1 00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:08,217 Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Holmes. 2 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:30,030 Hello, everybody, how's it going? 3 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:36,078 Thank you so much. Sit down. Have a seat. Thank you. 4 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,747 Pete. 5 00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:44,336 Thank you very, very much. Thank you, guys. Look at you. 6 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,968 We're here. 7 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,345 You... Yeah. 8 00:00:53,971 --> 00:00:57,891 You made it. I'm proud of you. 9 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:01,228 We're doing something. 10 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:08,235 I mean it. 11 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:12,447 This is sincere, you left the house? 12 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:15,200 That's no small feat. 13 00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:18,912 You know how hard it is to leave... I think you do. 14 00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:24,877 It's fucking hard to leave the house. You should be proud, you left that... 15 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:28,672 What's in the house? Fucking everything? 16 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:35,304 Fucking everything is in the house. 17 00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:38,140 All your food, all your little snacks. 18 00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:43,645 The long chair you call a couch. Oh, so comfy. 19 00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:46,190 Climate control. 20 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,775 You can close the door, there's that click. 21 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:52,946 You know, that click, get a nice seal on your perimeter. 22 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,866 It's a good feeling, you close the door and your lizard brain hears the click, 23 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:59,578 it's like, "Let's remain here." 24 00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:02,289 Stay here forever. 25 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:06,376 Not you guys are like, "Fuck it. We're going into the dark night." 26 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,420 Yeah! 27 00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:12,007 We'll find parking, we'll make it work. 28 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:17,971 You're like Dora the Goddamn Explorers. 29 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:20,349 I'm impressed. 30 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:24,228 I'm honored. What did you pass up in your homes? 31 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:27,189 Any movie? 32 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:34,738 You guys said no to any movie. 33 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:39,284 To come to this. To roll the dice on live entertainment. 34 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,830 Yeah, sure. 35 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,708 I agree. 36 00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:49,670 And it could go either way. 37 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:54,216 So glad. 38 00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:57,719 What I was about to say, "I'm so glad this is going well." 39 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,141 I know. It's weird. 40 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:06,854 We all wanted to be good, you know what I mean? 41 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:09,439 We're all in the same boat. I'm being filmed, you're being filmed, too. 42 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,192 Some of you were like, and there's... 43 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:19,408 There's a camera right next to you, you're like, "How do I laugh normal?" 44 00:03:23,996 --> 00:03:26,623 Oh, no! 45 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:33,046 Don't be nervous. It's gonna be fine. 46 00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:36,842 I dressed up. This is dressed up for me. 47 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:40,888 Some comedians wear suits for their specials, this is a suit for me. 48 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:45,225 A hard pant... I don't wanna be wearing these hard pants. 49 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:49,479 What the fuck am I doing in these hard non-giving pants? 50 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:53,692 All day before I changed for the show, I was head-to-toe lululemon. 51 00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:02,993 It's true. All day, I was rocking the dream, 52 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,871 I was wearing head-to-toe lululemon. 53 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:09,208 If you don't know what lululemon is, you're a good person. 54 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:18,634 lululemon is high-end yoga wear for assholes who don't do yoga. 55 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:20,427 And I am one of them. 56 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:24,348 I am one of those assholes. I like it. I love it. 57 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:29,645 My guy friends give me shit. They tease me for wearing Lulu. 58 00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:34,399 They're like, "There's a men section?" I'm like, "Yes. You gotta look for it." 59 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:41,073 It moves around. You can find it. 60 00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:46,495 I like it. They think women don't like a guy in a Lulu. I disagree. 61 00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:52,376 Women like a guy in a Lulu because if I go up to a woman wearing lululemon, 62 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,753 it does all the work for me. 63 00:04:54,837 --> 00:04:59,007 Before even say anything, it nonverbally transmits just, "Hey, 64 00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:01,969 relax." 65 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,641 "Nothing bad is about to happen to you." 66 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,562 No one has ever gone up to a cop like, 67 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:15,482 "He went that way! He's wearing lululemon!" 68 00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:20,654 "Go now! He's fast and nimble! 69 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:24,408 He can move and bend in ways your uniform does not allow!" 70 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,413 It never happened. 71 00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:36,044 Mike Pence looks like a clear gummy bear, is that... 72 00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,259 Is that anything? 73 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:50,225 He looks like a clear gummy bear that kind of got his shit together. 74 00:05:50,309 --> 00:05:54,104 You know what I mean? He bought a suit, like a human suit. 75 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:57,941 He learned how to tie a tie with his unformed gummy hands. 76 00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:03,614 He rehearsed in the mirror at home like, "Hello." 77 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:09,786 "Hello, Mr. President." 78 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,665 Look at him go! 79 00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:18,670 My fucking pina colada gummy bear got all the way to Oval Office. 80 00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:23,884 It's like he's a bad guy, but that's impressive for a candy. 