! 355 00:18:47,541 --> 00:18:49,140 Ah-jew! 356 00:18:49,242 --> 00:18:52,941 Well, look, I've got to go to work. 357 00:18:53,009 --> 00:18:55,108 [ speaking hebrew ] 358 00:18:55,209 --> 00:18:57,442 Yes, good. 359 00:18:57,542 --> 00:18:58,841 I need to study this. 360 00:19:01,375 --> 00:19:03,208 [ bell tolls ] 361 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:06,274 [ rock music playing, people cheering ] 362 00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:08,308 [ man singing indistinctly ] 363 00:19:31,543 --> 00:19:33,075 [ snoring ] 364 00:19:33,176 --> 00:19:35,943 [ laughs ] mahmud. 365 00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,843 Mahmud! 366 00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:40,376 [ speaking arabic ] wake up! Mahmud! 367 00:19:40,476 --> 00:19:43,976 Mahmud, wake up. 368 00:19:44,078 --> 00:19:46,377 [ laughs ] have you been here all night? 369 00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:48,043 Come, come. Stand, stand, stand. 370 00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:49,277 Oh, geez. 371 00:19:49,377 --> 00:19:51,809 You've fallen asleep. It's okay. 372 00:19:51,911 --> 00:19:53,842 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 373 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,311 Oh, I got to go back. 374 00:19:55,411 --> 00:19:57,176 Christ, my wife will kill me. 375 00:19:57,278 --> 00:19:59,744 [ sighs ] 376 00:19:59,844 --> 00:20:00,843 Imam... 377 00:20:00,945 --> 00:20:02,877 Yes? What? 378 00:20:02,977 --> 00:20:04,977 There's something I'd like to talk to you about. 379 00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,311 Is it about rashid and uzma? 380 00:20:06,412 --> 00:20:08,444 I mean, I know it's a little heavy 381 00:20:08,544 --> 00:20:11,011 That al-masri's her stepdad, a little "wtf?" 382 00:20:11,113 --> 00:20:12,144 No. Well, yeah. 383 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,044 No, no, no. That's not it, though. 384 00:20:14,144 --> 00:20:15,644 Here's the thing -- 385 00:20:15,744 --> 00:20:19,543 I've just found out something about myself. 386 00:20:19,645 --> 00:20:21,977 Ah, a difficult thing? 387 00:20:22,079 --> 00:20:24,078 [ sighs ] you're telling me. 388 00:20:24,178 --> 00:20:27,745 Something that deeply challenges your idea of yourself? 389 00:20:27,846 --> 00:20:29,477 Yes, yes, exactly. 390 00:20:29,578 --> 00:20:32,078 I think I know what it is you're trying to tell me. 391 00:20:32,179 --> 00:20:33,377 You do? 392 00:20:33,479 --> 00:20:35,911 Yes. You're not the first. 393 00:20:36,011 --> 00:20:37,811 Really? No. 394 00:20:37,913 --> 00:20:40,412 I mean, the thing is, the qur'an is pretty rigid on this. 395 00:20:40,512 --> 00:20:41,546 Yes, of course. 396 00:20:41,647 --> 00:20:44,778 But islam is about mercy and interpretation, 397 00:20:44,879 --> 00:20:48,111 And my interpretation is this -- 398 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,944 If you're gay, you're gay. 399 00:20:51,046 --> 00:20:52,745 Oh, for christ's sake, no -- yeah. 400 00:20:52,846 --> 00:20:55,445 Now, now, I know al-araf ayah 80 states 401 00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:59,346 That ye who practice their lusts upon men as opposed to women 402 00:20:59,412 --> 00:21:01,978 Rain down on them a shower of brimstone. 403 00:21:02,079 --> 00:21:03,745 That's not actually -- it sounds bad, I know. 404 00:21:03,780 --> 00:21:06,011 But I think that brimstone 405 00:21:06,113 --> 00:21:09,513 Is already raining down on you inside. 406 00:21:09,614 --> 00:21:10,580 Yes, but -- 407 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,212 And maybe that's enough for allah. 408 00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:13,946 No, well -- do I look like -- 409 00:21:14,047 --> 00:21:18,080 Now, the punishment for this is death by stoning, 410 00:21:18,181 --> 00:21:19,447 Some say. 411 00:21:19,547 --> 00:21:22,613 But if you read my book, "islam: The other voices," 412 00:21:22,713 --> 00:21:25,713 You'll find a whole host of evidence that suggests 413 00:21:25,814 --> 00:21:27,546 That when two men... 414 00:21:27,646 --> 00:21:29,580 [ speaking indistinctly ] 415 00:21:36,513 --> 00:21:40,380 Well, have you see those christian louboutins again? 416 00:21:40,481 --> 00:21:41,614 No. 417 00:21:41,714 --> 00:21:43,080 Well, agyness deyn has stopped wearing them, 418 00:21:43,181 --> 00:21:45,315 So, of course, now they're all sold out. 419 00:21:45,415 --> 00:21:47,547 To be honest, they look a bit orthopedic boot. 420 00:21:47,648 --> 00:21:49,881 It's like having a club foot. [ laughs ] 421 00:21:49,949 --> 00:21:54,881 Muna, mahmud didn't come home last night. 422 00:21:54,982 --> 00:21:56,181 [ speaking indistinctly ] 423 00:21:56,282 --> 00:21:58,013 Just afraid to answer the phone. 424 00:21:58,181 --> 00:22:00,382 The thing is, right, my mother used to say -- 425 00:22:00,482 --> 00:22:02,680 We are all hezbollah now! 426 00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:04,647 Nabi, fish fingers? 427 00:22:04,749 --> 00:22:08,015 Kill the unbelievers! Nabi! 428 00:22:08,116 --> 00:22:10,582 The thing is, my mother used to say 429 00:22:10,683 --> 00:22:13,981 That when men's mothers die, they go a bit...Mental. 430 00:22:14,082 --> 00:22:15,916 They're midlife-crisis-y. 431 00:22:16,017 --> 00:22:20,248 Hmm. Well, has he recently got a motorbike? 432 00:22:20,349 --> 00:22:21,248 No. 433 00:22:21,350 --> 00:22:22,581 Tattoo? No. 434 00:22:22,682 --> 00:22:24,281 Back wax? I wish. 435 00:22:24,382 --> 00:22:26,449 Well, what about the other thing 436 00:22:26,550 --> 00:22:28,449 That midlife crisis-y men do? 437 00:22:28,549 --> 00:22:30,015 No. 438 00:22:30,115 --> 00:22:33,382 Honestly. I read about it in grazia. 439 00:22:33,482 --> 00:22:36,116 What you have to do is, when he comes back, 440 00:22:36,217 --> 00:22:39,115 Keep an eye out for anything which might suggest 441 00:22:39,217 --> 00:22:43,716 He's been near somebody else's perfume. 442 00:22:43,817 --> 00:22:46,182 You think he would actually -- 443 00:22:46,283 --> 00:22:48,550 [ snickers ] 444 00:22:48,650 --> 00:22:50,282 Of course not! 445 00:22:50,383 --> 00:22:53,183 This is mahmud we're talking about! 446 00:22:53,285 --> 00:22:55,716 [ door opens, closes ] 447 00:22:58,118 --> 00:22:59,183 Mahmud? 448 00:22:59,285 --> 00:23:01,716 I need to take a shower. 449 00:23:06,618 --> 00:23:09,517 Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew! 450 00:23:09,618 --> 00:23:11,751 Aah! 451 00:23:11,851 --> 00:23:15,518 So, I'm dying to know. How was the big day? 452 00:23:15,618 --> 00:23:16,983 I don't know. 453 00:23:17,050 --> 00:23:19,284 It was a weird wedding -- 454 00:23:19,386 --> 00:23:21,817 Catering by al-qaeda. 455 00:23:21,918 --> 00:23:24,817 Check out their bridesmaids' quarters. 456 00:23:29,653 --> 00:23:31,184 Oh, jesus. 457 00:23:31,286 --> 00:23:34,484 I'm still hoping for an upgrade to a room in abu ghraib. 458 00:23:34,586 --> 00:23:36,717 [ lau ghs ] 459 00:23:36,819 --> 00:23:38,753 So, how did it go with your dad? 460 00:23:38,853 --> 00:23:39,919 Actually not bad, you know? 461 00:23:40,020 --> 00:23:41,551 He seemed to take it quite seriously. 462 00:23:41,652 --> 00:23:43,084 And I'm keeping him sweet. 463 00:23:43,185 --> 00:23:46,219 I found this clip of this '80s pop star he likes, right? 464 00:23:46,319 --> 00:23:48,084 And -- wow! 465 00:23:48,186 --> 00:23:51,685 Dad, you look great. Doesn't he look great? 466 00:23:51,786 --> 00:23:53,584 [ lau ghs ] 467 00:23:53,719 --> 00:23:55,586 Mr. Nasir, you look lovely. 468 00:23:55,686 --> 00:23:57,185 Thank you. Thank you. 469 00:23:57,253 --> 00:23:59,685 Um, can I use my computer, please? 470 00:23:59,787 --> 00:24:01,619 Yeah. Bye, darling. 471 00:24:01,719 --> 00:24:03,652 Bye, rashid. I love you. 472 00:24:03,719 --> 00:24:07,219 And, mr. Nasir, thank you so much. 473 00:24:08,954 --> 00:24:11,020 Dad, look at this. 474 00:24:11,121 --> 00:24:12,185 It's a "support palestine" rally 475 00:24:12,287 --> 00:24:14,486 That uzma's stepdad's gonna be talking at next week. 476 00:24:14,553 --> 00:24:17,252 I thought we should go, you know, show willing, hmm? 477 00:24:17,352 --> 00:24:19,652 Is the bloke with the hook gonna be there? 478 00:24:19,753 --> 00:24:21,119 You know I'm fond of him. 479 00:24:21,221 --> 00:24:24,919 Dad, it's a just cause, one we all believe in. 480 00:24:25,020 --> 00:24:26,987 Oh, of course, yeah. I'll definitely be there. 481 00:24:27,087 --> 00:24:29,953 Okay. Oh, I forgot to show you something. Hang on. 482 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,954 [ electronic pop music play s ] 483 00:24:34,621 --> 00:24:36,221 Eh? 484 00:24:36,321 --> 00:24:38,354 I've never seen this. 485 00:24:38,454 --> 00:24:39,620 It's your favorite. 486 00:24:39,721 --> 00:24:40,820 Gary page. 487 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,555 So, what happened to him, anyway? 488 00:24:43,655 --> 00:24:44,987 Oh, I don't know. 489 00:24:45,088 --> 00:24:49,986 He died or disappeared or something about 10 years ago. 490 00:24:50,088 --> 00:24:52,820 Stop! Stop! Stop, you fucking idiots! 491 00:24:52,923 --> 00:24:55,587 You morons! 492 00:24:55,687 --> 00:24:57,355 I always go to sleep at midnight. 493 00:24:57,455 --> 00:24:59,188 It's when I fucking close my eyes, isn't it? 494 00:24:59,288 --> 00:25:01,520 Fuck off, you fucking paki! 495 00:25:01,622 --> 00:25:02,555 [ crowd boo ing ] oh, god. 496 00:25:02,655 --> 00:25:03,821 Dad, I'm sorry. 497 00:25:03,923 --> 00:25:05,654 I hadn't watched it that far. 498 00:25:05,755 --> 00:25:07,222 [ indistinct shouti ng ] 499 00:25:11,555 --> 00:25:15,554 I always knew he was a psycho. 500 00:25:15,656 --> 00:25:17,021 Okay, so, um -- 501 00:25:17,122 --> 00:25:18,288 Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. 502 00:25:18,357 --> 00:25:20,388 Thank you. 503 00:25:20,489 --> 00:25:22,889 Okay. [ sighs ] 504 00:25:56,057 --> 00:25:58,023 [ scoffs ] 505 00:26:37,859 --> 00:26:39,224 What are you doing? 506 00:26:39,324 --> 00:26:40,658 Nothing. 507 00:26:40,759 --> 00:26:43,458 I just was wondering if I should, uh, 508 00:26:43,559 --> 00:26:46,057 Order a new suit for the wedding. 509 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:47,958 You know, what should I buy? 510 00:26:48,059 --> 00:26:50,924 Um, I don't know. Hmm. 511 00:26:51,025 --> 00:26:53,858 Where were you last night? 512 00:26:53,959 --> 00:26:57,825 Last night, I-I stayed at my mother's house again, 513 00:26:57,927 --> 00:27:02,558 Yeah, just thinking, praying... 514 00:27:02,660 --> 00:27:05,292 And stuff. 515 00:27:05,393 --> 00:27:08,193 All right. [ clears throat ] 516 00:27:11,726 --> 00:27:14,126 Wasif: Any driver at all -- cricklewood? 517 00:27:14,228 --> 00:27:16,859 Sharif: Oh, um, I got some blokes with a van. 518 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,260 You know, you said sort it, 519 00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,126 To move some boxes from your mum's. 520 00:27:20,227 --> 00:27:21,393 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 521 00:27:21,494 --> 00:27:22,625 Thank you, sharif. Thank you. Sorry. 522 00:27:22,728 --> 00:27:23,593 It's all right. It's okay. 523 00:27:23,761 --> 00:27:26,293 Sharif? Yeah? 524 00:27:26,393 --> 00:27:28,226 We're all friends, aren't we? 525 00:27:28,327 --> 00:27:29,527 Yeah. 526 00:27:29,628 --> 00:27:32,160 I mean, we can tell each other anything. 527 00:27:32,260 --> 00:27:33,960 I hope so. 528 00:27:37,761 --> 00:27:39,227 It's good to know. 529 00:27:44,461 --> 00:27:46,394 [ indistinct conversations ] 530 00:27:51,162 --> 00:27:53,527 That david schwimmer -- 531 00:27:53,595 --> 00:27:56,694 He's, uh, jewish, isn't he? 532 00:27:56,863 --> 00:27:58,660 He's got enough money to be, boss. 533 00:27:58,695 --> 00:28:00,627 [ laughs ] that's it, wasif. 534 00:28:00,729 --> 00:28:03,760 Yeah, you're right, yeah -- rich, jewish...Wankers. 535 00:28:03,861 --> 00:28:06,194 They're all jews on american tv. 536 00:28:06,295 --> 00:28:09,061 On tv? The whole country's run by jews. 537 00:28:09,162 --> 00:28:11,929 It's basically the United States of israel. 538 00:28:12,030 --> 00:28:13,828 Exactly, yeah. 539 00:28:13,896 --> 00:28:15,428 Yeah, bloody jews. 540 00:28:15,528 --> 00:28:17,062 I don't know about all that. 541 00:28:17,096 --> 00:28:19,161 They're people of the book, aren't they? 542 00:28:19,262 --> 00:28:21,728 Yeah, people of the checkbook, more like. 543 00:28:21,829 --> 00:28:24,694 [ laughter ] that's funny. 544 00:28:24,796 --> 00:28:26,796 That's a good one -- the people of the checkbook. 545 00:28:26,896 --> 00:28:29,762 [ laughing ] 546 00:28:35,997 --> 00:28:37,195 Oh, that's -- mahmud? 