Original subtitles

Come in.

How can I help you?

I've got some stuff I'd like to show you.

Busy reading some Emerson right now.

Unless you have something more interesting.

What you got? I got some snake oil here that will cure all your ails.

Such as?

Cancer, diarrhea, gray hair, erectile dysfunction, dry

vagina.

You name it. It'll even make your boobies bigger. You interrupted my

this. I am.

I'm giving you the Western tradition here, and you're fucking around with me.

Why are you wasting my time, dude? No, I'm serious. Because you're a psoriasis,

and herpes, and gonorrhea, and athlete's foot.

Snake oil is going to cure all these things. All these things, yeah. What has

done for you? You still got gray hair.

I don't even know the age of the herpes or anything.

Are we picking and choosing what we're curing?

Well, yeah. You kind of got to put it where it belongs, you know. So what can

do for lesbians?

Make them straight.

Make lesbians straight.

All right.

Well, I don't know. Cure lesbianism?

Cure lesbianism, huh? How about a bad attitude?

Oh, definitely.

Definitely. Definitely good for bad attitudes. Do you have a bad attitude?

I have a horrible attitude, and I've been gay for 10 years.

Your shit can cure me. I'll put that on the market in my store.

Well, in order to make me a straight woman, you have to make me want to fuck

guy.

And that's half the battle right there. I don't know if your dick works or if

you even have one because you confuse the shit out of me with what you're

wearing right now. I'm not really sure about that.

But, so how does this work?

You just take a couple drops of this.

No, no, no.

Don't fucking touch me. You're first. I'm serious.

Okay, watch.

I'll do it.

Ready?

There we go.

A couple drops of that.

Is it going to make him any bigger?

It might not make him taller, but, you know, it might definitely make the dick

harder.

Really? Yeah, especially if I put a little bit of it on here. Well, how am I

going to be able to tell that you're wearing clothes?

I mean, is it even really going to matter? I mean, I'm twice your size. I

want to see a miracle happen here at birth.

Who dressed you today?

Who put this shit on you? Seriously.

I mean, my God. What, you don't like my clothes? What, is this Austin Powers

happening here? All that matters is that you buy my stuff.

Well, I can't look at the results of your product if you're wearing all this

garbage. Seriously, take this shit off. Come on.

Come on, I'm reading everything.

All right, all right.

Here, help me out here.

You're so good at them buttons.

Please doesn't hurt, you know Okay,

I

never liked that shirt anyway Yeah, well, we'll burn that I'll give you

one My ex -wife has a few So you're saying that this stuff

You know, is anything on you big, though? I mean, I'm... You know, when my

come up to your chest, I'm not really sure if that really... You know?

My hips really do come up to your chest. How deep is that?

Huh? How deep is that? How deep are my hips or my pussy? Your pussy.

Well, you've got to get your dick hot in order to find that out, buddy. And even

then, I'm not really sure if that shit's going to happen because you said you

have to cure my lesbianism.

You know, I'm curious.

Okay, here, let me have a drop of that stuff.

Yeah, take a drop of that. It's pretty good. I'm always up for a good drink.

I hope you are. I thought you were supposed to get erectile non

happening here. Oh, all right. All right. Get you all.

Jesus Christ, your head is the same size as my boot.

Are you even going to feel anything?

I already took some. Here, put some on your head.

Oh, see?

Oh, my God, that works already. Look at that. Damn.

I guess it does work.

You want to try that?

Hi. You know, here, let's try to get you taller here, because, you know, I'm a

big girl. I'm, like, 6 '4", and you're not.

I don't know. Do I really want to get taller, or is it just going to make me

straight?

Well, I don't think I'm going to make you any taller. You're pretty damn tall.

Well, I'm just going to make you taller because I'm looking straight over you

right now. I never tested it on tallness, you know. I'm just testing it

tallness. Here, let me see this.

I'm not straight yet, buddy.

Okay. Stick your hand on me like this and we'll see what you got. Oh.

Well, you're not much bigger yet, but it's going to make you... So, if you're

straight, is it going to make you gay?

You're going to make me gay.

Look, your head is as big as my boob.

There you go.

Don't get too happy yet.

Hey.

Ah, buddy, point that thing the other way.

Point it the other way. That way?

Point it the other way. You're going to get your ass kicked. You're serious.

Yep, yep. Nope, you're not calling up yet.

Yeah, well.

It's healthy Italian.

It's all right.

No, no.

I mean, my shoulders are above your head.

Yeah, I mean, I almost put me under your armpit. Jeez. I probably could.

Put you under my shoulder. Yeah, take a few drops there. That's what I'm talking

about. Yeah.

Yeah.

That is impressive.

Yeah. I've got a cheap pair of balls.

Shit's getting on my hands. It's working already.

All right, well, I suppose. How many drops do I take?

Oh, it only takes a couple.

Just a couple?

Yeah. I put all that shit on you, though.

Yeah.

Okay, that's all we're doing for now because I don't like you that much.

So, is that making you straight yet?

I'm not feeling straight at all. I feel pretty good, actually. Like, you know,

I'm just lifting some weights or something.

Um, you're not really that attracted to you yet, but, okay, get up on the bed,

let's see what we got.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm feeling pretty good, yeah.

Put some weights here. I can put this down on the table over here.

Okay.

Oops.

I'm starting to feel excited.

Hmm.

I got a small arm. Check that thing out.

Damn.

You know, it's kicking in, I guess. All this energy. Come here, man. Fuck it.

Oh, my God.

You're a strong girl.

Wow.

What the fuck? That thing is hard. Check this out.

Wow.

It's not so big.

You're tiny as hell.

Really? Yeah.

Wow.

I'll check you out. I didn't know that shit would make you so strong.