81 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:28,472 "Please don't leave me in a hot car." 82 00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,771 Mike Pence said he doesn't wanna be left in the room alone 83 00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:39,983 with a woman that's not his wife, I don't think that's sexual. 84 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,778 I think he's too delicious. 85 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:53,163 If you laughed at that, you're gonna love this show. 86 00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:57,709 You picked the right night. You picked the right night. 87 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,465 My wife and I, this is exciting, we just had a baby, so we... 88 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,095 Thank you very much. 89 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:12,432 I'm so glad that you guys are baby positive. 90 00:07:12,516 --> 00:07:15,310 The baby's only about a month old. But when I started doing sets... 91 00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:19,648 I know, it's crazy, she just got here. Where was she? 92 00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:23,819 I was sleeping next to my wife and consciousness flipped on in her belly, 93 00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:26,530 just bink, it's here now. 94 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,657 And it's my responsibility. That's insane. 95 00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,242 But then you guys are positive. 96 00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:34,079 I've been talking about the baby on stage right when she was born, 97 00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:37,666 I was like, "We just had a baby." Somebody in the audience said, 98 00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:40,043 "Yeah. Your life's over." 99 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,464 "Bye-bye, life." 100 00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:48,552 "Bye-bye, life. Your life, that's over. 101 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:52,139 Your life is over." 102 00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:55,601 And I was like, "Yeah, I don't fucking care." 103 00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:59,855 I had a good run. I had 39 uninterrupted years of just like, 104 00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:03,650 "You guys eaten cheese?" Like, let's fucking... 105 00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:06,778 Mix this up. 106 00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:11,241 I can't be 40, "I'm really looking forward to the new Joker movie." 107 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:14,661 Let's get some new people in here. 108 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,875 It's not that bad. People all warn you that you don't sleep. 109 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:23,253 You sleep, you just sleep different. 110 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:28,008 You sleep in bursts. Sleep for, like, three hours and you're up for an hour, 111 00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:31,386 sleep for two hours and you're up for an hour. It's fine. 112 00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:36,642 Because the best part of sleep is falling asleep. 113 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,978 It's the only part you're there for. 114 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,651 It's the only part you're there for. The rest is just a coma. 115 00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,862 When you say you love sleep, you mean that moment where you're waiting like, 116 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,615 "Oh, here we go." Like that? 117 00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:57,621 That's what you mean when you cascade into the caramel waterfall 118 00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:01,041 and it's a surprise every time, like, "Oh, it's got me!" 119 00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:03,961 Where you're the spoonful of sugar 120 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,506 and you get swirled into the glass of ice tea that is slumber, you're like, 121 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:11,009 "I'm going away!" That is the best part of sleep. 122 00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:13,971 It's the only good part of sleep. 123 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:18,684 And because I have a baby now, I get to do this 22 times a night. 124 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,853 It's the best. 125 00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:25,983 I was getting up to pee anyway. 126 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:34,074 It's funny when you go to the hospital, you have the baby, they give you one. 127 00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:38,245 They give you your baby. 128 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:42,082 I knew it was my baby. My baby looks so much like me, it feels impolite. 129 00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:46,503 Like it's not supposed to be, it came out. It was embarrassing. 130 00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:50,174 I was like, "Oh, shit. It's me." Like, that's not... 131 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:53,802 It's like my genes are assholes. They're bully genes. 132 00:09:53,886 --> 00:09:57,848 They got in the mix and my genes were just like, "We don't want to jell!" 133 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:05,230 "This guy's nose. This guy's lips. This guy's labia." 134 00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,982 It's my baby. 135 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,777 It's embarrassing. 136 00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:16,491 You're supposed to go 50/50 with your wife, to puff puff pass the baby. 137 00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:20,495 And I bogarted the baby. 138 00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:27,878 They gave me the baby and I was like, "Face match ID, a hundred percent." 139 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:31,798 Before you leave the hospital, they say the same thing. The parents will know. 140 00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:35,511 They all give you the same advice every single nurse, there's like 20 nurses. 141 00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:39,765 They all told us, they go, "Hey, never shake a baby." 142 00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:45,854 Over and over. Another nurse, really. Really. 143 00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:50,692 "Hey, listen up. Don't shake a baby." 144 00:10:50,776 --> 00:10:55,322 There's posters that say, "Never ever shake a baby." 145 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,325 Val and I were like, "What the fuck? Who would shake a baby, 146 00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:02,371 we're in love with this little baby?" What they don't tell you 147 00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:05,582 is you're gonna wanna shake that baby. 148 00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:12,297 Oh, you're gonna wanna shake the shit out of that baby. 149 00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:17,511 You are gonna be tempted as fuck to shake like a goddamn Etch A Sketch, 150 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:22,349 or a hysterical woman in an office in the '60s, "Goddamn it, Diane!" 151 00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:25,394 But you want to shake the baby. 152 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,983 I wish I knew. It's not like it's out of nowhere. 153 00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,652 It's not like you're having a quiet night at home, the baby's in the crib 154 00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:37,030 and you're like, "Oh, I got an idea." 155 00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:47,040 It's not that. They tell you when the baby cries, rock the baby. 156 00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:51,837 They tell you, swing the baby. This is code 157 00:11:52,004 --> 00:11:55,132 for kind of shake your baby. 158 00:11:56,216 --> 00:12:00,262 The baby starts crying a little bit, you shake it a bit, and it works. 