Original subtitles

Where we goin'?

To kill God.

How is the Christ Child?

You know I lost him, don't you?

He's gonna meet God. That's where he's meeting Him.

I want you to remember,

without me, God gets away with it.

Jesse, don't!

Let me go!

Alright?

Now it's your turn.

Just pick a spot.

And put it in your mind's eye.

You got it?

Now let it fly.

Hello.

Who am I?

Fiore.

Who are you?

Jesse Custer.

Right. Good.

Am I dead?

Yeah.

This is Heaven?

Well, it ain't the South of France.

Who is that?

I don't know. Some girl fishing.

Come on.

It's incredible.

Should have seen it before the war.

We told you about that. The Endless War?

Good and Evil. Heaven and Hell.

Meh.

And it was always tit for tat.

We'd win a battle, they'd win a battle,

but... nobody ever really won or lost.

Until God left.

And now, with Hell under new management...

I mean, don't get me wrong.

Jesus has been doing his best, but he's not... Hitler.

Doesn't really have that killer instinct.

Which brings us to you.

We're just... so... glad you're here.

Cool.

What's going on?

"What's going on?" I've just been telling you what!

Well, you told me "Jesus is no Hitler."

Okay. Good to know.

It's impossible.

I feel like I'm speaking monkey to a cow.

Right. Heaven is empty.

God is gone.

We want you...

...to take His place.

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My dear. You think maybe it...

Back in a minute.

It's a bad day on the oval for Brisbane.

The undefeated Magpies extend their win streak to seven.

Ugh, cheatin' bastards.

- Evening. - Evening.

The bell rung and I didn't know what to think.

I mean, out here at this hour, and so forth.

- Is everything alright? - Me and my friend...

we just had to pull over at the side of the road down there.

Ah, I see.

You're out of petrol, are you?

That what happened? You're out of petrol?

Yeah, of course.

Come on in. Let's get you sorted out.

Easy enough mistake to make with the petrol.

Done it myself last year.

You thirsty? I just fixed a lemon squash.

So, uh, yeah.

I was halfway to Perth before noticing

the tank was as dry as a nun's gasket.

Oh, mate.

I... I wish you wouldn't.

Those towels are the Missus'.

Where is the Missus?

With the Lord.

Cancer.

Hmm.

With the Lord, huh?

Good for her.

Your arm.

What happened?

Sunburn.

What do you want?

Well.

I came to eat your chickens.

Hello?!

Nothing?!

He wasn't home?

Nope.

But I know how to get Him.

Nothing for the Allfather?

The Allfather's business is the business of the Allfather.

Right.

Guess he's still away.

Attention, Grail personnel.

The modern miracles seminar for

will be held in conference room 6 at 10:00 AM Thursday.

No! Stop!

Stop!

Stop! Please!

Stop!

Five, four, three...

Is your household cat hacking into your bank account?

We're gonna sit down with an FBI agent

with some interesting thoughts, but first,

let's check-in with the day's top news.

Craig? Sounds like Rosie O'Donnell's

landed in hot water again?

Sorry, guys. I'm not reading this crap.

Not today.

You know, as a journalist...

or what's left of one after six years on this show...

I feel bound to talk about the darkening political situation.

Australia and New Zealand.

Ah, this explosion thing, right? In the Outback?

Yeah. This 25-kiloton detonation

pushing the world's superpowers to take sides

and so threaten a wider nuclear exchange

that will leave the planet an ash-choked shitscape.

Scary stuff.

Maybe we should break for commercial?

Craig.

There are children watching.

Well, then the children can tell their parents

to get on their knees and beg for God's mercy.

Because as far as I can see,

the only thing that will save us...

is a goddamn miracle!

Go on. Sit.

Someone needs to step in.

Why not you?

I am the alpha

and the omega!

I am the bright morning star.

No.

I won't do it.

That is a natural first response to what would be...

a big lifestyle change. And...

It's not a lifestyle change. It's a sin.

Well, it's not ideal.

But "sin" 's a bit strong. Sin's a bit...

It's the worst sin there is! You're all traitors!

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop.

We have got to stick together!

There'll be plenty of time for fighting when Hell arrives.

I've always... I've always wondered about that.

And... and... the... the big one... it's furry.

It looks like a...

like a thick-crusted beaver pizza.

