Original subtitles

( rock music playing )

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME BRIAN REGAN.

YEAH. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT, MAN.

( cheering )

THANKS.

I WAS AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE THIS MORNING,

AND I READ IN THE NEWSPAPER THAT MORE AND MORE ADULTS

ARE LIVING AT HOME WITH THEIR PARENTS.

THAT SURPRISED ME.

I WAS LIKE, "MOM, DID YOU READ THIS?"

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

SO SURPRISED, I COUGHED FRUIT LOOPS ALL OVER MY BIB.

( muttering )

CAME OUT ALL HAPHAZARDLY.

I'M JOKING. MY MOM READ THAT FOR ME.

"SOUND IT OUT. SOUND IT OUT."

"MOR-EE AND MOR-EE

ADOOLTS..."

I DON'T LIKE READING THE NEWSPAPER.

ALSO, THEY NEVER WRAP UP A STORY ON THE FRONT PAGE,

AND I'M NEVER CURIOUS ENOUGH TO GO INSIDE

TO FIND OUT HOW ANYTHING EVER ENDS.

"AND AFTER A NINE-YEAR TRIAL,

THE JURY FINALLY CAME IN

WITH A VERDICT OF...

CONTINUED ON PAGE 22, COLUMN C."

I GUESS I'LL NEVER KNOW.

EVER SEE THESE PEOPLE?

"I WANT TO LEARN.

I WANT TO BE A LEARNER OF THINGS."

YOU WANT ME TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON,

YOU PUT A PICTURE OF IT ON THE FRONT PAGE.

READING'S HARD. YOU EVER TRY THAT?

NO, I READ GOOD.

GOODLY.

BUT I HATE WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO READ SOMETHING

AND YOU COME ACROSS THE EXPRESSION,

"ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER."

WHAT IN THE HELL KINDA LAZY WRITING IS THAT?

ISN'T THAT YOUR JOB AS THE WRITER

TO TELL ME HOW THIS LED TO THAT?

YOU CAN JUST THROW THAT IN THERE?

"ADOLF HITLER WAS REJECTED AS A YOUNG MAN

IN HIS APPLICATION TO ART SCHOOL.

ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER...

AND THE UNITED STATES DROPPED TWO ATOMIC BOMBS

ON THE SOVEREIGN NATION OF JAPAN."

THIS IS SOME PAMPHLET!

IT'S HARD TO READ. I HATE WHEN A SENTENCE DRAGS ON,

'CAUSE MY BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE A LONG SENTENCE.

"THE CORPORATION HAD ORIGINALLY DECIDED

THAT A RESTRUCTURING OF ITS CHARTER

SHOULD BE PRECEDED BY A PRELIMINARY--"

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?

OKAY, HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT.

"THE CORPORATION--" OKAY, THE CORPORATION.

PUT SMOKESTACKS ON THAT.

"HAD ORIGINALLY--" OKAY, THIS THING HAD BEFORE.

I'M GONNA MOVE THAT TO THE PAST.

AND THAT'S A TIMELINE.

SMOKESTACKS-- THEY'RE NOT EVEN HERE YET.

THAT'S A-COMIN'.

"THE CORPORATION HAD ORIGINALLY DECIDED--"

"HEY, WE BETTER--" I PUT LITTLE PEOPLE IN THE WINDOW

MAKING DECISIONS.

"HEY, WE BETTER--"

THAT'S HOW I READ IN THE LIBRARY.

"HEY, SMOKESTACKS, EH!"

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"SHH, I'M TRYING TO READ!

LIBRARY!" ( mutters )

SO I'M TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO READ BETTER, YOU KNOW?

I TOOK A SPEED READING COURSE.

AND NOT TO BRAG, BUT MY SPEED SHOT UP

TO 43 PAGES A MINUTE.

YOU TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD, MAN.

I WAS FLYING.

SPARKS COMING OFF THE FINGERTIPS.

PEOPLE NEXT TO ME IN CLASS--

"HE'S A RAPID READER!" LIKE ALL PROUD.

I'M TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO READ, 'CAUSE I READ BETTER--

I HEAR IT'S LIKE, GOOD FOR YOU OR SOMETHING? ANYBODY HERE...?

IT'S GOT A GOOD REPUTATION, RIGHT?

NOBODY EVER BADMOUTHS IT.

YOU NEVER SEE A POINT-COUNTERPOINT SHOW ABOUT READING.

"AND IN THE PRO SIDE OF READING--"

LIKE A PROFESSOR WITH A BOWTIE.

"AND IN THE OPPOSITE SIDE--"

"HEY, LET ME TELL YOU, READING DON'T NEVER DO NOTHING.

