Original subtitles

The Straw Hat

From the theatre farce by Screenplay

Dramaturg team Film dramaturg

Starring

Assistant Director II. Assistant

Continuity Cameraman

Make up Properties

Wardrobe

Assistant Production Designer Assistants to Chief of Production

The film was made with the collaboration of

Sound Editor

Film Editor

Production Designer Costumes Designer

Music by Played by

Conducted by

Head of Production Team

Director of Photography

Directed by

Made at the Barrandov Film Studios Central Dramaturg

Processed at the Prague Film Laboratories

You seem to have lost weight, my girl.

- Dear aunt, what if I lose favour in his eyes?

- Goodness me, he can count his blessings.

You know how to sew, how to bottle fruit...

When you have a child you'll get rounder.

Here... - Whose... When whose child comes?

- Well, you'll be heaving children, won't you?

- Why not. We've planted enough cabbage.

- Cabbage? Cabbage... well...

- Well, one finds children inside cabbage heads, doesn't one?

- They found you inside a head of cabbage too.

- Well, Helen dear, I'm wondering how to tell you...

- Where are my shoes? And I can't find my cuff-links,

either. - Your shoes are in the box you brought

the seedlings home in. - I see.

- And you put your cuff-links into the canary's cage, daddy,

you were afraid somebody would mislay them for you.

- Is that so? Be a good girl and bring them, then.

- Listen, Bernard, you should tell her the facts of life.

It's not right for a child to enter into matrimony

knowing nothing at all. - Nonsense,

nobody told me any facts of life either, and you should have

seen how... - You and your dirty talk, Bernard...

- Anyway... oh... I... oh dear...

ouch...

Mr Ferdinand is the very example

of a gallant gentleman, Clothilde, he'll just give her a gentle hint

as to what it's all about... Damn these boots!

Away with you! This is nothing for you!

Off, run along!

Other girls at her age do have some sort of a past,

but our innocent little blossom has known nothing else

than a kiss or two from cousin Bobbin.

- For me this'll be no wedding, but a torture session.

- They did love each other so, those children.

Poor Bobbin!

- Ouch... Zhu-zhu!

Ah, my dear son-in-law, I bid you welcome.

What is it, anything wrong? - No no no, nono, no.

- Come along in, do! - I have to talk to you

on a important matter.

- Exactly, didn't I say you should come in. Dear Helena is getting ready.

- My little rosebud, I won't - she's dressing...

embarrass her.

I wanted... I wanted to ask you something.

- You see. - I wouldn't have thought

of disturbing you...

Well, how shall I put it.

It's the main thing, the most important thing of all, actually.

- The main thing's quite in order. Helena is a virgin!

- I know, but I mean...

well the next important main thing... - Yes?

- Her dowry. - Her dowry?

Surely that's a matter you and I have settled, son-in-law?

- Yes, but you see I need that money now.

- I know, but I'd rather you get it after you're married.

Anyway... the marriage ceremony starts at eleven surely it can wait

that much longer, what?

- I'd hate to miss the opportunity...

The owner is in a hurry.

Eleven o'clock - that'll be too late. I want to buy house a new house.

It's a very good buy. A gift for dear Helena.

For my little rosebud. So that she has a nice place to blossom in.

- Well, I mean to say, that's very nice of you,

but surely the transaction will wait until tomorrow, won't it?

- Well... Well... That's just the problem, it won't wait.

Unfortunately, unfortunately. It must be settled this very minute.

- Do understand, my dear son-in-law, that it's impossible.

Just before the ceremony, you must understand...

- Well then you can stuff those few francs

you know where! - Really, son-in-law,

don't talk to me like that.

Helena's dowry, that's no measly few francs.

We may be simple country folk,

but there aren't many brides in town with such a dowry,

let me tell you. - If you think you're magnanimous,

you're not.

- Son-in-law!

Oh, calm down! That's only Bobbin.

Calm down, that's my nephew.

He shoots at the cockerels occasionally. They seem to be getting

the upper hand here lately. The beasts!

- Hm, interesting. - Now then, my dear son-in-law,

don't forget that the wedding's at eleven, that means that you should be

ready at a quarter to. - Well, 'bye then,

- We'll be there. - Well, 'bye then.

- Don't you forget! In front of the house!

Bobbin, no, don't try and hide, I can see you!

Come here! Come here, you must be mad!

Is that the right thing to do, to go and hunt my son-in-law with a gun?

He's no partridge, is he?!

And stand still when I'm talking to you! I said stand still, and give that to me!

I understand. I know how you feel,

but what if you were to hit him? What would he think of us then?

- Hush!

Oh dear!

Now you be good and wait, Zhu-zhu. The master will be back in a jiffy.

Peep-a-boo! - Peep-a-boo!

Is that you, darling?

- Yes, it's me, your darling.

- Maurice, you've been neglecting me badly, lately.

You must think I'm... - You must lay much stress on...

I know what I want to lay, my treasure. A flower amongst flowers.

- Oh dear, you've broken the clasp. - What a pity.

Show me? You give to me,

I'll have it mended. - Maurice?

- Yes? - You seem to have forgotten

that you promised me something?

- Did I? And what?

- Some money.

- Lisette, you look marvellous. You are more and more beautiful as time goes by.

Yes! Today for example, you look like...

...like the day after tomorrow. What a pity I won't be there to see

what you look like then.

- And why not? - Problems...

obstacles... All sorts of worries.

I have to go away. Far away.

All the way to Persia. The Shah has called me in, as expert

on the catching of the signing birds.

- What on earth do you know about singing birds?

- Try and convince him I don't!

- And when are you leaving? - Where?

Oh, for Persia! Very soon.

By morning boat in the early afternoon,

then by train and... ...the rest on foot.

Oh by the way, I've sold my house, so you won't ever find me again.

- Do we really have to say goodbye? - Unfortunately, yes.

- Oh dear.

Well then, let this last goodbye be beautiful then.

So that we at least have some memories.

- There won't be anything else left, anyway, will there.

- Oh, Maurice...

It was beautiful. What a pity you're in such a hurry.

- I have to go back to the regiment. Africa calls us.

Anyway, you'll be expected back by your husband.

- Oh, that impossible man.

If you only knew how I suffer in his presence.

- Just as much as he suffers through your absence.

- You're right, his jealousy is beginning to be quite

a sickness of the mind.

Just imagine, last time he tried to choke me.

- Didn't go about it right, if you ask me.

- What was that?

- Nothing, nothing, just that you should hurry.

- Where's my hat? - You put it on some tree branch.

- I see.

Emil! Emil!

My hat...!

- This is the limit! Killing you is too good for you,

you... - Emil, Emil! Do pull yourself together,

it's but a dumb animal. - It shouldn't bank on

that as an excuse!

My uncle was more, he was deaf and dumb, but he didn't gobble up hats.

Whose is this animal?

- What's up? Has anything happened?

- Mister! - Ah. Put something on, Lisette!

- Mister... - Is that your horse?

- Ah, madam... Actually, yes.

Good afternoon. - It ate up my hat.

- Oh, oh. The little rascal.

