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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,378 --> 00:00:04,338 - Hi, everyone. I'm Jeff Dunham. 2 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:08,175 - Greetings, infidels. I am Achmed, the dead terrorist. 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,760 - I have a question for you, Achmed. 4 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,471 - I am all ears, without actual ears. 5 00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:13,931 - All right. 6 00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:16,100 Who's your favorite cartoon character? 7 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:20,021 - Is this a trick question? - No. Seriously, who is it? 8 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:24,025 - Tigger. As in Winnie the Pooh? 9 00:00:24,025 --> 00:00:27,194 - Yes, and Eeyore. He was so sad. 10 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:28,696 - And Piglet? 11 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,281 - Don't be an idiot. 12 00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,449 - Sorry. - Whatever. 13 00:00:31,449 --> 00:00:33,117 What is the point of this? 14 00:00:33,117 --> 00:00:35,369 - What if you, Achmed, were animated? 15 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,787 - Me? A cartoon? 16 00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,748 - Right. - Like Tigger? 17 00:00:38,748 --> 00:00:41,083 - Sure. - That would be fantastic. 18 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,418 - Then wish for it. 19 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,045 - What? - Make a wish. 20 00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:46,756 - Oh, like, "I wish I were animated"? 21 00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,090 - Perfect. 22 00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:50,384 - Hi, everybody. - Aah! 23 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,553 - I am Tinker Bubba. 24 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,597 - What the- - Hi, Tinker Bubba. 25 00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:57,558 - Howdy. Did I hear someone make a wish? 26 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,851 - Yep. That was Achmed. 27 00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:01,187 - A wish? What wish? 28 00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:04,482 - You said you wished to be intoxicated. 29 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:08,360 - No, animated. - Oh, well, I can do that too. 30 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,988 - This is ridic- - [shouts] 31 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,406 - Ah! Oh! 32 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,408 What happened to me? Why do I look like this? 33 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,660 - Thank you, Tinker Bubba. - You're welcome. 34 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,245 - You infidel fairy. 35 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,956 - Toot-toot for now. Got to fly. 36 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:22,666 Whoo-hoo! 37 00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:24,251 [flatulence, crash] 38 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,170 - You tricked me. - You got your wish. 39 00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,838 - And why am I like this? 40 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,340 - It's for your new animated special, 41 00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,050 Achmed Saves America. 42 00:01:31,050 --> 00:01:32,468 Enjoy the show. 43 00:01:32,468 --> 00:01:35,554 - Come back, Tinker Bubba! 44 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,601 [traditional Middle Eastern music] 45 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,436 J"J" 46 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,855 [music stops] 47 00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:47,858 [music resumes] 48 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:52,029 J"J" 49 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,448 [music stops] 50 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:57,034 [music resumes] 51 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,577 I will kill you. 52 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:01,789 [cell phone ringing melodically] 53 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:04,875 Oh, not a phone call while I'm riding. 54 00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:07,586 [gasps] I have coverage all the way out here 55 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:10,131 and not a cell tower in sight. 56 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,051 Yes, yes. What? What? 57 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:17,138 - Achmed. Why are you still alive? 58 00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:18,722 - Nice talking to you too. 59 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,600 - Wheel of Fortune! 60 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,395 - I should have heard a big boom by now. 61 00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:26,230 You have worked for us for three years, 62 00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,941 and you still haven't killed infidel one. 63 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:31,527 I swear, you are the worst terrorist 64 00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:33,237 in the whole non-Muslim world. 65 00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,697 - I am not. 66 00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:37,199 As a devout non-Muslim, I am offended by that. 67 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:39,535 - Are you forgetting you blew up a training camp? 68 00:02:39,535 --> 00:02:42,413 The only thing left was the monkey bars. 69 00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:46,876 - Oh, please. We are so much better than them. 70 00:02:46,876 --> 00:02:49,962 - Do not worry, Hassan. I will get it right this time. 71 00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,380 - Achmed, focus! 72 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,299 You're not losing your nerve, are you? 73 00:02:53,299 --> 00:02:54,967 - No! Are you kidding? 74 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:57,595 I'd be crazy not to want to kill myself. 75 00:02:57,595 --> 00:03:00,014 - Then tell me why you are doing this mission. 76 00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,223 - Because you told me to. 77 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,600 - Wrong answer! Why? 78 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,185 - Because I hate the infidel. 79 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,687 - And why do you hate the infidel? 80 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,439 - Because you told me to. 81 00:03:08,439 --> 00:03:11,400 - Right answer. So don't screw this up. 82 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,110 - Why do you treat me like a fool? 83 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:15,070 The bomb is ready to go. 84 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,405 [beeping] 85 00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:17,740 Oops. 86 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,203 [screaming] 87 00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,414 Huh? 88 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:26,916 Hey- 89 00:03:26,916 --> 00:03:29,376 I'm alive. I failed! 90 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,128 Son of a female dog. 91 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:35,174 Well, it obviously can't get any worse than this. 92 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:36,800 Huh! [eagle screeches] 93 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,595 What the Hezbollah? Let me go, you flying jackal. 94 00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:42,932 Release me at once. [eagle screeches] 95 00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:44,934 Clutch me again! I was kidding! 96 00:03:44,934 --> 00:03:46,727 I was kidding! 97 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:50,356 [screaming] 98 00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:53,234 Well, that used to hurt. 99 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:56,612 Wait. Where is this aluminum devil taking me? 100 00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:03,202 No! 101 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:06,538 [rock guitar playing Star-Spangled Banner] 102 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:11,710 J"J" 103 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,546 [screaming] 104 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:23,430 [rock guitar playing The Battle Hymn of the Republic] 105 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:31,397 J"J" 106 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,572 [slurps] 107 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,449 Mmm. 108 00:04:56,672 --> 00:04:58,590 [groans] 109 00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:00,009 Hmm. Hey. 110 00:05:00,009 --> 00:05:02,219 Death to America...ville. 111 00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:12,896 Terrorist log, hate date 7/3/13. 112 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,317 I have arrived in the land of the infidels. 113 00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:19,653 It will only be a matter of time until-Aah! 114 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,864 - Oh, boy. 115 00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:25,075 I don't know what that was, but it made a doozy of a noise. 116 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,910 - I hope we hit something cool. 117 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:28,871 Then this day wouldn't be a total loss. 118 00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:30,247 - Whatever. 119 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,082 Everyone's at the mall except me. 120 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:35,002 And now my life is over. 121 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,754 - Well, I know we hit something, 122 00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:38,839 but darn if I know what it was. 123 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:43,510 - Turn around, asshat. 124 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,970 - Is that what we hit? 125 00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:46,347 - Whoa! Is he dead? 126 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:48,432 - [scoffs] Can't we go now? 127 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,642 - No, honey. We have to help him. 128 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,061 - Here you go, buddy. You're fine. 129 00:05:52,061 --> 00:05:53,270 You're gonna be fine. - Wait. stop. 130 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,772 - Let me give you a hand with that. 131 00:05:54,772 --> 00:05:56,106 - What are you doing? - Oh, that is a hand. 132 00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:57,441 - Get your hands off of me. 133 00:05:57,441 --> 00:05:58,692 - And the diaper goes on top, right? 134 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,069 - Wait a minute. - That's a knee. 135 00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:01,487 - I don't even touch myself there. 136 00:06:01,487 --> 00:06:02,780 - That's a... - What are you doing? 137 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:07,159 - ...third knee. - Stop touching me! 138 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:09,703 You put my ass in front! 139 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,330 - I'm sorry. I didn't see you. 140 00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:13,457 - Oh, that makes me feel so much better. 141 00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:15,417 - I guess we should exchange insurance information- 142 00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:18,128 - [coughing] - Ooh. 143 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,922 Oh, that looks like ours. 144 00:06:19,922 --> 00:06:21,590 " Ew! - Oh, 145 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,801 - Can we get you to a doctor or something? 146 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:25,761 - I want nothing to do with you. 147 00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:32,559 How I wish that evil airplane had never carried me 148 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:35,729 from my homeland to this wretched America of yours. 149 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,732 - Mom, did you hear that? He said he just flew here. 150 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,234 Maybe he's our exchange student. 151 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:41,819 - Yeah. 152 00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:45,155 Claude, the French kid we missed at the airport? 153 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:47,449 - I hate you, and I hate this country. 