Original subtitles

This was a mistake.

Shut up. Pardon?

SHE HONKS HORN

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Ooh!

DUCKS QUACK

You're mad.

Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I am Greg Davies.

Welcome once more to Taskmaster.

We all know the score,

five trophy-hungry comedians rip open some medieval envelopes

and then run around having a breakdown, which I mark out of five.

I'm a dreamer, and one day those cowards at Channel 4 will take my

Squid Games crossover proposal seriously.

But for now, regrettably,

it's only their careers that are in danger.

Their names - Fatiha El-Ghorri...

CHEERING

..Jason Mantzoukas...

CHEERING

..Mathew Baynton...

CHEERING

..Rosie Ramsey...

CHEERING

..and Stevie Martin.

CHEERING

And next to me, a man who wrote under a pseudonym to his local paper

saying that he thinks disabled access regulations in shops

are political correctness gone mad.

In the Chesham Gazette, he's Dr Stephen Morris,

but we know him as little Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, Greg.

I've created something just for you. OK.

I've been working with the National Highways,

I know you love driving.

And he's good at it.

I've come up with some new road signs.

It's to help everyone, really.

This is, you know sometimes there's quite a lot of flies?

So you'll drive more carefully.

Dodge...

OK, there's one, quite a lot of these.

This is quiet zone on the road, just...

HE SHUSHES

How many of these are there?

We're halfway. Oh.

So this is on a section of the road, well, it's back to

the flies, really, don't open your windows, don't open your mouth,

cos of the fly, same fly.

This one's for outside our house, just drive more carefully.

Little smile, there was a little smile.

LAUGHTER

Good one.

Yes, it's a very clever technique of lowering the comedic bar

so low that just the slightest hint of a joke gets something. Yeah.

I know what I'm doing.

Right, let's crack on with the prize task.

Oh, boring...

Not really, of course, I love the prize task.

And this time, the category is

the thing that least suits its name if you shout it loudly while we're

all looking at it on the screen.

Whoa.

Oh, no, Greg, we're not running out of ideas.

And, yes, Greg, you will give five points to

the thing you think least suits its name when shouted loudly while we're

all looking at it on the screen. And that is Horne over and out.

Right, Jason. Yes.

What thing have you brought in that doesn't suit its name when

it's shouted? So, will we show it and have the audience shout it

immediately upon its arrival on screen?

If that's what you'd like. This is your moment, you decide.

That's what we're going to do.

So, this is an album that I brought you by a great, wonderful band.

Can we throw it up now, Alex?

AUDIENCE: Fanny!

Now, where I come from, fanny is a tush, it's a bum, right?

Yeah. But here, I've been told it's not -

and that it's quite rude.

What have you been told it is here? It's a front bum.

Ah.

That's what I call mine.

Never heard anyone call it a front bum except my mum.

Oh, I call it that because your mom calls it that.

LAUGHTER

I'm just happy she's getting laid.

Great start. OK.

Who's next? It's only Stevie.

I suppose the same, we just put it up and everyone shouts it.

Show it, shout it.

AUDIENCE: Shuttlecock!

It's got "cock" in it.

LAUGHTER

Shall we discuss this, or shall we just move on to whoever's got tits?

We call this a birdy.

That's just as weird as shuttlecock. Agreed.

Well, let's find out. Just shout "birdy" at it for me.

AUDIENCE: Birdy.

I think that's better than shuttlecock. I think it is.

This is strong.

It does not look like a shuttlecock. Mathew?

I'm going to shout this, cos people might mistake it.

So what have you brought in, Mathew?

Mummy!

LAUGHTER

You been raiding the old tombs again, have you?

Like our forefathers before us.

I thought, grab it, bring it back to Britain.

Why not? Elgin mark II.

Rosie? I have brought with me

a lyre!

Oh! L-Y-R-E. L-Y-R-E.

Oh. Lyre! Lyre.

And I feel like that's not

the first time you've shouted that at someone.

Yeah, I know. Lyre!

I'm a bit thrown by these, cos normally, they all bring such

terrible ones in, and it's quite good.

