All language subtitles for Nirvanna.the.Band.the.Show.the.Movie.2025.576p.WEB-DL.x264.AAC.2.0-BAROOD

(piano playing melody)

(melody ending)

- Okay, so, we open up,
- Let's say that--

Are we gonna have any,
like, sort of opening,

like when we get on stage,

or are we just gonna
go right into it?

What I was imagining
was dark stage.

- Yeah.
- Backlight, okay?

They see, like, just
a silhouette, okay? Of me.

I like it. Okay.

- With my head down.
- Yeah.

And you're at the piano
and you start going...

(imitating piano melody)
Actually...

- Like what?
- (playing upbeat melody)

No, no, no, no, no.

A little more opening--
opening of a thing,

and I point, and this red
light turns on, and I...

(playing piano)

And red lights go on
all around.

- (playing piano)
- Like that.

And then, like, boom!
On my face.

- At the audience, like that.
- (upbeat piano continuing)

Good evening, folks.
What you're about to see

is something you've
never seen before.

We are Nirvanna the Band.

And you are about to be sent
to the moon!

And then, I do my two-step.

And this is just no talking,

just-- like they just
get to watch me move.

- (upbeat piano continuing)
- Ah!

Hah! And women
in the crowd are like,

"What the fuck is this?!
Who is this guy?"

(grunting)

You didn't know
this was coming!

And then-- right then,
break down.

- Boom!
- Right in.

And then, you start
right in the first song,

which is whatever
we feel there.

If the audience is screaming,

if they're like,
"More, more..."

More opening then. We keep,
like, playing to the audience.

I have a feeling,
that right off the bat,

they're gonna ask
for an encore.

- Okay.
- I think they're gonna be

like, "Again, do
the intro again!"

Matt:
Okay, so, here is the plan.

why does a club book a band?

- Jay: They play good music?
- Matt: No.

- Draw in a good crowd?
- Matt: No.

Jay: Okay.

- Flyers!
- Huh.

Matt:
Flyers that say what?

- Nirvanna the Band.
- Okay.

Flyers that say
Nirvanna the Band,

but what are they
saying to people?

Come see them where?
We don't have a show.

Well, then we're--
We will.

The point of this is to get
The Rivoli to book us, right?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so we--

and we'll have
a picture of us on there.

You know what?
Let's make the flyers,

the plan goes perfectly,
we play at The Rivoli tonight.

Jay, I got a feeling

things are going to work out
okay for us.

(playing melancholy
piano melody)

♪

(piano continuing)

- Jay! I figured it out!
- (footsteps thudding)

- Whoo!
- Okay, so...

Whoa!

This plan is called
the Seventh Inning...

Stretch.

...Skydive.

(chuckling)
Oh.

Step one:
we skydive...

into the...

...SkyDome.

Hold on, wait.

We, during a game, go up
the CN Tower...

(making beeping sounds)

I don't think you can
get up to the very top.

Jump!
(screaming)

Into the open dome.

Whole crowd's gonna go insane
'cause like, "What is this?

"Terrorist attack?"
Actually, we're coming in--

We're gonna have
to have the peace signs...

- Okay, hold on, hold on.
- ...as we float in.

We land in there.

Then, I take the microphone.
Pretend this Orbitz bottle--

Oh, do you know
what Orbitz are?

Pretend it's a microphone.

This is a novelty--
you know what...

- It's our last bottle.
- I...

- Do you know this drink?
- Yes!

I take a microphone.

We've landed.
"Ladies and gentlemen,

"you're probably wondering
why we skydived here--"

skydove here?

"You're probably wondering
why we skydove here."

Skydiven.

- I don't think so. Skydived?
- Hmm.

It's skydived, right?

"You're probably wondering
why we skydived here?"

- Skydived.
- I'm gonna just amend it.

"Ladies and gentlemen,

"you're probably wondering
why we're here."

Because the skydiving is
implied. They saw us do it.

What are you saying
to everyone?

Except for the blind people.

"For those of you who didn't
see what just happened,

"we skydove."

- I'm in the same trap.
- Tell me the plan.

The--

"A bolt of lightning
in every bottle."

God, I miss this stuff.

This might be the last
bottle of this in existence.

Okay, what is happening
with the SkyDome plan?

Well, let's just...
let's just do it.

(playing fanfare)

"Ladies and gentlemen, you're
probably wondering who we are.

"We are Nirvanna the Band.

"And tonight, we are
playing for one night only,

"an exclusive engagement

"at The Rivoli
at Queen and Spadina.

"We'll see you
there after the game."

(playing triumphant flourish)

And then, I'll vamp a bit,
and be like,

"Little bit about us--"

You there in the stands.

Do you have
a show at The Rivoli?

I'm actually asking that
for me, actually.

We don't have a show at The
Rivoli. I know the answer.

I know, but don't you see?
It's that if you build--

So, we're telling everybody to
go to a show that we don't have.

If you build it,
they will come.

It's "If you build it,
they will come."

Right?

Are you sure this
is going to work?

This is gonna be the last plan
you and I ever have to do.

And as far as I'm concerned,

we're playing
The Rivoli tonight.

("Army" by
Ben Folds Five plays)

♪ Well,
I thought about the army ♪

♪ Dad said,
"Son, you're fuckin high" ♪

♪ And I thought, yeah, there's
a first for everything ♪

♪ So I took
my old man's advice ♪

♪ Three sad semesters,
it was only fifteen grand ♪

♪ Spent in bed,
I thought about the army ♪

♪ I dropped out and
joined a band instead ♪

♪

♪ Grew a moustache
and a mullet ♪

♪ Got a job at Chic-fil-A

♪ Citing artistic
differences ♪

♪ The band broke up in May

♪ And in June,
reformed without me ♪

♪ And they got
a different name ♪

♪ I nuked another
grandma's apple pie ♪

♪ And hung my head in shame

♪ Oh...

♪ Been thinking a lot today

♪ Been thinking a lot today

♪ Oh-oh

♪ Think I'll
write a screenplay ♪

♪ Oh-oh

♪ Think I'll take it to LA

♪ Oh-oh

♪ I think I'll get it done
yesterday ♪

♪ Aw, shit

Matt:
Take a good look, Jay.

This is the last time
you're going to see

The Rivoli as a citizen.

As a citizen?

'Cause tonight,
we're playing the show.

We're playing the show.

We're going to be
loading in right there.

You'll have your
keyboard under your arm.

Ah!

The girls taking
your picture.

The girls are not going
to be taking my picture.

Oh, yes, they will!

- You wanna bet?!
- No, they're not!

Do you wanna bet they're
gonna take your picture?

♪

Hi.

- Good.
- Uh, it's a parachute.

Actually,
that's what this is for.

We need something that--
like, that can cut through--

like, we're going
to be quite up high,

and I think they're going to
have a safety harness on us

or something like that.

And would snippers
like this,

would they be able
to cut through,

like, a kind of harness?

So, here's-- we are gonna be
up on, um--

on the CN Tower, in one of--
on the EdgeWalk,

where we're wearing
the safe--

I think they put
a safety vest on you,

and we need something
that can, like,

cut through the rope
or the cable on it.

Do you know what I mean?

But-- Oh, I'm not cutting
through elect--

I'm cutting through fabric,

I'm not cutting through
a live wire.

What happens
if we're not even allowed

in the security with these?

But I think that--

Right. But...

But...

But these will cut
through cable, possibly.

Look, there's Spider-Man.

(car horns honking)

So, how do we get in here?

It might be a little
too high, Matt.

Excuse me.

Is this the line to
get into the CN Tower?

Thanks a lot. I've got to
jump off it, actually.

Where is your accent from?

Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm Matt. How you doing?

Enjoy your trip.
Have a good time.

Okay. All right. So,
we just join the line. Bye.

Jay: Matt,
I'm afraid of heights.

Matt: Shut up.
Hi. How you doing?

We're just going up the--
we're just going up the tower.

(chuckling)

Just put--
Just put our keys in here?

Jay: I have a wireless mic.
Here.

And pack.

(beeping)

(beeping)

Matt: Oh! Oh, yeah,
I have my clippers.

I have my clippers, too.

I have these... clippers.

Uh, I guess I just have them.
I don't need them.

Matt:
Oh, they're for just cutting

Matt: Sure, sure, sure.

