Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: On last week's episode:

MATTHEW: Where are you going? - To tell Burton I love him.

I have to tell you something...

...and it's the kind of something that should only be said in person.

Or on a giant screen at a baseball game.

I...

...don't think I can see you anymore.

Wow, I'm so glad you didn't put that on a giant screen at a baseball game.

- Gotcha. - Aah!

Oh, sorry, honey, don't be scared, it's just Mommy.

- Don't do that. - Okay, I won't.

Sorry. Sorry, sweetie.

- Ahh. How was your day? Okay? - Great.

I saw a second-grader throw up lasagna in the bathroom.

Oh, okay. What else?

Maybe applesauce.

[SIGHS]

Well, this school's definitely worth the second mortgage.

- And it's my night to take home Marvin. - The janitor?

No, the class rat. We named him after the janitor.

Oh.

Could we take home the janitor?

I mean, the pellets are bigger but he cleans up after himself.

[CHUCKLING]

- That's a good one, right? - Yeah.

[CHUCKLING]

- Hey, buddy. - Hi, Dad.

- Hey, New Christine. - Hi.

It's funny every time.

- What are you guys doing here? - Picking up Ritchie.

We switched nights, remember? You were gonna see some play?

Oh, no, no, no, I was gonna go see that play with Burton.

We got the tickets when we were together but we're not together anymore, so no play.

I mean, they're not gonna cancel the play just because we broke up, but, heh...

I'll take Ritchie tonight, and you can take him tomorrow.

- I can't. - Why?

I'm going out of town tomorrow and we have movie tickets for tonight.

I gave you a day this week so you could take him to that thing on ice.

- I love things on ice. CHRISTINE: No, no, no.

- The thing on ice is next week. - This is next week.

Ugh. We missed the thing on ice.

- So, what am I doing? - Uh, all right, your dad's right.

Let's stick to the plan. Go with Daddy and I'll figure out something else to do.

- Go get your backpack. - Okay.

I hate to think of you alone. Why don't you come with us?

We're gonna go see that new movie. It's with Selma Blair or Salma Hayek.

Which one is married to Michael Douglas?

Come with us. You just broke up with Burton. You don't wanna be alone.

Oh, no, you guys, please. I was alone a long time before Burton.

I'm gonna be alone a long time after Burton.

Sad.

No, it's not sad, it's great. I'm good alone, really.

I mean, in fact, in high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Alone.

And it was a big school.

- Really sad. - No, it's fine.

You got everything? All right, give me a kiss.

- See you later, alligator. - In a while, crocodile.

Okay. Ha, ha. Bye.

Man, that was tough to watch.

Seeing your kid get hauled away by your ex and his new young lover.

I know what that's like. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

No. Hi, Stan. No, it's not like that at all. We just got our wires crossed.

- Oh, hello, Mrs. Campbell. - Hi.

Are you waiting for me?

No, she just had a mix-up with her kid but she's okay now.

I'm taking care of her. We had a thing.

Yes, I think I heard something about that.

And did you hear? She got dumped by her rebound guy.

No, I didn't hear that.

No, he wasn't my rebound guy and I broke up with him.

- And we didn't have a thing. - I don't really need an explanation.

I'm just gonna clear out and let you two talk.

Good luck to you, Mrs. Campbell.

Thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Belt.

Please, Stan.

Please don't keep telling people about our thing.

I know breakups are hard. I could write a book about it. Heh.

Fact, I did. Just can't find a publisher, though.

You're in it. You come off okay.

Okay, I gotta go. I'll see you, Stan.

Wait, wait.

I do want you to know that I appreciate what a tough time this is...

...and, you know, if the loneliness ever gets too much and you start feeling sad...

...just remember I got big shoulders to cry on.

Oh. Well, Stan, let me tell you something, okay?

There is absolutely nothing sad about the evening I have ahead of me.

- Mrs. Campbell? - Yes?

- Don't forget your rat. - Ah. Oh.

No, no, we're not together anymore.

Oh, the rat. Marvin, yes. Okay.

[MOUTHING] Thank you.

Okay, Marvin.

Well, I wish I could say you were the first rat...

...I brought home to spend the night.

But if you play your cards right, you might be the first rat to make it till morning. Ha, ha.

Hello.

God, Matthew. Why didn't you tell me you had company?

God, I might've done something embarrassing.

Yeah, seducing a rodent doesn't qualify.

I wasn't seducing him, I was just breaking the ice.

This is my sister Christine.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm Natalie. - Oh.

Matthew's told me so much about you. I'm sorry about your breakup.

But you know what? You can't make someone love you.

What? No, no, no, he loved me. I'm the one that didn't love.

Matthew, what are you doing telling strangers personal things about my life...

...if you're not gonna get it right? I broke up with him.

Yeah, tell it to the rat.

- Hey, where's Ritchie? - He's with Richard.

We got our wires crossed. I'm all alone tonight.

Alone? Uh-oh.

What? No, it's not "uh-oh." I can be alone.

