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[reporter] A surprising development
in the Judy King saga...

This photo, leaked from inside
Litchfield Correctional Facility,

catches the Queen of Cuisine
in a romantic embrace

-with an African-American inmate.
-[Suzanne exclaims]

This undermines the allegations of racism
that have been swirling

since the discovery of an offensive
1983 cable access video.

The identity of the inmate
remains unknown.

-[laughing]
-[grunting]

Okay, y'all, so what y'all gonna do
with y'all cash money?

[chuckling]

Yo, I'm gonna take my girl
to Amsterdam.

Rent a bounce house
in the shape of a frog.

I'm gonna follow D'Angelo around

like them white people
be following that band Phish,

where they spell the word "fish" wrong.

-What about you, Watson?
-[clicks tongue] Oh, you know.

Probably spend most of it on rims.

-[all laughing]
-[Suzanne] Jesus!

[all laughing]

Y'all, we ain't think this shit through.

Man, stop cryin' about it already.

You was so hyped about being famous and--

Okay, first of all,
some brown puffs are famous.

Not me.

And two, how do you think
this gonna play upstairs?

Are you talking about... God?

[softly] I'm talkin' about Caputo.

Yo, don't even worry about it, man.
We got Judy on our side.

Y'all still ain't gettin' it,
are you?

She used us.

Now, she out there
lookin' post-racial as shit,

and I'm about to get
a boot up my black ass.

Lesbians...

Am I right?

[Piscatella] What the hell is this?

Anyone want to fill me in?

Who was on Judy King duty today?

It was me,
but she told me to get lost.

She said she doesn't need
a babysitter anymore.

Well, I can see why.

I tried to stay,
but she got really irritated,

and Caputo told us
to keep her happy, so--

As far as I'm concerned,
she's his problem to deal with now.

But what I want to know
is how this photo got out.

[chuckling] Eh.

You know inmates.
Always up to something.

Right.

Well, guess what time it is, people.

It's time for a phone sweep.

Oh, no.
Sir, I don't think that'll help.

You know, they'd hide their shit in, like,
places you wouldn't think to look--

-Well, start thinking... and looking.
-Okay.

[stuttering] You're talking about
dismantling every electrical appliance,

lifting up the ceiling tiles,
and getting into the HVAC system.

Snaking the drains,
tearing apart all the mattresses.

[stuttering] I hear they hide
their shit in shit.

Like, in the porta potties.

For real.
It's nasty.

Oh, sorry, I-- I didn't realize
this was going to be hard.

You know what?
Instead, let's just...

go over to my place
and watch Bachelorette.

[softly] Okay.

Why don't you head this one up, Luschek?

Think of it as your chance to impress me.

Oh, and one more thing.

CO Mooney down at Max
says the SHU's almost full.

There's one or two cells left.
That's it.

Which means we can't be sending
people down there all willy-nilly.

Pell-mell.

[stuttering] So, what are we
supposed to do?

Go freestyle.

I put that donut in my pants.

[snickering]

Now there's a bunch of white girls
pushing back on us in the TV room.

We gave 'em Tuesday nights,
straight up.

Now they asking for
an extra hour on Thursday

so that they can watch
something called Bones,

which is about a lady
named Bones, apparently?

Give it to them.

You just gonna bend like that?

We got power now.
We can't be petty and shit.

They come to us,
we should be reasonable.

Also, I want order in the cafeteria.

Don't be marching in there,
taking people's tables.

-That ain't fair.
-We gotta sit.

So pick out a couple of tables.
Make them our tables.

Anybody sits there, it's trouble.

They sit somewhere else,
we leave them alone. You hear me?

We don't need the COs
lookin' at us all the time.

[in Spanish] They already
look at us all the time.

While they're frisking us.

[in English] Anybody else?

[sighs]

Okay, we're done.

Oh, and if that Moroccan tweaker
doesn't pay us today,

we start breaking fingers.

Dibs.

Yo, the stop-and-frisk is bullshit.

I hear you,
but they ain't gonna find anything.

It's no problem.

[in Spanish] It's fucking degrading!

Being in prison is fucking degrading.

There's nothing we can do about it,
so let's suck it up, okay?

They're not even really looking
for anything now.

Exactly.

They're just groping us
to show us they can.

It's not right.

Let it go, Blanca.

[in English]
Oh, and take a shower, man!

You smell like a skunk that OD'd
on vinegar and died.

[in Spanish] The lines in the bathroom
are too damn long.

[in English]
There's a lot of us. Go now.

There's no lines.
I'll cover for you in the kitchen.

