All language subtitles for Premature.2014.720p.BluRay.x264.DTS-RARBG-HI

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(MOANING)

All right, so here's how you can tell, in
order of weirdness, that this is a dream.

First off, I'm having sex.

Second, I'm on a heart-shaped
bed with red rubber sheets.

Nice. Are those beakers?

Yep, I'm in my chemistry class.
That's third.

And this woman is just perfect.
I mean, look at her.

Those eyes... those lips...

Those three tits.

I would tell you the fifth, but
this is about the time where I...

♪ I'm bit part player in
the story of my life ♪

♪ And I can't wake up, but I
just won't sleep at night ♪

♪ But maybe I'm alive
and maybe I'm dead ♪

♪ The things you say
went around my head ♪

♪ Empty words that sound
like shit to me ♪

♪ Turn around, round, round,
round, round, round ♪

♪ Turn it around ♪

♪ Turn around, round, round,
round, round, round ♪

Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

(SLURPING)

It's okay. She's in the
laundry room. Sit down.

I should probably be
going to school, so...

We both know how important
today's interview is.

Dad, I really don't
need another pep talk.

When you were benched in little league
and your team played with eight players,

I said nothing. When you were
bullied by Sally Levinson...

I said nothing.

When you lost the class
presidency to a raccoon...

He was the school mascot.

...I said nothing.

But this is too important to me to
just sit idly by and say nothing.

(TAPS CHAIR)

- So, come on. Please.
- Okay. Fine.

I want you to wear
this during the interview.

This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

But... I don't row crew.

Oh, God. This smells like crotch.

That's the smell of a champion.

Today you have a huge opportunity.

Today you'll make me proud.

(GROANS)

It would save me time if I would just
put down newspaper on his... bed.

(COLD WAR KIDS' "MIRACLE MILE" PLAYS)

♪ I was supposed to do great things ♪

♪ I know the road was long ♪

♪ But I wasn't raised to
shoot for fame ♪

♪ I had the safety on ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

(HORN HONKS)

♪ I cut my ties, I sold my rings ♪

♪ I wanted none of this ♪

♪ If you start from scratch,
you have to sing ♪

♪ Just for the fun of it ♪

Cute dress!

Hello, Lisa.

Why is he near us?

Have a good day at school.

Rob! Yo, Rob!

Ah!

Oh.

- Hey, are you okay?
- Shh.

So, I'm about to blow my
load when Lisa says, "wait."

She then stands up, gets
dressed, turns to me and says,

"Okay. Come now."

And boom. I came.

- Huh.
- How does a high school chick

learn mind control like that?

Maybe some sort of magnet school
for the sexually advanced?

You're gonna love sex. It's like jerking
off with the best sock on the planet.

- Wait.
- What?

Why are you dressed
like Ellen Degeneres?

I have my interview today.

I'm not dressed like Ellen.

So, what are you gonna
do if you don't get in?

Hey. No. Shut up, okay?

I have to get in. Don't jinx me.

So I'll kill a chicken. Relax.

Hey, man. You want to
come over tonight?

I'm playing "grand theft auto" online
with that kid from the Balkans.

You know, he sent me this
fucked-up YouTube clip.

Some MMA guy got punched in the nuts
so hard he shit himself and came.

Wow, uh, as much as I'd love
to see that, Gabrielle and I are

- watching the spelling bee tonight.
- Hi, guys.

- The dork super bowl?
- No, dude, it's, like,

trembling kids, terrified of
disappointing their watching parents.

I mean, it's like watching televised
child abuse. It's fucking awesome.

They don't get punched,
but they do shit themselves.

- Huh.
- And a good morning to you both.

- Hey, Gabs.
- Thanks.

- Arthur.
- What time you flying out, Artie?

Funny, Stanley. Too bad the special
Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.

So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today.

Uh, yeah. I'm a little nervous.

Want me to put in a good word? They've been
on my jock about going there full ride...

- since I was in middle school.
- Really? Since middle school?

It's a lot of pressure
for a 7-year-old.

- Good morning.
- Morning, Mr. Hughes.

Arthur, I thought you were
going to be here early.

Excuse me for a second.

Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes.
I have your lesson plan,

but what I don't have is my money.

- It's in my classroom.
- Then let's go.

I'm sorry, guys.
I have to handle this.

And, Rob, feel free to drop
my name in the interview.

I can't believe your pre-pub
neighbor sells homework to teachers.

Yeah, and how is he so confident?

He has one eyebrow and it's thicker
than Sam Elliott's mustache.

Aw, he can't help the eyebrow.

- He's Armenian.
- Yeah, poor kid.

Poor kid? No, you should mow
that thing. It's embarrassing.

Says the guy who has been
not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.

It's an athletic supporter.
It rides up sometimes.

In his defense, Gabrielle,
a little discomfort is far better

than getting kicked in he balls
every day for a semester.

That happened in the 9th grade.
It hasn't happened since.

It's not something one just forgets,
Gabrielle. The 9th grade was my ballocaust.

Never again.

- I got beer for tonight. You excited?
- Oh, sweet. How?

Just threw it in the
cart at the shop 'n save.

My mom thought my dad put it in
and my dad thought he put it in,

so it worked out perfectly.

Hey, so, it is your last chance
to change your bet,

unless you really think that
Mona Panchal will take it all.

- Um, some stats...
- All right.

She is a 13-year-old up-and-comer from
Kansas via Mumbai with a nervous twitch.

She placed 12th two years ago,
5th last year. This is her year.

Also, it is too late to change your bets
because the first round has started.

I'm just really excited for Pongsaklek
Wonjongkam to eat Mona for L-U-N-C-H.

Right. Is Pongsaklek a boy or a girl?

- Yeah, I have no idea.
- Exactly.

But if it can spell its own
name, it can spell anything.

So, I was thinking we
could drink every time

somebody asks for
alternate pronunciations.

Or... or every time someone asks
for alternate pronunciations,

- we could cut ourselves.
- Yeah, sure.

Yo, Rob! Y...

Hey! Are you kidding me?

You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.

Set me.

No!

Ooh! Damn.

(LAUGHS)

(SNIFFS)

It's piss. Those
assholes pissed on me.

Okay. Well, that'll
dry by the interview.

- Yeah, but he smells like a urinal cake.
- I do. I do smell like a urinal cake.

Okay, guys, I have my test
next period. I got to go. Um...

Stanley, go to the lost and found,
get Rob a new pair of pants.

I won't let you down, buddy.
Watch out! Pants emergency!

Stay calm. All right?
Take a deep breath.

Keep the recruiter's face
away from your junk.

(LAUGHS)

- And it's gonna be great. Okay?
- Thanks, Gabs.

- Just text me with bee updates, okay?
- I will.

(CHUCKLES)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Okay, these aren't ideal, but they
didn't have a lot to choose from.

- Are these even men's pants?
- Try 'em on. Maybe you'll look fabulous.

I feel like I'm gonna be sick.

Hey, you know I have a
test next period, right?

Shh. Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?

Hey, Artie. Can you help this
student, please? Rob's falling apart.

I know you have a learning
disability, Stanley,

but can you grasp the fact that
I'm already working with someone?

How many people know about your
arrangement with Mr. Hughes?

And I'm presuming there are others.

You slow Goat.

Don't shout that witch language
at me! I'll burn you at the stake.

Move. Go.

I know what would help.
Okay, take a deep breath.

- Okay. I am.
- Good.