159 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,390 And it starts crying a lot, turned bright red, screaming in your face, 160 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:06,310 and you're like, "What?" 161 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,478 It stands to reason. 162 00:12:10,189 --> 00:12:12,316 You want to. 163 00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:18,363 The logic tracks but you can't, because you know... Sure some of you know. 164 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:22,784 You know what happens, what the disease is called if you shake a baby? 165 00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:29,041 Shaken... Yes. Shaken baby syndrome. 166 00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:33,295 It's the name of the disease. It might as well be called Dad Lost It. 167 00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:39,635 The disease includes what happened. It's like a shame disease. 168 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,429 It's like a scarlet letter name for disease. 169 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:45,807 It's made to dissuade you from doing it because you can't be casual. 170 00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,351 You can be casual about other diseases. 171 00:12:47,518 --> 00:12:51,563 "Yeah, I got to go home. My baby's got a little bit of jaundice. 172 00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:55,442 It's not a big deal. She's just working through some jaundice." 173 00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:59,029 You can't be like, you got to go home. 174 00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:06,745 "My baby has got 175 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:10,290 Shaken baby syndrome." 176 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,586 "Yeah, I don't know what happened." 177 00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:20,926 "It's going around, just going around. She caught it. It's in the air. 178 00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:26,473 It's in the air." Everyone knows some shit went down. There's no excuse. 179 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,269 You can't be like, "Yeah, we went off-roading, 180 00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:35,148 I told her to buckle up, she's a little Guy Fieri. She doesn't give a fuck." 181 00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:39,403 She got tossed and tussled. She's fucked up now, I know, yeah. 182 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,867 I put her on my cell phone, it was on vibrate, got a few calls. 183 00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,744 She's different now. 184 00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:51,456 I haven't... I've never shaken the baby. You don't shake the baby. 185 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:55,127 You want to. 186 00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:59,006 I wish someone told me. I'm like, "Am I a monster?" 187 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,133 "No, it's everybody." 188 00:14:02,426 --> 00:14:06,513 I love having a baby, Baby Lilo. I love her. She's amazing. 189 00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:10,559 And it's not that hard, getting a dog... I never had a dog my whole life. 190 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:15,522 Getting a dog, honestly, was more confusing than getting a baby. 191 00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:18,150 We got a baby. 192 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,736 Honestly, getting a dog was different because it's a fucking dog, 193 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:24,031 it's not even your species. It's just a wild animal. 194 00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:26,783 You're like, "You wanna be in here?" 195 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:31,747 Hey, you, you eating the pigeon bones, you wanna be in here? 196 00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:39,338 When your baby cries, it's a human. I have a human baby. 197 00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,006 When it cries, you have a guess. 198 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:44,885 You're like, "It's probably hungry. It's hot, it's cold, has gas." 199 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:47,262 These are the problems that I have. 200 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:52,100 So you're like, "I got it." I have no idea what my dog wants. 201 00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:55,938 My best guess, never-ending eye contact. 202 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:05,739 I'm trying to watch Great British Bake Off, he's down there like, "Hey, dad." 203 00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,498 Over here. 204 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:17,167 "What the fuck do you want?" I don't know what he wants. 205 00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:20,629 I was raised with cats and you can kind of tell. 206 00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:27,094 You can kind of tell I was raised with cats. 207 00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:32,266 It's the worst hackle you could give me is laughing at that. 208 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:37,688 You can tell I was raised with cats. The command I most often give my dog 209 00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,440 is, "Go live your life." 210 00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,151 I don't know what he wants. 211 00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:45,654 They're needy. I just didn't know how needy a dog is. 212 00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:49,324 I've been out of the house for two days. If my dog had a cell phone, 213 00:15:49,408 --> 00:15:52,953 I'd have 4,022 missed calls, 214 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:57,708 4,022 texts of the bone emoji and the walk emoji. 215 00:15:59,543 --> 00:16:01,128 He'd be FaceTiming me right now just like, 216 00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:07,009 "Look at these baby browns, dad. Look at these goddamn baby browns." 217 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,598 You look for your cat, you hide from your dog. 218 00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:14,641 Does that makes sense? 219 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:20,272 You don't know what your cat is. Like, people say cats are evil and they are. 220 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:23,108 But they're also all set. You know what I mean? They're fine. 221 00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:26,028 They're out learning to fucking meditate or some shit. 222 00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:29,364 They're rolling their own cigarettes. 223 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:33,744 When I left the house with my dog, I toss a tuna steak and do a barrel roll 224 00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:38,665 out the window, just so he wouldn't be like, "Is this forever?" 225 00:16:42,461 --> 00:16:46,048 But if you have a cat and you see your cat, you're excited. 226 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:49,134 It's like a B-list celebrity sighting. 227 00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:54,473 It's like seeing John Stamos napping in a sunbeam in your kitchen. 228 00:16:54,556 --> 00:17:00,103 Like, "Oh, my God. We have a cat?" Scoop it up. "I knew I wasn't crazy." 229 00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:06,443 You take pictures with the cat, selfies with cat, prove you have a cat. 230 00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:10,072 Put the cat down, he's like, "Don't tag me. Don't tag me." 231 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,535 I'm being real with you. I don't know how smart animals are. 232 00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,621 I know they have different levels. They have different levels of smartness. 