547 00:28:37,430 --> 00:28:40,262 Yeah? You all right? 548 00:28:40,362 --> 00:28:42,696 Yeah, you know, it was a good one. Yeah. 549 00:28:42,763 --> 00:28:47,596 Anyway, uh, very good. Keep up the good work. 550 00:28:47,696 --> 00:28:51,463 Jew scum! 551 00:28:55,197 --> 00:28:56,997 [ man speaking on radio ] 552 00:28:57,097 --> 00:28:58,596 It's here on the left. 553 00:28:58,798 --> 00:29:01,230 I put the cones to reserve the space. 554 00:29:31,399 --> 00:29:33,464 [ doorbell ringing ] 555 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,931 You got really fucking -- I knew I shouldn't have rubbed that fucking lamp. 556 00:29:48,033 --> 00:29:49,665 You american? 557 00:29:49,765 --> 00:29:51,931 [ british accent ] nah, I'm a -- I'm a cockney sparrow. 558 00:29:51,999 --> 00:29:54,299 Come on, move your cab. [ normal voice ] beg your pardon? 559 00:29:54,367 --> 00:29:56,532 What happened to that famed islamic politeness? 560 00:29:56,633 --> 00:29:58,864 You saw the space was marked. Move your fucking cab! 561 00:29:58,965 --> 00:30:00,567 Well, great. I've lived here for 15 years! 562 00:30:00,667 --> 00:30:02,398 I'll park wherever I want to park! 563 00:30:02,499 --> 00:30:04,666 Just move it up a bit further up the road, all right? 564 00:30:04,766 --> 00:30:06,400 I like that space. I always park there. 565 00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:07,999 Oh, yeah, yeah, I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. 566 00:30:08,099 --> 00:30:10,932 Yeah, it's a bit like the occupied territories, isn't it? 567 00:30:11,034 --> 00:30:12,665 Oh, here it is! Here it comes! 568 00:30:12,766 --> 00:30:14,465 The anti-semitic stuff! You heard it here first! 569 00:30:14,566 --> 00:30:16,133 I'm not being anti-semitic. Oh, no? 570 00:30:16,234 --> 00:30:17,566 What else you want to call me, huh? 571 00:30:17,666 --> 00:30:18,932 Hymie? Kike? Huh? Bagel breath? 572 00:30:19,033 --> 00:30:21,799 Bollocks. 4x2? Neocon? 573 00:30:21,933 --> 00:30:23,466 No, no, no. No, no, no. I'm not being anti-semitic. 574 00:30:23,567 --> 00:30:25,400 Yeah? Yeah? I can't be. 575 00:30:25,500 --> 00:30:28,199 Yeah? Why not? Because I'm a fucking jew! 576 00:30:30,801 --> 00:30:32,533 I'm a jew. 577 00:30:32,634 --> 00:30:35,199 Shit! 578 00:30:35,300 --> 00:30:37,100 Don't you dare tell anyone. 579 00:30:37,201 --> 00:30:38,599 I'm the shoe bomber. Pleasure to meet you. 580 00:30:38,700 --> 00:30:42,333 No, listen to me. I just found out I'm adopted by muslims. 581 00:30:42,434 --> 00:30:46,535 My real parents... Are jews. 582 00:30:46,635 --> 00:30:49,633 [ laughs, snorts ] 583 00:30:49,735 --> 00:30:50,900 Is that funny? 584 00:30:51,001 --> 00:30:53,333 Why should I believe you? 585 00:30:53,434 --> 00:30:55,234 Why the fuck should I make it up? 586 00:30:55,335 --> 00:30:57,701 Well, that's a point. Yeah. 587 00:30:57,802 --> 00:30:59,900 No point in asking you to drop your pants, because -- 588 00:31:00,002 --> 00:31:01,334 Because circumcised? No, we all are. 589 00:31:01,435 --> 00:31:03,134 Are you? We all are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 590 00:31:04,569 --> 00:31:06,701 I know. Word association. 591 00:31:06,802 --> 00:31:07,868 Nah, what are you talking about? 592 00:31:07,970 --> 00:31:09,167 Come on, word association. What for? 593 00:31:09,269 --> 00:31:11,168 Car. [ sighs ] 594 00:31:11,268 --> 00:31:12,302 Volvo. 595 00:31:12,403 --> 00:31:13,435 Right on. 596 00:31:13,535 --> 00:31:14,534 Uh, happy. 597 00:31:14,634 --> 00:31:16,434 Ish. 598 00:31:16,536 --> 00:31:18,068 Two out of three. 599 00:31:18,168 --> 00:31:20,501 Crystal. 600 00:31:20,602 --> 00:31:21,835 Nacht. 601 00:31:21,935 --> 00:31:23,534 Wow. Even I would have said, "palace." 602 00:31:23,637 --> 00:31:25,235 Still, I don't know why -- yeah, but listen. 603 00:31:25,335 --> 00:31:26,335 Listen, listen, listen to me. 604 00:31:26,436 --> 00:31:28,336 My real name -- well, my "birth" name... 605 00:31:28,469 --> 00:31:29,435 Please don't do that. 606 00:31:29,535 --> 00:31:32,801 ...Is solly shimshileewitz. 607 00:31:32,902 --> 00:31:34,069 Solly shimshileewitz? 608 00:31:34,169 --> 00:31:35,735 Now do you believe me? 609 00:31:35,836 --> 00:31:37,635 Why didn't they just call you jewy jewjewjewjew 610 00:31:37,736 --> 00:31:39,003 And be done with it? 611 00:31:39,103 --> 00:31:41,302 It was nice talking to you, all right? Fine. 612 00:31:41,402 --> 00:31:44,569 That's almost as jewy a name as izzy shimshileewitz. 613 00:31:44,670 --> 00:31:46,035 What did you say? 614 00:31:46,136 --> 00:31:48,436 Izzy shimshileewitz -- used to live around here years ago. 615 00:31:48,537 --> 00:31:50,503 There's an izzy shimshileewitz? Well, where is he? 616 00:31:50,604 --> 00:31:51,935 Is he still alive? Where is he? 617 00:31:52,103 --> 00:31:53,804 Fuck knows. 618 00:31:53,972 --> 00:31:55,237 Where are you going? 619 00:31:55,305 --> 00:31:56,636 To move my cab. 620 00:31:56,737 --> 00:31:58,169 What, 'cause you just find out -- 621 00:31:58,238 --> 00:32:00,237 Yeah, welcome to the worldwide conspiracy. 622 00:32:03,604 --> 00:32:04,603 Would you like a chip? 623 00:32:04,704 --> 00:32:06,436 Got one. 624 00:32:06,538 --> 00:32:07,604 [ booing ] 625 00:32:07,704 --> 00:32:09,405 [ doorbell ringing ] 626 00:32:15,738 --> 00:32:17,970 Yes? 627 00:32:18,071 --> 00:32:21,537 I called earlier about izzy shimshileewitz. 628 00:32:21,571 --> 00:32:25,104 You the guy that phoned five of the jewish old-age homes? 629 00:32:25,205 --> 00:32:27,837 Uh, yeah. How did you know? 630 00:32:27,939 --> 00:32:29,637 'cause we jewish old-age homes 631 00:32:29,738 --> 00:32:32,071 Share info for security purposes. 632 00:32:32,172 --> 00:32:33,971 We're very tight on that stuff, 633 00:32:34,105 --> 00:32:35,338 Us jewish old-age homes -- 634 00:32:35,439 --> 00:32:37,604 Very tight. 635 00:32:56,340 --> 00:32:57,539 Dad? 636 00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,305 No! I don't think so. 637 00:33:00,405 --> 00:33:03,072 Firstly, you appear to be...Muslim. 638 00:33:03,173 --> 00:33:04,739 Yeah, all right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 639 00:33:04,839 --> 00:33:05,838 A-a-a-and secondly, 640 00:33:05,939 --> 00:33:07,207 I'm perhaps five years younger than you. 641 00:33:07,308 --> 00:33:09,006 Yes, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 642 00:33:09,106 --> 00:33:11,805 Yes. 643 00:33:11,908 --> 00:33:14,373 Is izzy shimshileewitz in there? 644 00:33:14,473 --> 00:33:16,439 Yes. 645 00:33:16,539 --> 00:33:18,440 Can I go in, please? Yeah, I-I-I'm afraid not. 646 00:33:18,540 --> 00:33:20,739 No, you don't understand. 647 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:24,139 I'm his son...I think. 648 00:33:24,241 --> 00:33:26,440 Do you have some sort of syndrome? 649 00:33:26,540 --> 00:33:28,806 No, no, no, no. My real parents are jews. 650 00:33:28,908 --> 00:33:30,173 I was adopted. 651 00:33:30,274 --> 00:33:32,907 I've just found out my birth name is shimshileewitz. 652 00:33:33,008 --> 00:33:34,207 Really? 653 00:33:34,308 --> 00:33:36,173 What, and you're definitely isaac's son, are you? 654 00:33:36,274 --> 00:33:38,940 Yes, yes. Well, I mean, I must be. 655 00:33:39,041 --> 00:33:40,373 Look, I'm sorry, 656 00:33:40,475 --> 00:33:41,807 But as mr. Shimshileewitz's rabbi, 657 00:33:41,908 --> 00:33:43,139 I have to think of his welfare first. 658 00:33:43,242 --> 00:33:44,374 He's a really sick man now. 659 00:33:44,474 --> 00:33:46,940 Well, then, you have to let me in. Look at you. 660 00:33:47,041 --> 00:33:49,074 A muslim son? He's an observant jew. 661 00:33:49,176 --> 00:33:50,873 It would kill him stone dead. 662 00:33:50,974 --> 00:33:52,873 [ sighs ] what do I do? 663 00:33:52,974 --> 00:33:55,708 What do you know about jews? 664 00:33:55,808 --> 00:33:58,740 They've got big noses. 665 00:33:59,909 --> 00:34:02,273 They like money. 666 00:34:02,374 --> 00:34:06,307 Oh, they do. 667 00:34:06,410 --> 00:34:08,674 Okay, so, the answer is "nothing." 668 00:34:08,774 --> 00:34:10,941 Look, what you need to do, and quickly, 669 00:34:11,042 --> 00:34:14,575 Is think about what it means to be a jew. 670 00:34:14,676 --> 00:34:18,874 And then...We'll think about letting you in. 671 00:34:21,144 --> 00:34:23,508 By the way, when you thought I was your dad, 672 00:34:23,609 --> 00:34:24,909 Like a shriveled old man, 673 00:34:25,010 --> 00:34:27,042 Was it because of the hairless thing, 674 00:34:27,144 --> 00:34:29,075 Because that is genetic, okay? 675 00:34:29,176 --> 00:34:31,209 Right. 676 00:34:31,309 --> 00:34:33,609 [ monitor beeping ] 677 00:34:41,911 --> 00:34:43,842 [ door opens ] 678 00:34:45,944 --> 00:34:49,609 Dodi, you've come back from the dead. 679 00:34:49,711 --> 00:34:51,577 Can I come in, please? 680 00:35:06,377 --> 00:35:08,110 [ tea kettle whistling ] 681 00:35:14,745 --> 00:35:17,744 [ whistling stops ] 682 00:35:25,645 --> 00:35:27,978 [ "la bamba" plays ] 683 00:35:31,978 --> 00:35:33,111 [ music stops ] 684 00:35:33,211 --> 00:35:36,076 [ music resumes ] 685 00:35:36,178 --> 00:35:39,045 [ music stops ] 686 00:35:39,145 --> 00:35:40,078 Two sugars. 687 00:35:40,179 --> 00:35:42,110 Thank you. [ clears throat ] 688 00:35:42,212 --> 00:35:46,311 Look... I don't know your name. 689 00:35:46,412 --> 00:35:48,512 Leonard -- leonard goldberg. 690 00:35:48,613 --> 00:35:51,445 "lenny" to my very few friends. Chaser? 691 00:35:51,546 --> 00:35:52,679 No, I don't drink. 692 00:35:52,811 --> 00:35:54,011 Right. Of course. 693 00:35:54,113 --> 00:35:56,844 Me, I've recently developed a taste for it. 694 00:35:56,946 --> 00:36:01,078 Mm. So, uh...Jews. 695 00:36:04,180 --> 00:36:05,646 Yeah? 696 00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:08,946 Tell me about them. 697 00:36:09,047 --> 00:36:11,879 [ laughs ] okay. 698 00:36:11,979 --> 00:36:16,346 Uh, well, let's see. Where shall we start? 699 00:36:16,447 --> 00:36:17,845 I know. 700 00:36:17,980 --> 00:36:22,313 Let's start with me, the archetype, the american jew, 701 00:36:22,414 --> 00:36:24,545 As american as knish and "seinfeld" 702 00:36:24,647 --> 00:36:26,746 And slavish support for israel. 703 00:36:26,847 --> 00:36:29,113 You know, like my fellow countrymen, 704 00:36:29,213 --> 00:36:31,712 I didn't think there were any other jews 705 00:36:31,813 --> 00:36:35,079 In the whole fucking world, especially not britain -- 706 00:36:35,180 --> 00:36:37,180 Britain, land of hope and pork. 707 00:36:37,281 --> 00:36:39,979 A jew in britain -- I mean, that's just weird. 708 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:43,146 That's like an american driving a hackney carriage, 709 00:36:43,247 --> 00:36:45,413 [ british accent ] or a yank with the knowledge. 710 00:36:45,513 --> 00:36:47,980 What's the bloody world coming to? 711 00:36:48,049 --> 00:36:49,746 [ normal voice ] but no. 712 00:36:49,815 --> 00:36:51,147 In london alone, you've got 713 00:36:51,248 --> 00:36:53,580 Your hampstead liberal intellectual jew. 714 00:36:53,681 --> 00:36:56,347 You've got your peter secular accountant jew. 715 00:36:56,415 --> 00:36:59,114 You've got your hendon orthodox lawyer jew, 716 00:36:59,216 --> 00:37:03,147 And scum of kosher scum, your essex jews, 717 00:37:03,216 --> 00:37:06,515 Of which heritage my recently ex-wife, 718 00:37:06,616 --> 00:37:09,248 Who, by the way, in case you were wondering, is the reason 719 00:37:09,349 --> 00:37:11,682 Why I came to this fucking country in the first place 720 00:37:11,782 --> 00:37:16,281 And why I know so much about its...Jews. 721 00:37:16,382 --> 00:37:18,415 Knish? 722 00:37:18,682 --> 00:37:20,481 A doughy, kosher, deep-fried dumpling. 723 00:37:20,582 --> 00:37:22,682 And then you've got your israeli jews -- 724 00:37:22,782 --> 00:37:24,915 You know, jews without angst, without guilt, 725 00:37:25,016 --> 00:37:26,515 Who really are not jews at all, 726 00:37:26,616 --> 00:37:28,848 [ laughing ] and then, of course, your jews for jesus. 727 00:37:28,949 --> 00:37:31,348 What in the fuck is that all about? [ telephone rings ] 728 00:37:31,448 --> 00:37:33,216 Hello? 729 00:37:33,317 --> 00:37:34,614 Yeah, yeah, adam. 730 00:37:34,716 --> 00:37:37,749 No, no, no, I'm gonna -- I'm gonna -- I'm gonna pick -- 731 00:37:37,850 --> 00:37:39,715 Wh-wh-what? Why? 732 00:37:39,816 --> 00:37:42,049 Oh, christ, why? 733 00:37:42,149 --> 00:37:44,749 Adam, you -- you -- you know what? 734 00:37:44,850 --> 00:37:47,115 Fuck off, you little shit. 735 00:37:50,783 --> 00:37:52,583 Right. Well, I-I guess I've got to get -- 736 00:37:52,684 --> 00:37:56,183 That was my -- my useless, flaky son. 737 00:37:56,283 --> 00:38:00,183 Supposed to go to a bar mitzvah with him on Saturday. 