It's quite strong, isn't it?

Oh, Fatiha.

Is it OK if we do the thing, where..?

You'd like the audience to shout your one, is that right?

Please, yeah. OK, so Fatiha's brought in this.

AUDIENCE: Broom!

I've brought in a broom because, what is a broom?

Like, that's a sweeper, innit?

The name doesn't do what it says.

Like, a cooker cooks.

What would you call a car?

Are you saying a car should be

called a broom cos it goes "broom"? Broom broom.

LAUGHTER

It's actually called an automobile,

but we call it car because it's after Alan Carr.

LAUGHTER

She had faith in that sentence all the way up to...

A car should be called an automobile...

It is called a automobile.

Because it...

It's mobile but it's automatically mobile, that's why it's called that.

What do you call a chair?

Listen, bruv!

LAUGHTER

I don't know if she's got a point,

or whether it's just absolute madness, I don't know.

I'm going to give fanny one point because I don't mind it,

I don't mind it. OK, one point to Jason.

I mean, Mat's very clever because you could shout "mummy" in such

a way that it does suit it,

but he shouted it in a sort of "I've wet my pants" way.

Two points to Mathew.

Broom, three points, and you can thank me for it.

Lyre, what a beautiful instrument that is.

So four points to lyre, five points to shuttlecock.

Well done, Stevie Martin.

I would very much like a task proper, please, young man.

OK, well, what are your two favourite things, Greg?

Mannequins and wet suits.

Oh, bingo.

Jason. Alex.

You've got lovely wrists.

Would you mind giving me your wrist? Which one?

That just finishes it off, doesn't it?

Thank you.

All right, ready? Yes.

Put the most wet suits on mannequins.

The mannequins must be wearing their wet suits properly.

Also, you must tiptoe throughout.

And put your finger on your lips

and say "sh" at least once every 20 seconds.

You have 15 minutes.

And you're going to give me the buzz for that 20 seconds?

Yeah, a very small electric shock.

OK.

It seems cruel, but OK.

BUZZ

That'll buzz every 20 seconds to remind you to shush.

Sh.

BUZZ

Sh.

Sh.

OK, your time starts now.

Tiptoe, please. Oh!

Pretty straightforward game, I would say,

but before we start, who would like

to see Mathew adopt his tiptoe position?

BUZZ

Wonderful.

The toxic masculinity coming off you is disgusting.

Right, I'm going to start by showing you three people, including

Mathew, trying to put wet suits on mannequins whilst shushing

and those people are Mantzoukas, El-Ghorri and, of course, Baynton.

Where are the mannequins? Tiptoe, please. Tiptoe, please.

BUZZ Sh.

Where are the mannequins?

BUZZ Sh.

BUZZ Sh.

Have you found a wet suit?

Sh.

None in there.

I can see another one in there.

Sh.

Why is this locked?

Alex, do you know where the key to this is? Yeah.

Can you tell me? Normal place.

BUZZ

ALL: Sh.

Here we go with the nonsense, here we go.

There's a lot of keys there. Sh.

Is there a key in there? In the lollipop?

Oh, under doormat, thank you.

Oh, my God! I'm not going to get anything done.

This has got something to do with it.

Un...

Fucking hate you.

Oh, my God. Sorry, it's dead.

Sh.

Sh.

Sh.

Where are the wet suits?

That's crafting material.

WHINING: Where are all the fucking wet suits?

I see one wet suit!

I've located several mannequins,

I'm not certain I should be whispering,

but I can't find any wet suits.

You've got ten minutes to go.

Sh!

You've got a wet suit! Sh.

Oh! How much time do we have left? Five minutes, 20.

Sh.

Sh.

Ah...

BUZZ Sh.

In, in, it's in, it's in, it's in, we have lift off.

It's in, is it?

Sh.

Sh...sh...sh.

Maybe there's, like, baby mannequins somewhere. Yeah, maybe.

Come on, you little fucker. Sh.

One minute, 40 left. Shut up.

How long do I have? Three seconds left. OK.

That's a wet suit.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Pleased? Why would I be pleased?

I definitely took my finger off my lips, so I...