Madam... come along, Zhu-Zhu-straw, that's his passion.

A real weakness he has for straw.

He ate up my rocking-chair not far back.

- Joking aside, Sir, joking aside.

- I'm not joking at all, Lieutenant.

Excuse me. It is only three days or so

that he developed an appetite for a widower.

A straw widower of course. Get in, darling.

- But I absolutely cannot go home without my hat, Emil.

I have to wear something.

- What if the Lieutenant leant you his cap.

- Ah! - Or twist your skirt into a turban.

- My patience is at an end, Sir.

How do you mean to solve this situation? - How?

This way, I suppose.

- Emil, dear God, Emilio...

- Just you keep calm, Anais! Keep calm.

Hurry up, get a move on!

You must be finished in a few minutes time.

- We've nearly finished in here.

- But there's plenty of work still in store for you in the bedroom.

- For us? Surely for Monsieur Fadinard.

- Don't be impertinent, my man.

Bouffon, how many times have I told you

to keep the good name of my firm in mind?

- That's only the valet. - Never mind,

but we're in the house of a customer.

Our job is to cover up for all the furniture that's been sold off,

and not to gossip our employer!

- Ah, the bride's relatives have arrived.

I'm uncle Vezinet. I am sure that we shall love each other.

We're all one family now.

- Excuse me, but we're only the hired workmen...

- Kiss my other face too, my boy.

- Please excuse me, if you permit

I'd like to explain... - What's the odds,

the gentleman is as deaf as a stone.

But he's got an excellent sense of smell.

- There. And now you, my boy. Come here.

- We're de... decorating the place. - Come here!

What did you say? - We're doing the decorating.

- You're right, my boy, quite right.

The plume were nothing but worms this year.

- Bouffon, don't fight back, what are you about?

Don't forget that we're in a customer's house.

Uncle! - My boy!

You stink a bit, my boy, but I can stand it.

It's glue, that's right, glue.

This is a wedding present for dear Helena.

Helena will be so happy.

Felix! Felix!

I was help us a bit, now then, we'll make everything fly from now on.

By the way, I forgot to give this back to Mademoiselle Lisette.

You must take it to her tomorrow. - I'll see to it.

- And don't forget, I'm in Persia. Is that clear?

What about the decorators, will they have finished in time?

- They promised to make it my midday.

Magnificent, garlands... - And have you told them

I'd pay after... - Everything's arranged.

- Right. - Your uncle has arrived.

- Dear nephew, on this great day allow me to... Come here!

- I could have do without you here, you bimbo.

- That's right. - Felix, would you please take

that old crock by the collar and lock him in some place.

Look here, don't keep me, or I won't have time to change.

- You're quite right, Austria is a very mountainous country,

particularly round Salzburg. - Look here,

go and stuff yourself. - How much did you say?

Go and stuff yourself. - That's right, that's right.

- There. Won't he be pleased...

Felix! - Yes, Sir.

- My name is Charpentier. - I'm sorry. A creditor!

- Ah! Mr... Charpentier.

I'm so glad to see you. Please come in.

- This morning, my dear Sir, you were to have deposited

a quite considerable sum in my office, your debt.

- Ah, so this is your father-in-law, dear nephew!

A fine figure of a fellow! And where is dear Helena?

- Leave off, uncle. He's stone deaf, I apologize.

Felix, carry him off! - Yes.

- I'm sure we shall all love each other.

We shall love each other.

- Mr Charpentier,

the situation is rather... ...how shall I put it...

rather decibeliously lomicarose.

I do have the money. But not on me.

- Is that so? - Which means that I'll come

and deposit them later, all my debts. - In that case I fear the worst, Sir.

- How's that? - Mr Dubois, the director of our office

will be back at lunchtime, and I assure you

that he'll be coming to fetch the money from you personally.

- Why he? I don't even know him. I had taken up negotiations only with you.

- Well, in that case you'll meet him.

Goodbye.

I think this is a fine beginning.

Gentlemen, I have to change, if you could be so kind as to...

- Go and decorate the drawing-room in the meantime!

- But there's still lots of work to be done here!

We have to get on with it to be finished in time with all the decorations...

- Surely you don't expect me to get married in breeches

for your convenience. - Ah, that would be quite unsuitable.

Bouffon, Durante...!

There you are, they've arrived.

Does Mr Fadinard live here, please? - You must be wedding-guests...

I think funeral guests. - Do calm down, Emil!

Emil...

There are some people outside who want to talk to you. A lady and a gentleman.

- I suppose that'll be my father-in-law with his daughter.

Take them into the drawing room! I'll be ready right away.

- The gentleman doesn't much look like a father-in-law.

- He doesn't? All the better. I haven't got a minute to spare for anybody.

- It looks rather dangerous, to be exact.

- Dangerous?

Take them into the drawing room!

Would you walk in, madam!

Oh, excuse me.

It seems that you forgot to introduce yourself, Sir.

Just a moment, please. Go and decorate the sitting room for the moment!

- Just a moment, please. It would dry down on us.

- What did I say?! - Oh, excuse me.

Bouf, Bouf...!

What were we talking about? Ah, that I forgot to introduce myself.

- Surely you'll offer the lady a chair, Sir.

- I beg your pardon? - A chair, Sir!

- Yes, yes. A chair? An arm-chair, of course!

Madam.

What you did in that wood is the limit, Sir.

- Me? Surely! It was the horse! - That horse was more polite

than you, Sir. - He's a thoroughbred, Lieutenant.

Helena dear! My little blossom, come here!

Felix!

Felix! Madam...

Excuse me!

Please excuse me, a deaf uncle.

- I can see that's you have an interesting family, Sir.

- No...

- It will not happen again, Sir. Felix is holding him down.

- Well, you will apologize at once and refund the lady for the damaged hat.

- Right.

Madam, I apologize as devoutly as if I had eaten up that hat myself.

As for my horse, he was quite satisfied with nibbling at the leaves,

when suddenly that hat got in his way.

It's always a bit of a risk to hang one's hat on a tree, madam.

You must take better care of your hat whilst you're having fun

in the bushes with the Lieutenant. - How dare you!

- Don't break my chair, man!

- The Lieutenant is my cousin. We wanted to have a little talk.

And you felt the hat to be in your way. - Yes.

Emil, do wind this up, you know I'm in a hurry.

- Madam, you're not in half the hurry I'm in.

And that is why I repeat, and clearly: I apologize.

To punish my horse I'll send it to the galleys. Is that enough?

No!

You will get this lady a new hat at once!

- You must be mad, I'm getting married in a minute.

- You don't say!

And that lady in the wood was naturally your bride.

- I don't take my bride into the woods...

- Thats's what I wanted to hear!

- Son-in-law! - Good heavens!

- Here we are, son-in-law! - Do stay here! Be quiet!

This is no way to behave!

My dear son-in-law, your behaviour is impossible.

- You see, I...

- The wedding guests are waiting downstairs and you haven't that

much politeness in you to welcome them on the threshold of your own house.

- I... really... - Apologize to her!

- I'll be most happy to. - Look here!

- Ouch! - She's crying. Don't cry!

