Original subtitles

As we look back on Junior...

a modern ever sounded lovelier. Oh my gosh, guys.

I'm going to miss you so much.

But we'll be together in high school. I know, but I'm just a little... I know.

Please welcome a student whose accomplishments are almost too numerous

mention.

Anchor of the Wombat Report, President of the Overachievers Club, my personal

assistant, and the single most amazing young woman I have ever met.

Good gravy, I'm going to miss her.

your valedictorian, Rand Stevens.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, parents, teachers, and fellow graduates.

Lawrence Junior High was not just a school.

But it was a home away from home.

It was a place to learn.

A place to play. That's my little girl up there. A place to think. I know, Dad.

I'm her brother.

Donnie, you're late. We began.

He's going to miss her in speech.

I dropped him in beans off.

He said he wanted a better angle.

For what?

Patience, Dean.

Okay, but I'm going to bust a gut. Don't you do it. Breathe.

Are you breathing?

And even as we look to our future, we'll never forget our past.

Wherever we go on this planet I like to call Earth, we'll keep the wombat spirit

alive in our... in our... in our hearts.

Um... What is the wombat spirit?

Well, that's a good question.

It's service.

Dedication.

Confiscate that beach ball.

I'm on it, Chief.

What is the Wombat spirit?

Good question.

It's service.

Dedication. It's commitment. It's perseverance.

It's...

It's not a toy, all right? This is my job.

This is what I do.

And sure, it's easy to say me, me, me, but... Come on!

What about me?

Me, me, me.

Remember, there is no I in Wombat.

to release confetti.

Confetti?

I thought you said...

confetti.

Beans, your lack of listening skills is finally...

that we should stay low for a while, all right?

Mr.

Wester, you cannot give me detention.

It's summer vacation, sir. Please!

Rat, you're right.

Ah, but think of all the days you'll owe me next year.

He's all yours.

Have a nice summer.

What? Well, I'll show you what.

This

is

a very happy day.

We should all be happy.

Don't you realize that Donnie is going off to college in the fall and Ren is

starting high school?

Soon you'll all be leaving home, going out on your own.

This is a very precious time.

We should make the most of this summer as a family.

Mom's right, guys.

We need to cherish these days together.

But I got a date, so first thing tomorrow we're going to do some serious

cherishing.

Bye.

Yeah, and I got to meet up with the guy, so I'll cherish you later.

So, I guess it's just the three of us, huh?

Oh, actually...

Gil's taking me out to dinner.

Gil?

He's only been my boyfriend for the past three months, Dad. Doesn't ring a bell.

Your father is still in denial.

Well... Okay, go, honey.

Go on, go.

Have a good time. All right, I love you guys. And I love you, too.

Help me! Help me!

summer.

We can spend every day together.

Hey, can you believe how many syrups I have?

Hey, um, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, fine.

It's just that, well, I took a summer job at a camp, and I'm going to teach

swimming to little kids.

Oh,

oh, that's great.

We'll have nights and weekends.

It's not a day camp.

Oh. It's in Maine.

Oh.

Yeah,

that's really far.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I'm going to miss you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's usually where people say, I'm going to miss you too.

Ren, here's the thing.

Uh -oh. I mean, it's been great, but I'm going to be going away, and I don't

want to be tied down.

Oh, no, sure. I mean, in case you meet another girl. Well, I probably won't.

I know, but no, no, no. When you go to Maine, you want to keep your options

open.

Right, exactly.

You know, when I come back, we can pick things up again.

No, Gil, we can't.

Ren, are you upset?

You dump me in a pancake house and you wonder if I'm upset?

Okay, this would be a really great moment if the syrup wasn't so thick.

The technology is amazing.

It's your masterpiece.

You're really going to sit in this thing all summer?

Hold on, hold on. Don't call her a thing. She's my ultra -loud dramatic

chair.

Sweet.

Watch this, watch this.

Oh, like a thousand times fingers working all the right parts.

You've brought laziness to an art form.

Thank you, Tony.

Okay.

Thank you, darling.

Well, it certainly looks like it has all the bells and whistles.

That reminds me.

Snack time.

Huh?

Well my entertainment pleasure.

Yum. That's good.

You feeling okay, honey? Yeah.

Oh, great. Fine.

You know?

Super. Tip -top. Never been better. Do you really think I'm going to let a boy

ruin my summer?

Nuh -uh.

You mean you're really over, uh, what's his name?

His name is Gil.

Gil.

Oh. Gil. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Okay. Oh, honey.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, this looks like a mother -daughter

conversation.

Okay.

So where will I be bunking?

Bunking? Uh, yeah.

Mom, I actually, I took a babysitting job so I could get my mind off of a you

-know -who.

Oh?

Hey, Beans, you know, I'm just watching you for the afternoon.

I don't think my parents will appreciate that.

Why not?

They're in Helsinki.

Helsinki? It's in Finland.

Get a globe.

had rice pudding.

Uh, Beansy? Honey?

Little guy.

Let's put this down.

Um, so, Beans, now, now, Beansy, I just, I just don't think this is a great

idea. So, Beans, really, how long will your parents be away?

Two weeks. Three tops.

Three tops. Three?

Um, time to unpack.

Beans, the guest room is upstairs.

