Original subtitles

['Physical' by Olivia Newton-John]

# I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like

# Make a good conversation

# I gotta handle you just right

# You know what I mean

# Let's get physical, physical

# I wanna get physical

# Let's get into physical

# Let me hear your body talk

# Your body talk

# Let me hear your body talk

# Let's get physical, physical

# I wanna get physical... # [Echoes and fades]

-[Wind whistles] -[Curious music]

Hello?

It's just me - Lindy Darwin-Paul.

[Nervously] Always happy to make a new friend.

-[Giggles] -[Trigger creaks]

[Gasps]

G'day, darlin'.

Your money or your life?

Cripes! You're Ned Kelly.

[Theme music]

[Electricity crackles]

[Miranda] Precious oxygen rushing from the chamber.

Mirondo rounded on her five unlikely companions.

Slow down. I can't type that fast.

[Miranda] They were terrified. Jibbering.

Their scaly visages streaked with purple discharge.

[Kate types]

Oh, uh, hey, how's the masterpiece coming along?

-Can I read it yet? -[Miranda] No.

Uh, not just...not just yet.

It's a first draft. It's not ready yet.

It... You wouldn't understand it anyway.

No, no, no. No!

Who are you to judge me?

Just want any help with, uh... with it at all

from a fellow sci-fi aficionado?

-No, don't. -Not right now, no.

And it's not sci-fi.

Why must you modern Australians abbreviate everything?

It's scientifiction.

Now, where were we?

Are you reading those again?

Hmm?

Uh, 'Foundation'. Uh...

Yep, yep.

Just...a stone-cold classic. [Chuckles]

-Read them all the time. -[Phone beeps]

[Sighs] Until my novel makes that 'Foundation'

look very shaky indeed.

[Laughs] That's why you're a writer.

Thank you, Kate.

[Kate chuckles]

Are you OK? Who's that?

Uh, oh, nothing.

Just...it's...just...spam.

Ha! Uh... Yeah. Yeah.

[Kate] Anyway, I wouldn't let the other ghosts

read your novel when it's ready.

[Scoffs] Well, half of them are illiterate,

and the other half,

well, you've got more culture

growing between your toes.

Oh, gross.

But why? Do you think they won't like it?

I just think the metaphor's pretty obvious, Miranda,

don't you?

Your android hero, Mirondo,

is stuck in a spaceship with five useless aliens,

and you're stuck with how many ghosts?

Five.

-Four or something. -Mm.

-[Whispers] One, two, three... -Mm.

There's...six?

-Five. -I haven't counted.

I don't see the connection.

Hm. So Shlindi was dancing...

Yes, so Shlindi was dancing or popping up and down

in her pink and purple spacesuit as usual, begging for attention.

[Ned] Let me take you all the way back to 1880.

There's me in the belly of the Melbourne Gaol,

staring at me own corpse,

swinging from the hangman's noose.

How horrible.

Did you wee yourself? I've heard you wee yourself...

I'd become a ghost, an apparition.

You're not finished.

[Ned] But me torments

were only just beginning.

I was surrounded by a horde of ghost troopers,

all the filthy coppers I'd shot,

and I've been on the run ever since.

That sounds so lonely.

[Ned] It can be.

And hot.

-[Ned] Mm. -And lonely.

Sometimes, darling, but it doesn't have to be.

With a beautiful sheila by my side,

me burden would be a little lighter.

[Lindy chuckles]

And your guns, do they go off?

[Ned] No, out of ammo. I shot my load.

That's OK. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Happens to lots of guys.

Do you want to come back to the house and meet everyone

and maybe, like, see my room or something?

Nah, I'm a bushranger, darling. I've got people to rob.

Oh, OK.

Oop. [Chuckles awkwardly]

Well, then maybe I could stay here

and we could get to know each other a little better.

[Ned] Well, I do have a lot more to tell you about myself.