233 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:20,165 Like my neighbor, he has two dogs. 234 00:17:20,249 --> 00:17:23,043 He was telling me that he has a big dog and he has a little dog. 235 00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:26,088 When he goes out of town, he has to tape newspaper 236 00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:31,093 to the reflective glass of his fireplace. Otherwise... listen to this, 237 00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:34,888 the little dog will see his reflection 238 00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:38,350 and think there's a second little dog 239 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:42,604 stuck in the place that he's only ever seen burst into flames. 240 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,068 So he's just like, "Hey. 241 00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:51,363 Hey, hey, hey. 242 00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,285 I ain't going nowhere, brother." 243 00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:02,916 Because he's a goddamn hero. 244 00:18:05,711 --> 00:18:10,257 But when my neighbor told me his little dog doesn't understand reflections, 245 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:14,720 all I heard was, the big dog does? 246 00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:21,852 I'm a human being, I don't understand reflections. 247 00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:25,689 You're telling me a slightly larger dog is like, 248 00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:30,235 "I get it." 249 00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:38,785 "That ain't me. I'm me. That looks like me. 250 00:18:38,869 --> 00:18:43,248 I know what I look like, but that's a trick of the eye. 251 00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:46,502 Life, it's a mystery." 252 00:18:46,585 --> 00:18:49,838 "It's a particle and a wave. 253 00:18:49,922 --> 00:18:52,799 It's both. Some of the particles go through the glass, 254 00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:57,137 that's why we can see what's illuminated inside the fireplace. 255 00:18:57,221 --> 00:19:01,808 But then a rather arbitrary amount bounce back and frame me in light. 256 00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:05,729 I love science." 257 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,566 "I love science. 258 00:19:10,651 --> 00:19:15,614 I love it. I love science and licking my own asshole." 259 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,791 I got married this year, big year, baby and marry. 260 00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,419 Thank you. 261 00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:35,133 Sweet Lady Val. I'm glad you guys are pro-baby. I'm glad you're pro-marriage. 262 00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:38,720 A lot of my friends in LA, anti-marriage, showbiz town, 263 00:19:38,804 --> 00:19:41,932 nobody gets married. I've noticed that the same group, though, 264 00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:45,644 that is anti-marriage, they're all pro-tattoo. 265 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:49,731 It's the same group. They'd come up to me and they're just like, 266 00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:52,734 "I don't know, man." 267 00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:56,822 "I don't know how you can make a commitment of that magnitude." 268 00:20:00,993 --> 00:20:04,746 I'm like, "You have the word 'sublime' on your neck." 269 00:20:06,957 --> 00:20:08,625 "Every job interview you go on, 270 00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:12,671 they'll be looking at that old English sublime and they're gonna be thinking, 271 00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:16,717 'Oh, caress me down." Like that... 272 00:20:22,306 --> 00:20:24,933 That's a commitment. 273 00:20:27,603 --> 00:20:32,482 My wife is amazing. She's smart. She's funny. She's my best friend. 274 00:20:32,566 --> 00:20:36,069 She's got big old titties. So, yeah. 275 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:46,079 She loves this joke. Don't worry. She loves this joke. 276 00:20:46,747 --> 00:20:52,377 You got big old titties and I wanna talk about it. 277 00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:56,507 I'm tired of not talking about it. 278 00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:59,635 My wife has big boobs. You know why? 279 00:20:59,718 --> 00:21:04,515 Because I don't give up on my goddamn childhood dreams. 280 00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:06,767 I'm not a quitter. 281 00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:12,981 Eight-year-old me fucking loves me. 282 00:21:13,065 --> 00:21:17,110 When I was 8, I wanted a girlfriend with big boobs and a racecar bed 283 00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:19,488 and I am halfway there. 284 00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:26,453 Big boobs are interesting. I feel for her because she can't really hide them. 285 00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:30,749 She can cover them up, but everybody knows. 286 00:21:30,832 --> 00:21:34,795 They're there. It's like throwing a tarp over a porch of a house. 287 00:21:38,215 --> 00:21:43,637 No one looks at it like, "Look at that house, it doesn't have a porch." 288 00:21:45,055 --> 00:21:46,765 You can still see the shape and the side, you're like, 289 00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:51,728 "That house has some big ass porches." You know. 290 00:21:51,812 --> 00:21:55,148 I feel bad, like, you can hide a big old dick. 291 00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:02,155 No one has to know. You can send it down one leg, 292 00:22:02,239 --> 00:22:05,158 you can curl it up like a Cinnabon. 293 00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:11,623 It's a reveal. On the big night, it's a reveal. You're like, "Yeah." 294 00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:15,919 "That's why I'm so confident." 295 00:22:22,718 --> 00:22:26,471 With big boobs, everyone can tell. Everyone can tell 296 00:22:26,555 --> 00:22:30,100 which can be awkward sometimes. Like she had to meet my parents. 297 00:22:30,184 --> 00:22:34,354 What do you do? You just have to own it. 298 00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:38,483 You're like, "Mom, dad, as you can see, 299 00:22:42,446 --> 00:22:45,866 this is what your son is into." 300 00:22:51,830 --> 00:22:53,999 Mom, you remember. 301 00:22:58,879 --> 00:23:01,173 It's weird whenever you meet somebody's significant other. 302 00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:04,760 It's a little too much info. You know what I'm talking about? 303 00:23:04,843 --> 00:23:07,679 Especially if you don't know them and they're just like, "This is Tina." 304 00:23:07,763 --> 00:23:11,058 Like, I don't wanna see that shit, 305 00:23:11,141 --> 00:23:16,063 the manifestation of the recesses of your sexual subconscious. 306 00:23:16,230 --> 00:23:20,734 You're just like, "Yeah. This is what makes me rock hard." 307 00:23:22,319 --> 00:23:27,908 "Fucking beat it, Dan. We're in a Chipotle. Keep that shit to yourself." 308 00:23:29,368 --> 00:23:34,164 I'm like, "What did Val's parents do to her that this is what she wants?" 309 00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,836 That she wants this ogre Lithuanian that's like, 310 00:23:39,002 --> 00:23:42,506 "What's going on, you guys?" 311 00:23:45,926 --> 00:23:50,389 We got engaged, some of you might know this story, in a hot air balloon 312 00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:53,141 because I'm not fucking around. 313 00:23:53,225 --> 00:23:56,061 She mentioned when we were dating always wanted to go in a balloon. 314 00:23:56,144 --> 00:23:59,898 I wrote it down, and four years later I was like, "It's time to get married. 