Original subtitles

[Whimsical music]

[Miranda] And then I said to her,

"Well, if you haven't read Keats,

"then I don't think we're having tea together.

"I mean, what on earth would we talk about?" [Laughs]

Ow! Isabel, stop.

Keep going.

Oh, there you are!

[Whispers] Eating. Again.

Do you remember Virginia Larkin from next door?

She's been away at finishing school.

And look, I'm finished.

You're wearing pants.

Mmm. Er, easier to ride in.

Yes!

Yes, it's all very modern and...odd.

But Virginia comes bearing wonderful news.

Her brother Roland has requested your hand in marriage.

And which one is he again?

The gimpy leg or the redhead?

Miranda!

[Chuckles] Neither.

He's the one that's too good for you.

[Mother laughs] Please excuse my daughter, Virginia.

Roland is an extraordinary young man.

He's a pillar of the community.

He's socially upstanding with exceptional morals.

He's rich. We're rich.

And why isn't he asking me himself?

Because he's at the Somme, fighting for our country.

With the gimpy one and the redhead.

You'll be married as soon as he returns.

Roll wanted me to give you this.

Oh!

[Chuckles]

Oh!

Oh!

The Larkins are a wonderful family, darling.

When you marry, our estates will combine

and we'll practically own this town.

It's everything your father and I could have wanted.

[Kate] Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

-Are you OK? -[Gasps] What?

-Are you proposing? -No.

Nooo!

Wait, did Mum give you her blessing?

What about the aunties?

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I had to promise a whole heap of foot rubs,

but, you know, everyone's on board, so...

So how about it?

You call that a proposal?

Yeah. Yeah, that wasn't quite what I was expecting.

At least it was timely.

I didn't get the offer till I was pregnant - with me third!

Y... You found the ring.

Oh.

Did the ghosts tell you?

No! No. No, but it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because the proposal's the funnest part.

Aye, even when I was down on me hunkers

in a mess of me own making,

being finally asked a question by a man

was a true highlight of me life.

I mean, I was planning a big romantic gesture,

but you...you found the ring!

Yeah. That doesn't matter. You can just do it again.

And just make it, like, super soppy, super cringe.

Yes! Yes! Oh! Love you so much.

Great, great, great.

Oh, but you can obviously, like, take your time

'cause you hit your head.

So, like, you know, take your time.

But not too long, you know?

[Whispers] Oh, dear.

[Theme music]

[Electricity crackles]

# Honey, I just wanna love you... #

[Sean] Oh, my God.

Are you serious?

-# I just... # -[Clicks]

# I won't hesita... #

[Lindy squeals] I'm just so excited for them both!

I never got married myself,

but my boyfriend, Dale, said that his weddings

were the best three days of his life.

[Gideon] Now, now. Let's not get carried away.

Sean is simply conducting an entirely predictable land grab.

[Joon] Yeah, I think Kate deserves better.

Like a gold-digger from China.

And dead.

Lord almighty, it's always the same with ye!

You find out a girleen is spoken for

and you're in there making a mess of things.

Huh?

What she's saying is

you're only interested in married women.

-I don't think that's true. -Yes, it is.

-Anastasia, the socialite. -Yeah...

Mildred, the scullery maid.

Convicts 4 and 5.

[Sean] Oh, yeah. Hey, mate. Hey, it's Sean from Ramshead here.

Yeah, we got another blockage in the toilet.

Sunshine, the cult leader's wife.

Me.

Wait, you're married?

Not again! Put it away, mate.

Kate's not interested.

Look, we can all agree Sean's not perfect,

but he's like a servo sausage roll.

At the end of the day, he's cheap and he fills a hole.

[Gideon] And Joon is like opium to women.

Addictive, hypnotic, and, well, stops diarrhoea.

-Thank you. -I've seen it.

-I've seen all of it. -Yeah, me too.

Can you put your leg down?

