Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Holmes.

Hello, everybody, how's it going?

Thank you so much. Sit down. Have a seat. Thank you.

Pete.

Thank you very, very much. Thank you, guys. Look at you.

We're here.

You... Yeah.

You made it. I'm proud of you.

We're doing something.

I mean it.

This is sincere, you left the house?

That's no small feat.

You know how hard it is to leave... I think you do.

It's fucking hard to leave the house. You should be proud, you left that...

What's in the house? Fucking everything?

Fucking everything is in the house.

All your food, all your little snacks.

The long chair you call a couch. Oh, so comfy.

Climate control.

You can close the door, there's that click.

You know, that click, get a nice seal on your perimeter.

It's a good feeling, you close the door and your lizard brain hears the click,

it's like, "Let's remain here."

Stay here forever.

Not you guys are like, "Fuck it. We're going into the dark night."

Yeah!

We'll find parking, we'll make it work.

You're like Dora the Goddamn Explorers.

I'm impressed.

I'm honored. What did you pass up in your homes?

Any movie?

You guys said no to any movie.

To come to this. To roll the dice on live entertainment.

Yeah, sure.

I agree.

And it could go either way.

So glad.

What I was about to say, "I'm so glad this is going well."

I know. It's weird.

We all wanted to be good, you know what I mean?

We're all in the same boat. I'm being filmed, you're being filmed, too.

Some of you were like, and there's...

There's a camera right next to you, you're like, "How do I laugh normal?"

Oh, no!

Don't be nervous. It's gonna be fine.

I dressed up. This is dressed up for me.

Some comedians wear suits for their specials, this is a suit for me.

A hard pant... I don't wanna be wearing these hard pants.

What the fuck am I doing in these hard non-giving pants?

All day before I changed for the show, I was head-to-toe lululemon.

It's true. All day, I was rocking the dream,

I was wearing head-to-toe lululemon.

If you don't know what lululemon is, you're a good person.

lululemon is high-end yoga wear for assholes who don't do yoga.

And I am one of them.

I am one of those assholes. I like it. I love it.

My guy friends give me shit. They tease me for wearing Lulu.

They're like, "There's a men section?" I'm like, "Yes. You gotta look for it."

It moves around. You can find it.

I like it. They think women don't like a guy in a Lulu. I disagree.

Women like a guy in a Lulu because if I go up to a woman wearing lululemon,

it does all the work for me.

Before even say anything, it nonverbally transmits just, "Hey,

relax."

"Nothing bad is about to happen to you."

No one has ever gone up to a cop like,

"He went that way! He's wearing lululemon!"

"Go now! He's fast and nimble!

He can move and bend in ways your uniform does not allow!"

It never happened.

Mike Pence looks like a clear gummy bear, is that...

Is that anything?

He looks like a clear gummy bear that kind of got his shit together.

You know what I mean? He bought a suit, like a human suit.

He learned how to tie a tie with his unformed gummy hands.

He rehearsed in the mirror at home like, "Hello."

"Hello, Mr. President."

Look at him go!

My fucking pina colada gummy bear got all the way to Oval Office.

It's like he's a bad guy, but that's impressive for a candy.

"Please don't leave me in a hot car."

Mike Pence said he doesn't wanna be left in the room alone

with a woman that's not his wife, I don't think that's sexual.

I think he's too delicious.

If you laughed at that, you're gonna love this show.

You picked the right night. You picked the right night.

My wife and I, this is exciting, we just had a baby, so we...

Thank you very much.

I'm so glad that you guys are baby positive.

The baby's only about a month old. But when I started doing sets...

I know, it's crazy, she just got here. Where was she?

I was sleeping next to my wife and consciousness flipped on in her belly,

just bink, it's here now.

And it's my responsibility. That's insane.

But then you guys are positive.

I've been talking about the baby on stage right when she was born,

I was like, "We just had a baby." Somebody in the audience said,

"Yeah. Your life's over."

"Bye-bye, life."

"Bye-bye, life. Your life, that's over.

Your life is over."

