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1
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Ahhh, good evening
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00:00:03,298 --> 00:00:05,599
and welcome to "Funny Fortnight".
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00:00:05,624 --> 00:00:08,324
The first program tonight
is "Toast of London".
4
00:00:08,349 --> 00:00:10,349
A brand new comedy written by
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00:00:10,374 --> 00:00:12,974
Arthur Mathews and Matt Berry.
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As well as a adult humor
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this show contains strong language.
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Yes. How lovely, darling!
9
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,419
Yes.
10
00:00:55,420 --> 00:00:56,699
Jane, I...
Y-Yeah.
11
00:00:56,700 --> 00:01:00,699
Yes, it's spelt plough,
but pronounced "pluff".
12
00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:04,339
As in Brian Clough? The sportsman?
13
00:01:04,340 --> 00:01:08,339
OK! Tremendous fun!
Good Lord!
14
00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:11,259
Ahahaha...! Absolutely!
15
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I have to be on stage at 7.30pm.
16
00:01:13,180 --> 00:01:15,619
Aha-ha-ha-ha! Yes...!
17
00:01:15,620 --> 00:01:17,939
UURGH! Shit!
18
00:01:17,940 --> 00:01:20,019
Actually, can I call you back?
19
00:01:20,020 --> 00:01:20,979
What the hell?
20
00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:22,899
I've stung my bloody eyes!
21
00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:25,219
Your nozzle was pointing arse-ways.
22
00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:27,779
Well, at least now
I've got your attention.
23
00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:28,939
Are you all right, Toast?
24
00:01:28,940 --> 00:01:30,579
It's not been a good week.
25
00:01:30,580 --> 00:01:34,579
I'm sleeping in a tiny chair.
My back is killing me.
26
00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:35,899
I've just got divorced.
27
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,659
And they're still protesting at...
28
00:01:37,660 --> 00:01:41,659
HORN BLASTS
29
00:01:41,820 --> 00:01:42,459
At what?
30
00:01:42,460 --> 00:01:45,099
The bloody play that you put me in!
31
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:49,099
Well, it's controversial stuff.
People may not be ready for it.
32
00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:52,859
Like Shakespeare
in the 16th century.
33
00:01:52,860 --> 00:01:56,579
I think people only got Shakespeare
when Lenny Henry started doing it.
34
00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:57,859
And I've lost my watch.
35
00:01:57,860 --> 00:02:00,819
And earlier I coughed and
nearly followed through in Oddbins.
36
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:02,699
Aren't they facing liquidation?
37
00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:05,499
They're not the only ones, my dear!
38
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:06,499
Is that Ray Purchase?
39
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:08,299
Oh, yes!
40
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:12,299
That's when he was in that Ray
Cooney farce. He drew that himself.
41
00:02:12,580 --> 00:02:15,939
(LAUGHS)
He's such a fucking buffoon!
42
00:02:15,940 --> 00:02:19,939
The last I heard he was using
his skills as a police artist.
43
00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:23,299
He draws identikit pictures
of criminals.
44
00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:27,059
Hm! Ray Purchase...
Everything about that man
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00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:29,739
was a complete and utter farce.
46
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Come on, you dirty bastard!
47
00:02:32,260 --> 00:02:35,099
I am giving you my all, Mrs Purchase!
48
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:36,259
My bloody all!
49
00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:38,379
Come on, you shitbag!
50
00:02:38,380 --> 00:02:41,019
Hold on, I'm nearly there.
I can feel my balls fizz.
51
00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:42,139
DOOR CLOSES
52
00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:44,219
What the hell are you doing?
53
00:02:44,220 --> 00:02:45,099
Didn't you hear that?
54
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,139
What?
55
00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:47,259
Ray's home!
56
00:02:47,260 --> 00:02:49,739
You said he was doing a radio
with Wendy Craig.
57
00:02:49,740 --> 00:02:51,939
Quick! Get in the wardrobe!
58
00:02:51,940 --> 00:02:54,019
What wardrobe? That one there!
59
00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:58,019
Jesus Christ!
60
00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:01,899
Hello, darling. I thought you were
recording that radio show.
