Original subtitles

I am so happy and honored and overjoyed to be here tonight,

introducing one of my best friends

and one of my favorite comedians in the entire world:

Sheng Wang!

[crowd cheers, applauds]

[hip-hop music plays]

Ali Wong, everybody. Ali Wong.

Thank you. Thank you so very much.

I am… super excited and grateful to be here.

You know, as you get older,

you do a lot of things for the very first time.

This is the nature of growing up.

But sometimes, you do things you thought you would never, ever do.

Like, I recently bought pants from Costco.

[crowd laughs]

That's a big deal. That's a new chapter in your life.

Because when you buy pants from Costco, that's when you don't care anymore.

That's when we let go of our egos and we begin our spiritual journey.

-[crowd cheers] -Right?

You hear people say stuff, and go,

"I'm not concerned about others' opinions. I don't care what they think."

"That is just talk."

Until you back it up with the Costco pants purchase.

That's how you let him know he for real. He don't give a damn for real.

He wanted the Kirkland pants.

Don't mess with them.

When you see somebody wearing Kirkland pants, you know two things.

Number one, they do what it takes to live.

Number two, but they not afraid to die anymore.

Because Costco teaches you how to let go.

Before I get to the store, in my car,

I do a quick little meditation-slash-pep rally.

I say we're about to go to a hostile environment.

You already know there's gonna be some injustice.

There's gonna be straight-up atrocities.

Speak up when you can, accept things you cannot change.

That's Costco.

If I can't find parking in under eight minutes, I drive away.

Let it go, dude. That's okay. Today is not the day.

I'm not going to force it. It's Costco. I'm gonna respect it like the ocean.

That's not my schedule. That's the moon, that's the tides.

Costco is bigger than all of us.

A lot of change going on. I don't know when this happened.

I just recently found out that my preferred mainstream candy bar

is now Mounds.

It's just surprising, right? Because we all know

that's gross.

That's gross, dude.

If you don't know what Mounds is, it's like Almond Joy,

but there's no almond.

There's no joy.

It's a lot of coconut.

Ooh, baby, this candy is fibrous.

Maybe this candy got prebiotics.

Mounds

is a bad name.

I don't get it. The sister product is Almond Joy.

That's a crucial ingredient plus a positive emotion.

Almond Joy. Not a bad name. Somebody worked on that.

Who approved Mounds?

Did they ever see the product?

Because it's brown and chunky.

Mounds is a good name if your only other option was Piles.

I eat my Mounds weird. I developed a little ritual of my own.

What I do is I open my candy bar and then I pour a side of almonds.

These are a separate purchase.

And then I make my own joy.

I shove the almonds into my Mounds.

Way more than you get from a regular Almond Joy.

I pack it all up in there, real crunchy.

Then I eat it like dog medicine.

[crowd laughs]

I'm blessed, y'all. I'm blessed, dude.

But some things you assume your whole life

you thought you were gonna do, you might not get to.

I'm learning this now, you know. Up until recently…

I thought I was gonna own a house.

I thought maybe I was gonna own property on both coasts, you know.

Now I'm like, man, it would be real nice if I had a deeper kitchen sink.

I want that. I went to my friend's house, I was like,

"Dang, that's spacious, dude."

"That's so spacious. You live a good life, man."

"Congratulations."

"I bet whenever you wash your cookie sheets,

you never accidentally flood your countertops, huh?"

Oops.

You don't know how I live. We different. We different, dude.

It's incredible how much water comes off of a cookie sheet, though.

It's wild. It's always a surprise.

It's like an optical illusion.

It's so thin you don't recognize it as a threat.

You probably tired, get a little loosey-goosey with it, right?

Suddenly, bam! "Oh no! Now my vitamins are in a lagoon."

Next time you have a housewife, forget the bucket, grab a cookie sheet.

I've been thinking about how, when I was younger,

I used to walk into a bookstore full of wonder.

When I was a kid, I walked into a bookstore like,

"Look at all this stuff I'm gonna learn."

As a grown-up, I walk into a bookstore like,

"Look at all this stuff I'm never gonna know."

Ooh. It's hard, man. It's hard to see your ignorance alphabetized.

I don't like that.

I'm at the Staff Picks section. I'm like, "Of all the things I don't know,

these are Brian's favorites."

It's overwhelming to be surrounded by so much knowledge all at once.

You can see it so clearly, but you can't have it.

It's just teasing you, like a strip club for wisdom.

I try to read a little bit every night. Make it a habit, you know?

The only problem is, I fall asleep too quickly

Books are stronger than melatonin.

Just get you a book, dude. It's about 50 milligrams a page.

It's natural, it's fast-acting. The side effects include learning.

Eight hours, no problem. Put the book on your nightstand by your bed.

