Original subtitles

All right, babes, you are looking gorgeous. Thank you.

Feeling it. Look. Hello.

Got a little hair on your shirt I just grabbed up.

Oh, my God.

That's no stray. That sucker's attached to my tit.

It's breached the shirt.

That is amazing and disgusting.

Why is it so long?

Well, we're going to need more than those spaghetti arms, sweetie.

Just pluck it.

Just pluck it.

Can I get a hand?

say how impressed i am with us as a people that this year has been the year

of the tit like it has been such a strong year for tits like i have signed

boobs this year than i have any other time in my entire career and some of

were even on women thank you jesus that i'm a lesbian that i can enjoy these

little delights in life

And that's the only reason that I'm so happy that I'm a lesbian and into women

because, you know, I look at straight people and I go, you poor bastards, you

have no idea.

Gay couples, that makes sense to me. You're on even par, but these couples,

what?

You poor bastards. Like, because men aren't ready.

You know, women, our natural talent is to argue.

That is our gift that Jesus gave us. He gave us a memory and a fucking storage

tank that can hold all.

the shit your partner has ever done.

We even take notes when his mum goes, you know, he used to be real naughty as

boy. He goes, save that.

I can pull that back up later.

But men, you're just not equipped.

Like, I see when I see straight couples fight, it's like, you know when you see

a little boy, like a four -year -old racy dad?

Dad usually at the end just goes, and beats him and the boy's devastated?

Yeah, that's straight couples.

think you can call some shit out? Oh, you saw her coffee cup in the lounge.

Don't worry, I've taken your cup to the kitchen for you.

You want to talk about the cup in the lounge?

Because I've been meaning to talk to you about the giant blobs of toothpaste in

the sink after you've brushed your teeth. That's why she doesn't kiss you

anymore. You know, when you get to a part in your relationship, you go, when

I anymore. Remember how we used to... Why don't we ever do that anymore? It's

like, this motherfucker, I don't know how you brush your teeth.

Great dinner, babe.

Well, it was teamwork, butter chicken.

Did you rinse that?

Huh? Did you rinse that?

Did you see me rinse it?

You know you're supposed to rinse it before you put it in the dishwasher,

otherwise you're gonna... clogged the dish valve. I've told you this.

Don't snap at me.

Well, I've told you this like a dozen times, but you never listen.

What if it happens? It just magically washes itself?

I mean, how hard is it to rinse the plate?

I don't want to argue with you, Timothy.

Yeah, well, I do, Abigail.

I need you to know that women take arguing very, very seriously.

So I need you to ask yourself, are you ready to argue with a woman?

Yeah. Okay.

Wait, what's that?

Timothy, you had your chance to pull out, and you didn't.

2019, 2015, here we go.

Christmas Day, 2012.

You had a good old look in my sister's tits while she was cutting up food.

How is that relevant?

I mean, no, I didn't. Yeah, you did. She was wearing a loose linen top, and as

she leaned forward... It presented an opportunity, and you stared directly in

her ample bosom.

I might have glanced.

Well, you act up.

Let's give it a take, shall we?

Look at that.

Direct.

I've never seen you that focused in your entire life.

I was just looking at the sourdough. Like, her slicing technique, all this,

was, it's fascinating.

Oh, that's interesting.

Let's have a look at this. Same here.

New Year's Eve, 11 .43pm, you were overheard talking to our neighbour James

about my tits.

No. Wouldn't the court stenographer please read those comments back to us?

James, can you pass me one of those cans of beer?

Timothy Shaw can.

Hey, speaking of cans, you know who's got some really great cans? All right,

that's inadmissible.

The court would like to call witness 13C to the stand, please.

Talk us through what you witnessed. Did you see anyone making any gestures with

their hands on the night? I believe it was something like honk, honk.

Oh. And is the person who went honk, honk in court here today with us?

Yes, it was him.

All right, you win. I'm sorry, I give up. No more questions, Your Honour. I

the defendant guilty on three counts of dead shittery and all counts of being a

pervert.

Thank you, Your Honour.

This is fun. We should cook together more often. I love it.

Oh.

Call a plumber.

That valve's going to be super clogged.

It's this one. It's recycling. We've been through this.

No, no, no. Daylight savings.

The contents of the bin change.

What? Did you read that?

Oh, here she is. It's Hira Les. Perfect.

Hello there.

Thanks for coming, Hira Lesbian.

Hi. Call me Leslie.

I'm your friendly neighbourhood Hira Les consultant.

Trust me to do the jobs your hopeless husband can't. I'm glad you're here. My

ears are starting to ring after all the nagging. Yep, yep, yep. This one.

How about you leave all the joking to me, pal, hey?

And everything else.

So what I'm going to do, I'm going to start off by mowing your lawn.

Now I'm going to cut your grass.

Wonderful. And then I'm going to clean out your chimney, get all those cobwebs

right out.

Yeah, so she's ready to burn.

Do you know what I mean?

He doesn't know. I take a lot of time, but a good time, a thorough time.