61
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:05,899
No. Wendy threw up her lasagne.
Went everywhere.
62
00:03:06,260 --> 00:03:09,979
Mmm... You look nice.
63
00:03:09,980 --> 00:03:12,379
Not now, Ray.
Ah.
64
00:03:12,380 --> 00:03:16,139
What the hell is this? Nothing.
65
00:03:16,140 --> 00:03:17,419
Have you been... No!
66
00:03:17,420 --> 00:03:19,379
Is that...
Is somebody in that?
67
00:03:19,380 --> 00:03:21,139
Ray, you're being ridiculous!
68
00:03:21,140 --> 00:03:25,139
Is someone in there?
69
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,899
Come out! Right.
70
00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:33,179
I'll get to the bottom of this.
I'll get the axe.
71
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:36,219
Oh, not the axe!
Ray, you're being ridiculous.
72
00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:38,779
Toast!
73
00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:42,219
I've dropped the bloody key.
I can't find it.
74
00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:44,179
I'm not sure what I should do.
75
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:47,699
Stop talking.
I'm almost certain he'll go away.
76
00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:48,819
Oh, no...!
77
00:03:48,820 --> 00:03:52,819
Right!
78
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,299
Hello. I'm Steven Toast.
79
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:58,179
I believe we share the same agent.
80
00:03:58,180 --> 00:03:59,339
What?!
81
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,699
I was jogging past
and remembered you'd just moved in.
82
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:02,739
What?
83
00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:05,379
So I thought I'd call in
on your beautiful wife.
84
00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:06,499
What?
85
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:10,499
You dropped in for a quickie,
did you? For some knob-jogging?
86
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:13,979
Knob-jogging?
No, no, you mean knob-jockeying.
87
00:04:13,980 --> 00:04:15,979
Come on, then, Toast.Really?
88
00:04:15,980 --> 00:04:19,979
Yep.
89
00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:23,219
Your marriage is a farce, Purchase.
90
00:04:23,220 --> 00:04:27,219
Notice the emphasis I put on "farce"?
91
00:04:28,420 --> 00:04:30,019
Oh, let it go, Toast.
92
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,219
How old is Kenton Schwepps?
93
00:04:32,220 --> 00:04:34,099
Oh, I don't know. He's about 20...
94
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:36,539
No, no, don't tell me.
I'll just get upset.
95
00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:40,539
Actually, Kenton Schwepps has pulled
out of a voice-over this afternoon.
96
00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:42,779
He's gone AWOL
with another actor's fiancee.
97
00:04:42,780 --> 00:04:46,779
You could do it instead. They
literally want you to say one word.
98
00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:49,419
Even if it's a long word, won't
take more than a few minutes.
99
00:04:49,420 --> 00:04:51,339
Well, no word takes longer
than a few minutes.
100
00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:52,899
I remember learning that at RADA.
101
00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:55,059
Are there any words you won't say?
102
00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:57,339
Any words you're
uncomfortable with?
103
00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:59,659
Yes, I refuse to say the word
unsheathed.
104
00:04:59,660 --> 00:05:03,179
Oh, actually, they've given me
the word they want you to say.
105
00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:04,139
What is it?
106
00:05:04,140 --> 00:05:05,379
Yes.
107
00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:06,179
Sorry?
108
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:07,539
Yes.
109
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:09,899
They want you to say the word yes.
110
00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:11,099
Can you say that?
111
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,379
Yes.
112
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:16,659
Anyway,
how were you settling in with Ed?
113
00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:18,499
Well, I'm glad it's not long-term.
114
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:21,739
He has a very unusual set-up
with an aged agoraphobe.
115
00:05:21,740 --> 00:05:25,739
Goodhouse.
Yes, it's odd.
116
00:05:28,820 --> 00:05:30,259
Yes!
117
00:05:30,260 --> 00:05:33,459
Oh, I like your drawings, Toast.
The naive style.
118
00:05:33,460 --> 00:05:36,379
Well, it's my own style, Ed.
I'm not sure what it's called.
119
00:05:36,380 --> 00:05:38,659
I might ask you to take down
the yacht. Goodhouse.
120
00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:41,659
Gets perturbed by anything that
smacks of the great outdoors.