And I was like, "Yeah, I don't fucking care."

I had a good run. I had 39 uninterrupted years of just like,

"You guys eaten cheese?" Like, let's fucking...

Mix this up.

I can't be 40, "I'm really looking forward to the new Joker movie."

Let's get some new people in here.

It's not that bad. People all warn you that you don't sleep.

You sleep, you just sleep different.

You sleep in bursts. Sleep for, like, three hours and you're up for an hour,

sleep for two hours and you're up for an hour. It's fine.

Because the best part of sleep is falling asleep.

It's the only part you're there for.

It's the only part you're there for. The rest is just a coma.

When you say you love sleep, you mean that moment where you're waiting like,

"Oh, here we go." Like that?

That's what you mean when you cascade into the caramel waterfall

and it's a surprise every time, like, "Oh, it's got me!"

Where you're the spoonful of sugar

and you get swirled into the glass of ice tea that is slumber, you're like,

"I'm going away!" That is the best part of sleep.

It's the only good part of sleep.

And because I have a baby now, I get to do this 22 times a night.

It's the best.

I was getting up to pee anyway.

It's funny when you go to the hospital, you have the baby, they give you one.

They give you your baby.

I knew it was my baby. My baby looks so much like me, it feels impolite.

Like it's not supposed to be, it came out. It was embarrassing.

I was like, "Oh, shit. It's me." Like, that's not...

It's like my genes are assholes. They're bully genes.

They got in the mix and my genes were just like, "We don't want to jell!"

"This guy's nose. This guy's lips. This guy's labia."

It's my baby.

It's embarrassing.

You're supposed to go 50/50 with your wife, to puff puff pass the baby.

And I bogarted the baby.

They gave me the baby and I was like, "Face match ID, a hundred percent."

Before you leave the hospital, they say the same thing. The parents will know.

They all give you the same advice every single nurse, there's like 20 nurses.

They all told us, they go, "Hey, never shake a baby."

Over and over. Another nurse, really. Really.

"Hey, listen up. Don't shake a baby."

There's posters that say, "Never ever shake a baby."

Val and I were like, "What the fuck? Who would shake a baby,

we're in love with this little baby?" What they don't tell you

is you're gonna wanna shake that baby.

Oh, you're gonna wanna shake the shit out of that baby.

You are gonna be tempted as fuck to shake like a goddamn Etch A Sketch,

or a hysterical woman in an office in the '60s, "Goddamn it, Diane!"

But you want to shake the baby.

I wish I knew. It's not like it's out of nowhere.

It's not like you're having a quiet night at home, the baby's in the crib

and you're like, "Oh, I got an idea."

It's not that. They tell you when the baby cries, rock the baby.

They tell you, swing the baby. This is code

for kind of shake your baby.

The baby starts crying a little bit, you shake it a bit, and it works.

And it starts crying a lot, turned bright red, screaming in your face,

and you're like, "What?"

It stands to reason.

You want to.

The logic tracks but you can't, because you know... Sure some of you know.

You know what happens, what the disease is called if you shake a baby?

Shaken... Yes. Shaken baby syndrome.

It's the name of the disease. It might as well be called Dad Lost It.

The disease includes what happened. It's like a shame disease.

It's like a scarlet letter name for disease.

It's made to dissuade you from doing it because you can't be casual.

You can be casual about other diseases.

"Yeah, I got to go home. My baby's got a little bit of jaundice.

It's not a big deal. She's just working through some jaundice."

You can't be like, you got to go home.

"My baby has got

Shaken baby syndrome."

"Yeah, I don't know what happened."

"It's going around, just going around. She caught it. It's in the air.

It's in the air." Everyone knows some shit went down. There's no excuse.

You can't be like, "Yeah, we went off-roading,

I told her to buckle up, she's a little Guy Fieri. She doesn't give a fuck."

She got tossed and tussled. She's fucked up now, I know, yeah.

I put her on my cell phone, it was on vibrate, got a few calls.

She's different now.

I haven't... I've never shaken the baby. You don't shake the baby.

You want to.