'CAUSE IF YOU HAD-- IF YOU HAD-- HAVE HAD--

HAVE HASEDED-- IF YOU DID HAVADID--"

( muttering )

"THE BOOK-- AND YOU LOOKS--

HAD LOOKS-- HAVE LOOKS--

HAS LOOKS-- HAVE LOOKS AT IT--"

( muttering )

"THEN YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN KNOW WHY YOU HAD DO THAT."

"I HAVE NOTHING TO ADD.

"I'D LIKE TO YIELD THE REMAINDER OF MY TIME TO MY OPPONENT...

IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS. PLEASE."

IF READING MAKES YOU SMART,

THEN HOW COME WHEN YOU READ A BOOK,

THEY HAVE TO PUT THE TITLE OF THE BOOK

ON THE TOP OF EVERY SINGLE PAGE IN THAT BOOK?

DOES EVERYONE EVER GET HALFWAY THROUGH A BOOK,

"WHAT THE HELL AM I READING?

OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE AT THE TOP. OKAY.

I FORGET AGAIN! OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE.

WHOA, THAT IS HANDY."

( mutters ) "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M-- YES, I DO.

YES, I DO NOW.

THAT'S GOOD. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE

TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE COVER.

DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS READIN'.

DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS READIN'.

KNEW I WAS READING SOMETHIN'. DIDN'T KNOW WHAT."

EVERY PAGE.

WHY? WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOVIES,

THEY DON'T PUT THE TITLE ON TOP OF THE SCREEN.

"'PLANET OF THE APES.' OKAY.

I WAS SEEING ALL THESE APES.

AND I'M THINKING, 'WHAT IS GOING ON?'

IT'S A PLANET OF THEM. OKAY.

IF THE WHOLE PLANET IS OF THEM,

THAT EXPLAINS THESE APES."

HEY, I BRING IT UP--

I'M BRAGGING 'CAUSE I DID SOME WRITING FOR THAT MOVIE,

THE REMAKE OF "PLANET OF THE APES," YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T WRITE THE SCRIPT OR ANYTHING,

BUT I WROTE SOME LINES

THAT THEY ENDED UP NOT USING.

YOU DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GONNA USE 'EM OR NOT.

I WROTE ONE LINE-- I THOUGHT IT WOULD'VE BEEN PERFECT.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE SAW THE MOVIE.

IT'S THE SCENE WHERE THE APE GENERAL COMES IN,

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO DECIDE IF THEY SHOULD ATTACK RIGHT THEN

OR WAIT UNTIL A LITTLE BIT LATER.

I WROTE, "MAN, THESE BANANAS ARE GOOD!"

YEAH, BUT THEY DIDN'T USE IT.

ALL THAT RESEARCH, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW A MOVIE'S NOT GONNA BE GOOD

WHEN THE REVIEWS THEY PICK FOR THE ADS

ARE LIKE, FROM REALLY OBSCURE PUBLICATIONS, YOU KNOW?

"'TERRIFIC,' SAYS 'THE HOBOKEN AUTO TRADER.'"

"'THUMBS UP,' SAYS 'CHANG'S CHINESE TAKEOUT' MENU."

IF A MOVIE MAKES IT REALLY BIG,

THEY DO THE OBVIOUS THING, RIGHT?

THEY MAKE AN AMUSEMENT PARK RIDE OUT OF IT.

I'VE SEEN THIS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

( deep voice ) "BATMAN: THE RIDE."

"SUPERMAN: THE RIDE."

THE CONNECTION IS OBVIOUS.

YOU GET OFF, "MAN, THAT WAS JUST LIKE THE MOVIE!

ONLY THE MOVIE HAD A STORYLINE AND CHARACTERS,

AND THAT WAS A LITTLE MORE LIKE A ROLLER COASTER.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT..."

WHAT IN THE HELL DID THAT HAVE TO DO

WITH THAT MOTION PICTURE?

THEY TRIED A LOT OF MOVIE RIDES.

SOME, JUST WAY TOO SCARY, YOU KNOW?

( deep voice ) "JFK: THE RIDE."

I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE A MOVIE STAR.

NOT THAT I'VE BEEN ASKED.

REMEMBER THERE WAS

A PLOT TO KIDNAP RUSSELL CROWE?

IT'S TRUE. IT WAS A KIDNAPPING PLOT.

FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE

WOULD EVER COME UP WITH AN IDEA LIKE THAT.

SOME GUY'S SITTING AT HIS CHECKBOOK

TRYING TO PAY BILLS.

"HONEY, I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GONNA PAY THIS VISA BILL."

"OH, YES, I DO!"

WHAT WAS THE SPARK THAT GOT THAT PLAN ROLLING?

"WE'RE GETTING CROWE!"

HOW YOU GONNA PULL THAT OFF?

YOU GONNA LIKE, MAYBE SEE HIM AT A PUBLIC EVENT?

"EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, MR. CROWE.

WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GET AN AUTOGRAPH."

"YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT A PEN?"

"IN MY VAN."

THAT'S HOW KIDNAPPERS WALK.

( chuckles ) OH, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW ENOUGH THINGS.

THAT'S WHY I HATE GOING TO PARTIES,

'CAUSE EVERYBODY ELSE SEEMS TO KNOW STUFF.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MINGLE AROUND?

YOU EVER WALK UP TO A GROUP AT A PARTY,

AND THEN YOU INSTANTLY FIND OUT THEY'RE TALKING

ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S WAY OVER YOUR HEAD?

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO IN THAT SITUATION.

I WISH I KNEW HOW TO SAY, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

MAY I STILL STAND HERE?"

I'M GONNA START DOING THAT.

I WAS AT A PARTY, AND I WALKED UP TO THESE PEOPLE.

THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT ART.

AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ART.

SO OF COURSE I SAID, "OH, I LOVE ART."

( muttering )

( screaming ) NO! NO!

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

"WELL, WHAT MUSEUMS HAVE YOU BEEN TO?"

"I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW."

I COULD NOT THINK OF A SINGLE MUSEUM NAME,

AND I HAD JUST RELEASED "I LOVE ART" LIKE A FLOCK OF DOVES.

( blows )

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I'M STANDING THERE-- THEN I REMEMBERED I HAD READ ABOUT A MUSEUM

IN FRANCE OR SOMETHING.

SO I FIGURED I'M LYING ANYWAY,

I MIGHT AS WELL LIE TO GET OUT OF THAT FIRST LIE.

THERE'S NOTHING SMARTER THAN THAT TECHNIQUE.

SO I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I WAS IN 'PAREE'

AT THE 'LA-OUVER.'"

"DO YOU LIKE MONET?"

"I LOVE MONET.

IN FACT, I SPENT A LOT OF 'MONET'

WHEN I WAS IN 'PAREE.'"

"WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CEZANNE?"

"'WIN-TEAR.'"

"DO YOU LIKE FRANCIS BACON?"

"I PREFER JIMMY DEAN PURE PORK SAUSAGE."

HOW DO YOU DECIDE IF ART IS ANY GOOD?

WHO'S IN CHARGE OF THAT?

REALISTIC ART YOU CAN TELL,

'CAUSE YOU CAN COMPARE IT TO THE REAL THING.

"HEY, THERE'S A PAINTING OF A BOWL OF FRUIT.

HEY, THERE'S A REAL BOWL OF FRUIT!

THAT'S A GREAT PAINTING!"

"THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE A BOWL OF FRUIT!"

EVERYBODY AGREES AND YOU MOVE ON.

"MAN, THAT GUY CAN PAINT SOME FRUIT!"

( high voice ) "THAT LOOK JUST LIKE A APPLE!"

BUT ABSTRACT ART,

WHO DECIDES IF THAT'S GOOD OR NOT?

LIKE PICASSO,

HE PUTS TWO EYES ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE FACE.

IF I WERE JUDGING,

I'D HAVE TO TAKE POINTS OFF.

"PABLO, LOOK AROUND.

DOES ANYONE HAVE TWO EYES ON THE SAME SIDE OF THEIR FACE?

NO, HENCE THE LOW SCORE."

PEOPLE SAY, "THAT'S JUST IT, BRIAN, HE SEES THINGS DIFFERENTLY."

"THEN HE SHOULDN'T BE PAINTING.

MIGHT WANT TO GIVE HIM A CAMERA,

'CAUSE HE'S NOT EVEN CLOSE ON THESE IMAGES."

NOT SURE IF THAT'S OPEN-MINDED OR NOT.

I'M TRYING TO BE OPEN-MINDED

AS I GET OLDER. I'M TRYING TO DO THINGS I HAD NEVER DONE.

LIKE, I RECENTLY WENT TO THREE DIFFERENT BALLETS.

AND I LOVE TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO LIKE THOSE A LITTLE BIT.

THREE DIFFERENT BALLETS.

THEY ALL HAD LIKE THE SAME STORY.

SO I WROTE A BALLET.

I'M GONNA SUBMIT IT.

THIS IS THE BALLET I WROTE.

THIS MAN MEETS THIS WOMAN.

AND HE WANTS TO MARRY HER,

BUT HE CAN'T MARRY HER

BECAUSE SHE'S ALREADY GETTING READY TO MARRY SOMEBODY ELSE,

SO THEY ALL DANCE AROUND FOR A COUPLE HOURS.

PUT IN PARENTHESES, "DO A LOT OF THAT 'UP ON THE TOE' BUSINESS."

WHICH THEY SEEM TO LIKE TO DO.

