Original subtitles

This was a mistake.

Shut up! Pardon?

HORN HONKS

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Whoo!

DUCKS QUACK

You're mad.

Wow.

SHE GIGGLES

HORN PARPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, hello!

Hello, thank you. Welcome, one and all, to Taskmaster.

One of the many TV shows

that my own nieces don't watch

and yet am I expected to display your school photos in my home?

I doubt it!

They've gone in the drawer

with years' worth of your rubbish artwork.

I know you'll never hear this

but it's enough for me to know that I've said it on TV.

Quid pro quo, you monsters! Quid pro quo!

Moving along, please welcome to the show Fatiha El-Ghorri!

CHEERING

Jason Mantzoukas! CHEERING

Mathew Baynton! CHEERING

Rosie Ramsey! CHEERING

And Stevie Martin! CHEERING

And next to me, a man who drives an electric car,

and to quote him, "Not for the good of the planet,

"but because it makes my wife horny."

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: It's little Alex Horne.

CHEERING

What's happening, sweet prince?

I'm... Mm. I'm trying... I'm trying to be brave for you, Greg.

Mm. You know I struggle with accents.

Yeah. I can't do them.

Well, I can do them now, I've had lessons. OK.

So I'd like to demonstrate my new grasp of accents. Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready for the joke that you cooked up six minutes ago.

And we'll start with Beyonce. Ready?

OK.

There's one on the E.

AUDIENCE GROANS

And now I'm gonna do the Quebec accent.

It's on the first E.

I'm now gonna do...the Oslo accent.

MIMES TO RECORDING: Good morning, I am from Oslo in Norway.

Huh?

CHEERING

Let's get on with the prize task.

Right, yes, I'm going to get on, Greg,

and this time you've asked them to bring in

the best object to bestow in your will

to a relative against whom you are seeking revenge.

We've all thought about it, we all want revenge,

and I shall have my revenge.

The object Greg thinks is best to bestow

will be gifted five points

and the winner of the episode

will have to update their will with five new objects.

Back to you, my sweet little Greg Forest gateau.

Mathew, what have you brought me to take revenge on a relative?

I've brought a thousand-piece jigsaw of the Mona Lisa.

Ah. So you get this in your will.

I'd quite like that.

I think quite a lot of nerds would like that, so...

Well, this relative is not a nerd.

Interestingly, you have, in your mind, picked a specific relative.

Did we not all...?

Let's call him Terry.

So, every time Terry comes over, I've got a jigsaw on the go,

and Terry begins to get the impression

that I'm really into jigsaws.

Right. So, when I leave the Mona Lisa in my will,

Terry's gonna think, "I guess I'd better do it in his memory."

And then how disappointed they would be when they find...

Oh! APPLAUSE

This is the piece that Mathew is gonna be buried with.

So genuinely fiendish, Mathew.

Rosie.

I have brought used coffee bean granules

in the shape of a delicious chocolate brownie.

Oh, God, OK.

Here it is.

What I'm gonna do, every time they come round,

I'm gonna be making chocolate brownies. Yeah.

I'm gonna make them the most delicious chocolate brownies

that they've ever had in their life.

And then, when I die, I'm gonna get my coffee granules

and I'm gonna leave it with a note for them, saying, "One last time."

And it'll be disgusting.

And they'll never forget it.

Great. I mean, that would be absolutely horrific.

Jason, what are you planning to do to your most dislikeable relative?

OK, so, I collect a lot of art, right?

Right. But not, like, good art. A lot of weird stuff.

So here's the thing. There are times when I am up late at night,

going on websites to buy random paintings, OK? OK.

I do not remember purchasing this painting

but it arrived at my house. Imagine my surprise.

Here it is.

GASPS AND STUNNED LAUGHTER

Is this not the most haunted thing you've ever seen?

I hate it.

Yes! I don't care for it either.

This task allows me an opportunity to offload this nightmare to...

I'm so sorry for whoever gets it.

Wow, I mean it is...god-awful. Yeah.

Stevie, can you beat

the disembodied, floating heads of children?

I think it is quite route-one, but I wouldn't like this.

So it's like a really interesting-looking old envelope...

OK. ..that makes... Yeah, that makes you be, like,

"Hang on, what's going on here?"

There's the envelope. Yeah, there's the envelope. Interesting.

So when you open it... This is what happens.

Lot of glitter, and it says, "Ha ha, you're a twat!"

Very clever, really - you lowered my expectations so much

that I quite liked, "Ha ha, you're a twat!"