- How could I have come down into the street?! I'm still...

- Actually, it's like this. We can change our minds

about the whole wedding, no problem.

- Do that, uncle! Do that! - You mind your business, will you?

Just a moment!

- Who's that? - What business of yours is it?

What's happening? - Ah, the happy moment is here!

Helena dear! My dearest little girl. - Felix!

- She's still a child. - Catch him!

Take him downstairs and into the cab! - Who's that?

My father's brother. - My dear boy...

is that the way to behave to your own uncle?

- What about coming in.

Let's not continue with this roughhouse out here. Please come in.

No, no! Not in there! The decorators still haven't finished in there.

- Come along! Decorators...

But there are decorators in here too, son-in-law!

- Go and join your workmates! You can finish off later.

Mates... - What mates?

- The customer is always right. To our mates. Bouffon, Durant!

- Our mates will get a surprise. - Go on, go on!

And again I've...

Bobbin, put that bottle down and take the myrtle!

Dear son-in-law! - Yes, yes, yes.

- This is for you, it's raspberry juice. But our raspberry juice!

From our own juices.

- Thank you, thank you very much. And what's this?

- The symbol of innocence. You... stupid...

Well. Gosh!

There's nothing to be done, my girl, you'll have these boots off me.

Uncle? - Well.

- He hasn't apologized yet, mind we don't forget in all this bustle!

- That's right. Son-in-law!

Well then, please forgive me, Helena dear, I do apologize most abjectly.

Daddy, what shall I tell him?

- Just a moment! There's somebody knocking.

How much longer am I to wait?! Come here at once!

Just a moment please, I'll be right back!

Please take yourselves off elsewhere, gentlemen. You can finish off later.

- I'm sorry, but we'll never finish the decorations at this rate!

Really...

Of course. Bouffon, Durant...!

You are keeping us, Sir!

- Sir, if there's anybody keeping anybody else, it's...

- The lady should have been at home quite some time ago.

- Dear God! Why doesn't she go, then! - Without a hat?

Ah! I understand. The lady is married!

Ah, I see now. Well, really.

- Calm down, Sir! Calm down!

You'll go and get this lady a new hat this very minute.

- Forgive me, but I do think you're childish.

I'm getting married, my bride and her father are waiting next door.

- Is that so? - Yes!

- I'll go and tell them at once who you were with in the wood, in that case.

- You'll spoil my wedding plans, man alive!

- What do I care.

- But I care very much indeed about this wedding.

- Right, you can take your choice.

Either the wedding or the hat. - My hat!

Emil, Emil... Emil!

- All right, you can depend on me. I'll get the hat.

- When?

Son-in-law! - I said that you'll get

your hat, madam.

Who was that, son-in-law? - That was the parquet man.

- It was an officer, uncle. - Yes, that's right,

but now he lays parquet floors...

...for officers. The international situation, and all that. You know.

They are made redundant and have to look for jobs anywhere.

- Do you hear that? I always say we are better off the country,

because people will always be wanting cabbage. What is this?

- Daddy... - What is it now?

- Something's biting me. - Wait, cousin!

Really, how dare you, young man?!

- Calm down, son-in-law... These two grew up together!

- If I were to paw about all the people I grew up with...

I'll do it myself. Now then, son-in-law,

you can wait with this sort of thing until after the wedding!

- After the wedding! - So he can and I can't? Felix!

- Yes, Sir. - Bobbin, my boot!

That damn boot!

Here, Sir. - Damn it, a pin, hell's blazes,

we should have been in front of the Town Hall ages ago

and you're just skipping around to no account all the time. Son-in-law,

look here, this way... - All right, and who's keeping me?

Would you kindly turn round?! So that I can...

- Don't peep! Time enough for that after the wedding.

And actually, let's go and wait downstairs in front

of the house, children. Come along.

Emil, I fear this will end in a catastrophe.

Had I had any inkling of what... I'd have...

Really, how dare you?! The wedding guests have gone, now it's your turn.

Now then, look here, Lieutenant, you are now going to leave,

you'll buy the lady a hat and the lady is going home.

I'll pay the bill tomorrow, because I don't happen to have any money.

And now will you kindly hop it.

And quick, please! - No, no, no!

- How dare you?! - I'm not moving a step without a hat!

Noooo. - Water.

Brandy's better. Help yourself.

- You're right.

Brandy. - Water's better.

My hat, Emilio! - I give you a quarter of an hour.

If you don't come back with a hat, it'll be the end.

- A quarter of an hour? You must be mad!

Go and find one yourself, you're not as pressed for time as I am.

- No, I have to take care of madam.

- Yes, but you can't stay here. - I'm sorry.

- You certainly cannot stay here. - I can't?

I'll show you if I can or not!

- Do calm down, Emilio! - I cannot bear resistance!

Pull yourself together, Lieutenant.

All right, you said a quarter of an hour, I'll see to it.

I'll give my valet his orders right away,

luckily I have a telephone installed. Felix! Felix!

Emilio, no! No... - I'll show him!

Ah, the decorators!

What's happening? Why aren't we on our way yet?

- We are waiting for your nephew.

- You don't say, the plague in Bengal?

And the newspapers haven't printed a word.

- Mummy, that man's stupid. - Do you want your face slapped?!

- Clothilde... - You'd do better to look about.

This is a street lamp, you know? It is lighted up by night.

I think I'll go and shoot him.

- That's right, uncle.

- Oh, no, you don't. Just you forget it, will you.

We'll go and fetch him down. I'll show him, just you wait and see.

Look at the scoundrel.

Son-in-law, permit me to introduce your new relatives.

- I hope it's not too lengthy a matter, we don't want to be kept any longer.

- Now you're in a hurry!

Come here, everybody! - Helena!

A straw hat with green clovers, you know, four-leafed clovers.

Like this.

You don't have such a hat? Are you sure?

If you're sure. Thank you.

The quarter of an hour has passed, kindly check!

You don't have a straw hat

with four-leafed clovers?

Oh, I see. Who?

Baroness de Champigny? Ah, yes, thanks.

- Felix!

A knife! - A kitchen knife?

- A kitchen knife. - A kitchen knife.

What do you mean to do, Emilio? - Wait and see!

Here, Sir.

What are you doing, Sir? - I'm destruction personified.

- Pull yourself together, Emil!

Madam, you'd do best to cover your chest!

No, please... please stop it!

Really, Sir! It's all borrowed from the pawnshop!

My master will have a fit, Sir!

- Nooo... - In your shoes I'd run

and get your master, and tell him to hurry.

Emil, Emil, my bronchitis!

And as it is also our wish

for the whole of human society to be filled with happiness,

in just the same way we wish these two people,

who love each other with an innocent love, to find happiness.

Because private happiness is the basis of general happiness,

in just the same way as the family is the basis of the State.

And that is why, and that is emphatically

why we are keeping in mind during this festive moment,

when with the ratification of the lawful marriage between these two people,

these young and clean living citizens

Monsieur Maurice Fadinard and Miss Helena Nonancourt,

we place the foundation stone for a future family...

- How is it going?

- The Mayor's still talking.

