Original subtitles

LOL: LAST ONE LAUGHING SWEDEN

-Some melon? -I'll have some fucking melon.

-You were brilliant, I thought. -Really?

Yes, it was top notch.

Fuck.

-Wow. -A bit unexpected, right?

Here we go!

-We have a yellow card. -No.

Another one!

We'll have a look at the screen behind you. Have a look.

-You were brilliant, I thought. -Really?

Yes, it was top notch.

Top notch.

A double warning, ladies and gentlemen.

Henrik Dorsin and Petra Mede both.

An unmistakable double warning.

And Henrik's epic gesture to the cameras.

Yes. They're everywhere.

-How fun. -Thanks so much for that display.

One double laugh, one double warning. Let's go.

Okay, Eva!

It wasn't even a delighted smile, it was just a social smile.

-Let's buckle down. -Yes.

But Pia hasn't been cautioned.

Pia, David, Maria and Johan haven't been cautioned.

Right! Okay.

-What's happening? -We're back on.

-I'm gonna pull this. -Damn!

-Wow, Hampus. Great. -Before I get sent off.

-What timing. -It's time.

Can I sit next to you?

Hampus, your white card.

I'm down for the count. I've got a warning.

I'm balancing on a thin line. It's now or never to use the card.

Kristina said she wants to sit there.

I have registered her wish, and we'll refer it to...

-...anyone who cares. -Yes.

God, nice.

Hi, and welcome.

Everyone, take a mat, some earphones and sit up here.

Some kind of Bikram yoga?

I love yoga. It's like sleeping on your belly. Perfect.

Sit with some space between you, please.

Thrilling.

-Are you all comfortable? -Yes.

Hi, and welcome.

Shut your eyes.

My name is Janus.

I will now lead you through a guided meditation session.

Picture a beautiful summer day.

The sun shines and you're happy.

Picture a meadow. There's a cow.

And a man in rubber boots

and light-pink clothes.

Slosh, slosh...

He's got water in his boots.

I was so curious where this would go.

This sloshing and the cow and the meadow.

No, wait. Maybe they're not light-pink clothes.

Maybe he's naked.

But what's Bengt doing now?

With the cow?

Right in the middle of this lovely meadow,

he starts.

That's the second time I'm thinking, "I can't take it anymore."

-Just sit there. -It's clear that there might be

a trap somewhere in there.

On three, please open your eyes.

One, two, three.

This is very difficult.

So I'm thinking about awkward stuff.

Thank you for your attention.

Thanks.

-Well done! -Bravo!

-It was very good. -Shit, that's good.

-Great! -Go, Hampus. Well done.

Very good.

But what the hell?

Humorless bitches.

Give the boy a laugh!

Damn tough audience.

-Okay, it's time. -Wow!

For a journey to remember.

-One after the other. -Indeed. I'll roll up my mat.

Suddenly the whole room turns into some kind of talent show.

One performance after the other. Everyone pull out their white card.

Like they think, "Time is up. I must have a go."

White card. Let's see.

It's time for "rap attack motherfucker."

Freestyle rap!

As many of you know, I'm more talented than most people.

-One talent of mine is rap. -Really?

-Yes. Good. -Great.

I want each of you to give me a word to rap about.

-Let's start with you, Keyyo. -Human rights.

Human rights.

-Food onion. -Food onion.

When peeling an orange, the white bit that you want to remove.

-What's it called? -Pulp, perhaps.

-No, you want that bit. -Dross.

-Dross. Henrik Dorsin? -The social insurance agency.

-You just can't help going... -Just a little bit of politics.

-Mother. -Sorry.

-Some gangster theme. -Yeah, really.

-My poodle. -Your poodle?

-Or my poodle? -Your poodle.

-I'll write my poodle. -Your poodle, bitch.

What about Mr. c/o Segemyhr?

-Two-component glue. -Two-component glue. What's that?

-It's just that. -Okay.

What's this? Not easy at all. Far too many syllables.

Not easy for him to rap about.

-Last, but not least. -Monthly rent.

Epoxy glue is also fine.

Two-component glue it is. Okay.

-Impressive if you can do it. -Are you on?

Okay.

I like going to fights.

I work on TV, have no human rights.

My crowd knows what's going on.

I like hamburger with food onion.

That rocked, thanks to us.

I peeled my orange, got a lot of dross.

I know you think you are free.

But unlike you, I don't go to the social insurance agency.

