Original subtitles

[Folk music]

[Indistinct chatter]

[Folk music and chatter continue]

-[Mildred] Oh, Joon! -[Joon grunts]

-[Mildred] Oh, my... Oh! -[Joon grunts and moans]

-Oh! Ohhh! Ohh! Oh! -[Mildred] Oh!

[Joon] Oh! Ohh! Ohhh! Ohh. Ohh.

Don't you got to get to work?

What's the point of work?

To get money.

I don't have any money.

That's because you don't find much gold.

That's because I don't do much mining.

Not for gold, anyway.

[Chuckles] Hmm.

Wish I could go digging for gold.

Can't be worse than my bloody job.

[Gasps] Blimey, I got to get to work.

Wait, I don't want you to go.

Me neither, but my boss whip me if I'm late.

I could talk to your boss.

Me husband won't like that.

Your husband could talk to your boss.

Me husband is my boss,

so that'll be a short conversation.

-Oh. -Hm.

Why would they have a conversation about shorts?

[Laughs] You're so funny, Joon.

[Joon] Oh! Ooh! Ugh!

[Mildred gasps]

Joon?

[Quirky music]

[Furtive music]

[Exclaims]

[Breathes heavily]

I ain't getting flogged for this!

[Grunts softly]

[Groans softly]

[Wondrous music]

[Theme music]

[Electricity crackles]

[Lewis] I mean, this plumbing's a hundred years old,

the seal thing's busted here too,

and your cabinets are all rotting through.

So, uh, yeah, I can give you a quote on the kitchen.

Great, great.

As soon as you take care of

your unpaid invoices.

OK, we can flirt our way out of this.

OK, fight your way out of it.

These are standover tactics.

Give him an elbow to the throat.

No more bills.

But "Please pay within three days" -

I mean, isn't that a little harsh?

[Lewis] My alimony's due tomorrow,

so just trying to stay

ahead of the curve, you know?

He's trying to say he's single, he's available, he's interested.

We've had some unexpected costs.

We're down to one income, so...

Well, just do what rich people do.

Call his work subpar and refuse to pay.

-Oh, hey, mate. -Seanie.

The real question is,

why isn't your husband getting his hands dirty?

There's some artisanal kombucha.

-Pretend you're not together. -From the farmer's market?

-[Sean] Yeah. -Nice you can afford this.

Yeah, Rahim is still freaking out

about me going full remote.

-My sprint's about to kick off. -You OK?

-Mm-hm. -Great.

I've got to run. -Is he running or sprinting?

Surely sprinting away from manual labour.

So what does he do?

Oh, um, uh,

he does a lot of techie stuff for this company

and they do a lot of computer-y things, um, with IT.

Um, he's got a lot of gadgets.

Oh, you don't know, do you?

I mean, does he even have any money, Kate?

[Lewis] Look, I should probably go.

Airtasker is blowing up, eh.

-[Lewis chuckles] -Yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally.

Yeah. It's fine.

OK, now drop a pen and pick it up like this.

Yeah, and then pick him up and drop him through the table!

[Lewis] Yeah, I've got some other clients

who pay me cash up front, so, uh...

You reckon you could just do us,

like, a bundle deal, you know?

Lewis, this is a really, really big house

full of, um...problems.

We've all got problems.

Mine's not having enough money.

Cheers for the booch.

'Bye, Lewis.

[Lewis] Yeah, see you when you pay me.

Kate, I think my gold's in here.

Go get your dynamite.

[Quirky music]

Yeah, yeah, it was actually during the penetration test

that they exploited the API hole within the VM

and encountered antiviral issues.

What in the name of all things holy is he blathering about?

My boyfriend Dale used to be on the phone

talking about business stuff all the time.

He'd be like, "Insider trading, insolvent, Ponzi scheme."

Mm-hm, I'll focus on the software background status

with the insufficient RAM user vulnerability.

Insufficient rams?

The ewes are vulnerable?

Is he in the wool industry like my daddy?

More like hot-air industry.

He's leaving that poor girl

to do all the work while he gasbags.

Just like my useless excuse for a husband.

[Sean] Yeah, I know.

Get yourself and your strap-on away from me.

Mm-hm, it actually popped up in the penetration test

using the back door.

I'll be kicking you in the back door.

