Original subtitles

This was a mistake.

Shut up. Pardon?

HORN HONKS

You're mad.

Wow.

APPLAUSE

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Hello! Hello, I'm Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.

There's a famous Shakespearian idiom which simply states

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

Well, I'm taking advice from you, am I,

a man who wear a giant detachable collar? Doubt it.

I've heard you didn't even write your plays, Shakey, swear down.

Give me advice about what's funny?

Running around London with a big codpiece

sticking out of your leggings,

and I'm listening to you about the introduction to a comedy show, am I?

Wouldn't have thought so, Shakespeare.

What should I do,

just come on and say "Forsooth" or something?

That's proper put me in a bad mood that has.

Going bald and then growing your hair long anyway,

now you're lecturing me about introductions?

That's proper put me in a bad mood that has, Shakey.

So...

good luck to our contestants.

They are Fatiha El-Ghorri,

Jason Mantzoukas,

Mathew Baynton,

Rosie Ramsey,

and Stevie Martin.

And next to me, a man who told me in private

that he once ran his fingers over the seat of a chair

because someone told him Princess Anne had sat on it.

It's little Alex Horne.

She's an amazing lady. Take it away, mate.

Yes. It's your chat section, it's all yours. It is, yeah,

and I'm glad you called me mate cos we are mates aren't we,

we hang out. And what do we do when we hang out?

BOTH: We...do...

..Word...searches.

We always do our wordsearches, don't we?

So I've got one for you, Greg. Yeah. Can you spot five words, Greg?

Have a look at the wordsearch. Five words.

Love a wordsearch, what can you see, Greg? Five words there.

Yeah, I can see Greg. Greg. See Greg written a lot.

Well, it says "Alex is cool guy amirite?"

Alex is cool.

Let's start the...let's start the show.

Let's move on to the Prize Task.

OK, here we go then. And this week we're both interested

because they've been asked to bring in the best thing

for a middle-aged man to keep on his bedside table.

As always, five points for the best thing.

At the end of the show five things for a middle-aged man

could go well go home with a young-aged woman,

but which thing will Greg like best, guys? It's time to find out.

Hello, Rosie. Hello. What have you imagined?

I've got two children. I've got two boys. OK.

I adore them. They are literally my entire world.

One day they're gonna grow up. Hmm.

And they're not gonna want anything to do with me.

Oh.

Ah.

So I just thought if there was a picture of me

on the side of their bed. Yeah. That they could just go,

"Ah, I'll text her today." Just that,

I don't want anything more than that.

You want a constant reminder to your sons... No, not con...

..on their bedside? No, listen. No, no, no. Right, listen,

look, look at the, it's not constant, cos look,

I've put a little curtain.

You've put a sex curtain on your mum's...

I put a sex curtain on.

Your kids' partners, in middle age...

Oh, they won't have partners, are you kidding?

Those sons are doomed. Yeah, right.

I'm not that bad.

And I think that's the intention of this device.

Yeah. Mums are always watching.

Who's next? Mat Baynton next. Mat, Mathew.

I think the best thing for a middle-aged man

to have on his bedside table is a book of poetry. Aw.

Devotions by Mary Oliver.

On a pretentious easel?

There's something about middle age,

your back hurts, your children don't respect you,

your partner even less so.

Do you need your mam? Whatever humble achievements...

Oh, so, so far you... So this hypothetical middle-aged man.

OK. He reaches over, he opens the book, he reads a poem.

And something speaks to his heart,

and his heart opens,

and there's a little bit more magic in his world.

Are they uplifting, are the poems up...?

Really uplifting. Can you name some of her poems?

Well, the one that springs to mind doesn't support my argument,

but it's called When Death Comes. Oh.

Two down. Two down. Mm-hm. Stevie to go.

So I think that what a middle-aged man would need

in his life is, like, a bit of mystery. Yeah, I agree.

Like a bit of like, "Oh, hang on. What's happening there?"