- You don't say, an earthquake in Switzerland?

Poor Matterhorn, That'll be and end of him.

...for the whole of human society.

Will the bride and bridegroom now step up, please.

Stop that, will you! - Oh, well, that's nothing.

I am asking you, Mr Maurice Fadinard... - Pss, pss, pss, pss!

Hey, hey, come here! Come here! - I am asking you here and now, in front

of the witnesses Monsieur Charles Loraine and Monsieur Julien Darbudaet,

who know of nothing that could stand in the way to your...

- What? What does he want? ...marriage according to state law.

- What is it?

- He's tearing up the flat, cutting up the furnishings.

...do you take this woman,

Helena Nonancourt voluntarily as your lawfully wedded wife?

Just a moment, please.

The furniture we've borrowed from the pawnshop?

- What?

- I say... And what about the hat? - There's only one hat of that kind

in whole city and that belongs to Baroness de Champigny.

- Right, I'll write her a letter. - I'll wait.

- What on earth is going on? - I say, son-in-law, this is the limit!

- Just a moment, I'll be free right away.

- Just a minute! - You don't have a pencil, do you?

Look, he has. - Good.

- Mayor, please tell that man to go away, he is disturbing the ceremony.

- Uncle... - Son-in-law, I call you to order!

- Go and give this to the Baroness, I'll be there right away,

just as soon as this is over. Bye.

- So you didn't hear, right? That means a definite end.

- Have the marriage annulled, uncle! - Do calm down, if you please.

Do please calm down! - Helena, come.

It won't be long and then we'll be married and everybody will be happy.

Please, darling.

Let's continue. What were you just saying?

I shall ask you for the last time. Do you take this woman voluntarily

as your lawfully wedded wife? - Very happy to.

- I'm not asking you whether you're happy to or not happy to.

I just want to hear,, yes".

- That'll be a pleasure.

I told you that I just want to hear,, yes".

- I understand. - Now then.

I ask you, Miss Helena Nonancourt,

do you take this man... - Jesus Christ, Bernard!

- I ask you, Miss Helena Nonancourt...

- Son-in-law, go and throw him out this very minute!

...this man... - What is it now?

- I haven't got any money for the cabman.

...do you take this man...

I ask you... I ask you... ask you... - Sorry.

Excuse me, you don't happen to have two francs on you, do you?

- Now then, I ask you, Miss Nonancourt, do you take these two francs...

...I mean this francs standing here... - Thanks a lot, pay you back tomorrow.

- Now then... may I ask you,

do you take this man voluntarily? - That's enough,,, yes".

Yes. - I therefore proclaim you

man and wife.

Emil, surely that's enough, isn't it?

No! No! - You stay here, Anais.

Stand aside! - Good heavens, Sir, what are you doing?

- You can see, can't you.

Bouffon! Bouffon, where are you going? What... What is this?

What do you want to do? After all time this is...

- You'll see! - Wait!

Emil!

Oh, sorry, the Lieutenant has gone, has he?

Well, in a way.

Who was that?

That lady? I thought you knew who it is.

Which one of you was it?! I'll take you all on, one after the other!

- Halt! Come here! Who was it?

- Bouffon, why don't you confess.

- Is this the respect you have for the colonial army, you rascal?!

- You must admit that this way we'd never finish the job, boss.

May I? - I tamed the rebels of Benghazi.

- Excuse me, please.

But he must be here, nowhere else.

Ah, Emil!

Gentlemen, let's leave it! Let's leave it!

For God's sake, what are you... A doctor! A doctor! A doctor!

A doctor! - I'll see to it, Sir.

- Just a moment!

Take this uniform to the cleaner's.

And what about your master? - At this moment...

- Has he got the hat yet? - At this moment he is sure to be

with the Baroness de Champigny.

He is said to be a marvellous man.

A marvellous man. - And how much did you offer Nisardi?

- You'll be surprised, three thousand. - Well,

and is the great master coming to sing for us?

- He sent me a note.

The fee is too low, he says. Never mind, we'll come to an agreement.

- They say he has the most beautiful tenor in the world.

- Nisardi!

Brussels lay at his very fest. - For him.

- He sang at a private party for a thousand francs.

- I wonder what he'll be charging from you?

- You know my weakness for artists, my dear friend.

- Yes. - I shall give him anything

he asks of me.

- But mind, he's said to be extremely passionate!

- That's an understatement! An understatement!

The things I heard tell of him

dreadful... Dreadful!

- There's a gentleman outside who wishes to speak to the Baroness.

- That is he! He is so punctual.

Dear friends, the great maestro, Mr Nisardi is here.

Welcome, Maestro!

Baroness de Champigny? - Yes.

- I wrote you a note, Madam. - I know.

- I sent you such a... - Such a little card, I know.

- Yes.

- I shall give you anything you may wish.

- I shall be modest, madam, I'll be satisfied with a hat.

Bravo, he's as good as his reputation, dear Nasardi.

I beg your pardon?

That'll be best.

- Every wish you may utter I shall fulfil.

- Well, madam, that's why I'm here. - No, no, no, no, no, no thanks.

Madam, I know not how to express everything

that at a moment such as this...

Do leave off! ...I feel.

Believe me, you cannot imagine what such a man is capable of,

when he lets passion and fury off the leash.

- I can.

- You cannot imagine the ruthlessness with which he is capable

of despoiling and pillage. - Yes.

- And I have all that as a millstone round my neck.

- You exaggerate, but it'll beautiful.

- Well, very beautiful indeed, madam. But still I am of the opinion

that in the first place we should have...

How do you know where my bedroom is?

Come along then, you lovely beast!

- Madam, you will see how grateful I can be.

Go on, go on, go on!

Have a good time in the meanwhile, dear friends.

The Maestro must practise a little, to get into form.

The coachman said that this is where he brought my son-in-law.

- He walks off without a word, as if he didn't know us.

- Come along! - We deliver lettuce to this house...

- Where are we going, anyway? Is it a restaurant?

- That remains to be seen. - You don't say, an attempt on his life?

Poor woman, that minister's wife, she must look a fright.

- Is he daft or isn't he? - Helena dear, now come along...

Bobbin, leave off... will you! I've already told you about this...

- I'm hungry. - Come on!

Come along then, come on! This is some posh place.

- Maybe this is the restaurant called The Old Ape Inn.

- You know, that's probably where we are.

Just look, to arrange the wedding feast in such a place,

that's him all over. He's certainly not stingy.

- Now then, children, I'd like you to know

that this is where we deliver our lettuce.

Our Italian salad Roselino pettito.

- A flood? You don't say. Oh God, what a lot of water!

- Oh... - I say!

- Waiter, can you please tell us,

has that gentleman with the bouquet arrived?

- He came in a short while ago. I am sure you mean the Maestro, Mr Nisardi.

- Just a minute, is this the Old Ape's place?!

- You are evidently acquainted with Madam.

Sure thing, Bernard, the very best in restaurants.

But what was that he said about some Nisardi?

- Oh that's nothing important, people evidently come here often under

an assumed name, so that they wouldn't be bothered while they're eating, see.

- What can I do for you?