You think I don't know that?

What are you doing there?

I don't know that.

Beans, you brought your own bacon.

No, I'm holding it for a friend.

Want some?

Two weeks of beans, Ma.

Two weeks of beans.

Retap.

It's so cold, yet so entertaining.

Yeah, well, I got to get going, man. Have a good... Sit. All right, man.

Later. See you around.

Oh, Tony.

I have a surprise for you.

That's your seat.

Right next to Papa.

Actually, Papa, I've got to get home.

All right.

Well, then maybe tomorrow, then?

I'll be here all summer.

Also next to Papa.

Mosquitoes.

Beans, what are you doing?

These things gotta hit your butt.

Please get out of my stuff.

Don't worry, they're not for me. Louis needs more mosquitoes than any first

year.

More.

Oh, Ren, come on. Come on, Ren. You're letting the skeeters in. They're really

biting this year. Must be the rain or something.

Ren, can you say something? Because that sick look is really starting to freak

me out.

Why did I get my hands on you? Do you have any idea?

Ow!

Lewis,

get me out of this thing.

Press the red button. The red button.

Sir, are you okay? I'm sorry about that. Oh, yes, I'm fine. Oh, if there's

anything we can do, I'm happy. Well, actually, you can help me. I'm trying to

find the Stevens family.

Who are the Stevens?

Oh, you must be Steve. Yes. Hi, I'm Miles McDermott. Oh, nice to meet you. I

have a presentation for you. Oh, well, Miles, whatever you're selling, we're

really interested.

Thank you. Oh, well, Steve, you know, I'm not really a lawsuit kind of guy,

suddenly my back is feeling a little tight.

Stevens family?

You have won an all -expense paid vacation to the beautiful island

Mandolino.

Try to contain your enthusiasm.

Miles, I have never heard of Mandolino.

Not surprising.

Mandolino is an uncharted, unspoiled island paradise.

Mandolino is populated by the descendants of island natives and

sailors from many nations, making for the unique and varied look of its

English is the mother tongue of Mandolino, so there will be no language

as you experience the natural beauty and amazing Mandolinian hospitality never

before offered to an outsider.

Mandolino, your dream vacation.

Miles, it's all very interesting, but...

Why us?

Well, you're a very influential family here in Sacramento. You're a state

senator. Your husband works for a prominent law firm.

Actually, I'm between prominent law firms right now.

I'm sorry to hear that.

At any rate, my company was hired to conduct an extensive search, and you are

exactly the family we're looking for with this wonderful opportunity.

Miles, I hate to be a negative Ned, but what's the catch?

There's no catch.

We're just trying to get tourists to come to this island, that's all.

All we ask is that you give us your honest opinion at the end of the trip

allow us to quote you in our brochures.

And that's it?

Just sign on the dotted line.

Dad, what are you waiting for?

Hold on.

Okay,

you know this is boring.

And you just want to go because you broke up with your stupid boyfriend and

want to get away. And you just want to stay here and sit on your stupid chair.

Do they have cable?

Son, the beauty of mandolinos, there is no modern convenience of any kind.

Guys, this sounds kind of cool. I mean, I can run the beach. You can get in a

football shape. Donnie, come on!

You can run here and get in shape here, please.

You know, Steve, this could be a wonderful family adventure.

It could be everything we've been hoping for. No, Mom, listen.

Listen, here's an adventure.

You can stay here at home and give me breakfast and do my laundry, and that'll

be an adventure. Dad, come on. Dad, listen.

Dad, can somebody put a stop to the madness, please?

Well, I guess it's unanimous. We're going to Mandalina. Yes!

Excellent. Well, we better start packing. We don't want to forget

Especially me.

If you look out the right side, you'll see the beautiful island of Pantolino.

I think it is!

Welcome, Stevens family.

This is very exciting.

Yes, it is.

Why? You're about to be presented with the traditional mandolino hat of

friendship.

Welcome.

I am Mutai.

I'm Ren.

Come on, everyone, and I'll show you where you'll be living.

All right.

could really get used to this.

Oh, it's magnificent.

Yeah, it's the Palace of Tuca, the chief elder.

They haven't built hotels here on the island yet, so he's allowing you to stay

here as his guest.

Can I get one of the front rooms? I get nauseous about all this spectacular

ocean view.

In my room.

Oh, no.

I called... Oh, no, you don't. No, you don't. Wait a second, you little worm.

didn't even want to come here. It doesn't matter. Oh, yeah?

I'm just going to have to make the best of it in the royal bedroom.

Hey,

hey, be careful, guys. You don't want to break anything.

Oh, yes, I do.

Seriously, guys, the palace holds deep spiritual meaning for the islanders.

Does it mean that it's haunted?

No, on the contrary. The islanders believe that the palace is a source of

fortune and positive energy.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah.

Where's the lady with the hug?

Your islander waits you.

I'm never going back.

Are you carrying me?

You're not going to carry me.

Who's going to?

No, I'm good. The girls are making a wrap. Sir, sir, please.

What a player -hater.

You're hating on me, buddy. Listen, we can share the...

You look just like this guy who went to my high school. What's his name? My name

is Lalo.

No, Patrick Green.

My name is Lalo.

Are you sure, man? Because... Johnny!