Now go to the bathroom, hit a
stall, and rub one out to that.

It's a scientific fact that your blood
pressure drops after you orgasm.

It's like your balls are shooting
yoga through your veins.

Oh, no. Is she coming
over here? Yep. She is.

Shit. Please stop talking now.

Hi, Rob.

Hey, Angela.

Um, good morning.

Excuse me, Angela. I have
to update my Wikipedia page.

Okay.

So, Rob, um, I know our tutoring session
isn't supposed to be until Thursday,

but I was kind of hoping we could
schedule, like, an emergency session.

Miss Marconi moved the test up. She's
getting a mammogram tomorrow, so...

- Did you say mammogram?
- Yeah, how'd you make it sound so hot?

I was thinking that we could
study tonight at my house.

Tonight? Um, actually,
I don't think I can.

- Oh, boo. Really?
- No. Not really.

Well, yeah. Uh, it's just, um...

I kind of have plans
I can't change, so...

- Do you?
- Yes. I do, have plans.

Maybe, uh, you can study
with Arthur instead?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, you're serious?
That's okay. I'll just...

- I'll just fail it.
- No, Angela, don't worry.

Rob will reassess his schedule and
get back to you A.S.A.F'ing.P.

Thanks. By the way, Rob, that coat
makes you look so professorial.

(CHUCKLES)

She wants to fuck you.

Her nickname is "after school
special" for a reason.

I know.

Freshman year, she cured
Mike Dolan's stutter.

- Her pussy inspired The King's Speech.
- I just can't just bail on Gabs, you know?

I mean, we watch the spelling
bee every year. It's our thing.

You've been borderline stalking
Angela as long as we've been friends.

- We've been friends since we were 5.
- Not exactly. You took time to grow on me.

- I didn't consider you a friend until 6 1/2.
- Wait, seriously?

Look, Angela has sex with grown men.

She hasn't slept with a high-school
student since elementary school.

- She's making an exception for you.
- This is too much pressure for me today.

Okay, well, let me ask you this. Has she
ever invited you over to her house before?

No, and stop, okay? Please.
Because I am panicking,

and I cannot shit these gym shorts.

The poem tells of a talking raven's
mysterious visit to a distraught lover,

tracing's the man's slow
fall into madness.

I'll start reading and then we'll go
around the room counterclockwise.

Okay. As I recite the poem, look for the
repetition of the word "nevermore."

"Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary,

over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore"...

You know, I looked at last year's
yearbook, and her tits were not that big.

There has definitely been
a cosmetic enhancement.

- At least two of them.
- Definitely.

When I die, I want to come back
as her top button, you know?

- Yeah.
- Or a guy who's fucking her.

- That'd be cool.
- That would be cool.

Dude, come on.

I have something to add.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.

Rob.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Is that supposed to be the Georgetown
mascot? 'Cause you know it's a bulldog.

I can't draw bulldogs.

..."the silken sad uncertain
rustling of each purple curtain

filled me with fantastic
terrors never felt before."

Didn't Stanley go to
the lost and found?

- They only had Capri pants.
- Mm-hmm.

- Are you my escort?
- At your service.

(CHUCKLES)

- Oh, I have bad news for you.
- What?

Pongsaklek Wonjongkam,
who is a boy, by the way,

misspelled "endoradiosonde" in
the second preliminary round.

Are you serious?

Shit. I did not see
either of those coming.

(SIGHS)

Well...

Here we are.

- You're gonna nail it. I know it.
- You think?

Yes. I mean, who can
resist those legs?

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

- Rob Crabbe?
- Yes.

Jack Roth, Georgetown admissions.
Good to meet you. Please take a seat.

Uh, before we begin, allow me
to apologize for the shorts.

(CHUCKLES)

Some of my classmates thought
it might be amusing if uhh...

Bullies. What was their
weapon of choice?

A piss-filled water gun. Direct hit.

- Say no more. I'll pretend they're pants.
- (CHUCKLES)

Look, everything I've
read about you is great,

so I'm really here just to put a face
with the name. Are those your notes?

Give them to me.

You don't need notes.

Just be yourself. And it's okay if
you don't know who that is yet.

That's what college is for...
to figure out who you are.

Right? Not what somebody
else wants you to be,

but who you...

really... are.

Just answer the questions honestly.
You're gonna do fine, all right?

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

I see that your parents both
graduated from Georgetown.

Yeah. Both my mom and dad.
They met there, actually.

Uh, some kids grow up hearing
about Oz or Wonderland.

All my fairy tales took place in
the mythical land of Georgetown.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(CRYING)

I'm sorry. (SNIFFLES)

I met my wife...

at Georgetown, too.

(CHUCKLES)

But then...

(CRYING) Lupus.

(SNIFFLES) I'm sorry.

It feels like it happened yesterday.
It was 10 months ago.

I'm just having a moment, okay?
(SNIFFLES)

Yeah, no. Please, take your time.

No, no, no. Let's do this.
Let's do this.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SOBBING)

You know who the biggest bully... is?

Lupus?

No! It's life!

Life is the biggest
bully of them all.

They'll shoot you with a piss-filled
water pistol again and again and again.

You got to just get up,
carry on. Smell like piss.

(SNIFFLES)

Life is the biggest fucking
bully of them all.

I am sorry. (SNIFFLES)

Whoa! Detour. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, lookit here.
It says that you were, uh,

part of the student-to-student
tutoring initiative.

Mr. Roth?

(VOICE BREAKING)
My wife was my tutor.

That is how we met. (CRYING) Oh, God.

That's how we met.
And now she's gone.

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

Um...

I have my dad's headband, so...

Thank you. (SNIFFLES)

Oh.

(BLOWING NOSE)

(SNIFFLES)

- How'd it go?
- He cried.

Somehow I reminded him of
the greatest loss of his life.

- There goes Georgetown.
- It's not the end of the world.

It's just your dad talking.
There are other schools.

Imagine for one second that
you had any goals whatsoever,

- and then imagine if they didn't happen.
- This is exactly why I don't have goals.

Look, you can still get into
Georgetown. And if you can't,

focus on one thing you can
still get into... Angela.

You're insane. She doesn't want to...

You could become a beautiful
non-virgin butterfly.

Let Angela's crotch be your cocoon.

- Hey. Angela.
- Rob. Nice shorts.

Uh, thanks. Uh,
long story. But, um...

I can tutor you tonight.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, Rob you're such a life saver.
- Oh, I can help you out with your test,

but Miss Marconi is on her
own with her... mammogram.

Hey. I've been looking
all over for you.

Hey, how was your, uh...

- Really?
- Uh, yeah.

I, um... I pulled a Wonjongkam.

- No. What happened.
- I'd rather not relive it.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, so, listen, um...

I don't think I can make it tonight.

I, uh, I'm just not feeling up to it.

- You sure? Might cheer you up.
- Yeah, you know, another time.

Um...

- It's just my future's in doubt.
- Yeah. Yeah, no, that's okay.

- I don't know why you feel so bad.
- Because I just lied to Gabs.

- I feel awful.
- Good. We can use that.

- What?
- Well, guilt is a blessing.

It'll make you last longer.

You can only go four minutes
when it's just you and the tissues.

Yeah, and I'm feeling
plenty of guilt then, too.

Well, we'll need something stronger.

Remember when I accidentally
exposed my baldy?

Ugh. Yeah. It looked
like my grandpa's elbow.

Yeah, use that. That'll ruin
things for a little while.

That's good.