You wake up in the middle of the night, see your book, go back down.

[crowd laughs]

No, thank you.

It's bedtime, bro.

I've been reading a book for a few weeks. I'm still at the preface.

That's not even the book yet, man.

It don't count when the page numbers are still letters.

I always pack a book, you know, when I'm on tour,

afternoon at the beach, a picnic, I always bring a book.

I just don't read it.

I'm not well-read, but my books are well-traveled.

It's nice to be my books. I'll show you the world, girl.

I don't know-- I got to be better about my time management, you know?

Like, I don't know how many more years I'll be on this world,

but, like, at the rate that I read right now,

I feel like I got about eight books left.

I gotta pick wisely, you know?

I got an email from The New York Times.

They're like, "Here's 73 books to read this summer."

I'm like, "You don't know me at all, man."

Unsubscribe.

Seventy-three books. [chuckles]

This summer, I'm gonna read one book

or I'm gonna read this email.

[crowd laughs]

The uprate load is too slow.

I read too slow. I wish I could just plug it in, you know?

Like The Matrix. You know that port? Just put the port in there like that.

[moans]

7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

[crowd laughs]

I'm a procrastinator, man. It's really bad. It's a problem, you know?

Like, I haven't even finished writing this joke yet.

It's so severe, man. It's so severe.

I'm worried eventually my bucket list

is just gonna be a bunch of errands I haven't run yet.

How sad would that be if my doctor was like,

"You got a few months left to live," I'd be like, "Dang, I got to hurry up

and frame these photos."

"I've been living with bare walls like I'm an assassin."

One goal I've been working on for a long time.

I've been working on having good posture.

It's hard, dude. I don't know if I'll get there.

My whole life, my whole life, I have slouched

because I'm super humble.

[crowd laughs]

I'm a good dude, you know?

I see that as the default, right?

When I see somebody stand up straight, I don't believe that's natural.

I feel like they doing it on purpose. I'm like, "You trying to flex on me?"

I can do that too. I can also pretend like I believe in myself.

I've slouched for so long it feels normal, it feels comfortable.

It feels like I'm sending the right message.

It's like, "Hey, nobody hurt this guy."

No, man. He already broken.

[crow laughs]

I feel safe.

If you don't know me, I'm originally from Texas.

I grew up in Houston.

I went to the same middle school as Beyoncé.

[crowd cheers]

That's crazy, right? Beyoncé.

And me.

[crowd laughs]

That's wild. Beyoncé alone is a pretty big deal.

Then you find out Sheng Wang came from the same part of town.

That's like, "Wow, that's a lot of talent."

[crowd laughs]

Must have been something in that water, y'all.

[crowd whistles]

I was raised with Buddhist philosophies, but I'm very open-minded, you know?

I will go to any church that has a basketball court.

That's my exercise. I play basketball for cardio, all right?

But not just with anybody.

Every Tuesday, I meet a specific group of friends at the park,

because we all suck and nobody wants to get hurt.

It's a kind game. I never talk trash, but I giggle a lot.

Yeah, because my mind wants to do all these things

that my body does not execute.

When I get the ball my mind's like, "Okay, we gonna do a crossover."

"We're gonna do a spin move, and finish with a very graceful finger roll."

And my body's like, "Actually, we're gonna pass this ball out of bounds."

[crowd laughs]

"Turnover. Giggle time."

It's a public space.

I can't control if other people want to shoot hoops,

but I can tell if I don't want to play with somebody right away.

Like, one red flag is if they look fit.

[scoffs] I'm like, "Oh, you healthy, huh? Okay."

"That's good, man. That's good for you. I bet you've got skills."

"But that's not what this is about."

"No, man, me and my friends, everybody, we all here because we got diseases."

"High blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, fatty liver."

"We're not here to play games. We here to delay death."

[crowd laughs]

"You can come back with a doctor's note."

I love those dudes, you know? They're very special to me.

They're the most random group of friends I've ever made in my whole life,

because they're all grown men

that I met… at the park.

They're my park boys.

If I ever did a heist,

that's my crew.

Two main reasons. Number one, we've been balling for eight-plus years,

and yet nobody knows anyone's last names.

They barely know my first name. My name is Sheng, they all call me Chang.

[crowd laughs, applauds]

Number two, we have a deep array of backgrounds and skill sets.

We have diverse role players that you'd need to pull off a heist.

We got a Black dude that works in high-end residential lighting,

so he has access to all these rich celebrity houses

throughout Los Angeles.

We got a Salvadorian financial adviser to help launder the loot,

manage the money.

We got a Mexican cop to run interference if the law wants to get involved.

We got another dude that's got no technical skills, but he's white.

[crowd laughs, applauds]

He got powers I don't really understand but, like…

he on the team, man.

We got to have diversity, folks.