154 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,910 - Oh, yeah, he's French. We better stop him. 155 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,870 Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. 156 00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,705 [dog barking] - What? What? What? 157 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:55,499 [screaming] 158 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,668 Ah! What devil is this? 159 00:06:57,668 --> 00:06:59,878 - Bill, no. 160 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,839 - Bill? Seriously'? 161 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,715 You give your dogs people names? 162 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:06,718 What did you name your kids, Bubbles and Cujo? 163 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,095 - Billy, off! 164 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,180 I'm sorry. He just likes you. 165 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,100 - Oh, great. When does the humping start? 166 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,602 - By any chance, are you Claude? 167 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,312 - Of course I am Claude. 168 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:19,106 I'm clawed, scratched, bitten, licked, and humped, 169 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,566 but mostly I am clawed. 170 00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:22,901 - So you're saying you're Claude? 171 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,487 - Yes, you stupid American infidel. 172 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:27,781 - That's wonderful. - What? 173 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:31,201 - Claude, we are your host family, the Wilsons, 174 00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,287 and we're so happy you're here. 175 00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:35,956 - Are you infidels friendly or idiots 176 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,875 or just friendly idiots? 177 00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,877 - Sorry about the mix-up at the airport, 178 00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:41,503 but that is all over now. 179 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,172 Let's get you to your new home. 180 00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:45,174 - You're taking me to your cave? 181 00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:48,302 - Well, I do have a man cave. It's the garage. 182 00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,220 - Is he naked? 183 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,473 - Try not to make him feel bad, okay,honey? 184 00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:54,016 He's probably poor. 185 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,143 Let's get you a hot meal first. 186 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:59,021 - We have the foreigner. Can we please go to the mall? 187 00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:02,024 [upbeat music] 188 00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:07,696 J"J" 189 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,198 - [thinking] I have moled myself, 190 00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:11,200 "first season of Homeland" style, 191 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,577 among the enemy, the hated ones. 192 00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:18,081 These people who call themselves Wilson are cunning, though. 193 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:23,253 They insist on treating me with respect 194 00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:26,465 and feeding me an obscene amount of food 195 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:28,175 that I can barely keep down. 196 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:38,519 - I have the same problem. 197 00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:49,154 - [thinking] Their town is in terrible shape, 198 00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:52,324 and their lives are filled with emptiness and failure, 199 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,034 yet they don't take the obvious route 200 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,745 of blowing themselves and everyone around them up. 201 00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,205 What's up with that? 202 00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,082 - I just work on the assembly line now, 203 00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:04,169 but my dream is to design the cars, like this. 204 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,172 - This is a gas-guzzling, obnoxious testament 205 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:10,509 to everything the rest of the world hates about America. 206 00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:12,135 - Exactly. 207 00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:14,346 It'll be a huge seller and save the company. 208 00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,807 If only my boss would look at it. 209 00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:22,229 - He will, because it's perfect, honey, just like you. 210 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,356 - [thinking] These are nothing like the Americans 211 00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:28,569 I was taught to hate, which makes me hate them more. 212 00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:31,572 Plus, I had no idea women could drive. 213 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:34,199 - Well, this is your home for the summer, Claude. 214 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,410 It's cozy, but we love it. 215 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,538 - I am nauseated by the evil stench of decadence. 216 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:41,748 - He did it. - Now, Kevin. 217 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,458 - Don't pick on our guest. 218 00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:44,835 He's had a long day. 219 00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,545 You know he was hit by a minivan. 220 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,171 Why don't you and your sister go toss the football 221 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,257 or something? - Fine. 222 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,883 - I'm going to Angie's. 223 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,719 - Don't ignore your phone. 224 00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:56,138 - It's not the phone I ignore. 225 00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:57,764 - Kids today. 226 00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:00,267 - In my land, they would have both been stoned by now. 227 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,935 - That's right. 228 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,271 You French kids start drinking early, don't you? 229 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,982 - Wayne, remember our surprise. 230 00:10:06,982 --> 00:10:08,400 - Oh, sure. 231 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,735 Be right back. 232 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,365 - So now that I am deep in the bowels of the enemy, 233 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:18,535 I will make it my mission to explode out a reeky, 234 00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:21,204 steaming vengeance, but how and when? 235 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,373 Both: Ta-da! 236 00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,250 - Ah! Are you Catholic? 237 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,002 - No, we're American. 238 00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:30,339 - Claude, you got here just in time for our town's 239 00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:33,634 100th birthday celebration, and it's tomorrow! 240 00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:36,345 - Ginny's in charge of the parade and the fireworks. 241 00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:38,347 - It's going to be some show. 242 00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,641 - Fireworks? Explosions? 243 00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,727 Large crowds? 244 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,270 - We'll fix your room up, Claude. 245 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,980 - You go ahead. 246 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,441 I'll just be here innocently plotting and scheming. 247 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,819 This is going to be easier than I thought. 248 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,197 [chuckles] Stupid Americans. 249 00:10:55,197 --> 00:10:57,991 They always leave their dynamite just lying around. 250 00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:02,037 [toy squeaking, dog barking] 251 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,914 Let me go! I kill you! 252 00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,582 Oh, stop. [laughing] Stop that. 253 00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,959 I cannot be murderous when I am being tickled. 254 00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:09,169 [giggling] 255 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,545 I kill you! 256 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:13,131 Stop it! [glass shattering] 257 00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:16,802 ♪ I've been working on my big bomb ♪ 258 00:11:16,802 --> 00:11:21,014 ♪All the dead long night ♪ 259 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,768 [thinking] Dear diary, my bomb is complete. 260 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,562 Tomorrow I will get my revenge on these people 261 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,314 who have been so nice to me. 262 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,441 - Here's a soft pillow. 263 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:33,110 - [thinking] How I hate them. 264 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:34,861 Is it hypoallergenic? 265 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,697 - Just like you asked. 266 00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:39,866 - Yes, thank you, evil, American, monster she-woman. 267 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:43,495 - You French have such colorful words for everything. 268 00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:45,455 Oh, are you writing a book'? 269 00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:48,792 - Yes, it is a book of humorous observations 270 00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,419 about small-town life, 271 00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:53,505 like the kind by your famous instigator of suicide, 272 00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:55,006 Garrison Keillor. 273 00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:56,925 - That's nice. Nighty-night now. 274 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,219 - Nighty-night, "nighty-night. 275 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,347 Hello, gorgeous. 276 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:03,807 - Hey! I want to talk to you. 277 00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,600 - [screams] I don't have a bomb. 278 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,602 - You're not fooling me, kid. 279 00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,438 I know why you're here. 280 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,606 - Is that so? 281 00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:12,733 Well... 282 00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,484 [ululating] 283 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,237 - My parents brought you here just to make me look bad. 284 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,322 - La la la la. 285 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:21,032 - I can't compare to how cool you are. 286 00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:23,368 You're from France and all. I hate you. 287 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,162 - Aw, really? 288 00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,830 I hate you too. 289 00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,040 - My dad thinks I should be playing football, 290 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,751 but I don't want to do that. 291 00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,461 I'm good at other stuff- 292 00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:35,464 secret stuff I've never even told my parents about. 293 00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:38,049 - You wish to lie with another boy of your gender? 294 00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:41,887 - No! I want to be a ventriloquist. 295 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:43,430 - A what? 296 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,056 - You know, a ventriloquist. 