Yeah. That could be good. Right, honey?

Yeah, I could be into that.

Don't know why you do that.

It's good to get the meals.

That just seems inefficient.

Impressive. Yeah, we love this.

I love this.

Would you like some tea?

What? Would you like some tea?

No, I don't like you.

I'm going to get you some tea.

Ah, there she goes, hammering away.

Good on her.

How do you take your tea?

Don't know what that means.

Did you take milk?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Okay. Heard you the first time.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. It's going in so deep. Oh, my God. What's going on in here?

Oh, some people call it carpentry. They call it foreplay.

Foreplay? I know about foreplay from the hardware store.

1 ,200 long with a laminated back.

Foreplay. He don't bother. He doesn't get it. He never has.

Okay, I'll just leave these here? Yeah, just leave them.

Door, open or close?

Open. We don't care. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

Where were we?

Okay, so you want to go in real deep, but slow and steady, but keep your pace.

All I want to say is the only thing that we should take from men are your

toilets.

We're going to take your toilets because even right now, as you're sitting here,

the women are already starting to stress.

Because they need to go to the toilet and you know we have to line up to use

toilet like we're farm animals.

And I'm like, why are we struggling? We need to take the men's toilets.

We need to take it off them. You boys can just piss in the street like you do

anyway.

There's not one person in here who's not stumbled down an alleyway and saw some

random 2 o 'clock in the morning dick, right?

You guys can just go piss down a drain or piss in a bottle or piss in anything.

You can literally piss in anything.

We know you can't do it in the toilets, flatter free.

So what we're going to do is we will take your toilets. And ladies, I'm

a urinal in for us.

Like a trough. Because, of course, it's the only way we can do it. We can't be

standing against the wall. So we go in and you just kind of climb over that

thing.

I mean, obviously, we all have to face the same way.

You can't get one over eager lesbian coming in going, don't mind if I do.

No, Leslie, no.

But guys, you've got to help a bitch out.

Because, you know, we go through a lot when we have to line up. That's why

are always closer than men. We're easier to talk to each other because we

practice when we're standing in the queue to use the toilet.

Because we're all standing there waiting for our turn to hold the door.

We just shuffle on little bits by little bits when our tits are touching her

back because you've got to keep it tight.

And all the men are just... And that is why we need our own urinals. And we are

coming to take them from you.

How long have you guys been waiting?

I don't remember.

Oh, that's some bullshit.

Hey, what's it like in there? Is there soap? What's the toilet paper like?

It's one ply.

And there's only two cubicles for all of us.

Oh, it's not fair.

No, no.

This can't be.

My molars are floating in my head. I need to piss right now. My tenor is to

brim. This is bullshit!

Why must we be treated like second -class citizens?

We are human too. We deserve to piss freely like the men do. If you cut us,

we not bleed?

If we are busing, do we not piss?

I piss.

I don't know about you ladies, but I can't stand idly by while men can just

toilet wherever and whenever their tiny little dicks want to go. Oh, yeah.

They don't have to queue. They don't have to wipe. They don't even wash their

hands. They don't even really need a toilet. They can piss wherever they

I've seen a guy piss in a Coke bottle. I've seen a guy piss out of a window.

Have you ever pissed out of a window? No, because you're not a goddamn animal.

What can we do?

We can fight back.

That's what we're going to do. We're going to take their toilets from them.

Women pissing in the men's room.

I've heard about girls who do that, but I always thought it was just a myth.

If they want us to work like men and repress our feelings like men, then by

we shall piss like men.

Out of the trenches and into the troughs. Out of the trenches and into

troughs. Out of the trenches and into the troughs. Out of the trenches and

the troughs.

You mean a murder board of all the possible suspects.

Ah, this is why I wish I could murder board.

Murder board for the cases over there.

Getting into the mind of a killer.

Brilliant.

I don't need to get in to the mind of a killer.

I understand the desire to kill on such a deep cellular level that it scares

the shit out of me.

And it should make your purse run high, Scott.

There's a lot of photos on that fantasy murder board.

What did they all do that was so bad?

This one here didn't thank me when I let him into traffic.

This guy here, three and a half minutes of a monologue at a dinner party. Join

me now.

This guy stood in front of me at the supermarket and he was doing this weird

little dance. Like that, like that.

And every time he did that, he'd miss his opportunity to move ahead in the

queue, and I had to gently remind him by ramming his ankles on my controlling.

It's so frustrating.

That's pretty bad.

Bad? It's evil.

I would kill them if it wasn't illegal, or if I knew I could get away with it.

Wait.

Wait, is that a photo of me?

Here you go.

Did you follow that affidavit I gave you this morning?

I know. I've been quite busy out on the front desk.

I'm losing the will to live. It was a yes or no question.

No.

In that case...

I'll

go and sort that out now.

Do you think that was a bit harsh?

Maybe you need to take the rest of the day off just to calm down.

Calm down, mate.

I'm calm.

I'm as calm as they come.

Trust me, there's nothing calmer in your entire life.