121
00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:42,939
All right.
122
00:05:42,940 --> 00:05:46,939
Actually, maybe remove them all. Don't
want you feeling too much at home.
123
00:05:47,060 --> 00:05:48,379
No, of course.
124
00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:51,459
As soon as I get my own place,
I'll be gone.
125
00:05:51,460 --> 00:05:53,059
I'm seeing my brother Blair later.
126
00:05:53,060 --> 00:05:54,819
I could possibly stay at his club.
127
00:05:54,820 --> 00:05:56,379
He's the soldier, isn't he?
128
00:05:56,380 --> 00:05:57,419
Yes.
129
00:05:57,420 --> 00:05:59,659
He came back from the Falklands
with an amputated hand.
130
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:03,579
Really? I'd have thought
he'd leave it there.
131
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:04,779
No, I think he did.
132
00:06:04,780 --> 00:06:06,299
WOMAN SQUEALS
133
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:10,299
Ah. Goodhouse.
Letting off a bit of steam.
134
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,699
So... Sleep well, Toast?
135
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:14,979
Not great, Ed.
The walls are pretty thin.
136
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:17,659
Couldn't help over-hearing
your love-making.
137
00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:21,139
You don't half shift through
the gears. Made my teeth rattle.
138
00:06:21,140 --> 00:06:23,299
WOMAN SQUEALS
139
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,339
Oh, please...!
140
00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:27,179
MAN GRUNTS AND WOMAN SQUEALS
141
00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:29,979
Ah. You and Goodhouse, you're not...
142
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:33,979
(DRONES)
143
00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:45,539
She's not my wife. Oh, I see.
144
00:06:45,540 --> 00:06:46,739
My wife lives in Swaziland.
145
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:50,499
The French handle this type of thing
much better than us, don't they?
146
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:51,899
(WOMAN SIGHS LOUDLY)
147
00:06:51,900 --> 00:06:55,139
You're probably curious
about Goodhouse's agoraphobia.
148
00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:57,739
I'm afraid we had
a bit of a setback yesterdays.
149
00:06:57,740 --> 00:07:00,099
I don't want to leave.
Come on, Goodhouse.
150
00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:04,099
We'll just walk down the end
of the road. Nothing can go wrong.
151
00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:07,939
All right. All right, let's do it.
152
00:07:07,940 --> 00:07:09,699
Excellent. Excellent.
153
00:07:09,700 --> 00:07:13,699
We can be totally confident
about it being a complete success.
154
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:19,739
So she hasn't been
outside for two years
155
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,779
and the first thing
she sees is a flasher?
156
00:07:21,780 --> 00:07:24,059
Apparently the police have been
after him for some time.
157
00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:26,299
He used to be
known as the Tooting Flasher.
158
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:27,819
It appears that he has now
159
00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:30,499
expanded his operations
across the Southeast.
160
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:34,219
Got a little cocky, you might say!
161
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,459
Yeah.
162
00:07:35,460 --> 00:07:37,899
Did you get a good
look at his face?
163
00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:41,899
No. No. One finds oneself in that
situation somewhat transfixed.
164
00:07:42,740 --> 00:07:46,019
Oh, yes. Of course.
165
00:07:46,020 --> 00:07:48,739
Jolly good of Ed to agree
to put you up for a while.
166
00:07:48,740 --> 00:07:51,019
This is a helluva long meeting, Jane.
167
00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:55,019
We just need to discuss the TV
drama. It's a marvelous part.
168
00:07:55,180 --> 00:07:58,859
A week's work. Filming in Spain.
169
00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:01,739
No.
It'll be the end of July.
170
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:03,739
Cliff Promise is producing.
171
00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:05,459
Oh, right, I've met him.
172
00:08:05,460 --> 00:08:08,979
He's pretty sure you're right for
the role, but wants to see you read.
173
00:08:08,980 --> 00:08:12,979
He wants to see meread?
Well, he can fuck that sky high.
174
00:08:14,380 --> 00:08:15,539
No.
175
00:08:15,540 --> 00:08:19,299
It's just a formality.
But he needs to see you today.
176
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:22,219
But I have to meet my brother.
