Original subtitles

(gentle music playing)

(Jack) Two years ago, you said you were all fucked up

and that you'd always be alone.

Would you prefer if that were the case?

But you said if you could be with anyone,

you would be with me.

-Alice, what happened? -I fell in love.

Alice's happiness now is only possible

because you showed her that happiness is a possibility.

(Jack) I think you should be prepared for the strange fact

that when Alice is around,

you're never aware of the passage of time.

Be ready for nothing to make sense,

and yet for everything to make sense.

Do not be alarmed, my friends. This is all perfectly normal.

-Hey, Danny. -(Danny) Get out the fucking way!

(breathes heavily)

(Jack) You disappeared, Alice.

I haven't heard from you for three years.

I was reconstituting.

The price of oil is gonna crash, and when it does,

those of us who saw that coming are gonna make a bloody fortune.

I did everything you asked of me at that wedding and more.

And you repaid me with silence.

Do you have any investible capital, like cash or equities?

(Jack) I sense you don't approve.

Only because you have no idea what you're doing

and your investment advisor is a complete psychotic.

If this works out,

I can give Celia the future she would've had

if we'd never been divorced.

(Paul) This is why God created second husbands.

-Let Mark do it. -I don't want Mark to do it.

Celia's fond enough of him as it is.

-Sell! Sell! -(crowd chattering)

Sell everything!

Sell everything!

-Yes! -(Paul) Yes!

(all cheer)

(music concludes)

(Jack panting) Hey.

Sorry, I've only got about six minutes.

I'm upstairs killing syphilis bacteria, so...

(Alice) On your lunch break?

(sighs) Yeah, lunch break, nights, weekends.

It's a passion project, which is a euphemism

for I've got to do it on me on time.

Which is in turn a euphemism for your boss is a soulless wanker.

(chuckles) Maybe.

Anyway, this might take the edge off.

Oh my God.

I mean, don't you... don't you normally wire these or...

-(chuckles softly) -Well...

I thought this would be festive.

I mean, what if... what if I lose it?

It'll be reissued if you lose it.

What if I'm mugged on the way to the bank? (chuckles)

Don't endorse it till you get inside the bank.

They're gonna suspect me of criminal activity, I think.

(Alice) No, they're not.

But they will treat you differently,

today and for the rest of time.

It's not gonna break.

You can be as nonchalant as you like about this.

You can probably afford to buy Belgium now.

-But this... -(chuckles)

...this is my daughter's freedom to find her way.

And I was never nervous.

You said it would happen, and it happened.

Thank you for coming. Thank you for this.

I just didn't like fighting, Jack. I didn't like it at all.

And I wanted to come here and talk the way we used to.

And set the world right.

You've done that.

I keep thinking I'm gonna crumple the cheque.

(both chuckle)

(Jack) Oh, sorry.

Sorry, Alice. I... I... I... I can't do that.

Alice, I'm sorry.

(chuckles softly) I've turned a corner.

Right, I mean, I told you... I told you that.

No, I shouldn't have, erm... I, er...

I meant to just give you the cheque and then leave the way that I came.

You only want me now 'cause you can't have me.

I'm not a fucking child.

It comes up, you know.

It's there, it's always been there.

Can't help but come out.

Do you know what I mean?

I haven't looked in on those feelings for a while.

-They don't matter. -They don't matter?

Everything's breakable, Alice, even this.

Well, I suppose we're even. (chuckles softly)

Nearly.

(gentle music playing)

(gentle music continues)

(music continues)

(colleague) Morning, boss.

Good morning, boss.

What the fuck is going on?

(Paul) You sitting down?

I'm standing up right in front of you.

Half an hour ago, a courier delivered

a massive cheque from Vanth Capital

with an instruction letter from Alice

stipulating it be used to set up a new pro-bono division

led by you, with no interference from Saul the Cheap.

Who, if you look discreetly over my shoulder...

Jack, I said discreetly, for fuck's sake.

Awaits you at the centrifuge.

So anyway, good morning.

-What are you doing? -I'm stopping this.

Have you lost your mind?

She doesn't decide how I live my life.