I can't play basketball in my boxers anymore.

I had to go back to wearing briefs.

Because my body is going through changes.

And I found out that my balls are trying to leave.

[crowd cheers, applauds]

I've been too kind over the years. I gave them too much freedom.

Now they want independence.

I can't have that. I got to crush the rebellion.

Shorten the leash.

I know this because one day on the court, in the middle of a play…

my balls hit my inner thigh.

And there was a loud clap.

I got real shy.

I was nervous, because I knew what was gonna happen next.

Somebody called foul.

I had to explain, "No, man, I'm the victim."

"And the perpetrator."

That's a "loose balls" foul.

[crowd laughs, applauds]

So…

So I had to buy briefs, right?

I have not bought briefs… since middle school.

It's been a long time. I was curious. What's changed? What's new?

I did some research, I found some new briefs.

No fly hole.

I was intrigued. I don't use the fly hole.

Usually, when I got to pee,

it's too urgent for me to thread the needle.

I got to go straight to the urinal.

I don't have time to find a secret trapdoor.

So I got them. I was excited. I bought these new no-fly hole briefs.

But then when I opened up the packaging, I realized, man,

I'm pretty sure I bought some panties.

[laughs]

What's the difference? These are soft, black panties.

That's not what I wanted.

Yes, they fit. They are my size.

They just too damn sexy.

I don't know me like that.

You know, the way they cut so low over here, so high over there.

How they wrap around my hip and my inner thigh pit.

I've never been held like this before.

It's empowering, dude.

When I put on those panties, my posture got good real quick,

And then involuntarily, I started to undulate.

I just started to, like…

That's not my choice, that's the spirit of the panty running through me.

I'm just a vessel, dude.

[crowd cheers]

I think we should give ourselves the best chance to be happy, man.

And I feel like society as a whole, we would all be better off

if we were down to accept skipping as an equal alternative to jogging.

It'd be a better world, right?

It's a shame we deny ourselves such a quick and easy way to be joyful.

How many miles you got to run to get a runner's high?

Nobody knows. It's too damn many.

You start skipping right now, you feel good right now.

Imagine skipping with three of your best homies.

You shoulder to shoulder, you in formation.

You a gang of Glee.

You looking good. You moving fast.

It's efficient, man. It's efficient.

I had a drink at the bar before the show. It's about a ten-minute walk.

Eight-minute skip.

[crowd laughs, applauds]

I got here early.

I'm a little bit late to the self-care game.

I just started using

enough body lotion.

You know what I mean? Really moisturize the whole body.

It's a lot of lotion.

I always cheated myself. I didn't think I deserved that much.

I gave myself a modest amount.

Start lotioning from the top down, so my legs paid the price.

Then I joined Costco.

Changed my life. Costco lotion is a great value.

Comes in a big old container.

Usually has a convenient pump on top, right?

The only issue is about two-thirds into the bottle, the technology collapses.

[crowd laughs, applauds]

Oh no! A lot of lotion left, but you can't access it via the pump.

The pump is dead.

At that point, you got to unscrew the top and use the pump like a dipstick.

I don't like that.

Going from pumping to dipping, that's a humbling transition.

Because when I'm pumping, I feel carefree, I feel rich. I'm like…

Boom, boom, boom, boom!

Keep the change.

[crowd laughs]

When I'm dipping, it's like, "Oh."

I'm an intelligent animal.

I can use tools.

You know, you got to twist and pull at the same time.

It's like buttering toast with a chopstick.

I got body lotion.

Got face lotion. I stepped up my game. I got eye cream.

[crowd cheers]

That's next level, you know?

Eye cream is serious, because eye cream costs more.

More than any other lotion you ever bought in your whole life.

But it comes in the tiniest container.

You have to justify this precious purchase.

You only apply the eye cream with your ring finger.

The softest finger, right?

Because it's the laziest finger.

Your ring finger, it don't pick, it don't point, it don't cuss.

It's…

It's only…

[crowd laughs, applauds]

Your ring finger is only good for making one promise, and eye cream…

which you apply in a gentle dabbing motion with your mouth slightly open, like…

[crowd laughs, applauds]

This better work.

So expensive.

I've been monitoring one wrinkle.

I got one wrinkle coming in hot over the last couple years.

Right here, dude. Right here. I can't stop it. I'm desperate.

I try to bribe the wrinkle, like, "That's eye cream, but I'll hook you up."

That's special for you. Don't tell nobody.

Then, of course, there's trace amounts of eye cream left.

You don't want to waste the trace amounts.

So like a benevolent king, I'm like, "Okay, everybody, eat up, you peasants."

[crowd laughs]

I sleep on my back.

Sleep on my back. They say, "Don't put your face against the pillows."

"It makes your wrinkles worse."