297 00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,100 I have a dummy. I make it talk. 298 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:51,021 We tell jokes in front of big audiences and get big laughs. 299 00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,106 - That is a job? 300 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,775 ' Yes! 301 00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:59,279 - That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 302 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:03,200 Seriously, who is going to pay to see anyone do that crap? 303 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,951 - But I'm good at it. 304 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,204 I've been practicing with my new dummy. 305 00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,497 [laughing] Da-d a-d a-d a! 306 00:13:08,497 --> 00:13:09,790 Little Jeff. 307 00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:11,333 Hiya, Claude. 308 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:14,920 - That toy is possessed with a human spirit! 309 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,588 I pound your face with a shoe, 310 00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,089 which is the worst thing you can do 311 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:20,008 to someone in my country for some reason 312 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,135 that no one has ever explained to anyone. 313 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,095 - Hey, what's wrong with you? 314 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,264 I'm sorry I said anything to you. 315 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,142 This is gonna be a long summer. 316 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,936 - Or a short one. 317 00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:32,729 Aah! 318 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:34,731 Whew. It's only you. 319 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,817 I thought you were Jessica Chastain. 320 00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:38,318 - Who's that? 321 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,611 - She was the crazy bitch in The Help. 322 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,946 What are you doing here? 323 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,781 - I was, like, out with my boyfriend, 324 00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:44,157 now my ex-boyfriend. 325 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,785 Ugh. I hate him. I wish he was dead. 326 00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:48,036 - Hmm. 327 00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:50,455 Does he live within a 20-mile radius 328 00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:52,165 of tomorrow's parade? 329 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,917 - Please don't tell Mom and Dad. 330 00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:56,878 - The place where my lips once were is sealed. 331 00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,672 - They never liked him anyway. 332 00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:01,591 They think I have, like, bad taste in guys? 333 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:05,262 - You? No. Don't be so hard on your- 334 00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:08,390 - Mwah. 335 00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:10,141 Wow. 336 00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:13,270 I felt something just now. 337 00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:16,565 - Well, that was my detonator- bomb, penis, nothing! 338 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,775 - You're so funny. 339 00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,068 - Gracias? 340 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,404 - And I love your French accent. 341 00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:24,197 - Cassidy, are you home? 342 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:27,075 - Got to go. I'll love you till I die. 343 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:31,162 - Stay within the 20-mile radius. 344 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,417 - Good night, Cassidy. - Good night, Mom. 345 00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:38,003 - Good night, Kevin. - Good night, Dad! 346 00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:39,588 - Good night, Ginny! 347 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,006 - Why are you screaming at me 348 00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,591 when I'm lying right next to you? 349 00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:43,717 - Sorry, honey! 350 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:44,843 - Good night, little Jeff! 351 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:45,969 Good night, "ethery-diddy"! 352 00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:47,178 - Silence! 353 00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:50,724 Good night, bomb. 354 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,727 [patriotic music] 355 00:14:53,727 --> 00:15:00,734 J"J" 356 00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,153 - Great job, Mom. 357 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:05,572 - Thanks. And don't you two look nice. 358 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,282 - Yeah, I got this shirt at the- 359 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,909 - Ah! It's almost time for the show to start. 360 00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,535 Kevin, do you know where Claude is? 361 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,537 - No, Mom, I don't. 362 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,206 "Claude. Claude. Where's Claude?" 363 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,042 Everybody loves the French guy. 364 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,501 - He was in the car with us. 365 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:21,338 He had on this great French cologne. 366 00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:23,590 It smelled like sawdust and fertilizer. 367 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,676 - Here we are! Almost there. 368 00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:29,763 Nobody help or touch me, please. 369 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,599 Also, please turn off all cell phones. 370 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,809 - Claude, you look so patriotic. 371 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,854 - Yes, it is patriotism is given me a glow in my heart 372 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,356 and a pain in my neck. 373 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,107 [neck cracks] Ow! 374 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,818 - Ginny, the town square looks great. 375 00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:46,571 This event will be just the thing to turn around 376 00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,949 our town spirit and get me reelected, 377 00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,326 or you're fired. [laughing] 378 00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,787 Just kidding. Not really. 379 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:58,416 - Mayor McEwen, this is Claude, our French exchange student. 380 00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:01,169 - Bonjour, Claude. Comment allez-vous? 381 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:05,256 [continues speaking French] 382 00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:13,515 - Uh, ou est Ia toilette fromage? 383 00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:16,893 - [laughs] Oh, that's cute. 384 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,979 Whoa! What the hell? 385 00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:21,022 - Holy crap! 386 00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,190 Pardon my French. 387 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,359 - Hey, Ginny, nice shindig. 388 00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:26,277 A little low-key if you ask me. 389 00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:27,946 I mean, where's the eagle? 390 00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,906 Nothing says kick-ass like a flag 391 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:31,825 with wings that go Americaw! 392 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,118 - Americaw! 393 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,744 - Americaw! - Americaw! 394 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:35,870 - Americaw! 395 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,373 - Americaw! - Ah! 396 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:49,050 - Claude, these are our neighbors, the Andersons. 397 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:51,177 Chet and Ev, this is Claude. 398 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,887 - Nice to meet you, Claude. 399 00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:54,931 - You know, I usually don't like you Frenchies, 400 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:57,642 but in your case, I'll make an exception. 401 00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,020 - Don't be an idiot. I hate the French. 402 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,023 - Well, then we are gonna be simpatico. 403 00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:06,735 Ha. That's Mexican for "I wet your back, you wet mine." 404 00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:09,738 - Such a delightful racist. - [laughing] 405 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:11,656 I like you. 406 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,786 [laughing] 407 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,748 - Way to set an example, Chet. Carl Zimmer. 408 00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:21,916 We're not all tea-bagging wing nuts like him, Claude. 409 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,294 - Yeah? And we're not all freedom-hating, Al-kissing, 410 00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:26,546 gunless lesbians like this guy. 411 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,964 Americaw! 412 00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:30,467 - Please, can't you two get along? 413 00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,053 Very soon none of this will matter. 414 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,637 Now, if you'll excuse me, 415 00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:37,348 I have to go to the little French boys' room. 416 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:40,018 - Hurry back. You don't want to miss the show. 417 00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:42,937 - My show will leave a bigger impression. 418 00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:45,065 [laughs] 419 00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:48,068 [humming I've Been Working on the Railroad] 420 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:51,988 J"J" 421 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,199 Five minutes to blow time. 422 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,992 I should totally tweet that. 423 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:59,412 [gasps] Justin Bieber is going to be in Portland! 424 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:02,040 - And in the centennial spirit, 425 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,167 suits at Stan McEwen's Wide and Tall 426 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,336 are on sale for $100. 427 00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,880 Supply is limited. Suits may have been pre-worn. 428 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,926 Now, we have a very special guest here today, uh, somewhere. 429 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,552 Right? 430 00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:17,680 - I don't know where he- [gasps] There he is. 431 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,307 Claude, up here. 432 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:22,727 - A big hand for our new friend from France, everyone. 433 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:26,064 [cheers and applause] 434 00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,400 - Hello. 435 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,569 You don't know me from a hole in the ground, 436 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:32,862 but get ready! 437 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,697 Bye, now. T-T-F-U. 438 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:38,034 - Oh, no, you're not going anywhere, our new friend. 439 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,203 - Help! I'm being illegally detained 440 00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,997 by a large black man who is dressed very nicely. 