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90 % of it is a wonderful, relaxing experience with just 10 % assault.

Woohoo!

We're here, baby.

Most travellers avoid bad reviews.

Let's see what the review says.

One star.

One star. One star. I've never seen anything more stupid.

If I could give it zero stars, I would. But not us.

I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own mind.

I'm Sarah Pascoe. I'm brilliant at this.

I'm Roisin Conaty.

Come on, fish it, fish it.

We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.

As someone who has received bad reviews, I will always try to look for the good.

So we're turning the tables on the review site.

They're so busy typing in their phone moment that they've got to look out.

And visiting places based on the worst reviews.

I'm close to it. Nothing to be afraid of. My review is 100 stars.

So will this journey of salvation be a five star fun fest?

I'm an absolute killer.

Or are we in for a holiday from hell?

Istanbul, baby.

It's got a lot going on. It smells delicious.

Hello.

I would like to eat some lovely Turkish food.

Am I getting helim? You betcha. Am I getting sujuk? You betcha. Am I getting

iskender? You betcha. I think I'm going to get run over.

Am I going to get run over? You betcha.

Over 18 million tourists per year travel to Istanbul.

the only major city in the world that straddles two continents, Asia and

Which one online reviewer says is smelly, packed and gave her husband food

poisoning? So we're here to find out if she's right. We've got reviews, optimism

and a jumbo pack of Imodium.

So what's the name of the hotel?

Elite.

It's like a comedy show.

We're hungry. Great.

I'm going to love it.

Only we were not laughing.

Like my gigs.

We're staying at the Elite World Hotel.

And at first glance, it looks luxurious.

Opulent, in fact.

But we're here because this five -star hotel has a secret.

Oh, the lobby looks nice.

Is that reassuring?

I think this is stunning.

It is pretty.

It's very five -star -y.

Yeah, glamour.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah.

They've all had hair transplants. Yeah.

The hair transplant.

Imagine you come on your honeymoon.

All the vans are for the clinic.

What have you... sign me up for this isn't me i'm anti -plastic surgery this

isn't me i think you're all beautiful as you are not you you made the right

plastic surgery in terms of beauty treatments is probably one of the

tourist attractions in istanbul and the hotel we're staying at has got loads of

people who are ostensibly on holiday come from other countries to get hair

transplants to get all different kinds of surgery

In fact, hair transplants make up half of Turkey's medical tourism industry,

worth over $1 billion a year.

That's a lot of cat flushing around. Speaking of flushing around, we're off

Istanbul's legendary waterway, the Bosworth.

The only time I've ever missed a flight was in Istanbul.

Left the hotel five hours before my flight and wasn't even close to making

Taxi driver gave me a packet of cigarettes to ease the stress.

Start smoking.

You're never going to make your plane.

You're going to live here and you're going to smoke.

Sometimes you don't move for up to 20 minutes and up. That's not even the

part. The constant honking while nothing is moving is. Well, we've not heard any

honking. It's all been very civilised.

There's the honking.

Wow, guys.

You manifested it.

That is... What you focus on prospers.

Now you point it out, everyone's honking.

Let's get the honking on. I've just not noticed before.

Everyone's honking 24 -7. OK.

How did I not notice that? It's a honk -off.

It's a honk -off. This place be honking.

Thankfully, I've got a more peaceful way of getting around the site.

Water bikes on the Prospers? Yep. That sounds fun, doesn't it?

beautiful open water you seem to be skipping over the word water bike what

really hoping to get out of it is 45 minutes of seeing all the best parts of

istanbul i've done it take it off the list

hello

hello hello we're here to do the water bike yes

Has anyone ever fallen in the water?

No. I believe that we could be the first people to fall in ever off a water bike

in the Bosphorus, yeah.

I've never seen anything like this.

It's a bike.

It's a boat. And it's a...

The decking for your back garden. When I first saw the bike, I thought, oh,

yeah, it's just an ironing board on a lilo.

You should go first, and she'll come to the back then, OK? OK. You're leading. I

don't know if that's the best of the plan.

OK.

I'd rather not be out on my own. OK.

Are you OK?

Yep. OK.

Roshan, right behind you.

OK, careful, Sarah, careful, careful.

I've got a question for you. Imagine if we drove cars, Roshan.

How dangerous.

The roads would be. I'm backing up. OK. It's one of the dirtiest waterways in

the world. So the jeopardy of falling in is more than it's ever been.