Like, that was... You took your finger off your lips?

That was part of the task, wasn't it?

LAUGHTER

Oh, that was so good.

Oh, Mathew.

That was part of the task, right?

I mean, he was so upset, he thought he'd been disqualified cos he

took it off at one point.

Yeah, I've thought about that more than once a day, every day since.

I mean, the devastation at the end of both of your scenes

was quite similar.

And yet, you increasingly are coming across as

a serial killer, you know that?

You found the child mannequin and within seconds, you said,

"Come on, you little fucker."

Yeah, I don't have time to waste!

Now, the question is, am I going to allow wet suit?

You bloody better.

I will allow wet suit. Thank you.

It was thinking out of the box.

Because it's a bit of lateral thinking and we've got to

reward that. Habibi, thank you.

Oh, ha-bi-bi.

This place is going to be called Mosque-master from now on.

LAUGHTER

Right, time for the first ad break of the episode

and a chance for you to take a few moments away from

the intensity of this competition.

I'm not going to tell you how to relax, you do you. Alex?

WHISTLING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back.

It's the start of part two.

Mannequins, wet suits and shushing are the name of the game, and the

names of the people playing the game right now are Stevie and Rosie.

Ah, yes!

Found a kid. Sh.

Lovely.

Under the doormat.

Yeah, you always keep them under the doormat.

Right, OK.

Wet suit.

Oh. The suit's wet.

Is it? Yeah.

BUZZ

I thought these things were, like, illegal. Not on people, weirdly.

Just on dogs.

Come on.

I imagine this is what marrying an older man's like.

Yeah.

Come on, mate.

Sh.

Sh.

There we go, that's fine.

I need some more wet suits.

Can I have that one that you've got on?

If you don't mind? I don't want to be awkward or weird. Sh.

Oh, a child!

Use the horn.

That's another one.

Have you got any underwear on? No, that's fine, yeah. Sorry.

No, that's all right.

Thank you.

Ooh! All right, I'm going in.

OK.

SHE SCREAMS: Oh, jackpot!

He's got a very broad back.

This is weird.

I don't think I'm getting paid enough for this.

Mmm.

Oh. Could you get me your other suits that you've got?

Could do with putting one on, later on.

Come on, get in, we're getting ready.

Sh.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Yeah, your time's up.

Thank you, Stevie. Thank you.

Right, bye. Bye-bye.

Oh, my God. Wow.

Stevie, I thoroughly enjoyed you repeatedly punching

a mannequin in the gooch.

Apparently, though, the mannequins that I found in the bushes

were not part of the task.

That was like a mannequin graveyard? Yeah.

Yeah, we've used mannequins over the years in this,

and the ones that had been too, I guess,

punched over the years, we just chuck under a tree

and we weren't expecting someone to go foraging

for mannequins under the tree.

Rosie, talk me through the narrative of

the way that you look after this old man.

Oh, I got a bit attached to him, actually, I'm sure I named him.

Yes, you gave him names, yeah. Yeah, I named quite a lot of them.

Yeah, it was Eric, Eric's brother and their son, Shearer. Yes.

So, Eric was the old man... The older guy.

..that you're in a relationship with? Yeah.

And you put his trousers on so violently his arm fell off.

He gets right on my fucking nerves.

Did they do well?

Yes, Mat nearly,

sort of, three quarters of one wet suit onto one mannequin.

Oh. Fatiha's got a total of one.

Jason really went for it and got a total of two

and a quarter wet suits.

Stevie, you got three and a half.

Rosie, cos she used the suits and made them wet,

four in total, so she gets the full five points.

There it is.

Let's see a scoreboard.

All right. Well, it's interesting, our winner of

the first three episodes is in last place on three points. Hmm.

Whereas Rosie and Stevie have three times as many,

they've got nine points each and are joint first.

Yes!

It's on, OK.

Right, another task, please.

Hmm, there is no task. Ooh.

AUDIENCE: O-oh!

No, there is one, really, I was lying! Here we go.

Hello, Rosie. Hello, Alex.

Hello, Alex. Hello. How are you? I'm great.