441 00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:46,417 - You big silly. We have something for you. 442 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:49,129 - Oh, good. I have something for you too. 443 00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:51,923 [laughing] You first. 444 00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:54,592 - America is a nation of foreigners, 445 00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,511 and you're our first legal one. 446 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:59,389 And now Raul's Gardening Service 447 00:18:59,389 --> 00:19:03,268 would like to give you a 21-leaf-blower salute. 448 00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,186 [leaf blowers whirring] 449 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,355 - That's why we're all here- 450 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:09,941 to thank you and welcome you! 451 00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:12,026 [cheers and applause] 452 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:14,028 - Hooray! 453 00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:17,031 [celebratory music] 454 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:23,288 - You people are all so moronically cheerful. 455 00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:26,916 - Now, to help celebrate Claude's arrival, 456 00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:30,879 put your hands together for American Idol season nine 457 00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,423 Hollywood round almost semifinalist, 458 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:36,092 Ronny Huntingchurch! 459 00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,178 [cheers and applause] 460 00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,346 - Well, this is for you, Claude. 461 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:45,518 ♪ A million years ago, when Columbus sailed the sea ♪ 462 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,979 ♪ He hadn't planned on the place he'd land on ♪ 463 00:19:47,979 --> 00:19:50,190 ♪ Would still be brave and free ♪ 464 00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:54,694 ♪ We welcome the Irish, the Chinaman, and Jew ♪ 465 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:59,073 ♪ But let me say, on behalf of the USA ♪ 466 00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:02,535 ♪ There's no better foreigner than you ♪ 467 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,705 - [Crying] Wait. I can't be crying. 468 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,957 I must have shrapnel in my eye. 469 00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:11,127 - ♪ You're the quill in Jefferson's hand ♪ 470 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,046 ♪ You're Patton at Custers last stand ♪ 471 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:15,590 ♪ George Washington's teeth, the great Toby Keith ♪ 472 00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:18,760 ♪ You put the "heart" in heartland ♪ 473 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:23,389 ♪ And we say to you with pride soon to bust ♪ 474 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,142 ♪ We pray to our God ♪ 475 00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,853 ♪ But it's in Claude ♪ 476 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:34,984 ♪ That we trust ♪ 477 00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,862 [cheers and applause] 478 00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:39,697 - You-you trust me? 479 00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,157 What a fatwa. 480 00:20:41,157 --> 00:20:42,867 The guys have it all wrong. 481 00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:45,703 You are the best infidels ever. 482 00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:48,164 Where I am from, no one is nice. 483 00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:51,209 They stay in their caves, knee-deep in camel poop, 484 00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:54,587 covering their wives so they look like Pac-Man ghosts. 485 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,005 - That's French for you. 486 00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:57,674 - I love this country. 487 00:20:57,674 --> 00:20:59,509 Life to America! 488 00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:02,637 [beeping] 489 00:21:04,514 --> 00:21:08,101 Oh! I'll be right back. 490 00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,310 That really hurt. 491 00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:12,021 - You'll get used to it. 492 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:13,147 " [grunts] 493 00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:15,024 Where is that bomb? 494 00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:17,318 It's always in the last place you look. 495 00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:19,404 Ow! 496 00:21:19,404 --> 00:21:20,571 There you are. 497 00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:23,825 Huh? 498 00:21:23,825 --> 00:21:27,870 You actual, literal son of a bitch. 499 00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:30,206 No, no, no, no, that is not a squeaky bomb. 500 00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,041 Give me that bomb. 501 00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:35,086 I have to save the people I wanted to kill a minute ago. 502 00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:41,134 Oh. The things I have to do. 503 00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:44,220 Billy, look what I have for you. 504 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:45,972 It's your favorite... 505 00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:47,557 femur. 506 00:21:47,557 --> 00:21:49,225 Go get it, Bill! 507 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,477 - [growling] 508 00:21:51,477 --> 00:21:53,229 [bionic sound effect] 509 00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:57,734 - [slowed down] Oh... 510 00:21:57,734 --> 00:22:00,695 no! 511 00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:07,410 Fuuuuuu- 512 00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:15,960 Whew! That was close. 513 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,628 [alarm blaring] 514 00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:19,630 That's a pretty big button. 515 00:22:24,594 --> 00:22:26,179 All: Ooh! 516 00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:31,351 - I bet this looks awesome from down there! 517 00:22:31,351 --> 00:22:32,602 [crowd gasps] 518 00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:35,146 - He really loves America. 519 00:22:35,146 --> 00:22:36,856 - I sure hope so. 520 00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:39,609 [crowd gasps] 521 00:22:39,609 --> 00:22:43,363 - America, I love you! 522 00:22:44,989 --> 00:22:47,909 Still love it. 523 00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:50,078 Loving it a little less. 524 00:22:58,169 --> 00:23:00,505 - I'm at Americaville General Hospital 525 00:23:00,505 --> 00:23:02,799 where an entire town is holding a vigil 526 00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:05,301 for someone they just met this morning... 527 00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:08,304 a brave little boy from France named Claude. 528 00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:09,722 - [ululating] 529 00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:10,848 Ah! 530 00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:12,392 La la la la! 531 00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:14,394 It's burning. 532 00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:20,566 - Doctor, is he gonna be okay? 533 00:23:20,566 --> 00:23:23,694 - Well, he displays no vital signs whatsoever. 534 00:23:23,694 --> 00:23:26,155 The technical term for that is "dead." 535 00:23:26,155 --> 00:23:27,949 [flatline tone humming] 536 00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:30,785 - Golly, that sounds serious. - Huh? 537 00:23:30,785 --> 00:23:32,412 [mumbles] 538 00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:33,621 - He's waking up. 539 00:23:33,621 --> 00:23:35,206 My boyfriend's waking up. 540 00:23:35,206 --> 00:23:38,835 - The wire that's blue will not hurt you. 541 00:23:38,835 --> 00:23:42,088 The wire that's red will make us dead. 542 00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:44,841 - Shh. I think he's trying to tell us something. 543 00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:48,928 - ♪ The bomb on the bus goes Bing, bang, boom ♪ 544 00:23:48,928 --> 00:23:50,972 ♪ Bing, bang, boom ♪ 545 00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:53,558 ♪ Bing, bang, boom, bing, bang, bang ♪ 546 00:23:53,558 --> 00:23:55,351 ♪ Bada, bada-bing, bing ♪ 547 00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:56,561 Hey, everybody! 548 00:23:56,561 --> 00:23:58,396 Oh, the pain! 549 00:23:58,396 --> 00:24:03,359 It's making me say things only sung at terrorist camp. 550 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:04,902 - Well, that's the most 551 00:24:04,902 --> 00:24:07,655 we can expect from him right now, I'm afraid. 552 00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:10,491 - We should leave him now. He needs his rest. 553 00:24:10,491 --> 00:24:12,243 - Mom, I guess you'll need someone to take 554 00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:13,744 Claude's spot in the parade. 555 00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:15,413 I've been working on something. 556 00:24:15,413 --> 00:24:16,664 - Parade? 557 00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:18,624 I can be in a real American parade 558 00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:21,043 where people wait all night to get great seats 559 00:24:21,043 --> 00:24:22,503 to watch other people walk? 560 00:24:22,503 --> 00:24:24,964 Count me in! 561 00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,424 Sorry. 562 00:24:26,424 --> 00:24:29,051 - Hmm. I thought you were dead. 563 00:24:29,051 --> 00:24:30,470 - It's a miracle. 564 00:24:30,470 --> 00:24:32,180 - Aah! 565 00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:36,767 I declare this centennial parade started! 566 00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:39,770 [marching band music] 567 00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:44,484 J"J" 568 00:24:44,484 --> 00:24:46,694 - Look what you did, Claude. 569 00:24:46,694 --> 00:24:48,779 - You've inspired the entire town. 570 00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:50,198 - Thank you. 571 00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:52,450 I don't have to blow up again, do I? 572 00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:54,202 - Congratulations, Claude. 573 00:24:54,202 --> 00:24:55,828 In the words of Michelle Obama, 574 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:57,872 "For the first time in my adult lifetime, 575 00:24:57,872 --> 00:25:00,166 I'm really proud of my country." 576 00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:02,084 - Yes, we heard her say that. 577 00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:03,961 That is when we recruited her. 578 00:25:03,961 --> 00:25:06,088 - She is a true American. 579 00:25:06,088 --> 00:25:08,716 - Yes, and her hair is actually straight. 580 00:25:08,716 --> 00:25:13,554 - Son, you're the real hero, 210% American. 581 00:25:13,554 --> 00:25:15,431 - You people suck at mathematics. 582 00:25:15,431 --> 00:25:16,724 I love it. 583 00:25:16,724 --> 00:25:18,851 - Claude, Dave Chester, CNN. 584 00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:21,145 - CNN? I love you Quys. 585 00:25:21,145 --> 00:25:23,648 You're the Borders Books of cable networks. 586 00:25:23,648 --> 00:25:25,608 - Claude, you've only been here two days, 587 00:25:25,608 --> 00:25:28,569 and you've already been hit by a truck, gotten blown up, 588 00:25:28,569 --> 00:25:30,947 rolled down a hill in a fiery Dumpster... 589 00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:32,573 - And I've tried curly fries. 590 00:25:32,573 --> 00:25:34,575 - So how do you like our country? 