All language subtitles for The.Office.UK.S01E03.The.Quiz.720p.WEB-DL.x264-Pahe.li

(HOOVER HUMMING)
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TIM: I'm 30 today.
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My mum got me up really early this morning to give me my present.
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Yeah, this is it, actually. It's nice.
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I'm into... I like ballet. I love the novels of Proust.
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I love the work of Alain Delon.
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And that's, I think, what influenced her into buying me Hat FM.
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I like the radio, too.
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Nah, it's all right. It's all right. I think it's quite a sweet present.
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I have to make sure Finchy gets here on time for the quiz tonight.
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7:00 on the dot.
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Six... Six years in a row. Winners.
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So, er... You know...
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Finchy! Brent. All right?
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Don't forget tonight. Oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on.
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What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Don't know.
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Winnie Mandela? Oh, yeah, that's good.
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No, it's not racist. I thought the column because he's... Yeah.
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And she is black, and she's married. It's not even low.
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Yeah, 7:00. See you. Bye.
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What you doing in so early? Shit the bed?
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(LAUGHS) No. I haven't done that for weeks.
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No, my mum got me up at quarter to seven to give me a birthday present.
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-Happy birthday. -Thank you.
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What did she get you?
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Something you can wear.
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-The hat? -The hat, yes. Well done, yeah.
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Hiya. All right?
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-Happy birthday. -Thank you very much.
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Ta.
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-Oh, yeah. -Nice hat.
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Thanks.
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Um, good. That's all in order.
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"What's the difference between your wages and your penis?
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"I can find you lots of women who will blow your wages."
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-What's that? -(LAUGHS) I don't know.
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Why has that happened?
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Lock up your daughters, as they say.
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-Finch is on his way in for the quiz. -Oh, yeah?
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Chris Finch. Innit, Gareth?
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-Yeah. -Isn't he? Oh.
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Keep it that way and you'll only be able to use about 20% of it
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when you get me and him together!
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Gareth, innit?
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Hat.
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-It's Tim's birthday. -Oh, yeah?
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To be honest, I think you're mad to let me and Finchy on the bleeding telly!
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We're like Morecambe and Wise when we get together.
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Actually, not Morecambe and Wise, because there's no straight man,
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so there's no dead wood.
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So, um... I'm more sort of character based, and he's more of a gag man.
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I do gags as well.
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But I mean, good together, by now.
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We sort of read each other's minds when we're doing a bit of stick.
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We just start cracking up, and people watching go, "Why is that funny?"
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We tell them why and they go, "Oh, yeah. You are the best."
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It's their opinion.
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-Happy birthday, by the way. -Thank you.
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-Which one is it? -It's 30.
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The big 3-0. That's the worst one, isn't it?
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I know what you're thinking, "My youth's over."
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I remember when I was 30, like you, I was going,
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"Ooh, I'm in a rubbish job. My life's rubbish.
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"Nothing good ever happens to me. When will it change?"
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But, you know...
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-Things do change. -Mmm.
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And it could be worse. There's a neighbour of mine, Kelvin.
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He's 32 and he still lives with his parents.
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-I live with my parents. -Cherish them. Really.
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Because you will miss them when they're not around.
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Both, um... Both of mine are dead.
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-Oh. -So, er...
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Dad isn't dead. He's in a home.
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So as good as. Shot to bits. He was... Oh, God.
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Called out the other night, 3:00 am by the nurses.
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He was convinced there was a Japanese sniper on the roof of Debenhams.
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Does that look into his room?
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The back of the roof looks directly into his room, yeah.
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Good spot. It's a good spot.
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That's where I'd be if I had to take someone out that lived there.
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And I had to go up to the room with him, and go,
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"Look, Dad, there's no Japanese sniper."
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-So, who was it? Who was up there? -DAVID: No one was there.
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It was his imagination. There was no one there.
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GARETH: Lucky. That's lucky.
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'Cause if there was a sniper up there, you wouldn't see him.
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You'd be like, "Oh. Oh. No one there."
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(IMITATING GUNSHOT AND SPLATTER)
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Anyway, he is a vegetable now.
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And that's something we've all got to look forward to, so...
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Happy birthday.
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See you later.
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Wotcha.
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Shall we get him over here?
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Tim? Got you a pressie.
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-Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you. -Happy birthday, mate.
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Thanks very much, Lee. You're a good man.
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This is exciting.
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This is big. Big and exciting.
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It's a big, exciting, huge inflatable cock. God!
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-You can sit on that if you like. -Yay.
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It's not just from me, mate, it's from Dawn as well.
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God! You haven't got one already, have you?
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Um, no. You can never have too many, anyway.
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And you do prefer it to the money?
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Yeah. I'd have only spent it on a huge inflatable cock.
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-That is... -(DAVID LAUGHING)
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All right. Stop playing with it! Did you get him that?
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Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that.
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Let's have a little... Doink, doink!
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Ex-sperminate!
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(LAUGHING)
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Oh, no, no.
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"Hello, Austin Powers. I'm the naked Mini Me."
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I've got one. Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town!
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Dickhead.