You know what you should do?
Buy the magnums, too.

Then use the regular-sized condom,
but leave behind the Magnum wrapper.

What's that gonna do? Besides make
her feel like she has a giant vagina.

Um, I'll have the trojan
ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please.

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ You do, too ♪

Oh!

(TIRES SCREECH)

(COUGHS, GROANS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

I'm fine, you asshole!

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ You do, too ♪

♪ You love you ♪

Pussy?

- Excuse me?
- Are you here for pussy?

I'm Angela's tutor. Is she home?

I don't know.

- Mind if I check?
- Do as you wish.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Uzi, you know you can smoke inside.
- Uh, no thank you.

Uzi's from Israel. He's staying with us
for the rest of the school year, so...

Cool.

When it's this quiet back home...
a café explodes.

- Come on in.
- Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Ka-boom.

Uh... so... quadratic equations.

Believe me, it is a lot more
exciting than it sounds.

What are you doing? Sit on the bed.

Oh, yeah. Uh, right. Of course.

(CHUCKLES)

So, would you like some wine?
It's white zinfandel.

It's my mom's favorite.
It's absolutely delish.

No, thanks. Math pairs
better with a robust red.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Is your mom home?

No, she works at night.
It's just me and Uzi.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

Don't worry about it. (CHUCKLES)

So, uh... what... what exactly
is your test on tomorrow?

Can I confess something to you?

You don't have a dead
wife or anything, do you?

- 'Cause I can't take that again today.
- (CHUCKLES) No.

I don't really have a test tomorrow.

- You don't?
- No.

- I just really like studying with you.
- I really like studying with you, too.

- Your grades are really improving.
- Yeah.

The studying sessions are, like,
the highlight of my week.

- They are?
- Yeah.

When I'm with you, I don't know.
You don't treat me like everyone else.

I just feel... I don't know. Safe.

I was captain of the safety
patrol team in 8th grade.

Wait. Maybe we should...

Oh, that... that is nice.

(MOANS)

Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

What the f...

(SLURPING)

It's okay. She's in the
laundry room. Sit down.

(SIGHS)

We both know how important
today's interview is.

Rob?

The interview is today?

Don't "f" with me, Robert.

When you were benched in little league
and your team played with eight players,

I said nothing. When you were bullied
by Sally Levinson, I said nothing.

When you lost the class presidency
to a raccoon, huh, I said nothing.

But this interview is far too important
for me to sit idly by and say nothing.

I want you to wear this
during the interview.

The headband.

This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

Today's the day you make me proud.

(GROANS) It would save me time...

if I would just put down
newspaper on his... bed.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Rob! Yo, Rob! Ah!

So, I'm about to blow my
load when she says, "wait."

She then stands up,
gets dressed, and leaves.

Before she goes, she turns to
me and says, "okay. Come now."

And boom. I came.

What the fuck are you doing?

Why are you dressed
like Ellen Degeneres?

(GROANS)

No, he sent me this
fucked-up YouTube clip.

Some MMA guy got punched in the nuts
so hard he shit himself and came.

Hey, you pissed at me or something?

What? No. I'm just...
really out of it.

I don't think I slept so good.
I was having a crazy dream.

- And a good morning to you both.
- Hey, Gabs. Arthur.

- What time are you flying out, Artie?
- Funny, Stanley.

Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.

So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today?

Does anyone know the
warning signs of a stroke?

- Good morning.
- Hi, Mr. Hughes.

Arthur, I thought you
were gonna be here early.

Excuse me for a second.

- You know, I kind of feel bad for him.
- Why?

Probably because he has one eyebrow.

- And it's thicker than...
- BOTH: Sam Elliott's mustache.

So, I was thinking every time they
ask for alternate pronunciations,

- we could drink.
- Rob! Yo, Rob!

Hey! Are you kidding me?

You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.

- Set me.
- Oh!

- Ooh! Damn!
- (LAUGHS)

It's piss.

Okay, um... well, that'll dry
by the interview, right?

Yeah, but he smells
like a urinal cake.

I have my test next period,
so I got to go. Um...

- Stanley, go to the lost and found...
- No, it's fine.

I'll just wear the
shorts in my gym locker.

Really? You sure?

- Stay calm. Take a deep breath.
- No, seriously. I'm good.

This was the dream.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

- You dreamed about today?
- Yeah.

Lisa's telling you to come.
The piss gun.

And Angela Yearwood wants
to have sex with me.

- Bullshit.
- Hey. I have a test next period.

Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?

Hi, Rob. So, I know our tutoring session
wasn't supposed to be until Thursday,

but I was kind of, like, hoping that we
could schedule an emergency session.

Miss Marconi moved the test up.
She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.

(CHUCKLES)

Mammogram. (CHUCKLES)

How could you even focus
on your interview right now?

- In the dream, I bombed it.
- Who cares?

Angela will make everything
in the world right again.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.
- Rob.

You know, I bombed
the Angela thing, too.

- That's right.
- What?

Nothing.

- Are you ready?
- Do I look ready?

- The outfit weirdly works for you.
- No, it doesn't.

Nope. Not at all.

Oh, I have bad news for you.

Yeah, Pongsaklek Wonjongkam
misspelled "endoradiosonde."

(VOICE BREAKING) My wife was
my tutor. That's how we met.

(CRYING) Oh, God. Jesus. (SOBBING)

She's gone.

So?

Don't shut me out!

Hey, Rob! (CHUCKLES)

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Why?

I just thought you'd be more excited
to come over tonight. That's all.

- You know, if you have other plans.
- You know what?

- I can tutor you tonight, so...
- You're a life saver!

(CHUCKLES)

(TICKING)

Um... help me? I'm sick.

- What's wrong?
- I have no idea.

I'm having déjà vu or,
like, a psychotic episode,

and I really need your help
because I'm falling apart.

Okay. Put this under your tongue.

(TIMER DINGS)

That's your timer, Neal.

No fever, Neal.

You're not sick, honey.
You can go back to class.

(VOMITING)

Yeah, you know what?
I'll just figure it out.

Feel better, Neal.

There's never a bad time to get
an SRD from Angela Yearwood.

Even if she gave you a fatal one,
your doctor would still high-five you.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Shit. I never canceled with Gabs.

Who cares? Angela's about to
deflower you. Please smile.

Could I have the trojan
ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please?

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ You do, too ♪

Oh, shit. This is where... aah!

(GROANS, COUGHS)

Are you here for pussy?

- Hey.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Can I confess something to you?

- I don't really have a test tomorrow.
- I know.

Oh, no.

(MOANING)

Just... throw the sheets in the la...

Today's the day you make me proud.

Rob! Ah!

She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- Nevermore.

- I have some more bad news for you.
- (CRYING)

Not this time.

(GROANS)

Pussy?

Can I confess something to you?

(MOANING)

Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

What the fuck is happening?!

Is everything okay?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah! Yeah.

I'll just... I'll throw the sheets
in the laundry. (CHUCKLES)

Do you want this to end? 'Cause I think
you're getting a pretty good deal here.

We're having sex. The least you
can do is hold my hand in school.

Look, the whole reason
that this works

is because I get to practice for when
I meet the right guy in college, okay?

'Cause as far as anyone who really
matters is concerned, you don't exist.

(THUD)

(GROANS)

- The hell are you doing here?
- I have something I need to tell you.

There is only one explanation.
Your virginity is driving you insane.

It's like one of those videos we saw
in Ms. Depanorizzi's health class.

