Original subtitles

I want you so bad.

Yeah.

Pretty awesome, huh?

It's a no -brainer.

We bring booze to the party, and we're getting laid by the hottest chicks in

school. They're DTS.

Down to fuck.

Andy, nice touch with that sour cream, man.

I didn't do the sour cream.

Trust me. By the end of the night, you'll have your D -I -H -E, dick in

ear, T -I -H -A, toner ass, and my B -O -Y -C.

Balls on your chin.

That just sounds horrible, Jonah.

What? Are you saying you would just rather have my balls in your chin?

What are you doing, man? Nothing.

Hair in your eye. Look, it doesn't matter. What's important here is that we

someone who can get us alcohol so we can get some pee in the motherfucking Fiji

before our 18th birthday. That's it.

Ticka ticka, yeah.

Look what I picked up last night.

One freaking name for real, dude? What the hell is that?

It's a great ID.

That's fucking awesome, man.

Could you get me one?

Yeah, I can hook you up.

Because I am McAnum Lovin'. Your shivvy class of 2010.

Chicka, chicka, yeah, fake ID, fake ID.

Keep it down, bitches.

Look, normally I wouldn't give a shit.

But my cousin said that there's some serious side effects with this herb.

I mean serious.

What's wrong with you?

You're such a pussy.

It'll be the best shit you've ever smoked.

They're just telling you it's got side effects so they can keep it all for

themselves. All right, then you smoke some.

Not interested.

I'm on a diet.

I'll tell you what.

You smoke this shit for one week straight, and I'll pay your rent for six

months.

Seriously?

Uh, yeah.

You're a refined biatch.

You know, I know you're gay. How?

Uh, you just called me biatch.

You know how I know you're gay?

How? You have a dildo stuck in your ass. What?

Yeah, check it out.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, there you are, Fernando.

Hey, this smells like curry.

Check one, check two.

Oh, my God, this microphone smells like Jimmy's balls.

Hey, man.

I feel bad when I do stand -up comedy.

I'd do anything for somebody to teach me how.

Oh, you know what? Actually, I'm actually probably not the person to ask,

best person anyway, because I'm not very seasoned, but there are several comics

here that you could ask. Oh, no, you don't.

Excuse me for a minute there, young lady.

Biscuit, what the hell is the matter with you? What?

She wants your ass, and you're standing there with your dick in your hand. Give

me a break. She doesn't want me.

That's just stupid.

Come on, Biscuit.

Trust me.

Take it from a man who's been around. I may have the binge and button disease,

but I've had experience with women... Since childbirth, three days ago.

Bam!

Okay, thank you very much for sharing, but, you know, believe me, she doesn't

want me, okay?

You are a lost cause, my brother.

Well, you know what, black guy? I'm not like you, okay? I'm not some wizard at

reading women. I don't know how to do this. At least you're normal.

I'm a 25 -year -old in an 85 -year -old body.

Do you know what that shit's like, huh?

With the best fart my gay uncle waved.

Oh, dude, last night I was

fucking this chick. And we're in the middle of fucking.

And we're getting all sweaty.

And then I realized it's not sweat.

It's pee.

How does anyone stay a fucking virgin all these years?

I mean, there are shaved middle schoolers having sex on the internet

Not that I know that from experience.

I mean, that's what I heard from people that I met

on the Internet.

I'm the Green Hornet.

Yeah.

I just don't get it, Biscuit. How in the hell could you go 40 years and not have

sex? I don't know. I just kind of stopped trying.

That's okay, man.

That's what feminizing your disco stick is for.

What? You know, buttering your peppercorn, skinning your smoke wagon,

the sock with something other than your foot.

Oh, okay, you mean masturbation. I don't know what all that shit mean, man. I'm

talking about whacking off.

Yeah, well, I've never done that.

You what?

You've never busted a nut?

So you got 40 years of Prima all built up in there?

Yeah. Damn!

I know, and the worst part about it is I just feel so left out. It's like I feel

like everybody's having sex but me.

Ah, no pressure, biscuit.

Not everybody's sexing it up.

Oh, yeah?

What do you call that?

I say sex is not sex without penetration.

Oh, my God, what is that?

Mother of Mary.

Me likey.

Me likey Allah.

Walk lower.

Damn.

God, she was so pretty.

Oh. See, that's just my luck, black guy.

Oh, look, look, look, man.

She's okay.

That's all you, dog.

Oh, God, no.

Damn it, those gangs.

Maybe not.

Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.

So resilient. You're so full of verve and vigor.