177
00:08:22,220 --> 00:08:25,139
Now that's the one!
178
00:08:25,140 --> 00:08:27,699
I've got to end this meeting now,
Jane.
179
00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:30,219
It's a bit of a weird one
about Cliff Promise.
180
00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:33,419
He's been in trouble recently
so he's kind of out of action.
181
00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:35,179
What do you mean, out of action?
182
00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:36,459
What do you mean, out of action?
He's in jail.
183
00:08:36,460 --> 00:08:38,219
Cliff Promise is in jail?
184
00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:40,179
Only for a short time!
185
00:08:40,180 --> 00:08:41,699
What the hell for?
186
00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:45,699
This'll knock you bandy.
He's in for holocaust denial.
187
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:48,859
What?
188
00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:51,139
It's very odd.
189
00:08:51,140 --> 00:08:55,139
The thing about Clifford is that he
actually has lots of Jewish friends,
190
00:08:56,340 --> 00:09:00,179
but he just thinks
the figures don't add up.
191
00:09:00,180 --> 00:09:03,459
Should I be auditioning
for a holocaust denier?
192
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:06,619
My father was in the army.
He was in Auschwitz.
193
00:09:06,620 --> 00:09:07,979
Really? When?
194
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:11,699
1945. Just after
they opened it up to the tourists.
195
00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:15,699
I think it's as much a free speech
thing with Cliff, as anything.
196
00:09:16,060 --> 00:09:17,499
He's not a Nazi, is he?
197
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:21,179
When I met him at Caroline Quentin's
house-warming party last year,
198
00:09:21,180 --> 00:09:24,299
he didn't come across as a Nazi.
199
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:28,299
He was wearing the SS uniform,
but he didn't come across as a Nazi.
200
00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:31,139
You know,
like Prince Harry wears one.
201
00:09:31,140 --> 00:09:34,059
It's just a bit of fun.
202
00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:38,059
He was also questioned by the police
after a racial chanting incident.
203
00:09:38,220 --> 00:09:40,259
Where?
At a football match, presumably.
204
00:09:40,260 --> 00:09:42,739
No.
On the set of Inspector Somerset.
205
00:09:42,740 --> 00:09:46,099
He didn't agree with
the casting of Bennett Carnival.
206
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:47,539
Because Bennett Carnival is black?
207
00:09:47,540 --> 00:09:48,539
Yes.
208
00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:52,539
Didn't he play the Nigerian
ambassador in that?
209
00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:57,379
Talking of racial matters - the
Evening Standard rang me earlier.
210
00:09:57,380 --> 00:09:58,819
What do those fuckers want?
211
00:09:58,820 --> 00:10:02,819
They left a message about
wanting to talk about Asians.
212
00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:07,179
What do I know about Asians?
213
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:10,019
They probably meant agents.
214
00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:13,139
After all, you are an agent.
215
00:10:13,140 --> 00:10:15,259
Oh, that could be it.
216
00:10:15,260 --> 00:10:18,539
Alright, where do
I have to meet him?
217
00:10:18,540 --> 00:10:21,659
BUZZER
218
00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:24,699
BUZZING CONTINUES
219
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:28,699
I say, I think
I may have broken your doorbell.
220
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:33,899
Steven. Cliff Promise.
Lovely to meet you.
221
00:10:34,820 --> 00:10:37,699
Oh, that's such a great touch.
222
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:38,779
Sorry, what?
223
00:10:38,780 --> 00:10:41,739
The blinking.
David's nervous, so he blinks.
224
00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:44,419
It's not even in the script,
but it's so right!
225
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:46,779
No, I sprayed perfume
in my eyes earlier.
226
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:47,899
Why?
227
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:51,339
It was an accident?
228
00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:55,059
OK, let's just give it a read.
You have the scenes.
229
00:10:55,060 --> 00:10:57,419
Oh, right.
230
00:10:57,420 --> 00:11:01,419
Excellent.
231
00:11:02,660 --> 00:11:05,659
Ah, I can read the part of Daisy.
232
00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:08,419
Erm...
233
00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:11,979
I suggest from the bit
where David's drunk
234
00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:14,379
and they're having
a bit of an argument in the villa.