738 00:38:00,284 --> 00:38:02,849 Now -- now I got nobody to go with. 739 00:38:02,950 --> 00:38:06,782 It's just I hate going to those things alone, you know, 740 00:38:06,884 --> 00:38:10,316 All those jews jewing it up in public, you know? 741 00:38:10,418 --> 00:38:12,417 [ clears throat ] 742 00:38:14,851 --> 00:38:16,883 What, you? You? 743 00:38:16,985 --> 00:38:18,150 Mm-hmm. 744 00:38:18,252 --> 00:38:20,416 [ laughs ] go -- go to a bar mitzvah with you, 745 00:38:20,518 --> 00:38:24,316 Osama bin liner, ali bongo, captain muslim? 746 00:38:24,417 --> 00:38:26,318 No, no, no. Come on. I can -- I can blend in. 747 00:38:26,450 --> 00:38:27,884 You know? 748 00:38:30,352 --> 00:38:32,483 You call that a shrug? It's a shrug. 749 00:38:32,585 --> 00:38:33,750 That's not a shrug. 750 00:38:33,852 --> 00:38:35,285 That's blending in. 751 00:38:35,385 --> 00:38:37,918 Look, you want to be a jew? 752 00:38:38,018 --> 00:38:42,451 Palms up, shoulders, then the sad doggy eyes. 753 00:38:42,685 --> 00:38:44,517 [ moaning ] 754 00:38:44,618 --> 00:38:47,618 [ folk music plays ] 755 00:38:58,752 --> 00:39:00,018 � hey � 756 00:39:17,188 --> 00:39:18,786 � hey � 757 00:39:24,254 --> 00:39:25,453 � hey � 758 00:39:37,554 --> 00:39:38,987 Oy. 759 00:39:40,887 --> 00:39:43,486 Oy. 760 00:39:43,555 --> 00:39:45,087 Hmm? 761 00:39:45,188 --> 00:39:47,020 Oy. 762 00:40:32,323 --> 00:40:34,287 Oy. Oy. 763 00:40:34,388 --> 00:40:36,056 Oy. Oy. 764 00:40:36,157 --> 00:40:37,589 Oy. Oy. 765 00:40:37,689 --> 00:40:39,221 Oy. 766 00:40:50,557 --> 00:40:53,756 [ classical music pl ays ] 767 00:40:58,590 --> 00:41:00,921 Doesn't it just make you want to put 768 00:41:01,024 --> 00:41:03,256 All your possessions in a wooden cart 769 00:41:03,356 --> 00:41:05,556 And pull them sadly and slowly away 770 00:41:05,656 --> 00:41:07,257 From your burning village? 771 00:41:13,225 --> 00:41:15,389 [ folk music plays ] 772 00:41:26,424 --> 00:41:28,291 � hey � 773 00:41:40,059 --> 00:41:41,858 Oy! 774 00:41:43,859 --> 00:41:45,058 Oy. 775 00:41:45,158 --> 00:41:46,625 That's it. 776 00:41:49,726 --> 00:41:51,792 Yes! 777 00:41:51,893 --> 00:41:56,257 Fucking get in there! Come on! 778 00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:59,426 Great. Now let's move on to "vey." 779 00:42:10,894 --> 00:42:12,424 Saamiya: Mahmud? 780 00:42:12,526 --> 00:42:14,592 [ door opens ] 781 00:42:14,694 --> 00:42:16,158 I need to call rashid. He's -- 782 00:42:16,260 --> 00:42:17,558 Hey, how you doing? 783 00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:19,226 Ah, you look smart. 784 00:42:19,326 --> 00:42:21,593 Thanks. I'm going out later. 785 00:42:21,693 --> 00:42:23,025 Okay. 786 00:42:23,126 --> 00:42:26,459 Yeah, it's a work to-do. It's, uh, sharif's 60th. 787 00:42:26,561 --> 00:42:27,960 Nice. 788 00:42:28,061 --> 00:42:29,492 Hey, you look -- 789 00:42:29,593 --> 00:42:32,093 What? Fatter? Bigger? 790 00:42:32,193 --> 00:42:34,225 More rounded? Fat? Fat? 791 00:42:34,327 --> 00:42:36,293 No, you look great. I was gonna say you look great. 792 00:42:36,394 --> 00:42:37,959 [ laughs ] 793 00:42:38,060 --> 00:42:40,793 Anyway, I came to tell you that rashid's going on this rally 794 00:42:40,894 --> 00:42:42,360 That al-masri's speaking at. 795 00:42:42,460 --> 00:42:43,626 Oh, shit. 796 00:42:43,727 --> 00:42:45,394 I promised him I'd go. I've got to -- 797 00:42:45,461 --> 00:42:49,760 Mahmud, we haven't even talked about how this -- 798 00:42:49,861 --> 00:42:52,160 This...Terrifying shithead 799 00:42:52,194 --> 00:42:54,160 Is gonna become part of our family. 800 00:42:54,262 --> 00:42:55,626 Ah. [ scoffs ] 801 00:42:55,727 --> 00:42:58,694 Saamiya, look -- he comes around, okay? 802 00:42:58,795 --> 00:43:01,027 We meet him, he gives his blessing, 803 00:43:01,129 --> 00:43:03,893 And just we sort it out for rashid and uzma. 804 00:43:03,995 --> 00:43:05,127 That's it. 805 00:43:05,228 --> 00:43:07,628 And besides, this arshad guy -- come on. 806 00:43:07,729 --> 00:43:09,494 How meshugga can he be? 807 00:43:09,528 --> 00:43:11,694 Sorry? 808 00:43:11,830 --> 00:43:13,861 How many, you know, 809 00:43:13,962 --> 00:43:18,261 Sugars short of a very sweet cup of tea...Can he be? 810 00:43:18,396 --> 00:43:19,494 You know, mahmud, 811 00:43:19,595 --> 00:43:22,095 I never thought I would end up with a guy 812 00:43:22,195 --> 00:43:23,662 Who thinks he looks good 813 00:43:23,762 --> 00:43:26,628 In a tottenham hotspur shirt and a pair of chadees, 814 00:43:26,696 --> 00:43:29,661 Who teaches our 4-year-old daughter extremist language, 815 00:43:29,763 --> 00:43:34,128 And rather than get up from the tv, urinates in a cup. 816 00:43:34,229 --> 00:43:35,395 That only happened the once. 817 00:43:35,496 --> 00:43:37,396 Mm -- my "world's best mum" cup 818 00:43:37,496 --> 00:43:39,461 That rashid gave me when he was 10. 819 00:43:39,630 --> 00:43:41,494 I forgot to clean it. 820 00:43:41,596 --> 00:43:42,962 But none of that matters, 821 00:43:43,063 --> 00:43:44,996 Because the only thing that matters 822 00:43:45,097 --> 00:43:47,361 Between a husband and a wife is honesty. 823 00:43:47,462 --> 00:43:50,062 And you've always promised to be honest to me. 824 00:43:50,163 --> 00:43:54,063 And I've always believed that promise. 825 00:43:54,164 --> 00:43:55,996 Should I? 826 00:43:58,564 --> 00:44:01,062 Of course. 827 00:44:01,163 --> 00:44:02,896 Of course. [ electronic pop music plays ] 828 00:44:11,231 --> 00:44:14,963 � I saw you walking with your new love � 829 00:44:17,965 --> 00:44:21,498 � your mind as black as a loaded gun � 830 00:44:24,532 --> 00:44:28,197 � so was it the truth when you said it was true love? � 831 00:44:30,832 --> 00:44:34,531 � I thought that I was the chosen one � 832 00:44:37,732 --> 00:44:40,598 [ singing indistinctly ] 833 00:44:49,898 --> 00:44:51,532 Hey. Dad, you made it. 834 00:44:51,633 --> 00:44:53,532 Yeah, I wouldn't miss this. 835 00:44:53,632 --> 00:44:55,431 What time is al-masri on? 836 00:44:55,531 --> 00:44:57,498 Well, there's a rumor going around 837 00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:00,731 That he's been banned by the organizers at the last minute, 838 00:45:00,834 --> 00:45:03,266 Which some people aren't too happy about. 839 00:45:03,366 --> 00:45:05,463 [ scoffs ] well, I can see that. 840 00:45:05,565 --> 00:45:07,465 It's hot, though, isn't it? 841 00:45:07,567 --> 00:45:10,064 Yeah. 842 00:45:10,166 --> 00:45:11,232 Whew. 843 00:45:16,900 --> 00:45:20,397 Dad, what is that on your head? 844 00:45:31,766 --> 00:45:34,465 I've brought this for one reason 845 00:45:34,567 --> 00:45:37,099 And one reason alone! 846 00:45:39,501 --> 00:45:41,132 [ crowd chanting "burn it" ] 847 00:45:41,235 --> 00:45:42,900 [ shouting indistinctly ] 848 00:45:46,435 --> 00:45:49,268 Ow! Ow! 849 00:46:03,134 --> 00:46:06,866 Lenny: Okay, last run-through of things not to mention -- 850 00:46:06,968 --> 00:46:09,335 Hitler, "protocols of the elders of zion," 851 00:46:09,435 --> 00:46:11,934 Hitler, the fact that you're actually a muslim. 852 00:46:12,002 --> 00:46:13,601 Oh, well, hey, well, what about prayers? 853 00:46:13,701 --> 00:46:16,101 There may be one or two, but when in doubt, just do this. 854 00:46:16,202 --> 00:46:18,201 [ mumbling ] 855 00:46:18,302 --> 00:46:20,102 That's it? Yeah. 856 00:46:20,202 --> 00:46:21,967 Okay. 857 00:46:22,069 --> 00:46:23,501 Have you memorized some yiddish? 858 00:46:23,636 --> 00:46:25,069 Yeah, but just a few. 859 00:46:25,169 --> 00:46:27,601 Just sprinkle in a few words during the conversation -- 860 00:46:27,702 --> 00:46:30,868 You know, "schlep," "kvetch," "traipse." 861 00:46:30,969 --> 00:46:33,901 "traipse"? That's an english word, isn't it? 862 00:46:34,002 --> 00:46:35,801 It is? It sounds yiddish. 863 00:46:37,069 --> 00:46:40,302 Ah, hello! 864 00:46:40,404 --> 00:46:42,669 It's so nice to meet you. How are you? 865 00:46:42,769 --> 00:46:44,235 Monty. Monty, how are you? 866 00:46:44,336 --> 00:46:46,036 Man: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the lister boys, 867 00:46:46,136 --> 00:46:49,769 Sammy and louie. 868 00:46:49,869 --> 00:46:52,602 [ cheers and applause ] 869 00:46:59,636 --> 00:47:01,369 Mazel tov! 870 00:47:01,470 --> 00:47:03,036 [ applause ] 871 00:47:03,203 --> 00:47:05,302 Okay, what kind of jew is that? 872 00:47:05,371 --> 00:47:06,869 A smelly one? 873 00:47:06,971 --> 00:47:09,136 Hippy jew. Bohemian parents. 874 00:47:09,237 --> 00:47:10,136 Now a buddhist. 875 00:47:10,236 --> 00:47:12,002 A buddhist jew? How does that work? 876 00:47:12,104 --> 00:47:14,536 Believes you should renounce all material possessions 877 00:47:14,637 --> 00:47:15,769 But still keep the receipts. 878 00:47:15,871 --> 00:47:18,303 Oof! Look at that. 879 00:47:18,404 --> 00:47:21,937 I'd like to offer her some serious kosher sausage. 880 00:47:22,037 --> 00:47:23,803 What kind of jew is that? 881 00:47:23,904 --> 00:47:26,703 That is my ex-wife. 882 00:47:26,805 --> 00:47:29,003 I'm sorry. 883 00:47:29,104 --> 00:47:32,804 With her wanking boyfriend, maurice gross. 884 00:47:32,906 --> 00:47:34,005 Maurice gross? 885 00:47:34,105 --> 00:47:36,503 Psychic investigator from high barnet. 886 00:47:36,604 --> 00:47:38,537 Julie. Oh. 887 00:47:38,705 --> 00:47:41,470 Denise. Oh, lenny. 888 00:47:41,572 --> 00:47:44,870 I'm so sorry to hear about you and diane. 889 00:47:44,972 --> 00:47:47,437 Yeah. And now she's with maurice gross. 890 00:47:47,504 --> 00:47:49,504 [ laughs ] who'd have guessed? 891 00:47:49,606 --> 00:47:52,038 I suppose he would. 892 00:47:52,171 --> 00:47:56,105 Well, being a psychic investigator. 893 00:47:56,205 --> 00:47:57,836 It's a wisecrack. 894 00:47:57,939 --> 00:47:59,604 Oh. 895 00:47:59,706 --> 00:48:01,571 I thought you people -- we're well known 896 00:48:01,673 --> 00:48:03,305 For wisecracking, us people. 897 00:48:03,406 --> 00:48:06,772 Ladies, this is my cousin solomon -- 898 00:48:06,872 --> 00:48:08,939 Solomon shimshileewitz. 899 00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:10,139 Please, just call me "solly." 900 00:48:10,239 --> 00:48:12,204 How do you do? How do you do? 901 00:48:12,305 --> 00:48:13,271 Hello. 902 00:48:13,373 --> 00:48:15,972 Lovely event, don't you think, solly? 903 00:48:16,073 --> 00:48:20,206 Yes, it's very, uh...Very geschmack. 904 00:48:20,307 --> 00:48:24,940 I-I-it, uh -- actually, it's very traipse, I'd say. 905 00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:29,740 It's very jewish. 906 00:48:29,841 --> 00:48:33,538 Mm, you're right. It is very jewish. 907 00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:37,272 Oh, now, solly, I'm sure that lenny must have told you 908 00:48:37,474 --> 00:48:39,607 That denise and I are now co-chair... Co-chair. 909 00:48:39,807 --> 00:48:42,006 ...Of the north london ladies eretz yisrael guild. 910 00:48:42,173 --> 00:48:43,605 Eretz? Yisrael. 911 00:48:43,707 --> 00:48:45,008 I know it. 912 00:48:45,041 --> 00:48:46,240 So, we were wondering -- 913 00:48:46,342 --> 00:48:49,007 So, we wondered if you might sign our latest petition. 914 00:48:49,107 --> 00:48:50,039 I'd be delighted. 915 00:48:50,142 --> 00:48:51,607 "we, the undersigned, 916 00:48:51,709 --> 00:48:54,374 Believe that the state of israel --" 917 00:48:54,540 --> 00:48:57,707 "israel is unfairly demonized by bbc, itv, channel 4, 918 00:48:57,807 --> 00:49:00,673 And all other forms of the u.K. News media --" 919 00:49:00,775 --> 00:49:02,907 "despite being a shining --" 920 00:49:03,007 --> 00:49:05,207 "a shining example of democracy and fairness, 921 00:49:05,308 --> 00:49:07,707 Which simply wants to live in --" "in peace." 922 00:49:07,775 --> 00:49:10,274 "in peace with its neighbors." 923 00:49:11,908 --> 00:49:13,307 Oh, thanks, lenny. 924 00:49:14,808 --> 00:49:16,475 If you wouldn't mind. 925 00:49:16,576 --> 00:49:18,174 [ laughs ] 926 00:49:19,942 --> 00:49:22,276 J-j-just here, is it? Just there, please. 927 00:49:22,375 --> 00:49:24,308 Thank you. 928 00:49:25,775 --> 00:49:26,809 I have a twitch! 929 00:49:26,909 --> 00:49:28,207 Aah! Ow, ow! That -- 930 00:49:28,276 --> 00:49:29,175 That really hurt! 931 00:49:29,275 --> 00:49:30,641 Are you all right? 932 00:49:30,743 --> 00:49:33,474 Man: Ladies and gentlemen, before we eat, 933 00:49:33,575 --> 00:49:35,774 Rabbi finestein will say grace. 