Original subtitles

On tonight's Top Gear, Richard Hammond in a V8 tumble dryer. Ow!

Two F1 legends, one inside the other. Wow!

And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car.

Hello, and may I say how nice it is to be back,

especially as 2003 is likely to be a vintage year for cars.

Honestly, you will not believe the list of what's coming.

# Push the tempo, push the tempo, push the tempo, push the tempo

# Jump to tomorrow, baby-y-y-y

# Jump to tomorrow, baby-y-y-y

# Push the tempo, push the tempo... #

And it's not all big, expensive, tyre-shredding stuff either.

There's a trend towards small, affordable, fun cars,

stuff that looks good in a traffic jam.

Take this Volkswagen Beetle Cabriolet.

It's not the fastest car in the world, or even in this studio,

and the roof folding arrangement is a bit...unfortunate.

But it has four seats, costs £15,000, and look at it!

And then there's the Ford Streetka.

This has a top speed of 12.5 miles an hour.

But that's OK, because it only costs 12.5p.

The most intriguing car, though, is that.

It's the Smart Roadster.

Now, some cars are rock'n'roll. Some cars are the 1812 Overture.

This...is a pop video.

MUSIC: "CANTALOOP" by US3

In the trendiest parts of the trendiest postcodes

of the trendiest city in Britain, this car looks sensational.

# Wa-wait a minute... #

And because it's only £13,500, no-one thinks you're a rich git.

It's the kind of car that makes people go, "Ah!", rather than "Ugh!"

But for fashion accessories to work,

they need a real-world application.

A pretty watch still has to work in space.

A Range Rover has to work on an alp, even in Kettering.

A training shoe has to work in a gym, even if you never get there.

It's no good the Smart being all rinky-dinky in Camden.

If it's to have any street cred,

it has to work out here.

It's got to be a proper sports car.

So is it?

MUSIC: "Sexy Boy" by Air

On paper, things don't look great.

It may make all the right growly noises,

but it's powered by a three-cylinder, 600cc engine.

My Moulinex Magimix has a bigger motor!

Sure, the Smart has a turbocharger, but only get 80bhp.

So this then, is not a fast car.

In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry VIII.

In terms of acceleration, you go from 0-60, but only just.

I tried timing it, but after 11 seconds, I got bored.

There's the six-speed sequential Formula 1-style gearbox too,

which operates like one of those new-fangled digital cameras,

where you push the button, and ten seconds later, just as your subject moves, it takes the picture.

Ready, foot down...

and here we go.

Useless!

It rather looks, then,

like the Smart Roadster misses the sports car mark by 100 miles.

However, have a look at this.

Push a button...

and the middle part of the roof slides back into a little cubbyhole

in the engine compartment.

And then I simply take these out,

and we've got a full convertible.

However, the weather today is a bit too British,

so if you don't mind, I'll just...

I'll just pop it back.

See ya.

There's more good stuff too. This car may not be fast,

but it feels more alive than any million-horsepower heavyweight BMW.

I wanted to hate it.

I wanted to laugh at its performance and call it a wet fraud,

but it's so responsive and such a giggle

that it puts a smile on your face!

It's fantastic!

Ha-ha!

I like the styling, the interior, the traction control, the CD player.

I like how these dials sprout out of the dashboard.

And I love the space. I'm not small, but look at that! Four inches of headroom there.

Ooh, and there's something else.

Remember who it is that makes Smarts?

You can buy one of these things

and say you drive a mid-engined, rear wheel drive, turbocharged convertible Mercedes Benz.

Mercedes own Smart. They make them in France, but this is a Mercedes.

There's more! It's cheap to insure, does 40 miles to the gallon, and it costs almost nothing

to replace those plastic body panels if you crash.

Not that it goes fast enough to have a crash.

So, it works.

It's a fashion accessory, a piece of automotive jewellery,

and it's like those whizzing sports cars from the '50s, Austin Healeys and so on.

It's a proper, undiluted, sports car.

I wouldn't buy one. I thought you liked it. I do. But I'm going to outline a few problems.

We'll start with the boot.

There isn't one! It's under here. No point looking. That's your lot.

It's a baking tray above the engine.

It's OK if you've got a handful of roast potatoes to carry around,

but otherwise, useless.

However, look at this.

This is the Smart Roadster Coupe.