Oh, man.

You guys are such assholes.

Damn, Biscuit. You do have some bad sex karma. We're going to have to change

your whole vibe.

Starting with that fur carpet.

All right, just ask yourself.

What's your why factor?

My why factor? Yeah, you valet attendant looking motherfucker. Your why factor.

Why are you buying alcohol legally?

Because you get some pussy in exchange for it.

Is this really what this is all about?

Of course.

What are you doing, man?

Nothing. It's a little mustard in your face. Look, guys, we get alcohol, we'll

be sacked deep by midnight.

All right? So, McGee and Eleven, get your fucking ass in there and get us our

factor. Give me that fucking vest, you faggot.

Yeah, take it off, dickhead. It looks like you're parking cars at Morton's.

look older, you fucking gay dude. Garth Brooks, I'm going to fucking kill you.

Give me that fucking vest and get the fuck in there.

Fucking hate him.

That didn't fucking work.

It wasn't funny. Fucking asshole.

So many things.

Can you hear me now?

Underage.

Go, go home to your mother.

Go.

Next, next, I .D., I .D.

Come on.

Out of state.

No good here. Next.

Come on, come on, come on.

I .D. Oh, that's very flattering, young man. But I was born in the year 1930.

Yes, I can see that you are old by your leathery hands and your breath that said

to your whooper.

What's a whooper?

Wrinkled upper puffy area.

No ID, no alcohol.

Next.

These crazy motherfuckers. I'm going on break.

ID.

Let's go to the vacation.

I say,

uh, 15, maybe 16 at the most. What? No way, that's crazy.

Don't fuck with me.

What are you wearing, a fur coat, dog?

Oh, no, my father's from the Balkans.

Don't waste your high on that weak shit, bro.

You're cutting shit into ball.

Really? You don't feel any side effects?

Not one, my friend.

I told you that was pure bullshit.

You realize you have tits, right?

Yee. New experience.

girl, Jew black.

Okay, but you're one hairy motherfucker.

Even your hair is growing hair.

Yeah, I need to use the extra sticky flak jacket, okay?

You ready?

It seems like a lot of glue. Is this gonna hurt?

It's not gonna hurt, man. She's a professional. It's not gonna hurt,

Yes, of course it's gonna hurt, you stupid idiot.

You ready? You be a man, okay? Don't be a pussy, okay?

Ready? One, two.

That doesn't hurt that much. Dude, if those are your nipples, I'm going to

out. Of course they his nipple. What you think?

Look, they're all on the wall. I got the collection over there. You see?

Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

I can't get a walk from here.

Hey, man, that's the least we can do considering what Helen Keller did to

ass back there.

Yeah.

I was totally uncalled for, I know.

McAnil -loving.

What the fuck type of name is that?

Iris.

Horn?

How do you expect to get anywhere looking like that?

You know what I mean? We need to take you shopping.

Get you some things, some clothes, some style.

Alcohol? Absolutely.

And how did you get that?

My ID.

No, motherfucker, money.

All right, now, how do you get money?

Uh, work.

Yo, that's crazy talk, son.

Shit is crazy, dawg. Yo, that's what's wrong with the young people, yo ass.

They all want to do homework and be responsible. They all want to grow up.

What ever happened to dropping out of high school, get a bitch pregnant, start

music career? Preach, nigga, preach.

Well,

McAnil Lovin', this is America.

And we about to bring things back to the good old days.

Beat in your ass about to get you some money the old -fashioned way, homeboy.

What?

We gonna steal it.

Hold on, white boy.

Is that a life meter?

Yep, it is green. When it turns red, your ass is dead.

Put this shit on.

We finna go GTA up in this bitch.

Let's go talk.

What'd you just do? Oh, no, he didn't.

What? I got the cash money, dude.

Did you just rob a Mexican? Are you kidding me? What?

Do you know what happens when you try to rob a Mexican in this game? Dog, when

you rob a white guy, you get the money. When you rob a black guy, he'll chase

after your ass the whole damn game.

But if you rob a Mexican, dog, you get the entire Latin community after your

dumb ass. What?

Every SA, Muchacho, Nino, Menudo, Santana, and Rob Thomas, the

from the catering truck, they go all trying to kill us. Put your ass on the

line.

Go, go, go, go, go!

We gonna find your ass a woman today.

Ow, careful, I'm sore.

How do they look?

You look like Hannibal Nipples.

Right this way.

Got him.

Well, you should like swimming and apple picking.

I like a really large man, but he's got to shoot blanks. You know what I'm

saying?