Howdy. - Our respects.

- You are friends of Maestro Nisardi's? - Yes, Madam.

- Ah, you are his retinue? You are the accompanist?

- Well, whatever you'd like to call it.

- On what? - Carriages mostly,

a couple of cabs too I mean horses. - Who are you, actually?

- Madam, does the name Rosselino pettito mean anything to you?

- Ah, Rosselino petitto, is that you?

- Let's leave it, she's absolutely idiotic.

- Take them into the drawing-room!

- Ah, the manageress, goodbye then. - And now I don't want to be disturbed.

Here I am. Where are you?

Oh, here you are.

I must assure you that your retinue is very interesting.

They all behave in such a light-hearted way.

That Rosselini pettito of yours is quite a simple man,

but very nice indeed.

- I beg your pardon? - What a lot of friends you have.

And did you adopt that little boy?

How noble of you.

- They are here? - About fifteen of them.

- Ah, excuse me. - So what, let's have a party.

- Dearest madam la Baroness, a party that's about the last thing

I'd be interested in right now. It's the hat I'm after.

- Afterwards. - Afterwards? After what?

- Oh, don't pretend to be shy. My hate are in the closet, over there.

- Exactly. I'd like...

- But now we are in my bedroom. - But I'd like to...

My dearest madam, Baroness... - Oh Nisardi,

you said that I cannot imagine what a man is capable of when rent.

The despoiling and the pillage! - Dearest Madam la Baroness,

you are absolutely right.

Jesus Christ, that... - Oh, Nisardi, despoil and pillage me!

- Dearest Madam la Baroness, I am very sorry,

but I am not able to do you this service,

you see I am as gentle as a lamb. Actually, I came, for the hat.

- Is that so?! - If you would kindly permit me to...

I'd get it myself... - But you seduced the Comtess Bray

in fifteen minutes!

You raped the Marquise de Surgis during the drive from the hotel to the Opera.

And you tore off the Duchess de Saint's dress in the box at the theatre.

I think I shall be offended.

- But you must have a little consideration for...

- At least do what you did to the Duchess...

Tear them off? - Tear them off.

Ah, continue... more...

The sleeve? - The sleeve.

Ah, what a wonderful vandal you are. More!

- Madam, would you like me to souse you with petrol?

- No, no, no! I don't like that.

- Oh, one of the Countesses I lighted up was very pleased with my job

when she went down in flames.

Next time.

As you please. I'll be right back.

Thank you, gentlemen. The fury that arose between us has been blown away

by the humanitarian feelings

evoked by the sight of this poor human being.

- Well, we're men, aren't we. And when a lady's in trouble.

- The doctor, gentlemen. Can I bring him in?

- No, I would be compromised. - Well...

- We shall disappear, dearest! - Bouffon, Durant...!

Get out, quick!

Away with you, hurry!

This way, madam.

How are you feeling, madam? Does your husband know?

- Calm down, calm down! - No, he doesn't know anything.

- I know Mr Fadinard, poor man, what a shock.

And on the very day of his wedding, too.

Please permit me to take this opportunity

of congratulating you, Mrs Fadinard.

- Your instruments, doctor. - Can you get... a sheet?

- That's simple... - We must wrap her in a cold sheet.

- Yes, right away. - No, you want to take my clothes off?

- It's absolutely necessary, madam. An attack... An attack such as this

there could be another. - No!

- Dear God! - You'll be feeling better...

...you'll be able to breathe better, madam.

- Here, doctor.

- Run to the apothecary's!

- The apothecary's. - The apothecary's.

Dear God! And hurry!

Hush! It's very serious... I'm off for some drugs...

- Do drop in at the tailor's, surely my uniform should be ready by now.

- Yes, of course, Sir. - I'd like to go, but you must admit,

gentlemen, that like this I can't very well.

- In your underpants. - Somebody could notice.

- Bouffon, Durant...!

Excuse me, but we still have a lot of work to do.

My name is Dubois, I've come for my money.

Hurry up, I haven't got any time to waste!

- You must be wanting Mr Fadinard. - That's you, surely?

Don't you make a fool of me. No, I just happen to be here. Quite by chance.

- In a dressing gown and underwear? Do you think I'm a fool?

You're a cheat and a liar!

- You take care I don't hit you in the nose, Sir!

- What? Refusing to pay your debts and now this?

- This is mine. - Three thousand, something at least.

- Give it back to me! - What's going on in here?

- Give me that at once!

- I'll get the money together sooner or later.

- What's going on in here?

- Just look at that, a thief.

- So you've asked in a gang of gangsters to guard your property, is that so?!

- Whom did you call a gangster?

Your wedding must have over-excited you.

- I can't even remember it.

- Oh dear... this is worse than I thought... loss of memory.

Mrs Fadinard? - Please go away, Sir!

- I will, I will. I'm just taking what belongs to me.

My jewellery... - What is this supposed to mean?

Go away at once, gentlemen!

Madam's state of health is a very serious matter.

It's really very, very serious! - Whom did you call a gangster!

- How dare you? - You rogue!

- Calm down, Bouffon! - I'll chop you in two like lizard!

- Be sensible, gentlemen! - Emilio, my jewellery...!

He said he's only a visitor in this house.

- Bouffon, come and put him in here!

There's a hole! - Into the black hole with you!

- How dare you, you... - We'll teach you!

- You think I'm going to let you get away with this...?!

This is going to cost you dear, you rogues!

Open up! Open up!

Let me out! Let me out!

- What is it?

- Some guy called Dubois, wanted some money.

- Dear God, Mr Dubois!

Excuse me please, gentlemen!

Just a moment, Mr Dubois!

- Wait! - It won't be a moment, Mr Dubois!

- How much longer? - This damned lock!

- Let me out! Let me out! - Madam,

put this into your ears and try and go to sleep.

It will take about five days before you are well, but we'll cure you.

- Nooo.

What are you doing here? - Come here, little one!

- Maestro... Maestro... - The hat!

- Which hat? - The straw hat with the clover.

- What for? - For the voice chords.

The Baroness has it. Where is it? - She hasn't.

The Baroness gave it to Madam Beauperthuise.

The Baroness is her godmother. - Such a hat?

- Yes, Maestro, yes. - Her address?

- Rue de Blasque number eleven, Maestro. Maestro...

Just a moment! Yes... right away. - Open up at once, do you hear?

Where is he? Where is he?

Where is the man? Nisardi! Where is he?

Ah, madam, I kiss your hand. - Oh, Nisardi! Nisardi!

- He's not Nisardi at all, madam la Manageress. It's his nom de plume.

He's actually our son-in-law, Fadinard. - And who are you, then?

- You order our salad. The firm Nonancourt.

- Salad. Sa... - And as far as I remember,

madam la Manageress, you still owe us for June. Goodbye.

- Hold them back! And search them all thoroughly!

This one, too! - You see, what you've got us into.

- Uncle, I... - Oh, pistols!

There, you see what their plans were.

Where is that man who calls himself Nisardi?

- Here! Here!

- Follow me!

Ah, another one! Search him at once!

- How dare you?!