I wish someone told me. I'm like, "Am I a monster?"

"No, it's everybody."

I love having a baby, Baby Lilo. I love her. She's amazing.

And it's not that hard, getting a dog... I never had a dog my whole life.

Getting a dog, honestly, was more confusing than getting a baby.

We got a baby.

Honestly, getting a dog was different because it's a fucking dog,

it's not even your species. It's just a wild animal.

You're like, "You wanna be in here?"

Hey, you, you eating the pigeon bones, you wanna be in here?

When your baby cries, it's a human. I have a human baby.

When it cries, you have a guess.

You're like, "It's probably hungry. It's hot, it's cold, has gas."

These are the problems that I have.

So you're like, "I got it." I have no idea what my dog wants.

My best guess, never-ending eye contact.

I'm trying to watch Great British Bake Off, he's down there like, "Hey, dad."

Over here.

"What the fuck do you want?" I don't know what he wants.

I was raised with cats and you can kind of tell.

You can kind of tell I was raised with cats.

It's the worst hackle you could give me is laughing at that.

You can tell I was raised with cats. The command I most often give my dog

is, "Go live your life."

I don't know what he wants.

They're needy. I just didn't know how needy a dog is.

I've been out of the house for two days. If my dog had a cell phone,

I'd have 4,022 missed calls,

4,022 texts of the bone emoji and the walk emoji.

He'd be FaceTiming me right now just like,

"Look at these baby browns, dad. Look at these goddamn baby browns."

You look for your cat, you hide from your dog.

Does that makes sense?

You don't know what your cat is. Like, people say cats are evil and they are.

But they're also all set. You know what I mean? They're fine.

They're out learning to fucking meditate or some shit.

They're rolling their own cigarettes.

When I left the house with my dog, I toss a tuna steak and do a barrel roll

out the window, just so he wouldn't be like, "Is this forever?"

But if you have a cat and you see your cat, you're excited.

It's like a B-list celebrity sighting.

It's like seeing John Stamos napping in a sunbeam in your kitchen.

Like, "Oh, my God. We have a cat?" Scoop it up. "I knew I wasn't crazy."

You take pictures with the cat, selfies with cat, prove you have a cat.

Put the cat down, he's like, "Don't tag me. Don't tag me."

I'm being real with you. I don't know how smart animals are.

I know they have different levels. They have different levels of smartness.

Like my neighbor, he has two dogs.

He was telling me that he has a big dog and he has a little dog.

When he goes out of town, he has to tape newspaper

to the reflective glass of his fireplace. Otherwise... listen to this,

the little dog will see his reflection

and think there's a second little dog

stuck in the place that he's only ever seen burst into flames.

So he's just like, "Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

I ain't going nowhere, brother."

Because he's a goddamn hero.

But when my neighbor told me his little dog doesn't understand reflections,

all I heard was, the big dog does?

I'm a human being, I don't understand reflections.

You're telling me a slightly larger dog is like,

"I get it."

"That ain't me. I'm me. That looks like me.

I know what I look like, but that's a trick of the eye.

Life, it's a mystery."

"It's a particle and a wave.

It's both. Some of the particles go through the glass,

that's why we can see what's illuminated inside the fireplace.

But then a rather arbitrary amount bounce back and frame me in light.

I love science."

"I love science.

I love it. I love science and licking my own asshole."

I got married this year, big year, baby and marry.

Thank you.

Sweet Lady Val. I'm glad you guys are pro-baby. I'm glad you're pro-marriage.

A lot of my friends in LA, anti-marriage, showbiz town,

nobody gets married. I've noticed that the same group, though,

that is anti-marriage, they're all pro-tattoo.

It's the same group. They'd come up to me and they're just like,

"I don't know, man."

"I don't know how you can make a commitment of that magnitude."

I'm like, "You have the word 'sublime' on your neck."

"Every job interview you go on,

they'll be looking at that old English sublime and they're gonna be thinking,

'Oh, caress me down." Like that...

That's a commitment.

My wife is amazing. She's smart. She's funny. She's my best friend.