I sleep on my back, but that's not my preferred position.

On your back is so boring. There's no snuggle.

You just lay there like a vampire.

Every now and then, I'll still turn over, you know?

Maybe I had a bad day. Maybe it's my birthday.

I want a treat.

That's my new vice now. I don't smoke cigarettes,

but every now and then I sleep on my tum-tum like a bad boy.

Another kind of grown-up experience I had recently, I took my, um…

I took my girlfriend to get a mammogram.

It's a regular screening for breast cancer.

It was her first one. I didn't know much about it.

When you get a mammogram, what happens is they take your boob

and they place it on a tortilla press,

And then they smash it multiple times.

It's brutal. I was surprised this was the routine.

I was like, "Are you a doctor or are you making some titty paninis?"

[crowd laughs]

It's so painful.

The first time they smashed my girlfriend's boob, she farted.

Everybody was surprised.

She did what she had to do, you know? She defended herself.

Because she was attacked.

She wasn't going down pleasantly, right?

We all know about fight-or-flight, but sometimes there's a third F option.

They don't teach you that in school, you learned that in the streets.

When I heard

the fart…

immediately, I felt a lot of empathy.

A lot of compassion for my girl, because I knew how much it hurt her.

I know her threshold for pain is similar to mine,

but I also know her fear of farting in public is way higher.

That's how much it hurt.

That's too much, man.

We at the doctor's office trying to help somebody be healthy.

It should not be that violent.

That's not the way it is for guys.

When they screen men, what do they do? They touch your balls.

They put a finger in your butt.

That's pretty chill.

[crowd laughs, applauds]

Yeah, that's relatively tender, man.

I don't mind.

That's for my health.

If I'm not mistaken, I believe most guys in here,

we already screen ourselves for fun.

For funsies, for knowledge.

Know thyself.

My point is, it should be equally easy

for everybody to get the care that they need.

It would not be the standard if it was the other way around.

Guys would not be okay with such a procedure.

Right? If they told me, "We're gonna screen for cancer

but we're gonna have to smash your balls a few times."

I'd be like, "Doc…"

"I probably don't got it."

[crowd laughs]

[laughs]

"I feel good, Doc. I feel loose."

"I feel all right. We're good, man. I'll see you next time."

It's amazing, you know?

The medicine that we have these days, it's amazing.

But how many more times are we gonna have to read an article

about how they found a new cure for cancer

that only works on rats?

Can we stop printing this article?

Can we agree that does not belong in the human newspaper?

No, man.

That's rat news.

That's classic rat news.

That's wonderful for the rat community. Let them know.

Let them know, but keep us out of that conversation.

I found out up to 99.6% of all that research,

it don't even transfer to humans.

So we invest countless dollars, hours developing all this medical know-how

for the enemy.

We're sitting on a lot of rat knowledge right now.

We can't even cure the common cold,

but if you're a diabetic mouse with eczema and gout,

you ain't got nothing to worry about.

You're gonna live a good life. We got you. You a rat.

It's a good time to be a rat, man.

It's hard to be human.

It's hard to be human, specially in this country.

Our healthcare system is dystopian.

You know what I mean? If you get hurt in America,

you better make sure you get hurt real bad.

Bad enough to meet your deductible.

Ideally in January…

so you're covered for the year.

That's the game. That's how you win.

Don't get hurt in December. That's for losers.

[crowd laughs]

There's only been one year, one magical year in my life,

where I've met my deductible.

I was pumped, like, "Hell yeah, I'm playing with house money now."

It's time to make moves, you know?

I saw a bunch of doctors. I saw a specialist for some butt problems.

By the time the appointment came around, the issue had basically resolved itself.

I did some research. I was pretty sure I was okay.

I still went to the appointment. The doctor confirmed my research.

He said, "Yeah, you're good, but if you want

I could take a closer look."

This was not necessary.

I already got the peace of mind that I came for.

But then I thought about my deductible.

I thought about all the times my insurance company

left me hanging with the bill.

And I was like, "You know what?"

"Go get the jelly."

[crowd laughs, applauds]

Let's do it.

Let's go. If I pay for the entrance fee, then I'm gonna ride all the rides.

Even the crappy ones. I'm staying till we close.

[crowd laughs, whistles]

We did it.

We did the thing.

We learned nothing.

It was not necessary.

She went ahead and charged the insurance company a big fee.

I know she got hers.

I did not get the satisfaction I was looking for,

because the road to economic justice probably shouldn't go up your butt.

It will not feel like winning

when you land on your side getting fingered by the doctor like,

"Yeah, that's right, Blue Cross."

That's called payback.

Tsc.

I'm always trying to beat the system.

Even if it don't make sense.

This is why I own a juicer

that I don't use.