Would you like to? Yeah. After you, please. OK.

OK.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Convince the other team that the following things are

the opposite of what they are.

The liquid in the cup is very hot...

..or very cold.

The bag is really heavy...

..or really light.

The paste in the tube is delicious...

..or disgusting.

Alex is, or isn't, behind the curtain.

Two of you have, or haven't, met the same really famous person.

Most deceptive team wins.

You have a maximum of 20 minutes.

Your time starts now.

OK, I get this. And you're an actor so you'll be really good at this.

So we have to... Oh, what about me?

Oh, yeah, you'll be fine.

Are they inclined to believe us? I mean -

A, we're phenomenal actors.

So if I go like this...

SHE SPUTTERS

Pretend it's hot. That was very rubbish, bruv.

The paste in the tube is delicious or disgusting.

OK, it's so hard innit?

The paste in the tube is del-... And it's empty.

Who's the most famous person you've met?

Well, weirdly, you were just talking about - I know Ed Sheeran.

And then you just did a thing with him the other day.

You've both met Ed Sheeran? Have you not? Not yet.

Bruv, they let anyone on this show, swear down.

Bruv.

OK. Good luck, team.

Thank you. Yes, thank you, Alex.

Let's go.

OK, so, one team's going to try to convince

the other team that things are not what they are.

We're going to see, first of all, the team of three trying

to convince the team of two that the liquid in

the cup is very hot or very cold,

the bag is really heavy or really light,

and the paste in the tube is delicious or disgusting.

HE EXHALES

Oh, that is nice that.

Mmm.

This is so soothing, lovely and HOT.

OK, interesting.

Did you go to Rada?

If I don't get a Bafta for this, I swear down.

Well, there you go.

We've never done a live guess in the... No, this is interesting.

This is interesting.

Have a little chat. OK, I'm going to go over there. Oh, right.

OK, oh, this is nice.

Stevie, you could go over there. Yeah, all right.

Oh, hi.

Hello!

This is nice! I like this.

Oh, it's so much nicer here. But also, let's do this.

Yeah. OK.

I'm so sorry to interrupt the children's midnight picnic.

Is there any reason why they can't confer out loud? No, no, no. Right.

It would be much easier all around, but you do whatever you want.

Fatiha's is cold. Oh, you're whispering? I was going to.

THEY CONFER

It would be nice if we could hear this, cos it's a telly show, yeah.

It's your fault for giving us this opportunity

to do something we've never done before.

Look at the ceiling.

Ah! What's going to happen when we graduate?

So you think Mathew's double-bluffing

and that it is in fact heavy? I don't know.

Mathew's is the only one I think I'm not sure about.

I feel like it was disgusting for Rosie.

I feel like it was cold for Fatiha. Oh, why am I standing up? Um...

Can you sit down? It's just making me really uncomfortable. Sit down.

Right, I thought one of us...

Stop making your own rules up!

We've got rules already. OK.

What are your answers?

Cold, disgusting, heavy.

OK, well, let's see.

Here's the truth.

What is it?

It's vegan mayonnaise.

Vegan mayonnaise? Uh-huh. Delicious? No, horrible.

Three out of three, nailed it, very good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Really good.

We're now going to see Jason and Stevie either lying, or not lying,

so watch closely.

OK. OK.

Heavy, heavy. Heavy.

We want it as heavy as possible.

OK. OK.

HE CHUCKLES

Hey, Stevie, I made you some tea.

Thank you so much, and so relevant to the task.

Ah! O-oh.

All right. OK, cheers.

Bottoms up.

That's absolutely delicious. Ooh, really?

Try some. Sure.

That's quite good. It's quite good! That's not bad at all.

Before the guessing starts, I'd just like to point out

that those two have the energy of an educational theatre group.

OK, guys, let's talk periods.

Right, team of three, what do you think?

I think it's light, and they thought the sound of

the pebbles would make us think that they'd kept them in.

I think it was really hot, I think it might be

a talent that she's got, where she's like,

"I can drink really hot stuff!"

And I think it was hot. I agree.