Mommy, I'm thirsty.

Hey, Mommy's trying to get some penis right now. Suck it up.

We'll keep it simple. He'll toss your salad while I give you the reach around.

Okay?

So, yeah, I like sitting in saunas, being in

bathhouses, playing racquetball.

I like camping.

She's not the one.

What? She's a knockout. What are you talking about? Tall, big head, masculine

jaw. Something's not right.

That's not right.

Motherfucker, look at her hands.

What's wrong with her hands?

I'm pretty picky.

You know. It ruins everything.

You ain't tasting Mexican until you taste this shit, white boy. This shit's

bomb, dog.

Ah, there we go.

Why is there an F in the window?

F?

Man, that's a B.

Stupid mother. What's wrong with you? You think I would take you somewhere if

was an F?

All right. We got three ass -pissed burritos.

Yeah. One crab splatter enchilada.

Has anybody been to the zoo lately I went to the zoo and

walked up to the penguin cage, and I was like, I wonder if the other animals are

looking at them going, God, I'm glad I'm me.

Because they, you know, it's like, I wonder what I did in my past life to be

reborn a legless, flightless bird in the middle of the North Pole.

South Pole.

Ladies and gentlemen, I will attempt to make comedy applesauce.

I'm sorry if I hit you.

Thank you very much. You've been a great audience.

Hey,

give it up for Andy, huh?

Hey there.

Hi.

Oh, hi. Oh, my God, you're from the other night crossing the street. Yeah,

would be me. Yeah.

How are you? How's your neck?

It's fine. You have bludgeoned head? Better. Stab wounds? Healing.

Oh, not an angled leg?

Actually, it's better than before.

I can do this now.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I know it's not a good color match. They only had white or black.

I chose white.

Does that make me racist?

No, absolutely not. Thanks. You were really funny up there. Oh, please. You

hilarious. I was laughing on the inside. Thank you very much.

Okay. Well, I just... Good job.

Do you want to go out sometime? Yeah, I'd love to. Tonight?

Tonight.

Yeah, sure.

Great. Absolutely. Maybe we'll have some sex after.

Excuse me?

What?

What did you say?

Did you say something? Oh, I didn't say anything.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. So why don't you send me your email address and then I can

tell you where I live and you can pick me up.

Oh, you know what? Maybe you should just text me your number and then I'll call

you and you can text me your address.

Oh, is there an app for that? If not, why don't I just Twitter you my Facebook

page, and then you can wall -to -wall me your number, and I'll call you and

leave you my address on your voicemail. You know what might be better, actually,

is if I IM you on my Facebook page, then you can leave me my life address there.

I'll blog my cell phone on it there.

You can call me, but I'll give you my T -Mobile rollover minutes, put you in my

Faye Five, and that way we can talk for free, and you can give it to me live

over the phone.

You would put me in your Faye Five?

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

Oh, excuse me one second.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Yes. Yes, I am. Of course.

That's great news.

Yeah.

I will. Thank you.

Okay, bye.

I applied for this job in Hawaii like six months ago, and I just found out

I got it! Oh, my God, that's great!

I'm so excited! That's awesome! But I have to leave tonight.

Tonight? Yeah. Oh, okay.

I'm sorry about dinner and sex.

Oh, that's, you know, listen, work is work, you know? Okay, thank you for

understanding. Yeah, sure, no problem.

Oh, okay. Congratulations.

That's great. Okay, bye.

Okay.

You forgot your, your, um, leg.

How do you not have an address?

This was your freaking contact.

Stop riding me, man. I'm sorry.

That dipshit fucked me up with the whole getting arrested thing.

I'm fine. No worries.

Wait.

What the hell is that?

Sounds like La Cucaracha.

Oh, shit.

Rob Thomas?

Get in the car.

What? Get in the car!

This shit happens all the time, man. Girls just be doing that shit and it's

fucked up.

Oh, yeah, dude.

But that shit doesn't even matter, all right? Because tonight, you can fucking

lay down the hammer, fucker. I don't know what that means and it's not

I just want to meet somebody for once in my life who's just down to earth and

just a normal person.

What they have is special.

Can I call you Noah?

What is wrong with you?

Okay, look, you turned into a real certified bitch.

Are you crying over the notebook?

Got these things right here.

Okay,

you know what? You guys are disgusting.

I'm going to go to Shirley Temple.

Hi.

You're cute.

What's your name?

I'm Andy. Hi.

