Original subtitles

Hey! What the hell?

I'm going to punch your tits in.

What? I'm going to punch your tits in.

Punch my tits in? That's not a good thread at all. What does that mean?

Punch them in where? There's already a lot in. Like this whole bit is in.

Maybe she means she'll punch him in even further?

So they're poking through my back? Is that it?

That threat makes no sense.

Are you not listening? I'm going to punch you dead, though. I need a threat

makes sense. Like, I'm going to smack you so hard you'll wear your snot like a

scarf.

That's good.

Right? Snot like a scarf? You're picturing it.

I'm sorry. I get it. Oh, thank you. I'm really sorry about that.

Pick your shit up. I'm sorry. Thanks, mate. You have a good one.

at stuff, but I know I don't like exercise, and that I've baked my last

for school. Like, I would still recreationally bake a cupcake, but

fundraisers, by March this year, so the school starts in February, by March we

already had three bake sales at our school. I went to the principal, I said,

sorry, what shit is this?

What are we fundraising for? Why do we keep doing bake sales?

And she goes, oh, we need a shade net.

for the playground.

I said, how much money are you hoping to make? She goes, $300.

I go, I'll give the money right now.

I said,

I didn't go buy the shade net. I'll come back with a ladder. I've got to try.

I'll just put it up.

And she goes, no, we must work together.

And it's not even the fundraising that I'm against.

When you find out about those cupcakes.

Now, I'll give my kids, my kids pray that, like, normally the night before,

about 11 o 'clock, when I've been trying to put that little shithead in bed, so

many times I put them, and they come, I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, I have made a

lasagna at this stage.

And this kid keeps getting out of bed, and by 11 o 'clock comes out with a

of paper.

That's all tatty and it's wet. It's always wet. Anything that comes out of

school bag is wet.

This is the instructions for the cupcakes.

Oh, you need 300 cupcakes by morning. This is fantastic.

I don't even mind making the 300 cupcakes, but how do you transport 300

cupcakes? Because you can't stack them, can you? No. Now I'm looking for a

Tupperware that's 12 metres wide, 8 metres wide, and a car to transport that

kind of shit.

You flip that pamphlet over and on the back, there's roughly 20 things that

you're not allowed to put in the cupcakes.

That's right, because these little shits are allergic to everything now.

There are kids who's allergic to chocolate.

Give up.

That's it. Give up. There's no hope for you.

And it's not these kids' fault that they have all these allergies. It's our

fault. Do you remember when you were a kid, who had kids that went to school

with them with allergies?

Exactly. Do you know why? Because our parents knew how to fuck.

They made decent human beings. It's our fault. We're making substandard people.

None of these kids can eat nuts because we've been eating so much crap. When we

were kids, your fingers were always orange. Do you remember the chips we

eat and then for three days you just have orange hands?

And now we all have fertility issues.

So now we all have to go through IVF. That's why these kids are allergic to

because they've never been near a pet.

Nut -free, gluten -free, sugar -free.

Yuck. This isn't sweet at all. I think you'll find it is sweet.

Sweet potato, that is.

Okay.

Sorry, do you have anything with...

With real sugar in it? No, sugar is poison. No nuts, no gluten, no sugar.

No taste?

You want the real sugar treats?

Come on, cook them and cook them.

They didn't reach everyone.

Welcome to the tech shop.

Oh, nice setup.

I've been blackmailing the janitor with photos of him and the home ec teacher.

So I got keys to the kingdom. Thank you, my friend.

Hey, ladies, are we still running at full purity?

95 % through, Chris. Love to hear it. Love to hear it. Good stuff.

It's tight, mate. You know, in here, this is where we make the canteen food.

there, they've got carrots, sticks and quinoa slices. Up in here, you see we've

got the sours here. We've got some marshmallows, full sugar popcorn.

The snakes, jelly beans, rainbow strips, because we're pro -homosexual. We

have... Caramel and vanilla.

Every flavour you can think of, we've got it in there. This is incredible.

Whoa! Hey, hey, rookie, you want to go ahead and pace yourself here. This stuff

is pure.

That thing's going to hit you, and before you know it, you're going to be

bouncing off the walls like you're at your year nine camp, getting finger

-banged for the first time. Hey, that happened in year eight. Hold on.

What are these?

Do you inject these?

No.

Play a little tune on them.