Thank you.

Hmm.

[Millie] Bianca?

[Blanca sighs]

-Bianca!
-[sighs]

[yelling] Bianca!

[sighs]

Yes, missus?

I'm hungry.

I was in the shower.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

I got hungry.

[Millie] And heat that soup up
on the stove.

Not the microwave.

-It makes it taste different.
-[sighs]

Margaret called.

Oh.

Too busy to talk to her own mother
more than once a week,

and then when she does call,

she won't stop harping
on the nursing home.

You can't call a structure covered in
spray-on stucco "golden" anything.

I'm speaking to you.
Please don't stand there like a half-wit.

She worries about you.

Oh, not about me.
About herself.

She wants to get her hands on this house.

Pack me off to watch Wheel of Fortune

and drool with other
unloved old people.

No, thank you.

She seemed nice.

Of course she did.
You only met her that one time.

That's how she acts,
you know...

[imitating Margaret] "Oh, I want you
to have doctors nearby

in case you need them."

-[in normal voice] It's all for show.
-What did you tell her?

Same as usual.

"I'm staying right here in my own home.
Go take a long walk on a short pier."

-[inhales sharply]
-[engine whirring]

And I have you,
that's all I need.

Who's that?

A bit of a hood for my taste,

but, uh, Patty from church says
he worked wonders with her shrubs.

This soup is terrible.

I'm starving, but the thought
of actually eating makes me want to yurg.

Well, maybe it's because this food looks
like something a walrus would regurgitate

to feed its least favorite baby.

I-- [grunts]

You know what?
I don't mind it so much anymore.

I did grow up eating mushy food,

because my mother had the weak teeth,
you realize.

Is it, like, super bright in here?

Do you know what I want?

A burger...

from Shake Shack.

I legit just, like,
teared up a little bit.

Seared on the grill with tomato
and melted cheese...

On a fresh, soft, potato roll.

-With a milkshake.
-Nah, don't get greedy.

It's my fantasy.

And I can have a milkshake
with a side of Cate Blanchett.

My veins hurt right now
and you're thinking about sex?

No, dummy.

I want someone to massage my head

and she looks like
she'd have really cool fingers.

Hey, there.
You're really being a bit of a downer.

I'm sorry.

Is my mood not up to your standards?

No one asked you to plop yourself
down right in front of me.

[scoffs] I'm sitting here
'cause we're all friends.

Okay, is that what we are now?

You need to stop blaming me
for finding someone, hon.

-Mmm-hmm.
-It's not like my feelings for you

just went away.

But I... didn't just jump into the first
pair of Mookee pants that came along.

I have no idea what you did...

but you sure as fuck did something,

because you can't
keep your head up right now.

Don't try to change the subject,
okay? [scoffs]

It's been, like, months

and how do you even meet someone,
let alone get married--

Okay, stop. Stop it.
Stop it. You left.

You were the one who left, right?

I didn't know if you were coming back.

And it's your fault, because you love
heroin more than you loved me.

For your information,
I was clean at the time,

you peanut-brained,
fickle-hearted whore.

So...

So, how is everyone?

Oh, you know.

-[scoffs]
-Pretty awesome.

She's on drugs, Red.

-[scoffs] Oh, God.
-[Lorna] Just take a look at her.

She's smacked out of her gourd.

[sighs]

What, are we all gonna pretend
this isn't happening?

[Lorna scoffs]

Feels like a "yes."

Food stays in the cafeteria, Sister.
You know that.

I'll do what I want,
you moron.

You fucking moron.

I think your blood sugar
might be off again, Sister.

Oh, you think?

With your teeny-tiny brain?

[softly] Look, just take it, okay?

And don't tell anyone.

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

You know, if you're gonna poop
in the shower,

at least you could plan ahead.

Like, do it in a shower cap,
and take it with you after.

Just common decency.

But you wouldn't know
anything about that, would you?

I mean, I know for some people,
drugs is the most important thing.

But guess what?
For the rest of us, we have feelings.

And noses and gag reflexes.

And Janitorial is hard enough
without you leaving your mess behind,

once you found what you been looking for.

And I think you might have worms.

So deal with that.

[gasps]

-Okay, gun to your head...
-Mmm-hmm.

...do you run over an old lady,

or do you turn the wheel
and crash yourself into a wall?

How old is the old lady?

[sighs]

Seventy-six...
No, seventy-two.

How's her health?

-You know, it's been better.
-Mmm-hmm.

But she's all there in her head.
You know, she does puzzles and shit.