Same engine, same roof arrangement, same everything,

but if we open the back...

Ah! Enough space for a whole sackful of King Edwards!

There you go. I wouldn't buy this either. Because?

I'll tell you why, OK?

You can buy one of these with left-hand drive in Britain

for less than £10,000.

It's not as powerful as the British ones,

but why are we paying half as much again to have the steering wheel on our side?

I love the car, but I won't be ripped off by Germans.

It's made in France! Yeah, Vichy France!

The thing for me is that gearbox. It's just hopeless.

The moment builds up, the revs rise,

you hit the lever, and it pauses with you and waits.

Nothing happens for so long.

It's a gearbox. It has one job to do.

Pull the lever, and... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower?

"I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I must swap some cogs around!"

It takes forever. The problem is, you'll be using it a lot,

because of that buzzy 600cc engine. I was wrong. Ah. Admission time.

It's actually a 700cc engine, which is different.

It's 0.7 of a litre.

That still has Hugh Grant as a gearbox.

It's a pity. We like the Smart, but we think not.

That gives us another problem.

Because, you see, you can't have the Volkswagen Beetle either.

And let me explain why.

With most convertibles, the windscreen is sort of here.

But this is like a convertible people-carrier! You could play football on that dashboard!

You need binoculars to see if the wipers work!

That leaves us with the Ford Streetka. It is a very good car.

It does everything it sets out to do.

But you cannot possibly drive this car if you're a man.

Seriously! Look, there's a man in the car,

and he is clearly wearing a dress! Is he not?

Would any men here think of buying this car? Precisely. No?

This being the Top Gear audience, you're all car enthusiasts,

so you haven't got wives or girlfriends. What about the girls?

Hands up, girls who would like this car.

Are there any girls who wouldn't?

You? Well, put your hand up, then! It's not difficult!

Brothers and sisters, they're all related!

I was talking the other day to a guy from Ford.

Don't know who he was. Wore a suit.

Anyway, he said 80% of these are going to be sold to women.

Who's going to buy the other 20%? LAUGHTER

So, what if a bloke wants to buy a two-seater, open-top sports car?

He does what he's done for the last 14 years, and buys a Mazda MX-5.

Where do these go on the Cool wall?

This is nothing to do with dodgy gearboxes or value for money,

but how cool we think the cars are.

First, the VW Beetle convertible.

That's a cool car. Higher, put it higher.

LAUGHTER

Higher, no.

No, up there. Actually, move it into Uncool.

I kinda like it there, personally.

The Streetka. It is very much not a car for a bloke.

But it is a cool car. We all agreed?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

So that leaves us with the Smart car. Anyone got any thoughts?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Sub Zero. Why? It's the coolest car

here. The Smart is? Easily. Good man.

Where's it going? Uncool. Sub Zero.

You're right, you're wrong, I'm always right.

It's going there cos I know everything. Always right? Yeah.

Know everything? Yeah.

Last series you made the Renault

Avantime Sub Zero. How many sold?

Millions. The Ford Focus last year sold, over 12 months, 150,000.

That's a big volume car, so it won't be that many.

How many Renault Avantime sold?

Seven! Seven? Be sensible, it's a

car! It costs millions to develop!

12. 2,000. I'll take 2,000, bit adventurous.

Jeremy? I don't know. 1,500.

I'll tell you how many they sold. 263.

But bear in mind

they have 70 dealers who sell them.

Assume they all had one in the

showroom, knock 70 off. That's 193.

That's so disastrous, they've stopped making it.

It's gone? It doesn't exist. It's

gone from our board. Yes. No! Sorry!

Actually, I don't care. I've had

a new idea while we've been off air.

It's this, the Top Gear Love & Hate board. The Love section's full.

Kristin Scott Thomas and Terry-Thomas.

We're most interested in this bit, the Hate section, things we hate.

Like stereos that have a chummy greeting when you turn them on.

Why?! Why does it have to say hello? I just want it to play Terry Wogan.

Other things we hate, obviously, paddle shifts.

Those semi-automatic gearboxes like Formula One.

Personalised registration plates? Yes? We really hate those.

LAUGHTER

If you have ideas of what to put

on our Hate board - Love's full -

do get in touch on our international web.

which is:

I thought about stuff that I hate

and came up with a list.

A man can never have too many. It's my top five worst cars ever. Good.