Matt: No, don't worry.

Thank you.
Don't worry about it.

Thank you.

Man: Are you ready to walk
116 stories above Toronto

with nothing but a harness
securing you?

Jay: Is that how high
up we're going to be?

This is EdgeWalk--

That's not how high up we're
gonna be.

Don't tell me that's how high
up we're gonna be.

Man: ...view of Canada's
biggest city

and the knowledge that
you have been truly

on top of the world.

Are you ready to step up and
touch the sky?

Guide: This one goes
on the back,

this one goes on the front.

This one acts like
a seat belt,

so, it will move
with you as you move.

Any sudden actions,
it will lock up...

The pad will be bumping
you on the back of the head.

Love that tap,

it means you are still
attached to the rail.

Just don't touch it.

♪

And then, we actually had
a citizenship ceremony

up there once, and we actually
had the judge wear a tux.

We even had proposals
happen out there.

Woman:
What about the ring?

(cheering)

Announcer:
The skies are threatening

and you will be able
to see the SkyDome close,

as we are about to say
so long to the CN tower,

at least, visually.

(beeping)

Guide:
My gosh, guys,

look at that beautiful view

that we have
right now hitting us, right?

Oh, my God, guys!
That is a long way down!

Come and take a look,
everybody.

Come and get it! Come here.
There you go.

You go there. Exactly.

(wind gusting)

You're just walking a
Guinness World Record,

EdgeWalk is the highest
external hands-free walk

in the world...

- All right.
- Jay: Uh...

Guide: Guys, take a look
all the way down.

Whoa, is that supposed
to do that?

- Guide: It's perfect.
- Jay: Okay.

Guide: I'm gonna move
to the front.

All right, everybody, now...
welcome to EdgeWalk.

(cheering)

Right now, we are 356...
(static crackles)

(guide speaking indistinctly)

Guide: It's the highest
observation deck

in the Western Hemisphere.
I can see...

♪

Jay: No, no!

(screaming)

(radio static hissing)

(screaming cutting in and out
on microphone)

Matt: Here we go!

Jay:
The dome is closing!

Matt:
We've got time!

Okay, we're coming in hot!

Oh, too much!

(Matt grunting)
Oh, fuck!

Jay: Oh (bleep)!

- (thudding)
- (groaning)

Matt: Are you all right?

- Are you all right?
- Jay: Get (bleep) off of me!

Matt: Whoa!
I'm trying to help you.

Jay: You pushed me off
the tower!

What, are you crazy?
I thought I was going to die!

Matt:
But you're okay.

- Jay: Oh my God! It's closed!
- Matt: Yeah.

Jay: We didn't even
make it in time!

Matt: Well, maybe there's a
way to open it. Let's try--

Jay: So we almost died and
the plan didn't even work.

Oh my God.
The plan is over.

Matt: You know what, we're
gonna find another way inside.

Jay:
It didn't work. Again!

("Borrowed Time"
by Tom Martin plays)

♪

♪ Well, did you know

♪ That I was one of those
you left behind ♪

♪ You were up and gone
without a goodbye ♪

♪ They all said that you were
not the kind to stick around ♪

♪ I only wish I'd known
that it was time ♪

♪ The evenings on the highway
coming down to be with you ♪

♪ I couldn't wait to eat
your home-cooked meal ♪

♪ At nighttime,
in the moonlight ♪

Matt: Well, that's ironic.
What did I say,

"next time we see The Rivoli,
it's gonna be..."

(chuckling) Oh, Jesus.

But you know what?

Maybe we still got time for
another plan. What, uh...

Excuse me.
Do you know what time it is?

Thank you very much. 9:03?

Not a lot-- no. We got--

We got a lot of night left.

Uh, Bird?

Yeah, it's The Rivoli.

Bird.

Oh, Jesus.

Are you guys playing--

Are you guys playing the show
tonight?

Lucky!

What did you have to do
to score that?

(thunder crashing)

Did you see that?

Lightning
just hit the CN Tower!

Jay, isn't that
like a bad omen?

We were just there.

Jay!

If you think about it,
we were off by what...

Three minutes?
Two minutes?

That's your classic--
Whoo!

If we had a time machine,

we would have fixed that right
away, do you know what I mean?

Oh, Bird, I got an idea!

Forget an idea.
I think I figured it out.

Listen to this:
time machine plan.

Bird,

we pretend to be from
the future.

We build a-- Oh, my God.

We take the RV
in the backyard,

deck it out like
the DeLorean in Back-- in--

yeah, in Back to the Future.
We could build, like,

a fake contraption with like--
what do they have?

The flux capacitor
and all that stuff,

just like Doc Brown has.

It's like-- like, uh,
dates and times,

in, like, um...
analogue numbers.

And we hire an actor
to pretend to be

- a post office guy...
- (flies buzz)

...to um, deliver...
(belching)

...deliver a video, saying
that it's from the past.

So, it's the past and
the future coming together.

That's when we show up,
coughing,

we got the dry ice coming out
of the machine. (coughs)

Bird?

Bird?

Oh, you're-- I see,

you're like,
"Work's done for the day.

"We've done too much.
It's time to play."

No problem.

What's that?
Bird's favourite game?

Okay, ready?

Bird.

(toy gun clicking)

You're Batman.
(chuckles)

Goodnight, Matt.

All right, well...

Uh...

Bird, I'm gonna get started!

("Johnny B. Goode"
by Chuck Berry playing)

Doc Brown: This readout tells
you where you're going,

this one tells you
where you are,

this one tells you
where you were.

You input your destination
time on this keypad.

♪ Deep down in Louisiana
close to New Orleans ♪

♪ Way back up in the woods
among the evergreens ♪

The flux capacitor.

♪ There stood a log cabin
made of earth and wood ♪

♪ Where lived a country boy
named Johnny B. Goode ♪

♪ Who never ever learned
to read or write so well ♪

♪ But he could play a guitar
just like a-ringin' a bell ♪

(screaming)

♪ Go, go

♪ Go, Johnny,
go, go ♪

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go

♪ Johnny B. Goode

(phone line ringing)

Hi, um...

I was thinking about, uh,

coming to play the open mic.

Matt: Jared!
(knocking)

Jared! Hey!

Where do we keep
the old cameras in here?

I need to find the
old cameras from way back.

Jared:
They're in the bin.

Matt:
Oh, yes. Okay.

My name is Matt Johnson,
if you're watching this,

I need your help.

I mistakenly invented
a time machine,

and I played with it
like a fool.

I went back
to the year 2008,

and I have done something that
has set off a chain of events

that has destroyed
the future!

Oh my God. Okay. And you're
in Ottawa, right? So...

How far away is Ottawa?
I'm in Toronto.

Rivoli,
I am about to appear

in the year 2025,
in your time!

And it is of vital importance
that you let me and my band,

Nirvanna the Band, play a
show at the Rivoli tonight,

in order to undo what I did!

So... do you have
to be a band or a duo

or can you be... solo?

Watch!
It's a full time machine!

I have the flux capacitor,
I have the, uh, batteries...

Oh, man, I left my Orbitz
in that stupid thing.

Let's do it again where
I don't have the-- oh, shit!

Oh, fuck! We gotta do it--

No! No! Oh, fuck!

Oh, no!
(blowing)

Oh, fuck! Oh, Jesus!
(blowing)

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- (alarm beeping)

(blowing)
Uh... Oh, my God.

Uh...
(blowing)

Jared: Put it out!
You got it?

Matt: Oh, is that even
gonna do anything?

- Jared: Put it out!
- Yeah, I'm trying to put--

So, I have a show booked,
essentially?

I said I have a show
booked tomorrow?

See you tomorrow night.
Okay. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

(coughing)
Oh, fuck.

And the lights on it
is what made it look good

in the first place.

- Now, it's just like, junk.
- (Crashing)

Oh.

Shit.

(birds chirping)

(stairs creaking quietly)

(exhaling quietly)

(Jay panting)

("Holiday" by
Turnstile plays)

♪

♪ Now it's a holiday

♪ Now it's a holiday

(song continuing
on stereo)

♪ I wanna free up
from the vine ♪

♪ I wanna celebrate

♪ Close enough to feel and
now it's time to disappear ♪

♪ I wanna celebrate

♪ So I can never feel
the cold ♪

(engine revving)

(thudding)

♪...never feel the cold

♪ I can never feel
the cold ♪

♪ Now it's a holiday

- Ah!
- Ah! (bleep)!

