Original subtitles

Alex: What the hell?

Who put this here?

Oh, yeah. I realized I'm not a big spin-class person.

Can you take that out to the curb for me?

Uh, no. What if I was super busy?

I could be going to give an important lecture, Bridgette --

or, more likely, a hot date.

I don't think that's true.

Hey, there, you absolute king!

What?

Need a little confidence boost?

Okay, now this is interesting.

You're gorgeous! You're potent!

Now smash those pedals, and get ready to kill that hill!

I...can...do...anything!

Crushed it.

Trainer: Find your power, and pump!

Pump!

You're not finished until I say you are!

What kind of freak rides a bike in a jacket?

Oh, God, yes!

Yes, Ranessa!

Um, should I be listening to this?

Probably best to play it safe.

And that's time, gods and goddesses.

And congrats to Alex Dorpenberger

for topping the leaderboard again today.

Got my eye on you, Alex.

Morning, kings and queens.

Hope you're living your power today.

Hey, man. Want some pancakes?

Oh, no thanks. I don't consume poison, Josh.

Do you think you're maybe going a little overboard

with this whole HotBike thing?

I mean, what's next, a HotBike tattoo?

Why would I get another HotBike tattoo?

Okay, can we not do the thing

where I get really into something,

and then you all get worried I'm "going crazy," or whatever?

I'm not doing all this because I'm obsessed with HotBike.

I'm doing it because I'm in love with my instructor.

Sure. Okay.

Is that better?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got my first private sesh with Ranessa,

and I need to shave my arm hair.

Ranessa: That's right, Alex!

Do it! Do it!

I'm doing it!

Keep going! I'm so close!

Me, too! I -- Wait, what are we talking about?

And done.

Let it coast, you freakin' rock star.

Wow.

That was incredible.

You're incredible.

Top of every class for the past two weeks,

glistening aerodynamic forearms.

Oh, these old things?

Guess I'm just naturally hairless.

Alex, I think have what it takes to become an instructor.

Oh, wow!

Does that mean I get to meet you --

um, which'll be, like, cool I guess.

Well, you can stop by HotBike HQ,

and we can see how it goes.

Wink.

Yes, Alex, you absolute stud!

Alex, you only turned off the camera.

Uh...

Computerized Voice: Welcome to HotBike.

We do not validate parking.

Alex?

What the...?

Guys, I think you're gonna want to see this.

Oh. Hey, guys.

You're on TV! So sweet.

No, Josh. He looks horrible.

No way. I'm living that HotBike life.

That's it. We're coming to get you.

No. I'm fine.

I've almost earned a meeting with Ranessa.

Plus, you'd never get past the guards.

Um, Why does HotBike have guards?

Sorry -- can't talk -- gotta...teach.

Okay, I'm starting to think

something at HotBike is a little off.

Woman: Watch your backs, now.

I'll be right here, with my eyes on the perimeter.

Okay, you're a bike company. Relax.

Computerized Voice: Keep pedaling, gods and goddesses.

Pain is progress.

Progress is pain.

You are crushing it.

Oh, man.

He looks like he skipped everything but leg day.

Huh?

What the hell are you guys doing here?

We're here to rescue you from this cult.

HotBike is not a cult. It's a way of life.

You're literally just reading that sign.

No, I'm not. I think my own thoughts, Josh.

Look, I love it here.

I'm a friggin 10 now,

and I'm only one level away from meeting

the woman of my -- - Grab him!

Pop the clips! Pop the clips!

Computerized Voice:

Intruder.

Intruder.

Queen Ranessa is most pleased with your bravery, Alex.

She will see you now.

You mean...

I finally get to meet her?

Oh!

Oh, no, I haven't brushed my teeth in over a month.

Hello, Alex.

We meet at last.

Ranessa!

You don't know how long I've waited for this --

oh, whoa, what the...?

I'm so excited to finally share my true form with you, Alex.

You friggin crushed capturing your friends.

Total king shit.

You know, I'll admit the whole tentacle reveal

was kinda shocking,

but, in anime terms, this is pretty hot.

Alex's human friends.

Maximum props today, guys.

Seriously, top tier effort.

But Alex is gonna be staying with us

until our starship returns home.

Okay, tentacles and a starship?

Pick a lane.

Centuries ago, my species crash-landed on the barren,

lifeless planes you call "Pacoima."

And without fuel to propel our ship,

we were totally stranded.

Life was decidedly not awesomesauce.

Until we discovered humanity.

One thing was obvious --

if we wanted off this rock, we needed to harness

the untapped power of the human glute.

Our first attempts to woo humankind were fruitless.

But that was easily remedied.

Cut to the invention of the Internet,

some other stuff, yada yada yada, you got it.

Hold on, you glossed over a bunch of stuff right there.

The details are not important.

Well, then, why do you need Alex?

Oh, well, Alex is one of our top meat engine--

I mean bike hunks.

I've selected Alex to be my -- what do you humans call it --

oh, yeah, "sex friend."

Holy shit! Oh, hell yeah, baby!

We are go...

You know, that is to say, I'm deeply honored.

Alex! She's a friggin octopus!

Wow. Intolerant much?

Guards, turn these twig legs into protein gel.

Whoa, whoa. Ranessa, they're my best friends.

Maybe, instead of killing them, we can just call them an Uber?

Not unless they've got Ubers in space.

Eyes on the perimeter.

Ok, now I really think something is off about HotBike.

Alex, come on! Let's get out of here!

What? Why?

So I can go back to living the rest of my life

single and miserable?

Ranessa may be a tentacle monster, Josh,

but she's my tentacle monster.

Come on, Alex.

There are plenty of amazing human women

who would be lucky to have you.

You really mean that?

I -- I really do.

Alex, don't forget about the fact

that you and I are totally going to mate.

Do go on.

My egg has been gestating for centuries.

I cannot wait to shove it up into your spinal column.

Then, I'll watch as my hatchlings

devour you from the inside out --

you know, classic sex.

See, usually, sex for humans

doesn't involve one of the parties dying.

Oh, really? Weird.

Well, in that case, I'm sure I can find a way

to keep you alive.

Look, I'm sorry guys, but this is where I belong.

Psych!

I can handle being devoured.

I'm into weird shit.

But killing my friends?

That's gonna be a "no" from me, dawg!

Sick legs, bro.

Follow me if you want to live.

Hey! This is a cult,

and we're all just fuel for an alien spaceship!

Oh, God! I knew it!

Okay, I am most definitely not in the zone right now.

Wow.

Thanks for everything back there, guys.

That's the last alien space cult I ever join.

I think we're about to land in Australia.