Time to get out of this canal and onto the bus. If we can.

There's a big boat coming.

OK, you should be... We've got right of way because we're basically pedestrians.

You should go left. Left? This way?

Left.

Left? Go left. I have to let the boat pass?

Yeah. I'm making a TV programme.

It should wait for me.

I don't think it's that relaxing.

Do you not feel relaxed?

No, and there's a canoe coming towards me as well. I've got a boat and a canoe.

We're just drifting. We're just drifting embarrassingly. There's another boat.

There's loads of boats.

Oh, no, now we're getting stopped. No, we shouldn't be going down here, but I'm

going to have to back out. Oh, Roisin, right, I'm backing out. I'm backing out.

Of course it's not safe. Don't crash into the back of me. And this boat is

to hit us.

I don't know my left from right. Can you tell him I don't know my left from

right? All of a sudden, it was rush hour.

You are about to hit a canoe. You're going to hit a canoe. You're going to

canoe. I can't avoid you, canoe.

Hellish. Hellish.

It's hellish.

I think the key is to go fast and make people avoid up.

I'm happy here.

Roach, I'm on the open water.

Catch me up.

There's a canoe.

Can someone help me?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's a canoe and a boat.

I can't even see you, Roisin.

I'm coming back for you. I'm turning as fast as I can.

There's a fast boat coming.

I'm turning as fast as I can.

Sarah, this is the worst.

Maybe this way's better.

Is this way better? Go back and right.

Right. I don't know my right from left.

I can't see anything. There's another bloody ship coming.

But what are the rules of the water?

No problem.

Sarah, at least you've got some action. I've been parked up for most of it. Come

on, join the fun. It's just dodging boats. I keep trying to and I keep

bullied back in. Careful, you're going to push me.

We did struggle to command the water. Have you ever tried to drive an ironing

board?

I'm coming, Sarah.

Come.

Okay. Where is Jane?

Where is Jane?

Where's my friend?

It's like a...

It's like SoulCycle with Jeopardy.

Ma 'am, you should do it back.

Do it back.

You again.

You're very bossy.

Me and Ebo, our guide, fell out right from the beginning, really. Called me

Madam. Madam's my mother.

And, yeah, just telling me right, left, backwards, forwards.

I don't respond well to alpha males.

I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own mind.

Right, this is it. The open water, Roisin.

This is why we came on holiday.

Oh, my God.

Crochet, it's the thing!

Finally, we've made it to the Bosphorus.

You get down the end and it's really beautiful.

It is. You get to the main waterway and it's open water and you're on an iron

port. And you feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway. You're like, I shouldn't be

allowed out here.

The time has come to ironing board our way to some Byzantine history.

So there was a moment where it did get really good.

I got to the end of the waterway. I could see the expanse of the rippling

ocean.

It's about to get amazing.

Turn it back.

My time was up. I had to turn around and come back. Same time back. What do you

want us to do?

Okay, so we've mainly had a tour of the canal.

We haven't made it to the UNESCO World Heritage Site, but we have seen a lot of

angry canoeists.

And there's the trip back down the canal to enjoy.

She's shutting the locals up.

He's got the broom out for me.

He's going to shoo me away.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Here I am, getting the brush off, as per.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

I think if it had been very relaxing, it might not have been as memorable.

Yeah, she leapt off that boat like a baby deer.

Oh, my God, I've got survivor's euphoria.

Sorry about my attitude. No problem.

Oh, you got off nice and graceful. I crawled off. He hates me.

I've made a really powerful enemy on the water.

My legs are all shaky like a spin claw.

Well, we've worked hard.

A long, long time on the river.

I thought that was all the things. It was chaotic, terrifying and brilliant.

I was like, this is so boring, this waterway. It's full of other canoeists

other boats. Oh, my God, why would anyone do this?

And then right at the end, I was like, oh, my God, it's amazing.

We're in Istanbul, exploring the European side of the city.

And we're starting with an ancient Turkish tradition.

Every country I've ever been to, I go for a fortune teller.

Looking for a new story, you know?

Do you find that they all say the same thing? Pretty much. You're like, I'll

again. I'm going to stumble.

Here we go.

Cheers.

Cheers. Do you like Turkish coffee?

Oh, boy, oh, boy, do I. Why is yours bigger?

Maybe they like me more. I don't know. This is not a good start.

This is an absolutely shocking start to the trip.