-I think I mow her down.
-Me, too.

Gun to your head,

-do you eat ten dead flies...
-Ugh!

...or an alive baby mouse?

-Mmm! Flies, for sure.
-Gross!

The wings would stick to your tongue
and your tonsils and everything.

Yeah, but at least
it won't be wiggling no more.

A baby mouse is like a big jelly bean.

I would just swallow it whole.

Speaking of flies on the wall.
Hmm.

Hey, watch out for this one.
She's more than meets the eye.

Mmm, I don't know about that.

I mean, we've been friends for a long time
and as far as I can see,

it's all pretty much right here.

Hmm. I guess you don't know her like I do.

[in Spanish] You got something going on
in that van,

don't you, princess?

Did you get the money?

No, they've not sent the check yet.

-[sighs]
-And I think he knows.

He's toying with me.

Ordered me to search for a phone
that's currently in my pocket.

No, I don't think that man toys.

Oh, I have a shifty face.
I can't help it.

I come from shifty-faced people.

I invite suspicion
even when I'm not guilty.

Man, if they trace this thing
to my fuckin' number--

Joel.

They are just a bunch of bozos
who failed Police Academy.

They've been to war!

Inside Weekly has a vested interest
in protecting their sources.

You know, I gotta tell you,
this pissin'-in-your-pants thing

is kind of a turn-off.

Well, at least there's that.

[inmates chatting indistinctly]

[clicks tongue]

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

DeMarco.
That's Italian, right?

Nah, I'm 100% Hispanic.

Don't let the classical features fool you.

I could be up to anything.

Okay.

Take your time.

Ay, caramba.

[woman speaking indistinctly
on walkie-talkie]

Jesus Christ, inmate.

I'm going, okay?

Yeah, get outta here.
Maybe boil those clothes.

[in Spanish] Truth is, I don't know
what we would do without you, Dario.

You make it so much easier.

For you, it's my pleasure.

No one calls me Dario, you know.

-What do they call you?
-Diablo.

I was a little wild
when I was younger.

Went to jail for a while.

What for?

Armed robbery.

We hit up a jewelry store.

A jewel thief?

Oh, so you were a bad boy.

[in English] I can't understand
what you're saying.

It's rude.

[in English]
Let's get you in the car, okay?

[in Spanish] But... you aren't
scared of me, are you?

I killed her husband.

[both laugh]

Okay, not really.

[both chuckle]

[in English] Careful.

[sighs]

[in Spanish] But sometimes
I wish I'd done more exciting things.

Not murder.

But... what do I know?

Something more.

Travel, for example.

I've never even been to New York City.

Ah, good.
There's still time, you know?

[sighs]

I live with an old lady.

I have to send money back home.

Mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Bianca!

-[sighs]
-Why are you loitering? Let's go.

[in English] Just a minute. [groans]

[in Spanish] Why does she call you Bianca?

She read my name before she met me
and she thought the "L" was an "I."

Now she says she likes it better.

[laughing]

That's fucked up.

What do I care, right?

[Millie pounding on window]

[Millie] I'm waiting!
Get in the car!

[sighs]

[Diablo snickers]

[in Spanish] So... we'll see each other.

[Luschek] Score.

That's six phones for me.

[sighs]

This is new.

It's my "me" time.

You get out in two days.

You're gonna have
all-you-can-eat "me" time.

And I'm gonna need it,
the way you're up in my ass in here.

Look, just 'cause I'm getting out,

don't mean we gonna get all "Kumbaya"
and shit right now, okay?

There's gonna be no crying

or making each other
friendship bracelets or whatever.

[sighs]

I just thought we could hang out.

Burn your ugly face into my brain...

so I can remember you
when it's too peaceful around here.

[scoffs]

Please.

Don't pretend like you ain't gonna be
relieved when I'm gone.

Oh, trust.

It's gonna be a party
when that van door closes on your ass.

[sighs]

But you're still my mom.

I'm gonna miss you.

Listen, we're grown-ups.

It is what it is.

[sighs]

Tell me what you
know about this.

-Hmm.
-[clicks tongue] Nothin'.

What, you think that's me?

Let's call it a hunch.

All right. How 'bout you let me take this,
okay, hun-bun?

Now, we are both as upset
as you are about this, I can assure you.

You know, we have done our best,
with very limited resources...

to try and...
make you comfortable here.

Now, I appreciate that,
I really do.

And you repay us by staging
and selling...

[stuttering] this crazy photo?

Look, I... I don't want to sound
like I'm full of myself... [chuckles]

but, you know,
there are people out there,

and in here,
in this case,

who are interested
in taking pictures of celebrities,

even minor ones such as myself.

