Original subtitles

Cheers to us moving in together. What a huge step in our relationship.

Go us.

Cheers.

We should go camping this weekend.

Camping? I'd rather headbutt a nail. You expect me to shit in a bucket.

Camping isn't for me. It's for straight men who secretly want to broke that

mountain each other.

I just, I can't sleep uncomfortably. Sorry. I have an air mattress.

Don't say it.

Just don't say it.

Please don't say it.

Don't say it.

And you know, the air mattress is actually more comfortable than your bed.

You have to move out. Give me that.

Take your shit and go.

Should have fucked your sister when I had the opportunity.

It's good to see you.

Stop it, if you want.

Hi, make some noise. Who's got kids?

Listen, now you know. You know when you're packing the kids.

Those kids will make friends, and you know how it works. When those kids make

friends, you, the parents, must then be friends with those kids' parents.

That's how it works. You don't choose your own friends. Your kids now do it

you. That's how mum groups start. It's called the seventh circle of hell.

Okay? And especially if your kids are like my kids. My kids have terrible

in friends.

They never pick the kids who has a hot tub or a pool at home. No.

They become friends with the kids whose mum shows up at school in the little

bike shorts with a pyjama shirt that still says Big Spoon on it.

With no bra.

Smoking at the school gate where it says do not smoke.

Do you want a dart?

No, I'm all right.

And then when the kids start coming out, she's like, Stacey, get in the fucking

car!

Honestly, the worst thing, like, if you're sitting here, maybe you go,

have kids? I want you to think about that. The friends that they'll make and

the other mums at school. Because at the minute, you look at your partner, you

go, we will have the cutest little baby.

But you're not thinking about all those other mums that you have to talk to at

school. And that'll take all of your patience. And that's why mums always

at their kids. Because they're saving the patience for the other mums.

There's this one mum at my kids' school. She's this little bird -like creature.

And she always wears a t -shirt. And on it, it says, protect your kids from the

gay agenda.

I know. And I'm so confused with this shit. Like, I don't even understand.

is the gay agenda that you're scared we're spreading? Like, we're not the

going door to door.

knock on your door and open the door and there's a whole clitori of lesbians in

front of your door.

Have you heard the great news? You can eat pussy for six hours a night.

We don't need to do that. Our work speaks for itself. It's called word of

Destroy your day.

Hello, Janine.

Afternoon.

See you tomorrow.

Have a great day, darling. Love you. Bye -bye. Mummy loves you.

Have a good day, buddy.

Hello, Janine.

Hello, Ursula.

What a nice day we're having.

A bit too hot, actually.

Enjoy the rest of this sunny day.

Hello, Ursula.

Hello, Janine.

Plans for the weekend?

Kids' soccer game.

You?

Lunch with the in -laws.

Hi ladies, everything alright?

He's so rude.

At the end, I needed five pitches.

You were crazy, Lucy.

Me, crazy? I don't think so. You should ask her what she does with the yogurt.

Don't get me into this thing. All right, so when we have yogurt, I feel a

little, but I always like the yogurt because, you know, it's my yogurt.

You're such a weirdo. Okay, guys, we're sharing our weird thing.

I actually collect stuffed teddy bears.

Okay, that's crazy.

You're nuts.

You're nuts.

I speak to our cat like she's our daughter. All right, Cuckoo Magoo.

I shit in the shower.

What?

What did you say?

I sometimes eat cereal for dinner, yeah.

Yeah, and sometimes I have pasta for breakfast.

Oh. That is wild.

I occasionally talk to my food.

I was like, get in there, get in there.

She does do that. It's so cute.

Yeah, I do in the shower.

Yeah, no, I definitely heard that one.

Yeah, yeah, I heard that.

Look, we're all saying the crazy stuff we do. I mean, Lucy, she sings

songs about her house chores.

I do do that. I do, don't I?

Yeah, and, you know, I make up little dances in the lounge.

That's it.

And I go in the shower and waffle stomp it down the drain.

Waffle what now? Waffle stomp. If it's a hard one, I just stomp it through.

Dude! That's not the same as our stuff.

Ours are, like, weird and fun.

Yeah, like I used to have a nipple ring. And I put strawberries up my bum.

Oh, my God.

Because it makes the shower smell good while I'm waffle stomping. That is

disgusting. It's the same. It is not the same thing.

Look, I'm a kook just like you guys.

I'm a classic kook. Hey, I'm a kook. No, no, no.

We are classic. Hey, hey, hey, kooks. You're cooked, mate.

How did you not get bullied for this in high school?

Oh, I was homeschooled. Oh, okay.

That actually checks out.

It's a homeschool thing.

Did you know I was homeschooled as well?

Really? So you waffled font?