So gritty.

Look at my teeth.

Look at my teeth.

That's my future.

I've drunk my future.

Oh, you're going to meet a lovely guy.

And he's going to say, you've got something on your teeth.

Coffee reading is the ancient Turkish art of telling people's fortunes by

looking at the sludge in the bottom of a coffee cup.

Remember, people didn't have the internet for ages.

Hello. Hello.

Lovely to meet you. I'm Roisin.

This is Sarah. Gamze. Gamze. This is Sarah.

Sarah. Local psychic Gamze gets straight down to business.

I've gone to fortune tellers all over the world and normally they sort of show

little bit of interest.

I know.

She didn't try and guess one single thing. She said, if I were sister, and

was it.

Will I ever go to the Nashville Country Music Awards?

What happened?

Is that your dream? As a guest or a performer.

Okay. You should learn to play the guitar.

Can I get it? Get that hat.

She had a nice demeanor, but 50 euros, she's out of her mind.

Fortune teller or superfan? She basically fell in love with me.

Wow.

Oh, my dear. It must be nice.

It's everything for a lovely time.

An absolute lovely time.

Seriously, why is a sludge so much better than my sludge?

We're looking for adventure in Istanbul.

What should we do?

A magic tree that grants wishes.

Onto the itinerary it goes.

Seems like we're all really busying up.

You need a receptionist. I know.

She might be a receptionist.

She's giving them my reading.

My woman area.

Be specific.

Well, I'm guessing the poor reviews are for the...

Constant phone calls.

Messages, WhatsApp, actual calls.

And she's answering halfway through a sentence.

And it could be quite important, like, you've got a huge problem with your

health. Hello?

You were saying I had really good energy?

Sorry. Sorry.

Come on. This is quite personal. Come on.

Right. We know we're not wanted, so we've left Gamsi to it and we're taking

women's parts off on a tour of the worst -reviewed spots on the European side of

the city.

Have the review sites done them wrong?

Well, the internet says that one of the things that tourists do... Yeah?

..in Istanbul...

Is you go to, like, a traditional Turkish barber's. Which is like a male

beautician. Yes.

So, hairy men. Hairy men.

And we are?

Delicate ladies.

After you, my lady.

Thank you, my love.

Hello. Hello.

How are you doing? I'm Roshin.

This is Sarah.

This is Sarah.

Hello. So, this is a traditional Turkish barber?

Yeah. Okay.

I instantly saw the barber and wanted to run away.

The chairs were sellotape together.

I don't know how hygienic it was either.

I've never been in a barber's before. Yeah. Have you?

Yeah.

What?

Why do you look at me and say what?

Oh, you have to pretend we don't need anything done.

This is like a broken chair, a man with a towel sort of going to me, you need

your whole face done.

Got to make out, like, what could you ladies even be here for? But he's like,

what? What?

I'm going to get my nose done. No, it's not. Yeah, what?

I'm going to get it done.

Are you? Yeah, I think I've got a few stragglers.

Okay. There was no... Just no lubing me up. Straight in.

There's no, like, relaxing music playing?

No, it's business.

Magazines? Would you like some tea, madam?

I quite like it. Thank you. Do you?

More business -like. Oh, okay. Okay.

Oh, nice.

Should we have a safe word, though? Works.

Not my lips. No, my lips.

This is not ideal.

I get laser treatment, thank you very much.

I just get a treatment, if that's what we're calling what just happened to me.

So he's got like a little globule on a cotton bud and he's blowing it. This

feels like a really bad choice.

You're very brave.

Don't break my little nose.

Oh, my God. She does have a very small nose, but much smaller than not only

but also normal -sized women.

What have I agreed to? I'm on holiday.

No,

nothing else. Nothing else.

It's not great for the confidence. Oh, I can't watch this now. I can't watch.

Oh, I hope you're okay. Do you need me to hold your hand? Oh, it's really sore.

Wow. It's really sore. Really?

Oh, my God, amazing.

I think it made my nose bigger. Wow. You're not getting wined and dined.

getting the hairs ripped out of your face publicly.

Dogs sort of looking in the window.

No,

I'm all, I'm good. You'll never see me again. Thank you very much.

That's not how I want to get waxed.

Absolutely not.

By someone just dipping, shoving it everywhere.

That's no.

Well, you'll go.

I'm OK, thank you. OK, see you later.

The chairs are set to tape together.

