1
00:00:08,833 --> 00:00:11,167
( rock music playing )

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Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME BRIAN REGAN.

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00:00:41,700 --> 00:00:44,200
YEAH.
THANK YOU.

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00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,867
THANK YOU
VERY, VERY MUCH.

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YOU GUYS ARE
GREAT, MAN.

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( cheering )

7
00:00:51,367 --> 00:00:52,433
THANKS.

8
00:00:52,533 --> 00:00:55,000
I WAS AT THE BREAKFAST
TABLE THIS MORNING,

9
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:57,967
AND I READ IN THE NEWSPAPER
THAT MORE AND MORE ADULTS

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ARE LIVING AT HOME
WITH THEIR PARENTS.

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THAT SURPRISED ME.

12
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I WAS LIKE, "MOM,
DID YOU READ THIS?"

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I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

14
00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:10,300
SO SURPRISED,
I COUGHED FRUIT LOOPS
ALL OVER MY BIB.

15
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( muttering )

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00:01:12,167 --> 00:01:14,067
CAME OUT
ALL HAPHAZARDLY.

17
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I'M JOKING.
MY MOM READ THAT FOR ME.

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"SOUND IT OUT.
SOUND IT OUT."

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"MOR-EE AND MOR-EE

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ADOOLTS..."

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I DON'T LIKE
READING THE NEWSPAPER.

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ALSO, THEY NEVER
WRAP UP A STORY
ON THE FRONT PAGE,

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AND I'M NEVER CURIOUS
ENOUGH TO GO INSIDE

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TO FIND OUT HOW
ANYTHING EVER ENDS.

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"AND AFTER
A NINE-YEAR TRIAL,

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THE JURY
FINALLY CAME IN

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WITH A VERDICT OF...

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CONTINUED ON PAGE 22,
COLUMN C."

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I GUESS I'LL
NEVER KNOW.

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EVER SEE THESE PEOPLE?

31
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"I WANT TO LEARN.

32
00:02:01,967 --> 00:02:06,167
I WANT TO BE
A LEARNER OF THINGS."

33
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,300
YOU WANT ME TO KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON,

34
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YOU PUT A PICTURE
OF IT ON THE FRONT PAGE.

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READING'S HARD.
YOU EVER TRY THAT?

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NO, I READ GOOD.

37
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GOODLY.

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BUT I HATE WHEN YOU'RE
TRYING TO READ SOMETHING

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AND YOU COME ACROSS
THE EXPRESSION,

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"ONE THING LED
TO ANOTHER."

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WHAT IN THE HELL
KINDA LAZY WRITING IS THAT?

42
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ISN'T THAT YOUR JOB
AS THE WRITER

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TO TELL ME HOW
THIS LED TO THAT?

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YOU CAN JUST
THROW THAT IN THERE?

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"ADOLF HITLER
WAS REJECTED AS A YOUNG MAN

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IN HIS APPLICATION
TO ART SCHOOL.

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ONE THING LED
TO ANOTHER...

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00:02:51,767 --> 00:02:55,067
AND THE UNITED STATES
DROPPED TWO ATOMIC BOMBS

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ON THE SOVEREIGN NATION
OF JAPAN."

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THIS IS SOME PAMPHLET!

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IT'S HARD TO READ.
I HATE WHEN A SENTENCE
DRAGS ON,

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'CAUSE MY BRAIN
CAN'T HANDLE A LONG SENTENCE.

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"THE CORPORATION HAD
ORIGINALLY DECIDED

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THAT A RESTRUCTURING
OF ITS CHARTER

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SHOULD BE PRECEDED
BY A PRELIMINARY--"

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WHAT IN THE HELL
IS GOING ON?

57
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OKAY, HERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT.

58
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"THE CORPORATION--"
OKAY, THE CORPORATION.

59
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PUT SMOKESTACKS
ON THAT.

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"HAD ORIGINALLY--"
OKAY, THIS THING
HAD BEFORE.

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00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:48,233
I'M GONNA MOVE THAT
TO THE PAST.

62
00:03:48,333 --> 00:03:50,300
AND THAT'S A TIMELINE.

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SMOKESTACKS--
THEY'RE NOT EVEN HERE YET.

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THAT'S A-COMIN'.

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"THE CORPORATION
HAD ORIGINALLY DECIDED--"

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"HEY, WE BETTER--"
I PUT LITTLE PEOPLE
IN THE WINDOW

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MAKING DECISIONS.

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"HEY, WE BETTER--"

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THAT'S HOW I READ
IN THE LIBRARY.

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"HEY, SMOKESTACKS, EH!"

71
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PEOPLE ARE LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

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"SHH, I'M TRYING
TO READ!

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LIBRARY!"
( mutters )

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SO I'M TRYING TO LEARN
HOW TO READ BETTER,
YOU KNOW?

75
00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:25,467
I TOOK
A SPEED READING COURSE.

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AND NOT TO BRAG,
BUT MY SPEED SHOT UP

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TO 43 PAGES
A MINUTE.

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YOU TAKE THE GOOD
WITH THE BAD, MAN.

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I WAS FLYING.

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SPARKS COMING
OFF THE FINGERTIPS.

81
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PEOPLE NEXT TO ME
IN CLASS--

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00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:49,533
"HE'S A RAPID READER!"
LIKE ALL PROUD.

83
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:54,467
I'M TRYING
TO LEARN HOW TO READ,
'CAUSE I READ BETTER--

84
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I HEAR IT'S LIKE,
GOOD FOR YOU OR SOMETHING?
ANYBODY HERE...?

85
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IT'S GOT A GOOD
REPUTATION, RIGHT?

86
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NOBODY EVER
BADMOUTHS IT.

87
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YOU NEVER SEE
A POINT-COUNTERPOINT
SHOW ABOUT READING.

88
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,367
"AND IN THE PRO SIDE
OF READING--"

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LIKE A PROFESSOR
WITH A BOWTIE.

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00:05:09,233 --> 00:05:10,867
"AND IN THE OPPOSITE
SIDE--"

91
00:05:10,967 --> 00:05:15,067
"HEY, LET ME TELL YOU,
READING DON'T NEVER DO NOTHING.

92
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'CAUSE IF YOU HAD--
IF YOU HAD-- HAVE HAD--

93
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HAVE HASEDED--
IF YOU DID HAVADID--"

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00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:25,367
( muttering )

95
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:27,267
"THE BOOK--
AND YOU LOOKS--

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HAD LOOKS--
HAVE LOOKS--

97
00:05:28,567 --> 00:05:30,533
HAS LOOKS--
HAVE LOOKS AT IT--"

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00:05:30,633 --> 00:05:34,567
( muttering )

99
00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:39,500
"THEN YOU MIGHT
NOT EVEN KNOW WHY YOU
HAD DO THAT."

100
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"I HAVE NOTHING
TO ADD.

101
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"I'D LIKE TO YIELD
THE REMAINDER OF MY TIME
TO MY OPPONENT...

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IN THE INTEREST
OF FAIRNESS.
PLEASE."

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IF READING
MAKES YOU SMART,

104
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:01,267
THEN HOW COME
WHEN YOU READ A BOOK,

105
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THEY HAVE TO PUT
THE TITLE OF THE BOOK

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ON THE TOP
OF EVERY SINGLE PAGE
IN THAT BOOK?

107
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DOES EVERYONE EVER
GET HALFWAY THROUGH
A BOOK,

108
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:10,133
"WHAT THE HELL
AM I READING?

109
00:06:10,233 --> 00:06:13,167
OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE
AT THE TOP. OKAY.

110
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I FORGET AGAIN!
OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE.

111
00:06:15,233 --> 00:06:16,800
WHOA, THAT IS HANDY."

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( mutters )
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M--
YES, I DO.

113
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YES, I DO NOW.

114
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THAT'S GOOD.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE

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TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK
TO THE COVER.

116
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DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS READIN'.

117
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DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I
WAS READIN'.

118
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KNEW I WAS
READING SOMETHIN'.
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT."

119
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EVERY PAGE.

120
00:06:37,433 --> 00:06:39,400
WHY? WHEN YOU GO
TO THE MOVIES,

121
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THEY DON'T PUT
THE TITLE ON TOP
OF THE SCREEN.

