Original subtitles

[gentle ambient music]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[curious bouncy music]

[snare drumming]

[curious bouncy music]

[knife thuds]

[children chattering]

Oh my god.

- [water ballon splats] - What was that?

[water balloons splatting]

[upbeat playful music]

[kids yelling]

[upbeat playful music]

[Timmy thuds]

[Timmy sighs]

[Timmy breathing heavily]

[Timmy groaning]

[tense music]

[man grunts]

[deep suspenseful music]

[birds chirping]

[deep suspenseful music]

[playful piano music]

Suicide is precarious.

[playful piano music]

There are a lotta different schools of thought

on killing yourself.

Beyond just pro and con, I mean.

And believe me,

there is a totally pro-suicide contingent out there.

They just aren't as vocal as the other guys.

Because well, for the most part, they're dead.

[price scanner beeps]

Think this stuff would kill you if you drank it?

Says it's toxic.

But is this, feel a little woozy,

I don't go to work the next day toxic?

Or is this, Lord hide the eyes of your children,

it's melting my face off toxic?

[playful piano music] [birds chirping]

For clean, pills are your best bet.

They're simple, elegant, merciful.

Just close your eyes and wake up in the arms

of whatever God you believe in.

Unless you wake up three months later to discover

that you've just slipped into a coma and some orderly

has been charging truckers 20 bucks a pop

to have sex on you.

[skin slapping]

[shady guy grunting]

[Garrett yells]

[shady guy grunting]

But, who says taking yourself out all neat-like is a virtue?

Why not go out in a violent, mangley way people remember?

[slow tense music]

[dominoes clicking]

[machine whirring]

[symbols clanking]

[whimsical music]

[bell dings]

[whimsical music]

[chainsaw buzzing]

[Garrett yells]

[toaster dings]

[Garrett vocalizing]

[cellphone buzzes]

Tofu, extra firm tofu.

Oh my god, veg, Vegenaise?

What in the hell?

I have a coupon for a meat lovers and cheesy breadsticks.

Don't rule this a suicide.

The coroner's report should read, "Cause of death,

a broken heart and a fucking rabbit."

[light uplifting music]

What do you think?

What is it?

It's a rabbit.

Is it abstract?

No, it's a rabbit.

Okay, his name is Othor the Terrible.

He's traveled through, through hell and back

to reclaim his lady rabbit.

And now he's coming home victorious,

but having paid a heavy price.

So it's a metaphorical rabbit?

No. It's a rabbit who's had some hard times, man.

I don't trust rabbits.

Hey, sweet rabbit, baby.

Thanks, babe.

[chair creaking]

"There are a lotta different schools of thought

on suicide.

There are a lotta ways to die.

Lately, I've considered most of them.

The one I can't live with though,

the death I can't abide is the one that takes 60 years or so

spending small days in a small home,

in a small suburb, with anyone but you.

I hope you miss me every day.

And I hope you know this is all your fault.

Love always, Mia."

I'm gonna need you to sign this.

[Mia breathing heavily]

[Mia grunting]

[Mia yells]

[Mia yelling]

[doorbell rings]

[upbeat rhythmic guitar music]

Hey, uh, large meat lovers and cheesy mozzarella sticks

for one Steven Sanders.

Just slide it through the crack.

What? That's ridiculous.

That is also what she said. [chuckles]

It's fine, just you hand me the pie,

I'll hand you the cash.

It won't fit, man.

Didn't you ever play Tetris as a kid?

Not with pizza, no.

Your toppings are gonna be a mess now, dude.

Something wrong with your face?

[Garrett] No. Why?

Do you have elephantiasis?

No.

Ah, just wondering.

You know, my girlfriend's got this thing

that when she gets nervous, she sweats a lot.

Like a lot, like I am genuinely concerned

about her hydration sometimes.

A sweaty little girl.

I mean, it's not like,

it isn't anything like an eight-pound testicle or anything,

but she's got a couple a extra t-shirts in her car.

She's got this thing of antiperspirant

basically comes out of a holster, you know?

Yeah, one time I, I delivered a pie to a lady,

had a nipple right on her eyeball.

True story, nipple right there in the corner of her eyeball.

But it's all rock and roll to me, man.

I mean, 'cause we're just, we're just living,

you know, just living.

There you go.

Listen, it's just been a long day

and I don't really feel like seeing anybody right now.

I mean, you've been crying?

Oh man, did your dad die?

What? Of course not? No.

Why, why would you say that?

It's basically the only acceptable reason

for a grown-ass man to cry, you know.

What if it was a girl?

Ah. Feelings and shit, I get it.

Well, enjoy your pie, sir.

How 'bout if I tip you to listen?

So what's the young lady's name?

Mia. I mean, Elaine, Elaine, Elaine.

Huh. I dated an Elaine once.

Yeah. Girl had immaculate sentence structure.

It was really something.

Course she ended up being an arsonist,

which was unfortunate.

So what would you say to her if you wanted to say goodbye?

I'd say, while I'm at the store,

please do not set my cat on fire, you know.

I mean she lived, my, my cat, but you know,

hasn't been the same ever since.

Just kinda walks around all bald and confused now.

[curious orchestral music]

[children laughing]

Hey.

[crutch thuds] [boy cries out]

[curious strings music]

[birds chirping]

[Rick sighs]

Kinda feel like we're in Zach Braff movie right now.

Nobody puts baby in the corner. [laughs]

Wait a second. That's not right.

Anyway, I think you're gonna enjoy this Friday show, dude.

It's totally fresh to death.

Kinda like arena glam rock with some heavy gangster

rap influences, all done in chip tune.

I call it eight bit cock hop.

You know you got a little bit a sauce right there

on the chin.

Yeah, right, right there.

Go away.

[relaxed acoustic music]

[Rick sputters]

[Rick scoffs]

[bird chirping]

Look, I'm sorry, Poodle. He was a really chatty dude.