So this is because your fortune teller told you you're lucky.

I'm very lucky that you went first because I don't want to do it. Sarah

me and said, absolutely no way.

I can't, I can't, Rose.

It's bleeding, just that one.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye -bye.

Unbelievable.

It turns out I love my hairy nose. Come on.

It's lunchtime, and how better to show off my beautiful new nostrils than with

trip to Sir Dancy Mehmet, a famous food spot that has definitely got tongues

wagging on the review site.

A lot of these are one stars. People wishing they'd never gone.

You know, really regretting their experience.

Definitely do not try it. There's another one -star review.

You're not the boss of me. I'm trying it.

Pretty busy, isn't it? Smoky. It's like stars in their eyes.

Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be disgusted by the food.

First up, the appetisers.

Come on.

Thank you very much.

So this is a drink of yoghurt and milk and salt.

Mmm.

It's yoghurt with salt.

It's sort of delicious.

Is it? But also mad.

Absolutely bonkers.

Mad, yeah.

Little did I know, this was only starter level mad.

I think it's raw meatballs.

It can't be raw.

I can't. Raw meatballs.

OK, I'm not eating raw meatballs.

You've got meatballs.

And then you say, what if we don't cook them?

Not more.

No, no, no, we're good.

They've misinterpreted you saying raw meatballs bring more... There's some

absolute meals going around this restaurant. I just saw sausages that are

20 long fingers.

They're awful.

It's awful.

It's not sausages.

It's all innards.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's really good. And he does look a lot of fun, this guy. He's very fine with

stuff. What's that? What's happening? What's happening?

No, no, no. Then there was another mystery -looking yoghurt.

I thought, well, this is more yoghurt, wasn't it?

Not yoghurt. Not yoghurt?

What? Not yoghurt.

What's happened?

Meat. Meat happened.

Meat in a white sauce?

I just wasn't expecting it. White liquid meat? It was yoghurt texture with

stew flavour.

And my brain said, sexy.

That bread's very lovely.

This is lovely, really, really tasty.

Onions and tomatoes. Now they're all, like, undisguised. I feel like this

be cereal.

Oh, yeah, like that show, like, Is It Cake?

Is It Yoghurt?

Yeah,

game shows don't make the best dining experiences.

We beat a hasty retreat before any more mystery foods came out.

And luckily, I've got the perfect non -growth pampering session lined up.

Leaks is...

It's something that you can't get in very many places in the world.

Turkey might be known for its medical services, but these little guys are less

popular.

Ding, ding, ding.

Is there a bell or something?

Oh, sorry.

Hello.

So we entered the clinic full of hope and interest, actually.

You hear a lot about proper medicine. You don't hear a lot about bloodletting

anymore.

I decided there and then I will never say the word leech again.

Unfortunately, it was time to get leeched.

So I thought about it.

It felt really great, actually, because I knew I wasn't going to get the

leeches.

She wishes.

Oh,

are you a doctor?

I don't know that he is a real doctor.

He could just be a man. He popped out of nowhere.

He said, leech a few times.

Fortune teller told me that in a few months' time, I'm going to have problems

with my woman's areas.

So it would be great if it would be prepped.

Great.

Istanbul is actually a hotspot for leech therapy. The practice boomed during the

so -called leech craze in the 19th century and is relatively common to this

Leeches are said to improve blood flow and are used to treat everything from

cardiovascular diseases to, if you're brave enough, hemorrhoids. Good God.

It's going to be a leech in a second.

Because I'm a vegan and I don't eat animals, I do feel this is a bit like

Giving them something back. You take my blood for a change.

Yeah, stick another one on.

Oh, God, this one looks more aggressive.

I don't know if it's worth to watch it happening. That one's just getting

bigger. It was supposed to be. They're feeding on me, Roche. They're going to

the size of a garden slug by the end, hopefully.

I don't think they are feeding on you. You think they're turning their nose up

because they don't eat any protein?

I think there's not enough of it. They're just mating.

I found the leech is on.

They look like they were mating on her.

So it's kind of, I'll be honest, erotic.

I can feel teeth in my skin. There's definitely something happening.

Oh, now he's in. Now he's in. It's a very strange sensation.

Because it's not not a sensation.

You can feel something. So you can feel little prickles. And then I think it's

like a massive mosquito.

There's a free one. There's one more.

There's a loose leech.

Loose leech. There's two loose leeches.

What's this guy doing in this place?

