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-- Captions by vitac --
www.Vitac.Com
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Captions paid for by
tribeca entertainment, llc
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[ arshad shouting in arabic ]
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Reporter: Voices were raised
in protest today
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At the home office decision
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To allow militant egyptian
cleric arshad al-masri
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00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:06,702
Into the u.K.
For a lecture tour.
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Al-masri, seen here preaching
in pakistan,
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Is a controversial figure
both at home and abroad
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And has been linked
to extremist islamic groups.
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The reaction of the british
muslim community
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Has been mixed,
with some saying --
oh, fuck off.
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[ electronic pop music plays ]
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� never say what you can he a �
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� when voices whisper
in your ea r �
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Mommy, mommy,
mommy.
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One, two, three.
Move your arms.
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Move your arms.
Come on.
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[ speaking
indistinctly ]
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[ doorbell rings ]
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� cold comfort bound
in the night's warm air �
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That's it.
Come on.
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00:01:47,704 --> 00:01:49,470
[ doorbell rings ]
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00:01:49,571 --> 00:01:52,103
� there's someone else
in h ere �
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00:01:52,205 --> 00:01:56,504
Come on, darling.
� see it in myself �
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00:01:58,938 --> 00:02:03,837
� why don't you close
your eyes at midnight? �
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00:02:05,372 --> 00:02:07,437
Darling, he's here.
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Delivery man's here.
� why can't you close
your eyes for me? �
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00:02:16,507 --> 00:02:18,405
Is it all there?
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00:02:18,507 --> 00:02:21,370
Yeah.
Tell akhmed thank you.
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00:02:21,473 --> 00:02:23,438
[ sighs ]
32
00:02:23,538 --> 00:02:25,337
Whoa! What do you want?
What do you want?
33
00:02:25,439 --> 00:02:27,872
A jihad
on the great satan.
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00:02:27,907 --> 00:02:30,671
Well, we,
the imperialist empire --
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00:02:30,773 --> 00:02:32,872
We surrender
to your holy power.
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00:02:32,972 --> 00:02:35,038
Saamiya: I wish you wouldn't
teach her those words.
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00:02:35,139 --> 00:02:36,171
I'm not being funny,
38
00:02:36,272 --> 00:02:38,839
But does lady gaga look
like an ostrich or what?
39
00:02:38,940 --> 00:02:40,738
It'll be
absolutely brilliant.
40
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:41,904
You've got nothing
to worry about.
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00:02:42,005 --> 00:02:43,173
I'm sure the weather
will hold out.
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00:02:43,239 --> 00:02:44,338
I've already called time
on my son.
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00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,439
Oh, yeah,
I promised dad
44
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,004
I'd help him sort out
grandma's house.
45
00:02:47,073 --> 00:02:48,406
Ah, right,
right, right.
46
00:02:48,474 --> 00:02:50,039
No, no, I was
on my way out anyway.
47
00:02:50,139 --> 00:02:52,039
Make sure you carry
all the boxes, okay?
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00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:53,273
Ta, mahmud.
49
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,005
Hey, ladies.
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00:02:55,107 --> 00:02:57,605
[ music continues ]
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00:03:06,873 --> 00:03:08,773
� why don't you close
your eyes at midnight? �
what about now?
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00:03:08,874 --> 00:03:10,107
Okay, mum.
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00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:18,808
� why can't you close
your eyes for me? �
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00:03:22,008 --> 00:03:27,307
� why don't you close
your eyes at midnight? �
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00:03:29,875 --> 00:03:35,307
� you'd see the other side
of me �
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00:03:35,408 --> 00:03:38,106
� other side of me �
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00:03:38,209 --> 00:03:39,841
Whoa!
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00:03:39,942 --> 00:03:43,574
Weirdo! Aah! Weirdo! Aah!
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00:03:51,177 --> 00:03:53,174
[ wind whistling ]
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00:04:15,976 --> 00:04:17,242
I wanted to speak to you
about something.
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00:04:17,343 --> 00:04:19,442
What? Is it the --
is it the new imam?
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00:04:19,544 --> 00:04:22,243
Look, I know he's a bit
of a "trendy" --
don't do that.
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00:04:22,343 --> 00:04:24,375
Do what?
The inverted-commas thing.
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00:04:24,444 --> 00:04:27,642
Yeah. Readily, it is a bit
of a "cunty" thing to do.
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00:04:27,743 --> 00:04:29,542
[ tires squealing ]
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00:04:29,710 --> 00:04:35,009
Christ, bloody cabbies.
They think they own the road.
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00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:36,009
Look, here's the thing --
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00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:37,677
I think I know what you
really want to say. I know.
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00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:39,576
Do you?
Yeah.
70
00:04:39,677 --> 00:04:42,676
Yeah, uzma's a lovely girl,
but, you know, men --
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00:04:42,778 --> 00:04:45,777
For men, women are like
a buffet, aren't they?
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00:04:45,878 --> 00:04:47,376
You know,
you don't want to sit down
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00:04:47,478 --> 00:04:49,877
Till you've piled your plate up
as high as possible, you know,
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00:04:50,011 --> 00:04:51,376
So it's toppling
all over, you know.
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00:04:51,478 --> 00:04:54,376
You got a bit of red meat,
you got a bit of poached salmon,
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00:04:54,478 --> 00:04:56,844
A bit of turkey meat,
a bit of white meat, huh?
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00:04:56,944 --> 00:04:58,178
You get my drift?
78
00:04:58,278 --> 00:05:01,210
So, it's an all-you-can-eat
deal, this buffet, is it?
79
00:05:01,311 --> 00:05:02,310
Exactly.
80
00:05:02,411 --> 00:05:03,745
Get off.
81
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:06,277
Dad, the only woman
I'm interested in is uzma.
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00:05:06,379 --> 00:05:07,443
I don't like buffets.
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00:05:07,544 --> 00:05:09,844
I prefer sit-down meals
in restaurants.
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00:05:09,945 --> 00:05:11,545
Yeah, I know, I know,
I know, restaurants,
85
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,178
Where you always order
the same thing --
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00:05:13,278 --> 00:05:14,977
Chicken karahi with chips
and tomato sauce.
87
00:05:15,079 --> 00:05:16,478
Yeah, I do.
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00:05:16,578 --> 00:05:18,711
So next time I need a dose
of middle-aged muslim misogyny,
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00:05:18,812 --> 00:05:20,678
I will call hanif kureishi.
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00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:24,312
Dad, I need to tell you
something about the wedding,
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00:05:24,412 --> 00:05:27,711
And I just need you
to listen, you know, calmly.
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00:05:27,745 --> 00:05:30,444
Okay, all right.
Okay, you got it.
93
00:05:30,579 --> 00:05:31,578
I'm zen.
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00:05:31,679 --> 00:05:33,012
I'm gandhi.
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00:05:33,112 --> 00:05:34,911
Go. Go for it.
96
00:05:35,013 --> 00:05:36,878
Right. Well --
97
00:05:37,079 --> 00:05:40,045
[ tires squealing ]
aah! Dad!
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Stupid fuck.
99
00:05:42,813 --> 00:05:44,179
You stupid
tossing wanker!
100
00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:47,678
What's your fucking problem?
Learn to fucking drive!
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00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:49,479
[ classical music plays ]
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Wanker!
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Moron!
Fucking stupid fuckwits!
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00:05:59,512 --> 00:06:01,713
All right, where were we?
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00:06:01,815 --> 00:06:04,312
I know uzma's mum
has been in pakistan.
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00:06:04,346 --> 00:06:05,680
I'm not completely
out of the loop.
107
00:06:05,881 --> 00:06:08,113
Okay, well, um, she --
she's met someone.
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Hmm?
A man.
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00:06:10,314 --> 00:06:12,513
You know, she's obviously still
a very attractive woman,
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00:06:12,614 --> 00:06:14,445
Especially the, uh --
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00:06:14,547 --> 00:06:16,780
Would it upset you
if I said the word "tits"?
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00:06:16,881 --> 00:06:18,212
Yes.
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00:06:18,314 --> 00:06:19,946
Although I --
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00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:22,747
The point -- the point is she's
gonna get married again, right?
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00:06:22,881 --> 00:06:24,647
Yeah, I'm not surprised,
given the --
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00:06:24,748 --> 00:06:26,614
No, don't do
the tits action again.
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00:06:26,714 --> 00:06:28,214
Look, what I'm trying
to say --
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00:06:28,314 --> 00:06:29,681
When did uzma's dad
die, again?
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00:06:29,781 --> 00:06:31,380
Three years ago,
so, look --
120
00:06:31,449 --> 00:06:33,814
You know, um,
when my dad died,
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00:06:33,848 --> 00:06:36,247
I was still so young,
you know?
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00:06:36,347 --> 00:06:39,447
I didn't want mum to even look
at another man.
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00:06:39,582 --> 00:06:41,547
But now she's gone, too,
so, looking back --
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Uzma's flying out tomorrow
to pakistan
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For her mum's wedding,
right, and --
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00:06:45,248 --> 00:06:47,782
When do we meet
this new stepdad of hers?
127
00:06:47,882 --> 00:06:50,281
Well, um, they're all coming
back week after next,
128
00:06:50,382 --> 00:06:52,380
And he wants
to meet us then...
Yeah?
129
00:06:52,482 --> 00:06:55,548
...Me, mum, you.
130
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:58,548
Okay, no problems.
So, who is he?
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00:07:02,915 --> 00:07:04,181
No.
132
00:07:04,283 --> 00:07:05,948
Yeah.
133
00:07:07,682 --> 00:07:08,915
No.
134
00:07:09,017 --> 00:07:10,281
Yes.
135
00:07:11,816 --> 00:07:14,116
No!
136
00:07:14,249 --> 00:07:16,048
That's fair enough, you know,
given the --
137
00:07:16,116 --> 00:07:17,249
Shut it!
138
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:18,949
Get in here!
139
00:07:29,150 --> 00:07:31,549
Have you gone
completely mental?!
140
00:07:31,717 --> 00:07:33,682
Um, did you put
a parking permit in the car?
141
00:07:33,783 --> 00:07:35,550
Don't change the subject!
142
00:07:35,651 --> 00:07:37,649
God, isn't it enough that you
and I put on a rucksack,
143
00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:39,617
We get a whole fucking
tube carriage to ourselves?
144
00:07:39,817 --> 00:07:40,783
Dad.
145
00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:44,082
Uh, wait a minute.
I know this is in here.
146
00:07:44,184 --> 00:07:45,316
Dad, come on.
147
00:07:45,418 --> 00:07:48,216
Look at this.
Do you know why mum kept that?
148
00:07:48,317 --> 00:07:50,450
I wrote a letter
to this paper once,
149
00:07:50,551 --> 00:07:53,250
Explaining why people like us
have to stand up
150
00:07:53,351 --> 00:07:56,184
To wahhabi nutters
like your would-be dad-in-law.
151
00:07:56,285 --> 00:08:00,150
"this is an issue which should
unite all british muslims,
152
00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:03,084
Whether sunni or shite."
153
00:08:03,185 --> 00:08:05,416
Yeah, well, I wrote a letter
complaining about that,
154
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:08,117
But they didn't print it
for some reason.
Calm down. Listen.
155
00:08:08,218 --> 00:08:13,051
We need his approval,
or I can't marry uzma.
156
00:08:13,152 --> 00:08:14,218
Give me one thing.
157
00:08:14,318 --> 00:08:17,151
Give me one thing guaranteed
to make me less calm
158
00:08:17,251 --> 00:08:19,551
Than inviting
arshad al-fucking-stalin
159
00:08:19,651 --> 00:08:20,717
Into my family.
160
00:08:20,817 --> 00:08:22,285
Look.
[ truck beeping ]
161
00:08:27,952 --> 00:08:29,385
I just parked
for two minutes!
162
00:08:29,486 --> 00:08:31,552
It was two minutes!
This is my dead mum!
163
00:08:31,653 --> 00:08:33,652
My dead mum!
164
00:08:35,785 --> 00:08:39,219
Tossers!
165
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,352
I don't believe it!
166
00:08:42,486 --> 00:08:43,952
[ panting ]
167
00:08:44,052 --> 00:08:46,452
They never come
'round this way,
168
00:08:46,553 --> 00:08:48,718
Not this time
on a Thursday...
169
00:08:48,853 --> 00:08:52,719
Not unless
someone was...
170
00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:57,887
Was that you?
171
00:08:58,054 --> 00:09:00,119
You fucking...
172
00:09:00,286 --> 00:09:03,219
[ classical music plays ]
173
00:09:03,321 --> 00:09:05,286
What's your problem,
man?
174
00:09:05,386 --> 00:09:08,220
I'm trying to clear out
my dead mother's house here!
175
00:09:08,321 --> 00:09:09,652
[ speaking arabic ]
176
00:09:09,754 --> 00:09:11,886
You got something
against my family?
177
00:09:12,054 --> 00:09:13,687
Is that what it is?
178
00:09:13,788 --> 00:09:15,986
Against mini-cab owners?
179
00:09:16,087 --> 00:09:17,920
Right, yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
180
00:09:18,021 --> 00:09:20,353
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ laughs ]
181
00:09:20,453 --> 00:09:23,754
It's muslims, isn't it?
Muslims.
182
00:09:26,321 --> 00:09:27,253
Come out here.
183
00:09:27,354 --> 00:09:29,387
Stop it. Leave it.
Dad, leave it.
184
00:09:29,488 --> 00:09:31,687
Fucking come out here!
Just leave it.
185
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:34,154
All right, I'm easy. Easy.
All right, I'm calm.
186
00:09:35,655 --> 00:09:38,620
Stop! Dad, stop it!
Come here!
187
00:09:38,688 --> 00:09:40,254
It's not worth it!
Stop it!
188
00:09:40,355 --> 00:09:42,054
They think
they own the world.
189
00:09:42,155 --> 00:09:44,320
Come on. A minute ago,
it was just the road.
190
00:09:44,421 --> 00:09:46,822
I don't mean cabbies.
191
00:10:04,655 --> 00:10:06,889
The car's at the pound
in charlton street.
192
00:10:06,990 --> 00:10:10,421
I love this one.
Never knew what it meant.
193
00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:13,821
"he who looks after an orphan
shall be in paradise."
194
00:10:13,922 --> 00:10:17,022
Ah. Yep.
Yep, of course.
195
00:10:17,122 --> 00:10:20,122
Because the prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam was an orphan.
196
00:10:20,223 --> 00:10:21,490
I knew that, rashid.
197
00:10:21,590 --> 00:10:23,789
His father died
before he was born.
198
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:26,155
You know,
I've read my qur'an.
199
00:10:26,257 --> 00:10:29,523
Yeah, well, the qur'an never
actually mentions his parents.
200
00:10:29,624 --> 00:10:32,056
Anyway, dad,
here's the thing --
201
00:10:32,157 --> 00:10:34,256
I really want
to marry uzma,
202
00:10:34,357 --> 00:10:37,856
And I know her stepdad
might seem a little strict.
203
00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:39,090
Yeah.
204
00:10:39,191 --> 00:10:41,389
But we need him to think
we're proper muslims.
205
00:10:41,457 --> 00:10:44,388
[ scoffs ]
we are proper muslims.
206
00:10:44,490 --> 00:10:45,722
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
207
00:10:45,823 --> 00:10:47,524
I meant observant ones,
you know?
208
00:10:47,625 --> 00:10:49,790
Rashid, listen.
209
00:10:49,890 --> 00:10:53,424
Look, I may not say my namaz
five times a day, okay?
210
00:10:53,524 --> 00:10:55,756
I may not even,
you know, fast
211
00:10:55,858 --> 00:10:58,024
Every day
of ramadan, you know?
212
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,356
And, now and again,
213
00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:02,490
A small sip of the old pale ale
passes my lips.
214
00:11:02,591 --> 00:11:05,623
But in here, in here,
by the name of the prophet,
215
00:11:05,724 --> 00:11:09,524
Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
allah lives, okay?
216
00:11:09,624 --> 00:11:11,390
Come on.
Okay, dad.
Of course.
217
00:11:11,459 --> 00:11:13,658
I just need that
to be clear, you know?
218
00:11:13,793 --> 00:11:14,791
When the time comes,
219
00:11:14,892 --> 00:11:19,058
I think maybe it's
what they would have wanted.
220
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:23,857
[ sighs ]
you're right.
221
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:26,390
All right.
I promise, okay?
222
00:11:26,526 --> 00:11:30,692
I promise that when
fundamentalist fatty fatwa face
223
00:11:30,792 --> 00:11:31,724
Comes around...
Dad.
224
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,057
...I'll be very --
don't do that.
225
00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:34,059
I'm joking.
226
00:11:34,159 --> 00:11:37,125
I promise that
when uzma's stepdad pops by,
227
00:11:37,226 --> 00:11:39,792
I will be the best muslim
I can be.
228
00:11:39,894 --> 00:11:41,558
Hey?
Thanks, dad.
229
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:42,692
Come on.
Thanks.
230
00:11:42,726 --> 00:11:44,925
Come on,
let's finish up the job.
231
00:11:45,026 --> 00:11:48,224
Subhan'allah,
look at all this stuff.
232
00:11:48,326 --> 00:11:51,358
God, my dad's military service,
discharge certificate.
233
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,458
You got mum's
birth certificate.
234
00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:57,259
You got my birth...
235
00:11:57,359 --> 00:11:58,692
Certificate.
236
00:12:20,294 --> 00:12:21,893
Saamiya?
237
00:12:22,028 --> 00:12:23,326
Huh?
238
00:12:26,228 --> 00:12:28,860
Where's my mother now?
239
00:12:28,961 --> 00:12:31,861
In jannah.
240
00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:36,794
She's flying with your father
through the seven skies.
241
00:12:38,861 --> 00:12:40,660
My father.
242
00:12:54,928 --> 00:12:56,360
Woman:
Well, mr. Nasir,
243
00:12:56,462 --> 00:12:59,161
I think we can think
only one thing, really.
244
00:12:59,262 --> 00:13:02,360
You were adopted
at the age of 2 weeks
245
00:13:02,395 --> 00:13:07,194
From the whitechapel branch
of the waifs and strays society.
246
00:13:07,294 --> 00:13:10,828
Waifs and strays?
247
00:13:10,930 --> 00:13:13,196
What was I,
a golden retriever?
248
00:13:13,296 --> 00:13:15,861
It's now simply called
the children's society.
249
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:18,730
Right.
250
00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:22,028
So, who are
my real parents?
251
00:13:22,130 --> 00:13:24,463
Ah, we don't tend to use
the word "real"
252
00:13:24,564 --> 00:13:26,028
In these cases, mr. Nasir.
253
00:13:26,129 --> 00:13:27,962
Oh, what word
would you use?
254
00:13:28,062 --> 00:13:30,763
Would you use "lazy"
or "irresponsible"
255
00:13:30,864 --> 00:13:32,728
Or "couldn't quite be bothered
to bring me up" parents?
256
00:13:32,763 --> 00:13:35,130
"birth."
we say "the birth parents."
257
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:39,164
Ah, okay, sorry.
So who are my "birth" parents?
258
00:13:39,265 --> 00:13:40,963
Can you not do that
inverted-commas thing?
259
00:13:41,064 --> 00:13:42,362
Yes, all right.
Yes, yep.
260
00:13:42,463 --> 00:13:44,363
If you wish to trace
your real parentage,
261
00:13:44,464 --> 00:13:45,764
You will have to go
to one of the agencies
262
00:13:45,864 --> 00:13:47,297
That deal with that.
263
00:13:47,430 --> 00:13:49,029
They'll put you in touch
with a counselor...
Just the name.