Good, good. Ah!

ALEX: Ah. My old friend.

You all right, baby? What have you brought us?

I mean, I dread to think what revenge you're gonna take.

Oh, God! So I brought pillows.

She brought pillows. Yeah.

And then... But the piece de resistance is the little note.

Could you please show us the note, Alex?

There's a word I didn't understand, but it says this.

So let me give you the context, right?

I've got an auntie who's a bitch.

And basically, for three birthdays on the trot,

the bitch has got me pillows.

Is that the one reason she's a bitch -

because she buys you pillows? Yes!

So she's not been rude to you? No! She's got you some nice pillows.

She cooks the best couscous in the world, but I won't eat it.

The first time you got the pillows, were you happy with that?

Yeah, I was happy... Right.

..cos I mentioned once that I need pillows.

Hang on! She's got you something you like!

Yeah, but not three times!

This is your mistake! You should be saying in-between...

Say more things you like! ..things that you need next year.

STEVIE: Yeah.

"This year I need a kettle." A kettle?

What the hell am I, a 70-year-old woman?

Get ready to receive a painting, lady.

Right, Greg, what is the least good revenge?

I feel sorry for Stevie a little bit. Come on!

Some pillows?!

It's not that bad, is it?

It could be seen as just like a, "Ha ha, you twat! Love you."

It's the glitter element, you've forgotten that element.

Oh, God, yeah, so sorry, five points!

So it's one point to Stevie.

When I think about this beautiful head

popping down for the night,

he doesn't wanna pop his head onto some coffee grounds,

he wants to pop them onto some pillows.

So two points for the lovely pillows.

Two points to you, Fatiha. And big respect to your auntie.

She's gonna be your auntie soon, so stop fighting it.

Three points for the coffee grounds, for Rosie.

OK. Three to Rosie, thank you.

And now we're up with the really sinister things.

He won't like this, and it's one of the reasons I'm gonna do it,

I'm gonna give you both five points. Yes!

OK, five points to Mathew, five to Jason.

Next task. Too right, and, yes, please, Mummy,

it's time to camp it up a bit.

Wow.

Hello. Hi, Stevie.

Wow! You like it?

I love it. It's like a spa, isn't it?

Is it? Little bit, posh one.

I like this. You like grottos?

Yeah. Innit great what people did before the internet?

"Be the least annoying person round the campfire."

"ROUND the campfire!"

Should've had a little apostrophe before the R.

Don't worry about it, I got it. OK.

"Be the least annoying person 'ROUND the campfire."

"You must either sing a folk song..."

"..tell a ghost story..."

"..or recite a beat poem."

"And not be annoying.

"Your song, story or poem must either be about fast cars..."

JASON: "..barbecues..." MATHEW: "..or DIY.

"And it can contain no more than 100 words.

"You must perform your song, story or poem

"in ten minutes from now."

If I do a folk song do I get an instrument?

ALEX: Yeah, I've got all the instruments.

All of them?

You got a little egg?

No?

TAMBOURINE RATTLES DISCORDANT KEYS PLAY

MIDI TRACK PLAYS

What's a beat poem?

Is that the shit they do in America?

Well, we can ask Jason, can't we? Who's Jason?

He's the American on the show.

Oh! SHE LAUGHS

Don't put that in! I think we will.

MIDI TRACK PLAYS

I'm meant to be the LEAST annoying! Yeah, you are supposed to be, yeah.

You brought this. HUGE mistake!

Um... BIRD CLUCKS

Did you hear that?

Yeah. That's a problem. BIRD CLUCKS

The ghost of a moorhen.

SHE MIMICS BIRD

You've got nine minutes left, Stevie.

Shall I improv it?

But it's gotta be no more than 100 words.

Oh, shit.

When are you gonna write the...?

I figured I'd freestyle it. Oh, fine.

How much have you written so far, Stevie?

APPLAUSE

I mean, given that the task centres around not being annoying,

you calling back to a moorhen...

Yeah, that... Right, that wasn't, that wasn't part of the thing!

And as for you, you were annoying so many times.

I had to get it out.

I mean, you corrected the grammar on the task.

Yeah!

It doesn't look good, Jason, but let's see.

Am I going first?

Yes, it is first, a man whose co-stars on IMDb will soon read,

Keanu Reeves, Mark Wahlberg, Robert de Niro

and little Alex Horne, it's Jason Mantzoukas.

DISCORDANT MIDI TRACK PLAYS

This...is a folk song...

..for you.