(Alice on voicemail) Hi, this is Alice's phone...

She's rich. They decide everything.

Mate, she just made our dreams come true.

We can do what we want.

We can follow our hearts.

We can go to Cuba, Dominica, or Malaysia or Sri Lanka,

or the Maldives, where the problems are.

We can work with those brilliant doctors

who have everything but the money.

-What do I tell Saul? -Tell him he's a soulless fucker.

Maya.

Jack. Hi. Congratulations.

What's happening here?

(Maya) Yeah, she sent everybody their money

and then she closed down the fund.

Why? What the fuck?

(Maya) Well, because she's done, isn't she?

I mean, she set records year over year.

Her employees and clients are all sorted.

And I mean, she's got more money than she could ever spend.

-So I think she's made a point. -This is... This is crazy.

-Where is she? -She wants to travel.

-When does she leave? -She left last night.

She didn't say goodbye.

(Maya) She doesn't like goodbyes. Especially not the ones with you.

What did you think this was?

Some sort of passive aggressive power display?

Aggressive, aggressive.

But yeah, that's what it feels like.

No, Jack, she took you at your word

and she did a noble and generous thing.

I didn't ask her to.

Yeah, and that's why it's noble and generous.

She's in love with you. You idiot.

-Did she tell you that? -(Maya) I'm her friend.

She left something for you in case you came.

-You know what it says? -Of course not.

-Might build up to it. -(Maya) Hmm.

It won't change what's inside.

Hey, what do you want for your birthday?

It's months from now.

I want to get a head start.

A sword.

A sword?

Mark says I should try fencing next.

Does he?

Well, I bet you'll be a fine fencer.

Who's that from?

Oh, erm... (smack lips) ...my friend Alice.

The lady who almost got married?

-You remember her? -(Celia) Of course.

What's it say?

I haven't read it yet...

but I will.

Right. Come on, let's go to bed.

(mellow instrumental music playing)

(phone ringing)

Hello. Where are you?

I am in the hall.

-Can I come in? -(Celia) Okay.

(music concludes)

-(door opening) -(Jack sighing)

Morning. How'd you sleep?

Fine. Are you going in?

I am. Sorry, I have to.

Paul and I are tinkering.

There's eggs downstairs.

Eat them before they themselves become infectious.

Erm, Mark said if you had to go to work,

he would take me to breakfast.

Great. Give us a hug.

Wow.

-See you later. -Bye.

(Jack) Don't forget your keys.

(soft music playing)

(door closing)

(music concludes)

Oh my God.

-Celia. -I have some questions.

(Alice) I've waited so long for this.

(pouring liquid)

(utensil clinking)

Hmm.

-You're a dancer. -Well, no.

I mean, I was when I was a kid, for 16 years really.

But it could have been my job, I suppose, yeah.

What happened?

-Things just changed. -Yeah.

But I do it for myself still.

Yeah, that seems about the only thing I haven't tried.

-(chuckles) -You should.

-Really? -Yeah.

Why does my mum hate my dad?

She doesn't.

I think she's just...

a bit angry.

Why?

Things in the past.

Like you and my dad?

Yeah.

So it was a mistake.

-What was? -My mum and my dad getting married?

(Alice) No. No.

It was a mistake, so I shouldn't be alive.

No.

That's the farthest thing from the truth. No.

And your dad would say it's the best thing he's ever done.

And I'd agree with him, 'cause you are here.

And we're meant to be here, aren't we? All of us.

I think.

My mum and my stepdad say awful things about him.

Yeah.

-He doesn't fight back. -No.

-Of course, he doesn't. -(chuckles)

Well...

Well, I want to know what the truth is, what to believe.

And if there's another side to the story, I want to hear it.

Well, that's fair enough.

I'm not sure that it's my place to say.

I need to know whether I can trust him.

If I should love him.

Oh my goodness.

You know, Celia, life just isn't tidy,

and it's just really easy to judge people.

But, erm...

your dad is the best person I know.

Really?

Yeah, I don't think I'd be here if it wasn't for him.

And I wish...

I would've given anything to have a dad like your dad.