Mmm-hmm. It ain't her fault the paps
after her like a Jolie-Pitt baby.

Ah. You're saying you had
no knowledge of this photo being taken.

I'm just living my life, Mr. Caputo.

And while I am aware
that a jailhouse romance is discouraged...

sometimes... [sighs]

you just can't fight your passions.

Now, I'm sure that you are no stranger
to the vagaries of love.

Jesus, Judy, give me a break here.

[inhaling deeply]
The heart wants what it wants.

And you're telling me...
that your heart wants...

-her?
-Mmm-hmm.

[clicks tongue] What, you ain't never
heard of a May-December romance before?

I think it's more like June-October.
[chuckles]

-[chuckles]
-[sighs]

I'm the sexy arm candy here

and Judy Pants is my aging playboy.

-Ah...
-Mmm. [cooing]

It's classic.

I hear you walk out of here

and went your separate ways,

I will come down on both of you
like The Wrath of Khan.

Like in Star Trek?

I mean God.
The wrath of God.

This better be the real thing.

Hey, this is a lot of pressure
to put on a new relationship.

In your case, I'm sure it'll just bring
the two of you closer together.

-I think so, yes. My girl.
-[chuckles]

Please leave.

[sighs] Guess I could grab a beverage
while we're waiting.

I ain't telling you what to do,

but I kinda feel like staying sharp
and letting them get messed up early

is the only way you're gonna
dominate beer pong later.

Maybe you're right.

[clattering]

You ever think about how it's weird
that there's always a gardener around

when there's a whole grounds crew
that basically works for free?

You're right, that is weird.
[sniffs]

Also he has really nice shirts...
for a gardener.

Hey, you!

[Dixon] Yeah, you!
Stay right there!

[panting]

[grunts]

[groans]

-Why are you running?
-[stutters] No reason.

[grunts]

[panting]

What are you,
some kind of perv?

Trying to jerk it through the fence
to some prison tang?

I see you around here again,
you'll be shitting your own teeth, Pablo.

[Digori] What's this thing
supposed to be, anyway?

[Brandy] I thought Caputo said it was
supposed to be a school or somethin'.

Fuck that.

I don't want anyone stickin' anything
in my brain I didn't give say-so for.

We could all stand
to learn stuff, I guess.

[scoffs] Come on.

They're gonna send some volunteer
college derp with a straight part

who's gonna get all Dangerous Minds
when it turns out you can't read.

You can't read?

I mean, I probably can.

I'm not stupid.
I just choose not to.

Well, that's how they get you.
With words.

They put ideas in the words
that make you start thinking.

I never thought about it that way.

Yeah.

Well, then,
all of a sudden you're like,

"What if other people
are having these experiences

that are different than mine,
but still totally legit?

And what if I'm supposed to think about
that before I start judging their lives?"

That's... chaos. [scoffs]

Yeah.
No, thank you.

Should we do something about Nicky?

Like what?

Look, it's not like I don't care.
I've just seen it before, you know?

You can't make them change
unless they want to,

and if you try, they usually end up
hating your guts.

I really just think
we shouldn't have done...

you know, crack.
With her.

Well, yeah.
I mean, in hindsight.

Although, to be fair...
crack is like potato chips to Nicky.

A little something to slake your appetite
while you're figuring out dinner.

Speaking of dinner.

CO Bayley.

Chapman.

-Hi.
-Hmm.

Vause and I were thinking,

since you're such a super-nice guy

and so good at moving things
across enemy lines...

What do you want now?

-A burger.
-Two, ideally. One for each of us.

-With cheese. Yep.
-Cheese is key.

Uh... Yeah.

Really?

Sure.
Oh, but first I get a handjob.

-[Alex groans]
-You know, from before.

The panty thing.
You basically owe me.

Hmm.

They grow up so fast.

[clears throat]

Boo. Hey.

Oh, hey.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Give.

[both chuckle]

So, something kind of weird happened.

Oh, yeah? [sniffs]

Donuts apologized.

[laughs] Right.

No, he did, for real.

He was really sweet about it.

Ooh.
Well, good for him, huh?

Oh, oh, hell, no.

No, no, no, Doggett.
That ain't the way this works.

He doesn't get to constantly rape someone
and then apologize and make it go away.

I'm not saying it's gotta just "go away."

Boo, I am so tired of walking around
feeling shitty every day.

Fine, but guess what?

He gets to feel shitty
for the rest of his natural life.