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Ringo Starr. Whose Line Is It Anyway?
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Don't grab it unless you've got one ready because it slows it down.
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Oh, that is brilliant.
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-Happy birthday. -Thank you.
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Remember, you're only as old as the woman you feel.
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-I say that sometimes. -I heard you say it the other day
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and I thought, "He's using one of my catchphrases."
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I don't mind influencing a young comedian.
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You're not a comedian.
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But, I usually credit somebody if I use their comedy.
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-What ones of yours do I use? -"Same shit, different day."
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That's mine. "Ex-squeeze me", instead of "excuse me".
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-Oh, "wank you very much". -Yeah. I invented that one.
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Say that to a waiter or something. Wank you very much!
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And here's one. Witnesses that I started this one.
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If someone's unlucky, you go, "I'm not saying he's unlucky,
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"but if he fell into a barrel full of tits,
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"he'd come up sucking his own thumb." Bit naughty.
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Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobs.
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Do ya? (LAUGHS)
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Got you!
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They're cracking up.
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Oh, God.
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Yeah. There are limits to my comedy.
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There are things I will never laugh at.
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Um...the handicapped.
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Because there's nothing funny about them.
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Or any deformity.
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Yeah? Um...
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It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go,
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"Oh, look at him. He's not able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced."
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Yeah?
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Well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded.
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Unless he's not. It's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.
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So just give generously to all of them.
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Guys? Don't forget to say happy birthday to Tim today.
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And, also, we'll be going out for drinks later this evening.
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-What time? -Not tonight.
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-Why? -Quiz.
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Well, we can go out before. When does it start?
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-7:00. Always. -Okay. Drinks at 6:00, then.
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-Did you get him a gift? -No. But it starts at 7:00.
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I know. Well, okay. Drinks at 6:00.
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-Shall I get him a card from you? -Whatever.
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Finch is coming down, so got to be ready to go at 7:00.
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-Drinks at 6:00. -But starts at 7:00.
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DAWN: Drinks at 6:00.
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Studying? Quiz. Are you a team again?
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-Just three of you, is it? -Yeah.
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-Are you excited? First big quiz? -Looking forward to it.
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It's not the first, though.
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I, er, was on Blockbusters.
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-What, on the telly? -Yeah.
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-Yeah? -Uh-huh.
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Were you one of the two, or by yourself?
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If there's two of you, it's cheating.
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-Yeah. Just one. -Just one.
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Did you win anything or...
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Yeah. Two Gold Runs. Camping equipment, Walkman.
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-I usually get five, to be honest. -Five Gold Runs?
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But you know you have to answer loads of questions before...
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-Yeah, I do. -You get them all?
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Give me one of the ones you had. Fingers on the buzzers.
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Um... Okay.
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Right. Which Y was... Which Y had a hit single with The Only Way Is Up
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-and sang with Plastic Population? -Yazoo!
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-Yazz. -Yep.
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-You said Yazoo, which... -I know.
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What's your cut-off point, though? Yazz.
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But you said Yazoo first.
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You would've got it wrong on Blockbusters.
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I wouldn't have said it on Blockbusters.
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You'd have been all right, then.
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I'll give you one. A proper one. Um...
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-Do you want a hand? -No, no.
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-Are you getting it? -Yeah. A tiny bit loud.
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-Sorry. -Can I have this when you've finished?
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-Yeah, you can have it. -When will you be finished?
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I don't know. Maybe we could share it.
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-Okay. I'll just have it on weekends! -Okay.
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-Is this going to take... -No, it was going to be what D
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and the answer was going to be Dostoyevsky.
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-I couldn't think of the question. -All right. Okay. Well...
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What D was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel Crime and Punishment?
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-Would you have got that? -I'd have had a guess.
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You don't get prizes for guessing.
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Unlucky. See you later.
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(EXHALES)
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You can't come in here. Quiz officials only.
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TIM: What are you doing?
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I'm the quizmaster and I'm doing the questions.
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Get out now, or I'll report you. Simple as that.
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-Are these the questions? -Yeah, do not look at those! Right.
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Disqualification. You're both disqualified.
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Um, Gareth, we're having an argument. We need your help.
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-Not interested. -No, listen. 'Cause you can help.
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No, I don't want to help. I haven't got time to help, all right?
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-Right. It's about the army. -Go on, then, quick.
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I was wondering if a military man like you,
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a soldier,
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could you give a man a lethal blow?
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If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary.
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If he was attacking me.
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If he was coming really hard.
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Yeah. If my life was in danger, yeah.
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And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke,
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or could you take a man from behind?
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-Either way is easy. -Either way.
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And so you could do a man from behind?
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-Yeah. -Yeah. Lovely.
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It's got an error, an offline error 324.
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So I'm going to have to take the paper out.
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That comes out.
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-Hiya. -Hiya.
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Do you know about these? I'm trying to fix this.
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It's got an offline 243 error that I just...
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-No. -I don't really know what that is so...