# Alex, we've rode the rails together

# Up and down

# East and west

# North and south, we did it all

# From sea to sea, marsh to bog

# We made sweet love on a dead mossy log

# You're my best friend

# And I love you

# With all of my heart

# Alex

# Will you marry me? #

I don't think so.

What?! I don't think so.

Barbecue, fast cars or DIY.

Fast train cars. Oh... I said we hopped trains.

Oh, yeah, fast train cars.

Pretty sure train cars go probably faster than automobiles.

Do you need it spelled out for you? It's goddamn poetry!

Thank you so much, Jason. Thank you, Alex.

But you have broken my heart.

APPLAUSE

I found the following things annoying.

Your smile.

Your confidence, your tone of voice.

The soundtrack you chose.

The rhyming scheme, the mawkish insincerity,

the proposal, and the smug explanation of your art.

And I added a footnote.

It wasn't even about fast cars,

it was about fucking and marrying my friend.

Five points.

So...so far, so bad.

Next up it's R... Rrrr... R-R-R-R... I wish I could roll my Rs,

it's Rrrosie Rrrramsey.

You ready?

I can't wait.

TAMBOURINE BEATS STEADILY

# Why do I keep dreaming

# Of being alone with you?

# Having a barbecue for our tea

# Sausage burgers, halloumi

# Will be on the menu

# Then we'll wash it all down with a pinot grige

# It's the best way to eat

# Outside on a little seat

# Barbecuing is in my blood

# My dad is a barbecue stud

# In my town

# So why don't you join me?

# Grab yourself a skewer

# And slide on some of those veggies. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah.

Pretty impressive.

Because I've got a long history of being irritated

when people show us they can sing.

But I didn't find that irritating,

I thought it was genuinely... And, as you could tell from

the studio reaction as well, all of us enjoyed it.

Thank you. By stark contrast to Jason's.

That's the first part over, time for a little interval.

But there's more camping coming up soon.

Maybe sooner than you think.

Oh, shut up! You shut up!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part two and the cast are trying their best

not to be annoying.

Perhaps their hardest challenge yet.

Quick reminder, then. Their song, story or poem

must be no more than 100 words,

and once again, it has to be no more than 100 words.

Here's Fatiha. And Stevie.

This is a true story.

Once I was in Morocco,

and it was Eid, right?

And it was the second Eid, which is the Eid of Sacrifice,

so you have to slaughter an animal.

So we slaughtered a goat, and a goat is my favourite meat.

Have you, do you eat meat? Yes, I eat meat.

Goat is the best meat. OK.

Don't you think? Yes.

This is not part of the poem. It's not a poem. It's a story.

A story, it's not a part... Am I taking out the goat stuff?

No, no, not the goat, just when I asked you if you eat meat.

Right. OK.

And then, this is for real, yeah, this is what happened...

..guests at somebody's house...

..said it was really nice...

..cos it's my favourite meat.

Up to about 90 words now.

OK, I'm gonna carry on. OK. Cos I gotta finish the story.

Yeah, yeah. People wanna hear it. Yeah.

OK. And then they brought out another tagine,

cos that's what they do in Morocco...

..I said, "No, I'm full." She goes, "No, you'll really like it,"

and then she goes, "This is the best meat,"

and she went like this,

and the goat that they'd slaughtered had a baby inside.

And that was the baby.

She went like this. Like a flag.

She said, "Do you wanna eat it?" And I said, "No, thank you."

Do you...? Would you not find that scary?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Innit? So that's it. Yeah, that's it.

I think I once saw a ghost at a barbecue. But I don't know, really.

You saw a ghost at a barbecue?

Yeah, or maybe I didn't. Do you want a sausage?

Yeah, I'd love a sausage. OK, cool.

# Yeah, gonna get a sausage. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God. I see your technique.

Thank you. Clever. Thank you.

A ghost story that was neither here nor there.

It's not annoying. Thrown away. Yeah.

Sometimes people fall at the last hurdle, don't they?

What?! And that sausage song just got to me.

# Yeah, I'm gonna get a sausage. #

Yeah, that... My annoyance went...

I went from nought to 100 miles an hour.

OK. It was good apart from, "Oh, yeah, gonna get a sausage."

Thank you. I can't stop singing that!

That's a good song, then.

# I'm gonna get a sausage. #

You love it. Sounds like you love it.

Now you, you monster!

I mean, it's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

Did you mistake "ghost story" for "goat story"?

That's the only explanation.

Cos there were no ghosts in there, were there?

No, but that was the only scary thing I could think of.