235
00:11:14,380 --> 00:11:18,099
You seemed to be paying a bit of
attention to Roger the other night.
236
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:18,939
That bit?
237
00:11:18,940 --> 00:11:22,459
Yes, that's it. OK.
238
00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:26,179
You seemed to be paying a bit of
attention to Roger the other night.
239
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:27,979
Are you drunk again, David?
240
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:31,979
Too much wine always brings out
your jealous rages.
241
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:36,299
Maybe a bit of blinking, Steven.
242
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:38,259
I loved what you were
doing with that.
243
00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:42,259
Right. You were practically
throwing yourself at him.
244
00:11:42,780 --> 00:11:44,139
I'll just stop it there.
245
00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:48,139
Very good. But were you doing him
slightly... Jamaican?
246
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:53,299
I thought I detected
a little patois.
247
00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:58,259
There's no way... David... is
Jamaican!
248
00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:00,019
OK, let's trot on.
249
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:01,739
All right, is my character gay?
250
00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:04,739
Yes!
You're an undercover gay detective.
251
00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:06,459
Well, shall I do him camp?
252
00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:08,819
You could try it.
Do you want to try it?
253
00:12:08,820 --> 00:12:11,099
Well, he's probably
trying to hide it.
254
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:12,419
He is married.
255
00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:15,059
Trying to catch a killer.
256
00:12:15,060 --> 00:12:17,179
Really?
257
00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:18,899
Look, I'll try something.
258
00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:21,459
Good for you!
259
00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:25,459
The first time he came down you were
practically throwing yourself at him!
260
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,819
And that bitch of a wife!
261
00:12:29,820 --> 00:12:31,579
This is bollocks! Eh?
262
00:12:31,580 --> 00:12:33,299
This one here's a gay bent copper.
263
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:34,939
Sorry, everything all right here?
264
00:12:34,940 --> 00:12:37,259
And he smells of perfume!
265
00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:39,059
Get your bloody hands off me!
266
00:12:39,060 --> 00:12:40,059
ALARM
267
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:44,059
ALARM
When will I hear?
268
00:12:46,580 --> 00:12:47,499
Which way's London?
269
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,459
That way.
270
00:12:49,460 --> 00:12:55,099
Unbelievable!
271
00:13:01,260 --> 00:13:02,899
I blew his head off completely!
272
00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:06,819
And, when I say completely,
I mean...
273
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,259
...completely.
274
00:13:08,260 --> 00:13:11,619
I imagine when one blows someone's
head off, there's no half measures?
275
00:13:11,620 --> 00:13:14,699
His head shot up into the air
and landed in my lap.
276
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,099
Now, what happened next,
I will never forget.
277
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:20,539
He looked me straight into the eyes
and as God is my witness,
278
00:13:20,540 --> 00:13:23,739
he mouthed the words...
279
00:13:23,740 --> 00:13:26,979
..."thank you".
280
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,379
Oh, Steven, you would have loved
the Army life.
281
00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:32,859
It was good enough for our father
and grandfather.
282
00:13:32,860 --> 00:13:34,219
It's not too late, you know.
283
00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:36,099
I think it is too late, Blair.
284
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:39,739
The acting life is the life for me.
285
00:13:39,740 --> 00:13:41,259
Is that a new hand?
286
00:13:41,260 --> 00:13:42,339
What?
287
00:13:42,340 --> 00:13:44,259
Oh, yeah.
288
00:13:44,260 --> 00:13:46,939
Usual one's getting fixed!
289
00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:48,779
So I hear this play you're in...
290
00:13:48,780 --> 00:13:50,339
CLOCK CHIMES
291
00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:51,859
...is a piece of shit!
292
00:13:51,860 --> 00:13:54,619
It's true, the subject matter
could be considered robust.
293
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:57,299
It beats running the risk of getting
your head blown off.
294
00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:59,619
Although, I was almost set on
fire during rehearsal.
295
00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:02,579
I've lost count of the number
of times I've been set on fire.
296
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:05,819
It kept me on my toes!
Wouldn't do you any harm, either.
297
00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:07,779
Excellent!