She's got big old titties. So, yeah.

She loves this joke. Don't worry. She loves this joke.

You got big old titties and I wanna talk about it.

I'm tired of not talking about it.

My wife has big boobs. You know why?

Because I don't give up on my goddamn childhood dreams.

I'm not a quitter.

Eight-year-old me fucking loves me.

When I was 8, I wanted a girlfriend with big boobs and a racecar bed

and I am halfway there.

Big boobs are interesting. I feel for her because she can't really hide them.

She can cover them up, but everybody knows.

They're there. It's like throwing a tarp over a porch of a house.

No one looks at it like, "Look at that house, it doesn't have a porch."

You can still see the shape and the side, you're like,

"That house has some big ass porches." You know.

I feel bad, like, you can hide a big old dick.

No one has to know. You can send it down one leg,

you can curl it up like a Cinnabon.

It's a reveal. On the big night, it's a reveal. You're like, "Yeah."

"That's why I'm so confident."

With big boobs, everyone can tell. Everyone can tell

which can be awkward sometimes. Like she had to meet my parents.

What do you do? You just have to own it.

You're like, "Mom, dad, as you can see,

this is what your son is into."

Mom, you remember.

It's weird whenever you meet somebody's significant other.

It's a little too much info. You know what I'm talking about?

Especially if you don't know them and they're just like, "This is Tina."

Like, I don't wanna see that shit,

the manifestation of the recesses of your sexual subconscious.

You're just like, "Yeah. This is what makes me rock hard."

"Fucking beat it, Dan. We're in a Chipotle. Keep that shit to yourself."

I'm like, "What did Val's parents do to her that this is what she wants?"

That she wants this ogre Lithuanian that's like,

"What's going on, you guys?"

We got engaged, some of you might know this story, in a hot air balloon

because I'm not fucking around.

She mentioned when we were dating always wanted to go in a balloon.

I wrote it down, and four years later I was like, "It's time to get married.

I wanna get married. Let's go hot air balloon." She knew.

She knew what was up. It wasn't a surprise. She knew I was gonna propose.

You can't just roll up to a hot air balloon

wearing your one sport coat.

She's like, "We've been dating for four years.

Would you like to hover in a basket for no reason?"

"Would you like to be adrift airborne for no reason whatsoever?"

She knew. She's not a dummy.

In fact, if she had been surprised, I might have called it off.

But I didn't think it through.

The basket's fucking tiny, it's the size of four pizza boxes.

So when I got in, it's already pretty much full.

And then I was like, "This will be fine, Val. It'll be a romantic day."

What I didn't consider is there's another...

there's another fucking guy.

Of course, there's another guy to fly the balloon,

and he gets in, and he's right here.

I can feel the tickle of the stranger's whiskers, just like...

I can feel the heat of his breath, and he was like a man's man.

He's like a Ben Affleck character.

Wearing a Carhartt jacket with scuffs on and he's just watching me...

He was kind of ruining the day. He kept calling everything gay.

I know. Biggest day of my life, he's up there just like,

"That's Janet Jackson's ranch down there. Fucking gay."

"I used to work at that deli. They fired me. Huh, fucking gay."

I was like, "Sir,

you pilot a balloon."

"You pilot a rainbow-colored balloon

soaring majestic over the Wine Country of Santa Barbara,

maybe cool it on the gaze."

But it was enough. It was enough to shake me. He's right here.

I was planning to be very flowery, like "Val, since I first saw you, I knew..."

"You are like the sun, and the moon, and the sky," but I get this fucking...

"You gonna do it?"

So I got nervous. This is a hundred percent real, I took the ring out,

Val acted surprised, nice girl.

But I froze up, I just went, "Val."

"I would be honored to call you my wife."

That's all I said.

I blew it. I didn't propose. You're supposed to propose.

You're supposed to say, "Will you marry me?" I just went, "It would be great."

"Let's get the law involved."

I didn't give her anything to respond to.

It's like we were playing tennis, but she didn't have a racket.

But she's good. She said yes even though I didn't say anything.

She went, "Yeah, put the ring on."