So far I agree, do you agree? OK? I agree if you agree. Yeah.

So I think if you put, like, a quill on your bedside table...

Fucking hell. Cos it makes...

She brought a quill. A quill?! Yeah, there's the quill.

It's a nice one.

And just be a bit like, "What's that doing there?"

like why do you need it, and it would open up a conversation

that might be interesting.

I've never given everyone one point before.

Right, Jason. OK, so I now cannot sleep the night through

without having to get up once or twice to go to the bathroom.

I'm on three. Three? OK.

So you're just a couple of years ahead of me,

and you know what, it's good to have a little flashlight,

or as you call it a torch, on your bedside table

so that you can find your way to the bathroom

without turning all the lights on and thus waking yourself up.

Can I say, this man is speaking my language.

Here's the thing. I went a little overboard.

A normal flashlight has between 80 and 120 lumens.

The flashlight I brought has 200,000 lumens.

And I was told... Wow.

..for your safety I could not turn it on in the studio

with people in it. Your dumb health and safety said that

I couldn't endanger the audience. Yeah, it is dumb, isn't it?

Cowards. It is dumb not to blind people

on a light entertainment show. Cowards. If we were in America

we could blind every single person in here for the sake of comedy.

Even these assholes.

Here's Jason wielding the lumen monster.

That is bright.

It's the equivalent of 5,000 iPhone torches at once.

Fatiha, I dread to ask what you've brought in.

So I've brought an orange

with the word audacity written on it.

Yeah.

Something that middle-aged men have a massive supply of is audacity.

All right? So this is what you do,

you wake up in the morning and juice it,

and drink that audacity,

so you don't inflict it on anybody else.

So what do you mean audacious? I mean I know what audacious means.

Yous lot got some fucking front.

This will remind you to keep that front inside. All right?

Good luck, Greg. Good luck, everyone.

Yes, Greg, what is the worst thing for a middle-aged man to have?

Worst, it's the quill.

Fuck!

I think this will make you feel better. I'm giving that two points.

OK. What? What less than the orange?

One to Stevie, two to Rosie, great.

I'm gonna give Mathew three points. Three for Mat, OK.

The orange is so weird,

but I think the principle of it is interesting, that we should all,

you know, just get ourselves in check sometimes.

But I can't fight my instinct, which is I want a big torch, so...

There we go, five points to Jason Mantzoukas.

OK then, let's task.

Off we go, everyone. Come on.

Can somebody please hurry up and answer that smell?

PHONES RING

Peekaboo.

I'll be watching.

Always watching. Bit weird.

"Answer the cheese phone."

Cheese.

I hate cheese.

"Every time you move, Alex will play the French horn."

Where are you getting that horn from?

"If you choose to only use your sense of smell

"Alex will not play the French horn,

"and your final time will be halved."

"Fastest wins."

None of this makes sense so far. Right.

Immediately confusing.

Mm-hm. Are you gonna use all your senses?

Yeah. OK, I'm gonna play the French horn when you move.

OK. Can you actually play? HE TOOTS A NOTE

Let's do the movement one then.

I haven't moved yet. Don't blow yet. HE TOOTS

Your head's moved. LONG NOTE

I suspect I'm more likely to succeed

if, in fact, you are playing the French horn.

I'm only gonna use my sense of smell.

I'm gonna have to put a blindfold on you, ear muffs,

you're gonna have to suck on a sweet and you have to wear gloves.

Yeah. You've gotta go high risk, high yield.

Why not? Just the sense of smell? I'll go sense of smell.

Shall I put this away? Yeah.

That's for your sense of touch.

Just suck on that, and if you could read the last line of the task,

thank you.

"Your time starts now."

Well, as Stevie says, you've gotta go high risk and high yield.

Well, we're gonna start with those two people at the end.

It's Fatiha and Jason.