And I have so many secrets to tell you about.

-If you could please sit down. -Sit down and listen.

[Ned] Yeah, my life was short,

but my life story was surprisingly long.

[Wistful whistling]

Uh... Uh... [Laughs]

Oh, Mirondo, you are very droll.

[Sean idly flaps lips] Hmm.

[Miranda laughs]

Oh!

-[Sean hums] -[Page rustles]

[Indignantly] Oh!

What happened?

Were you surprised by a plot twist

you wrote and forgot about and then read and remembered

and then were surprised that you forgot about it?

What is he doing?

[Sean grunts]

[Miranda] I already told you, Sean.

It's not ready to read... Oh!

-[Gasps] -[Sean mumbles incoherently]

It feels like a criticism of my work.

[Sean grunts]

Oh! This happened to my dad.

I think he's sleepwalking or he's taken opium.

Your father took opium?

Just once.

Every day.

Oh.

[Sean mumbles incoherently]

Perhaps we should rouse Kate before he hurts himself.

No, this happened to my dad too.

As long as he stays upright, he should be OK.

-[Sean hums] -[Miranda] Ohhh.

-Ah... -[Sean hums]

[Joon] He's fine.

[Miranda gasps] Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh!

Oh! [Gasps]

[Miranda breathes shakily]

Not fine.

[Huffs] Brilliant. He's dead.

Kate will be all bereaved.

Who will ghost-write my novel now?

That's a rhetorical question,

which means you don't have to answer it.

-[Groans] -[Miranda shrieks]

Ah.

Ahh. Ahh!

-Aww, poor schmoobie. -[Sean groans pitifully]

-Why did this happen? -I don't know.

I mean, it happened a bunch as a kid

and then it just stopped.

No-one really knows what caused it.

It's caused by not going to church,

self-flagellation,

possession by the devil

and the sinfulness that follows.

Superstitious nonsense.

He was probably kicked in the head

by a gorgeous, well-muscled horse.

He hasn't been near any horses.

We're getting horses now?

Maybe he just needs more exercise.

What? Lindy's not here.

I just reckon that's what she'd say.

[Sighs] Joon, just tell us what your father did

to cure his sleepwalking.

-He tried everything. -Yes?

-Opium. -Oh.

[Mysterious music]

And then one day, we found out he was betting

on the local cockfighting matches.

It was the guilt.

That's only what I just said.

Possession, sin, guilt.

Tugging too much on your whatsit.

It's basic science.

The ghosts are getting a bit superstitious.

They think maybe you're feeling a bit guilty about something?

What...what would I be feeling guilty about?

[Kate] Yeah.

But sleepwalking is really dangerous.

[Sean] Mm.

Maybe you could call your old therapist.

Nah! No, she's old, she's retired.

It's probably just a one-off.

[Gideon] What if it's not, Katherine?

A young fiddler on the HMS 'Oppression'

suffered from this affliction

and he stumbled out of his hammock one morning

and fell overboard.

[Kate] Oh!

This is a really big house, babe.

Do you reckon maybe you could call someone, please?

Yeah, I should chat to someone, hey?

One always needs a talented fiddler.

Yes, especially at a party.

Especially at a party. He can fiddle everyone.

[Lindy giggles]

Hmm! [Giggles]

[Lindy chatters indistinctly and giggles]

Righto, Kate, let's talk colour palette.

I think either Spanish Crimson or Evening Blush.

Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, I'll, um... I'll help you in a minute.

I've just got my first therapy session.

-Oh, already? That's great. -[Sean] Yeah.

Is she or he or they...

It.

Like the evil clown?

Not like the evil clown, no.

It's an AI therapy app and it gets five-star reviews.

Did it review itself, though? [Laughs]

-[Electricity crackles] -Hey, thank God I found you.

Hey, um, do you have a second?

Hang on, are you seriously doing AI therapy?

I know, I know, the carbon emissions.