591 00:25:34,575 --> 00:25:37,954 - Well, I'm in America, so I won't tell you how I feel. 592 00:25:37,954 --> 00:25:41,541 I will sing, just like those 30-year-old teenagers 593 00:25:41,541 --> 00:25:44,669 on that bafflingly beloved TV show Glee. 594 00:25:44,669 --> 00:25:46,879 I love to hate-watch it. 595 00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:48,256 [soft piano note] 596 00:25:48,256 --> 00:25:50,925 ♪ When I was merely four years old ♪ 597 00:25:50,925 --> 00:25:53,177 ♪ There was nothing I thought greater ♪ 598 00:25:53,177 --> 00:25:55,888 ♪ Than to turn this nation you call home ♪ 599 00:25:55,888 --> 00:25:59,100 ♪ Into a giant smoking crater ♪ 600 00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:02,186 ♪ But like Miley Cyrus and her bong ♪ 601 00:26:02,186 --> 00:26:04,855 ♪ Or Brett Favre texting all night long ♪ 602 00:26:04,855 --> 00:26:07,608 ♪ Or Mitt Romney's awful sing-along- ♪ 603 00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:09,569 - ♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care ♪ 604 00:26:09,569 --> 00:26:12,321 - ♪ I was wrong, I was wrong I was wrong ♪ 605 00:26:12,321 --> 00:26:14,240 ♪ I was wrong, I see no drone ♪ 606 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,033 ♪ Yes, I was wrong, Obama phone ♪ 607 00:26:16,033 --> 00:26:17,618 ♪ And so unconscious and half dead ♪ 608 00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,120 ♪ I wrote this song ♪ 609 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:20,705 ♪ You folks are quite easily suckered ♪ 610 00:26:20,705 --> 00:26:22,582 ♪ But your heart's where it belongs ♪ 611 00:26:22,582 --> 00:26:24,750 ♪ I don't know why I can't deny that I was wrong ♪ 612 00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:27,003 ♪ Running water, Girls Gone Wild ♪ 613 00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:29,046 ♪ No bombs strapped to any child ♪ 614 00:26:29,046 --> 00:26:31,048 - Ah! - ♪ I find I am beguiled ♪ 615 00:26:31,048 --> 00:26:32,967 - Americaw! - Yeah, what he said. 616 00:26:32,967 --> 00:26:34,760 ♪ So much food you throw away ♪ 617 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,679 ♪ So much TV filled with gay ♪ 618 00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:39,390 ♪ I love you, Project Runway, so I canceled my fatwa ♪ 619 00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:41,142 ♪ 'Cause I was wrong ♪ 620 00:26:41,142 --> 00:26:42,768 - ♪ Oh, he was wrong ♪ - ♪ Yes, I was wrong ♪ 621 00:26:42,768 --> 00:26:44,353 - ♪ So very wrong ♪ 622 00:26:44,353 --> 00:26:45,771 - ♪ About America, I say that I was- ♪ 623 00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:47,148 All: ♪ Wrong, wrong, wrong ♪ 624 00:26:47,148 --> 00:26:48,566 - ♪ When I look across your faces ♪ 625 00:26:48,566 --> 00:26:50,192 ♪ Be they Wilson, Berg, or Chong ♪ 626 00:26:50,192 --> 00:26:53,112 ♪ I must admit I am a twit, and I was wrong ♪ 627 00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:55,615 ♪ Oh, I'll miss my friend the sniper ♪ 628 00:26:55,615 --> 00:26:57,491 [gunshot] 629 00:26:57,491 --> 00:26:59,619 ♪ And my flea-infested cave ♪ 630 00:26:59,619 --> 00:27:01,746 ♪ I'll sort of miss my second chance ♪ 631 00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:04,206 ♪ To have an early grave ♪ 632 00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:06,792 ♪ But even though you're filled with sin ♪ 633 00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:09,420 ♪ Like Blind Side, you all took me in ♪ 634 00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:13,591 ♪ A foreigner who has no skin ♪ 635 00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:14,967 - Ah. 636 00:27:14,967 --> 00:27:17,178 - Get away from him! He's mine! 637 00:27:17,178 --> 00:27:20,431 - ♪ I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong ♪ 638 00:27:20,431 --> 00:27:21,974 ♪ Yes, you're dim and rather simple ♪ 639 00:27:21,974 --> 00:27:23,768 ♪ And you shouldn't wear a thong ♪ 640 00:27:23,768 --> 00:27:25,936 ♪ But it's clear I shall stay here ♪ 641 00:27:25,936 --> 00:27:29,148 ♪ For I was wrong, wrong, wrong ♪ 642 00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:31,942 ♪ Yes, it is clear I shall stay here ♪ 643 00:27:31,942 --> 00:27:34,904 ♪ Where I belong ♪ 644 00:27:34,904 --> 00:27:37,782 - All right, you can do it just this once. 645 00:27:37,782 --> 00:27:39,492 - Americaw! 646 00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:42,495 [heartfelt music] 647 00:27:42,495 --> 00:27:50,503 J"J" 648 00:27:57,134 --> 00:27:59,553 Good night, Ginny. - Good night, Claude. 649 00:27:59,553 --> 00:28:02,056 - Good night, Wayne. - Good night, Claude. 650 00:28:02,056 --> 00:28:04,725 - Good night, Cassidy. - Good night, Claude. 651 00:28:04,725 --> 00:28:07,478 - Good night, Kevin. - Good night, Claude. 652 00:28:07,478 --> 00:28:10,272 - Good night, Kevin's creepy, dead-eyed boy doll. 653 00:28:10,272 --> 00:28:11,649 - Shut "ut"! 654 00:28:11,649 --> 00:28:15,528 - Okay. Good night, America. 655 00:28:18,864 --> 00:28:21,200 [engine revving] 656 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,161 - Chet, you're gonna crash this thing! 657 00:28:24,161 --> 00:28:27,039 - We're already late, thanks to you. 658 00:28:27,039 --> 00:28:30,292 [patriotic music] 659 00:28:30,292 --> 00:28:33,003 [tires screech] 660 00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:34,714 Will you hurry up? 661 00:28:34,714 --> 00:28:37,299 - Well, I'm sorry. My flip-flop blew out. 662 00:28:37,299 --> 00:28:39,093 - Well, then you're gonna be left behind. 663 00:28:39,093 --> 00:28:42,888 I want to make sure Claude sees me cheering him on. 664 00:28:42,888 --> 00:28:45,015 Hey, there, Carl. Nice view, huh? 665 00:28:45,015 --> 00:28:46,350 - It's all right. 666 00:28:46,350 --> 00:28:47,560 - So, uh... [clears throat] 667 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:48,894 Any room up there for- 668 00:28:48,894 --> 00:28:50,354 - No. No, Chet, not really. 669 00:28:50,354 --> 00:28:51,897 I've been waiting here all morning. 670 00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:53,649 - Look, can you help a friend out? 671 00:28:53,649 --> 00:28:55,943 - I could help you, but then you'd come to depend 672 00:28:55,943 --> 00:28:58,612 on that help, like a welfare queen. 673 00:28:58,612 --> 00:29:01,490 - God dang it. [mumbling] 674 00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:03,117 - Hey, uh, boss, check it out. 675 00:29:03,117 --> 00:29:06,579 It has dual quad carbs like an original muscle car, 676 00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:08,456 but I designed it to sit on a chassis 677 00:29:08,456 --> 00:29:09,999 of our existing midsize, 678 00:29:09,999 --> 00:29:11,667 so you'd only have to make a few tweaks 679 00:29:11,667 --> 00:29:13,836 on the assembly line to- - Yeah, yeah, whatever. 680 00:29:13,836 --> 00:29:15,921 You think maybe later I could have my picture taken 681 00:29:15,921 --> 00:29:17,423 with the French kid? 682 00:29:17,423 --> 00:29:18,924 - Sure, but maybe then can you look at the- 683 00:29:18,924 --> 00:29:20,551 - I'll definitely think about it, Wayne. 684 00:29:20,551 --> 00:29:23,220 Can we Photoshop Claude in with the CEO, do you think? 685 00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:24,805 - I guess - Yeah, great, great. 686 00:29:24,805 --> 00:29:27,183 I got to pee. 687 00:29:27,183 --> 00:29:30,478 - Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Mayor Stan McEwen. 688 00:29:30,478 --> 00:29:32,354 I'm not sure what we're in store for today, 689 00:29:32,354 --> 00:29:34,523 but I know it will be special. 690 00:29:34,523 --> 00:29:36,192 It is my honor 691 00:29:36,192 --> 00:29:38,778 to present the chairwoman of my reelection campaign, 692 00:29:38,778 --> 00:29:40,571 Mrs. Ginny Wilson. 693 00:29:40,571 --> 00:29:42,740 [light applause] - Hello, everyone. 694 00:29:42,740 --> 00:29:44,617 I know you're waiting for the main event, 695 00:29:44,617 --> 00:29:46,952 so I'll just read from these prepared remarks 696 00:29:46,952 --> 00:29:49,038 written by our special guest. 697 00:29:49,038 --> 00:29:52,708 "Good afternoon, my cherished new American fiends." 698 00:29:52,708 --> 00:29:54,460 - Friends! Friends! 699 00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:57,880 - Sorry. Wha-it-it says "fiends" here. 700 00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:01,509 - [chuckles nervously] That is a typo and not a Freudian slip 701 00:30:01,509 --> 00:30:03,552 reflecting something I used to believe 702 00:30:03,552 --> 00:30:05,638 with every fiber of my being. Goon 703 00:30:05,638 --> 00:30:07,431 - "I hope you will appreciate 704 00:30:07,431 --> 00:30:09,308 the wonderful surprise I hate for you." 705 00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:10,643 [crowd gasps] - Have. 706 00:30:10,643 --> 00:30:12,186 - "And I hope it will kill you." 707 00:30:12,186 --> 00:30:13,979 - Thrill. More typos. 708 00:30:13,979 --> 00:30:15,856 Stupid AutoCorrect. 709 00:30:15,856 --> 00:30:18,442 Am I right? 710 00:30:18,442 --> 00:30:19,860 Maybe we should skip. 711 00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:21,362 - Right, right. 712 00:30:21,362 --> 00:30:23,572 Well, clearly I'm not very good at this, 713 00:30:23,572 --> 00:30:25,491 so let me hand over the program 714 00:30:25,491 --> 00:30:27,576 to the reason we're all here today, 715 00:30:27,576 --> 00:30:30,079 Americaville's new favorite son, 716 00:30:30,079 --> 00:30:33,999 your friend and mine, Claude! 717 00:30:33,999 --> 00:30:35,543 [cheers and applause] 718 00:30:35,543 --> 00:30:38,546 [rock version of America the Beautiful] 719 00:30:38,546 --> 00:30:46,554 J"J" 720 00:30:55,479 --> 00:30:58,190 [bike crashes, man screams] 721 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:04,613 - Thank you! You are too kind. 722 00:31:04,613 --> 00:31:05,823 Okay. 723 00:31:05,823 --> 00:31:07,241 If I could have- 724 00:31:07,241 --> 00:31:10,202 Thank you. Really, this is too much. 725 00:31:10,202 --> 00:31:13,873 Thank you. If-Silence! 726 00:31:13,873 --> 00:31:15,958 [feedback whines] 727 00:31:15,958 --> 00:31:17,877 I've had some time to reflect 728 00:31:17,877 --> 00:31:20,880 on what you wonderful people in this wonderful town 729 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,507 in this wonderful country mean to me. 730 00:31:23,507 --> 00:31:26,051 And today I, Claude, from France, 731 00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:28,304 want to pay you back for the hospitality 732 00:31:28,304 --> 00:31:29,638 you have shown me, 733 00:31:29,638 --> 00:31:31,765 to thank not just the Wilson family. 734 00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:33,767 Give them a hand. [applause] 735 00:31:33,767 --> 00:31:35,728 There they are. 736 00:31:35,728 --> 00:31:38,647 Very nice. 737 00:31:38,647 --> 00:31:41,817 Cassidy, please, don't get hooked on me. 738 00:31:41,817 --> 00:31:44,820 Choose one of the many idiot boys in this town. 739 00:31:44,820 --> 00:31:47,072 And, Kevin, I like you. I really do. 740 00:31:47,072 --> 00:31:48,991 Put down that stupid dummy. 741 00:31:48,991 --> 00:31:52,661 You will never get girls as long as you have that thing. 742 00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:56,582 Anyway, I am so grateful to all of you 743 00:31:56,582 --> 00:31:59,418 that I have decided to present you with a gift, 744 00:31:59,418 --> 00:32:02,713 much as you Americans were given the Statue of Liberty 745 00:32:02,713 --> 00:32:04,632 by my country of France- 746 00:32:04,632 --> 00:32:06,884 France being the place lam from and no place else. 747 00:32:06,884 --> 00:32:10,095 Here it is! 748 00:32:10,095 --> 00:32:12,848 - Hey, that's just Big Rock Rock. 749 00:32:12,848 --> 00:32:14,683 Hmm. - Yes... 750 00:32:14,683 --> 00:32:17,561 But thanks to my talents in explosives, 751 00:32:17,561 --> 00:32:20,230 talents which I learned along with every other 752 00:32:20,230 --> 00:32:23,400 French school boy in France, the land of my birth, 753 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,402 I present to you... 754 00:32:25,402 --> 00:32:29,239 Mount America Foreverberg! 755 00:32:29,239 --> 00:32:32,534 [cheers and applause] 756 00:32:32,534 --> 00:32:36,288 These are your four greatest American icons- 757 00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:39,208 billionaire wig model Donald Trump... 758 00:32:39,208 --> 00:32:42,127 professional man-hater Taylor Swift... 759 00:32:42,127 --> 00:32:45,589 tiny ageless weirdo Tom Cruise... 760 00:32:45,589 --> 00:32:50,094 and famed drug lord Lance Armstrong! 761 00:32:50,094 --> 00:32:52,763 - I'm getting a hankering for the full-on salute. 762 00:32:52,763 --> 00:32:55,724 - Oh. So you still do get those? 763 00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:58,227 - Tom Cruise starred in one of my favorite films, 764 00:32:58,227 --> 00:32:59,687 Jerry Maguire. 765 00:32:59,687 --> 00:33:01,897 I got misty when Renee Zellweger dumped him. 766 00:33:01,897 --> 00:33:05,818 - Thanks for the spoiler, jerk. I haven't watched it yet. 767 00:33:05,818 --> 00:33:08,737 [cheers and applause] - We love you! 768 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:10,447 - Way to go. - You're the best, Achmed. 769 00:33:11,323 --> 00:33:14,493 - My American dream has come true. 770 00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:17,997 I believe I can safely say, with no fear of being 771 00:33:17,997 --> 00:33:20,416 ironically contradicted, that nothing, 772 00:33:20,416 --> 00:33:23,544 I mean nothing, can ruin this golden moment. 773 00:33:23,544 --> 00:33:26,755 - Hello, Achmed. 774 00:33:26,755 --> 00:33:29,008 - Holy crap. 775 00:33:29,008 --> 00:33:34,054 - United States Americans, my name is Hassan al-Hassan. 776 00:33:34,054 --> 00:33:35,889 - Hey, that there's a terrorist. 777 00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:37,182 - Nice going, Chet. 778 00:33:37,182 --> 00:33:38,934 Just because he has an Arabic name, 779 00:33:38,934 --> 00:33:41,020 he's automatically a terrorist. 780 00:33:41,020 --> 00:33:42,646 - I am a terrorist. 781 00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:46,025 - Welcome to America. 782 00:33:46,025 --> 00:33:48,485 - This person is a traitor! 783 00:33:48,485 --> 00:33:52,948 Achmed's name isn't Claude. Achmed's name is Achmed. 784 00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:54,074 - It is? 785 00:33:54,074 --> 00:33:57,202 - And he is a terrorist. - He is? 786 00:33:57,202 --> 00:33:59,204 - And he is a skeleton. 787 00:33:59,204 --> 00:34:00,581 - He is? 788 00:34:00,581 --> 00:34:02,666 - A re r-re re-to n? - I am? 789 00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:06,378 - Yeah, but if his name is Achmed, then where's Claude? 