You know, how little Timmy went berserk
because he masturbated too much.

No, I know. It's just...
I swear this all feels too real.

- Way too real.
- Sounds like a delusional disorder.

Unlike hallucinations, your actual belief
in these events is clearly pathological.

An antipsychotic will help reduce
your dopamine levels. You'll be fine.

My dad's a psychiatrist.

- I know what will help.
- What?

- A threesome.
- With me?

Yeah. With you. It's a win-win-win.
Look, you get some pre-college practice,

Rob has sex and is no longer
driven mad by his virginal status,

and I bust a nut before 8:00 in
the morning. What do you say?

Yeah, but what actually
happens in a threesome?

Does that mean that you and I...

Mnh-mnh, Rob, you and I will not be
having sex. We'd be boning Lisa.

- At the same time?
- It all depends.

There are different methods.
You know, we could take turns...

Okay. Do you really think that I would
have a threesome with the two of you?

- Maybe.
- Okay, look. Threesomes are... special.

They're specifically reserved for when
I find the man that I'm going to marry.

And then a friend of
his choice, of course.

You know, that's how
you make marriages work.

Oh, and, Stanley, you can come now.

(GASPS)

You too, Rob.

(BOTH GASPING)

Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

He's a young man!

Are you kidding me with this?!

It's like he's regressing
right before our eyes!

He has a big day, probably just
needed to relieve some tension.

That was a lot of tension!
Our son is turning into this pervert!

When I was that age,
I could fill a bucket.

Yeah? Well, sweetie,
you can still fill a bucket.

- It's just a little squirt.
- A little squirt?!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

So, I went to Angela's house
one, two, three times,

and then I went and
saw Stanley and Lisa.

And then we almost had
a threesome. And then...

- Is that a 48-inch...
- Sure is.

I'm gonna do my own
laundry from now on.

Hey!

Hey! Gabs!

Gabrielle, stop! Gabrielle!

Rob? Are you okay? You look insane.

- Did you see Gabrielle?
- Yeah. She went inside.

Dude, I called your phone
like a thousand times.

The most amazing thing
happened to me this morning.

I know. Lisa's totally become
a master at jizzekinesis!

Jizzekinesis!

Gabs!

Gabs! Hey! Gabs!

That's what you're wearing
to your interview?

Huh? Oh, no, no, no, no.

Hey, um, I need to talk to you.
It's really important.

- Sure. Are you okay?
- Not really.

Let's go somewhere maybe and...

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, yeah! You think that's funny?!
You think that's funny?!

Whoa!

- That wasn't yours to touch.
- Rob, I think we should go now.

Yeah, you should really
listen to your girlfriend.

You guys are taller and you're better
looking, but that's not enough, is it?

I mean, why do you pick on guys
like me? You know what I think?

I think you're gay and you
don't know how to handle it,

so you pick on me because,
inside, society picks on you.

That's not cool. Tommy's gay.

- Oh, you are?
- Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.

The guys are super supportive.

- Oh, that's so nice.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it would have been worse
if you guys played a real sport, right?

(LAUGHS)

That came out wrong.

- Gabs, I got to go.
- Probably for the best.

Get him!

(SCREAMING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, Rob! Can you...

No!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Where is he?

Try that one.

(SIGHS)

Oh, shit! Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

- Come on!
- Get it open!

It's stuck! It's stuck!

One, two, three!

Would you guys just stop
banging for like two seconds?

Ugh! He's whacking!

(GASPING)

(BOYS GROAN)

Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Nothing happened.

(SLURPING)

Mm. Good morning.

- Sit down. I want to talk to you.
- Dad...

Why is it so important to
you that I go to Georgetown?

Well, I guess because that's where I met
your mother and my life really began.

- And you want that for me?
- Yes, of course.

Well, what if I don't need
Georgetown to get that?

You don't want to go to Georgetown?

(CHUCKLES) No, I'm...
I'm just kidding.

No, I just... I don't need a pep talk,
that's all. I got this. (CHUCKLES)

You know, why don't you just focus on
planning your trip to parents' weekend.

Okay.

All right. Have a good day.

I proved the existence of a sex Jedi and
you're just speechless and smiling.

- Do you think about anything besides sex?
- Yeah. I think about a lot of stuff.

Like why we're still
reliant on foreign oil.

What I'd look like with
a ponytail. You know?

Why the sudden up tick
in peanut allergies?

You know, there are other things
in this world besides sex.

Other things to see or do in
this world. In this school, even.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about living a
life without repercussions.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Gabs.

Hey, didn't your cousin
get admitted to South Oaks?

Yeah. He had a psychotic break...

and burned down his neighbor's shed.
Thank you for bringing that up.

Uh-huh. We need to get Rob admitted
there stat. He's fucking lost it.

You know, I just woke up this
morning, and long story short,

I feel like I can do anything.

Okay. Can we talk about
that on the way to class?

- Yeah, let's go. I need to make a poo.
- Yeah, you guys go.

I don't really feel like walking.

- Yeah, you're right. He's acting weird.
- Yeah. He's like the douchey lama.

- (SITAR MUSIC PLAYS)
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Stop that golf cart!

(TIRES SCREECH)

- Show me your hall pass.
- Is there a hall pass for golf carts?

I'm gonna have to write you up.

You poor soul. You don't know
the power that you possess.

I mean, you get beaten up
every day, and for what?

A line on a college résumé? I mean,
what if instead of writing people up,

you used your position to your
advantage, got something out of it.

Like, tell me that you won't write
me up if I give you the golf cart.

- You would do that?
- Maybe.

Or... Excuse me, Miss?
Do you have a hall pass?

Shit. No.

Ah, I'm not sure what we can do.

You see, my friend here
is a hall monitor,

and it is his job to write up
students who roam the halls

without the necessary paperwork.

Please don't write me up. I'll get
suspended if I get written up again.

Will you French kiss him?

(SIGHS)

Okay. But he can't tell anyone.

- Deal.
- (DOOR OPENS)

But give him something to remember.

(SIGHS)

(SLAM)

- This is what you're doing with your day?
- Yeah, totally.

- Check this out.
- Where'd you get that?

You know that creepy janitor?
It turns out he's not a pedophile.

He's just a drug dealer.

- Huh.
- Hop in.

Should we be out here?

(GRUNTS)

Nope.

- But that's what makes it fun?
- Yep.

Mm-hmm. And if we get caught?

(LAUGHS) Don't worry about it.

Just trust me. It's like that time that
you told me to tell my gym teacher

I couldn't run the mile because
of my menstrual cramps.

- Did I do it?
- Yep.

- Mr. Zizek still calls you "tampon."
- (CHUCKLES)

I didn't say I'm not
smoking with you. Come on.

Light that thing up. Let us see
if it is really a gateway drug.

Oh. It is.

A gateway to awesome. (COUGHS)

(SPITS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, would you like to hear something
that I've never told anyone ever?

- Yes.
- Freshman year,

I thought that parent/teacher night
meant that Mrs. Wiley was going to be

staying at my house for a night
while my parents went away.

(LAUGHS)

You would have to bomb your house to
get rid of the stench of her perfume.

- Oh, God.
- (LAUGHS)

- How did we become friends?
- You don't remember?

No, it's not that I don't
remember, it's just...

It feels like you've
always been here.

Sorry.

Weed must make me uncomfortably deep.

Uh-huh.

Um... I was in the third grade and I was
the new girl, the giant, 5'3" new girl.