I'm like the Pied Piper for sugar addicts.

How'd you get those in?

Actually, Lynn here brought 14 of these boxes over for us in her anal cavity.

That takes a bit of gaming till you lick them a few times and they're all good.

Oh, yeah, on the nose. Yeah, I can see a seed on that one, Lynn.

She's a trooper. I do actually want to talk to you about something because I

see a lot of myself in you and I need someone to run the operation over at Boy

Scout Hall and I think that can be you.

Tell me you can do it.

Yeah. Yeah? You keen?

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

This is a raid. Nobody move.

You sick me. I didn't. You did.

You sick me. I did not.

Lynn,

what have you done?

Oh, my name's not Lynn.

It's Glenn.

How could I have been so blind?

95 % so gross, huh?

Mind if I dip the tip?

I wouldn't.

Is that chemicals?

Yeah, it's real drugs. It was a mix -up at the port.

That's disgusting.

I've got to pick up Abigail from gymnastics.

Get her out of here!

Well, you're cooked, sweetie!

You're on drugs now!

I've got a whole brick of my asshole!

But you shouldn't worry about your nipples. She's got great nipples.

I do, yes. Play your cards right and you'll see.

I'm being rude.

That was fun.

Yeah, so good. Yeah.

Here we are on the boat.

Can't believe I'm going out with two women. It's always been a fantasy.

We've always wanted a man around here.

Question. If you two are into women, what do you need me for?

There is a certain thing that a man can do that no woman can.

You ready to work for us, big boy?

Ladies, I'll do anything you want me to.

Amazing. Oh, come on.

Open up. Yeah.

Just...

Open the jar.

Oh, yes.

What about this one? It was open, but now I can't get it open again.

Oh, Jan.

Is this S &M?

It's pickles.

Pickled onion.

I need a rest.

Come on, you're doing a really good job. Oh, yeah.

I told you. I knew that would get out.

Orange marmalade.

Open, open.

Fill my nipples, but without touching.

Hello. What?

I'm exhausted.

You're okay.

Ladies, please.

Do we have some more corn?

I've had enough. I'm exhausted. I need a rest.

This is the last one.

Last one. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Get it. Get it. This is the one. Yes.

Come on. Yes.

Shoot that hot load.

Oh, my God. Good job. Oh, look at this.

Oh, my God. Was that good for you? No, it was really good. It was something.

I loved it. Baked pasta pomodoro?

Yeah. I'll make a rocket salad. Good.

Yum. I can't believe how long that took him.

Oh, look at the little guy. He'll tuck it out.

Oh, so cute.

So cute. No,

no, no. Leave it.

He can take it out when he wakes up.

Look, we're all here. We believe in science, right?

Even if you're one of those people who do your own research, you're a

whatever, fine.

I do believe, though, that science sort of favours men's medicine a little bit

stronger, wouldn't you say?

Yeah, and men aren't too scared to answer. I respect that.

Make some noise if you're a woman who has been to the doctor with mastitis.

Yeah.

Mastitis, if you don't know, is a condition when you're breastfeeding,

get so hard, harder than dating in your 50s. They are hot.

They're inflamed. It is so painful.

You just walk around naked around the house like this. I don't know why your

balls are sore too, but there you go.

You remove all the curtains in the house just in case a breeze comes and touches

that tit. It is so painful.

And do you know what a doctor will tell you? A medical professional with a

certificate on the wall will look you straight in the eye and go, here, just

some cabbage leaves on that.

Sorry, what?

You don't have leeches in a fridge here somewhere you can chuck on a tuxedo and

suck it out? No.

I firmly believe that if mastitis were to happen to men's balls, like if your

balls got hot and inflamed and enlarged, right, a man will just walk out into

the middle of town square and there will be some war cry like...

And all the townsfolk will convene, we'll all stand

around this man and the...

would come and do some seance on your balls and, bam, you're healed.

Meanwhile, all the women are standing around smelling like a cabbage patch.

Yeah, I see. Good afternoon, Mr.

and Mrs.

Heterosexuale. How can I help you two cuties today?

You go first. No, you go first. I actually haven't been feeling too good.

a cough and lightheadedness and also chills.

Sounds like you've got that really bad flu that's going around at the moment.

I'm going to prescribe some antibiotics for you. Okay.

And rest.