315 00:23:59,982 --> 00:24:03,110 I wanna get married. Let's go hot air balloon." She knew. 316 00:24:03,944 --> 00:24:08,156 She knew what was up. It wasn't a surprise. She knew I was gonna propose. 317 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,869 You can't just roll up to a hot air balloon 318 00:24:13,245 --> 00:24:15,539 wearing your one sport coat. 319 00:24:16,999 --> 00:24:18,500 She's like, "We've been dating for four years. 320 00:24:18,667 --> 00:24:22,921 Would you like to hover in a basket for no reason?" 321 00:24:24,965 --> 00:24:29,011 "Would you like to be adrift airborne for no reason whatsoever?" 322 00:24:29,178 --> 00:24:32,556 She knew. She's not a dummy. 323 00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:37,269 In fact, if she had been surprised, I might have called it off. 324 00:24:39,479 --> 00:24:41,148 But I didn't think it through. 325 00:24:41,315 --> 00:24:46,612 The basket's fucking tiny, it's the size of four pizza boxes. 326 00:24:46,695 --> 00:24:50,699 So when I got in, it's already pretty much full. 327 00:24:50,782 --> 00:24:53,702 And then I was like, "This will be fine, Val. It'll be a romantic day." 328 00:24:53,785 --> 00:24:57,080 What I didn't consider is there's another... 329 00:24:57,748 --> 00:25:00,042 there's another fucking guy. 330 00:25:01,460 --> 00:25:05,005 Of course, there's another guy to fly the balloon, 331 00:25:05,088 --> 00:25:08,467 and he gets in, and he's right here. 332 00:25:08,550 --> 00:25:13,472 I can feel the tickle of the stranger's whiskers, just like... 333 00:25:13,555 --> 00:25:16,808 I can feel the heat of his breath, and he was like a man's man. 334 00:25:16,975 --> 00:25:19,394 He's like a Ben Affleck character. 335 00:25:19,478 --> 00:25:22,856 Wearing a Carhartt jacket with scuffs on and he's just watching me... 336 00:25:29,196 --> 00:25:33,283 He was kind of ruining the day. He kept calling everything gay. 337 00:25:33,367 --> 00:25:36,245 I know. Biggest day of my life, he's up there just like, 338 00:25:36,411 --> 00:25:41,083 "That's Janet Jackson's ranch down there. Fucking gay." 339 00:25:44,795 --> 00:25:49,800 "I used to work at that deli. They fired me. Huh, fucking gay." 340 00:25:52,511 --> 00:25:54,763 I was like, "Sir, 341 00:25:55,514 --> 00:25:58,642 you pilot a balloon." 342 00:26:02,437 --> 00:26:06,358 "You pilot a rainbow-colored balloon 343 00:26:06,441 --> 00:26:10,487 soaring majestic over the Wine Country of Santa Barbara, 344 00:26:10,571 --> 00:26:12,781 maybe cool it on the gaze." 345 00:26:15,158 --> 00:26:18,787 But it was enough. It was enough to shake me. He's right here. 346 00:26:18,871 --> 00:26:24,751 I was planning to be very flowery, like "Val, since I first saw you, I knew..." 347 00:26:24,835 --> 00:26:30,549 "You are like the sun, and the moon, and the sky," but I get this fucking... 348 00:26:38,098 --> 00:26:41,185 "You gonna do it?" 349 00:26:41,268 --> 00:26:44,479 So I got nervous. This is a hundred percent real, I took the ring out, 350 00:26:44,563 --> 00:26:48,150 Val acted surprised, nice girl. 351 00:26:48,233 --> 00:26:51,820 But I froze up, I just went, "Val." 352 00:26:58,869 --> 00:27:03,207 "I would be honored to call you my wife." 353 00:27:09,755 --> 00:27:12,466 That's all I said. 354 00:27:12,549 --> 00:27:16,053 I blew it. I didn't propose. You're supposed to propose. 355 00:27:16,136 --> 00:27:21,350 You're supposed to say, "Will you marry me?" I just went, "It would be great." 356 00:27:25,145 --> 00:27:29,316 "Let's get the law involved." 357 00:27:32,361 --> 00:27:33,862 I didn't give her anything to respond to. 358 00:27:33,946 --> 00:27:37,157 It's like we were playing tennis, but she didn't have a racket. 359 00:27:43,038 --> 00:27:47,501 But she's good. She said yes even though I didn't say anything. 360 00:27:47,584 --> 00:27:50,003 She went, "Yeah, put the ring on." 361 00:27:50,087 --> 00:27:52,923 I wonder what fucking Affleck's gonna say. 362 00:27:53,006 --> 00:27:55,384 I don't want him to judge me. I don't want him to be like, 363 00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:59,221 "Man marrying a woman? That's fucking gay." 364 00:28:04,643 --> 00:28:09,231 That's not what he said. This is 100% real. It's dead quiet in the balloon. 365 00:28:09,314 --> 00:28:12,693 I just proposed, she said... Yeah, I didn't propose, but she said, yes. 366 00:28:12,776 --> 00:28:17,030 What's the guy gonna say? He does two celebratory toots of the flame. 367 00:28:23,370 --> 00:28:28,542 This is a 100% real, he goes, "Lot of girls up here, they say no." 368 00:28:39,219 --> 00:28:41,221 As if that wasn't bad enough, then he adds, 369 00:28:41,305 --> 00:28:45,559 "One girl said yes in the basket, 370 00:28:45,642 --> 00:28:49,021 when we landed said no." 371 00:28:52,399 --> 00:28:54,776 "Clever girl." 372 00:28:56,486 --> 00:28:58,530 Clever girl? 373 00:28:58,697 --> 00:29:01,700 Don't Jurassic Park my engagement story. 374 00:29:06,955 --> 00:29:08,457 Did you know the movie "Three Amigos" 375 00:29:08,540 --> 00:29:13,754 was released in Spanish speaking-countries as Tres Friends? 376 00:29:21,595 --> 00:29:24,932 What else can I tell you? I'm older. I like traffic. 377 00:29:26,725 --> 00:29:28,644 I'm being real with you, I don't mind traffic. 378 00:29:28,727 --> 00:29:32,064 I'm not just doing material that fits my friendly face. 379 00:29:33,482 --> 00:29:38,070 You can imagine being in traffic and just looking at me and I'm like. 380 00:29:39,696 --> 00:29:42,616 But I mean it, I don't mind traffic, is this a traffic city? 381 00:29:43,408 --> 00:29:46,411 - Yes. - Who cares? 382 00:29:50,624 --> 00:29:53,043 What's the big deal? 383 00:29:53,126 --> 00:29:55,128 Just sit there. 384 00:29:55,212 --> 00:29:59,174 Nothing is being asked of you. Just fucking remain. 385 00:29:59,341 --> 00:30:01,468 Surrender. 386 00:30:03,929 --> 00:30:06,515 Surrender and remain. 387 00:30:06,598 --> 00:30:09,268 I know I'm in the minority. I always look to my left, 388 00:30:09,351 --> 00:30:14,231 there's always a guy in a white BMW that's like, "God fucking traffic." 389 00:30:14,398 --> 00:30:17,693 A vein in his neck like a white chocolate Snickers bar. 390 00:30:23,115 --> 00:30:25,367 Like, where are you going? 391 00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:29,162 Seriously, where are you headed, you stupid bitch? 392 00:30:29,246 --> 00:30:32,165 Where are you going? 393 00:30:32,249 --> 00:30:34,668 Seriously, what is so important? 394 00:30:34,835 --> 00:30:38,422 You're like, "I'll be happy when I'm at work." 395 00:30:44,845 --> 00:30:48,473 Be happy now. Enjoy everything. 396 00:30:49,349 --> 00:30:53,562 Really, that's why I don't use Waze. You guys know what Waze is? 397 00:30:53,645 --> 00:30:57,608 Waze is the app that uses crowdsource info to get you around traffic. 398 00:30:57,691 --> 00:31:01,320 I know a lot of you probably like Waze. Does anybody here hate Waze? 399 00:31:02,905 --> 00:31:05,073 Fuck Waze. 400 00:31:05,157 --> 00:31:09,119 I only need a few of you. Fuck Waze. Listen to me, 401 00:31:10,162 --> 00:31:12,456 it's not the way of the soul. 402 00:31:13,707 --> 00:31:16,919 It's all head, it's no heart. Do you know what I mean? 403 00:31:17,002 --> 00:31:23,425 It just sucks you in and you're like, "Traffic? Ha, we'll see about that." 404 00:31:23,509 --> 00:31:28,597 "Right, left, right, left, left, left, left, right, right, left, right, left." 405 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:30,474 "I'm a special boy." 406 00:31:33,477 --> 00:31:37,898 Just fucking give up, you stupid bitch, give up. 407 00:31:37,981 --> 00:31:43,529 I don't need to save five minutes careening through gated communities. 408 00:31:45,822 --> 00:31:48,951 We don't belong on those roads. 409 00:31:49,034 --> 00:31:54,289 Apple Orchard Lane? Get out of there. 410 00:31:54,456 --> 00:32:00,671 And even if you like it, I think we can agree there should be a medium setting. 411 00:32:02,256 --> 00:32:05,133 Why am I thinking of this? I'm not an app developer. 412 00:32:05,217 --> 00:32:07,261 There should be a medium, there's no medium. 413 00:32:07,344 --> 00:32:11,849 It's either off or Indiana Jones, that's all you got. 414 00:32:11,932 --> 00:32:16,728 It's either radio silence or it thinks you rush a kidney to the Obama family. 415 00:32:18,605 --> 00:32:20,566 But I say fuck it. 416 00:32:20,649 --> 00:32:24,152 I mean this. Give up. Surrender. 