298
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,859
It's been great seeing you,
Blair, but I've a voice-over in Soho
299
00:14:10,860 --> 00:14:12,219
and the studio's booked.
300
00:14:12,220 --> 00:14:16,219
The studio peopled exclusively
by homosexuals, no doubt?
301
00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:19,659
Well, there'll probably
be at least one homosexual.
302
00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:21,739
They are one in ten
of the male population.
303
00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:23,419
Not in the Army, they're not.
304
00:14:23,420 --> 00:14:25,183
The number of homosexuals in the Army?
305
00:14:25,209 --> 00:14:27,724
Absolutely none.
BOTTLE POPS
306
00:14:28,140 --> 00:14:32,139
GUN FIRES
307
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:36,219
Every bloody time.
308
00:14:36,220 --> 00:14:40,219
No.
309
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:50,299
Well, well, well, look who it is.
310
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:52,699
Oh, Jesus!
311
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:55,219
You can't believe your eyes,
can you, Toast?
312
00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:58,459
It's me, Ray Purchase.
313
00:14:58,460 --> 00:15:01,219
You didn't know I was
a member of this club, did you?
314
00:15:01,220 --> 00:15:03,379
The only club you should
be a member of, Purchase,
315
00:15:03,380 --> 00:15:06,299
is a club for arseholes!
316
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:08,819
I heard that new play
you're in is terrible.
317
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,459
What, you mean...
318
00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:13,819
INAUDIBLE
319
00:15:13,820 --> 00:15:14,979
Yeah, of course I mean...
320
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:18,979
INAUDIBLE
321
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,979
I've never forgotten you, Toast.
322
00:15:21,980 --> 00:15:24,699
Oh, no, I have never forgotten you.
323
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:28,659
Well, excuse me
while I dry my hands.
324
00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:30,619
Dry your hands, eh?
325
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:34,459
Why not dry your eyes as well?
326
00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:38,459
DRIER BLOWS
327
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:48,859
Good God, Toast.
328
00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:03,739
Hey, Steven, ready for you now.
329
00:16:03,740 --> 00:16:05,459
Do you want any water, or anything?
330
00:16:05,460 --> 00:16:06,619
I got some here.
331
00:16:06,620 --> 00:16:07,419
Are we rolling?
332
00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:11,419
Are we rolling?
Yeah, in your own time.
333
00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:16,819
Yes.
334
00:16:18,540 --> 00:16:19,979
Er, that was brilliant, Steven.
335
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,019
Really brilliant,
everyone very happy here.
336
00:16:22,020 --> 00:16:24,099
Let's just get a few more. Yeah.
337
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:27,259
OK.
338
00:16:27,260 --> 00:16:28,699
Yes.
339
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,059
Yes.
340
00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:31,499
Yes.
341
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,779
Yes.
342
00:16:33,780 --> 00:16:37,739
OK?
343
00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:40,419
Er, Steven, that was really good.
344
00:16:40,420 --> 00:16:43,459
Feeling is here that you could be
a bit more positive.
345
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:44,739
More positive?
346
00:16:44,740 --> 00:16:46,779
Yeah, you know. Really go for it.
347
00:16:46,780 --> 00:16:48,699
You want me to go for it?
348
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:51,419
Yeah.
349
00:16:51,420 --> 00:16:54,339
All right.
350
00:16:54,340 --> 00:16:58,339
Yes!
351
00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:04,859
Er, it's good, very, very good.
352
00:17:04,860 --> 00:17:06,539
Let's just try without the script,
353
00:17:06,540 --> 00:17:08,139
it might loosen you up a little bit.
354
00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:10,139
What is it, one word?
You don't really need it.
355
00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:12,939
I probably don't need this script,
it's just a word.
356
00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:16,939
Yeah, let's do it again.
357
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:21,139
Yes!
358
00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:21,659
Was that it?
359
00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:22,739
Yes.
360
00:17:22,740 --> 00:17:26,739
Right.
361
00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:28,259
Hi, Steven.
362
00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:29,299
Yes.
363
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:30,259
This is Clem Fandango.
364
00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:31,499
OK.
365
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:32,539
Can you hear me?