264
00:13:49,131 --> 00:13:50,630
...After which --
265
00:13:50,731 --> 00:13:53,230
Just the real name,
my birth name. I need to know.
266
00:13:53,398 --> 00:13:54,964
I'm sorry,
but my hands are tied.
267
00:13:55,064 --> 00:13:56,430
Mrs. Keyes, please.
268
00:13:56,531 --> 00:14:00,497
In my culture, a man's name
is really important to him.
269
00:14:00,698 --> 00:14:02,764
I'm afraid not.
270
00:14:02,864 --> 00:14:04,031
Just --
just the first name.
271
00:14:04,131 --> 00:14:06,564
Look, you may have had
no name at all.
272
00:14:06,632 --> 00:14:08,430
Many waifs and strays
do not.
273
00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:11,431
Okay, well,
just check that, please.
274
00:14:11,531 --> 00:14:14,963
I'm -- I'm sorry I'm taking
your time, miss.
275
00:14:15,065 --> 00:14:20,130
No -- uh, you do --
did.
276
00:14:20,230 --> 00:14:21,698
So, there you go.
277
00:14:23,498 --> 00:14:26,165
Um, well, c-can you tell me
what the name was?
278
00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:28,297
I'm sorry.
I said I wouldn't tell you that.
279
00:14:28,366 --> 00:14:29,431
No, no.
No, you didn't.
280
00:14:29,532 --> 00:14:30,997
You said you wouldn't tell me
my whole name.
281
00:14:31,098 --> 00:14:32,765
Look, I can't trace anything
with just nothing!
282
00:14:32,866 --> 00:14:36,131
All right, all right.
283
00:14:36,232 --> 00:14:38,098
Will you go
if I tell you?
284
00:14:38,199 --> 00:14:41,231
Yes, I'll be happy --
really happy -- to go.
285
00:14:42,534 --> 00:14:43,965
[ sighs ]
286
00:14:44,066 --> 00:14:46,999
Well, what is it?
Is it akbar? Omar?
287
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,932
Jamal?
I've always liked "jamal."
288
00:14:50,034 --> 00:14:53,000
Solly.
289
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:56,965
Solly? Solly?
290
00:14:57,066 --> 00:15:00,065
No, there's got to be
some mistake in the records.
291
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,598
Can I just look at that,
please?
292
00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:03,299
No, you said you'd go.
Come on, please.
293
00:15:03,399 --> 00:15:05,000
That's before I knew my name
was solly.
294
00:15:05,101 --> 00:15:06,565
Now, see here.
Just have a quick look.
295
00:15:06,767 --> 00:15:09,066
Please, please, please.
Mrs. Keyes, please.
296
00:15:09,201 --> 00:15:11,233
Mr. Nasir,
I will call security.
297
00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:12,499
I need to look at it.
I need to look at it.
298
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,432
I need to look at it,
please. Thank you.
299
00:15:15,534 --> 00:15:19,033
Excuse me.
Thank you.
300
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:21,666
Shimshiz--
301
00:15:21,768 --> 00:15:23,367
I think it's pronounced
"shimshileewitz."
302
00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:26,067
Security.
Solly shimshileewitz.
303
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:27,367
Yes.
304
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:30,067
No.
305
00:15:30,134 --> 00:15:32,900
But that would mean
I was --
306
00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:35,268
I-I-I was --
307
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:36,467
Yes, mr. Nasir,
308
00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:39,534
As, indeed, it goes on to
confirm later in the document,
309
00:15:39,635 --> 00:15:43,000
In common with many people
living in this area at the time,
310
00:15:43,102 --> 00:15:44,634
You are, by birth, jewish.
311
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,068
[ laughs ]
no.
312
00:15:46,168 --> 00:15:49,000
No, but I can't be.
I mean, look at me.
313
00:15:49,101 --> 00:15:51,268
I'm so obviously not.
314
00:15:51,335 --> 00:15:52,434
[ scoffs ]
315
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,534
Well, it's not what it says
here, mr. Nasir,
316
00:15:54,637 --> 00:15:56,568
And you are also,
at the present time, leaving.
317
00:15:56,668 --> 00:15:58,300
Thank you.
Oh, what?
Give me a break.
318
00:15:58,401 --> 00:15:59,768
You find out
you're jewish,
319
00:15:59,869 --> 00:16:01,835
And suddenly some bloke in
a uniform is leading you away?
320
00:16:01,903 --> 00:16:03,000
That's ridiculous.
Come on!
321
00:16:03,102 --> 00:16:05,602
� the virgin mary
had a baby boy �
322
00:16:05,736 --> 00:16:08,935
� the virgin mary
had a baby boy �
323
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:11,535
� the virgin mary
had a baby boy �
324
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:14,401
� and they say
that his name is jesus �
325
00:16:14,503 --> 00:16:18,269
� he came from the glory �
326
00:16:18,370 --> 00:16:20,969
� he came
from the glorious kingdom �
327
00:16:21,070 --> 00:16:23,902
� he came from the glory �
328
00:16:23,969 --> 00:16:26,636
� he came
from the glorious kingdom �
329
00:16:26,738 --> 00:16:29,869
� oh, yes, believe us �
330
00:16:29,969 --> 00:16:32,970
� oh, yes, believe us �
331
00:16:33,070 --> 00:16:36,303
� he came
from the glorious kingdom �
332
00:16:36,403 --> 00:16:40,169
[ folk music plays ]
333
00:17:14,004 --> 00:17:15,738
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
334
00:17:15,839 --> 00:17:18,071
I'm sorry I drank some beer.
335
00:17:18,172 --> 00:17:23,004
I'm sorry I fancied that
pram-faced tart in tesco.
336
00:17:23,071 --> 00:17:26,405
Please just make it
not true -- please.
[ man chanting in ara bic ]
337
00:17:30,972 --> 00:17:32,605
Hello, george.
338
00:17:32,705 --> 00:17:33,805
Daniel, how are you?
339
00:17:33,906 --> 00:17:37,071
Very good. Very good.
You're looking well.
340
00:17:57,772 --> 00:18:00,139
Easy, easy!
341
00:18:00,274 --> 00:18:04,739
Excuse me. Do you mind
just watching where you're...
342
00:18:15,974 --> 00:18:18,340
Man: A fabulous track there
by cat stevens,
343
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,640
Or yusuf islam,
I should say.
344
00:18:20,740 --> 00:18:22,440
Morning, jew.
345
00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:23,773
Morning.
346
00:18:23,874 --> 00:18:25,373
What would you like
for breakfast?
347
00:18:25,508 --> 00:18:27,540
Crunchy bread.
348
00:18:27,641 --> 00:18:29,240
Sorry,
did you just say --
349
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,273
Daddy?
Yes, darling?
350
00:18:31,441 --> 00:18:33,840
Can you do up my jews?
351
00:18:35,241 --> 00:18:37,542
What are you talking about?
352
00:18:37,642 --> 00:18:40,773
Mmm. There's too much jew
in this tea.
353
00:18:40,874 --> 00:18:43,241
Sorry, did I say "tea"?
I meant "jew."
354
00:18:46,508 --> 00:18:47,441
Ah-jew!
355
00:18:47,541 --> 00:18:49,140
Ah-jew!
356
00:18:49,242 --> 00:18:52,941
Well, look,
I've got to go to work.
357
00:18:53,009 --> 00:18:55,108
[ speaking hebrew ]
358
00:18:55,209 --> 00:18:57,442
Yes, good.
359
00:18:57,542 --> 00:18:58,841
I need to study this.
360
00:19:01,375 --> 00:19:03,208
[ bell tolls ]
361
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:06,274
[ rock music playing,
people cheering ]
362
00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:08,308
[ man singing indistinctly ]
363
00:19:31,543 --> 00:19:33,075
[ snoring ]
364
00:19:33,176 --> 00:19:35,943
[ laughs ]
mahmud.
365
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,843
Mahmud!
366
00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:40,376
[ speaking arabic ]
wake up! Mahmud!
367
00:19:40,476 --> 00:19:43,976
Mahmud, wake up.
368
00:19:44,078 --> 00:19:46,377
[ laughs ]
have you been here all night?
369
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:48,043
Come, come.
Stand, stand, stand.
370
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:49,277
Oh, geez.
371
00:19:49,377 --> 00:19:51,809
You've fallen asleep.
It's okay.
372
00:19:51,911 --> 00:19:53,842
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
373
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,311
Oh, I got to go back.
374
00:19:55,411 --> 00:19:57,176
Christ,
my wife will kill me.
375
00:19:57,278 --> 00:19:59,744
[ sighs ]
376
00:19:59,844 --> 00:20:00,843
Imam...
377
00:20:00,945 --> 00:20:02,877
Yes? What?
378
00:20:02,977 --> 00:20:04,977
There's something I'd like
to talk to you about.
379
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,311
Is it about rashid
and uzma?
380
00:20:06,412 --> 00:20:08,444
I mean, I know it's
a little heavy
381
00:20:08,544 --> 00:20:11,011
That al-masri's her stepdad,
a little "wtf?"
382
00:20:11,113 --> 00:20:12,144
No. Well, yeah.
383
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,044
No, no, no.
That's not it, though.
384
00:20:14,144 --> 00:20:15,644
Here's the thing --
385
00:20:15,744 --> 00:20:19,543
I've just found out something
about myself.
386
00:20:19,645 --> 00:20:21,977
Ah, a difficult thing?
387
00:20:22,079 --> 00:20:24,078
[ sighs ]
you're telling me.
388
00:20:24,178 --> 00:20:27,745
Something that deeply challenges
your idea of yourself?
389
00:20:27,846 --> 00:20:29,477
Yes, yes, exactly.
390
00:20:29,578 --> 00:20:32,078
I think I know what it is
you're trying to tell me.
391
00:20:32,179 --> 00:20:33,377
You do?
392
00:20:33,479 --> 00:20:35,911
Yes.
You're not the first.
393
00:20:36,011 --> 00:20:37,811
Really?
No.
394
00:20:37,913 --> 00:20:40,412
I mean, the thing is, the qur'an
is pretty rigid on this.
395
00:20:40,512 --> 00:20:41,546
Yes, of course.
396
00:20:41,647 --> 00:20:44,778
But islam is about mercy
and interpretation,
397
00:20:44,879 --> 00:20:48,111
And my interpretation
is this --
398
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,944
If you're gay,
you're gay.
399
00:20:51,046 --> 00:20:52,745
Oh, for christ's sake,
no --
yeah.
400
00:20:52,846 --> 00:20:55,445
Now, now, I know
al-araf ayah 80 states
401
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:59,346
That ye who practice their lusts
upon men as opposed to women
402
00:20:59,412 --> 00:21:01,978
Rain down on them
a shower of brimstone.
403
00:21:02,079 --> 00:21:03,745
That's not actually --
it sounds bad, I know.
404
00:21:03,780 --> 00:21:06,011
But I think that brimstone
405
00:21:06,113 --> 00:21:09,513
Is already raining
down on you inside.
406
00:21:09,614 --> 00:21:10,580
Yes, but --
407
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,212
And maybe that's enough
for allah.
408
00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:13,946
No, well --
do I look like --
409
00:21:14,047 --> 00:21:18,080
Now, the punishment for this
is death by stoning,
410
00:21:18,181 --> 00:21:19,447
Some say.
411
00:21:19,547 --> 00:21:22,613
But if you read my book,
"islam: The other voices,"
412
00:21:22,713 --> 00:21:25,713
You'll find a whole host
of evidence that suggests
413
00:21:25,814 --> 00:21:27,546
That when two men...
414
00:21:27,646 --> 00:21:29,580
[ speaking indistinctly ]
415
00:21:36,513 --> 00:21:40,380
Well, have you see those
christian louboutins again?
416
00:21:40,481 --> 00:21:41,614
No.
417
00:21:41,714 --> 00:21:43,080
Well, agyness deyn
has stopped wearing them,
418
00:21:43,181 --> 00:21:45,315
So, of course,
now they're all sold out.
419
00:21:45,415 --> 00:21:47,547
To be honest, they look a bit
orthopedic boot.
420
00:21:47,648 --> 00:21:49,881
It's like having a club foot.
[ laughs ]
421
00:21:49,949 --> 00:21:54,881
Muna, mahmud didn't come home
last night.
422
00:21:54,982 --> 00:21:56,181
[ speaking indistinctly ]
423
00:21:56,282 --> 00:21:58,013
Just afraid to answer
the phone.
424
00:21:58,181 --> 00:22:00,382
The thing is, right,
my mother used to say --
425
00:22:00,482 --> 00:22:02,680
We are all hezbollah now!
426
00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:04,647
Nabi, fish fingers?
427
00:22:04,749 --> 00:22:08,015
Kill the unbelievers!
Nabi!
428
00:22:08,116 --> 00:22:10,582
The thing is,
my mother used to say
429
00:22:10,683 --> 00:22:13,981
That when men's mothers die,
they go a bit...Mental.
430
00:22:14,082 --> 00:22:15,916
They're
midlife-crisis-y.
431
00:22:16,017 --> 00:22:20,248
Hmm. Well, has he
recently got a motorbike?
432
00:22:20,349 --> 00:22:21,248
No.
433
00:22:21,350 --> 00:22:22,581
Tattoo?
No.
434
00:22:22,682 --> 00:22:24,281
Back wax?
I wish.
435
00:22:24,382 --> 00:22:26,449
Well, what
about the other thing
436
00:22:26,550 --> 00:22:28,449
That midlife crisis-y
men do?
437
00:22:28,549 --> 00:22:30,015
No.
438
00:22:30,115 --> 00:22:33,382
Honestly.
I read about it in grazia.
439
00:22:33,482 --> 00:22:36,116
What you have to do is,
when he comes back,
440
00:22:36,217 --> 00:22:39,115
Keep an eye out for anything
which might suggest
441
00:22:39,217 --> 00:22:43,716
He's been near
somebody else's perfume.
442
00:22:43,817 --> 00:22:46,182
You think
he would actually --
443
00:22:46,283 --> 00:22:48,550
[ snickers ]
444
00:22:48,650 --> 00:22:50,282
Of course not!
445
00:22:50,383 --> 00:22:53,183
This is mahmud
we're talking about!
446
00:22:53,285 --> 00:22:55,716
[ door opens, closes ]
447
00:22:58,118 --> 00:22:59,183
Mahmud?
448
00:22:59,285 --> 00:23:01,716
I need to take a shower.
449
00:23:06,618 --> 00:23:09,517
Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew!
450
00:23:09,618 --> 00:23:11,751
Aah!
451
00:23:11,851 --> 00:23:15,518
So, I'm dying to know.
How was the big day?
452
00:23:15,618 --> 00:23:16,983
I don't know.
453
00:23:17,050 --> 00:23:19,284
It was a weird wedding --
454
00:23:19,386 --> 00:23:21,817
Catering by al-qaeda.
455
00:23:21,918 --> 00:23:24,817
Check out
their bridesmaids' quarters.
456
00:23:29,653 --> 00:23:31,184
Oh, jesus.
457
00:23:31,286 --> 00:23:34,484
I'm still hoping for an upgrade
to a room in abu ghraib.
458
00:23:34,586 --> 00:23:36,717
[ lau ghs ]
459
00:23:36,819 --> 00:23:38,753
So, how did it go
with your dad?
460
00:23:38,853 --> 00:23:39,919
Actually not bad,
you know?
461
00:23:40,020 --> 00:23:41,551
He seemed to take it
quite seriously.
462
00:23:41,652 --> 00:23:43,084
And I'm keeping him sweet.
463
00:23:43,185 --> 00:23:46,219
I found this clip of this '80s
pop star he likes, right?
464
00:23:46,319 --> 00:23:48,084
And -- wow!
465
00:23:48,186 --> 00:23:51,685
Dad, you look great.
Doesn't he look great?
466
00:23:51,786 --> 00:23:53,584
[ lau ghs ]
467
00:23:53,719 --> 00:23:55,586
Mr. Nasir,
you look lovely.
468
00:23:55,686 --> 00:23:57,185
Thank you.
Thank you.
469
00:23:57,253 --> 00:23:59,685
Um, can I use my computer,
please?
470
00:23:59,787 --> 00:24:01,619
Yeah.
Bye, darling.
471
00:24:01,719 --> 00:24:03,652
Bye, rashid.
I love you.
472
00:24:03,719 --> 00:24:07,219
And, mr. Nasir,
thank you so much.
473
00:24:08,954 --> 00:24:11,020
Dad, look at this.
474
00:24:11,121 --> 00:24:12,185
It's a "support palestine"
rally
475
00:24:12,287 --> 00:24:14,486
That uzma's stepdad's
gonna be talking at next week.
476
00:24:14,553 --> 00:24:17,252
I thought we should go,
you know, show willing, hmm?
477
00:24:17,352 --> 00:24:19,652
Is the bloke with the hook
gonna be there?
478
00:24:19,753 --> 00:24:21,119
You know I'm fond of him.
479
00:24:21,221 --> 00:24:24,919
Dad, it's a just cause,
one we all believe in.
480
00:24:25,020 --> 00:24:26,987
Oh, of course, yeah.
I'll definitely be there.
481
00:24:27,087 --> 00:24:29,953
Okay. Oh, I forgot to show you
something. Hang on.
482
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,954
[ electronic pop music play s ]
483
00:24:34,621 --> 00:24:36,221
Eh?
484
00:24:36,321 --> 00:24:38,354
I've never seen this.
485
00:24:38,454 --> 00:24:39,620
It's your favorite.
486
00:24:39,721 --> 00:24:40,820
Gary page.
487
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,555
So, what happened
to him, anyway?
488
00:24:43,655 --> 00:24:44,987
Oh, I don't know.
489
00:24:45,088 --> 00:24:49,986
He died or disappeared
or something about 10 years ago.
490
00:24:50,088 --> 00:24:52,820
Stop! Stop!
Stop, you fucking idiots!
491
00:24:52,923 --> 00:24:55,587
You morons!
492
00:24:55,687 --> 00:24:57,355
I always go
to sleep at midnight.
493
00:24:57,455 --> 00:24:59,188
It's when I fucking close
my eyes, isn't it?
494
00:24:59,288 --> 00:25:01,520
Fuck off, you fucking paki!
495
00:25:01,622 --> 00:25:02,555
[ crowd boo ing ]
oh, god.
496
00:25:02,655 --> 00:25:03,821
Dad, I'm sorry.
497
00:25:03,923 --> 00:25:05,654
I hadn't watched it
that far.
498
00:25:05,755 --> 00:25:07,222
[ indistinct shouti ng ]
499
00:25:11,555 --> 00:25:15,554
I always knew
he was a psycho.
500
00:25:15,656 --> 00:25:17,021
Okay, so, um --
501
00:25:17,122 --> 00:25:18,288
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.
502
00:25:18,357 --> 00:25:20,388
Thank you.
503
00:25:20,489 --> 00:25:22,889
Okay.
[ sighs ]
504
00:25:56,057 --> 00:25:58,023
[ scoffs ]
505
00:26:37,859 --> 00:26:39,224
What are you doing?
506
00:26:39,324 --> 00:26:40,658
Nothing.
507
00:26:40,759 --> 00:26:43,458
I just was wondering
if I should, uh,
508
00:26:43,559 --> 00:26:46,057
Order a new suit
for the wedding.
509
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:47,958
You know,
what should I buy?
510
00:26:48,059 --> 00:26:50,924
Um, I don't know.
Hmm.
511
00:26:51,025 --> 00:26:53,858
Where were you last night?
512
00:26:53,959 --> 00:26:57,825
Last night, I-I stayed
at my mother's house again,
513
00:26:57,927 --> 00:27:02,558
Yeah, just thinking,
praying...
514
00:27:02,660 --> 00:27:05,292
And stuff.