417 00:32:24,319 --> 00:32:26,905 Just get on the freeway with the rest of us. 418 00:32:26,989 --> 00:32:31,368 Long, slow, straight, good. 419 00:32:32,452 --> 00:32:37,124 Tune out, listen to music. Why are you so afraid of being alone? 420 00:32:37,207 --> 00:32:41,211 Just be with yourself. Call an old friend, keep a friendship alive, 421 00:32:41,295 --> 00:32:42,796 listen to a podcast. 422 00:32:42,963 --> 00:32:46,592 My friends all get there, I feel you pulling away... 423 00:32:48,468 --> 00:32:53,223 My friends all use Waze. They get to the office five minutes before me. 424 00:32:53,307 --> 00:32:56,810 You can tell they use Waze because they're white as a sheet. 425 00:32:56,894 --> 00:33:00,898 Their eyes are bugging out of their head for making those suicide lefts 426 00:33:00,981 --> 00:33:04,902 on to five oncoming lanes of traffic. They're just like... 427 00:33:07,613 --> 00:33:10,324 "This is a shortcut." 428 00:33:13,785 --> 00:33:16,830 You can be five minutes early, I'll be ten minutes late and tell everyone 429 00:33:16,914 --> 00:33:22,169 what I learned on this American life. That's a better way. It's a better way. 430 00:33:26,131 --> 00:33:29,051 What I'm saying is enjoy everything, this is all we have, 431 00:33:29,134 --> 00:33:32,012 or maybe it's not, I don't know. I won't make fun of your answers. 432 00:33:32,095 --> 00:33:34,848 Does anybody here... Clap if you believe in an afterlife. 433 00:33:37,434 --> 00:33:40,354 Clap if you don't believe in it but you're open to it. 434 00:33:40,521 --> 00:33:43,649 You don't think there's evidence, but you're open to it. 435 00:33:45,359 --> 00:33:48,070 Anybody, reincarnation? Reincarnation? 436 00:33:49,404 --> 00:33:53,784 And who thinks it's just dead over, you just unplug the TV, boom? 437 00:33:55,577 --> 00:33:59,039 I think you're all right. 438 00:33:59,122 --> 00:34:01,875 I think those are all correct answers. 439 00:34:01,959 --> 00:34:04,753 What I think is funny about it, though, is all my friends think it's dead over. 440 00:34:04,837 --> 00:34:06,922 They just think you unplug the TV and it's lights out. 441 00:34:07,005 --> 00:34:10,676 They all say the same thing to me, they're like, "Pete, think about it." 442 00:34:10,759 --> 00:34:14,638 "Afterlife makes no sense. 443 00:34:14,721 --> 00:34:18,350 Makes no sense, an afterlife." 444 00:34:18,433 --> 00:34:20,102 "You think an afterlife makes sense? 445 00:34:20,185 --> 00:34:24,565 You got to think about that again because an afterlife..." 446 00:34:26,775 --> 00:34:29,695 "Afterlife makes no sense." 447 00:34:30,237 --> 00:34:32,781 And I was like, "Yeah, I agree with you. 448 00:34:32,865 --> 00:34:36,994 You know what else makes no sense? Fucking this." 449 00:34:39,162 --> 00:34:42,332 "Life makes no fucking sense." 450 00:34:42,416 --> 00:34:44,710 So I would argue that life sets a precedent 451 00:34:44,877 --> 00:34:50,257 for potentially more shit that makes no sense." Does that make sense? 452 00:34:50,340 --> 00:34:53,844 But my friends... Why not? 453 00:34:55,804 --> 00:34:59,141 But my friends are all, like, "No, man, there's this bullshit 454 00:34:59,224 --> 00:35:04,313 that we all woke up in that's confusing that none of us asked for." 455 00:35:05,772 --> 00:35:09,151 "And then no more bullshits." 456 00:35:09,234 --> 00:35:12,905 "It's a one-time bullshit deal." 457 00:35:12,988 --> 00:35:17,034 What? Nothing makes fucking sense. Life makes no sense. 458 00:35:17,117 --> 00:35:22,289 You're on a planet right now. You think you're in America? Zoom out. 459 00:35:24,249 --> 00:35:28,629 You're on a space rock floating in nothingness, infinite nothingness. 460 00:35:28,795 --> 00:35:31,423 And the infinite nothingness is expanding. 461 00:35:31,507 --> 00:35:34,384 That means endlessness is getting bigger. 462 00:35:34,468 --> 00:35:37,179 That makes no fucking sense. 463 00:35:38,931 --> 00:35:42,476 We all just act like it's normal, like, "Everything's made of molecules." 464 00:35:42,643 --> 00:35:44,436 "Okay." 465 00:35:45,354 --> 00:35:49,733 "Got it. I'll never think about that again." 466 00:35:49,816 --> 00:35:54,071 I'm made of molecules, you're made of molecules. The air between us, too. 467 00:35:54,154 --> 00:35:58,492 That makes no fucking sense. These molecules know they're molecules? 468 00:35:58,575 --> 00:36:03,580 These molecules are like, "I'm Pete." That doesn't make any sense. 469 00:36:03,664 --> 00:36:07,876 This stool is made of molecules, the same molecules in my hand. 470 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:12,214 Some of the molecules in this stool went into me while I've been talking. 471 00:36:12,381 --> 00:36:14,883 And some that were me have gone into this stool. 472 00:36:14,967 --> 00:36:19,263 And when I knock these molecules into these molecules, when we ask Science, 473 00:36:19,346 --> 00:36:22,891 "Why don't they go through each other?" You know what the answer is? 474 00:36:22,975 --> 00:36:25,686 We don't know. 475 00:36:29,565 --> 00:36:33,819 That doesn't make any fucking sense. 476 00:36:35,112 --> 00:36:39,324 I'm open to anything. If I died... Listen to me, 477 00:36:39,408 --> 00:36:45,038 if I died and it was just kitty cat Thanksgiving, I'd be like, "Yeah. OK." 478 00:36:45,122 --> 00:36:49,418 "Makes about as much sense as the fucking conundrum I was just stuck in." 479 00:36:49,501 --> 00:36:52,045 "Pass the gravy." 480 00:37:00,596 --> 00:37:03,098 I'm not saying it's for sure. I'm just saying it's worth debating. 481 00:37:03,182 --> 00:37:06,310 It makes me wonder like, I wonder as a thought experiment 482 00:37:06,393 --> 00:37:09,980 if we were somewhere before we were here, if we were just mist, 483 00:37:10,063 --> 00:37:13,525 each of you didn't have a body, we're just mist. You were just awareness. 484 00:37:13,609 --> 00:37:17,029 If we were all just hanging out in some sort of primordial area, 485 00:37:17,112 --> 00:37:20,073 just debating the existence of life. 486 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:22,492 He's like, "You believe in life?" 487 00:37:23,702 --> 00:37:25,787 "Get real!" 488 00:37:27,039 --> 00:37:31,168 "You think there's hotdogs and roller skates?" "You're a child." 489 00:37:32,628 --> 00:37:35,214 "Didn't you go to college?" 490 00:37:37,591 --> 00:37:42,095 Don't get me wrong, nothing is absolutely one of the choices. 491 00:37:42,179 --> 00:37:48,185 I see that for sure. And I'm not afraid of nothing. I'm not afraid of nothing. 492 00:37:48,268 --> 00:37:50,521 Who fucking cares? It's nothing. If you're nothing, but you're like, 493 00:37:50,604 --> 00:37:53,649 "I don't wanna be nothing," you won't be there. 494 00:37:53,732 --> 00:37:57,819 Just jump off the high dive into soft, dark soil and you're like, "Bye, Pete." 495 00:37:57,903 --> 00:38:00,572 Like, "Fine." 496 00:38:01,865 --> 00:38:04,826 "I just don't wanna go to hell." 497 00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:12,167 There's no hell. 498 00:38:19,091 --> 00:38:22,469 Be reasonable. There's no fucking hell. 499 00:38:28,475 --> 00:38:31,520 Don't wanna be wrong about that one. 500 00:38:33,063 --> 00:38:37,025 If there is a hell, I don't think the worst part will be the torture. 501 00:38:37,192 --> 00:38:42,239 The worst part would be that we don't get breaks to talk about the torture. 502 00:38:45,450 --> 00:38:47,619 I think that's what would make it hell. 503 00:38:47,703 --> 00:38:50,247 Like if they would blow a whistle every 20 minutes. 504 00:38:50,330 --> 00:38:54,501 And we all just gather in a common area, drink boiling water. 505 00:38:56,086 --> 00:38:57,796 Just like, "What are they doing to you?" 506 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,633 I'll say, "Oh, yeah. I'm in a room with millions of little crabs. 507 00:39:05,888 --> 00:39:08,348 It's like tiny little crabs and they're eating me real slow." 508 00:39:08,515 --> 00:39:13,187 "Oh, yeah. With their little nibbles?" "Yeah. Yeah. The little nibbles." 509 00:39:15,105 --> 00:39:19,484 "What are they doing to you?" "Oh, I'm getting fucked by a donkey." 510 00:39:22,029 --> 00:39:25,866 Yeah. They're running out of ideas down here. 511 00:39:25,949 --> 00:39:28,535 It's been a while. We're falling in love. 512 00:39:33,165 --> 00:39:37,544 I think... I think that might be my heaven. 