I mean he wanted to know all about my cat,

and, and there was this girl whose name he didn't know

that he kept going on and on about.

Next thing you know, we're talking about Paul Newman

and wolves, and he's probably gonna kill himself.

Ah. [chuckles]

Probably not. You know?

Just a big maybe on that.

I mean, who, who's to say?

Huh, you know, 30% of Americans do commit suicide

every single day.

Ah.

And that's some serious math right there.

Some scary stuff.

But, but he won't.

He wouldn't, 'cause he's, you know,

he's got his stuff together.

Little douchy, yeah but, [exhales sharply]

[chuckles] you know, he's fine.

We have to bake him a cake.

But I've got deliveries to make, Poodle.

Yes, you do. Today, we're delivering hope.

What?

Buttercream frosted hope.

[birds chirping]

[lively orchestral music]

Hey, Mia.

Mia.

Hello, I am Sockio Sockio.

Hi, and I am Luigi Sockio.

We are Italian and we have-a mustaches.

And we bring to you, our ancestral food stuff

from the ancient island of Italy,

which is where we are from. [giggles]

Okay, first of all, Italy is a peninsula.

And secondly, you're a fucking asshole.

I wrote you a dinner theater play.

Oh. Oh, I take back what I said then.

I'd like you to kill me now,

so I don't have a listen act two.

Well that was very hurtful.

The second act is a fierce takedown

of the banking industrial complex.

And I think you would've really enjoyed it.

I'm only trying to cheer you up, Mia, but

fine, you know what?

Have it your way.

Here, pizza.

I can't eat that.

What do you mean?

I mean, it's a good.

It's from-a the place around the corner.

I don't eat cheese.

What do you mean, you don't eat cheese?

You know this.

I spent like forever picking little pieces of ham

and hamburger and emu off of here, and it was really hot.

I mean I burnt my,

I didn't really, I didn't actually burn myself,

but I did it over and over again

and it was really uncomfortable for me.

I'm trying really hard here, Mia, and you don't even care.

[Mia sighs]

What do you want from me?

You want me to let you go? Is that what you want?

Yes.

Okay, well I, I can't do that.

I mean, I'm just, I'm brainstorming.

Is there anything else?

Garrett, I don't know what's going on here.

I don't have a fucking clue, okay.

And, I'm not mad anymore, okay?

So just, please, let me go.

I'll get you a waffle. [laughs]

[gentle music]

Boy.

[sighs] How you bum your leg, boy child?

I was part of the commando unit sent in to squash

some insurgent activity over on Sycamore Drive.

I busted my leg on extraction.

Ha, almost same thing happens to me,

outside of Hanoi in '72.

Now, my leg parts, mostly rebar and duct tape.

[gun clinks]

It's the man in black pajamas who I'm shooting at. You?

Fifth grade girls.

Ah, just as dangerous.

I hear you, brother.

What kind of gun is that?

Makarov, nine millimeter.

Can I see it?

Sure.

Whoa. Can I shoot something?

Sure. Um, shoot Glen.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm joking.

It's joke, ha-ha.

All right, maybe we shoot Glen later, huh?

[slow somber strings music]

[Garrett inhales]

[light strings music]

[footsteps clicking]

[Man] Hello, and welcome to YouTube's edition

of how to tie a noose.

[light somber strings music]

Step one in tying noose, find a rope.

Once you have your rope,

you shall start tying your noose as such.

[curious orchestral music]

[glass plate scatters]

Now that you have learned to tie a proper loop,

you must now follow step 15.

In step 15, you shall...

[curious orchestral music]

[Mia yells muffled]

[Mia groans]

Take the end of the rope and place it through the bunny hole

and out the rabbit hatch.

[curious orchestral music]

[Mia groans lightly]

And if you take that last bit of string,

pull it nice and tight, voila,

you now have yourself a full bonafide noose.

[curious orchestral music]

[Mia groaning]

[glass scraping]

[Garrett gagging]

[glass scraping]

[curious orchestral music]

[tense music]

[Mia gasps]

[tense orchestral music]

Hey.

Oh, what happened here?

I dropped my waffle.

Well, we'll get you another one.

I don't want you to eat off the floor.

Okay. I'm gonna take this off of you.

What I don't want you to do is be too mean to me.

If I wanted to be brow beaten or made fun of,

I could call my mom.

What's with the neck wear there, buddy?

Oh, this.

Yes, well, I guess you decided to hang yourself in the end.

Out of guilt.

It's a classic.

I don't think I did decide to do that.

I think I'd remember that.

Vegetables do weird things to people's brains.

You should stop eating them.

Let me go.

Oh, I can't do that.

Why?

I think you'd be very upset if you knew.

You're gonna kill me.

I'm upset!

Hey, please don't be like this, don't.

Can't you just, I'm a nice guy. I'm a damn bunny rabbit.

Nice guys don't kidnap and kill innocent people.

Monsters do that, and fuckheads. Fuckhead monsters.

He was cheating on you, you know?

What?

You were one of half a dozen girls

he didn't even care about.

I've actually taken the liberty of putting together

a PowerPoint presentation for you.

A PowerPoint?

Oh yeah.

Oh, there he is, Ben.

He moved in with me and ruined everything.

[deep playful music]

[dog yelps]

[fire swooshes]

[cat meows]

Whoo-hoo.

I hated the way he seduced you with his slick ways

and his sex parts.

[whimsical music]

[doorbell rings]

Help! Help!

Help.

Help!

[doorbell rings]

Hello?

He's really shy.

He doesn't have elephantiasis though. I'm pretty sure.

Uh, hey!

Hey, open the door.

Please.

Hi. We brought you a cake.

She makes cakes. Pretty good.

Why are you here?

She made me leave work early to buy cake stuff.

What happened to your hand?

It's from a monkey.

A monkey?

Yeah. I train helper monkeys for citizens.

Citizens who need monkeys.

Oh. I love monkeys.