Oh, and beyond when
he's a tandoori skewer in hell.

What if he's just like a regular person
who made a mistake?

Right? I mean, come on,
we both know I'm not innocent.

Yeah, but you never--

Okay, you did...

shoot a human being
with a hunting rifle.

But she had it coming.

[softly] No, she didn't.

I do not like where this is headed.

Oh, Boo,
he ain't goin' anywhere, okay?

And we all live here together.

And I'm really tired of walkin' around
like a dog with mange.

You should've rammed that broomstick
right up his sphincter

when you had the chance!

You know, the thing is, I really liked him
before all that happened.

If you go back to giving that maggot
the time of day,

I swear to fuckin' God, Doggett,
to God...

I'm done with you!

[softly] Fuckin' kiddin' me
with this shit.

[grunts]

How's it going, kids?

[exhaling]

You're sure feeling frisky today.

I've transgressed, and I'm ready
to accept my punishment.

[sighs]

Yo, McCullough.

I believe this makes the score
11 to 8.

God damn it.

Uh, say a dozen Hail Marys
or something.

[sighs]

It was actually super nice.
We went to Starbucks in Hoboken.

Did you know you can
get a Frappuccino there

that tastes just like Fruity Pebbles?

-Get out.
-It's on the secret menu.

-Vince told me about it.
-Oh... that's nice.

Did he talk about me?

Oh, of course, he did.

Kept sayin' how much he misses you.

Well, if he misses me so much,
why'd he skip visitation?

Why is he dodging my calls?

It's a long drive, Lorna.
And he works.

And the football just started.
You know how boys are.

I thought you're supposed to be
on my side.

I am. I am.

I'm just saying, you know.

I think he's a good person.
Real sweet.

Did he mention anyone else?

Nothing like that.

I mean, honestly,
he seems kinda lonely.

Good.

I invited him to our tailgate
next weekend.

-Really?
-Why not?

I figured he and Jack would get along.

Oh, he and Jack?

Sure. He's so funny,
that Vinny. [chuckles]

I know.
I know he's funny.

Because he's my husband,
'cause I married him, in case you forgot.

You asked me to go meet up with him.

[breathes deeply]

-What did you wear?
-The usual.

A top and a skirt.

Oh, my God!

Oh...

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

[in Spanish] Guess who
didn't get frisked today?

[in English] This guy.

What'd you do,
dress up like a book?

No.

[in Spanish] I didn't do anything.
Including shower.

If you stink, they don't touch you.

-[in English] Gross, man.
-Gross?

[in Spanish] I'm a rebel genius.

The Che Guevara of hallway groping.

People already think Dominicans
are dirty and low class.

Where's your dignity?

If dignity for you is letting a guard
stick his hand up your shirt,

then be my guest.

[in English] Yo, she do got a point.

Oh-- Nah, B.
I gotta shower every day,

or I get sticky between my tetas.

[in English]
You don't gotta be dirty.

You just gotta smell bad.

I see.

[in Spanish] A little behind the ears?

They treat us like we're not people.

[in English] I got these pudding cups
from commissary

and when I opened one, it was rancid.
Smells like a fart died.

This pepper shit makes my eyes water.

[in Spanish] Now you're talking.

[in English] Oh, shit.

[groans]

-It burns! It burns! Shit!
-[all laughing]

Ah! Shit!

[cackling]

Oh, come on!

I've been looking for this church door
for ten minutes

and it was right there in your pile.

Sorry.

Where's Dario?

I had to let him go.

He did something wrong?

I felt he wasn't as focused
as he should be.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that you have a job to do,
and he was a big distraction.

And those tattoos.

You're jealous... because we had fun.

Fun? I saw the way he looked at you.
Dirty!

You get involved with a person like that

and you'll regret it,
sooner rather than later.

I promise you.

Now, I-- I have to go
to the little girls' room.

That was his job.

That's how he earns a living.

He's a person.

And I'm a person.

I don't just live to work for you.

I'm not going to be around forever, honey.

And I have half a mind
to leave this house to you,

if only to teach Margaret a lesson.

So, you keep playing your cards right

and you might be looking
at a very bright future.

[scoffs] But I have to put
my life and my hoo-ha in storage.

[scoffs] Don't be vulgar, Bianca.

Now, I said I have to pee!

[straining]

[both grunt]

[inmates chatting indistinctly]

Let's talk about how my cousin
got tackled in the woods.

He's burnt on this job now.

-Yeah, that's a downer.
-Really?

You wanna cut the attitude or
should I come back with some friends?

I got nothing to do with that, okay?