[Lindy] What we're saying is

please don't try it on with Kate for all our sakes.

OK, guys.

I won't try.

[Speaks Chinese]

What was that?

What did you say? What did you say?

He said something.

What did he say?

No, he said, 'Mormon tie'.

[Calls] Soon-to-be fiance, I'm home!

Hey.

Hey!

Hey.

-What is this about? -Nothing.

I'm definitely not trying anything.

Oh, my God.

This is it, isn't it?

My thigh? Yeah, it is.

[Pants]

It's a proposal scavenger hunt.

Ohh! Oh, my God! [Laughs]

What?

Oh, my God!

OK. OK, don't cry.

Don't cry. You just got a lash tint. OK.

Oh, can you... What are you doing?

I thought you might have missed it, so in case you...

[Heaves and wheezes]

But my...my thigh!

[Toilet flushes]

Hi!

Hey!

Hey! Oh, you've had a blowout!

And a bit of threading.

-Yeah. -[Sean] Oh!

You really know your beauty treatments.

Yeah, new misso, she's really into her self-care.

Spendy habit.

Yeah, well, Uncle Alfred

put a whole bunch of stuff down the toilet.

-Right. -[Lewis] Incontinence pads.

-[Sean] Mmm. -There's a lot of them.

-We sorted it, though. -Yeah, we did.

Yeah, cheers, mate.

[Chuckles] Sean, why the signs?

Mmm! For Lewis.

I was on a standup and you were out getting...paint.

Oh, and your nails.

Yeah.

-[Laughs] Yeah. -[Miranda] Oh!

[Miranda tuts]

You thought he was going to propose, didn't you?

[Tuts]

Oh, yes.

We watched that picture last week.

Sick Scottish brain tumour man

creates scavenger trail for sad, tragic wife.

What was it called again?

-Yes, it's 'P.S. I Love You'. -Yes.

Oh, OK. Here we go again.

[Kate] Sorry, Lewis. No, no.

It's just the perfectly romantic

handwritten treasure hunt signs were for you.

Look, I'm flattered, guys. Really, I am.

But Lucinda's not really into the group thing.

I'm trying to be a better man.

-Look. -Oh...

-Love the one you're with. -Yep.

-That's a bummer though, really. -Yes, it's a shame.

Because I love to do the group stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

People do ridiculous things

when they're in love.

[Chuckles] Not me, personally.

"Dear Roland, we've had lovely spring weather here at Ramshead.

"The flowers are budding..."

[Virginia] Ugh, no!

But you told me to tell him of what's been happening.

I meant with you, not the farm.

The only buds he wants to hear about are yours.

-Virginia! -How they heave for him.

I beg your pardon!

"Dear Roland,

"I cannot wait for you to roll in my...grassy thicket."

-[Squeals] -[Laughs]

[Mother] Girls! Why all the racket?

You'll scare off the eastern brown snakes.

I made you some special Anzac biscuits.

-Thank you, Mama. -Thank you, Mrs Munchen.

Miranda was just trying to perk up Roland's...spirits.

Well, be sure to mention our new water closet.

[Miranda] Oh, yes, Mother,

I'll be sure to wax lyrical about our new sewage system.

We're the first in the town to have one.

Yet another reason to marry you.

[Chuckles]

[Uplifting music]

[Clears throat]

Well, go on.

"Oh, Roland,

"my...my black hole is ready for your love rocket.

"Come plunder my planetary rings!"

You'll have to mention Uranus if you're talking about planets.

Virginia!

[Both laugh]

[Sandy] What happened to the Danny Zuko I met at the beach?

[Danny] I do not know. I mean, maybe...

[Chuckles] Maybe there's two of us, right?

Why...why don't you take out a missing persons ad?

Or...try the Yellow Pages. I don't know.

Didn't Danny and Sandy

experience all that summer lovin'

a-walla-walla-walla-oomph?

Why's he being so mean to her now?

Joon, we have watched this film dozens of times now.