FRENCH HORN PLAYS

FRENCH HORN STOPS

FRENCH HORN RESUMES

PHONE RINGS You're gonna get an ASBO if you carry on like that.

An ASBO? Yeah, an ASBO.

PHONE RINGS, FRENCH HORN PLAYS

I've found a clue, it says cheese is great.

Oh, interesting. Let's go, come on.

I mean is it possible that it's very obviously here?

PHONE RINGS, FRENCH HORN PLAYS Hello?

WOMAN ON PHONE: Achoo. Achoo. They're saying achoo.

Oh, it must be the sneeze phone. That's the sneeze phone?

Yeah, by the tissues. FRENCH HORN PLAYS

Hello. Do you think it's the cheese phone?

It looks like the bees phone. Oh, no.

You need to answer the cheese phone.

PHONE RINGS, FRENCH HORN PLAYS There's something in here.

OK. Ah, this...Hello?

ON PHONE: You've called the public peas line.

Who was that? The pea people.

Oh, the peas phone. Yeah. Yeah.

This appears to be the knees phone.

You need to answer the cheese phone. JASON SIGHS

FRENCH HORN PLAYS

Oh, I've lost him. Oh.

Graters are usually in the cupboard.

Oh, you're looking for a grater? FRENCH HORN PLAYS

BUZZING What's that noise? Is that the phone ringing?

FRENCH HORN PLAYS

No. I have found a task. Ah.

"Read this out loud and in full.

"If you fail to read this out loud and in full

"you will fail the current task. Dear Jason. Congratulations.

"You have looked under the table and found this, a letter just for...

"..who has no weakness...if you didn't have such...

"..who is...you are, Jason...

"and I'm gonna tell you something... you are rugged, firm and unshaven...

"..of the other contestants...

"..I think you've got what it takes to win Taskmaster."

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

FRENCH HORN TOOTS

Is it there?

"For some time now I've wanted to talk to Greg...

"..to really to tell him how much I respect him...

"..he is mighty but he is not indestr...

"..but I think you're better.

"I think you should be the Taskmaster.

"Goodbye, Alex Horne." Wow.

That's huge.

You are against the clock. FRENCH HORN TOOTS

Can I just say, this is, oh...

Are you gonna answer it?

Of course I'm gonna answer it when I get the cheese off it.

FRENCH HORN PLAYS

What's in the balloon?

"Congratulations, you have discovered the magic moustache

"and must wear it until the end of the task."

Don't mind if I do.

Hello?

WOMAN ON PHONE: Welcome to the cheese call centre.

I've found it. Can I go now? Yeah, you can go. Thank you.

You found it in the grating.

FRENCH HORN PLAYS

Disgusting.

Hello.

WOMAN ON PHONE: You've reached the cheese call centre.

What would you like to discuss?

You haven't said anything about my moustache.

SHE LAUGHS I got her to laugh.

APPLAUSE

I find the phone puns just irritating.

Did they irritate you too?

Massively. What's worse than the puns

is how delighted he is that he has them to say.

Oh, my God. You see when he jumps on it?

"Oh, I'm sorry that's the sneeze phone."

What a fucking asshole. Yeah.

Tell me some stuff.

OK. Well Fatiha, not bad, Fatiha, 17 minutes 30.

And Jason, nine minutes slower than Fatiha, 26 minutes 40.

Nearly half an hour. Nearly half an hour.

OK, it's time for a break.

Why not open up that language app and learn the language

that you'll never use in the country you'll rarely visit?

They speak English better than you do anyway.

Put your phone down.

And I should have practised this before. Soyes todes...

Soy es todos...pateticos.

Hello!

Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster

where there's a cheese phone ringing

and the contestants need to answer it.

Oh, yes. Fastest to answer wins. For a laugh, we gave them the option

to have all of their senses taken away apart from smell.

"Nobody will go for that," we all laughed,

at a team drinks event at a wine bar in the city,

but we were so wrong.