I wonder what fucking Affleck's gonna say.

I don't want him to judge me. I don't want him to be like,

"Man marrying a woman? That's fucking gay."

That's not what he said. This is 100% real. It's dead quiet in the balloon.

I just proposed, she said... Yeah, I didn't propose, but she said, yes.

What's the guy gonna say? He does two celebratory toots of the flame.

This is a 100% real, he goes, "Lot of girls up here, they say no."

As if that wasn't bad enough, then he adds,

"One girl said yes in the basket,

when we landed said no."

"Clever girl."

Clever girl?

Don't Jurassic Park my engagement story.

Did you know the movie "Three Amigos"

was released in Spanish speaking-countries as Tres Friends?

What else can I tell you? I'm older. I like traffic.

I'm being real with you, I don't mind traffic.

I'm not just doing material that fits my friendly face.

You can imagine being in traffic and just looking at me and I'm like.

But I mean it, I don't mind traffic, is this a traffic city?

- Yes. - Who cares?

What's the big deal?

Just sit there.

Nothing is being asked of you. Just fucking remain.

Surrender.

Surrender and remain.

I know I'm in the minority. I always look to my left,

there's always a guy in a white BMW that's like, "God fucking traffic."

A vein in his neck like a white chocolate Snickers bar.

Like, where are you going?

Seriously, where are you headed, you stupid bitch?

Where are you going?

Seriously, what is so important?

You're like, "I'll be happy when I'm at work."

Be happy now. Enjoy everything.

Really, that's why I don't use Waze. You guys know what Waze is?

Waze is the app that uses crowdsource info to get you around traffic.

I know a lot of you probably like Waze. Does anybody here hate Waze?

Fuck Waze.

I only need a few of you. Fuck Waze. Listen to me,

it's not the way of the soul.

It's all head, it's no heart. Do you know what I mean?

It just sucks you in and you're like, "Traffic? Ha, we'll see about that."

"Right, left, right, left, left, left, left, right, right, left, right, left."

"I'm a special boy."

Just fucking give up, you stupid bitch, give up.

I don't need to save five minutes careening through gated communities.

We don't belong on those roads.

Apple Orchard Lane? Get out of there.

And even if you like it, I think we can agree there should be a medium setting.

Why am I thinking of this? I'm not an app developer.

There should be a medium, there's no medium.

It's either off or Indiana Jones, that's all you got.

It's either radio silence or it thinks you rush a kidney to the Obama family.

But I say fuck it.

I mean this. Give up. Surrender.

Just get on the freeway with the rest of us.

Long, slow, straight, good.

Tune out, listen to music. Why are you so afraid of being alone?

Just be with yourself. Call an old friend, keep a friendship alive,

listen to a podcast.

My friends all get there, I feel you pulling away...

My friends all use Waze. They get to the office five minutes before me.

You can tell they use Waze because they're white as a sheet.

Their eyes are bugging out of their head for making those suicide lefts

on to five oncoming lanes of traffic. They're just like...

"This is a shortcut."

You can be five minutes early, I'll be ten minutes late and tell everyone

what I learned on this American life. That's a better way. It's a better way.

What I'm saying is enjoy everything, this is all we have,

or maybe it's not, I don't know. I won't make fun of your answers.

Does anybody here... Clap if you believe in an afterlife.

Clap if you don't believe in it but you're open to it.

You don't think there's evidence, but you're open to it.

Anybody, reincarnation? Reincarnation?

And who thinks it's just dead over, you just unplug the TV, boom?

I think you're all right.

I think those are all correct answers.

What I think is funny about it, though, is all my friends think it's dead over.

They just think you unplug the TV and it's lights out.

They all say the same thing to me, they're like, "Pete, think about it."

"Afterlife makes no sense.

Makes no sense, an afterlife."

"You think an afterlife makes sense?

You got to think about that again because an afterlife..."

"Afterlife makes no sense."

And I was like, "Yeah, I agree with you.

You know what else makes no sense? Fucking this."

"Life makes no fucking sense."