515
00:27:05,393 --> 00:27:08,193
All right.
[ clears throat ]
516
00:27:11,726 --> 00:27:14,126
Wasif: Any driver at all --
cricklewood?
517
00:27:14,228 --> 00:27:16,859
Sharif: Oh, um, I got
some blokes with a van.
518
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,260
You know,
you said sort it,
519
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,126
To move some boxes
from your mum's.
520
00:27:20,227 --> 00:27:21,393
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
521
00:27:21,494 --> 00:27:22,625
Thank you, sharif.
Thank you. Sorry.
522
00:27:22,728 --> 00:27:23,593
It's all right.
It's okay.
523
00:27:23,761 --> 00:27:26,293
Sharif?
Yeah?
524
00:27:26,393 --> 00:27:28,226
We're all friends,
aren't we?
525
00:27:28,327 --> 00:27:29,527
Yeah.
526
00:27:29,628 --> 00:27:32,160
I mean, we can tell
each other anything.
527
00:27:32,260 --> 00:27:33,960
I hope so.
528
00:27:37,761 --> 00:27:39,227
It's good to know.
529
00:27:44,461 --> 00:27:46,394
[ indistinct conversations ]
530
00:27:51,162 --> 00:27:53,527
That david schwimmer --
531
00:27:53,595 --> 00:27:56,694
He's, uh, jewish, isn't he?
532
00:27:56,863 --> 00:27:58,660
He's got enough money
to be, boss.
533
00:27:58,695 --> 00:28:00,627
[ laughs ]
that's it, wasif.
534
00:28:00,729 --> 00:28:03,760
Yeah, you're right, yeah --
rich, jewish...Wankers.
535
00:28:03,861 --> 00:28:06,194
They're all jews
on american tv.
536
00:28:06,295 --> 00:28:09,061
On tv? The whole country's
run by jews.
537
00:28:09,162 --> 00:28:11,929
It's basically
the United States of israel.
538
00:28:12,030 --> 00:28:13,828
Exactly, yeah.
539
00:28:13,896 --> 00:28:15,428
Yeah, bloody jews.
540
00:28:15,528 --> 00:28:17,062
I don't know
about all that.
541
00:28:17,096 --> 00:28:19,161
They're people of the book,
aren't they?
542
00:28:19,262 --> 00:28:21,728
Yeah, people of the checkbook,
more like.
543
00:28:21,829 --> 00:28:24,694
[ laughter ]
that's funny.
544
00:28:24,796 --> 00:28:26,796
That's a good one --
the people of the checkbook.
545
00:28:26,896 --> 00:28:29,762
[ laughing ]
546
00:28:35,997 --> 00:28:37,195
Oh, that's --
mahmud?
547
00:28:37,430 --> 00:28:40,262
Yeah?
You all right?
548
00:28:40,362 --> 00:28:42,696
Yeah, you know,
it was a good one. Yeah.
549
00:28:42,763 --> 00:28:47,596
Anyway, uh, very good.
Keep up the good work.
550
00:28:47,696 --> 00:28:51,463
Jew scum!
551
00:28:55,197 --> 00:28:56,997
[ man speaking on radio ]
552
00:28:57,097 --> 00:28:58,596
It's here on the left.
553
00:28:58,798 --> 00:29:01,230
I put the cones
to reserve the space.
554
00:29:31,399 --> 00:29:33,464
[ doorbell ringing ]
555
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,931
You got really fucking --
I knew I shouldn't have rubbed
that fucking lamp.
556
00:29:48,033 --> 00:29:49,665
You american?
557
00:29:49,765 --> 00:29:51,931
[ british accent ] nah, I'm a --
I'm a cockney sparrow.
558
00:29:51,999 --> 00:29:54,299
Come on, move your cab.
[ normal voice ]
beg your pardon?
559
00:29:54,367 --> 00:29:56,532
What happened to that
famed islamic politeness?
560
00:29:56,633 --> 00:29:58,864
You saw the space was marked.
Move your fucking cab!
561
00:29:58,965 --> 00:30:00,567
Well, great. I've lived here
for 15 years!
562
00:30:00,667 --> 00:30:02,398
I'll park
wherever I want to park!
563
00:30:02,499 --> 00:30:04,666
Just move it up a bit further
up the road, all right?
564
00:30:04,766 --> 00:30:06,400
I like that space.
I always park there.
565
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:07,999
Oh, yeah, yeah, I see,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
566
00:30:08,099 --> 00:30:10,932
Yeah, it's a bit like the
occupied territories, isn't it?
567
00:30:11,034 --> 00:30:12,665
Oh, here it is!
Here it comes!
568
00:30:12,766 --> 00:30:14,465
The anti-semitic stuff!
You heard it here first!
569
00:30:14,566 --> 00:30:16,133
I'm not being
anti-semitic.
Oh, no?
570
00:30:16,234 --> 00:30:17,566
What else you want
to call me, huh?
571
00:30:17,666 --> 00:30:18,932
Hymie? Kike? Huh?
Bagel breath?
572
00:30:19,033 --> 00:30:21,799
Bollocks.
4x2? Neocon?
573
00:30:21,933 --> 00:30:23,466
No, no, no. No, no, no.
I'm not being anti-semitic.
574
00:30:23,567 --> 00:30:25,400
Yeah? Yeah?
I can't be.
575
00:30:25,500 --> 00:30:28,199
Yeah? Why not?
Because I'm a fucking jew!
576
00:30:30,801 --> 00:30:32,533
I'm a jew.
577
00:30:32,634 --> 00:30:35,199
Shit!
578
00:30:35,300 --> 00:30:37,100
Don't you dare tell anyone.
579
00:30:37,201 --> 00:30:38,599
I'm the shoe bomber.
Pleasure to meet you.
580
00:30:38,700 --> 00:30:42,333
No, listen to me. I just found
out I'm adopted by muslims.
581
00:30:42,434 --> 00:30:46,535
My real parents...
Are jews.
582
00:30:46,635 --> 00:30:49,633
[ laughs, snorts ]
583
00:30:49,735 --> 00:30:50,900
Is that funny?
584
00:30:51,001 --> 00:30:53,333
Why should I believe you?
585
00:30:53,434 --> 00:30:55,234
Why the fuck
should I make it up?
586
00:30:55,335 --> 00:30:57,701
Well, that's a point.
Yeah.
587
00:30:57,802 --> 00:30:59,900
No point in asking you to drop
your pants, because --
588
00:31:00,002 --> 00:31:01,334
Because circumcised?
No, we all are.
589
00:31:01,435 --> 00:31:03,134
Are you? We all are.
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
590
00:31:04,569 --> 00:31:06,701
I know.
Word association.
591
00:31:06,802 --> 00:31:07,868
Nah, what are you
talking about?
592
00:31:07,970 --> 00:31:09,167
Come on, word association.
What for?
593
00:31:09,269 --> 00:31:11,168
Car.
[ sighs ]
594
00:31:11,268 --> 00:31:12,302
Volvo.
595
00:31:12,403 --> 00:31:13,435
Right on.
596
00:31:13,535 --> 00:31:14,534
Uh, happy.
597
00:31:14,634 --> 00:31:16,434
Ish.
598
00:31:16,536 --> 00:31:18,068
Two out of three.
599
00:31:18,168 --> 00:31:20,501
Crystal.
600
00:31:20,602 --> 00:31:21,835
Nacht.
601
00:31:21,935 --> 00:31:23,534
Wow. Even I would have said,
"palace."
602
00:31:23,637 --> 00:31:25,235
Still,
I don't know why --
yeah, but listen.
603
00:31:25,335 --> 00:31:26,335
Listen, listen,
listen to me.
604
00:31:26,436 --> 00:31:28,336
My real name --
well, my "birth" name...
605
00:31:28,469 --> 00:31:29,435
Please don't do that.
606
00:31:29,535 --> 00:31:32,801
...Is solly shimshileewitz.
607
00:31:32,902 --> 00:31:34,069
Solly shimshileewitz?
608
00:31:34,169 --> 00:31:35,735
Now do you believe me?
609
00:31:35,836 --> 00:31:37,635
Why didn't they just call you
jewy jewjewjewjew
610
00:31:37,736 --> 00:31:39,003
And be done with it?
611
00:31:39,103 --> 00:31:41,302
It was nice talking to you,
all right? Fine.
612
00:31:41,402 --> 00:31:44,569
That's almost as jewy a name
as izzy shimshileewitz.
613
00:31:44,670 --> 00:31:46,035
What did you say?
614
00:31:46,136 --> 00:31:48,436
Izzy shimshileewitz -- used
to live around here years ago.
615
00:31:48,537 --> 00:31:50,503
There's an izzy shimshileewitz?
Well, where is he?
616
00:31:50,604 --> 00:31:51,935
Is he still alive?
Where is he?
617
00:31:52,103 --> 00:31:53,804
Fuck knows.
618
00:31:53,972 --> 00:31:55,237
Where are you going?
619
00:31:55,305 --> 00:31:56,636
To move my cab.
620
00:31:56,737 --> 00:31:58,169
What, 'cause you
just find out --
621
00:31:58,238 --> 00:32:00,237
Yeah, welcome
to the worldwide conspiracy.
622
00:32:03,604 --> 00:32:04,603
Would you like a chip?
623
00:32:04,704 --> 00:32:06,436
Got one.
624
00:32:06,538 --> 00:32:07,604
[ booing ]
625
00:32:07,704 --> 00:32:09,405
[ doorbell ringing ]
626
00:32:15,738 --> 00:32:17,970
Yes?
627
00:32:18,071 --> 00:32:21,537
I called earlier
about izzy shimshileewitz.
628
00:32:21,571 --> 00:32:25,104
You the guy that phoned five
of the jewish old-age homes?
629
00:32:25,205 --> 00:32:27,837
Uh, yeah.
How did you know?
630
00:32:27,939 --> 00:32:29,637
'cause we jewish old-age homes
631
00:32:29,738 --> 00:32:32,071
Share info
for security purposes.
632
00:32:32,172 --> 00:32:33,971
We're very tight
on that stuff,
633
00:32:34,105 --> 00:32:35,338
Us jewish old-age homes --
634
00:32:35,439 --> 00:32:37,604
Very tight.
635
00:32:56,340 --> 00:32:57,539
Dad?
636
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,305
No!
I don't think so.
637
00:33:00,405 --> 00:33:03,072
Firstly,
you appear to be...Muslim.
638
00:33:03,173 --> 00:33:04,739
Yeah, all right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
639
00:33:04,839 --> 00:33:05,838
A-a-a-and secondly,
640
00:33:05,939 --> 00:33:07,207
I'm perhaps five years younger
than you.
641
00:33:07,308 --> 00:33:09,006
Yes, you're right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
642
00:33:09,106 --> 00:33:11,805
Yes.
643
00:33:11,908 --> 00:33:14,373
Is izzy shimshileewitz
in there?
644
00:33:14,473 --> 00:33:16,439
Yes.
645
00:33:16,539 --> 00:33:18,440
Can I go in, please?
Yeah, I-I-I'm afraid not.
646
00:33:18,540 --> 00:33:20,739
No, you don't understand.
647
00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:24,139
I'm his son...I think.
648
00:33:24,241 --> 00:33:26,440
Do you have some sort
of syndrome?
649
00:33:26,540 --> 00:33:28,806
No, no, no, no.
My real parents are jews.
650
00:33:28,908 --> 00:33:30,173
I was adopted.
651
00:33:30,274 --> 00:33:32,907
I've just found out my birth
name is shimshileewitz.
652
00:33:33,008 --> 00:33:34,207
Really?
653
00:33:34,308 --> 00:33:36,173
What, and you're definitely
isaac's son, are you?
654
00:33:36,274 --> 00:33:38,940
Yes, yes.
Well, I mean, I must be.
655
00:33:39,041 --> 00:33:40,373
Look, I'm sorry,
656
00:33:40,475 --> 00:33:41,807
But as mr. Shimshileewitz's
rabbi,
657
00:33:41,908 --> 00:33:43,139
I have to think
of his welfare first.
658
00:33:43,242 --> 00:33:44,374
He's a really sick man now.
659
00:33:44,474 --> 00:33:46,940
Well, then, you have
to let me in.
Look at you.
660
00:33:47,041 --> 00:33:49,074
A muslim son?
He's an observant jew.
661
00:33:49,176 --> 00:33:50,873
It would kill him
stone dead.
662
00:33:50,974 --> 00:33:52,873
[ sighs ]
what do I do?
663
00:33:52,974 --> 00:33:55,708
What do you know
about jews?
664
00:33:55,808 --> 00:33:58,740
They've got big noses.
665
00:33:59,909 --> 00:34:02,273
They like money.
666
00:34:02,374 --> 00:34:06,307
Oh, they do.
667
00:34:06,410 --> 00:34:08,674
Okay, so,
the answer is "nothing."
668
00:34:08,774 --> 00:34:10,941
Look, what you need to do,
and quickly,
669
00:34:11,042 --> 00:34:14,575
Is think about what it means
to be a jew.
670
00:34:14,676 --> 00:34:18,874
And then...We'll think
about letting you in.
671
00:34:21,144 --> 00:34:23,508
By the way,
when you thought I was your dad,
672
00:34:23,609 --> 00:34:24,909
Like a shriveled old man,
673
00:34:25,010 --> 00:34:27,042
Was it because of
the hairless thing,
674
00:34:27,144 --> 00:34:29,075
Because that is genetic,
okay?
675
00:34:29,176 --> 00:34:31,209
Right.
676
00:34:31,309 --> 00:34:33,609
[ monitor beeping ]
677
00:34:41,911 --> 00:34:43,842
[ door opens ]
678
00:34:45,944 --> 00:34:49,609
Dodi, you've come back
from the dead.
679
00:34:49,711 --> 00:34:51,577
Can I come in, please?
680
00:35:06,377 --> 00:35:08,110
[ tea kettle whistling ]
681
00:35:14,745 --> 00:35:17,744
[ whistling stops ]
682
00:35:25,645 --> 00:35:27,978
[ "la bamba" plays ]
683
00:35:31,978 --> 00:35:33,111
[ music stops ]
684
00:35:33,211 --> 00:35:36,076
[ music resumes ]
685
00:35:36,178 --> 00:35:39,045
[ music stops ]
686
00:35:39,145 --> 00:35:40,078
Two sugars.
687
00:35:40,179 --> 00:35:42,110
Thank you.
[ clears throat ]
688
00:35:42,212 --> 00:35:46,311
Look...
I don't know your name.
689
00:35:46,412 --> 00:35:48,512
Leonard --
leonard goldberg.
690
00:35:48,613 --> 00:35:51,445
"lenny" to my very few friends.
Chaser?
691
00:35:51,546 --> 00:35:52,679
No, I don't drink.
692
00:35:52,811 --> 00:35:54,011
Right. Of course.
693
00:35:54,113 --> 00:35:56,844
Me, I've recently developed
a taste for it.
694
00:35:56,946 --> 00:36:01,078
Mm. So, uh...Jews.
695
00:36:04,180 --> 00:36:05,646
Yeah?
696
00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:08,946
Tell me about them.
697
00:36:09,047 --> 00:36:11,879
[ laughs ]
okay.
698
00:36:11,979 --> 00:36:16,346
Uh, well, let's see.
Where shall we start?
699
00:36:16,447 --> 00:36:17,845
I know.
700
00:36:17,980 --> 00:36:22,313
Let's start with me,
the archetype, the american jew,
701
00:36:22,414 --> 00:36:24,545
As american as knish
and "seinfeld"
702
00:36:24,647 --> 00:36:26,746
And slavish support
for israel.
703
00:36:26,847 --> 00:36:29,113
You know,
like my fellow countrymen,
704
00:36:29,213 --> 00:36:31,712
I didn't think
there were any other jews
705
00:36:31,813 --> 00:36:35,079
In the whole fucking world,
especially not britain --
706
00:36:35,180 --> 00:36:37,180
Britain,
land of hope and pork.
707
00:36:37,281 --> 00:36:39,979
A jew in britain --
I mean, that's just weird.
708
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:43,146
That's like an american driving
a hackney carriage,
709
00:36:43,247 --> 00:36:45,413
[ british accent ] or a yank
with the knowledge.
710
00:36:45,513 --> 00:36:47,980
What's the bloody world
coming to?
711
00:36:48,049 --> 00:36:49,746
[ normal voice ]
but no.
712
00:36:49,815 --> 00:36:51,147
In london alone, you've got
713
00:36:51,248 --> 00:36:53,580
Your hampstead
liberal intellectual jew.
714
00:36:53,681 --> 00:36:56,347
You've got your peter
secular accountant jew.
715
00:36:56,415 --> 00:36:59,114
You've got your hendon
orthodox lawyer jew,
716
00:36:59,216 --> 00:37:03,147
And scum of kosher scum,
your essex jews,
717
00:37:03,216 --> 00:37:06,515
Of which heritage
my recently ex-wife,
718
00:37:06,616 --> 00:37:09,248
Who, by the way, in case you
were wondering, is the reason
719
00:37:09,349 --> 00:37:11,682
Why I came to this fucking
country in the first place
720
00:37:11,782 --> 00:37:16,281
And why I know so much
about its...Jews.
721
00:37:16,382 --> 00:37:18,415
Knish?
722
00:37:18,682 --> 00:37:20,481
A doughy, kosher,
deep-fried dumpling.
723
00:37:20,582 --> 00:37:22,682
And then you've got
your israeli jews --
724
00:37:22,782 --> 00:37:24,915
You know, jews without angst,
without guilt,
725
00:37:25,016 --> 00:37:26,515
Who really are not jews
at all,
726
00:37:26,616 --> 00:37:28,848
[ laughing ] and then, of
course, your jews for jesus.
727
00:37:28,949 --> 00:37:31,348
What in the fuck
is that all about?
[ telephone rings ]
728
00:37:31,448 --> 00:37:33,216
Hello?
729
00:37:33,317 --> 00:37:34,614
Yeah, yeah, adam.
730
00:37:34,716 --> 00:37:37,749
No, no, no, I'm gonna --
I'm gonna -- I'm gonna pick --
731
00:37:37,850 --> 00:37:39,715
Wh-wh-what? Why?
732
00:37:39,816 --> 00:37:42,049
Oh, christ, why?
733
00:37:42,149 --> 00:37:44,749
Adam, you -- you --
you know what?
734
00:37:44,850 --> 00:37:47,115
Fuck off,
you little shit.
735
00:37:50,783 --> 00:37:52,583
Right. Well, I-I guess
I've got to get --
736
00:37:52,684 --> 00:37:56,183
That was my --
my useless, flaky son.
737
00:37:56,283 --> 00:38:00,183
Supposed to go to a bar mitzvah
with him on Saturday.
738
00:38:00,284 --> 00:38:02,849
Now -- now I got
nobody to go with.
739
00:38:02,950 --> 00:38:06,782
It's just I hate going
to those things alone, you know,
740
00:38:06,884 --> 00:38:10,316
All those jews jewing it up
in public, you know?
741
00:38:10,418 --> 00:38:12,417
[ clears throat ]
742
00:38:14,851 --> 00:38:16,883
What, you? You?
743
00:38:16,985 --> 00:38:18,150
Mm-hmm.
744
00:38:18,252 --> 00:38:20,416
[ laughs ] go --
go to a bar mitzvah with you,
745
00:38:20,518 --> 00:38:24,316
Osama bin liner,
ali bongo, captain muslim?
746
00:38:24,417 --> 00:38:26,318
No, no, no. Come on.
I can -- I can blend in.
747
00:38:26,450 --> 00:38:27,884
You know?
748
00:38:30,352 --> 00:38:32,483
You call that a shrug?
It's a shrug.
749
00:38:32,585 --> 00:38:33,750
That's not a shrug.