Johnny, look!

Hey, guys.

Hey, Donnie.

Donnie, having fun? This place is the best.

You want to hear something weird?

I swear the one of the natives is this guy that went to my school.

Son, we're on an uncharted island. The last thing you're going to do is run

one of your classmates.

Have a grape, son. They're delicious.

Can I serve you in any way?

No. Everyone on the island has been great.

So you were having a pleasurable time on our island?

Yes, completely.

Yet in your eyes, there is so much sadness.

Yeah, I was sort of just thinking about something.

Something else?

Something wonderful.

Like what?

The smell of the ocean.

The beauty of a flower.

The light in your smile.

You see? The sadness is gone.

What was that?

Your family is being summoned for a great honor.

Come feast on this island delicacy.

Thank you so much for this delicious looking worm.

Actually, it's a slug. It's an island delicacy.

Are we really supposed to eat this?

Guys, the elders would be deeply offended if we refused their offering.

Oh, Coco.

Coco.

Well, I suppose it's the least we can do.

Coco.

That's good slug.

Having trouble getting it down, huh?

I, uh, I generally try to avoid snacks that leave a trail of spine.

Yeah, so does Tuca.

I happen to know for a fact that he has some American munchies hidden in the

palace pantry.

Word? Word.

Excuse me, I have to use the facility.

Ren, hold my slug.

Forbidden chamber of mystery.

Do not open.

Yeah, right.

Now that's a chair.

No where I'm spending this vacation.

We'll go on foot ride.

sunset in a forbidden throne, destroyed a sacred royal residence, and put a

curse on the entire village.

You don't really believe in all that, do you?

I don't, but they do.

Listen,

I think the less you say now, the better. Right.

Lewis, how could you total our house?

It totaled itself. I swear that's what happened.

Yeah, congratulations, Lewis. You did it again. Everything that's nice and

decent, you just end up ruining.

Well, at least now everyone has an ocean view, huh?

People,

people, people.

Listen, listen.

I think the thing for you to do right now is get away from this area

immediately.

What about our luggage?

Well, officially it's cursed, so touching it would just make things

And where are we supposed to live?

Well, I guess you could put together a little lean -to from this.

Lean -to?

We're supposed to be living in a palace.

Well, obviously that's not an option.

Well, it's getting dark. You guys should get started.

Wait a minute.

Where are you sleeping?

Well, I have a small hut provided by the Islanders. Only sleeps one.

Comfortably.

Don't worry. I'll check in on you later to see if you survive.

Survive?

All right, let's not panic. Come on.

We got a lot of work to do. Let's pitch in.

You know... Put these things together.

This is your fault.

Ren, can we not talk about this? It was an accident. I'm sorry.

You know, you shouldn't have even been in there, Lewis.

Well, Ren, I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you.

I am not perfect.

Really?

Ben, let's look at this. You have perfect grades.

You have perfect behavior.

You have a perfect life.

You don't know what's going on in my life.

So you had a little boyfriend trouble. Boo -hoo, Ben.

Life goes on.

You know what? I do not want to talk about Gil.

And if you were smart, you'd shut your mouth.

Well, what if I wasn't smart?

Hey, stop it, guys.

We got enough to deal with without you two being at each other's throats, okay?

You know what, Lewis?

You and, uh... Donnie and I will go find some firewood, and Ren, you and Beans

will stay with Dad and help start the shelter.

I'd rather eat. You got any more slugs? Hey, Beans, we're all hungry. If we find

some food, we'll pick it up and bring it back.

Donnie, do me a favor, Donnie.

Can you scratch my nose, please?

Can you scratch my nose?

Donnie.

Good news, everyone.

The tribal elders are meeting right now. And if you go before them and make a

sincere, heartfelt apology, I'm sure everything is going to be fine.

Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, I'll go tell the others. No, no, no, I'm sorry.

Mandolino tradition states that all apologies must be made in groups of

Groups of three.

Groups of three.

Go ahead, Donnie.

You're stronger than I am. Okay, okay. Okay, hold on, hold on. Okay, okay.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Speak to Fire God.

What? Oh, the big head? Oh!

The big sacred head.

The sacred head.

Uh, yeah, well, uh... Uh, I'm...

I'm really sorry about the whole collapsing palace deal, and I promise

never destroy another palace again.

Uh, yeah.

God of Fire will consider your apology.

But first, we feast!

It doesn't seem right eating without the rest of the family.

I understand, but it's your only chance for forgiveness.

See, Mom, we're not eating for ourselves. We're eating for forgiveness.

It's the right thing to do.

Ah, Quay, you ordered a pizza?

Put a lid on it, Beams. We're all hungry.

You know, I'm going to go see what's taking them so long.

Don't stray too far, honey.

Want to go skinny dipping?

You're so brave.

Not so much.

You make face uglier than his, he runs away.

Now you're okay?

No.

My brother knocked down our house.

I'm tired, and I'm hungry, and... Please.

What's that?

It is every shell you walked on when you first arrived on our island.

I'm not ready for this.

Then I will wait.

How can everything be so horrible and so wonderful all at the same time?

Your troubles may soon be over.

Your mother and brother are feasting with the elders right now.

Feasting? Just like eating, but with bigger plates. I know.