790 00:34:06,378 --> 00:34:09,381 [French accordion music] 791 00:34:09,381 --> 00:34:11,508 J"J" 792 00:34:11,508 --> 00:34:14,470 [crowd gasps] 793 00:34:14,470 --> 00:34:16,638 - Is what he said true? 794 00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:18,474 - No! Well... 795 00:34:18,474 --> 00:34:22,019 No, no, no, I'm no terrorist. I'm a nice guy. 796 00:34:22,019 --> 00:34:25,147 You know, the real me, production-number me. 797 00:34:25,147 --> 00:34:26,440 Remember my song? 798 00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:28,067 Everything you know about me 799 00:34:28,067 --> 00:34:30,694 says I'm a great guy and a true American. 800 00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:34,782 - Everything except this! 801 00:34:34,782 --> 00:34:37,284 I found this in his room. 802 00:34:37,284 --> 00:34:39,286 All his plans to blow us up are in here... 803 00:34:39,286 --> 00:34:43,040 and some weird drawings of him riding a flying horse? 804 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:46,085 - It was a superhero character I was working on- 805 00:34:46,085 --> 00:34:47,920 Turban Cowboy. 806 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:49,630 It's turban time. 807 00:34:49,630 --> 00:34:52,883 Well, now that I hear it out loud... 808 00:34:52,883 --> 00:34:55,594 [all murmuring] 809 00:34:55,594 --> 00:34:57,054 Come on, guys. 810 00:34:57,054 --> 00:34:58,764 This is America, where if you're white, 811 00:34:58,764 --> 00:35:00,599 you can get away with anything. 812 00:35:00,599 --> 00:35:03,393 And there's nobody whiter than me. 813 00:35:03,393 --> 00:35:04,937 [all murmuring] 814 00:35:04,937 --> 00:35:06,605 - I know him. In my heart, it's not true. 815 00:35:06,605 --> 00:35:09,566 - Crazy. - What about my reelection? 816 00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:11,735 - I think he might be a terrorist. 817 00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:14,530 - Please, I beg you. Listen to me. 818 00:35:14,530 --> 00:35:16,949 - Are any of us what we really appear to be? 819 00:35:16,949 --> 00:35:18,617 - Daddy, maybe he is a terrorist. 820 00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:20,619 - If you would only listen. 821 00:35:20,619 --> 00:35:22,538 [all talking at once] 822 00:35:22,538 --> 00:35:24,206 Silence! I kill you! 823 00:35:24,206 --> 00:35:28,001 [crowd gasps] 824 00:35:28,001 --> 00:35:32,464 Is what a real terrorist might say. 825 00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:35,843 - I guess we should call the police. 826 00:35:35,843 --> 00:35:38,804 - Not necessary. I'm a deputy. 827 00:35:38,804 --> 00:35:40,139 - You bought that at a toy store. 828 00:35:40,139 --> 00:35:41,849 - I didn't buy this at no toy store. 829 00:35:41,849 --> 00:35:43,142 [sun cocks] 830 00:35:43,142 --> 00:35:44,852 I won it at a church raffle. 831 00:35:44,852 --> 00:35:47,813 Say your prayers, bonehead. 832 00:35:47,813 --> 00:35:50,524 [helicopter blades thrumming, sirens wailing] 833 00:35:53,318 --> 00:35:56,530 - This is FBI agent Jack Bauer. 834 00:35:56,530 --> 00:35:57,823 All: Ooh! 835 00:35:57,823 --> 00:35:59,575 - Not the one from TV. 836 00:35:59,575 --> 00:36:01,785 All: Aw! 837 00:36:01,785 --> 00:36:04,246 - It's my real name. It's fairly common. 838 00:36:04,246 --> 00:36:07,166 I get this all the time. Calm down. 839 00:36:07,166 --> 00:36:11,795 You have 24 seconds to surrender, starting now. 840 00:36:11,795 --> 00:36:13,922 [beeping] 841 00:36:13,922 --> 00:36:16,842 - Oh, no, I'm too pretty for prison. 842 00:36:16,842 --> 00:36:18,552 - Yes, you are. 843 00:36:18,552 --> 00:36:20,179 - Achmed, before you go, 844 00:36:20,179 --> 00:36:22,181 there's someone who wants to say something. 845 00:36:22,181 --> 00:36:25,601 You're a "dad" man! You should "de" ashamed. 846 00:36:25,601 --> 00:36:27,895 - That toy is possessed with a human spirit! 847 00:36:30,522 --> 00:36:34,276 - Foot bones, don't fail me now! 848 00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:37,154 - Stop it, Chet. You're gonna hurt somebody. 849 00:36:37,154 --> 00:36:41,116 - Freedom ain't free, Ev. 850 00:36:41,116 --> 00:36:42,910 [gun cocks] - Not so fast! 851 00:36:42,910 --> 00:36:45,954 I've got a Mexican, and I'm not afraid to use it. 852 00:36:45,954 --> 00:36:47,915 - I am not an "it." My name is Carlos. 853 00:36:47,915 --> 00:36:49,541 - This is not about you. 854 00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:52,377 Anybody makes a move, and I blow him. 855 00:36:52,377 --> 00:36:54,087 [insect abruptly stops chirping] 856 00:36:57,549 --> 00:37:00,219 With the leaf blower. 857 00:37:00,219 --> 00:37:02,387 I can't believe you all went there. 858 00:37:02,387 --> 00:37:04,056 I am so disappointed. 859 00:37:04,056 --> 00:37:06,892 Ah, screw it. 860 00:37:12,481 --> 00:37:16,401 Good-bye, Americaville. 861 00:37:16,401 --> 00:37:17,945 - Hello, traitor. 862 00:37:17,945 --> 00:37:19,404 - [muffled screams] Hassan! 863 00:37:24,785 --> 00:37:28,914 - It's day five of "America Made to Look Stupid." 864 00:37:28,914 --> 00:37:32,042 The little town of Americaville deals with the revelation 865 00:37:32,042 --> 00:37:35,462 that they've been harboring the known terrorist Achmed 866 00:37:35,462 --> 00:37:37,756 who lived among them in disguise. 867 00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:39,508 Reaction to this story has come 868 00:37:39,508 --> 00:37:41,510 from across the political spectrum, 869 00:37:41,510 --> 00:37:43,387 with Democrats and Republicans 870 00:37:43,387 --> 00:37:45,931 finally finding common ground on something. 871 00:37:45,931 --> 00:37:49,643 Americaville, now known as Terrorist Town, USA, 872 00:37:49,643 --> 00:37:53,397 is the worst city in the entire United States. 873 00:37:53,397 --> 00:37:54,898 - It's a town of pinheads, 874 00:37:54,898 --> 00:37:56,358 and the biggest pinheads of all 875 00:37:56,358 --> 00:37:58,277 are the family that harbored the terrorist. 876 00:37:58,277 --> 00:37:59,945 And they're the subject of my new book, 877 00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:01,446 Killing the Wilsons. 878 00:38:01,446 --> 00:38:04,408 - America is a country of laws and due process, 879 00:38:04,408 --> 00:38:05,742 but in the Wilsons' case, 880 00:38:05,742 --> 00:38:07,869 a drone strike is too good for them. 881 00:38:07,869 --> 00:38:09,496 - Are we even sure 882 00:38:09,496 --> 00:38:11,123 that Mr. Wilson is the father of this terrorist? 883 00:38:11,123 --> 00:38:12,958 [cheers and applause] 884 00:38:12,958 --> 00:38:16,086 - [chomping] 885 00:38:16,086 --> 00:38:17,587 Hmm? 886 00:38:17,587 --> 00:38:19,172 - Automaker U.S. Motors, 887 00:38:19,172 --> 00:38:22,134 where terrorist harborer Wayne Wilson once worked, 888 00:38:22,134 --> 00:38:24,886 announced today that, as a gesture of apology, 889 00:38:24,886 --> 00:38:26,805 they will close their Americaville plant, 890 00:38:26,805 --> 00:38:28,473 demolish it, burn the ruins, 891 00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:29,975 lock the ashes in a concrete vault, 892 00:38:29,975 --> 00:38:32,311 and bury the vault under Giants Stadium. 893 00:38:32,311 --> 00:38:34,896 - Would you mind if we turned that off? 894 00:38:34,896 --> 00:38:37,399 - Sorry. We're under orders to make you watch it 895 00:38:37,399 --> 00:38:39,776 and keep TiVo-ing back to the beginning. 896 00:38:39,776 --> 00:38:42,029 - And they're the subject of my new book, 897 00:38:42,029 --> 00:38:46,700 Killing the Wilsons. 898 00:38:46,700 --> 00:38:48,452 - So that's your testimony. 899 00:38:48,452 --> 00:38:51,705 You had no idea this fella was a terrorist or a skeleton? 900 00:38:51,705 --> 00:38:53,373 - No, we just liked him. 901 00:38:53,373 --> 00:38:54,958 - Okay, we're done here. 902 00:38:54,958 --> 00:38:56,668 - Thank you. 903 00:38:56,668 --> 00:38:58,879 Maybe we can go back to some version of our lives and- 904 00:38:58,879 --> 00:39:00,297 - No, ma'am, you don't understand. 905 00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:02,424 I said we're done here. 906 00:39:02,424 --> 00:39:07,179 [bus beeps] 907 00:39:07,179 --> 00:39:09,598 - This is not the America I grew up in. 908 00:39:09,598 --> 00:39:11,266 - I advise you to be quiet. 909 00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:13,268 Anything you say may be used against you at trial. 910 00:39:13,268 --> 00:39:15,645 - [whispering indistinctly] - Oh, there won't be a trial. 911 00:39:15,645 --> 00:39:17,230 Uh, no worries, then. Here we go. 912 00:39:17,230 --> 00:39:20,025 [mariachi music] 913 00:39:20,025 --> 00:39:21,485 J"J" 914 00:39:21,485 --> 00:39:25,364 - My friends, today your new life begins, 915 00:39:25,364 --> 00:39:29,451 for just on the other side of this tunnel is America 916 00:39:29,451 --> 00:39:33,538 and your new Home... Depot parking lot. 917 00:39:33,538 --> 00:39:35,040 ' Yes! 918 00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:37,501 Oh, we are finally out of that wretched place 919 00:39:37,501 --> 00:39:39,961 and away from those horrible people. 920 00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:44,299 But you guys have fun. Knock yourselves out. 921 00:39:44,299 --> 00:39:47,302 [mariachi music] 922 00:39:47,302 --> 00:39:49,971 J"J" 923 00:39:49,971 --> 00:39:53,141 - I can't believe the Wilsons just gave me up 924 00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:55,143 after all we meant to each other. 925 00:39:55,143 --> 00:39:56,520 I broke bread with them. 926 00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:58,647 I put a bomb in their guest room. 927 00:39:58,647 --> 00:40:00,816 - How could you let yourself be brainwashed 928 00:40:00,816 --> 00:40:03,276 by those infidels, after we spent so much time 929 00:40:03,276 --> 00:40:04,903 brainwashing you to hate them? 930 00:40:04,903 --> 00:40:07,739 - I guess I am just washable. 931 00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:09,616 - Soon this will all be over, 932 00:40:09,616 --> 00:40:12,786 and the decadent nation will only be a bitter memory. 933 00:40:12,786 --> 00:40:15,622 Two tickets for the Third World, please, first-class. 934 00:40:15,622 --> 00:40:17,916 - May the Wilsons rot in hell! 935 00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:20,627 I am glad I will never see them again. 936 00:40:20,627 --> 00:40:22,504 Wait. What's this? 937 00:40:22,504 --> 00:40:25,132 - There we see the escaped terrorist's accomplices 938 00:40:25,132 --> 00:40:26,425 being led away to prison. 939 00:40:26,425 --> 00:40:28,677 - Terrorist lovers, go home! 940 00:40:28,677 --> 00:40:31,012 Go back to another country! 941 00:40:31,012 --> 00:40:32,639 - They were not my accomplices. 942 00:40:32,639 --> 00:40:35,225 I was the mastermind of this fiasco. 943 00:40:35,225 --> 00:40:36,893 - If I could just say one thing... 944 00:40:36,893 --> 00:40:39,479 Claude, Achmed, wherever you are, 945 00:40:39,479 --> 00:40:41,690 if you can hear me... - I can! 946 00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:44,359 - We know you're really a nice boy, 947 00:40:44,359 --> 00:40:47,737 and we hope you're okay. 948 00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:49,406 - [bleep]! 949 00:40:49,406 --> 00:40:52,117 What? 950 00:40:52,117 --> 00:40:54,369 - The Wilsons are put onto the prison bus and... 951 00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:59,875 goooooooooal! 952 00:40:59,875 --> 00:41:02,586 - I can't let the Wilsons become the first innocent people 953 00:41:02,586 --> 00:41:04,796 ever wrongly imprisoned in America. 954 00:41:04,796 --> 00:41:07,299 Hassan, you must take me back there to help them. 955 00:41:07,299 --> 00:41:08,884 - You are insane. 956 00:41:08,884 --> 00:41:10,594 I wouldn't pay more attention to the shrieks 957 00:41:10,594 --> 00:41:12,471 of a rabid water buffalo. 958 00:41:12,471 --> 00:41:15,098 - Oh, yes, how is your wife? [laughs] 959 00:41:15,098 --> 00:41:18,477 Zing, boom! American put-down humor. 960 00:41:18,477 --> 00:41:21,062 - For that, I should kill until you are dead. 961 00:41:21,062 --> 00:41:23,565 But she is fine. She's lost some weight. 962 00:41:23,565 --> 00:41:25,317 She's more cow than water buffalo. 963 00:41:25,317 --> 00:41:27,360 Anyway, come to your senses! 964 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:30,947 Why do you want to go back to that devil-filled country? 965 00:41:30,947 --> 00:41:33,074 - All right, I will tell you. 966 00:41:33,074 --> 00:41:35,911 I want you to imagine a place where all are equal 967 00:41:35,911 --> 00:41:39,331 and all are welcome, no matter where you came from 968 00:41:39,331 --> 00:41:42,542 or who your father was or how much land you own. 969 00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:45,837 It's a place dedicated to the pursuit of happiness, 970 00:41:45,837 --> 00:41:49,299 where all the good things in life are spread before you. 971 00:41:49,299 --> 00:41:53,261 And it is your right to take as much as your heart desires. 972 00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:58,683 This place, my friend, is called HomeBound Buffet. 973 00:41:58,683 --> 00:42:00,435 And America is filled with them. 974 00:42:00,435 --> 00:42:03,355 Loom 975 00:42:03,355 --> 00:42:07,776 - These people- they all seem so happy. 976 00:42:07,776 --> 00:42:10,946 - That's what unlimited buffet does for a nation. 977 00:42:10,946 --> 00:42:12,239 - Unlimited? 978 00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:14,824 Surely there must be some limits. 