There's a monkey on the cake. See? [laughs]

Can we come in and meet the monkey?

No, no. God, no. He's angry.

You actually need to leave. Okay?

But, thanks for the cake.

Yeah, it looks, looks good.

I like monkeys.

Wait. I just want you to know that we're here.

I can see that.

No, I mean we're here for you.

I'm fine. Okay?

Oh my god.

[Garrett] What?

You have a noose around your neck.

No, I don't.

Maybe we should go, Poodle.

There is a noose around his neck.

He is going to kill himself, Rick.

Maybe he's a gasper, like into autoerotic asphyxiation.

I don't know.

I, I feel weird. This is really personal stuff.

I'm not gonna kill myself.

See, it's all good.

Catch you at the cock-hop show, right?

Yeah.

There is a noose around,

there is a noose around you.

There is a noose around his neck.

Go away.

I don't think he wants us here.

He does want us here.

Clearly, he doesn't. Clearly.

No one is killing anyone.

My girlfriend and I,

we just have a complicated relationship.

I told you it was a sex thing.

That's it.

That's it, we have uh,

sweet, sweet, complicated intercourse.

But, I need you to go now because of all the intercourse.

So, thanks for the monkey cake.

Okay, and, oh you, you might wanna go run off to the car

and grab one of those extra shirts.

Yeah, your pits are kind of swampy. Okay now, bye-bye.

[birds chirping]

[door squeaks]

I hate people. Especially other people.

You, you're not so bad, but for the most part,

people who need people,

they are just the most annoying people in the world.

Some people will draw you in with the way they have skin.

Or, they smell like vanilla coconut candy.

[Garrett sighs]

And, then they make you feel like you can trust them.

And it turns out that they're just big, fat liar cats,

and that they're sleeping with other people

right behind your back.

I never slept with you in front of your back.

Don't you see how that's worse?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You can't ignore me anymore, Mia.

I mean, look at me.

I'm the last thing you're ever gonna see.

What we had, it was cosmic.

It was a love I thought was gonna watch the stars turn cold.

And you're just [sighs],

anyway, I'm not mad at you, I just want you to know,

I mean, I forgive you.

Hm.

[Garrett gagging]

Help, help.

[curious orchestral music]

[rope stretching]

Mia!

Help, help me. [yells]

[Garrett gagging and yelling]

[curious orchestral music]

I'm sorry, Poodle. He was having a really bad day.

A complete stranger. You met him one time, Rick.

Do you tell everybody that your girlfriend

has sweaty arm stains?

Is that like your Facebook status or something?

I love you.

Who else have you told?

What's important is that...

Who else?

- Well... - Who else?

I have told many, many people.

[Abigail scoffs]

You know what your problem is?

I know several of them.

Do you even understand what's happening right now?

I understand some of what's happening right now.

You never even notice what's going on

right under your nose.

Are you kidding me?

I'm like fucking Daredevil.

Like hyper aware of, you know, my shit at all times.

I'm hyper aware that you're an idiot.

Is that nice?

[Mia screams muffled]

Hm-mm.

Check this.

There's a car, PT Cruiser, hunter green, fairly mint.

[Abigail sighs]

It's carrying three children, about to round the corner.

They're watching SpongeBob in the backseat.

Squidward's flipping a Krabby Patty.

The middle child has ADHD and just ate Cheez-Its for lunch.

[birds chirping]

[Abigail scoffs]

Okay, but you got to admit that would've been pretty dope.

Also, Krabby Patty? Band name.

Do we even care that he's going to kill himself?

He's not going to...

He has a noose around his neck.

So? Flava Flav's been wearing a clock since the '80s.

What?

I'm just saying, I've seen worse fashion.

Like, remember the time Byork wore a fricking goose

or whatever to the Oscars?

Now that was fucked up.

You're unbelievable.

He said he's not going to kill himself.

That's exactly what someone would say

if they were going to kill themself.

Sure.

But it's also exactly what someone would say

who's not going to kill themselves.

Huh?

Conundrum.

[door slams shut]

Get in there and fix this,

or find somewhere else to sleep tonight.

[Rick sighs]

[Garrett grunting]

[Mia yells]

[Mia] No!

[Garrett yells in pain]

[both grunting]

[doorbell rings]

[Mia yelling muffled]

I have tried really hard to be fair to you.

I almost died up there.

[Mia groans]

[curious orchestral music]

You scared me.

[Mia panting]

If I had any idea how to tie a proper knot,

I'd be dead right now.

[doorbell rings]

[both breathing heavily]

How, how did you even?

What, did you chew through this?

[tape stretches]

You're not getting any monkey cake.

[yells] Fuck you!

[door squeaks]

[mysterious music]

Steve?

[Abigail] Steve?

Damn, I hate people.

[mysterious orchestral music]

[Mia groans]

Sh.

Steve?

Hold on.

[curious orchestral music]

Why are you in my house?

I thought you were trying to get our attention.

Well, I wasn't.

Oh my god. You have scratches on your face.

Oh yeah, that's from the, that's from the monkey.

He's in a really foul mood.

I don't know what his problem is.

Where is he?

I sent him to his room to think about what he had done.

Hm.

Did you spank him?

You know, for being bad, did you spank your monkey?

[hand slaps]

We were worried about you.

Can you worry about me in someone else's house?

We're here for you.

We care about you.

[laughs] Super.

[fork tapping]

Mm.

Mm.

[Abigail clears throat]

So, what's your monkey's name?

Ampersand.

[Rick] Mm.

[Abigail's foot thuds]

Ah, uh, okay.

Uh, Steve, we're worried about you, uh, apparently.

We want you to know that we both like you.

You are liked, and you are a good person.

I mean, probably, I don't know.

Oh, you really shouldn't have said that arm sweat thing

to Abigail though.

You know, I'm not gonna get too down on you

because you're going through this whole

killing yourself thing, but that was messed up, dude.

I'm just sayin'.