934 00:49:35,876 --> 00:49:40,741 [ singing in hebrew ] 935 00:49:57,609 --> 00:49:59,377 [ mumbling ] 936 00:49:59,476 --> 00:50:02,010 [ clears throat ] 937 00:50:03,977 --> 00:50:05,676 [ rapping in hebrew ] 938 00:50:37,010 --> 00:50:39,645 [ indistinct conversation ] 939 00:50:40,978 --> 00:50:42,310 Be happy to do it. 940 00:50:42,411 --> 00:50:43,711 Sorry to interrupt. Yeah. 941 00:50:43,812 --> 00:50:45,744 I think we should go. This is just too jewish for me. 942 00:50:45,845 --> 00:50:48,610 Ladies and gentlemen -- 943 00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:51,411 [ chuckles ] that's nice. 944 00:50:51,512 --> 00:50:55,311 Today our blessed bar mitzvah twins, 945 00:50:55,413 --> 00:50:58,445 Sammy and louie, become men. 946 00:50:58,512 --> 00:50:59,711 [ applause ] 947 00:51:01,847 --> 00:51:04,910 Yeah, yeah, it's -- it's good to be a jewish man now. 948 00:51:05,013 --> 00:51:07,179 Please don't come crying to me in 30 years' time 949 00:51:07,279 --> 00:51:09,112 When your prostate blows up like an air bag 950 00:51:09,212 --> 00:51:10,277 And your wife runs off 951 00:51:10,378 --> 00:51:12,411 With a psychic investigator from high barnet. 952 00:51:12,512 --> 00:51:14,845 [ audience murmurs ] 953 00:51:16,279 --> 00:51:17,113 What? 954 00:51:17,247 --> 00:51:19,078 Speech. Sorry, monty. 955 00:51:19,179 --> 00:51:23,113 Anyway, boys, seeing as your father here 956 00:51:23,213 --> 00:51:25,745 Is to public speaking as... 957 00:51:25,846 --> 00:51:28,046 Stephen hawking is to windsurfing, 958 00:51:28,146 --> 00:51:32,246 He has asked schmuggins here to take on the bar mitzvah task 959 00:51:32,348 --> 00:51:35,245 Of telling a classic jewish funny story. 960 00:51:35,348 --> 00:51:36,914 Sadly, though, I've become 961 00:51:37,014 --> 00:51:40,912 A bit tired and emotional this evening. 962 00:51:41,013 --> 00:51:42,913 So, I -- and also very drunk. 963 00:51:43,014 --> 00:51:45,779 So I've decided to pass the baton, 964 00:51:45,880 --> 00:51:49,447 To -- to -- to give the task to my good friend 965 00:51:49,548 --> 00:51:52,113 And classic jewish storyteller. 966 00:51:52,214 --> 00:51:57,580 Ladies and gentlemen, solly shimshileewitz. 967 00:51:57,681 --> 00:51:59,280 [ applause ] 968 00:52:07,015 --> 00:52:10,414 Uh...Hello. 969 00:52:10,515 --> 00:52:13,314 Dear lord. 970 00:52:15,348 --> 00:52:17,247 How about the story about rabbi akiba 971 00:52:17,348 --> 00:52:20,881 And fischel, the -- the village idiot? 972 00:52:20,982 --> 00:52:24,048 Yeah. How about that? That's a good idea. 973 00:52:24,149 --> 00:52:27,048 That's, uh... 974 00:52:27,149 --> 00:52:28,714 So... [ clears throat ] 975 00:52:28,815 --> 00:52:32,048 ...There was a tale of, uh, rabbi... 976 00:52:32,149 --> 00:52:33,215 Akiba. 977 00:52:33,315 --> 00:52:38,215 ...Akiba, who lived in...Hotep. 978 00:52:38,316 --> 00:52:43,081 And he always observed his fedeyezyez flahot. 979 00:52:45,349 --> 00:52:46,581 Uh... 980 00:52:46,682 --> 00:52:50,748 Then, in the syn-- no, no, I know this one. 981 00:52:50,849 --> 00:52:52,582 The -- the -- the shul. Shul. 982 00:52:52,682 --> 00:52:53,982 That's it, the shul. 983 00:52:54,082 --> 00:52:55,783 Shul. The shul. 984 00:52:55,883 --> 00:52:59,316 In the shul came fischel, the village idiot. 985 00:52:59,416 --> 00:53:01,449 Well, what an idiot he was. 986 00:53:01,550 --> 00:53:04,816 And he went up to the rabbi, and he said, 987 00:53:04,917 --> 00:53:08,116 "rabbi, rabbi! 988 00:53:08,218 --> 00:53:11,550 My foreskin has grown back." 989 00:53:14,217 --> 00:53:15,617 Um, he did. He said that. 990 00:53:15,717 --> 00:53:16,883 No, he didn't. 991 00:53:16,984 --> 00:53:20,849 He did, and the rabbi looked at him and said, "you what?" 992 00:53:20,951 --> 00:53:23,017 And fischel said, "it's true. 993 00:53:23,184 --> 00:53:25,417 What do I do?" about his foreskin. 994 00:53:25,517 --> 00:53:26,985 And... It was that point -- 995 00:53:27,085 --> 00:53:29,017 Can you help me with this one, please? 996 00:53:29,118 --> 00:53:31,084 Yes, yes. Finish it off. 997 00:53:31,184 --> 00:53:32,917 Rabbi akiba says, 998 00:53:33,019 --> 00:53:35,583 "moses said that when -- when -- 999 00:53:35,685 --> 00:53:37,784 "when the light of the world is shining, 1000 00:53:37,819 --> 00:53:39,717 We must turn our faces to the sky." 1001 00:53:39,818 --> 00:53:40,950 That's it, yeah. 1002 00:53:41,052 --> 00:53:44,018 "and as joshua said when the light of the world is dim, 1003 00:53:44,118 --> 00:53:46,317 We must turn our faces to the ground." 1004 00:53:46,418 --> 00:53:47,318 To the ground. 1005 00:53:47,453 --> 00:53:50,350 "but I say --" rabbi akiba says... 1006 00:53:50,419 --> 00:53:51,483 Yeah, what did he say? 1007 00:53:51,584 --> 00:53:54,051 Well, rabbi akiba says... 1008 00:53:57,553 --> 00:54:01,884 Uh, rabbi akiba looked at fischel. 1009 00:54:01,986 --> 00:54:03,485 And he says... 1010 00:54:09,153 --> 00:54:11,151 [ speaking yiddish ] 1011 00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:30,085 [ laughing ] 1012 00:54:30,187 --> 00:54:31,719 [ laughter ] 1013 00:54:38,319 --> 00:54:39,219 What was that? 1014 00:54:39,320 --> 00:54:41,019 Don't ask me. 1015 00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:44,020 [ up-tempo music plays ] 1016 00:54:46,688 --> 00:54:48,586 [ man singing in hebrew ] 1017 00:55:22,589 --> 00:55:24,454 [ brakes squeal ] 1018 00:55:24,554 --> 00:55:25,755 Jesus. 1019 00:55:25,855 --> 00:55:26,921 See? 1020 00:55:27,022 --> 00:55:30,521 Soon as I'm in a cab... Sober as a church. 1021 00:55:30,621 --> 00:55:33,621 That was good tonight. Didn't expect it. 1022 00:55:33,722 --> 00:55:35,454 Thanks, lenny. 1023 00:55:35,555 --> 00:55:37,022 Hey, mahmud. 1024 00:55:37,056 --> 00:55:40,821 This jew thing -- what -- what's so important? 1025 00:55:40,923 --> 00:55:43,488 Izzy shimshileewitz. 1026 00:55:43,588 --> 00:55:44,855 What, he's still alive? 1027 00:55:44,923 --> 00:55:46,722 Yeah, well, I think so. I don't know. 1028 00:55:46,822 --> 00:55:49,622 I-I can't be sure. They won't let me see him. 1029 00:55:49,723 --> 00:55:50,855 What do you mean? Who? They who? 1030 00:55:50,956 --> 00:55:52,488 The rabbi. The rabbi at the care home. 1031 00:55:52,590 --> 00:55:56,255 He said I've got to get a bit more jewy. 1032 00:55:56,356 --> 00:55:57,556 Did he? 1033 00:55:57,658 --> 00:55:58,790 Yeah. 1034 00:55:58,890 --> 00:56:00,756 When are you gonna see him next? 1035 00:56:00,857 --> 00:56:03,024 Soon as possible. Tomorrow. 1036 00:56:03,058 --> 00:56:04,856 You know what? I'm gonna take you. I'm gonna go with you. 1037 00:56:04,890 --> 00:56:06,488 Yeah? 1038 00:56:06,590 --> 00:56:08,423 Yeah, I'm not gonna let your big family emotional moment 1039 00:56:08,524 --> 00:56:10,956 Get held back by some asshole fruma. 1040 00:56:11,057 --> 00:56:12,222 I think -- you know, that's good. 1041 00:56:12,322 --> 00:56:13,290 That's really good if you come. 1042 00:56:13,390 --> 00:56:14,323 I'm gonna go. 1043 00:56:14,424 --> 00:56:16,256 But you will be tactful, though, will you? 1044 00:56:16,357 --> 00:56:17,589 Yeah. 1045 00:56:17,690 --> 00:56:19,924 Because, you know, this is a big thing for me. 1046 00:56:20,025 --> 00:56:21,889 My dad -- you know, my adopted one -- 1047 00:56:21,990 --> 00:56:25,391 When he died... It really cut me up. 1048 00:56:25,491 --> 00:56:29,223 You know, and now I've got this other dad here, 1049 00:56:29,324 --> 00:56:30,357 And it's just too much. 1050 00:56:30,457 --> 00:56:32,490 Look, finding out you're jewish doesn't mean 1051 00:56:32,590 --> 00:56:35,291 That suddenly every moment's a therapeutic opportunity. 1052 00:56:40,524 --> 00:56:43,589 Salaam alaykum, mahmud. 1053 00:56:43,724 --> 00:56:47,890 Alaykum a salaam, lenny. 1054 00:56:55,526 --> 00:56:56,924 Hey. 1055 00:56:57,025 --> 00:56:58,924 Hey. Good night, rash. 1056 00:56:59,025 --> 00:56:59,923 Good night. 1057 00:57:00,026 --> 00:57:01,258 Uh, dad... 1058 00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:02,791 That was a bit weird today, 1059 00:57:02,892 --> 00:57:04,491 Wasn't it, with the rally? 1060 00:57:04,592 --> 00:57:06,992 Weird, yeah. Yeah, it was. 1061 00:57:07,093 --> 00:57:09,691 I was just -- I was just trying, you know, 1062 00:57:09,793 --> 00:57:12,758 To show support for them, the big stepfather guy. 1063 00:57:12,859 --> 00:57:15,524 Yeah, but I think, when he comes to see us, 1064 00:57:15,626 --> 00:57:18,391 You could, uh... Turn it down a touch, maybe. 1065 00:57:18,493 --> 00:57:20,059 Just a touch. 1066 00:57:20,159 --> 00:57:22,026 [ laughter ] 1067 00:57:22,127 --> 00:57:25,358 Okay. All right. Relax. 1068 00:57:25,459 --> 00:57:26,526 Good night. 1069 00:57:26,627 --> 00:57:27,625 Good night. 1070 00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:40,226 Saamiya: I spoke to sharif tonight. 1071 00:57:40,327 --> 00:57:43,160 He isn't 60 until June. 1072 00:57:45,094 --> 00:57:47,460 Saamiya. 1073 00:57:47,561 --> 00:57:51,626 Do you remember when we got married? 1074 00:57:51,726 --> 00:57:56,159 And you promised to love me and honor me 1075 00:57:56,261 --> 00:58:00,327 With faith and obedience and gentleness? 1076 00:58:00,427 --> 00:58:02,660 Yes, of course. 1077 00:58:02,761 --> 00:58:04,227 Who is it?! Huh?! Ow! 1078 00:58:04,328 --> 00:58:05,660 That hurts! Is it someone from work?! 1079 00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:07,828 Work? What are you talking about? They're all men. 1080 00:58:07,929 --> 00:58:10,726 That pram-faced tart from tesco's. 1081 00:58:10,762 --> 00:58:12,893 Blimey, you noticed that? 1082 00:58:12,994 --> 00:58:15,160 But I-I was just looking. Hmm. 1083 00:58:15,262 --> 00:58:16,393 Anyway, you know, 1084 00:58:16,494 --> 00:58:17,960 By the qur'an, I could have four wives anyway. 1085 00:58:18,061 --> 00:58:19,627 Oh, that's why you've been running to the mosque 1086 00:58:19,729 --> 00:58:20,961 All of this time, is it, huh?! 1087 00:58:21,062 --> 00:58:22,226 Ow! Stop it! 1088 00:58:22,327 --> 00:58:23,827 You know, I knew I should have never married a shia. 1089 00:58:23,929 --> 00:58:25,929 That hurts. Stop. Will you stop? 1090 00:58:25,996 --> 00:58:27,861 Will you calm down? Calm down? 1091 00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:30,961 I want to tell you something. 1092 00:58:31,063 --> 00:58:32,794 Oh. No, it's not -- 1093 00:58:32,895 --> 00:58:33,929 What? 1094 00:58:34,030 --> 00:58:35,628 You're not -- 1095 00:58:35,729 --> 00:58:38,695 Mahmud, I spoke to the imam because I was worried about you, 1096 00:58:38,795 --> 00:58:41,562 And he told me that you told him this thing about yourself, 1097 00:58:41,663 --> 00:58:43,527 And I just laughed because you can't be, can you? 1098 00:58:43,629 --> 00:58:45,695 Hey. Oh, no. 1099 00:58:45,797 --> 00:58:48,595 I've seen this on the internet -- men like you. 1100 00:58:48,696 --> 00:58:51,296 They're called bears -- big, fat, hairy men. 1101 00:58:51,397 --> 00:58:52,962 No, no, no, I'm not gay, all right? 1102 00:58:53,063 --> 00:58:54,028 I'm not gay. 1103 00:58:54,130 --> 00:58:56,029 I've got the wrong end of the stick. 1104 00:58:56,130 --> 00:58:59,328 Listen to me. The truth is... 1105 00:59:02,030 --> 00:59:03,429 The truth is... 1106 00:59:03,530 --> 00:59:04,629 Mm? 1107 00:59:06,497 --> 00:59:09,095 ...I'm... 1108 00:59:09,130 --> 00:59:11,297 Frightened... 1109 00:59:11,397 --> 00:59:13,496 Frightened? 1110 00:59:13,596 --> 00:59:16,663 ...Of meeting arshad al-masri. 1111 00:59:16,763 --> 00:59:19,462 At least, I was frightened... 1112 00:59:19,563 --> 00:59:22,730 Till I started going to these religious education classes. 1113 00:59:22,830 --> 00:59:24,664 Really? 1114 00:59:24,764 --> 00:59:26,997 Yeah, yeah, night classes at the, uh, mosque. 1115 00:59:27,098 --> 00:59:28,996 Yeah. 1116 00:59:29,099 --> 00:59:31,398 [ chuckles ] 1117 00:59:31,497 --> 00:59:34,130 [ mumbling ] 1118 00:59:34,231 --> 00:59:37,431 Mahmud, that's so sweet! 1119 00:59:37,531 --> 00:59:39,597 You're not ashamed of me, then? 1120 00:59:39,698 --> 00:59:43,596 Ashamed? I'm proud of you. 1121 00:59:43,698 --> 00:59:45,931 Wow. Hey. 1122 00:59:46,031 --> 00:59:52,098 Come here...And show me how ungay you really are, 1123 00:59:52,199 --> 00:59:57,764 You big, heterosexual bear! 1124 00:59:57,865 --> 00:59:59,864 [ sighs ] 1125 01:00:07,565 --> 01:00:10,465 [ door opens ] 1126 01:00:10,565 --> 01:00:12,298 Ah. Hello. 1127 01:00:12,433 --> 01:00:13,698 How is he? 1128 01:00:13,833 --> 01:00:15,799 Stable, but no better. 1129 01:00:15,899 --> 01:00:17,964 That's why I'm here 24/7 at the moment. 1130 01:00:18,066 --> 01:00:19,799 [ scoffs ] 1131 01:00:19,899 --> 01:00:21,666 Sorry. Just thought you said 24/7. 1132 01:00:21,766 --> 01:00:23,766 That's kind of weird for a rabbi to say. 1133 01:00:23,867 --> 01:00:26,431 Rabbi, so, this is my friend leonard goldberg. 1134 01:00:26,533 --> 01:00:28,598 He's been helping, so, yeah. 1135 01:00:28,700 --> 01:00:31,666 I seem to remember us setting a little test. 1136 01:00:31,767 --> 01:00:33,666 Yeah, he did. Lenny's been helping me out with it. 1137 01:00:33,766 --> 01:00:35,832 Has he? Yeah. 1138 01:00:35,933 --> 01:00:37,733 Been doing my teacher thing, you know, 1139 01:00:37,833 --> 01:00:43,233 For my yid-muslo, uh, homey. 