Original subtitles

Go on.

Have a seat right there.

You know, that's actually a very good question.

Have you ever partaken in the five -finger discount?

No. I've never heard of it. What is that?

Oh, you've never heard of that one? Yeah, it's a pretty good deal that they

every once in a while.

Yeah, they often find themselves in my office.

Oh.

Yeah, so there was a...

I was notified that there was something that was stolen, and it kind of fits the

shape right here.

Does that look familiar?

No, I've never seen it before.

Okay, I know. I guess we can just play denial until the grave.

Well, this is going to go one of two ways.

One, I'm going to do my job, and I'm going to have to perform a search on

person.

Or two, I call it an early day, and I give the cops a ring, and they can

it. You think I stole them?

I have reasonable suspicion to believe so.

I've never stolen anything.

You know what? I'll tell you what.

I want to believe you, but I've got to do my job.

Okay.

So... Do you consent to a search?

I guess. I mean, I don't want you to call the cops, but like I said, I'm

innocent.

You know, if that's the first time I heard that, it's probably not going to

the last.

All right, will you go ahead and stand up for me?

Okay.

All right, clap your hands up.

Um, what do you mean?

Well, you have consented to a full search, so we are going to

do just that.

Then I was going to go like this.

Well, I should have thought about that before.

Whoa.

What are you doing?

I'm just doing my job.

I don't think that's a very good job.

Um, I think, what are you doing?

Do you have a job?

Do you work?

I go to school.

Oh, okay.

Well, I won't tell you how to study and you won't tell me how to do my job.

Um,

a little close.

You're just getting started, honey. Alright.

Have a look in here.

Okay.

Alright.

Like I said, I'm innocent.

Yeah, I don't believe you.

Alright.

So, you know, this is going to be easier if you just take everything off.

You want me to take off my clothes?

Yep.

Um, that doesn't sound right.

Well, we're doing a strip search.

Uh, what?

Why? I've never, like, taken a year as a security guard.

I'm a customer, and I really think this is, like, not right.

You know, part of me agrees with you, and part of me doesn't even want to deal

with it either.

But I'll tell you what.

I'll just go ahead and give the cops a call. They can handle it. I can go home

early.

Maybe catch the game.

I don't know what to call the cough.

Alright, well then.

Go on, take it out.

Okay.

So you haven't seen anything that fits that shape. Nope.

I wonder what this is.

I wonder if you push this button.

Something wrong?

Nope. Nothing wrong?

Nope.

Right here. Look at me.

Right there.

And nothing's wrong.

See, I told you. Nothing.

There's nothing in my pockets. You can check.

I'm pretty much clean, so...

All right, ma 'am. I'm going to have

to ask you to... Well, let's just start by removing those shoes.

Okay.

I'm gonna have to ask you to, uh, remove your shoes.

My shoes?

Mm -hmm. Why? Like, nothing could be better than my shoes.

Yeah, nothing?

Yeah, well, I just need a few, you know? Okay. How weird.

Yeah.

I've been... I've been weirder.

All right, I'm here.

Yeah, there I'll be.

How about we go ahead and remove those pox, too?

My pox? Yeah.

But you can see them right here. There's, like, nothing in them.

Yeah. Okay.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm going to go ahead and have those here.

All right.

Pretty fun game, isn't it? Oh, nice for you.

Almost like, hang a seat.

Where's the little humming to my phone?

Hmm, I wonder.

Hmm.

You know, I don't know, but I'm just gonna... You're gonna have to lose your

trousers. My pants?

Yeah.

I don't know about that. I mean, I'm supposed to leave and, you know, meet

friends for lunch.

Like... It's, uh, I don't really know if I have time for this.

So, we probably should have thought about that before this myth

-themed merchandise just happened to disappear in your vicinity.

Well, if I take off my panties and there's nothing there, can I go?

Well, I want to continue to conduct a thorough search, but that was a good

start.

So I can go if I take off my pants.

We're heading in that direction. So go ahead and remove your trousers.

Alright, let's see those.

This seems to be good.

Does that then seem to be a problem?

Nope, everything's fine.

You're a little uncomfortable?

Yeah. Hear that little button?

You don't feel that buzzer?

You don't have to be doing anything.

Oh, you know, you need to be my age. You might hear a few things.

I also need to be my age to sing a few things. Go ahead and put your arms out.

Nice and wide. Good. We're just going to... Oh, okay.

Yeah, we're going to have to remove this.

I don't think that's necessary.