[Abigail clears throat]

It really was, but, but, but we like you, a lot.

Whole bunches.

How 'bout some drinks with the cake?

Mm.

That would be lovely, Steve. Thank you.

[curious orchestral music]

Oh. She's really pretty.

[Garrett] The prettiest ones are the worst.

He doesn't mean you, Poodle.

Of course I don't mean her. Why would I mean her?

I said the pretty ones.

[Abigail chuckles]

So what happened between you guys?

She ruined my life.

How did she do that?

Doesn't matter.

It does matter.

Because we care. [Garrett groans]

It just really wasn't any one thing in particular.

It's like this, okay.

I used to bring her flowers, and she's beautiful

and so she expects flowers, like they just appear.

And one day I used my key that she gave me.

We exchanged keys and I used my key to leave her flowers.

[whimsical guitar music]

[footsteps clomping]

Ben, you got me flowers?

Yeah. I...

They're gorgeous.

[Ben exhales]

Look, there's a card.

Oh, hey, why don't you let me uh,

why don't you let me read that

like one of those sexy, romantic voiceovers, huh?

Okay.

In a desert life, you are a refreshing, sexy beverage,

like an Arnold Palmer.

[chuckles] Okay.

Or a Sprite that I think about at night times.

Love, Ben.

[Mia] That's weird.

Yes.

[Mia chuckles]

It is weird.

[Mia] But it's sweet.

I have to have you, right now.

Right now?

Right this very second.

Okay.

[Ben moaning]

[Mia giggles]

[Mia and Ben laughing]

[Ben moans loudly]

[Ben] Yeah.

[Mia laughs]

Oh, right there.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Wow.

So you were just under the, like the whole?

That's really something.

- [Rick scoffs] - Yeah.

How are the drinks?

[sniffs] They smell funny.

Like not a ha-ha funny, but.

Oh my god, that's strong.

Kind of burns. It smell like it burns?

Oh, it's a cocktail.

Oh. We don't drink.

Nah. Gave up drinking.

You don't drink at all?

Nope.

Not even wine coolers?

- [Abigail clears throat] - Not even wine coolers.

[Abigail coughs]

Can I use your uh, bathroom? [coughing]

Oh, oh yeah. Right, right down the hall to the right.

[Abigail coughing]

[Abigail] Thank you.

Dude, she freaks out about smoke.

You know where people don't smoke?

Your house.

Dude, just be chill. We're leaving.

Just give her some peace of mind so we can go.

[Rick sighs]

[Rick sniffs]

[Rick coughing]

Oh, god.

If she asks, you drank these, okay?

[Rick sighs]

[Rick gasping]

[Rick coughs]

[Rick heaves]

[vomit splatters]

God. This is not good.

It tastes like hate. [coughs]

I'm burning.

[Rick cries out in pain]

[deep curious orchestral music]

[Rick coughs]

[Rick cries out in pain]

Wait a minute. Why are you kicking?

I'm sorry.

- [foot thuds] - Ow, stop it!

[Garrett grunts]

[Rick yells in pain]

Oh, man, I'm sick!

Oh my god.

Hurry, grab a towel from the bathroom.

Go!

Hurry. I know CPR.

Shut up. Shut up. [foot thudding]

Where is it?

Oh god, just keep looking.

It's not in here.

Look in the closet.

[Abigail groans]

Don't hit me with the blender, please don't.

[Rick yelling]

[blender clinks]

[Abigail crying]

I can't find it anywhere. Rick?

Rick?

[Abigail breathing heavily]

[Abigail gasps]

[dark curious orchestral music]

Rick?

[dark curious orchestral music]

Rick?

[door squeaks]

Rick?

Rick?

[tense music]

[Abigail screaming]

[Garrett grunting]

[glass shatters]

[objects clattering]

[suspenseful music]

[Garrett grunting] [Abigail yelling]

[Abigail crying]

Okay, okay.

Calm down. Calm down. I'm not gonna hurt you.

[Abigail yelling]

Calm down. Calm down.

Just, shh.

[Abigail crying]

Stop, okay.

Just, I know this probably looks bad,

but it's gonna be fine.

It's not like I'm collecting people or anything.

[Abigail crying]

Mia, say something.

[Abigail gasping]

Mia.

Mia. Sh.

[Abigail crying hysterically]

Mia?

Mia?

[curious orchestral music] [Abigail crying]

Hey.

[Garrett gasps]

[Abigail crying]

Oh! [Mia coughing]

Oh!

What are you doing?

I was saving your life.

What, are you trying to save me so you can kill me?

No.

[Abigail crying]

Yeah, I guess.

Oh god, who is she?

Is she another girl that won't date you?

Um, that's the, the pizza guy's girlfriend.

It's a whole thing.

Listen, how do you feel?

[Rick coughing] [Abigail whimpering]

I'll get you some water.

[Abigail crying]

[curious orchestral music]

[cellphone buzzing]

[Barry] Mia? You're not home yet?

You give Barry a call.

You let mom, dad know you are healthy, okay?

Barry is by to check on the roof at five.

Will also make sure all is correct.

[dramatic swoosh]

Who's Barry?

My landlord. We've been over this.

Landlord Barry.

Band name.

Does he have your key too?

He's my landlord.

Well, great. I'm gonna have to kill him.

Why would you do that?

[sniffling] Is this, is this because of the cake?

[Garrett clears throat]

Call him and tell him not to come.

No.

Do you not see how this works?

If he comes over here, I have to kill him.

Have you seen this chick? Or how 'bout this guy?

This is the pizza guy.

The pizza guy comes over, I have to kill him.

He brings his girlfriend, I have to kill her.

A bell rings, I kill someone.

[Abigail crying]

You want this Barry guy dead?

Fine. Just let him come over.

Anyone else you want dead?

Just give 'em a ring.

Give 'em a ring and have 'em come on down

to Garrett's death emporium.

We're having a half-off sale today.

Everyone must go.