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You know, we were talking earlier about Dostoyevsky, weren't we?
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-Oh, yeah? -Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky.
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-Born 1821. Died 1881. -That's right.
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Just interesting that stuff about him
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being exiled in Siberia for four years, wasn't it?
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Well, I don't know much about that. I didn't cover it, really.
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All it is is he was a member of a secret political party
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and they put him in a Siberian labour camp for four years,
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so, you know.
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Hang on. I read about it in, er...
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He wrote House of the Dead.
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I think he put all his memoirs in that.
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Didn't he?
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Yep.
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Oh.
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So, you've dug your foxhole and you've pitched your tent.
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-GARETH: Right. -They've discovered your camp,
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and you're lying there, and they've caught you with your trousers down,
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and they've all entered your hole without you knowing.
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No, because I'd be ready for them.
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You'd just be lying there waiting for it?
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Yeah. Well, no. What's more likely is that I wouldn't be there
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if I knew they knew where I was.
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I'd be hiding, watching the hole, using it as a trap.
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-So, you'd be using your hole as bait? -Yeah.
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You're how old? 30? And you're getting off on pretending Gareth's gay.
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-What? -What?
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I think she's been on the waccy baccy!
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Yeah.
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Oh. Wassup.
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It's very complicated. You open that, put that in there,
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put that down there, and you...
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-Hiya. -...push the green button.
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Were we talking earlier about Dostoyevsky's House of the Dead?
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-Yeah. I think we mentioned it. -Which he wrote in 1862.
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I was just going to say that it wasn't his first major work.
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Wasn't it?
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No. His first major work was Notes from the Underground,
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which he wrote when he got back to St Petersburg in 1859.
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-Really? -Yep. Definitely.
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Well, of course, my favourite is The Raw Youth.
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It's basically where Dostoyevsky goes on to explain
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how science can't really find answers for the deeper human need.
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Yeah. He does.
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Yeah.
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Whatever happens, it ain't going to be a flashy wedding.
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-Heaven forbid. -No.
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Yeah, it'll just be a registry office. Save money.
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Then what we'll probably do is move in with me mum for a few months.
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-Save on rent? -Yeah.
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Let Dawn get a few kiddies under her belt.
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Which'll be nice because then my mum can look after them.
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You'll probably go out and get a part-time cleaning job or something.
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Got to dream the dream.
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(TIM LAUGHING)
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What's that?
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I was just laughing at what Dawn said.
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-'Cause you're such a big high flyer. -No.
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I was laughing at her joke, that's all.
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When you get a life, mate, you can take the mickey out of ours.
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-I'm not having a go, I'm just... -No, listen, mate.
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I don't mean to have a go at you. You're fine. No worries.
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-We've all had a coffee. -No worries.
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Is it questions? Is it an intro? What I'm saying is...
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Oi! Finchy!
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Tell me, man. When's it due?
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Here we go. Fasten your seatbelts.
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There's not a seatbelt big enough for you, you fat bastard.
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All bought and paid for, innit?
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I'm not saying he's fat, but when he jumps in the air, he gets stuck.
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"I'm David Brent. I'm David Brent."
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Jim Carrey on acid!
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You know what they say, there's none so queer as folk,
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-or David Brent. -Oh, speak to yourself...
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Spit it out, as your boyfriend said last night!
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I was just going to say that back to you.
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Yeah. But, I don't have a boyfriend, you do.
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-Can't get a bloody word in edgeways! -Can't get a what in edgeways?
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-Ooh, matron! -Come on, then, fat lad.
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Oh, that, we're always...
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Oh, God. Finchy.
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Come and check out the opposition.
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-Yeah, uh, Ricky, this is Chris. -Hello, mate.
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I'm Chris Finch. I heard about Blockbusters.
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You'll need more than that tonight. I heard about your Dostoyevsky.
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I read a book a week, so a question like that's not going to catch me out.
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While you're down there, love...
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Close to the bone but harmless, innit?
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Christ. Give me half hour with her, I'll be up to my nuts in guts.
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Sorry. Exactly which books do you read every week?
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Science. Science and nature.
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Everything on the Trivia board. All those different subjects.
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In books.
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These lot sound like they haven't read a book between them!
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-College boys. -Bloody students. Waste of space.
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"Oh, I don't do anything all day, but I need more money to do it."
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(LAUGHS) Political.
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Yeah. I had a job when I was studying, so...
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Yeah, right! And what was your job?
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Professor in charge of watching Countdown every day?
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He's clever and funny. I bloody hate him.
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That's why we get on, really, innit?
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Similar.
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(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
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Can I have everyone's attention, please?
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Welcome to the seventh annual Wernham Hogg quiz night.
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Current champions are this team here, The Dead Parrots.
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-Fit enough to fly. -He sleeps.
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If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he would be
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-pushing up the daisies! -Pushing up the daisies!
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Monty Python.
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-Question one. All right... -Hang on.
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David, we haven't...
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Oh, yeah. Tim's birthday today.