Take the bridesmaids and... ...We'll take Clothilde too...

We have to get going, and quick! Helena, get them all together and come out,

we'll gather in front of the house. - Yes, yes. In front of the house.

The whole wedding party, all get going,

because there's going to be trouble in this place.

Clothilde, I said take the bridesmaids and this... and into the cabs.

And that's the end of our salad deliveries, that's that!

Amo, amo,

amo, amo,

amore mio.

Amo, amo,

amo, amo,

amore mio.

Amo, amo,

amo, amo,

amore mio.

A - mo - re... - Carry him out!

Amoooo...

Ouch, it's boiling hot, dear God! - I'm sorry, Sir, I didn't mean to...

- What was my wife wearing when she left the house this morning?

Awhite dress and that beautiful straw hat.

- That one? One doesn't wear a hat like that when

one goes shopping. When did she leave? - In the morning.

- At what time? - About eight.

There, and it's evening now. Wait!

I want to see if she isn't at Madam Crominet's by any chance, go and see.

And if she's not there, I'll call the police.

And hurry! - Yes, Sir.

What a pity that I haven't any time.

Ah! Her ladyship has returned.

Come along in, Anais!

I hope that you'll be able to give me a good explanation.

How is that possible, that you're back this late?

- I couldn't come any earlier, I only got the address a few minutes ago.

- What address? Great God, who are you?

Fadinard Maurice, private gentleman, non-soldier.

State of health: Absolute exhaustion.

- And what do you want here? - I have to talk to madam.

- You know her? What have you two got in common?

- I don't have anything with her, but she has...

- With you? ...a certain item in her wardrobe

that I am in pressing need of. - She is not at home!

- She isn't...? How's that? - How's what... How's what?

Haw dare, you ask me.

Leave this house this very minute or I'll call the police!

Ah! I won't call the police!

I'll throw you out, my man. How dare you!

The consequences are your own doing.

By the way, where is madam's wardrobe? Ah, yes.

Just look at this, posh, what. - He must be here!

- Helena dear, look, all this... - The cab's in front of the house.

...will be yours.

- What an idea, taking those pistols with you...

You can't be surprised that they threw you out.

- But it's not my fault, uncle!

- It isn't, is it, well whose fault is it,

then, mine or Uncle Charles? Whose? You...

Listen, you ask which is to be our room! I have to put Pascal to bed.

- There's an empty bed, you can put Pascal in that.

- Come along, quick!

Now then, come along my little lamb! Come to uncle! Come to bye-byes!

Cootchie cootchie coo.

But we are somewhere quite different this time, uncle.

- Elsewhere, really, Bobbin,

this happens to be the house he bought for us today.

- Our house! - Our house!

Just look, children! - Oooh.

- But it is nice of him, isn't it now. A pair of boots.

Come along, Bobbin! Help me put them on! Hold this!

Ah, that's...

...better.

Helena dear, what a relief! Show me!

And now come on, I'll hand you over, dear little daughter,

at last I'll hand you over to your lawful wedded husband.

- Don't do it, uncle! Don't do it!

- Son-in-law!

Ah, come along, daughter dear!

In you go.

Goodbye, cousin!

- But seriously, you should tell her the facts of life,

it's really high time you did.

You are a greengrocer, so why don't you give her an example

from the realm of flowers.

- Oh, it'll work out somehow, Clothilde, believe me.

I'll kill that man. There'll be a murder in this place.

Here's the myrtle, dear daughter, the symbol of your innocence.

- Do you think Monsieur Fadinard will believe in it?

- Well, that's an old wedding custom. I can't change it.

But that Bobbin - dash Bobbin...

- What when Mr Fadinard find out and gets furious?

- There's nothing anybody will be able to do about it then.

You'll just have to smile and bear it.

- How can you be so harsh with the poor innocent child,

she doesn't even know what's in store for her.

- Oh...

- Instead of telling her what it's all about, you just shout at her.

Look darling, Mr Fadinard is a sort of butterfly

and you're his flower, see. Mr Fadinard will come flying to you

and he'll sit on you... - Sit?

- You'll only miss the girl up! Please leave off, come on!

- No, no, leave me alone, Bernard!

I must explain to her. She must know what's in store for her.

The butterfly... ...that is to say Mr Fadinard...

...doesn't only have feet... ...he also has...

- Clothilde, I'm telling you to come away.

What sort of feet Mr Fadinard has, that's not your problem at all!

Please be a good girl and come away!

Come! - I'll put the light out, my dear.

- Come away, Clothilde!

- It will... it will be better this way.

Jesus Christ! Get up! Get out! And quick, out with you!

Madam... ...come along...

Chasing us of the flat... Us, his family?

- We're not posh enough for him, that's what.

- He feels we stink of nature.

- I'll kill him, uncle. - You could stop that blabber.

- I'll kill him, all the same. - That would be just about the limit.

I - a widower, my daughter a widow. Do use your brain, my boy!

- It was a mistake to have given her to him, Bernard.

- It's too late to think about it now.

You're suddenly full of good advice when it's too late.

- Have you never heard of such a thing as advice?

Where is everybody?

Help! Where are you?

My heart...

I'm telling you that a divorce will be best way out.

- I'd congratulate myself if I were you, Bernard.

Clothilde, that was a marvellous idea with the divorce.

- She can't expect any happiness with a man like that.

- If you think, a divorce is right, then I think it should be done right away.

- All right then, right away.

But in that case we shouldn't have left her there, don't you think?

- That's true. And she could have stayed a virgin.

- Upstairs again, quick!

Monsieur Fadinard? Are you asleep?

Daddy!

Again? This is a hold-up!

How on earth did you get in here? My man...

Call the police! Call the police!

- Great heavens!

Well, son-in-law, what are you standing about for like this?

What are you thinking of at a time like this? Why don't you kill him?

- What do you want in my home? - In our home, surely.

- In my home! - Surely in your home, son-in-law!

- In my home! - Yeah, in his home.

- Go away or I shall my balance! I'll lose my sense, too!

Because I have some weapons in my bedside table, I warn you!

- In which one? - That one.

- Pass them over!

How dare you... What... what... - There you are!

Hands up! Out into the passage! Out, everybody!

Not you! Stay here! Out!

You too, Bob!

I want neither your life, nor your property.

I need your wife's straw hat. And fast.

I know for sure that your wife has such a straw hat, only I can't find it.

- And why does it have to be a straw hat?

- I'll tell you how it is:

My horse ate up a certain lady's straw hat.

Yes, my horse... In a wood outside town.

That lady was there, in that wood... with a Lieutenant of the Colonial Army.

Yes, but right now she's in my flat with the Lieutenant

and they are refusing to leave.

The lady is waiting for me to procure another hat of the same type in order

for her to be able to return home,

otherwise that jealous husband of hers will chop her to bits.

Listen, that's a really amusing story.

What did the lady look like? - Nothing special, the type that's two

to the dozen. A boring type of blonde. - What was she wearing?

- Such... a white dress trimmed with pink, lace

and stuff.

- Where do you live? - Rue de Mort number thirteen.

- Rue de Mort... - Why do you ask?