Because at some point in your adult life…

you gonna realize that you need nutrition.

But you might not be committed to eating nutritious food.

You want to find a cheat code, a hack. You discover green juice.

You're like, if I drink juice I can solve most of my problems.

Then you buy juice at the store, you're like,

oh, juice is beyond my income level.

Oh, I don't make juice money.

That's a very stressful purchase, right?

So you do the math.

If I get my own juicer, over the next 12 years,

I can save me about a million dollars.

That's a no-brainer,

You tell your friends about your brilliant plan,

your friends offer you their juicers they no longer use.

You don't see the foreshadowing. You reject the juicer.

You say, "No, thank you. That's not the right one."

No wonder you stopped juicing. I did the research.

I'm getting the top-of-the-line mistake.

So you drop like 400 bucks on a cold press masticating juicer.

You go to the farmer's market, get the freshest ingredients.

You know they're fresh, 'cause they're dirty.

You like that quality, you know?

There's no glossy fruit at the farmer's market.

It's a matte finish.

You get your dusty harvest, you go home, you scrub, you rinse,

cut it up into little pieces, juice it, clean the equipment,

put that away, and an hour later you're like, "That'll never happen again."

No way, man. No way.

It was fun. It was fun to play Jamba Juice one time,

but I'm retired now.

I'm done.

You know it's over for the juicer, because I put it on top of the fridge

with all that weird greasy dust.

You know that dust? That's that forever dust.

That's not going nowhere. That's gonna be oil one day.

It feels bad. It feels bad.

That's 400 bucks sitting on my fridge. It feels bad.

But I look at it as therapy in one shot.

Now I'm cured.

Now I buy juice at the store. No problem, no stress.

I'm like, "$10 a bottle? Yeah, that's a good price."

I've been on the front lines. I know what it takes.

Thank you for your service.

[crowd applauds, cheers]

I spend too much time and energy on small decisions.

You know? Like, I was at Popeyes fried chicken, just having lunch.

It's a treat for me, so I'm trying to maximize.

I'm evaluating every combo that they offer.

I'm trying to find the highest ratio of satisfaction to cost.

During my analysis,

this dude walks in, no hesitation.

He orders one breast, two biscuits and a soda.

This is not a combo at all.

He saved no money on that order.

I was in shock.

I was like, "Dang, you up in Popeyes ordering à la carte right now?"

Man, I want to be that rich one day.

That's my dream. One day I want to walk into Popeyes and just start freestyling.

Just off the top. Don't even look at the menu.

Just drop me a beat, I'm gonna order from the heart.

It's hard not to eat fast food when you're touring.

You know, like one night after the show, I went back to my hotel.

The only thing open was a Wendy's.

It was across from the hotel, but it was drive-thru only

and I did not have a car.

I had some money, I had some hope, I had my legs.

I skipped over there.

I brought some good vibes.

I knocked on the window. I said, "Hey, we both showed up."

"Let's do what we came to do."

They were not excited.

They said, "We can't serve you on foot in the drive-thru."

I said, "Why not?"

They said, "It's for your health and safety."

I said, "I'm trying to eat Wendy's right now."

"Why are you bringing up that stuff?"

They would not budge. That would not serve me.

Finally, I had to call an Uber to take me around the building.

I was precise.

I was like, "Pick me up at the menu, drop me off at the window."

[laughs] "Is this your ride?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm gonna get you some nuggies."

Recently, I was, uh, on tour. I was in Canada.

And in Canada, you can only buy alcohol at certain government-run liquor stores.

I didn't know this. I was at the grocery store.

I accidentally bought a six-pack of non-alcoholic beer.

I should have known something was off. It was room temperature. A red flag.

I went back to my condo. I put five in the freezer.

I put one in a bowl full of ice. Got it real cold.

Cracked it open, took a few sips. I was like, "Oh, that's not refreshing."

I looked at the can. "That's not even alcohol."

"This is basically bubbly barley juice."

I was resigned. I was like, "I guess I'm gonna have a sober night."

"I guess it's bedtime soon."

Next thing I knew, I finished the can.

I drank the other five.

I killed the whole six-pack.

At which point, I realized, "Man, I'm really out of control."

"I'm also suffering from non-alcoholism as well."

That's bad, man. That's bad. I'm not gonna make it.

I'm gonna be the first guy to lose his life to basic fluids.

I have an addictive personality, you know? I like to push it. I do.

My tolerance for weed and alcohol right now is way too high.

I'm trying to bring it down.

My friend recently told me about a drug called DMT.

It's a very powerful hallucinogenic

that's supposed to give you a sense of what death will be like.

And I'm open-minded enough to maybe try it once or twice.

But I'm wary that I would never want to develop a tolerance to DMT.

Because what if one day I just died naturally?