I can't help what happens out there.

[scoffs] You think
I'm some kind of shit-for-brains?

You tell me you don't want to run no more
and three days later

the game blows up
when there's no one around except you?

That creepy guard was all up in it,
you can ask Gonzales.

Lurking around,
dropping hints and shit.

It was gonna go jank any minute,
I'm telling you.

Then you come to me about it.

This is my business
and I make the fucking decisions--

Oh, I know you do.

And if he came after us,
you would've decided

to push me under the bus
in one second.

And walk away like you never knew me,

and don't even try to front
like that ain't the truth.

Van.

It's not a bus,
it's a van.

I saved you.
And I ain't even Dominican.

So, if you wanna bruise me up,
I guess I can't do much about it.

Walk, Ramos!

Faster.

Think about it this way...

You have maybe five minutes
of pig-in-a-blanket...

for eight or nine minutes
of pure burger bliss.

Just don't look down because if his dick
looks like a chicken neck,

you'll never unsee it.

Why are we assuming that I'm the one
who's going to be doing it?

[chuckles]
'Cause you're the straight one.

Fuck you. Guaranteed lifetime tally,
you have given more handjobs than I have.

-Ten to one.
-Only to get out of having sex.

Whereas I just had the sex.

Ergo, this is your field of expertise.

You think this kid needs an expert?

I seriously doubt he's a connoisseur.

Also, you're the one that gave him
the handjob idea to begin with.

Because society has conditioned me
to see female sexuality as currency.

Right! And it's time to spend
a little in exchange for a burger.

Touché.

How're you doing?

[sighs]

Um, I mean, I have nightmares,
paranoia...

sweaty, PTSD micro-flashbacks,

but other than that...
it's horrible.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

I did sound insane.
I get that.

I guess we're not gonna get
those burgers, huh?

Probably not.

Also, because we could both probably use,

like, a week where we don't do
something pathetic and/or...

morally incriminating.

Where your first thought
in the morning isn't,

"I have defiled myself
in the eyes of God and man."

Imagine what that would feel like.

It's no melted cheese and onion.

[sighing]

Next!

Whoa!

Man, I know Latina girls
are supposed to be spicy,

but I had no idea it was this literal.

You ever hear anything
about a general fishiness?

-Hey!
-Hmm?

You might want to check in
with Medical, inmate.

-Hmm?
-Mmm-hmm.

[woman speaking indistinctly
on walkie-talkie]

[sniffs] Ugh!

I thought I told you
to shower, Flores.

Oh, yeah,
I plan to get on that.

[coughs] This isn't BO.

You've doused yourself in something evil.

Is this some kind of game?

Jenga is a game.

-This is civil disobedience.
-Yeah, well, it's over.

Next time I see you,
you smell like a goddamn daisy

or you're not gonna like
what happens next.

You can put me in jail, but you can't
tell me what to do with my own body.

And yet, it's happening.

Go get cleaned up.
With soap!

And I'm not messing around.

I'm talking to all of you.

So, I said,

-"Now listen, you limey bitch!"
-Ooh!

-[chuckles]
-"You steal one more recipe from me

and I'm gonna have to put you
through the grinder attachment

to your KitchenAid
Professional Series Mixer."

[laughing] Oh, shit! Yo.

[chuckles] Man!
Who knew Nigella was so basic?

And, you know, the truth is...

she is awesome.

I mean, we get high together sometimes
and make out.

-Oh, and...
-Hmm.

...she has a dessert recipe
called "Caribbean Creams."

I named it for her breasts

when she took off her bikini top one time
in Turks and Caicos.

-[all laughing]
-Chi! Chi! Chi!

Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi!

Isn't it getting late?

[chuckles] Yeah. She's right.
It's almost lights out.

All right, well,
peace, J-Kizzle!

[all laughing]

[speaking Italian]

Hmm?

Okay, I have no idea what that means.

But it's classy.
Later, girlfriend.

[chuckling]

Lotta people hanging out here
all of a sudden.

Yeah, well, it's nice to have friends.

We are social animals, after all.

It's just, we've got...
some nice stuff in here.

Aren't you worrying about... stealing?

What, is that because they're blacks?

Of course not.

It's because they're in prison.

Stealing is what people do here.

And because they're poor.

Now, I think you're getting
a bit paranoid, Jonesy.

I'm telling it like it is.

And so what if they do steal?

[scoffs] MCC has given us all this stuff,

it's not as if we deserve it any more
than anybody else out there.

Exactly when did you
turn into Abbie Hoffman?