Two out of five did, and those two people are Stevie and Mat.

Mat, in his tiny little shorts.

I can't smell anything apart from the sweet. Hmm.

STEVIE SNIFFS

There's no way it's in here, it's gotta be out here.

The assumption I made... Mm?

Which now seems foolish,

is that there might be a sort of trail of smells.

And now I'm beginning to think that you could put some cheese

somewhere quite far away. Mm-hm.

Could it be in here?

Can you smell anything?

Fuck all.

Oh.

That's my knee.

I feel like I can smell cheese.

Oh, I can feel... I can feel vibrations.

BUZZING

Oh...Oh, no.

Fucking h... Yeah, please be a bit careful, just...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Can you help? Things falling on your head. Yeah.

I feel like I've gone further away now.

And yet this was completely fruitless over here.

BUZZING

Oh, there's the phone!

You're close, Mathew.

Stop saying that!

There's just a hint of cheese in my nose.

Hello?

ON PHONE: Welcome to the cheese call centre. Bye.

BUZZING

Smells. I think it's the cheese phone.

ON PHONE: Welcome to the cheese call centre. Hello?

I can't...I can't hear.

No, I know. You've got the thing. You've answered the cheese phone.

Thank you.

Well, I feel a bit sorry for Stevie in that task

because she was extremely efficient. Yes, she was.

She smelt herself to victory quickly.

But a glorious task attempt was somewhat overshadowed.

It was not my intention to upstage Stevie

with my, presumably, scrotum.

I had fairly secure undergarments. Fairly.

I would not advise you to watch the original footage.

As you suspected, Stevie very fast, six minutes 44. Wow.

And we halve that cos she only used her sense of smell

so that's three minutes 22. Wow. Wow.

Mathew took longer than Fatiha, 21 minutes,

but he only used the sense of smell so his time is halved,

so it's ten minutes and a half,

you're now in second place, Mathew, so it was worth it.

It was definitely worth it.

Finally, it's self-confessed cheese hater Rosie Ramsey.

FRENCH HORN TOOTS

Shh, shh, shh. There's a bit of cheese.

Ah. Oh, my God.

These are on the wall. I saw them the other day.

FRENCH HORN PLAYS

Cheese.

This is vibrating. BUZZING

Ugh.

FRENCH HORN PLAYS, PHONE BUZZES

Hello? ON PHONE: Cheese call centre,

how can I help?

ALEX: Rosie, you have answered the cheese phone.

Congratulations. Thank you.

So efficient. She must have been so fast at this.

I mean, yes, wasn't she quick and fast?

Sorry, what I mean is, didn't we make her look quick and fast?

Here's a little bit more detail.

BUZZING What's a cheese phone look like?

FRENCH HORN PLAYS

It's ringing. Hello, Rosie speaking.

ON PHONE: Hello, this is the knees hotline. Hello?

Oh, fuck you!

PHONE RINGS, FRENCH HORN TOOTS

Hello, Rosie speaking.

Hello, Rosie speaking. ON PHONE: Achoo.

Oh, Jesus. No.

PHONE RINGS, HORN TOOTS

They're just gonna be sneezing again, aren't they?

What if they're not, what if it's not a prank call?

Hello. ON PHONE: Achoo.

Oh, shut up. No stop it. Still sneezing?

Stop that sneezing.

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

I just can't leave a phone ringing.

Those peas have melted. Pardon?

Hello, hello. Where's the cheese phone?

FRENCH HORN PLAYS

Shh, shh, shh.

There's a bit of cheese. Ah.

That wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it?

Sorry, Rosie, but, yeah, you answered the phones 22 times.

Again and again and again and again.

I thought no, they're gonna,

I thought they're gonna say something different.

If it's still ringing.

So she did badly is the headline, is it? She did do badly,

but not as badly as Jason, 24 minutes 22.

Oh, my God! Yeah, well done.

And that means Stevie Martin got the full five points, well done.