It's just awful.

Was it annoying though, Greg?

Oh, Christ, yes!

Just checking, just checking.

There's only one thing that can make me feel better

and make me forget that, and it's,

# Oh, gonna get a sausage. #

Anything to make me forget her.

You'll never forget me.

OK, what's next?

Well, finally his walls have got paint on,

his name is Mat Baynton, here we go.

GENTLE GUITAR MELODY

# All these books and I need a shelf

# But the handyman is busy

# Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books

# All these books and I need a shelf

# But the handyman's in hospital

# Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books

# We've all been there with no-one to rely on

# We've all been there We don't know what to do

# Who can I get to put up my shelf?

# Guess I'd better do it myself... #

Everybody!

# Who can I get Who...can...I get...

# To put up my shelf? To...put up my shelf?

# Guess I'd better do it Guess I'll have to...do it...

# Myself. Myself. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think I know all the moments you're gonna say.

There was only one

where the irritato-meter started to go, just only on one,

and it was just your shrug.

That was the only time. You're kidding.

About halfway through. Even when I said, "Everybody!"

All right, I did write "Everybody" down.

Thank you!

I need to mention the "Everybody" again, Greg,

cos Mat has been hoisted by the small print before,

and the reprise prompted... Did that tip it?

..by "Everybody" meant something happened.

I'm gonna show you the reprise again.

Everybody!

# Who can I get Who...can I get

# To put up my shelf? To...put up my shelf?

# Guess I'd better do it Guess I'll have to...do it

# Myself. # BUZZER

AUDIENCE GROANS

I promise, it's exactly 101 words.

"Everybody!" "Everybody!"

It makes it less annoying.

I mean, can you imagine writing something that enchanting

and losing to Jason?

So what are we gonna do?

We can only allow people to get points who stuck to the word count.

# Sausage. #

You do need to give points out to the other three though.

Oh, Christ, well, this shouldn't be too hard.

Ah, that means I have to give him three points!

People won't take me seriously as a judge if I give you three points.

They don't anyway!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

For the sake of my credibility, one point.

Goddammit!

Goddamn you, for that shit.

This is appalling treatment of a foreigner on your home...

As is the British way.

APPLAUSE

Where are we going with the points from here?

She wasn't annoying until the sausage bit at the end.

And I've sort of grown to like the sausage song as well.

Three points. Well, if she's second...

Four! ..traditionally it's four in second.

All right, I'm changing the system. I'm giving Jason two points.

Two points to Jason. Cos at least he stuck to the rules,

even though I'm so annoyed with him.

Um, four points to Stevie. Thank you.

And obviously five points to Rosie.

Well done, Rosie Ramsey! Five points.

CHEERING

Let's have the scoreboard, please.

Sure. Well, Fatiha is on pretty much minimum points - 2.

Rosie, last week's winner, is in the lead with 8 points.

Lovely. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One more for your Taskmaster.

OK, and here is an arty parked car task. Hmm.

HORN HONKS

HORN HONKS REPEATEDLY

Ooh. Look what you've won. Oh, I've won this?

I don't want it.

Please get into the vehicle. OK.

I haven't passed my driving...er, lessons. Test.

Oh, I can see, it's...there's a twist.

I don't know how to drive. OK.

But I've got road rage. Doesn't surprise me.

OK. Right. "Draw the monster."

"You must not turn around or leave the car."

"If you fail to honk your horn when you see a lollipop lady,

"you must surrender your picture for 30 seconds."

HORN HONKS

Where's the horn?

And that'll be obvious, what a lollipop lady is?

That's not a, that's... I've not...

I'm not familiar with the phrase "lollipop lady". What?

"Most accurate monster picture wins."

"You have five minutes."

"Your time...starts...

"..now."

I can't see the monster.

You said I'm not allowed to turn around.

Yeah. Oh, but I can use something else.

Not just a pretty face, innit?

APPLAUSE

I was really worried about Stevie's opening statement,

"I haven't passed my driving lessons."

I still haven't. "Where's the horn?"

I don't... Yeah.

Non-drivers are a bit weird, right?

I don't really respect myself,

and I've had a real psychological issue

with not passing my test, so thanks for this.

Oh. So you have tried?

Oh, I've done about 150 hours

and, the last lesson I had, I went through a stop sign

and went around the roundabout the wrong way, and he said...

He said, "You cannot do this, why aren't you focusing?"

And I was focusing so hard.

And then I started crying, and then he took me to McDonalds.

I'm intrigued, Jason. Yeah.