- Rue de Mort number thirteen.

All, right Rue de Mort let it be...

Give me that pistol and let's go! - Where?

- To your house. Something terrible is about to happen.

- What?

- Murder. Because that lady in your flat happens to be my wife!

With a Lieutenant. The strumpet!

Come her! Come on down!

I didn't find madam. - That's right.

Order a coffin, candles, a wreath and all that.

Has anybody died?

Are you feeling better, madam?

How can I be feeling better?

It is night and I'm still without a hat...

My husband will be sure to have had the police search for me by now.

- She is getting worse by the minute.

She is wandering. We must give her some electric shock treatment.

It's the newest method.

Have you got a switch a wire about, somewhere?

- Open up at once, I am suffocating!

- Just keep calm, nothing can happen. There's a doctor in the house.

- I am suffocating! - I know.

What about that uniform?

- They promised to send a messenger boy over with it.

At last! That's him.

Felix? So you have a job with the new owner of this flat?

Er... Yes. But unfortunately Monsieur Fadinard is somewhere in...

...Persia by now.

So that's the way it is. He had his little nest decorated and then the bird

goes and does the bunk, and all the way to Persia.

- He's here. He'll be back in a minute.

- From Persia...

So you are the new owner of this flat? I seem to have met you somewhere before.

- But of course, I was in the wood this morning.

- Oh! And you bought this flat? - Yes, this is our new flat.

- In that case why don't you pay us, Monsieur?

- The money's in Persia.

- I see you took over everything including his dressing gown.

Mr Fadinard forgot to return my jewellery.

It got undone, the clasp doesn't work very well.

- We know all that. But that piece of jewellery happens

to be in a certain gentleman's pocket.

And that gent is looked up in the closet and that closet

also, unfortunately, has a bad lock.

- Well then, will you bring it to me tomorrow?

- What if I did you the service instead?

- Why not, I don't mind.

Goodbye.

Holy Mary, you here? - How come you didn't leave?

- Yeah, I didn't leave, and I find it odd too.

Thank you.

Well, actually, I did leave, you see. But the Shah's busy.

Just imagine, I arrived there, and the Shah was just about to start on...

- How's that, that you're here. You lied to me!

Yes, you want to get rid of me, because you have another girl!

- No! Well... no... please don't bother me.

It's a matter of life and death for two people right now.

- No, Sir, it's only our money that's a important just now.

- No, Bouffon, the gentleman is our customer!

This way. - Lieutenant,

it is my sad duty to announce

that you will be dead within five minutes.

- Me? Permit me to laugh.

I am sure you'll manage to make Monsieur Beauperthuis laugh too.

He's rushing over this very minute in order to kill you and his wife.

Beauperthuis?

What do you suggest in that case, Sir? - Now the, Maurice, I...

- That you devote your attentions to this lady... Lisette...!

...and that you disappear with her this instant.

At least in here.

Lisette... Lisette, darling... - Maurice... Maurice...

- Yes, Sir. - That's an order.

He's here. Come along! Come along!

Son-in-law, this is the end.

Ah, doctor Croissant! What are you doing here?

Your wife's state of health is very serious indeed.

You may come and see her, but be very careful.

What, son-in-law? Are you married to two women?

But this is some nonsense, of course not.

- This is the end, of course!

- Good heavens, father-in-law...

- Stop calling me,, father-in-law", son-in-law!

I shall take this into court! You'll be punished and divorced too!

- Yes! Let's take our wedding presents and go!

Where are they? - Who?

- The presents.

- In there!

- Let's go!

What have you done to me, doctor?! - Really, you owe me two hundred

and fifty francs for treating your wife and for drugs for me.

- That's the other one! - Aren't you ashamed of yourself?!

Having a husband like a negro chieftain? - Where are the presents?

- But she's got a sheet round her that comes from Helena's a trousseau!

Pascal, turn round!

- Leave her alone, let her be. She is delirious

and you behave like this... You should be shamed of yourselves!

She'll catch a cold! - You rascal!

To dishonour my dear cousin as you have!

- Oh no, not that! What if you hit one of us...?

Give it to me! - Please help me!

Let's lock him up next door! I'll pay you more, really I will, afterwards.

- Ah, that's different. Please come with us.

She needs absolute quiet. She is very sick indeed, she must have quiet.

So this is your husband. - Noooo!

- Yes, he's here all right.

- Gentlemen please come and help me! - Please calm down, madam Fadinard.

Please! - She must get out!

- Get out, where? - Yes, where?

- Do something with her. - But what?

- What about rolling her up in the carpet?

- But...

I protest as a physician and scientist!

I protest! Keep calm, Madam Fadinard!

- Lay her down... down...! - Start rolling her, roll her up,

we'll get a premium! Roll her up! - I protest, I protest!

As a physician and scientist...

- Disappear, and fast! I'll keep him a while in the hall.

- She needs quiet... - Quiet!

Where are they? - Who?

- Don't try to make me look a fool! Where is my wife and that officer.

- Felix! Is there a lady here,

and actually with an officer? - A lady? With an officer...

- This is conspiracy! To the wall you go!

- But I... - Quiet!

I am going to search the flat and then you'll see what's coming.

Hell!

Ah, here you are!

Who's in there? - Me.

Ah! So it's you, is it, you rogue.

Anais, open up! This is Albert. Anais!

The lock is stuck!

- I'm not that naive, they are in there. I know that.

- There's somebody in there? - Monsieur Dubois.

No! Stop!

So here you are! Hands up. How is it that you're not in uniform, Lieutenant?

Where is my wife? - I shall file charges,

Monsieur Fadinard. - Mr Fadinard is here.

- You? - Unfortunately. I...

- My patience has come to an end. The cup has run over.

All right, I'll get a floor mop.

Halt! If you don't pay up all the money you owe me within one minute

beginning now, the next minute will see your end!

- Excuse me, but can we solve all these problems one after the other.

You, Monsieur Beauperthuis, can leave really you can.

Your wife is not here.

- You are standing on her. - I see.

Felix, you tell us, is there a lady in this flat?

Here?

Sorry, I've got the hiccups.

Do you happen to have some bicarbonate of soda on you?

I'll be seeing you at court, Sir! - It'll be a pleasure.

The Lieutenant's uniform, all clean. I am to get thirty-five francs.

- Wait! Ahh, you see how short the lie.

Put that uniform... silence put that uniform down, my boy and stand still!

I'll find him.

Ha, a house of shame!

A secret house of vice! - There!

- Well, well. The police will have something to say about this.

- There!

- Just look at it, they even have customers from the country.

Terrible goings on, even children! All the men rank up in single file!

I'll find the fiend who brought my wife down

into this moral morass.

All the men... there now. And not only a den of vice, even hazard!

Here! You too. Well, hurry up!

All men - file up - here!

All of you. I'll show you. Tricksters, too. Here, over here.

You too. All of you standing here, come over here.

Here! Here!

- I protest, I protest. - No protesting!

- As a physician and scientist...

- You, come here! - How dare you!

- A dare all right. Not you! Go away!

You stay! Go away! You stay!