Well, Andy, every Thursday night my sister and I randomly pick someone from

bar to have sex with, and tonight we choose you.

Congratulations!

You like a menage a trois, Andy? Five or six times a night? How about double

Dutch expressway? You enjoy those?

Jelly donut?

Ukrainian popcorn?

Mouth -fucking.

Would you excuse me just a second, or a moment, if you don't mind.

Think about it.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Why can't I be the center of attention?

He once had sex with a 345 -pound woman just to help her get some exercise.

His traps smell like a 40 -day -aged bone -in ribeye.

He's so secure with his masculinity that he doesn't mind urinal peekers.

He is the most interesting man in the world.

I don't always fuck fat bitches.

But when I do, I prefer to be plastered on.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Can I help you?

Hey, can I help you?

To drink.

What do you want? To drink. Sorry, um... May I have a Shirley Temple, please?

That's my favorite drink.

Mine, too.

This is fate.

I think so.

I'm Sarah.

Oh, sorry, I'm Andy.

Sorry.

That was...

Yeah, I'm out.

So, MTV, the paparazzi show?

Yeah, I've been working there for two years, and I just got my promotion

so. That's so cool.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I know, I'm so excited.

Hi.

Copy me for the boy.

You know, I don't drink. I sipped some wine once, but that was it, so. Oh,

you. That's fine. Now, come on, girl. What, should I go hurt you?

I will if you do.

Okay. Cheers.

Oh, that was horrible.

My bad, girl. That was my genetic sample.

Here, try this one.

I'm not sure if I like that one. Can I try another one?

Um, you know what?

That's a lot of booze to have quickly.

Oh my god, embarrassing.

No way, this is not happening.

Drunk girl, drunk girl.

Drunk girl, it's time.

Do you think that you should be driving?

Oh, I can't help it.

My vagina is mine of its own. Oh.

Oh, my God. Okay, yep.

That's weird.

I like you, Andy.

I like you, too. I like you a lot.

Okay.

Maybe... Oh,

okay. No, that's... Oh,

that could have done it.

I'm going to go down on you now, okay? What? I don't think that's...

Oh my god, that's so warm! Oh my god, I am like...

Meet Michael.

We're glad you're here, Michael.

We need an umpire.

What am I going to be an umpire for?

Oh, Edward, you didn't tell him?

I was getting to that.

Let's just say it's something we can only play during thunderstorms.

Okay.

What is it?

We're all lactose intolerant.

Sorry.

Hey there.

Holy shit.

You scared the hell out of me.

My apologies.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry.

I was being chased by a bunch of Mexicans for no reason. All I'm trying

get some alcohol so I can have pleasurable sex with the hottest chick

Well, I think I can help you out.

Really? Yeah. You see that house over there?

They're practically giving away free booze.

Just ask for Lisa.

Seriously? If I'm lying, I'm dying.

Here.

Take this bag.

You never want to go to a party empty -handed.

Cookies?

And condoms?

You can never have enough of either, right?

Greed. Now go get your alcohol.

Thanks, man.

You're an awesome dude.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I am.

Is anyone home?

Come on in.

I made you a drink.

Just help yourself.

Cool. Thanks.

Sweet.

Hey there.

Oh. Hey, bro.

Dude, aren't you that guy from the show that catches the molesters?

That would be me.

Oh, man, that show's so fucking awesome. You're great on that.

Do you remember the one with the priest or something, and he was, like, trying

to, like, weasel his way out of it, but you ended up nailing him with the e

-mails from the underage girl, and then once he hightailed it out of there and

hit the front yard, bam, he got hit by a Sean Merriman -looking cop? Oh.

I do.

That was so fucking awesome, man. What are you doing here?

Is this your house or something?

Uh, no.

I'm actually taping the show.

Really? Here?

That's awesome.

Can I watch?

It looks like you already are.

Just the stuff you gave me.

Cookies and condoms.

Oh, I didn't give you anything.

So what did you think was going to happen by coming over here tonight?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not a molester. The only reason I'm here is because you told me there'd be

alcohol here.

You should have asked for Lisa.

Really? So you had no intention of having sex with an underage minor?

No. I don't know what you're talking about.

So you don't remember saying this?

I want to... Spread your butt cheeks with real maple syrup and then eat

chocolate chips out of your corn hole.

What? Corn? No.

I'm allergic to chocolate chips for Christ's sake.

I don't even like real maple syrup.

I don't know what's going on.

Look, you can make things a hell of a lot easier if you just tell us the

I am telling you the truth.

I don't know who this girl is.