I thought they just went out there to get wood.

Come, see with your eyes.

I'm getting cold. Beans, you can't rush these things. Making fire is a delicate

art. Excuses, excuses.

Whoa! Whoa!

I made fire!

I made fire!

Ah -choo!

How could they pig out like that when we're starving?

Your brother eats without chewing.

I'm going in.

Bad idea.

To interrupt a tribal feast.

Unforgivable. Isn't that right, Mufti?

Unforgivable, yes.

I don't understand.

Why didn't they come and get us?

When I mentioned it to your family, someone said, more for us.

Now, who said that?

Why am I asking it with Lewis?

I mean, I can understand Lewis selling us out, but Mom and Donnie, now why

they go along with it? It just doesn't make sense.

Boy, you think you know a person.

Hey, looks like you got a little action there, Smokey. Nope.

Stay away from the fire.

Oh, Oprah!

Oprah? It's a coincidence.

Mighty goddess of fire!

The Stevens family have apologized. They have feasted with us.

Are they now worthy of forgiveness?

Is that good?

Does it look good?

Well, they made their decision.

You're going to be shunned. Yes!

No, son.

Shunned is bad.

You've been deemed unworthy for forgiveness.

No one on the island can have anything to do with you.

Well, why don't they just tell us to our faces?

Because then they'd have to kill you.

Right. Well, Unworthy's good for me. Yeah, it's good.

Miles, I want my family out of here on the next plane.

Absolutely. Seven days from now, you'll all be heading home.

What? Seven days.

That's the next plane.

No.

I like pork.

So, how was your feast?

What feast?

Don't give me that.

I saw it with my own eyes, and it wasn't pretty.

Get a little something on your cheek.

No.

Okay, okay.

I wanted to bring everyone, but they said there was a rule about groups of

three. Really?

How convenient.

Hey, Dad, we only ate all the food so we could be forgiven by Oprah.

I see. And did Oprah forgive us?

Almost.

There's a little thing about being shunned.

I know it sounds great, but it's not.

So we did all the work and they did all the food. That seems fair.

Do you think we would sell you out for a dinner?

And flaming dessert?

Yes.

I find this completely insulting.

Insulting? You weren't even going to tell us about it.

Because I didn't want you to feel bad.

You know, my group ate, yours didn't. Why would I feel bad?

I've provided plenty of food for this family over the years.

Steve, who says you haven't?

Great!

Just what we need. It's raining.

Well, at least I was able to put a roof over our heads.

Okay, Miles, on -air commentary in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Quite a first day for our unsuspecting vacationers.

They still have no idea that they're on TV, that all of the natives are actors,

and that everything that is happening to them is completely controlled by our

crew. Luckily, we know a lot more about them than they know about us, thanks to

a little help from their friends.

I think I made a terrible mistake.

I cannot believe you set them up for this.

Our secret source tipped us off that Lewis, the irrepressible little brother,

could never pass up a keep -out sign, let alone a comfortable chair.

I told them that. What else did you tell them?

Everything. Oh, nice work.

I thought it'd be fun.

Does it look like they're having fun?

You told me.

Let's pump up the rain a little, fellas.

Cue thunder.

Cue thunder.

Sure you do.

But we have a few more surprises in store for you.

Tune in every day to see if the Stevens family can survive a week in paradise.

Poor Rian. How humiliating. Well, maybe nobody's watching.

This summer's most outrageous new reality show, Family Fakeout. I'm your

Miles McDermott, saying, isn't life funny when it's not happening to you?

Good night.

Yes! Brilliant!

I love it! I love it! Come on, guys!

Okay? It's hilarious, right?

Come on!

Yo, Patrick.

Heard you had a close call with that Donnie kid, huh?

Man, I graduated three years ago, and I can't believe the kid still remembers

me. Yeah, forget about it.

Great show, Miles.

Excellent show.

Better than Gotcha? Oh, no doubt.

Family Fakeout is the best reality show on TV.

Are you just saying that because your job depends on it?

No, of course not. You are a ten times better host than that Lance LeBeau.

You know, when I was the producer of Gotcha, I hired Lance LeBeau. How does

repay me?

He got you fired.

That...

Don't worry, Miles.

When the ratings come out, you'll be on top. Yeah, I better be. Our heads are

going to roll.

And what do we have for tomorrow?

Hey,

Patrick. Close call.

Patrick Green.

We need to talk.

Look, I'm sorry that Donnie recognized me. Look, from now on, I'll keep a low

profile. That's what I'll do. I have a better idea. You're fired.

What?

Wait.

I just thought of something.

According to our research, Donnie's not exactly the Einstein of the family.

We could have some fun with this.

You're rehired.

What do you think, Miles?

It's adorable.

Fix it.

I hate adorable.

Fix it.

And now it's time for America's favorite new reality

show. Family Fakeout with your host, Miles McDermott.

Hi, that's me. I'm Miles McDermott. Welcome to Family Fakeout. Thank you for

joining us for our morning edition.

The Stevens family is just waking up.

Yesterday, we knocked down their house, deprived them of all modern

conveniences, and gave them a good soaking in the boot.

Let's see how far we can push this family today before they crack.

Mother of Pearl, Bean!

Mother of Pearl!