I think it was cold like ours, cos the steam disappeared immediately.

It didn't, no, it still kept a little bit.

I think they just did a better job of not having...

He moved so fast.

Like a fawn that had been scared.

You did the thing as well, the little tiptoe.

Sorry, the audible ice cubes, I think that

that's what got us, not your acting.

And I think it was delicious

but it hit the back of his throat and made him gag. Yeah.

Do you think? I think it was disgusting.

I back yous, whatever you say, I promise I won't kick off, I promise.

So we're going light, hot, delicious.

If you fucking get this wrong...

LAUGHTER

This is what I was afraid of.

Well, let's see how many of the three you got right.

Oh, no. Oh, here we go guys.

OK.

Now, we've got to empty it.

So I just want to make sure, there will be a cut here, right?

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Please tell us, what was in the cup?

Cold water.

What was in the tube?

Marmite.

Peanut butter.

Water.

And...gravy pellets?

Bisto. Oh, Bisto.

And it was?

Really nice. It was fine.

Two out of three, not bad.

Woo!

Well, hasn't another part break come along quickly?

Same drill, you do what you want, me and Alex will do our thing.

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster part three.

Good morning, darling.

Now we're going to see all

of them lying or not lying about whether they've met

the same famous person

and whether I'm behind a shower curtain.

Weird, isn't it? Good luck. Here we go.

Welcome. Alex Horne is behind the curtain.

Please show them.

Disgusting clipboard.

Ta-da!

So I met James Bay, my husband, Chris, is a comedian

and he was doing the comedy...

SHE LAUGHS

Where did you meet James Bay?

I met James Bay at Old Trafford at a charity football match.

Yeah, I haven't met him, I'm not famous enough, I'm sorry.

She hasn't met James Bay.

We've met James Bay. We've met James Bay. Nice guy.

I've met some famous people. You must have met loads of famous...

Oh, I've met Tom Cruise!

Oh, I've met Tom Cruise!

No, you haven't. I tested for a Mission: Impossible movie

for, like, one of the computer guys.

He was leaving as I was coming in and he was like, "Hello."

I used to be a journalist, but he walked right past me

but he did go, "How you doing?" Yes!

That's enough, isn't it?

Yes, Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise!

Mm-hm.

Interesting.

I think maybe the team of three should do the guessing. Mm-hm.

And I don't want to influence you,

but if you're behind the curtain for Jason

and Stevie's attempt, I will pull my trousers and pants down right now.

I thought it was very good. You make your own decision.

I thought he might be behind the dummy that they were punching.

That's what I thought.

And that, I will come to regret that, if that's the case.

OK, and the famous person?

I doubt it. Yeah, I doubt it.

I've seen all of Missions Impossibles, he ain't in it.

That's a lie. So it's a lie?

One or both of them.

So we're saying no to the famous person,

yes to me being behind the shower curtain? Yes.

All right, team of two, what do you think?

Now, who is it that you guys are saying you've met?

I don't know him either.

It's the singer, James Bay. Oh, James Bay.

Possibly they've met him because he seems very accessible.

He's not Tom Cruise, is he?

No offence to James Bay and his loyal fans, of course.

Oh, sorry. You would know his stuff.

He's really famous. He's genuinely really famous. Yeah. Yeah.

He's from Hitchin.

Oh, in that case...

OK, in that case, they're definitely not bluffing, cos that's huge.

Let's say it, I think they've met him. OK.

And then, is Alex behind the thing? They took the clipboard out.

No, I think they balanced the clipboard on a mannequin

and then did that. All right.

So let's find out if they were telling the truth.

Hello, team. Hello.

Please raise your hands if you've met James Bay.

Have you met Tom Cruise? No.

Hey, hey!

Yes!

So, do some summaries.

Well, not before you take your trousers and pants down.

CHEERING

I am a man of my word and I told you,

you would all get an opportunity

to see me take my trousers and pants down,

but I didn't say when or where.

Ah.

I'm going to meet you all individually...

Individually!

..at a time and place of my choosing.

We're all looking forward to that,

but that final round really changed things.