750
00:38:33,852 --> 00:38:35,285
That's blending in.
751
00:38:35,385 --> 00:38:37,918
Look,
you want to be a jew?
752
00:38:38,018 --> 00:38:42,451
Palms up, shoulders,
then the sad doggy eyes.
753
00:38:42,685 --> 00:38:44,517
[ moaning ]
754
00:38:44,618 --> 00:38:47,618
[ folk music plays ]
755
00:38:58,752 --> 00:39:00,018
� hey �
756
00:39:17,188 --> 00:39:18,786
� hey �
757
00:39:24,254 --> 00:39:25,453
� hey �
758
00:39:37,554 --> 00:39:38,987
Oy.
759
00:39:40,887 --> 00:39:43,486
Oy.
760
00:39:43,555 --> 00:39:45,087
Hmm?
761
00:39:45,188 --> 00:39:47,020
Oy.
762
00:40:32,323 --> 00:40:34,287
Oy.
Oy.
763
00:40:34,388 --> 00:40:36,056
Oy.
Oy.
764
00:40:36,157 --> 00:40:37,589
Oy.
Oy.
765
00:40:37,689 --> 00:40:39,221
Oy.
766
00:40:50,557 --> 00:40:53,756
[ classical music pl ays ]
767
00:40:58,590 --> 00:41:00,921
Doesn't it just make you
want to put
768
00:41:01,024 --> 00:41:03,256
All your possessions
in a wooden cart
769
00:41:03,356 --> 00:41:05,556
And pull them
sadly and slowly away
770
00:41:05,656 --> 00:41:07,257
From your burning village?
771
00:41:13,225 --> 00:41:15,389
[ folk music plays ]
772
00:41:26,424 --> 00:41:28,291
� hey �
773
00:41:40,059 --> 00:41:41,858
Oy!
774
00:41:43,859 --> 00:41:45,058
Oy.
775
00:41:45,158 --> 00:41:46,625
That's it.
776
00:41:49,726 --> 00:41:51,792
Yes!
777
00:41:51,893 --> 00:41:56,257
Fucking get in there!
Come on!
778
00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:59,426
Great.
Now let's move on to "vey."
779
00:42:10,894 --> 00:42:12,424
Saamiya: Mahmud?
780
00:42:12,526 --> 00:42:14,592
[ door opens ]
781
00:42:14,694 --> 00:42:16,158
I need to call rashid.
He's --
782
00:42:16,260 --> 00:42:17,558
Hey, how you doing?
783
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:19,226
Ah, you look smart.
784
00:42:19,326 --> 00:42:21,593
Thanks.
I'm going out later.
785
00:42:21,693 --> 00:42:23,025
Okay.
786
00:42:23,126 --> 00:42:26,459
Yeah, it's a work to-do.
It's, uh, sharif's 60th.
787
00:42:26,561 --> 00:42:27,960
Nice.
788
00:42:28,061 --> 00:42:29,492
Hey, you look --
789
00:42:29,593 --> 00:42:32,093
What?
Fatter? Bigger?
790
00:42:32,193 --> 00:42:34,225
More rounded? Fat? Fat?
791
00:42:34,327 --> 00:42:36,293
No, you look great.
I was gonna say you look great.
792
00:42:36,394 --> 00:42:37,959
[ laughs ]
793
00:42:38,060 --> 00:42:40,793
Anyway, I came to tell you that
rashid's going on this rally
794
00:42:40,894 --> 00:42:42,360
That al-masri's
speaking at.
795
00:42:42,460 --> 00:42:43,626
Oh, shit.
796
00:42:43,727 --> 00:42:45,394
I promised him I'd go.
I've got to --
797
00:42:45,461 --> 00:42:49,760
Mahmud, we haven't
even talked about how this --
798
00:42:49,861 --> 00:42:52,160
This...Terrifying shithead
799
00:42:52,194 --> 00:42:54,160
Is gonna become
part of our family.
800
00:42:54,262 --> 00:42:55,626
Ah.
[ scoffs ]
801
00:42:55,727 --> 00:42:58,694
Saamiya, look --
he comes around, okay?
802
00:42:58,795 --> 00:43:01,027
We meet him,
he gives his blessing,
803
00:43:01,129 --> 00:43:03,893
And just we sort it out
for rashid and uzma.
804
00:43:03,995 --> 00:43:05,127
That's it.
805
00:43:05,228 --> 00:43:07,628
And besides,
this arshad guy -- come on.
806
00:43:07,729 --> 00:43:09,494
How meshugga can he be?
807
00:43:09,528 --> 00:43:11,694
Sorry?
808
00:43:11,830 --> 00:43:13,861
How many, you know,
809
00:43:13,962 --> 00:43:18,261
Sugars short of a very sweet cup
of tea...Can he be?
810
00:43:18,396 --> 00:43:19,494
You know, mahmud,
811
00:43:19,595 --> 00:43:22,095
I never thought I would end up
with a guy
812
00:43:22,195 --> 00:43:23,662
Who thinks he looks good
813
00:43:23,762 --> 00:43:26,628
In a tottenham hotspur shirt
and a pair of chadees,
814
00:43:26,696 --> 00:43:29,661
Who teaches our 4-year-old
daughter extremist language,
815
00:43:29,763 --> 00:43:34,128
And rather than get up
from the tv, urinates in a cup.
816
00:43:34,229 --> 00:43:35,395
That only happened
the once.
817
00:43:35,496 --> 00:43:37,396
Mm --
my "world's best mum" cup
818
00:43:37,496 --> 00:43:39,461
That rashid gave me
when he was 10.
819
00:43:39,630 --> 00:43:41,494
I forgot to clean it.
820
00:43:41,596 --> 00:43:42,962
But none of that matters,
821
00:43:43,063 --> 00:43:44,996
Because the only thing
that matters
822
00:43:45,097 --> 00:43:47,361
Between a husband and a wife
is honesty.
823
00:43:47,462 --> 00:43:50,062
And you've always promised
to be honest to me.
824
00:43:50,163 --> 00:43:54,063
And I've always believed
that promise.
825
00:43:54,164 --> 00:43:55,996
Should I?
826
00:43:58,564 --> 00:44:01,062
Of course.
827
00:44:01,163 --> 00:44:02,896
Of course.
[ electronic pop music plays ]
828
00:44:11,231 --> 00:44:14,963
� I saw you walking
with your new love �
829
00:44:17,965 --> 00:44:21,498
� your mind as black
as a loaded gun �
830
00:44:24,532 --> 00:44:28,197
� so was it the truth when
you said it was true love? �
831
00:44:30,832 --> 00:44:34,531
� I thought
that I was the chosen one �
832
00:44:37,732 --> 00:44:40,598
[ singing indistinctly ]
833
00:44:49,898 --> 00:44:51,532
Hey.
Dad, you made it.
834
00:44:51,633 --> 00:44:53,532
Yeah,
I wouldn't miss this.
835
00:44:53,632 --> 00:44:55,431
What time
is al-masri on?
836
00:44:55,531 --> 00:44:57,498
Well, there's a rumor
going around
837
00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:00,731
That he's been banned by the
organizers at the last minute,
838
00:45:00,834 --> 00:45:03,266
Which some people
aren't too happy about.
839
00:45:03,366 --> 00:45:05,463
[ scoffs ]
well, I can see that.
840
00:45:05,565 --> 00:45:07,465
It's hot, though,
isn't it?
841
00:45:07,567 --> 00:45:10,064
Yeah.
842
00:45:10,166 --> 00:45:11,232
Whew.
843
00:45:16,900 --> 00:45:20,397
Dad, what is that
on your head?
844
00:45:31,766 --> 00:45:34,465
I've brought this
for one reason
845
00:45:34,567 --> 00:45:37,099
And one reason alone!
846
00:45:39,501 --> 00:45:41,132
[ crowd chanting
"burn it" ]
847
00:45:41,235 --> 00:45:42,900
[ shouting indistinctly ]
848
00:45:46,435 --> 00:45:49,268
Ow! Ow!
849
00:46:03,134 --> 00:46:06,866
Lenny: Okay, last run-through
of things not to mention --
850
00:46:06,968 --> 00:46:09,335
Hitler, "protocols
of the elders of zion,"
851
00:46:09,435 --> 00:46:11,934
Hitler, the fact that you're
actually a muslim.
852
00:46:12,002 --> 00:46:13,601
Oh, well, hey, well,
what about prayers?
853
00:46:13,701 --> 00:46:16,101
There may be one or two,
but when in doubt, just do this.
854
00:46:16,202 --> 00:46:18,201
[ mumbling ]
855
00:46:18,302 --> 00:46:20,102
That's it?
Yeah.
856
00:46:20,202 --> 00:46:21,967
Okay.
857
00:46:22,069 --> 00:46:23,501
Have you memorized
some yiddish?
858
00:46:23,636 --> 00:46:25,069
Yeah, but just a few.
859
00:46:25,169 --> 00:46:27,601
Just sprinkle in a few words
during the conversation --
860
00:46:27,702 --> 00:46:30,868
You know, "schlep,"
"kvetch," "traipse."
861
00:46:30,969 --> 00:46:33,901
"traipse"? That's an english
word, isn't it?
862
00:46:34,002 --> 00:46:35,801
It is?
It sounds yiddish.
863
00:46:37,069 --> 00:46:40,302
Ah, hello!
864
00:46:40,404 --> 00:46:42,669
It's so nice to meet you.
How are you?
865
00:46:42,769 --> 00:46:44,235
Monty.
Monty, how are you?
866
00:46:44,336 --> 00:46:46,036
Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the lister boys,
867
00:46:46,136 --> 00:46:49,769
Sammy and louie.
868
00:46:49,869 --> 00:46:52,602
[ cheers and applause ]
869
00:46:59,636 --> 00:47:01,369
Mazel tov!
870
00:47:01,470 --> 00:47:03,036
[ applause ]
871
00:47:03,203 --> 00:47:05,302
Okay, what kind of jew
is that?
872
00:47:05,371 --> 00:47:06,869
A smelly one?
873
00:47:06,971 --> 00:47:09,136
Hippy jew.
Bohemian parents.
874
00:47:09,237 --> 00:47:10,136
Now a buddhist.
875
00:47:10,236 --> 00:47:12,002
A buddhist jew?
How does that work?
876
00:47:12,104 --> 00:47:14,536
Believes you should renounce
all material possessions
877
00:47:14,637 --> 00:47:15,769
But still keep
the receipts.
878
00:47:15,871 --> 00:47:18,303
Oof!
Look at that.
879
00:47:18,404 --> 00:47:21,937
I'd like to offer her
some serious kosher sausage.
880
00:47:22,037 --> 00:47:23,803
What kind of jew is that?
881
00:47:23,904 --> 00:47:26,703
That is my ex-wife.
882
00:47:26,805 --> 00:47:29,003
I'm sorry.
883
00:47:29,104 --> 00:47:32,804
With her wanking boyfriend,
maurice gross.
884
00:47:32,906 --> 00:47:34,005
Maurice gross?
885
00:47:34,105 --> 00:47:36,503
Psychic investigator
from high barnet.
886
00:47:36,604 --> 00:47:38,537
Julie.
Oh.
887
00:47:38,705 --> 00:47:41,470
Denise.
Oh, lenny.
888
00:47:41,572 --> 00:47:44,870
I'm so sorry to hear
about you and diane.
889
00:47:44,972 --> 00:47:47,437
Yeah.
And now she's
with maurice gross.
890
00:47:47,504 --> 00:47:49,504
[ laughs ]
who'd have guessed?
891
00:47:49,606 --> 00:47:52,038
I suppose
he would.
892
00:47:52,171 --> 00:47:56,105
Well, being
a psychic investigator.
893
00:47:56,205 --> 00:47:57,836
It's a wisecrack.
894
00:47:57,939 --> 00:47:59,604
Oh.
895
00:47:59,706 --> 00:48:01,571
I thought you people --
we're well known
896
00:48:01,673 --> 00:48:03,305
For wisecracking,
us people.
897
00:48:03,406 --> 00:48:06,772
Ladies, this is
my cousin solomon --
898
00:48:06,872 --> 00:48:08,939
Solomon shimshileewitz.
899
00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:10,139
Please, just call me "solly."
900
00:48:10,239 --> 00:48:12,204
How do you do?
How do you do?
901
00:48:12,305 --> 00:48:13,271
Hello.
902
00:48:13,373 --> 00:48:15,972
Lovely event,
don't you think, solly?
903
00:48:16,073 --> 00:48:20,206
Yes, it's very,
uh...Very geschmack.
904
00:48:20,307 --> 00:48:24,940
I-I-it, uh -- actually,
it's very traipse, I'd say.
905
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:29,740
It's very jewish.
906
00:48:29,841 --> 00:48:33,538
Mm, you're right.
It is very jewish.
907
00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:37,272
Oh, now, solly, I'm sure
that lenny must have told you
908
00:48:37,474 --> 00:48:39,607
That denise and I
are now co-chair...
Co-chair.
909
00:48:39,807 --> 00:48:42,006
...Of the north london ladies
eretz yisrael guild.
910
00:48:42,173 --> 00:48:43,605
Eretz?
Yisrael.
911
00:48:43,707 --> 00:48:45,008
I know it.
912
00:48:45,041 --> 00:48:46,240
So, we were wondering --
913
00:48:46,342 --> 00:48:49,007
So, we wondered if you might
sign our latest petition.
914
00:48:49,107 --> 00:48:50,039
I'd be delighted.
915
00:48:50,142 --> 00:48:51,607
"we, the undersigned,
916
00:48:51,709 --> 00:48:54,374
Believe that the state
of israel --"
917
00:48:54,540 --> 00:48:57,707
"israel is unfairly demonized
by bbc, itv, channel 4,
918
00:48:57,807 --> 00:49:00,673
And all other forms
of the u.K. News media --"
919
00:49:00,775 --> 00:49:02,907
"despite being
a shining --"
920
00:49:03,007 --> 00:49:05,207
"a shining example
of democracy and fairness,
921
00:49:05,308 --> 00:49:07,707
Which simply wants
to live in --"
"in peace."
922
00:49:07,775 --> 00:49:10,274
"in peace
with its neighbors."
923
00:49:11,908 --> 00:49:13,307
Oh, thanks,
lenny.
924
00:49:14,808 --> 00:49:16,475
If you wouldn't mind.
925
00:49:16,576 --> 00:49:18,174
[ laughs ]
926
00:49:19,942 --> 00:49:22,276
J-j-just here, is it?
Just there, please.
927
00:49:22,375 --> 00:49:24,308
Thank you.
928
00:49:25,775 --> 00:49:26,809
I have a twitch!
929
00:49:26,909 --> 00:49:28,207
Aah!
Ow, ow! That --
930
00:49:28,276 --> 00:49:29,175
That really hurt!
931
00:49:29,275 --> 00:49:30,641
Are you all right?
932
00:49:30,743 --> 00:49:33,474
Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
before we eat,
933
00:49:33,575 --> 00:49:35,774
Rabbi finestein
will say grace.
934
00:49:35,876 --> 00:49:40,741
[ singing in hebrew ]
935
00:49:57,609 --> 00:49:59,377
[ mumbling ]
936
00:49:59,476 --> 00:50:02,010
[ clears throat ]
937
00:50:03,977 --> 00:50:05,676
[ rapping in hebrew ]
938
00:50:37,010 --> 00:50:39,645
[ indistinct conversation ]
939
00:50:40,978 --> 00:50:42,310
Be happy to do it.
940
00:50:42,411 --> 00:50:43,711
Sorry to interrupt.
Yeah.
941
00:50:43,812 --> 00:50:45,744
I think we should go.
This is just too jewish for me.
942
00:50:45,845 --> 00:50:48,610
Ladies and gentlemen --
943
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:51,411
[ chuckles ]
that's nice.
944
00:50:51,512 --> 00:50:55,311
Today our blessed
bar mitzvah twins,
945
00:50:55,413 --> 00:50:58,445
Sammy and louie,
become men.
946
00:50:58,512 --> 00:50:59,711
[ applause ]
947
00:51:01,847 --> 00:51:04,910
Yeah, yeah, it's -- it's good
to be a jewish man now.
948
00:51:05,013 --> 00:51:07,179
Please don't come crying to me
in 30 years' time
949
00:51:07,279 --> 00:51:09,112
When your prostate blows up
like an air bag
950
00:51:09,212 --> 00:51:10,277
And your wife runs off
951
00:51:10,378 --> 00:51:12,411
With a psychic investigator
from high barnet.
952
00:51:12,512 --> 00:51:14,845
[ audience murmurs ]
953
00:51:16,279 --> 00:51:17,113
What?
954
00:51:17,247 --> 00:51:19,078
Speech.
Sorry, monty.
955
00:51:19,179 --> 00:51:23,113
Anyway, boys,
seeing as your father here
956
00:51:23,213 --> 00:51:25,745
Is to public speaking as...
957
00:51:25,846 --> 00:51:28,046
Stephen hawking is
to windsurfing,
958
00:51:28,146 --> 00:51:32,246
He has asked schmuggins here
to take on the bar mitzvah task
959
00:51:32,348 --> 00:51:35,245
Of telling a classic
jewish funny story.
960
00:51:35,348 --> 00:51:36,914
Sadly, though, I've become
961
00:51:37,014 --> 00:51:40,912
A bit tired and emotional
this evening.
962
00:51:41,013 --> 00:51:42,913
So, I --
and also very drunk.
963
00:51:43,014 --> 00:51:45,779
So I've decided
to pass the baton,
964
00:51:45,880 --> 00:51:49,447
To -- to -- to give the task
to my good friend
965
00:51:49,548 --> 00:51:52,113
And classic
jewish storyteller.
966
00:51:52,214 --> 00:51:57,580
Ladies and gentlemen,
solly shimshileewitz.
967
00:51:57,681 --> 00:51:59,280
[ applause ]
968
00:52:07,015 --> 00:52:10,414
Uh...Hello.
969
00:52:10,515 --> 00:52:13,314
Dear lord.
970
00:52:15,348 --> 00:52:17,247
How about the story
about rabbi akiba
971
00:52:17,348 --> 00:52:20,881
And fischel, the --
the village idiot?
972
00:52:20,982 --> 00:52:24,048
Yeah. How about that?
That's a good idea.
973
00:52:24,149 --> 00:52:27,048
That's, uh...
974
00:52:27,149 --> 00:52:28,714
So...
[ clears throat ]
975
00:52:28,815 --> 00:52:32,048
...There was a tale of,
uh, rabbi...
976
00:52:32,149 --> 00:52:33,215
Akiba.
977
00:52:33,315 --> 00:52:38,215
...Akiba,
who lived in...Hotep.
978
00:52:38,316 --> 00:52:43,081
And he always observed
his fedeyezyez flahot.
979
00:52:45,349 --> 00:52:46,581
Uh...
980
00:52:46,682 --> 00:52:50,748
Then, in the syn--
no, no, I know this one.
981
00:52:50,849 --> 00:52:52,582
The -- the --
the shul.
Shul.
982
00:52:52,682 --> 00:52:53,982
That's it, the shul.
983
00:52:54,082 --> 00:52:55,783
Shul.
The shul.
984
00:52:55,883 --> 00:52:59,316
In the shul came fischel,
the village idiot.
985
00:52:59,416 --> 00:53:01,449
Well, what an idiot he was.
986
00:53:01,550 --> 00:53:04,816
And he went up to the rabbi,
and he said,
987
00:53:04,917 --> 00:53:08,116
"rabbi, rabbi!
988
00:53:08,218 --> 00:53:11,550
My foreskin
has grown back."
989
00:53:14,217 --> 00:53:15,617
Um, he did.
He said that.