513 00:39:37,711 --> 00:39:42,674 Like suffering then talking about it, suffering then talking about it. 514 00:39:42,758 --> 00:39:46,345 Like what we're doing here. You know what I'm saying? 515 00:39:54,311 --> 00:39:58,982 What if the last words of the Bible where you had to be there? What if. 516 00:40:04,196 --> 00:40:08,534 Yeah, to the end, it really would've made more sense if you saw this. 517 00:40:10,619 --> 00:40:13,705 One of my career goals is to open a Christian buffet called, 518 00:40:13,789 --> 00:40:16,917 "God helps those that help themselves." 519 00:40:21,046 --> 00:40:23,215 Oh, let's do that. This is something I wanna do. 520 00:40:23,298 --> 00:40:26,593 On the count of three, don't say anything. 521 00:40:26,677 --> 00:40:29,096 Don't say anything. But just check if you have to pee. 522 00:40:29,179 --> 00:40:31,098 All of us are gonna do it. 523 00:40:31,265 --> 00:40:34,393 At the same time, we're all gonna check. Don't say anything. 524 00:40:34,476 --> 00:40:37,145 Three, two, one. Check if you have to pee. 525 00:40:51,451 --> 00:40:53,745 What was that? 526 00:40:57,958 --> 00:41:01,420 I'm serious. What did you just do? 527 00:41:01,587 --> 00:41:03,630 Let's just do it again, especially if you didn't do it the first time. 528 00:41:03,714 --> 00:41:07,176 Three, two, one. Check if you have to pee. What. 529 00:41:10,429 --> 00:41:16,310 What action did you just command? You're like, "Okay, go down." 530 00:41:16,393 --> 00:41:19,021 "Send something down." 531 00:41:20,189 --> 00:41:22,733 Like most of the time you're up here. 532 00:41:22,816 --> 00:41:27,571 Who you are is behind your eyes and you just sort of puppeteer your body. 533 00:41:27,654 --> 00:41:30,908 You just kind of dangling down there like a marionette. You're like, 534 00:41:30,991 --> 00:41:34,119 "Get that diet coke. Send the arm." 535 00:41:36,955 --> 00:41:39,833 "Give it to us." 536 00:41:42,836 --> 00:41:47,382 But every time you check if you have to pee, you send a little piece of you 537 00:41:47,466 --> 00:41:50,802 rappelling down on a reconnaissance mission 538 00:41:50,886 --> 00:41:55,265 to your dick or your pussy and you're just like... 539 00:41:59,686 --> 00:42:02,564 Thirty percent, I'd say like, twenty more minutes. 540 00:42:03,982 --> 00:42:07,569 I'm so tired of not talking about this. 541 00:42:07,653 --> 00:42:10,155 Your brain is weird. 542 00:42:10,239 --> 00:42:13,784 Your brain has eyes like you have eyes. 543 00:42:13,867 --> 00:42:17,871 But your brain also has eyes that see things that only you can see. 544 00:42:17,955 --> 00:42:22,751 Like picture an orange, keep your eyes open but picture an orange, the fuck. 545 00:42:25,379 --> 00:42:29,007 Like really do it. Keep 'em open but think really hard about an orange. 546 00:42:29,091 --> 00:42:32,469 What the shit. Just for a second. 547 00:42:32,553 --> 00:42:36,557 Just a giant orange. I don't know how big yours was. Mine was giant. 548 00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:40,519 She's a giant translucent orange that only you can see. 549 00:42:40,686 --> 00:42:43,313 God, I hope you're stoned. 550 00:42:44,064 --> 00:42:45,816 God, I hope you're stoned. 551 00:42:45,899 --> 00:42:48,986 But why do you have to be stoned for this to be interesting? 552 00:42:49,152 --> 00:42:51,655 Like your brain has ears. 553 00:42:51,738 --> 00:42:54,241 Seriously, it has ears. You have ears. Your brain also has ears. 554 00:42:54,408 --> 00:42:56,952 Sing a happy birthday in your head. We'll all do it. 555 00:42:57,035 --> 00:43:00,747 Everybody sing happy birthday in your head right now. 556 00:43:19,766 --> 00:43:22,352 How are you hearing that? 557 00:43:22,436 --> 00:43:25,814 I'm serious. What the fuck is going on? It's so normal. We're just like, 558 00:43:25,981 --> 00:43:29,151 "Yeah. I could hear it. No one else could hear it. I can hear it." 559 00:43:29,234 --> 00:43:33,906 This is a part of you listening like, "Yeah. Happy birthday." 560 00:43:35,824 --> 00:43:38,869 What's going on? Make it louder. Let's sing it again 561 00:43:38,952 --> 00:43:43,081 but make it as loud as you possibly can. Ready? Go. 562 00:43:57,262 --> 00:44:00,516 Was it louder? Clap if you think it was louder. 563 00:44:03,685 --> 00:44:10,192 Clap if it wasn't louder, the voice was just going... "Happy birth..." 564 00:44:14,905 --> 00:44:17,950 Okay. So you can't make it louder? 565 00:44:18,033 --> 00:44:21,453 There's just a set volume for your thoughts? 566 00:44:21,537 --> 00:44:25,541 How do you know your set volume is the same as my set volume? 567 00:44:25,624 --> 00:44:29,503 Maybe to some people, it's louder. Maybe that's what crazy people are. 568 00:44:29,586 --> 00:44:33,340 They're not crazy but they just have a fucked up volume. 569 00:44:33,423 --> 00:44:38,345 They're walking around and then just like, "Buy a hammer." "All right!" 570 00:44:45,394 --> 00:44:48,146 "Kill that pigeon. It's your dad." "Okay." 571 00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,819 "With the hammer?" "Yes." 572 00:45:00,325 --> 00:45:03,245 I was having a lunch with a friend of mine. He's black. 573 00:45:03,412 --> 00:45:08,083 I'll tell you his black for a reason. He kept saying the N word. 574 00:45:09,168 --> 00:45:11,712 He said it like, 30 times. He didn't say the word. 575 00:45:11,795 --> 00:45:15,632 He kept saying "The N word." 576 00:45:15,716 --> 00:45:17,801 I was like, "Yeah. Hey, 577 00:45:18,594 --> 00:45:20,345 that's our phrase." 578 00:45:27,102 --> 00:45:31,315 Some of you are sitting that one out. I can see that. 579 00:45:32,107 --> 00:45:34,067 There's a pheromone white people release 580 00:45:34,151 --> 00:45:36,528 when they're not sure if they can laugh at a joke. They're like, 581 00:45:36,612 --> 00:45:42,534 "I heard the words necessary to make a racist joke, gonna take a pause." 582 00:45:42,618 --> 00:45:46,371 "We'll laugh in the Audi, it'll be fine. It'll be fine." 583 00:45:49,208 --> 00:45:53,003 I think it's interesting though, it's 2018, there's still some racists. 584 00:45:53,086 --> 00:45:56,215 It's totally fine to be racist towards. I didn't mean like, hate speech. 585 00:45:56,298 --> 00:46:01,512 I mean casual, socially acceptable racism. Like towards Italians. 586 00:46:01,595 --> 00:46:03,680 Why is that okay? You all know what I'm talking about. 587 00:46:03,764 --> 00:46:06,600 I can be with my Italian friends, it's totally fine for me to be like, 588 00:46:06,683 --> 00:46:12,022 "You wanna go to a pizza pie?" 589 00:46:16,985 --> 00:46:19,863 What the fuck? Why is that okay? 590 00:46:19,947 --> 00:46:22,199 "Oh, linguini with clams." 591 00:46:22,282 --> 00:46:27,079 I know a lot of you are Italian, I'm not Italian. 592 00:46:27,162 --> 00:46:29,748 No one's gonna tweet about this. 593 00:46:29,831 --> 00:46:33,752 This is not a controversy, it's fine. It's in our video games. 594 00:46:33,836 --> 00:46:37,381 "It's a me, Mario." 595 00:46:40,384 --> 00:46:41,927 It's a me? 596 00:46:43,387 --> 00:46:48,559 It's a me, just an impression of an immigrant struggling with the language. 597 00:46:52,187 --> 00:46:56,400 "I'mma Luigi, I'mma gonna win ah." 598 00:46:56,567 --> 00:46:59,152 Don't tease him, he's new here. 599 00:47:00,612 --> 00:47:03,866 Help him find the bus, help him find work. 600 00:47:04,032 --> 00:47:06,535 Why is that okay? It's, like, a weird blind spot. 601 00:47:06,618 --> 00:47:08,579 You can't say horrow. 602 00:47:10,831 --> 00:47:15,085 I agree, why is it fine to be, like, "Ah, Giuseppi." Like, it's crazy. 603 00:47:15,169 --> 00:47:18,964 They'll make a madman type show about this time that we're in now. 604 00:47:19,047 --> 00:47:24,219 We're all gonna watch and be, like, "Things we're different." It's now. 605 00:47:24,303 --> 00:47:28,557 Things are different now. We're living through a weird fucking time right now. 606 00:47:31,768 --> 00:47:34,479 Enjoy it three more years. 607 00:47:37,691 --> 00:47:39,902 We are living in the future... 608 00:47:39,985 --> 00:47:43,155 Now we are, now. Now. 609 00:47:43,238 --> 00:47:46,450 Now it is future. Now. Now is the future. 610 00:47:47,701 --> 00:47:49,369 Now. 611 00:47:50,454 --> 00:47:52,539 You know what I think it's fucking crazy about living now? 612 00:47:52,623 --> 00:47:55,751 Elon Musk, you know, the crazy billionaire dude? 613 00:47:55,834 --> 00:47:59,296 Invented the self-driving car? 614 00:47:59,379 --> 00:48:02,925 It's crazy. This isn't something they're working on, they made it. 615 00:48:03,008 --> 00:48:07,387 They have a self-driving car now. What I think is funny about that? 616 00:48:07,471 --> 00:48:10,891 It doesn't matter how fancy an invention Elon Musk makes, 617 00:48:10,974 --> 00:48:13,810 he's still just one of these. 