I'VE BEEN TO ONE OPERA, WHICH I LIKED.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

IT WAS LIKE ANOTHER LANGUAGE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE AN INTERPRETER COME OUT BETWEEN THE LYRICS

SO YOU COULD FOLLOW THE STORY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE THE BIG GUY'S OUT THERE-- ( mimics opera singing )

( singing ) * HE KINDA LIKES HER

( mimics opera singing )

* BUT SHE'S REALLY NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO HIM OR ANYTHING *

( mimics opera singing )

* SOMETHING ABOUT HIS BOOT AND A RADIATOR *

I WISH I KNEW ANOTHER LANGUAGE.

I STUDIED SPANISH GROWING UP IN MIAMI, FLORIDA,

BUT I NEVER SAW ANY OF THE PHRASES APPLIED THAT WE LEARNED.

WE NEVER WENT TO DOWNTOWN MIAMI--

WHERE THE OLDER CUBAN MEN WOULD PLAY DOMINOES,

DRINK CUBAN COFFEE AND SMOKE CIGARS--

THEY WEREN'T SAYING THE STUFF WE HAD LEARNED IN SPANISH CLASS.

( Spanish accent ) "THERE ARE MANY BOOKS IN THE LIBRARY."

"THE TRACTOR IS RED."

"I HAVE A CANARY...

AND IT IS PRETTY."

"PRETTY, PRETTY CANARY.

PRETTY CANARY."

THEY ARE PRETTY.

I REMEMBER TAKING SPANISH TESTS WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL.

I WOULD JUST TAKE ALL THE ENGLISH WORDS

AND ADD "O" TO THE END OF 'EM.

I GOT AN F-O.

YOU WANNA KNOW, OR ELSE--

'CAUSE YOU GET IN SITUATIONS IF YOU DON'T KNOW.

I RECENTLY WENT TO THE BURGER KING DRIVE-THROUGH,

AND I GOT TALKED INTO BUYING A FRANCHISE

IN PENSACOLA, FLORIDA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I'M AT THE WINDOW,

- "I'D LIKE A HAMBURGER." - ( mimics static )

( Spanish accent ) "WOULD YOU LIKE FRANCHISE WITH THAT..."

( mimicking static, accent ) "IN PENSACOLA?"

"YES, I WOULD."

I'M GLAD I HAD A COUPON.

50¢ OFF.

50¢.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW ENGLISH.

I HAD A GUY COME UP TO ME AFTER A SHOW.

WEIRDEST THING EVER SAID TO ME.

HE GOES, "YOU MISPRONOUNCED EVERY WORD IN YOUR SHOW."

IF THAT IS NOT THE "EPITOAM" OF "HYPERBOWL..."

I'M TRYING TO LEARN STUFF, MAN.

I'M WATCHING TV, DOING EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING THESE LAW SHOWS-- THE REAL LAW STUFF.

I NEVER UNDERSTAND WHEN THEY SAY,

( deep voice ) "A NO-NONSENSE JUDGE PRESIDED OVER THE TRIAL."

"A NO-NONSENSE JUDGE."

AS OPPOSED TO WHAT?

A TYPICAL JUDGE, I GUESS, WHO STARTS A TRIAL,

( high voice ) "OKAY...

I WOULD LIKE TO BEGIN

BY SPINNING THE PROPELLER ON MY BEANIE.

TU-TU-TU-TU-TU!

YOU MAY HAVE GATHERED...

I AM A NONSENSE JUDGE.

IF ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING THAT MAKES SENSE, I'LL OVERRULE IT.

LET'S THE NONSENSE BEGIN." ( high-pitched noises )

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

I KNOW JUDGES ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE OUT

CRUEL OR UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.

CRUEL, OF COURSE, BUT UNUSUAL--

WHO'S TO SAY?

I'M SURE SOME JUDGES HAVE BUMPED UP AGAINST THE LINE ON THAT ONE.

"FOR YOUR PUNISHMENT,

I WANT YOU TO PLACE A SLICE OF BALONEY UPON YOUR FACE.

CUT OUT THE EYE HOLES.

I WANT YOU TO PUT ON SOME BURLAP SHOES

AND GO TO THE LOCAL MALL AND BEGIN YODELING."

"OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR, A BIT UNUSUAL, DON'T YOU THINK?"

"ALL RIGHT, 10 DAYS IN JAIL."

( growls )

YOU KNOW WHAT THE LAMEST CRIME IS?

LOITERING. LOITERING.

CAN YOU IMAGINE A GUY WITH A 30-PAGE RAP SHEET, THAT'S ALL IT SAYS ON THERE?

"LOITERING, LOITERING, LOITERING,

LOITERING, LOITERING, LOITERING--"

THIS GUY'S GOT NOWHERE TO GO.

"LOITERING, LOITERING, LOITERING."

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A GUY LIKE THAT?

THROW HIM IN JAIL WHERE HE CAN'T GO ANYWHERE?