Yeah. Well, you know what? I'm not going to argue with you.

I'll tell you what.

You make my day easy, I can make your day easy. You make my day hard, I can

your day hard.

You said you weren't going to call the cops, though.

They can come and take over if you would like.

I mean, I can call the cops and they can pass you around like a piece of meat

during Thanksgiving dinner.

Oh gosh, it's a Friday.

You might not even get seen. You might be there all weekend until the judiciary

is ready to see you on Monday.

I don't know. Do you think you got what it takes to hang out in a prison?

Or to jail cell?

That's messed up.

Oh, honey, this world ain't fair.

You should know this by now. And you're stepping on the wrong side of the law,

so... Let's see, where's this sound coming from?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Yeah, where's this sound coming from?

Must be your picnic, old man.

You got jokes.

I appreciate that. Good little sense of humor.

All right, well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go ahead and remove your clothes.

Is there like a female officer or anyone else nearby?

If you'd like a female officer, unfortunately there's none on duty right

if you'd like to continue down this road, I can go ahead and call the police

make sure that they bring a female officer to take you off of my hands.

Does that work for you?

There's no other option?

That's me.

What if I took off my pants and I could go home? No, I said you're on a step in

the right direction, but I'm not done conducting my investigation.

Can I go home after?

You can go home when I'm done conducting my investigation.

Is there much left?

Yeah,

I think we're getting down pretty close.

You know, one little bit at a time.

I'll tell you what, I'll help you out with that.

Let's see.

Not coming from here.

Do I even need to tell you what to do next?

I haven't stolen anything.

Ah, you know.

Ignorance isn't so guilty.

Gotcha. Okay. Well, the next bit is you're going to have to remove your

You want me to take off my panties? I'm already completely naked. I should be

able to go home by now. I'm fucking sick of it.

You know, I'm no biology professor or anything.

Hell, I barely even graduated biology in high school.

But I can tell you the human body does not make that kind of humming sound. So,

yes, I'm going to have to insist that you remove your panties. You know, I've

got all day.

And you know what? This button, I kind of like pushing this button.

So are you done playing sleeping?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Just remove the panties.

We both know what's going on.

All right.

Bend over.

Go. Bend over.

All right. We're just going to go ahead and remove these.

There we go.

What are you doing, you weirdo?

Oh, you know.

being a weirdo i could probably be a weirdo in fact yeah let's be a weirdo

see all right

let's see about the button right there

oh

what do we have here

I really don't feel like this is necessary.

Oh, I think this is plenty necessary.

Huh, okay.

Oh, here, come on up here. Put this up right there, yeah.

Oh.

I'm sure that tickles, doesn't it? Is that why you've been acting all funny

every time I push this button?

None of your business.

It is my business.

Hey, don't mind if I just...

have here oh look at that and it fits

perfectly perfectly inside that you

know I tell you what I am good at my job whoo

all right you know what We're just going to have to keep searching. We've got to

do a thorough investigation now.

What do you mean?

I'm about to do a cavity search. Don't you like putting merchandise up there?

Well, you already found it. There's nothing else in there. Well, don't mind

but I don't exactly trust anything that comes out of your mouth.

Let's see. Okay.

Well, you already got it.

Oh, yeah. Well, here we go.

Oh, yeah,

you're grippy.

This doesn't feel like a strip search.

No, what does it feel like?

It feels like your finger.

You know, seeing how I got you dead to rights.

Well,

seeing how I got you dead to rights, we've got a couple options.

So we've got a couple options.

One, well, you're caught.

You agree?

You got caught?

Sure. Okay, great. Now we've got admission.

Now, I can either continue to prosecute you, which is technically according to

my protocol, but now I have to call the police.

But you said that you weren't going to call them.

Well, that's one route we could go. The other route could almost

pretend that there's nothing that happened.

Yeah. You like that idea?

Yeah, I mean, you got it back, so, you know, you can take it back to the store

and I can go home.

Ah, but you see, you see, I've got...

my manly, worldly needs that need to be taken care of.

And seeing how I got you dead to rights, well, you want to beat around the bush

or be direct? What do you like?

What are you trying to get at?

Okay, we're going to be direct.

I won't have sex with you.

And you do that, we'll make this whole mess disappear.

I don't really feel like that's right.

You know what?

I'm not going to force you to do anything that you don't want to do.

going to be fun for both of us.

So I guess that just means I've got to do my job, which nobody likes doing

job. But, you know, it is what it is.