Just a couple got away.

And I thought, this is exciting stuff.

I haven't seen it.

Let me up people's legs. Guys, watch out for leeches.

All those certificates, you're not keeping an eye on them, are you?

My review of this clinic is two leeches out of five.

It's our third day in Istanbul, and back at Transplant Towers, we've managed to

make a friend.

So we're staying in a hotel where you can't swing a cat without hitting a guy

who's had a hair transplant.

So today, we've ensnared one, Chris, and we're going to follow him and, you

know, watch him have it done.

I'm heading over to Vera Clinic today to get my consultation for my second hair

transplant. Oh, really? You're American?

Yes, I'm from the USA. I flew out of Boston just yesterday.

You came all the way to Turkey.

I did, I did.

I'm super excited.

Do you mind if we come?

Let's do it.

Why did you come to Turkey for a hair transplant?

In the States, it's extremely expensive to get a hair transplant. How much?

Around 20 to 30K for this operation, and in Turkey, it's around 5K.

Wow. Yeah, and it's the exact same operation. It takes about eight hours

whole operation.

You're awake the whole time. What do you do for eight hours?

They have a TV playing with some stuff, but usually it's... you know, in a

different language, to be honest.

It makes you watch Turkish films for eight hours. Yeah, a little bit. It

me sad that some people really want hair and I've got so much that I don't want.

The world's not fair.

That's what I said. I said that to everybody. I'm like, I got hair

where I don't want hair.

But I didn't have any on my head.

Chris has shared his hair regrowth journey on his TikTok account, which has

of thousands of followers.

Go on, Chris.

And this is his second hair transplant.

Very brave, considering what the procedure involves.

A surgeon individually extracting thousands of follicles from the lower

and then implanting them in the required area.

Like a French exchange, only permanent.

But what is it actually like in one of these places?

Oh, swanky.

It's a bit like being at the vet, you know, when all the animals are in their

cones. There are a lot of very sore heads.

You brought a friend, didn't you? I did, yes.

So it is like a proper holiday because you've got a friend with you. Exactly,

exactly, because we get to have a good time and go to some tourist attractions

like we did yesterday. We went to the, I believe it's called the Sofia or

something like that. Oh, yes, Sofia.

Yeah, yeah, and we went to a nice restaurant, had dinner outside. It was

awesome. I guess I'm getting a bit of a taste of what it's like for people to

come here because it's partly a holiday, 20%, 80 % medical procedure.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too, if you're ready. So I'll take you to

that beautiful place, for example.

Good luck, Chris. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. I'll see you guys soon,

right? See you in a bit.

And while Chris gets ready, we've got just enough time to check out the

cabaret area.

Sarah, there's a piano to let you know you're on holiday.

Come on.

Join me.

Join me at the table. I'm going to stand here. Are you going to sing?

Do you know I need a hair -o?

Getting your hair...

I learned I had real music abilities to soothe.

It's beautiful.

I felt all of their tension leave their body when they heard my tune.

A lot of men have just stopped crying.

Not only is there a piano, we found a nice coffee bar in this clinic.

We are on holiday.

Hello. How are you doing?

We've got some iced coffee. Oh, there you go.

A little juice for the day, right? We can play you some music.

Oh, okay. On the piano.

Oh, you did?

So now they're about to take some blood from me, and I'm going to be getting the

stem cell treatment. Here, have your blood taken now. Don't let us stop you.

We're just here on holiday watching.

Before they start doing the hair transplant, you have to be completely

It's like backwards to go forwards.

Never done it before, Chris. You can do my legs afterwards.

You're lucky this isn't a Turkish barber, they'll be straight up your

We shaved him because it needed to be done.

I'm breaking ground.

I'm coming in, Chris. I'd go on holiday just to do this.

To shave the heads of strangers.

Book me up.

It's a bit like a petting zoo, but you get to shave a man.

It's very stress -relieving, shaving a human being. I had no idea.

I now think there should be sort of like sanctuaries for busy businesswomen like

myself. Get given a razor and a kid, you know, just a student. He can't afford a

hairdresser. I need to unwind. This is get me on Dragon's Den.

And does it feel emotional seeing yourself like this? It definitely is a

feeling.

Does it feel emotional?

Does it feel emotional? Let me just blow the rest out. Are you having any sort

of existential... The time has come to leave Chris to his hairy destiny, an

eight hours of Turkish telly.