Whisht! Whisht!

You won't be walking through me.

[Sean] So I better get onto that.

-[Whoosh!] -Strength and stress.

[Sean] Debrief with him...

Leave me alone!

Devil make splinters of your legs!

-Away with your strap-on. -Yeah, don't worry about it.

Heathen!

-How about in maybe two hours? -A cat's curse on you!

Oh, absolutely. Just... I need to go through the code.

[Eileen shrieks]

[Kate] Joon, how did your gold get inside a brick wall?

I was working for my older brother, Ying, who was terrible.

-Here we go. -Terrible.

Just...just terrible.

Terrible. And...?

[Both] Terrible.

[Joon] Worst boss ever.

He was mad at Dad for sending us here,

and I knew he would take the gold for himself,

so I decided to hide it where Chinese weren't allowed.

Which, now that I'm thinking about it,

were lots of places.

[Miner] Oi, piss off back to China.

[Scottish accent] Get your own gold.

They're just letting in too many immigrants.

[Joon] But the closest one to my mining camp

was Ramshead Inn.

Before this place was a big old haunted house, it was an inn

for people during the gold rush who were in a rush to find gold,

and people who found gold who were in a rush to spend it.

Oh, the inn had superior-quality rum.

-[Rum sloshes] -[Exhales]

[Joon] Oh, but inferior-quality brickwork.

It was 170 years ago, but I remember it clearly now.

I hid my gold nugget right here in this brick wall.

And how big was this thing?

Like a potato.

Baby potato?

Adult potato.

Worth £500, easy.

Unless, has the value of money fallen much since 1855?

[Gideon] Don't listen to

this scatterbrained celestial, Catherine.

He's been on this wild-goose chase for 170 years.

I only chased that goose for two years

and it didn't even have my gold.

[Satan inhales]

Look, Kate, tiling's a piece of piss, yeah?

Just get the crowie in there and give it the old heave-ho.

Why am I taking building advice from a bikie?

Because we had contracts with the construction union.

I was a safety officer.

Pray tell, what did that involve?

Oh, you know, if you're gonna kick someone's head in,

just make sure you're wearing steel caps.

-Alright! -[Metal scrapes]

Let's pay some invoices.

-Ohh! -[Shards clatter]

Excuse me, I'm trying to read here.

Yeah, let's have a chat about why that wasn't safe.

Excuse me.

[Quirky music]

[Joon] Yeah, now that I'm looking at it,

I was trying to put my gold into the wall, but then...

[Mildred] I'm getting it. Keep your wig on.

-[Gasps] -Hey.

You're alive.

Yeah.

You're awake.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry for running off on you.

-Are you here for revenge? -Revenge? For what?

-For running off on you. -Why did you run off on me?

-Thought I'd get in trouble. -For what?

For killing you.

But I'm not dead.

You will be if my husband finds you in here.

What's he gonna do?

Kill you?

Life is pretty hard.

What have you got there anyway?

A present.

For you.

Oh.

What is it?

It's a lo bak.

Chinese radish.

I grow them secretly down by the creek

where you tip out the chamber pots.

You're so clever, Joon. [Giggles]

Mm! Oh.

Oh, wow. [Giggles]

[Gasps] Oh!

[Joon] Kissing Mildred was like kissing a...

..a beehive.

Not as stingy, but just as sweet.

And she was so beautiful.

Hey!

Oh, you've got a really long lifeline,

but a really short luck line.

What does that mean?

Hey, Joon, I can't see any gold in here,

so just wondering what happened after you kissed the maid.

-I used my tongue to... -Ooh, no. After that.

-Fun things involving hands. -After after that.

Well, we did it.

Joon, the gold.

I may have decided to hide it somewhere else

now that I'm thinking about it.

Because you're just thinking about that now.

[Gideon] There's no thinking involved.

I say give up now

while you still have a shred of dignity.

Now come and turn this page.

I'm dead and I can't do anything.

Kate!

Your fancy man is driving me up the wall.

Here, now,

I'm not after complaining.

Aren't you?

Even as a miserable wee girl

in the alleyways of Hobart

doing all I could to survive -

chopping up whale meat by day,

dodging syphilitic English soldiers by night.

Well, you weren't the only ones who suffered

at the hands of the English.