-I'll plant some trees. -[Phone rings]

-But... Oh, God. -[Lindy squeaks]

It's calling me.

-[Lindy giggles] -It's calling me.

-Hey, Lindy. -Hey, Satan.

[Satan] Hey, where were you last night?

No, I wasn't... Not that I was looking for you.

I was looking for something else.

Uh, what I was looking for, I found, so...

I've met somebody.

-What? -What?

-You met someone? -Yes.

-[Giggles] It was so magical. -[Electricity crackles]

He talked all night.

-[Electricity crackles] -Wait here.

Eeeee! [Giggles]

-Did you hear about this? -No.

And I don't like the sound of it.

[Ned] Your money or your life!

[Lindy] This is Ned.

-[Ned] Just kidding. -Just a little joke.

[Ned and Lindy laugh]

But he did steal money for a living. [Laughs]

-[Ned] Yeah. -But he's dead now.

[Stammers] You... It's... K...

[Roars excitedly]

-Uh... -[Kate laughs nervously]

What's up? [Laughs awkwardly]

Oh, ah, OK, good question. Um...

I think the reason I'm maybe sleepwalking

is because I got a text message from my ex.

[Stammers] It was just, um, "How are you?"

And then, uh, a kiss at the end.

But it was just completely out of the blue.

AI THERAPIST: I see.

-And how did you respond? -Uh...

Well, I haven't responded.

Or told Kate yet.

I'm just...telling you.

CONVICTS: Ooh!

[Quirky, laidback music]

Oh, Ned, I've got this sick tatt on my shoul... Ned, over here.

Ned, on my back of my shoulder, I've got a tattoo of you.

If I could take my shirt off, I'd show you, but I can't.

I do have this here, though. Look.

"Such is life." That's you. You said that.

[Ned] That's a common misconception.

Never actually said those words.

But, uh, it's there forever now, so a bit late to change it.

[Satan] Yeah, it's probably too late to change it now, Ned.

-Ned! -[Lindy laughs]

-Stop embarrassing him. -[Satan] No, I'm not. I'm not.

G'day, Kate. It's me, Aussie legend, et cetera.

When Lindy said her best mate was a breather,

I thought, "This sheila just has to meet me."

Yeah. Yeah, I felt the same...same way.

[Laughs awkwardly]

Make yourself at home.

[Sings] # Oh, oh... # Yeah, good acoustics in here.

[Eileen clucks] Kuh-Kate! Kuh-Kate!

-[Ned speaks indistinctly] -[Eileen] Psst. Get here.

-What is going on? -[Ned] Right, you lot.

Who wants to hear how I became the most famous bushranger ever?

-Yes, please. Do it again. -Anything in the world, Ned.

I love this story. [Laughs]

He's far from the real Ned Kelly.

He's an...

[Eileen and Gideon] ..actor.

[Eileen scoffs]

He came here with a very amateur theatre troupe

in the 1970s

and died during rehearsals.

He was suffocated by his own helmet.

-Dropped by a prop. -[Gideon] Hm.

Poor Lindy.

[Lindy laughs]

Oh, she has no idea.

We've tried reasoning with his spirit before, but to no avail.

He's entirely committed to the role.

[Eileen] Committed to being a git.

[Emphatically] Such an over actor.

[Scoffs and laughs] I know.

The real Ned Kelly was a true hero and a gentleman.

Yeah.

Sticking it to the English bastards.

I'm right here.

[Ned] Bang, bang!

[Sean] I love Kate.

She is my person.

But if I keep the text a secret and she finds out,

then it looks like I'm still hung up on my ex.

[AI therapist] And are you hung up on your ex?

[Sean] There was a... a point in time

where I was desperate for Sarah to reach out like this,

but that's only because she really...messed me up.

Wait, is Sarah that machine woman or someone else?

-Shh! We're trying to listen. -Yeah, who's Kate?