Do you want me to teach you some...

ballet?

-Is that weird? (chuckles) -No. Yeah, yeah. (chuckles)

-Yeah. -(Celia) Yeah?

-(Alice) Okay. -Shall I...

(Alice) Take your shoes off. (clears throat)

(soft music playing)

(Alice) And then just open your arms out

and that's second position.

And then just bring them back together again.

You're giving the impression of a ballerina.

-(chuckles) Really? -You are, yeah.

Erm. I'll show you a different thing.

So you can hold onto me again. Okay.

I'm... I'm like the ballet boy.

You've got it, you've got it, you've got it. (chuckles)

(soft music continues)

-(Alice) That's amazing. -(chuckles)

(Alice) Celia, honestly, I think that you'd be

really, really good at this.

-Really? -(Alice) Yeah.

I do.

Point your right foot.

(soft music continues)

-Perfect. Yeah. -Really?

(both chuckle)

Brilliant. Are you all right there?

Yeah, a bit wobbly.

(both chuckle)

(soft music continues)

Hello. Did you forget your key again?

-(chuckles) -Yeah.

We'll have to get you one of those little grey rocks

you can hide 'em inside.

What happened?

-Who's angry? -No one, it's just a better hug.

(music concludes)

(Jack sighs)

Okay. (sighs)

-Sit down. -(Celia) Mm-hmm.

-(sighs) -How was work?

Tried and failed to save humanity again.

How was breakfast?

-Didn't go. -No?

What'd you do instead?

Nothing much.

(pensive music playing)

-Very mysterious. "Nothing much." -Mm-hmm.

-(chuckles softly) -(chuckles softly)

(both chuckle)

(music concludes)

It's making less and less sense.

(both laugh)

(Jack) Present company excluded.

-Excluded, thank you. (chuckles) -(Jack laughs) You're welcome.

-(Pamela) Oh my God. (sighs) -(chuckles)

Can I just say, I'm having a really nice time with you?

Yeah. I'm... I'm having a really nice time with you too.

-Good. -(Jack chuckles)

So, there's something I should tell you.

(Pamela) Oh, God.

Is this besides the ex-wife and the... the daughter?

-(Jack) It is. It is, yeah. -Okay.

(crowd chattering)

I've been in love with somebody since 2007,

and she has been in love with me since 2007.

Erm...

Yeah, we tried dating when we were young, you know,

but it just did not work out.

And so we ended up leaving each other's lives for good.

-Oh, you're not in touch. -No, we are in touch.

-You are in touch? -(Jack) Yeah, erm... (scoffs)

We bumped into each other a few years ago coincidentally.

-In Cuba. -In Cuba?

-(Jack) Yeah. -Hmm.

-(Jack) Can you imagine? -No.

Anyway, ever since then, we've just been friends.

You know, we see each other all the time.

We tell each other basically everything.

But there's a line now

that we'll never ever cross it again. And... that's it.

I only tell you this now 'cause I failed to tell somebody

about it years ago, and that turned out to not be fair.

So you're in love with another woman...

-Yeah. -Yeah.

And she's in love with you...

Yeah.

...and you're sitting here, presenting yourself as available?

I am available.

-(clears throat) -(smack lips, sighs)

(producer) Okay, guys, are we ready?

Ready in four, three, two...

Here's a phrase you don't hear every day,

"Celebrated Biomedical Researcher".

Jack Caine, welcome to the programme.

Thank you very much for having me.

You've been on quite a run.

Er, I should say, first of all, that it's not just me.

There's a whole bunch of us, but yeah, thank you.

This is 2022, Jack, there's no such thing as humility.

(chuckles softly) Tell us what's in your crosshairs.

-Well, er, dengue fever. -(Rachel) Oh.

It's mosquito born, caused by a virus.

About 22,000 deaths a year, mostly children.

And there is no known cure.

(Rachel) And to Jack and his bunch, so to speak. (chuckles)

-(Jack) That's the idea, yeah. -(Rachel) So, what's the plan?

You and Rachel Tinsley-Dean liked each other.

-Please. -Show business.

(chuckles softly)

Well, I think you're a very good match.