It's called a "shtremiel."

Worn over the kippah.

Connotes an extra level of devotion.

Yes? Good?

Excellent. Thank you. Got it.

Is that why you've come,

for my knowledge of traditional Jewish hats and headwear?

You know what we want, Dany.

Right.

Who we want.

But first...

you know what I want.

Order up.

Honestly, I don't know why I ever left this town.

It's got good foods.

Pubs never close.

Actually, do you know what?

I should go down and see the boys at McSorley's.

Of course, they won't be boys anymore, will they?

They were like 20-something then, so...

Well, Christ, they'd be dead now, wouldn't they?

Yeah. Probably.

Look, this thing... that she's asking you for?

I can do that, if you want?

Everything good for you two?

Oh, it's great. Thank you so much.

It was lovely.

And just say it. Say the word, and I'll do it.

You know, I don't like it either, alright?

But the gloves are off now.

We tried to be nice.

We tried to play it by the book.

Where did it get us?

Guilt and just feeling bad about every goddamn thing.

Well, screw that.

The gloves are off.

They're all the way off.

My child.

Whoa! Whoa!

Zo?

Apart from the erection, what do you think of him?

He's, uh...

Hold that thought.

Guuuhh.

Wait, I thought the Messiah was supposed to be

a good dancer?

Whoa! Whoa!

Jesus Christ!

That's not zee Messiah.

You... You killed him!

Just a clone.

There are hundreds of them,

running around like dumb monkeys.

That... That's no monkey, Hitler.

But the real Messiah?

The one they need to end the world?

They have lost him.

He is gone.

Disappeared.

And no one knows where.

Except you, of course.

I don't know either.

Hit by a bus, stumbled into a wood chipper.

Who knows?

But more importantly, who cares?

When we have a perfectly good Messiah?

A deserving Messiah,

all rrrready to go?!

Hm?

What are you talking about?

Jesus.

I'm talking about you.

Okay.

Alright.

Yeah.

You killed my husband.

- Like you asked me to, Dany. - No, I know, I know.

- Like you've been asking me for 10 years, Dany. - I know, I know.

Look. You got what you want, now we get what we want.

No, I know, I know.

I didn't think you'd do it!

- What? - You always said no.

100 times I asked you and you always said no.

Seriously?

- Look, you g... - Shut up!

Who is this person?!

Where is he?

Here's the thing.

There's no "thing," Dany.

We had a deal.

Where is he?

You don't understand.

What you are asking... I can't do it.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, bullshit.

You're right. I misspoke.

I'm not sorry.

And I won't do it.

Where is he?

Sorry.

It's just... we're trying to think outside the box.

I can't believe I'm dead and I still want a cigarette.

Nasty habit.

But it keeps me off the speedballs.

How is that Cassidy anyway?

Alive.

Yeah.

He is that.

Look.

You don't want to go against God's law?

I respect that.

But what if by refusing the throne,

you're going against His will?

I mean, He did send you here, huh?

But why?

I cheated, I stole.

I-I killed people.

I mean, some had it coming, but... some didn't.

There was this kid once in Dallas, a bank teller.

He just got in my way.

Why am I telling you this?

You done some bad things...

but you done good things, too.

In the end, who gets into Heaven, who goes to Hell?

It's complicated.

My only two friends.

Two friends.

They let me down, but not in any big way.

I mean, it was in a big way,

but I'm sure they didn't mean it.

I had to get away from them, too.

I was afraid I was gonna kill them.

You see, with all that hate in my heart,

why would He send me here?

Because He knows you forgave them.

I haven't.

It's because...

this isn't Heaven.

Is it, Fiore?

I never said it was.

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

In there?

You can't do this.

Show us.

Or what? You gonna shoot me, too?

Yeah.

What happened to you?

Where's Jesse?

Tulip? Where is...

He's dead.

Show us.

Nein, there is nein time for this now.

Agree to disagree, Adolf, okay?

Nein! There is only disagree

because you are the Messiah.

I have waited too long to have my plans come crashing down now!

Hey, hey, hey, I don't respond well to yelling.

Where are you going now?

Fine!

You go. Pray on it.

You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain.

What does that even mean?

Your latte, my Lord.

Bless you, Hoover Two.

Sugar!

Already in there.