- Aah!
- Jay: Matt?

- Ah!
- Ooh!

(bleep)!

What the (bleep)
are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- Oh, (bleep)!

Hey, Matt.
(laughing)

- What is this (bleep)?
- Uh, um.

- I'm being kidnapped?
- Um...

I-- I needed
to just take it.

Okay, hold on.
Just tell me what's going on.

Jay: I will. Yeah, okay.

'Cause I don't
wanna get angry.

- You know how...
- "You know how" what?

- You know how when you--
- "How when" what?

- If you just went, uh...
- If you went when how what?

I'm getting fucked over,
aren't I?

No, no, no,
I was just, um, uh...

Okay, listen to this...

time machine plan.

Matt:
What are you doing?

Doing the time machine plan.

Doing-- Doing
the time machine plan?

Did you say you're "Doing
the time machine plan"?

Yeah.

Oh, we're going to
The Rivoli right now?

- Yes.
- Oh!

(engine revving)

That's why
you're driving so fast?

Jay: Yeah. Um, and as far
as I'm concerned,

we are playing
the Rivoli tonight.

- Jay, watch out! Watch out!
- (streetcar bell dinging)

- (tires squealing)
- Ah!

(grunting)

Oh my God. Oh, I saw a flash
of white light, and then a...

And then, it's--
(groaning)

Jay: Where did that
streetcar come from?

(grunting)
Ah, fuck I hit my ass.

Oh, my God.

Ah.
(wincing)

How you doin'?

Sorry about this.
(laughing)

It could've been
a lot worse. Right?

Like, could've been a lot--
could've been a lot worse.

Bird?

You're missing
a great visual joke.

Uh, I'm gonna go.

- Sure, let's go.
- Uh, no, no, no.

- We should clean this up.
- Yeah, let's clean this up.

Oh.
Whoa.

Oh, my God.
Look at this.

Oh, my God.

What the hell?

Oh, someone else
got a show at The Rivoli.

Goddamn it.

- You know, I gotta go.
- What?

Oh, 'cause
you're mad about this?

We're gonna get the show.
I promise.

Hey, look at that, tourists.
Tourists, Bird.

Hi.
Welcome to Toronto.

Come check us out
at The Rivoli later!

Jay: But we don't have
a show...

Well, we-- we
could be playing any day.

(Black Eyed Peas' "Let's Get
It Started" plays on speaker)

Uh... Toron...
I know this looks bad.

We just hit this Now Magazine
box with our RV by accident.

This doesn't speak
for Toronto generally.

Enjoy.

Okay, we gotta clean this up
and get outta here.

- Yeah, uh, you know what?
- Yeah?

You clean this up.

I'll take the RV to the shop,
make sure there's no damage.

Matt: Come on. We'll move
this thing in two minutes,

if you just help me...
help me lift this up.

Jay:
Yeah, okay.

(grunting)

Matt: I don't know what
the hell you're talking about.

- Let's go see a movie.
- See a...

Let's see a movie together.
Look. We're right here.

When's the last time you and
I saw a movie together,

like friends?

You want to see a movie?

You like that?

Yeah!
Right now?

- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Hey.

We gotta wait for
The Rivoli to open anyway.

And it's dark in there.

What'd you say?

Jay?

It's the weekend, Budnick.

I don't know you.
You do not exist.

Shit.

(laughing)

Nice car.

Jay: I'm just gonna go
to the bathroom.

Matt: What do you mean?
The movie just started.

Goodbye, Matt.

What are you doing?

Move!
What...

Sorry.
Yeah.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah, go.

Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me.

Melissa on screen: Not to
mention, it's pathetic.

Goodbye, Matt.

Right.

- And the worst part is...
- Jesus Christ.

(music swelling)

(crowd laughing)

Stu:
I was just gonna say that.

Melissa: See?

I just wish your friends
were as mature as you.

They are mature, actually.

You just have
to get to know them better.

Phil:
Paging Dr. Faggot!

(audience laughing loudly)

Dr. Faggot!

(audience laughing)

Stu: I should go.

That's a good idea,
Dr. Faggot.

(audience laughing loudly)

Uh-oh.

♪

- (horn honking)
- Oh, I'm sorry!

- (horn honking)
- Sorry!

Okay.

- Matt: Jay. Jay!
- (Jay laughing)

- Jay, Jay!
- Jay: (bleep). Oh, (bleep).

Um, uh, um...

Jay.

Yeah. I was, uh...

Matt: Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I-I can explain this, okay?

Actually, Matt... I need to--

It's 2008.

What?

The time machine worked
somehow and we are in 2008.

Do you--
Do you understand?

We are--
We are time travelers.

Okay, no.

Um, yeah. Look.
I'll prove it to you.

Watch, watch, watch.
The time machine works.

Look, okay?
Uh, look.

- (beeping)
- Okay. We'll go to...

(beeping, chiming)

Okay, watch this.

- (engine revving)
- Hold onto your butts!

- (engine revving)
- Ah!

I'm accelerating us
to 88 kilom--

or is it miles an hour?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa...

Matt: Just watch! You'll be
laughing in a second.

- (engine revving)
- Okay. Come on.

Come on!

80. 85!

Can you...
Can you slow down?

Matt:
88! Hold on to something!

(time machine
fizzling, beeping)

What?!

Oh, no!

Okay, something must be
wrong with this thing.

Hold on. I'll fix it.
I'll fix it.

Goddamn it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay, okay.

Matt: So this...
2008, this is right.

Was it the time thing?
What is...

Um, all right,
I can figure this out.

- I can figure this out.
- Goodbye, Matt.

Where are you going?!

Jay!
You can't...

You can't go out there.
It's too... too...

What's he doing?
Bird, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- (honking RV horn)
- Jay!

Bird, Bird!

- (honking RV horn)
- You can't go out there.

(horns blaring)

What year is it?

Oh, (bleep).

Oh, (bleep)!

- Jay: Matt?
- Matt: Yes?

- It's 2008.
- I told you!

(tires screeching)

I'm gonna find a place
to hide this RV.

(tires squealing)

(thudding)

Okay, I think
we're safe here.

We're not safe.

Well, I just mean
nobody's gonna notice us.

You know, you really
(bleep) us up. This is--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- This is (bleep).

You were the one--
I did not do anything.

Huh?

You're the one
who was driving the car.

And then, I'm instantly
in a car accident.

I didn't see-- like a
streetcar came out of nowhere.

It didn't come out of nowhere.
It was just there in 2008.

And when we
went through the flash...

- Yeah.
- ...we appeared.

It's just like in
Back to the Future one.

No, or Back to
the Future Two.

It happens in Back to
the Future Three as well.

(bleep). We gotta figure
how to get back.

- Yes.
- How do we even go back?

We must've gone through like
a wormhole or something.

We are trapped in 2008.
The question is

"How can we use this
to get a show at The Rivoli?"

No, hold on. Like, that--
that's secondary now, okay?

First things first.

Okay, so we have travelled...

here, into 2008.

This is us now.

Goddamn it.

So, we're gonna go
forwards back to 2025,

but this will be a new 2025
if we change anything here.

Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

It was an Ashton
Kutcher movie.

Both: Butterfly Effect.

Anything we affect could
have insane ramifications.

So our present
can get changed?

Matt: We could come back
to a future where

The Rivoli doesn't exist.

Or maybe another venue, like
maybe somewhere in Ottawa.

Forget that! What if we come
back and, all of a sudden,

you-- you're not
a piano player anymore?

Maybe I'm a drummer
and we're a ska band.

No Doubt before Gwen Stefani.
Have you heard that music?

Look it up.
Have you heard it?

- Let's keep thinking about--
- Let's focus on the plan.

You built
a toy time machine.

- Uh-huh.
- And then it worked...

- Somehow.
- ...but now it's broken.

Maybe you need to just
sort of look under the hood.

Wait.

Maybe something's
just loose.

It is broken.
I broke it last night.

I spilled the Orbitz on it.

Jay: Holy (bleep).

Matt: But it's back on.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- This--

Oh, no!
I ruined it!

Oh, I fucking ruined it!

That's too stupid, isn't it?