And you were the only one
who didn't laugh at me.

I was too scared to laugh.
You were enormous.

(LAUGHS)

Hey. No matter where
we end up next year,

we have to watch the
spelling bee together.

Of course we will.

I'm really sorry that I
blew you off this time.

- I'll never do it again.
- When did you blow me off?

I meant... I meant to say I
would never blow you off.

(CHUCKLES)

Sorry. This stuff must really
be killing brain cells.

(CHUCKLES)

It's nice to get out like this
once in a while. You know?

- Get out of class, live a little.
- Yeah.

We should have done
something like this sooner.

- I always wanted to.
- Mm-hmm.

You know what?

- Come on.
- Where are we going?

There's something else
I've always wanted to do.

(SNORING)

Here. It's pretty good,
but kind of illegal.

(SNORING CONTINUES)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, God.

(GRUNTING)

Hold on!

- Oh, hi, Mr. Hughes.
- Rob, this is the teachers' lounge.

Yeah, I know. Um, hey, you wouldn't happen
to have a match or anything, would you?

No? All right. Cool. Well, um,
I should probably get going.

But you should probably
flush again, just in case.

- What was it like in there?
- It was very comfortable.

There was a great selection
of reading material.

I fucking love doughnuts.

You know, all I'm saying is that you have an
inner strength that one day I hope to have.

- Thank you.
- Shh. Hey. Don't thank me.

Okay? Because I am not
important right now.

My interview? That is not important.

I'm never gonna forget you.

I know.

(LAUGHS)

Whoa!

Hey!

Whoo!

- What the fuck was that?
- Two men. Connecting.

Okay, cut the shit. What is up with
you today? Gabs and I are worried.

- I'm not worried.
- Dude, I've told you.

- You don't get it.
- When did you tell me?

Three this mornings ago.
It's okay, okay?

Because I didn't really get it, either,
but I do now. Today is a gift.

Come on. I just got an idea.

Okay, so, as I told
you guys yesterday,

tomorrow's quiz will be
on chapters 5 through 7,

and what you want to look... (SIGHS)

Mr. Crabbe, your class was two
periods ago. You missed it.

- I know. I was taking a shit.
- Excuse me?

- Oh, my God.
- What's he doing?

They're very firm, Stanley. Like, spongy.
Does that mean they're fake?

- Oh, my God!
- Thank you.

Sweet.

I think I smoked too much weed.
Did he just feel up Ms. Hartnett?

- Mm-hmm. I think she called the cops.
- It was worth it.

Are these seats taken, Sally?

It has been a long time.

Whoa!

That was for the 4th grade!

(LAUGHS) Right?

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, shit.

(SHRIEKS)

(SCREAMING)

(THUD)

(GROWLING)

(CROWD CHEERS)

(GROANS)

Save yourself, Rob! Grab her tit!

I'm grabbing her tit!
I'm grabbing your tit!

Squeeze it till milk comes out!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, Sally. I'm a big fan.

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

- (SCREAMING)
- (GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

Sally!

(SCREAMING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Have a seat, Rob.

I don't know what to say.
You're one of my favorite students.

Really? We've barely met.

Yeah, exactly. I love the
students I don't have to meet.

Meeting you guys is the
worst part of my job.

Do you mind if I eat? It's gonna be
awhile before the cops get here.

- The cops?
- Yes. The cops. Geez.

You grabbed Ms. Hartnett's breasts.

That's sexual assault.
I mean, don't flatter yourself.

They're also coming for some moron
bus driver who was toking it up

in one of the parked vehicles,
but you're the main focus.

So...

I don't mean to be flippant
about your situation,

but in an overcrowded
public school like this,

if one of you students wants to
flush your future down the crapper

and I get to expel you, I am not
losing my appetite over that.

- Shit.
- Fuck.

(SIGHS)

All right, let's run
down the hit list.

You molested a teacher.

You sexually harassed a
female freshman student

and a male hall monitor. And then...

(CHUCKLES) This is funny. You got
in a fight with a girl and you lost.

She curb-stomped my genitals.
With her shoes.

Mm-hmm. Then I called your mom. Your mom
and dad are on their way, by the way.

And she said that she caught
you masturbating this morning.

It was a wet dream.
I wasn't masturbating.

Whatever. Seems like to me you're going
for a varsity letter in sexual deviancy.

- Can I go to the bathroom?
- Yeah, in your pants.

'Cause you're not
leaving this office.

All right. Let's take a look.

I can't figure out what would
make a boy like you snap.

I mean, up to this point,
no missteps.

What would make a boy
like you do what you did?

I mean, it's a big question.
Is society at fault? Probably.

Have you got bad wiring?
Were you not hugged enough as a kid?

Rob, Rob, Robbie.

I mean, what is it?
You take Paxil or something?

Maybe it's your home life.

I don't know. Maybe you
have horrible parents.

But here is the hard truth that
America is not prepared to admit.

We're all just... filthy animals.

And to expect us to play
by the prude rules...

that's ri-goddamn-diculous.

I mean, what you did
to Ms. Hartnett...

We were all thinking about it.

As long as you don't sell crack
or burn the campus down,

I really don't care if you
play a little ass-grab, but...

I mean, hell, if I had the budget,
I would build us a windowless room

where you perverts could just go in
there and poke and grab all day long.

And I'd make it all out of cement, you know,
so you could hose down all the... fluids.

Come on!

- Is that semen?
- It's just a little mayo.

My daughter made me that sandwich!

That's a special sandwich,
you little pervert!

Ohh!

(GASPS)

- Cops are here.
- Yeah, I know.

- Dude, you got to get me out of here.
- Come on.

Uh, you do know that you're in
the girls' locker room, don't you?

Tell that to your Adam's apple.

Uh, sorry.

- Hide here until it's safe to leave.
- What?

Don't go anywhere.

Come on!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Are you talking to me?

No. I was yelling at my dick
because it won't get hard.

There's a guy in there.
I think he's...

Molesting himself? It sure sound
like it. Do you want to watch?

Hey, man. What the
fuck are you doing?

I really need to jerk off,
but it's not working,

- and I think I might have broken it.
- Wait. Why do you need to jerk off?

Dude, I really don't have time to
explain right now. Just help me or...

get the fuck away.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(HIGH-PITCHED)
You want sto fuck mistah?

I'll fuck you first one free. I'll give
you all my holes. Even brown one.

- Stanley?
- (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah?

- What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm trying to help.

I went Asian.
Asian seems right, you know?

(HIGH-PITCHED)
Put your egg roll in my sticky bun!

Ooh, we do fucky-fucky! Fucky now!

- Let's do fucky-fucky!
- Shut the hell up.

- (NORMAL VOICE) You shut the hell up!
- Stanley, come on. Stop, man.

- I really need to focus.
- (HIGH-PITCHED) Oh, no. Do me!

Do me doggie style,
then we eat dog! Woof!

Come on, man. Please stop.
You're ruining it.

No, you stop, Mr. America. Choke me.

Choke me! Choke me!

(DEEP VOICE)
You fuck her from the front, "g."

I'mma fuck her from the back. Yeah.

What the hell is that?

(NORMAL VOICE)
It's the only other voice I can do.

(LOCK CLICKS)

I'm gonna go find the cops. Maybe getting
raped in jail is gonna do the trick.

Oh, no.

(GROWLS)

(GROANS)

(GASPING)

Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

You got to be fucking kidding me!