It turned out that the team of three ended up getting four out of

the five right, the team of two only got three out of the five right.

So the team of three get five points,

it's up to you how many the team of two get.

We should give them three points.

Three to the team of two, five to the team of three.

Very good, what's next, please?

We're going to have a glorious, yet infuriating, light-bulb moment.

Hello.

Lovely smile. You too. Ah.

Oh! Ooh, Oh!

Oh, oh...

Ooh! Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

Tell Alex why the light bulb turns on.

You may not touch or tamper with the light bulb.

Fastest correct answer wins.

Your time starts now,

I don't understand what that means.

So, I need to...

BUZZ

Well, I don't know how the light bulb turns on,

but Rosie was certainly having a good time.

So excited. Let's see some stuff.

Yes, it's not how it turns on, it's why it turns on,

and first to go, it's Rosie Ramsey and Matty Batty.

No.

BUZZ

Oh.

How did it just turn on?

Speed of light.

Is it when I talk?

No.

When I smile?

No...

When I look at it! Do you turn on when I...

I don't...

HE GRUMBLES

Oh.

Oh, there's another...

Fastest wins, remember.

All right.

Oh, my word, all right.

Read this out loud and in full.

If you fail to read this out loud

and in full, you will fail the current task.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

"Dear Rosie, Congratulations. you have looked under the table

"and found this, a letter just for you..."

This is bullshit, this is going to be bullshit.

"If you didn't have such curious instincts,

"you wouldn't now be reading this personal note..."

I know this is bullshit.

"I think you are funny.

"I like your hair."

"In almost every drawer, on almost every shelf,

"beneath almost every stone and inside..."

"I've always thought you're

"the sort of person who would look under tables, when most people..."

"The truth is that Taskmaster is not just about the task..."

"You're a humble person..."

VOICES BLEND AND FADE

"It's about opening that box and finding..."

"OK, then, I'd better go now.

"Well done again on finding this valuable paper."

"OK, carry on. Yours, Greg Davies."

That's...that's...that's not anything, is it?

I don't think that means anything.

Right, yeah, you've got to tell why the light bulb turns on.

What's this?

Plus two, plus two, plus two.

Is this facial expressions?

It's extraordinary.

LAUGHTER

Have I got to cry? Can you cry on cue? Probably. It's worth a try.

BUZZ

No good. Yeah.

Oh, dear.

Oh, yeah.

It's not crying though, is it? No. No, OK.

Is it my smile?

You mentioned my smile when I came in.

Something to do with facial expressions.

Two times...

Is it smiling and then being sad?

And then smile, and then being sad.

Two seconds after I smile.

I've stopped the clock.

When I smile and then I go sad, two seconds later, it goes on.

BUZZ

I'm going to stop the clock.

APPLAUSE

This should be a jolly task,

but there were moments of great sadness there, weren't there?

Rosie crying,

Mathew appeared to have some sort of existential crisis.

It's nice to have a task that fractures your

relationship with the concept of smiling.

Exactly what we hoped for.

Rosie thought it might be smiling very early on and then

moved on very quickly, but you got it in the end in 16 minutes, 54.

Mathew, 13 minutes, 54.

13? 13, yeah.

Wow, it felt like a lot longer. It really did.

Right, soon, someone will be taking home a lyre and a fanny,

which reminds me of a date with my ex...

..as in, she was dishonest and her name was Fanjita.

Hello, and here we go, it's the final part of the show

and there's a really annoying task in play.

They're the best ones. And now it's Jason and Stevie's turn

to work out what's turning the light bulb on.

All right, let's see.

I'm going to try... BUZZ

It's when I tip to the right.

It's not.

I'm going to put raisins in this little hole.

Can't imagine this is what I'm meant to do

but there is something oddly satisfying about it.

No, you look happy. I appreciate it.

You're looking at me as a red herring.

Plus two, plus two.

Hmm, I'll do two raisins.

BUZZ Ah... Oh, boy.

That only tells me I'm on the right path.

BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ

Is it every time I look at the bulb?

Hmm...

Oh, I hate it.

BUZZ

You haven't put the bulb on for ag-...