122
00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:03,133
"'PLANET OF THE APES.'
OKAY.

123
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I WAS SEEING
ALL THESE APES.

124
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:09,233
AND I'M THINKING,
'WHAT IS GOING ON?'

125
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IT'S A PLANET OF THEM.
OKAY.

126
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,167
IF THE WHOLE PLANET
IS OF THEM,

127
00:07:15,267 --> 00:07:17,867
THAT EXPLAINS
THESE APES."

128
00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:27,567
HEY, I BRING IT UP--

129
00:07:27,667 --> 00:07:29,900
I'M BRAGGING 'CAUSE
I DID SOME WRITING
FOR THAT MOVIE,

130
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THE REMAKE
OF "PLANET OF THE APES,"
YOU KNOW?

131
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:34,400
I DIDN'T WRITE
THE SCRIPT OR ANYTHING,

132
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:36,067
BUT I WROTE SOME LINES

133
00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:38,733
THAT THEY ENDED UP
NOT USING.

134
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YOU DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE
GONNA USE 'EM OR NOT.

135
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,233
I WROTE ONE LINE--
I THOUGHT IT WOULD'VE
BEEN PERFECT.

136
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:46,400
I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE
SAW THE MOVIE.

137
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,733
IT'S THE SCENE WHERE
THE APE GENERAL COMES IN,

138
00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:52,200
AND THEY'RE TRYING TO DECIDE
IF THEY SHOULD ATTACK
RIGHT THEN

139
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,100
OR WAIT UNTIL
A LITTLE BIT LATER.

140
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,533
I WROTE, "MAN, THESE
BANANAS ARE GOOD!"

141
00:08:01,867 --> 00:08:04,233
YEAH, BUT THEY DIDN'T
USE IT.

142
00:08:06,133 --> 00:08:07,967
ALL THAT RESEARCH,
YOU KNOW?

143
00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:12,233
YOU KNOW A MOVIE'S
NOT GONNA BE GOOD

144
00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:14,067
WHEN THE REVIEWS
THEY PICK FOR THE ADS

145
00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:16,800
ARE LIKE, FROM REALLY
OBSCURE PUBLICATIONS,
YOU KNOW?

146
00:08:16,900 --> 00:08:20,467
"'TERRIFIC,' SAYS
'THE HOBOKEN AUTO TRADER.'"

147
00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:27,800
"'THUMBS UP,' SAYS
'CHANG'S CHINESE
TAKEOUT' MENU."

148
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:33,133
IF A MOVIE MAKES IT
REALLY BIG,

149
00:08:33,233 --> 00:08:34,667
THEY DO
THE OBVIOUS THING, RIGHT?

150
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:38,367
THEY MAKE AN AMUSEMENT
PARK RIDE OUT OF IT.

151
00:08:38,467 --> 00:08:40,167
I'VE SEEN THIS
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

152
00:08:40,267 --> 00:08:42,167
( deep voice )
"BATMAN: THE RIDE."

153
00:08:42,267 --> 00:08:44,600
"SUPERMAN: THE RIDE."

154
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:46,367
THE CONNECTION
IS OBVIOUS.

155
00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:48,900
YOU GET OFF,
"MAN, THAT WAS
JUST LIKE THE MOVIE!

156
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:51,067
ONLY THE MOVIE HAD
A STORYLINE AND CHARACTERS,

157
00:08:51,133 --> 00:08:53,533
AND THAT WAS A LITTLE
MORE LIKE A ROLLER COASTER.

158
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:55,567
BUT OTHER
THAN THAT..."

159
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:58,667
WHAT IN THE HELL
DID THAT HAVE TO DO

160
00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:00,967
WITH THAT
MOTION PICTURE?

161
00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:04,233
THEY TRIED
A LOT OF MOVIE RIDES.

162
00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:06,800
SOME, JUST WAY
TOO SCARY, YOU KNOW?

163
00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:10,067
( deep voice )
"JFK: THE RIDE."

164
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:30,700
I WOULD NEVER
WANT TO BE A MOVIE STAR.

165
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,133
NOT THAT I'VE
BEEN ASKED.

166
00:09:33,233 --> 00:09:35,333
REMEMBER THERE WAS

167
00:09:35,433 --> 00:09:38,533
A PLOT TO KIDNAP
RUSSELL CROWE?

168
00:09:38,633 --> 00:09:40,533
IT'S TRUE.
IT WAS A KIDNAPPING PLOT.

169
00:09:40,633 --> 00:09:42,967
FOR THE LIFE OF ME,
I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE

170
00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:45,600
WOULD EVER COME UP
WITH AN IDEA LIKE THAT.

171
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,300
SOME GUY'S SITTING
AT HIS CHECKBOOK

172
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,200
TRYING TO PAY BILLS.

173
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:56,833
"HONEY, I DON'T KNOW
HOW WE'RE GONNA PAY
THIS VISA BILL."

174
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,567
"OH, YES, I DO!"

175
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,100
WHAT WAS THE SPARK
THAT GOT THAT PLAN ROLLING?

176
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,233
"WE'RE GETTING CROWE!"

177
00:10:11,467 --> 00:10:12,933
HOW YOU GONNA
PULL THAT OFF?

178
00:10:13,033 --> 00:10:15,633
YOU GONNA LIKE, MAYBE
SEE HIM AT A PUBLIC EVENT?

179
00:10:15,733 --> 00:10:17,567
"EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME, MR. CROWE.

180
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:19,733
WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD GET AN AUTOGRAPH."

181
00:10:19,833 --> 00:10:22,567
"YEAH, ALL RIGHT,
YOU GOT A PEN?"

182
00:10:23,533 --> 00:10:25,567
"IN MY VAN."

183
00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:42,833
THAT'S HOW
KIDNAPPERS WALK.

184
00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:48,500
( chuckles )
OH, MAN.

185
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,600
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW ENOUGH THINGS.

186
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,500
THAT'S WHY I HATE
GOING TO PARTIES,

187
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,933
'CAUSE EVERYBODY ELSE
SEEMS TO KNOW STUFF.

188
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:57,033
YOU KNOW HOW
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO MINGLE AROUND?

189
00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:59,900
YOU EVER WALK
UP TO A GROUP AT A PARTY,

190
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:02,067
AND THEN YOU INSTANTLY
FIND OUT THEY'RE TALKING

191
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:04,167
ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT'S WAY OVER YOUR HEAD?

192
00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:06,467
I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO
IN THAT SITUATION.

193
00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:10,300
I WISH I KNEW HOW
TO SAY, "I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

194
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,600
MAY I STILL
STAND HERE?"

195
00:11:17,733 --> 00:11:20,300
I'M GONNA
START DOING THAT.

196
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,467
I WAS AT A PARTY,
AND I WALKED UP
TO THESE PEOPLE.

197
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:25,067
THEY WERE TALKING
ABOUT ART.

198
00:11:25,133 --> 00:11:27,833
AND I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT ART.

199
00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:30,433
SO OF COURSE I SAID,
"OH, I LOVE ART."

200
00:11:30,533 --> 00:11:32,333
( muttering )

201
00:11:32,433 --> 00:11:34,633
( screaming )
NO! NO!

202
00:11:34,733 --> 00:11:36,900
OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD!

203
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:38,367
OH MY GOD!

204
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:44,967
"WELL, WHAT MUSEUMS
HAVE YOU BEEN TO?"

205
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,300
"I HAVE TO GO
HOME NOW."

206
00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:58,167
I COULD NOT THINK
OF A SINGLE MUSEUM NAME,

207
00:11:58,267 --> 00:12:02,733
AND I HAD JUST RELEASED
"I LOVE ART" LIKE
A FLOCK OF DOVES.

208
00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:04,300
( blows )

209
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,200
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.

210
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:09,667
I'M STANDING THERE--
THEN I REMEMBERED I HAD
READ ABOUT A MUSEUM

211
00:12:09,767 --> 00:12:11,867
IN FRANCE
OR SOMETHING.

212
00:12:11,967 --> 00:12:14,067
SO I FIGURED
I'M LYING ANYWAY,

213
00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:18,067
I MIGHT AS WELL LIE
TO GET OUT OF THAT FIRST LIE.