618 00:48:13,894 --> 00:48:18,524 Does that make sense? He's stuck in one of these meat puppets? 619 00:48:18,607 --> 00:48:22,027 Just like you and me, just like a baboon. He's just a guy, 620 00:48:22,110 --> 00:48:26,698 just going around. There's some things you can't upgrade, is my point. 621 00:48:26,782 --> 00:48:29,993 He's working on impossible math to make a self-driving car 622 00:48:30,077 --> 00:48:32,663 but when he gets hungry there's no technology. 623 00:48:32,829 --> 00:48:37,292 He just goes, "There's a rumble in my jumble." Like, he just feels... 624 00:48:38,585 --> 00:48:41,880 Just like you and me, he just goes, "No, I've got to eat." 625 00:48:41,964 --> 00:48:45,342 Then he gets a plate. That's the height of technology. 626 00:48:45,425 --> 00:48:48,554 A plate, just a level surface for his food, 627 00:48:48,637 --> 00:48:51,682 with a piece of salmon on it and he wants that salmon in him 628 00:48:51,849 --> 00:48:55,978 but it's too big. So he gets a fork and a knife, 629 00:48:56,061 --> 00:48:57,938 that's the height of the technology, 630 00:48:58,105 --> 00:49:03,151 he cuts it into a mouth-size piece, and he goes "That's about right." 631 00:49:03,235 --> 00:49:05,362 It's too hot so he goes... 632 00:49:06,989 --> 00:49:11,785 He can't upgrade this, he just had to go, "Now wind activate." 633 00:49:13,203 --> 00:49:15,789 And he puts it in his mouth and gnaws it... 634 00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:22,462 He swallows it like a fucking pelican because that's the best he can do. 635 00:49:25,340 --> 00:49:26,967 You understand? He can't upgrade this. 636 00:49:27,134 --> 00:49:29,845 When has to shit, he doesn't have a contact lens that goes, like, 637 00:49:29,928 --> 00:49:33,640 "Elon, shit detected." 638 00:49:33,724 --> 00:49:38,437 He just feels it, like you and me, he just goes, that's not gas. 639 00:49:40,272 --> 00:49:42,441 I feel shame. 640 00:49:43,483 --> 00:49:46,195 I feel shame and I wanna be alone. 641 00:49:47,738 --> 00:49:50,365 So he makes an excuse with his egghead friends, he's, like, 642 00:49:50,449 --> 00:49:53,827 "I have to make a phone call." But no, he doesn't. 643 00:49:53,911 --> 00:49:58,248 He has to go in a little room and squat on a bowl that's filled with water. 644 00:49:58,332 --> 00:50:02,044 That's the best we can do. That is the height of the technology. 645 00:50:02,127 --> 00:50:06,507 It's a bowl filled with water and he squats like an ostrich in the Serengeti 646 00:50:06,590 --> 00:50:08,509 and he bears down, he goes, 647 00:50:08,675 --> 00:50:12,971 "Elon push. Don't you back away from me right now." 648 00:50:13,055 --> 00:50:16,683 This is what he fucking does. He pushes and he hears a plop, plop, plop, 649 00:50:16,767 --> 00:50:19,895 and that's how he knows progress is being made. 650 00:50:21,271 --> 00:50:25,734 And then when he thinks he's done and he's not always right... 651 00:50:27,277 --> 00:50:31,281 When he thinks he's done, he gets paper, that's the best we have, 652 00:50:31,365 --> 00:50:34,576 paper from Ancient Egypt. 653 00:50:35,410 --> 00:50:39,790 And he wipes his shitty ass and then he looks at it. 654 00:50:42,125 --> 00:50:44,461 So you fucking pull away from me. 655 00:50:44,545 --> 00:50:50,008 Everyone here knows there's no better method than the wipe and the look. 656 00:50:50,092 --> 00:50:53,470 The old wipe and look. He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, 657 00:50:53,637 --> 00:50:57,224 and then he goes, "Whoa, I got some work ahead of me." 658 00:50:58,559 --> 00:51:02,312 He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, getting there. 659 00:51:02,479 --> 00:51:06,650 Wipe, wipe, wipe, clean but I don't trust it. 660 00:51:06,817 --> 00:51:10,988 Wipe, wipe, wipe, "Whoa, good thing I didn't stop while I was ahead." 661 00:51:13,699 --> 00:51:17,119 And then he gets to what he considers an Elon level of clean. 662 00:51:17,286 --> 00:51:23,125 He washes his hands, gets in his car and goes, po-poop! "Home." 663 00:51:28,255 --> 00:51:29,548 Crazy. 664 00:51:34,970 --> 00:51:37,431 All porn happened in the past. 665 00:51:41,727 --> 00:51:45,564 Like, I know there's cams and stuff but for the most part it was earlier. 666 00:51:45,647 --> 00:51:47,107 Like, we're ahead of them. 667 00:51:47,274 --> 00:51:50,194 Like, we're now, and they're then. They're, like, back then. 668 00:51:50,277 --> 00:51:54,156 We know shit they don't know. They're back then, like... 669 00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:57,993 "Oh, what if Hillary is gonna win?" Like, they don't know. 670 00:51:59,453 --> 00:52:03,332 "When's the McRib coming back?" They're in the dark. 671 00:52:03,415 --> 00:52:08,212 We're the dumdums that are home, just going, it's now in my mind. 672 00:52:10,506 --> 00:52:14,593 But I'm off porn. I go off and on, it's hard, it's addictive 673 00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:18,096 but I knew I had to go off because the last time I was watching... using it, 674 00:52:18,180 --> 00:52:20,474 I don't know what you say. 675 00:52:20,557 --> 00:52:22,935 Was watching it, I was mastur... I was masturbating, 676 00:52:23,018 --> 00:52:26,146 It'd be weird if I was just like "Aha." 677 00:52:32,611 --> 00:52:36,156 I was masturbating and went... I'm sorry. 678 00:52:37,241 --> 00:52:41,078 And when I was finishing... I didn't give the order to say anything 679 00:52:41,161 --> 00:52:45,415 but I involuntarily... while I was coming, I went, "Oh, not worth it." 680 00:52:52,631 --> 00:52:56,802 Because it wasn't. It wasn't worth it. 681 00:52:56,885 --> 00:53:00,597 That dirty feeling I had to carry around with me the rest of the day? 682 00:53:00,681 --> 00:53:03,767 I had to go to the post office. There's kids and old women there, 683 00:53:03,851 --> 00:53:07,938 I have to be like, "I'm not a monster", like I had to. 684 00:53:11,316 --> 00:53:14,194 I have to be off porn though because it's the acting. 685 00:53:14,361 --> 00:53:16,572 One of the things that really ruins it for me is the acting. 686 00:53:16,655 --> 00:53:19,116 I don't even mean the acting before the sex, where they're, like, 687 00:53:19,199 --> 00:53:22,536 "I have a pizza for Misty." Like, not that. 688 00:53:24,454 --> 00:53:27,833 I'm talking about the acting during the sex. For the most part it's normal 689 00:53:27,916 --> 00:53:32,212 but every once in a while you come across someone that's overdoing it. 690 00:53:32,296 --> 00:53:37,426 The last one I saw, this is an accurate impression. I'll send you the link. 691 00:53:42,014 --> 00:53:45,809 So woman was going nuts. So regular sexing, just normal stuff, 692 00:53:45,893 --> 00:53:48,061 and she was going... 693 00:53:53,108 --> 00:53:54,776 She's going... 694 00:54:01,909 --> 00:54:04,036 "Fuck that pussy." 695 00:54:06,830 --> 00:54:10,834 I'm not even exaggerating. "Fuck that pussy." 696 00:54:11,001 --> 00:54:14,171 Like, in the scene before, she was normal, she's, like, "Hello." 697 00:54:14,254 --> 00:54:16,131 And then when the sex... 698 00:54:18,217 --> 00:54:22,721 Like, what are you doing? Have you had sex before? 699 00:54:23,722 --> 00:54:28,685 This isn't an exorcism. People are trying to masturbate. 700 00:54:34,274 --> 00:54:39,696 There's no script, we let you improvise and this is what you come in with? 701 00:54:39,780 --> 00:54:41,615 Did she rehearse that? 702 00:54:41,698 --> 00:54:46,370 In her trailer in front of the mirror before just, like, "I'll be right out." 703 00:55:06,139 --> 00:55:08,433 Seems racist. 704 00:55:21,154 --> 00:55:25,868 "Fuck that pussy." Nope, nope, not quite right. 705 00:55:25,951 --> 00:55:29,496 "Fuck that pussy." 706 00:55:29,997 --> 00:55:32,332 I'm ready! 707 00:55:32,958 --> 00:55:35,169 Portland. 708 00:55:35,335 --> 00:55:39,673 Thank you so, so, so, much. 709 00:55:40,424 --> 00:55:43,343 Best crowd I've had in a long time. 710 00:55:43,427 --> 00:55:46,180 I mean that. Thank you. Thank you. 711 00:55:48,473 --> 00:55:50,684 Thank you guys. Keep it crispy. 712 00:55:52,186 --> 00:55:53,395 Be good. Good night.