Top five worst cars ever...

Well, here's my list, OK? Mm-hm.

In fifth place is the AMC Pacer.

What a moose! That IS a moose.

The doors on each side aren't even the same length!

At number four is the Peel!

It only had one head lamp. It did.

If one came towards you, you thought it was a motorbike. "It's a car!"

In third place, the Vauxhall Vectra. Obviously. In second place -

the Suzuki X90. I road-tested that on old Top Gear.

We filmed at night cos I didn't want people to see me in it!

In first place, it's a big question.

My worst car ever. What are we looking for?

The car equivalent of drizzle.

No. Because there's something going on. We want worse than that.

It's like those days when you walk out and there is no weather.

There's only one car

that can manage that. And it's this.

The Nissan Sunny. I don't know where to start.

There are uglier cars and worse cars to drive.

But their badness gives them character.

This commits the worst crime - blandness.

God gave us celery as the benchmark

of nothingness.

Then mankind improved on that

with this...thing - I hesitate even to call it an abomination.

Forget redeeming features, it doesn't have any features.

Something else I don't get. Dragsters. It has a big engine.

That's jet engine.

It will do 0-200mph in 3.8 seconds,

but it struggles to better 100 gallons to the mile,

and every time you want to get

into it, you've gotta split in half.

And I don't think it's even got a reverse gear.

But they do have one useful feature.

(Get 'em working.)

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

How much fun was that?! Fantastic!

We have a theme. Jeremy's looked at smart roadsters, small cars.

Cheap thrills is the kind of feel.

That dragster did burn about £100-worth of fuel.

The best £100 you could ever spend. LAUGHTER

Footballers. The time was, not that I know, when it was a great game.

The men were men and in the wall they stood like that.

Now it's this, "Ooh, mind me hair!"

But my guest tonight is from those olden days.

He'd drive a large Mercedes to a fight

and a football game might break out.

He's now an actor and has his own fly-on-the-wall series.

Ladies and gentlemen, Vinnie Jones!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Vinnie, how are you? How are ya? Have a seat.

APPLAUSE

You hold the world record for being sent off in a game of football.

It is five seconds, isn't it? Yeah. I ran on and it was like a minute.

No, you've done it in five seconds. No, about a second.

I'm intrigued, not being a footballist, how do you reach

an opposing player to commit an atrocity in that time?

I'd need a minute and a half...

As the ref looked at the goalkeepers,

as he put the whistle to his mouth, I set off.

So as he blew, I crossed the line at full speed.

When they knocked it to each other, they saw me coming.

It's blow the whistle now. Vinnie booked now.

It's such an achievement.

Now, your driving. What was your first car?

I had a bit of money from playing

in Sweden

and I bought a red Cortina. Ooh.

Which mark? A Mark Four. Mark Four?

Then, Wimbledon were very basic.

Meself, Dave Beasant and the physio went there and I wanted to drive

and we took the team kit with us.

We get to Chelsea and they say, "You're not coming in."

I said, "I'm a player." By the time he had finished, it had overheated.

The smoke was coming through the vents. It was hilarious.

We took the kit out, pushed it in the car park and it stayed there.

I don't know what happened to it.

They've redone Chelsea now. I'm sure. Ken Bates probably nicked it!

We've got a game. Shall we play a game with Vinnie? AUDIENCE: Yes!

We have a number of footballers

then we have a choice of cars and you've got to match them. OK.

You'll have a rough idea of what he earns, won't you? Yeah. Tell us.

Who's that?

Rooney. This is Wayne Rooney, OK.

Does he drive a Mini Cooper,

a Ford Focus RS

or a Toyota Celica?

I think he'd go for the Mini Cooper.

Mini Cooper. You're absolutely right. He does drive a Mini Cooper.

APPLAUSE

David Beckham. Yep. Did you hit him?

Not on that occasion. I could never get near him.

Does he drive the Bentley Arnage T,

the large Cadillac SUV drug dealer mobile, or the Ferrari 360?

I would probably say he's probably either had 'em all or got 'em all.

But I would say... There in one! He owns all of these and every car you've ever seen. Two out of two!

APPLAUSE

Next up...

Who's that? Dwight York. Dwight York. Has he got a Citroen 2CV,

a Reliant Robin or a Renault Avantime?

I don't know. Citroen?