I've got admission to guilt.

Caught you red -handed.

So, yeah, looks like I'm just going to have to call the police.

You can't call the police.

My parents are going to kill me, and I have to go to college soon. I got this

really good scholarship, and it's going to ruin everything. You can't call the

police.

So it's almost as if you could just fuck your way out of your problem and make

it just disappear.

What? How can you even suggest something like that?

Whether I suggest it or not, that is the reality of what you are facing right

now.

I don't know. It's some kind of growth.

You don't have to. I'm not going to force you.

But we know what goes down that road. Now I've got to call the cops, and

got to take you off my hands, and I'll probably take an early day.

Or I can, you know, stay a little bit longer, maybe clock some overtime.

You know, we can have some fun.

And then you can leave here as if nothing had happened.

Well, do you have another option?

You got those two.

That's it? That's it.

I've never done anything like this, and it's just so weird.

It's not really weird at all. It's pretty straightforward.

You and I have sex, and then you leave here, and we both go on about our days

feeling better and not having to deal with the consequences of our decisions.

two, I do my job, and you lose your scholarship?

Is that what I'm understanding?

Oh, my God.

I'm in so much trouble.

You need a moment to think about it. Should I come back?

Yeah. Well, no, I'm not going anywhere. You get to decide.

How can I think about it?

I mean, there's nothing to think about it.

Cops.

Or have fun. I mean, you're already naked. You're almost there.

I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do.

I'll turn around and I'll take the wall.

And if you want to do this, then you sit down on that table. And when I turn

back around, We'll begin.

So now you don't have to worry about something.

How is this going to start?

What are we going to do? What's going to happen?

If you just sit on that table, when I turn back around, we'll go through with

it. And then we'll keep going, and then we're done.

And it can all just disappear like magic.

Or maybe it's a good dream. I don't know. Maybe we're kinky like that. I

know. We're just getting to know each other.

Good dream for you.

Well,

I can get pretty weird.

Oh, God.

I can't believe this is happening.

Well, I can't. Tell you what, I'll turn around and I'll give you to the count of

five.

You can try that, but the door is locked.

And it's not like you're going to run through the entire department store butt

-ass naked.

Because then you're going to end up on the sex offenders list for indecent

exposure. so you're just gonna be digging a deeper hole so by all means if

want to leave go for it oh great okay so you got five

four three two one

okay

i mean i guess bending over on the table did that but i thought it was

I'm going to have sex with you. So we got a deal?

Yeah. All right. Come look at me. Look at me.

We got a deal.

Fine.

Why don't you get up on that table?

Oh.

oh come on that's not so bad don't talk to me

You ready for that, Dave?

You're really wet.

You know, I'm trying to. I'm trying to.

You know.

Maybe if we try a different position.

Here, let's get him here.

Yeah, right

there.

You don't have to poke me so hard.

You want me to be a little bit lower?

It might just take a little bit longer.

I didn't want to keep you here for a moment.

You really are a pervert, huh?

Oh, yeah.

I'm glad I'm a pervert. You'd be sitting in jail right now.

Holy shit!

Since you brought it up.

I better be honest, Dad.

Have you ever made a guy come before?

Um, not a lot.

Yeah, I think so.

Just zoom out, open up wide.

I'll tell you what, when I come, you can go.

I'll tell you what, I'm trying to, but you're making it a little difficult.

Get back up here. They're doing it.

I'll tell you what, as much as it looks like he's drunk,

you're a ripper.

Totally.

That's all we want, man.

Keep doing that, you're going

to hate yourself.

Then you could be in sobriety.

oh oh oh

You can be this strong, Silent Night.

Come on, I'll take it again. I already did it once.

No, not at all. I don't feel like that at all.

You're just like dripping with it.

Tell me you like it, and I believe you.

I'll come.

Did you like coming on my dick?

Mm -hmm.

Well, it happened.

You like it? Mm -hmm.

Oh, yeah, that's it right there.

Oh, fuck, you know what?

I'm really fucking close.

Tell me you like it.

Tell me you like it. Okay,

I like it.

Is that okay?

I like it.

You do? You like it?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Get down here. Get down here.

Right there.

Right there. Right there.

I tell you what, look at the bright side.

You're free to go.

And I tell you what, if you want to come back and steal something, you can make

a round two.

You're crazy.

I'm never coming back here.

Can I get a napkin or something?

No, you've been a total bitch this whole fucking time.

Get your shit and get out.

That's it, sir.