Four to Mathew, three to Fatiha, two to Rosie and one to Jason.

Scoreboard, is it?

OK, well joint winners at the moment,

Fatiha and Mathew on seven points.

Load up another task please, Alex.

Yes, now, and this is not a euphemism,

it's time for me to show you my ruined abbey.

You all right? Yeah, I'm not bad.

This is for you. What is happening here?

It's terrifying, isn't it? It is very terrifying.

Hi, guys. DUCKS QUACK

Don't mind me. Were they saying Mathew?

QUACKS: Mathew.

I imagine this is what your house is like. Empty.

What the fuck, man! That one's a monster.

Woo! Alex!

"Move the most cushions from one bin to the other bin."

"Without Alex correctly saying what colour cape you're wearing."

"You must be wearing a cape on the outside

"of your clothes throughout."

Choice of capes over there, five colours. Yes.

And just to say you must be wearing it correctly. Yeah.

There's no funny business there.

Should hope not.

"You may not move the bins."

"If a cushion touches the ground the task is over."

"Alex will alternately open then shut his eyes

"for as many seconds as there are

"letters in each of the words in this task." OK.

I'm gonna be stood on that spot. Yeah. Watching through the windows.

I will blow the whistle for closed. I'll blow the whistle when I open.

You've gotta try to nip across between the blasts of the whistle.

So it starts with Move The Most Cushions,

so they'll shut for four for Move.

Open for The.

Shut for four seconds for Most.

Open for eight seconds with Cushions.

Everything all right?

You...you're mad.

"You have six minutes.

"Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle."

OK, and I'm assuming the capes are just like on so much bird shit.

And geese and dogs.

I don't like these things, bro. Those three ducks? Right.

OK, can I say what you just whispered to me

when you mouthed the mean thing to Alex? Oh, yeah.

You know when Rosie went "This reminds me of your house, empty."

We all sort of went, "Ooh, that's a bit mean."

Rosie looked at me and went "I was on my period."

I quite like his jokes and stuff, but that day I was like...

Yeah. Shut up. Shut up. Yeah.

Shut up with the puns. Explains quite a lot of that day.

It does. Yeah, here we go, first up, uh-oh, here come the girls.

It's Fatiha, Rosie and Stevie together.

I'll go green. It's my favourite colour.

Are you ready? Yeah.

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

Oh, fuck!

You are wearing a green cape. The task is over.

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

"If a cushion touches the ground the task is over...Over...Over..."

I fell over. Did you? Are you hurt?

No, I'm fine. Did you not hear me?

I heard you, yes.

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

Fatiha. Yeah.

You're wearing a green cape. You got so far.

I did get far.

How many cushions have you got? Four.

Oh, it would've been lovely if you got them in the bin.

I know...are you taking the mick?

I'm not happy. OK, thank you, Fatiha.

DUCK QUACKS No, bruv, go away.

Oh, my God.

Crazy.

Well, failure all round.

At least we all got to hear Fatiha call a duck "bruv".

Stevie, you just judged the gap wrong,

but you were such a sneaky sneaker up to that point.

I was really sneaky, and then I went across the main one like this.

Different sort of sneaking style, I noticed.

You were very static. Yeah. Serene.

Even when you failed you didn't move. It's almost... Yeah.

It's almost as if you don't care about any of this.

Yeah, she cared. She cared in this one. Did she care about this one?

She was upset. I did. I was very upset.

I asked to see the director and you said no.

Uh, Rosie. Ambitious with the amount of cushions you went for.

Yeah. And then, my God.

I know. I know.

Those cushions saved my life. And I had a bruise.

I wanted to send you it but I thought you,

"He's married, I can't send him, like,

"a picture of my crotch." No, it's fine.

Far too quick. Oh, was that too quick? Yeah.

Right, time to stop for another break.

We've reached the halfway point, or as Alex calls it

his biffin's bridge. We'll see you in a minute.