The audience's going for Citroen. He's got a funny side.

I'm wondering why he'd have the Avantime.

If he was with Jordan, he'd need it for the baby, but he's not with her.

Something with air bags, then.

LAUGHTER

So when she catches up with him, he can eject outta the top. The Citroen?

No. He's got a Reliant Robin.

That's living up north too much, innit? Who's that.

Dunno.

LAUGHTER

Anyone know who this is? Gary...

Oh, you don't like him?

I like Gary. What do you think he drives?

This boring silver saloon car, this

boring beige car or this silver 4X4?

I hope he doesn't drive the bottom one.

It's a bit cool. But there's plenty of room for his ears in that one.

I've gotta go for that cos I know he's got kids. The BM. No.

Lineker - a Lexus. The most boring

car in the whole of human history...

You have to show your pension book

to buy one of them.

You did pretty well. Anyone keep tabs? I got a couple.

Give him a round of applause.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You're over in America a lot these days.

Do they have the first idea what you are, who you are?

I sort of get more...credibility when they come and talk to you

and realise you was a footballer.

AMERICAN ACCENT:

"He was a soccer player?"

I mean Nick Cage... You were in Gone In 60 Seconds. Good car film. Yeah. Is he a car nut? Yeah.

He used to come down to work, say, in his Bentley.

Then a Ferrari would turn up, then a great big motorbike

and when we'd finished, he'd be there, "What shall I go home in?"

He went on his motorbike one day

and we were pulling out and tried to follow him up the motorway.

He was just gone! It must be great for him with the crash helmet on. No-one knows who he is.

Lock Stock started it all. Yeah.

You know the scene of you with the car door? Yeah.

What was going through your head when you were doing that?

I can't say it on air. I'd get sued again! Whisper it.

We were thinking, that P6, big heavy doors in those days. Yes. Good for smashing a man's head in.

Modern cars - we're not so sure. Can you pass us our prop?

The windows would go now. Exactly.

Imagine this. We've all seen Day Of The Jackal. If you could come with me, Vinnie.

I want you to try and smash this in the door of one of our cars.

Gather round. We're going to this Smart car. Oh!

It's made of plastic. It hasn't got to go back, has it? What? It has.

I'd like you to re-enact the scene. Put it in from the other side.

It was a block of wood in Lock Stock. It's a heavy watermelon in this.

Right, here we go.

Ready? Yeah, here we go.

Not bad! In one!

APPLAUSE

So...

So, a little bit of The Day Of The Jackal, little bit of Lock Stock,

little bit of Top Gear all in one!

Now, you haven't just come here... Can you hang on to that?

Do the garden, mate! Yes!

You haven't just come here to smash watermelons to pieces. You've come

to do a lap on our track.

You went with the Stig. What was that like?

When the backside stops retracting, I'll let you know!

It is time to see how you got on in your lap.

This is the power board. I want to beat Jonathan Ross. I've got to.

Ross, one minute 57. You could have strolled! Shall we see how you did?

A Star In A Reasonably Priced Car. Play it. Oooh!

Nice start.

Come on, girl. 'It looks very slow.'

It seemed faster when I was doing it!

It is a Suzuki Liana. It's not a fast car.

If you lose speed here, you'll never get it back all the way up the main straight.

'This is the home bit.'

This is where everyone goes off. How do you manage?

I'm still in. Boot it!

You kept it on the island and that was where Gambon nearly rolled it. You're across the line!

APPLAUSE

Seemed a bit slow. I've been told the time. Go on. You want to be faster than Jonathan Ross. Yeah.

I pity Jonathan if you aren't faster! Rossy will not let me...

Vinnie J, one minute...

50... 51?

Three! 53! You're in there faster than Ross Kemp.

Ladies and gentlemen, Vinnie Jones!

APPLAUSE

This being a new series of Top Gear, we thought

we'd try out a new presenter.

He's called James May.

On the evidence of what we're about to see, he is a blithering idiot!

# Stars shining bright above you

# Night breezes seem to whisper I love you... #

One day, probably in the dentist,

you'll leaf idly

through the small ads in the back of a classic car magazine.

You'll probably think, "That money

I spent on a Mondeo could have been spent on something interesting..."

Like an Inspector-Morse-style Jag, for example, a Porsche 911...

There are a lot of old 911s in here.