I've never been alone. I've been with someone since second grade.

I would die if I was ever alone.

- Where are you going? - To the fridge.

Are you coming back?

I hope so.

So are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'm gonna be okay. What do you think I'm gonna do?

I don't know. Fall apart, drink yourself to sleep, make out with a crossing guard?

Okay, first of all, Matthew, that was in high school.

And second of all, Carl was not just a crossing guard...

...he was also a bartender.

Which made his DUI all the more ironic.

- Why did he break up with you again? - I broke up with him.

Listen, I handle these things so much better now. I really do.

I mean, the truth is, I look forward to being alone.

I can't remember the last time I had this house to myself.

- Uh-oh. - Ugh. What's this "uh-oh"?

We didn't think you'd be here tonight. We were gonna make dinner.

But I can do it in my room, just steam some vegetables with the iron.

[SIGHS]

No, no, no. That's okay, you can make your dinner.

- I'll just go out. - Where?

I don't know. Anywhere.

That's what's so great about America.

You're gonna do that all by yourself?

Yep. Just me, myself and I.

And who knows, if myself has a couple of drinks...

...me might just get lucky.

Keep moving, Ritchie. There's three of us.

One more, bud.

Okay, don't touch the floor, it's dirty. No, those aren't your Milk Duds.

Your jacket's falling. Wait, no, move your drink, it's gonna spill.

Keep your shoes on.

This is fun, huh?

I'm excited about this. I love movies with talking penguins.

But I hate it when they sing. It seems so fake.

I'm worried about Christine. She looked a little lost when we left her.

She's fine. She's been through worse things than a breakup.

Look at the size of Ritchie's head.

They let her go through 60 hours of labor before doing her C-section.

Oh, um, excuse me. Oh, hi, Peter. Hi, can you help me?

Mrs. Campbell. It's so nice to see you again.

Will Mr. Schaefer be joining you?

Ahh, no. No, he won't. Actually, we're not together anymore.

- Aw. Oh, no. Oh. - No, it's all right.

I'm sorry. I can't believe he broke up with you.

What? Oh, no. No, he didn't. He didn't. I broke up with him.

Yeah, I wonder why you would assume that he broke up with me.

I don't know. It's just that he's so:

And you're so:

Well, don't you worry. I'm gonna take care of you.

- You and I will make a night of it. - Oh, well, that is really not necessary.

- Well, it... - No, it's not.

Because, you know, as I said, I broke up with him.

Right. You did say that.

Um, anyway, uh, let me get you a table where you'll be comfortable.

Oh, I don't have anything small, but you have to sit in my section.

- Follow me. - Okay.

Wow.

That's a big table, isn't it?

God, that table's so big it has its own area code.

You need a slingshot just to pass the salt. You could land an F-14 on this baby.

That is one big table, I'm gonna tell you that right now.

[SHUSHING]

- I know it hurts, yes. - No.

Oh, no, no, it doesn't. No, no.

Those were jokes, jokes, jokes. I'm just trying to be funny.

- You know, it's... - The tears of a clown.

- I'll get the wine started. - Okay.

[SIGHS]

What to order? What to...?

- Oh, uh, that looks good. What is that? - Oh, it's rigatoni with a lamb ragout.

Oh, lamb. Oh, gross, I hate lamb.

[WHISPERING] Okay. Unh.

[SIGHS]

[CHRISTINE CHUCKLES]

Boy, that's a big table, isn't it?

It's big when you get back to your seat and your bread's a day old.

Am I right?

Ha, ha. So where are you folks from?

- Damn it. - I know, I'm lost too.

No. You got me thinking about Christine, and now I feel bad that we left her alone.

Breakups hurt. There's no way around it.

- They were only going out for two months. - Well, it's still a loss.

Even though I was the one that broke up with my last boyfriend, it still hurt.

It still does. But I had to do it.

You can't just stay with someone because the sex is fantastic.

That's a good story. I'm feeling better, thank you.

You know I'm not looking for that anymore. I'm looking for what we have.

- Like a brother-sister thing. - Ha-ha-ha.

Come on, don't pout. You know how I feel about you.

We're incredibly lucky. Some people go through their whole lives alone...

...just rattling around their empty houses...

...talking to their pets and complaining about the president.

Okay, I'm gonna call Christine.

Darn it.

I know, I'm lost too. All the penguins look alike.

So he wound up moving in with his mother, and eventually, he lost his mind.

[LAUGHING]

- What are you laughing at? - I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

I have a mother too, and she drives me insane.

So when you said that he moved in with her...

...and he lost his mind, I can totally relate. Ha, ha.

He said he lost his eyes. He's blind.

Oh. He lost his eyes?

His actual eyes?

How?

We're not talking to you.

Jeez. I didn't know you owned the restaurant.

This one's on me.

Oh, thank you, Peter, that's very generous.

[SIGHS]

- What? - Oh, I just can't...

Gosh, you seemed so good together.

Oh, well, you know, things happen. So...