Oh, this is where we leave you.

It's go time.

It's now time for the operation. Nice to meet you guys, seriously.

Good luck with the stem cell. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. It was

lovely to meet you. Thank you for the haircut. I feel very fresh.

It's life -changing if you're a 22 -year -old.

and you're really depressed and feeling sad about going bald, it seems like it's

a proper establishment. It's not like he's going to wake up and he's got like

wig stapled on or like tufts of hair or a tail or something, you know, which I'm

sure some places won't be reputable.

And no doubt, Chris's transplant will be a complete success thanks to our expert

shaving. It's like painting and decorating.

90 % of it's in the prep.

And as a reward for our hard work, we're off for a treatment that's a bit more

our speed, a Turkish classic.

Where are we going, Sarah?

Traditional Turkish hamam, which is like, I think like a day spa.

Okay. But it's the kind of thing people do in Turkey.

And people love this kind of stuff, don't they? So it must be really

Two massages, please.

20 euros is very cheap.

That's the thing, isn't it, with cheap? There's good cheap and there's

dangerously cheap. It's still dangerous.

This is what I imagine a really nice women's prison would look like.

I think it evolved because there was

one slab, and so we did Sarah.

I thought about a cuck chair to watch my friend get lathered up.

There's no way to watch this and not look like a pervert.

Well, Roisin's role in the spa as a watcher...

I think unnerved us all.

Do you like watching?

You rub her down. What's happening?

It's more the unknown.

Oh, it's a lot of suds.

That is a lot of suds straight off the bat. No messing.

It's a lovely

lady. Tickled me to death with the biggest sponge I've ever seen.

And it kept slapping me like I'd done something wrong.

Here we go. Now we're clicking on Jan. It was really fun to watch Sarah keep

trying to close her eyes and then going like that.

That was my favourite bit.

What?

Go on.

Because I think it's funny.

There's something about watching someone really purposely try to relax that

brings out in me something of, like, not on my watch.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I have to get Sarah now.

I'm so sorry. I'll do it to me. I'll do it to me.

I'll do it to me. Forgive.

I'll do it to me.

She looked more confused by me chucking it over myself in my gown.

She was like, what is happening? What game is this?

I think that's our cue to leave.

It's the last day of our Zero Stars experience in Istanbul, and we can deny

destiny no longer.

Gamzee, the phone -addicted fortune teller, has told us we must visit a

mystical island.

So we're boarding the mystical ferry to meet our fate.

So the island we're going to doesn't have any cars.

So what you have is bike, but you cycle and you go to the monastery, which has

got that witching tree.

The fortune teller.

Who loves you. My friend.

Your best friend.

She foretold you would make a wish. And it's a place loads of people go to to

make a special wish.

Like pilgrims. Yeah. Like wish pilgrims.

Would you like some reviews of this boat trip?

Sure thing. This is one star horrible experience.

After a disappointing day on the boat, we were unexpectedly forced to attend a

fashion show.

We're heading back to the bus.

None of us are informed about this.

They tried to sell us leather coats.

It's an outrage.

I mean, that's a show.

I hope we get made to go to a fashion show. Let's put one on with these guys.

We've arrived at Büyükada, which in Turkish means Big Island.

Such a poetic language.

I'm looking out for bike.

Wherever I can see them.

I'm looking out for love. That man's offering you some, um, doughnut. I'll

it. Oh, my God. I won't say no. Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm making a cooking programme now.

It's really good.

Sarah. I don't take food off strange men.

I'm not a strange man, I'm a friend. No, there he is. Come on, we've got bikes.

It's really good.

What's her name?

Roisin.

Roisin!

Welcome to Big Island.

Thank you. That was a very big voice for Big Island.

Hello, ladies.

How are you, ladies?

Oh, she's got... It's an old woman.

It's an old woman.

I'll eat the breast.

I'm not getting one.

I don't want to be insulted in ice cream.

I'm not insulted.

I had enough of that at the waxing studio.

What flavour is that blue one?

Breast milk.

I like these bikes because they've got flowers on the front.

We're hiring bikes to take us to Big Island's big tourist attraction, a

monastery where you can make a wish on a mystical wishing tree.

That was broken. Well used, I'd say.

Experience, right?

We are here now. Follow the lines. You go from here to the top. OK. And come

back. So it's a half an hour cycle, nice 20 -minute walk. Yeah. Make a wish.

That's a nice day out.