So I would argue that life sets a precedent

for potentially more shit that makes no sense." Does that make sense?

But my friends... Why not?

But my friends are all, like, "No, man, there's this bullshit

that we all woke up in that's confusing that none of us asked for."

"And then no more bullshits."

"It's a one-time bullshit deal."

What? Nothing makes fucking sense. Life makes no sense.

You're on a planet right now. You think you're in America? Zoom out.

You're on a space rock floating in nothingness, infinite nothingness.

And the infinite nothingness is expanding.

That means endlessness is getting bigger.

That makes no fucking sense.

We all just act like it's normal, like, "Everything's made of molecules."

"Okay."

"Got it. I'll never think about that again."

I'm made of molecules, you're made of molecules. The air between us, too.

That makes no fucking sense. These molecules know they're molecules?

These molecules are like, "I'm Pete." That doesn't make any sense.

This stool is made of molecules, the same molecules in my hand.

Some of the molecules in this stool went into me while I've been talking.

And some that were me have gone into this stool.

And when I knock these molecules into these molecules, when we ask Science,

"Why don't they go through each other?" You know what the answer is?

We don't know.

That doesn't make any fucking sense.

I'm open to anything. If I died... Listen to me,

if I died and it was just kitty cat Thanksgiving, I'd be like, "Yeah. OK."

"Makes about as much sense as the fucking conundrum I was just stuck in."

"Pass the gravy."

I'm not saying it's for sure. I'm just saying it's worth debating.

It makes me wonder like, I wonder as a thought experiment

if we were somewhere before we were here, if we were just mist,

each of you didn't have a body, we're just mist. You were just awareness.

If we were all just hanging out in some sort of primordial area,

just debating the existence of life.

He's like, "You believe in life?"

"Get real!"

"You think there's hotdogs and roller skates?" "You're a child."

"Didn't you go to college?"

Don't get me wrong, nothing is absolutely one of the choices.

I see that for sure. And I'm not afraid of nothing. I'm not afraid of nothing.

Who fucking cares? It's nothing. If you're nothing, but you're like,

"I don't wanna be nothing," you won't be there.

Just jump off the high dive into soft, dark soil and you're like, "Bye, Pete."

Like, "Fine."

"I just don't wanna go to hell."

There's no hell.

Be reasonable. There's no fucking hell.

Don't wanna be wrong about that one.

If there is a hell, I don't think the worst part will be the torture.

The worst part would be that we don't get breaks to talk about the torture.

I think that's what would make it hell.

Like if they would blow a whistle every 20 minutes.

And we all just gather in a common area, drink boiling water.

Just like, "What are they doing to you?"

I'll say, "Oh, yeah. I'm in a room with millions of little crabs.

It's like tiny little crabs and they're eating me real slow."

"Oh, yeah. With their little nibbles?" "Yeah. Yeah. The little nibbles."

"What are they doing to you?" "Oh, I'm getting fucked by a donkey."

Yeah. They're running out of ideas down here.

It's been a while. We're falling in love.

I think... I think that might be my heaven.

Like suffering then talking about it, suffering then talking about it.

Like what we're doing here. You know what I'm saying?

What if the last words of the Bible where you had to be there? What if.

Yeah, to the end, it really would've made more sense if you saw this.

One of my career goals is to open a Christian buffet called,

"God helps those that help themselves."

Oh, let's do that. This is something I wanna do.

On the count of three, don't say anything.

Don't say anything. But just check if you have to pee.

All of us are gonna do it.

At the same time, we're all gonna check. Don't say anything.

Three, two, one. Check if you have to pee.

What was that?

I'm serious. What did you just do?

Let's just do it again, especially if you didn't do it the first time.

Three, two, one. Check if you have to pee. What.

What action did you just command? You're like, "Okay, go down."

"Send something down."

Like most of the time you're up here.

Who you are is behind your eyes and you just sort of puppeteer your body.

You just kind of dangling down there like a marionette. You're like,

"Get that diet coke. Send the arm."

"Give it to us."