1140 01:00:43,399 --> 01:00:46,199 Say your shema. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon? 1141 01:00:46,300 --> 01:00:47,934 The shema -- the lord's prayer. 1142 01:00:48,034 --> 01:00:52,201 Oh, don't tell me he hasn't taught -- 1143 01:00:52,301 --> 01:00:55,499 Uh, well, name the five books of moses. 1144 01:00:55,600 --> 01:00:57,567 Yeah, I can do this. [ clears throat ] 1145 01:00:57,668 --> 01:00:58,700 Genesis -- 1146 01:00:58,800 --> 01:01:01,700 Uh, in hebrew. In hebrew? 1147 01:01:03,201 --> 01:01:04,367 Gen-hesis. 1148 01:01:04,468 --> 01:01:06,234 What's hebrew for "phil collins"? 1149 01:01:06,335 --> 01:01:08,399 Ex-hodus. Okay. 1150 01:01:08,501 --> 01:01:09,500 I've had quite enough. 1151 01:01:09,601 --> 01:01:11,101 No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 1152 01:01:11,202 --> 01:01:12,301 No, listen, listen, rabbi. 1153 01:01:12,402 --> 01:01:14,567 My friend has drunk my chicken soup. 1154 01:01:14,668 --> 01:01:17,101 He's danced like a cossack in my living room. 1155 01:01:17,203 --> 01:01:19,366 He told a funny story at a bar mitzvah. 1156 01:01:19,468 --> 01:01:21,500 And by the way, he got a big laugh. 1157 01:01:21,535 --> 01:01:25,534 I'm a jew, and my friend here is jewish enough for me. 1158 01:01:25,634 --> 01:01:29,234 Come back when you've found a better teacher. 1159 01:01:29,334 --> 01:01:30,733 Where am I gonna find one of those, huh -- craigslist? 1160 01:01:30,835 --> 01:01:34,567 Look, rabbi, I haven't even told my wife and family about this. 1161 01:01:34,668 --> 01:01:36,067 Well, perhaps that's where you should start. 1162 01:01:36,169 --> 01:01:37,135 Now, if you don't mind, 1163 01:01:37,236 --> 01:01:38,668 I've got a dying man's soul to care for. 1164 01:01:38,769 --> 01:01:39,867 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1165 01:01:39,968 --> 01:01:41,335 Listen, you sanctimonious rabbinical cue ball. 1166 01:01:41,435 --> 01:01:43,069 [ indistinct shouting ] 1167 01:01:43,136 --> 01:01:44,369 Stop it! 1168 01:01:44,503 --> 01:01:47,335 You're disturbing the residents. You're frightening them. 1169 01:01:48,736 --> 01:01:52,335 Hi. 1170 01:02:01,204 --> 01:02:02,937 "hi"? 1171 01:02:03,037 --> 01:02:04,936 Sorry. 1172 01:02:05,037 --> 01:02:08,269 � I'm a bow-legged chicken, I'm a knock-kneed hen � 1173 01:02:08,370 --> 01:02:10,636 � never been so happy since I don't know when � 1174 01:02:10,736 --> 01:02:11,703 You don't want to listen 1175 01:02:11,871 --> 01:02:15,302 To what that oversized toddler punk rabbi says. 1176 01:02:15,403 --> 01:02:17,703 I mean, I'm a little bit racist towards muslims, 1177 01:02:17,803 --> 01:02:19,104 But this asshole? 1178 01:02:19,204 --> 01:02:21,503 If you have just an ounce of allah left inside you, 1179 01:02:21,604 --> 01:02:23,704 He will never let you anywhere near your dad. 1180 01:02:23,837 --> 01:02:25,770 I -- I should -- I should tell people. 1181 01:02:25,871 --> 01:02:28,103 I -- I should tell everyone I was born a jew. 1182 01:02:28,205 --> 01:02:30,736 That would be a very unjewish thing to do. 1183 01:02:30,804 --> 01:02:34,004 You know, we don't like to call attention to ourselves. 1184 01:02:34,104 --> 01:02:36,371 We're proud, but we're proud quietly. 1185 01:02:38,004 --> 01:02:39,804 And -- and what about israelis? 1186 01:02:39,905 --> 01:02:42,404 No, no, I told you -- they're not really jews. 1187 01:02:42,505 --> 01:02:44,471 Yeah, yeah, they're not exactly quiet 1188 01:02:44,571 --> 01:02:46,305 About themselves, are they, what, 1189 01:02:46,405 --> 01:02:50,804 With all the warmongering and the colonial rampaging and -- 1190 01:02:50,838 --> 01:02:53,637 Oh, oh -- "if you -- if you throw a pebble at us, 1191 01:02:53,738 --> 01:02:57,238 We'll raze your hospitals to the ground" foreign policy. 1192 01:02:57,338 --> 01:02:59,872 Unlike the very quiet way in which your palestinian cousins 1193 01:02:59,973 --> 01:03:02,471 Strap bombs to themselves and blow up school buses? 1194 01:03:02,572 --> 01:03:04,405 Yeah, yeah, you know -- you know full well 1195 01:03:04,572 --> 01:03:06,238 That there are loads more palestinians 1196 01:03:06,405 --> 01:03:08,704 Killed by the israeli army than the other way around. 1197 01:03:08,839 --> 01:03:11,772 [ brakes squealing ] 1198 01:03:11,873 --> 01:03:15,205 What exactly is your problem, fat boy? 1199 01:03:15,373 --> 01:03:19,872 Who are you to tell me about jews? 1200 01:03:19,973 --> 01:03:22,172 No, don't look -- if you'd been a better teacher, 1201 01:03:22,372 --> 01:03:24,672 I would have been at my father's deathbed right now! 1202 01:03:24,773 --> 01:03:26,106 What exactly are you saying then, huh? 1203 01:03:26,207 --> 01:03:27,272 That it's my fault? 1204 01:03:27,374 --> 01:03:28,605 Yes! Ah! 1205 01:03:28,707 --> 01:03:31,272 You self-hating mentalist! 1206 01:03:31,374 --> 01:03:32,239 Get out of my cab. 1207 01:03:32,340 --> 01:03:33,239 You what? 1208 01:03:33,340 --> 01:03:36,105 You heard me! Get out of my cab! 1209 01:03:36,205 --> 01:03:37,907 Americans shouldn't bloody 1210 01:03:38,007 --> 01:03:39,372 Be driving a black cab, anyway! 1211 01:03:39,440 --> 01:03:40,373 Asshole. 1212 01:03:40,473 --> 01:03:42,073 I'm gonna tell my family. I am. 1213 01:03:42,174 --> 01:03:44,472 You know what? I don't give a fuck what you do. 1214 01:03:44,607 --> 01:03:45,506 [ scoffs ] anti-semite. 1215 01:03:45,607 --> 01:03:47,107 Islamophobe. 1216 01:03:51,074 --> 01:03:52,739 Suck my fat one! 1217 01:03:52,841 --> 01:03:54,473 � get ready to start � 1218 01:03:54,574 --> 01:03:57,274 � flap your elbows just for luck � 1219 01:03:57,374 --> 01:04:00,474 � then you wiggle and you waddle like a baby duck � 1220 01:04:00,507 --> 01:04:01,906 � come and dance with me, honey � 1221 01:04:01,974 --> 01:04:03,574 � tap your toes and glide � 1222 01:04:03,675 --> 01:04:06,874 � and we'll always be together side by side � 1223 01:04:06,974 --> 01:04:10,373 � we'll walk with a wiggle and a giggle and a squawk � 1224 01:04:10,474 --> 01:04:13,774 � doing the tennessee wig walk � 1225 01:04:13,875 --> 01:04:16,873 Rashid, saamiya, could you come down, please? 1226 01:04:16,975 --> 01:04:19,808 There's something I've got to tell you. 1227 01:04:24,708 --> 01:04:30,774 Daddy, the funny men have come to see if we're muslim enough. 1228 01:04:30,875 --> 01:04:34,808 Mahmud. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Come and meet our guests. 1229 01:04:34,910 --> 01:04:37,242 This is mr. Al-masri. 1230 01:04:37,408 --> 01:04:39,075 Please call me arshad. 1231 01:04:39,242 --> 01:04:40,609 Yes, yes, yes, uh... 1232 01:04:40,709 --> 01:04:44,908 Salaam alaykum, arshad. Mahmud. 1233 01:04:45,043 --> 01:04:48,442 Alaykum a salaam. Please, my friends. 1234 01:04:48,542 --> 01:04:50,475 Hey. This is tariq. 1235 01:04:50,576 --> 01:04:51,542 Hey. 1236 01:04:51,642 --> 01:04:53,409 And this is hazeem. 1237 01:04:53,509 --> 01:04:55,509 Hey, hey. It's very, uh -- 1238 01:04:55,610 --> 01:04:58,641 Whoa. 1239 01:04:58,742 --> 01:05:00,708 Um, welcome. Welcome, everyone. 1240 01:05:00,810 --> 01:05:04,141 You are very welcome. You are very welcome to my home. 1241 01:05:04,243 --> 01:05:07,875 So, uh...What did you have to tell us, mahmud? 1242 01:05:07,976 --> 01:05:09,142 What? 1243 01:05:09,243 --> 01:05:13,276 You came in saying that you have something to tell us. 1244 01:05:13,377 --> 01:05:18,276 Yeah, I -- I was just gonna tell everyone that I'm, uh -- 1245 01:05:18,378 --> 01:05:22,111 I'm, uh... 1246 01:05:22,277 --> 01:05:24,477 � bow-legged chicken, I'm a knock-kneed hen � 1247 01:05:24,578 --> 01:05:26,510 � never been so happy since I don't know when � 1248 01:05:26,611 --> 01:05:28,310 � walk with a wiggle and a squiggle and a squawk � 1249 01:05:28,411 --> 01:05:29,477 � ba-gawk � 1250 01:05:29,578 --> 01:05:31,745 � doing the tennessee wig walk � 1251 01:05:33,978 --> 01:05:36,310 It was just something in my head on my way here, 1252 01:05:36,411 --> 01:05:39,378 And I thought nabi would like it. I do! 1253 01:05:39,478 --> 01:05:43,244 Is it the theme song of the worldwide islamic caliphate? 1254 01:05:44,679 --> 01:05:48,777 Very good. [ chuckles ] 1255 01:05:48,877 --> 01:05:50,911 So, let us sit. 1256 01:05:51,078 --> 01:05:55,043 Friends and family need not stand on ceremony. 1257 01:05:55,179 --> 01:05:56,877 [ clears throat ] 1258 01:05:56,979 --> 01:05:59,411 [ clears throat ] 1259 01:06:07,445 --> 01:06:10,011 Uzma, where's your mum? 1260 01:06:10,179 --> 01:06:12,077 Oh, she's just in the... 1261 01:06:14,279 --> 01:06:16,479 Salaam alaykum, kashmina. 1262 01:06:16,579 --> 01:06:18,146 Mahmud. 1263 01:06:18,247 --> 01:06:22,011 So, let us talk about rashid. 1264 01:06:22,113 --> 01:06:27,677 Yes. He's, uh... He's a good boy, I think. 1265 01:06:27,779 --> 01:06:30,845 Though, um... [ clears throat ] 1266 01:06:30,946 --> 01:06:34,845 As the holy qur'an says... 1267 01:06:34,946 --> 01:06:36,713 Says... 1268 01:06:36,813 --> 01:06:40,845 Children are our only trial. 1269 01:06:40,948 --> 01:06:43,046 Not quite. 1270 01:06:43,147 --> 01:06:45,914 Your wealth and your children are only a trial. 1271 01:06:46,014 --> 01:06:49,180 With allah -- with him is a great reward. 1272 01:06:49,281 --> 01:06:51,313 At-taghabun ayah 15. 1273 01:06:51,415 --> 01:06:53,713 Of course, right? Yeah. 1274 01:06:53,813 --> 01:06:55,047 Come, now. 1275 01:06:55,148 --> 01:06:59,080 I do not expect everyone to know every hadith by heart. 1276 01:06:59,180 --> 01:07:01,746 No. I don't even know "humpty dumpty" by heart. 1277 01:07:01,848 --> 01:07:04,914 All I need to be happy and content 1278 01:07:05,014 --> 01:07:07,714 Is to know that I'm among muslims. 1279 01:07:07,814 --> 01:07:09,547 Oh. Of course. Of course. 1280 01:07:09,647 --> 01:07:12,215 And on that note, because, of course, we are here 1281 01:07:12,315 --> 01:07:14,880 In the hope of sealing a happy event 1282 01:07:14,981 --> 01:07:17,814 Which may join our two families forever, 1283 01:07:17,914 --> 01:07:23,047 You will forgive me the need of some inquiry. 1284 01:07:23,149 --> 01:07:25,581 Brother arshad can trace his lineage 1285 01:07:25,683 --> 01:07:28,881 Back to ibrahim ibn walid ibn abdallah, 1286 01:07:28,982 --> 01:07:33,947 Imam of medina of the 8th century. 1287 01:07:34,047 --> 01:07:37,182 I have to be careful in my position. 1288 01:07:37,282 --> 01:07:39,448 You will have seen the television cameras outside. 1289 01:07:39,549 --> 01:07:41,848 They have been chasing me since my arrival 1290 01:07:41,949 --> 01:07:42,848 Here in brighton. 1291 01:07:42,948 --> 01:07:45,348 I must be on guard to preserve 1292 01:07:45,449 --> 01:07:48,715 The dignity of the al-masri name. 1293 01:07:48,816 --> 01:07:51,381 Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Yes. 1294 01:07:51,482 --> 01:07:55,082 For example, a small internet search reveals 1295 01:07:55,182 --> 01:07:57,715 That you once wrote a letter to the local paper 1296 01:07:57,817 --> 01:08:01,715 Calling on muslims to be more "moderate." 1297 01:08:01,816 --> 01:08:05,216 Yeah, listen, that whole shia "shite" thing -- misprint. 1298 01:08:05,383 --> 01:08:07,015 You know, I got really upset about that. 1299 01:08:07,183 --> 01:08:09,849 Moderation is, of course, a good thing... 1300 01:08:09,949 --> 01:08:12,683 In moderation. 1301 01:08:15,018 --> 01:08:16,549 [ chuckles ] 1302 01:08:16,649 --> 01:08:18,217 [ laughter ] 1303 01:08:22,450 --> 01:08:26,183 But...This western idea 1304 01:08:26,284 --> 01:08:30,516 Of the "moderate muslim" -- 1305 01:08:30,618 --> 01:08:35,849 That idea I completely reject! 1306 01:08:35,951 --> 01:08:40,517 But then, I saw how you had changed. 1307 01:08:40,618 --> 01:08:43,482 How do you mean? 1308 01:08:43,584 --> 01:08:45,984 Tariq. 1309 01:08:46,085 --> 01:08:49,351 [ crowd chanting "burn it" ] 1310 01:08:54,552 --> 01:08:57,117 What are you doing there, daddy? 1311 01:08:57,219 --> 01:08:59,250 Yes, nabi, good question. 1312 01:08:59,385 --> 01:09:00,385 Yes. 1313 01:09:00,487 --> 01:09:03,184 Tariq: We've put the film on our website. 1314 01:09:03,286 --> 01:09:04,551 You have? 1315 01:09:04,653 --> 01:09:08,017 43,000 hits and counting. 1316 01:09:08,185 --> 01:09:10,684 Insha'allah. Arshad: Insha'allah. 1317 01:09:10,785 --> 01:09:14,152 What mahmud is doing, nabi, is demonstrating 1318 01:09:14,252 --> 01:09:17,119 That even a liberal, moderate muslim 1319 01:09:17,220 --> 01:09:21,952 Can only be stretched so far. 1320 01:09:22,053 --> 01:09:24,219 Am I right, mahmud? 1321 01:09:26,086 --> 01:09:28,885 Absolutely. 1322 01:09:30,987 --> 01:09:34,919 So, uzma and rashid, 1323 01:09:35,019 --> 01:09:38,886 I give their marriage my blessing. 