-Oh, don't... -[Convicts] Shh!

[Convict] Yeah, alright.

[Sean] And, you know, you name it, she did it.

Gaslighting. Love bombing. Breadcrumbing.

Breadcrumbing. So she's a baker.

-And a bomb lover. -And she cooks.

[Sean] What is she playing at?

I'm pretty sure she's even got a kid.

[Convicts gasp]

What was that? I missed that.

A bun in the oven.

An affair with a local baker?

She's also a lamplighter.

I can't believe that fop

would be up for putting his thing about.

He only eats potatoes once a month.

I think he gets a lot of free bread.

That'll do it.

Oh, they also have a child together.

A...a child?

I wouldn't have thought he had it in him.

You wouldn't think it to look at him, but it's true.

[Gasps] Why, the little bastard could lay claim

to the entire house,

like Napoleon taking over the Italian Peninsula.

Oh, you know, he was a pants man too.

If my late husband's any guide,

where there's one illegitimate child, there's bound to be more.

And these misbegotten offspring have a stake in my estate.

-[Gasps] -[Gideon] Now, now, woman.

And the profits from my novel?!

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh!

If you mean my estate and Katherine's, then yes.

He confessed everything to his talking-woman machine.

[Ned] Think about the armour

as kind of like a metaphor for me, right?

Like, hard still on the outside, but...

Are you sure this guy's right for you?

You barely know each other.

Kate, it's love at first sight.

He's wearing a helmet.

Yeah.

So mysterious.

I've always needed armour, be that literal or emotional.

When me mum got locked up...

[Satan] Stop it!

My nana did time too.

She had stashed a pallet of Balinese ciggies

in our rumpus room.

You would have loved her, Ned.

The cops were like, "Whose are those?"

And she said, "Go eff yourself, you pigs."

Because she didn't want to swear in front of the kids.

-She was a good nana. She... -Don't interrupt me, friend.

Oh, sorry, Ned. [Chuckles] He called me 'friend'.

Kooka-cacka-cacka- kuh-Katherine!

[Ned] Here is a bush poem I wrote about Mum.

[Both mouth words]

[Ned] You did nothing wrong, Ma, but you never spoke.

You were only inside because I beat up some bloke.

For the rest of me life,

I sought me revenge by robbing heaps of banks

with a bunch of me friends.

For three fractured years, you did hard time.

-[Tearfully] Quick, Kate. -[Gideon mouths]

-What? -[Ned] ..water and wine.

I haven't told her yet.

I'm waiting for him to stop talking, which doesn't happen.

Yes, blast that.

We've got something far more important

to tell you.

Sean has been secretly procreating

with his talking-woman machine.

-[Miranda sobs] -[Kate and Gideon] What?

At this very moment,

an army of their android children

are on the march towards Ramshead.

I didn't say that.

No, I said that he's got five illegitimate children

with the local lamplighter.

Mm, OK.

Miranda, my life isn't science fiction.

It's soft horror.

And, Gideon, we've been here three months.

What are you talking about?

Tell her, Eileen.

The one thing we know for sure

is he's been cavorting with the town baker.

Oh.

Buns in the oven isn't the half of it.

Isn't that right, Joon?

[Joon] I'm with Miranda.

Haem...haemorrhoid children.

[Quirky music]

Hey!

-Hey, mate. -[Kate chuckles]

-[Wall thuds] -[Kate] Ooh.

How was therapy?

Yeah, it was really good.

The...the algorithm's really empathetic.

[Sniffs] Yeah, I feel way more in control.

[Laughs] In control of his mechanical spawn.

[Kate] Where are you going?

[Sean] Hmm?

Wh-where are you going?

Uh, I'm going to the antiques store.

-[Miranda scoffs] -[Sean] Yeah, because...

[Eileen] Oh, sure.

Just, you know, see if they want any of our old stuff.

-[Kate] Ooh! -Uh, yeah.