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He's 30 years young, as I always say.
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(APPLAUSE)
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So what better way to celebrate than a battle of wits?
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Speech!
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GARETH: Okay. Question one.
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In the mid-1960s,
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the US Army replaced all existing infantry guns
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with the M-16 rifle and which fixed-rate, repeat-fire machine gun?
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-You what? -Write the answer if you know it.
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Next.
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DAVID: We've been quiz champions for six years now.
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We nearly lost it two years ago, unjustly.
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Because Gareth was quizmaster then and the question was,
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what type of alien is Mr Spock?
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Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect.
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Mr Spock is half-Vulcan, half-human, okay?
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And Gareth went, "Oh, look, everyone gets one point,"
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but I said, "No, everyone does not get one point.
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"Carpet Munchers don't get a point, Dr Wankenstein doesn't.
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"Steven Hawkings' Football Boots don't get a point. I do."
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I had to go home to get a book to prove it.
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They went, "Oh, yeah, you're right. Well done. You've won. Sorry."
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No apologies necessary. Let's get on with the quiz but...
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Remember. Learn.
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Okay, question two.
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In the song 19 by Paul Hardcastle,
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he told us that the average age of a soldier in the Vietnam War was 19.
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Hardcastle also told us the average age of a soldier
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in the Second World War.
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What was it?
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Gareth, are all these going to be about war?
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No. I got loads of...
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I got one on tennis, one on the Suez Canal. Loads.
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Okay. Question three.
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Which canal links the Mediterranean with the Red Sea?
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Oh, I don't want to talk about Mr Spock. That was all sorted out then.
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Questions were asked. Certain parties weren't happy.
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The questions were solved. End of discussion.
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All right? Don't rake up old graves.
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I don't want to go through all that again
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about whether he's a Vulcan or a human or vice versa.
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All I will say is what I said at the time. Okay?
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Look at his ears.
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How could you confuse Howard Jones with Nik Kershaw? Shame on you.
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Nik Kershaw's the little bloke...
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Howard Jones was the one with the...
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That whole round's about old entertainment.
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It's about old entertainment.
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It's all about late '60s, early '70s.
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-Which insect produces gossamer? -Shh! Come on, man.
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-Which insect produces gossamer? -DAVID: What is it?
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-I want you to answer, Finchy! -What is it?
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It's a spider.
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A spider is an arachnid, not an insect.
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-Ha, yes! -Six legs or eight legs?
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-Thank you. Am I right? -Two out.
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DAVID: Shame on you.
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Ha! Eight legs, six legs. Eight legs, six legs.
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You just need to spend a few terms at the university of life.
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A spider is not an insect officially. Thank you.
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RICKY: We'll see, we'll see. We'll see when this is over.
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People go, "Why is it important, a question about Mr Spock?"
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I go, "It's like saying, I've got a new pedigree dog breed.
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"It's half Alsatian, half Labrador."
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I go along to Crufts, I go, "Can I enter this dog in the Labrador section?"
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"No." "Why?" "Because it's not a Labrador." "Correct."
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"Can I enter it in the Alsatian section?" "No. For the same reasons.
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"Now, get that dog out of my sight."
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"Thanks, I will. You've proved my point."
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And that's Crufts. All right?
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Who had a hit single with Don't Speak?
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No Doubt. Yeah. I thought it might be No Doubt.
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Why did you say Four Non Blondes, then?
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I got Hootie the Blowfish, so let's move on.
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East... East Side.
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Oi.
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-I didn't know. -You do know.
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Didn't know.
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-Missed. -Did I?
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I said No Doubt. That was the first thing that came in.
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And then you're putting this thing in my mind.
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Poison with your bloody Four Non Blondes.
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-Eh? -Both good groups.
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Just don't guess. Think. Logical. Think.
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There's no logic to music, it's art.
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-God! -Is this the first time you've lost?
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We're not losing. The right questions aren't coming up.
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It's the whole point of a quiz, isn't it? Isn't it supposed to be random?
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Yeah, well, randomly awful.
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-Next time, I'll choose the questions. -Good quizmaster.
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-Choose a topic. -All right. Sport.
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-What's the capital of Iceland? -Reykjavik.
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-Is that still a sport? -All right. You. Capital of Borneo?
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-Don't care. -See? It doesn't have one.
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-You didn't get any of those, did you? -(MOBILE RINGS)
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-And they were random, yeah. -It wasn't really random.
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DAVID: Hello, Doctor.
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He's asking after me?
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No. There's no way I can get away now. I am snowed under at work.
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Can't you give him something to help him sleep?
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Okay. Yeah.
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Okay. Thanks. Oh...
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You don't know who sang In the Summertime do you?
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Mungo Jerry. Okay. Yep, yep. Cheers.
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All right, yeah. Ha ha! Very funny.
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Do you want to hear the results or not?
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Okay. In position number four, Universally Challenged.
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Third place goes to...
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Malcolm and Dennis!
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Er, which means that... Well...
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It's a dead heat between the Dead Parrots and The Tits.
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So tie-breaker situation.
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Could you send one member of each of your teams up for a tie-breaker?
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All right. Come and stand here. Tie-breaker question. Are you ready?
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First person to shout out the correct answer wins.
.