You could even have a Bentley.

# ..Dream a little dream of me... #

Mind you, you'd have to be a

complete idiot to buy one of those.

This one's mine.

It's a T2, pretty much

the cheapest Bentley money can buy.

You can pick one of these up for seven grand.

Don't. For that money it's gonna be a complete bag of bolts.

'This is a good 'un. It cost £14,000, the parts are genuine,

'there's no rust, no filler and no evidence of bodged repairs.

'14 grand's a lot for this, but only the price of a basic Mondeo.

'Unlike the Mondeo, though, the Bentley shouldn't depreciate.

'A Mondeo is disposable, but a Bentley's...a Bentley.'

So why do I like it then?

Well...I like this wood. Someone's taken a lot of care of that.

I like the strip of chrome down the bonnet and the weird winged thing.

I like the sort of daftness of it. The light switch is there.

The key goes here and the windscreen wipers are here.

I'd expect the wipers to be here but it's the gear stick.

The handbrake's down here. 'It's all wrong and I love that.'

'Somewhere up front is a huge 6.7 5-litre V8 engine.

'But when you put your foot down...'

nothing happens.

It might go a bit faster, but on the whole, it's a complete waste of time.

You might as well just relax!

Handling. I've got furniture that handles better than this thing.

Watch. Absolutely nothing.

'So, it's rubbish to drive, I'm going slower than you and yes, I look like a failed porn star.

'But I am in my own Bentley!

'Right then, a Bentley for Mondeo money.'

Some of you are pretty tempted by this idea, but I haven't told you how it ruined my life yet!

'I said this car doesn't depreciate.

'Big deal! Who really cares about depreciation? It's something that goes on all the time.

'It doesn't hurt you every day.

'For that you need a Bentley.

'Every time I go near this thing, it runs off with my wallet.

'It costs 80 quid to fill up and

does 15 miles to the gallon. I have to rent a garage to keep it in.

'It takes up two tokens at the jetwash.

'Servicing only costs the same as it does for a mid-size BMW,

'but it has to go in more often.

'That's why my mechanic buys his overalls from Gucci while I sit at home eating gruel.'

Cheap thrills? Humph, try this! It's bloody terrifying!

You could have done that film a lot shorter than that.

Yes, for the money you spend on a basic Mondeo, you could buy an old Bentley like I did. Don't.

Exactly, it's a stupid idea.

It's fine as a hobby but this is my only car.

You don't have another car? No.

How many sacrifices do you make?

Um, going for a curry, having mates,

having a proper car. Any form of life.

It won't fit in your garage. No, that's not quite true.

The first 12 feet fit in the garage magnificently.

Then there are two feet on the

pavement. Yeah, you don't want that.

The last three feet are on the road and you get a parking ticket.

To park it on the road you have to pay council tax. Cos it's a house.

It's not my sort of car, but then

we do differ. That's why I like it.

Exactly. You look at what I say and go, "He's wrong!"

I looked in Autotrader and thought, "What wouldn't Jeremy buy?" I respect that in a man.

You have to rent a garage. Yeah. How far away? Seven miles or so.

You rent a garage seven miles from your house?

Mmm. How do you get there? On my folding bicycle!

You are mad! You're just insane running a car like this.

I think you may be missing an essential point. Comfy, though!

This has firm suspension! Really?

The "T" is for firm suspension. It

has the Harvey Bailey handling kit.

Harvey didn't know anything about suspension either!

Despite all that, of all the cars in this studio, this one is actually the cheapest. No.

The Smart's cheaper.

For £500 less you can have a Smart.

Well... Which doesn't do this.

This would have been cheaper if I'd haggled a bit more.

That's a British disease. It is.

Am I right in saying this car is so cool, that most people,

by which I mean Jeremy, don't realise it? AUDIENCE: Yes!

Hands up if you think it's a cool car. That's three.

And on that bombshell, let's do the news.

News first of two hot new Peugeots.

The first of them is the new 206 GTI.

It's 180bhp.

That's quite a lot in a small car. £14,995, which isn't bad. That is a hot car.

The second one... I can't quite understand this.

It's a 206, it's a GTi,

it's 138bhp, slightly less powerful,

but you'll notice it's an estate, a tiny estate car.

That, to me, is pointless. More than that, it's a tragedy.

That's what the French call "idiotique". Yes! Don't like it.

