Original subtitles

Why do so many of us have trouble talking about sex or being open and

about our bodies when it's the most natural thing?

Deficiencies in your sex life affect every single aspect of your life.

So many people have deep -seated shame, secrecy, and inhibition, whether single,

in a relationship, or married.

All the love is there except for below the waist, and it's driving me nuts.

Something needs to give help.

Who do we turn to when we have trouble with our sex lives? We're stripping away

the layers of guilt and shame.

Tonight, I'm on a journey to explore two unusual approaches to sexual healing

with two very different women.

May I put my cheek against your cheek?

Yes, you may.

What most people want more than anything.

is to experience meaningful connection with others, to love and be loved. Are

you ready for this exercise?

Yeah, I am.

But it starts by getting comfortable with ourselves.

So let's take off our clothes.

And as it turns out, even I could use a little help learning to love my own

body. Kind of makes me feel like getting naked.

Yes, please.

38 -year -old Jennifer and 34 -year -old Ricky seem like any typical loving

couple.

Jennifer is a yoga teacher, and Ricky is retired from the Marines in training to

be a bodyguard.

When they married three years ago, Ricky didn't think twice about jumping into

the role of stepdad for Jennifer's nine -year -old son, Mason, born with special

needs. He is this beautiful, beautiful child that has taught everybody around

him love and patience.

We're kind of alike in a way. I grew up with a stutter. I was bullied. So it was

my obligation to protect him and to teach him things.

I'll push you some more.

There you go.

Forward and back.

He's been a big focal point in our relationship.

There's a lot of care that goes into him. It's a little bit extra.

Ricky and Jennifer have a great marriage.

They love their child, and they're still in love with each other.

There's just one thing.

Like an estimated 15 % to 20 % of all married couples, the fire has gone out.

Every three months or so, I just have, like, this freak out of, like, can we

talk about this? Can we deal with this? All the love is there except for below

the waist, and it's driving me nuts. Like, it really is.

How is the sporadic intimacy?

affected you? I've gotten very insecure.

Like, why even try to initiate anything when I'm going to get rejected?

Ricky would be tired, or there was absolutely no response, like, physically

all. It was just, like, touching a rock.

And Ricky, what do you think the reason for the kind of lack of intimacy has

been? To be perfectly honest, all men watch porn. You watch that. So

I felt very self -conscious. I mean, am I big enough for her? Will I give her an

orgasm? And Jennifer, have you felt rejected?

Oh, yes.

Big time. On every level. Just like the deepest, deepest form of rejection

possible. I feel like this fire that I've had.

I am going to cry, but just like the sensual.

passing.

And like this fire has kind of fizzled out from me. And I feel like it's

affected a lot of my life.

Obviously, I'm not pretty enough. I'm not sexy enough.

Am I not like young enough? Like everything in the book that I could

think of, it definitely just went down.

When you hear her talk about how insecure she has felt, how does that

feel? Deep down inside, it's like, you know, should I be having sex with my

wife? Of course.

It makes her cry. If it makes somebody cry, it bothers you. It bothers her, you

know? How did I allow that to happen? I mean, how did I not see that, even

though she was telling me off the top of her lungs, I guess, sometimes?

And I want the whole enchilada.

I do.

Like, I want the whole enchilada. It's like, we've got the friendship, we've

the partnership, the mom and dad thing, and why can't we have the sex?

Many couples find themselves asking the same question, and some are finding...

that they might need some sexual healing.

First of all, I want to say it's a big deal that you both showed up today

because most couples kind of just numb everything in silence.

So how often do you have sex?

Once a month, maybe.

If it happens a lot, it's maybe twice a week, but it'll be twice a week and then

it'll be nothing for a month or five weeks. Or even like three months.

Relationship guru Samizadora is an expert in the art of tantra.

A Hindu and Buddhist form of meditation used to connect men and women with each

other and humanity with the divine.

Sam spent years in India studying this ancient practice.

There was a time, pre -Christianity, that sexuality and sex itself was normal

and something to be worshipped.

People go in temples and they're worshipping the penis and worshipping

vagina. And it blew my mind coming from a Western background that like, wow, I

don't have to be ashamed about sex.

It's actually the most beautiful, revered thing.