Yeah. No way. We wouldn't have done that. That is disgusting.

We called it Bubble and Squeak.

That's cute.

That's cute. That's nice.

How come it's cute when she says it? Shut up, you weirdo.

Also, we are not playing hide and seek after this. I don't know what you're

going to hide where.

Give me that straw.

You know what?

Parents, right? And your mum's just cooking and you're sitting with your dad

and, you know, he's asking you to help with a computer and then you're like,

yeah, all right. And then your mum pops her head out and she goes, hey, can you

have a look at why the computer keeps this? No history. Every time when I try

go back to my history and you just look at your dad and you go, you filthy

bastard.

But you're also proud that he knows how to wipe the history so you don't have to

do it?

Good morning.

Welcome to Computer Literacy for Seniors. I see you all have your laptops

iPad and whatever that is.

So, you're going to have a little crash course, four weeks, and after that four

weeks, you're going to be able to email your grandchildren, message your

friends. Can I get a hell yeah?

Okay. How about we just open our computer?

Oh, question. Graham, what is it?

How do you delete Google history?

That's a great question. We're going to tackle that in week three when we do

online literacy.

But for today, we're going to focus on Microsoft Windows.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like to know how to delete Yahoo history. And once we've done

that, how do we delete Firefox Mozilla?

So all of that is basically the same thing.

Cookie history is the same as computer history.

And what's this about incognito mode I keep hearing about?

Okay. Just so I know, who's only here to find out how to delete the porn off

their computers?

Wow. So you guys only use your computers for porn?

No.

I'm also a sugar daddy.

Oh, me too.

I use OnlyFans.

Wow, I'm only gross now.

That is, that is a lot. I mean, I was going to teach you how to email your

grandkids and message your wives. But because of you perverts, I now have to

through this trauma. I will show you one time and one time only how to delete

your search history.

This is grim.

Okay, open your searches.

Click on that so we can see what you've, whoa, okay.

Yeah, I mean, that's, that's bad.

Big boobs, bigger boobs, more boobs, please.

That sounds nice.

Well, please use these manners.

Uh, savaged maiden, the biggest bottom ever.

You grudge.

All right, simmer down over there, little novo. I'm sure you've got way

your computer.

Ah, your computer sucks.

Hey, chill.

You've got a TCL. That stands for the crappy lappy. Zip it.

All right, let me show you how to delete it. See there, just under See All, and

then it says Delete All. Delete it.

There you go. It's gone. It's like it never happened.

Let's cover actual computer stuff, shall we?

Okay, so word processes work.

Who's printing?

Is that you?

This is gross misuse of a printer.

This is disgusting.

You've got to want to lemonade that before you use it.

That is too much. I quit.

I'm going to go unless any of you have actual questions about computers.

Yes. Who directed Two Girls in a Cup?

I'm going to leave. I cannot cope.

Is this a buck plug?

How much stuff I've bought online I'm proud of.

Like I bought one of those little car vacuums that can blow and fuck like your

sister. And that thing's amazing, can definitely recommend.

But there's stuff, you know, three o 'clock in the morning that when you buy

they promise they won't put any details on your credit card statement and it'll

show up in a blank box at your house.

Like I just recently bought a flashlight.

Some of you don't know what that is because you're a pure heart.

And I'm not going to explain it to you because this is on ABC.

You're going to have to do the adult thing and go Google it.

All I'm saying is I use it all the time, you know.

Because, you know, after adult time, you have the toys.

And you need like a little holster, if you will.

Or a little sheep.

So that when you're done, where can you put it that it fits perfect?

But a flashlight, you know.

It fits so perfect, even Jesus goes, that's what I meant for it to look like.

When you pass away, it is your responsibility to get a friend that can

go clear out all your crap out of your house.

You don't need your family to find that stuff.

When your mum...

Has to go in and go clean that stuff. That's going to shave a lot of her

off.

When she has to find all of the filth that you have in your room.

A big part of me, though, hoped that I'd die before my sister so that she and

her Christian heart can find the stuff and at least die one day with a smile on

her face.

I'm afraid she's gone. I'm afraid she's

gone.

It's done for her and for me. People remember their loved ones as good

Why the fuck aren't you secured?

Let's move out. Not yet. I've just decrypted a fresh manifest with more

she didn't want anyone to know about.

How many?

There's a lot.

She was a sick bitch.

Yuck.

Oh, that's disgusting.

What is it?

Poetry.

Self -written.

Burn it immediately.

What a freak.

They're nearly here. T minus two minutes.

Swear.

She's getting thicker and thicker by the minute.

Time is running out.

Get out of this room. I think so.

Check behind that door.

Other door, you dipshit.

Oh.

Gimp, how'd I miss that?