But every time you check if you have to pee, you send a little piece of you

rappelling down on a reconnaissance mission

to your dick or your pussy and you're just like...

Thirty percent, I'd say like, twenty more minutes.

I'm so tired of not talking about this.

Your brain is weird.

Your brain has eyes like you have eyes.

But your brain also has eyes that see things that only you can see.

Like picture an orange, keep your eyes open but picture an orange, the fuck.

Like really do it. Keep 'em open but think really hard about an orange.

What the shit. Just for a second.

Just a giant orange. I don't know how big yours was. Mine was giant.

She's a giant translucent orange that only you can see.

God, I hope you're stoned.

God, I hope you're stoned.

But why do you have to be stoned for this to be interesting?

Like your brain has ears.

Seriously, it has ears. You have ears. Your brain also has ears.

Sing a happy birthday in your head. We'll all do it.

Everybody sing happy birthday in your head right now.

How are you hearing that?

I'm serious. What the fuck is going on? It's so normal. We're just like,

"Yeah. I could hear it. No one else could hear it. I can hear it."

This is a part of you listening like, "Yeah. Happy birthday."

What's going on? Make it louder. Let's sing it again

but make it as loud as you possibly can. Ready? Go.

Was it louder? Clap if you think it was louder.

Clap if it wasn't louder, the voice was just going... "Happy birth..."

Okay. So you can't make it louder?

There's just a set volume for your thoughts?

How do you know your set volume is the same as my set volume?

Maybe to some people, it's louder. Maybe that's what crazy people are.

They're not crazy but they just have a fucked up volume.

They're walking around and then just like, "Buy a hammer." "All right!"

"Kill that pigeon. It's your dad." "Okay."

"With the hammer?" "Yes."

I was having a lunch with a friend of mine. He's black.

I'll tell you his black for a reason. He kept saying the N word.

He said it like, 30 times. He didn't say the word.

He kept saying "The N word."

I was like, "Yeah. Hey,

that's our phrase."

Some of you are sitting that one out. I can see that.

There's a pheromone white people release

when they're not sure if they can laugh at a joke. They're like,

"I heard the words necessary to make a racist joke, gonna take a pause."

"We'll laugh in the Audi, it'll be fine. It'll be fine."

I think it's interesting though, it's 2018, there's still some racists.

It's totally fine to be racist towards. I didn't mean like, hate speech.

I mean casual, socially acceptable racism. Like towards Italians.

Why is that okay? You all know what I'm talking about.

I can be with my Italian friends, it's totally fine for me to be like,

"You wanna go to a pizza pie?"

What the fuck? Why is that okay?

"Oh, linguini with clams."

I know a lot of you are Italian, I'm not Italian.

No one's gonna tweet about this.

This is not a controversy, it's fine. It's in our video games.

"It's a me, Mario."

It's a me?

It's a me, just an impression of an immigrant struggling with the language.

"I'mma Luigi, I'mma gonna win ah."

Don't tease him, he's new here.

Help him find the bus, help him find work.

Why is that okay? It's, like, a weird blind spot.

You can't say horrow.

I agree, why is it fine to be, like, "Ah, Giuseppi." Like, it's crazy.

They'll make a madman type show about this time that we're in now.

We're all gonna watch and be, like, "Things we're different." It's now.

Things are different now. We're living through a weird fucking time right now.

Enjoy it three more years.

We are living in the future...

Now we are, now. Now.

Now it is future. Now. Now is the future.

Now.

You know what I think it's fucking crazy about living now?

Elon Musk, you know, the crazy billionaire dude?

Invented the self-driving car?

It's crazy. This isn't something they're working on, they made it.

They have a self-driving car now. What I think is funny about that?

It doesn't matter how fancy an invention Elon Musk makes,

he's still just one of these.

Does that make sense? He's stuck in one of these meat puppets?

Just like you and me, just like a baboon. He's just a guy,

just going around. There's some things you can't upgrade, is my point.

He's working on impossible math to make a self-driving car

but when he gets hungry there's no technology.

He just goes, "There's a rumble in my jumble." Like, he just feels...