I don't think you understand. Mother, I wanna say sorry to you and no other.

David Batra likes to doodle.

Sometimes he looks like my poodle.

I know how this all ends.

If you want to glue, you'll need two components.

My time here was well spent. The interest rate went up,

and so did my apartment rent.

God, that's great! I'm super impressed.

-Wow, great! -Wait, I'm not done.

-Okay, are you ready? -Yes!

-Are you ready? -We're ready!

Welcome to this hilarious segment.

Many here peaked in The Parliament.

But not you, Keyyo. You're very wise.

The only one to lose out on Let's Dance twice.

Then there's Hampus. It's your time to impress.

But without Johanna, her and Kristina, I guess,

you're just not funny. This will hurt, you know,

but you're great when you have a pretty woman on your show.

Then there's Batra Boy, you give us no joy.

Though Johan Glans' shadow is a nice ploy.

Then there's Henrik, whose specialty

is making Ove Sundberg so close to reality.

And then there's Pia-Petra. Do you like the approach?

You weren't funny without a tip from the coach.

My rap is through, I'll leave this with you.

I'd have rapped more, but it's such a chore.

Thanks very much.

-Wow. -Oh, my.

Anis!

-Who laughed? -I mean...

Bravo!

-It was good. -Indeed.

What a hero, Anis. Thanks so much!

It's the delivery.

And it's brave to roast and throw pies at your pals.

Good, funny.

Listen up! We have a caution.

-Let's see it. -No.

My rap is through, I'll leave this with you.

I'd have rapped more, but it's such a chore.

-Per! Sorry, it's a smile. -I didn't even think...

Per gets a red card. Give it up for Per!

Come with me. No one's happier than me.

Finally, I'll have company.

Oh, my dear.

-Per Fritzell! -Yep.

I don't know if he got the idea.

Somewhere along, I don't know which part of the rap,

he starts cheering, laughing and applauding.

Which is really sweet. But sadly, I got him eliminated.

But is this what life's about, not laughing?

I wonder.

Here's where we stay, dear. Come, sit in the sofa.

-Over here? -Yes. You...

As my first buddy, you get the honor of pressing the green button.

All right, we're rolling!

-Yeah? No? -Where's my glass?

It's happening.

Oh, how sweet. Wonderful. Great.

-You're so sweet. -And a nightcap.

-Too tight? -No, it's fine.

No, what the hell are they up to over there?

Whoops.

Whoops.

Sorry.

I got...

Shoot me.

Hampus? How are you doing?

I'm doing just fine over here, thanks.

Oh, sorry.

Hampus loves Maria, and that's dangerous.

-Yes. -It's dangerous.

Shoot me.

Does anyone want to hear a little cheese joke?

-Yes. -Unless it's bad.

I don't quite know if it will work.

Give it a shot.

Brie, that's a funny name, right?

It's a mellow French cheese,

or an 80's popstar.

Madonna Prince Brie.

Well... A bit weak, maybe.

-Do you have any more? -Yes.

Do you know why goat cheese is popular for breakfast?

It's perfect if you're not "cheap."

Sometimes, when standing next to a comedian who you know makes you laugh,

you'd better run.

-Use that one. -It was really funny.

What did the cheese say to the tourist asking for directions?

Will you gouda?

Now I see, gouda cheese. I read it wrong.

-Go there? Gouda? -That one's hard, I think.

-Not a success. -I thought it was funny.

Can anyone help me out?

-Hampus? -You want me do into that trap?

Henrik, I'm sort of stuck.

-Take that one, please. -Could you please...

My coat got stuck.

Yes. You know what? We'll need to fold it up.

Oh?

I'm sitting here, 'cause it feels safe.

I'm gonna laugh soon, 'cause I'm getting sleepy.

-Why the nightcap? -It's Henrik's nightcap.

We're all starting to act crazy... Like, where are we?

-Trotter? -No, thanks.

-I think I'll get loose here. -Do you?

Maria was lying on the floor, caught in a chair and needing help,

but I was all caught up with my pig's trotter.

Trotter?

You know what they call Greeks with a high BMI?

-No. -Fatsos.

-Feta. -Cheese!

Trotter?

-No, thanks. -You hear that, Hampus?

Hampus? Will you come and give Henrik a hand?

There's Hampus for you.

-Hampus! -Hampus!

-God. -Trotter?

-Hampus. Hampus! -I'm coming!

All right. Now!

Why me all the time? It can't just be Hampus all the time.