I like it. Why? Cos the 206 is a good car. Are we all agreed?

Yeah. It's a good hatchback. It's

a good car with space for your dog!

You can get a dog in a hatchback!

No, you can't. A big dog won't go in a 206. Hang on.

Hang on. A dog is for life. If you've got a big dog already, you specify a big estate car.

If you already have a small car, get a small dog like one of those mutants that come third at Crufts.

If you had a dog and you needed the space, I think that's great.

Not if you're British - we like dogs.

Yes. But it's French and they can put a red setter in a Renault 5.

And they crush it in so tightly,

that it looks like a photo of a dog stuck on the window of the car.

I consider myself outvoted then - Peugeot 206 Estate, silly car.

Silly. Silly.

Good news for car fans and film buffs - we like films and cars -

The Italian Job, a great film if you love cars.

There's a remake coming up by the Americans.

Oh, God, oh!

There will be a few differences. The previous one was shot in Turin.

Beautiful city. The new one will be shot in the beautiful city of LA.

Right. Technically, it isn't Italian.

Hang on - if it's not in Italy, is it going to be called The Job?

It doesn't say that there's going to be a job. Just "The". "The"!

And who's playing Michael Caine? Vin Diesel, he does everything else.

Who did they get for the remake of Get Carter?

Stallone. Stallone. Yeah.

He can't go, "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off." No!

The thing is, when it ends and the bus teeters on the brink of disaster, and he says,

"I have a great idea," if he's American, it won't be a great idea.

True!

There's an explosion and British people are killed by accident.

And Tom Cruise will come down in a parachute.

Yeah. And it'll be a rubbish film.

What else is in the news? Are we going to bother to go and see that?

If a film comes to a cinema near you called... What did you say? "The". Exactly.

New cars since we've been off air - Renault Kangoo. Interested, anyone? AUDIENCE: No. I am.

£9,100 - it's a van with windows, a bit like the Citroen Berlingo.

A little bit more expensive.

I quite like those cars, actually.

The Saab 93 Convertible - they took a tin-opener to the 93, which I think is a Vectra.

You're the expert. It is a Vectra, but it's got a Saab badge on it.

If you want a convertible Vauxhall Vectra, there you are.

I can't think why.

Now...

for people who say, "You only like expensive cars," yes, the Lamborghini Gallardo!

This has got a V10, 5-litre engine. I'll have to go to the loo if I say that again.

500bhp, fantastic-looking thing,

on sale in Britain later this year.

Prices are anticipated to be around £120,000,

so it will be competing with the Ferrari 360.

And actually, if its big brother, the Murcielago,

is anything to go by, that will be

a stonking good car.

There's going to be a problem with that. We've had this mystery fax.

It came to the office - some telephone numbers and a picture.

Yes. What you would say that was?

A Lotus Esprit. Anybody else? Lotus Esprit, yeah?

Now, this has actually come from the manufacturer. Lotus? Lotus.

When you ring the number,

they will say, "What's that picture?" "The Lotus Esprit."

They want to prove this is their shape so they can copyright it.

How can they do that? Well, we can ensure they don't.

If you get one of these, ring up

and when they say, "What's that picture?", say, "Double Gloucester."

That way, every time somebody buys a Ferrari or a Lotus or a...

What was the...? A Lamborghini. Or a Seat if they get round to it.

More money for Britain's beleagured cheese-makers. Good. Good point.

Yeah.

A quick question for you - how much do you reckon this F355 is worth?

What do you reckon? 80, 90, 60, 40? None of those.

It's worth about 20 grand.

This is our cheap thrills show - this isn't a Ferrari.

This is a Toyota MR2 that's been made to look almost exactly like a F355.

The bloke who built this, once he'd turned his Toyota MR2 into a Ferrari replica,

rang his insurance company.

"Well," they said, "it's now classed as a kit car." His premium went from £1,200 to £300.

A cheap thrill. There's a problem, and it links back to what James said about copyrighting cheese.

Ferrari won't be too pleased about somebody copying their shape.

In fact, they'll probably go after the bloke who built it.

So, he's disappeared, he's escaped to the Midlands underground.

Wanted by the Italians, he still survives as a soldier of fortune.

But if you want one, if you need his help,

and if you can find him, maybe you can buy this replica.