What did you think a lollipop lady was?

I genuinely had no idea.

I assumed a woman selling lollipops.

Which I would absolutely believe

is one of the bullshit things that would occur in this country.

Let's go. OK.

So here are all five drawing a monster,

in what I've called a MONST-age.

So, is the...? Can you tell me about the monster?

Can you tell me anything about it? I've never seen the monster.

That's not a lollipop... OK.

Oh.

Oh, a bird isn't a monster.

Um...

There's more than one!

One thing, is that a monster?

FATIHA: Hold on. How's your picture?

Those are not monsters.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, my guess is this is a lollipop lady.

HORN HONKS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Hello. HORN HONKS

Ah, that's the monster, that's the monster, that's the monster.

OK, that is unequivocally a monster.

What does the monster look like?

Listen, shut your hole, yeah?

Oh, shit, why is this person coming?

Er, are you aware you're parked in a no parking zone?

Um, I had no idea.

Right, well, can I see your driving licence, please?

I'd rather not, thank you.

I don't have one.

Oh, here's...here's my wallet.

Brilliant. That's me.

Is this a recent photograph?

Just about a year ago.

That's helpful, actually.

I am still gonna have to issue you a parking ticket.

Why, bruv? Why, why?

"You must turn on your hazard lights within the next 20 seconds..."

"Or pay a fine of eight pens." OK.

Oh, I know, it's this one.

Hazard lights. Well, we've passed the 20 seconds.

What are you talking about?!

It's eight pens, please.

OK, yeah, just let me...

Oh, hello, mate, I'd love a lift. Come on in. Yeah?

Yeah. Get in, buddy.

Can I get a lift? No, bruv, get out.

Two more pens please. Er, he's gone.

WHISTLE BLOWS

There's a lollipop monster.

That is a monster who has ate a lollipop lady.

OK, OK.

Ah!

Oh, they're getting in!

Why are they getting in? Oh, God! Why are they getting in?

Hello, everyone.

My God.

Jesus Christ.

Hi, guys.

WHISTLE BLOWS HORN HONKS

No!

Did you turn them on? Nope.

CHEERING

Fairly enchanting reaction from Jason

when he realised he'd seen his first lollipop lady

and started excitedly beeping the horn.

I was delighted that I could figure it out!

Rosie, you didn't see the monster on the driving licence.

I have woke up in cold sweats over this task.

Oh, wow. We were the monsters, weren't we?

Were we meant to just draw ourselves?

Wow!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Fuck!

That's what you've been waking up in a cold sweat about?!

I mean, of course not.

Oh, right, OK. There was a monster there! OK, good!

No, what you should've been... Because it was on the licence.

Yes, you were the only person who saw the picture of the thing you...

So you could've just painted... You had... Right. Yes.

Thank... Oh! What did you think I meant?

But on a deeper level, yes. Yes!

There's no twist.

The monster was walking round the car!

This is also Taskmaster -

they don't do M Night Shyamalan style twists.

Yet. We've been dead the whole time?!

I died in the lab on the first task?!

We've all given stuff away in our wills. Yes!

The clues were there from the very start!

Show me some pictures, young man.

OK, well, I'll show you four of them.

I won't show you Rosie's yet.

This is, er...the first four and the monster -

you can see how well they've done.

Fatiha's monster hasn't got a head.

Presumably that was consumed at a family meal.

Only one more monster to see.

So this is Rosie's picture of the monster.

Sorry, did you misread the task?

Was it, draw the monster

as if the monster had fallen off a building?

I just didn't think that was the monster.

And then, two weeks later, I thought I was the monster.

Yeah, yeah, we know what you thought.

So this is comforting to me.

He's quite a sassy monster, I'll give you that. Yeah.

He's quite showbiz, isn't he? He's a bit, "Rrrarr!" Yeah!

So it is meant to be most accurate picture of the monster.

So here's all five, and you can judge them.

Are we saying that Rosie's is the least accurate?

Seems fair!

So one point to Rosie.

FATIHA: Stevie's one looks like it's got five coats on.

STEVIE: I would have to agree with that, yeah.

One and two points.

Yes, so it's one point to Rosie, two to Stevie.

OK, well my instinct is that,

and feel free to disagree with the logic...

Mm-hm. ..Fatiha's monster hasn't got a head.

I would probably put her in third place.

No, no, very good.

Listen, you're getting a bit aggressive, OK?

You started as a thoughtful, attentive man

and now you're becoming an arsehole.

Yeah, well, isn't that the dreary safari all relationships go on?