And that having sex can be like praying with another person.

So what are the key fundamentals of Tantra?

If there's one tenet of Tantra I want to make people understand is stop having

shame around sexuality.

And then number two, learning how to tap into their natural erotic energy. And

that awakens that erotic energy and gives you permission to be an erotic

SOM has a mission to share Tantra's benefits with couples like Jennifer and

Ricky to help them think differently about sex and their own sexuality.

So in the course of a long -term relationship, especially if you have

often instead of facing each other and having that erotic connection, you kind

of turn and now you're standing side by side facing the world to protect your

child. So what we want to do is get her out of the mother role and get her more

into that erotic role again for you.

To help reconnect the couple spiritually and emotionally, Sam guides them

through a basic yet powerful form of tantric meditation.

You're going to do something I call the kiss meditation.

We're going to stop talking and start feeling.

Get back in your body.

So both of you put your right hand over each other's heart.

And then put your left hand over your partner's hand.

You're holding each other's heart.

I want you to look into your partner's eyes.

I see the eyes are the window to the soul.

Jennifer, I want you to really receive Ricky's feeling of caring about you.

I want you to receive that your beautiful regards of whether somebody is

sexually desiring you at the moment. Are you beautiful anyway?

Do you love yourself anyway?

For Jennifer and Ricky, it's a reminder to embrace each other as intimate

partners, not just as parents raising a child.

Tom takes the exercise deeper.

with closer physical contact.

So if this was the full erotic version, he would be inside you right now. So you

would feel a connection moving up to the heart. And you're also connecting with

your eyes.

Everything you've known disappears.

And just be here with each other and worship each other's bodies.

There's so many men right now in our world who get their sexual release

porn and they can't eroticize their wife and let go of the years of programming.

That as a man, I can't, you know, have sex with a woman I love.

You can lose yourself inside that sexual experience and this woman can still be

there for you and love you and your connection can be that deep.

The session ends with one more exercise for Ricky and Jennifer to try later.

in the privacy of their own home. Take a little bit of this coconut oil.

We're stripping away the layers of guilt and shame and having this very deep and

beautiful sexual healing by saying, sex is beauty, sex is worship, sex is love

and connection.

Just feel total permission and pleasure and exhale.

Feel that exchange of love instead of judgment, separation.

You feel now connection and intimacy.

And that's that sexual healing.

How do you feel, Jennifer?

I feel like a goddess.

I really admire the step that Ricky and Jen are taking.

I mean, what they've been experiencing is what so many couples are dealing

Let's put it this way. I've been married 10 years, and I am very curious to know

if this stuff is going to work.

I want you to put one hand on your throat and one hand on your belly. To

continue my education in sexual healing, today I'm sitting in on something

different with Sama Zadora, a tantra workshop.

I'm surrounded by 15 other women, all here for the same reason. They want more

out of their sex lives.

One of the biggest issues when I work with women is they've been taught not to

feel how sensual and beautiful their bodies are.

And this feeling is what makes you sexy.

Remember, Tantra isn't just about having sex.

It's tapping into the sexual energy as the power that runs your life.

Now we're going to move to the breath of arousal. This is going to build up all

that fire and that juicy heat in your body that we call Shakti.

Reworking your nervous system so you can have more pleasure.

Tap into your own sexuality.

A lot of women are always looking for approval from everyone else. Does that

think you're attractive? Does everyone else think you're attractive?

I need you to find in yourself your own relationship to your sexual energy.

You've been taught to disconnect from your vagina, and we are reconnecting

you have been disconnected.

And this is like praying.

You pray from your own body, from your own empowerment, which for women is your

greatest power is your sexual energy.

Psalm tells me that people can feel disconnected from their sexuality for a

variety of reasons, from conservative family upbringing to overall stressful

jobs to abuse or sexual trauma.

Fifty -four -year -old Celia attributes feeling uncomfortable with her own body

to something that happened when she was a child.

Now I want you to describe when's the first time you felt this pain.

Inhale, breathe in for that feeling of pain or discomfort.

It's the summer after I finished grade seven.

How old are you? I'm 12.

He's 19.

He's 19.

And he started making out with you at 12.

Did he initiate that or you? He did.