You and Rachel Tinsley-Dean, you look great together.

You and Rachel Tinsley-Dean sound great together.

Why do you keep on calling her by her full name?

Just like saying her full name.

Rachel Tinsley-Dean. Rachel Tinsley-Dean.

It's just up here on the left, please.

Rachel Tinsley-Dean. If you've got married...

If you got married, she'd be called Rachel Tinsley-Dean-Caine.

You can't have two hyphens.

Yeah, it's a real mouthful. You can't.

-I'll see you later. -(exhales sharply)

I'm not supposed to know about that.

Oh, yeah.

-I'll not see you tonight. -You're a nightmare.

(classical music playing)

Just in time. Come this way.

(classical music continues)

(classical music intensifies)

-(music concludes) -(audience applauding)

(audience hooting)

(sighs) Thank you for coming. Oh my God. Okay, I've gotta go.

(dramatic music playing)

-Well done on your half of the DNA. -Ah, yeah, you too.

God, she's so good.

(music concludes)

I mean she's pretty bendy.

She's loose jointed. Yeah.

If ballet doesn't work out, she can be a magician's assistant.

(chuckles)

I think it will work out. I think it will.

And I'm really, really happy to have been part of that.

A big part of it.

It's kinda life-changing, isn't it, when you just...

put the self-absorption aside and you focus

on the next generation?

Because you feel like you can finally like just...

I dunno, breathe or something.

You sound like a parent.

I'm gonna be.

You should be.

(Alice) No, I'm actually going to be one.

I've decided to be one. My insemination is next Wednesday.

-Well, congratulations. -(Alice chuckling)

-Thanks. -Wow.

When... when did you decide...

(Alice) It's been evolving and it's been coalescing. You know?

I just need my own people.

You are my people, but you're also not mine.

And erm...

I just need my own clan. A clan of two.

-It's not a very big clan, but... -It'll be a fantastic clan.

Yeah.

Sorry, what is the method, means by which you...

Oh, yeah. No, erm, turkey baster.

-Tur... Oh. -Just like Christmas.

Yep. Just pick out of a catalogue.

-And so who's the lucky guy? -(Alice) Steven Foster.

-Steven Foster. -Thirty-eight. Of Watford.

-(Jack) Hmm. -Etymologist.

-Ooh! Fancy. -(Alice) Yeah.

He's really nice actually, I met him.

Five stars on Yelp.

You know... my kid will beat me at Scrabble.

-So win-win. -That's the dream.

(Alice chuckling)

Jesus. I'm just... I mean, I'm delighted for you.

(Alice) Thank you.

Do you think I'll be an all-right parent?

-(Jack) No. -(chuckles)

I think you'll... I know you'll be an amazing parent.

-Oh? -(Jack) Yeah.

The only one who'll be happier than you will be the kid.

Guaranteed.

-This is brilliant. -(chuckles softly)

-A baby? -Yes.

Which she plans on raising alone?

Yes?

-Alice? -Yes.

-(Paul) Oy, oy, oy. -Hey.

I knew it was all going too well.

I knew there was too much peace and quiet in our little circle.

-A lovely cortisol-free six years. -(sighs)

You guys don't give Alice enough credit.

-For what, the abyss? -(chuckles)

You know she's gonna be calling you like every five minutes.

I really don't think so.

(Donna) Well I do. Just don't get sucked into it.

Don't get sucked right back into that

Alice dysfunctionality vortex.

I completely agree. Everyone would agree.

Even Pandora would.

She'd say, "Dear God, don't. Don't open that."

(Donna) We'll insulate you.

We'll help her find a baby nurse, a nanny,

a cook, a concierge doctor, an errand runner,

a full-on launderer, a cleaner,

even a therapist, one that's got a few partners

so that, you know, there's always someone on call.

Yeah, maybe put that last one first.

You guys need to stop because she's going to be great.

(Donna) Okay.

Okay, well, you know, we just only hope so,

for her sake, for the child's sake, and for your sake.

Because here what now, we got some news.

Go on, baby, tell him.

Er, Rachel Tinsley-Dean wants to go out with you.