BUZZ What?!

SHE HALF LAUGHS, HALF SOBS

If you've turned that bulb on...

BUZZ

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Is that you? No.

OK. Looks like you.

Is it when I make this face?

No. BUZZ

LAUGHING: Fuck off!

What do you want me to do with that information?

Like, what... Speed of light?

So that is relevant.

Oh, is it? This clue is relevant to the Goddamn task? Shocking.

It's almost like it's asking me how many miles...

Smiles...

DING!

Smiles per two seconds.

So it'll go off two seconds after I put raisins in the little hole?

Here we go.

I mean...

No. No.

Oh, wait a minute.

SHE SCREAMS

Um...

SHE SCREAMS

Does it go off two seconds after I'm angry?

Two seconds after I've laughed? After I say OK?

Two seconds after I'm thinking...

It's everything in my power right now to not flip this table over.

Right.

Is it two seconds after I stop smiling?

You try it out.

BUZZ SHE SCREAMS

Yes!

The light goes on two seconds after I stop smiling.

I've stopped the clock, but I need you to go now,

because I need to take that box apart, because it's full of raisins.

You know what? Put some water in, you'll have grapes.

I don't think so far we've seen you quite as crazed during a task.

I think it really got to you, right? Yeah, that was the angriest I was.

But what a celebration.

Jason. Yes, Greg.

I thought it was quite clever,

on the first attempt of popping raisins into the little hole.

I was less convinced of your intelligence by

the third time you started.

I'm not going to lie, they cut many times out. Yeah, yeah.

Do you want to tell us how they did?

Yes, Stevie, you were 28 minutes.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

That's why I was so upset.

What about old raisin popper?

Yeah, 52 minutes.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

We had a six-minute debate about whether it's "math" or "maths".

And you cut it?! We had to cut it, Jason!

Now, this'll be interesting.

Can the angriest Taskmaster contestant of all time,

can she even smile?

We don't know. We don't know.

You're quite right, Greg, it's time for fabulous Fatiha, finally.

What's this? Can I use these? Ooh.

What happened?

Is it when I smile?

Do you remember I used to do that in school? That's a fake smile.

Do you remember that? The... We didn't go to the same school.

No. Oh, hell, no.

OK, wait. This says, yeah, "Two plus smiles."

Oh, has it got to do with time?

I got it! I got it, honey.

OK, I smile, two-second break, and then it comes on.

Let's see.

OK, smile, one, two, light comes on.

Got it? You got it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Somebody call the vet, cos these swans are sick.

Did you make up, "Someone call a vet because these swans are sick?"

No, man. No, the swans aren't actually sick, and if they were...

Well, they're not really swans, are they?

But also, it's not the vet you'd call for this, they've got...

It's domestic stuff.

What you actually should say, someone call whoever's responsible

for the swan community that's directly linked to

the royal family, because these swans are sick

and not many people are qualified to deal with them.

LAUGHTER

Give me some times.

Well, obviously, Jason gets one point for his nearly an hour.

Stevie, two points, nearly half an hour.

Rosie, three points for your 16 minutes.

Mat, four points for 13 minutes.

Fatiha, seven minutes, five points, there we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I can't believe it. Shall we see some scores?

Fatiha, you are now in second place just two points behind

Rosie, who's on 17 points. Wow.

I'm in the lead?

Girl power, girl power.

OK, everyone, please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

Hi, there, baby boy.

Hello.

Who's going to read the task out?

It's Fatiha.

Win a game of...

..Front Ham.

One at a time, each person must discard three socks from

the washing line and add one.

If all your coloured socks are removed, you are eliminated.

Last player standing wins the game of Front Ham.

We all know Front Ham, so it's a traditional game.

You may not be aware of it, Jason, but the others will be...

In your black socks, you've got a secret sock, that is your colour.

Don't let anyone else see the colour of your sock.

The aim of Front Ham, as we all know, is to leave

your coloured socks standing on the washing line.

So on your go, you're going to go first, Fatiha,

you can remove three socks, any socks,

and then you've got to put one sock on from your bucket.

As soon as your colour disappears, you're out.