990
00:53:15,717 --> 00:53:16,883
No, he didn't.
991
00:53:16,984 --> 00:53:20,849
He did, and the rabbi looked
at him and said, "you what?"
992
00:53:20,951 --> 00:53:23,017
And fischel said,
"it's true.
993
00:53:23,184 --> 00:53:25,417
What do I do?"
about his foreskin.
994
00:53:25,517 --> 00:53:26,985
And...
It was that point --
995
00:53:27,085 --> 00:53:29,017
Can you help me
with this one, please?
996
00:53:29,118 --> 00:53:31,084
Yes, yes.
Finish it off.
997
00:53:31,184 --> 00:53:32,917
Rabbi akiba says,
998
00:53:33,019 --> 00:53:35,583
"moses said that when --
when --
999
00:53:35,685 --> 00:53:37,784
"when the light
of the world is shining,
1000
00:53:37,819 --> 00:53:39,717
We must turn our faces
to the sky."
1001
00:53:39,818 --> 00:53:40,950
That's it, yeah.
1002
00:53:41,052 --> 00:53:44,018
"and as joshua said when
the light of the world is dim,
1003
00:53:44,118 --> 00:53:46,317
We must turn our faces
to the ground."
1004
00:53:46,418 --> 00:53:47,318
To the ground.
1005
00:53:47,453 --> 00:53:50,350
"but I say --"
rabbi akiba says...
1006
00:53:50,419 --> 00:53:51,483
Yeah, what did he say?
1007
00:53:51,584 --> 00:53:54,051
Well, rabbi akiba says...
1008
00:53:57,553 --> 00:54:01,884
Uh, rabbi akiba
looked at fischel.
1009
00:54:01,986 --> 00:54:03,485
And he says...
1010
00:54:09,153 --> 00:54:11,151
[ speaking yiddish ]
1011
00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:30,085
[ laughing ]
1012
00:54:30,187 --> 00:54:31,719
[ laughter ]
1013
00:54:38,319 --> 00:54:39,219
What was that?
1014
00:54:39,320 --> 00:54:41,019
Don't ask me.
1015
00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:44,020
[ up-tempo music plays ]
1016
00:54:46,688 --> 00:54:48,586
[ man singing in hebrew ]
1017
00:55:22,589 --> 00:55:24,454
[ brakes squeal ]
1018
00:55:24,554 --> 00:55:25,755
Jesus.
1019
00:55:25,855 --> 00:55:26,921
See?
1020
00:55:27,022 --> 00:55:30,521
Soon as I'm in a cab...
Sober as a church.
1021
00:55:30,621 --> 00:55:33,621
That was good tonight.
Didn't expect it.
1022
00:55:33,722 --> 00:55:35,454
Thanks, lenny.
1023
00:55:35,555 --> 00:55:37,022
Hey, mahmud.
1024
00:55:37,056 --> 00:55:40,821
This jew thing -- what --
what's so important?
1025
00:55:40,923 --> 00:55:43,488
Izzy shimshileewitz.
1026
00:55:43,588 --> 00:55:44,855
What, he's still alive?
1027
00:55:44,923 --> 00:55:46,722
Yeah, well, I think so.
I don't know.
1028
00:55:46,822 --> 00:55:49,622
I-I can't be sure.
They won't let me see him.
1029
00:55:49,723 --> 00:55:50,855
What do you mean?
Who? They who?
1030
00:55:50,956 --> 00:55:52,488
The rabbi.
The rabbi at the care home.
1031
00:55:52,590 --> 00:55:56,255
He said I've got to get
a bit more jewy.
1032
00:55:56,356 --> 00:55:57,556
Did he?
1033
00:55:57,658 --> 00:55:58,790
Yeah.
1034
00:55:58,890 --> 00:56:00,756
When are you
gonna see him next?
1035
00:56:00,857 --> 00:56:03,024
Soon as possible.
Tomorrow.
1036
00:56:03,058 --> 00:56:04,856
You know what? I'm gonna take
you. I'm gonna go with you.
1037
00:56:04,890 --> 00:56:06,488
Yeah?
1038
00:56:06,590 --> 00:56:08,423
Yeah, I'm not gonna let
your big family emotional moment
1039
00:56:08,524 --> 00:56:10,956
Get held back
by some asshole fruma.
1040
00:56:11,057 --> 00:56:12,222
I think --
you know, that's good.
1041
00:56:12,322 --> 00:56:13,290
That's really good
if you come.
1042
00:56:13,390 --> 00:56:14,323
I'm gonna go.
1043
00:56:14,424 --> 00:56:16,256
But you will be tactful,
though, will you?
1044
00:56:16,357 --> 00:56:17,589
Yeah.
1045
00:56:17,690 --> 00:56:19,924
Because, you know,
this is a big thing for me.
1046
00:56:20,025 --> 00:56:21,889
My dad -- you know,
my adopted one --
1047
00:56:21,990 --> 00:56:25,391
When he died...
It really cut me up.
1048
00:56:25,491 --> 00:56:29,223
You know, and now I've got
this other dad here,
1049
00:56:29,324 --> 00:56:30,357
And it's just too much.
1050
00:56:30,457 --> 00:56:32,490
Look, finding out you're jewish
doesn't mean
1051
00:56:32,590 --> 00:56:35,291
That suddenly every moment's
a therapeutic opportunity.
1052
00:56:40,524 --> 00:56:43,589
Salaam alaykum, mahmud.
1053
00:56:43,724 --> 00:56:47,890
Alaykum a salaam,
lenny.
1054
00:56:55,526 --> 00:56:56,924
Hey.
1055
00:56:57,025 --> 00:56:58,924
Hey.
Good night, rash.
1056
00:56:59,025 --> 00:56:59,923
Good night.
1057
00:57:00,026 --> 00:57:01,258
Uh, dad...
1058
00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:02,791
That was a bit weird today,
1059
00:57:02,892 --> 00:57:04,491
Wasn't it,
with the rally?
1060
00:57:04,592 --> 00:57:06,992
Weird, yeah.
Yeah, it was.
1061
00:57:07,093 --> 00:57:09,691
I was just --
I was just trying, you know,
1062
00:57:09,793 --> 00:57:12,758
To show support for them,
the big stepfather guy.
1063
00:57:12,859 --> 00:57:15,524
Yeah, but I think,
when he comes to see us,
1064
00:57:15,626 --> 00:57:18,391
You could, uh...
Turn it down a touch, maybe.
1065
00:57:18,493 --> 00:57:20,059
Just a touch.
1066
00:57:20,159 --> 00:57:22,026
[ laughter ]
1067
00:57:22,127 --> 00:57:25,358
Okay. All right.
Relax.
1068
00:57:25,459 --> 00:57:26,526
Good night.
1069
00:57:26,627 --> 00:57:27,625
Good night.
1070
00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:40,226
Saamiya:
I spoke to sharif tonight.
1071
00:57:40,327 --> 00:57:43,160
He isn't 60 until June.
1072
00:57:45,094 --> 00:57:47,460
Saamiya.
1073
00:57:47,561 --> 00:57:51,626
Do you remember
when we got married?
1074
00:57:51,726 --> 00:57:56,159
And you promised to love me
and honor me
1075
00:57:56,261 --> 00:58:00,327
With faith and obedience
and gentleness?
1076
00:58:00,427 --> 00:58:02,660
Yes, of course.
1077
00:58:02,761 --> 00:58:04,227
Who is it?! Huh?!
Ow!
1078
00:58:04,328 --> 00:58:05,660
That hurts!
Is it someone from work?!
1079
00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:07,828
Work? What are you
talking about? They're all men.
1080
00:58:07,929 --> 00:58:10,726
That pram-faced tart
from tesco's.
1081
00:58:10,762 --> 00:58:12,893
Blimey,
you noticed that?
1082
00:58:12,994 --> 00:58:15,160
But I-I was
just looking.
Hmm.
1083
00:58:15,262 --> 00:58:16,393
Anyway, you know,
1084
00:58:16,494 --> 00:58:17,960
By the qur'an, I could have
four wives anyway.
1085
00:58:18,061 --> 00:58:19,627
Oh, that's why you've been
running to the mosque
1086
00:58:19,729 --> 00:58:20,961
All of this time,
is it, huh?!
1087
00:58:21,062 --> 00:58:22,226
Ow! Stop it!
1088
00:58:22,327 --> 00:58:23,827
You know, I knew I should have
never married a shia.
1089
00:58:23,929 --> 00:58:25,929
That hurts. Stop.
Will you stop?
1090
00:58:25,996 --> 00:58:27,861
Will you calm down?
Calm down?
1091
00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:30,961
I want to tell you
something.
1092
00:58:31,063 --> 00:58:32,794
Oh. No, it's not --
1093
00:58:32,895 --> 00:58:33,929
What?
1094
00:58:34,030 --> 00:58:35,628
You're not --
1095
00:58:35,729 --> 00:58:38,695
Mahmud, I spoke to the imam
because I was worried about you,
1096
00:58:38,795 --> 00:58:41,562
And he told me that you told him
this thing about yourself,
1097
00:58:41,663 --> 00:58:43,527
And I just laughed
because you can't be, can you?
1098
00:58:43,629 --> 00:58:45,695
Hey.
Oh, no.
1099
00:58:45,797 --> 00:58:48,595
I've seen this
on the internet -- men like you.
1100
00:58:48,696 --> 00:58:51,296
They're called bears --
big, fat, hairy men.
1101
00:58:51,397 --> 00:58:52,962
No, no, no,
I'm not gay, all right?
1102
00:58:53,063 --> 00:58:54,028
I'm not gay.
1103
00:58:54,130 --> 00:58:56,029
I've got the wrong end
of the stick.
1104
00:58:56,130 --> 00:58:59,328
Listen to me.
The truth is...
1105
00:59:02,030 --> 00:59:03,429
The truth is...
1106
00:59:03,530 --> 00:59:04,629
Mm?
1107
00:59:06,497 --> 00:59:09,095
...I'm...
1108
00:59:09,130 --> 00:59:11,297
Frightened...
1109
00:59:11,397 --> 00:59:13,496
Frightened?
1110
00:59:13,596 --> 00:59:16,663
...Of meeting
arshad al-masri.
1111
00:59:16,763 --> 00:59:19,462
At least,
I was frightened...
1112
00:59:19,563 --> 00:59:22,730
Till I started going to these
religious education classes.
1113
00:59:22,830 --> 00:59:24,664
Really?
1114
00:59:24,764 --> 00:59:26,997
Yeah, yeah, night classes
at the, uh, mosque.
1115
00:59:27,098 --> 00:59:28,996
Yeah.
1116
00:59:29,099 --> 00:59:31,398
[ chuckles ]
1117
00:59:31,497 --> 00:59:34,130
[ mumbling ]
1118
00:59:34,231 --> 00:59:37,431
Mahmud,
that's so sweet!
1119
00:59:37,531 --> 00:59:39,597
You're not ashamed
of me, then?
1120
00:59:39,698 --> 00:59:43,596
Ashamed?
I'm proud of you.
1121
00:59:43,698 --> 00:59:45,931
Wow.
Hey.
1122
00:59:46,031 --> 00:59:52,098
Come here...And show me
how ungay you really are,
1123
00:59:52,199 --> 00:59:57,764
You big,
heterosexual bear!
1124
00:59:57,865 --> 00:59:59,864
[ sighs ]
1125
01:00:07,565 --> 01:00:10,465
[ door opens ]
1126
01:00:10,565 --> 01:00:12,298
Ah. Hello.
1127
01:00:12,433 --> 01:00:13,698
How is he?
1128
01:00:13,833 --> 01:00:15,799
Stable, but no better.
1129
01:00:15,899 --> 01:00:17,964
That's why I'm here 24/7
at the moment.
1130
01:00:18,066 --> 01:00:19,799
[ scoffs ]
1131
01:00:19,899 --> 01:00:21,666
Sorry.
Just thought you said 24/7.
1132
01:00:21,766 --> 01:00:23,766
That's kind of weird
for a rabbi to say.
1133
01:00:23,867 --> 01:00:26,431
Rabbi, so, this is my friend
leonard goldberg.
1134
01:00:26,533 --> 01:00:28,598
He's been helping,
so, yeah.
1135
01:00:28,700 --> 01:00:31,666
I seem to remember us
setting a little test.
1136
01:00:31,767 --> 01:00:33,666
Yeah, he did. Lenny's been
helping me out with it.
1137
01:00:33,766 --> 01:00:35,832
Has he?
Yeah.
1138
01:00:35,933 --> 01:00:37,733
Been doing my teacher thing,
you know,
1139
01:00:37,833 --> 01:00:43,233
For my yid-muslo, uh,
homey.
1140
01:00:43,399 --> 01:00:46,199
Say your shema.
I'm sorry.
Beg your pardon?
1141
01:00:46,300 --> 01:00:47,934
The shema --
the lord's prayer.
1142
01:00:48,034 --> 01:00:52,201
Oh, don't tell me
he hasn't taught --
1143
01:00:52,301 --> 01:00:55,499
Uh, well,
name the five books of moses.
1144
01:00:55,600 --> 01:00:57,567
Yeah, I can do this.
[ clears throat ]
1145
01:00:57,668 --> 01:00:58,700
Genesis --
1146
01:00:58,800 --> 01:01:01,700
Uh, in hebrew.
In hebrew?
1147
01:01:03,201 --> 01:01:04,367
Gen-hesis.
1148
01:01:04,468 --> 01:01:06,234
What's hebrew
for "phil collins"?
1149
01:01:06,335 --> 01:01:08,399
Ex-hodus.
Okay.
1150
01:01:08,501 --> 01:01:09,500
I've had
quite enough.
1151
01:01:09,601 --> 01:01:11,101
No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
1152
01:01:11,202 --> 01:01:12,301
No, listen, listen, rabbi.
1153
01:01:12,402 --> 01:01:14,567
My friend has drunk
my chicken soup.
1154
01:01:14,668 --> 01:01:17,101
He's danced like a cossack
in my living room.
1155
01:01:17,203 --> 01:01:19,366
He told a funny story
at a bar mitzvah.
1156
01:01:19,468 --> 01:01:21,500
And by the way,
he got a big laugh.
1157
01:01:21,535 --> 01:01:25,534
I'm a jew, and my friend here
is jewish enough for me.
1158
01:01:25,634 --> 01:01:29,234
Come back when you've found
a better teacher.
1159
01:01:29,334 --> 01:01:30,733
Where am I gonna find
one of those, huh -- craigslist?
1160
01:01:30,835 --> 01:01:34,567
Look, rabbi, I haven't even told
my wife and family about this.
1161
01:01:34,668 --> 01:01:36,067
Well, perhaps that's
where you should start.
1162
01:01:36,169 --> 01:01:37,135
Now, if you don't mind,
1163
01:01:37,236 --> 01:01:38,668
I've got a dying man's soul
to care for.
1164
01:01:38,769 --> 01:01:39,867
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1165
01:01:39,968 --> 01:01:41,335
Listen, you sanctimonious
rabbinical cue ball.
1166
01:01:41,435 --> 01:01:43,069
[ indistinct shouting ]
1167
01:01:43,136 --> 01:01:44,369
Stop it!
1168
01:01:44,503 --> 01:01:47,335
You're disturbing the residents.
You're frightening them.
1169
01:01:48,736 --> 01:01:52,335
Hi.
1170
01:02:01,204 --> 01:02:02,937
"hi"?
1171
01:02:03,037 --> 01:02:04,936
Sorry.
1172
01:02:05,037 --> 01:02:08,269
� I'm a bow-legged chicken,
I'm a knock-kneed hen �
1173
01:02:08,370 --> 01:02:10,636
� never been so happy
since I don't know when �
1174
01:02:10,736 --> 01:02:11,703
You don't want to listen
1175
01:02:11,871 --> 01:02:15,302
To what that oversized toddler
punk rabbi says.
1176
01:02:15,403 --> 01:02:17,703
I mean, I'm a little bit racist
towards muslims,
1177
01:02:17,803 --> 01:02:19,104
But this asshole?
1178
01:02:19,204 --> 01:02:21,503
If you have just an ounce
of allah left inside you,
1179
01:02:21,604 --> 01:02:23,704
He will never let you
anywhere near your dad.
1180
01:02:23,837 --> 01:02:25,770
I -- I should --
I should tell people.
1181
01:02:25,871 --> 01:02:28,103
I -- I should tell everyone
I was born a jew.
1182
01:02:28,205 --> 01:02:30,736
That would be a very unjewish
thing to do.
1183
01:02:30,804 --> 01:02:34,004
You know, we don't like to call
attention to ourselves.
1184
01:02:34,104 --> 01:02:36,371
We're proud,
but we're proud quietly.
1185
01:02:38,004 --> 01:02:39,804
And --
and what about israelis?
1186
01:02:39,905 --> 01:02:42,404
No, no, I told you --
they're not really jews.
1187
01:02:42,505 --> 01:02:44,471
Yeah, yeah,
they're not exactly quiet
1188
01:02:44,571 --> 01:02:46,305
About themselves,
are they, what,
1189
01:02:46,405 --> 01:02:50,804
With all the warmongering and
the colonial rampaging and --
1190
01:02:50,838 --> 01:02:53,637
Oh, oh -- "if you --
if you throw a pebble at us,
1191
01:02:53,738 --> 01:02:57,238
We'll raze your hospitals
to the ground" foreign policy.
1192
01:02:57,338 --> 01:02:59,872
Unlike the very quiet way in
which your palestinian cousins
1193
01:02:59,973 --> 01:03:02,471
Strap bombs to themselves
and blow up school buses?
1194
01:03:02,572 --> 01:03:04,405
Yeah, yeah, you know --
you know full well
1195
01:03:04,572 --> 01:03:06,238
That there are
loads more palestinians
1196
01:03:06,405 --> 01:03:08,704
Killed by the israeli army
than the other way around.
1197
01:03:08,839 --> 01:03:11,772
[ brakes squealing ]
1198
01:03:11,873 --> 01:03:15,205
What exactly is your problem,
fat boy?
1199
01:03:15,373 --> 01:03:19,872
Who are you to tell me
about jews?
1200
01:03:19,973 --> 01:03:22,172
No, don't look --
if you'd been a better teacher,
1201
01:03:22,372 --> 01:03:24,672
I would have been at my father's
deathbed right now!
1202
01:03:24,773 --> 01:03:26,106
What exactly
are you saying then, huh?
1203
01:03:26,207 --> 01:03:27,272
That it's my fault?
1204
01:03:27,374 --> 01:03:28,605
Yes!
Ah!
1205
01:03:28,707 --> 01:03:31,272
You self-hating mentalist!
1206
01:03:31,374 --> 01:03:32,239
Get out of my cab.
1207
01:03:32,340 --> 01:03:33,239
You what?
1208
01:03:33,340 --> 01:03:36,105
You heard me!
Get out of my cab!
1209
01:03:36,205 --> 01:03:37,907
Americans
shouldn't bloody
1210
01:03:38,007 --> 01:03:39,372
Be driving a black cab,
anyway!
1211
01:03:39,440 --> 01:03:40,373
Asshole.
1212
01:03:40,473 --> 01:03:42,073
I'm gonna tell my family.
I am.
1213
01:03:42,174 --> 01:03:44,472
You know what?
I don't give a fuck what you do.
1214
01:03:44,607 --> 01:03:45,506
[ scoffs ]
anti-semite.
1215
01:03:45,607 --> 01:03:47,107
Islamophobe.
1216
01:03:51,074 --> 01:03:52,739
Suck my fat one!