214
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:21,133
THERE'S NOTHING
SMARTER THAN THAT TECHNIQUE.

215
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:25,733
SO I WAS LIKE,
"WELL, I WAS IN 'PAREE'

216
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,733
AT THE 'LA-OUVER.'"

217
00:12:35,533 --> 00:12:37,367
"DO YOU LIKE MONET?"

218
00:12:37,467 --> 00:12:39,800
"I LOVE MONET.

219
00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:42,167
IN FACT, I SPENT
A LOT OF 'MONET'

220
00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:44,067
WHEN I WAS IN 'PAREE.'"

221
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,433
"WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
CEZANNE?"

222
00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:54,867
"'WIN-TEAR.'"

223
00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,533
"DO YOU LIKE
FRANCIS BACON?"

224
00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:11,833
"I PREFER JIMMY DEAN
PURE PORK SAUSAGE."

225
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,933
HOW DO YOU DECIDE
IF ART IS ANY GOOD?

226
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:19,533
WHO'S IN CHARGE
OF THAT?

227
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:21,067
REALISTIC ART
YOU CAN TELL,

228
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,633
'CAUSE YOU CAN
COMPARE IT TO THE REAL THING.

229
00:13:23,733 --> 00:13:25,733
"HEY, THERE'S A PAINTING
OF A BOWL OF FRUIT.

230
00:13:25,833 --> 00:13:27,567
HEY, THERE'S A REAL
BOWL OF FRUIT!

231
00:13:27,667 --> 00:13:29,067
THAT'S A GREAT
PAINTING!"

232
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:33,067
"THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE
A BOWL OF FRUIT!"

233
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:34,933
EVERYBODY AGREES
AND YOU MOVE ON.

234
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:36,833
"MAN, THAT GUY
CAN PAINT SOME FRUIT!"

235
00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:40,133
( high voice )
"THAT LOOK JUST LIKE
A APPLE!"

236
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:45,767
BUT ABSTRACT ART,

237
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:48,467
WHO DECIDES
IF THAT'S GOOD OR NOT?

238
00:13:48,567 --> 00:13:49,867
LIKE PICASSO,

239
00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:53,767
HE PUTS TWO EYES
ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE FACE.

240
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,500
IF I WERE JUDGING,

241
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,800
I'D HAVE
TO TAKE POINTS OFF.

242
00:13:58,867 --> 00:14:00,467
"PABLO, LOOK AROUND.

243
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:03,867
DOES ANYONE HAVE
TWO EYES ON THE SAME SIDE
OF THEIR FACE?

244
00:14:03,967 --> 00:14:07,133
NO, HENCE
THE LOW SCORE."

245
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:12,567
PEOPLE SAY,
"THAT'S JUST IT, BRIAN,
HE SEES THINGS DIFFERENTLY."

246
00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:15,267
"THEN HE SHOULDN'T
BE PAINTING.

247
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:18,367
MIGHT WANT TO GIVE HIM
A CAMERA,

248
00:14:18,467 --> 00:14:21,333
'CAUSE HE'S NOT EVEN
CLOSE ON THESE IMAGES."

249
00:14:25,067 --> 00:14:27,100
NOT SURE IF THAT'S
OPEN-MINDED OR NOT.

250
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:31,500
I'M TRYING TO BE
OPEN-MINDED

251
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,167
AS I GET OLDER.
I'M TRYING TO DO THINGS
I HAD NEVER DONE.

252
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:38,067
LIKE, I RECENTLY WENT
TO THREE DIFFERENT BALLETS.

253
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:42,133
AND I LOVE TRYING
TO LEARN HOW TO LIKE
THOSE A LITTLE BIT.

254
00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:47,433
THREE DIFFERENT
BALLETS.

255
00:14:47,533 --> 00:14:49,367
THEY ALL HAD
LIKE THE SAME STORY.

256
00:14:49,467 --> 00:14:52,067
SO I WROTE A BALLET.

257
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,433
I'M GONNA
SUBMIT IT.

258
00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:54,933
THIS IS THE BALLET
I WROTE.

259
00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,633
THIS MAN
MEETS THIS WOMAN.

260
00:14:56,733 --> 00:14:59,300
AND HE WANTS
TO MARRY HER,

261
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,200
BUT HE CAN'T MARRY HER

262
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,967
BECAUSE SHE'S ALREADY
GETTING READY TO MARRY
SOMEBODY ELSE,

263
00:15:04,067 --> 00:15:08,100
SO THEY ALL DANCE AROUND
FOR A COUPLE HOURS.

264
00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:19,167
PUT IN PARENTHESES,
"DO A LOT OF THAT 'UP
ON THE TOE' BUSINESS."

265
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:22,067
WHICH THEY SEEM
TO LIKE TO DO.

266
00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:27,133
I'VE BEEN TO ONE OPERA,
WHICH I LIKED.

267
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:29,167
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT WAS GOING ON.

268
00:15:29,267 --> 00:15:31,633
IT WAS LIKE
ANOTHER LANGUAGE
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

269
00:15:31,733 --> 00:15:35,067
I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE
AN INTERPRETER COME OUT
BETWEEN THE LYRICS

270
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:37,133
SO YOU COULD FOLLOW
THE STORY, YOU KNOW?

271
00:15:37,233 --> 00:15:40,367
LIKE THE BIG GUY'S OUT THERE--
( mimics opera singing )

272
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:46,600
( singing )
* HE KINDA LIKES HER

273
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:54,633
( mimics opera singing )

274
00:15:54,733 --> 00:15:59,267
* BUT SHE'S REALLY
NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION
TO HIM OR ANYTHING *

275
00:16:03,833 --> 00:16:05,867
( mimics opera singing )

276
00:16:05,967 --> 00:16:10,367
* SOMETHING ABOUT HIS BOOT
AND A RADIATOR *

277
00:16:18,933 --> 00:16:21,467
I WISH I KNEW
ANOTHER LANGUAGE.

278
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:25,067
I STUDIED SPANISH
GROWING UP IN MIAMI, FLORIDA,

279
00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:29,100
BUT I NEVER SAW ANY
OF THE PHRASES APPLIED
THAT WE LEARNED.

280
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,300
WE NEVER WENT
TO DOWNTOWN MIAMI--

281
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,067
WHERE THE OLDER
CUBAN MEN WOULD PLAY DOMINOES,

282
00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:38,100
DRINK CUBAN COFFEE
AND SMOKE CIGARS--

283
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,233
THEY WEREN'T SAYING
THE STUFF WE HAD LEARNED
IN SPANISH CLASS.

284
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:44,967
( Spanish accent )
"THERE ARE MANY BOOKS
IN THE LIBRARY."

285
00:16:53,967 --> 00:16:56,533
"THE TRACTOR IS RED."

286
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:04,533
"I HAVE
A CANARY...

287
00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:06,600
AND IT IS PRETTY."

288
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:09,600
"PRETTY,
PRETTY CANARY.

289
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:11,633
PRETTY CANARY."

290
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,533
THEY ARE PRETTY.

291
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,067
I REMEMBER TAKING
SPANISH TESTS WHEN
I WAS IN SCHOOL.

292
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,133
I WOULD JUST TAKE
ALL THE ENGLISH WORDS

293
00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:24,300
AND ADD "O"
TO THE END OF 'EM.

294
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,133
I GOT AN F-O.

295
00:17:28,333 --> 00:17:30,067
YOU WANNA KNOW,
OR ELSE--

296
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,367
'CAUSE YOU GET IN SITUATIONS
IF YOU DON'T KNOW.

297
00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:34,667
I RECENTLY WENT
TO THE BURGER KING
DRIVE-THROUGH,

298
00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:37,867
AND I GOT TALKED
INTO BUYING A FRANCHISE

299
00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:40,433
IN PENSACOLA, FLORIDA.

300
00:17:40,533 --> 00:17:43,067
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
I'M AT THE WINDOW,

301
00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:45,233
- "I'D LIKE A HAMBURGER."
- ( mimics static )

302
00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:48,433
( Spanish accent )
"WOULD YOU LIKE FRANCHISE
WITH THAT..."

303
00:17:54,933 --> 00:17:58,767
( mimicking static, accent )
"IN PENSACOLA?"