There's a new owner there, Peggy.

She's...she's really into lamps.

-[Eileen cackles] -[Joon] Hmm!

A special lamp for a special lamplighter?

-[Miranda whispers] Oh, my... -[Door opens]

-'Bye! -[Sean] Yeah!

-Love...love you. -[Sean] OK!

-[Hinges squeak] -[Sean] Yep.

[Quirky music]

[Ned] So there we were,

heroes trudging through the boggy marsh,

sinking deeper with every step.

I turned to the boys and I said,

"It's time to stop running and fight."

Bullets whizzed all around me,

one whanged off me shoulder - ugh! -

another off me hip - ugh!

Then, calamity, they shot at me knees,

me Achilles knees!

I should have made knee plates, but such is life.

[Armour clanks]

[Clears throat] I'm finished!

Oh! [Laughs] Oh, my gosh. It's finished.

-Great. -He likes it when you clap.

-Who? -So...clap!

-Oh, Ned. -[Laughs] Love it.

Thank you. Thanks, everyone.

-Oh! -[Lindy shrieks and laughs]

[Ned] Uh, show's over. Show's over.

Do you reckon maybe we could just have a...

-Just go back... -Don't stop. Hey, encore!

-Thank you! Thank you. -Bravissima!

-What? -That's Italian. [Laughs]

Do you reckon we could just talk for a second?

[Ned] Hey! He's back. Whoo-hoo! Yeah. One more time.

-[Lindy] Do it again! -Keep going, keep going.

Oh, hey, hey! Hey.

[Nervously] Hi!

[Kate] What happened? You've been ages.

Yeah, no, I just got caught talking

to the, um, girl at the antiques shop.

So, yeah.

[Breathes deeply] I... I need to...

I need to go to the...

..the toilet?

-[Ghosts exclaim] -[Eileen] Well, well, well.

Well, what's he smuggling in that bulging knapsack?

Free bread.

[Eileen] Or a wee little bastard.

A mechanical bastard.

Hey, guys!

Um, I did just want to make an announcement.

We are having a life story afterparty tonight

in the tower.

Password is 'Glenrowan'. OK?

So I'll see you there. Ah! [Laughs]

-I don't have pants. -[All talk at once]

I'll check my calendar.

See you there. I'll see you there. I'll see you there.

-[Laughs] -Uh... Hey, Lindy.

Oh, hey, Kate, I actually wanted to say

that tonight, um, Ned and I

are going to be making a little announcement.

[Giggles]

-What? -Oh, not like that.

Um, I obviously am dead and, um, but, you know, we'll try.

Fingers crossed.

I did actually want to share, though, Kate.

Ned's moving in.

-[Lindy shrieks] -[Ned] Let's go.

I think...I think that's a housemate meeting

that we need to all have together.

I mean, I feel like I spent my whole entire life

just, like, searching for love

and now I've finally found it in the afterlife

with the real Ned Kelly.

-He's not the real Ned Kelly! -What?

-You're an actor. -[Ned] You're an actor.

-He died here in the 1970s. -What?

And he's been too deluded to let go of the role since.

[Ned] I just spent six hours telling you my life story.

Don't tell me it wasn't believable.

I mean, I... [Scoffs]

You know, you get it.

This guy with the burnt face gets it.

You lied to me?

Excuse me, everything I told you was real.

I saw you guys. You were swept away.

[Scoffs] Like, I'm here stuck in a steel bucket

all day, every day.

Me shoulder's all chafed.

You know what, Lindy?

I'm not putting up with this.

Let's go. It's me or them.

She's not going with you.

Ned, wait.

Oh, she's going.

[Ned] What's your choice, sweetheart?

I'm sorry. I choose love.

[Ned] Good choice.

-[Armour clanks] -[Whoosh!]

Well, they can't get that far, so...

[Gruffly] It's all good.

[Quirky, furtive music]

Hey.

Hi.