Oh, wow!

Sorry!

Gassy in the morning.

What was your excuse on the plane?

All right, Eileen, this time you and the boys take care of the fire. I'll take

Ren and Beans and find us some food.

Good luck.

I don't need luck to find food for my family.

Okay.

Looks like Steve's a little sensitive this morning. According to our research,

he's been out of work for quite a while.

Maybe the fact that Eileen's been bringing home the bacon is finally

get to him.

I'll see if I can help.

Oh, Daddy, we're not going to kill that cute little squirrel, are we?

hungry, and we just got attacked by a killing squirrel.

Don't worry, guys. I've arranged for an emergency food drop. That should get you

through the week.

Oh, thanks, Miles.

There it is now.

Hey, hey, hey, we're over here!

Hey, we're over here! We're over here! Hey!

No!

Oh, I'm sorry.

The wind must have blown it off course.

Nice little weatherman you got there.

Looks like you folks have some mountain climbing to do.

Miles, this isn't exactly familiar territory.

Well, I would ask the islanders to help you guys, but whenever I mention your

names, they shake with anger.

Come on, you guys can do it. Just follow these red trail markers.

All right, I should let Eileen know.

Come on, Steve. Do you really need your wife's help to bring home the bacon?

Bacon.

It's just an expression, Beans.

Oh, yeah? Well, I...

in for you, buddy.

Okay, let's go, people. We've got a family to feed.

Right, got it.

Donnie's alone.

You lay low.

Hey, Donnie.

What are you staring at, man?

You know, you're going to be late for class.

You are Patrick Green.

What are you doing here?

Don't tell anyone.

I'm cutting English.

Hey, Mom.

You know I didn't mean to knock the house down on purpose, right?

Yeah, I know, Lou.

You mad at me?

You know, I think it might be better if we just never mention it again. I hear

you. Guys!

Guys! Guys, that native that looked like Patrick Green, it was Patrick Green.

What are you talking about?

I just saw him. Well, now, honey, honey, just because someone slightly resembles

someone... He was wearing a cool sweater.

He was caught in English.

Donnie, this is ridiculous.

Why is everything that I do in this family so ridiculous?

I mean, if you went outside, you'd believe him.

Honey, you're hungry. You've been in the sun. Yeah.

Donnie, relax. I mean, this morning I thought I saw a cheeseburger doing yoga.

know what I saw.

Hey, folks.

Miles. Yes.

I heard a plane before. You told me that there's not going to be another plane

here for a week. It didn't land. I arranged a food drop for you, but it

the beach and landed in a mountain.

Whatever. Mops, can you sneak us a meal or something?

Do you realize how much I'm risking just by talking to you? How do we get the

food? You go to the big rock on the beach, head into the woods, and then

the blue trail markers.

Wait, wait, wait. I think we should wait for Dad and the others.

No, actually, they already went up there.

Without telling us?

Well, they did mention something about you having had enough food last night.

Oh, okay.

I get it.

It's payback.

I tell you what, you have one lousy feast and it's all up in flames.

This will come in handy.

What?

They got here first and ate everything.

Payback. Now, it's on.

There it is!

Food!

It's empty!

Somebody ate it all!

Oh, oh yeah?

I'll give you one guess.

Come on.

Sneaky us.

Two trails, two empty crates, and two hungry teams, each thinking the other

betrayed them. You gotta love it. I think it's disgraceful.

I hate this.

I can't believe I sold them out.

Twitty, you can't drown your guilt in syrup.

You're right.

You're right.

Hey, is this the greatest show of all time or what?

Ooh, Twitty.

You gonna finish those?

Yeah.

Anyway, it's nice to see that for once the joke's on Louis Stevens.

Too bad the whole family has to go down with him.

Twitty, you look like you're full. I'll finish those for you. Come on, bring

them on. Take them.

And the best part is, those lunkheads think they're halfway around the world.

What did you say?

I said, they think they're halfway around the world.

Where are they?

Catalona. Just a couple of miles off the coast.

They flew around in circles for hours to fool them.

How do you know that?

I went on one of these things called a website.

They got all of the inside stuff.

Catalona, we're so close.

If we could just get there, we could tell them what's going on.

All we really need is a boat, right?

Tom?

Ahoy, matey!

What brings you landlubbers down to the salty brine?

Speak English, please.

Oh, excuse me.

What's up?

Tom, have you been watching Family Fakeout? I have.

And I must say that I'm appalled as a sailor and a human being to see a family

that we know and love being tortured like that.

Although I did love that frisky squirrel.

Yeah, me too.

Well, um, it's all our fault.

Um, my fault. I set him up.

I'm doubly appalled.

You could help us, Tom, and you could help Lewis.

Well, Lewis is my friend when it suits him.

And I can accept that.

What can I do?

Can you sail this tub to Catalona?

Welcome aboard.

Welcome to Family Fake Out Primetime.

This afternoon, we wanted to see how far we could push our family until they

finally cracked.

For the answer, let's take a look at what our hidden camera saw.

How could you steal our food?

As usual, Donnie, you have everything backwards.

What? Are you calling me stupid?

No, I am calling you a liar.

You guys had to get back to me, huh? Thank you.

But we got the evidence.

How do you explain this, Lewis?