So three points to Fatiha.

So it's between Jason and Mathew's.

Jason's has a higher number of arms

but he did get the pink wings, he got the pink and purple hair.

But did he get the personality?

I think Jason's just pipped it. There we are.

So it's four points to Mathew, five to Jason.

APPLAUSE

OK, I'm afraid it's time for some adverts again.

Alex's plastic slip-on shoes won't pay for themselves.

CHEERING

CHEERING

Hello! Welcome back, everybody.

Next, please.

Yes, it's now time for

The Hat In The Lab by Dr Seuss.

Here we go.

DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS

Oh, hello.

Mushrooms.

Mathew.

What are you doing?

Cooking mushrooms.

All right, let's do this.

Why have you got that on your head?

You look like something out of Mario Brothers. What's going on?

Mushroom hat? Yes, yes.

I like mushrooms. I like mushrooms a lot.

Yeah, but the only problem is

there's never MUSH-room for anything else.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

SHE SIGHS

That is the longest spoon I've ever seen!

Yeah, I don't know where to hold it.

Er, right at the end, like this. OK.

And then just do this. There we go.

"Shorten these pencils

"and place your shortened pencils in the pencil case."

"You have five minutes."

"Your time started when you mentioned the hat."

Oh! Oh, well. God, and got me chatting on. Shite!

You're such a prick, bruv, I see you. All right, OK.

ALEX: Yeah, you've only got three minutes.

I don't know if I mentioned the hat.

Oh, I've done it now, haven't I? You've got five minutes.

You've got four minutes.

Your time started when you mentioned the goddamn hat.

Yeah, you've got two minutes, Jason. Son of a bitch!

Oi, that shit stinks. What's going on? The mushrooms?

Right, we have provided pencil sharpeners.

Yeah, but that's quicker.

Don't look. Ow!

Look at that. Come on!

Oh, you know what I've just thought?

You don't have to make them really short.

That's the best method, isn't it? Cos that is technically shorter.

They're shorter. They are shorter, yeah.

Bet no-one else is gonna eat the pencil. Ow!

So these are shorter, therefore I have done the task.

Yeah. And I've won.

Do you want me to stop the clock? Yeah.

Bye. Oh, not yet, no. Oh, thought I'd say bye.

There's that one as well.

Oh, shit!

I really don't like you no more.

HE SIGHS

"Write down every word you said in this room before opening this task."

"Also you must write the same number of words in each colour,

"otherwise your total will be halved."

"Most accurate legible words wins."

"You must not leave the lab."

"Your time started when you started reading this task." Oh, my God!

Do you remember what you said to me?

No fucking idea. Right.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, in many ways you've been

one of the most affable group of people we've had on the show,

but the naked aggression that's been shown towards Alex,

I so approve of it.

He got called a prick early doors during that.

Sorry. A son of a bitch. It's just wonderful stuff.

Was this the first one we filmed?

Yeah. First one.

Ah. Which means that, as soon as he walked in,

the first time he saw me, he threw a bottle at me.

Rosie. Yeah. On reflection,

would you still go with the mushroom gag or...?

Never, never. I was nervous. Just came out.

Your face said it all afterwards, like, "Eurgh!" Yeah!

On reflection, Stevie, would you...

STEVIE LAUGHS Sorry.

..would you have bitten the ends off the pencils?

I thought we had to make them as short as humanly possible.

Which, of course, you didn't.

You were just asked to shorten them.

Yes, yes, I misread it.

You actually said at one point, didn't you,

"I bet no-one's gonna bite the pencils"? Yeah.

Sort of quite proudly. Yeah, well, I thought...

And the whole world went, "No!"

"Why are you doing that?"

Yeah. Now, commendably, these four knew that wasn't the task, really.

It didn't say shortest or fastest.

You were quite cleverly not doing what you did.

Yeah, it's not been a great episode for me. OK!

OK, first up it's Rose Matafeo.

Sorry, it's Rosie, Mat and Fatiha. Here we go.

"Write down every word you said in this room

"before opening the task."

I said mush... I said the joke.

The first thing I was said mushrooms.

And after that... it's gonna go downhill.

What did I call you? A prick? OK.

Mushrooms, stinky mushrooms...

KLAXON

Cooking mushrooms, I think I said. KLAXON

And then I think I said the joke wrong.

Did I say, "You look nice," something like that?

KLAXON I hope so.

It doesn't say you have to write with alternate hands.

Oh, God!

Oh, shit, you have to write them in a different colour.