All right? So, if you're ready.
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Which Shakespeare play features a character called Caliban?
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-Macbeth. -GARETH: No. Ricky?
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-Midsummer Night's Dream. Hamlet. -No. You've had your go.
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No. You said the first person to shout out the answer wins.
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You didn't say you only had one chance.
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-The Tempest. -The Tempest. He's got it!
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There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners.
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That's Blockbusters!
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(ALL CHEERING)
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You didn't say you only had one go.
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You said the first person to shout out the answer wins, yeah?
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The first person. That's my point.
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Here he is. Chris Finch. Is it Hamlet or is it Macbeth?
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Maybe I'll write the questions next time and you can have this fat bastard.
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-Banter. -No, it's not banter.
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-It's not banter, not now. -Okay. When we had the question,
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"Name the Cuban leader who's been in power since the revolution in 1959."
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-Fidel Castro. -You know it now. But what did you say?
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-It's in that situation... -Tell them. What did you say then?
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What did you say then? Go on.
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Who's the Cuban leader?
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-Fray Bentos. -(MAN LAUGHS)
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No wonder this place is going down the pan. You're a waste of space.
.

Hey, don't get at him just 'cause they beat you.
.

-They beat me? -Yes.
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I could give you a list of 50 things I could beat them at.
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-Like what? -Like throwing.
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Throwing. No. That's good.
.