Aye, but I would rather knife-fight

a horde of drooling redcoats

than listen to your husband's mindnumbing prattle

for one more day.

-[Sean] The key priorities... -[Kate] Eileen?

..are DOS attacks and malware, yeah?

-So... -Sweet Lord, not again.

Post the antivirus stand-up,

the white hats will use the results off the grey box

to perform the deeper penetration test.

No false positives.

We don't want any false positives

coming back to haunt us,

so I'll get the pod to start putting together

the documentation for the order.

I can't go through walls, Eileen.

[Sean] Got it.

No, but you still have time

to ditch your lump of a husband

before your old womb dries up completely.

Again, we're not married and this is working.

He is working.

Sorry, just putting out a few fires.

-Everything OK? -No.

You're a long-necked, gangly hornet

buzzing in me noggin hole.

Everything is great.

Eileen and I were just talking about...

-Which one's Eileen again? -Um, the Irish lady.

She ran this place as a pub. She's lovely, polite and...

Chasing me around the house like a fop-haired twerp.

And she was just telling me how lucky I am to...

Shite-talking cack puppet.

And I was explaining to her that you work very hard as a...

Oh, it's...

-Um... -Scrum master.

-Scrum master. -[Sean] Master.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

And I was just telling her

how we really, really need the money.

And if you don't stop drowning the house in your blather,

I'll be taking drastic action.

Yeah, but hey, I was just wondering,

would you mind just, like, sticking to your desk today

and just keeping it down a bit?

You want me to avoid a whole bunch of people

I can't see or...hear?

Yes.

-[Whoosh!] -Uh...

[Joon] Kate, I remember now.

This is where I hid the gold.

[Kate] Now it's in the fireplace.

[Sean] OK. Seriously, Kate?

Sorry, no joke.

I could lose my job here.

-Rahim could fire me. -I'm sure that's not the case.

If we demolish the fireplace, we can find out.

Joon, I was talking to Sean.

Oh, OK.

The pantless miner's here too.

Hi, Rahim. I've got the whole team here.

Yep, I will stay in the office.

-I'm sorry you're stressed. -Small mercies.

-[Sean] I know. -You're amazing.

-We've got this, babe. -Thanks, Kate.

[Sean] Sorry, boss.

Yeah, wi-fi's a bit patchy out here but I've got you now.

-[Gentle music] -[Birds warble]

-So, Joon... -[Joon] Hey.

..you are absolutely sure

that the gold is in there?

As sure as I am that the moon

is a big bowl of rice.

[Gideon] Not only will you fail

to find this gold,

you'll also injure yourself

wielding that enormous implement

with your fragile feminine limbs.

-Oh, is that right? -[Satan] You'll be right, mate.

Just remember, all your strength comes from your legs, yeah?

So what you want to do is sink down into your legs,

walk in the other room and get your boyfriend to do it.

Mm-hm. [Inhales]

-[Kate grunts] -[Gideon] Oh!

-[Kate grunts] -[Gideon] Ohh!

-[Grunts] -[Bricks clank]

-[Sledgehammer thumps] -Ohh!

You did it, Kate.

Now look inside.

Because, like, I remember, when Mildred went back to work,

I snuck into this guest bedroom

and I hid my gold up the chimney.

And then...

Oh, my goodness! [Gasps]

Uh, hey.

What are you doing here?

Uh, um, cleaning your chimney.

It's pretty sooty.

Is it?

Is it very sooty?

No, no, it's... it's pretty clean now.

-Joon, just go with it. -Go with what?

[Tender music]

[Joon] Did I mention that

this guest and I were, um...ahem, friends?

This is the sootiest chimney I've had my hand up

in a long time.

Oh, and you're good at cleaning sooty chimneys, are you?

There isn't a chimney in my village

that hasn't seen my bristle brush.

[Laughs] Oh, good.

My husband hasn't been up my chimney for months.

Your husband's a banker.

I mean, he could hire me.

[Laughs] You're so stupid.

-[Laughs] -[Joon] Shh.

She had, like, the silkiest hair,

and then she lent in,

and our noses were touching like puppies.

There's nothing in here!

-And then we... -Here we go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is this just you bragging about girls?

No.

Well, there was this other other girl.

No, no more girls, Joon.

-Where is the gold? -Different bedroom?