I definitely said more than this. Quite a lot.

Hmm.

Is "Ha-ha" a word? It's not, is it? Is it a word?

Is it just a saying?

I'm gonna take out the hahas, but then I need to write something else.

OK, you've got 20 seconds. Oh, my God.

Finished? That's all I've got bro, innit?

What do you want, an essay?

WHISTLE BLOWS

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

That second part of the task really shines a light

on the old mushroom gag, don't it?

Oh, God! I said it completely wrong.

I don't think I even know the joke properly.

You started adding to it.

Like a true professional.

Fatiha, I think you just wrote prick and mushrooms

up on that whiteboard, did you?

No, I didn't. I wrote loads of other stuff.

And I was the only one that did it correct,

cos you were supposed to write in the red and the blue,

and I actually did that.

Well, the others did also... did also do that.

Shut up! OK. You are one of only two

who did the same numbers in red as in blue, so, yes.

Three of these people will have their numbers halved.

Mathew. Yeah?

You remembered mushroom.

I remembered that I'd walked into the room and said, "Mushroom."

Mushroom, right.

And then you had to guess from that point onwards

and you guessed that the second thing

you would say to Alex was, "You look nice."

So what did Mathew get?

So he only wrote 14 correct words, and we have to halve that,

cos he didn't do the same in red and blue, so seven is your total.

Rosie.

She wrote down 29 that she had said before

and she did use the correct ones in red and blue, so pretty good.

And Fatiha, 22 correctly.

So we've got... So far, we've got 29, 22 and 7.

I mean, it did include,

"If my hijab smells you will get punched," but that...

One part to go.

Will someone win,

and wrestle the final piece of Mat's jigsaw out of his pocket?

Yes, I know, it's hard to care. We'll see you in a minute.

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, hello, welcome back to Taskmaster and the final part of the show.

The five are in the lab,

where first of all they had to sharpen their pencils.

Oh, yes, and then they received part two,

where they had to write down every word they said

before they'd opened the task.

Ideally the same number of words in each colour,

most accurate legible words wins.

And also, I was on mushrooms.

Last up, it's Steve and Jase.

I have fucked it.

It didn't say shortest pencil wins.

No, and you did say you can use them still.

I can. Every word I said in this room. OK.

I'm just gonna guess. I probably said the word "the", didn't I?

OK, I think I said, "Let's do this."

Probably.

WHISPERING: Oh, shit. Hmm.

I've lost the pencil.

LAUGHING: I've lost the pencil!

Oh. I think I'm just doing that with my nail varnish.

Oh, I mean, it doesn't say pencils, it just says two different colours.

I've lost the first one. I'm gonna use my nail varnish.

Sh... Aaargh!

So then I said...

"Write down every word

"you said in this room

"before..." BUZZER

Oh, goddammit!

Yeah, you said those after.

Said those after, Alex.

So I'm fucked. I'm well fucked here.

Well, you can cross things out, I suppose. I can?

Yeah, you can't leave the room, so you can't get an eraser.

Oh, you're gonna use the sandpaper.

I'm assuming this is what the sandpaper is for.

Well, it looks like it.

Mushroom. I said, "butter."

Come on.

Pencil ca... Shit!

How long have I got? 30 seconds.

OK, I'm running out of nail varnish.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten, eleven.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Er, no. 15 seconds.

Er, I said, er...spoon! "That's a long spoon, isn't it?"

Fuck!

It looks like "spoggan." Is that...? WHISTLE BLOWS

Ow!

That hurt quite a lot.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Got it.

I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I crushed it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've an incredible destructive streak.

From the first task.

You're both incredibly destructive.

Both ended in absolute carnage

but there's a distinction, this felt wilful.

And what I wrote down for you, Stevie, was,

"Does Stevie need to speak to our after-show support team?"

Did either of them get any words?

Jason did do very well. He did?!

He wrote 34 of the words that he said before

and that was before he started this clever technique,

which wasn't quite right, but he did really well.

Unfortunately he didn't do the same in each colour,

so we have to halve it to 17 words.

Stevie, obviously we feel sad for you,

you also didn't the same in each colour,

so your 19 words gets halved.

I counted as well!

Yeah, you counted wrong.

Jesus!

So in this task, Mat gets one point, Stevie, you do get two, Jason three,

four to Fatiha, but five to Rosie Ramsey.

CHEERING

Let's see the scores once more.

Yes, well, Stevie and Fatiha in joint fourth, on nine.

And, incredibly, Jason's in the lead with 15 points.