What is wrong with everybody?

She does not want to go out with me.

She called the office and asked for your mobile.

-She asked for my mobile? -(Paul) Yep.

She probably wants to go out with me, then.

Did you give it to her?

(Paul) I said I'd ask you, and that's what I'm doing.

-Celebrated Biomedical Researcher. -(Jack) Mm-hmm.

It's probably a bad idea.

You don't mix business and pleasure, right?

Are you joking? No one would ever have sex.

Listen, either you take her out for dinner,

or I will kill you with my bare hands.

Well, no, don't look at me. I'll hide the body.

Okay.

(Alice) I heard your shoes all the way down the hall.

-(Maya chuckles) -What about Houghton for a boy?

Yeah, there's no good answer to that.

What about Hester for a girl?

I think maybe let's move away from the Hs.

Right. Okay. Noted.

-So, this Steven guy... -Mm-hmm.

...is he kind of like part of the family now?

No.

-He's an etymologist. -Mm-hmm.

Etymology's like a 24/7 career path.

(Maya) Right.

You know, nouns popping up left, right, and centre.

In other words, though, you don't want him around.

Do you know, Maya, not everyone needs a dad, really.

In other words, though, if... if this Horton Hester was

to have a father figure, it could only be Jack.

You might recall that Jack already has his own kid.

But in other words...

Will you stop saying "in other words"?

-In other words... -(Alice) Maya.

-(whispers) In other words... -Oh my God.

In other words, you're coming up with excuses.

Jack has the biggest heart of anyone.

There's plenty of room.

Jack and I are really good friends, and it's taken 15 years

and a random meeting halfway around the world to find that out.

And I'm not gonna mess it up by asking any more of him.

Okay.

(paper rustling)

-What do you mean, "Okay"? -Okay.

Do you not wanna, like, argue with me or something?

Do you want me to argue with you?

-No. -Well, then, okay.

Okey-dokes. (chuckles softly)

(Maya) Okey-dokes. Let's eat.

(cutlery clinking)

My mother told me when it comes to men,

find the handsomest nerd you can.

-Is that what she did? (chuckles) -(Rachel) Yeah.

And they've been happy their entire lives.

Oh, wow. They must be very proud of you.

They worry. It's television, so it's superficial.

Dumbed down and money driven.

(Jack) Everything's superficial, dumbed down and money driven.

Not everything. Not what you do.

I was lucky, I had a guardian angel.

-(Rachel) What happened to her? -(crowd chattering)

-How do you know it's a her? -The way you said it.

Hm.

Sorry to be forward.

I work 105 hours a week.

When I'm drawn to someone, I declare myself,

gather information and take a decision.

-I do not have time for... -Bullshit.

Yeah, I was gonna say inefficiency, but also that. (chuckles)

Okay, there's something I should probably tell you.

Oh, God. Hang on.

-Go. -(chuckles softly)

I've been in love with someone for 15 years

and she's in love with me.

The woman that came to the taping.

-How do you know that? -She came to the taping. (chuckles)

-Also I have a daughter. -(Rachel) With that woman?

-No, with my ex-wife. -Golly.

-(Jack chuckling) -You're a lot for a nerd.

-(chuckles softly) -(Jack) Sorry.

(smack lips) So, this woman.

Alice.

We've never managed to stay in a romantic relationship together

for longer than about 11 minutes,

so a long time ago we decided to just be friends.

We have everything apart from the physical, basically.

And that's the way that that will stay.

Mm-hmm.

But I guess my point is that I'm not

a completely clean slate.

We are adults, Jack.

Anyone without a clean slate just hasn't been trying.

Pardon me?

Besides which, it's not like I'm asking you to marry me.

(chuckles softly) It's all right.

I mean, I just want to enjoy your company.

Okay, I'm with you so far.

(Rachel) If Alice is the love of your life,

that's great, because work is the love of mine.

There you go, that's my confession. (chuckles softly)

So if you are interested in me. (chuckles softly) I...

say let's begin.

-(alarm chiming) -Alice.

I just feel like I've... Have I forgotten something?

(Maya) Well, don't worry about that because I haven't.