Hey.

So, look at this.

At the, um, antiques store.

New edition of 'Foundation'.

Yeah. Anyway...

Cool. What up?

Oh, I've had a bit of a day. [Laughs]

-Oh! -Yeah.

Also, the convicts overheard your therapy session.

What?

-Are you serious? -[Kate sighs]

Has anyone heard of chatbot-patient confidentiality?

Um, yeah, but the ghosts have just been

talking amongst themselves and then talking to me

and talking to me about, like,

maybe you were cheating on me

with a baker or something

and then there were robot children,

which I know is not true,

but I just wanted to, like,

get out of my head, you know?

So you're not, like, cheating on me, right?

[Slowly] No.

-No. -Great.

Great.

No.

[Ned] Then the reward for my capture

was raised from £100 to £2,000,

which is, like, 2 million bucks.

Anyway, Lindy, sit down.

-This is your new living room. -Ooh!

It's, um, creepy rustic. [Laughs]

-[Ned] Yeah. -Just needs a woman's touch.

[Ned] Yeah, same.

Some chintz curtains, s-some potpourri,

maybe a black light.

[Ned] Anyway, most people would've quit then,

but I only just got started.

That's when we started hitting the banks.

-One in Euroa, one in... -Shh.

You don't have to pretend anymore.

-Not with me. -I'm not pretending.

This is our life now.

We're on the run, darlin'. We're outlaws.

You're my new partner in crime

and I just want to see your bush...

..ranging skills.

You kiss the inside and I'll kiss the outside.

[Tender folk music]

-[Lindy giggles] -[Ned] Mm!

All of this from a text from your terrible ex?

Yeah, I know. I know.

[Sighs] I know.

Uh, Ned Kelly, though?

I know. [Laughs] I know.

Except he's not, so...

Yeah, it does make you wonder who else is out there, hey?

-Totally. -Hmm.

So you're feeling better

with all the sleepwalking and everything?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

It's probably just triggered some deep paranoia

that you might ghost me one day like Sarah ghosted me,

and with all these actual ghosts,

I apparently have got zero privacy

in this giant empty house,

and, you know,

just questions about where am I and who am I

and what's my future look like.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm fried.

I think I'm just gonna have a little grandad nap.

OK?

'Bye.

-Do you want to... -[Footsteps recede]

OK.

My life was one of those great tragedies.

Up there with Shakespeare, except real.

-Mum going to jail... -Yep.

..was the inciting incident and that gave me my motivation.

-Yep. -Um...

-Like, as a person, that is. -Just gonna... Yep.

And when people think about me, Ned Kelly...

[Lindy] OK. I'll just...

[Ned] ..the helmet and the bangs and the shootouts,

but it's not really a story about a man and his guns.

It's a story about a boy and his mother.

And I guess that's where I've come to terms

with the fact that...

Lindy?

Lindy!

[Insects chirp]

[Miranda] But, Kate, what if the ghosts

see some sort of non-existent connection

between Mirondo and Miranda?

I mean, the connection's not really there,

but they'll hate it.

They'll hate it, Kate!

Kate, we have to start again. We have to start again.

Burn it. Burn it. Burn it all.

It's good. It's really, really good. I like it.

And I don't even like sci-fi.

The ghosts will like it too. They'll be flattered.

-Really? -Yeah.

-It's good. -[Sean hums and mumbles]

[Sean hums]

[Joon] He's doing it again.

But it's OK. I'll watch him.

I'll make sure he doesn't fall.

He's not falling.

He's...

[Sean moans]

..not falling.

Kate, it's blaringly obvious.

Mechanical children.

[Intriguing music]

-[Thudding] -[Sean groans]

-[Joon] He fell. -Coming.

-[Box creaks] -[Wondrous music]

-[Kate gasps] -Ew.

-Say no. -[Gasps]

-[Breathes shakily] -[Miranda gags]

[Gentle music]