I'm just trying to get some alcohol so I can have sex with the hot girl at

school. Really?

That's all.

Oh, fuck.

Now, hold on. Wait. I want to talk to you.

Sir?

Your face.

Why are you being so nice to me?

I don't know. I guess because you're letting me.

Okay, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

You've got to drink some of that.

It's not working.

I'll meet you in the bedroom.

Okay.

Just give me a minute.

Pussy!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Oh, jeez.

Oh, oh.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Oh, sorry.

I was just screwing this warm pie right here. I heard it feels like the real

thing. That's cool.

You know, 16 is a real horny age, man. Yes.

So, uh... Whoa.

What are you doing?

Nothing. I'm sorry to interrupt you.

Sarah's in the other room. She's tied to the bed. She wants to have sex with me.

I don't know what to do.

Are you serious?

Yes. My man, this is the big moment.

It's about to go... Will you please keep it down?

I have such a massive headache.

Sorry, brother. It's just, you know, so exciting. Our boy's about to get...

But are you bleeding?

What?

Oh.

There are side effects to this weed.

Damn. Anyone have an extra tampon?

Preferably super wide?

No.

You need to get your ass back in there before she passes out.

But what if I do it wrong?

Do it wrong?

All you're doing is sticking your dick in her coochie. There's no wrong way of

doing it.

You know what? There was one time I stuck my thing in Naomi Turner's cat.

You know, it was dark in there, and we was huddled up in a twin bed, and that

cat just snuck up in between the sheets, man. It just... Ow!

I like to feel... Ow! You know?

We all have the lowest creatures, right?

Yes.

Just get your white ass in there and get the fuck in. Get the fuck in. Get the

fuck in. Let's do some fucking. Just do some fucking!

Do some fucking! Fucking!

I can't do some fucking... I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm 40 and I'm...

I'm never going to be with a woman.

I'm just not.

Not with that stibbling attitude you won't.

Seth, what are you doing?

Shut up!

I'm going out.

Out to get a milkshake.

A milkshake?

Yes. boy.

You see, I have a milkshake.

And you have a milkshake. But I have a straw.

You see? Oh, there it is. Watching, my straw

reaches across the room and into your

milkshake.

I don't understand what you're doing.

Okay. You're doing a metaphor. I don't really.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Damn right.

It's better than yours.

Damn right.

I drink your milkshake.

I drink it up.

I don't even know what that means.

It's so weird.

No one wants a virgin boy,

Andy. Hey, what are you... Don't do that. Calm down. I will not calm down.

do it. I will not calm down.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Just stop it.

Oh, dude, I'm so sorry, man.

I'm so fucking high right now.

Look, look.

You got an ocean of cum under there, all right? The only person that's going to

be able to get to it is you, and you got to use your cock to do that. I get it.

Please don't. Okay?

You can do it. I know. I feel like I can do it. No, you can do it. I feel like I

can do it. I just need to get out there and do it, though. Then go do it

already. My mind is changing, and I can do this, can't I? Yes.

He is beautiful.

You don't notice anything?

Uh, um... Did you... You got new flip -flops?

Uh, not the flip -flop.

Ankle pulling?

Higher. Oh, do you carry a little weight in your knees?

Higher.

Oh, my God.

Aha! Of course, you have an Audi. I never even realized you had an Audi.

Not even when you were banging me last night?

Nope. Okay, so, no, I wasn't... I didn't bang you last night.

Of course you didn't bang me. You just had your dick pounding my liver like

Floyd Mayweather's punching bag, and now I'm pregnant!

Oh, shit.

You're pregnant?

Oh, bingo!

Get the man a fucking prize!

Be careful with that. I don't, um... Yeah, you are. You're very pregnant, and

I'm just wondering how that happened in a day.

Oh, I'm half Mexican.

Really?

Candy, do you know how hard it is to find a guy who can make you feel like

you're getting nailed by five guys?

Hmm.

No, I don't know how hard that would be, but that's not my baby.

Of course.

Typical response from an irresponsible middle -aged guy who lives with a bunch

of sex -crazed teenagers.

Okay, come on. My friends are not sex -crazed teenagers.

Okay, yeah, he's cupping and maybe juggling your breasts a little bit.

Look, do you mind?

Awkward. Thank you.

I thought you were wearing a condom. No, I wasn't wearing a condom because I

didn't have sex with you.

If you don't accept this, child, I am going to go so Flint, Michigan on you

you are going to go into a deep economic depression caused by the demise of the

auto industry, and then some fat guy is going to do a documentary on you.