Anyone have Justin Bieber's number? [laughs]

[Rick coughing]

[vomit splatters]

[Rick gasping]

Oh, god.

[Rick] worth it.

It was just flour, sugar and love. [cries]

Fine. Give me the phone.

[Barry] Hello?

Hey Barry, this is Mia.

I got your message, and I'm okay.

[Ben] Yeah? Why didn't you call?

Your mom, dad's calling me. It's nuts.

Shopping.

What?

Shopping.

I've been shopping.

[Barry] Barry checks roofs.

Uh, no. Um, don't come over. I'm naked.

[Barry] What?

Yeah, I'm shopping naked.

And I'm going to be naked for the foreseeable future, so,

please, please don't come over

unless you wanna see me naked.

Thanks Barry. Bye.

I hate all of you so much.

You ordered the pizza.

What?

I didn't come here for the hell of it.

You brought me here. You ordered the pizza.

I'm not killing you because you brought a pizza.

That was fine.

I'm killing you because you came back.

I didn't wanna do that.

Fine then, it's the sweathog's fault, whatever.

Oh, shit. [Abigail gasping]

You're right.

This is all your fault.

[Abigail whimpering]

Oh, knock it off. I might be dead because of you.

At least give me some peace for once

in your ridiculous life.

[Abigail crying]

What the hell are you doing, dude?

And you know what? I do drink.

I drink all the time and it is awesome.

It's how I put up with you for so long.

But there ain't enough beer in the world at this point.

You know what I'm saying?

Knock it off.

No. I am so sick of this shit I could vomit, more.

The next time this little shit writes a murder note,

it should be about our relationship.

Because that thing is deader than a cat box.

[Abigail gasps]

And I mean gone, baby, gone.

Which is an awesome movie, by the way.

You're breaking up with me?

You're breaking up with her in the middle of all this?

I wanna switch sides now. Can I do that?

Is this because of the cake? [crying]

Unbelievable.

[computer keys clicking]

I have to kill myself very, very dead,

because of all the guilt from all the murders I did

in my gang, because I'm in a gang,

which you probably didn't know, but it's true.

Damn this thug life!

It was just a peanut butter party.

Should have been safe as houses,

but I have to commit suicide now because I feel really bad,

because of all the dying that happened.

Damn you, E. coli!

I'm not signing it. It's ridiculous.

[paper crumpling]

[somber music]

[doorbell rings]

[somber music]

Mia?

Mia, where are you?

Mia, this is disgusting. You are bad.

There is no party time in Barry's house.

Few people. This is Barry's house, Mia.

Mia?

[tense orchestral music]

Mia?

[tense orchestral music]

Lord Jesus.

[Garrett and Barry grunting]

Stay there.

Simon says no moving.

Stay on the ground.

[handcuffs clicking]

Stop moving.

Not moving, breathing.

Well, knock it off.

Did you call the police?

No.

What'd you see in the closet?

Nothing.

Then why did you say "Lord Jesus?"

Because you scared me.

Liar.

[tense music]

[Abigail talking muffled]

That is so just like you to say some shit like that.

You know this whole relationship, you've acted like,

just because I live in your parents' basement

that you own me.

Do you know how that makes me feel on the inside?

Makes me feel cheap, and sad. Like an emo song.

I don't wanna be an emo song.

I do not own skinny jeans.

[Abigail speaking muffled]

That is a damn lie and you know it.

[door squeaks]

[Abigail crying]

Okay, everyone. This is Barry.

I think you know Mia.

That's the pizza guy,

and that is his crazy annoying girlfriend

who likes monkeys and cake. [Abigail whining]

What was your name?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

[Abigail yelling muffled]

Someone gave him a gun. Awesome.

Where'd you get a gun?

It's Barry's.

[Abigail wailing]

Stop crying.

How have you not died from dehydration at this point?

Or from someone choking you to death?

Well, believe me, I've thought about it.

[Barry] What are you doing to them?

Whatever I like.

[laughs] Barry will kill you from the throat,

and then I will brunch on you and your testicles

with mint jelly.

[Abigail groans]

What does that even mean?

I will tear your tendons from their parts.

[chuckles] Just shut up.

I mean, I could shoot you right now.

Oh, if you shoot me, the neighbors will call the police,

and then the police will come

and make much holes in your body.

Seriously, I need you to stop talking.

Huh.

[Abigail crying]

I think Abigail...

Abigail.

I think Abigail will calm down

if you take the gag out of her mouth.

No.

No way.

[Abigail muttering muffled]

I am going to watch you die,

and it'll make me very happy to see the worms

flirting with your corpse.

I will shoot you in the face

if you do not shut your mouth.

Go ahead, slime weasel.

And I hope my blood splatters all over you,

and you can not remove my sticky brains from your hairs,

and the flies make a home in your head

and lay eggs in your marrow and eat your bones

from the inside!

[breathing heavily] Holy shit.

[Abigail yelling]

No crying or screaming.

[Abigail gasping]

Great.

Listen, dude, I've been thinking,

you really don't need four hostages, you know?

It's just more people to worry about, right?

So keep the girls,

let me walk on outta here. [Abigail yells]

Hell, I'll help out, you know,

tighten the security in this bitch.

I don't need help. You need help.

Your landlord is just psychotic.

You're running out of chairs.

[Garrett] Put this on.

[Garrett breathes heavily]

[Abigail crying]

Are you kidding me?

Like you've never been taken hostage

and held at gunpoint before.

[Abigail gasps] Really?

No? Just me.

Shut your woman up or I will.

Steve, Steve, there's no need for, for firearms.

Hey, come on, we're, we're a team, Steve.

His name is Garrett.

Steve, I think is an alias?

I wanna thank you for that.

You're welcome.

Dude, you lied to me?

I bet you don't even own a monkey, do you?

[Abigail scoffs]

I'm gonna name a bleeding ulcer

after each and every one of you.

Two for you.