What?
Tell-- Talk to me.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Bird, this is gonna
sound crazy.

What? What did it do?

The Orbitz!
I spilt a bottle of Orbitz.

- Is there any left?
- No. I'm out.

Um, but we just
need to find a way

to get another bottle
or something like that.

But that was
your last bottle.

There wasn't even any left
back now, in 2008.

They stopped
making this in 1999.

I know, it was such a big deal
when we found that whole--

That's right.

This is my last bottle
in 2025,

but in 2008,
we still have a whole case.

At the apartment.
That's where we gotta go.

And that means, you guys,
you can't be out here with--

waving your cameras
around like that.

Because, look, they've got
the futuristic video cameras.

- They're looking--
- Exactly, they're like--

Matt: Look at Luca.
He looks like...

He looks like he's from
The Matrix.

So this whole 2008 sequence,
which would be very hard

to fake if this were
not really 2008,

will not be filmed.

Oh, use the old camera?

Yeah, okay,
in that case, you can.

Yeah, okay.
You have to use this.

♪

Oh, my God.

Ah!
Oh, wow.

Goths.

Jay: Wow.

Matt: Real goths.

Look at the gothness of it.

They're goths!

Wow.

Men forgot that's a great way

to score girls
way out of your, uh...

Matt.

What?

That guy looks just like me.
See the guy down there?

Matt:
That guy looks like me.

He's got your hat.

Jay, it's us.
That's us.

Holy (bleep).

Oh, look. They even have
a little Jared.

Jared...
there's you filming us.

Oh, my God.
Look how young he looks.

Past Matt: Actually, no, here.
Jay, put one right here.

- Where?
- Put right here.

No, on this side with me.
On this side with me.

- Okay.
- Come to this side.

No, no, no, put one
right against this thing.

- Okay.
- On this side!

What the hell
are we doing?

That's, uh, we're... we're...
It's a plan.

This is one of
my classic plans. Look.

Flyer plan!
Oh, my God!

That's a good plan!

How did this not work?
We should do this plan again.

Jay, I got a feeling

things are gonna
work out okay for us.

Is that a cop? Are those
police officers looking at us?

Let's go down this way.
Let's just walk down this way.

Oh, shit!
Hide, hide!

Do you think
that guy looks like me?

That guy?
Looks like me.

It's 'cause
he's got that hat.

(laughing)
Sick.

Guy looks like you.

Okay, okay,
this is our chance.

- Come on.
- Yeah, yeah.

- It's caught on my--
- That's my jacket.

- You put it inside out.
- Come on, come on, come on.

Your hat!

Sorry, sorry.

- Uh, okay.
- Okay, let's just go.

- Let's go!
- Matt: Yeah, right.

Oh, God.
Man, it's open.

Remember our old apartment?

- (laughing)
- Okay, all right.

Jay:
Okay, quick in and out.

Matt: Yeah, I think
we left the Orbitz

on top of the oven, right?

Jay: Yeah, but we can't
touch anything else.

Matt: Oh, right yeah,
Butterfly Effect.

This is just
like Aladdin.

Touch nothing
but the Orbitz.

Jay: Go.

Okay.
We gotta make it seem--

- They're right there.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm getting the Orbitz,
and then we're outta here.

- Okay.
- Come on, come on.

It's empty.

Jay: Look. Look around.
Look around for them.

- Come on.
- Find 'em!

Where the fuck are they?

(grunting)
Fuckin' loot the place!

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

(muffled talking,
footsteps on stairs)

- Oh, (bleep)!
- Oh, my God.

(muffled talking,
footsteps approaching)

Jay:
No, not Jared, not Jared.

Matt: Why not?
Why not?

(group whispering)

Past Matt: Okay, we gotta
rehearse, we gotta rehearse.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Past Jay:
Think it's gonna work?

Past Matt: As far as
I'm concerned,

we are playing
The Rivoli tonight.

So, what were we doing
before we left?

(playing piano)

Do I have a driver?
No, I'm driving myself.

Past Jay:
What do we cut to?

Past Matt:
He's on his way there.

- Past Jay: Oh, okay, uh...
- Actually, you know what?

Let's just cut right
to the fight.

Past Jay: Okay.
(playing piano)

You're on your last legs,
Creamed Corn.

You should've thought twice
before you crossed Can Opener.

For God's sakes.

My name is
your arch nemesis--

You shoulda thought twice
before you crossed me...

(muttering)

"Go to jail?"
Did you say, "Go to jail"?

Jared: Could go to jail.

Oh, yeah,
illegal time travel.

- "I hereby sentence you--"
- Is that true?

That's what he's saying,
jail for this.

- Jail?
- Jail.

Ridiculous.

Past Matt: I have you now,
Creamed Corn!

Let him come fuckin' find me.

Let him find me.

What I'm gonna do.
I'll grab my young self.

(imitating thuds)

♪ Castlevania, Fatal Fury,
Ninja JaJaMaru-kun ♪

♪ ActRaiser, Blazing Lazers,
Bases Loaded, Mega Turrican ♪

♪ Cybernator, Rolling Thunder,
Dynastic Hero ♪

♪ Bubble Bobble,
Double Dribble ♪

- ♪ Double Dragon, F-Zero
- Jay: I get it.

Past Matt: Creamed corn,
you son of a bitch!

- (piano plays)
- What? You didn't think

a super villain
named Can Opener would be--

(snoring)

I think they're gone.

- Hey.
- What?

Shh, shh.
I think they're gone.

Let's go.
Let's go. Perfect.

- Okay, okay.
- Let's get out.

♪

(mouthing words)

Jay, I thought you were--
wanted to sleep.

Let's do--
Let's do a quick rehearsal.

Sure, I'll play something
on the piano.

- Past Matt: Are you there?
- Jay: Yeah.

- (piano sounding)
- Matt: I'll go look upstairs.

(Jay playing piano)

(muffled piano)

(Jay playing piano)

I feel like
we've played that before.

I feel like we played
that before.

Do a... Just something new.
Do something new.

(Jay playing piano)

♪

(muffled piano)

(laughing)

Matt.

(grunting)

Hey.

(muffled piano continues)

What are you doing?

Oh, this is...

I'm visiting you
in your dream...

to bring you
this idea for a song

to play with the band.

(Jay playing piano)

And this is--
and I'm a spirit.

And I'm a Dickensian spirit

to bring you
the melody of this song.

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do

♪ Do-do-do-
do-do-do ♪

Oh, you!
(laughing)

(Jay repeating melody
on piano)

Good night.
(laughing)

Bye.

(exhaling sharply)

(snoring)

(Jay playing piano)

(snoring)

- (snoring softly)
- Got it.

(Past Matt snoring)

(footsteps approaching)

Hey.

Hey... Bird.

I had a crazy dream.

I heard this... song.

♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun

And you were there,
you were a spirit.

Des-- Descended spirit?

Right...

Hey, let's watch some TV.

Reporter:
The H1N1 flu virus...

(sighing)
H1N1.

Oh, yeah.
It's, uh, swine flu.

Maybe they'll get a, uh...
(laughing)

...a vaccine that they force
us all to take for that.

Past Jay: Oh, I forgot
to tell you about my grandma.

My mom's going to Montreal
right now to visit her.

She might have to be
put in a home.

Pretty...

It's pretty real stuff,
you know?

Getting old is...
Not looking forward to it.

Matt:
You know, um, the truth is,

if you got a... best friend,

you won't even notice
getting older.

(laughing)

♪

Do you like Russell Peters?

Matt: (sighing loudly)
Okay, big question.

He was doing race comedy
at the right...

Man, I mean, it's so...

Russell...
Oh, dude, it's 2008?

I don't like him.

Matt: Yeah, I'm sayin'
the same thing.

Okay, I, uh, I gotta go.

Past Jay: All right,
well, you know,

I'm gonna take a shower
or something and then...

Great.

I'll be ready
in like half hour

and we can go over...
whatever, or something.

Go over ever--
Go over what?

Past Jay: That's right.
I don't know.

- Get rid of him.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, yes, yes, yes.

You want me to light off
some fireworks?

Wonderful.
Fire-- Perfect.

- Yep, good.
- All right.

- Matt: Great.
- That was stupid.

Goodbye, Jay.

Whew.

(both laughing)

- I was about to make--
- Let's go, let's go.