I don't understand what that means. If that doesn't work, then this baby is

going to suffer!

It's just a baby, so don't...

May cause severe birth defects. Yeah, that's very 1970s. Don't do that,

Don't want your baby?

No, that's... Want to go for underdeveloped lung capacity?

I don't want to go for that. It's illegal.

Also, the police... Okay, I know you're accepting. Please don't do that because

that's how you make a baby homeless and... Oh.

Mommy, mommy, no, mommy.

We're done.

Andy, it's over, jerk -off.

He's just for practice, you know? You can't get almost involved in that shit.

I don't know, Black Eye. I just feel like I need to get out of here, recharge

batteries, go on vacation.

I don't know where to go.

Sarah Marshall was found canoodling with British rock sensation Aldis Bright in

Maui, Hawaii.

The couple seemed very much in love as they frolicked about without a care in

the world. What's warm this time of year?

Maui, which is a favorite hot spot for many celebrities.

Maybe Australia?

Nah, too far.

How about Mexico?

I have frequent flyer miles, but I... I don't know.

Hey, you know what?

How about Maui?

Don't move you sick fuck

We're supposed to go you fucking dickhead

I'm checking in. Oh, Mr. Spitzer, hello.

We have you in one of our econo rooms.

Great. Yeah, that's $50 a night?

$50, of course.

Then there's an 8 % state tax, a 7 % city tax, a 12 % airport tax, a 32 %

stimulus tax, and, of course, the valet fee. Oh, valet. No, I didn't drive,

so... Everyone pays the valet fee. It's standard.

Standard? The grand total on your room will come to $485 per night. Food is

extra, except the mint on your pillow, it turned out.

$485? That's...

Ridiculous. It's a very good mint.

I know.

I'd like to speak to a manager, please.

Manager to the front desk. Manager to the front desk. We have a cheap bitch in

line one. Cheap bitch in line one. If it's not a cheap bitch, it's a broke

motherfucker. Cheap bitch, broke -ass motherfucker in line one.

Okay, can you... High haul. Going on break.

Andy?

Kim. What are you doing here?

I needed a vacation. This is so...

Okay. Thank you.

That's so nice of you. Under one condition.

Okay. You take me on that date we were supposed to go on last week.

Deal.

I'd love to.

Okay. Tonight?

At 8 p .m.? 8 p .m.'s great. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So, thank you so much.

or you're drunk lowlife ass out on the street, you prick.

Sarah?

Oh, my baby daddy.

This is weird.

I came here on vacation, and my friend gave me this room.

This is weird.

It's not weird at all.

You came here to find me.

That's so romantic.

No, I didn't come. No, this is a coincidence, really. This is really just

coincidence.

So you're still not going to claim your love child?

Baby, what is all the noise?

You're not still mad at me, are you?

Right, I thought you said no sex until after the baby. That must be some other

lady you're dating because we are going to do it right now.

Bye, Andy.

Son of a bitch. You might have a girl over there.

Take it.

Take it. Take it like a dirty whore. Oh, yeah. Give me your man stick.

Take it like a friend who hates everything American.

I can't because I can't see the baby moving.

Don't look.

Oh, yes. Give me your big, limey lizard. Oh, you.

You're giving too many.

Say you love me right now. I love you right now. Fuck a lot of bitches. No,

I love you right now. I love you too, Alice. Of course we can name the baby

after you. No, I don't want to name the baby. Oh, shut up. Yes, you do.

Okay, just let me down.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Someone's got a hold on me, Willie.

What? Me, Willie. Someone's got a hold on me, Willie. It feels like baby hands.

Oh, good.

God, Lord, the baby's got a hold on your wanker. Shut up!

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes, my dad!

Yes, yes! What did you fuck, the devil?

Daddy, daddy, pray!

Oh, God, Lord, help me, Jesus Christ! This woman's got a demon in her back!

I love it here.

It reminds me of a restaurant my uncle used to take me to when I was a little

girl. He'd always have a scotch.

I hated the taste of it after he kissed me.

Is that... Is that you?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

You know what? My ex -boyfriend owns this restaurant. He took those with me

night when I was really toasted.

Yeah, ex -boy... Been here three days, you already have an ex -boyfriend. Wow.

Once you start mixing alcohol and Red Bull, it's like you're behind the wheel

a car going 100 miles an hour, but nobody's driving.

Wow,

you're really flexible.

Oh, yeah, it's genetic. I come from a long line of leg spreaders.

Yeah, because you seem to really like being naked.