LOITERING. IS SOMETHING REALLY A CRIME

WHEN IT'S REMEDIED AS EASILY AS "ALL RIGHT, MOVE ALONG."

ON THE OTHER END OF THE SPECTRUM,

I THINK THE MOST HORRIBLE NAME FOR A CRIME

HAS TO BE "MANSLAUGHTER."

DAMN, CAN YOU PLEASE CHANGE THE TERMINOLOGY?

CAN ANYTHING CONJURE UP ANYTHING MORE HIDEOUS?

"SO WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?" "MANSLAUGHTER!"

"I SLAUGHTERED A MAN...

JUST LIKE A PIG!

PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH."

"WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?" "LOITERING.

I'M LIKE YOU, MAN, I LIVE ON THE EDGE.

THEY'RE LIKE, 'YOU GOTTA MOVE ALONG.'

AND I'M LIKE, 'I DON'T THINK SO.'"

( cheering, applause )

ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

I WAS LOOKING IN THE YELLOW PAGES UNDER ATTORNEYS.

THEY TAKE ADS OUT AND THEY LIST THE THINGS THEY DEAL WITH.

I SAW TWO ADS NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

ONE SAID, "SLIP AND FALL."

THE ONE NEXT TO IT SAID, "SLIP, TRIP AND FALL."

COULD YOU TRIP AND CALL THE WRONG GUY?

"I TRIPPED AND I FELL."

"WE DO 'SLIP AND FALL.'"

"YEAH, I TRIPPED."

"WE DO SLIPS. 'SLIP AND FALL.'"

"I REMEMBER, I SLIPPED AT FIRST.

I REMEMBER THINKING,

'HEY, I'M PREDOMINANTLY SLIPPING.'"

"AND THEN YOU TRIPPED?" "YEAH."

"WE DON'T DO THAT."

SOME LAW FIRMS DEAL WITH D.U.I.,

THEN "AGGRAVATED D.U.I."

"DO YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?"

"YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW WHY YOU PULLED ME OVER."

SOME LAW FIRMS DEAL WITH "LOSS OF LIMB."

YOU KNOW? WHICH MIGHT BE A LEGITIMATE CASE.

BUT NONE OF THEM DEAL WITH ADDITION OF LIMB.

I KNOW THAT WOULD BE UNUSUAL,

BUT WHO WOULD YOU CALL? "I WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL,

AND THEY ACCIDENTALLY PUT AN EXTRA ARM

IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CHEST."

"WE DO LOSS OF LIMB."

THE GUY THEY TOOK IT FROM IS GONNA CALL YOU IN A SECOND...

CAN YOU HELP ME?"

"LET ME GIVE YOU A NUMBER TO A MALPRACTICE ATTORNEY.

DO YOU HAVE A PEN?" "YEAH, I'M HOLDING A PEN.

AND A PAPER. AND A PHONE."

IT MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD.

I SERVED JURY DUTY ONE TIME.

THEY WOULD PUT US IN THE JURY BOX AND ASK US QUESTIONS.

IF THE LAWYERS DIDN'T LIKE YOUR ANSWER,

THEY COULD KICK YOU OFF AND SEND YOU HOME.

ONE OF THE QUESTIONS WAS,

"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE VICTIM OF A CRIME?"

I REALIZED VERY QUICKLY EVERYONE'S TRYING TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY,

SO EVERYONE'S TRYING TO TOP EACH OTHER

SO THEY GET KICKED OFF.

IT'S LIKE A GAME SHOW.

I'D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

"NUMBER ONE, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE VICTIM OF A CRIME?"

"YEAH, I WAS MUGGED THREE TIMES.

TWICE AT KNIFE-POINT AND ONCE AT GUNPOINT.

AND I HAD MY CAR STOLEN FROM MY DRIVEWAY.

SOMEBODY TOOK MY PET MY FROM MY YARD.

SOMEBODY SMACKED ME AND THAT MADE ME CRY."

"OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I GOTCHA.

NUMBER TWO, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE VICTIM OF A CRIME?"

"YEAH, I WAS MUGGED FIVE TIMES.

THREE TIMES AT KNIFE-POINT, ONE TIME AT GUNPOINT,

AND ANOTHER TIME AT ANOTHER POINT.

I GET CARJACKED EVERY DAY.

WHEN I WALK MY PETS, PEOPLE GO, 'GIVE ME THOSE!'

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS HITTING ME WITH BRICKS.

I'M ALWAYS SOBBING AND WEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY."

"WHOA, HEY. WOW.

ALL RIGHT.

HANG ON.

NUMBER THREE, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE VICTIM OF A CRIME?"

"YEAH, I MUGGED SEVEN PEOPLE.

I STOLE NINE CARS."

"NO, VICTIM." "OH, VICTIM?