What was that, Robert?! You got to be
fucking kidding me! Look at yourself!

I'm sorry, mom.

(SCOFFS) I can't believe
this is my fucking life.

(SCREAMING)

You're not gonna lock your bike up?

Hey, guys.

- What time are you flying out, Artie?
- Funny, Stanley.

Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.

So, Rob, Gabrielle told me
your Georgetown interview is...

Today. And no, I don't
want to drop your name.

I mean, I could, but, you know,
I'd rather not be associated with you.

- Rob. What's wrong?
- It's not the interview.

- You want to talk about it?
- I'm good. (SIGHS)

- Well, it's bee day, right?
- Yeah, about that. I have to cancel.

- Really? Just like that?
- Yes, just like that.

Hey!

I don't know what's going
on here, but promise me

you'll turn the darkness
off for your interview.

- Why?
- 'Cause you've worked your ass off for it.

And I need to know you're
not gonna throw it away.

If I have to do the interview
with you, I will.

Stop fucking around, man. I'm not...
I'm not in a good place right now.

I'm not fucking around. You're my
best friend. I'd do anything for you.

- Do you mean that?
- Yeah. I mean that.

I mean, 'cause you've never
really told me that before.

Well, I never knew I had to.

I don't know, you're just...
you're always so vulgar, you know?

I bury my emotions.
It's a defense mechanism.

- I'm gonna hug you now.
- I know.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh.

- Hi, Angela.
- Hey... Angela. How are you?

Why are you guys hugging?

It's 2013, Angela. Men hug now,
you know? Deal with it.

So, Rob. Um, I was gonna come find
you later, but since you're here,

I know our tutoring session isn't
technically supposed to be until Thursday,

- but...
- Tonight. Um... Yeah. Sure.

(CHUCKLES) Great.
And could we do it at my house?

- If we have to.
- Perfect. Come over around 7:00.

- Great.
- Nice hoodie.

Tracing the man's slow
fall into madness.

I'll start reading and then we'll go
around the room counterclockwise.

Okay, let's get started.

Mr. Crabbe, would you mind taking
your seat so we can begin?

Oh, no, if it's okay,
I'm just... I'm gonna stand.

No, it's not okay.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.

Oh, wow. Aren't you
glad I took my seat?

As I recite the poem out loud, listen for
the repetition of the word "nevermore."

Gabs?

..."while I pondered weak and weary,

over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore"...

Mr. Crabbe, good to meet you,
young man. How's your day going?

Not gonna lie. Today has been
a never-ending cluster fuck.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
But as I've learned,

in the light of some recent difficult
events, each day is a gift.

Yeah, it is a gift you can't return.

You have a very
impressive application.

Everything on there was designed
to solicit that exact response.

- What?
- I have lived to get into this school.

You know I even have a set of
perfectly scripted responses

to virtually every question
that you could ever ask?

Hell, at one point, I was so nervous
I might have even over-performed.

- But not now.
- Why? Why not now?

Oh, I could tell you,
but you'd never believe me.

Is it the pressure? Because I can
tell you, you're a lock for our school.

Is it a girl? Is it a girl? I can tell you,
there's gonna be others. There will.

And when the right one presents herself...
(VOICE BREAKING) She will...

Oh, God. I was really hoping
you wouldn't cry this time.

- What?
- Nothing. Here's the problem.

There are certain things
that I thought I wanted,

like getting in to Georgetown
or fucking Angela Yearwood,

but then I realized I don't
actually want any of those things.

- Uh...
- Other people just want them for me.

Having sex is nothing
you should take lightly.

I know that. I've had, like, seven
orgasms so far today. (SCOFFS)

Holy shit.

How'd it go?

Look on the bright side. Tonight you
get to have sex with Angela Yearwood.

(SIGHING)
No. The worst part is I don't.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Hey. I thought you had to cancel.
- Can I come in? I'm not good.

And I don't even get to
actually have sex. I just...

orgasm prematurely and then
I wake up back in my room.

And then my mom comes in to find
me sitting on a massive wet spot.

Do you believe me?

Only the part about you waking up in
a massive wet spot every morning.

Gabs, I know that this sounds
fucking crazy, but I'm serious.

Okay, what am I gonna say now?

I don't know. I...
I haven't done this part yet.

Oh, okay, so every day is not the same.
You can do different things.

Yes, yes, but... inevitably,
I have an orgasm.

- Okay. All right. That's... great.
- You got to believe me.

I don't, but, uh, I'm worried
about you now, so...

Walk me through this
never-ending day?

Okay, um... (SIGHS)
Well, I wake up...

- Just... throw the sheets in...
- Smell of a champ...

- (THUD) Rob!
- Hi, guys.

- A mammogram.
- Nevermore.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Pongsaklek Wonjongkam.

- (CRYING)
- No.

Can I confess something to you?

- Ka-boom.
- (GASPS)

And that's all you can think of?

Well, one time Sally Levinson
kicked an orgasm out of me, but...

- those are the constants.
- Right.

Look, it's, uh, it's getting
late and I have a test tomorrow.

Gabs, come on, okay?
Please? Please help me.

Look, if you're just gonna live this day
over again, you got to tell me earlier.

Like, third period.

And have you not believe
me again? Thanks.

Okay, look. Just, if you
want me to believe you...

When you tell me your story, just
mention the Abraham Lincoln sex fantasy

and I will believe you.

Ew. You have an Abraham
Lincoln sex fantasy?

I had a dream where he...

emancipated my g-spot.

- It was unforgettable.
- Oh, my God.

- Okay, do you want my help or not?
- Just forget it.

We do have one other option.

We can talk to the
smartest person I know.

You've come to me for help.
Pardon me while I savor this moment.

- Told you this was a bad idea.
- Just wait.

Arthur, we really need your help.

While I applaud your decision
to discuss the matter with me,

I have little experience with
mental illness. Also, he's a dick.

You didn't tell me you
were having friends over.

I didn't know. They just showed up.

Nana doesn't like unexpected guests.

- But I didn't...
- They have to leave!

- But...
- This is not up for debate!

Please calm down.

Get them out now before
somebody gets hurt!

I'm sorry, guys, but my mom says you
have to leave before my Nana sees you.

Why? What's up with your Nana?

(SCREAMING)

Mama, no!

(THUDDING)

Aah! Mama!

What the fuck?!

Mama! Mama!

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(THUD)

Mama?

(GURGLES)

Is she dead?

Aah!

- (ALL SCREAMING)
- (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Get her off of me!
Get her off of me!

(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Get her off! Get... her... off.

(MOANS)

(MOANING QUIETLY)

Jadoogar.

(SLURPING)

- Where are you going?
- School.

- Not like that.
- It's okay. It get a do-over.

Hey, Arthur.

- Oh, hey, Rob. I got beer for tonight.
- I need to talk to you.

- I'm pretty busy.
- Are you okay?

No. I'm not okay.
I'm stuck in the same day,

and it's a fucking hell that you can't
even fathom, and it just keeps happening.

I wake up, life kicks the shit out
of me, and then I have an orgasm,

and then I live the same day all over
again, and I know that that sounds crazy,

but it's true, and I think that this
little fucker can explain it to me.

Wow, I've never seen
a midlife crisis before.

- He's 17.
- I always saw him going young.

Drugs or a plane crash.
Anyway, hope it works out, Rob.

- Whoa, whoa, okay.
- Watch it.

- These fibers are delicate.
- All right, so, he's, like, 5.

- Hey, no!
- Hey!