Sure. Oh, OK.

Go and come back. What? OK, there and back.

Let's pour. The wish.

Think of your wish.

Listen, before the ice cream, I was struggling with the idea there.

We set off.

Our basket full of flowers, our heart full of wishes.

Sorry,

I'm driving on the wrong side of the road.

It was humbling because Pasco flew up the hill.

This is just sort of a low -level hill and I'm already struggling.

I don't know how much further I've got to go up.

That's me done.

You're sold the idea of a bike. You think, well, it must be a really nice

bicycle route. It's not.

Oh, it's so steep.

There we go.

Oh, I broke it. I'm becoming a danger.

Oh, God.

We should be like, one, two, three.

Ah, what have I done to it?

Take it and hide it in a hedge.

Oh, no. There's only seven and a half kilometres to go.

Oh, no.

It's a vertical road to the monastery.

Vertical. This is like last of the summer wine.

We decided to walk our piles of scrap metal up the hill. Can't you see my

are already coming true?

It's just more hills, Sarah.

It's an insane way to travel. You're basically just bringing luggage.

I'm going to make a wish.

No more hills.

As the saying goes, when you're going through tough times, remember that

difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. Not always.

Oh, wow.

This view's beautiful. Look at this side. This side is really upsetting.

It's really beautiful. And then just those are bins. Oh, my God, though.

got a mattress up here, Sarah.

OK, we've picked the secret stained mattress off our list, but where is the

magic wishing tree?

That little one.

That's the one from the picture. This one feels like the main one.

There's lots of little ribbons and bows.

They're not ribbons.

These are bounty wrappers.

Your favourite? Have you been here before?

But look, Sarah. They're not bounty wrappers.

They're just junk.

Whether it was the spirits at work or heat exhaustion, we were grateful to

reached the ancient bin bag tree.

We made it. We did.

We did. Thank you, God.

So the wishing tree, the small wishing tree covered in rubbish.

Amazing that we're now going to get our wishes to come true. Did you bring

anything?

Alas, we'd forgotten to bring our magic bin bag, so we had to make do.

I've got a tampon.

Tampon? Yeah.

I've got a little bit of ribbon.

Yeah, pretty.

This has got, like, a string, which is why I thought it would be perfect.

Wishing, we're doing wishing.

Wishing on the tree.

I feel bad about tying the tampon, and that's disrespectful.

That's a Rutherford in me. You can't take me on holiday.

Do you know what I'm wishing for? What?

I should have got my nose waxed. I've regretted it for days.

Yeah, I can smell a lot, actually.

But I'm going to do my wish now.

I'm really putting my whole spirit into it.

Wishing, wishing, wishing on the tree.

Thank you, tree.

Thank you.

Would you like to hear some of the bad reviews of this place? Bad reviews?

What's not to like?

It won't surprise you that a lot of them are about the hill. It is very tiring.

Walking is like death.

Someone's written. These are my people.

Then with a comma and nothing else. So maybe they died halfway through the

sentence, sadly.

Let's see what else we've got.

Don't go up the hill. Don't go up the hill.

Don't go up the hill, everyone's saying.

Too late for us.

Can we have a look in the monastery?

I don't think so. We're not monks. Is that real?

Yeah. So this is it.

What?

This is the... This is it. No, no, no.

Don't go in the monastery.

But there's a church.

You don't go in it. It's not for us.

Why not?

It's this.

People walk up here just for this tree, Roche. Come off it. You brought me up

here. I knew you didn't understand. You said the word monastery so many times.

It's because it's the tree at the monastery.

But we could have gone the tree at the road.

The monastery's got nothing to do with the tree.

I'm having... What do you mean? You can't go in it and light a candle, even.

cannot invite people up to a tree.

Sarah, get the reviews up. We've got to stop.

I've got something to say.

We've come to Turkey hoping to feel like new people, and I've discovered a lot

about myself.

I found out that I love shaving men, that canal boating is not for me, and

I could be a sex therapist for leeches.

I would have wished more ambitiously if I knew they were all going to become

true. I give this bit three and a half stars out of five.

Apart from the non -monastery, I've had a good time. I got to watch Sarah get

slapped about and I was able to smell her fear all the better thanks to a very

no -nonsense barber.

It's a solid four out of five for me.

Sarah. Yeah. Do you know what it is now?

Yeah. Downhill. Yeah. It's all downhill from here, as they say.

And that is pleasure.