OH, NO, NO."

I WAS TALKING ABOUT GAME SHOWS.

I LIKE WATCHING THEM.

AND MY FAVORITE PART IS THE BEGINNING

WHEN THE CONTESTANTS COME OUT AND TELL YOU

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THEMSELVES.

IT'S LIKE THEIR ONLY REAL MOMENT.

SOMETIMES THEY HAVE SOMETHING INTERESTING TO SAY,

AND THE HOST NEVER ASKS A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION. IT JUST KILLS ME.

"NUMBER ONE, TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF."

"MY NAME IS EUGENE. I'M A SCIENTIST.

I'M CLOSE TO ISOLATING A GENE. IF SUCCESSFUL,

I'LL BE ABLE TO CURE EVERY DISEASE KNOWN TO MAN."

"ALL RIGHT. READY TO SPIN THE WHEEL?"

"YOU DON'T WANT TO HIT A 'ZONKO'

OR YOU'RE GONNA HEAR THIS--"

( hums "incorrect answer" music )

"HOW ABOUT YOU, NUMBER TWO?"

"MY NAME'S TOBY, AND I GOTS A DOG."

"OH REALLY, WHAT KIND OF DOG YOU HAVE?"

THAT'S WHAT'S ON MY TV SET.

I'M NOT SURE WHERE THEY GET SOME OF THESE CONTESTANTS.

"TRUE OR FALSE? PAVLOV'S THEORY PROVES

INFERIOR BEINGS WILL RESPOND TO A BELL."

"UH, TRUE?" ( mimics bell )

"YEAH!"

I WATCH TOO MUCH TV, MAN.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING THESE COOKING SHOWS.

I'M TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO COOK.

HAVEN'T LEARNED ANYTHING YET.

HELL, ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO COOK

IF EVERYTHING WAS ALREADY IN PRE-MEASURED GLASS BOWLS.

"THIS IS A VERY EASY RECIPE.

YOU JUST PICK THIS UP AND DUMP THIS IN THE POT.

THEN YOU GRAB THIS. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS,

BUT YOU SLIDE THAT IN THERE.

I'M GONNA GET MY CREW OUT HERE TO STIR THIS

WHILE I DRINK WINE."

I WANT TO SEE A REALISTIC COOKING SHOW.

"WHEN WE COME BACK, I'M GONNA SPEND 20 MINUTES

RUMMAGING THROUGH ALL MY DRAWERS

TRYING TO FIND MY MEASURING SPOON.

YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS.

TUNE IN TOMORROW, WHEN AFTER 45 MINUTES OF PREPARATION,

I REALIZE... I DON'T HAVE ANY EGGS."

TEACH ME THAT KIND OF STUFF.

ON THE COOKING SHOWS, THERE'S ALWAYS

A FINISHED ONE IN THE OVEN.

"CHECK THIS OUT. ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?"

YEAH, WISH THAT HAPPENED IN MY HOUSE.

CAN'T FIND ANYTHING. I GOT FLOUR ALL OVER MY FACE.

"THERE'S ONE IN HERE!

WE CAN EAT RIGHT NOW.

SOME COOK FAIRIES BARGED IN AND PREPARED ONE."

THERE'S A LOT OF WEIRD SHOWS.

I SAW THIS SHOW ABOUT MULES AND DONKEYS.

I HAD TO WATCH IT.

HOW DO YOU TURN THAT OFF?

AND THE HOST SAID,

"EVERYONE KNOWS MULES HAVE A TERRIFIC SENSE OF HUMOR."

I'M PART OF EVERYONE, WHAT-- YOU KNOW?

I FELT STUPID.

SO I CALLED A FRIEND UP, LIKE AT RANDOM.

"HEY, JOEY,

THIS IS GONNA SOUND LIKE A WEIRD QUESTION, BUT...

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MULES?"

"I JUST KNOW THEY HAVE A TERRIFIC SENSE OF HUMOR."

I HUNG UP. I DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOODBYE, I JUST HUNG UP.

HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW THIS?

HOW DOES ANYONE KNOW THIS?

THEN I REALIZED THEY MUST HAVE DONE A SCIENTIFIC TEST.

OTHERWISE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THE AUDACITY

TO MAKE SUCH A CLAIM.

THEY MUST'VE TESTED A MULE'S SENSE OF HUMOR.

THEY PROBABLY PUT ONE IN A STALL.

PUT A TV MONITOR IN FRONT OF HIM, YOU KNOW?

IT'S A SCIENTIFIC TEST, SO YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CONTROL.

SO THEY PROBABLY START WITH THE JIM LEHR NEWS HOUR,

JUST TO MAKE SURE HE'S NOT LAUGHING ALL THE TIME.

THEN GRADUALLY FADE UP "CADDYSHACK," YOU KNOW?