1324 01:09:41,488 --> 01:09:43,952 Let us celebrate. 1325 01:09:44,053 --> 01:09:45,952 Please, sing for us, brother arshad. 1326 01:09:46,054 --> 01:09:47,154 No, no, no. No, no, no. 1327 01:09:47,254 --> 01:09:50,353 Brother arshad has a beautiful singing voice. 1328 01:09:50,453 --> 01:09:51,854 Ah. 1329 01:09:51,955 --> 01:09:53,553 Not really. 1330 01:09:53,654 --> 01:09:55,819 Please, arshad sahib, we would all love to hear you sing. 1331 01:09:55,920 --> 01:10:01,186 Well, well, well, just a little nasheed 1332 01:10:01,287 --> 01:10:04,686 That my mother taught me. 1333 01:10:04,787 --> 01:10:05,887 [ clearing throat ] 1334 01:10:09,322 --> 01:10:11,653 [ singing in arabic ] 1335 01:10:47,355 --> 01:10:49,622 [ doorbell ringing ] 1336 01:10:54,490 --> 01:10:57,388 Uh, I-I'll go and get that. 1337 01:10:57,489 --> 01:10:58,655 I'm sorry. 1338 01:10:58,755 --> 01:11:01,689 That was very nice. I was really enjoying that. 1339 01:11:04,223 --> 01:11:05,223 [ indistinct shouting ] 1340 01:11:05,324 --> 01:11:08,121 Mr. Nasir? 1341 01:11:08,223 --> 01:11:10,223 You are under arrest on suspicion 1342 01:11:10,323 --> 01:11:12,989 Of having performed actions in contravention 1343 01:11:13,057 --> 01:11:15,956 To the racial and religious hatred act of 2006. 1344 01:11:16,058 --> 01:11:17,289 Yeah. 1345 01:11:17,391 --> 01:11:19,822 How dare you gatecrash my twins' big day, huh?! 1346 01:11:19,857 --> 01:11:21,456 What were you planning to do, 1347 01:11:21,557 --> 01:11:23,622 Put anthrax in the smoked salmon sushi?! 1348 01:11:23,756 --> 01:11:25,256 Come on, now, mr. Nasir. 1349 01:11:25,357 --> 01:11:26,756 Yes, yes. Sorry. 1350 01:11:26,857 --> 01:11:29,723 What is this man guilty of, exactly... 1351 01:11:29,823 --> 01:11:31,490 [ indistinct shouting ] 1352 01:11:31,590 --> 01:11:33,523 ...When the jewish-controlled western media 1353 01:11:33,624 --> 01:11:39,589 Produces offensive islamophobic blasphemies?! 1354 01:11:39,691 --> 01:11:41,390 [ crowd boos ] 1355 01:11:41,491 --> 01:11:45,222 Shouldn't a muslim speak out about the treatment 1356 01:11:45,324 --> 01:11:50,090 Of his brothers by the zionist oppressors?! 1357 01:11:50,191 --> 01:11:52,324 He wasn't speaking out! 1358 01:11:52,426 --> 01:11:57,424 What happened to your precious freedom of expression, 1359 01:11:57,525 --> 01:11:58,624 You hypocrites?! 1360 01:11:58,725 --> 01:12:00,290 Whatever. 1361 01:12:00,392 --> 01:12:02,058 Burning a jew's hat, I'm afraid, 1362 01:12:02,158 --> 01:12:03,523 Constitutes religious hatred. 1363 01:12:03,625 --> 01:12:04,857 I must warn you, sir, anything you say 1364 01:12:04,958 --> 01:12:06,624 Will be taken down and used as evidence against you. 1365 01:12:06,725 --> 01:12:08,792 Anything? Yes, sir. Everything. 1366 01:12:08,892 --> 01:12:12,091 [ crowd chanting "mahmud" ] 1367 01:12:12,191 --> 01:12:14,791 [ indistinct shouting ] 1368 01:12:17,692 --> 01:12:19,692 [ wind howling ] 1369 01:12:26,492 --> 01:12:28,992 I'm jewish! 1370 01:12:29,093 --> 01:12:30,593 Monty: What? 1371 01:12:33,494 --> 01:12:35,624 What? What? 1372 01:12:35,727 --> 01:12:37,825 I'm sorry. What's that, sir? 1373 01:12:37,925 --> 01:12:39,692 I'm jewish. 1374 01:12:39,794 --> 01:12:44,326 I was born a jew. I just found out. 1375 01:12:44,428 --> 01:12:49,026 I was adopted... By muslims. 1376 01:12:49,127 --> 01:12:50,226 Uzma! 1377 01:12:50,327 --> 01:12:51,959 Well, I suppose that's all right, then, sir. 1378 01:12:52,061 --> 01:12:53,192 Well, is it? Well, yeah. 1379 01:12:53,327 --> 01:12:55,193 I mean, it's like that jackie mason fella. 1380 01:12:55,260 --> 01:12:57,260 He can take the piss out of jews 'cause he's a jew. 1381 01:12:57,361 --> 01:12:58,759 Wouldn't arrest him for it, would we? 1382 01:12:58,860 --> 01:13:00,061 This is clearly nonsense, officer. 1383 01:13:00,161 --> 01:13:01,293 He doesn't even look jewish. 1384 01:13:01,360 --> 01:13:02,626 Yes, he does. 1385 01:13:02,728 --> 01:13:04,593 What are you talking about? He's basically a schvartse. 1386 01:13:04,695 --> 01:13:05,792 Rashid: Dad. 1387 01:13:05,894 --> 01:13:07,727 It's true. I'm sorry. 1388 01:13:07,827 --> 01:13:10,293 No, no, no, please. Come on. 1389 01:13:10,396 --> 01:13:11,726 [ indistinct shouting ] 1390 01:13:11,827 --> 01:13:13,460 Uzma! 1391 01:13:20,462 --> 01:13:22,027 Uzma! 1392 01:13:22,127 --> 01:13:23,295 Get inside, get inside. 1393 01:13:23,395 --> 01:13:25,328 All right, the rest of you, 1394 01:13:25,429 --> 01:13:28,526 Could you all kindly fuck off my premises! 1395 01:13:28,663 --> 01:13:31,228 He's a live one, isn't he? 1396 01:13:31,330 --> 01:13:33,294 [ engine turns over ] what do you mean? 1397 01:13:33,329 --> 01:13:35,394 How was I inciting racial hatred? 1398 01:13:35,494 --> 01:13:37,561 Schvartse, sir. I heard you say it. 1399 01:13:37,663 --> 01:13:40,327 How do you even know what it means?! 1400 01:13:47,496 --> 01:13:48,729 Rash -- 1401 01:13:48,829 --> 01:13:50,496 No. 1402 01:13:52,695 --> 01:13:55,095 Rashid! 1403 01:14:04,196 --> 01:14:06,595 At least I'm not a shia. 1404 01:14:06,695 --> 01:14:08,528 [ blues harmonica plays ] 1405 01:14:15,696 --> 01:14:17,028 � whoo � 1406 01:14:47,197 --> 01:14:48,764 Nabi. 1407 01:14:48,865 --> 01:14:50,598 Something at school today? 1408 01:14:50,698 --> 01:14:52,097 Infidel. 1409 01:14:52,198 --> 01:14:54,665 For crying out loud. 1410 01:14:54,766 --> 01:14:56,665 [ television turns on ] 1411 01:14:56,765 --> 01:14:58,863 I'm jewish! 1412 01:14:58,964 --> 01:14:59,864 I was born a jew. 1413 01:14:59,965 --> 01:15:01,363 Jesus, moses, and allah. 1414 01:15:01,464 --> 01:15:04,665 I just found out. I was adopted. 1415 01:15:04,765 --> 01:15:06,998 [ indistinct shouti ng ] 1416 01:15:10,966 --> 01:15:14,031 Matthew: There were some astonishing scenes there. 1417 01:15:14,131 --> 01:15:15,032 Well, what do we make of them? 1418 01:15:15,134 --> 01:15:17,531 Matthew, I think that this guy 1419 01:15:17,633 --> 01:15:19,698 Is multiculturalism made flesh. 1420 01:15:19,798 --> 01:15:21,832 He's a hero for our times, 1421 01:15:21,932 --> 01:15:24,263 Somebody that we have to use as a way -- 1422 01:15:24,332 --> 01:15:26,698 This is the way we need to go forward. 1423 01:15:26,799 --> 01:15:28,731 We need to look at people like this and say, 1424 01:15:28,833 --> 01:15:31,165 "yes, you're proud and I'm proud of what you are. 1425 01:15:31,267 --> 01:15:33,665 You might look a certain way --" 1426 01:15:33,766 --> 01:15:34,931 Not what I would say, 1427 01:15:35,033 --> 01:15:36,333 If you were in his shoes, the poor guy. 1428 01:15:36,434 --> 01:15:37,598 Man: It's not something that looked to me like... 1429 01:15:37,700 --> 01:15:39,032 Hey, guys. 1430 01:15:39,134 --> 01:15:40,900 Hey, mahmud. 1431 01:15:41,000 --> 01:15:42,333 I think this is where we're being very naive. 1432 01:15:42,434 --> 01:15:43,432 [ television turns off ] 1433 01:15:43,534 --> 01:15:44,966 How's it going? 1434 01:15:45,067 --> 01:15:46,632 Yeah, yeah, yeah, good. 1435 01:15:46,734 --> 01:15:47,999 Yeah, yeah, right, yeah? 1436 01:15:48,099 --> 01:15:49,333 Doing lovely, sir, good. 1437 01:15:49,433 --> 01:15:52,000 You all right? 1438 01:15:52,100 --> 01:15:54,033 Where's wasif? 1439 01:15:54,134 --> 01:15:59,199 Um... Handed in his notice. 1440 01:16:01,266 --> 01:16:03,999 Is there anyone else who can do his job? 1441 01:16:04,101 --> 01:16:08,466 You need someone who really knows the roads. 1442 01:16:08,568 --> 01:16:11,967 All right, well, I... 1443 01:16:12,035 --> 01:16:17,400 I might just...Work from home today, then, shall I? 1444 01:16:17,501 --> 01:16:20,166 Yeah. G-good idea. 1445 01:16:20,267 --> 01:16:22,500 I'll go -- I'll go make some calls. 1446 01:16:22,602 --> 01:16:25,700 Some... 1447 01:16:25,801 --> 01:16:26,933 This. 1448 01:16:27,035 --> 01:16:28,301 Mahmud. 1449 01:16:31,668 --> 01:16:36,934 Things will work out. Insha'allah. 1450 01:16:46,135 --> 01:16:47,501 What are you doing? 1451 01:16:47,603 --> 01:16:49,202 I'm going to stay with my mum. 1452 01:16:49,268 --> 01:16:51,468 No, no. Just put it away. Just stay. 1453 01:16:51,568 --> 01:16:54,468 Let -- let go. 1454 01:16:54,504 --> 01:16:56,001 How long are you staying? 1455 01:16:56,103 --> 01:16:58,635 I don't know. 1456 01:16:58,736 --> 01:17:00,035 Because I'm a jew? 1457 01:17:00,136 --> 01:17:02,202 No, mahmud, because you lied to me -- 1458 01:17:02,303 --> 01:17:06,536 Something you promised you would never do. 1459 01:17:06,637 --> 01:17:07,735 [ car door opens ] 1460 01:17:07,836 --> 01:17:08,968 Nabi: Daddy! 1461 01:17:09,003 --> 01:17:11,903 Hey, my baby girl. Hey. 1462 01:17:12,003 --> 01:17:13,401 Daddy? Yes? 1463 01:17:13,503 --> 01:17:15,435 What is a jew? 1464 01:17:15,536 --> 01:17:16,469 Well, you know that nasty man 1465 01:17:16,570 --> 01:17:17,669 On "the apprentice" with the beard? 1466 01:17:17,771 --> 01:17:19,369 [ horn honking ] get in the car. 1467 01:17:19,469 --> 01:17:21,736 And why did some naughty man put dog poo through our door 1468 01:17:21,870 --> 01:17:22,936 Because you are one? 1469 01:17:23,036 --> 01:17:25,270 Hurry up! 1470 01:17:25,371 --> 01:17:28,302 Who did that? 1471 01:17:28,403 --> 01:17:31,804 I'll kill him. Fucking kill him. 1472 01:17:31,904 --> 01:17:32,969 Rashid: Excuse me, dad. 1473 01:17:33,070 --> 01:17:34,037 Yeah, but that's -- 1474 01:17:34,138 --> 01:17:35,571 It doesn't matter what those morons think. 1475 01:17:35,671 --> 01:17:36,971 [ horn honking ] rashid, hurry up! 1476 01:17:37,037 --> 01:17:40,937 I loved her, dad. I love her. 1477 01:17:41,038 --> 01:17:42,470 Rashid! I know. I know, son. 1478 01:17:42,571 --> 01:17:44,370 And I can explain. You don't understand. 1479 01:17:44,470 --> 01:17:46,204 My dad, my real dad -- to get to him, 1480 01:17:46,306 --> 01:17:48,570 I've got to try and prove that I'm some kind of -- 1481 01:17:48,671 --> 01:17:51,672 Where's my dad? Where's my real dad? 1482 01:17:51,772 --> 01:17:54,969 [ car door closes, engine revs ] 1483 01:18:00,704 --> 01:18:04,471 [ camera shutter clicking ] 1484 01:18:11,905 --> 01:18:14,738 Enough already! 1485 01:18:56,141 --> 01:18:57,540 [ indistinct conversation ] 1486 01:18:57,640 --> 01:18:59,340 Get away, man. 1487 01:19:02,907 --> 01:19:04,840 [ sniffling ] 1488 01:19:12,708 --> 01:19:15,773 [ vehicle passing, horn blaring ] 1489 01:19:15,874 --> 01:19:18,040 Fuck off! 1490 01:19:28,640 --> 01:19:31,873 Come on, my friend. Here we go. 1491 01:19:31,975 --> 01:19:35,407 Up. There. We got you. 1492 01:19:35,509 --> 01:19:37,007 Leytonstone, huh? 1493 01:19:37,109 --> 01:19:38,008 Golders green. 1494 01:19:38,108 --> 01:19:39,341 Golders green? 1495 01:19:39,442 --> 01:19:40,508 Yeah. 1496 01:19:40,610 --> 01:19:41,974 All right. 1497 01:19:47,142 --> 01:19:48,974 I want to see izzy shimshileewitz. 1498 01:19:49,075 --> 01:19:50,308 You can't. 1499 01:19:50,409 --> 01:19:51,642 Why not? 1500 01:19:51,742 --> 01:19:54,141 Well, for one thing, it's not visiting hours. 1501 01:19:54,343 --> 01:19:57,242 And for another... 1502 01:20:05,910 --> 01:20:09,575 I've done it, okay? I've told the world. 1503 01:20:09,643 --> 01:20:11,774 Whoo-hoo. I'm a fat old jew. 1504 01:20:11,877 --> 01:20:14,509 Have you had your pound of flesh? 1505 01:20:14,577 --> 01:20:17,276 Huh? Have I jumped through enough jew hoops? 1506 01:20:17,377 --> 01:20:20,009 Have I ruined my muslim life enough for you?! 1507 01:20:20,111 --> 01:20:22,243 He can't stop -- not this prayer. 1508 01:20:22,344 --> 01:20:24,843 He's not allowed to. It's jewish law. 1509 01:20:24,943 --> 01:20:26,775 Oh, really? 1510 01:20:26,877 --> 01:20:29,909 Oh, well, then I can go in here whenever I fucking like, eh? 1511 01:20:30,011 --> 01:20:32,375 Eh? Whoo-hoo. Look, I'm in. I'm out. 1512 01:20:32,477 --> 01:20:34,010 I'm in. I'm out. Mahmud. 1513 01:20:34,111 --> 01:20:36,275 I'm really sorry. 1514 01:20:36,376 --> 01:20:38,644 But it's a prayer for the dead. 1515 01:20:40,678 --> 01:20:45,310 I'm so sorry. Died a couple of hours ago. 1516 01:20:45,411 --> 01:20:47,977 He got your letter, though, your package. 1517 01:20:50,045 --> 01:20:51,776 I didn't send anything. 1518 01:20:51,911 --> 01:20:55,377 Perhaps you'd like to go in, sit in his room for a bit. 1519 01:20:55,478 --> 01:20:57,710 I know some of our recently bereaved relatives 1520 01:20:57,810 --> 01:20:59,711 That can help a little. 1521 01:20:59,812 --> 01:21:01,577 Thank you. 1522 01:21:09,379 --> 01:21:11,245 Fuck! 1523 01:21:11,346 --> 01:21:12,711 [ clattering ] 1524 01:21:22,213 --> 01:21:25,245 [ music box chiming ] 1525 01:21:49,880 --> 01:21:51,946 [ sighs ] 1526 01:22:00,347 --> 01:22:02,247 [ television turns on ] 1527 01:22:02,348 --> 01:22:06,413 Mahmud: I'm jewish! 