Forty-five minutes later, I'm like, "Bro, I'm not feeling it."

"What's going on, man? We gonna get dead or not?"

"I can't just lay here all day."

"This is weak stuff, man."

Can you imagine being dead and unimpressed?

I'm grateful. I'm very grateful for this journey, and stand-up.

I spent a good amount of time, uh, in New York City.

Great place to elevate your skills as a comedian,

but a tougher place to exist for sure.

When I first moved to New York,

I didn't know how every time you renew your lease in New York City,

the rent has to go up, every time.

I didn't know that. I've lived around.

In most other cities, the landlords give you a few years

to step up your life.

That's reasonable.

New York City landlords like, "You got one year to get 10% better."

"You'd better hurry."

Ten percent, man. That's a lot.

Every year.

That's a big return every year. That's a lot of pressure.

My parents never gave me that kind of pressure.

I felt like I was in New York City trying to make my landlord proud.

It was weird. I felt like my dream was to buy my landlord a house.

I want that for him, you know? Because he pushed me.

He believed in me. He chose me for unit 16.

It's an up-and-down business. It's a very up-and-down business.

I remember one time, I was so excited.

I got an offer for a show in Boston.

I was pumped.

They were gonna pay me and cover my transportation.

I got the confirmation for the train from New York to Boston.

Turns out, that ticket cost more

than my performance fee.

I got bummed out.

Started having some dark thoughts. I was like, "Dang."

"Maybe I should just be a train."

[crowd laughs]

"Maybe that's what I got to do to make it."

"I know my nephew will be pumped to see me."

"Hell, yeah, I'll be uncle of the year forever."

I mean, partly why I do this is to inspire people like my nephew

to follow their dreams.

And an Asian American comedian, that's pretty exciting.

But to be the first Asian American choo-choo train?

[crowd laughs]

That's trailblazing.

I love this life. I do. I appreciate it. But, you know, sometimes I miss…

the stability of my old job.

I used to work in an office, you know?

The best part about any office job is the fact that

you can print.

You print whatever you got to print, man.

That's why I went to work, so I could get paid.

I get health care and I print stuff for me and my loved ones.

I know you got a printer at home. We all got a printer at home.

That's for emergency use only.

The printer at home right now, that printer is currently unplugged.

It's dusty.

It only has cyan.

All your documents come out blue. "Oh, you an architect?"

At home I'm mean to myself, man. I'm mean.

I'm always talking myself out of printing stuff. I'm like, "No, no, no."

"You gonna memorize that."

If I have to print at home I'm like, we'll select the pages.

There's no "print all." "Print all" is for work.

At home, we select pages.

Double-sided.

Gray scale.

Lightest setting possible. When it comes out, it better be invisible.

That's why it's fun when you go to work. At work you print fast, loose.

You show up trigger-happy, you ready to control-P all day.

You might not make the money to live the life you dream,

but you can certainly print like you do.

At work, it's all about being wasteful

with no remorse.

You don't feel a thing. You don't feel a thing.

Have you ever thrown away documents… that you just printed?

You just clicked "print all," it just came out.

It's a fresh little stack.

Have you ever thrown away

warm paper?

[crowd laughs]

It feels wrong.

Maybe you should wait for it to cool down before you throw it in the garbage.

It just got here. Let it live a little bit.

But you don't hesitate,

because that office life made you a gangster.

It's weird, right?

It's weird. They try to control you in so many ways at work.

But they let you print free rein.

Ain't that suspicious?

Because they know

they got to leave us something to turn to

when we feel like we have no control.

They can't take away printing.

Printing is the only thing stopping the revolution.

When they say stuff like, "Come in Friday after Thanksgiving,"

that's when I'm like, "Oh, okay."

"Okay, I guess it's time for me to self-publish my Gmail account."

"I guess it's time for me to back it all up on paper."

"People use the cloud, I'm gonna use trees."

Full disclosure, everybody.

I got a reversible belt.

It's supposed to be a secret. I got one belt.

My coworker thought I had two.

If you don't know what a reversible belt is,

it's one belt, but it's black on one side, it's brown on the other side,

has a buckle that swivels.

So you can wear your choice of your brown dress shoes

or your black dress shoes.

Adjust the buckle accordingly. You match, people notice.

And that's how you get ahead in life.

The reversible belt's for a very specific period in your life

when you're fancy enough to own two pairs of dress shoes,

but you're not quite ready for two belts.

It's a transitional period. You will get there one day.

One day, you're gonna make that two-belt money.

But for now, you're gonna swivel.

Tsc. I'm…

I'm a godfather.

My friend made me the godfather of her daughters.

Made my girlfriend the godmother. Now we got to stay together for the kids.

[crowd laughs, applauds]

When your friends start having children, when your friends start having kids,

you'd better be ready.