-[scoffs]
-You're as capitalist as they come.

Oh, I'm sorry, but this...

[chuckling] is not capitalism.

[inmates chatting indistinctly]

[woman speaking indistinctly
on walkie-talkie]

[fan whirring]

[chuckles] Now we're talking.

[chuckles]

I blew out all my commissary money.

Figured you could use it
when it gets all stank in here.

Thank you.

For real.

What about you, huh?

You gonna be okay out there?

[sighs]

I have my doubts.

Come on.
You're like a cockroach, Diaz.

When we're all dead, you still gonna
be crawling around the garbage,

saying mean shit to the other roaches.

I gotta ask you a favor.

Dayanara.

You know I'ma look out for her.

Don't let her get into trouble.

She's a good girl.

All the shit she's been through.

This place could change her, you know?

Turn her cold and mean.

I ain't gonna let that happen.

And even when you feel like giving up.

Don't let her see nothing
like that on your face.

You gotta hold her up,
you hear me?

She's your daughter now.

Long as you're in here.

[scoffs] Daughters.

They're the fucking worst.

[toilet flushing]

[coughing]

[chuckles]

Well, look who it is.

You're trying to get sent back to Max?

Oh, my God.
Prison is prison, right?

[inhaling deeply]

What happened to you?

You stole from me to buy drugs.

[sighs] And we're off.

Yeah, okay.

No, go ahead.

Get all up in my eyeballs with your...

fucking angry Brando impression, okay?

Uh... call me a loser.

[groans] Cut me off from the family.

[softly] All right.

Whatever you wanna do.

[sobbing]

I failed you.

[softly] Holy shit.

[continues sobbing]

I should have been watching.

I should have known you were in trouble.

And then you got taken away,
and now...

Please, just don't cry, Red.

Look at you.

-You look like you're dead already.
-[sighs]

[Red sniffles]

It was always hopeless.
[chuckles]

I am not your fault.

Well, I played tough with Tricia,

and now she's in the prison cemetery
with her name spelled wrong.

[sobbing]

Tell me what to do, Nicky.
[sniffles]

I don't know what to do!

[both crying]

[inmates talking indistinctly]

[Blanca] Hmm, what is that? Oysters?

Want one?

[sniffs]

[Blanca panting]

[grunting]

[grunting continues]

[laughing]

[moans loudly]

[inmates talking indistinctly]

Hey.
No touching.

Oh, okay.

But be sure to let Mr. Caputo know
that we were touching.

Mmm-hmm.

Eh, so what's gonna happen when your
Dukes of Hazzard-lovin' cracker fans

-see that photo?
-[chuckles]

Ooh, their Frito pie gonna fall
right outta they mouths.

I'll say, "Sorry 'bout that."

-And that's it?
-Mmm, pretty much.

You know, you can cheat
on your wife with hookers

who indulge you in your diaper fetish

and still be the senator from Louisiana,
so long as you apologize.

See, that is the great thing
about the love of Jesus.

Oh, no, don't you start with me about
that holy white evangelical bullshit.

They a buncha hypocrites.

Killing science and education and refusin'
to marry the nice gay couples,

but then bein' all "rah-rah the Holy Land"
when they really think...

that my people got horns
and that we all gonna broil in hell.

Oh. Oh, wait. Hold up.
You're Jewish?

I cannot believe that those posers
just smoked us

on the unspoken,
interracial, prison couple power ranking.

[chuckles] Well, we ain't
about competition, all right?

We just doin' our thing.
Our real thing.

I know.

I'm not trying to sell us short
or anything,

but it's like they're Beyoncé and Jay Z
and we're just Kim and Kanye.

Yo, that hurts.
I ain't gonna lie.

[Angie] It's like, about
this super-nerdy teacher,

and, um, he finds out
he has, like, terminal cancer.

And so he starts making meth
to make money for his family.

But... [stuttering]

Except, he dyes it blue
for some reason.

No, I would never do blue meth.

That color ain't natural.

So what happens?

I'm guessing it goes wrong somehow.

Man, we're missing out on all the best TV.

I swear,
I mighta cleaned up my act

if I knew I was gonna end up
in a place with only network.

Well, we got some basic cable.
Like that show with the lawyers on USA.

Are they lawyers or are they FBI guys?

The FBI guys were in Miami--

Uh, that's not Miami,
it's Long Island.

Mmm-mmm. He's a doctor...
or maybe CIA.

So nobody's a lawyer?

No, there are lawyers, for sure.

Man, I thought that was
just one long show.

