Original subtitles

Congratulations!

Your penis is a Tentacruel

with bulging pink glans and glittering mushroom blue veins.

Your penis is filled with a…

quiet menace.

Hmm.

Your Bulbasaur's special move is Ooze Attack, extremely potent pre-cum.

Watch out for…

Accidental pregnancies.

Your Flygon's special move is Poison Prison.

In which you ask a girl for so many reassurances that she loves you,

that she stops loving you.

Hmm.

Your Gengar's special moves are Ooze Attack and Clear Body,

in which your penis completely disappears,

which can happen when it's cold out or if you hear your mother's voice.

Whoa.

Your weiner is the cutest little Pokémon.

Pikachu, Pikachu.

And it ejaculates with a sneeze. Achoo!

Achoo!

You got 200 fans?

A hundred-ninety-six to be exact.

And you're just describing dicks as Pokémon?

Turns out the ones that hate their dicks, they tip the most.

That is amazing.

No, what's amazing is WangMangler99. She has 50,000 fans.

But no one can find me.

I need more exposure if I want more subscribers.

That's why I need to hook up with someone who's better at this than I am.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Aw. Who's the cutest?

Isn't he the cutest?

Yes, he is.

Nice.

Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.

Boobs. Boobs.

It's so meta, dude.

Don't make me look too fancy. We want things to feel authentic.

I know. I just have a thing about flat lighting.

Can I try on some of your cosplay stuff?

Oh, my God. Yes. Yes, please.

Just not Shadowheart, she's not ready yet. But anything else.

- Nice. Oh, that's nice with your hair. - Like this? Like that?

Sick.

- You wanna see? - Yeah.

There you go.

Oh, my God. These are funny.

They're also hot.

Where you going?

Well, day job does call from time to time.

Shuffling papers in the education mines.

Oh, right.

What?

Hmm, nothing. Just…

jealous, is all.

Sorry.

What are those?

Uh, Cheri just shipped me all of my belongings.

Media Mail. The cruelest class.

Kind of makes it official when your stuff gets sent.

You've been in your room a lot.

Yeah, so have you.

In Susie's room. What are you two doing in there?

We're making educational videos.

Ah.

Look, guys, I'm not just gonna pour hot wax all over my tits for free. Ooh.

Yeah, guys, it's-it's a very complicated process.

If you wanna see that, we'll do a payment plan, okay?

But we have to lay down a tarp.

We have to get protective eyewear.

- It's like a whole situation. - You gotta think of the furniture.

- You have to think of the furniture. - Somebody think of the furniture.

I want to go to a scare zone right now.

I need to go to a haunted maze.

You like the one with the spiders

- at Knott's Scary Farm. - You know damn well…

But she doesn't like the clowns that come and jump at you…

Knott's, huh?

Wait.

I knew it. I knew it.

That's the Huntington Beach pier.

You woke me for this?

- These girls are locals. - Okay.

With like 50,000 fans each.

Last week, they had a couple thousand people watching their stream, live.

HungryGhost needs to be buddies with these girls.

Hmm, it does sound beneficial.

I'm gonna message 'em. Hmm. Okay.

"Hi, I love your streams and I also live in Orange County

and I would love to be a guest someday,

if you would be willing to help a new creator survive in this crazy world."

No, you're being way too thirsty.

"PS. Big fan."

You said that already.

And $50 tip.

You can't buy buddies, Margo.

Watch me.

Zero response.

"Ha ha."

That's what I get for $50?

"Ha ha." Okay.

"Fuck the fuck off,

you flat-lit, flat-ass, Orange County, trash heap bitches."

Fuck you.

What?

"Titmouse"?

What do you mean you're going over there?

I mean, I'm going over there.

I paid them 50 bucks. I deserve satisfaction.

These could be dangerous people.

Well, huh. I can be dangerous too.

- Hey, how we doing? - Hey, hi.

Could you watch Bodhi for a couple hours? I have a job interview.

Uh, yeah. It just so happens my schedule's free today.

Margo.

Hey.

Hey. Oh, ah. Don't take it personal, sweetie.

She's just really annoyed at you. Come inside.

Hi, um, I'm--

HungryGhost.

We protect our precious identities around here. I'm SucculentRose.

Rose for short. Welcome, welcome, chica.

You look "funkadelic."

You got some balls to actually show up here.

Aw. Hi, baby.

That's Biotch.

She's a thousand years old. She hates the Roomba.

And KC.

I mean, WangMangler.

She acts mean, but really it's an affectation.

In actuality, she's fine.

Right, you're fine? Use your words.