304
00:18:09,433 --> 00:18:12,167
"YES, I WOULD."

305
00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:15,300
I'M GLAD
I HAD A COUPON.

306
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,167
50¢ OFF.

307
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:22,067
50¢.

308
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:23,400
I DON'T EVEN
KNOW ENGLISH.

309
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:26,667
I HAD A GUY
COME UP TO ME AFTER A SHOW.

310
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:28,533
WEIRDEST THING
EVER SAID TO ME.

311
00:18:28,633 --> 00:18:32,533
HE GOES,
"YOU MISPRONOUNCED
EVERY WORD IN YOUR SHOW."

312
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:36,800
IF THAT IS NOT
THE "EPITOAM" OF "HYPERBOWL..."

313
00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:51,667
I'M TRYING TO LEARN
STUFF, MAN.

314
00:18:51,767 --> 00:18:54,300
I'M WATCHING TV,
DOING EVERYTHING I CAN
THINK OF.

315
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,067
I'VE BEEN WATCHING
THESE LAW SHOWS--
THE REAL LAW STUFF.

316
00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,867
I NEVER UNDERSTAND
WHEN THEY SAY,

317
00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:04,533
( deep voice )
"A NO-NONSENSE JUDGE
PRESIDED OVER THE TRIAL."

318
00:19:04,633 --> 00:19:07,733
"A NO-NONSENSE JUDGE."

319
00:19:07,833 --> 00:19:09,567
AS OPPOSED TO WHAT?

320
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:12,900
A TYPICAL JUDGE,
I GUESS, WHO STARTS A TRIAL,

321
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:15,133
( high voice )
"OKAY...

322
00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:20,833
I WOULD LIKE
TO BEGIN

323
00:19:20,933 --> 00:19:22,967
BY SPINNING THE PROPELLER
ON MY BEANIE.

324
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:25,300
TU-TU-TU-TU-TU!

325
00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:31,533
YOU MAY HAVE GATHERED...

326
00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:37,367
I AM A NONSENSE JUDGE.

327
00:19:40,633 --> 00:19:44,533
IF ANYONE SAYS
ANYTHING THAT MAKES SENSE,
I'LL OVERRULE IT.

328
00:19:44,633 --> 00:19:47,467
LET'S THE NONSENSE BEGIN."
( high-pitched noises )

329
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,333
WHAT IN THE HELL
ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

330
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:55,900
I KNOW JUDGES ARE
NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE OUT

331
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:57,400
CRUEL OR UNUSUAL
PUNISHMENT.

332
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,667
CRUEL, OF COURSE,
BUT UNUSUAL--

333
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:01,700
WHO'S TO SAY?

334
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:05,133
I'M SURE SOME JUDGES
HAVE BUMPED UP AGAINST
THE LINE ON THAT ONE.

335
00:20:05,233 --> 00:20:06,800
"FOR YOUR PUNISHMENT,

336
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:11,233
I WANT YOU TO PLACE
A SLICE OF BALONEY
UPON YOUR FACE.

337
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:15,500
CUT OUT THE EYE HOLES.

338
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,633
I WANT YOU
TO PUT ON SOME BURLAP SHOES

339
00:20:19,733 --> 00:20:22,767
AND GO TO THE LOCAL MALL
AND BEGIN YODELING."

340
00:20:22,867 --> 00:20:25,867
"OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR,
A BIT UNUSUAL, DON'T
YOU THINK?"

341
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:28,000
"ALL RIGHT,
10 DAYS IN JAIL."

342
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,333
( growls )

343
00:20:31,667 --> 00:20:34,033
YOU KNOW WHAT
THE LAMEST CRIME IS?

344
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:37,267
LOITERING.
LOITERING.

345
00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:41,367
CAN YOU IMAGINE A GUY
WITH A 30-PAGE RAP SHEET,
THAT'S ALL IT SAYS ON THERE?

346
00:20:41,467 --> 00:20:42,967
"LOITERING, LOITERING,
LOITERING,

347
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:44,233
LOITERING, LOITERING,
LOITERING--"

348
00:20:44,333 --> 00:20:45,967
THIS GUY'S GOT
NOWHERE TO GO.

349
00:20:46,067 --> 00:20:48,233
"LOITERING,
LOITERING, LOITERING."

350
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:50,533
WHAT DO YOU DO
WITH A GUY LIKE THAT?

351
00:20:50,633 --> 00:20:53,667
THROW HIM IN JAIL
WHERE HE CAN'T GO ANYWHERE?

352
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:58,400
LOITERING.
IS SOMETHING REALLY A CRIME

353
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:02,533
WHEN IT'S REMEDIED
AS EASILY AS "ALL RIGHT,
MOVE ALONG."

354
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:07,267
ON THE OTHER END
OF THE SPECTRUM,

355
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,900
I THINK THE MOST HORRIBLE
NAME FOR A CRIME

356
00:21:10,067 --> 00:21:12,633
HAS TO BE
"MANSLAUGHTER."

357
00:21:12,733 --> 00:21:16,233
DAMN, CAN YOU PLEASE
CHANGE THE TERMINOLOGY?

358
00:21:16,333 --> 00:21:19,433
CAN ANYTHING CONJURE UP
ANYTHING MORE HIDEOUS?

359
00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:23,667
"SO WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?"
"MANSLAUGHTER!"

360
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,833
"I SLAUGHTERED
A MAN...

361
00:21:30,933 --> 00:21:32,733
JUST LIKE A PIG!

362
00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:36,333
PUT HIM ON A SPIT
AND PUT AN APPLE
IN HIS MOUTH."

363
00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:43,333
"WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?"
"LOITERING.

364
00:21:43,433 --> 00:21:46,133
I'M LIKE YOU, MAN,
I LIVE ON THE EDGE.

365
00:21:46,233 --> 00:21:47,767
THEY'RE LIKE,
'YOU GOTTA MOVE ALONG.'

366
00:21:47,867 --> 00:21:50,300
AND I'M LIKE,
'I DON'T THINK SO.'"

367
00:21:53,067 --> 00:21:54,967
( cheering,
applause )

368
00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:56,967
ALL RIGHT.

369
00:22:00,867 --> 00:22:02,733
THANK YOU.

370
00:22:02,833 --> 00:22:05,367
I WAS LOOKING
IN THE YELLOW PAGES
UNDER ATTORNEYS.

371
00:22:05,467 --> 00:22:08,433
THEY TAKE ADS OUT
AND THEY LIST THE THINGS
THEY DEAL WITH.

372
00:22:08,533 --> 00:22:10,433
I SAW TWO ADS
NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

373
00:22:10,533 --> 00:22:11,833
ONE SAID,
"SLIP AND FALL."

374
00:22:11,933 --> 00:22:14,600
THE ONE NEXT TO IT SAID,
"SLIP, TRIP AND FALL."

375
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:16,800
COULD YOU TRIP
AND CALL THE WRONG GUY?

376
00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:18,300
"I TRIPPED
AND I FELL."

377
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,500
"WE DO
'SLIP AND FALL.'"

378
00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:26,500
"YEAH, I TRIPPED."

379
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,300
"WE DO SLIPS.
'SLIP AND FALL.'"

380
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:34,067
"I REMEMBER, I SLIPPED
AT FIRST.

381
00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:35,467
I REMEMBER THINKING,

382
00:22:35,567 --> 00:22:39,200
'HEY, I'M PREDOMINANTLY
SLIPPING.'"

383
00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:41,433
"AND THEN YOU TRIPPED?"
"YEAH."

384
00:22:41,533 --> 00:22:43,567
"WE DON'T DO THAT."

385
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:48,467
SOME LAW FIRMS
DEAL WITH D.U.I.,

386
00:22:48,567 --> 00:22:52,400
THEN "AGGRAVATED
D.U.I."

387
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,800
"DO YOU KNOW WHY
I PULLED YOU OVER?"

388
00:22:56,900 --> 00:22:59,800
"YEAH, YEAH,
I KNOW WHY YOU
PULLED ME OVER."

389
00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:15,233
SOME LAW FIRMS
DEAL WITH "LOSS OF LIMB."

390
00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:17,667
YOU KNOW?
WHICH MIGHT BE
A LEGITIMATE CASE.