Get back here!
Get back here, you little shit!

Arthur!

Arthur!

Oh, no. Oh.

He's in there.

I'll give you two minutes,
but make it rough on him.

I'm talking "slamming balls
on the toilet seat" rough.

Hey, whoa, whoa.
Uh, maintenance. Keep it moving.

- But it's an emergency.
- I'll fucking kill you.

(GASPS)

Please stop! Someone just
pooped in here! I can smell it!

- What does a "jadoogar" mean?
- Wait, what?

- What does "jadoogar" mean?!
- "Curse"! I think it means "curse"!

- What kind of curse?!
- Like a jinx!

- How do I get rid of one?!
- How should I know?!

- Because your grandma put it on me!
- That's crazy!

- My Nana doesn't even know who you are!
- Your Nana put a fucking jadoogar on me!

No! No way! Please
don't dunk me again.

I can feel sores opening up
on my lips and in my mouth.

(CRYING)

Here.

(SNIFFLES)

If I had a knife, I'd stab
you in the fucking throat.

- Have you checked your voicemail?
- Are you okay?

- You're acting kind of weird.
- The most amazing thing...

- I'm cursed.
- What do you mean, you're cursed?

That first-generation asshole
just told me that I'm cursed

and that this fucking shit-storm of a
day is just going to keep repeating.

- That's ridiculous.
- You know what's ridiculous?

Is wanting to have sexual
intercourse with Abraham Lincoln.

How do you know about that?

Because I've been through every
nook and cranny today has to offer.

You told me to say it,
at 9:00 tonight yesterday.

And then I blew a load on
Arthur's mom's ample chest,

- and then I woke up back where I started.
- Whatever, dude. Listen, this morning...

Lisa's a jizz Jedi.
Nobody cares right now.

- Not like a curse is such a big deal.
- Well, if it's not, then solve it for me.

Okay, it's pretty simple.

A curse is the universe trying to
make you right a cosmic wrong.

You have to figure out what
made the curse start and fix it.

- And how do you know that?
- Duh... the curse of the Bambino.

By some sort of divine intervention,
the Boston Red Sox got Babe Ruth,

and they traded him to the Yankees.

To break the curse,
they had to beat the yanks.

It took them over 80 fucking years, but they
fixed it. The universe is a cruel bitch.

You know, Stanley, you can always say,
"I don't know" every once in awhile.

You don't always have to bullshit every
time there's a pause in the conversation.

Oh, well, if you have a better idea, why are
you still stuck in the same fucking day?

Curses are bullshit. Now say sorry and go
conquer that which has been unconquerable.

- Angela.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

- I got to go.
- Hey!

Dude, I'm still waiting
for the apology.

Kids, tomorrow I'm going to be out
with a substitute and the next day

I'm gonna have a big story to
tell you all about my mammogram.

- Uh, Miss Marconi.
- Rob?

Angela's wanted down
at the main office.

- Do you have a pass?
- No.

- Then she can't go with you.
- Uh, fine.

Angela, tonight. I am coming
over and not for tutoring.

- Rob.
- What?

- Spelling bee.
- Seriously? Spelling bee?

- You okay with that?
- Sure.

You may continue your class now.

Okay, I need you to tell me everything
you know about pleasing a woman.

Jesus.

He's like the bill
belichick of lady parts.

- Promise me you won't watch.
- I can make no such promises.

Aw, motherfucker!

What made you do this?

You know, I wanted to for,
like, the longest time,

and it felt like you were finally
starting to notice me, you know?

Like, maybe the universe
wanted this to happen.

(LAUGHS)

This is really nice. Usually
I'm with older guys, so...

Yeah, well, I am more romance,
less body hair, so...

(BOTH LAUGH)

You know what could be really fun?

If we stopped studying
altogether and just did this.

(LAUGHING) Okay.

That way, I mean, you just have to,
like, hook me up with cheat sheets

- and write my papers for me.
- (CHUCKLES)

But I tutor you.

Yeah, but isn't this better?

I mean, we can fun during
our study sessions,

and then you can go home
and do my work after.

(CHUCKLES)

(SCOFFS) Okay, but...

You don't ever have to
act cool around me.

What?

I thought that's why you like me,
that and I make you feel safe.

- (CHUCKLES) I never said that.
- (CHUCKLES)

You are right. Um... Look,

Angela, you are obviously very, very hot,
but, you know what? This never works out.

I mean, I have tried to have sex with
you like six times, and I'm done.

I mean, I don't know where I'm supposed
to be, but it is definitely not here.

And I'm sorry... white zinfandel?
What are you? Like, 45?

Okay, then you can get
the fuck out of here.

Will do.

Dick. (SCOFFS) White zin's delish.

- That was quick.
- Go fuck yourself.

(WHIMPERS)

(SIGHS)

I talked to my buddies in admissions.
You don't think I would have found out

- that you blew off the interview?
- How'd you even find me?

I went to Gabrielle's to tear
you away from the spelling bee.

She told me you went over to
"what's-her-slut's"... her words.

Dad, it has been a really long day.

Oh. It's not over yet. Here.

Put this on.

There he is.

Oh, Jesus. Okay.
Get your game face on.

Jack Roth?

Yeah?

I'm Jim Crabbe. This is my son, Rob.

We talked on the phone before.

Right. Right.

Have a seat.

Great.

Thanks for seeing us
before you left town.

Jim, could you go get us
some scotch? Couple scotches?

- Service here is shit.
- Oh, sure. Okay.

Um... What'll you have?

Dewar's on the rocks with
a twist. Make it a double.

(SIGHS)

Your dad really wants
you to go to Georgetown.

Yeah.

Do you?

What's going through
your mind right now?

Just that I can't wait
for this day to be over.

You and me both.

My cat shits outside of the box.

Not down the hall or in the basement or
in my bed, just right outside of the box.

- It's a big "fuck you."
- Yeah, what's up with that?

My wife passed away a few months ago.

And the cat really loved her.

He wishes I had died instead of her.
That's what he's saying.

Have you considered that maybe...
your cat's just an asshole?

He is an asshole.

Thank you.

There we go. (CHUCKLES)

Jim, I was just asking your son
why he wants to go to Georgetown,

but I would like to hear it from you. Why
do you want him to go to Georgetown?

Well, my going there was the
transformative experience of my life.

And you just assume that what was
best for you is also the best for him?

Let me put it this way.
I had a choice.

It was either Georgetown or Yale.

Why did you choose Georgetown?

I actually... I didn't choose it.

Georgetown gave me a scholarship.

Sometimes the universe has a way of helping
when you're about to make a mistake.

You're on fire tonight.
Let's get some more drinks.

- Yeah. I'll get them. I'll get them.
- Okay.

(SIGHS)

- Is it French?
- Yes.

- Can I have the definition, please?
- "To determine or appoint beforehand."

Can you use it in a sentence, please?

It is debated whether
the events of our lives

are foreordained or the
product of our own brain."

I don't want to go to Georgetown.

- But all...
- Don't... react. Just feel.

Maybe I want to go.
Maybe not. It doesn't matter.

I'll go to a good school
no matter what, but...

The only thing I know right now
is that I really like Gabrielle.

(CHUCKLES) Like, a lot, and, uh...

Every time today plays out,
I fuck it up.

And I'm not gonna let it happen again.
Gabrielle is my Georgetown.

I have no idea what that means,
but I support you.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

It's gonna be okay.

Can I have my headband back?