Trotter?

-Does it contain nitrite? What is it? -It's a trotter.

Ouch. You ordered sausages, right?

-No, I have a trotter. -David, an idea.

-Yes? -David, hold the sausage like this.

At the middle, on each side. I'll karate-kick it. Ready?

-Careful now. -Do you think I can do it?

Yes. Oh, sorry. You hit my hand.

-What happened? -I got something in my eye.

I see.

-Shall I take a look? -No, I lost my lens, that's all.

You go up there, and I'll hold on here?

-Damn it, I'm panicking! -Hampus! Damn it!

I got nowhere to go.

Hampus!

Hi.

You were great, I thought.

And you. In every way.

I'll make you a little meme.

Here's Pia Johansson in some sort of half-naked outfit.

Here's a balloon. Oh, I'm flying away.

-Now I'm going down a stairway. -Okay.

How do I make him laugh? What gets him going? Or not.

I'm your dream girl.

Then she started making passes, which is hilarious.

I'm so hot for you. Oh, so hot.

Come on, let's rap together.

I wanna rap with you. Rappi-rappi-rap.

Anis! You're the aniseed of my life. Let me be your fennel.

Sort of like a daycare center.

It's the same kind of crazy impulses

as in a daycare center.

I want to be a little fennel together with you.

Look, the comeuppance.

You want to hose me down.

Sorry, exactly what is going on right now?

-I see you, Henrik. -I see you. Now it's better.

-It's better. -Much better.

It's getting crazier.

It's a wonderful chaos. Lovely chaos.

Here's a moment where I might crack up,

'cause I have a bird's-eye view of it all,

and see how silly it all is.

It feels good now, right? It's very nice.

Here it goes!

Henrik may have expired.

Just think, Anis, what a life we could have together.

More.

I'm at my wit's end.

Everyone just lost it. Now we're all running amuck.

Squirt!

-What's happening now? -It could be anybody.

I was a goner, Maria, when you got yourself entangled in the lamp. Crazy.

I almost lost it.

We've gone over the edge now.

Thanks for being with me.

But, no.

-We have an infraction. -A red card.

I won't say what, but we have an infraction.

You will see on the screen what's been happening.

No...

I'm your dream girl.

-Your absolute dream girl. -No!

Yes, I am.

I'm your dream girl.

I knew it.

We got a glimpse there.

Anis.

-Anis will join Per and me. -Good job. Great.

-I defeated Anis. -Thank you.

-Very good. -Bravo. Go, Anis.

Thank you all.

-What a downer. -I love Pia. She's incredible.

There's no shame 'cause we're dealing with Pia Johansson.

Kryptonite.

Yes, indeed. Anis!

-I thought you would make it to the end. -I got targeted by Pia.

So, friends. Let's roll. Are you ready?

-Let's roll. -Henrik, you wanna do something?

-I thought we would play a game. -I'll draw this one.

-Now he's... -I'm drawing this.

-You are? -Yes, I am.

David is drawing a white card. Good.

David!

Listen up, everyone.

-We're up for a little show. -It's showtime.

A show. Oh, there's danger now. David is very dangerous.

Okay, we're all gathered here. As you know, I'm a stand-up comedian.

-Are you? -Which can be awkward

in a setting where you're not supposed to laugh.

He's dangerous to me. A master of deadpan humor.

So I'll... Let's see here. I phoned a buddy of mine

to get some more laughs. So he sent me a movie.

God, we haven't seen those in a while. VHS, old-time TV.

-Like in school, rolling it in. -This could be dangerous.

Let's create a club atmosphere. A stand-up club. Are you with me?

So here I am. Hello, everybody!

-Hi! -Welcome to stand-up!

So, what's this gang?

A swinger's club, or...

Is it a swinger's club, or...

I took a cab here, and when I was gonna pay...

Very clever with his unsure look, when he's out of sync.

That's where Batra gets me.

I said to him, "Do you take credit cards? I'm no fucking photographer."

He said to me.

Then...

Why is it a VHS?

Why is it on a VHS?

When travel by plane, you get dinner. I usually say "airplane food."

When was a VHS last used?

Why did David Batra bring a VHS-player?

I say, "Surely, the airplane goes on gas?"

Airplanes don't go on food.

No, it's okay. I'm not doing anything important.

What's up? No, the outboard engine is acting up.

Then he starts talking about some damn boat engine.

But we sorted it out. A bolt that shattered.