( mimics laugh )

( mimicking mule )

LOT OF WEIRD SHOWS.

SOMETHING HAS TO BE SAID

ABOUT THESE PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE--

I MEAN, THAT WHOLE THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

( laughs )

FIRST, I DON'T WANT TO STEP ON ANYBODY'S BELIEFS,

BUT, WELL, HERE WE GO.

- ( laughing, cheering ) - LISTEN.

IF YOU HAVE A PERSONAL COMMUNICATION WITH SOMEONE YOU LOST,

THAT'S VERY VALID. I'M TALKING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE ON TV,

'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS DOING IT IN FRONT OF A GROUP,

WHICH JUST SHOOTS THEIR ODDS RIGHT THROUGH THE ROOF.

"DID ANYONE HERE

LOSE A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER...

OR KNOW SOMEONE WHO DID?"

"OR HEAR ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS ON TELEVISION?

YOU DID, IN THE MEZZANINE. YES, I WAS GETTING A STRONG SIGNAL.

THIS PERSON PASSED ON RECENTLY?"

"25 YEARS AGO."

"THAT RECENTLY?!

THEN I'M GOING TO BE EXTRA SENSITIVE.

I'M GETTING AN 'M.' THE LETTER 'M.'"

"HIS NAME WAS BO ZIFFER."

"MR. BO ZIFFER?"

"HE DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES, YES?"

"HE WAS SHOT IN THE FACE BY A BAZOOKA."

"SO NATURALLY, HE'D BE DEAD."

I SAW A TV SHOW WITH A PET PSYCHIC.

PET PSYCHIC. I HAVE TO GET IN ON THIS RACKET.

"UM, SOMETHING ABOUT A BONE.

DOES SHE HAVE A BOWL OR A DISH?

SHE DOES.

CAN WE HAVE ALL YOUR CREDIT CARD INFORMATION? TERRIFIC.

IT'S TERRIFIC."

I WAS WATCHING THIS THING ON TV ABOUT PLUTO--

FORMER PLANET PLUTO.

IT GOT KICKED OUT. WOW.

HOW EMBARRASSING, GETTING KICKED OUT OF THAT GROUP.

HOW DID THAT GO DOWN?

"PLUTO, COME ON IN, HAVE A SEAT."

"IT'S THE HARDEST THING I HAVE TO DO AROUND HERE, PLUTO.

I'M GONNA CUT RIGHT TO THE QUICK.

YOU'RE NO LONGER A PLANET."

( high voice ) "OH!

HUH?

WELL, WHAT AM I?"

"THE BEST WE CAN FIGURE, YOU'RE JUST A BIG NOTHING."

( groans )

"CAN I STILL GO AROUND THE SUN?"

"FEEL FREE." "OHH!"

( screaming )

"WHAT ARE YOU?" "I'M JUST A BIG NOTHING!"

WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO BE TOLD.

THAT WAS DECIDED BY THE PLANET DEFINITION COMMITTEE.

IT'S AN ACTUAL COMMITTEE.

THEY GET TOGETHER AND--

WELL, YOU CAN IMAGINE THE WILD TIMES.

WHAT, DO THEY WEAR THEIR COLORS?

TATTOOS-- "BORN TO DEFINE."

WHAT DO THEY DO? I GUESS THERE'S A GUY WITH A GAVEL.

"OKAY, EVERYBODY, FOCUS!

I KNOW EVERYONE'S EXCITED.

A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE LAST TIME.

DAPHNE, CAN YOU READ THE CURRENT DEFINITION OF 'PLANET'?"

Man: THE BIG YELLOW ONE IS THE SUN!

( cheering, applause )

I APPRECIATE THAT INPUT...

BUT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TV THING.

( cheering, applause )

SO I'M GONNA BACK UP A SECOND.

"DAPHNE, CAN YOU READ THE CURRENT DEFINITION OF 'PLANET'?"

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, SO I CAN'T DO HER PART.

"VERY GOOD, DAPHNE."

NOT SURE WHAT I'M MAKING FUN OF.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS EITHER.

OH, MAN. I LIKE SPACE STUFF, MAN.

THEY ALWAYS SAY WE'RE LOOKING FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS.

THAT KILLS ME THEY HAVE THAT QUALIFYING CONDITION ON THERE.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE.

LIKE FINDING ANY LIFE, ANYWHERE,

WOULDN'T FREAK US OUT TOTALLY.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE MORE INTELLIGENT TYPE.

IT'S LIKE, WE HAVE FOUND PEOPLE ON NEPTUNE, BUT...

I DON'T WANT TO BE INSENSITIVE,

BUT IT'S LIKE WE STEPPED OFF THE LANDER--

( hissing )

THEN TURN, AND THERE'S A BUNCH OF--

"WE'RE FROM EARTH.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE."