Come here, my boy! Would you know the Lieutenant?

- I never saw him, Sir.

I'm to have thirty-five francs for cleaning the uniform, Sir.

- Unfortunately I have no change on me at the moment.

- What? What did he say? You said you'd have the money this afternoon.

- Halt! You can settle that afterwards!

Here!

Here!

Come here, my boy!

And you put on this uniform, Sir.

And quick, I'm a busy man!

And you can start trembling right now if it fits you.

Ah! The merrymaking has begun.

Are you part of the family too? I haven't met you yet.

- Take him away, Felix! - Back to your place!

- You stink a bit, my boy. - Go into the other room and keep quiet.

- What, a cloudburst in Savoy? Oh, the poor sheep.

What a happy meeting, dear family!

- Son-in-law, I warn you, you haven't heard the end of this yet!

- We happen to know the Judge!

- What, do we... We deliver his carrots! You can't get one over on us!

- Helena! She's crying, the dear child!

Her happiness... She is overcome by her happy day.

But... Helena dear, I haven't given you my present yet.

Helena dear, you will be pleased. Come along, my lambs!

Here... Helena dear, just look!

There we are...

Do you like it? - I do.

The hat! Give it to me!

Have you ever seen such a thing?! - Unheard of meanie!

Daddy, why is he so mean to me? - I thought him to be a gallant man,

and yet there can surely be no worse ruffian in the world than he.

What enjoyment did the poor child have in the whole wedding? None.

- What violin? - There now, you see!

Madam, I have a hat! And it's the very spit image of yours!

Here!

Oh! I have given up hope.

I'll hide it, madam. And when the air is clear, I'll come back.

- Thank you, you are such a gallant gentleman...

Maurice, what is all this supposed to mean, Persia and all-and everything?

- Just keep calm, darling, I'll tell you everything later.

Don't let anybody take that box, will you.

The Shah would be very angry.

Son-in-law! What is this supposed to mean, son-in-law?!

Ah! Here it is!

- Mr Fadinard said that nobody is to take that box.

- And actually, I don't need the box for anything.

Helena!

- Maurice! - Later, darling, I can't just now.

- But I only want to tell you that... - Leave me alone just now dearest,

afterwards! Later, sweetheart, later! - But I only want to tell you that...

- Later, later...

Aren't we born on a lucky star, madam.

When you have dressed, Madam, I shall take you out into the servants

stairway through the other room.

- Enough! That's enough, Sir! Please turn round.

Yes, of course.

Oh, sorry.

I am thinking, feverishly, madam. We must find some sort of solution.

I think that I have just hit upon a marvellous idea, madam.

Please listen to me.

You will walk out into the street down the servants stairway, you'll walk round

the house - the other hook - and you'll come back through the main entrance. You

will meet your husband in the hall - I'd help you with that, if you permit me?

You can tell your husband that you were looking for him at home,

but that your maid told you he had come here.

May I? Now?

I'd like to show you that wonderful hat.

Do up the buttons!

I can't.

You're lucky, my man.

Take it off!

- It shrank! - I'll kill you. My Sunday best uniform.

- I think you ought to thank me. - You'll try it on, won't you?!

- But, excuse me... - Another word and I pull the trigger!

- But I'm free to go, aren't I?! - You can go where you like.

And now you... you put it on!

Well... such a pretty

young divorce...!

Anybody would be pleased to have her.

Isn't she pleased, isn't she pleased...

No! Why are they doing that?

Hell's bells!

Open up! Open up...

Emilio...

Oh Emilio, I'm saved.

Ooops...

Oh, my hat! - Don't call it,, yours"!

Having one husband in common doesn't mean

that you have your wedding presents in common too!

Don't you touch me! - This just isn't possible, Emilio!

Don't you touch me, let me go, man alive!

- Please... - What is it?

- Maybe you'll at least be willing to lend her that hat,

when I explain our situation. - What situation, surely?

No...

Yes.

Well... oh...

Ah! I have you at last, Lieutenant.

Excuse me, but I... - Silence!

A single word and you'll be a corpse.

So? - Listen...

- How did you enjoy your affair with my wife?

You must be irresistible at certain moments.

When I imagine you drinking those adulterous kisses from her lips!

You thief, you trespasser in happy marriages!

You breaker-up of family life! You... you, Lieutenant!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

...of lawful marriage bonds,

closed by persons in authority who have full rights to such official deeds!

This concerns me?! Wait here.

One after the other, gentlemen. One after the other.

He threatened me with a pistol! - He has a den of hazard card games

and a secret house of shame. - This rogue has two wives.

- He owes me lots of money, Mayor. - Us too.

- Me too. - That's right.

- I know I know I know I know. He owes me two francs too.

First lay down your weapon and then we'll take it up all in the right order.

Son-in-law, all is forgiven you, you behaved like a gallant gentleman.

Helena, put your arms around him! He's a grand chap.

- Mayor...

- Did he take you in too or are you one of their gang?

- No no, I belong to him. He is my son-in-law

and I happen to be proud of the fact. There.

- Stand aside, you'll be arrested together with him.

- Why is that? - Let's start with you, doctor,

I'll have your complaint. I'll have your complaint.

- Father-in-law, you said this morning - I gave first aid...

- that you'd let me have the dowry right after the marriage ceremony.

My friend is in trouble,

and I would so like to help him out with a largish sum.

- I said I would, of course. I shall, dear son-in-law, here it is!

Now what...? - Thank you.

- A pleasure. - Thank you, father dear.

You see, this is the behaviour of a true gentleman.

Did you see that? He is helping his friend in need.

He is saving his friend from trouble, what an honour.

You see we... we simple people,

we never manage to behave in so gentlemanly a fashion.

- And will you speak now, Sir.

- I have nothing to say, everything is all right.

- And you? - The same here.

- I take everything back, Sir. - Me too.

What is this supposed to mean? Does anybody at all have a complaint to file?

Any complaints as far as Mr Fadinard is concerned or not?

- Yes. Mayor,

this morning Mr Fadinard's horse arte up the hat of my wife,

who was unfaithful to me with this here Lieutenant.

Are you a Lieutenant, Boss? - Oh, shit!

- Reserves.

My wife may not return home without her hat, and is therefore hiding out

in this flat. Here is proof of what I am saying, Mayor.

Albert, what on earth are you up to?

Anais?! - I was held up at my girl friend's.

And when I came home my maid told me you'd be here.

She's got her hat... - Yes, she's got her hat!

- Yes, she's got her hat. - She has indeed.

Yes, she's got her hat.

- She has a hat all right. - She's got her hat.

- And so what?

What are the saying?

- That the lady has a hat.

- Locusts, you don't say, what a to do!

I bet you he's real daft, mummy.

She has my hat.

She's got her hat... - And what has happened, actually,

can somebody tell me?

Your husband tried to mislead an official personage, madam.

- What were you about, really, Albert, I'm ashamed of you!

What happens now, daddy?

- Now, my dear children, now there's nothing in your way,

you'll be happy together till the end of your days.

Dear son-in-law, Helena, children. You may kiss each other!

Now then, children, do kiss each other, do!

The End