I was about to make
a really big mistake today.

Matt: Sorry.
You what?

I was about to make
a really big mistake today.

- This morning...
- Yes?

...I was trying to escape.

I was trying to escape.
Leave. You.

The band.
Everything.

(laughing)

I thought that I could go
and become famous without you.

I got it,
I got it, I got it.

- (laughing)
- Are you mad?

(scoffs)

(mouthing words)

I'm embarrassed.

Why would I be?

No, I...

Why-- Why don't we--

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Wait. Are you saying--
So... (muttering)

Okay--

(chuckling)
I'm kidding.

Okay.

Okay, okay,
but the whole point though...

The whole point,
the whole point--

Matt, wait-- wait.
Hey, where are you going?

Where are you going?
Matt, Matt.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Ah!

Matt, what are you doing?

We can't change anything.

Hey.
You'll be better off, right?

We're gonna see
who's gonna be better off.

Don't. Stop.

(Past Matt snoring softly)

♪

Okay... So...

(beeping)

July-- I'm setting
the time machine!

- (beeping)
- July 10th, 20--

Jay: Tenth? No, no, no.
We went back on the 12th.

The 12th.

Matt: We're going back
two days earlier.

So that I can do
the skydive plan myself.

Fine.

♪

(zapping)

♪

Matt: Go!

(engine revving)

♪

(zapping)

(bleep)!
Not again!

- (groaning)
- (cheering distantly)

Oh.
(grunting)

Oh, my God.

- (groaning)
- (chattering on radio)

I hit my ass.

Oh, my God. I hit my ass.

(panting)

(laughing)
I hit my ass.

Bird.

Radio announcer:
This is Roz and Mocha...

(chattering on radio)

Jay?

Woman: You're listening to my
boys, Roz and Mocha.

(grunting)

Jay?!

- (bike bell ringing)
- Oh, sorry.

♪

- (bike bell ringing)
- (gasping)

♪

Jay?

I'm home!

Okay.

It's all the same.

What the--

Very funny. Very funny.

Nice one, Jay!

(chuckling)

You gotta give him credit.
That's a good bit.

So, now I'm the dr--
Now, I'm the drummer.

(playing drums)

Man:
Matt?!

Jay?!

Man: We figured it
out, buddy.

Woo! We got it.
We got it. We got it.

We figured it out.

We've got the plan, okay?
(clapping)

All right. So...

So, you know how
we've had trouble

getting tickets
to the show, right?

Turns out there is an
additional traunch

of tickets being
released exclusively

to Visa Avion
Infinite Privilege

private banking
card holders, okay?

Man #2: Top.
Top of the top.

Now, there is one individual
who we know

who has a Visa Avion
Infinite Privilege

private banking card,
and that is--

My aunt.

Ethan's aunt.

Michael and I
arrive to her door,

we share with her
that we, too, are Chinese.

- What?
- Michael: Our whole lives.

Our whole lives.

Born-- Born in Chin--
Born in China.

His father's white,
mother's Chinese.

First language Chinese.

Both of my parents
are Chinese.

Okay, okay. So, let me--
let me-- let me get this--

Let me, uh,
get this straight.

Man: Okay.

Jay McCarrol hired you guys.

You're improvisers and you're
here to teach me a lesson--

You're already off.

- We're door-to-door salesmen.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I'm saying
the jig's up, guys.

Jay hired you to teach me
a lesson about what it's like

to be on the receiving
end of these insane plans.

Jay, I get it. I'm sorry that
my plans are so ridiculous.

I see now that,

yeah, maybe I could be
a little bit more, um...

What's the word? Why am I
even telling this to you guys?

Okay, yes.
(clapping)

Congratulations.
Very good.

That was extremely well done.

The troika of Matt Johnson
divided into three.

I love that I've got
an Asian part of me.

Maybe that's my sensitivity.
(chuckling)

So, um,
I guess all that's left

is for me to kick your ass.

- What?
- Dude. Matt.

- Matt: Who's first?
- What's happening?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why do I have this?

Ethan:
Why do you have what?

Why do I have that?

- We all have them.
- Dude...

Matt: How did--

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What is this plan for?

It's the Jay McCarrol concert.
To get tickets.

You're trying to get tickets
to a Jay McCarrol concert,

because Jay McCarrol
is a famous musician.

Yeah.

And I am...

In a Jay McCarrol
cover band.

♪

(panting)

Whoa! Sorry.

♪

Yeah.

He's on everything. Yeah.

Okay. Nice meeting you.

(man speaking indistinctly)

♪

You think you'd be famous
without me?

You'd be famous right now.

You'd be famous right now.
Right?

If it weren't for me.

TTC Voice:
Next stop Chestnut Street.

Your life would have been
better if you never met me?

I don't know.
I don't know.

Well, there's a way
to find out.

There's a way to find out.

- Easy. Don't--
- No, no, no.

We can't change anything.

Matt: Yeah, well, I know
something we can change.

(shushing)

You'll wake him up.
You'll wake him up.

(all shouting)

It worked, baby! Okay.
We gotta go! We gotta go!

Michael:
It was way more fun

than I thought
it was going to be.

Ethan:
Got your bag?

Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Let's go, let's go.

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen.

May I have
your attention, please?

It's time for
the final countdown.

(audience cheering)

The show starts in...

- (dance music plays)
- ten...

...nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four...

three, two, one. Go!

(audience cheering)

Jay:
Hello, Toronto!

(audience cheering)

- (replaying melody)
- (audience cheering)

(audience cheering)

♪ So sorry,
I've missed you ♪

♪ Hair, always
whipping round ♪

♪ So high up,
got my chin up ♪

♪ I don't care
if I never come... ♪

(chattering)

Man: He's not even
breaking a sweat.

- (people chatting)
- He's insane, man.

Think if I told him
my username he'd remember me?

- Your what? Sorry?
- From what?

- Oh, from the forums.
- Yeah.

Man: Maybe.

Okay. Thank you. Okay.

I'll be-- I'll be--
I'll be right back.

Jay, hey, hey, hey.
No. He's my friend.

This-- He's my--
He's my best friend.

He's my best friend.
He's my best friend.

- Jay: Yeah, no. It's okay.
- Jay, it's me.

This is crazy I found you.
What the fuck is going on?

Look at this.

Okay, I think that we have to
get back in the time machine

and figure out
how to do this again,

or, like, some other
version of this,

because there's gotta be a way
that we can do this

where we're both, where it's,
like--

where Nirvanna the Band
gets this.

Guys, you have to meet
my old friend, Matt.

What?

God. You look good.

It's been, like, what?
17 years.

Unbelievable.

You know, we actually
used to have a band together.

To give you an idea,
it was called...

- No. No, no.
- ...Nirvanna the Band.

- Wait.
- (laughing)

Woman: No way.

No, no, no. Bird,
you gotta remember. Hold on.

Jay:
Yeah, yeah. I remember.

No, no, no. I'm saying you--
No, but you gotta remember.

- You gotta remember.
- Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah!

Yeah, it's all good.

Look at me. Look at me.
Bird, it's me.

It's me. Jay--

- I hope you've been well.
- Jay. No, no, no.

You've gotta remember.
Jay. You gotta! No, Jay!

Jay, Jay, Jay!
You gotta remember!

Bird, Bird, Bird.
You gotta remember!

It's me! It's me!

This isn't right!
We're in the wrong timeline!

Bird! Jay!

You guys want
a photo or something?

Matt: Jay!

(panting)

Excuse me, sorry. Sorry.

(car honking)

♪

Oh, no.

Jay!

(voice echoing)

("Never Come Down" playing)

- (crowd clamouring)
- Jay: Thank you, sir.

Man #1:
Jay, I love you.

Man #2:
Looking clean, Jay.

♪ I don't care if
I ever come down ♪

"Did Jay McCarrol...

"write
'Never Come Down'?"

I was in a bad
living situation

and I was having
a lot of nightmares.

This song came to me in
a dream, it ended up being,

well, a genius hit song.

As you guys already
know with this track,

it is an absolute classic,

and has sustained
Jay McCarrol's career

for well over
a decade now at this point.

I heard you're scared
of clowns.

I'm not afraid of clowns.

But I heard that you were.

(both shouting)

I'm out here--
Uh-oh. Richard.