"TWO PLUS TWO IS CHICKEN!"

"THAT'S A NEGATIVE, HOUSTON."

"GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS!"

"GRAB MY HAND, GRAB MY HAND!"

WE'VE HAD 12 PEOPLE ON THE MOON.

EVER SINCE WE'VE DONE THAT,

YOU HEAR ABOUT PEOPLE WHO GET UPSET

ABOUT LITTLE THINGS IN THEIR LIFE.

AND THEY BLAME THE FACT WE'VE BEEN ON THE MOON FOR THEIR PROBLEMS,

AS IF THERE'S A POSSIBLE TIE-IN, YOU KNOW?

LIKE IF THEIR PHONE CORD IS ALL TANGLED UP.

"THEY CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON,

BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE A DAMN PHONE CORD THAT WON'T BUNCH UP."

"THEY CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON!"

MAYBE IF WE NEVER DID THAT, THEY'D BE HAPPY, HUH?

"ISN'T THAT PHONE CORD DRIVING YOU CRAZY?"

"OH, NAH.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A MAN ON THE MOON YET.

WHY WOULD I LET SOMETHING LIKE THIS BOTHER ME?

I THINK LIFE'S A BOWL OF CHERRIES."

I TRAVEL WITH MY WIFE SOMETIMES.

WE WERE AT A COMEDY CLUB RECENTLY.

SOMETIMES WHEN THEY INTRODUCE YOU, THEY PLAY MUSIC.

YOU COME OUT TO MUSIC.

MY WIFE WAS IN THE SOUND BOOTH.

THE SOUND GUY ASKED HER, "WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DOES BRIAN LIKE?"

SHE SAW A BEE GEES CD.

I'VE GOT NOTHING AGAINST THE BEE GEES.

BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHY THEY WERE ASKING,

SO SHE GOES, "I THINK HE LIKES THE BEE GEES."

HERE'S THE SONG THEY PICKED.

"PLEASE WELCOME BRIAN REGAN.

( high voice ) * MORE THAN A WOMAN

* MORE THAN A WOMAN TO ME... *

HEY.

YEAH. EVERYBODY CONFUSED?!

I LIKE BEING MARRIED,

BUT WHY IS IT OKAY TO SLAM HUSBANDS

ON TV COMMERCIALS?

I DON'T GET THAT.

THE WIFE IS ALWAYS OUT FRONT IN THE COMMERCIAL.

"MY HUSBAND IS SO STUPID."

HE'S IN THE BACK TANGLED UP IN THE BLINDS.

"DO YOU SEE WHAT I ENDURE?

WHY, IF HE WERE LYING FACE DOWN,

HE WOULDN'T HAVE SENSE ENOUGH TO TURN HIS HEAD TO BREATHE.

THAT'S WHY I DO HIS THINKING FOR HIM.

LIKE BUYING HIM THESE MUFFINS."

"AND THEY'RE GOOD TOO!"

"IS THEY GOOD FOR ME?"

HOW THE HELL WOULD HE KNOW?

HE'S GOT A TINY, DUMB, LITTLE HUSBAND BRAIN.

HE WOULD HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING ANYTHING LIKE THAT ON HIS OWN.

MEN AND WOMEN, WE THINK DIFFERENTLY ABOUT SOME THINGS.

IT'S GOOD. WE'RE EQUAL BUT DIFFERENT.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

MY WIFE AND I HAVE A GOOD FRIEND

WHO GOT DIVORCED ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO.

AND NEITHER OF US HAD SEEN HIM SINCE HIS DIVORCE.

I WENT GOLFING WITH HIM LAST WEEK.

FIRST TIME I HAD SEEN HIM.

I GET BACK FROM GOLF AND MY WIFE GOES, "HOW'S GARY?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING GOLFING WITH GARY TODAY."

"I DID."

"AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HE'S DOING?"

"IT NEVER REALLY CAME UP.

DID YOU ASK ME TO ASK HIM THAT?"

"NO, I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WOULD THINK TO ASK HIM THAT."

"I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT."

"WELL, IS HE DATING ANYONE?"

"I-I DON'T KNOW.

HOW WOULD I KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

"WERE YOU TWO IN THE SAME GOLF CART?"

"YEAH."

"YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

YOU WERE IN THE SAME GOLF CART FOR FOUR HOURS,

AND YOU DON'T KNOW IF HE'S DATING ANYONE?"

"I KNOW HE'S GOT A NEW DRIVER."

"HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE THAT WOULDN'T COME UP?"

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE THAT WOULD COME UP?

"THAT 150 MARKER'S RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE PROBABLY AT ABOUT 135.

( shouting ) ARE YOU DATING ANYONE?!"

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT, MAN.

THANK YOU.

( rock music playing )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( rock music playing )