You stole my food and my shirt.

Give me that, you little wormy. Don't you talk to him like that.

Oh, what, is Beansy your little boyfriend now, right? You do not have a

talk. You cause all the trouble, and you eat all the food. Okay, enough. Enough,

kids. Stop.

You kids shouldn't fight just because your father's trying to teach me a

And what would that be?

Look, Steve, I know that you are upset since you have been out of work and that

you are trying to prove to Ren and Beans that you can put food in their mouths.

What? But couldn't you leave a little something for us?

Don't twist this around.

There wasn't a crumb of food left when we got up there.

It's almost like you're trying to make me look bad.

Now you are losing it.

Don't tell me I'm losing it!

Don't you yell at me in front of my family.

It's my family, too.

Hold on, hold on. Mom, we don't need them. We don't need them. We'll be fine

our own, thank you. Really?

Well, you can sleep out in the rain tonight.

We can, and we will.

Ha! Ha!

Fine! Ha!

Ha! Ha!

Looks like things are getting personal and interesting.

Speaking of which, let's catch up with our hot young couple, Ren and Motai.

Wren, known back home for her boyfriend troubles, is having a little better luck

here on the island.

Wren.

Mutai.

The elders have forbidden me to see you.

Then you should leave.

I can't.

Why not?

Because no matter what they would do to me,

To be away from you would be worse.

I'm sorry.

Everything is falling apart.

You're the only good thing that's happened to me since I've been on the

I would very much like to kiss you now.

What do you think? Will Rin let Mu -Ti kiss her? Vote now on FamilyFakeOut

Don't do it, Rin. He's just an actor.

Oh, but he's so cute.

Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I would very much like to kiss you, too.

But I'm just not ready.

I'm so sorry.

Whoa, there's a surprise.

But the week is still young.

Our family may be splitting up, but Ren and Mutai are definitely heating up.

Blow the man down, matey. Blow the man down. Hey!

It's going to get dark, and I'm getting seasick, so I want a little less singing

and a little more sailing, okay?

Well, excuse me, Benedict Twitty.

Maybe if you don't like a good sea chant, you can just take the bus to

Oh, I see something!

Land ho!

I've always wanted to say that.

Take a seat.

Well, with those rocks and those waves, it looks treacherous.

So I guess this is your stop.

But how do we get on the island?

Oh, you can just hop on my dinghy.

Hey, Jason, way to go, man. All right.

All right, man.

Thanks. Good job, man.

Nice seeing you today, kid. Thanks, Miles.

Almost looked like you liked her.

Well, I do. I mean, my, uh... My character likes it.

Miles, the ratings are in. All right, let me hear it. We beat Gosha by one

point.

It's beautiful, but not quite satisfying enough.

I want to bury them.

Tomorrow, you got to get that kiss.

I think it could happen. And then after you kiss her, dump her.

We're almost there. I think that's the worst.

you guys again i've never met the stevens family okay my name is lars

toast i'm a marine biologist and i'm here on top secret government business

if you'll just let me go wait a minute you're that 20 kid who turned us on to

the stevens family hey you lied to me man you said the show is fun and it's

it's cruel so all that stuff i told you about um you can't use it anymore i see

crate him well create me i don't i don't

Guys, guys, he said trade me. This is a trailer.

Welcome to Family Fakeout. When we left the Stevens, they had split into two

angry factions.

I have a feeling today things can only get worse.

Oh.

So that wasn't so bad, huh?

Ah.

I'm slept on. Yes.

Yeah. No.

for breakfast.

Same as yesterday.

A big fillet full of nothing. Stop being so negative all the time.

Wait a second.

Peanut!

It's divided.

Hold on, hold on.

Muck, can I get the little stubby tail right there? You won't get what she

you. It's my peanut, and you don't even like the tail.

So stop.

Stop it. We will each get a third, and then we will save the stubby little tail

for dessert. Fine, whatever. Let's just eat it. Fine.

That's impossible.

I was stoking it all night.

Morning, everyone.

Hey, Beans, you know what happened to this fire?

Let's see.

I woke up and I had to go to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that is gross.

Well, I hope you're satisfied with it.

Me? What did I do?

You brought the kid along.

On a lousy vacation that you forced us to go on.

Hold on.

You couldn't wait to get out of town after what's -his -name broke up with

Ren, I'm sorry.

I hate this family.

Ren. Steve, wait.

You probably just need some time.

You're probably right.

What?

I want to go home.

All I can say is one day very soon you will be home with your family and it

seem as though none of this was real.

What are you saying? I don't know.

No.

No, the only thing that I want to be real is you.

Okay. That's better. That's better.

I wish that we were the only ones on this island.

That nothing else exists.

That's how I feel when I'm with you.

Another day.

It's not that I didn't want to confuse you.

I just don't want to get hurt again.

What is that?

Their love is so pure.

That is so beautiful.

Gee, maybe you forgot.

I can't do this.

What's wrong?

I'm supposed to break up with you.

I was afraid of this. Go, Red. Go, Red.

Get Tuca in there and get Muay Thai out.

Look, look, you need to know.

Muay Thai!

Muay Thai! This is forbidden!

Ren!

Muay Thai! Get him out of here!

Muay Thai!

Why can't you just leave him alone?