Last year, in the BBC's Great Britons, I made the case for Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

He'd have won but at the last moment, a flock of fools rang up to vote for the drunken Kurd-murderer.

Still, it gave us an idea - why not try and find the greatest car?

So, over the next few weeks, various people are going to argue for their contender.

And then you at home can vote.

It was going to be a top ten as we have ten programmes,

but due to the unique way the BBC is funded, it's a top nine.

Here to argue his case is ex-Formula One commentator - and boy, don't we miss him -

Murray Walker.

The Ford Model T. The Beetle, the Mini.

People say they're the greatest cars of all time.

They sold in their millions to the masses. But I say the opposite.

I say the greatest car of all time is unique and exclusive,

built without compromise and regardless of cost.

It is the McLaren F1, the greatest road car ever.

ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SCREECH

Wow!

My God!

I've never driven a 627hp car before.

I'm going to be mighty careful, but even in my pathetic way,

that getaway felt sensational.

The great thing about this McLaren F1

is the central driving position.

It is literally like driving an enormously powered 4-wheel motorbike.

You can put it exactly where you want.

I'll stop talking because I've got to concentrate on this chicane.

Right, left, wow, wow!

Wow! Up a gear. That was a nice gear change. I'm pleased with that.

The second chicane here, on with the stoppers.

I'll give it some boot coming out.

Yahoo! Yes!

The McLaren F1 still holds the world record

for the fastest production car ever made, with a top speed of 240mph.

And it can go from rest to 100mph and back to rest in 11.4 seconds.

The cost? £634,500.

But numbers don't tell the whole story.

The McLaren F1 is great because it's the passion and vision of one man.

It's an example of man and machine in harmony.

It's a machine that's the work of a genius.

The focus was on trying to build the best sports car in the world.

'And the Grand Prix is under way.'

That genius is Gordon Murray,

the lateral-thinking visionary behind championship-winning cars for Brabham and McLaren.

'Nelson Piquet, in the Brabham Alfa Romeo...'

The car should be the best quality, best for driving,

and it should be not a racing car, but one you could drive to France.

You can see the obsessiveness of a Formula 1 design genius in the car's details.

He set straight parameters for width and weight.

He said there should be no driver aids, like power steering.

And he refused to give way on them.

There are 20 metres of 22-carat gold foil in every car.

The engine is lined with it for heat dispersion.

Even the titanium tool kit is gold-plated.

There's a fantastic driver's handbook,

with two pages on how to get into the driver's seat!

Hear this. At the time of the launch, just the car's exhaust system

cost more than a top-of-the-range BMW 7 Series. How much?

50,000 quid.

Now I'm with someone who knows what he's doing in this McLaren F1.

It's difficult to give you an idea

of what the performance of this car can be like,

because you run out of superlatives!

It will go from standstill to 200 miles an hour

in 28 seconds. Unbelievable!

My head goes right back when the power feeds in.

It's an unbelievable experience!

And all the time, of course,

I am very much aware of the fact

that that fabulous V12, 627 horsepower,

BMW engine is doing the business behind me,

and my goodness, it really does do the business. Wow!

Some might argue that the McLaren F1 is just another supercar.

But although other supercars may be fast and beautiful,

accountants have interfered, and the result is a compromise.

None of them are purebreds from the ground up like this car.

If you took one car and put it in a capsule

to send into space to show other civilisations what we can do, this would be it.

That's why, for me, it's the greatest road car of all time.

TYRES SQUEAL

Is he very much mistaken? I think he is.

But, if you want to vote for the McLaren F1, call:

09001 99 00 01.

That is the hardest number ever to remember!

09001 99 00 01 - that's a binary number!

It's slightly easier to vote for the Mustang and the others:

You can vote for any of those right now. The legal stuff now -

lines close on 16th July.

We'll bring you the result on 20th July.

Calls cost money - no more than 10p, apparently.

The lines are open now, so get voting.

For this programme I was asked to

find a fun car for not much money.

And I failed...completely.

This is the Bowler Wildcat. Nice name.

It's based on a Land Rover,

but it has one key element missing from normal Land Rovers - speed.

An Aston Martin DB7 will go from 0-60mph in 4.9 seconds.

This will do it in 4.8.

It does cost fifty grand.

But everything's relative. This is the best off-roader in the world.

And it's road legal.

