Original subtitles

(Dave) I can't.

I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore.

(man) What?

Why not?

I'm burnt out, Lou, I got a family, man.

I'm workin' 20-hour days every day.

I ain't makin' no money.

Mr. Hanky makes more than me.

Dave, you signed a contract for two seasons

and I don't know if you've read USA Today,

but we expect you back for a third.

Oh, really?

Really, you expect me back, huh?

Well, guess what, expect this:

My resignation, effective immediately.

I quit!

Suit yourself, Dave.

You've already shot all of your sketches.

At this point in the season, you're replaceable.

Heh-heh, replaceable?

You gonna replace me?

Dave Chappelle of Chappelle's Show?

I'd like to see that.

Brady Show. The Brady Show.

Brady Show.

Heh. Brady Show.

Brady Show.

Not Dave's Show.

Not no mo'.

The Brady Show. The Brady Show.

Say what?

The Brady Show. The Brady Show.

Let's start the show. Oh whoa.

(announcer) Wayne Brady!

Whoo, hey!

Welcome, folks up top, people down here.

Everybody!

Comedy Central!

Hey!

Thank you guys so much.

As you saw, this really is the Wayne Brady Show,

no longer the Chappelle show.

Dave has been uh... downsized and um, and I've been brought...

(woman) Hey.

You're so wonderful.

Oh, thank you.

(cheers & applause)

You know, one of the things in Hollywood is,

there are only a few of us black actors

that happen to be working.

And nothing makes me happier than to be able

to take another black actor's job.

(applause)

Thank you.

I'm just doin' my thing.

So, Dave, before he was let go,

he taped a bunch of his sketches.

So before we go on with the third season

which would be the Wayne Brady Show,

we have to burn off all of his sketches.

So, 'scuse me, I'm gonna give my flowers to you, sir,

but not in that way, dude.

So this next sketch, this is about...

you guys know the show Fear Factor, right?

(audience) Yeah.

So Dave and those guys, they found a very, very

special episode of Fear Factor

that they wanted to share with you.

Let's take a look.

I'm Joe Rogan and this is Fear Factor.

My name's Jeff.

I'm a computer programmer from Redondo Beach,

and I refuse to lose.

My name is Rita, I'm from Idaho,

but trust me, I ain't no couch potato.

I'm Anne, I'm from Boston.

I promised my mom

I wasn't going to embarrass her here tonight.

Huh?

Oh.

Hi, I'm Tyrone Biggums.

I heard that I could win a lot of money

and I get a pig-testicle dinner with all the fixins.

Gotta play to win!

(Joe) Here is your first stunt.

(Tyrone) We gotta eat that?

I can't eat all of it.

You each have to lie in this coffin

covered with worms and bugs.

The three of you that can last the longest

will move on to the next round.

Rita, you're up first, climb on in.

All right, we're gonna have to add a few more to the mix.

Oh, Joe Rogan, you crazy!

God.

One of them tried to crawl in my mouth!

One minute and 42 seconds.

Lemme just help you out, get some on him.

There you go.

Look at 'em spreadin', they spreadin'.

Five minutes and 42 seconds.

Anne, it's all up to you.

Lie down.

(screams)

Oh God, that was gross.

Wow.

All right, Ty.

I'm gonna tell you something about me,

Joe Rogan, that you might not know.

I smoke rocks.

(laughter)

Mmm!

You did it, Tyrone.

You shattered Jeff's time, you can come on out now, man.

Joe Rogan, if it's all the same to you,

I'd like to finish readin' my newspaper.

I haven't had a chance to sit still and read for so long.

(chuckles)

Technically, you can stay in there as long as you want.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna take a nap.

Go ahead without me, I'll catch up.

Could you dim the lights, please, Joe Rogan?

(farting) Ugh!

(snoring) Crack...

all right, it's time for your next challenge:

Walking on hot coals.

Some of these coals burn at over 1,000 degrees.

Goddamn!

The two people that can spend the most time on those coals

will advance.

All right, Rita, you're up first.

You ready to do this?

Yeah.

Go!

Time! Eight seconds.

Go!

Time! Seven seconds.

Rita, he didn't beat your time.

Congratulations, you advance automatically.

Tyrone, it's up to you now.

All you have to do is beat Jeff's time of seven seconds

and you will move on to the next round

and be that much closer to $50,000.

Oh!

Take your shoes off, let's do it.

Whoa.

Tyrone, I think there's something wrong

with one of your feet.

Oh!

Go!

Hey, Joe Rogan, is it almost lunchtime?

'Cause I smell somebody cookin'.

Smells like... cajun steaks

with catfish and fried peppers.

Mmm!

Tyrone, are you okay?

You won, you beat Jeff's time.

You advance to the next round.

My feet are strong.

(laughter & applause)

All right, Rita, Tyrone, here is your final stunt.

Each one of these platters

contains over three pounds of elk penis

in a light cream testicle sauce.

It's topped off with diced pig bladder.

For dessert, we have horse hooves.

Whoever can eat the most

is gonna walk away with $50,000.

Go!

(Tyrone) Hurry up, girl, I wanna do my turn.

Grab that penis.

Suck them juices off, suck it!

That's it.

Mm-mmm!

Oh!

(gagging) I can't do this.

Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

All right, I'm sorry, you're eliminated.

All right, Ty, it's up to you.

All you have to do is eat a little bit

and you're the champ...

and yadda yadda yadda.

Mm-mmm!

You know, Joe Rogan,

this is not the first time I've tasted penis.

I've had several in my line of work.

You taste penises all the time.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Tyrone, you are our champion.

Congratulations.

And evidently, fear is not a factor for you.

Fear is never a factor, Joe Rogan.

I'm tryin' to get some crack rocks.

Tyrita, I did it!

I won!

Come down on these penises with me.

Hot sauce!

There you go, pretend like it's mines.

Tyrita, this money's gonna change our lives forever!

Tyrita, I can finally make an honest woman outta you

and give you that rock you always had your eye on.

Look, Tyrita.

Oh, Tyrone, this'll get us high for...

hours, I know.

But first, may I have this dance?

(classical music plays)

(cheers & applause)

Folks, we'll be right back in a second

to the Brady Show!

Brady Show. Yeah, yeah.

Brady... Brady Show.

Oh, come on, man.

(cheers & applause on TV)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Big Boi!

Uh, who's calling?

It's Dave Chappelle, man.

(whispers) Fuck.

What's happenin', Dave?

Nothin', man.

I, you know, I got a bunch of free time now.

Figure I'd call you up

maybe we could get together and hang out.

Dave, I'm in the operating room,

um, gettin' back surgery.

Oh, no.

Where's the anesthesia?

Stop.

Well, look, I'm just sayin'

maybe we can get together, maybe tomorrow,

I'll come and bring some soup by.

Tomorrow might not be good.

Tomorrow...

I'm supposed to be hookin' up with Don Cornelius tomorrow.

All right.

Yeah, we playin' tennis, man.

Well, you know, I'm around, man.

Just give me a call.

We playin' on the moon, bitch.

Peace, don't call me no more.

What?

I gotta clear my head.

Hey, son!

Nick Cannon?

Oh!

What you doin' with Nick Cannon, boy?

I'm livin' my life.

I told you Nick Cannon is hilarious,

so I'm done with you, dad.

I'm hilarious too, remember me?

"I'm Rick James, bitch!"

Remember me?

Doo-da-lit doo-da-lit doo-da-lit doo

doo-da-lit doo-da-lit...

That was me, baby!

Dave, I'm trying to fulfill his needs.

You know, he need a working actor in his life.

Understand, man, you done fell off.

Shouldn'ta gave up your show, dawg.

Still got Chuck E. Cheese's, huh, little man?

Leave me and my new daddy alone.

I'm gonna get my show back, now.

I'ma get my show back! My show back!

(slow motion) My show baaack!

'Cause this your show, man.

It's my show?

If it's my show, can I do this?

You can do... whoo!

(beat boxing)

Whoo!

(cheers & applause)

Thank you.

Thank you.

He's better lookin'.

Agreed, agreed, handsome guy.

And charming.

And the other thing, cooperative.

I just can't believe how funny he is.

Agreed.

Couldn't be funnier.

...and it's not so much the shock anymore

because the shock is really your body's way of

cushioning your mind against the whole horrid experience.

It's not what you think, Dave.

Dave, it's not what...

they gave me...

she is a great critic.

Let's have a round of applause for my mom, right?

(applause)

Huh?

Yeah.

Whoo!

Right, right, right, right.

No no no, no no no!

You guys are too kind, you guys are too kind.

Ha ha ha!

(man) Whoo!

Oh, fuck y'all!

It's good to see you, Dave.

What's up, Wayne?

What's up, brotha?

I want my show back.

Gimme my show back now.

Just give it back!

Come on, man!

Okay, wait, you know what?

Look, Wayne... what?

Why don't we host it together?

Nah, son.

No, man, it can't be together, man

'cause you do different things than I do.

The way you do it ain't like the way I do it.

You got yo' thing, I got my thing.

I'm tryin' to do my thing!

Come on, Wayne, you know what I'm talkin' about!

No, actually I don't know what you're talkin' about.

I... what's my thing, Dave?

Oh like, remember that time we was hangin' out?

Remember that a few months back?

Dave, I gotta tell you, man,

I'm really happy to be hangin' out with you.

This is nice.

Oh, man, it's just been great, man.

Well, same here, man.

You busy with your show, I got my stuff.

This is really cool.

Yeah, man, you see that's the thing with black actors, man.

We need to just unify, we can't just be out like...

exactly.

Hey, hold up, Wayne, I think you passed our turn.

The restaurant's back that way.

Nah, that's all right.

Relax.

What, you goin' to get some weed?

Haha, no.

You wanna get some weed now, holla at yo' boy.

I know the spot.

Hold on. All right.

There he is.

Back yo'self, fool!

Aww, shit, it's Wayne Brady, son!

Oh, shit!

What the fuck you doin'?

Riverside, mothafucka!

Damn!

Ha ha!

What the fuck are you doin'?!

Dave, calm down.

What you mean, calm down?

Dave, relax.

You just shot people, Wayne, those were people you shot.

Goddamn, man, you got a daytime emmy, nigga.

You ain't supposed to be doin' shit like this.

Dave, you makin' me nervous.

You're makin' me think that you gonna snitch.

Now, you're not gonna snitch, right?

No, man, come on now, I ain't no snitch.

Now, you sure you're not gonna snitch?

It's me, nigga, it's Dave, baby.

What the fuck, you gonna snitch on me?

Yo, nigga, come on, it's me, it's Dave.

We black actors, man, we gotta stick together.

We black actors.

Come on, it's me, baby, it's Dave.

It's Dave Chappelle, it's yo' boy.

Okay, sorry, man.

I gotta get some money, man.

I gotta go to the ATM. I don't have no money.

I'll get some money.

(laughter)

All right, right here.

Where's the ATM at?

We at it.

Hey!

(car horn plays "La Cucaracha")

Hey, daddy.

Hoes, Dave.

Dave, hoes.

Good evening, bitches.

We did good tonight.

That's what I like to hear, that's... oh, that's nice.

Hey, baby!

Thank you.

All right, more power to me.

All right, thank you, baby.

Oh, Raquel, what's this?

Mr. Franklin's lonely, he's... there's only...

Sorry, daddy.

What do you mean, "sorry, daddy?"

What the hell...?

Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

I'm gonna have to get out this car and choke...

I'm not violent, I try not to be.

I'm a... you know what?

Wayne, come on, man.

No no no, I'm gonna get outta this car...

come on, will you please, please, Wayne?

Come on, just let her slide.

You better thank Dave Chappelle.

Go ahead.

Thank you, Dave, and I like your show.

Run, bitch, run for your life!

Get some help!

I'm sorry, heh, you know...

there you go, pay me back whenever.

I, I...

I can't take this money, man, this money ain't clean, man.

Dave, relax.

No, man, I can't relax, I don't want this money.

Dave, you are too uptight.

You know, here, smoke this.

Nah, I'm cool, man.

No no, smoke this, take it, come on, smoke it.

I don't wanna smoke...

this is not an option, nigga.

If you do not smoke this, we have a problem.

Ain't no damn after-school special.

Smoke it.

(coughs)

(laughs)

Dave, I didn't know that you liked to get wet.

What do you mean, "wet?"

(sinister laugh)

Yeah, brother, that's PCP, angel dust,

sherman hemsley, "love boat."

Ashy Larry...

white people love Wayne Brady

because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

(distorted)

(police sirens)

Where are we?

We got company.

Just let me do all the talking, okay?

Good evening!

Good evening, officer, may I help you?

Yeah... (no voice)

Can you step out of the car, please?

Not a word.

(chuckling) Coming!

Can I see your license?

Absolutely.

Holy cow!

You're Wayne Brady.

Guilty as charged.

My mother-in-law loves you.

Well, thank you very much, thank you very much.

The morning I wake up.

(chuckling)

And I put on my make up.

I say a little prayer for you.

Ooohhhh.

Together, together,

you'll be in my heart and I will always love you.

She is not gonna believe that this happened.

That's 'cause she is never gonna know about it, bitch.

What? (snap)

Thank you, good night!

What the fuck?!

What the fuck, man!

It's not my thing, man, it's not my thing.

I'm sorry.

Well, actually, I'm not sorry.

(laughing)

I don't give a fuck.

They cancelled my show and shit goes crazy!

I just wanna go home and see my family, man.

I just wanna go home and see my family.

Dave?

You hungry?

I'm not hungry.

Come on, you hungry?

You want a sandwich?

(choking up) I just wanna go home.

Eat your sandwich, Dave.

Give me your sandwich.

I said, give me your damn sandwich.

I make Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X,

huh, motherfucker?

This is me.

Whatever, get out.

(laughing)

Hey, Dave. Huh?

Man, really... I had a great time tonight.

Thank you.

Black actors, man.

Black actors.

All right. All right.

Oh, Dave?

Yeah?

Aaah!

(laughing) I'm Wayne Brady, bitch!

It was Mooney!

We gonna take a quick commercial break.

Yeah.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle show

right after this.

Aahh!

The greatest show.

I'd like to thank you all for being here.

I'd like to thank my guest Wayne Brady.

Thank you, sir.

I'd like to thank

the greatest audience in the world.

I'm out!

Take your show back.

I'm rich, biatch!

(horn honking)

Hi, thank you.

Paul Mooney did that thing,

that thing about white people

and Bryant Gumbel.

Next thing I know, this man calls me.

No one calls each other in show business,

because they're all too arrogant.

He calls me.

"Wayne, hey, man."

Not like he was scared,

but he called me and said,

"hey, look, you know what?

"I really respect you.

And I would love for you to come out and do the show."

I cancelled three of my shows to come and do this

because that meant so much.

(applause)