That's the most important part here. Mm -hmm. No health chores for six months.

Okay. Yeah.

Don't you cry now.

I won't, Doctor. Thank you. Thank you. You're a lifesaver. Hi. Hi. Sorry. I

actually have the same symptoms.

Headache, chills, and the work.

Okay. Well.

Shall we have a look at how we can cure you?

What? Here we go.

What is that?

This is the latest in women's health research.

Oh, I see here. You can boil cabbage leaves and put those on your tartars and

that'll make them feel great.

Oh, okay.

All right.

You can take...

Use coffee grinds and just slowly shove it up your anal cavity.

Okay. Maybe not that one. How about this one? You can shove a jade egg right up

your... How's that going to help?

Oh. Oh, I can see we're going to be fussy today. You're a bit of a fusspot.

Maybe I should make you a special brew.

A what? I've heard about this.

Is that a witch's hat?

Dr. Rabbit, respect.

Fresh pot for the pot.

Some rat tail.

Say this, I plucked this myself.

That chicken never thought of coming.

Oh, eyeballs.

Yes, all the eyeballs.

Have you got anything else? Maybe your titties are sore. You've got sore

titties. Maybe you've got some anxiety. I've actually been getting anxiety when

I go out playing.

Have you? I have. Hey, I want you to know that's completely normal.

It is? Yes, I'm going to give you the strongest valium that I can.

It's just so good to be seen.

Drake! No!

Drake! No!

I don't want this queer women's treatment. Just treat me like a normal

Okay. Well, from what I can see, you carry a lot of extra weight.

You want to lose some of that.

It's going to make you feel lighter.

Also, if you try smiling.

It's an attitude thing.

Don't you feel better?

I feel better.

All right, husband.

Eyes front.

Welcome to a lesbian's guide to being a husband.

You know how they say you give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Love fish.

Teach a man to lesbian and he'll be drowning in wife pussy for the rest of

days.

That's weird.

Okay.

Lesson one.

Attention to detail.

Husband number one, I'm going to be your wife in your dreams.

And I'm wearing my straight lady cardigan. Oh, I'm feeling it now. I

just broke a nail.

I made Spambo again.

What is wrong with my outfit?

Oh, I know.

There's nothing wrong.

You look great, honey.

Wrong.

The tag was sticking out the whole time.

Boys!

Cannot let your wife walk around the mall with a 4XL sticking out of a

That is a divorceable offence.

Listen to.

Argue like a girl.

Husband number two. I am your wife.

I'm coming to you with a situation.

You ready?

Put your toilet seat down. How many times do I need to tell you that, Toby?

sick of your shit.

Now, how are you going to win that argument?

Honey, I just realised it's your period tomorrow and that is why you're upset.

I'm going to give you four marks for courage.

Thank you. And double marks for stupidity.

You play the period card, your marriage is over.

Lesson three.

How to make your woman scream but not in fear or disgust. Okay?

Husband number three.

Let's pretend I'm attracted to you to introduce me.

Hey, you want to...

Get with him.

Now, who wants to tell me what he did wrong, apart from everything?

Wrong? Oh, I know. He undone his shirt buttons.

He did?

When he should have undone his pants.

Oh, yeah. Let the dick out.

Can I just say, straight women are extremely brave.

Honestly, boys, you want to fold your wife over?

I do. You've got to fold the towel.

Boo. Boo.

Boom. Done.

You try it.

What is this wizardry? Fold it. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Can I help you? I'm just

here to pick up my husband. Darren, we're late.

Wait, wait, wait. Why don't you show your wife what you learned? Here.

You got it. Go on.

Go on. Uh, Dylan.

Hey, honey.

Your tag is hanging out.

Is it?

No. No, it's not. Darren.

Oh, you must be on your period.

Behind the walls. Darren.

Check this out.

What am I supposed to do with that, Darren?

I'm afraid Darren's a lost cause.

What? I, however, am fully house trained.

I've got a van out the front.

Do you want to get out of here?

Yeah, I do.

Oh, wow. Bye, Darren.

She's good.

You know, when I was young, I just assumed that drugs, rock and roll, and

sex would ruin my life. But it wasn't that at all.

It's TikTok.

TikTok is busy ruining my life.

Simple things that you think you know how to do, like how to get the avocado

separated from its skin. It's easy. You cut it open, take a spoon, swap it on a

plate, and you're done. But no.