Blame it on our brother Louis.

This is Louis' fault. Yes. Yes.

What? What does he have to do with this?

That is a good question.

Just say Louis told you they were meeting. He's to blame for everything.

Your brother told us about your secret meetings with Mo 'otai. He is to blame

for all your unhappiness.

Louis.

I got this Donnie cat totally freaked out. He don't know whether he's going or

coming.

Dude, dude, dude, dude, take it easy. This stuff's going to be here all day,

okay? All day.

Sweet.

Looks like Ren has picked up the trail.

There you are, little sweet.

You better take your peanut, all right?

Come here.

Oh, not next week!

This is going to be sweet.

I'll show you sweet.

What's going on?

She was just getting ready to nail them. Everything's dead.

That's sweet.

Oh, man, it was just getting good.

Please, stand by.

Hi, Cynthia Mills here. What could be more festive for the holidays than your

own... Ripper!

on the air.

Miles, it's the Twitter kid. He's missing.

I bet he has something to do with this.

You find him.

Great idea. You know, you always know exactly what to do. Go!

Donnie? Donnie?

What are you doing here? No, no, no, not again, not again, okay?

You're not coming to class, right?

I don't know. I have this horrible headache and I don't know how I got

Okay, you're coming with me.

What? So this time people will believe me.

I guess I'm just overly sensitive about this whole job.

Well, the fact that we're starving on an island in the middle of nowhere, that

could have something to do with it.

You know, this couldn't have been a worse vacation if someone had planned it

this way.

So Miles gave you the impression we wanted all the food? Yes, and when we

there, everything was empty.

Same with us. So what happened to it?

There was never any food.

I wouldn't have smelled it. You know what? I think he would have.

You think Miles knew?

I don't know. It seemed like he was always trying to help us.

Yeah, but every time he tried to help us, things got worse.

Okay, how do you explain this?

Honey, what are you doing here?

I don't know.

That's why I'm asking.

How do you explain this?

Okay, there was something I had to tell Lewis.

Where's Lewis? In rent. Hey, guys, look what I found.

I thought this island didn't get cable.

That's what Miles said.

Miles said a lot of things.

Wait, Miles McDermott?

How do you know Miles McDermott?

Oh, it's all coming back to me.

He's on television.

The whole It's a Family fakeout.

Never heard of it.

You haven't? It's the hottest new show. Everybody watches it.

We don't.

You don't?

Of course not.

Because you're on it right now. There are cameras watching you everywhere you

go. It makes sense now.

It was all a setup.

Okay, everybody watching out there.

I knew about it all along.

Miles!

Miles!

This is not funny. This is cruel and humiliating. Okay, joke's over. You can

come out and have a good laugh now.

Not you.

Okay.

Where is everybody?

How long does it take to reconnect a few lousy cable wires?

You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! You're all fired!

Who are you? You're fired!

Fire! Fire!

There is no mandolino. You guys are on Catalona. Oh, that's right off the

I feel like such a jerk.

Well, now you know how I felt when I told you about Patrick Green.

Oh, you're so right, son. I'm sorry if we would have believed you, we would

saved all this trouble.

Hey, guys, over there!

I bet he knows where Miles is. Don't let him get away, Donnie! Hey!

He was a skirt!

Where is he?

Where's you?

Twitty?

I'm really sorry. Do you guys hate me?

Alan, we could never hate you.

What did you do? Nothing.

Just came by to help.

After I sold you guys out.

You know we're on TV?

Actually, right now you're not.

They should be off the air for a little while.

I did some serious scrambling down there.

Oh, that's good. That's good because as embarrassing as this was for us, we

still have a chance to show them that they didn't win. That this is a family

that sticks together.

That's right. So you forgive me?

I didn't say that.

Twitty, what was the last thing people saw on TV?

You were scratching yourself with a stick for a long time. What else?

Beans the smell on a beetle.

Oh, oh, and Ren was trying to kill Lewis.

What?

So are we going to get these suckers or what?

Oh, we're going to get them. But first we've got to get to Ren and Lewis. Come

on.

I want to know who was guarding that sweetie kid and how he got into the

truck. We've got picture. We can go back on the air. All right, people. All

right, people. Let's go. Let's go. You don't have any people. You're fired,

everyone. All right. You're rehired. You're rehired. You're rehired. Let's

people. If there's any justice in this world, Brynn hasn't caught up with Lewis

yet. Come on. Let's go. Get him on camera.

Frankly, I prefer the wonderful jewel tones.

Now, your egg will want to have a pair of little...

how cute you are.

Hey, we're back.

Sorry for the technical difficulties, but that's what makes a live show so

exciting. What about the bunny ears?

Coach! I mean, thank goodness that's over.

Before our break, Lewis was hunting a squirrel and Wren was hunting Lewis.

Keith, where are those kids?

I don't know.

Well, this might be a good time to examine the natural beauty of the

flowers, the trees. We found them.

Later for nature. Let's get back to the action.

Oh, Lewis.

I know you're out there.

Looks like Wren has ticked off.

I wouldn't want to be Lewis right now.

Wren has totally lost it. No, not Wren. She's always in control.

Wow. There's a lot of rage there.

There's a little squirrely.

I just want a little squirrely meat.