391
00:23:17,767 --> 00:23:21,067
BUT NONE OF THEM
DEAL WITH ADDITION OF LIMB.

392
00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:25,500
I KNOW THAT WOULD
BE UNUSUAL,

393
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,367
BUT WHO WOULD YOU CALL?
"I WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL,

394
00:23:28,467 --> 00:23:30,367
AND THEY ACCIDENTALLY
PUT AN EXTRA ARM

395
00:23:30,467 --> 00:23:32,633
IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY CHEST."

396
00:23:34,300 --> 00:23:36,967
"WE DO LOSS OF LIMB."

397
00:23:37,067 --> 00:23:41,600
THE GUY THEY TOOK IT
FROM IS GONNA CALL YOU
IN A SECOND...

398
00:23:45,100 --> 00:23:47,367
CAN YOU HELP ME?"

399
00:23:47,467 --> 00:23:50,600
"LET ME GIVE YOU A NUMBER
TO A MALPRACTICE ATTORNEY.

400
00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:53,233
DO YOU HAVE A PEN?"
"YEAH, I'M HOLDING A PEN.

401
00:23:53,333 --> 00:23:55,633
AND A PAPER.
AND A PHONE."

402
00:23:58,067 --> 00:24:00,133
IT MIGHT NOT
BE SO BAD.

403
00:24:02,467 --> 00:24:04,067
I SERVED
JURY DUTY ONE TIME.

404
00:24:04,167 --> 00:24:07,467
THEY WOULD PUT
US IN THE JURY BOX
AND ASK US QUESTIONS.

405
00:24:07,567 --> 00:24:09,300
IF THE LAWYERS DIDN'T
LIKE YOUR ANSWER,

406
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,433
THEY COULD KICK YOU OFF
AND SEND YOU HOME.

407
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:12,833
ONE OF THE QUESTIONS WAS,

408
00:24:12,933 --> 00:24:15,433
"HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN THE VICTIM OF A CRIME?"

409
00:24:15,533 --> 00:24:18,833
I REALIZED VERY QUICKLY
EVERYONE'S TRYING TO GET OUT
OF JURY DUTY,

410
00:24:18,933 --> 00:24:21,067
SO EVERYONE'S TRYING
TO TOP EACH OTHER

411
00:24:21,167 --> 00:24:22,500
SO THEY GET KICKED OFF.

412
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,433
IT'S LIKE
A GAME SHOW.

413
00:24:24,533 --> 00:24:26,133
I'D NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

414
00:24:26,233 --> 00:24:28,700
"NUMBER ONE, HAVE YOU
EVER BEEN THE VICTIM
OF A CRIME?"

415
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,500
"YEAH, I WAS MUGGED
THREE TIMES.

416
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,767
TWICE AT KNIFE-POINT
AND ONCE AT GUNPOINT.

417
00:24:32,867 --> 00:24:35,333
AND I HAD MY CAR
STOLEN FROM MY DRIVEWAY.

418
00:24:35,433 --> 00:24:37,433
SOMEBODY TOOK
MY PET MY FROM MY YARD.

419
00:24:37,533 --> 00:24:39,167
SOMEBODY SMACKED ME
AND THAT MADE ME CRY."

420
00:24:39,267 --> 00:24:41,633
"OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
I GOTCHA.

421
00:24:41,733 --> 00:24:44,567
NUMBER TWO, HAVE YOU
EVER BEEN THE VICTIM
OF A CRIME?"

422
00:24:44,667 --> 00:24:46,467
"YEAH, I WAS MUGGED
FIVE TIMES.

423
00:24:46,567 --> 00:24:49,333
THREE TIMES AT KNIFE-POINT,
ONE TIME AT GUNPOINT,

424
00:24:49,433 --> 00:24:52,467
AND ANOTHER TIME
AT ANOTHER POINT.

425
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:55,067
I GET CARJACKED
EVERY DAY.

426
00:24:55,100 --> 00:24:57,767
WHEN I WALK MY PETS,
PEOPLE GO, 'GIVE ME THOSE!'

427
00:24:57,867 --> 00:24:59,633
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS
HITTING ME WITH BRICKS.

428
00:24:59,733 --> 00:25:02,600
I'M ALWAYS SOBBING
AND WEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY."

429
00:25:02,700 --> 00:25:05,067
"WHOA, HEY.
WOW.

430
00:25:06,867 --> 00:25:09,067
ALL RIGHT.

431
00:25:09,100 --> 00:25:10,600
HANG ON.

432
00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:13,600
NUMBER THREE,
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
THE VICTIM OF A CRIME?"

433
00:25:13,700 --> 00:25:15,500
"YEAH, I MUGGED
SEVEN PEOPLE.

434
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,267
I STOLE NINE CARS."

435
00:25:17,367 --> 00:25:18,733
"NO, VICTIM."
"OH, VICTIM?

436
00:25:18,833 --> 00:25:20,500
OH, NO, NO."

437
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:28,933
I WAS TALKING
ABOUT GAME SHOWS.

438
00:25:29,067 --> 00:25:30,467
I LIKE WATCHING THEM.

439
00:25:30,567 --> 00:25:32,833
AND MY FAVORITE PART
IS THE BEGINNING

440
00:25:32,933 --> 00:25:35,467
WHEN THE CONTESTANTS
COME OUT AND TELL YOU

441
00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:36,833
A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT THEMSELVES.

442
00:25:36,933 --> 00:25:38,567
IT'S LIKE
THEIR ONLY REAL MOMENT.

443
00:25:38,667 --> 00:25:40,700
SOMETIMES THEY HAVE
SOMETHING INTERESTING TO SAY,

444
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,867
AND THE HOST NEVER ASKS
A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION.
IT JUST KILLS ME.

445
00:25:43,967 --> 00:25:45,700
"NUMBER ONE,
TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF."

446
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,533
"MY NAME IS EUGENE.
I'M A SCIENTIST.

447
00:25:47,633 --> 00:25:49,500
I'M CLOSE
TO ISOLATING A GENE.
IF SUCCESSFUL,

448
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,567
I'LL BE ABLE TO CURE
EVERY DISEASE KNOWN TO MAN."

449
00:25:51,667 --> 00:25:54,700
"ALL RIGHT.
READY TO SPIN THE WHEEL?"

450
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,833
"YOU DON'T WANT
TO HIT A 'ZONKO'

451
00:26:00,933 --> 00:26:02,333
OR YOU'RE GONNA
HEAR THIS--"

452
00:26:02,433 --> 00:26:06,633
( hums "incorrect answer"
music )

453
00:26:08,867 --> 00:26:10,333
"HOW ABOUT YOU,
NUMBER TWO?"

454
00:26:10,433 --> 00:26:12,600
"MY NAME'S TOBY,
AND I GOTS A DOG."

455
00:26:12,700 --> 00:26:15,867
"OH REALLY,
WHAT KIND OF DOG YOU HAVE?"

456
00:26:15,967 --> 00:26:18,800
THAT'S WHAT'S
ON MY TV SET.

457
00:26:18,900 --> 00:26:21,533
I'M NOT SURE
WHERE THEY GET SOME
OF THESE CONTESTANTS.

458
00:26:21,633 --> 00:26:23,867
"TRUE OR FALSE?
PAVLOV'S THEORY PROVES

459
00:26:23,967 --> 00:26:27,067
INFERIOR BEINGS
WILL RESPOND TO A BELL."

460
00:26:27,167 --> 00:26:28,400
"UH, TRUE?"
( mimics bell )

461
00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:30,967
"YEAH!"

462
00:26:36,233 --> 00:26:38,767
I WATCH TOO MUCH
TV, MAN.

463
00:26:38,867 --> 00:26:40,700
I'VE BEEN WATCHING
THESE COOKING SHOWS.

464
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:43,533
I'M TRYING TO LEARN
HOW TO COOK.

465
00:26:43,633 --> 00:26:45,267
HAVEN'T LEARNED
ANYTHING YET.

466
00:26:45,367 --> 00:26:47,567
HELL, ANYONE WOULD
LIKE TO COOK

467
00:26:47,667 --> 00:26:51,267
IF EVERYTHING WAS
ALREADY IN PRE-MEASURED
GLASS BOWLS.