Look, I'm sorry. It's just, I paid $50

and all I got back was "Ha ha" and it triggered me.

Aw. It triggered you? You're not getting back your 50 bucks.

Okay. K, K, K, K. Hey. Hi.

She's really pretty and young.

So, what are we? Chopped liver?

No. You've been saying it's time for us to introduce some new characters

and our lighting is flat. Maybe she can help.

Look at her, she's green.

Green? I'm not that green.

Don't get crazy, girl.

Oh, yeah, you're not that green?

You showed up to a random person's house in the middle of the week,

wearing fucking space buns. You don't even know us.

She's got a point.

Did you even share your location with anybody?

It's just not something that an experienced person does.

We could be human traffickers. Skin suit people. You don't know.

But you're not human traffickers.

You don't know.

What's skin suit people?

Like the movie that we watched the other day. Like Buffalo Bill.

- Oh. - Yeah.

He was sweet and he loved his little dog too.

Either way, you're not ready.

I think she's right.

You know, you risk being a liability.

Guys, look, I know that I am new to this…

…but I am so, so eager to collaborate.

And I've been told that I'm a really good writer by people.

I've got big ideas, world-transforming concepts

to drive your numbers up and up and up.

There she goes.

And listen to this crowd. Electric!

As Leather and Lace take on Jinx.

Oh, my goodness.

See? You get him around.

You see, how she's got him?

Guess again, ladies!

Brutal…

Hello.

Hello.

- Where's Margo? - Job interview.

Goddamn it.

You watching yourself fight women, Jinx?

No. It's just an old match with Leather and Lace.

She was supposed to do wedding prep with me today.

You can't reschedule?

You can't unbake a cake.

Marcy from the church has a bakery in Yorba Linda…

How is church, Shyanne? Are you enjoying church?

And she's doing our wedding cake for free, but I have to pick the flavor.

What's your favorite Psalm?

Mmm. And there is no way I am stuffing myself

with all this sugar so close to the date.

I happen to have developed quite a refined palate.

Mmm.

- Fine. Go for it. - Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Hi, baby. Hmm.

- You got him? - Uh-huh.

Hey. Hey, baby.

This one's…

Mmm…

Mmm. Mmm.

Nice crumb.

Mmm. Mmm.

- What the fuck? - Mmm.

He just cries with me.

I pass him back and…

Bend your knees.

- I'm sorry? - Go ahead. Bend 'em.

I didn't say squat. Just slightly.

Okay.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. It's all in the legs. - Mm-hmm.

When you bend the knees, kinda works like a shock system.

They feel safe. Mmm.

What?

I don't suppose you could've shared this with me back then?

When you walked out on her, she was a baby, you know?

Of all the times when she would need to be held,

would need to be made to feel safe, and you?

No, couldn't bother to say to me just bend your fucking knees.

What's your problem, Shyanne?

My problem is that she has always innately…

I mean, you don't even know her.

And she doesn't have the slightest idea of you.

And yet, with you she feels held and she feels safe.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Oh, just wedding stress and the planning.

I'm just…

Sometimes I think the whole wedding industrial complex is…

…is designed to, uh, make a woman feel like a failure.

This one right here, is the one.

It's pink champagne.

Ooh, hello, sexy Zelda. You're born to cosplay, bitch.

I still can't believe they actually asked you to collab.

Well, it's just a trial. A couple photo shoots in their weird sex-loft.

- Ooh. - A mutually beneficial agreement.

Mm-hmm.

They're worried that they're gonna get stale.

- And I'm fresh meat. - Oh.

High in Omega-3s.

Oh, gobble, gobble.

Think I might actually make a real living out of this.

Hey, cool dad shirt.

Listen, um…

There's this fan expo.

It's, uh, it's wrestlers, ex-wrestlers.

Signing autographs, that sorta thing.

I typically avoid 'em because they're for somebody I used to be,

which I'm not now.

How would you feel about coming with me?

- Everything okay? - Your mother made a remark.

How you don't have the slightest idea of me.

- That's not true. - It's true enough.

Anyway, it would be good for you to get a glimpse of my prior life.

The prior me.

I'm-I'm trying.

This is me trying.

I think he might be depressed.

Or it was what I said.

Mm-hmm. Nice.

Okay, um…

Well, you know, it's natural for a father to want to know his daughter

and for said daughter to have feelings if she doesn't actually know him.

True.

Mm-hmm.

I think I might talk to him. You know, clear the air.

It'll be fine.

- Girls, have you seen Bodhi's binky? - No! No!

Never mind!

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. Uh, I should've assumed.