1217
01:03:52,841 --> 01:03:54,473
� get ready to start �
1218
01:03:54,574 --> 01:03:57,274
� flap your elbows
just for luck �
1219
01:03:57,374 --> 01:04:00,474
� then you wiggle and you waddle
like a baby duck �
1220
01:04:00,507 --> 01:04:01,906
� come and dance with me,
honey �
1221
01:04:01,974 --> 01:04:03,574
� tap your toes and glide �
1222
01:04:03,675 --> 01:04:06,874
� and we'll always be together
side by side �
1223
01:04:06,974 --> 01:04:10,373
� we'll walk with a wiggle
and a giggle and a squawk �
1224
01:04:10,474 --> 01:04:13,774
� doing the tennessee wig walk �
1225
01:04:13,875 --> 01:04:16,873
Rashid, saamiya,
could you come down, please?
1226
01:04:16,975 --> 01:04:19,808
There's something
I've got to tell you.
1227
01:04:24,708 --> 01:04:30,774
Daddy, the funny men have come
to see if we're muslim enough.
1228
01:04:30,875 --> 01:04:34,808
Mahmud. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Come and meet our guests.
1229
01:04:34,910 --> 01:04:37,242
This is mr. Al-masri.
1230
01:04:37,408 --> 01:04:39,075
Please call me arshad.
1231
01:04:39,242 --> 01:04:40,609
Yes, yes, yes, uh...
1232
01:04:40,709 --> 01:04:44,908
Salaam alaykum, arshad.
Mahmud.
1233
01:04:45,043 --> 01:04:48,442
Alaykum a salaam.
Please, my friends.
1234
01:04:48,542 --> 01:04:50,475
Hey.
This is tariq.
1235
01:04:50,576 --> 01:04:51,542
Hey.
1236
01:04:51,642 --> 01:04:53,409
And this is hazeem.
1237
01:04:53,509 --> 01:04:55,509
Hey, hey.
It's very, uh --
1238
01:04:55,610 --> 01:04:58,641
Whoa.
1239
01:04:58,742 --> 01:05:00,708
Um, welcome.
Welcome, everyone.
1240
01:05:00,810 --> 01:05:04,141
You are very welcome.
You are very welcome to my home.
1241
01:05:04,243 --> 01:05:07,875
So, uh...What did you
have to tell us, mahmud?
1242
01:05:07,976 --> 01:05:09,142
What?
1243
01:05:09,243 --> 01:05:13,276
You came in saying that you have
something to tell us.
1244
01:05:13,377 --> 01:05:18,276
Yeah, I -- I was just gonna
tell everyone that I'm, uh --
1245
01:05:18,378 --> 01:05:22,111
I'm, uh...
1246
01:05:22,277 --> 01:05:24,477
� bow-legged chicken,
I'm a knock-kneed hen �
1247
01:05:24,578 --> 01:05:26,510
� never been so happy
since I don't know when �
1248
01:05:26,611 --> 01:05:28,310
� walk with a wiggle
and a squiggle and a squawk �
1249
01:05:28,411 --> 01:05:29,477
� ba-gawk �
1250
01:05:29,578 --> 01:05:31,745
� doing the tennessee wig walk �
1251
01:05:33,978 --> 01:05:36,310
It was just something in my head
on my way here,
1252
01:05:36,411 --> 01:05:39,378
And I thought nabi
would like it.
I do!
1253
01:05:39,478 --> 01:05:43,244
Is it the theme song of the
worldwide islamic caliphate?
1254
01:05:44,679 --> 01:05:48,777
Very good.
[ chuckles ]
1255
01:05:48,877 --> 01:05:50,911
So, let us sit.
1256
01:05:51,078 --> 01:05:55,043
Friends and family need
not stand on ceremony.
1257
01:05:55,179 --> 01:05:56,877
[ clears throat ]
1258
01:05:56,979 --> 01:05:59,411
[ clears throat ]
1259
01:06:07,445 --> 01:06:10,011
Uzma, where's your mum?
1260
01:06:10,179 --> 01:06:12,077
Oh, she's just in the...
1261
01:06:14,279 --> 01:06:16,479
Salaam alaykum, kashmina.
1262
01:06:16,579 --> 01:06:18,146
Mahmud.
1263
01:06:18,247 --> 01:06:22,011
So, let us talk
about rashid.
1264
01:06:22,113 --> 01:06:27,677
Yes. He's, uh...
He's a good boy, I think.
1265
01:06:27,779 --> 01:06:30,845
Though, um...
[ clears throat ]
1266
01:06:30,946 --> 01:06:34,845
As the holy qur'an says...
1267
01:06:34,946 --> 01:06:36,713
Says...
1268
01:06:36,813 --> 01:06:40,845
Children are
our only trial.
1269
01:06:40,948 --> 01:06:43,046
Not quite.
1270
01:06:43,147 --> 01:06:45,914
Your wealth and your children
are only a trial.
1271
01:06:46,014 --> 01:06:49,180
With allah --
with him is a great reward.
1272
01:06:49,281 --> 01:06:51,313
At-taghabun ayah 15.
1273
01:06:51,415 --> 01:06:53,713
Of course, right?
Yeah.
1274
01:06:53,813 --> 01:06:55,047
Come, now.
1275
01:06:55,148 --> 01:06:59,080
I do not expect everyone to know
every hadith by heart.
1276
01:06:59,180 --> 01:07:01,746
No. I don't even know
"humpty dumpty" by heart.
1277
01:07:01,848 --> 01:07:04,914
All I need to be
happy and content
1278
01:07:05,014 --> 01:07:07,714
Is to know
that I'm among muslims.
1279
01:07:07,814 --> 01:07:09,547
Oh. Of course.
Of course.
1280
01:07:09,647 --> 01:07:12,215
And on that note,
because, of course, we are here
1281
01:07:12,315 --> 01:07:14,880
In the hope of sealing
a happy event
1282
01:07:14,981 --> 01:07:17,814
Which may join
our two families forever,
1283
01:07:17,914 --> 01:07:23,047
You will forgive me the need
of some inquiry.
1284
01:07:23,149 --> 01:07:25,581
Brother arshad
can trace his lineage
1285
01:07:25,683 --> 01:07:28,881
Back to ibrahim ibn walid
ibn abdallah,
1286
01:07:28,982 --> 01:07:33,947
Imam of medina
of the 8th century.
1287
01:07:34,047 --> 01:07:37,182
I have to be careful
in my position.
1288
01:07:37,282 --> 01:07:39,448
You will have seen
the television cameras outside.
1289
01:07:39,549 --> 01:07:41,848
They have been chasing me
since my arrival
1290
01:07:41,949 --> 01:07:42,848
Here in brighton.
1291
01:07:42,948 --> 01:07:45,348
I must be on guard to preserve
1292
01:07:45,449 --> 01:07:48,715
The dignity
of the al-masri name.
1293
01:07:48,816 --> 01:07:51,381
Yeah, absolutely.
Yes. Yes.
1294
01:07:51,482 --> 01:07:55,082
For example,
a small internet search reveals
1295
01:07:55,182 --> 01:07:57,715
That you once wrote a letter
to the local paper
1296
01:07:57,817 --> 01:08:01,715
Calling on muslims
to be more "moderate."
1297
01:08:01,816 --> 01:08:05,216
Yeah, listen, that whole shia
"shite" thing -- misprint.
1298
01:08:05,383 --> 01:08:07,015
You know, I got really upset
about that.
1299
01:08:07,183 --> 01:08:09,849
Moderation is, of course,
a good thing...
1300
01:08:09,949 --> 01:08:12,683
In moderation.
1301
01:08:15,018 --> 01:08:16,549
[ chuckles ]
1302
01:08:16,649 --> 01:08:18,217
[ laughter ]
1303
01:08:22,450 --> 01:08:26,183
But...This western idea
1304
01:08:26,284 --> 01:08:30,516
Of the "moderate muslim" --
1305
01:08:30,618 --> 01:08:35,849
That idea
I completely reject!
1306
01:08:35,951 --> 01:08:40,517
But then,
I saw how you had changed.
1307
01:08:40,618 --> 01:08:43,482
How do you mean?
1308
01:08:43,584 --> 01:08:45,984
Tariq.
1309
01:08:46,085 --> 01:08:49,351
[ crowd chanting "burn it" ]
1310
01:08:54,552 --> 01:08:57,117
What are you doing
there, daddy?
1311
01:08:57,219 --> 01:08:59,250
Yes, nabi,
good question.
1312
01:08:59,385 --> 01:09:00,385
Yes.
1313
01:09:00,487 --> 01:09:03,184
Tariq: We've put the film
on our website.
1314
01:09:03,286 --> 01:09:04,551
You have?
1315
01:09:04,653 --> 01:09:08,017
43,000 hits
and counting.
1316
01:09:08,185 --> 01:09:10,684
Insha'allah.
Arshad: Insha'allah.
1317
01:09:10,785 --> 01:09:14,152
What mahmud is doing, nabi,
is demonstrating
1318
01:09:14,252 --> 01:09:17,119
That even a liberal,
moderate muslim
1319
01:09:17,220 --> 01:09:21,952
Can only be stretched
so far.
1320
01:09:22,053 --> 01:09:24,219
Am I right, mahmud?
1321
01:09:26,086 --> 01:09:28,885
Absolutely.
1322
01:09:30,987 --> 01:09:34,919
So, uzma and rashid,
1323
01:09:35,019 --> 01:09:38,886
I give their marriage
my blessing.
1324
01:09:41,488 --> 01:09:43,952
Let us celebrate.
1325
01:09:44,053 --> 01:09:45,952
Please, sing for us,
brother arshad.
1326
01:09:46,054 --> 01:09:47,154
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
1327
01:09:47,254 --> 01:09:50,353
Brother arshad has
a beautiful singing voice.
1328
01:09:50,453 --> 01:09:51,854
Ah.
1329
01:09:51,955 --> 01:09:53,553
Not really.
1330
01:09:53,654 --> 01:09:55,819
Please, arshad sahib, we would
all love to hear you sing.
1331
01:09:55,920 --> 01:10:01,186
Well, well, well,
just a little nasheed
1332
01:10:01,287 --> 01:10:04,686
That my mother taught me.
1333
01:10:04,787 --> 01:10:05,887
[ clearing throat ]
1334
01:10:09,322 --> 01:10:11,653
[ singing in arabic ]
1335
01:10:47,355 --> 01:10:49,622
[ doorbell ringing ]
1336
01:10:54,490 --> 01:10:57,388
Uh, I-I'll go and get that.
1337
01:10:57,489 --> 01:10:58,655
I'm sorry.
1338
01:10:58,755 --> 01:11:01,689
That was very nice.
I was really enjoying that.
1339
01:11:04,223 --> 01:11:05,223
[ indistinct shouting ]
1340
01:11:05,324 --> 01:11:08,121
Mr. Nasir?
1341
01:11:08,223 --> 01:11:10,223
You are under arrest
on suspicion
1342
01:11:10,323 --> 01:11:12,989
Of having performed actions
in contravention
1343
01:11:13,057 --> 01:11:15,956
To the racial and religious
hatred act of 2006.
1344
01:11:16,058 --> 01:11:17,289
Yeah.
1345
01:11:17,391 --> 01:11:19,822
How dare you gatecrash
my twins' big day, huh?!
1346
01:11:19,857 --> 01:11:21,456
What were you
planning to do,
1347
01:11:21,557 --> 01:11:23,622
Put anthrax
in the smoked salmon sushi?!
1348
01:11:23,756 --> 01:11:25,256
Come on, now,
mr. Nasir.
1349
01:11:25,357 --> 01:11:26,756
Yes, yes. Sorry.
1350
01:11:26,857 --> 01:11:29,723
What is this man guilty of,
exactly...
1351
01:11:29,823 --> 01:11:31,490
[ indistinct shouting ]
1352
01:11:31,590 --> 01:11:33,523
...When the jewish-controlled
western media
1353
01:11:33,624 --> 01:11:39,589
Produces offensive
islamophobic blasphemies?!
1354
01:11:39,691 --> 01:11:41,390
[ crowd boos ]
1355
01:11:41,491 --> 01:11:45,222
Shouldn't a muslim speak out
about the treatment
1356
01:11:45,324 --> 01:11:50,090
Of his brothers
by the zionist oppressors?!
1357
01:11:50,191 --> 01:11:52,324
He wasn't speaking out!
1358
01:11:52,426 --> 01:11:57,424
What happened to your precious
freedom of expression,
1359
01:11:57,525 --> 01:11:58,624
You hypocrites?!
1360
01:11:58,725 --> 01:12:00,290
Whatever.
1361
01:12:00,392 --> 01:12:02,058
Burning a jew's hat,
I'm afraid,
1362
01:12:02,158 --> 01:12:03,523
Constitutes
religious hatred.
1363
01:12:03,625 --> 01:12:04,857
I must warn you, sir,
anything you say
1364
01:12:04,958 --> 01:12:06,624
Will be taken down and used
as evidence against you.
1365
01:12:06,725 --> 01:12:08,792
Anything?
Yes, sir. Everything.
1366
01:12:08,892 --> 01:12:12,091
[ crowd chanting "mahmud" ]
1367
01:12:12,191 --> 01:12:14,791
[ indistinct shouting ]
1368
01:12:17,692 --> 01:12:19,692
[ wind howling ]
1369
01:12:26,492 --> 01:12:28,992
I'm jewish!
1370
01:12:29,093 --> 01:12:30,593
Monty: What?
1371
01:12:33,494 --> 01:12:35,624
What?
What?
1372
01:12:35,727 --> 01:12:37,825
I'm sorry.
What's that, sir?
1373
01:12:37,925 --> 01:12:39,692
I'm jewish.
1374
01:12:39,794 --> 01:12:44,326
I was born a jew.
I just found out.
1375
01:12:44,428 --> 01:12:49,026
I was adopted...
By muslims.
1376
01:12:49,127 --> 01:12:50,226
Uzma!
1377
01:12:50,327 --> 01:12:51,959
Well, I suppose that's
all right, then, sir.
1378
01:12:52,061 --> 01:12:53,192
Well, is it?
Well, yeah.
1379
01:12:53,327 --> 01:12:55,193
I mean, it's like
that jackie mason fella.
1380
01:12:55,260 --> 01:12:57,260
He can take the piss out of jews
'cause he's a jew.
1381
01:12:57,361 --> 01:12:58,759
Wouldn't arrest him for it,
would we?
1382
01:12:58,860 --> 01:13:00,061
This is clearly nonsense,
officer.
1383
01:13:00,161 --> 01:13:01,293
He doesn't
even look jewish.
1384
01:13:01,360 --> 01:13:02,626
Yes, he does.
1385
01:13:02,728 --> 01:13:04,593
What are you talking about?
He's basically a schvartse.
1386
01:13:04,695 --> 01:13:05,792
Rashid: Dad.
1387
01:13:05,894 --> 01:13:07,727
It's true. I'm sorry.
1388
01:13:07,827 --> 01:13:10,293
No, no, no, please.
Come on.
1389
01:13:10,396 --> 01:13:11,726
[ indistinct shouting ]
1390
01:13:11,827 --> 01:13:13,460
Uzma!
1391
01:13:20,462 --> 01:13:22,027
Uzma!
1392
01:13:22,127 --> 01:13:23,295
Get inside, get inside.
1393
01:13:23,395 --> 01:13:25,328
All right,
the rest of you,
1394
01:13:25,429 --> 01:13:28,526
Could you all kindly fuck off
my premises!
1395
01:13:28,663 --> 01:13:31,228
He's a live one,
isn't he?
1396
01:13:31,330 --> 01:13:33,294
[ engine turns over ]
what do you mean?
1397
01:13:33,329 --> 01:13:35,394
How was I inciting
racial hatred?
1398
01:13:35,494 --> 01:13:37,561
Schvartse, sir.
I heard you say it.
1399
01:13:37,663 --> 01:13:40,327
How do you even know
what it means?!
1400
01:13:47,496 --> 01:13:48,729
Rash --
1401
01:13:48,829 --> 01:13:50,496
No.
1402
01:13:52,695 --> 01:13:55,095
Rashid!
1403
01:14:04,196 --> 01:14:06,595
At least
I'm not a shia.
1404
01:14:06,695 --> 01:14:08,528
[ blues harmonica plays ]
1405
01:14:15,696 --> 01:14:17,028
� whoo �
1406
01:14:47,197 --> 01:14:48,764
Nabi.
1407
01:14:48,865 --> 01:14:50,598
Something at school today?
1408
01:14:50,698 --> 01:14:52,097
Infidel.
1409
01:14:52,198 --> 01:14:54,665
For crying out loud.
1410
01:14:54,766 --> 01:14:56,665
[ television turns on ]
1411
01:14:56,765 --> 01:14:58,863
I'm jewish!
1412
01:14:58,964 --> 01:14:59,864
I was born a jew.
1413
01:14:59,965 --> 01:15:01,363
Jesus, moses, and allah.
1414
01:15:01,464 --> 01:15:04,665
I just found out.
I was adopted.
1415
01:15:04,765 --> 01:15:06,998
[ indistinct shouti ng ]
1416
01:15:10,966 --> 01:15:14,031
Matthew: There were
some astonishing scenes there.
1417
01:15:14,131 --> 01:15:15,032
Well,
what do we make of them?
1418
01:15:15,134 --> 01:15:17,531
Matthew,
I think that this guy
1419
01:15:17,633 --> 01:15:19,698
Is multiculturalism
made flesh.
1420
01:15:19,798 --> 01:15:21,832
He's a hero for our times,
1421
01:15:21,932 --> 01:15:24,263
Somebody that we have to
use as a way --
1422
01:15:24,332 --> 01:15:26,698
This is the way
we need to go forward.
1423
01:15:26,799 --> 01:15:28,731
We need to look at people
like this and say,
1424
01:15:28,833 --> 01:15:31,165
"yes, you're proud
and I'm proud of what you are.
1425
01:15:31,267 --> 01:15:33,665
You might look
a certain way --"
1426
01:15:33,766 --> 01:15:34,931
Not what I would say,
1427
01:15:35,033 --> 01:15:36,333
If you were in his shoes,
the poor guy.
1428
01:15:36,434 --> 01:15:37,598
Man: It's not something
that looked to me like...
1429
01:15:37,700 --> 01:15:39,032
Hey, guys.
1430
01:15:39,134 --> 01:15:40,900
Hey, mahmud.
1431
01:15:41,000 --> 01:15:42,333
I think this is where
we're being very naive.
1432
01:15:42,434 --> 01:15:43,432
[ television turns off ]
1433
01:15:43,534 --> 01:15:44,966
How's it going?
1434
01:15:45,067 --> 01:15:46,632
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
good.
1435
01:15:46,734 --> 01:15:47,999
Yeah, yeah,
right, yeah?
1436
01:15:48,099 --> 01:15:49,333
Doing lovely, sir,
good.
1437
01:15:49,433 --> 01:15:52,000
You all right?
1438
01:15:52,100 --> 01:15:54,033
Where's wasif?
1439
01:15:54,134 --> 01:15:59,199
Um...
Handed in his notice.
1440
01:16:01,266 --> 01:16:03,999
Is there anyone else
who can do his job?
1441
01:16:04,101 --> 01:16:08,466
You need someone
who really knows the roads.
1442
01:16:08,568 --> 01:16:11,967
All right, well, I...
1443
01:16:12,035 --> 01:16:17,400
I might just...Work from home
today, then, shall I?
1444
01:16:17,501 --> 01:16:20,166
Yeah. G-good idea.
1445
01:16:20,267 --> 01:16:22,500
I'll go --
I'll go make some calls.
1446
01:16:22,602 --> 01:16:25,700
Some...
1447
01:16:25,801 --> 01:16:26,933
This.
1448
01:16:27,035 --> 01:16:28,301
Mahmud.