The shame for Celia began when other kids found out that an older boy had

paying attention to her. What did they say? What words did they say? Because

your body has those words locked here where you're numb.

A lot. Okay. Say it out loud.

Okay, so remember where you said that this felt numb and gray?

Do you know why it's numb and gray?

Because you had to protect yourself from people saying the word flat, but it got

locked here. And then you've numbed. You don't want to think that or feel that.

You're trying to avoid that pain, so you've shut down the ability to feel

When they called you a slut, you felt... Dirty.

Okay, inhale, breathe that in.

Exhale, let it go.

Tantra and sexual healing for me, I have a full menu.

People come in and they're like, I want to have better orgasms.

But for some people, they really want to go to the deepest level of what I call

their sex root.

And for the women in the workshop, a lot of them, it's affected their choices in

their marriages, their self -esteem. It affects everything.

Most therapy that we do is very much on the surface because we don't have a

sexual healing as a culture.

Imagine one of those girls standing in front of you. What would you say?

I'm not a slut.

The only is a slut. I'm not a slut. The only is a slut.

Off.

And what do you say to him?

Open your eyes and look at me.

And I want you to pretend. What do you say to him?

You're an asshole.

You're an asshole and you should have kept your finger out of my vagina.

And then you shouldn't have put your penis there either.

You've ruined years of pleasure in my life.

Bring that in.

So because he put his penis inside you at 12 years old, you internalized that

and thought it was your fault instead of saying the person in a position of

power should have held a boundary.

You shared such an intimate story downstairs.

What did you think of sex before you started this journey?

I was married for 27 years without experiencing an orgasm. Even watching a

where there was a sex scene would just make me cringe in pain and shame that I

couldn't even watch it because I couldn't figure out why that couldn't be

possible for me.

How did it feel to unleash that almost demon that was inside of you for so

Amazing. I wouldn't want anybody to have...

to hide what I hid for so long.

So do you think you're a sexual person now?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

And I know my body's not broken.

Yay.

So when we do this sound breath again, it's going to help you break that

of not just sexual expression, but expression of being able to talk to

ask for what you want in life, not just in the bedroom.

This is going to increase your confidence in everything that you do in

life. It's all connected.

So inhale raise your arm and exhale

Guys, keep your eyes closed. Don't give your energy away.

I want you to feel the power in yourself for yourself.

People always say with Tondra, I don't have a partner. Do you have a vagina?

You better learn how to use it. And then when you go have a partner, you're

coming from an empowered place.

Some teachers sexual empowerment, but another method of sexual healing take a

very different approach.

How are you feeling?

The warmth of your palms on my cheeks is especially pleasurable.

Emiko Yoshikami lives in San Francisco, and like Tantra teacher Samizadora, she

has a very unusual profession.

I really thought about what I would want to do in this world.

I want to do something really akin to therapy, but also have the element of

touch and affection, of being able to hold my client and being sexual with my

client.

Like Sam, Emiko's work is all about sexual healing, but her methods are

different.

Emiko is a surrogate partner, and her work is highly controversial.

What is a surrogate partner?

So a surrogate partner is part of a therapeutic process. So you have a

therapist, a surrogate partner, and a client.

So usually the way it works is a therapist has a client who has intimacy

and they bring me on, and I actually develop real intimate physical and

emotional relationships with my client.

Is there a typical profile?

of your clients?

Most people see me because they believe that something's wrong with the way that

they function.

And then I get people who have a history of sexual abuse.

So there's really a variety of reasons people come to see me.

There are some who say that what you do is sex work.

How do you respond to that?

There are a few differences.

One is that we're always working with a therapist and the intentions are very

different. So as opposed to this work being about entertainment, being about

sexual gratification, this is about healing, this is about a therapeutic

relationship.

But yeah, this is also about sex.

While it's not sanctioned in many places around the country, a professional

organization certifies and sets standards for surrogates like Emiko, who

works in concert with a talk therapist.

He shared with me a little bit about how he felt.

Yeah,

next time I work with him, I think we'll just do more of the face caress and the

may I will you game. So he gets more comfortable with all that.

Today, Emiko has a session with a client named Keith, who she's been working

with for nearly three months.

May the session be in harmony with Keith's feelings.

May he feel grounded.

strong, and safe.