Yeah.

- Looks better on you.
- (CHUCKLES) Thanks, Jack.

Let's go get that fucking girl!

- Okeydoke.
- Yeah.

Get in!

- Can you drive?
- Sure.

- Okay.
- Why don't we get some fries, too?

Okay, so what do I do?

- Well, it's too late to knock.
- Which one is her window?

The light's still flickering.
Okay. Yes!

During your darkest time, why was there
only one set of footprints in the sand?

- What?
- Because I carried you, brother.

Get over here.

What are we doing?

You're gonna need a boost.

(GRUNTING)

- What are you doing?
- I need to talk to you.

(EXHALES)

I didn't have sex with Angela.
(CHUCKLES)

N-o...

- Did you hear me?
- Yeah.

You didn't bang the
school slut. What a hero.

- Get the fuck out of my room.
- Gabs, come on.

(TV TURNS OFF)

Stop it, okay?

- (TV TURNS ON)
- (TV TURNS OFF)

- Really?
- I'll buy you a new one. Just...

Listen, okay? When I woke up this
morning, I expected to be here tonight.

I mean, I couldn't imagine a scenario
where I wouldn't have been, but...

I lost sight of that. But I'm
here now, curse or no curse.

Rob! How's it going up there?

- Who's that?
- That is my Georgetown interviewer.

Rob, how's it going?! With the girl?!

What are they doing here?

We had a drink at the hotel.
Shit got deep. Just listen, okay?

I thought that I had
feelings for Angela.

- Rob, leave.
- Well, just let me finish.

- Angela isn't...
- Ugh! This isn't about Angela!

Just... get out.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay. Fine.

I can end this. I just
have to finish you off.

Then you're out of my room and
you're back in yours. Okay?

- What?
- Let's go. Come on.

Whoa! Don't... do that.
Hey, whoa! Hold on!

- It'll be over really fast.
- Gabs, seriously, stop!

- Don't touch me!
- 'Cause that's not hurtful.

Well, if you would just...
Gabrielle, what are you doing?!

Take off your pants
so I can be alone!

- Gabrielle!
- (DOOR OPENS)

- Oh, shit.
- Hi, Dad.

Oh, thank God, sir.

Please don't leave, because
your daughter... (SCOFFS)

She was trying to take
advantage of me, and, uh...

I just want to assure you that I do
not wish to do anything physical

with or to her. (CHUCKLES) Right now.

I'd feel a lot better about this if
you put your shirt back on... dear.

Yeah. Sure. Here you go. (CHUCKLES)

So... look, I'll leave,
if that's what you want, but...

I just want to say, um... I don't
know what I'd do without you.

I mean, you're, like, the only way
that I can get through the day.

Every night before I go to sleep,
I check to see if you texted me.

I mean, you were the one who told me to
stop wearing white socks with black pants.

It's not a good look.

You give me raisins in third period
so my blood sugar doesn't go low.

You don't eat properly.

You download Hall And
Oates songs onto my phone.

That started as a joke,
but now I like them.

- (LAUGHS) Me too.
- I love H&O.

Look, today has been terrible,
Gabrielle, each version of it,

but it's been worth it because today's the
day I finally realized how much I like you.

And now all I want to do is just sit...
several feet away from you

and watch the spelling bee.

But I obviously ruined
all that, so...

I'm just going to leave the way I
came in and hope I get another shot.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh, shit.

So, um...

you're at that age.
You're gonna start having feelings.

Dad, I'd really be more comfortable
talking to mom about this.

Great. She'll be home later. Okay.

Okay, just go... go ahead and jump.
Just count to three and do it.

Yeah, but you're gonna want
to tuck and roll when you hit.

Go for a break, not a sprain.
Heals faster.

That's reassuring. Okay, three...

two...

You want to watch the
rest of the spelling bee?

Yeah.

Can you help me up now, please?

- Yeah. Yes. I can.
- Thank you.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- What did I tell you?

- Love is alive!
- (CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Use it in a sentence?

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

- This one looks young.
- Yeah, yeah. It's his first bee, so...

(ON TV)
Is the language of origin French?

Origin. That is a great stall.
Don't spell it till you know it.

Oh, no. He's imploding.

- Oh, God. I can't watch.
- Oh, don't be such a pussy. Come on.

- Mnh-mnh. Nope. I'm not gonna watch it.
- Come on! Don't be s... oh, wow!

No, okay, you know what?
(LAUGHING) That's really bad.

(ON TV) Unfortunately, you've gone
over your allotted time.

You must leave the stage.

Does anyone know where his mother is?

I've liked you since we first met.

- When I had my lisp?
- (LISPING) Yes.

(CHUCKLES)

I was gonna tell you tonight, and then
I was hoping that the beer would help

and not make me burp.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I was always hoping we'd
be each other's firsts.

Me too.

What do you think's
going on in there?

I think... it feels kind of weird.

Shush. Do you hear that?

This feels awkward.

I feel... I feel unusually
comfortable.

- (LAUGHING) Okay.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Should we?
- Yes.

I mean, like, now?

Okay, but you should know I
haven't had the best luck with...

Rob, just try and relax.

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, God.

(GASPING)

I... I'm sorry. I'm... (MOANING)

Rob? What happened?

I mean, besides the obvious.

I'm not in my bed.

I'm in your bed.

And my mom's not here.

- Do you need raisins?
- No.

I don't need anything.

I am right where I'm supposed to be.

- You know what?
- What?

We should have done
something like this sooner.

(CHUCKLES)

I've always wanted to.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Let's try it again.

(CHUCKLES)

(GROUPLOVE'S "TONGUE TIED" PLAYS)

That is a wrap! We have a champion!

Yay!

♪ Take me to your best friend's house
Goin' 'round this roundabout ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Take me to your best friend's house
I loved you then, I love you now ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Don't take me tongue tied ♪

So, why do you want
to go to Georgetown?

George who?

Smart. Beautiful. You're
exactly what Georgetown needs.

- Are you married?
- No. Not anymore. (CHUCKLES)

My wife is dead. (LAUGHS)

♪ Normally we're making out ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, take me to your
best friend's house ♪

She curb-stomped my genitals.
With her shoes.

You should have punched
her in the pussy.

(LAUGHS)

- Harder!
- Do it!

Give her a tit bruise!

Give her a tit bruise!

Squeeze her tit until milk comes out!

(HIGH-PITCHED) Hi, daddy.

- (NORMAL VOICE) Fucking...
- (LAUGHTER)

No, I can do this.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Hi, daddy.
Welcome to my pu pu platter.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Fuck.

I'll do anything. Anything.

Put my finger in my butt
and make me pump it.

I help you jerk off.
I make you explode.

Do me doggie style and
then we can eat dog.

(LAUGHTER)

I've had, like, seven
orgasms so far today.

Seven?

That's three more than me.

Seven?

You have to come to Georgetown.

You can make a lot
of money, young man.

(LAUGHING) That is so... wow.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Is that selling it?

(BOTH GASPING)

(BOTH LAUGH)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Take me to your
best friend's house ♪

♪ I loved you then, I love you now ♪

♪ Don't leave me tongue tied ♪

♪ Don't wave no goodbyes ♪

♪ Don't leave me tongue tied ♪

♪ Do-o-o-o-n't ♪

♪ Don't leave me tongue tied ♪

♪ Don't wave no goodbye ♪

♪ Don't leave me tongue tied ♪

♪ Do-o-o-o-n't ♪