[Leanne and Angie chuckle]

Well, look who's not too good
to knock trays with us hill trolls.

Got tired of your butchy girlfriend?

She ain't my girlfriend.

Suit yourself.

[Digori grunts] I heard
that there is this show

that was like,
just people shooting zombies.

Yo, yo.
You gotta check this.

[speaking indistinctly]

[both chuckling]

[groans]

Listen, if your mind is starting to go,
just tell me

and I'll mercy break your neck,
so you don't end up in Psych.

You told me Crystal's case was stalled

because we couldn't prove
that Sophia's in the SHU.

And you think you could prove that?

I know it's all isolation down there.

But there's a shower facility, right?

One that everyone uses
at one time or another.

-If I can get word to her--
-I mean, I'm half-Catholic myself,

but what you're talking about
is a kinda miracle.

I have a phone.
With a camera.

In a very uncomfortable place.

[scoffs] You are one crazy bitch.

Thank you, Mendoza.

[sighs] I'm pretty scared,
to be honest.

The SHU's a scary place.

You wanna get sent down there,
you can't be pulling this piddly shit.

-You gotta do something serious.
-I know.

It's just that,
I don't want to hurt anybody, you know?

I was an activist,
but always non-violent.

Sometimes you gotta think
about the greater good.

-[grunts]
-Oh! Shit!

Good for you.

Ow! Ow!

Tell me I didn't see
what I just saw.

No, this monster almost
broke my jaw, Officer.

And I'd do it again, Latino!

-[inmates gasp]
-Oh! Hell, no!

You need to get her outta here
'cause she is a threat to our safety!

Oh! [groaning]

Shit!

Let's go, Ingalls.

[inmates cheering]

Here you go. [grunts]

I am pleasantly surprised.

Yeah, I, uh...

I took the liberty of looking through them
for that crazy photo,

but, uh, they're clean.

Well, not clean.

There's some gnarly snaps,
but, uh, not the one we're looking for.

[inhales deeply]

So, I guess some things
will always be a mystery.

Hey, what's your background,
CO Luschek?

Uh... mostly Scottish.

Some French fur traders, way back.

No, I mean,
how did you end up here?

Oh, uh, you know, attrition.

It's just... [sighs]

you should so clearly
be working at a GameStop.

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

Whoa! Are you for real, Flores?
The fuck did I tell you?

Oh, man,
I don't remember.

Get on it.

[in Spanish] What am I, a goat?

I said get up on the table, inmate!

Now, you're gonna stand there

and you're gonna think about
all the decisions that you've been making.

[in English] Does that mean
I don't have to go back to work?

No, you're not going anywhere.

Your job is to stand...

-[slams table]
-...on this table,

until you're ready to quit
dicking me around!

[in Spanish] Well, dude...
that could be a while.

Call me all the Spanish names
you want, mami.

We'll see how you feel
when your knees start to give.

Morning.

Coffee.

Careful, it's hot.

I microwaved it.

[sighs]

Problem?

No, no.

Good.
Let's get dressed.

-[door creaking]
-Hmm, let's see.

Maybe... pink today?

Yes?

Mmm-hmm.

[sighs]

Hey, Ramos.

I have something for you.

No, thanks.
I'm cool.

Come in for a minute.

I gotta be back at the warehouse

to get some towels and stuff
for down the hill.

[breathing heavily]

[Humphrey] It's your game.

The one you were talking
about with your friend.

I thought we could play.

-This is disgusting.
-You're the one who made it up.

-I thought you'd get a kick out of it--
-Well, I don't.

[Humphrey] You gotta pick one.

You can't make me do this.

I think you're forgetting your situation.

My situation is,
you don't got nothing on me now.

Look around,
you're not gonna find one thing.

-[gun cocks]
-[gasping]

-Gun to your head.
-[gasps]

[sobbing]

It might not be Shake Shack,
but it's 100% guilt-free.

Here's to the off-brand
Spam sandwich of righteousness.

Cheers.

You know what?
Fuck righteousness.

You make a valid point.

Mmm.

Uh, so here's the thing.

I'm gonna get clean.

Okay.

[inmates yelling indistinctly]

[woman speaking indistinctly
on walkie-talkie]

[inmate yelling]

[inmates chatting indistinctly]

I mean, sure.
It's a little Abu Ghraib-y...

but... sure.

Just came to me.
Spur of the moment-like.

We're gonna have to
ride this out now.

For how long?

Until she promises to behave.

Look, I give it till dinner time, tops.

I don't know, dude.

I feel like you mighta made a mistake.

[hard reggae playing]