1449
01:16:31,668 --> 01:16:36,934
Things will work out.
Insha'allah.
1450
01:16:46,135 --> 01:16:47,501
What are you doing?
1451
01:16:47,603 --> 01:16:49,202
I'm going to stay
with my mum.
1452
01:16:49,268 --> 01:16:51,468
No, no. Just put it away.
Just stay.
1453
01:16:51,568 --> 01:16:54,468
Let -- let go.
1454
01:16:54,504 --> 01:16:56,001
How long
are you staying?
1455
01:16:56,103 --> 01:16:58,635
I don't know.
1456
01:16:58,736 --> 01:17:00,035
Because I'm a jew?
1457
01:17:00,136 --> 01:17:02,202
No, mahmud,
because you lied to me --
1458
01:17:02,303 --> 01:17:06,536
Something you promised
you would never do.
1459
01:17:06,637 --> 01:17:07,735
[ car door opens ]
1460
01:17:07,836 --> 01:17:08,968
Nabi: Daddy!
1461
01:17:09,003 --> 01:17:11,903
Hey, my baby girl.
Hey.
1462
01:17:12,003 --> 01:17:13,401
Daddy?
Yes?
1463
01:17:13,503 --> 01:17:15,435
What is a jew?
1464
01:17:15,536 --> 01:17:16,469
Well,
you know that nasty man
1465
01:17:16,570 --> 01:17:17,669
On "the apprentice"
with the beard?
1466
01:17:17,771 --> 01:17:19,369
[ horn honking ]
get in the car.
1467
01:17:19,469 --> 01:17:21,736
And why did some naughty man
put dog poo through our door
1468
01:17:21,870 --> 01:17:22,936
Because you are one?
1469
01:17:23,036 --> 01:17:25,270
Hurry up!
1470
01:17:25,371 --> 01:17:28,302
Who did that?
1471
01:17:28,403 --> 01:17:31,804
I'll kill him.
Fucking kill him.
1472
01:17:31,904 --> 01:17:32,969
Rashid:
Excuse me, dad.
1473
01:17:33,070 --> 01:17:34,037
Yeah, but that's --
1474
01:17:34,138 --> 01:17:35,571
It doesn't matter
what those morons think.
1475
01:17:35,671 --> 01:17:36,971
[ horn honking ]
rashid, hurry up!
1476
01:17:37,037 --> 01:17:40,937
I loved her, dad.
I love her.
1477
01:17:41,038 --> 01:17:42,470
Rashid!
I know. I know, son.
1478
01:17:42,571 --> 01:17:44,370
And I can explain.
You don't understand.
1479
01:17:44,470 --> 01:17:46,204
My dad, my real dad --
to get to him,
1480
01:17:46,306 --> 01:17:48,570
I've got to try and prove
that I'm some kind of --
1481
01:17:48,671 --> 01:17:51,672
Where's my dad?
Where's my real dad?
1482
01:17:51,772 --> 01:17:54,969
[ car door closes,
engine revs ]
1483
01:18:00,704 --> 01:18:04,471
[ camera shutter clicking ]
1484
01:18:11,905 --> 01:18:14,738
Enough already!
1485
01:18:56,141 --> 01:18:57,540
[ indistinct conversation ]
1486
01:18:57,640 --> 01:18:59,340
Get away, man.
1487
01:19:02,907 --> 01:19:04,840
[ sniffling ]
1488
01:19:12,708 --> 01:19:15,773
[ vehicle passing,
horn blaring ]
1489
01:19:15,874 --> 01:19:18,040
Fuck off!
1490
01:19:28,640 --> 01:19:31,873
Come on, my friend.
Here we go.
1491
01:19:31,975 --> 01:19:35,407
Up. There.
We got you.
1492
01:19:35,509 --> 01:19:37,007
Leytonstone, huh?
1493
01:19:37,109 --> 01:19:38,008
Golders green.
1494
01:19:38,108 --> 01:19:39,341
Golders green?
1495
01:19:39,442 --> 01:19:40,508
Yeah.
1496
01:19:40,610 --> 01:19:41,974
All right.
1497
01:19:47,142 --> 01:19:48,974
I want to see
izzy shimshileewitz.
1498
01:19:49,075 --> 01:19:50,308
You can't.
1499
01:19:50,409 --> 01:19:51,642
Why not?
1500
01:19:51,742 --> 01:19:54,141
Well, for one thing,
it's not visiting hours.
1501
01:19:54,343 --> 01:19:57,242
And for another...
1502
01:20:05,910 --> 01:20:09,575
I've done it, okay?
I've told the world.
1503
01:20:09,643 --> 01:20:11,774
Whoo-hoo.
I'm a fat old jew.
1504
01:20:11,877 --> 01:20:14,509
Have you had
your pound of flesh?
1505
01:20:14,577 --> 01:20:17,276
Huh? Have I jumped
through enough jew hoops?
1506
01:20:17,377 --> 01:20:20,009
Have I ruined my muslim life
enough for you?!
1507
01:20:20,111 --> 01:20:22,243
He can't stop --
not this prayer.
1508
01:20:22,344 --> 01:20:24,843
He's not allowed to.
It's jewish law.
1509
01:20:24,943 --> 01:20:26,775
Oh, really?
1510
01:20:26,877 --> 01:20:29,909
Oh, well, then I can go in here
whenever I fucking like, eh?
1511
01:20:30,011 --> 01:20:32,375
Eh? Whoo-hoo.
Look, I'm in. I'm out.
1512
01:20:32,477 --> 01:20:34,010
I'm in. I'm out.
Mahmud.
1513
01:20:34,111 --> 01:20:36,275
I'm really sorry.
1514
01:20:36,376 --> 01:20:38,644
But it's a prayer
for the dead.
1515
01:20:40,678 --> 01:20:45,310
I'm so sorry.
Died a couple of hours ago.
1516
01:20:45,411 --> 01:20:47,977
He got your letter, though,
your package.
1517
01:20:50,045 --> 01:20:51,776
I didn't send anything.
1518
01:20:51,911 --> 01:20:55,377
Perhaps you'd like to go in,
sit in his room for a bit.
1519
01:20:55,478 --> 01:20:57,710
I know some of our recently
bereaved relatives
1520
01:20:57,810 --> 01:20:59,711
That can help
a little.
1521
01:20:59,812 --> 01:21:01,577
Thank you.
1522
01:21:09,379 --> 01:21:11,245
Fuck!
1523
01:21:11,346 --> 01:21:12,711
[ clattering ]
1524
01:21:22,213 --> 01:21:25,245
[ music box chiming ]
1525
01:21:49,880 --> 01:21:51,946
[ sighs ]
1526
01:22:00,347 --> 01:22:02,247
[ television turns on ]
1527
01:22:02,348 --> 01:22:06,413
Mahmud: I'm jewish!
1528
01:22:06,514 --> 01:22:09,547
I was born a jew.
1529
01:22:09,647 --> 01:22:16,779
I was adopted...
By muslims.
1530
01:22:27,781 --> 01:22:29,681
[ bird chirping ]
1531
01:22:58,216 --> 01:23:00,482
Mahmud, I-I'm --
I'm -- I'm sorry, man.
1532
01:23:00,582 --> 01:23:03,648
If I wasn't such a schmuck
to that rabbi, if I had --
1533
01:23:03,749 --> 01:23:05,882
Forget it.
1534
01:23:06,017 --> 01:23:09,383
Besides...
1535
01:23:09,483 --> 01:23:12,749
This gives you
a big license to schmuck.
1536
01:23:15,916 --> 01:23:18,149
You could have used
a different tape.
1537
01:23:18,250 --> 01:23:22,482
I wanted him to get it
into the vcr right away.
1538
01:23:22,583 --> 01:23:24,381
Did you wipe
the porn off?
1539
01:23:24,483 --> 01:23:27,083
Fuck no.
I wanted him to die happy.
1540
01:23:30,818 --> 01:23:33,082
Look what he wrote on it.
1541
01:23:35,917 --> 01:23:39,350
He remembered it, then --
your name.
1542
01:23:39,450 --> 01:23:42,084
Well, that's --
that's something.
1543
01:23:44,751 --> 01:23:46,817
[ sighs ]
1544
01:23:46,918 --> 01:23:51,152
My life's still shot,
though, isn't it?
1545
01:23:51,252 --> 01:23:55,116
My family's left me.
My workmates hate me.
1546
01:23:55,151 --> 01:23:57,718
My son loves this girl
that he can't marry
1547
01:23:57,819 --> 01:24:02,217
'cause I'm
a big jewish twat.
1548
01:24:02,319 --> 01:24:04,850
Why can't they
just get married anyway?
1549
01:24:04,952 --> 01:24:08,050
I mean, who cares
what this taliban moron says?
1550
01:24:08,152 --> 01:24:10,584
Now, look,
'cause however modern uzma is,
1551
01:24:10,684 --> 01:24:13,051
However many
facebook friends she gets,
1552
01:24:13,152 --> 01:24:17,551
However many brazilians she,
you know...
1553
01:24:19,152 --> 01:24:23,918
...She just would never,
ever shame her family.
1554
01:24:23,954 --> 01:24:28,652
That's what it's like
being a fucking paki.
1555
01:24:28,753 --> 01:24:30,985
A minute ago,
you were a big jewish twat.
1556
01:24:31,087 --> 01:24:32,485
I know, I know.
1557
01:24:32,586 --> 01:24:34,252
[ women chanting ]
1558
01:25:39,688 --> 01:25:42,188
Reporter: Tonight,
on a channel 100 special,
1559
01:25:42,288 --> 01:25:43,387
We ask the question,
1560
01:25:43,489 --> 01:25:45,889
Islamic clerics,
such as arshad al-masri --
1561
01:25:45,990 --> 01:25:48,954
Are they working for the good
of their country,
1562
01:25:49,055 --> 01:25:51,055
Or are they dangerous fanatics
1563
01:25:51,155 --> 01:25:53,820
Driven by a desire to destroy
our way of life?
1564
01:26:07,889 --> 01:26:11,055
Hey.
1565
01:26:11,157 --> 01:26:14,522
So, uh...
What are you doing?
1566
01:26:14,622 --> 01:26:17,223
Running.
1567
01:26:17,358 --> 01:26:19,455
Are you, uh...
1568
01:26:19,555 --> 01:26:23,390
Are you going
to al-masri's lecture?
1569
01:26:23,490 --> 01:26:25,822
Well,
isn't uzma gonna be there?
1570
01:26:29,623 --> 01:26:32,991
Do you know
how she's doing?
1571
01:26:33,090 --> 01:26:35,490
Well, she's obviously
really happy
1572
01:26:35,590 --> 01:26:38,158
That because her mum
is now too frightened
1573
01:26:38,224 --> 01:26:40,356
To leave muhammad
al-fucking-stalin,
1574
01:26:40,457 --> 01:26:42,890
She will have to go
with them to waziristan,
1575
01:26:42,990 --> 01:26:46,090
Where the women of her age
legally have to wear a muzzle
1576
01:26:46,191 --> 01:26:48,857
If they've still got
a clitoris.
1577
01:26:52,757 --> 01:26:54,724
Okay, listen.
1578
01:26:54,825 --> 01:26:57,423
I'm going to this event,
okay?
1579
01:26:57,523 --> 01:26:59,724
I'm gonna stand up,
and I'm gonna take arshad on.
1580
01:26:59,826 --> 01:27:00,892
What?
1581
01:27:00,992 --> 01:27:02,357
Yeah.
I've done some reading.
1582
01:27:02,459 --> 01:27:04,591
I've read the qur'an.
I've read the old testament.
1583
01:27:04,692 --> 01:27:06,558
I think --
are you mental?
1584
01:27:06,658 --> 01:27:08,290
He knows
this stuff backwards.
1585
01:27:08,390 --> 01:27:11,058
Do you really want to make
a complete twat of yourself
1586
01:27:11,225 --> 01:27:14,224
In front
of the whole community again?
1587
01:27:14,326 --> 01:27:15,391
Yeah, but, son,
1588
01:27:15,492 --> 01:27:18,191
It's -- it's not exactly
the whole community, is it?
1589
01:27:18,359 --> 01:27:19,526
Oh, oh, it is.
1590
01:27:19,626 --> 01:27:21,357
Since your little moment
on tv,
1591
01:27:21,459 --> 01:27:23,357
It's not just
the wahhabi nutters
1592
01:27:23,458 --> 01:27:24,725
Who want to see arshad.
1593
01:27:24,827 --> 01:27:26,758
No, no, no!
Everyone's interested!
1594
01:27:26,859 --> 01:27:28,090
Oh.
1595
01:27:28,192 --> 01:27:33,325
Dad, please.
Open your eyes.
1596
01:27:33,425 --> 01:27:35,925
Son, son.
1597
01:27:36,027 --> 01:27:38,092
[ sighs ]
1598
01:27:48,027 --> 01:27:51,059
My eyes.
1599
01:28:16,294 --> 01:28:19,193
They're starting about now --
the lecture.
1600
01:28:19,295 --> 01:28:21,193
Mum, forget it.
1601
01:28:21,295 --> 01:28:23,194
You know, muna's gone.
1602
01:28:23,295 --> 01:28:24,527
Well, that's --
that's up to her.
1603
01:28:24,629 --> 01:28:26,860
But, rashid --
mum, we're not going.
1604
01:28:26,961 --> 01:28:29,860
Remember what he's done.
1605
01:28:29,961 --> 01:28:33,329
Look not at what a man has done,
but what he hopes to do.
1606
01:28:33,429 --> 01:28:36,160
Who taught you that,
nabi?
1607
01:28:36,261 --> 01:28:37,961
Daddy.
1608
01:28:42,095 --> 01:28:45,327
Arshad: If that means
refusing, speaking out against,
1609
01:28:45,429 --> 01:28:48,329
Even tearing down
those aspects of western culture
1610
01:28:48,430 --> 01:28:52,427
Which disgust and dismay
the true believer,
1611
01:28:52,529 --> 01:28:54,561
So be it.
1612
01:28:54,662 --> 01:28:56,761
[ applause ]
1613
01:29:04,197 --> 01:29:07,027
Thank you.
1614
01:29:07,128 --> 01:29:10,263
Thank you very much, my brothers
and sisters, of course.
1615
01:29:10,363 --> 01:29:12,728
Now, any questions?
1616
01:29:12,828 --> 01:29:15,062
Yes?
1617
01:29:15,163 --> 01:29:16,962
Brother arshad,
1618
01:29:17,062 --> 01:29:20,962
How can we support
your cause?
1619
01:29:21,064 --> 01:29:24,396
Well, by listening and acting
on my words.
1620
01:29:24,497 --> 01:29:28,062
But also, if you wish, there are
donations that can be made.
1621
01:29:28,163 --> 01:29:30,263
Details are available
at the door.
1622
01:29:30,363 --> 01:29:32,695
Yes, brother?
1623
01:29:32,797 --> 01:29:35,230
Tell us also, brother,
1624
01:29:35,330 --> 01:29:39,395
How come you are
so remarkably good...
1625
01:29:39,496 --> 01:29:41,596
Mum, I'm gonna go and --
wait, wait.
1626
01:29:41,698 --> 01:29:42,662
Have you seen uzma?
1627
01:29:42,765 --> 01:29:44,696
Rashid,
look over there.
Where?
1628
01:29:44,830 --> 01:29:46,630
That is very kind of you
to say, brother.
1629
01:29:46,731 --> 01:29:48,863
Well, I have the advantage,
of course, of coming
1630
01:29:48,964 --> 01:29:52,831
From a long and eminent line
of great islamic preachers.
1631
01:29:52,931 --> 01:29:57,197
But who knows
if I do them justice?
1632
01:29:57,299 --> 01:30:00,897
[ applause ]
1633
01:30:00,998 --> 01:30:03,063
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
1634
01:30:03,264 --> 01:30:05,530
So, if there are
no further questions...
1635
01:30:05,631 --> 01:30:08,397
Yes, holy sister?
1636
01:30:08,499 --> 01:30:11,197
[ high-pitched voice ]
question for brother arshad.
1637
01:30:11,299 --> 01:30:14,397
Is it possible that you,
being such a fantastic speaker,
1638
01:30:14,499 --> 01:30:15,397
There's something
you've forgotten...
1639
01:30:15,497 --> 01:30:19,231
Which is...
[ crowd murmuring ]
1640
01:30:32,166 --> 01:30:34,899
You're stretched it really badly
now, you big knobhead.
1641
01:30:34,999 --> 01:30:37,097
[ normal voice ]
let me ask you this.
1642
01:30:37,198 --> 01:30:39,932
Why won't you let my son
marry your stepdaughter?
1643
01:30:40,066 --> 01:30:42,866
Well, well,
if it isn't "mahmud nasir."
1644
01:30:42,966 --> 01:30:44,032
[ laughter ]
1645
01:30:44,133 --> 01:30:45,165
Answer the question.
1646
01:30:45,265 --> 01:30:46,266
Mum, what is he doing?
1647
01:30:46,366 --> 01:30:50,200
The holy qur'an
al-baqarah ayah 221 --
1648
01:30:50,299 --> 01:30:53,699
Do not marry your girls
to unbelievers.
1649
01:30:53,800 --> 01:30:56,399
[ applause ]
1650
01:30:56,500 --> 01:30:58,099
Until they believe.
1651
01:30:58,168 --> 01:30:59,332
I beg your pardon?
1652
01:30:59,434 --> 01:31:01,499
Well, that's how
the ayah continues.
1653
01:31:01,701 --> 01:31:05,433
An islamic woman can marry
any man who believes in allah.
1654
01:31:05,533 --> 01:31:08,299
And my son
believes in allah.
1655
01:31:08,367 --> 01:31:09,400
And how can I
believe in the son
1656
01:31:09,501 --> 01:31:12,666
When I cannot believe
in the father, hmm?
1657
01:31:12,767 --> 01:31:15,200
Oh. Welcome.
1658
01:31:15,300 --> 01:31:18,366
No, no, no, no. Don't --
don't get up on the stage.
1659
01:31:18,434 --> 01:31:19,866
[ laughter ]
1660
01:31:19,968 --> 01:31:24,099
A bit harder.
[ laughs ]
1661
01:31:30,035 --> 01:31:33,466
And what are you today,
brother?
1662
01:31:33,567 --> 01:31:36,634
What is the...
[ speaks indistinctly ]
1663
01:31:36,735 --> 01:31:38,633
[ laughter ]
1664
01:31:38,701 --> 01:31:40,201
I am a muslim.
1665
01:31:40,302 --> 01:31:43,700
[ speaking arabic ]
1666
01:31:43,802 --> 01:31:47,601
Well, well, well, well.
Saying our holy words.
1667
01:31:47,702 --> 01:31:50,502
At-taghabun ayah 73 --
1668
01:31:50,602 --> 01:31:54,234
Strive hard
against the unbeliever.
1669
01:31:54,335 --> 01:31:58,102
I believe my shahada,
1670
01:31:58,136 --> 01:32:00,267
Because it's
my lord's prayer.
1671
01:32:00,368 --> 01:32:03,335
And you know what else
I learned recently?
1672
01:32:03,436 --> 01:32:05,734
The jews have
their own lord's prayer.
1673
01:32:05,904 --> 01:32:08,201
You know what it's called?
The shema.
1674
01:32:08,269 --> 01:32:09,535
What is he talking about?
1675
01:32:09,635 --> 01:32:12,335
Do you know what moses called
god in the original hebrew?
1676
01:32:12,436 --> 01:32:16,501
Elah --
allah, elah --
1677
01:32:16,604 --> 01:32:18,502
Because it's the same god.
1678
01:32:18,637 --> 01:32:20,435
Very, very good,
mahmud.