Are you judging me, Andy? Is that what's going on here?

No. No. Because if you are, I will walk out of here right now. No, no, no. Kim,

I'm not judging you.

Please, I'm not judging you.

You know, I've gotten drunk and done some pretty wild things myself.

Just drop it, Andy, okay? Just put the photos behind us. Yeah, okay. I'm all

that, yeah.

Thank you. Shall we order?

Yeah, I'm starving.

Is that a gorilla?

Yeah, Andy, it's a gorilla.

What does it look like, a giraffe?

I mean, come on. Yeah.

I like you, Andy.

I like you a lot. I like you, too.

You know, the funny thing is, is that usually I like to get really physical

the guys I date.

But with you, it's different.

It's like I need something more.

Yeah. I feel like I'm connecting with you on such a deeper level.

You're like a brother to me.

You've got this...

Asexual vibes. It's so hot.

It's like I could see us married for five years and not even kissing.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I really think we should just go a while without having sex. Like a long,

long while, you know?

Just take things really slow.

Okay. You know what I'm saying, Andy? Because I don't think we should get each

other all hot and bothered. I really think we should just let sex be the

furthest thing from our minds. Okay.

I won't...

tongue your ear or rub my natural perky breath up against your chest or lick

your inner thigh all the way up to your... Up to your... Do

you... I don't really want to say it, but I feel shy about saying the word

Up to your cock.

Is that your cock?

Oh, my God.

You're making a weird face right now.

I am? Yeah. Really? It's funny. You look like a crazy person.

I feel like we're connected or something.

I feel like you might be my soulmate.

Take me from behind.

What the hell is that?

What? Oh, it's my tattoo.

My uncle inked it on me when I was like 12.

It's like a family crest. It's kind of cool, right? I never really got a full

look at it.

Are you Native American?

What? No.

I want you inside me right now.

Don't do it, Andy! Do not throw away everything that we have built together!

Who the hell is this?

Sarah, what are you doing?

Look, I made a mistake, okay? I never should have let you go.

You're the one that I want to be with. I know it, and our baby knows it. That is

not my baby, okay? That is not my baby. I know that this is a lot for you to

process, and that's okay.

You know, Oprah says that all men go through this first phase of denial with

pregnancy, and we can go through it together. Okay, hold on a second. Am I

hearing that this is your baby? That is not my baby. Of course it is. He's my

baby's daddy.

I'm not your baby's daddy. Black Eye is the baby's daddy. Oh, leave it up to the

man to put the blame on the color. I'm not blaming anybody. Black Eye had sex

with you when you were blindfolded.

Okay, Andy, I'll humor you, all right?

There's only one way to find this out for sure.

A little help, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andy claims that his roommate diddled Sarah while she

wasn't looking.

Sarah claims that this baby is going to come out all white and hairy just like

his daddy Andy.

So to end all of this right now, we have an amazing new DNA test that can

determine the father of a child before the baby is born.

Come here, you grisly little bastard. I am so sick and tired.

of you deadbeat motherfuckers making us white guys look bad.

Oh, shit!

If it turns blue, ladies, we got your baby's daddy.

I'm sorry, son. I may have been a little too hard on you right there.

You can take a hound to water, but you can't water a hound.

Sarah, you're a bitch.

Good night, folks.

I'm Dr.

Bill.

He told you, bitch. Now you look stupid.

Stupid? Who you calling stupid, bitch?

You a trick?

A trick?

You the hoe?

I'm the hoe, you the hoe with that hoe mouth.

Should be eating out this peach with that hoe mouth.

Oh, I will eat that peach. I will eat that peach until it turns into a prune,

bitch. You think I'm scared of that? You think I'm scared of you turning my

peach into a prune? Oh, you're not scared of me? No, I ain't scared of you.

You're not scared of me sucking it?

I'm gonna suck you off just like I did my man Andy.

What'd you say, bitch?

You heard me? What'd you say about my man Andy?

Your man?

It's on, bitch.

All right, are you ready?

Are you ready?

Get on!

Let me see what you can do.

Oh, you did not just fuck with my best outfit.

Oh,

did it just get cold in here?

Go big.

You want to go again? You want to go again? Oh.

I'd like to call the Heather Mills, bitch.

You know what, Andy? This is exactly the kind of drama I wanted to get away from

by moving out here.

So who's it going to be? Me or her?

You're both, like, incredibly special people, and... You know what?

It's been real, but it's over.

Ready for summer.

Young white one, follow me to the path of your destiny.

What?