1528 01:22:06,514 --> 01:22:09,547 I was born a jew. 1529 01:22:09,647 --> 01:22:16,779 I was adopted... By muslims. 1530 01:22:27,781 --> 01:22:29,681 [ bird chirping ] 1531 01:22:58,216 --> 01:23:00,482 Mahmud, I-I'm -- I'm -- I'm sorry, man. 1532 01:23:00,582 --> 01:23:03,648 If I wasn't such a schmuck to that rabbi, if I had -- 1533 01:23:03,749 --> 01:23:05,882 Forget it. 1534 01:23:06,017 --> 01:23:09,383 Besides... 1535 01:23:09,483 --> 01:23:12,749 This gives you a big license to schmuck. 1536 01:23:15,916 --> 01:23:18,149 You could have used a different tape. 1537 01:23:18,250 --> 01:23:22,482 I wanted him to get it into the vcr right away. 1538 01:23:22,583 --> 01:23:24,381 Did you wipe the porn off? 1539 01:23:24,483 --> 01:23:27,083 Fuck no. I wanted him to die happy. 1540 01:23:30,818 --> 01:23:33,082 Look what he wrote on it. 1541 01:23:35,917 --> 01:23:39,350 He remembered it, then -- your name. 1542 01:23:39,450 --> 01:23:42,084 Well, that's -- that's something. 1543 01:23:44,751 --> 01:23:46,817 [ sighs ] 1544 01:23:46,918 --> 01:23:51,152 My life's still shot, though, isn't it? 1545 01:23:51,252 --> 01:23:55,116 My family's left me. My workmates hate me. 1546 01:23:55,151 --> 01:23:57,718 My son loves this girl that he can't marry 1547 01:23:57,819 --> 01:24:02,217 'cause I'm a big jewish twat. 1548 01:24:02,319 --> 01:24:04,850 Why can't they just get married anyway? 1549 01:24:04,952 --> 01:24:08,050 I mean, who cares what this taliban moron says? 1550 01:24:08,152 --> 01:24:10,584 Now, look, 'cause however modern uzma is, 1551 01:24:10,684 --> 01:24:13,051 However many facebook friends she gets, 1552 01:24:13,152 --> 01:24:17,551 However many brazilians she, you know... 1553 01:24:19,152 --> 01:24:23,918 ...She just would never, ever shame her family. 1554 01:24:23,954 --> 01:24:28,652 That's what it's like being a fucking paki. 1555 01:24:28,753 --> 01:24:30,985 A minute ago, you were a big jewish twat. 1556 01:24:31,087 --> 01:24:32,485 I know, I know. 1557 01:24:32,586 --> 01:24:34,252 [ women chanting ] 1558 01:25:39,688 --> 01:25:42,188 Reporter: Tonight, on a channel 100 special, 1559 01:25:42,288 --> 01:25:43,387 We ask the question, 1560 01:25:43,489 --> 01:25:45,889 Islamic clerics, such as arshad al-masri -- 1561 01:25:45,990 --> 01:25:48,954 Are they working for the good of their country, 1562 01:25:49,055 --> 01:25:51,055 Or are they dangerous fanatics 1563 01:25:51,155 --> 01:25:53,820 Driven by a desire to destroy our way of life? 1564 01:26:07,889 --> 01:26:11,055 Hey. 1565 01:26:11,157 --> 01:26:14,522 So, uh... What are you doing? 1566 01:26:14,622 --> 01:26:17,223 Running. 1567 01:26:17,358 --> 01:26:19,455 Are you, uh... 1568 01:26:19,555 --> 01:26:23,390 Are you going to al-masri's lecture? 1569 01:26:23,490 --> 01:26:25,822 Well, isn't uzma gonna be there? 1570 01:26:29,623 --> 01:26:32,991 Do you know how she's doing? 1571 01:26:33,090 --> 01:26:35,490 Well, she's obviously really happy 1572 01:26:35,590 --> 01:26:38,158 That because her mum is now too frightened 1573 01:26:38,224 --> 01:26:40,356 To leave muhammad al-fucking-stalin, 1574 01:26:40,457 --> 01:26:42,890 She will have to go with them to waziristan, 1575 01:26:42,990 --> 01:26:46,090 Where the women of her age legally have to wear a muzzle 1576 01:26:46,191 --> 01:26:48,857 If they've still got a clitoris. 1577 01:26:52,757 --> 01:26:54,724 Okay, listen. 1578 01:26:54,825 --> 01:26:57,423 I'm going to this event, okay? 1579 01:26:57,523 --> 01:26:59,724 I'm gonna stand up, and I'm gonna take arshad on. 1580 01:26:59,826 --> 01:27:00,892 What? 1581 01:27:00,992 --> 01:27:02,357 Yeah. I've done some reading. 1582 01:27:02,459 --> 01:27:04,591 I've read the qur'an. I've read the old testament. 1583 01:27:04,692 --> 01:27:06,558 I think -- are you mental? 1584 01:27:06,658 --> 01:27:08,290 He knows this stuff backwards. 1585 01:27:08,390 --> 01:27:11,058 Do you really want to make a complete twat of yourself 1586 01:27:11,225 --> 01:27:14,224 In front of the whole community again? 1587 01:27:14,326 --> 01:27:15,391 Yeah, but, son, 1588 01:27:15,492 --> 01:27:18,191 It's -- it's not exactly the whole community, is it? 1589 01:27:18,359 --> 01:27:19,526 Oh, oh, it is. 1590 01:27:19,626 --> 01:27:21,357 Since your little moment on tv, 1591 01:27:21,459 --> 01:27:23,357 It's not just the wahhabi nutters 1592 01:27:23,458 --> 01:27:24,725 Who want to see arshad. 1593 01:27:24,827 --> 01:27:26,758 No, no, no! Everyone's interested! 1594 01:27:26,859 --> 01:27:28,090 Oh. 1595 01:27:28,192 --> 01:27:33,325 Dad, please. Open your eyes. 1596 01:27:33,425 --> 01:27:35,925 Son, son. 1597 01:27:36,027 --> 01:27:38,092 [ sighs ] 1598 01:27:48,027 --> 01:27:51,059 My eyes. 1599 01:28:16,294 --> 01:28:19,193 They're starting about now -- the lecture. 1600 01:28:19,295 --> 01:28:21,193 Mum, forget it. 1601 01:28:21,295 --> 01:28:23,194 You know, muna's gone. 1602 01:28:23,295 --> 01:28:24,527 Well, that's -- that's up to her. 1603 01:28:24,629 --> 01:28:26,860 But, rashid -- mum, we're not going. 1604 01:28:26,961 --> 01:28:29,860 Remember what he's done. 1605 01:28:29,961 --> 01:28:33,329 Look not at what a man has done, but what he hopes to do. 1606 01:28:33,429 --> 01:28:36,160 Who taught you that, nabi? 1607 01:28:36,261 --> 01:28:37,961 Daddy. 1608 01:28:42,095 --> 01:28:45,327 Arshad: If that means refusing, speaking out against, 1609 01:28:45,429 --> 01:28:48,329 Even tearing down those aspects of western culture 1610 01:28:48,430 --> 01:28:52,427 Which disgust and dismay the true believer, 1611 01:28:52,529 --> 01:28:54,561 So be it. 1612 01:28:54,662 --> 01:28:56,761 [ applause ] 1613 01:29:04,197 --> 01:29:07,027 Thank you. 1614 01:29:07,128 --> 01:29:10,263 Thank you very much, my brothers and sisters, of course. 1615 01:29:10,363 --> 01:29:12,728 Now, any questions? 1616 01:29:12,828 --> 01:29:15,062 Yes? 1617 01:29:15,163 --> 01:29:16,962 Brother arshad, 1618 01:29:17,062 --> 01:29:20,962 How can we support your cause? 1619 01:29:21,064 --> 01:29:24,396 Well, by listening and acting on my words. 1620 01:29:24,497 --> 01:29:28,062 But also, if you wish, there are donations that can be made. 1621 01:29:28,163 --> 01:29:30,263 Details are available at the door. 1622 01:29:30,363 --> 01:29:32,695 Yes, brother? 1623 01:29:32,797 --> 01:29:35,230 Tell us also, brother, 1624 01:29:35,330 --> 01:29:39,395 How come you are so remarkably good... 1625 01:29:39,496 --> 01:29:41,596 Mum, I'm gonna go and -- wait, wait. 1626 01:29:41,698 --> 01:29:42,662 Have you seen uzma? 1627 01:29:42,765 --> 01:29:44,696 Rashid, look over there. Where? 1628 01:29:44,830 --> 01:29:46,630 That is very kind of you to say, brother. 1629 01:29:46,731 --> 01:29:48,863 Well, I have the advantage, of course, of coming 1630 01:29:48,964 --> 01:29:52,831 From a long and eminent line of great islamic preachers. 1631 01:29:52,931 --> 01:29:57,197 But who knows if I do them justice? 1632 01:29:57,299 --> 01:30:00,897 [ applause ] 1633 01:30:00,998 --> 01:30:03,063 Thank you very much. Thank you very much. 1634 01:30:03,264 --> 01:30:05,530 So, if there are no further questions... 1635 01:30:05,631 --> 01:30:08,397 Yes, holy sister? 1636 01:30:08,499 --> 01:30:11,197 [ high-pitched voice ] question for brother arshad. 1637 01:30:11,299 --> 01:30:14,397 Is it possible that you, being such a fantastic speaker, 1638 01:30:14,499 --> 01:30:15,397 There's something you've forgotten... 1639 01:30:15,497 --> 01:30:19,231 Which is... [ crowd murmuring ] 1640 01:30:32,166 --> 01:30:34,899 You're stretched it really badly now, you big knobhead. 1641 01:30:34,999 --> 01:30:37,097 [ normal voice ] let me ask you this. 1642 01:30:37,198 --> 01:30:39,932 Why won't you let my son marry your stepdaughter? 1643 01:30:40,066 --> 01:30:42,866 Well, well, if it isn't "mahmud nasir." 1644 01:30:42,966 --> 01:30:44,032 [ laughter ] 1645 01:30:44,133 --> 01:30:45,165 Answer the question. 1646 01:30:45,265 --> 01:30:46,266 Mum, what is he doing? 1647 01:30:46,366 --> 01:30:50,200 The holy qur'an al-baqarah ayah 221 -- 1648 01:30:50,299 --> 01:30:53,699 Do not marry your girls to unbelievers. 1649 01:30:53,800 --> 01:30:56,399 [ applause ] 1650 01:30:56,500 --> 01:30:58,099 Until they believe. 1651 01:30:58,168 --> 01:30:59,332 I beg your pardon? 1652 01:30:59,434 --> 01:31:01,499 Well, that's how the ayah continues. 1653 01:31:01,701 --> 01:31:05,433 An islamic woman can marry any man who believes in allah. 1654 01:31:05,533 --> 01:31:08,299 And my son believes in allah. 1655 01:31:08,367 --> 01:31:09,400 And how can I believe in the son 1656 01:31:09,501 --> 01:31:12,666 When I cannot believe in the father, hmm? 1657 01:31:12,767 --> 01:31:15,200 Oh. Welcome. 1658 01:31:15,300 --> 01:31:18,366 No, no, no, no. Don't -- don't get up on the stage. 1659 01:31:18,434 --> 01:31:19,866 [ laughter ] 1660 01:31:19,968 --> 01:31:24,099 A bit harder. [ laughs ] 1661 01:31:30,035 --> 01:31:33,466 And what are you today, brother? 1662 01:31:33,567 --> 01:31:36,634 What is the... [ speaks indistinctly ] 1663 01:31:36,735 --> 01:31:38,633 [ laughter ] 1664 01:31:38,701 --> 01:31:40,201 I am a muslim. 1665 01:31:40,302 --> 01:31:43,700 [ speaking arabic ] 1666 01:31:43,802 --> 01:31:47,601 Well, well, well, well. Saying our holy words. 1667 01:31:47,702 --> 01:31:50,502 At-taghabun ayah 73 -- 1668 01:31:50,602 --> 01:31:54,234 Strive hard against the unbeliever. 1669 01:31:54,335 --> 01:31:58,102 I believe my shahada, 1670 01:31:58,136 --> 01:32:00,267 Because it's my lord's prayer. 1671 01:32:00,368 --> 01:32:03,335 And you know what else I learned recently? 1672 01:32:03,436 --> 01:32:05,734 The jews have their own lord's prayer. 1673 01:32:05,904 --> 01:32:08,201 You know what it's called? The shema. 1674 01:32:08,269 --> 01:32:09,535 What is he talking about? 1675 01:32:09,635 --> 01:32:12,335 Do you know what moses called god in the original hebrew? 1676 01:32:12,436 --> 01:32:16,501 Elah -- allah, elah -- 1677 01:32:16,604 --> 01:32:18,502 Because it's the same god. 1678 01:32:18,637 --> 01:32:20,435 Very, very good, mahmud. 1679 01:32:20,503 --> 01:32:23,569 You've learned some of the qur'an by heart. 1680 01:32:23,704 --> 01:32:25,635 [ chuckles ] mazel tov. 1681 01:32:25,735 --> 01:32:28,370 So, maybe you tell us, mahmud, 1682 01:32:28,471 --> 01:32:31,069 Before all this delicate business 1683 01:32:31,171 --> 01:32:33,702 About your parentage happened, 1684 01:32:33,804 --> 01:32:37,237 How often did you go to the mosque? 1685 01:32:37,337 --> 01:32:40,036 Five times a day I'll assume, surely. 1686 01:32:40,137 --> 01:32:42,870 Well... No? 1687 01:32:42,971 --> 01:32:43,970 [ laughter ] 1688 01:32:44,071 --> 01:32:45,969 Oh, dear. 1689 01:32:46,072 --> 01:32:48,703 Devotion at home, then? 1690 01:32:48,804 --> 01:32:51,336 I'll bet if you got your prayer mat out now, 1691 01:32:51,438 --> 01:32:54,703 It would have two big holes in it from so much kneeling. 1692 01:32:54,805 --> 01:32:56,037 Yeah. [ laughter ] 1693 01:32:56,138 --> 01:32:58,937 Not that, either? Tsk, tsk. 1694 01:32:59,039 --> 01:33:01,403 At least, I assume 1695 01:33:01,505 --> 01:33:04,038 You kept yourself free of all pollution. 1696 01:33:04,138 --> 01:33:06,704 You're able to admit, aren't you, 1697 01:33:06,804 --> 01:33:11,870 With your hand on the holy qur'an, 1698 01:33:12,071 --> 01:33:15,905 That alcohol has never passed your lips. 1699 01:33:22,106 --> 01:33:24,837 Hmm. 1700 01:33:24,940 --> 01:33:27,136 Okay, okay, my son. 1701 01:33:27,239 --> 01:33:29,772 I think you better step down now. 1702 01:33:29,873 --> 01:33:32,372 Yeah. Yeah. 1703 01:33:36,473 --> 01:33:41,039 You can also add to that list. 1704 01:33:41,140 --> 01:33:45,373 I've lied... 1705 01:33:45,474 --> 01:33:47,605 To the people I love the most. 1706 01:33:47,707 --> 01:33:49,871 I've been a poor father. 1707 01:33:49,973 --> 01:33:55,204 Been trying so hard to find myself that I forgot myself. 1708 01:33:55,306 --> 01:33:59,504 I forgot who I am, 1709 01:33:59,606 --> 01:34:02,139 Which is a husband and a father. 1710 01:34:03,673 --> 01:34:09,539 And, yes, I have not been the muslim I should have been. 1711 01:34:09,640 --> 01:34:12,606 But who here has? 1712 01:34:12,708 --> 01:34:17,640 Who here has, except for arshad al-masri? 1713 01:34:17,740 --> 01:34:23,240 And what is your name, solly? 1714 01:34:25,907 --> 01:34:30,973 My name is mahmud nasir. 1715 01:34:31,074 --> 01:34:33,308 And for once, yes, for a very short period, 1716 01:34:33,408 --> 01:34:35,607 It was solly shimshileewitz. 1717 01:34:35,709 --> 01:34:38,540 And of that, I am no longer ashamed. 