So, how has a sheep-lugger from

Solihull become an off-road Ferrari?

The Bowler Wildcats are built by two brothers in Derbyshire.

Instead of a heavy chassis, they

use a raised-car style space frame that takes three weeks to weld.

These body panels - fibreglass.

The engine is a 5-litre, 300bhp Land Rover TVR hybrid V8.

And the interior... Well...

..there isn't one! But, you know, you don't care.

You just...don't.

Fifty grand might sound a lot of money for a car

that started life as a Land Rover.

You can buy a BMW M5

for that money.

But think about it - a lot of manufacturers claim to have

a racing pedigree.

But you couldn't turn up at Le Mans in your M5...or your Ferrari, for that matter,

But you could buy a Wildcat and the next day be on the start line at the Paris-Dakar.

Now, the scary bit.

Straight on. Left. Ooh. Ow! That hurt.

The suspension is made by Bowler

and it is, of course,

fully adjustable. The spec list includes FIA-spec fuel tanks,

an integrated fire extinguisher...

and best of all,

an onboard water supply for desert racing. Ha-ha!

The power from that...

5-litre, half-TVR half-Land Rover V8

is just eating the world.

It's incredible!

This is...fast in a whole new way.

This... I c... Ha-ha! Oh-ho!

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Argh! How can anything survive this...including me?!

At this moment now, second...third! Ah-ha-ha!

What a feeling!

I am a driving god! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...!

It's the most fun I've had in a car.

But you can only do so much of it. You haven't started yet!

Thanks. That's Jim.

He races this. He's raced everything else. Now this.

Oh, good(!) Think I'll put my helmet on.

# Hey, do you love me...? #

I drove it fast,

but Jim took it to another level. This was an epic ride.

Incredible. And most incredible of all was

how the machinery stood this punishment.

What does it do to your insides? I dislodged a lung in Italy.

Dislodged a lung?!

Of course, they tested the Bowl.

In computer simulations, it simply outpaced the computer.

After a 40ft drop onto its nose in the desert,

nothing, nothing happened.

If you stood ten tonne weights on its roof, nothing would happen.

Nothing at all.

Do you know, it's not just a cheap thrill.

At £50,000, it's a bargain because it really is a supercar.

More than that, it's a supercar that's virtually indestructible.

That was a fantastic film, yes?

ALL: Yes! And a brilliant car as well.

There's one bit I want to see again. May we?

What a feeling! Ah, I'm a driving god!

I am a driving god!

What, if you take a dog for a walk, "I am a dog-walking god!"

It was a big moment. It's like being in a cartoon in that thing.

Yes... You got carried away. I got very carried away. I'm not a driving god, it was a mistake.

But I do know someone who is a driving god.

To find out how the Bowler would do on the Top Gear test track,

please welcome His Holiness, the Stig.

So it's off the line with a bit of wheel spin there.

This does 0-60 in 4.8 seconds. Wonder what the Stig's listening to?

# Stand by your man... #

Oh, my word.

It doesn't get much worse than that. That is grizzling.

By the looks of it there, he's lost it!

No, he's kept it all together. Just listen to that V8.

Clearly the Stig isn't there. There's a bit of body roll there.

The Stig is really pushing this thing as hard as it will go.

The test, he'll be coming up to the follow through.

Will the Bowler roll? It looks solid.

Very little body roll, 300 horsepower now,

belting out onto the straight, two bends to go now.

Ooh, my word, that is on the edge!

Gambon Corner ahead. He's gone off-road. He crosses the line in...

one minute, 39.4.

There you go...Hold on a second! It's not hard to be a driving god

in a car that slow!

Now look, for a car like that... That £50,000 car.

..I think that is pretty impressive.

I'll grant you it is impressive. It's in the script I should argue but I won't because I love that car.

That's it for this evening. No.

It's not... It seems the driving god has more to say.

What is it, driving god? Things I wish I'd never said.

Earlier on, I toasted that Nissan Sunny.

While we had the Jet dragster, it was a shame to burn just one thing I hate.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, have you got anything else to burn?

No, that's it. OK, we can end.

Next week, the show is about luxury, spelt with two g's in the middle.

Pull up your Parker Knoll, crack open some Lambrusco.

We've on the new Rolls-Royce, one of the Queen's cars,

and we find Britain's fastest political party. Good night.

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2003

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk