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1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:01,734
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:02,602
Chappelle's Show.
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Oww.
4
00:00:04,379 --> 00:00:06,507
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
5
00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:07,808
Whoo-hoo.
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Yeah, yeah.
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(announcer)
Ladies and gentlemen...
8
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Dave... Chappelle!
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Man, thank you, guys.
10
00:00:26,501 --> 00:00:28,629
Thanks, man.
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00:00:31,231 --> 00:00:32,966
What's up, everybody?
12
00:00:33,007 --> 00:00:34,701
Yo, what's up, man?
13
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Thank you, guys,
man, shoot.
14
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Thank you, man.
15
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Thanks... oh.
16
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Oh man, you all got me like,
you got me touched tonight.
17
00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:55,088
I would actually cry but the
reefer has dried my eyes out.
18
00:00:57,691 --> 00:01:00,334
You know, I wish my
grandmother could see me.
19
00:01:00,335 --> 00:01:02,502
My grandmother gave me
the best advice in my life.
20
00:01:02,503 --> 00:01:04,237
She said, "you know, Dave,
21
00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:06,406
"everybody wants to be
the first person
22
00:01:06,407 --> 00:01:08,101
"to do something.
23
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"Well, let me
tell you something.
24
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,045
"Don't ever be the
first black person
25
00:01:12,046 --> 00:01:14,608
to do anything."
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Because anytime
you hear
27
00:01:19,379 --> 00:01:21,154
about the first black dude
that did something,
28
00:01:21,155 --> 00:01:25,886
it's a terrible story,
no matter how benign.
29
00:01:25,927 --> 00:01:28,962
Imagine, like who was
the first black person
30
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to take a shit
on a white toilet?
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Well, we did some research
32
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and I think you'll be surprised
at what we found.
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Good evening,
I'm Philip Halston.
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In 1954, the United States
was marred with unrest.
35
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With the bus boycotts
in Montgomery,
36
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and Brown versus
the Board of Education
37
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still under deliberation,
38
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the social climate
was changing rapidly.
39
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It was in this context
that one man,
40
00:02:03,231 --> 00:02:05,359
Cyrus Holloway,
made history
41
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:10,130
when he took on the rural town
of Hartsfield, Alabama.
42
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I remember it was a hot day
43
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and I was working the double
shift at the steel mill.
44
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Between shifts
I went outside
45
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and bought myself
a roast beef sandwich
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from a boy who that used to
sell 'em out front.
47
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But little did I know
that roast beef sandwich
48
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would change
my life forever.
49
00:02:33,594 --> 00:02:38,759
Not long after lunch,
I felt a bubblin' in my stomach,
50
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an evil bubblin'.
51
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A bubble that to me
signified nothing else
52
00:02:44,005 --> 00:02:48,301
but the early stages
of mud butt.
53
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I had to take a dump.
54
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I had to take a dump
immediately.
55
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The closest colored bathroom
was located
56
00:02:56,543 --> 00:03:00,487
in the basement of the
steel mill near the boiler room.
57
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Oh, that toilet
was disgusting.
58
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It wasn't fit for
Christian butt cheeks.
59
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:09,162
My only options at that time
60
00:03:09,163 --> 00:03:13,460
were I could either go
doo-doo in my trousers,
61
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which I couldn't do,
62
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that was my only good pair
at the time.
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Or, I could use
the white restroom.
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It was risky,
but so was mud butt.
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Mr. Holloway proceeded
to go to the white restroom
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00:03:26,514 --> 00:03:28,248
and take what would be known
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as one of the most
significant dumps
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in American history.
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After the historic
dump began,
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one of Holloway's co-workers,
Austin Stringer,
71
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entered the restroom.
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He immediately called
the local police
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who were being followed
by a television crew.
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There he is, officer!
75
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Come outta there,
Holloway.
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With all due respect...
(farting)
77
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I got the mud butt.
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00:03:52,974 --> 00:03:57,284
(Cyrus) While I was on the
toilet, they sicced dogs on me...
79
00:03:57,311 --> 00:04:00,741
sprayed me
with water...
80
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:03,343
good lord, it's mud butt!
81
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:08,548
Finally, I just let them
haul me off to jail.
82
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Book 'im.
83
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Desecration of a white
facility with negroid feces.
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Here's your evidence.
85
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I could make about three,
four more bags of that
86
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if you want, sir.
87
00:04:22,904 --> 00:04:25,505
Cyrus was charged with using
a white rest facility
88
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and faced
nine years in prison.
89
00:04:28,543 --> 00:04:30,710
Word spread quickly
around Hartsfield
90
00:04:30,711 --> 00:04:32,445
and the nation at large.
91
00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:35,007
Civil rights activists
throughout the United States
92
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:36,783
descended on this tiny
Alabama town,
93
00:04:36,784 --> 00:04:39,346
almost immediately.
94
00:04:39,387 --> 00:04:41,081
My brothers and sisters,
95
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we are gathered here
today to discuss
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matters of the cocka-dookie
and the stinky-stinky.
97
00:04:49,363 --> 00:04:50,624
Yes!
Yes, sir!
98
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:54,528
I have a question to pose
to the government...
99
00:04:54,569 --> 00:04:55,829
(farting)
100
00:04:55,870 --> 00:04:59,299
Why can't my turd
float next to yours?
101
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:03,637
Our voices will be heard!
102
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:07,106
It was the first and largest
demonstration of its kind,
103
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:10,143
the nation's first shit-in.
104
00:05:10,184 --> 00:05:12,352
No, my brothers and sisters
do not run!
105
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:14,521
Turn your butt cheeks
toward the aggressors
106
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:17,082
and let them clean
your butt cheeks
107
00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:18,833
with the cascading water.
108
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,594
This is a good thing,
my brothers and sisters.
109
00:05:20,595 --> 00:05:23,590
The shit-in made
national news
110
00:05:23,631 --> 00:05:25,758
and the American legal society
picked up the case
111
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:29,663
and took it all the way
to the Supreme Court.
112
00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:32,265
(protesters chanting)
113
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In the case of Holloway versus
the State of Alabama,
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the Supreme Court rules
in favor of Mr. Holloway.
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(applause)
116
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(gaveling)
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It is my opinion that no matter
what the color of your skin,
118
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your feces will be brown.
119
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Except for the
clay colored ones,
120
00:05:58,766 --> 00:06:01,761
and of course,
the spinach green.
121
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:06,099
And, no matter what
the hue of your poo,
122
00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:08,702
it will
undoubtedly stink.
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Good day.
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(Cyrus) By the time
they read that verdict,
125
00:06:13,948 --> 00:06:16,098
my butt,
my butt was calling.
126
00:06:16,117 --> 00:06:18,718
I suppose I was
happy about winning,
127
00:06:18,719 --> 00:06:21,039
but what I was
most happy about
128
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:24,357
was that I could get up
from that courtroom
129
00:06:24,358 --> 00:06:26,052
and use the toilet.
130
00:06:26,093 --> 00:06:27,353
How you doin',
Ms. Pippen?
131
00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,224
(fart)
Ahh!
132
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:29,996
I just remember
goin' in that bathroom
133
00:06:29,997 --> 00:06:31,627
and takin' the first...
134
00:06:31,691 --> 00:06:37,330
free dump that I'd ever
taken in my life.
135
00:06:37,371 --> 00:06:39,499
Beautiful dump.
136
00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:43,009
As a matter of fact, the choir
from my church came.
137
00:06:43,010 --> 00:06:45,572
And I'm gonna
lay down my burden
138
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:50,343
down by the riverside
down by the riverside
139
00:06:50,384 --> 00:06:52,946
down by
the riverside
140
00:06:52,987 --> 00:06:55,548
I'm gonna
lay down my burden
141
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:58,151
down by
the riverside
142
00:06:58,192 --> 00:07:02,489
I'm gonna study war
no more...
143
00:07:02,530 --> 00:07:03,790
(fart)
144
00:07:03,831 --> 00:07:06,826
It is all just a matter
145
00:07:06,867 --> 00:07:12,899
of the stinky stinky
and the cocka-dookie.
146
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,803
I'm Philip Halston,
good night.
147
00:07:16,844 --> 00:07:19,839
Well, I ain't gonna
study war no more
148
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,743
we'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show
149
00:07:23,784 --> 00:07:27,213
after these messages.
150
00:07:33,586 --> 00:07:34,888
Wooo!
151
00:07:34,929 --> 00:07:39,225
(phone ringing)
152
00:07:39,266 --> 00:07:40,960
Hello,
and good evening.
153
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:41,828
It's me.
154
00:07:41,869 --> 00:07:42,696
What?!
155
00:07:42,737 --> 00:07:43,563
It's me.
156
00:07:43,604 --> 00:07:44,864
What?!
157
00:07:44,905 --> 00:07:47,033
It's me...
Lil' Jon.
158
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,768
Okayyy!
159
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,110
I'm feeling lonely.
160
00:07:50,111 --> 00:07:52,671
I feel like I just need
to talk to someone
161
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who will understand,
162
00:07:53,581 --> 00:07:55,749
and, well, that someone
is you, Jon.
163
00:07:55,750 --> 00:07:57,444
Okayyy!
164
00:07:57,485 --> 00:07:59,345
Don't you like
popsicles?
165
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What?!
166
00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:01,821
I said, don't you
like popsicles?
167
00:08:01,822 --> 00:08:02,649
What?!
168
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:03,990
I said, don't you
like popsicles?
169
00:08:03,991 --> 00:08:04,818
Yeah!
170
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:06,119
What?!
171
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,420
Yeah!
172
00:08:07,461 --> 00:08:08,722
Okayyy!
173
00:08:08,763 --> 00:08:11,798
Sometimes I feel like I am
all alone in this world
174
00:08:11,799 --> 00:08:14,361
and I have
no one to go to!
175
00:08:14,402 --> 00:08:15,662
What?!
176
00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:18,738
I said, sometimes I feel
like I'm all alone
177
00:08:18,739 --> 00:08:21,341
in this world
and I have no one, sir!
178
00:08:21,342 --> 00:08:22,602
What?!
179
00:08:22,643 --> 00:08:23,470
No one!
180
00:08:23,903 --> 00:08:24,771
What?!
181
00:08:24,812 --> 00:08:25,638
To go to.
182
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:26,506
Huh?
183
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,542
No one!
That understands my pain!
184
00:08:29,583 --> 00:08:33,013
Yeah!
185
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,181
Sometimes when I'm alone,
186
00:08:35,222 --> 00:08:39,953
I sit on my hand and
wait 'til it gets numb
187
00:08:39,994 --> 00:08:42,122
and masturbate.
188
00:08:42,163 --> 00:08:44,724
I call that
a "stranger."
189
00:08:44,765 --> 00:08:46,499
Have you given
yourself a stranger?
190
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:47,327
What?!
191
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:48,234
A stranger?
192
00:08:48,235 --> 00:08:49,102
Yeah, yeah I do.
193
00:08:49,103 --> 00:08:51,231
Okay!
194
00:08:51,272 --> 00:08:52,966
Yeah!
195
00:08:53,007 --> 00:08:53,873
(phone ringing)
196
00:08:53,874 --> 00:08:55,135
Hold on.
197
00:08:55,176 --> 00:08:57,303
They callin' me.
198
00:08:57,344 --> 00:08:59,039
Lil' Jon?
It's Oprah.
199
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,340
How are you?
200
00:09:00,381 --> 00:09:02,361
Good, listen,
I'm pregnant.
201
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:07,280
(laughs)
202
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,449
Are you sure it's mine?
203
00:09:09,490 --> 00:09:11,184
I'm sure, it's yours.
204
00:09:11,225 --> 00:09:13,353
Ahh, skeet skeet
skeet skeet!
205
00:09:13,394 --> 00:09:14,254
I love you.
206
00:09:14,261 --> 00:09:16,389
Okay, bye bye!
207
00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:20,293
It was Oprah.
(laughs)
208
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,027
She's having our baby.
209
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:23,329
Yeah!
210
00:09:23,370 --> 00:09:25,105
I can't hear you,
my cell phone's breaking up.
211
00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:26,406
I can't hear you.
212
00:09:26,407 --> 00:09:28,141
Sounds like your phone
is breaking up.
213
00:09:28,142 --> 00:09:36,342
What?!
214
00:09:36,383 --> 00:09:37,644
Okay! yeah!
215
00:09:37,685 --> 00:09:38,945
Yeah!
216
00:09:38,986 --> 00:09:40,680
What?! Okay!
217
00:09:40,721 --> 00:09:42,849
Yeah!
Affirmative.
218
00:09:42,890 --> 00:09:45,018
Huh? Roger!
Yeah!
219
00:09:45,059 --> 00:09:46,319
What?!
220
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,054
Meltin' down!
Ahh!
221
00:09:48,095 --> 00:09:49,355
Bye, nigga!
222
00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:51,131
(announcer)
You've just watched
223
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,299
"A Moment in the Life
of Lil' Jon."
224
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,769
Hey gang, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
225
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:59,332
Don't go anywhere.
226
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,004
Man, I'm bored.
227
00:10:05,045 --> 00:10:07,607
I gotta go to
the Chappelle show.
228
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:10,210
Hey everybody, welcome back.
229
00:10:10,251 --> 00:10:13,680
Welcome back
to the show.
230
00:10:13,721 --> 00:10:17,190
You know, I've talked about
a lot of things on the show,
231
00:10:17,191 --> 00:10:19,359
I've made fun of so many
different people.
232
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,528
And people say, Dave,
you talk about everybody
233
00:10:21,529 --> 00:10:24,130
except the President,
why don't you do that?
234
00:10:24,131 --> 00:10:27,994
Well, 'cause
he's the President.
235
00:10:28,035 --> 00:10:30,162
Now, I know my limits,
ladies and gentlemen
236
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,504
and I wouldn't
wanna cross 'em.
237
00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:33,633
But I will say this.
238
00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:37,103
If our President
were black,
239
00:10:37,144 --> 00:10:38,878
we would not be
at war right now.
240
00:10:38,879 --> 00:10:39,746
Not because a black person
241
00:10:39,747 --> 00:10:41,481
wouldn't have done something
like that,
242
00:10:41,482 --> 00:10:43,650
just because America wouldn't
let a black person
243
00:10:43,651 --> 00:10:44,951
do something like that
244
00:10:44,952 --> 00:10:47,762
without asking them
a million questions.
245
00:10:47,947 --> 00:10:49,289
You know, they
always do polls,
246
00:10:49,290 --> 00:10:51,891
like, "minorities just don't
seem to trust their government."
247
00:10:51,892 --> 00:10:54,928
Because you don't understand
what it looks like for us.
248
00:10:54,929 --> 00:10:57,096
So let me help
paint the picture.
249
00:10:57,097 --> 00:11:01,394
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring
to you now, "Black Bush."
250
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:05,338
(female narrator) President
Bush continues to make his case
251
00:11:05,339 --> 00:11:07,032
for an invasion of Iraq.
252
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:08,374
After carefully
examining the region,
253
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:10,109
me and my cabinet agree
that that area
254
00:11:10,110 --> 00:11:12,278
is definitely ripe
for regime change.
255
00:11:12,279 --> 00:11:13,540
A'ight.
256
00:11:13,581 --> 00:11:14,840
But if I can be
real about it...
257
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:15,748
be real, son.
Be real?
258
00:11:15,749 --> 00:11:17,050
Be real real, son.
259
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,178
They tried to
kill my father, man.
260
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,046
Word.
261
00:11:20,087 --> 00:11:21,346
I don't play that shit.
262
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,689
Say word, he tried to
kill your father, son.
263
00:11:22,690 --> 00:11:24,857
That nigga tried
to kill my father!
264
00:11:24,858 --> 00:11:26,593
Word to
everything we love,
265
00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:28,734
we comin' to
see ya'll, son.
266
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:31,364
Meanwhile, President Bush
267
00:11:31,365 --> 00:11:33,099
and British Prime Minister
Tony Blair
268
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:36,569
offered a spirited explanation
for a possible war with Iraq.
269
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:39,606
This nigga very possibly has
weapons of mass destruction.
270
00:11:39,607 --> 00:11:40,907
I can't
sleep on that.
271
00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:42,168
Not on my watch!
272
00:11:42,209 --> 00:11:44,770
That's not how I roll,
that shit is serious!
273
00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:46,546
Now if you don't want to
take my word for it,
274
00:11:46,547 --> 00:11:47,847
why don't you ask
Tony Blair?
275
00:11:47,848 --> 00:11:49,582
He got a whole 'nother set
of intelligence.
276
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:50,843
What's up, Tony?
277
00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:53,446
We don't know much
about Saddam,
278
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,655
but we can't trust
random niggas
279
00:11:55,656 --> 00:11:58,691
with things like that, as
George so eloquently put it.
280
00:11:58,692 --> 00:12:00,860
I'm with him
100% of the way.
281
00:12:00,861 --> 00:12:04,290
We don't know what he has.
282
00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:08,193
(male narrator) If United
States goes to war with Iraq,
283
00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:10,403
will it first have to
provide evidence
284
00:12:10,404 --> 00:12:13,873
that Saddam Hussein has weapons
of mass destruction?
285
00:12:13,874 --> 00:12:15,608
So far, the U.N.
Has found nothing,
286
00:12:15,609 --> 00:12:19,038
but President Bush
counters with this:
287
00:12:19,079 --> 00:12:21,641
The nigga bought
aluminum tubes!
288
00:12:21,682 --> 00:12:22,982
Do I need to tell you
289
00:12:22,983 --> 00:12:26,413
what the fuck you can do
with an aluminum tube?
290
00:12:26,453 --> 00:12:27,714
Aluminum!
291
00:12:27,755 --> 00:12:29,882
That don't scare you?
292
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:32,919
Fine, I didn't wanna
say this...
293
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,256
the motherfucker bought some
yellow cake, okay, in Africa.
294
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,032
He went to Africa
and he bought yellow cake.
295
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:40,293
Are you sure?
296
00:12:40,334 --> 00:12:41,634
Yes, I'm sure, bitch!
297
00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:44,237
I got the head of CIA right
here, he'll tell you!
298
00:12:44,238 --> 00:12:45,932
Are you sure...
299
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:49,401
are you sure... I can't
believe you motherfuckers.
300
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,611
This is ridiculous...
ridiculous!
301
00:12:51,612 --> 00:12:54,213
Me and Jeb just
comin' back from Africa.
302
00:12:54,214 --> 00:12:56,776
Cradle of fuckin'
civilization.
303
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:59,419
And this nigga out here
buyin' yellow cake.
304
00:12:59,420 --> 00:13:00,820
From the motherland.
305
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,455
Are you sure it was
yellow cake?
306
00:13:02,456 --> 00:13:04,149
Y'all niggas
don't believe me,
307
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:05,491
I got some yellow cake
right here!
308
00:13:05,492 --> 00:13:07,226
Look, you see,
you believe this shit now.
309
00:13:07,227 --> 00:13:08,921
Don't drop that shit!
310
00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:10,697
I know, I know
what to do with it!
311
00:13:10,698 --> 00:13:13,299
That's why I got it wrapped up
in this special CIA napkin.
312
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,468
Just don't drop that
shit here.
313
00:13:15,469 --> 00:13:16,769
You better hope I don't
drop this shit!
314
00:13:16,770 --> 00:13:18,897
Pray to God you don't
drop that shit.
315
00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:19,768
Yellow cake.
316
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:21,934
Fuckin' right.
317
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,011
A sensitive accusation
for this administration
318
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:27,613
is the theory held by many
that the real reason
319
00:13:27,614 --> 00:13:30,216
the U.S. is so interested
in toppling Saddam
320
00:13:30,217 --> 00:13:33,587
is control of the oil
that Iraq is sitting on.
321
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,421
(woman)
What about people who say
322
00:13:35,422 --> 00:13:37,590
you're only interested in
the Middle East for oil?
323
00:13:37,591 --> 00:13:38,851
What?
324
00:13:38,892 --> 00:13:40,153
Huh? Oil?
325
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:43,188
Who said something about
oil, bitch, you cookin'?
326
00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:45,792
Oil?
327
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:48,000
Man, I don't know.
328
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,261
Come on ya'll,
get outta here!
329
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,639
President Bush met with U.N.
Secretary General Kofi Annan
330
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,767
and made it clear
the U.S. will act
331
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:58,371
even if the U.N.is reluctant.
332
00:13:58,412 --> 00:14:00,146
U.N., you have
a problem with that?
333
00:14:00,147 --> 00:14:01,406
Know what you should do?
334
00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:02,315
You should
sanction me.
335
00:14:02,316 --> 00:14:04,236
Sanction me with your Army.
336
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:05,785
Oh!
Wait a minute!
337
00:14:05,786 --> 00:14:07,516
You don't have an Army!
338
00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:09,689
I guess that means you need to
shut the fuck up!
339
00:14:09,690 --> 00:14:11,424
That's what I'd do
if I had no Army.
340
00:14:11,425 --> 00:14:13,159
I would shh!
The fuck up.
341
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:14,854
Shut-the-fuck-up!
342
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,063
That's right,
Kofi Annan.
343
00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:18,798
You think I'm gonna take
orders from an African?
344
00:14:18,799 --> 00:14:21,360
You might speak 16 languages,
but you gonna need 'em
345
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,569
when you in Times Square
selling fake hats.
346
00:14:23,570 --> 00:14:25,738
I know Gucci when
I see it, nigga, I'm rich.
347
00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:28,735
I got a coalition
of the willing.
348
00:14:28,776 --> 00:14:32,205
I got 40 nations,
ready to roll, son!
349
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,940
(man)
Like who?
350
00:14:33,981 --> 00:14:35,281
Who the fuck said that?
351
00:14:35,282 --> 00:14:36,542
Huh? Huh?
352
00:14:36,583 --> 00:14:37,844
Like who?
353
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:39,579
England.
354
00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:41,748
Japan's sending
Playstations.
355
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:46,084
Stankonia said they're willing
to drop bombs over Baghdad.
356
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:47,820
Rickety Row is coming!
357
00:14:47,861 --> 00:14:50,463
Afrika Bambaataa
and the Zulu Nation.
358
00:14:50,464 --> 00:14:52,632
That means I am not
doing this by myself
359
00:14:52,633 --> 00:14:56,062
and I am not
disrespecting the U.N.
360
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,230
Even though
they don't got no Army.
361
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:01,701
Go sell some
medicine, bitches!
362
00:15:01,742 --> 00:15:04,303
Trying to get that oil...
oh, ho!
363
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:12,585
The U.S. fired the opening
salvo in the war on Iraq
364
00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:14,754
with at least 40 Tomahawk
cruise missiles
365
00:15:14,755 --> 00:15:18,618
and precision guided bombs,
centering on Baghdad.
366
00:15:18,659 --> 00:15:20,787
(announcer)
Good evening.
367
00:15:20,828 --> 00:15:22,128
Tonight, President
George Bush
368
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:25,123
is on board the aircraft carrier
U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln
369
00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:26,466
off the California coast.
370
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:29,027
It will be the sight of
what is essentially
371
00:15:29,028 --> 00:15:32,498
his victory speech
in the war against Iraq.
372
00:15:32,539 --> 00:15:34,233
(clears throat)
373
00:15:34,274 --> 00:15:35,424
What did I say?
374
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,269
I'm not gloatin',
but what did I say?
375
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,045
Did I not say that
we would win that shit?
376
00:15:39,046 --> 00:15:41,647
We rocked 'em, 'bamas!
We rocked 'em!
377
00:15:41,648 --> 00:15:42,949
Nigga, you see me
come in on that plane?
378
00:15:42,950 --> 00:15:44,644
Shhhh...!
379
00:15:44,685 --> 00:15:46,419
Da da da da
da da da da dah!
380
00:15:46,420 --> 00:15:50,716
For the second straight day,
these hardline Iraqis
381
00:15:50,757 --> 00:15:53,337
protested the American
presence here.
382
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:55,922
Mr. President,
when do you think
383
00:15:55,963 --> 00:15:58,130
they'll hold general
elections in Iraq?
384
00:15:58,131 --> 00:16:00,299
Damn, I knew I shouldn't have
called on this nigga!
385
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:01,993
I should not have
called on you
386
00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:03,769
because you're always trying
distract motherfuckers
387
00:16:03,770 --> 00:16:07,240
with things like the war
and skirt all the real issues.
388
00:16:07,241 --> 00:16:09,842
Gay people are
getting married, folks.
389
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:14,140
Yes... nasty!
Imagine that?
390
00:16:14,181 --> 00:16:18,044
Two women touchin' on each
other's tittie balls,
391
00:16:18,085 --> 00:16:19,779
wrestlin' them,
392
00:16:19,820 --> 00:16:21,513
gently strokin'
those nipples
393
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:24,984
until they get
just so stiff and erect!
394
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:27,587
Blowin' on 'em.
395
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:34,093
Men...
barbecue...
396
00:16:34,134 --> 00:16:36,302
I like you.
I like you too, dog.
397
00:16:36,303 --> 00:16:37,997
Let's get married, man.
398
00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:39,298
It's crazy!
399
00:16:39,339 --> 00:16:40,206
What about your...
400
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:42,768
that shit is gross!
401
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:48,407
Mr. President, sir,
how do you explain
402
00:16:48,448 --> 00:16:50,141
the continual
upheaval in Iraq
403
00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:53,179
even after the capture
of Saddam Hussein?
404
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:54,954
Why are you
doing this, man?
405
00:16:54,955 --> 00:16:57,123
I thought you was
my black brother.
406
00:16:57,124 --> 00:16:58,858
Why you asking me
questions like that?
407
00:16:58,859 --> 00:17:01,027
Fine, I'll answer your
stupid-ass question.
408
00:17:01,028 --> 00:17:02,328
Here's what I feel
about Iraq.
409
00:17:02,329 --> 00:17:05,364
I feel like you guys keep trying
to distract people with Iraq
410
00:17:05,365 --> 00:17:09,228
when I'm focusing on other
things, namely the moon.
411
00:17:09,269 --> 00:17:11,397
Yes, I said it,
the moon.
412
00:17:11,438 --> 00:17:12,738
Can't be distracted.
413
00:17:12,739 --> 00:17:14,473
"What's going on with
the war?
414
00:17:14,474 --> 00:17:15,775
What's wrong with
the economy?"
415
00:17:15,776 --> 00:17:18,377
Stop worrying about that...
I got that shit under control!
416
00:17:18,378 --> 00:17:20,506
Let's focus
on space, nigga.
417
00:17:20,547 --> 00:17:22,675
The United States of Space.
418
00:17:22,716 --> 00:17:24,450
'Cause I ain't
stoppin' at the moon.
419
00:17:24,451 --> 00:17:30,049
Write this down:
M-A-R-S, Mars, bitches.
420
00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,824
That's where
we are going.
421
00:17:31,825 --> 00:17:33,519
Mars, red rocks!
422
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:34,820
Yeah, yeah!
423
00:17:42,194 --> 00:17:44,837
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
424
00:17:44,838 --> 00:17:46,138
Don't go nowhere
and we'll be right back
425
00:17:46,139 --> 00:17:48,701
with more Chappelle show.
426
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,342
Turn on your TV.
427
00:17:56,383 --> 00:17:58,077
What you
goin' to see?
428
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:01,113
Ladies and gentleman,
429
00:18:01,154 --> 00:18:05,885
make noise for Outkast's own
Big Boi!
430
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:07,902
It's like this,
431
00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:10,684
sucka go right
to motherfuckin' high.
432
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,825
Give me
a back, Roy.
433
00:18:22,368 --> 00:18:24,398
Okay, I start out
all alone
434
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,746
'cause my baby mama left me
but there's nobody at home
435
00:18:26,747 --> 00:18:29,307
beginning to feel like
Ms. Jackson done got cloned
436
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:30,609
well, it's some real shit
437
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,517
and I'm livin' it
through this song
438
00:18:31,518 --> 00:18:33,211
a moving vehicle
took my family
439
00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:35,380
as I slept out on the sofa
in the boom boom room
440
00:18:35,381 --> 00:18:36,722
I woke up very upset
441
00:18:36,723 --> 00:18:38,457
I throw the covers back and
peep out through the draperies
442
00:18:38,458 --> 00:18:41,060
my daughter, my baby,
my baby mama all escaping me
443
00:18:41,061 --> 00:18:43,188
like a candle in the wind
she was my friend
444
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:44,530
like Princess Di
before she died
445
00:18:44,531 --> 00:18:45,831
therefore we tried
and tried again
446
00:18:45,832 --> 00:18:47,959
but in the end you pay
attention to the pluses
447
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,562
but the minuses behind make it
seem like you can't win
448
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:54,467
throw your neck out
throw your back out
449
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,636
throw your neck out
450
00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:57,977
my neck
and my back
451
00:18:57,978 --> 00:19:01,841
this is dedicated...
to that special lady
452
00:19:01,882 --> 00:19:06,178
that I'm paying $3,000
a month for that baby
453
00:19:06,219 --> 00:19:08,781
you know what
your name is
454
00:19:08,822 --> 00:19:11,424
round two, a single parent
what is Big to do?
455
00:19:11,425 --> 00:19:13,118
Throw a party?
Not hardly
456
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:14,026
I'm trying to stay up
outta that womb
457
00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:16,155
that P-U-S-S
I say uss
458
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,496
Luther Vandross
couldn't make a home
459
00:19:17,497 --> 00:19:19,231
out of this house
that we smooshed
460
00:19:19,232 --> 00:19:20,925
smashed, pushed to the limit
smash and turned it timid
461
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:23,135
and everyone was suffering
the house was feeling wicked
462
00:19:23,136 --> 00:19:25,263
the cat got old
the dog got old
463
00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:26,172
the food got cold
464
00:19:26,173 --> 00:19:27,473
both of our tempers
were on swole'
465
00:19:27,474 --> 00:19:29,208
for the most part
you fuss, fight, fart
466
00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:30,943
you build it up
to break it down
467
00:19:30,944 --> 00:19:32,637
and now take it
from the start
468
00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:34,806
repeatedly leading a path
that only ends in a clash
469
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:37,016
of two stubborn minds
grown folks blind to the sign
470
00:19:37,017 --> 00:19:41,747
throw your neck out
throw your back out
471
00:19:41,788 --> 00:19:43,916
throw your neck out
472
00:19:43,957 --> 00:19:46,085
throw your
back out
473
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,728
come on
throw your neck out, yeah
474
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:52,158
throw your back out
throw your neck out
475
00:19:52,199 --> 00:19:53,892
throw your neck,
neck, neck out
476
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,668
throw your back out
throw your back out
477
00:19:55,669 --> 00:19:58,230
K.O. knocked out
by technicality
478
00:19:58,271 --> 00:19:59,964
the love has
kissed the canvas
479
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:01,307
now the whole family
gets mad at me
480
00:20:01,308 --> 00:20:03,042
my daughter don't want me
at her PTA meetings
481
00:20:03,043 --> 00:20:04,343
and then my son
he can't talk
482
00:20:04,344 --> 00:20:05,644
when I change him he's peeing
I think he's pissed
483
00:20:05,645 --> 00:20:07,772
I can't dismiss
the matter of the fact
484
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:09,115
because he saw
me and you argue
485
00:20:09,116 --> 00:20:10,416
now the energy
is coming back
486
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:11,677
set an example
487
00:20:11,718 --> 00:20:13,411
a positive pattern
keep life on track
488
00:20:13,412 --> 00:20:14,754
but I'm married to the music
and committed to the wax
489
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:16,015
tapes and cds
490
00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:19,091
baby please, you make me
want to scream
491
00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,942
you're on my team
starting first string
492
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:23,823
so why are we arguing?
493
00:20:23,864 --> 00:20:28,594
Take cds, baby please
you make me want to scream
494
00:20:28,635 --> 00:20:31,237
you're on my team
starting first string
495
00:20:31,238 --> 00:20:33,365
so why are we arguing?
496
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,534
Throw your
fuckin' neck out
497
00:20:35,575 --> 00:20:37,703
(applause)
498
00:20:37,744 --> 00:20:42,041
I'd like to thank my guest,
Big Boi of Outkast.
499
00:20:42,082 --> 00:20:45,117
And I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
500
00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:46,378
for being here.
501
00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:48,980
And everyone at home for
supporting the show.
502
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,756
It's been an amazing season.
503
00:20:50,757 --> 00:20:53,319
We love you,
we thank you for it.
504
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,054
We shook up the world!
505
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,223
I'm out!
506
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,600
I'm rich bee-yotch!
507
00:21:01,601 --> 00:21:02,428
(honk honk)
508
00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:04,597
Hi, thank you!
509
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:06,806
Who do you know
in Iraq?
510
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:09,368
The war is over!
The war is over!
511
00:21:09,409 --> 00:21:10,669
Bree-bye-bye!
512
00:21:10,710 --> 00:21:12,011
You know
who this is?
513
00:21:12,012 --> 00:21:13,746
Antwone Fisher...
he's still here.
514
00:21:13,747 --> 00:21:16,742
He's still standing,
he's still strong!
515
00:21:16,783 --> 00:21:18,063
Just like America!
516
00:21:18,084 --> 00:21:19,594
Antwone,
take a bow!
517
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:23,682
Some brave teachers,
big up to you teachers.
518
00:21:23,723 --> 00:21:26,759
There's a milkman in
the house, what's poppin'?
519
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,623
Rocksteady Crew's
in the house.
520
00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:33,044
Crazy legs,
what's up, my nigga?
36991
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