Mate, it's simple. You treat her mean, keep her keen.

Dale did it to me all the time.

He used to say Mum was hotter than me.

Just to make me jealous.

Didn't he marry her?

Yes. Joon, you don't get it.

Modern women are complicated.

Our self-esteem needs to be fully broken

before we offer ourselves up as mistresses.

Treat her mean...

..keep her keen.

[Playful music]

Your calligraphy is terrible.

Oh, no!

Your plumbing's ineffective.

Your tiles are upside down.

No, they're not.

[Imitates Kate] "No, they're not."

Your voice is annoying.

Hmm! So...

Two weeks and still no proposal. [Chuckles]

I'm not worried.

Are you worried? Like, I'm not.

Then I'm like, "Oh, are you?"

'Cause... Ah! [Laughs]

I've become worried.

There's nothing to be worried about.

He's obviously just completely forgot.

I'm sure he hasn't forgotten.

Yeah, and even if he has, I mean, it's fine.

Dale used to forget stuff all the time,

like my birthday, how much money he owed me, our safe word...

-Hey, you ready to get excited? -[Lindy gasps]

[Kate] Oh! [Chuckles]

Hey!

OK, that is definitely 12 long-stem roses.

It's happening! Get ready, everyone.

No, it's a rifle. This is the land grab I was worried about.

Arm yourself, Catherine!

Get it? You know, it's for fishing. [Laughs]

-[Lindy laughs sadly] -Look at that.

-Seriously? -Yeah.

This is your priority?

Yeah, you know, we're embracing country living.

What about the other thing on the list, Sean?

Proposal?

Oh, you're so needy.

That's not how it works.

Just because I bought the ring, doesn't mean

I'm, like, instantly gonna pull the trigger.

Pull the trigger? The rod is a decoy.

The rifle's in the box.

[Kate] But you said you were gonna do

something big and romantic.

Yep, mm-hm. And I will, when I'm ready.

But that's the problem -

when are you ever gonna be ready, Sean?

You weren't ready to move in with me

until I went and got a loan.

You weren't ready to live here until I almost died.

OK, you know what, Kate?

You are the most...

..impatient person I have ever met.

You never let me make a decision about anything.

It's always just done

before I have a chance even to think about it, OK?

So just, you know...back off.

[Gideon] Catherine, the line in the sand has been drawn.

War has begun.

Run.

[Gentle music]

-[Klaxon gurgles] -Hello, Ramshead!

[Women laugh]

[Klaxon gurgles]

[Miranda] You were quite the flapper tonight!

Dancing away with the Admiral,

flipping your hair.

And what about you with the Captain?

-Twirling. -Whirling.

Hurling.

[Both giggle]

I think there's something going on between those two.

Absolutely not. They're just gay!

And who wouldn't be gay now that the war is over?

Aye, surely.

[Miranda] Well, perhaps there'll be another Peace Ball.

-Ooh! Yes. -One in the city, maybe.

[Mother] No, no, no. Absolutely not.

You've been risky enough,

what with all the borders closing.

Don't be such a bore, Mummy.

You've read the papers.

Only servants and soldiers can get the flu.

You're lucky at least one soldier has remained flu-free.

Roland is coming out of quarantine tomorrow.

He is?

That's...

..wonderful.

You'll be married as soon as we can arrange everything.

Now, get to bed.

[Sighs]

You're terrible at getting engaged.

Oh, why are you being so awful to me?

It's called treat her mean, keep her keen,

a-walla-walla-walla-oomph.

I'm doing it because...

..because I love you.

What?

Since when?

Since the moment I laid eyes on you.

Very recently.

But that doesn't make it any less meaningful.

Joon, what am I supposed to do with this information?

Don't marry Sean.

Somehow die tragically so you can be with me.

[Mutters] My God.

Otherwise we can't do stuff.

And Gideon says you love doing stuff.

And I...I love doing stuff.