At 60, Keith has never had a serious long -term girlfriend, and there's a

for that.

How would you describe your childhood?

It was painful. It wasn't easy.

Totally in survival mode.

What was going on in your home?

Abuse as far back as I can remember, even three years old.

Physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse.

Extreme neglect.

At age 25, Keith began working with a talk therapist.

And slowly, over the course of 35 years, he's made progress.

But fear of intimacy still holds him back.

Recently, his therapist suggested he try a unique approach to healing, one that

sometimes involves sex.

Had you ever heard of anything like that before?

Vaguely, I didn't have much of an idea. I did have to come home and do a lot of

research, yeah, because it scared me. So you weren't into it initially?

Oh, my gosh, no. I was terrified.

I knew this would require me to really take some risks and get close to someone

in an intimate way, even just a hug.

And what propelled you to go forward and do it?

I kept thinking about how lonely I was and how much I really wanted a deep

emotional connection.

For Keith, sexual intimacy is indeed a long -term goal, but that's way down the

road.

First,

he must learn to find comfort in the simplest forms of touch with another

being.

Hi, how are you doing?

Doing really well. Yeah? Yay, I'm so glad to hear that.

Can I put my hand on yours? Yes, you may.

Great. Thank you.

Yeah. Let's take a couple deep breaths into our bellies.

letting the body just kind of sink in, feeling our hands connected.

Mindful of the years of abuse Keith endured during his childhood, Emiko

slow and patient approach to their sessions together.

While her work with clients can sometimes lead to actually having sex,

Keith, she takes baby steps.

So the purpose of this exercise is for you to just really enjoy.

I will let you know if anything feels uncomfortable.

Okay, good.

And just relax and have fun.

Deal? Yes.

May I touch your face?

Yes, you may.

For Keith, learning that touch can be kind, loving, and gentle has been a

struggle.

It's taken him three long months of work with Emiko to get comfortable with the

idea of touching and being touched.

How are you doing, Keith?

Doing really well. It's really amazing to feel all the different textures and

temperatures and contours.

Would you please describe to me what it felt like to you? It all felt amazing.

There were moments where your hand was on my cheek and I just kind of wanted to

sink in, you know? But for the most part, I was just really experiencing the

touch and it felt so good.

I needed to hear from Emiko that my touch felt pleasurable to her. I was

my touch would feel to my partner the way my parents' touch felt to me.

So it felt good to be touched, but for you, really, it was knowing that

your touch was...

Not a dangerous touch.

Yes, it was an enormous relief to hear that my touch was pleasurable and gentle

and kind and that she really enjoyed it.

That's been one of the most healing things.

They're all different types of touch. And often I'm able to relax more knowing

that the other person is really just enjoying it for themselves, right? The

of us just allowing ourselves to experience good sensations.

This is totally for you.

Yeah.

Keith, may I have your permission to touch your face and head?

Yes, you may.

Thank you.

Why do you think touch is so important?

Oh, gosh, it's no different than food or water or air. We all need touch to

nurture ourselves.

It is a part of who we are, but healthy touch.

And how are you feeling?

Very safe, very nurtured. I really sunk into it to enjoy the touch and the

pleasure. The warmth of your palms and my cheeks was especially pleasurable.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, you touch my hair.

Yes.

This is kind of a strange question, Keith, but when you're with Amigo, do

feel like a child?

In some ways.

The nurturing that I didn't get is being fulfilled.

I'm getting what I missed.

Do you actually feel yourself being healed?

Oh my gosh, yes.

I'm such a different person than I was four months ago.

I'm so much more out in the open. The world feels safer because of my work

her.

May I put my cheek against your cheek?

Yes, you may.

Whether you're in a marriage, a relationship, or single, there's one

all share.

Everyone has issues with their body.

Too fat, too thin, too flat, too round.

We all have something we don't like.

27 -year -old Justin is no different.

But Justin has an added challenge. He was born with cerebral palsy, a movement

disorder that he's worked hard all his life to overcome.

It affects all my muscles. It mainly affects my walking and talking ability.

I don't like being defined as having a disability, but sadly, people

use that to define me.

Like many single men in their 20s, Justin is looking for love.

I never really wanted sex.