I mean, I guess it makes sense that you and Susie

would be in a romantic relationship

- and decide not to tell me. - Ugh. That's…

That's not it at all.

Okay.

Then… Then what?

It's…

my job.

Your job?

Um…

I'm just gonna say it.

I made an account on OnlyFans and that's my job.

You're on OnlyFans?

I am.

It's, um… It's mainly writing.

It's like descriptive prose, really.

There are… There are sometimes some images.

Oh. May I see?

Um, absolutely not.

So, it's pornography.

It's not pornography.

Sometimes there's…

some nudity.

Oh, God. Margo.

Oh, I hate this. I hate it.

You don't wanna be one of those kinds of girls.

What kind of girls?

Sluts? Those kind of girls?

Girls who use sex and exhibitionism to get what they want.

This is not you.

So…

what's me?

Why don't you tell me what's me?

Well, my mom worked at Hooters and my father was a pro wrestler.

So, tell me what's me.

What about Bodhi's dad?

- What does he think about this? - No. He doesn't get a vote.

- He's not in the picture. - Well, he may one day

- want to reenter the picture. - I don't wanna talk about him ever.

This is not something an honorable person does.

I have a son…

who needs to be provided for.

How dare you judge me?

Hey.

Hey.

- What are you doing? - What do you mean what am I doing?

I'm picking you up to do our errands.

Do you remember we have a wedding coming up?

No, I mean what are you doing suddenly jerking the radio off like that?

Like what?

Like you didn't want me to hear what was playing.

Was it vulgar?

No, it was not vulgar.

Well, why didn't you want me to hear?

Uh…

I was listening to some sample wedding songs

and I thought I'd surprise you.

We have our wedding song.

W-Which we need to rehearse, by the way.

Does everything have to be so orchestrated?

- What's the matter? - No, nothing's the matter.

I just… I just… I don't know.

I… I would think we…

we would want the moment to be…

I don't know, more spontaneous.

W-Well, it's a ceremony, you know?

It takes work, Shyanne.

Probably a bit like marriage itself.

What? Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you, uh, having second thoughts about us?

No.

Well, then what's going on?

You're like a…

a new car, Kenny.

When people buy automobiles,

more times than not, they're buying the narrative.

The, um, driving it.

Being seen driving in it.

The way the car makes them feel.

I like how I feel when I'm with you.

Being seen with you

and I even like me with you.

That's awesome because I don't always like myself.

I…

I love you so much, Shyanne.

Well, maybe it's not meant to be.

- Of course it was meant to be. - Mom--

I didn't call you to talk me out of my marriage.

I just called to talk.

Yeah, well, I can't talk right now.

I'm at a wrestling convention with Dad.

What? Why?

Because of something you said.

About the cake?

And now here he is. So, I'll just… I'll talk to you later. Bye.

- All set. - All set.

Hey, uh, for today, can we…

can we just forget about that?

Of course.

Well, here we go.

Whoo!

Wow. So, these are your people?

Uh, past tense. These were my people.

Jinx?

Lace?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Uh, do you remember Margo?

- Hi. - Margo.

- Do you remember meeting her? - Yeah, you were like, three.

Feels like yesterday.

Now I feel old.

- You look fantastic. - Oh.

Well, I'm doing some photos later, so…

Man, I lost all track.

I assumed you moved to Melbourne after you and Leather…

Leather is dead to me.

Fair enough.

So-So what happened? You fall off the end of the earth

- or… - Oh, pretty much.

I went to law school.

- Say what? - Yeah.

I have an office in Costa Mesa.

- A nice little practice. - Jinx? Jinx.

Uh.

- Can we get a photo? - There we go.

- Excuse me. - Go for it.

- Sorry. - Hey, guys.

Wow. Look at that. People love your dad.

They just love him.

Aw.

- Thank you so much. - How about we give 'em a little show?

- Uh. - Come on. Come on. Jericho's game.

- Whoa. No. I don't think so. - Yes. For old time's sake.

Come on, man. Come on.

Lace! Lace! Lace!

Just like riding a bike.

Yeah, man! He's scared!

Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!

Jinx!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Come on now. Come on, old man.

Come on!

Yeah!

Jinx.

I love you, man.

Now give me a hip toss.

What do you think about that?

Now you can make some noise!

Just block this punch. Shoot me off. I'll take care of you.

Don't you dare take it easy on me.

Lace! Lace! Lace!

Lace! Lace! Lace!

One, two, three!

Lace! Lace! Lace! Lace! Lace!

Okay, lover boy. You can get up now.

- I actually can't. - What?

I just… I can't move.