(laughing)

Jay McCarrol
is in the building!

- (hosts applauding)
- Hey, guys.

- Jay, welcome back to it.
- How're you doing?

Mocha: It is so good to
see you here today.

Wow. Yeah.

You're here, but you're not
gonna be here for long,

because you are about to go
and shake the world.

And what's sort of going
through your head right now?

Have you prepped for this?
Can you prep for this?

(smacking lips)
Yes.

So, when you go
through these moments,

whether it's with
a song or a tour

or a show or an award
or whatever it is,

we all still have
somebody in our life

that we want to make proud,
you know what I mean?

No matter how
successful you get,

you still have that person
you want to make proud.

Like, who's the first
call you make

when you walk off the stage,

where you're like, "God,
this, I gotta share this"?

Who's the call
that you make?

I, uh--

Like a-- Like a friend.
Who's your best friend?

(bleep) Not again! Ah!

♪ I don't care if
I never come down ♪

♪

(bleep)

You good?

MJ?

Radio Host: Alright, you are
listening to Jay McCarrol,

"Never Come Down."

And yes, you are listening to
The Roz and Mocha Show.

Guess what? We are
giving away two tickets

to tonight's show as part of
Jay McCarrol's world tour.

Roz: All you gotta do
is give us a call right now

and tell us what
street in Toronto

does Jay McCarrol live on.

Mocha:
416-870-8888. That is the...

(women cheering, clapping)

Matt: (groaning)
Oh, my God, I hit my ass.

Uh, hello?

I think I live here.

(gate squealing)

Man: I got him. I got him.
I got him right here.

I got him out front.
He's right here.

He's right out front
at the front door.

What the hell, man?
Where the fuck you been?

Yeah. Yeah, he's right--
Just everyone relax.

That's why I'm saying
you have to just relax,

because of course
he's gonna be here.

He's here. No, he's
good. He's totally fine.

(crowd cheering)

♪

Okay, who's first?
Who's first?

Okay.

Of course!

Oh, wow.

That is-- Wow.
So fun.

Wow. Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

(bleep)

Jay, Jay, Jay!
You gotta remember!

- You're gonna rip my shirt.
- Bird, Bird, Bird!

You gotta remember!
Jay, you got to remember me!

- This isn't right!
- Okay. Got it.

(Matt shouting)

Um, I'm gonna just
run to the bathroom.

(Matt shouting distantly)

♪

(smashing)

(bleep)

(bleep)

♪

Who's your best friend?

It's all good. It's all good.
It's all good.

It's all good.
It's all good.

- It's all good.
- Jay McCarrol, uh,

we're proud of you, man.
We followed this journey

right from
the very beginning.

A Roz and Mocha
fan favourite as well.

Good luck on the tour.
"Never Come Down"

is the re-release.
Uh, people are excited.

You're still wearing
that hat?

What?

(laughing)
He's gained weight.

Mocha: We appreciate you.
We're proud of you.

We love you. Thank you
so much for visiting us.

You'll have to forgive
my friend. He's a bit, uh...

...mentally ill.

Mocha: Thank you so much for
visiting us once again

and making time for us
even at the status

that you're at right now!

He's a bit fat.
He's a bit buff.

He's my old friend, Matt.
And we're--

And we're really
happy to see him.

(laughing)

I really hope that your life
turned out the way you wanted.

Can we talk privately
for just two minutes?

No.

Mocha: Thank you for always
making time for us

on The Roz and Mocha Show.

About to embark on
the biggest tour of his life,

Jay McCarrol, everybody.

- Man: Mr. McCarrol.
- Jay: Yeah?

I got you in
number three here.

Jay:
'Kay.

So, we got you equipped
with in-motion satellite,

full leather interior,
on-demand hot water,

memory foam mattress.

We got three TVs
in here for ya.

Ceramic tile floor.

You even got your own code
and doorbell.

- Like, this is way back.
- Woman: Yeah.

We were opening for
Peter Bjorn and John.

- Man: Hey, boss man.
- How you doing?

And Drew Barrymore--
Yeah. Hey.

Drew Barrymore
was there with--

- Man: With Fab.
- Woman: Oh, my God.

- Man: They were together.
- Woman: That's crazy.

Man: Was it--
Or was it Justin Long?

Bearded man: No, no,
no. No, no. It was Fab,

'cause I remember
seeing her.

That moment, like,
that is covered.

- Man: Fab's in there?
- Yeah.

And then Luke Lalonde
and Mitch Derosier come.

Woman: From--
They were there?

- Man: Not quite.
- I get this room!

Man:
Yeah.

- I mean, I really loved--
- Yeah. He produced it.

(group chattering)

(sighing)

...really trying
to wedge his way in

to be in The Rapture,

and they were like,
"Yeah, man. No, no, no."

- Like a bit of a--
- Yes.

Woman:
Mm-hm. I heard that.

Man:
Yes. Kind of a Jay situation

where they're like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

And they're like-- But--
And then he does go off

and perform
and do his own thing.

(chattering)

- Yes, yeah, and in the--
- He's in that, too?

- (clapping)
- I had never 100 percent...

Jay: What's up?

We're going on tour!

You guys wanna hook up
the N64? Big screen?

Um...

I don't know if
it has the, uh...

Like, I don't know
if it has that hookup.

Do we have a N64?

I'm sure we got
a 64 hooked up.

I think if-- if you brought
one I would play, sure.

I'm bugging you guys.

Woman: No.

I was just going to
say about the, uh, the--

towards the last
part of the book,

James Murphy, yeah.
Like, when listening--

(conversation continues
indistinctly)

(conversation continues
indistinctly)

No problem. What's that?

Bird's favourite game.

Let's have a little fun.

(clicking)

(conversation continues
indistinctly)

Man:
Yeah, but, like,

so many of these stories
start with, like--

You could say this for,
like, Strokes or Interpol.

It's like, at the
boarding school in Paris--

You guys didn't
tell me we had a gun.

- (gun fires)
- (screaming)

Woman: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Fuck!

Help!

(sirens blaring)

Breaking news out of Toronto.

A shooting has occurred outside
the home of Canadian rock star

Jay McCarrol,
the incident occurring

on the eve
of Jay's world tour.

Courtney Heels on the scene.
What more can you tell us?

Good morning, Marcie.
I can tell you there is

a pretty heavy police
presence along this road.

This is Park Lane Circle.

It's the street
that Jay lives on.

This is as close to
the scene as we can get.

And as you reported,

there is a source
confirming a man, an adult,

was rushed to hospital with
serious injuries,

and they were still looking

for a suspect seen leaving
the area.

Marcie: Let's take you live
now to the Bridle Path area,

where police are
updating their investigation

just outside Jay's home.
Let's listen in live.

...to be here today.

I know there's a lot of
interest in this incident.

You can expect to
see an increased presence

in this neighbourhood
for the next little while,

but it's no different
than any other shooting

or firearm discharge.

We'll have officers here
looking for witnesses

to come forward, as well
as be canvassing for video.

Police were called
to a shooting...

(panting)

(helicopter whirring)

(siren wailing distantly)

I just need to go back

to when we first wrote
on the whiteboard and...

...then I can undo
all this.

So, how...

How do we get back?

(chuckling)

I'm trapped
in some kind of hell.

Maybe it's a dream.
Possible, right?

Which, Jared, are you?
Who are you?

You came in with me, right?
I can trust you.

But then what the--
who are you? Right?

Yeah, but this is--

but you didn't come in
the time machine with me.

So you might be
working for them,

working for this other band,
working for these guys.

See, if Jay were here, he'd
be sitting there playing

the piano,
and we would solve this!

We would come up with this.

- (knocking)
- Aah!

I'll get it.

(wind gusting)

Hi. Matt.

I, uh-- I just wanted to
come and apologize.

Um, you know what?
My security went nuts,

and I felt bad about the way
that felt in the room.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, I just wanted
to say sorry.

Okay.

(chuckles)

Thanks.

Oh! Also, uh...

you said something that night
about a time machine.

♪

Oh, this is great! Okay.

(siren sounding
in distance)

- Jay?
- (siren in distance)

Oh, you're looking at the--
Yeah, this is the house.

May be a bit more modest
than you're used to.

Can we go?

Uh, right.
So, my time machine

works off of
a very specific fuel.

Yeah.