I wanted more than anything just to hold a girl's hand and feel emotionally

connected to them.

Do you think that your disability has affected the way girls see you?

Yes, tremendously.

They act like I was someone that they needed to take care of,

not someone they could love.

During his adolescent years, while many classmates were experimenting with

romance and sex,

Justin was left on the sidelines.

He reached his early 20s, never having kissed a girl, held anyone's hand, or

told someone, I love you.

But a doorway to possibility opened for Justin the night he saw The Sessions.

In telling the story of a surrogate partnership, the film introduced

to a new kind of therapy.

Do you have any areas of unusual sensitivity?

Any parts of your body you don't want me to touch?

I have normal sensitivity all over.

You can touch me anywhere.

After I saw the movie, I realized that surrogate partner therapy was exactly

what I was looking for.

It was a leap into the unknown.

Justin took a small inheritance from his grandfather, flew from his home in

Texas to San Francisco, and hired Emiko.

The mirror exercise is something that we do when we're transitioning into being

naked with each other. We both get naked and we stand in front of a full -length

mirror and I talk about how I feel about my body.

And then I'll have my clients do the same thing.

Okay, so I'll stand in front of the mirror and tell you what I think about

body, from my hair to my toes.

When you do the mirror exercise, do most people like what they see?

Most people have some criticisms, for sure. Everybody has something that they

don't like.

And this can also be a way to bring kindness and love into our bodies.

So... Here's my body naked.

On the whole, I feel pretty good about it.

I actually got really lucky in terms of my hair.

I cut it myself.

I just get out of the shower, do this, do this, and I'm good. So lucky on that

front. I like the shape of my eyes, the color I'm not wild about.

I actually really like my breath.

I like the size.

They're like a handful, you know, like not too big, not too small.

They are sagging. So part of me wants to say, oh, come on, just be a little bit

more perky. But I've gotten used to it. I think I'm fine with it.

Yeah. Let me think if I missed anything.

That's it.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

I like my hair. I actually hate cutting it,

but like I hate long hair, so I cut it on a regular basis.

I actually hate my glasses just because many people tell me

I would look better without them.

My teeth.

I absolutely hate my teeth.

But, yeah.

Okay, whatever.

I really hate my legs because they aren't hairy here, but hairy

here. So, like, make up your mind.

I think penises get a bad rap because...

People never know how they ought to be, but I will say I'm a

grower and not a shower.

So, yeah, and that's all I will say.

That's great.

That's my body.

So how does that feel?

It makes me realize that I'm way too crucial to my body.

One thing that I've learned, especially through my work, is everybody has

different preferences, right?

And so you can look in the mirror and be like, oh, I hate this about myself.

And another person could say, that's what I love the most, or I love that

the way that you look.

That was amazing to watch.

And you are so brave.

I mean, you're both so brave to do this.

When you first took off your clothes, I honestly felt a little emotional.

But then watching you and how confident you are, you, I think, like and feel

confident about more parts of your body than I do.

It kind of makes me feel like getting naked.

I love it. You are welcome to.

Just seeing how confident you are right now, just how secure you

are right at this moment is pretty amazing.

But I'll tell you something.

I had a baby three months ago, and I feel so...

Uneasy with my body my husband had barely seen me naked since I had my baby

even you know while I was pregnant I Think I have to do it do it. Yeah right

now. I think I kind of have to do it right now Yes, please

I'm telling you. I'm the only person who's seen myself naked

in a very long time We got your back

Okay. Take off my mic first.

We all know that no one is perfect.

And everyone is different.

But let's face it, we all have hang -ups about our bodies. I have a very big

scar. I love scars.

And I'm wearing a nursing bra still.

But what if we just got naked and got over it?

I'm going to look at myself right now.

Hopefully I won't start lactating.

So, yeah, just talk about how you feel about different parts of your body.

I like my hair.

And my hair is sometimes kind of a source of security for me.

It's easy. I don't like to do anything with it. I don't even like to cut it.

It's easy.

I need ease in my life.

I definitely, definitely...

started noticing that I'm not 24 anymore.

I definitely see all the lines that are starting to develop, but I'm 43 years

old and it just is what it is.

My lips are fine.

They're fine.

I'm really not liking my breasts right now because I've had a

three -month -old baby sucking on them pretty relentlessly.