On TikTok, they do it different.

They peel the outside off, and then they cut it in half, and they slice it in

slices, and they put it on a board like, have you seen that? It looks sexy.

I was like, I'm going to do that.

I didn't do that.

Because I go, and I get my avocado, and I get home, and I peel it, and then

there's all these black dots all over it, and I was like, oh, no, my avocado

diseased.

But it was not disease, was it? No.

It's people in my community who would go and squeeze the shit out of that

avocado. All those black dots are people in my community's fingers.

It just drove me nuts. Like, who would do that? Like, why are you squeezing

anything? You're not a farmer.

This may come as no big surprise, but I do have a therapist.

I know, it's like when I meet someone who goes, I've never been to therapy. I

go, red flag, get a red flag.

But I think my therapist might be a red flag because she bought me, for

Christmas, a reflective vest.

She bought me this.

vest because she says oh you want to police what other people do with their

lives so here while i'm away for seven weeks in europe why don't you wear your

little reflective vest and go police what other people are doing i'm like

first of all fuck you secondly she's real cheap

so i have to take some shit i have to go see her so frequently you got to get a

budget friendly one you see

Secondly, I don't want to police what other people do. I don't. I want you to

just be able to do your shit, do your part.

But you don't. So now I do have to police what you do.

We've got one.

Tomato section.

Suspect is male.

Quite tall.

Extremely unattractive to me.

Strike one.

Strike two.

I'm terrible.

Stand by. We're going to take the sucker down.

Not to thumbing it.

Come on, mate, you're inside it.

I could.

Hold your fire.

We need a clean put -back before we can arrest them.

We've got him! Move, move, move!

What the hell? What are you doing?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Ow, ow!

I'm being attacked by the Dally boys!

Ow, ow! Get your toes away from my face, sir!

Come on, get these Dally boys off me!

What are you doing?

Oh, you thought you could come in here in broad daylight and fondle fruit?

My name is Ursula, special troops unit.

We are charging you with fiddling in the third degree.

It's not illegal to inspect fresh produce.

Inspect? You've been to this one so much, if it was a human being, I

marry it.

I just want to find a ripe avocado.

Well, we all would love a ripe avocado, but now someone has to go home with your

sloppy thicken. You can't arrest me.

You don't know what I can do.

What are you going to do?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh.

Why? Oh, God, you monster.

Oh, God, she's figuring the ice cream.

Yeah. God, I feel sick.

You watch. Grab his face. You're going to watch this.

Yeah.

Oh, God. How do you like that? How do you like that? There you go.

He's thanking her.

Excuse me. Hang on. What is going on here? We found this jerk squishing

We've contained the problem.

Don't thank me. You're welcome.

I wasn't going to thank you. You don't work here.

And I'm pretty upset by all this mess. Look at this mess.

Get in there. Scatter.

What are you doing?

Door's the other way. Get back in there.

You can definitely get her. I'm going to have to reduce this now.

All right.

That is the episode. Can I just say a word of warning? If you have a friend

recently had a baby, don't have cabbage salad at their house.

Also, as you exit the building, there's some cupcakes for sale in the foyer. My

kids' school has a fundraiser, so we need a new cover for the sandpit. So if

guys can donate, that'll be excellent. Thank you. I made that myself.

It is nut -free.

I didn't drop my nuts in the batter once.

Listen. Does it work?

Hi.

I can see a lot of myself in you, okay?

And I need some... Why?

I'm doing nothing.

Come on. No, no, no. Hold yourself together. Stop talking.

Because I'm not strong enough, okay?

I can see a lot of myself in you.

And I need some... That's enough, please.

Be professional.

Oh, that actually did that. Sorry.

I actually want to talk to you about something.

No, I've got it. I'll carry it.

I'll carry you.

I'm alone.

Here you go. Good afternoon, Mr and Mrs Sexuale.

Oh, that's heterosexuale. Yeah, fuck that up.

Hello.

You can't arrest me.

You don't know what I cannot do.

What I cannot do.

What I cannot all do.

Sorry. Who are you people?

That's right.

Fucko.

Should we keep it? We've never had one.

No, I don't know what to do with that.

You have to walk her twice a day, there's shit in the bathroom, on the

Open it, you weakling!

Use your whole hand!

Oh, my God, let me do it! For fuck's sake!