All good, you're new.

Get out of here, Gimp.

God, it makes me miss my dad.

They're here, they're here.

Move out, team.

I think we got it all, boss.

What about... It's a sex robot. The manifest says there's a sex robot. There

no sex robot. We've got everything.

Except... Oh, my God.

She was at the Wuhan wet market in 2019.

She started COVID.

Don't take. Move, move, move.

That was tight, but we pulled it off. Excellent work, team.

smear. They gave me a thing and I was like, okay.

And they go, you can go in cubicle three. I go, are you coming?

Now I feel like I'm taunting the nurse. I'm like, do you want to come?

And they go, no, it's a self -test. You get a self -test now. I'm like,

I'm not ready for that.

You should see me at the self -checkout in the supermarket.

Oh, it's such a stressful thing when they use a self -checkout.

with that kind of shit. You go, and then it goes, wait for assistance.

I'm like, why?

What did I do?

I'm so scared because you know that teenager and they're always so angry.

come out and they go, you're not doing it right.

And I go, listen, I'm sorry.

I wasn't here when we got training.

No wonder I'm so tired. I work this fucking job too.

I don't think I should be trusted with a self check for him.

sphere. You know, now I'm just in there. I'm not sure what to do. And they were

going... Honestly, when they gave

me that test, I said, Doctor, have you ever seen me in the supermarket? I don't

do self -serve.

And it's not our fault.

Women are bad at direction. It's not our fault. Do you know what? They've done

studies, and when I say they, I mean me, that a woman will spend...

On average, about 12 years of adult life, in a bathroom, looking at a panty

liner going, which way is the front?

Honestly, you think they can sort it out. They can make dudes' dicks harder

algebra, but they can't fix our panty liners.

We did it, boys.

Little gutter lines for extra absorbency. Oh, my bro's got to flow

the hose.

It's got extra strong glue, so it's going to stick to them sweet little

All day long.

And most importantly, look on the back. Sick animal trivia.

Straight up back, baby.

Yeah.

Which side's the front?

The front?

What? Which side is the front? I can't tell which side's the front.

Yeah, come on.

Did you see the backs on the back?

Yeah, no one wants that. Come on.

All right, yeah, okay, yeah.

There you go. Yeah.

Boom.

Yeah, but Ed, for front or for fanny?

Because depending on which country you're in, that could be front bump or

bump. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. It'll fit either way. Oh, okay. No, you

three seem to know your way around a pussy.

Let me give it a hand. Let me try it.

No, no, hey.

Don't you turn your back on me.

You look at it.

Look at it!

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, the glue's too strong to just rip the gusset right out of it. That's got

be on you to a certain degree.

Oh, yeah, that's already ripped off about 50 pubes there.

It's not comfortable.

It's just got my labia.

It's pulling at the labia.

It's not supposed to do that.

Oh, she's out. She's out.

Terrible! Can you say something good? Like, we worked on this really hard.

I wish I could, but I just have nothing, because you're dumb as shit.

Dumb as shit?

If we're so dumb, how could we be revolutionising the women's razor? Check

out. Let's play...

Pretty blunt, but a soft pink handle.

Yeah, because women don't have hair, so we made the blade unsharp.

Unsharp? Yeah.

Don't speak again.

Okay, well, what about lady pants?

What about them? Well, they're exactly like men's pants, but they don't have

pockets. Yeah, but we have one pocket.

Well, easily fixed. We'll just sew some patches on. Yeah. Make it look like it's

got pockets. Yeah.

This is bullshit.

Do you morons actually believe that if you keep making this shit that doesn't

work, but you package it all nicely in pink with soft little handles, that

will keep buying it even though it doesn't work?

Now she gets it. Yeah, that's like it.

Good point, and we do like the trivia.

Damn it.

You knew it, man.

Everyone loves trivia.

Gonna leave a mark.

So what's next, fellas?

Let's try and make childbirth quieter.

This is why we brainstorm.

Was it made to circumcise a woman? Because I think it just did.

Well, well, well, I think what we've learned tonight is female products

that great, but on the positive side, my ass looks amazing in overalls. I mean,

Jesus Christ.

Look at that.

Why don't you have a hoon at that while I walk off stage with my brand new panty

liner in?

Thank you.

Can you just say something good? Like, we worked on this really hard.

I don't have my line, so now I can't.

I mean, I was going to teach you guys how to, you know, message your

grandparents.

Dear Jesus.

All right. Get the crypt open.

Such a mouthful, shitter.

This one's really good for my hair.

Okay, I love both of them.

One more time.

It's torrential.

I might go home and enjoy the rest of the sunshine we're having.

We don't have a pen.

Typical. Two lesbians and a cat runs through.