Two packets.

Bar'chu et Hashem ham'vorach.

Baruch Hashem ham'vorach l'olam vaed.

Well, where is he?

I hope he melts your faces off.

Are you ready?

No. We need a minute to catch our breath.

Open the goddamn door, Dany.

Uh, bak-too.

Jesus.

I-I get it.

When Jesse first sent him to me for safekeeping,

I thought, "This is God's chosen one?

He's raping blocks of cheese."

But then...

Something happened.

His power, his love changed me.

It changed all of us.

Watch.

Do you understand now how special he really is?

Why I could never let you take him.

Ever.

Bye-bye!

Stop them!

They're taking our Messiah!

Moshiach! Moshiach!

Muhh roooo ahh!

Bye-bye.

Where are you taking Him?!

Moshiach.

Where are you taking him?!

Betsy Cullen.

Betsy Cullen... she lived down the road from me

when I was just a lad in Dublin.

There was Betsy, her husband.

She had six sons, and they were good Catholics, you know.

Devoted. They loved God.

And then the war came along, and one Cullen boy after another...

he come back from France in a box, see?

It was Betsy's husband, five sons.

All dead. Which left Bobby.

He was like the fair-haired favorite, you know.

Only Bobby... he died, too, at his daddy's wake.

He stepped out the bar, he walked into the road,

he got hit by a cement truck.

And do you know what happened to Betsy Cullen

and her devotions as a result of her many sorrows?

Do you know?

Absolutely nothing.

She still loved God.

Because she was an idiot.

She was a sucker, as are all of you.

And in answer to your question,

we heard that your Lord...

He loves your Messiah, too.

So we're going to kill him...

And we're going to make God watch, alright?

I didn't even know we had a Messiah.

Because we didn't tell you, Eli!

Schmuck.

Got a call for you, Chief.

I get 30 minutes for lunch.

I got 27 more to go.

Chief, it's long-distance.

Wittman here.

Chief. It's Nix.

It's been 14 months. I thought you were dead.

No, sir. I'm alive and well

and I'm holding all the evidence I need

to stop these Grail bastards in their tracks.

You're saying that this is more than phony car tags?

It's a global conspiracy.

Hitler and Jesus...

they're taking orders from this...

this mutilated maniac

who wants to set off a nuclear war

with a tap-dancing imbecile.

Christ, Nix.

If what you're saying is true,

you'll make detective before you're 30.

I didn't get into this for promotions.

I'm just a cop doing his job to keep people safe.

As long as I got a badge in my wallet,

there isn't going to be any damn apocalypse.

No, sir. Not on my...

Nix? Nix?

Yay!

Huppa-doo!

Yay!

I did it, Daddy! I prayed for this!

It's all my fault!

Give me a break.

Hello again.

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be an angel.

It's a long story.

But suffice to say,

when you've got a grand-a-day speedball habit,

Heaven's a challenge.

But this... you're just...?

I'm just a projection.

This isn't Heaven and that is not the Lord's throne.

But the offer... is real.

You take it and we'll set you free.

Just because I've got issues with God

doesn't mean I'm going to listen to some bird-faced dope fiend

about replacing Him.

Okay, let's try something else, then.

What is this?

This is Heaven.

In 2015.

Watch and listen.

Aw, c'mon, God! Not summer school.

No.

God, I beg of you, in all your glory.

If you clear up this rash,

I'll never look at another hooker again.

No.

Lord, please, let it be benign.

My Lord, I bring, erm...

difficult news.

Genesis has escaped.

We're not sure how or where.

I see.

I'm really sorry.

You entrusted it to our safekeeping and...

L-L-Let me just, um...

Shit.

We'll get it back.

Deblanch and I will go down there,

and we'll find it, and... and...

Thank you for telling me, my son.

Now, uh, if you would leave me with my thoughts,

I will come up with a solution.

Yes, my Lord.

Of course.

My Lord?

What the...

The dog suit's a bit weird.

The dog suit is disgusting.

That can't be all He's doing.

He must have some bigger plan.

Oh, you're right about that.

He's got a big plan.

And he's been hard at it for months now.

Tinkering...

experimenting...

First, he made dinosaurs.

Then he created man.

And now...

His Great Design.

Creation Part Three.

God's going to replace us.

Unless...

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