You'd better be ready to read out loud again.

Do not assume that you can just do it.

I'm sure you can read. That's not the issue.

The issue is,

can you act?

Can you improvise voices for different characters?

Can you sing? Can you dance? Can you maintain confidence in yourself

as you put on a whole production for an audience

that gives you no feedback?

I went to my friend's house. I thought we were gonna have dinner.

At one point, they put the baby down.

They said, "You want to read to the baby?"

I said, uh…

"Are y'all gonna be listening too?"

Who is this exercise for?

They gave me a book called Dimity Duck.

I've never read this book. I jumped in confidently.

I was like, "Dimity Duck."

"Dimity Duck waddles, she toddles and she sings."

"Wiggle waggle goes her tail, and whoosh goes her wings."

And the whole time I'm reading this book, I'm trying so hard to not sound like E-40.

But I really wanted to.

Because I was like, "These rhymes are fire!"

"I want to honor the lyrics."

"She toddles and she sings."

"Wiggle waggle goes her tail, and whoosh goes her wings."

Uh…

[crowd cheers, applauds]

I think it's very precious, you know?

The time you spend with these kids is precious,

because they will reveal to you truths

about yourself that nobody in your life dare tell you.

One day, my goddaughter said to me, she said,

"Uncle Sheng,

your teeth are yellow and your elbows are gray."

I was like, "Good morning."

I was like, "We learned enough colors this month."

"I think you good. You good on colors."

"I think it's time for us to move on to how to deliver news with sensitivity."

One time my nephew said to me,

"Uncle Sheng, your breath smells like birds."

That's locked into my brain. It will not leave.

The kid can vote now. It's been 15 years.

It hurt more that it made no sense.

It's poetically abstract.

I felt like my breath was so bad, I pushed this child to discover metaphors.

It's hard when kids are mean. It's very hard to accept.

You know? Because they're so young.

They're so innocent.

They're not indoctrinated by religion, racism or politics.

Like, it's a very pure hate.

It's clean. You deserve it.

Because they came from God to you.

One time, I was at a wedding party.

Having a good time.

My friend introduced me to her niece, this little girl.

An aspiring comedian.

They said, "Hey, can you perform for her?" I said, "No, man. We at a wedding party."

"This is not the appropriate context or audience."

"I'm not gonna do it."

This little girl said, "You not funny, and you a fraud."

It got to me.

It cut deep. It affected my night. I could not shake it.

Have you ever had a kid be so mean to you,

you start to go crazy?

You start to think of ways to legally retaliate.

I was thinking long game. I was like, "Girl, I'm gonna get you eventually."

"Yeah. Maybe I'm gonna stop recycling."

"Maybe I'm gonna lean into climate change."

"I hope you like it hot!"

I'm not good with negative energy.

That's not where I want to be, man.

The last time I lost my temper, the last time I really, really lost it,

in a fit of rage,

I threw some earplugs across a hotel room.

If you know anything

about anger

or physics,

you know

there's no satisfaction

in throwing foam.

You release no tension.

You just confirm that you are angry and you are so stupid right now.

It was a family vacation.

I was sharing a hotel room with my dad. I knew he snored.

I brought my earplugs. I was prepared.

But one night I woke up, one earplug with missing.

I looked all around. I couldn't find it.

I was like, one alone is useless.

And out of frustration, I chucked it into the darkness.

I crawled back into bed, I found the other earplug in the sheets.

I was like, that's not helpful now. I threw that somewhere.

I laid down. I did not sleep.

And after a long, long while, finally I woke up my dad.

And in that moment is this very challenging situation,

because you have to explain to somebody who was just completely unconscious

that, actually, they've been an asshole for three hours.

They don't get it. They think they are innocent.

They believe with their whole heart that they are innocent.

In fact, they try to gaslight you. They look at you like you're the monster.

My dad was like, "What's your problem?"

I was like, "It's weird that you don't know."

"But it's okay, because I recorded you. I got a three-hour--"

"I got a three-hour mini docuseries of you

dying out loud."

"And in the very last second, you choose life again."

"You came back to us."

"You did that over and over."

"You choked yourself, then you saved yourself again and again."

It's pure terror.

I'm an innocent bystander.

The first hour, I'm scared. I'm concerned.

Every now and then, the snoring stops. There's relief.

And then there's also, "But is he dead, though?"

The second hour I'm like, life or death. Please pick one, let us move forward.

The third hour, I spent researching.

"Deviated septums."

"CPAP machines."

And I just contemplated. I just thought about it, you know?

"How did snoring

survive evolution?"

That don't make sense.

Biologically, I'm not sure you're supposed to be here anymore.

I don't think you belong in the gene pool.

That's not a trait fit for survival.

You unconscious!

And you loud.