979 00:42:14,824 --> 00:42:16,117 - Nope. 980 00:42:16,117 --> 00:42:18,453 - All right, they serve dinner, yes, 981 00:42:18,453 --> 00:42:20,664 but surely not desert. 982 00:42:20,664 --> 00:42:25,043 - Bottomless frozen-yogurt bar with all kinds of toppings- 983 00:42:25,043 --> 00:42:28,004 Oreo, Snickers, Cap'n Crunch. 984 00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:30,340 - Don't say Butterfingers. Don't say Butterfingers. 985 00:42:30,340 --> 00:42:32,217 - Butterfingers. 986 00:42:32,217 --> 00:42:35,178 - [gasps] I must go there at once. 987 00:42:36,805 --> 00:42:39,307 [grunting] Let me in! 988 00:42:39,307 --> 00:42:42,435 I must go to... Route 75, America, 989 00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:44,646 at the West Town Country Mall at once. 990 00:42:44,646 --> 00:42:47,274 - No! We have to save the Wilsons first. 991 00:42:47,274 --> 00:42:49,901 - Just a little fro-yo? - Okay. 992 00:42:49,901 --> 00:42:53,655 One standard serving of fro-yo, no more than two toppings. 993 00:42:53,655 --> 00:42:54,656 - Ooh, yay! 994 00:42:55,615 --> 00:42:56,783 - Let us in! 995 00:42:56,783 --> 00:42:58,076 [siren wailing] - Hey, you. 996 00:42:58,076 --> 00:42:59,369 Get away from there. 997 00:42:59,369 --> 00:43:01,246 - Holy crap. It's the po-po. 998 00:43:01,246 --> 00:43:04,082 That's the funny name they have for police in America. 999 00:43:04,082 --> 00:43:05,500 - I love it. 1000 00:43:05,500 --> 00:43:08,211 - I said get out of here. No entry! 1001 00:43:08,211 --> 00:43:10,213 - But we have to save our friends. 1002 00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:12,340 The FBI thinks they are terrorists, 1003 00:43:12,340 --> 00:43:13,842 but they're not. 1004 00:43:13,842 --> 00:43:16,219 We are... 1005 00:43:16,219 --> 00:43:18,805 is what a bad person would say 1006 00:43:18,805 --> 00:43:21,391 in the scene from our new Broadway musical, 1007 00:43:21,391 --> 00:43:23,685 Les Mis Arabs. 1008 00:43:23,685 --> 00:43:24,978 Uh, got to go! 1009 00:43:24,978 --> 00:43:27,230 - Terrorists! After 'em! 1010 00:43:27,230 --> 00:43:29,482 [siren wailing] 1011 00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:36,823 - Achmed, I am so sorry. What do we do now? 1012 00:43:36,823 --> 00:43:38,491 - We do what Americans do. 1013 00:43:38,491 --> 00:43:40,118 - Eat? - No. 1014 00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:42,746 What Americans do when they run out of options. 1015 00:43:42,746 --> 00:43:44,456 - Throw a Hail Mary pass? 1016 00:43:44,456 --> 00:43:46,207 - Close. They pray. 1017 00:43:46,207 --> 00:43:49,461 - But we pray all the time, like, 38 times a day. 1018 00:43:49,461 --> 00:43:52,088 - No, no, we have to pray like Americans. 1019 00:43:52,088 --> 00:43:53,673 - How is that? 1020 00:43:53,673 --> 00:43:56,051 - They ask for things like sports victories, 1021 00:43:56,051 --> 00:43:59,054 no pregnancy, and celebrity side boob. 1022 00:43:59,054 --> 00:44:01,640 - What do we pray for- side boob? 1023 00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:03,266 - No. A miracle. 1024 00:44:06,603 --> 00:44:09,439 [haunting chant] 1025 00:44:09,439 --> 00:44:11,858 J"J" 1026 00:44:11,858 --> 00:44:13,985 Aah! 1027 00:44:13,985 --> 00:44:15,278 - Side boob. 1028 00:44:15,278 --> 00:44:17,238 Aah! Aah! 1029 00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:19,115 [eagle screeches] 1030 00:44:19,115 --> 00:44:20,617 It's American. 1031 00:44:20,617 --> 00:44:23,161 - Yes, bald eagle, mighty American symbol, 1032 00:44:23,161 --> 00:44:25,538 who is the second-place choice after a turkey, 1033 00:44:25,538 --> 00:44:27,999 take us into America. 1034 00:44:27,999 --> 00:44:31,378 It's turban time! 1035 00:44:31,378 --> 00:44:34,381 [rock music] 1036 00:44:34,381 --> 00:44:42,138 J"J" 1037 00:44:57,862 --> 00:44:59,698 [eagle screeches] 1038 00:44:59,698 --> 00:45:02,909 [both screaming] 1039 00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:09,457 - We have live team coverage of the bus convoy 1040 00:45:09,457 --> 00:45:11,876 as it slowly makes its way down the main street 1041 00:45:11,876 --> 00:45:14,713 of Americaville and on to Guantanamo. 1042 00:45:14,713 --> 00:45:17,173 Let's go now live to our Madison Ashford, 1043 00:45:17,173 --> 00:45:18,800 who's embedded with the terrorist family 1044 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,719 and their captors. 1045 00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:23,888 - Dave, I'm here with the terrorist sympathizers. 1046 00:45:23,888 --> 00:45:26,933 - We simply gave him a home. 1047 00:45:26,933 --> 00:45:28,560 - Confessed terrorist sympathizers 1048 00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:30,895 as they head to their well-earned imprisonment. 1049 00:45:30,895 --> 00:45:34,733 - There's no place like home. 1050 00:45:34,733 --> 00:45:36,943 - Another barrage of eggs has hit the bus. 1051 00:45:36,943 --> 00:45:39,279 That's why I'm in body armor. 1052 00:45:39,279 --> 00:45:41,239 - There's my Girl Scout leader 1053 00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:44,576 and my civics teacher. 1054 00:45:44,576 --> 00:45:46,578 - Well, who threw all those? 1055 00:45:46,578 --> 00:45:48,413 - Father O'Malley and Rabbi Weisman 1056 00:45:48,413 --> 00:45:51,499 are holding a slingshot for lmam Abdullah. 1057 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:57,338 - Well, at least we helped bring some people together. 1058 00:45:57,338 --> 00:46:00,508 - Wilsons, if there's a hell, you're going to it. 1059 00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:02,010 - Hey, when this is over, 1060 00:46:02,010 --> 00:46:04,846 you guys want to walk into a bar? 1061 00:46:04,846 --> 00:46:07,849 [Americana music] 1062 00:46:07,849 --> 00:46:09,976 J"J" 1063 00:46:09,976 --> 00:46:12,896 - Oh. [chomping] 1064 00:46:12,896 --> 00:46:14,981 Oh! 1065 00:46:18,777 --> 00:46:21,362 Oh! lam so full. 1066 00:46:21,362 --> 00:46:23,531 I think America is going to mean death to me. 1067 00:46:23,531 --> 00:46:24,949 [laughs] 1068 00:46:24,949 --> 00:46:27,786 - Funny. That could be the title of your memoir. 1069 00:46:27,786 --> 00:46:31,039 - That's a little too on the nose for me. 1070 00:46:31,039 --> 00:46:33,833 I will ask the Wilsons what they think about it. 1071 00:46:33,833 --> 00:46:36,294 - The Wilsons! We've got to save them. 1072 00:46:36,294 --> 00:46:38,129 Hassan, we must leave now, 1073 00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:41,341 but stealthfully to avoid detection. 1074 00:46:44,594 --> 00:46:45,970 - How was your meal, gentlemen? 1075 00:46:45,970 --> 00:46:47,806 - Oh, it was perfect, so delicious. 1076 00:46:47,806 --> 00:46:49,432 But we have to go now. 1077 00:46:49,432 --> 00:46:50,725 - We're bringing out a new trough 1078 00:46:50,725 --> 00:46:52,018 of Butterfinger pieces. 1079 00:46:52,018 --> 00:46:54,270 - How very fattening of you. Thanks. 1080 00:46:54,270 --> 00:46:57,774 - Are they freshly crumbled? - You bet ya. 1081 00:46:57,774 --> 00:47:00,193 - Much as we'd like to gorge ourselves into an early grave, 1082 00:47:00,193 --> 00:47:02,195 we really have to go... now! 1083 00:47:02,195 --> 00:47:04,739 [both arguing in native language] 1084 00:47:04,739 --> 00:47:07,116 Charlie Sheen. [both continue arguing] 1085 00:47:07,116 --> 00:47:08,868 Bush. - Is something wrong? 1086 00:47:08,868 --> 00:47:11,162 - Oh, no, it's all hunky-dory. 1087 00:47:11,162 --> 00:47:12,664 What could be wrong? 1088 00:47:12,664 --> 00:47:14,332 We've had our ridiculously huge dinner, 1089 00:47:14,332 --> 00:47:16,209 burped and farted to our heart's content, 1090 00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:18,920 and now we're leaving, just like any other Americans- 1091 00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:21,965 [gasps] 1092 00:47:21,965 --> 00:47:23,800 I look so young in that picture. 1093 00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,344 [guns cocking] 1094 00:47:26,344 --> 00:47:28,680 Holy crap. 1095 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,850 [chuckles] Well, it looks like you've got us. 1096 00:47:31,850 --> 00:47:33,726 Oh, look, they're putting out more pizza bread. 1097 00:47:33,726 --> 00:47:36,604 All: Ooh! - Go! Go, go, go, go! 1098 00:47:48,867 --> 00:47:51,786 [bell dinging] 1099 00:47:58,042 --> 00:48:00,169 [chomping] 1100 00:48:00,169 --> 00:48:02,547 [burps] More sprinkles, please. 1101 00:48:02,547 --> 00:48:05,300 Oh, and some fresh bread. 1102 00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:24,694 - Wow. This country throws out so many cars. 1103 00:48:24,694 --> 00:48:26,279 It's fantastic! 1104 00:48:26,279 --> 00:48:27,906 - I know, right? 1105 00:48:27,906 --> 00:48:29,449 This is not good. 1106 00:48:29,449 --> 00:48:32,201 The Wilsons need me, and I've let them down. 1107 00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:34,913 The least I can do, in case we don't make it, 1108 00:48:34,913 --> 00:48:37,832 is write a note that clears them. 1109 00:48:37,832 --> 00:48:39,250 Can it be? 1110 00:48:39,250 --> 00:48:41,753 Hassan, how are you at building things? 1111 00:48:41,753 --> 00:48:43,838 - Not as good as blowing things up. 1112 00:48:43,838 --> 00:48:45,423 - That's going to have to change. 1113 00:48:45,423 --> 00:48:48,885 Grab that welding crap and come with me. 1114 00:48:48,885 --> 00:48:52,013 - What are we building? - You'll see! 1115 00:49:00,730 --> 00:49:02,607 - These are hurting my wrists. 1116 00:49:02,607 --> 00:49:05,985 - Sorry, ma'am. I'm under orders. 1117 00:49:05,985 --> 00:49:09,113 All right. 1118 00:49:09,113 --> 00:49:10,823 - You can do that? 1119 00:49:10,823 --> 00:49:12,742 - It's highly classified. 1120 00:49:12,742 --> 00:49:14,702 - So are you. 1121 00:49:14,702 --> 00:49:17,038 - I'm not sure you know what that word means, 1122 00:49:17,038 --> 00:49:18,873 but thank you. 1123 00:49:21,209 --> 00:49:25,129 - Ooh, Chris Matthews is going to get moist over this. 1124 00:49:27,173 --> 00:49:29,634 - Honey, ain't this the best anniversary present, 1125 00:49:29,634 --> 00:49:31,970 seeing our neighbors go to prison? 1126 00:49:31,970 --> 00:49:33,721 - Jewelry's nice. 1127 00:49:33,721 --> 00:49:35,682 - Hey, what song should I play now? 1128 00:49:35,682 --> 00:49:37,016 [snorts] 1129 00:49:37,016 --> 00:49:39,018 How about America, Eff Yeah, 1130 00:49:39,018 --> 00:49:40,853 from that Team America movie? 1131 00:49:40,853 --> 00:49:42,855 - That song is ironic, Chet. 1132 00:49:42,855 --> 00:49:45,483 - It ain't ironic if you don't get the joke. 1133 00:49:48,528 --> 00:49:50,113 " Ow! 1134 00:49:50,113 --> 00:49:51,823 That better be cage-free. 1135 00:49:51,823 --> 00:49:54,993 - Bite my justice, you arugula-eating left turd! 1136 00:49:54,993 --> 00:49:56,077 [laughing] 1137 00:49:57,036 --> 00:49:58,329 - Now, I know things look bad, 1138 00:49:58,329 --> 00:50:00,123 but we can't just give up. 1139 00:50:00,123 --> 00:50:01,916 We have to maintain hope 1140 00:50:01,916 --> 00:50:04,919 that something or someone can save us. 1141 00:50:04,919 --> 00:50:06,921 - That's right, kids. 1142 00:50:06,921 --> 00:50:08,923 We have to hope for something better 1143 00:50:08,923 --> 00:50:10,883 because that's what we do. 1144 00:50:10,883 --> 00:50:14,053 I don't know who will help us. It could be a stranger. 1145 00:50:14,053 --> 00:50:16,014 It could be someone who hasn't been born yet. 1146 00:50:16,014 --> 00:50:17,724 It could be- 1147 00:50:17,724 --> 00:50:19,183 Flaming skull! 1148 00:50:19,183 --> 00:50:20,768 - Is that a superhero? 1149 00:50:20,768 --> 00:50:23,312 - No, it's a flaming skull! Loom 1150 00:50:23,312 --> 00:50:27,692 [engine revving] 1151 00:50:27,692 --> 00:50:30,653 - Greetings, infidels! 1152 00:50:30,653 --> 00:50:32,363 - It's Claude. 1153 00:50:32,363 --> 00:50:34,991 - My name is Achmed! 1154 00:50:36,451 --> 00:50:39,287 [tires squealing] 1155 00:50:41,122 --> 00:50:43,750 - [speaking French] 1156 00:50:46,252 --> 00:50:50,089 - Girl car! 1157 00:50:50,089 --> 00:50:52,842 Wiener substitute! 1158 00:50:52,842 --> 00:50:54,761 - Ah, hell, no. 1159 00:50:57,638 --> 00:50:59,140 - Leave him alone, Chet! 1160 00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:01,017 You're what's wrong with America! 1161 00:51:01,017 --> 00:51:03,352 - No! You're what's wrong with America! 1162 00:51:03,352 --> 00:51:04,645 Americaw! 1163 00:51:04,645 --> 00:51:08,691 - Gentlemen, you are both correct! 1164 00:51:08,691 --> 00:51:11,152 - Hey, what the- Get out of my way! 1165 00:51:11,152 --> 00:51:12,445 - I hate you, Chet! 1166 00:51:12,445 --> 00:51:13,738 - Damn- - I've always hated you! 1167 00:51:13,738 --> 00:51:15,031 - Turd car! 1168 00:51:15,031 --> 00:51:18,034 - HEY- 1169 00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:19,452 Oh. Sorry. 1170 00:51:19,452 --> 00:51:20,745 - No worries. 1171 00:51:20,745 --> 00:51:23,790 We've got Obamacare. 1172 00:51:23,790 --> 00:51:27,085 Hello, Wilsons! I love you! 1173 00:51:27,085 --> 00:51:28,544 - Whoa! 1174 00:51:28,544 --> 00:51:31,422 - Even you, you little backstabber! 1175 00:51:31,422 --> 00:51:33,299 - Thanks, Achmed. 1176 00:51:33,299 --> 00:51:36,302 - I still say he's a bad man! 1177 00:51:36,302 --> 00:51:39,013 - Someone has been practicing! 1178 00:51:39,013 --> 00:51:40,681 - Thanks! 1179 00:51:43,226 --> 00:51:48,689 - Great Hoover's pantyhose. What the hell? 1180 00:51:48,689 --> 00:51:50,942 - I am turning myself in. 1181 00:51:50,942 --> 00:51:52,318 - He's turning himself into a bomb. 1182 00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:54,779 - I think he said, "Turning myself in." 1183 00:51:54,779 --> 00:51:56,823 - When did you graduate from Quantico? 