What?! CHEERING

Wow!

OK, it's time to head to the stage for the final task of the show!

CHEERING

What's cooking, baby boy?

Stevie Martin's gonna read out the task.

Stevie Martin, over to you.

"Pop a balloon when you hear its colour.

"Last to pop is eliminated.

"If you pop early, you're eliminated.

"Last player standing wins."

Greg's gonna read a story out.

In the story, there will be colours.

When you hear a colour, you've gotta pop it.

The last person to pop is out, or if you pop early, you're out.

It might be a homophone of the colour.

He might say the Isle of Wight,

which is not spelt the same as the colour, but that would count.

And how would you know that?

LAUGHTER

That... Sorry, that would count?

That would count. If anyone's worried about

the banging of the balloons, we do have this,

but it will interfere with the story, I suppose.

Can I have them? Yeah, fair enough.

So just get ready and pop your biodegradable balloons. We're ready.

It was the morning of the 46th birthday party of little Alex Horne.

No-one was excited but it was a beautiful day.

The sky was clear, the sun was bright,

and the grass was looking even more neatly mowed than usual.

As is tradition, the party was held

at his local Chesham bowling green.

BALLOONS POP Damn it.To start the party...

Am I out?

Well, a couple of you might be out.

Jason's burst two balloons.

I was going for green and hit yellow by accident.

Did he even say green?

I'm out? Yes, you're out.

Jason doesn't appear to have many balloons left.

BALLOON POPS

I'm gonna have to pop these balloons now, OK?

Can I turn around? Let me turn around.

Yeah, you turn around. OK, go on, then.

BALLOONS POP

FATIHA SIGHS

We have two people in last place.

You ready? Yeah. Yeah.

To start the party Alex read all of his birthday cards.

BALLOON POPS

APPLAUSE

BALLOON POPS LAUGHTER

Aaah!

It is my birthday, OK?

Is that what you do when balloons...?

I just got a bit horny.

Incredibly, we're already at the final, Greg.

Are you ready? STEVIE: Yeah.

One of his birthday cards was from the mayor

and had all of his favourite fruits on.

Apples, a bunch of bananas,

and his favourite of the citrus family,

a lovely round grapefruit.

Alex heard his phone ring.

"Yeah?" he answered.

It was his uncle, calling to ask

if Alex had opened his small, inexpensive gift.

The signal wasn't great,

so Alex had to yell, "Oh, yes, I did, thank you."

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

But that's not a word!

That's not a homophone, that's two separate words

and I did it second, so I win.

Sorry, I need this.

Are the support staff nearby?

So the task was, pop the balloon when you hear its colour.

And I guess you did say yellow.

I clearly said yellow.

AUDIENCE GROANS

BALLOONS POP Oh, I've accidentally...

Oh, Mat, don't!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a sacrifice!

I mean, ironically the most irritating thing he's done so far.

Everybody!

Whether it was a sickening, kind act of altruism or not,

he popped his balloon,

and so I guess that kindness should be rewarded

and Stevie should get the point.

There we go, Stevie gets five points!

CHEERING

Come down here and we'll add those to your final scores.

A lot happened in that task.

Fatiha did a listening task wearing ear defenders,

and still did just as bad as Jason.

They came joint fourth and get two points each.

Yes!

Then, of course, Rosie was in third, gets three points.

Mathew's demanded to come in second, he gets four.

So Stevie gets the five points. Well done, Stevie.

CHEERING

I don't like it.

I know, well, I don't like it either

cos it means the final league table looks like this.

We have joint winners now.

Oh, God!

Rosie and Jason.

So we both get all the prizes?

No, what we've got, Jason, is a hole-punch tie-break.

They had to make as many holes in a sheet of paper as possible

but could only use the hole-punch once.

Most holes wins. Let's see what happened.

I dunno what I'm doing.

How am I doing on time? Still got 30 seconds.

Ten seconds. Ah!

ROSIE: 34.

34 holes. WHISTLE BLOWS

44.44 holes. APPLAUSE

44 plays 34, Jason wins the tie-break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jason Mantzoukas wins.

In your face! USA! USA! USA!

Please go and get thrills

from the things you've bestowed in some wills!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So what have we learnt today?

Well, I guess we've learnt

that people always try their best to be nice,

to be considerate to others.

But sometimes, when we put humans under extreme pressure

they reveal things that they don't want anyone

to know about themselves.

HE GASPS

WHISPERING: Maybe we're the monsters!

Half done, half to go,

but for now it's all about Jason Mantzoukas!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media