468
00:26:53,567 --> 00:26:55,133
"THIS IS
A VERY EASY RECIPE.

469
00:26:55,233 --> 00:27:00,133
YOU JUST PICK THIS UP
AND DUMP THIS IN THE POT.

470
00:27:00,233 --> 00:27:03,167
THEN YOU GRAB THIS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THIS IS,

471
00:27:03,267 --> 00:27:05,100
BUT YOU SLIDE
THAT IN THERE.

472
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:08,100
I'M GONNA GET MY CREW
OUT HERE TO STIR THIS

473
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,367
WHILE I DRINK WINE."

474
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,800
I WANT TO SEE
A REALISTIC COOKING SHOW.

475
00:27:14,900 --> 00:27:17,367
"WHEN WE COME BACK,
I'M GONNA SPEND 20 MINUTES

476
00:27:17,467 --> 00:27:18,967
RUMMAGING THROUGH
ALL MY DRAWERS

477
00:27:19,067 --> 00:27:22,067
TRYING TO FIND
MY MEASURING SPOON.

478
00:27:23,367 --> 00:27:25,700
YOU DON'T WANT
TO MISS THIS.

479
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,967
TUNE IN TOMORROW,
WHEN AFTER 45 MINUTES
OF PREPARATION,

480
00:27:30,067 --> 00:27:34,200
I REALIZE...
I DON'T HAVE ANY EGGS."

481
00:27:36,700 --> 00:27:38,633
TEACH ME
THAT KIND OF STUFF.

482
00:27:38,733 --> 00:27:40,333
ON THE COOKING SHOWS,
THERE'S ALWAYS

483
00:27:40,433 --> 00:27:41,767
A FINISHED ONE
IN THE OVEN.

484
00:27:41,867 --> 00:27:44,600
"CHECK THIS OUT.
ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?"

485
00:27:44,700 --> 00:27:46,867
YEAH, WISH THAT
HAPPENED IN MY HOUSE.

486
00:27:46,967 --> 00:27:50,333
CAN'T FIND ANYTHING.
I GOT FLOUR ALL OVER
MY FACE.

487
00:27:50,433 --> 00:27:52,867
"THERE'S ONE IN HERE!

488
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,833
WE CAN EAT RIGHT NOW.

489
00:27:57,933 --> 00:28:01,733
SOME COOK FAIRIES
BARGED IN AND PREPARED ONE."

490
00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:08,500
THERE'S A LOT
OF WEIRD SHOWS.

491
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:12,433
I SAW THIS SHOW
ABOUT MULES AND DONKEYS.

492
00:28:12,533 --> 00:28:14,067
I HAD TO WATCH IT.

493
00:28:15,833 --> 00:28:18,100
HOW DO YOU
TURN THAT OFF?

494
00:28:19,367 --> 00:28:21,767
AND THE HOST SAID,

495
00:28:21,867 --> 00:28:24,933
"EVERYONE KNOWS MULES
HAVE A TERRIFIC SENSE OF HUMOR."

496
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,667
I'M PART OF EVERYONE,
WHAT-- YOU KNOW?

497
00:28:30,767 --> 00:28:32,933
I FELT STUPID.

498
00:28:34,067 --> 00:28:36,667
SO I CALLED A FRIEND UP,
LIKE AT RANDOM.

499
00:28:36,767 --> 00:28:39,167
"HEY, JOEY,

500
00:28:39,267 --> 00:28:41,933
THIS IS GONNA SOUND
LIKE A WEIRD QUESTION, BUT...

501
00:28:43,767 --> 00:28:45,933
DO YOU KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT MULES?"

502
00:28:47,333 --> 00:28:50,800
"I JUST KNOW
THEY HAVE A TERRIFIC
SENSE OF HUMOR."

503
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:58,700
I HUNG UP.
I DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOODBYE,
I JUST HUNG UP.

504
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:00,267
HOW DOES
EVERYONE KNOW THIS?

505
00:29:00,367 --> 00:29:01,900
HOW DOES ANYONE
KNOW THIS?

506
00:29:02,067 --> 00:29:05,200
THEN I REALIZED
THEY MUST HAVE DONE
A SCIENTIFIC TEST.

507
00:29:05,300 --> 00:29:07,767
OTHERWISE, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE THE AUDACITY

508
00:29:07,867 --> 00:29:09,267
TO MAKE SUCH A CLAIM.

509
00:29:09,367 --> 00:29:11,733
THEY MUST'VE TESTED
A MULE'S SENSE OF HUMOR.

510
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,933
THEY PROBABLY
PUT ONE IN A STALL.

511
00:29:14,067 --> 00:29:17,100
PUT A TV MONITOR
IN FRONT OF HIM, YOU KNOW?

512
00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:21,133
IT'S A SCIENTIFIC TEST,
SO YOU HAVE TO HAVE
A CONTROL.

513
00:29:21,233 --> 00:29:23,900
SO THEY PROBABLY START
WITH THE JIM LEHR NEWS HOUR,

514
00:29:24,067 --> 00:29:27,200
JUST TO MAKE SURE
HE'S NOT LAUGHING
ALL THE TIME.

515
00:29:33,967 --> 00:29:37,133
THEN GRADUALLY FADE UP
"CADDYSHACK," YOU KNOW?

516
00:29:37,233 --> 00:29:38,767
( mimics laugh )

517
00:29:39,667 --> 00:29:42,133
( mimicking mule )

518
00:29:54,367 --> 00:29:56,633
LOT OF WEIRD SHOWS.

519
00:29:56,733 --> 00:29:58,233
SOMETHING HAS
TO BE SAID

520
00:29:58,333 --> 00:30:01,100
ABOUT THESE PEOPLE
WHO CLAIM TO TALK
TO DEAD PEOPLE--

521
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,067
I MEAN,
THAT WHOLE THING.

522
00:30:04,333 --> 00:30:06,500
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

523
00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:08,233
( laughs )

524
00:30:08,333 --> 00:30:11,433
FIRST, I DON'T
WANT TO STEP ON
ANYBODY'S BELIEFS,

525
00:30:11,533 --> 00:30:14,933
BUT, WELL,
HERE WE GO.

526
00:30:15,033 --> 00:30:17,733
- ( laughing,
cheering )
- LISTEN.

527
00:30:21,033 --> 00:30:23,467
IF YOU HAVE
A PERSONAL COMMUNICATION
WITH SOMEONE YOU LOST,

528
00:30:23,567 --> 00:30:26,233
THAT'S VERY VALID.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THESE
PEOPLE ON TV,

529
00:30:26,333 --> 00:30:29,000
'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS
DOING IT IN FRONT OF A GROUP,

530
00:30:29,100 --> 00:30:32,000
WHICH JUST SHOOTS
THEIR ODDS RIGHT
THROUGH THE ROOF.

531
00:30:32,100 --> 00:30:33,733
"DID ANYONE HERE

532
00:30:33,833 --> 00:30:36,700
LOSE A FRIEND
OR FAMILY MEMBER...

533
00:30:38,233 --> 00:30:41,833
OR KNOW SOMEONE
WHO DID?"

534
00:30:41,933 --> 00:30:45,167
"OR HEAR ABOUT SOMETHING
LIKE THIS ON TELEVISION?

535
00:30:45,267 --> 00:30:49,167
YOU DID, IN THE MEZZANINE.
YES, I WAS GETTING
A STRONG SIGNAL.

536
00:30:52,133 --> 00:30:54,300
THIS PERSON
PASSED ON RECENTLY?"

537
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:55,933
"25 YEARS AGO."

538
00:30:56,033 --> 00:30:58,433
"THAT RECENTLY?!

539
00:30:58,533 --> 00:31:02,933
THEN I'M GOING
TO BE EXTRA SENSITIVE.

540
00:31:03,067 --> 00:31:05,833
I'M GETTING AN 'M.'
THE LETTER 'M.'"

541
00:31:05,933 --> 00:31:07,667
"HIS NAME WAS
BO ZIFFER."

542
00:31:07,767 --> 00:31:10,900
"MR. BO ZIFFER?"

543
00:31:15,933 --> 00:31:17,533
"HE DIED OF NATURAL
CAUSES, YES?"

544
00:31:17,633 --> 00:31:19,733
"HE WAS SHOT IN THE FACE
BY A BAZOOKA."