Do you know what Orbitz are?
It's a--

Yep. I know what they are.

Still, man, I got
so much to tell you, but...

- Uh-huh.
- (siren in distance)

Okay, so,
I built a time machine!

Yes.

And I thought,
wouldn't it be fun...

- Yeah?
- just for the fun of it...

Just for the fun, yeah.

...we go in it
and we go back--

Pick a date.

Oh, 2008.

Okay. And if you wanted to,
like, you could go...

- You can go anywhere.
- ...two days ago.

Two days ago? Why would you--
What do you mean? Why go back?

I spilled some
wine on my pants.

You're saying, uh,
hypothetically?

- Hypothetically.
- Two day-- No problem.

Why would you go back two--

- I don't understand.
- Okay.

Talking about a time machine.
We could go visit 2008, Obama.

- Obamna!
- Yes.

The only problem is,
I don't have fuel.

There's no, uh, fuel.

(stammering)
Well-- And why Orbitz?

Let's get a little,
uh, beat going.

(playing steady beat)

What makes Orbitz powerful?

What's the magic in Orbitz?
What's the-- what's the--

what's the special
soul of an Orbitz?

- (beat stopping)
- Jay: I don't know.

- The ingredients.
- Oh!

- (playing steady beat)
- Maybe there's an ingredient

inside the Orbitz that we
can use. This is--

Sugar? Cane sugar?

Both: Gelatin.

This is sounding
very, uh, like, safe,

non-swearing rap
from the '80s.

- Yeah.
- And I'm up there with a mic,

teaching people the alphabet.

♪ You got your A, your B

- ♪ Your C
- (playing hip hop beat)

♪ Your D, E, F

♪ And don't forget G

And that's a huge,
fat Black guy.

Bill Cosby's walking around.

(as Cosby) ♪ If you wanna
learn the alphabet ♪

♪ Here's what you get

♪ You get A, B, C

(normal voice) Okay, and--
and the secret message

of so many of
those things was--

Okay, so, what are-- What's--
what's in the Orbitz?

Uh... we know there's
an ingredient in Orbitz,

and it's not
a normal ingredient.

The-- The bottle
is smashed.

There's a list
of ingredients on it.

- Oh, yes, smashed the bottle.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm trying to picture.
Like, I remember I was here,

and I had the bottle,
I picked it up,

I looked at the back...

I'm seeing right now, you know
what the slogan of this is?

What?

"A bolt of lightning
in every bottle."

It's a pile of (bleep)
in every bottle.

Those drinks suck!

"A bolt of lightning in"--
No, what does it say?

- A what? What?
- That's just the tagline

that it says on it. "A bolt of
lightning in every bottle."

"A bolt of lightning
in every bottle. A bolt..."

No, no, that's just-- that's
just like, marketing, though.

- Yeah, but what if it's not?
- But it can't be

in a liquid bottle.

How do we know? Two days ago,
time travel wasn't real!

Then I pour a juice on it,
and it works!

We at least try it!

We just need to find
a way to get lightning

to strike the time machine.

If only we knew when
lightning was gonna hit the...

Do you know what time it is?

(thunder crashing)

I know when lightning's
gonna hit the CN Tower!

Oh, right!

What do you mean, "Oh, right?"
What are you talking about,

"Oh, right?"
How would you know?

That was a different
version of you.

This hadn't even
happened yet.

I mean, oh, great.

Did you say, "Oh,
great" or "Oh, right"?

- I said, "Oh, great."
- Or did you say,

"Great Scott!"?
Is that what you said?

- Yes.
- (as Doc Brown) Great Scott!

This is really
all coming together.

- Right.
- This is just like

Back to the Future.
This is insane.

There would be all the...
(imitating theme)

No, no. You can't do that.
That's very copywritten.

Well, if you could just go...
(imitating theme)

(both imitating theme)

This is going to be
a copyright nightmare.

Like, if you're watching this
in theaters,

thank your lucky
stars because

this is gonna be the only
screening of this ever.

- (drumroll)
- (as Doc) 10,000 gigawatts!

- (drum sounding)
- Dr. Emmett Brown!

- (drum sounding)
- Come on!

(Back to the Future
theme playing)

(tense music playing)

(people chattering)

(someone shouting)

Look, there's Spider-Man.

(people chattering)

(car horns honking)

Whoa, this is tripping
me out.

Okay, so, I gotta--
I'm gonna run around there.

You wait, and I'll chuck
the rope down.

Holy shit, this is crazy.

I remember you.

Oh, right,
we never met before.

Yeah, okay, sorry.
(chuckling nervously)

Yeah, right, right,
right, never mind.

Okay, okay.
I'll see you soon.

♪

How you doing?

Hi, no. Sorry. I don't--

I'm not actually him.
I just look like him.

(grunting)

Jared, are
you fucking dying?

Jared:
Yeah. (panting)

- (walkie-talkie beeps)
- Are you there?

Matt: Yep.
I'm still climbing, Bird.

- (walkie-talkie beeps)
- You're still climbing?

- Matt: Yes.
- (walkie-talkie beeps)

Still?

(straining)

(exhaling sharply)

(straining)

(wind howling)

Oh, my God.

(wind howling)

(straining)

Holy fuck!

(walkie-talkie beeps)

Jay, we made it to the top!

You've got to clear the way.
Otherwise,

the rope is going to
demolish whoever it hits.

(chuckling nervously)
How you doing?

Good.

Uh, yeah, my friend
is just up there.

Yes.

Come on.

(wind howling)

Sorry. You guys might just
want to move out of the way.

- (walkie-talkie beeps)
- Yeah, drop it whenever!

(grunting)

Whoa.

- (thudding)
- (people gasping)

Jay:
Whew. Huh.

- (walkie-talkie beeps)
- Okay, I got it!

(chuckling)

Where's the knot?

Got it.

- (walkie-talkie beeps)
- Okay, Matt.

It's all hooked up!
You can pull it up now!

♪

- (walkie-talkie beeps)
- All right, there she goes!

(Jay chuckling)

It's not exactly
inconspicuous.

♪

Uh, it's-- it's just-- um...

Well... this is actually kind
of hard to explain.

(chuckling nervously)
Um...

You see, my friend's
part of, uh,

a chef, uh, situation
or something.

(clicking)

I got a chef excuse going,
but it's not gonna last.

Okay.

Okay, we're coming down!

(Chicago's "Old Days"
playing)

♪ Old days

♪ Good times I remember

♪ Fun days

♪ Filled with
simple pleasure ♪

♪ Drive-in movies

♪ Comic books
and blue jeans ♪

♪ Howdy Doody

♪ Baseball cards
and birthdays ♪

♪ Take me back

♪ To the world gone away

♪ Memories

♪ Seem like yesterday

♪

(clanging)

Jay: Here.

Well, I don't know--
I don't...

Just get it open!

(chuckling nervously)
Uh...

Oh, yes! Okay.

- It's like flying a kite.
- So, plug that in. Whoo!

Jay: Do we have to, like,
hot-wire this or something?

Matt: No, no, you just
plug it in, like that.

Just plug it into the thing.

- (car horn honking)
- (chuckles) Jam it in.

(grunting)

- (chiming)
- Jay: Come on.

- (chiming)
- Yes!

Yeah! (laughing)

Ooh, careful.

- Sort of close this.
- We just...

- Yeah, that's good. Right?
- Yeah.

Excuse me. Are you
going to be here for a while?

Would you do me a favour
and make sure nobody

comes up to this while we're
gone and unplugs it

or anything like that?

Like, uh...

Lightning hits at 9:03.
Like, maybe 30 minutes.

Thank you. Okay.

- Okay, let's go.
- Great. Okay.

♪

Thirteen minutes.

How does this thing work?
Like, how do you set it?

You type in the date.
You want to see how it works?

- Yeah, show me.
- You type in-- Watch.

Okay, so, look.
Month, day, year, time.

So, the month is, yeah,

we'll say... September.

So, nine, and the day.

Ah, let's say September 26th.
Why not?

And then randomly 2008.

And then we'll say 10
in the morning,

just so that
I've got lots of time.

There. See? 2008.
It's gonna be like the end

of Back to the Future,
but without any of the drama.

- (alarm sounding)
- Oh!

8:50, okay,
it's go time!