366
00:17:32,540 --> 00:17:33,459
Yes.
367
00:17:33,460 --> 00:17:34,779
Honestly, this is going great
368
00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:37,459
but there was a little loss
of energy in that last take.
369
00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:40,559
Maybe try one more.
370
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:43,939
OK, ready to go?
371
00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:44,819
Yeah. What?
372
00:17:44,820 --> 00:17:47,219
Yes!
373
00:17:47,220 --> 00:17:48,979
Yes!
374
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:50,619
Yes!
375
00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:52,139
Yes!
376
00:17:52,140 --> 00:17:53,699
Yes!
377
00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:55,459
Yes!!
378
00:17:55,460 --> 00:17:56,739
Yeees!
379
00:17:56,740 --> 00:17:58,779
Yes!
380
00:17:58,780 --> 00:18:00,659
Yes!
381
00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:02,019
Yes!
382
00:18:02,020 --> 00:18:04,519
Yes!
383
00:18:06,340 --> 00:18:07,499
Yes!
384
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:09,299
Yes!
385
00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:11,139
Yees!
386
00:18:11,140 --> 00:18:12,379
Yeees!
387
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:13,459
Yes!!
388
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:16,099
Yes!
389
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:17,259
Yes!
390
00:18:17,260 --> 00:18:18,819
Yees!
391
00:18:18,820 --> 00:18:20,819
Yeees!
392
00:18:20,820 --> 00:18:22,019
Yeeees!
393
00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:24,619
Yes!
394
00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:26,399
Yes!!!
395
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:29,779
Fuck...
396
00:18:29,780 --> 00:18:31,499
Jesus!
397
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:33,459
Steven?
What?!
398
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:37,459
How would you feel about doing a no?
399
00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:40,099
Are you crying?
400
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:45,599
Clem Fandango, I have
to be on the stage at 7.30.
401
00:18:45,740 --> 00:18:49,739
Honestly, Steven,
how long will it take to say no?
402
00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:05,979
♪ I had dreams
403
00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:09,099
♪ So did we all
404
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:13,099
♪ But then life begins
405
00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:17,059
♪ My curtain call
406
00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:21,059
♪ I'm alone and scared
407
00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:25,059
♪ You were a fool
408
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:29,059
♪ When you die, who'll care?
409
00:19:30,060 --> 00:19:32,379
♪ I guess you're right
410
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:36,379
♪ So kill me with yes...
411
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,619
♪ Yes
412
00:19:39,620 --> 00:19:41,739
♪ Yes
413
00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,899
♪ Yes
414
00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:46,799
♪ Yes! ♪
415
00:20:24,380 --> 00:20:27,459
TV: And now we have a police
identikit drawing of a suspect
416
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:30,699
that police are very keen to talk
to in connection with a series
417
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:34,699
of incidents of indecent exposure
across London and the south-east.
418
00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:38,939
The man, originally
known as the Tooting Flasher...
419
00:20:38,940 --> 00:20:41,219
Do you recognise that face?
Do you have any...
420
00:20:41,220 --> 00:20:44,719
Ray bloody Purchase!
421
00:20:48,020 --> 00:20:50,539
PHONE RINGS
422
00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:52,379
Bloody hell!
423
00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:53,419
Yes!
424
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,259
Toast, I've just been watching
Crimescene.
425
00:20:56,260 --> 00:20:58,059
Look, I can't deal
with this right now.
426
00:20:58,060 --> 00:21:00,659
I don't think you should stay
here at the flat any more.
427
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:03,259
Look, Ed, it wasn't me!
It was Ray Purchase.
428
00:21:03,260 --> 00:21:05,419
It was a poor show, Toast,
poor bloody show.
429
00:21:05,420 --> 00:21:08,219
You've sent Goodhouse firmly
back to square one.
430
00:21:08,220 --> 00:21:09,499
STAGE BUZZER
431
00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:13,499
I'm on stage, I've got to go.
432
00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:19,059
How long does this protest go on?
433
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:20,059
Until the end of the show!
434
00:21:20,060 --> 00:21:21,099
Good!
435
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:25,099
This is disgusting! Boo!
436
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:41,499
BLEEP
30459
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