[Gideon] No, it wasn't a different bedroom.

Your mind is a sieve, man.

You're remembering it all wrong.

-And how do you know? -[Joon] Yeah, how do you know?

That's classified.

Gideon, you better tell me what you know

before I knock this whole house down.

[Grunts stubbornly]

Well...

You're so stupid. [Laughs]

[Both laugh]

[Anastasia] Will you make my stack smoke?

[Joon] Oh, I'm gonna smoke your stack all night long.

[Anastasia giggles]

I love your sooty bristle brush.

[Anastasia and Joon laugh and moan]

[Gideon] Hmm. Hmm...

[Anastasia and Joon laugh and moan]

You were spying on us.

I was not spying.

I was trying to read an open newspaper.

Mate, not cool.

Interrupting the boss's reading time.

What's that about, huh?

Uhh... Uh, sorry.

Gideon, he has been looking for 170 years.

Why have you not had this conversation?

The less said about this tawdry business, the better.

Now, everyone shut their sick mouths.

[Stammers unintelligibly]

[Breathes deeply]

This is what happened.

I was here,

innocently reading the newspaper

when in my periphery,

I happened to spy... see a spicy encounter.

-[Anastasia giggles] -[Clang!]

[Anastasia] Ooh! What was that?

[Joon] Nothing.

It was just soot.

Just a big bit of soot.

-[Anastasia] Ohh! -Now close your eyes.

[Anastasia] Mm!

Ohh! Joon!

Joon!

[Anastasia giggles]

-[Furtive music] -[Anastasia sighs]

[Knock at door]

Oh! One moment.

[Whispers] Under the bed.

Under the bed. Go!

No, no, no, no. Argh!

-[Whoosh!] -[Gideon coughs]

[Anastasia] Come in!

Don't mind me, ma'am.

Just taking out the chamber pots.

-[Gideon] Urgh! -Oh, you can do that later.

Oh, no. It's a hot day, ma'am.

[Mildred hums cheerfully]

Oh, Mildred, hi.

[Downcast music]

It's a heavy one today.

I had a big breakfast.

Hm.

Mildred.

Mildred, wait.

The menfolk are getting back.

Your husband might not appreciate

a Chinaman with his radish lurking about.

What radish?

[Joon] If Gideon's right,

then maybe my gold is lost forever,

and I've been wrong about everything.

I just can't believe it.

I'm sorry, Kate.

I weigh nothing, but I've become a heavy burden.

No, people pooed in a bowl on the floor.

And then it just sat there under the bed all day?

Oh, yeah.

It was very fancy.

They put a cloth on top

and sometimes even a sprig of lavender.

Mate, that sounds way better than your average truck stop.

Meat pies and crystal meth - not a great combo.

-Hang on, Joon. -[Joon] Huh?

When you hid under the bed, the nugget was in your clothes, yes?

And then when Mildred left, you couldn't find it.

What if your nugget fell into the poo bowl?

What was the first part again?

Joon, where did they throw out the poo bowls?

[Curious music builds]

[Music crescendos]

What was the second part again?

You're killing me.

Yep, yep, yep, OK.

Listen, mate... mate, we can't go live

because the stocks are out of date

and those fields need to remain empty.

See? Livestock, empty fields.

This is all confirming my hypothesis, Lindy.

These are all sheep-farming terms.

Yep, this was actually... we mentioned this.

Yep, the software patches

weren't updated for that malware.

What kind of a job is this?

No, he's laying down.

Oh, it's just because he's been listening all day

and listening for men is very tiring.

Yeah, I have to jump on yet another Zoom with Rahim

and I'll try and talk him down, OK?

Right, that's it.

What... Eileen!

What are you doing?

I'm only making him drunk as a lord.

Then he'll be losing his so-called job

and he'll be having to do his manly duty and help Kate.

That doesn't sound very nice, Eileen.

[Eileen grunts]

[Sean clears throat and sniffs]

[Eileen grunts]

Hey, Rahim. How are you, boss?

-[Eileen inhales forcefully] -[Sean] Mm-hm.

[Eileen belches]

[Sean] Mm-hm.

[Slurs] So the white hats have identified

another hole in the system, but we have it under control.

No, this isn't about me being remote

because, you know what, actually, you're remote.