Well, you might be in luck.

I mean,

why would Sean want to spend his life with me anyway?

I basically bullied him into staying here

and running a business that he has nil interest in running.

Yeah!

Let's face it - we're incompatible.

Wait.

Does this mean you don't wanna marry Sean?

He's sweet and thoughtful.

And I'm impatient and annoying.

And...I can see ghosts and he can't.

And they are really nice thighs.

Uh...um...

You know, this is moving a little bit fast for me.

You know, now that I'm thinking about it,

we're better off as...as friends.

-[Sighs] -It's not you.

It's me.

Uh...we're just on two different life paths.

You're on one and I'm not.

-Yeah. -Uh...

Ohh!

-Ohhhh! -Oh.

Oh, I'm being sucked off!

Oh, this is... Oh, this is it!

I-I...oh!

[Laughs]

-# If I... # -Ugh, seriously?

# Can't help

# Falling in love... #

[Gideon] Oh, these people!

For the first time, I understand what embarrassment feels like.

[Pants]

Eileen, you were right!

I am only attracted to married women.

Well! Only took you 150 years.

And that treat her mean, keep her keen

a-walla-walla-walla-oomph

works really well.

Tell me about it, stud.

[Satan] Dude, we told you not to go there!

I didn't go anywhere!

I was right here, flirting with Kate.

And now she's saying that she and Sean are incom...

..incompa-ta-to-to.

[Gideon] I think you mean 'infertile'.

And I'm here to tell you that it doesn't make you any less manly.

She means 'incompatible'.

As in, unable to be happy together.

You know what happens if they break up, don't ya?

Yeah, she dies of sadness, becomes a ghost

and I get a girlfriend for all eternity.

[Roars]

[Gentle music]

Hey, guys, is that you?

[Eileen] Aye.

Uh, hey, it's me, Sean.

I mean, obviously you can see me. Um...

So I've been watching hundreds of

these soppy, cringy proposal videos

with these huge families

just singing and dancing their hearts out.

But I mean, you know Kate and her mum - they're like this.

And my dad died when I was 18 and my mum's...

..away on a self-discovery shopping trip in Nepal.

And...and we talk to our friends

much less than we talk to you guys.

Kate deserves cringy.

And Kate deserves soppy.

And I have kind of half an idea.

Will you guys help me?

-Yes! -[Gideon] Yes, I suppose.

Yes, please.

Um, um...

Just, uh...

Yeah, uh, just type.

-Satan! Satan. -[Satan growls]

-[Eileen] You can do it. -[Gideon] Go on, man. Yeah.

[Roars]

[Click!]

[Warm music]

Yes, that's excellent. Next.

[Satan roars]

[Click!]

One more, man. You can do it.

Pat Rafter!

[Click!]

Yed? What is Yed?

[Satan] I'll fix it.

Eileen, you're reading!

I read 'yed'?

[Click!]

[Roars]

[Click!]

-Yes! -Yes, yes, yes!

Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. Um...

[Eileen] Yes, yes.

Ooh! Oh!

Bravo!

Oh.

[Lindy squeaks and chuckles]

[Miranda sighs]

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Yes.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm getting sick of trying on dresses.

[Both laugh]

-[Coughs] -Sorry, too tight?

No, no.

It's, um...

I'm just...scared.

Of getting married?

I don't know Roland from a bar of Velvet.

What if my buds don't, you know...

..heave for him?

[Laughs] You will.

All that physical stuff will come naturally

when you get to know each other.

There's not going to be time, Virginia.

And he's going to expect things.

Oh, relax.

You just need a bit of practice.

Like...like this.

[Warm music]

[Squeaks and giggles]

OK, now I really can't breathe.

[Sighs] Me too. [Laughs]

You have no idea how lucky you are, do you?

You spoiled, ungrateful brat.

Oh!

You get to live with your best friend,

play with him every day, love him.

Are you crying?

But he could get sick.