You the perfect prey.

You should have been eaten in your sleep a long time ago by a saber-toothed tiger.

You out here giving away everybody's location.

Have you ever tried to copy somebody's snoring?

With an agenda, right?

Because the next morning, even at full volume,

your recording didn't quite capture what you thought had happened.

You say, "Never mind the recording. I'm gonna do it live."

"I'm gonna show you what you did to me."

You try to snore at them as hard as you can.

But after two seconds, it starts to hurt real bad.

You can't sustain it.

That's when you realize, it's kind of an evil superpower.

It's kind of a dark miracle that somebody can snore all night,

wake up rested.

And they just walk away unscathed.

It feels like there should be blood everywhere.

Despite the snoring drama, you know,

generally I am connecting with my parents more.

And one thing we bond over, surprisingly,

is fruit.

Grown Asian people love fruit, dude.

You better know this.

If you try and date an older Asian person, you better know what's in season now.

You better know what's sweet and juicy right now.

Every Asian American has a childhood memory of their parents

sending them on a mission to go steal fruit from the neighbor's yard.

I cherish that memory. I knew it was shady, but it was fun.

You know? And also, I understand.

You know, my parents are immigrants from Taiwan.

They grew up poor. As kids, they had very little.

As a kid, my mom had no interest in her own birthday,

because the only thing they gave her was one chicken egg.

My childhood was very different.

My birthdays would include cake, gifts. My best friend would sleep over.

At night, we'd go out and throw eggs at people's houses.

It's pretty crazy to think about how far we've come in one generation.

That's a pretty big leap forward from a one-egg birthday party,

to the life of privilege that I've gotten to live.

It's incredible, you know?

I'm absolutely grateful that my parents immigrated,

but as grateful as I am,

I don't know if I would ever do that for my kids.

That's a lot of inconvenience.

That's a lot of suffering and sacrifice, right?

Can you imagine…

leaving home?

You really think about what that means to leave

your home.

You leave your family, your friends, your community.

You leave everything that you are familiar with.

You move to a completely foreign country where you don't speak the language,

just so your offspring have more opportunities.

And then your kid goes into stand-up comedy.

That's devastating.

They had no idea this was a risk.

When they were deciding, "Should we stay? Should we go?"

They had no clue he might find a brand-new way to struggle.

You provide everything one needs to succeed.

He might choose to have a hard life on purpose.

They put me through college. I got a business degree.

I played with their hopes and dreams all the way up until graduation.

And then I was like, "Psych!"

"I got jokes, Mom."

[crowd laughs, applauds]

My mom don't even know what stand-up comedy is.

She tells her friends I'm like a clown with words.

But they're proud of me. My folks are proud of me.

I assume. They haven't said it yet.

My folks are proud of me because I'm kind of tall.

Immigrant parents love tall children.

It's their favorite.

They see that as progress.

They see that as affirmation of their life choices.

They see that as an indication the kid got nutrients they never got.

Now the kid can steal fruit from a little bit higher.

I'm grateful.

I want to make them proud, you know? I do.

It's tough in this business. I try to push ahead.

I try to do things I assume grown-ups are supposed to be doing, you know?

Like recently, I started researching this thing people call

"real estates."

Right? Because I saved a little bit of money,

and was led to believe perhaps it's time

for me to think about buying a house in Los Angeles.

Maybe that's within my reach.

So I looked into it, turns out that, actually,

I got to borrow a million dollars.

I'm new and naive to the whole business,

but if I have to borrow a million dollars to buy a house, it feels like…

I can't buy a house.

My agent was like, "No big deal. We're going to get you a mortgage."

So I was like, okay, I'll put in an application

for what's called a jumbo loan.

That's the technical term.

On the application it's written J-U-M-B-O, "Jumbo."

We all know it's too much money

when you got business people using cartoon words.

If you want to qualify for a jumbo, your down payment got to be bonkers.

The crazy thing was, somebody approved it.

I got approved for a jumbo unexpectedly. I was in shock.

When I saw that I was like…

They think I'm good for it.

They think I'm good for one million, plus 900,000 in interest.

That's two million dollars they expect me to provide them over my lifetime.

They know something I don't know.

That's encouraging, you know?

I'm not gonna buy a house, but as a comedian

you know I love getting approval from strangers.

I'm always curious,

who was that loan officer?

Who was that person working at the bank reviewing the applications,

like, "Sheng Wang is a 42-year-old Taiwanese American

trying to make it as a stand-up comedian."

That's a bad bet.

But we gonna play today.

I'm Sheng Wang. Thank you all so very much!

-[crowd cheers] -[hip hop music plays]

Thank you, everybody.

Appreciate you.

Be well. Love y'all.

Take care.

[hip-hop music continues]

[hip-hop music ends]