Hello!

It's part three of Taskmaster,

and there's a cape-wearing cushion-carrying

bin-filling task under way.

Now for two guys that are more than used

to wearing capes, it's Mat and Jason.

Three, two, one...

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

"If a cushion touches the ground...touches the ground...

"If a cushion touches the ground, the task is over."

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

DUCKS QUACK

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

Jason. Yes, Alex.

You're wearing a blue cape.

I had plans. Yes.

I had plans and then I abandoned them.

Right.

WHISTLE BLASTS

WHISTLE BLASTS

APPLAUSE

I've done it.

Wow. What a masterful technique. Brilliant.

I think this marks a real turning point for you.

In his life. Yeah.

Jason, I thought you'd nailed it as well.

This one made me furious afterwards.

Only because I knew that if I'd just followed through

on my initial idea... So close. ..that it would've worked.

Yeah. And I just talked myself out of it. Yeah.

Ah, well. You did really badly.

I did. I did quite poorly.

Yeah, unlike Mathew who didn't touch the floor with his cushions,

I didn't catch sight of the colour of the cape,

which is why it's so sad

that I do have one more video to show you.

No! What? Oh, God.

What? Hang on, those are the only two possible infractions.

Well, we're either gonna see something you've done wrong

or we're gonna see the full testicles. Good luck.

"You may not move the bins."

"You may not move the bins..."

You moved the bins one metre for no reason.

That's the one task I was sure I'd done well.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Took you ages to get there as well. You really...

Also, my back, if you'd seen,

I was like grazed... Yeah, yeah. ..up.

Aw, he grazed his little back.

Does anyone win?

No, none of them got any points at all. They were all disqualified.

Right, so let's just cross that off, and move on, what's next?

OK, well we're gonna have some pretty prompt painting now, so...

good luck everyone.

Wow. You like that? Course I like that.

Is my blood still on these curtains?

Yeah. Couldn't get that out.

This caravan should get tested.

"Paint the best picture of the Taskmaster

"and his assistant having fun on the canvas in the lab."

When do you guys ever have fun? Have you ever had fun with Greg?

Hmm... Not... Yep, that's the answer, thank you.

"You may only enter the lab

"when there are 30 seconds left in the task."

"You have 15 minutes. Your time starts now."

How are your painting skills? Very good.

I painted my whole room when I was a teenager in Batman style.

And my mum was very upset cos the ceiling was black.

And the floor was black, and then the walls were yellow.

And I had all this Batman memorabilia

and then one time we had a guest, and my mum,

we were short of cups so she made me open the memorabilia

and give my Batman cup to one of the people. I'll never forgive her.

When are you gonna start painting Fatiha? Now.

What's this conversation you had with Jason about us not having fun?

Well... We've had fun. We did have fun that time.

We've been camping, remember? We went camping together, I remember that.

We've been camping together. What happened on the camping trip?

We can't remember. Correct.

We arrived, we pitched our tents, and within ten minutes

we were so drunk neither of us remember the trip.

Shall we just have a little chat about the Batman room?

Yeah. Ages ago when I was like 18 or something...

18! 18? Wow.

And like other people had boyfriends and I had Batman, what?

So I wanna see some speedy portraits is what I wanna see.

Of course you do. First let's see what three of them did,

and their names are Mat, Jason and Stevie.

I'm gonna go the lab and see if I can get the canvas out.

Right. You gonna run again, are you? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna see how this works. Sure.

And then I'm gonna assess.

Got it.

And that's the canvas. That's the canvas.

Can I squeeze?

OK...

I hit the blinds. Um, shall I stop?

Well, there's not much point stopping.

OK. There we go.

Is this set up for something? No?

Get out of the way!

What is this thing?

It's a telescope mic stand. Right.

Oh, boy.

Realistically I don't think that's gonna do anything.

Alex, what do you and Greg like to do for fun?

We went camping once. Yeah?