It's Front Ham, I mean, I don't know why I'm...

LAUGHTER

This is sock chess, this is cerebral.

So why don't you all have a look, secretly, inside your secret sock.

Remember your colour, don't reveal it, cos there's

a lot of tactics involved in this.

As always, we go right to left.

That's you first, Fatiha, so you can remove three socks.

I'm going to be tactical here, have to be, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. If you... Yeah.

And now what, pick one and put it on?

Yes, absolutely, just bring it back to its folk, that's the phrase.

I wonder what your secret sock colour is.

You don't know, it could be a double bluff, that's Front Ham.

Jason's up now. He could eliminate orange from the game.

I mean, he'd be a fucking psycho if he did. Let's see.

Oh... Oh.

Oh, my God, he's mixing his colours. These Americans are so flash.

So green is back to normal now.

Perilous for orange, but he's still got to put one back on.

Oh, my God.

Mathew, let's Front Ham.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.

Don't reveal you're orange yet, don't reveal you're orange yet.

You pig.

Again, don't reveal if you're orange yet.

LAUGHTER

Not even a clue, Rosie, if possible.

Hmm. OK.

Oh, back to the half dozen yellows.

So, would you like the orange to reveal themselves?

Do I need to?

It's me.

THEY GASP

Fuck you all.

Rosie, a master of deception, let's Front Ham.

OK. This is tricky. OK.

It's a full board at the moment.

Oh, lovely.

And the red. Yeah.

Oh, I've gotta put one up, don't I?

She takes a blue off and she puts a blue back on.

Psychological...

Wow.

For a second I thought it was

a masterful game of psychological warfare,

but she just forgot she took the blue off.

Fatiha, back to you, I believe.

Oh... One. ..there's an aggression here.

..two... Oh. Oh, Christ.

Red's back up to full strength, Greg.

I've not seen that for a few years. Hmm.

Lovely. Oh, my God. That's great.

Oh! Cautious.

So, Mathew, the door is open on blues.

If you want to eliminate blues, that means you do go up in

the leaderboard.

Greg, remind me, why wouldn't he go for blue at this stage?

Mathew's his own man. We've seen this in previous tournaments.

Interesting.

And one back on. Is it another blue back on?

No... Oh, it is!

Wow! Works for Rosie.

Is it the end?

Yes! Well played! Very strong.

Lovely. Lovely. And there we go.

So we've lost green but let's see who she puts up...

Even stevens.

She's taking two people to a full complement. Yeah.

And we've lost someone. Green? It's me.

Oh! Jason Mantzoukas gets two points.

Join your team-mate.

I know I'm gonna have to do this. Like, come on. Course.

You do a double blue now, I'm gonna lose my goddamn mind.

Oh, I've gone.

So, this is it. We might find out what colour she is. Hmm.

Ooh!

It might be checkmate. Oh...

Oh!

Oh, she's set up the ultimate head-to-head.

Unbelievable. We've lost blue finally. They clung on for a while.

Will blue step forward?

Blue is gone. Well done, Mathew.

Rosie, it is your turn.

You can't eliminate your opposition yet. Please step up to the line.

North-south divide.

So she's... And a red, that's.. Why would you do that?

But she'll be, but she might be red, she might be red. If she was red...

Yeah, but they both know who the other one is.

The numbers will go down, it will dwindle,

it has to dwindle.

It's the only move, it's the only move.

Oh, God. Sorry. Sorry!

Tricky for you now, Rosie.

She's lost three yellow.

It's a desperate bid though cos there's not a lot she can do.

She's staying brave.

We've got a real situation.

Yeah, at this stage, it's really whether or not

Fatiha remembers what colour her sock is.

Right, let's have it, bruv.

And will the last go? OK. She's won Front Ham!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Listen, I'll add those to your final scores.

Come and down and join me! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One of the greatest games of Front Ham I've ever witnessed.

I know. It has changed the scores. Very tight at the top,

but with 21 points,

the winner of this episode is Rosie Ramsey!

Rosie Ramsey has won! Please go and ogle your oddly named oddities!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media