Just a leg or thigh, and you can take all your arms.

I just want a thigh and a tuna.

Hey, Ren.

I really liked Muay Thai, but you just couldn't stand to see me happy.

Oh, Ren, what are you talking about?

You ruined my life.

Oh, when?

The day you were born.

Ren, Ren, Ren, your shoe's on fire.

Huh?

You can run.

You can't hide.

We're responsible for these people.

Relax, okay?

She's not going to hurt him.

I'm going to hurt you, Lewis!

This is it, Lewis.

There's nowhere left to run.

Oh, I can't tell you how long I've waited for this day. Wait a little bit

longer.

Hey,

kids.

Great news.

I just spoke to the tribal elders.

They've decided to forgive your family.

You hear that, friend? See, everything's great now. It's great news.

Thank you. See, all's well that ends well, right?

The only thing that's going to end is you.

Okay, Ren, you know I'm afraid of... heights and fears.

Ren! Lewis!

We've been looking all over for you!

Ren! What are you doing? I'm about to solve the Lewis problem.

I'm glad you're here. Ren's a little upset.

This is the perfect time to tell you that you're on a new reality show called

Family Fakeout.

Yeah, that's a nice try, Miles, but it's too late!

We're a million miles from nowhere, and if one of us disappeared, Nobody would

know!

I'd know.

one second okay i think we've had enough fun for one day why don't we get back

to that easter thing that we were having so much fun with or you can flip the

channel and watch us live on gotcha a little bunny tail for its little bunny

oh and it can also be used as a pilot for those of you who are just tuning in

let's hear about how we made a total fool out of my old friend miles on his

show is this really necessary it's necessary

You see, Miles, we may argue sometimes, but it takes a lot more than a cheesy TV

show to rip this family apart. Yeah, right on!

Yeah! Yeah, we figured out everything, Miles.

Except the fire guy.

I mean, how'd you get Oprah to turn against us?

It's okay, sweetheart. We're going to get you some nourishment real soon.

You know, we put this prank together in a matter of just a couple of hours

thanks to family friends Alan Twitty and Tawny Dean. Now, what prompted you two

to call... Gotcha with this great prank.

Guilt and shame.

Okay, I would just like to say that embarrassing innocent people on TV for

and profit is one of the most disgusting... Okay, thank you, kids.

Miles, I'll bet you're wondering, how did the Stevens family turn the tables

you? No, not really.

I gotta get back to the studio.

What for? Your career's over.

That's true. You see, people, When we found Wren, she had Lewis trapped in a

tree, convinced he was the cause of everything that went bad on this island.

When we told the kids it was a setup, they put aside their differences, and we

all came up with this little charade. Hey, Lance, get a shot of those little

scamps, will ya?

Don't they love them all? They're adorable!

Stop, Lewis, look.

Can I go now?

Sure. I'll give you a three -second head start.

Remember, folks... Watch us next week on... Gotcha!

Get him!

Hey,

Ren. Lane's here.

You ready to go?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

You okay?

Sure.

Okay. Yeah.

Look, I... I'm really sorry about blaming you for everything.

Gwen.

Look, I'm your brother.

I love messing with you.

But I would never do anything to hurt you.

I know.

Okay.

Hey, we made a pretty good team, though, right? We made an awesome team. The all

-stars. Me and Miles crying like a baby.

Well, that's going to be the highlight of my summer.

Well, summer's not over.

Might be able to meet a nice guy or something. Huh?

I'm not having that much luck in that department.

Well, forget about luck.

What about Jason?

Who?

Jason.

No.

Jason!

He's a nice guy. End of your business, all right? Talk to him later.

I'm so sorry about all this.

It's okay.

You're an actor.

You know, it's your job. You're doing your job.

And you tried to warn me.

Thing is, I wasn't acting.

What does that mean?

I really care about you.

Chris!

We're leaving.

I gotta go.

Can I see you again?

You can consider that again.

You invited Jason?

Yeah.

For now.

Hey.

Thank you.

You know, this time you didn't ruin things so bad.

All right, too much love.

Everybody get on the plane. Let's go. Bring Mom and Dad.

Ma, come on.

Hey, you know, if there's not enough room, I could swim home.

Don't worry, Twitty. We forgive you.

Really?

Yeah, but you're sitting with beans.

It would have been beautiful.

I think it was.

How We Spent Our Summer Vacation by Dean Zarin Zarin.

Donnie went off to college where he excelled in football, baseball, and

philosophy.

Just kidding about the philosophy.

Mr. Stevens got a new job at a great law firm. He was bringing home the bacon

again. Unfortunately, that's just an expression.

Lewis got back to his ultra -lounge -o -matic super -chair, but he still had

some things to work out.

Brennan Mutai, whose real name is Jason, became inseparable.

Yuck!

As for me, I've been... Plenty of quality time with my favorite family.

What's for dinner? I thought I changed the locks. Mom, this kid scares me. Get

out, Beans. Who invited him? Silly question. Lewis.

Hold on. Why is everything my fault? Okay, come on. You can't blame

on me.

Don't let them fight you, Beans. Your brother, your brother.

Hey,

hey, hey.

Stop. Stop.

Please don't.

I'm gonna fool you.

I'm gonna...