[Garrett breathing shallow]

Stop looking at me.

[tense music]

[birds chirping]

- [peach thuds] - Whoa.

Jesus, what the, what the fuck, man?

[Garrett] You ruined everything.

What?

Just stop. Garrett, stop it right now. Jesus!

You stole my flowers and did sex on me.

Yeah, well if you don't want sex done on you,

don't break into people's homes

and hide under their bed, creepy.

You knew?

Yeah, I knew. I was extra bouncy.

I'm moving out.

Well, good for you.

Me and Mia are moving in together, so keep the house.

We're gonna have so much sex.

Whoa! [peach thuds]

Stop. [peaches thudding]

Garrett, would you stop it right now.

That's it, I'm gonna kick your ass.

You better check your damn insurance policy

to make sure it covers ass-kicking.

Oh yeah?

What're you gonna do with that?

Huh? You gonna hit me with that?

Come on. [metal clanks]

[Ben splashes]

[birds chirping]

Oh, this is not good.

[curious orchestral music] [Garrett groaning]

[Barry grumbles]

So, we are going to discuss the possibility,

the very real possibility

of me letting everyone go, perhaps.

Without and, and this is really key, okay?

Without me getting into any trouble whatsoever.

Speaking duck. Okay?

Whoever has the duck...

Whomever.

What?

Whomever has the duck.

Right.

Whomever has the duck has the floor.

You're actually gonna let us go?

Yeah.

Well everyone but Barry.

Barry has seen too much, so Barry's boned.

What did Barry see?

Barry has seen a hundred-fold times your death,

delivered by the hands of Barry.

Damn it, Barry, this is why no one likes you.

That was really creepy.

Okay, and, you did not have the duck.

Give me the duck.

No, you're just gonna say things about killing me again.

I have additions, addendums, modification,

Bible references, which I will list to you

if you give Barry the fucking duck.

You're not getting the damn duck.

May I have the duck?

Yeah. Yes, you may.

I mean, how hard is that, really?

I think we should go on the honor system.

We can swear not to tell anyone about you.

We, we can pinky swear. [laughs]

That's not gonna work.

Why not?

Thank you. Why not?

Because if I had poisoned and tied up

and tried to hang me, I would tell on me.

[Rick whistles]

[duck thuds]

How 'bout this?

How about you hook us each up with a gallon or two of water,

maybe some straws, then hop on a plane and bomb away

to a non-extradition country.

Then when you land, you can call the cops

and tell them where we are.

Seems pretty solid, brother.

Name for me please some non-extradition countries.

[duck thuds]

I'm not sure, but I feel pretty good about Venezuela

or Vancouver, definitely a V country.

Maybe the Vatican?

How is it that you don't know Vancouver is not a country?

They didn't actually teach geography at my school,

and I'm a little sensitive about it, to be honest.

Mia, you've been awfully quiet. Any ideas?

You think I'd walk outta here and leave you to kill Barry?

Well, we told him not to come.

How is this my fault?

It's moot anyway.

Ben's gonna be back soon and he's gonna end this.

Ben.

Ben has only ever let you down.

I promise you, he's not gonna change today.

[teeth snap]

Fine. You guys can all just die.

Well, hang on. I, I can live like that.

And she didn't have the duck.

It doesn't count if she didn't have the duck.

And I thought of another one, Indonesia.

You could learn to surf.

Dammit, lady.

I mean, I respect the balls and all, but come on.

Barry's old, he's had a good life.

Barry's had a terrible life.

Barry's mostly duct tape and rebar.

See, all the more reason. He's ready to go.

Barry wants to live.

Dammit, Barry.

What did you see, Barry?

I saw the death of someone's life in your closet.

What?

Barry.

Barry.

[Barry] Hmm?

Those aren't real handcuffs. There's a safety release.

Hmm?

Chicks, man.

Am I right?

How did you put up with her all that time?

I guess maybe cheating on her constantly helped,

I don't know.

You wanna smoke?

No?

Yeah, good call, they're bad for your health.

[sighs] You see what I did there? 'Cause you're dead.

Man, your sense of humor just went to shit after you died.

No, you're right.

Of course you are. I gotta talk to her.

I can't leave it like this with her all mad at me.

You know, you're a shitty comedian since you died, right?

But you are a damn fine listener.

[sighs] Okay, well, let's get you back in your closet.

[Garrett sighs]

Okay guys, I think we got a little off track here,

and I blame myself.

What are you doing?

Wait.

Where's?

[Garrett grunts]

[Garrett yelling]

All of your nervous system are now belong to us.

[nail gun pops]

[Garrett gasping]

You're too violent, man.

[Barry groans]

[Barry thuds]

No. What did you do? What did you do?

[Abigail yells]

Tie him up!

No!

No!

Barry! Barry! Fuck! [screaming]

I can't feel my face.

[Barry yelling]

[shovel thudding]

Garrett, stop it!

[Rick groans]

[garage door whirring]

[Garrett breathing heavily]

[light upbeat orchestral music]

[garage door whirring]

I better go talk to him.

Hey, little kid. Little kid, hold up. Hold up.

Did you wanna come inside?

We are having a great time in there.

We've got cake inside. It's monkey cake.

I have to get home.

Hey, your mom's not gonna care, just let's [coughs],

let's go inside and give her a call, okay?

Come on. Let's go, sweet pea.

Just give her a, [winces]

Ah.

[laughs] We're making pie inside.

It's cherry pie.

Look, and we're playing paintball.

[imitates paintball exploding]

[laughs] It's a blast man, come on.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Come on.

- Listen, I need to get inside. - Help, help. Let go.

Hey!

Nothing, nothing weird going on here.

We're fine.

[garage door whirring]

Shut that fucking door!

I still have the gun. Remember the gun?

[laughing] Hey.

[birds chirping]

[slow somber music] [Garrett breathing heavily]

What just happened?

I think he's Al Qaeda or Taliban, maybe Cobra.