Okay! (grunting)

(grunting)

(straining)

(grunting)

Okay.

(grunting)

How you guys doing?

It's, uh-- it's to catch
the streetcar electricity.

Well, it's a
one-time-only thing.

(metal creaking)

Oh, God!

♪

(horns honking)

You guys know what
I'm doing, right?

(time machine chiming)

What the hell?

I'm like Teen Wolf
a little bit, right?

Jay: Matt!

We got a problem.

What?

(horns honking)

What-- What is it?

Jay: Look! It got disconnected
from the top of the tower!

Oh, Matt, you didn't
hook it up right!

(horns honking)

(Matt grunting)

Uh-- uh--

Okay, I'll be right back.

I think-- Hey,
where you going?

Matt, where you going?

Matt!

Matt! Matt!

(bleep) Uh, (bleep).

♪

What?

No. No, no, no, no,
it's good.

(news fanfare plays)

Anchor: Tonight, we dive into
the story that has captivated

the city of Toronto
over the last 24 hours.

A shooting
occurred in the tour bus

parked outside
of the home

of Canadian rock
star Jay McCarrol.

In the first major
update of this case,

police are now
reporting the shooter

is none other than
Jay McCarrol himself.

Reporter: That's right, Marci.
He was last spotted

leaving the area just
outside of his mansion.

His current whereabouts
are unknown,

but police believe he may
still be in the city.

Police are urging
the public to report

any sightings
of the rock star

while also cautioning them
to keep their distance,

as he considered to be
armed and dangerous.

The motive of the shooting
is still unclear,

but witnesses report
strange behaviour from Jay

starting when he entered
his tour bus that day.

- Oh.
- (siren wailing)

(news fanfare playing)

Marci: We have breaking
news out of downtown Toronto.

A man has been spotted
on the tip of the CN Tower.

CP24's news chopper
is on the scene

with a live look
at the action.

Brad, tell us
what you're seeing.

What exactly
is this man doing?

Brad:
...exactly what this man...

♪

Oh! Okay.

I got it!

Brad: It looks
like an extension cord

stretching all the way
from the top of the tower

down to street level.

♪

Okay!
(laughing)

(chopper whirring)

(chiming)

Matt, you did it!

It's all green!

Okay, good, I'm coming down!

(downscale chiming)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What'd you do?

Matt: I just plugged it in!
What do you mean?

No, it's red now!
It's red on the street.

Matt:
On the street?

♪

You (bleep) moron,
you ripped the cable out!

Oh, no!

Oh...

Matt, we are (bleep)!

Matt: I'm sorry!

Jay, I'm sorry!

Jay: I have something
figured out.

That I fell for another one
of your stupid plans!

No!

Oh, Matt!

Oh, God!

Oh! Yeah!

(laughing)

Oh, my God!

Yeah!

Yeah!
(laughing)

♪

(tires screeching,
horns honking)

(slamming door)

(starting RV)

(tires screeching)

♪

(thudding on roof)

TTC Voice:
Next stop King Street West.

(door chiming)

(thudding)

♪

- (door chiming)
- Man: Holy shit.

- (thudding)
- (Matt grunting)

Excuse me! Sorry!

(horns honking)

(tires screeching,
horn honking)

Okay.

♪

(siren wailing)

Oh, (bleep).

- (siren wailing)
- Oh, (bleep)!

(bleep)

♪

(grunting) Oh...

- (grunting)
- (horns honking)

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

(horns honking)

Oh! What the fuck?

(Matt grunting)

(fabric tearing)

(straining)

Oh, my God!

How do I do this?

(siren wailing)

♪

- Oh!
- (sirens wailing)

Matt, what's
going on, buddy?

(sirens wailing)

(straining)

You wanna--
Do you wanna help me?

Matt: I said-- Oh,
you not from Toronto?

Welcome to Toronto.
How you doing?

That's the CN Tower up there.

Uh, so, I'm trying to
get my cable plugged in here,

but I can't, uh...
Do you wanna hold

my walkie-talkie
for me for a second?

Come on! You motherfucker.

Jay: Matt, what's
going on with that cable?

Jesus... Can you press
the return key?

Bird, we have a problem,
but I'm gonna fix it.

(chuckling)
This is funny to you?

'Cause, like, my whole life
is riding on this.

(both laughing)

(sirens wailing)

♪

Pull over!

Oh, (bleep)!

- Pull over now!
- Jay: No!

Officer: Pull
over your vehicle--

No!

(grunting)

♪

- Hypothetically...
- Right.

If I wanted to go back...

two days...?

Two days ago?
Why would you go--

What do you mean?
Why would you go back?

I spilled some wine
on my pants.

Or maybe I...

killed someone.

(siren wailing)

(wind gusting)

(siren wailing)

- (walkie-talkie beeps)
- Jay: Hey, Matt.

Uh, everything's going
good back here.

You haven't missed much.
(chuckling)

I'm still at the spot,
just waiting for you.

- (siren wailing)
- Uh, just wondering

the ETA on that cable
connection.

Uh, just plug it in,
and then you come back here,

and I'll be waiting here
for you.

Matt: Oh, it would
be like in a movie,

like, where the electricity
goes right through my body.

- Yeah.
- And I turn into a skeleton.

(wind blowing)

♪

(siren wailing)

(chiming)

(siren wailing)

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

(engine roaring)

(sirens wailing)

♪

(engine roaring)

♪

♪

(alarm ringing)

(lightning crashing)

(sirens sounding)

(electricity zapping)

(sirens wailing)

(electricity zapping)

(piano playing
pensive song)

♪

- Matt: Jay!
- (piano stops)

I figured it out!

Okay, so...

This plan is called

the Seventh Inning...

...Skydive.

So, step one:
we skydive...

into the... SkyDome.

We, during a game,

go up the CN Tower...

(making beeping sounds)

Matt?

You know, maybe we
should go early,

just in case the weather gets
bad and they shut the dome?

The wea... Oh. Yeah.

Okay, yeah,
that's a good point.

Yeah, we don't wanna get
caught on the roof of the...

Yeah, okay, sure,
so, we'll go early.

Uh, right, go early.

Okay. So,
here's the plan.

("Waters of March" playing)

♪ A stick, a stone

♪ It's the end of the road

♪ It's feeling alone

♪ It's the weight
of your load ♪

♪ It's a sliver of glass

♪ It's life,
it's the sun, it's night ♪

♪ It's death,
it's a knife, it's a gun ♪

♪ A flower that blooms

♪ A fox in the brush

♪ A knot in the wood

♪ The song of a thrush

♪ The mystery of life

♪ The steps in the hall

♪ The sound of the wind

♪ And the waterfall

♪ It's the moon
floating free ♪

♪ It's the curve
of the slope ♪

♪ It's an ant, it's a bee

♪ It's a reason for hope

♪ And the riverbank sings

♪ Of the waters of March

♪ It's the promise
of spring ♪

♪ It's the joy
in your heart ♪

♪

(singing in Portuguese)

♪

♪

♪ A spear, a spike

♪ A stake, a nail

♪ It's a drip, it's a drop

♪ It's the end of the tale

♪ The dew on the leaf in
the morning light ♪

♪ The shot of a gun
in the dead of the night ♪

♪ A mile, a must

♪ A thrust, a bump

♪ It's the will to survive

♪ It's a jolt, it's a jump

♪ A blueprint of a house

♪ A body in bed

♪ A car stuck in the mud

♪ It's the mud,
it's the mud ♪

♪ A fish, a flash

♪ A wish, a wing

♪ It's a hawk, it's a dove

♪ It's the promise of spring

♪ And the riverbank sings of
the waters of March ♪

♪ It's the end of despair

♪ It's the joy in your heart

♪

(singing in Portuguese)

♪

♪ A stick, a stone

♪ It's the end of the road

♪ The stump of a tree

♪ It's a frog, it's a toad

♪ A sigh of breath

♪ A walk, a run

♪ A life, a death

♪ The rain, the sun

♪ And the riverbank sings

♪ Of the waters of March

♪ It's the promise of life

♪ It's the joy in your heart

(singing in Portuguese)

♪

(song fading out)

(orchestral score plays)

(orchestra fading,
piano playing)

♪

(piano stops)

(quiet footsteps)

(door closes)

(suspenseful music)

(music intensifies)

(music stops)