Thank you. You were a lovely audience.

-Great work. Really great. -Thanks.

I want to laugh.

I'm learning a lot about humor today.

Humor that isn't at all funny, but that sort of becomes funny.

How about playing a game while sitting down?

Yes, I know a game.

Now, it's time for a parlor game.

Let's have some fun together.

I haven't done this in a long time, but we played it in my family.

-Wonderful. Great. -For many years.

When we're all this tight,

it feels like you could be married to anybody.

-Yes. -Who here hooked up one time or another?

Silence all of a sudden.

People hook up in this business.

Someone hooked up after shooting The Parliament or a business gig in Onsala

or something, I thought.

Do you mean today, or...

-We've all been active, I guess. -Together?

Things happen in show business.

My memory deteriorates with age. I'm not really sure.

Pia and I may very well have hooked up.

-I don't recall. -We don't have any kids together, anyway.

-Not that I know of. -Let's hear about the game.

-Johan, I'm curious. -It's called Plop in the Pot.

-Why, that's fondue. -Yes, it's...

-It is. -Yes, it is.

-And those are the rules? -Yes.

So this game has been in your family, you say?

Plop in the Pot is really an old game we used to play.

We usually do it once a year, when we get together.

At Christmas or so. That's when...

It's a bit... I can...

You'll see for yourselves.

-Can you... -Roll the dice?

-Two. -This plop goes into...

-So it's called Plop in the Pot. -Plop in the Pot?

So these are unimportant?

I feel this is important to Johan. It's his game.

It's personal to him.

I can do like that, can't I?

-Okay, so you're the Big Hat. -I'm the Big Hat.

-And you put this in your mouth. -Okay.

I don't get how these are supposed to plop.

God, what a strange game.

You can take a little hole.

And then you... We can do like this instead.

-You put it like that. -So what's the game?

-Yes, then you... -What's the game?

'Cause then you're supposed to...

-You're supposed to find... -You're making this up.

No, I'm not. It's been awhile.

I'm convinced this is real. It all seems logical.

Then I think, "Am I being fooled here?"

Can I see the rules?

Yes, the one with the Big Hat

also keeps the lightbulb in their mouth.

-Nothing strange. -Just let me read.

Rules. Exclamation mark. But...

We don't even know what's it about. But here it is.

"Don't forget that each time a participant makes a start,

-it's a restart"? -Yes!

It's a restart. Restart.

Then I tried to read the instructions, and they're all over the place

and I got it. I felt kind of stupid for actually buying it at first.

2B: "Some of the participants are sitting down, but some

-"are standing up." -Maybe you should stand up?

Yes, you stand up, you remain seated. I'll stand.

Start. Why, this is so terribly funny right now.

-This is hilarious. -Let's forget about the whole thing!

-No! -But you don't enjoy it!

-No one is taking this seriously! -Well, check this out!

Then what is this?

-Is it for real, or a joke? -"Is the game for real?"

I don't understand the question.

Is this game for real? Real, how?

-God, Henrik. You're dribbling. -What?

-You're dribbling. -What's that?

-What's that? Dribbling? -Drooling.

Dribbling? Like I should know what that is?

Is it, "You're out dribbling"? You're out "dribbling."

-Johan, can I take this out now? -Yes, of course.

I couldn't handle this.

-Did I win? -Yes, you won.

-I won. -Yes, you won.

Do you have a condom in your mouth?

No, I shouldn't have said anything to her.

It's just a condom. There's nothing in it.

Why, this is terrible.

Even though I'm overpaid for this. I can't...

I won't be able to be with my family any more.

I can't look at Maria Lundqvist, even though I love her.

She's so incredibly provoking. I'm so close. And that condom...

The smell we're all familiar with.

Okay, I'm in deep shit here.

No, please... And now here's Pia.

This will not end well.

What a strange smell over here.

-Pile of shit. -I didn't smile.

-Small pile of shit. -David!

I can't look at Maria. What's she doing?

That's my cue to leave.

My maracas. Watch, maracas.

No, you can't hide your face. Shit!

-I'm pulling out my white card. -Oh, white card pulled.

No, Henrik is doing his card.

-Dorsin. -Fuck!

COMING UP

Hi, guys!

You shouldn't steal other people's lines.

We have to hide the body, don't you see?

Here's pizza and stuff.

Here's Björn Ranelid's chest-hairs.

-It's gonna rain. -What's up, man?

No, wait a minute, Per.