545
00:31:19,833 --> 00:31:21,200
"SO NATURALLY,
HE'D BE DEAD."

546
00:31:30,900 --> 00:31:34,767
I SAW A TV SHOW
WITH A PET PSYCHIC.

547
00:31:34,867 --> 00:31:37,933
PET PSYCHIC.
I HAVE TO GET IN
ON THIS RACKET.

548
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:45,167
"UM, SOMETHING ABOUT
A BONE.

549
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:53,767
DOES SHE HAVE
A BOWL OR A DISH?

550
00:31:54,833 --> 00:31:57,967
SHE DOES.

551
00:31:58,067 --> 00:32:02,400
CAN WE HAVE
ALL YOUR CREDIT CARD
INFORMATION? TERRIFIC.

552
00:32:02,500 --> 00:32:04,067
IT'S TERRIFIC."

553
00:32:09,167 --> 00:32:12,767
I WAS WATCHING THIS
THING ON TV ABOUT PLUTO--

554
00:32:12,867 --> 00:32:14,400
FORMER PLANET PLUTO.

555
00:32:14,500 --> 00:32:16,233
IT GOT KICKED OUT.
WOW.

556
00:32:16,333 --> 00:32:19,467
HOW EMBARRASSING,
GETTING KICKED OUT
OF THAT GROUP.

557
00:32:19,567 --> 00:32:21,067
HOW DID THAT GO DOWN?

558
00:32:21,100 --> 00:32:23,800
"PLUTO, COME ON IN,
HAVE A SEAT."

559
00:32:26,667 --> 00:32:30,767
"IT'S THE HARDEST THING
I HAVE TO DO AROUND
HERE, PLUTO.

560
00:32:30,867 --> 00:32:32,767
I'M GONNA CUT
RIGHT TO THE QUICK.

561
00:32:32,867 --> 00:32:34,433
YOU'RE NO LONGER
A PLANET."

562
00:32:34,533 --> 00:32:38,433
( high voice )
"OH!

563
00:32:38,533 --> 00:32:40,300
HUH?

564
00:32:41,633 --> 00:32:44,167
WELL, WHAT AM I?"

565
00:32:44,267 --> 00:32:48,067
"THE BEST WE CAN FIGURE,
YOU'RE JUST A BIG NOTHING."

566
00:32:48,100 --> 00:32:49,800
( groans )

567
00:32:52,700 --> 00:32:54,800
"CAN I STILL
GO AROUND THE SUN?"

568
00:32:54,900 --> 00:32:58,467
"FEEL FREE."
"OHH!"

569
00:32:58,567 --> 00:33:01,200
( screaming )

570
00:33:01,300 --> 00:33:04,600
"WHAT ARE YOU?"
"I'M JUST A BIG NOTHING!"

571
00:33:05,867 --> 00:33:08,400
WHAT A HORRIBLE
THING TO BE TOLD.

572
00:33:08,500 --> 00:33:12,533
THAT WAS DECIDED
BY THE PLANET DEFINITION
COMMITTEE.

573
00:33:12,633 --> 00:33:14,500
IT'S AN ACTUAL COMMITTEE.

574
00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:16,800
THEY GET TOGETHER AND--

575
00:33:16,900 --> 00:33:19,833
WELL, YOU CAN IMAGINE
THE WILD TIMES.

576
00:33:21,967 --> 00:33:23,633
WHAT, DO THEY WEAR
THEIR COLORS?

577
00:33:23,733 --> 00:33:27,833
TATTOOS--
"BORN TO DEFINE."

578
00:33:27,933 --> 00:33:31,333
WHAT DO THEY DO?
I GUESS THERE'S A GUY
WITH A GAVEL.

579
00:33:31,433 --> 00:33:32,633
"OKAY, EVERYBODY,
FOCUS!

580
00:33:32,733 --> 00:33:34,300
I KNOW EVERYONE'S
EXCITED.

581
00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:37,667
A LOT HAS HAPPENED
SINCE LAST TIME.

582
00:33:37,767 --> 00:33:41,067
DAPHNE, CAN YOU
READ THE CURRENT
DEFINITION OF 'PLANET'?"

583
00:33:41,133 --> 00:33:44,833
Man:
THE BIG YELLOW ONE
IS THE SUN!

584
00:33:44,933 --> 00:33:48,567
( cheering, applause )

585
00:33:51,833 --> 00:33:54,867
I APPRECIATE
THAT INPUT...

586
00:33:56,733 --> 00:33:59,133
BUT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A TV THING.

587
00:33:59,233 --> 00:34:02,167
( cheering,
applause )

588
00:34:09,300 --> 00:34:11,633
SO I'M GONNA BACK UP
A SECOND.

589
00:34:17,767 --> 00:34:22,100
"DAPHNE, CAN YOU READ
THE CURRENT DEFINITION
OF 'PLANET'?"

590
00:34:24,233 --> 00:34:27,533
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,
SO I CAN'T DO HER PART.

591
00:34:30,833 --> 00:34:32,567
"VERY GOOD, DAPHNE."

592
00:34:32,667 --> 00:34:34,900
NOT SURE WHAT I'M
MAKING FUN OF.

593
00:34:35,067 --> 00:34:38,133
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT IT IS EITHER.

594
00:34:38,233 --> 00:34:40,900
OH, MAN.
I LIKE SPACE STUFF, MAN.

595
00:34:41,067 --> 00:34:44,200
THEY ALWAYS SAY WE'RE
LOOKING FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE
ON OTHER PLANETS.

596
00:34:44,300 --> 00:34:47,067
THAT KILLS ME
THEY HAVE THAT QUALIFYING
CONDITION ON THERE.

597
00:34:47,100 --> 00:34:49,067
WE'RE LOOKING
FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE.

598
00:34:49,167 --> 00:34:51,633
LIKE FINDING ANY LIFE,
ANYWHERE,

599
00:34:51,733 --> 00:34:53,367
WOULDN'T FREAK US OUT
TOTALLY.

600
00:34:55,067 --> 00:34:57,933
WE'RE LOOKING
FOR THE MORE INTELLIGENT TYPE.

601
00:34:58,067 --> 00:35:03,067
IT'S LIKE, WE HAVE
FOUND PEOPLE ON NEPTUNE, BUT...

602
00:35:07,700 --> 00:35:11,067
I DON'T WANT
TO BE INSENSITIVE,

603
00:35:11,100 --> 00:35:13,233
BUT IT'S LIKE WE STEPPED
OFF THE LANDER--

604
00:35:13,333 --> 00:35:15,200
( hissing )

605
00:35:17,300 --> 00:35:19,500
THEN TURN,
AND THERE'S A BUNCH OF--

606
00:35:26,867 --> 00:35:29,167
"WE'RE FROM EARTH.

607
00:35:29,267 --> 00:35:32,967
WE'RE LOOKING
FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE."

608
00:35:38,067 --> 00:35:40,633
"TWO PLUS TWO
IS CHICKEN!"

609
00:35:42,300 --> 00:35:45,067
"THAT'S A NEGATIVE,
HOUSTON."

610
00:35:46,933 --> 00:35:50,433
"GOOD LUCK
WITH YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS!"

611
00:35:51,733 --> 00:35:54,433
"GRAB MY HAND,
GRAB MY HAND!"

612
00:35:58,867 --> 00:36:02,167
WE'VE HAD
12 PEOPLE ON THE MOON.

613
00:36:02,267 --> 00:36:03,867
EVER SINCE
WE'VE DONE THAT,

614
00:36:03,967 --> 00:36:05,800
YOU HEAR ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO GET UPSET

615
00:36:05,900 --> 00:36:07,733
ABOUT LITTLE THINGS
IN THEIR LIFE.

616
00:36:07,833 --> 00:36:11,367
AND THEY BLAME THE FACT
WE'VE BEEN ON THE MOON
FOR THEIR PROBLEMS,

617
00:36:11,467 --> 00:36:13,433
AS IF THERE'S
A POSSIBLE TIE-IN, YOU KNOW?

618
00:36:13,533 --> 00:36:16,067
LIKE IF THEIR PHONE CORD
IS ALL TANGLED UP.