Look out!

Ah. OK.

All of that build up and now so quiet and delicate.

So small.

Look out! Ah!

Actually...

Should've done this from the beginning, huh? Hm.

HE STRAINS

Hi, Stevie.

I can't find a stick long enough, so I've got a duck.

I'm gonna throw the duck covered in paint at the canvas.

Yeah.

I swear to God. I'm so sorry.

You're allowed in in 55 seconds.

Very nice.

I realised I didn't give Alex his little legs.

OK.

Three, two, one. WHISTLE PEEPS

WHISTLE PEEPS

You're allowed into the lab. Oh, great.

Give me the paint thing!

WHISTLE PEEPS

WHISTLE PEEPS Thank you, Mathew.

Stevie. Oh...

What was with the throwing a duck at the canvas?

Right, I don't know, I don't know.

Oh, er, potato print painting. Potato prints.

You know when you do the, and you go do-do-do-do-doo.

I was like "I'll do that with the duck's stomach."

And, and you thought you would go do-do-do-do-do-doo

and it would be a picture of me and Alex?

I thought if I did it once then I could go

and get more ducks and then I could make like a pattern.

Fascinating. And, Jason,

I think there's this inner rage to you that I really enjoy.

Not even inner, I mean you were like an actual madman.

Yes. Yeah.

I vowed at the beginning that I would destroy that house

and every task was an opportunity.

Well, let's see the fruits of their labour.

That's L-A-B-O-U-R, Jason.

Here is Mat's effort. Oh, wow.

Remember, it was very close.

That's what happened!

That's the camping trip.

I knew we were wearing top hats.

It's just come back to me.

Shall we compare that to Stevie's effort? Yes, please.

This is what she...

That's 15 seconds.

Also I did some facial hair. I don't know who for.

I'm on the left you said,

so I'm slightly bigger than Greg in the end.

Yes, because you were closer in the fun.

And I've got the big, long angular tongue.

OK, and then Jason ended up doing this.

You said there's Greg with the strong legs,

Alex with the clipboard and Greg with the big dick.

What could be more fun?

OK, let's stop for the last break.

In a few minutes one of them will be on stage, triumphantly lifting

an orange above their head with all of their friends and family watching.

Horrible proof that winning isn't everything.

We'll see you in a minute.

Hello! Welcome back to the final part of the show

and our Speedy Art challenge.

Now for Rosie Rambo and Fatiha El Gambo.

OK. I've got an idea.

Oh. This is you painting, is it?

Yeah. Yous are frolicking. Ah, frolicking is fun.

Frolicking's good.

Everybody likes the beach, right? Mm-hm.

So let's go to the beach. This is gonna come out so good, yeah?

Even what's-his-name, Van Gogh's gonna call me

and go, "Fatiha, come and work with me in the lab."

Do you like golf? Course I like golf.

Do you like golf? I'll put some golf clubs here.

Bang and then I'm gonna do one last thing.

Look at that, how skilled is that?

You've got to be at the lab in one minute. Gosh. OK.

We can probably make our way down the corridor quite soon.

All right.

WHISTLE PEEPS You've got 30 seconds, Rosie.

Ten seconds.

That's not that bad.

What! Bruv. Look at that.

It's dripping, are we fine with that?

Of course we're fine with that. That's cos it's hot.

Climate change, innit. This is a topical piece. OK?

It could've gone worse. A lot worse.

Thanks, Rosie. OK, bye.

ROSIE GASPS

SHE WAILS

Bye, Rosie.

No...

So sad.

I was sort of horrified by how hilarious

Alex was finding your tragedy.

First I've heard. And then Alex pointed out during that

that the camera is really shaky and it's because

the cameraman was laughing as well.

They were all laughing.

We were so impressed by the picture. It was a release of emotions.

Incredible.

Who'd have thought that Fatiha would have made such

a powerful statement about the climate crisis.

It was pretty strong. This is the final image.