The landlord of the Lamb Pub in Chichester
.

challenges me to throw one of these copper kettles over his pub.
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So I go outside, take off my tie, tie it to the handle. (WHISTLES)
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Did it go over?
.

(WHISTLES AND IMITATES CRASHING)
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Obviously. That's actually an official Territorial Army method
.

if you're in the jungle.
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Except you wouldn't use a tie obviously, you'd use vines from the trees.
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-DAWN: Would you use a kettle? -No, it'd be the equivalent. Coconut.
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I will throw anything that you choose over this building.
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-If I do it, we win the quiz. -New challenge.
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-Double or quits. -It's a challenge.
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So you choose anything, if he can throw it over,
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we've won the champagne, and that it. That's the real quiz.
.

That's the real quiz. Choose one thing.
.

You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?
.

Oh, they're sad little men?
.

He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?
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Do you want a challenge or not?
.

If I do it, we win the quiz, we win the prize.
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-That's the real quiz. -Now, you choose something.
.

-Choose something. -(ALL CLAMOURING)
.

-A chair? -No, not a chair.
.

-Throw Gareth over. -No, seriously...
.

How about the birthday boy? Throw him over.
.

-Throw his shoes over. -His shoes.
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-TIM: No, no! -(ALL CLAMOUR NOISILY)
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It's just a challenge.
.

Tickle him! Tickle him! Tickle him!
.

Can I have it back? Oi!
.

-Using the tie method? -Oh, no. The shoelaces.
.

-He's using the laces. -Bastard! I knew he would!
.

-DAVID: Typical. That'll work! -So, Finch...
.

-Thank you very much... -You'll get it back.
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(ALL CLAMOURING)
.

RICKY: How are we going to know if it goes over?
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-What? -How're we gonna know if it goes over?
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Go and check if it goes over. Sussed. Go on.
.

Right. Here we go.
.

Two and three and four...
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-Hooray! -Oh, yes!
.

Looking good.
.

-Come on now. -RICKY: Did it go over?
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DAVID: Did it go over? SHEILA: Yeah. It came right past me.
.

(ALL CHEERING)
.

-The Wonder Horse! -Screw Blockbusters!
.

Screw Bob Holness and screw your Gold Run.
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-You're right. I'm a loser. I'm a loser. -You're shit, you're shit!
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-That's the boss. -Yes, I am the boss.
.

Like Springsteen. Born to run. The Slough branch.
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Your university education didn't help you there, did it?
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Now, let that be a lesson to you.
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Respect your elders and do not fuck with the big boys.
.

-Life! Life! -Chuck his hat over.
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No, don't! It's a radio as well.
.

(DAVID IMITATING GUITAR SOLO)
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DAVID: What an office. What an office!
.

-Do you want any...help? -Dawn, let's go. See you, Tim.
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See you later.
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# So what becomes of you, my love
.

# When they have finally stripped you of
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# The handbags and the gladrags
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# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy #
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