1184 00:51:56,823 --> 00:51:58,116 Prepare to fire. 1185 00:51:58,116 --> 00:52:01,077 - How is it going? 1186 00:52:01,077 --> 00:52:02,870 - Been better, been worse. 1187 00:52:02,870 --> 00:52:06,124 - Don't shoot! Please, hear him out. 1188 00:52:06,124 --> 00:52:09,877 - Ladies and gentlemen and big dangerous guns, 1189 00:52:09,877 --> 00:52:12,672 I came back to tell you that these wonderful people, 1190 00:52:12,672 --> 00:52:16,592 the Wilsons, do not deserve to be taken to prison. 1191 00:52:16,592 --> 00:52:18,719 I do. [all gasp] 1192 00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:21,639 - Wait, wait, wait. Why did we all just gasp? 1193 00:52:21,639 --> 00:52:23,266 We know he should go to prison. 1194 00:52:23,266 --> 00:52:24,559 - I don't know. 1195 00:52:24,559 --> 00:52:26,269 I feel kind of stupid about that now. 1196 00:52:26,269 --> 00:52:28,062 - It's true that I came here 1197 00:52:28,062 --> 00:52:29,939 with the intent of doing you harm, 1198 00:52:29,939 --> 00:52:31,774 but that is all over. 1199 00:52:31,774 --> 00:52:34,402 And the Wilsons had nothing to do with it 1200 00:52:34,402 --> 00:52:36,821 because they are decent, kind people, 1201 00:52:36,821 --> 00:52:39,157 like Americans everywhere. 1202 00:52:39,157 --> 00:52:41,159 - Let me know when you got the shot. 1203 00:52:41,159 --> 00:52:43,202 - Roger that. 1204 00:52:43,202 --> 00:52:47,123 - The Wilsons' only crime was seeing the best in me, 1205 00:52:47,123 --> 00:52:51,002 and my only crime was not seeing the best in them... 1206 00:52:51,002 --> 00:52:54,005 and plotting to blow up the whole town, yada, yada. 1207 00:52:54,005 --> 00:52:55,923 - If I may say a word or two. 1208 00:52:55,923 --> 00:52:58,843 - Of course, sir. Where's my kill shot, people? 1209 00:52:58,843 --> 00:53:00,219 - I don't see him. 1210 00:53:00,219 --> 00:53:02,513 Oh, wait. 1211 00:53:02,513 --> 00:53:04,557 That's better. We're clear. 1212 00:53:04,557 --> 00:53:06,434 Subject is in the target zone. 1213 00:53:06,434 --> 00:53:08,352 - On my command, in three... 1214 00:53:08,352 --> 00:53:09,770 - I'd like to say a few words 1215 00:53:09,770 --> 00:53:12,440 about this remarkable young man. 1216 00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:14,942 - Hey, whoever is playing with that laser pen out there 1217 00:53:14,942 --> 00:53:16,485 should really stop. 1218 00:53:16,485 --> 00:53:18,029 You could detach a retina. 1219 00:53:18,029 --> 00:53:19,322 - They're going to shoot him. 1220 00:53:19,322 --> 00:53:20,907 - ..Two, one, f- 1221 00:53:20,907 --> 00:53:23,201 - Sniper team, stand down! 1222 00:53:23,201 --> 00:53:24,785 - What- Who is that? 1223 00:53:24,785 --> 00:53:26,579 - I said stand down! 1224 00:53:26,579 --> 00:53:28,706 That is a direct order! 1225 00:53:28,706 --> 00:53:30,458 This is General Charles McCarthy 1226 00:53:30,458 --> 00:53:32,335 of the United States Joint Command, 1227 00:53:32,335 --> 00:53:35,713 and I order you to stand down now! 1228 00:53:35,713 --> 00:53:37,131 That's better. 1229 00:53:37,131 --> 00:53:39,800 - It's a miracle. - Kind of. 1230 00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:42,887 - Now toss your weapons in that drainage ditch. 1231 00:53:45,014 --> 00:53:47,600 And let Mr. Wilson speak. 1232 00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,560 - Thank you, General McCarthy. 1233 00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,812 And thank you, son. 1234 00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:56,150 - [grunting] 1235 00:53:58,611 --> 00:54:00,821 - Why ain't they shooting him? He's right there. 1236 00:54:00,821 --> 00:54:02,573 - He's surrendering peacefully. 1237 00:54:02,573 --> 00:54:04,242 - Not in my America. 1238 00:54:04,242 --> 00:54:05,910 - Now, dear, this ain't right. 1239 00:54:05,910 --> 00:54:09,413 - Why can't you be more supportive of my hobbies? 1240 00:54:11,415 --> 00:54:13,417 - That is not good. 1241 00:54:17,922 --> 00:54:20,091 I can see my cave from here. 1242 00:54:20,091 --> 00:54:23,010 - Au revoir, you towel-headed French fry. 1243 00:54:23,010 --> 00:54:26,222 - Now, Chet! - Don't "now, Chet" me. 1244 00:54:26,222 --> 00:54:28,516 He got what he deserved. 1245 00:54:28,516 --> 00:54:30,768 You do good things, and you'll be rewarded. 1246 00:54:30,768 --> 00:54:33,938 You do bad things, and it's hasta la bye-bye. 1247 00:54:33,938 --> 00:54:36,565 [beeping] - Hiya, Chet. 1248 00:54:36,565 --> 00:54:38,276 - Save me, Sean Hannity! 1249 00:54:42,071 --> 00:54:45,366 - No! My fuel-efficient hybrid! 1250 00:54:45,366 --> 00:54:47,034 - My lower torso. 1251 00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:51,789 [triumphant music] 1252 00:54:51,789 --> 00:54:59,171 J"J" 1253 00:54:59,171 --> 00:55:01,424 - Anyway, you were saying. 1254 00:55:01,424 --> 00:55:04,635 - How can you still be alive? - I think I know. 1255 00:55:04,635 --> 00:55:08,139 Because the American dream burns within him. 1256 00:55:08,139 --> 00:55:10,641 - Actually, that's a piece of shrapnel. 1257 00:55:10,641 --> 00:55:12,226 But I feel you. 1258 00:55:12,226 --> 00:55:14,812 - This amazing young man, this skeleton- 1259 00:55:14,812 --> 00:55:17,648 Yes, I admit now he is just a talking skeleton. 1260 00:55:17,648 --> 00:55:19,984 No offense. - Please. We're past that. 1261 00:55:19,984 --> 00:55:21,652 - He stays alive 1262 00:55:21,652 --> 00:55:25,823 because he believes in the America we all believe in, 1263 00:55:25,823 --> 00:55:28,868 a place where you can make a fresh start 1264 00:55:28,868 --> 00:55:30,745 no matter where you came from, 1265 00:55:30,745 --> 00:55:32,830 where you can arrive in this country 1266 00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:34,832 without a dollar in your pocket, 1267 00:55:34,832 --> 00:55:37,418 change your name, and make a new life. 1268 00:55:37,418 --> 00:55:40,129 It happened to someone you might have heard of, 1269 00:55:40,129 --> 00:55:43,674 someone named Miss Shania Twain. 1270 00:55:43,674 --> 00:55:45,301 [record scratches, all gasp] 1271 00:55:45,301 --> 00:55:47,595 - She's not American? - Canadian. 1272 00:55:47,595 --> 00:55:49,555 [all gasp] - No. 1273 00:55:49,555 --> 00:55:51,640 - Who's Shania Twain? 1274 00:55:51,640 --> 00:55:53,893 Both: I love Shania Twain. 1275 00:55:53,893 --> 00:55:55,770 You do? 1276 00:55:55,770 --> 00:55:59,857 - So, to quote one of Shania Twain's biggest hits- 1277 00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:01,400 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman!? 1278 00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:02,693 - No. 1279 00:56:02,693 --> 00:56:04,362 Let's find a new spirit 1280 00:56:04,362 --> 00:56:06,655 of cooperation and forgiveness. 1281 00:56:06,655 --> 00:56:08,157 - That Don't Impress Me Much? 1282 00:56:08,157 --> 00:56:10,076 - Not that one either. I'm getting there. 1283 00:56:10,076 --> 00:56:12,078 Let's put our hearts together and- 1284 00:56:12,078 --> 00:56:13,871 - Well, those were two of her biggest hits 1285 00:56:13,871 --> 00:56:15,164 according to Billboard's country-western charts- 1286 00:56:15,164 --> 00:56:17,500 - Silence! You were saying? 1287 00:56:17,500 --> 00:56:19,877 - Let's make a new Americaville 1288 00:56:19,877 --> 00:56:25,007 and a new America from this moment on! 1289 00:56:25,007 --> 00:56:27,510 All: Aw! 1290 00:56:27,510 --> 00:56:30,346 - Okay, that was big too. 1291 00:56:33,391 --> 00:56:36,477 - Come here. 1292 00:56:39,063 --> 00:56:42,108 [romantic music] 1293 00:56:42,108 --> 00:56:45,319 J"J" 1294 00:56:45,319 --> 00:56:48,322 - I guess there's nobody for me to hug. 1295 00:56:48,322 --> 00:56:51,242 - Is this your stupid little annoying dog? 1296 00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:52,827 - Billy! - Billy? 1297 00:56:52,827 --> 00:56:54,829 I do not know who you're talking to. 1298 00:56:54,829 --> 00:56:56,330 My name is Claude. 1299 00:56:56,330 --> 00:56:58,958 - No, silly, the dog's name is Bill. 1300 00:56:58,958 --> 00:57:01,877 - You Americans give your dogs people names? 1301 00:57:01,877 --> 00:57:04,255 You are as dimwitted as you are boring. 1302 00:57:04,255 --> 00:57:06,507 - [gasps shudders] 1303 00:57:06,507 --> 00:57:09,427 I think I just got shot with an arrow. 1304 00:57:09,427 --> 00:57:11,804 - Uh, you can all go home. Sorry about that. 1305 00:57:11,804 --> 00:57:13,180 - That's okay. 1306 00:57:13,180 --> 00:57:15,182 And Achmed is free to go too, right? 1307 00:57:15,182 --> 00:57:16,475 - Uh... 1308 00:57:16,475 --> 00:57:18,561 - No, I am a criminal after all. 1309 00:57:18,561 --> 00:57:20,980 I do not think there is a Shania Twain song 1310 00:57:20,980 --> 00:57:23,566 to help me escape paying my debt to society. 1311 00:57:23,566 --> 00:57:26,110 - No One Needs to Know is appropriate. 1312 00:57:26,110 --> 00:57:28,654 - Loom 1313 00:57:28,654 --> 00:57:31,449 - How do you like that? It's the President! 1314 00:57:31,449 --> 00:57:32,867 - Of the United States? 1315 00:57:32,867 --> 00:57:35,744 - Yes, the United States Motor Company! 1316 00:57:37,621 --> 00:57:40,499 - Uh, Mr. Ach-med, 1317 00:57:40,499 --> 00:57:42,877 I've just spoken to the Attorney General, 1318 00:57:42,877 --> 00:57:44,545 and based on my offer 1319 00:57:44,545 --> 00:57:47,256 to personally vouch for your renunciation of terrorism 1320 00:57:47,256 --> 00:57:48,883 and the fact that you never accomplished 1321 00:57:48,883 --> 00:57:50,468 anything destructive... 1322 00:57:50,468 --> 00:57:52,219 - It's true. He blows. 1323 00:57:52,219 --> 00:57:54,388 - ...our government is prepared to grant you a full, 1324 00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:56,307 complete, and unconditional pardon. 1325 00:57:56,307 --> 00:57:58,184 - Yay! 1326 00:57:58,184 --> 00:58:00,686 - On one condition. - Boo! 1327 00:58:00,686 --> 00:58:03,355 - That you share with me the plans for that amazing car 1328 00:58:03,355 --> 00:58:05,065 that you just drove here today. 1329 00:58:05,065 --> 00:58:07,526 - My car? 1330 00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:10,321 - Yes, you've done the seemingly impossible. 1331 00:58:10,321 --> 00:58:12,948 You've created an American-made automobile 1332 00:58:12,948 --> 00:58:16,243 in America that Americans actually want to buy. 1333 00:58:16,243 --> 00:58:18,370 - It is a bad-ass ride. 1334 00:58:18,370 --> 00:58:20,623 - It's a deal. all: Yay! 1335 00:58:20,623 --> 00:58:22,291 - On one condition. 1336 00:58:22,291 --> 00:58:23,751 All: Boo! 1337 00:58:23,751 --> 00:58:26,003 - No, no, it's a good condition. 1338 00:58:26,003 --> 00:58:27,713 All: Yay! - Yay? 1339 00:58:27,713 --> 00:58:29,924 - The condition is you give credit 1340 00:58:29,924 --> 00:58:33,928 to the man who actually designed this car, Wayne Wilson. 1341 00:58:33,928 --> 00:58:35,638 - I thought that looked familiar. 1342 00:58:35,638 --> 00:58:37,139 - It should. 1343 00:58:37,139 --> 00:58:39,517 Hassan and I built it based on your drawing. 1344 00:58:39,517 --> 00:58:41,477 The flaming skull was me. 1345 00:58:41,477 --> 00:58:44,605 - Hey, everyone, Carl and I are opening a bed-and-breakfast. 1346 00:58:44,605 --> 00:58:45,981 Sorry, Ev. 1347 00:58:45,981 --> 00:58:47,816 - Well, I wondered when you were gonna 1348 00:58:47,816 --> 00:58:49,360 finally figure yourself out. 1349 00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:50,986 Go be happy. 1350 00:58:50,986 --> 00:58:53,656 Just leave me and Stan the beach house in Roanoke. 1351 00:58:53,656 --> 00:58:55,658 - Stan? - Good-bye! 1352 00:58:55,658 --> 00:58:58,577 I was a terrible mayor. 1353 00:58:58,577 --> 00:59:01,288 - This is the country you want to live in? 1354 00:59:01,288 --> 00:59:03,082 - There is not a better one. 1355 00:59:03,082 --> 00:59:04,833 - Then maybe you can be a reference 1356 00:59:04,833 --> 00:59:07,962 for my job application? 1357 00:59:07,962 --> 00:59:12,132 - Former terrorist log, love date 8/3/13. 1358 00:59:12,132 --> 00:59:14,552 I am now a citizen of Americaville. 1359 00:59:14,552 --> 00:59:16,554 It's a good life. 1360 00:59:16,554 --> 00:59:20,266 Wayne and Ginny have found their true calling. 1361 00:59:20,266 --> 00:59:24,270 The kids are having fun. 1362 00:59:24,270 --> 00:59:26,105 I've found a job where I can use my skills 1363 00:59:26,105 --> 00:59:28,899 and make people happy. 1364 00:59:28,899 --> 00:59:31,235 And once a week, we all get together 1365 00:59:31,235 --> 00:59:34,905 for a bountiful feast. 1366 00:59:38,367 --> 00:59:42,079 Yes, all in all, it's been one incredible year, 1367 00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:46,500 and the next one will be even better. 1368 00:59:46,500 --> 00:59:49,378 Good night, Wayne. - Good night, Achmed. 1369 00:59:49,378 --> 00:59:52,172 - Good night, Ginny. - Good night, Achmed. 1370 00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:54,133 - Good night, Cassidy. Good night, Kevin. 1371 00:59:54,133 --> 00:59:55,551 Good night, little Jeff. 1372 00:59:55,551 --> 00:59:57,595 - Good night. - Good night! 1373 00:59:57,595 --> 01:00:00,889 - Good night, dog with the dynamite in his mouth. 1374 01:00:00,889 --> 01:00:02,600 Uh-oh. [muffled explosion] 1375 01:00:02,600 --> 01:00:04,018 Good boy. 1376 01:00:04,018 --> 01:00:08,230 [(109 barks] 1377 01:00:08,230 --> 01:00:11,233 [rock guitar playing Star-Spangled Banner] 1378 01:00:11,233 --> 01:00:19,241 J"J" 1379 01:00:30,544 --> 01:00:33,547 [rock guitar playing The Battle Hymn of the Republic] 1380 01:00:33,547 --> 01:00:41,555 J"J" 92942