Yeah, you're remote... professionally

and you're remote emotionally.

[Emotionally] And just once, I'd like a "How are you, Sean?

"Are you OK, Sean?"

You know what, it's just me and Kate

in the middle of nowhere

in this big house,

and I have been trying so hard.

You have no idea what I'm dealing with, actually.

-What? -You know what, Rahim?

Shut up.

[Quirky music]

Sorry, boss, I think I've downed

some dodgy kombucha.

-[Thud!] -[Sean grunts]

-[Kate grunts] -Wow, Kate.

I've been looking for so long

and this is the closest I've ever been.

Has anyone told you you're really clever?

Yes, but thank you.

I can finally take the gold back to my ancestors.

-[Shovel scrapes] -[Soil scatters]

Sorry, what?

When we find the nugget,

I need you to bury it with my remains,

then I can take it back to my family in the afterlife.

It's the whole reason I haven't been sucked off yet.

Joon, I thought the gold was for me.

You know, to save us from bankruptcy.

Nah.

OK, focus, Kate.

When we find the nugget,

I need you to bury it with my remains

so I can take it to my family in the afterlife.

My father went into debt to send my brother and me to Australia

to find gold

and send it back to our family.

[Speaks Cantonese]

[Joon] Maybe my brother wasn't terrible.

Maybe he was just responsible.

I really should have just handed him the gold

so we could just go home.

Instead, I kept it for myself

because I wanted to stay in Australia.

It's sunny and the birds are nice,

but I didn't think I'd stay here for this long.

I was sent here to provide for my family,

but all I provided was shame.

Oh, but Joon, your dad going into debt

and sending his sons across the world to find gold,

I mean, he took a gamble.

-He loved gambling. -[Scoffs] Mm.

Meanwhile, going into debt

and starting a hotel with zero experience, it's a solid choice.

Well, don't be so hard on yourself.

I mean, you demolished two rooms in a day.

That would have taken me at least a day.

Joon, do you think hitting your head on that nugget

gave you, like, eternal concussion?

No, I've never played the drums.

[Sean] Babe!

Hey, so I totally lost it at Rahim,

and guess what -

he totally backed down.

-[Kate] Babe, that's great! -[Sean] Mm-hm.

That's great.

I knew that he appreciated

your computer-y skills.

You don't know what I do, do you?

-Ooh. No, I do. -Do you?

You work at a tech company, and you, um...

[Miranda] Allow me.

He works for a company

that specialises in woollen products,

AKA soft-wear.

Software stuff.

Sean and his team check the integrity of the carriages

that transport the sheep to their foreign ports,

protecting them from pirates.

-Um, security measures. -[Sean] Mm-mm.

Viruses and unfashionables, aka...

-Sheep. -..mal-wear.

I have no idea. [Gasps]

Oooh, oooh. OK.

Are you drunk?

I don't know.

How did this happen?

[Sean sings] # I'm digging for gold

# On behalf of my spouse

# 'Cause it belongs to a ghost

# That lives in our house

# And all the little... #

It's a cool power, Eileen,

but can you save it for Friday nights?

I was only after giving your fella

me booze breath

so he'd be helping you

do some actual work,

but the shame of it is he can barely hold a shovel.

What are the ghosts saying now?

That you look hot with a shovel in your hand.

[Miranda] And that he's far too frail

to make it in the wool industry. [Laughs]

Get out while you can.

And that you are amazing at everything you do.

[Laughs]

High five!

Are they high-fiving me?

Yep. Yep.

They're all taking turns.

[Ghosts mutter]

Nah, you haven't earned a high five.

Thank you, Kate, for helping me get sucked off.

We haven't found it yet.

-[Grunts] -[Metallic clank]

[Gasps]

I think I hit something!

-[Hopeful music] -[Sean laughs]

-[Sean] I did! -See you soon, Dad.

[Sean] I did it!

[Sean grunts]

Ohh!

[Satan] Ooh.

Tastes like brown!

Yeah, looks like you hit the septic there, mate.

We're gonna have to close this whole zone down, I reckon.

I think I need a blood test.

[Sewage continues spraying]

[Sean coughs and gags]

You know,

they also threw poo bowls into the river,

now that I'm thinking about it.

[Sean] Oh, no.

[Quirky folk music]