1679
01:32:20,503 --> 01:32:23,569
You've learned some
of the qur'an by heart.
1680
01:32:23,704 --> 01:32:25,635
[ chuckles ]
mazel tov.
1681
01:32:25,735 --> 01:32:28,370
So, maybe you tell us,
mahmud,
1682
01:32:28,471 --> 01:32:31,069
Before all this
delicate business
1683
01:32:31,171 --> 01:32:33,702
About your parentage
happened,
1684
01:32:33,804 --> 01:32:37,237
How often did you go
to the mosque?
1685
01:32:37,337 --> 01:32:40,036
Five times a day
I'll assume, surely.
1686
01:32:40,137 --> 01:32:42,870
Well...
No?
1687
01:32:42,971 --> 01:32:43,970
[ laughter ]
1688
01:32:44,071 --> 01:32:45,969
Oh, dear.
1689
01:32:46,072 --> 01:32:48,703
Devotion at home, then?
1690
01:32:48,804 --> 01:32:51,336
I'll bet if you got
your prayer mat out now,
1691
01:32:51,438 --> 01:32:54,703
It would have two big holes
in it from so much kneeling.
1692
01:32:54,805 --> 01:32:56,037
Yeah.
[ laughter ]
1693
01:32:56,138 --> 01:32:58,937
Not that, either?
Tsk, tsk.
1694
01:32:59,039 --> 01:33:01,403
At least, I assume
1695
01:33:01,505 --> 01:33:04,038
You kept yourself free
of all pollution.
1696
01:33:04,138 --> 01:33:06,704
You're able to admit,
aren't you,
1697
01:33:06,804 --> 01:33:11,870
With your hand
on the holy qur'an,
1698
01:33:12,071 --> 01:33:15,905
That alcohol
has never passed your lips.
1699
01:33:22,106 --> 01:33:24,837
Hmm.
1700
01:33:24,940 --> 01:33:27,136
Okay, okay, my son.
1701
01:33:27,239 --> 01:33:29,772
I think you
better step down now.
1702
01:33:29,873 --> 01:33:32,372
Yeah.
Yeah.
1703
01:33:36,473 --> 01:33:41,039
You can also add
to that list.
1704
01:33:41,140 --> 01:33:45,373
I've lied...
1705
01:33:45,474 --> 01:33:47,605
To the people
I love the most.
1706
01:33:47,707 --> 01:33:49,871
I've been a poor father.
1707
01:33:49,973 --> 01:33:55,204
Been trying so hard to find
myself that I forgot myself.
1708
01:33:55,306 --> 01:33:59,504
I forgot who I am,
1709
01:33:59,606 --> 01:34:02,139
Which is
a husband and a father.
1710
01:34:03,673 --> 01:34:09,539
And, yes, I have not been
the muslim I should have been.
1711
01:34:09,640 --> 01:34:12,606
But who here has?
1712
01:34:12,708 --> 01:34:17,640
Who here has,
except for arshad al-masri?
1713
01:34:17,740 --> 01:34:23,240
And what is your name,
solly?
1714
01:34:25,907 --> 01:34:30,973
My name is mahmud nasir.
1715
01:34:31,074 --> 01:34:33,308
And for once, yes,
for a very short period,
1716
01:34:33,408 --> 01:34:35,607
It was
solly shimshileewitz.
1717
01:34:35,709 --> 01:34:38,540
And of that,
I am no longer ashamed.
1718
01:34:38,642 --> 01:34:40,674
[ crowd murmuring ]
1719
01:34:40,775 --> 01:34:43,541
A good man,
a good muslim,
1720
01:34:43,641 --> 01:34:47,141
Should not just never lie
about who he is,
1721
01:34:47,207 --> 01:34:51,440
He should also
never lie about who he was.
1722
01:34:51,508 --> 01:34:54,174
Oh, and,
by the way, arshad,
1723
01:34:54,275 --> 01:34:57,407
"strive hard
against the unbelievers" --
1724
01:34:57,507 --> 01:35:00,508
It's al-tawbah ayah 73.
1725
01:35:04,143 --> 01:35:06,641
Here's the thing
about our clerics.
1726
01:35:06,742 --> 01:35:09,142
Some of them really do teach us
about the holy qur'an.
1727
01:35:09,243 --> 01:35:10,675
And that's fantastic.
1728
01:35:10,777 --> 01:35:12,074
Some of them are out there,
1729
01:35:12,176 --> 01:35:15,309
Protecting our oppressed
brothers and sisters.
1730
01:35:15,409 --> 01:35:17,775
And some of them...
[ scoffs ]
1731
01:35:17,876 --> 01:35:23,108
...Are beardy, weirdy fuckers
who make shit up!
1732
01:35:23,208 --> 01:35:26,542
[ cheers and applause ]
1733
01:35:30,143 --> 01:35:33,542
Now, listen, you.
1734
01:35:33,643 --> 01:35:37,743
I don't care about all
your stupid arguments.
1735
01:35:37,844 --> 01:35:41,210
Get off of my stage!
1736
01:35:41,310 --> 01:35:44,675
Your son will never marry
my stepdaughter!
1737
01:35:44,776 --> 01:35:46,510
Oh, what's that?
What?
1738
01:35:46,611 --> 01:35:49,342
What's that in your eye,
that little spasm there?
1739
01:35:49,444 --> 01:35:51,877
It's -- it's brought on
by anger, isn't it?
1740
01:35:51,977 --> 01:35:56,110
It's called a blepharospasm --
very rare. Yeah.
1741
01:35:56,212 --> 01:35:58,476
Tell you what,
why don't you just...
1742
01:35:58,578 --> 01:36:00,277
Close your eyes?
1743
01:36:00,378 --> 01:36:01,445
[ snaps fingers ]
1744
01:36:03,278 --> 01:36:06,343
[ rock music plays ]
1745
01:36:17,379 --> 01:36:21,243
In 1962 in manchester,
a baby boy was born.
1746
01:36:21,346 --> 01:36:24,078
His name
was jimmy monassa,
1747
01:36:24,178 --> 01:36:27,412
Later to be known
as gary page --
1748
01:36:27,512 --> 01:36:29,511
My favorite pop star.
1749
01:36:29,612 --> 01:36:31,211
Yeah.
1750
01:36:31,312 --> 01:36:35,078
Gary made one good album
and a lot of shit ones.
1751
01:36:35,179 --> 01:36:38,280
This one in particular --
really shit.
1752
01:36:38,380 --> 01:36:40,878
Gary -- oh, fuck it.
1753
01:36:40,979 --> 01:36:44,546
Gary "died"
about 10 years ago.
1754
01:36:44,647 --> 01:36:47,379
Yeah, at that time he was
trying to avoid a few tax issues
1755
01:36:47,480 --> 01:36:49,378
And nonpayment of child support
1756
01:36:49,479 --> 01:36:52,912
To five kids
from five different women.
1757
01:36:53,014 --> 01:36:56,545
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Stop, you fucking idiots!
1758
01:36:56,646 --> 01:36:59,812
Fuck off, you fucking paki!
1759
01:36:59,913 --> 01:37:02,378
[ crowd murmuring ]
1760
01:37:02,479 --> 01:37:07,912
Now, his left eye,
the blepharospasm.
1761
01:37:21,215 --> 01:37:25,247
Well done.
1762
01:37:30,314 --> 01:37:33,013
Oh, and by the way --
not that it matters --
1763
01:37:33,114 --> 01:37:36,513
Just so you know,
mr. And mrs. Monassa --
1764
01:37:36,615 --> 01:37:39,047
Scientologists.
1765
01:37:39,148 --> 01:37:40,582
[ laughter ]
1766
01:37:40,781 --> 01:37:42,314
[ rock music plays ]
1767
01:37:52,515 --> 01:37:55,482
Come here,
you crazy, crazy man.
1768
01:37:55,616 --> 01:37:57,481
That's my dad.
Yep. That's my dad.
1769
01:37:57,582 --> 01:38:00,348
Dad, that was class.
How did you know?
1770
01:38:00,450 --> 01:38:03,215
I know. It's when he came out
and sang that song.
1771
01:38:03,315 --> 01:38:05,448
I'd -- I'd know that tone
anywhere.
1772
01:38:05,549 --> 01:38:07,615
But it wasn't until you told me
to open my eyes, son.
1773
01:38:07,716 --> 01:38:10,949
Thanks, my son.
1774
01:38:11,050 --> 01:38:13,248
Hey.
1775
01:38:20,349 --> 01:38:23,982
Hey!
1776
01:38:24,116 --> 01:38:27,783
Lenny:
Liverpool street.
1777
01:38:27,883 --> 01:38:30,515
Liverpool street.
Anyone?
1778
01:38:32,051 --> 01:38:33,882
Liverpool street.
1779
01:38:33,951 --> 01:38:36,782
Liverpool fucking motherfucking
street station!
1780
01:38:36,884 --> 01:38:38,417
Anyone! For fuck's sake!
1781
01:38:38,551 --> 01:38:40,516
Man: I can't hear you.
I'm pinned up in here.
1782
01:38:40,616 --> 01:38:42,350
Woman: I'm never using
this company again.
1783
01:38:42,451 --> 01:38:44,583
Right, sorry.
1784
01:38:44,684 --> 01:38:46,017
[ telephone rings ]
1785
01:38:46,117 --> 01:38:47,249
Yeah.
1786
01:38:47,418 --> 01:38:48,917
Mahmud: Yeah, I'd like a car
to lancaster, please.
1787
01:38:49,017 --> 01:38:50,382
Mahmud, where are you?
1788
01:38:50,484 --> 01:38:52,216
You --
you give me this job
1789
01:38:52,317 --> 01:38:55,250
And then you don't show up
yourself, you schmuck.
1790
01:38:55,284 --> 01:38:57,283
In fact,
I'd like three cars,
1791
01:38:57,385 --> 01:38:59,817
Like you're
supposed to have sorted?
1792
01:38:59,951 --> 01:39:03,150
It's today, lenny!
Today!
1793
01:39:03,252 --> 01:39:06,682
You schmucking twat.
1794
01:39:09,618 --> 01:39:13,617
[ up-tempo music plays ]
1795
01:39:13,719 --> 01:39:15,051
[ camera shutter clicks ]
1796
01:39:22,718 --> 01:39:24,384
Mmm!
1797
01:39:25,919 --> 01:39:29,218
[ man rapping in arabic ]
1798
01:39:58,286 --> 01:40:00,285
[ cheering ]
1799
01:40:14,787 --> 01:40:16,852
Are you all right?
1800
01:40:16,955 --> 01:40:18,619
Oh, mahmud, mahmud.
1801
01:40:18,721 --> 01:40:20,019
Saamiya: Oh, my god, mahmud,
are you okay?
1802
01:40:20,120 --> 01:40:21,853
Somebody come and help.
Come and help.
1803
01:40:21,953 --> 01:40:24,287
[ indistinct conversations ]
1804
01:40:29,022 --> 01:40:30,886
Hey.
[ clears throat ]
1805
01:40:30,987 --> 01:40:33,720
Muslim enough for you?
1806
01:40:33,820 --> 01:40:35,553
Actually wasn't that bad,
you know?
1807
01:40:35,654 --> 01:40:36,553
Hmm.
1808
01:40:36,654 --> 01:40:39,720
I quite enjoyed it,
being a jew.
1809
01:40:39,821 --> 01:40:41,553
What was that?
1810
01:40:41,654 --> 01:40:42,720
What was what?
1811
01:40:42,822 --> 01:40:44,520
What was that?
What?
1812
01:40:44,622 --> 01:40:46,354
What? That you did --
you did --
1813
01:40:46,454 --> 01:40:48,521
You did a big...Gesture,
1814
01:40:48,622 --> 01:40:50,353
Big-nose gesture
when you said "jew."
1815
01:40:50,455 --> 01:40:52,187
I did not.
You did, too.
1816
01:40:52,288 --> 01:40:56,920
No, I was just doing a --
it's a friendly wave.
1817
01:40:57,021 --> 01:40:59,588
Who were you waving at?
1818
01:40:59,689 --> 01:41:00,588
What?
1819
01:41:00,689 --> 01:41:01,755
Who were you waving at?
1820
01:41:01,856 --> 01:41:03,422
I was waving at you.
Hey.
1821
01:41:03,522 --> 01:41:05,588
You see, no,
you haven't learned a thing.
1822
01:41:05,689 --> 01:41:08,988
You -- you --
you did the big-nose mime,
1823
01:41:09,089 --> 01:41:10,654
The schnozzle mime.
1824
01:41:10,756 --> 01:41:11,789
That's what you did.
1825
01:41:11,889 --> 01:41:14,022
It's -- it's -- it's all
anti-semitism with jews.
1826
01:41:14,123 --> 01:41:15,321
You know that?
It's true.
1827
01:41:15,422 --> 01:41:17,188
Asking to move your cab
is anti-semitic.
1828
01:41:17,289 --> 01:41:19,088
You know, I do a wave at you,
I'm hitler.
1829
01:41:19,190 --> 01:41:21,521
I invite you to my son's
wedding, and what do you do?
1830
01:41:21,623 --> 01:41:23,288
You know, if you're
gonna be anti-semitic,
1831
01:41:23,388 --> 01:41:24,757
At least stop sounding
so jewish.
1832
01:41:24,857 --> 01:41:26,188
Ha!
There you go again!
1833
01:41:26,289 --> 01:41:27,722
What?
There you go again!
1834
01:41:27,822 --> 01:41:29,689
What?
You -- what is it
with you people?
1835
01:41:29,790 --> 01:41:31,489
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
1836
01:41:31,589 --> 01:41:34,256
You are "you people."
that's why you have a big nose.
1837
01:41:34,357 --> 01:41:36,856
That's -- no, there's nature
and there's nurture.
1838
01:41:36,957 --> 01:41:39,523
This nose -- big, yes,
but it was made in pakistan.
1839
01:41:39,624 --> 01:41:40,657
It's not jewish.
1840
01:41:40,756 --> 01:41:42,023
You know, yeah.
That's -- that's right.
1841
01:41:42,124 --> 01:41:43,356
It was made in pakistan.
1842
01:41:43,457 --> 01:41:45,356
It's not jewish because it
doesn't have enough suffering
1843
01:41:45,458 --> 01:41:46,289
To be a real jewish nose.
1844
01:41:46,391 --> 01:41:47,655
You're actually
very racist.
1845
01:41:47,757 --> 01:41:49,156
You're very racist.
You know that?
I am not racist.
1846
01:41:49,256 --> 01:41:51,056
I'm saying that my nose is
a real jewish nose.
1847
01:41:51,158 --> 01:41:52,289
You don't even know
about you.
1848
01:41:52,390 --> 01:41:54,223
You have some papers
that say you're jewish.
1849
01:41:54,324 --> 01:41:55,723
I don't care
if I have a jewish nose.
1850
01:41:55,824 --> 01:41:57,323
Who knows if you're
really izzy's son?
I don't know that.
1851
01:41:57,424 --> 01:41:59,357
Let me tell you something.
1852
01:41:59,457 --> 01:42:01,923
Your cockney accent
is shite.
1853
01:42:02,024 --> 01:42:03,624
� yes, I got to have faith �
1854
01:42:03,724 --> 01:42:06,591
� mm, I got to have faith �
1855
01:42:06,691 --> 01:42:09,090
� because I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith �
1856
01:42:09,191 --> 01:42:11,924
� I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith �
1857
01:42:12,024 --> 01:42:14,091
� baby �
1858
01:42:14,191 --> 01:42:16,591
� I know
you're asking me to stay �
1859
01:42:16,692 --> 01:42:18,923
� saying please, please,
please, don't go away �
1860
01:42:19,025 --> 01:42:21,091
� you say
I'm giving you the blues �
1861
01:42:21,192 --> 01:42:23,924
� maybe, huh �
1862
01:42:24,025 --> 01:42:26,392
� you mean every word you say �
1863
01:42:26,493 --> 01:42:28,891
� can't help
but think of yesterday �
1864
01:42:28,992 --> 01:42:32,392
� and another who tied me down
to loverboy rules �
1865
01:42:32,493 --> 01:42:34,725
� before this river �
1866
01:42:34,826 --> 01:42:37,491
� becomes an ocean �
1867
01:42:37,593 --> 01:42:41,058
� before you throw my heart
back on the floor �
1868
01:42:41,159 --> 01:42:44,725
� oh, baby, I reconsider �
1869
01:42:44,825 --> 01:42:47,226
� my foolish notion �
1870
01:42:47,326 --> 01:42:49,393
� well, I need someone
to hold me �
1871
01:42:49,493 --> 01:42:51,791
� but I'll wait
for something more �
1872
01:42:51,893 --> 01:42:53,626
� yes, I got to have faith �
1873
01:42:53,726 --> 01:42:56,625
� mm, I got to have faith �
1874
01:42:56,725 --> 01:42:59,092
� because I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith �
1875
01:42:59,193 --> 01:43:02,591
� I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith �
1876
01:43:02,693 --> 01:43:05,027
[ intro to "this confusion"
plays ]
1877
01:43:10,361 --> 01:43:13,927
� I went to the house of love �
1878
01:43:14,028 --> 01:43:17,292
� I thought it was the place
I should be in �
1879
01:43:17,361 --> 01:43:20,993
� I thought I knew
just where I was �
1880
01:43:21,094 --> 01:43:24,093
� but I was really lost
inside myself �
1881
01:43:24,195 --> 01:43:27,926
� I've spoke to many wiser men �
1882
01:43:28,027 --> 01:43:31,227
� they talk
about a brand-new day �
1883
01:43:31,326 --> 01:43:34,727
� unless you do it
through and through �
1884
01:43:34,828 --> 01:43:38,227
� until my soul
had gone astray �
1885
01:43:38,327 --> 01:43:40,761
� oh, lord, you've got
to make me see �
1886
01:43:40,862 --> 01:43:42,594
� you got to give some �
1887
01:43:42,694 --> 01:43:45,061
� you got to point the way out �
1888
01:43:45,161 --> 01:43:47,428
� oh, lord,
I want to see it through �
1889
01:43:47,528 --> 01:43:49,228
� I want to understand �
1890
01:43:49,328 --> 01:43:52,228
� I want to know who I am �
1891
01:43:52,329 --> 01:43:59,128
� lord, help me please
get through this confusion �
1892
01:43:59,228 --> 01:44:04,894
� you've just got to help me
through this confusion �
1893
01:44:06,362 --> 01:44:09,927
� never gonna work it out �
1894
01:44:10,028 --> 01:44:13,428
� never gonna learn
a whole new song �
1895
01:44:13,529 --> 01:44:16,662
� know I'm gonna be the fool �
1896
01:44:16,762 --> 01:44:20,262
� always gonna get it
all so wrong �
1897
01:44:20,362 --> 01:44:23,528
� but there is a way to go �
1898
01:44:23,630 --> 01:44:26,928
� never gonna set this world
to right �
1899
01:44:27,063 --> 01:44:30,628
� until I find myself �
1900
01:44:30,730 --> 01:44:34,096
� get myself in my own sight �
1901
01:44:34,196 --> 01:44:36,329
� oh, lord,
you got to make me see �
1902
01:44:36,462 --> 01:44:38,062
� you got to give some �
1903
01:44:38,164 --> 01:44:40,728
� you got to point the way out �
1904
01:44:40,830 --> 01:44:43,229
� oh, lord,
I want to see it through �
1905
01:44:43,331 --> 01:44:45,063
� I want to understand �
1906
01:44:45,163 --> 01:44:47,730
� I want to know who I am �
1907
01:44:47,830 --> 01:44:54,630
� lord, help me please
get through this confusion �
1908
01:44:54,731 --> 01:45:00,564
� you've just got to help me
through this confusion �