I showed up calm.

I'm calm as all hell.

No, no, no.

Get it.

Oh, my lucky cup.

I don't want to touch her.

You were right.

Just calm me down a little bit.

I'm going to go for lunch.

How about you clean up this mess before I get back and no one gets hurt, okay?

That's the best of us.

Hi, I can see your age in this room. I can sort of get a vibe for you. And do

you remember, oh, not you too, but do you remember how we used to...

dance in the 80s and 90s. Do you remember going to the club and we'd all

dancing?

Do you know why we had to dance like that? Because deodorant only lasted for

three hours.

You couldn't be chucking your arms in the air. People would pass out.

But then the deodorant companies come to the party. They go, we'll give you six

hours. Then we'd start dancing with the fingers like... Then the deodorant

companies went even longer. Now it's...

24 and 48.

There's a deodorant on the market right now that's 72 hours.

What are you, trapped in a mine?

Who needs 72 hours? In a 24 -hour cycle, you've got to put your ass in

water.

You've got to be fresh. You've got to get in there and scrub everywhere.

And I mean everywhere. Don't just rub your hand around with a bit of shower

Get a loofah.

that bitch up and get involved and wash everywhere.

I mean, if you don't want to put the loofah on your asshole, that's fine. You

the shower gel and check that the foam comes out clean, you know.

I know, I can hear you know how to wash your asshole. I didn't have to explain

that to you.

Also, you've got to be fresh. I'm telling you now, you've got to be fresh

the time because if you're not, When you stink, you make the rest of us

paranoid.

It doesn't matter how fresh I am. If you are not fresh, you walk past me and...

Fuck, is that me?

I start questioning myself like I've never met me.

Now I have to find out if it's me without letting anyone else know.

Hey,

hey, hey, what's up, what's up?

Welcome to the house of Anastasia.

We love you, Anastasia.

Thanks, y 'all. Thanks.

My next single is a dance hall banger, and I need you to bring the heat.

Travis. Davis. Travis Davis.

Davis, just show me what you got on the choreography.

Okay, let's hit the track.

Sorry, we'll just cut the track there. Sorry, just one second. Yeah, sorry.

are you doing?

Dancing my heart out. Who is she? Ignore her. She's from a lesbian outreach

program.

I think we should just ignore her. Maybe even cut her because I don't think

dancing was very good.

Well, maybe I do agree. She wasn't dancing very good. I think she was

great. Yeah, you've got the talent. Yeah, I'm done.

So, Ursula, are you ready to step up to the street?

Yes, I'm trying. I'm ready to take the stage with you. You better save the last

dance for me. I'll be naming early 2000s dance films because, um,

um, because dirty dance in the 80s was hard.

Hey, coyote, I'll do it. Zip it. Yeah. Hit the track.

Dancer, step up.

Knock it in.

See, this is what I'm talking about. Look at him, with 49 -year -old lady

a hot flash.

Yes. I got finger guns. I got finger guns. Okay, I'm going to just call it

finger guns. Sorry.

It's sort of giving drunk auntie at a wedding vibes. I have been a drunk

at a wedding, and I think that's me. That's exactly what it's over.

You've got me, and I've got you.

Hit it.

It's late, and the vodka's hit hard.

Dancing. 90 % eyebrow.

Hit him up.

I can do the side of my face.

That's how we get the store out of the drink.

Oh, I do that a lot.

Stretch your butt.

Stretch your butt.

Where's my keys?

Where's my keys? No, enough, enough, enough, enough. I can't watch another

second of this. I am a trained dancer, okay? I want to be doing, like, body

and spins.

You shouldn't do any of that at your age. It'll make you sick. I am 34 and 13

months. Look, Anastasia, can we please just do my choreography?

I'm a bit confused.

Who here has sold 30 million records worldwide?

You did, Anastasia.

So I think that I can choose who's doing the choreography.

All right, then. Well, who are you going to pick?

It's stupid.

I told you that was going to happen. Oh, my God.

What are you eating?

I do feel like we've learned a lot from each other so far tonight. But I also

don't want you to leave here tonight thinking I don't like men or I don't

that men have a special talent. Of course you do.

You're extremely gifted when your wife is not feeling great to go, why don't

put on a bit of a happy face? Why don't you smile a bit?

It's adorable, and I think it's your strengths. I think the fact that you

that absolute sheer inability to read a room, I like it.

You guys have been great. Thank you so much.

So what I'm going to do... You'd forgotten your line.

No, I have not.

Oh, shit. I'm going to polish her doorknob.

Is that suggesting Sam's got a tiny dick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm right here, by the way.

I don't want to argue with you, Terran. Well, I do, Persephone. How hard is it

to rinse dishes?

I could hear your lips flap the whole time, trying to intimidate my witness.

Oh, is your lips flapping too?

Yeah, well...

Six children. You put six children inside me. This is why my lips flap.

Okay?

Well, now, on a windy day, I'm out there.

We are improving here.

This is usable.

Yeah, all right.