Did you know that?

He could die tomorrow and you're just...

You're just here eating jam sandwiches, wasting time.

I didn't realise that you and Roland were so close.

We were opposites, but she was the love of my life.

And I'll always regret never telling...

..never telling him.

[Coughs]

I need to see her. I need to see her. Stop, stop.

Fix it later. I need to see Virginia.

Don't just stand there. Go and get my coat!

Miranda! Miranda, please. You must conserve your energy.

It's my fault that she's sick, Mummy. I have to...

-I have to apologise. -Well, you can't.

I need to talk to her.

I need to talk to her before the wedding.

-I need to talk to her. -You can't. You can't.

I can't do this without her.

The wedding's been cancelled.

Virginia took a turn in the night.

What?

She's gone.

No.

No, no.

[Sobs]

So tell him.

Tell him.

You're right.

You're totally right.

And we're nearly there.

And five, six, seven, eight. Final pose!

Oh! That's so great, guys.

You've come such a long way!

That feels good. That's in a good place.

I like that.

But how in the blazes

are we gonna get Kate down to the river

without causin' suspicion?

Listen, I know it's really tricky,

but we're just gonna be super subtle

and come up with a really convincing reason.

Guys, have you seen Sean?

-Uh... -Sean? Which Sean?

-He's at the river. -Why?

A really convincing reason.

-[Satan] Oh, Joon... -[Kate] Cool.

Well, just so you all know, I'm gonna go propose.

So if you wanna come...

-No, don't do that! -You can't do that.

Yeah, you can't because the patriarchy...

-Aye! -Ohh!

Well, I'm Blak and we're a matriarchy, so who's coming?

-Oh! -No, don't.

-Don't. -[Lindy squeaks]

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

I'm gonna brush my teeth real quick. Hang on.

[Kate] Sean! Sean, I need to ask you something.

[Sean] Shh! You'll disturb the fish.

Seriously, turn around.

You turn around.

[Miranda] I missed the last rehearsal.

-I don't know what to do. -[Lindy] Like in jazzercise.

Like how we practise in jazzercise!

[Sings] # I've got chills, they're multiplying

[Rasps] # And I'm losing control

# 'Cause the power you're supplying... #

It's electrifying.

[All sing] # Bum, ba-bum, ba-bum... #

Are they doing it yet?

They're doing something.

# Bum, ba-bum, ba-bum

# You better shape up

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# 'Cause she needs a man

[Lindy] # Needs a man

# And my heart isn't set on you... #

[Kate laughs]

# I shall shape up

[Powerfully] # And I shall understand

# To his heart he must be true

# Say yes, say yes, oh, yes, I do

# You're the one that I want, you are the one I want

# Ooh-ooh-ooh... #

-Kate! -Catherine!

# The one that I want, you are the one I want

-# Ooh-ooh-ooh... # -Kate!

# The one that I want, you are the one I want

-# Ooh-ooh-ooh... # -Kate!

# The one that I want, you are the one I want

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

[Lindy] # Go, Seanie! #

Argh! It's a big one.

You said you wanted it to be cringe.

Kate.

It was right here that you fell in love with this place

and you decided to stay for good.

And so...it feels only right...

..to ask you here...

..if you wanna stay with me for good.

[Laughs]

Because you've got a whole lot of soulmates these days.

But you're my one and only.

So, Kate,

one question.

-Is this soppy enough? -[Both laugh]

Say yed!

Yed? What is yed?

Oh, that's just a little in-joke

between me and the ghosties.

Thanks, guys.

[Kate laughs]

Yed, yed! A thousand times, yed.

[All cheer]

Oh, it's the wrong hand. It's the wrong hand. The other one.

[Splash!]

-Oh, God. -Oh...oh...

No, no, don't get in! No, no! You'll make the water cloudy.

[Kate] Oh! Oh, my God.

No, I think I can see it.

[Joon] That's my gold!

[Laughs]