1718 01:34:38,642 --> 01:34:40,674 [ crowd murmuring ] 1719 01:34:40,775 --> 01:34:43,541 A good man, a good muslim, 1720 01:34:43,641 --> 01:34:47,141 Should not just never lie about who he is, 1721 01:34:47,207 --> 01:34:51,440 He should also never lie about who he was. 1722 01:34:51,508 --> 01:34:54,174 Oh, and, by the way, arshad, 1723 01:34:54,275 --> 01:34:57,407 "strive hard against the unbelievers" -- 1724 01:34:57,507 --> 01:35:00,508 It's al-tawbah ayah 73. 1725 01:35:04,143 --> 01:35:06,641 Here's the thing about our clerics. 1726 01:35:06,742 --> 01:35:09,142 Some of them really do teach us about the holy qur'an. 1727 01:35:09,243 --> 01:35:10,675 And that's fantastic. 1728 01:35:10,777 --> 01:35:12,074 Some of them are out there, 1729 01:35:12,176 --> 01:35:15,309 Protecting our oppressed brothers and sisters. 1730 01:35:15,409 --> 01:35:17,775 And some of them... [ scoffs ] 1731 01:35:17,876 --> 01:35:23,108 ...Are beardy, weirdy fuckers who make shit up! 1732 01:35:23,208 --> 01:35:26,542 [ cheers and applause ] 1733 01:35:30,143 --> 01:35:33,542 Now, listen, you. 1734 01:35:33,643 --> 01:35:37,743 I don't care about all your stupid arguments. 1735 01:35:37,844 --> 01:35:41,210 Get off of my stage! 1736 01:35:41,310 --> 01:35:44,675 Your son will never marry my stepdaughter! 1737 01:35:44,776 --> 01:35:46,510 Oh, what's that? What? 1738 01:35:46,611 --> 01:35:49,342 What's that in your eye, that little spasm there? 1739 01:35:49,444 --> 01:35:51,877 It's -- it's brought on by anger, isn't it? 1740 01:35:51,977 --> 01:35:56,110 It's called a blepharospasm -- very rare. Yeah. 1741 01:35:56,212 --> 01:35:58,476 Tell you what, why don't you just... 1742 01:35:58,578 --> 01:36:00,277 Close your eyes? 1743 01:36:00,378 --> 01:36:01,445 [ snaps fingers ] 1744 01:36:03,278 --> 01:36:06,343 [ rock music plays ] 1745 01:36:17,379 --> 01:36:21,243 In 1962 in manchester, a baby boy was born. 1746 01:36:21,346 --> 01:36:24,078 His name was jimmy monassa, 1747 01:36:24,178 --> 01:36:27,412 Later to be known as gary page -- 1748 01:36:27,512 --> 01:36:29,511 My favorite pop star. 1749 01:36:29,612 --> 01:36:31,211 Yeah. 1750 01:36:31,312 --> 01:36:35,078 Gary made one good album and a lot of shit ones. 1751 01:36:35,179 --> 01:36:38,280 This one in particular -- really shit. 1752 01:36:38,380 --> 01:36:40,878 Gary -- oh, fuck it. 1753 01:36:40,979 --> 01:36:44,546 Gary "died" about 10 years ago. 1754 01:36:44,647 --> 01:36:47,379 Yeah, at that time he was trying to avoid a few tax issues 1755 01:36:47,480 --> 01:36:49,378 And nonpayment of child support 1756 01:36:49,479 --> 01:36:52,912 To five kids from five different women. 1757 01:36:53,014 --> 01:36:56,545 Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop, you fucking idiots! 1758 01:36:56,646 --> 01:36:59,812 Fuck off, you fucking paki! 1759 01:36:59,913 --> 01:37:02,378 [ crowd murmuring ] 1760 01:37:02,479 --> 01:37:07,912 Now, his left eye, the blepharospasm. 1761 01:37:21,215 --> 01:37:25,247 Well done. 1762 01:37:30,314 --> 01:37:33,013 Oh, and by the way -- not that it matters -- 1763 01:37:33,114 --> 01:37:36,513 Just so you know, mr. And mrs. Monassa -- 1764 01:37:36,615 --> 01:37:39,047 Scientologists. 1765 01:37:39,148 --> 01:37:40,582 [ laughter ] 1766 01:37:40,781 --> 01:37:42,314 [ rock music plays ] 1767 01:37:52,515 --> 01:37:55,482 Come here, you crazy, crazy man. 1768 01:37:55,616 --> 01:37:57,481 That's my dad. Yep. That's my dad. 1769 01:37:57,582 --> 01:38:00,348 Dad, that was class. How did you know? 1770 01:38:00,450 --> 01:38:03,215 I know. It's when he came out and sang that song. 1771 01:38:03,315 --> 01:38:05,448 I'd -- I'd know that tone anywhere. 1772 01:38:05,549 --> 01:38:07,615 But it wasn't until you told me to open my eyes, son. 1773 01:38:07,716 --> 01:38:10,949 Thanks, my son. 1774 01:38:11,050 --> 01:38:13,248 Hey. 1775 01:38:20,349 --> 01:38:23,982 Hey! 1776 01:38:24,116 --> 01:38:27,783 Lenny: Liverpool street. 1777 01:38:27,883 --> 01:38:30,515 Liverpool street. Anyone? 1778 01:38:32,051 --> 01:38:33,882 Liverpool street. 1779 01:38:33,951 --> 01:38:36,782 Liverpool fucking motherfucking street station! 1780 01:38:36,884 --> 01:38:38,417 Anyone! For fuck's sake! 1781 01:38:38,551 --> 01:38:40,516 Man: I can't hear you. I'm pinned up in here. 1782 01:38:40,616 --> 01:38:42,350 Woman: I'm never using this company again. 1783 01:38:42,451 --> 01:38:44,583 Right, sorry. 1784 01:38:44,684 --> 01:38:46,017 [ telephone rings ] 1785 01:38:46,117 --> 01:38:47,249 Yeah. 1786 01:38:47,418 --> 01:38:48,917 Mahmud: Yeah, I'd like a car to lancaster, please. 1787 01:38:49,017 --> 01:38:50,382 Mahmud, where are you? 1788 01:38:50,484 --> 01:38:52,216 You -- you give me this job 1789 01:38:52,317 --> 01:38:55,250 And then you don't show up yourself, you schmuck. 1790 01:38:55,284 --> 01:38:57,283 In fact, I'd like three cars, 1791 01:38:57,385 --> 01:38:59,817 Like you're supposed to have sorted? 1792 01:38:59,951 --> 01:39:03,150 It's today, lenny! Today! 1793 01:39:03,252 --> 01:39:06,682 You schmucking twat. 1794 01:39:09,618 --> 01:39:13,617 [ up-tempo music plays ] 1795 01:39:13,719 --> 01:39:15,051 [ camera shutter clicks ] 1796 01:39:22,718 --> 01:39:24,384 Mmm! 1797 01:39:25,919 --> 01:39:29,218 [ man rapping in arabic ] 1798 01:39:58,286 --> 01:40:00,285 [ cheering ] 1799 01:40:14,787 --> 01:40:16,852 Are you all right? 1800 01:40:16,955 --> 01:40:18,619 Oh, mahmud, mahmud. 1801 01:40:18,721 --> 01:40:20,019 Saamiya: Oh, my god, mahmud, are you okay? 1802 01:40:20,120 --> 01:40:21,853 Somebody come and help. Come and help. 1803 01:40:21,953 --> 01:40:24,287 [ indistinct conversations ] 1804 01:40:29,022 --> 01:40:30,886 Hey. [ clears throat ] 1805 01:40:30,987 --> 01:40:33,720 Muslim enough for you? 1806 01:40:33,820 --> 01:40:35,553 Actually wasn't that bad, you know? 1807 01:40:35,654 --> 01:40:36,553 Hmm. 1808 01:40:36,654 --> 01:40:39,720 I quite enjoyed it, being a jew. 1809 01:40:39,821 --> 01:40:41,553 What was that? 1810 01:40:41,654 --> 01:40:42,720 What was what? 1811 01:40:42,822 --> 01:40:44,520 What was that? What? 1812 01:40:44,622 --> 01:40:46,354 What? That you did -- you did -- 1813 01:40:46,454 --> 01:40:48,521 You did a big...Gesture, 1814 01:40:48,622 --> 01:40:50,353 Big-nose gesture when you said "jew." 1815 01:40:50,455 --> 01:40:52,187 I did not. You did, too. 1816 01:40:52,288 --> 01:40:56,920 No, I was just doing a -- it's a friendly wave. 1817 01:40:57,021 --> 01:40:59,588 Who were you waving at? 1818 01:40:59,689 --> 01:41:00,588 What? 1819 01:41:00,689 --> 01:41:01,755 Who were you waving at? 1820 01:41:01,856 --> 01:41:03,422 I was waving at you. Hey. 1821 01:41:03,522 --> 01:41:05,588 You see, no, you haven't learned a thing. 1822 01:41:05,689 --> 01:41:08,988 You -- you -- you did the big-nose mime, 1823 01:41:09,089 --> 01:41:10,654 The schnozzle mime. 1824 01:41:10,756 --> 01:41:11,789 That's what you did. 1825 01:41:11,889 --> 01:41:14,022 It's -- it's -- it's all anti-semitism with jews. 1826 01:41:14,123 --> 01:41:15,321 You know that? It's true. 1827 01:41:15,422 --> 01:41:17,188 Asking to move your cab is anti-semitic. 1828 01:41:17,289 --> 01:41:19,088 You know, I do a wave at you, I'm hitler. 1829 01:41:19,190 --> 01:41:21,521 I invite you to my son's wedding, and what do you do? 1830 01:41:21,623 --> 01:41:23,288 You know, if you're gonna be anti-semitic, 1831 01:41:23,388 --> 01:41:24,757 At least stop sounding so jewish. 1832 01:41:24,857 --> 01:41:26,188 Ha! There you go again! 1833 01:41:26,289 --> 01:41:27,722 What? There you go again! 1834 01:41:27,822 --> 01:41:29,689 What? You -- what is it with you people? 1835 01:41:29,790 --> 01:41:31,489 I don't understand. I don't understand. 1836 01:41:31,589 --> 01:41:34,256 You are "you people." that's why you have a big nose. 1837 01:41:34,357 --> 01:41:36,856 That's -- no, there's nature and there's nurture. 1838 01:41:36,957 --> 01:41:39,523 This nose -- big, yes, but it was made in pakistan. 1839 01:41:39,624 --> 01:41:40,657 It's not jewish. 1840 01:41:40,756 --> 01:41:42,023 You know, yeah. That's -- that's right. 1841 01:41:42,124 --> 01:41:43,356 It was made in pakistan. 1842 01:41:43,457 --> 01:41:45,356 It's not jewish because it doesn't have enough suffering 1843 01:41:45,458 --> 01:41:46,289 To be a real jewish nose. 1844 01:41:46,391 --> 01:41:47,655 You're actually very racist. 1845 01:41:47,757 --> 01:41:49,156 You're very racist. You know that? I am not racist. 1846 01:41:49,256 --> 01:41:51,056 I'm saying that my nose is a real jewish nose. 1847 01:41:51,158 --> 01:41:52,289 You don't even know about you. 1848 01:41:52,390 --> 01:41:54,223 You have some papers that say you're jewish. 1849 01:41:54,324 --> 01:41:55,723 I don't care if I have a jewish nose. 1850 01:41:55,824 --> 01:41:57,323 Who knows if you're really izzy's son? I don't know that. 1851 01:41:57,424 --> 01:41:59,357 Let me tell you something. 1852 01:41:59,457 --> 01:42:01,923 Your cockney accent is shite. 1853 01:42:02,024 --> 01:42:03,624 � yes, I got to have faith � 1854 01:42:03,724 --> 01:42:06,591 � mm, I got to have faith � 1855 01:42:06,691 --> 01:42:09,090 � because I got to have faith, a-faith, a-faith � 1856 01:42:09,191 --> 01:42:11,924 � I got to have faith, a-faith, a-faith � 1857 01:42:12,024 --> 01:42:14,091 � baby � 1858 01:42:14,191 --> 01:42:16,591 � I know you're asking me to stay � 1859 01:42:16,692 --> 01:42:18,923 � saying please, please, please, don't go away � 1860 01:42:19,025 --> 01:42:21,091 � you say I'm giving you the blues � 1861 01:42:21,192 --> 01:42:23,924 � maybe, huh � 1862 01:42:24,025 --> 01:42:26,392 � you mean every word you say � 1863 01:42:26,493 --> 01:42:28,891 � can't help but think of yesterday � 1864 01:42:28,992 --> 01:42:32,392 � and another who tied me down to loverboy rules � 1865 01:42:32,493 --> 01:42:34,725 � before this river � 1866 01:42:34,826 --> 01:42:37,491 � becomes an ocean � 1867 01:42:37,593 --> 01:42:41,058 � before you throw my heart back on the floor � 1868 01:42:41,159 --> 01:42:44,725 � oh, baby, I reconsider � 1869 01:42:44,825 --> 01:42:47,226 � my foolish notion � 1870 01:42:47,326 --> 01:42:49,393 � well, I need someone to hold me � 1871 01:42:49,493 --> 01:42:51,791 � but I'll wait for something more � 1872 01:42:51,893 --> 01:42:53,626 � yes, I got to have faith � 1873 01:42:53,726 --> 01:42:56,625 � mm, I got to have faith � 1874 01:42:56,725 --> 01:42:59,092 � because I got to have faith, a-faith, a-faith � 1875 01:42:59,193 --> 01:43:02,591 � I got to have faith, a-faith, a-faith � 1876 01:43:02,693 --> 01:43:05,027 [ intro to "this confusion" plays ] 1877 01:43:10,361 --> 01:43:13,927 � I went to the house of love � 1878 01:43:14,028 --> 01:43:17,292 � I thought it was the place I should be in � 1879 01:43:17,361 --> 01:43:20,993 � I thought I knew just where I was � 1880 01:43:21,094 --> 01:43:24,093 � but I was really lost inside myself � 1881 01:43:24,195 --> 01:43:27,926 � I've spoke to many wiser men � 1882 01:43:28,027 --> 01:43:31,227 � they talk about a brand-new day � 1883 01:43:31,326 --> 01:43:34,727 � unless you do it through and through � 1884 01:43:34,828 --> 01:43:38,227 � until my soul had gone astray � 1885 01:43:38,327 --> 01:43:40,761 � oh, lord, you've got to make me see � 1886 01:43:40,862 --> 01:43:42,594 � you got to give some � 1887 01:43:42,694 --> 01:43:45,061 � you got to point the way out � 1888 01:43:45,161 --> 01:43:47,428 � oh, lord, I want to see it through � 1889 01:43:47,528 --> 01:43:49,228 � I want to understand � 1890 01:43:49,328 --> 01:43:52,228 � I want to know who I am � 1891 01:43:52,329 --> 01:43:59,128 � lord, help me please get through this confusion � 1892 01:43:59,228 --> 01:44:04,894 � you've just got to help me through this confusion � 1893 01:44:06,362 --> 01:44:09,927 � never gonna work it out � 1894 01:44:10,028 --> 01:44:13,428 � never gonna learn a whole new song � 1895 01:44:13,529 --> 01:44:16,662 � know I'm gonna be the fool � 1896 01:44:16,762 --> 01:44:20,262 � always gonna get it all so wrong � 1897 01:44:20,362 --> 01:44:23,528 � but there is a way to go � 1898 01:44:23,630 --> 01:44:26,928 � never gonna set this world to right � 1899 01:44:27,063 --> 01:44:30,628 � until I find myself � 1900 01:44:30,730 --> 01:44:34,096 � get myself in my own sight � 1901 01:44:34,196 --> 01:44:36,329 � oh, lord, you got to make me see � 1902 01:44:36,462 --> 01:44:38,062 � you got to give some � 1903 01:44:38,164 --> 01:44:40,728 � you got to point the way out � 1904 01:44:40,830 --> 01:44:43,229 � oh, lord, I want to see it through � 1905 01:44:43,331 --> 01:44:45,063 � I want to understand � 1906 01:44:45,163 --> 01:44:47,730 � I want to know who I am � 1907 01:44:47,830 --> 01:44:54,630 � lord, help me please get through this confusion � 1908 01:44:54,731 --> 01:45:00,564 � you've just got to help me through this confusion � 127426

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