But he was so funny and handsome and smart, successful.

What exactly was it about him you didn't like?

Uh, he...

He was...

It was, uh...

I don't know. I...

Well, uh, we all make mistakes.

[CELL PHONE RINGING "BUFFALO GALS"]

Oh, sorry, my... My kid always changes the ring, and, uh, I don't...

Ahh, it's a new phone and I'm not really sure where the thing...

Are you familiar with this model? Do you know where the off...?

I mean the on, but... Oh, wait, no, no, I think I have it.

This is... Yeah, never mind. I got it.

- Hello? MAN [O VER PHONE]: Christine?

Oh. Burton? Oh, hi, my gosh.

I was gonna call you but then I thought I shouldn't.

Are you okay? I'm so happy to hear from you.

- Oh, hi, Burton. - It's Richard.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know it's Richard.

But you said Burton.

Well, yes, because Richard Burton...

...and Elizabeth Taylor in Night of the Iguana.

Jeez, Richard. God.

- What's happening with you? - Um, I'm good, I'm good.

I'm enjoying my night alone. You should see this table they gave me.

It's just so big.

- How big is it? - It's so big that...

Yeah, I don't care.

- You don't sound good. - No, I'm good. I am. Oh, no.

I'm so... Excuse me? Hello?

Hello? No, no, no. I'm not finished eating yet.

You could just... Hey, hang on. Just a second, Richard.

Excuse me. Hi, I know we had a thing before.

But I'm just taking a call from my ex-husband.

Can you just watch this table here so they don't clear it?

No.

No? Did you just say no? That's very nice.

You're a very nice person. I am through with you.

If you could just keep an eye on my bag, I'd appreciate it.

Hi. Hi, Richard? I'm back.

Hi. I was talking to Christine and maybe it wasn't good that we took Ritchie tonight.

Richard, would you please stop talking to me...

...like I'm sort of a mental patient?

Okay... No, no, don't touch my bag. Yoo-hoo.

That's my bag. That's my bag. That's my bag.

Okay, you just stay where you are. I'm gonna bring Ritchie to you.

No, Richard, I don't have time for this, all right?

I'm fine. Enjoy your movie.

I'll see you tomorrow morning. Gosh.

Okay. All right, who took my bag?

Don't worry, we'll find your purse.

I'm sure the busboy cleared it when he took your salad plate.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't sit over there anymore.

You know, all that negative energy. I don't really need that right now.

Of course not. You've been through a lot.

No, but I really am okay alone. I really am.

We were only together for two months. I mean, two months, that's like nothing.

Mm-hm.

Kathy, now that I've found love, I'd be a fool to let it go.

Oh, my God.

I know it's only been two months...

...but I never wanna be alone again.

- I love you. - Ooh!

- Will you marry me? - Yes!

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[KATHY LAUGHING AND CRYING]

[CRYING]

Matthew. Ma...

Matthew.

- Here, is that enough? - Yeah. Thank you so much.

- Who stole your purse? - Ugh. I think it was the lamb eaters.

They were so mean. And they made "eyes" sound like "mind."

Here we go, tears and bad merlot. It's the crossing guard all over again.

Shut up.

I'm sad.

- Burton? - Yeah. How can I miss him so much?

God, I've been through a divorce. This should be nothing.

- You liked him more than you thought. - He wrecked me.

You know, I was perfectly fine all by myself for two years. I enjoyed it.

And then Burton comes along and it's like he...

...defrosted me, you know?

Now I'm like this melty...

...drippy, freezer-burnt mess.

Ah, Burton turned you into Mom's enchiladas.

How did this happen to me?

Matthew, I am the one who broke up with him.

Yeah, you mentioned that a couple of 700 times.

And then I was gonna call him, but l...

I can't figure out how to work this stupid phone.

They are complicated. You press "on."

You can't call him. You broke up with him for a reason.

- What was that reason? - You didn't love him.

Yeah, I don't love this either.

I know. Look, first night alone is always the hardest.

- But it's gonna get better. - Ugh. Whatever.

- You gonna be okay? - Yeah.

I'm just gonna drink my wine and pay the bill and go home.

- Okay. - Don't let this one get away.

- Courage. - Yeah.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hi. I know I shouldn't be calling, but, um...

[STAN SIGHS]

That was nice.

Yeah, it was.

Ahem. But, Stan, I need you to know something. Um...

Tonight was unusual for me. I was in a very vulnerable position.

I'll say. I thought your arm was gonna snap off. Ha-ha-ha.

Stan, please. Please, I just wanna be clear, all right?

Tonight was a one-time thing.

Well, technically, one and a half times.

But if you give me 15 minutes, I can give you a solid two.

No, that's okay. That's a very tempting offer.

But I do want you to know that I was having a hard time tonight...

...and you helped me get through it.

So I just wanna say thank you.

You're welcome.

- Can I tell people? - No, you may not.

Can I put it in the book?

Okay.

[ENGLISH SDH]