Well, I mean, you know, I'm strong by nature anyway, but I don't get it. Wow,

it's not bad.

I'll check you out.

Hmm. Yeah, you need to get another drop of that shit.

I have another job. I'm not feeling quite straight yet.

You know, I want to whack that around like a baseball bat.

You want to whack it around like a toy, huh? Yeah, I kind of do, actually.

Okay How big can it get?

Mama's cooking.

Oh my goodness.

Ew. Check this out. Look at this fucking thing.

Seriously. You ever hit people with this?

No.

I say probably.

I've never had sex with a man. I don't know.

You've never had sex with a man? Mm -mm. Never.

I heard it was pretty good stuff, though. I mean, you know. You ought to

Had a few vitamins.

I've seen it done.

Of course, I know what it looks like. I don't know.

I'm like, all this energy.

Get up, man.

Here, taste it. No, I'm good.

Wow.

Hey,

you're one strong girl. Yeah, pretty much.

I think that's how I see it.

That's how it works.

Oh, man.

Okay.

You are pulling my hair.

Oh, sorry.

Will I lay my leg on your hair?

Yeah, a little bit. That's okay.

Do that one again. Come here.

Oh, you're so fucking cute.

Look at you.

Let me do a dancing like this. This is kind of fun.

I like it.

I'm the one that loves to rearrange.

What's that?

Feel pretty good.

Well, that looks like you're getting a workout there.

Oh, yeah, totally, man. This is great.

Look at you.

You know what I want to do?

What do you want to do?

You know, I had this beautiful little girl the other day. She was so hot.

What did she look like? Oh, she was fucking sexy.

And I got her in a position where she was sitting on my hips, and I could look

down, and I saw her beautiful little pussy.

Yeah, I did it on my hips.

Yeah? Oh, what?

Here, come sit on my hips. Like this?

Yeah.

Here, let me carry you.

Oh, that's cute.

Oh, that's really nice.

Oh, that can't be comfortable. You've got those balls. See, she didn't have a

pair of balls, though. She's really cute. Yeah, balls get in the way.

It'd be better if we didn't have those hanging out like that.

Oh, you're nuts, right?

You are adorable.

Oh, my God. I could go, like, I could carry you around the house all day.

What's that?

I said I could carry you around the house all day.

You know, I don't hate you as much anymore. I think your bad attitude cure

really is kicking in. It worked on my attitude. I'm still not straight,

buddy.

Get down.

Woo!

So much for the bad attitude cure.

You know what I really want to say?

What?

I want you to show me how you stroke it.

I want you to show me.

You don't... Mm -hmm. Show me.

Show me.

I like to watch.

Mm -hmm. I think that's exciting.

Oh, very nice.

My God, you have no body fat whatsoever.

If you remind me, I'd definitely have to feed you.

Because you have to eat.

Oh, yeah?

So show me how that works.

You know what?

I'm going to spin this around because I want you to sit on my neck.

Here.

Show me how you stroke it.

Show me.

Show me.

Come on, let the blood go to your head.

Swing it around like a clock.

Now that's how you do it.

That's how you do it. Mm -hmm.

Now lean up.

There you go. I've never scrubbed it upside down like that.

I'll do it today.

I've never seen a dick stroke in my face before either.

I need a couple more drops of that stuff because I'm feeling pretty good, but I

still have a bad attitude and I still don't like you.

You did interrupt my Emerson, by the way. He's one of my favorite authors.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Put some more in there.

Put a whole dye dropper full. That's good snake oil.

Seriously, snake oil?

Really?

Yeah.

Call it snake oil because it cures everything.

I don't know.

You're still not any bigger.

Oh, yeah.

Your feet are on my hair again.

Move your feet. I got you. How's that? I got you.

I totally got you.

Okay.

You ought to take the bra off and do it between your tits like that.

Wouldn't that be fun?

Woo!

Whoa! You are a strong girl. Maybe next time. Who knows?

You know, that was fun.

I'm not feeling quite so hateful anymore.

That's kind of cool.

You're just fucking adorable.

You are. Come here, baby.

Come here.

Oh,

that's

great. You know what?

I'm getting hot.

This is a blast.

I'm feeling a little less hateful.

Getting hot with all them clothes on? Yeah, it's getting a little hot.

Nice.

Well,

there's no more snake oil.

I put it in the other room.

Come here. Come sit on my lap.

Come here.

Okay. You're too far away.

Come here.

Yeah. There you go.

Let me see those.

Men somehow we're scratching my poor dick all up today You

can sell some more that snake

shit to some people Let's make a mess of you

Well, here's the good news and the bad news The good news is

I'm a little left gay

I don't hate you as much.

The bad news is I'm not buying shit.

You're not going to buy it after a hundred years. Fuck no. I should take

wallet for jacking you off.

Then you interrupted my book.

It's a nice book, too.

I don't know if you read Emerson, but he's an intelligent man.

Let me see your feet.

They're nice feet.

Look at you.

Little feet.

You got little feet.

I got little feet?

Mm -hmm. You got little feet. Look at your feet next to mine.

I'm a woman, and your feet, you have like, you have like dwarf feet. Look at

you.

I can't help it.

They're size seven.

Yeah, you know, I'm a woman's size. What do you wear, like a kitty shoe?

All right, I think your snake oil is starting to wear off because I'm

to feel a little bit gay again.

I don't know. Let's see.

Oh, yeah. There it is.

Well, you can rub that damn thing.

Oh, yeah.

Don't get that shit on me either.

It might make you really straight.

Or it might get you thrown out of a fucking second story window.

Don't get it on me.

I'm going to go back to my goddamn book so you need to finish up.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Now get your clothes back on.