Just like you and me, he just goes, "No, I've got to eat."

Then he gets a plate. That's the height of technology.

A plate, just a level surface for his food,

with a piece of salmon on it and he wants that salmon in him

but it's too big. So he gets a fork and a knife,

that's the height of the technology,

he cuts it into a mouth-size piece, and he goes "That's about right."

It's too hot so he goes...

He can't upgrade this, he just had to go, "Now wind activate."

And he puts it in his mouth and gnaws it...

He swallows it like a fucking pelican because that's the best he can do.

You understand? He can't upgrade this.

When has to shit, he doesn't have a contact lens that goes, like,

"Elon, shit detected."

He just feels it, like you and me, he just goes, that's not gas.

I feel shame.

I feel shame and I wanna be alone.

So he makes an excuse with his egghead friends, he's, like,

"I have to make a phone call." But no, he doesn't.

He has to go in a little room and squat on a bowl that's filled with water.

That's the best we can do. That is the height of the technology.

It's a bowl filled with water and he squats like an ostrich in the Serengeti

and he bears down, he goes,

"Elon push. Don't you back away from me right now."

This is what he fucking does. He pushes and he hears a plop, plop, plop,

and that's how he knows progress is being made.

And then when he thinks he's done and he's not always right...

When he thinks he's done, he gets paper, that's the best we have,

paper from Ancient Egypt.

And he wipes his shitty ass and then he looks at it.

So you fucking pull away from me.

Everyone here knows there's no better method than the wipe and the look.

The old wipe and look. He goes wipe, wipe, wipe,

and then he goes, "Whoa, I got some work ahead of me."

He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, getting there.

Wipe, wipe, wipe, clean but I don't trust it.

Wipe, wipe, wipe, "Whoa, good thing I didn't stop while I was ahead."

And then he gets to what he considers an Elon level of clean.

He washes his hands, gets in his car and goes, po-poop! "Home."

Crazy.

All porn happened in the past.

Like, I know there's cams and stuff but for the most part it was earlier.

Like, we're ahead of them.

Like, we're now, and they're then. They're, like, back then.

We know shit they don't know. They're back then, like...

"Oh, what if Hillary is gonna win?" Like, they don't know.

"When's the McRib coming back?" They're in the dark.

We're the dumdums that are home, just going, it's now in my mind.

But I'm off porn. I go off and on, it's hard, it's addictive

but I knew I had to go off because the last time I was watching... using it,

I don't know what you say.

Was watching it, I was mastur... I was masturbating,

It'd be weird if I was just like "Aha."

I was masturbating and went... I'm sorry.

And when I was finishing... I didn't give the order to say anything

but I involuntarily... while I was coming, I went, "Oh, not worth it."

Because it wasn't. It wasn't worth it.

That dirty feeling I had to carry around with me the rest of the day?

I had to go to the post office. There's kids and old women there,

I have to be like, "I'm not a monster", like I had to.

I have to be off porn though because it's the acting.

One of the things that really ruins it for me is the acting.

I don't even mean the acting before the sex, where they're, like,

"I have a pizza for Misty." Like, not that.

I'm talking about the acting during the sex. For the most part it's normal

but every once in a while you come across someone that's overdoing it.

The last one I saw, this is an accurate impression. I'll send you the link.

So woman was going nuts. So regular sexing, just normal stuff,

and she was going...

She's going...

"Fuck that pussy."

I'm not even exaggerating. "Fuck that pussy."

Like, in the scene before, she was normal, she's, like, "Hello."

And then when the sex...

Like, what are you doing? Have you had sex before?

This isn't an exorcism. People are trying to masturbate.

There's no script, we let you improvise and this is what you come in with?

Did she rehearse that?

In her trailer in front of the mirror before just, like, "I'll be right out."

Seems racist.

"Fuck that pussy." Nope, nope, not quite right.

"Fuck that pussy."

I'm ready!

Portland.

Thank you so, so, so, much.

Best crowd I've had in a long time.

I mean that. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you guys. Keep it crispy.

Be good. Good night.