I've got everything. I've got scones.

Scones.

Yeah, well, you never know, and they travel well.

-Come on. -(Alice) Okay.

Goodbye flat. One of us is leaving.

Two of us might be coming back.

If we don't go now, the police will come.

-(Alice) Okay, did I set the alarm? -Yep, it's on.

-That's amazing. -(Maya) Come on.

-When did I do that? -(Maya) I did it. Go.

-Mm. -(Jack) Morning.

Mm. Hi.

-(Jack) Hello. How'd you sleep? -(inhales sharply)

(sighs) This is a good bed.

-It is. -(Rachel) Hmm.

Where did you get it, if I may ask? (chuckles)

I don't actually know. It was a housewarming gift.

-Nice housewarming. -Mm-hmm. It was.

So I go dark on Fridays.

Cyclical depression, is that?

-My show. -Ah.

Which means, Thursday night is my next avail.

If you're free.

I am free.

And if I was not free, I would become free.

I like you. (chuckles softly)

(smooches)

(exhales sharply)

-(Rachel) You okay? -(smack lips)

Yeah. It's dumb.

-(Rachel) I'm listening. -You remember Alice?

Yeah. She's... being inseminated in about an hour.

-Clinically, you mean? (chuckles) -(chuckles)

-Yes, sorry. Clinically. -Wow.

-Good for her. -Hmm.

Hm. I've thought about it.

-You have? -(Rachel) Mm.

When they kicked me outta the business.

The joys of parenting without the prison sentence of marriage.

But can I ask you something? What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

(Rachel) Well if your relationship is really what you say,

then shouldn't you be by her side?

Moral support and so on. What kind of friend are you?

-She didn't ask. -Of course, she didn't ask!

(chuckles) She didn't wanna cross a line.

Your relationship means too much to her

and she didn't wanna place undue weight.

Really?

How can some people be so smart in some ways

and so daft in others?

It... it wouldn't have been placing undue weight,

-I would've to be there. -Well then why didn't you suggest?

Be... Well, because I didn't want to place undue weight on her.

(Rachel) Mm. That's the problem with respect.

Too much of it and everything gets fucked.

Do you know where she's getting it done?

Yeah, I mean... Yeah, I mean, I could call her.

Calling is half-arsed. Real friendship is full-arsed.

It's rush hour. I'm not gonna get there in time.

Which is why you ride a bicycle.

(gentle music playing)

(keyboard clacking)

You all right?

-Mm. Mm-hmm. -Sure?

(Maya) Okay. Ooh, do you want a scone?

-Not right now. -Okay.

(sighs)

(music concludes)

Hi. Do you mind if I just pop out for a minute?

Is it for a cigarette?

(Alice) No, it's not for a cigarette.

-Then it's fine. -(Alice) Thanks.

-Do you want me to come with you? -(Alice) I'm okay.

Hey, I'll wait here in case they come,

and if they do, I'll come and get you.

-(Alice) Great plan. -Okay.

(Alice sighing)

(soft music playing)

(sighs)

(Jack) Alice.

-(laughs) -(Jack) Alice.

Alice. Oh my God! Jesus Christ.

-(pants) -(laughs)

(Jack) Did I miss it? Has it happened already?

They don't just put you outside right afterwards.

-No, it hasn't happened yet. -Phew! (pants)

-I can't believe I made it. -(music concludes)

You can actually get here in, like, 18 minutes

-if you ignore the lights. -Oh, well, good to know.

-(Jack chuckles) -(chuckles)

I'm sorry. I should have asked to come, I was...

-I was standing on ceremony. -(Alice) I'm sorry.

I would've asked you to come. I almost asked you to come.

(pants) It's exhausting, isn't it? Being in love.

It's fucking brutal. (chuckles softly)

(sighs) You're not alone, Alice.

You've never been alone.

From the day we met, you've had a clan.

-(pants) -(Alice sniffling)

Do you think maybe you'd better pick up your bike?

Yeah.

(Alice) Just for pedestrians and stuff? (sniffles)

(Jack) Yeah.

(theme music playing)

(music concludes)