619
00:36:16,100 --> 00:36:19,667
"THEY CAN PUT
A MAN ON THE MOON,

620
00:36:19,767 --> 00:36:24,133
BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE
A DAMN PHONE CORD THAT
WON'T BUNCH UP."

621
00:36:25,267 --> 00:36:27,700
"THEY CAN PUT
A MAN ON THE MOON!"

622
00:36:29,333 --> 00:36:32,067
MAYBE IF WE NEVER DID THAT,
THEY'D BE HAPPY, HUH?

623
00:36:32,133 --> 00:36:35,233
"ISN'T THAT PHONE CORD
DRIVING YOU CRAZY?"

624
00:36:35,333 --> 00:36:38,867
"OH, NAH.

625
00:36:38,967 --> 00:36:42,433
WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD
A MAN ON THE MOON YET.

626
00:36:44,967 --> 00:36:48,267
WHY WOULD I LET SOMETHING
LIKE THIS BOTHER ME?

627
00:36:49,867 --> 00:36:52,500
I THINK LIFE'S
A BOWL OF CHERRIES."

628
00:36:56,333 --> 00:36:59,400
I TRAVEL
WITH MY WIFE SOMETIMES.

629
00:36:59,500 --> 00:37:01,500
WE WERE AT A COMEDY
CLUB RECENTLY.

630
00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:04,267
SOMETIMES
WHEN THEY INTRODUCE YOU,
THEY PLAY MUSIC.

631
00:37:04,367 --> 00:37:05,733
YOU COME OUT
TO MUSIC.

632
00:37:05,833 --> 00:37:07,500
MY WIFE WAS
IN THE SOUND BOOTH.

633
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:10,867
THE SOUND GUY ASKED HER,
"WHAT KIND OF MUSIC
DOES BRIAN LIKE?"

634
00:37:10,967 --> 00:37:14,167
SHE SAW
A BEE GEES CD.

635
00:37:14,267 --> 00:37:16,067
I'VE GOT NOTHING
AGAINST THE BEE GEES.

636
00:37:16,167 --> 00:37:18,200
BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW
WHY THEY WERE ASKING,

637
00:37:18,300 --> 00:37:20,933
SO SHE GOES,
"I THINK HE LIKES
THE BEE GEES."

638
00:37:21,067 --> 00:37:22,267
HERE'S THE SONG
THEY PICKED.

639
00:37:22,367 --> 00:37:24,400
"PLEASE WELCOME
BRIAN REGAN.

640
00:37:24,500 --> 00:37:27,400
( high voice )
* MORE THAN A WOMAN

641
00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:30,533
* MORE THAN
A WOMAN TO ME... *

642
00:37:30,633 --> 00:37:32,167
HEY.

643
00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:37,100
YEAH.
EVERYBODY CONFUSED?!

644
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:41,433
I LIKE BEING MARRIED,

645
00:37:41,533 --> 00:37:43,800
BUT WHY IS IT OKAY
TO SLAM HUSBANDS

646
00:37:43,900 --> 00:37:45,133
ON TV COMMERCIALS?

647
00:37:45,233 --> 00:37:46,600
I DON'T GET THAT.

648
00:37:46,700 --> 00:37:49,633
THE WIFE IS ALWAYS
OUT FRONT IN THE COMMERCIAL.

649
00:37:49,733 --> 00:37:52,933
"MY HUSBAND
IS SO STUPID."

650
00:37:53,067 --> 00:37:56,200
HE'S IN THE BACK
TANGLED UP IN THE BLINDS.

651
00:38:01,833 --> 00:38:05,400
"DO YOU SEE
WHAT I ENDURE?

652
00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:07,633
WHY, IF HE WERE
LYING FACE DOWN,

653
00:38:07,733 --> 00:38:11,433
HE WOULDN'T HAVE SENSE
ENOUGH TO TURN HIS HEAD
TO BREATHE.

654
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,800
THAT'S WHY I DO
HIS THINKING FOR HIM.

655
00:38:18,067 --> 00:38:20,100
LIKE BUYING HIM
THESE MUFFINS."

656
00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:22,233
"AND THEY'RE GOOD TOO!"

657
00:38:26,667 --> 00:38:29,300
"IS THEY GOOD
FOR ME?"

658
00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,500
HOW THE HELL
WOULD HE KNOW?

659
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:34,733
HE'S GOT A TINY,
DUMB, LITTLE HUSBAND BRAIN.

660
00:38:34,833 --> 00:38:38,600
HE WOULD HAVE NO WAY
OF KNOWING ANYTHING
LIKE THAT ON HIS OWN.

661
00:38:40,467 --> 00:38:43,967
MEN AND WOMEN,
WE THINK DIFFERENTLY
ABOUT SOME THINGS.

662
00:38:44,067 --> 00:38:45,667
IT'S GOOD.
WE'RE EQUAL BUT DIFFERENT.

663
00:38:45,767 --> 00:38:46,967
I'LL GIVE YOU
AN EXAMPLE.

664
00:38:47,067 --> 00:38:49,133
MY WIFE AND I HAVE
A GOOD FRIEND

665
00:38:49,233 --> 00:38:50,833
WHO GOT DIVORCED
ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO.

666
00:38:50,933 --> 00:38:54,067
AND NEITHER OF US
HAD SEEN HIM SINCE
HIS DIVORCE.

667
00:38:54,100 --> 00:38:56,067
I WENT GOLFING
WITH HIM LAST WEEK.

668
00:38:56,100 --> 00:38:57,767
FIRST TIME I HAD
SEEN HIM.

669
00:38:57,867 --> 00:39:00,933
I GET BACK FROM GOLF
AND MY WIFE GOES,
"HOW'S GARY?"

670
00:39:01,067 --> 00:39:02,600
"I DON'T KNOW."

671
00:39:08,567 --> 00:39:11,500
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING GOLFING WITH GARY TODAY."

672
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:14,200
"I DID."

673
00:39:16,067 --> 00:39:18,267
"AND YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW HE'S DOING?"

674
00:39:18,367 --> 00:39:21,200
"IT NEVER REALLY
CAME UP.

675
00:39:25,067 --> 00:39:27,467
DID YOU ASK ME
TO ASK HIM THAT?"

676
00:39:27,567 --> 00:39:31,067
"NO, I THOUGHT
MAYBE YOU WOULD THINK
TO ASK HIM THAT."

677
00:39:31,133 --> 00:39:33,367
"I DIDN'T THINK
OF THAT."

678
00:39:36,833 --> 00:39:39,533
"WELL, IS HE DATING
ANYONE?"

679
00:39:40,700 --> 00:39:43,233
"I-I DON'T KNOW.

680
00:39:44,567 --> 00:39:46,867
HOW WOULD I
KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

681
00:39:49,967 --> 00:39:53,400
"WERE YOU TWO
IN THE SAME GOLF CART?"

682
00:39:53,500 --> 00:39:54,900
"YEAH."

683
00:39:55,067 --> 00:39:56,433
"YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

684
00:39:56,533 --> 00:40:00,433
YOU WERE IN THE SAME
GOLF CART FOR FOUR HOURS,

685
00:40:00,533 --> 00:40:03,600
AND YOU DON'T KNOW
IF HE'S DATING ANYONE?"

686
00:40:05,467 --> 00:40:08,467
"I KNOW HE'S GOT
A NEW DRIVER."

687
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:17,400
"HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE
THAT WOULDN'T COME UP?"

688
00:40:18,733 --> 00:40:21,267
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE
THAT WOULD COME UP?

689
00:40:21,367 --> 00:40:23,433
"THAT 150 MARKER'S
RIGHT THERE.

690
00:40:23,533 --> 00:40:25,633
YOU'RE PROBABLY
AT ABOUT 135.

691
00:40:27,767 --> 00:40:30,733
( shouting )
ARE YOU DATING
ANYONE?!"

692
00:40:33,733 --> 00:40:36,767
YOU GUYS
ARE GREAT, MAN.

693
00:40:36,867 --> 00:40:38,367
THANK YOU.

694
00:40:38,467 --> 00:40:40,733
( rock music playing )

695
00:40:42,433 --> 00:40:43,867
THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

696
00:41:07,433 --> 00:41:11,800
( rock music playing )