There's something there, isn't there?

There is. Talk us through it, Fatiha.

So yous are at the beach. All right? We both are, yeah.

And that yellow thing is the sun. The blue things are the birds.

Yeah. I gave you hair. Look, people.

What do you mean you gave me hair? Why are you saying that?

No, I mean...

OK, well, here is Rosie's before.

Lovely. Oh. Absolutely lovely. It's so good.

Ah. And then a few seconds after... Ah.

Not that bad. I think it's better.

It's a bit dark, isn't it?

Alex has sort of shown his satanic side, hasn't he?

He's been revealed for the monster he is.

Well, look I'm gonna put them all up, Greg, and you can judge them.

I gave you hair.

MAT: I gave you a hat. Yeah.

I gave you a big dick.

I just wanna reiterate. And the clipboard, don't mind that.

And the clipboard. All right, then. I'll judge them as works of art.

Yes, please. Jason, one point. Dammit!

Stevie the duck thrower, two points.

Two points to Stevie, got it. Yes, OK.

Three points to Rosie. Good stuff, OK.

Uh, four points to Fatiha,

and I know what it's like to have fun with Alex Horne

and I do it in a tent with a top hat on.

Five points to Mat. Well done, Mathew, there we go.

Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show.

What's up, sweet cheeks?

Thank you. Well, it's just a lovely family photo.

Lovely pose. Ah, that is nice.

Mat is gonna read out the task. Good luck, Mathew.

"Take it in turns as teams to obey Greg's previous order.

"If you hesitate your team loses the round.

"Highest score after five rounds wins."

I'm gonna unpick this for everybody. Greg has some instructions.

The instruction will be for the person standing up

and they must do the thing to the person sitting down.

If it was "hit him," don't do it,

then the next one, "kick him," then you hit him.

Hit him. Yeah, exactly. Why are you moving your foot?

And I hit him.

Belt and braces, isn't it?

There are five rounds. There's one point per each round.

This team is kicking things off.

Ah! Good luck.

Spin them.

Pat them.

Tickle them.

Smell them.

Spin them.

Flick them.

Chide them.

Shake them.

WHISTLE BLOWS

That was not a chide. That is a chide.

That was a flick. That's how I chide people.

You don't chide with a flick, young lady.

I'm so sorry. The team of three have one point.

That's how the game works. Please rotate.

- I'm really sorry. - Oh, you're good.

I'm really bad. Well done.

I still don't get this.

OK, this time the team of three are starting.

That's you, Rosie, start. OK. Here we go.

Tickle them.

Smell them.

WHISTLE BLOWS No.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

One-all, we're starting with the team of two this time.

Yeah. OK, here we go.

Chide them.

Smell them.

Blow them.

WHISTLE BLOWS Well, they both did it wrong.

What? It was their turn.

It was their turn.

You did it when you weren't supposed to,

you didn't do it when you were supposed to.

Rotate again. Neither of you get any points for that.

Team of three are starting. Come on, everyone.

Tickle them. Tickle them.

Blow them.

Pat them.

Shake them.

Spin them.

Smell them.

Flick them.

Smell. WHISTLE BLOWS

You should've smelled, Mat.

Ah! That's another point to the team of two.

Yes!

Here we go, final round. Super quick. Here we go.

Tickle them. Smell them.

Blow them.

WHISTLE BLOWS You were supposed to do the previous instruction

and it means it's 3-1 to the team of two.

We'll add those to your final scores, come down and join me.

So the team of two won three points in that.

The team of three won one point each.

Which means the final scores...

He's only gone and done it again. He's on for the clean sweep.

So Mathew Baynton's the winner once more.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Mathew wins. Please meander up

to marvel at your middle-aged man memorabilia.

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt so many things in this episode,

so many things have happened.

And yet every single person watching this show tonight

will remember just one thing.

This.

Of course here he is,

your winner once more, Mathew Baynton.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media