I don't know.

No one is gonna hurt you.

I promise, everything is gonna be just fine.

[woman thuds]

[deep suspenseful music]

[tire thuds]

[tire thuds]

[brake engages]

[deep suspenseful music]

Holy shit.

You just hit that lady.

She just, she came out of nowhere.

No, no, she was on the lawn

and then you drove up on the lawn and you hit her.

[laughs] I know, it's crazy, right? Who does that?

Listen, call the police.

I think I have a first aid kit in my trunk.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Oh holy sugar. Okay, this isn't the good.

Think she'll need the first aid kit?

I don't know, I think...

[tire iron thuds]

Jogging. Is. Bad. For. Your. Health.

[tire iron clanging]

[wheels clicking]

[shears click]

[upbeat calypso music]

♪ Slow your step man ♪

♪ Take a look around ♪

♪ Because you're missing out on the things you love ♪

♪ Slow your step, man ♪

♪ Take a look around ♪

♪ Because you are missing out ♪

♪ And you're letting your friends down ♪

[upbeat horns music]

[upbeat calypso music]

[Garrett yells]

[shears thud]

[upbeat horns music]

[Garrett panting]

Hey!

[chaotic music]

Hey neighbor. You hungry?

♪ Man oh man, we're here for you ♪

♪ We're always here to pull you through ♪

♪ If the world is just way too big ♪

♪ To be left out on your own ♪

♪ Slow your pride and accept our help ♪

[bottle shatters]

♪ The world is gettin' way too big ♪

♪ To leave you there, yeah ♪ [man yelling]

[bong bubbling]

[man exhales]

All right you Swedish dick hole, it's on.

[groans]

[nail gun popping]

[man yells in pain] [man with nail gun grunts]

Whoa.

No. Nah.

[nail gun pops] [man yells in pain]

I didn't know that IKEA made people.

Sorry.

All right, try to...

[man yells in pain]

Whoa.

Damn.

[lawn mower rumbling] [man on ground yelling]

[chuckles] You seeing this, bookshelf?

[upbeat Latin music] [man on ground yelling]

♪ Take a look at what you've got ♪

♪ Right in front of your eyes ♪

♪ 'Cause life is treating you better ♪

- [man yelling] - Wow.

[body grinding]

[blood splats]

That wasn't cool. [yells]

♪ What are you gonna do ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ Because when people get lost, they lose their job ♪

♪ Stop working at their nine to five ♪

♪ [muffled by water gurgling] Mary Jane ♪

♪ You see the potential wasting away, yeah ♪

[water gurgling]

[nail gun blasts]

[door clicks open]

[Garrett breathing heavily]

We need to have a conversation.

[slow somber music]

- [Garrett grunts] - No. No!

I wanted to tell you, just before you die,

I want you to know you deserve this.

'Cause other people, they probably didn't,

but you killed them just the same.

I hope you know you're a murderer.

No, no.

You know, still, I forgive you.

[Mia groans]

[Mia breathing shallow]

[Mia groans]

[Garrett groans]

Why are you doing all this?

Why? You wanted a monster?

Look at me, now you've got one.

I'm gonna out-beast even you.

Pay attention.

This is where I begin.

Oh, uh, you um, killed your boyfriend, by the way.

Ben.

Ben? Ben.

Oh, yeah you drowned him.

You're crazy.

What?

It's right here on page two.

"It was just a lover's quarrel that got out of hand,"

because you are a cheating asshole.

"I didn't mean to brain him to death

with my metaphorical abstract fucking rabbit.

But I totally did, and now he's dead and it's all my fault."

Anyway, that's just one of the drafts.

I've got others. You see?

Anyway, I told you that you're the crazy one.

[crying] I thought we were friends.

I thought we were in love.

I thought we were...

Any way, um.

[Mia shuddering]

I'm gonna need your John Hancock on this,

just uh right here, at the bottom, okay?

No! [crying]

Wait. No?

Really?

Okay, well you just killed the girl that won't stop crying.

You did that.

Oh no.

Oh, um,

don't fall until I get back, okay?

Just a minute.

[Mia yells]

[tense music]

Hey.

Whatcha doin'?

Shut up.

[Abigail whimpering]

[Abigail yelling]

Hey, you shut up too.

Don't worry, Poodle. He's not gonna kill you.

Did you just call me Poodle?

Yes, I did.

Do you wanna get back together?

Focus, lady. I'm about to kill you.

He hasn't killed anyone.

Even if he tried to kill you, you'll be fine.

If he were a newspaper,

his permanent headline would be "Fail."

There are two pretty fucking dead people

up in that hallway right now.

I think they'd disagree.

Ah, I don't know.

Probably you just found 'em dead and brought 'em in here.

Found 'em dead?

Sure. People die all the time.

Stands to reason you might trip across one or two.

I once knew a guy, died while performing CPR on an old lady.

Irony.

Well, what about Barry?

Barry's dead.

I don't think so.

Barry's old.

He probably just needed a nap after kicking your ass.

I kicked his ass.

Nah. [laughs] You couldn't even beat up an old man.

There's no way you could kill anyone.

You don't think I can kill anyone?

Not a soul, sunbeam.

Let's find out together.

[Abigail crying]

[Garrett grunting]

Oh, so we're taking a bath now. That's a little weird.

[Rick grunts]

Ah, that is cold.

Ah, this is cold. This is cold water.

If we could make that warm. I'm very cold now.

[Rick breathes deeply]

[Garrett whistling]

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, see this is why you need me on your side.

That there's a GFCI outlet, and it'll trip the circuit

like a 30th of a second after you toss that thing in here

with me so, can't kill me like that. [laughs]

Let's find out.

[electricity buzzing]

[yells] Oh, fuck me running.

[Rick yelling] [Mia whimpering]

Oh, worst 30th of a second ever. [gasps]

[Garrett sighs]

What?

Oh, oh shit. Geez.