Hey.

He says he's fine, but he can't quite move,

so they're sending us to urgent care.

Anaheim somewhere.

Okay. I-I'll call you in a bit.

Oh, Dude!

Oh, Jinx!

Hey, Jinx!

How you doing?

Uh, better.

I think I was just in spasm.

Listen. Come a little closer.

Um…

When we get to urgent care,

the doc is probably gonna ask me if I have any history with drugs.

I'm just gonna say no.

We can figure it out after.

I can just refuse to take whatever they send me home with.

I just know from my experience,

as soon as you bring it up, they instantly treat you like a criminal.

Okay.

Also…

I was so wrong to judge you before.

I'm sorry.

I was feeling protective of you.

But what you're doing,

we're all just putting on a show.

Entertaining.

As Lace or as Jinx.

- Or as? - HungryGhost.

Mmm. That's what I'm calling myself.

I like it.

And I love you.

And I'm gonna be there by your side.

No matter what.

The father. I know you told me to never talk to you about him,

but is this young man even aware that he is a father?

He… uh…

He was my teacher.

I beg your pardon?

My lit professor at Fullerton.

Your teacher?

I signed an NDA.

And it means I can't go back to school.

But he paid me, so it's done.

Margo, he… he fucking paid you?

- What are you… What are you even… - Just…

- We'll just talk about this later. Okay? - Fuck.

Fu…

You're sure he's okay?

The doctor said he's completely fine.

No compromise to the spinal fusion or anything.

Yes. And he's okay to walk, right?

Yeah. They actually recommended walking.

Basically, he just seized up.

Probably more from moving boxes than wrestling.

- Just keep an eye on him. - Yeah, uh, the reason I called…

I haven't got an eye on him.

What?

Uh, well, he went for a walk about 20 minutes ago.

- But he seemed okay. - Susie.

Look, it's difficult to keep an eye on…

…two different people. Yes, it is.

One who can walk, and one who can't.

Ghost, come on.

- We don't got all day. - I'm coming.

I'm sorry. I'll call you back.

Okay. All set.

I just wanna say one time,

if you don't wanna do this, it's okay.

It's easier to get in than it is to get out.

- I want in. - Okay.

Well, in that case, you need to make a TikTok and an Instagram.

- I have an Instagram. - Mmm. No, baby.

You need to make a TikTok and an Instagram as your HungryGhost persona.

Link it back to your OnlyFans,

totally separate from your personal accounts.

And try not to let the civs know what you're doing because they'll dox you.

And destroy your life. You know, put your real identity online.

- Okay. - A lot of times you're gonna get messages

saying that you should kill yourself,

or destroy your pussy with a cheese grater.

So, just find like, a really deep well of strength

and just tap in, you know?

What's this?

NDA and waiver.

You gotta sign it.

'Cause your life's about to change, girl.

And if not for the better, we can't have you suing us.

Just… fuck it.

Now, where are you with your taco?

- I beg your pardon? - Your vulva, my love.

What are you charging for pics?

Oh, I haven't even shown that yet.

What?

Zero vag pics at all?

Just boobs and butt only.

That's actually really good.

No. Like, that's insanely good.

Like, you cannot waste the vag debut. It's the biggest debut

- you'll make in your life. - No, we had no idea,

and we wasted ours weeks into the process.

- It was just… - Dude.

- Puss in the wind. - And we sold ours for like $3. Pathetic.

Oh, my God. I got it.

For your first vag shot,

we'll make you a scary girl.

- Scary girl? - Yeah. Like a sexy, scary girl

like, crawling up the walls, on the ceiling

and your head's flying around.

And you're floating in the air like a real hungry ghost ready to chomp on a dick.

Oh, my god! Like The Grudge.

Yeah, yeah. Like, it's your legs open

and then the hand comes out of the puss.

And then there's another puss in the hand

and another hand comes out of that.

- And it's like, infinite puss. - I'm obsessed.

- You give the best ideas. - You love it, right?

You know, I'll marinate on it.

Ugh, fine.

Your vag your choice, girl.

Now, why don't you tell us about some of those big, world-changing ideas you got?

Professor Gable. Sorry to interrupt.

James Millet.

Hi.

How do you do?

I guess I'm doing okay.

As okay as a 54-year-old man who has a daughter

and the last name Millet could expect to be doing.

You're hurting me.

What? With my handshake?

A firm handshake is a sign of good character.

You would be a proponent of good character,

wouldn't you, Professor?

I mean, if you had a kid, you would want he or she to grow up

to be a person of good character.

Am I right?

You're really hurting me.