Motherfucker, get your ass out of that lounge chair and follow me, bitch.

Damn.

Hi.

Who are you?

The force is strong with this one.

Virgin, you are.

Are you a virgin? Yes.

140 years for me.

Okay, you're 140 years old. I doubt that. Nobody's 140 years old.

By not spilling your seed upon the sand, many years do you live.

Spooge is the key to life force, it is.

He's saying if you don't jerk it, you'll live longer.

Really?

I may be one myself.

So wait, I've been doing the right thing this whole time?

Yes, have you.

Um, I'm sorry, is that your ball sack?

Observant you are.

Strodom very stretchy.

Yes, yes, very stretchy.

At age 41, your balls will fill up.

The bigger they get, the more force you'll have.

I don't care about the force. I don't want big balls. Behold, the power of the

virgin force.

No, this is not what I... I don't want to be a virgin anymore!

I fear we have lost another one to the dark side.

Scratch the back of my balls. Will you reach them?

I cannot.

It's so hot. Oh, my God. I smile on this one.

No, no, don't use your teeth.

Hey,

hey, hey. Fuck's door. What are you doing with my photos?

She's my girlfriend and these are mine.

And don't call me a snort fuck, whatever it is you call me.

What a fucking hognock. You, back at me, right now. There we go.

It just isn't right that a woman as wonderful as you has her shaved, chunch

plastered all over a four -star restaurant.

And I know that we're not together, but if we were, I wouldn't want to share

your growler with anyone.

Except for maybe the gorilla that kind of turned me on.

It wasn't a gorilla, Andy. It was a guy in a fuzzy suit.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Look, I made a mistake back there by not telling you how I really feel.

I choose you, Kim.

I choose you.

Wicked scenes.

I can't escape or erase from me.

I'm doomed.

I'm going to be this old man with this giant nutsack and nobody to carry it

around.

There's something else.

Oh. Okay.

Look.

I'm a virgin.

Really?

Oh, Andy, that is so refreshing. I haven't been with a virgin since I was

eight. Wait, what?

Since I was like eight.

Oh, okay.

You know what?

I love you. You got hit by a car and you're still... standing up.

You're just undefeatable.

All right, Sarah. We got some kind of action going on over here, okay? I can

the head, but the head can't see me.

Here we go. I'm going to take a look.

Can you hear me now?

No.

What about now?

We got another one. What?

Come on. It's coming.

I'm going to assume this one is yours.

Oh, he's beautiful.

What did you have sex with?

Andy. Congratulations.

Tonight you get to do both of us. But we were just wondering one thing.

Have you ever had a Turkish log jammer?

Double clam slam?

Bolivian skyscraper? Sweaty catfish sampler?

Pink glass shower?

Mouth fucking?

Okay, get the fuck out of here!

I'm going to make it really easy on you.

I'm going to do all the work.

Oh. Okay.

Oh. Wow.

Oh. Oh. That feels... That's good.

You're officially not a virgin anymore.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh, that's really... That feels good.

That feels, like, really good.

Why are you making that face?

Oh, sorry.

It's okay. I'm sorry. It's red.

Just try looking at my eyes. It's okay.

Yeah.

That's... There, there, that hurts. This hurts. A little bit hurts.

Good, though.

In a good way.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Do it harder.

You shouldn't move. Something's going on now. Something's going on.

But in related news, Louisiana is now completely flooded.

A torrential downpour of an unknown salty liquid has filled the area,

the levees once again in the process.

I should know that you can't turn a hoe into a house.

We'll screw you over and make a joke.

That's the fact you just may want to wear this. Cause that's just the fact of

that pumps a lot of children.

You have so many of them that you might just want to kill them.

fried chicken, panitas, and cheesy tikka.

Yes Yes Yes

Yes Yes

Yes Yes

Yes Yes

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. You stupid, lame -brained, relentless, snot -nosed, dick

-faced, cocksucker, cock -knocker, motherfucker!

Yes! Yes!

God, don't you ever give up!

soul.

Who are you such a douche bag?

Frost in your tip.

Shaking your hips.

Dressing drag.

You walk around with your dick out.

Dancing like a fool.

Looking like a tool.

What a bag.

And when you walk around with your pink shirt and your sparky hair.

It makes me want to give you a wedgie by pulling on your underwear.

Douchebag.

Everybody knows you're a douchebag.

Why are you such a douchebag?

Everybody knows you're a douchebag.

wearing beetles while you swim rocking pandex at the gym all the

time while you're shivving off your mustache