They used to be kind of perky, and now they're not.

They just are what they are, though.

It's actually kind of amazing to see both of you on both sides of me,

And I feel calmer right now, a little emotional still.

You know what?

Even though I've been disliking my breath, they look okay right now to me.

It's funny, right? I haven't felt that way, and I haven't even liked to look at

them, but they actually look okay to me right now.

It's the first time they've kind of looked okay in a while.

I have this line that women get sometimes when they're pregnant, and it

about a year to go away.

I don't even mind my scar because this is where two lives emerged from.

I haven't even wanted to look at my body. Now, after seeing what you guys

and looking at it now and really, really looking at it, I feel better about it.

I feel okay.

for sharing with us.

As I was watching you both, I just thought, these people are so brave to be

doing this.

And it's so, like I just, I wasn't even thinking twice about the fact that you

were naked. You know, you were just, you're just bodies. We're just bodies,

know? And we all have them and we're all different.

And your bodies are beautiful.

We've had some really amazingly beautiful bodies going on right now.

Yeah, we really do.

I certainly didn't start my day thinking that I was going to take off all my

clothes.

But when I watched Justin and Emiko looking at themselves and so confidently

carrying on a conversation without a shred of clothing on, I wanted to feel

way as well. And while I felt incredibly nervous and anxious, I just started to

think, why do we feel this way? These are just our bodies and we're all

different. And if we could get past those insecurities about our bodies.

We might not need to be sexually healed.

Why do so many of us have so much shame surrounding sex and our bodies, even

though both are perfectly normal and natural?

Touch and the desire to feel connected with others is part of what makes us

human. So at some point, would you like to spoon a bit?

I would, yes, very much.

Let's get really super, super, super, super, super, super comfortable.

For Keith, it's been a long, slow journey.

But in his work with Emiko, he's made great strides.

Deep breaths.

At 60 years old, it's taken his entire adult life.

But Keith has finally experienced the joy of touch.

All my life it's felt dirty. I was afraid of admitting that I was a sexual

sensual being. Now it feels just like a really beautiful, loving thing that's

necessary. And we all need that kind of connection.

And without that, there's a part of us that's missing.

Back in Los Angeles... I catch up with Jennifer and Ricky to see if the Tantra

homework Tom assigned has helped them reconnect spiritually and sexually.

So, how was your night?

After we did the whole meditation, hands on the heart, kissing, eyes on the

eyes, she got on top and it felt so amazing. My heart was like just tingling

just so like I was on this natural high.

And it was the first time I've ever had an orgasm with somebody on top.

Ever. So for that, I was like, Jen, you took my virginity, Jen.

So you only had one session with Tom, but what did you get out of it? To give

permission to just be that sensual woman and not feel ashamed of liking sex.

I do feel transformed. I feel completely empowered.

So many couples are going through what you've been going through. Do you think

that this really could help lots of people?

Yeah. It can. I'm so happy for you. Thank you very much. Everybody can have

I know that they can. I know they can. It's just, I guess, being willing and

wanting to be vulnerable.

For Justin, touching and being touched, being naked and being intimate is about

much more than just sex.

How did this experience change your life?

I can look at the mirror now and not hate my body.

Before I did that with Domingo, I thought right when I found a girlfriend,

would marry them and that would be it.

Now I feel like someone is going to be out there for me and I don't need to

settle.

There's still times where I don't think I'm dateable, but those usually don't

last very long.

Justin has been actively dating online.

I use Coffee Meets Bagel, I use OkCupid, and I

occasionally use Tinder.

I only met Justin a few days ago.

But when you get naked with someone, you kind of get to know them pretty

quickly.

And it's clear to me, whoever ends up with him in the end is going to be one

lucky woman.

There are people who don't think that this kind of therapy should be

How do you respond to those people?

They only see sex as being physical and I think touch.

goes way beyond physical.

For some reason, I knew the touch part was the most important

thing in my life.

So, to what extent, as a culture, do you think we need to be sexually healed? I

think America is super messed up around sex.

I think America needs a massive sexual healing, and I think every person, even

if they don't have trauma, they need a sexual healing just to love their own

bodies and have sex be that next level of being more beautiful and more

connected.