[electricity buzzing] [Garrett yelling]

Oh shit, you're gonna make me die.

That's not very nice. That's not very nice.

[Rick gasping]

Ta-da.

Have a good feeling this is gonna be the one.

Oh, come on. Come on.

[Rick yelling] [electricity buzzing]

[Mia gasps]

What the fuck is wrong with you? [gasping]

[tense music]

Not the fucking blender again.

[blender whirring]

[Rick yelling] [electricity buzzing]

[tense music]

[suspenseful music]

There you are.

Sorry that took so long.

Pizza guy just didn't wanna die.

So are you gonna sign the letter,

or should I kill someone else?

Thank you.

Okay.

[slow tense music]

[Mia whimpers]

[tense music]

[Barry breathing shallow]

Come.

[deep tense music]

[Abigail whimpers]

[deep tense music]

[suspenseful music]

[scary music]

[Garrett crying out in pain]

[Barry growling]

[gunshot blasts]

[suspenseful music]

[gunshots blasting]

[gun clicks]

[suspenseful music]

[gun thuds]

[Garrett breathing heavily]

[deep suspenseful music]

[door creaks open]

Hey, kids?

Oh, come on, let's play a little game of duck, duck murder.

[Mia shudders]

[Mia whimpering]

It'll break. It'll break.

It'll break.

[Mia gasping] [rope stretching]

[Mia gagging and groaning]

[door creaking]

[deep suspenseful music]

You know, you kinda have to appreciate the irony

in all this.

You came here to make sure I didn't die,

and here I am making sure that you do.

I mean, maybe that's not irony, but it is something.

We could ask your boyfriend, maybe he'd know.

Oh, you know what?

I kinda fried his ass a few minutes ago.

[blade sawing]

[Mia coughing and gasping]

[Rick gasping]

It was, it was a GFCI outlet, eh, can't kill me like that.

[Mia laughing]

[Rick breathing heavily]

Okay. God, let's go.

[panting] How 'bout just rest for a sec?

We gotta get you to a doctor.

Ah, don't worry about me.

Go get Abi. Get Abi.

Okay. Okay.

- Okay. - Yeah.

You wanna take my blender?

I'm good.

Okay.

[groans] There's a, you got a bicycle chain on the,

oh shit, oh.

Don't worry, dude. We're gonna get you outta here.

Whoo.

Did you actually come up here

thinking there was a way out?

Yeah, there's not.

There's no way out.

No hope for you and all your tears. [fakes crying]

I can, wait.

Yeah, you know, it's just you and me and death makes three.

Also that little crippled kid with the glasses.

[deep tense music]

[Abigail winces]

[Abigail crying]

I swear, I don't know why I put off killing you for so long.

Killing you is gonna be the most fun since,

well, probably ever.

[Timmy yells]

[Garrett screams in pain]

[saw whirring and buzzing]

[Garrett crying]

[tense scary music]

[Garrett yells]

[Abigail cries out]

[Garrett yells indistinctly]

[tense scary music]

You guys are the worst.

[nail gun pops] [Garrett grunts]

[Garrett groaning]

You guys okay?

I've been better.

Oh, them.

Of course.

Of course you wouldn't be asking how I'm doing.

Drop the shovel.

Or what?

[nail gun popping] Ow, ow!

Ah!

Ah!

[nail gun popping]

[tense suspenseful music]

I'm gonna sleep in your skin tonight, like a tauntaun.

[nail gun popping] [Garrett grunting]

Ah! Uh.

[tense suspenseful music]

[nail gun clicking]

What now?

[nail gun clatters]

I'll think of something.

And it'll hurt.

[suspenseful music]

This is all your fault.

All this chaos,

all the death,

this is on you.

[Garrett crashes] [Garrett yells in pain]

[Garrett gasping]

[Garrett shuddering]

You got a little something right, one right here.

Let me get that for you.

[Garrett screaming in pain]

[Garrett thuds]

[Garrett gasping]

[Rick groaning]

[Rick breathing heavily]

[blender clinks]

[gentle tense music] [Garrett groans lightly]

[chains rattling]

[Garrett grunting]

[board squeaking] [Garrett yelling]

[Garrett grunting] [chains rattling]

I'm gonna need you to sign this.

[pen clicks]

♪ My life, a smoking shot of gin ♪

♪ You'll say it's a sin ♪

♪ You'll have to please forgive the grin ♪

♪ Time for you to die ♪

♪ It's murder and suicide ♪

♪ You've gotta done a killing spree ♪

Who just bombs in here, starts killing folk,

and even brings a few of his own dead people,

like a, like a bag lunch or something?

I'm like, "Stop killing folk. They, they don't like that.

You know, just stop."

And then he, he axes himself in the face.

And then he hung himself.

Right. Right after.

- Shame. - Yeah. [scoffs]

Why the ax and the hanging?

Um, well, I guess he believed that anything worth doing

was worth doing right. [chuckles]

Hm.

Well, we were having a peanut butter party,

and he just showed up, I didn't even invite him.

Terrible manners.

Yeah, I mean mayonnaise party, go ahead and just,

you know, uninvited, that's fine, but peanut butter.

Not peanut butter.

Huh-uh.

Fuckin' terrorist, man. They're everywhere.

This one was when he tried to make me eat chicken.

I'm vegan.

They hate our freedom, you know.

Drown guy in the closet?

There was a drown guy in the closet. [laughs]

Well, they say it only takes like a teaspoon of water,

don't they?

- Yeah. - True story.

I mean, you'd have to be a total retard, but...

It can happen.

Yeah, he is missing teeth.

Gingivitis is a bitch.

I just assumed he was British.

Hm, he was very pale.

- Hm. - And stiff.

Yeah.

Could've been the rigor mortis.

It's a rabbit.

Riga-what?

Riga-who?

Riga-please.

We're starting a hip hop group.

[Rick vocalizing]

Holla.

We're not.

We are.

We are.

[Abigail laughs]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull