Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle!

(applauding)

Thank you all.

Thank you, folks.

Tonight you tuned in on a very special night.

You know, now that the show. is becoming successful,

people are writing about it in papers,

the only thing more spectacular than our success

is our failures.

Tonight I will show you some of the craziest things

we have tried to get away with and didn't succeed.

(laughing)

These are all sketches we actually went out,

we shot the sketches... I didn't make this idea.

This is a crazy, ah...

well, you'll see as we go along.

But this is the good thing about black people.

We are just the best at taking lemons and making lemonade.

This is a skill that black people have been endowed.

They gave us the worst part of pigs,

we said we're gonna call 'em chitlings,

put some hot sauce on the nigga

and we will like 'em, we will like them!

We'll eat the snout, if we have to.

If we have to, I will eat the snout.

Tonight we are gonna eat all snout.

This whole episode is just straight up snout.

(laughing)

Now, this first sketch had our first celebrity cameo

the Chappelle show ever had.

Nobody ever saw.

It was a very good cameo.

Why don't you show 'em the beginning.

(applauding)

Welcome back.

Today, of course, we are dealing with kids

who are b-a-d, bad.

Do you see, Sally?

This is what I have to deal with.

Ronald is just out of control, so trifling.

Aw, ma, shut up!

(farts)

All right, time to straighten you up!

Guess where you are going.

Boot camp.

Yeah, boot camp, that's right,

with the hardest C.O. you have ever met.

This is where the sketch goes completely wrong.

That's right, Nelson Mandela.

(blowing whistle)

(African accent) All right, children, shut your mouth.

All of you kids disgust me.

Notice how shitty the wig is.

Not only do I not look anything like Nelson Mandela,

but the sketch just gets progressively crazier.

Mandela proceeds to just beat the hell out of these kids

for the next, like, eight to nine minutes, all right.

He's just berating 'em and beating 'em.

Here, just show them some of the beat-downs.

This is the full Nelson, bitch, it's a pun...

(grunts and yells)

You.

Cry "freedom."

Cry "the beloved country."

If I wanted to be mean,

I would tell this kid how fat he is, huh?

I would tell him that I would squeeze his breasts together

and make love to his bosom, if I wanted to.

Pretty bad, huh?

Well, it gets weirder than that.

Do you think Mandela doesn't know what this is?

Do you think Mandela doesn't know

what's popping on the streets?

In the jungle the mighty jungle...

yo, I'm not sure,

but I think Mr. Mandela smoked my drugs.

A-whee

whee-o-whee-o whee-o-wumbawe

a-whee

whee-o-whee-o whee-o-wumbawe

(applauding)

Pretty bad, huh?

All right, now, here's another stinker.

This one was suppose to be like the Def Poetry Jam.

It was called...

it was a funny premise... it was called

The Def Comedy Poetry Jam,

where we basically have people I knew from Def Comedy Jam

come and do, like, the corniest joke premises

and poetry style.

It's kind of hard to explain, but it was funny.

Like, Mos Def came out, acted the fool.

Go ahead and show them the beginning.

(screaming)

Are you ready for some poetry, motherfuckers?

Ugh!

Mm, mm, ugh!

All right, so then Shucky-Ducky comes out

and Hamburg and all these guys come out and do

hacky black poems.

And I even did one myself, which is pretty hilarious,

I'll show it to you in its entirety.

Here's the one I did.

White people do this

black people black people do that

and white people's power goes off they panic

when black people's power goes off they plan it

we'll take a quick commercial break,

but don't go anywhere.

We have more of our greatest misses coming up.

Whoo.

Hey gang, welcome back.

Now, let's see, how can I describe this sketch.

It was a "Frontline" piece,

much like we did the Clayton Bigsby piece,

we wrote this one when they had opened the first public school

for all-gay students,

and we were like, okay America's freaking out now,

like, about the gay thing, like,

so we thought what if it was, like,

so segregated that there became two Americas:

It was a gay America and a straight America.

And that was the premise of the sketch.

Cities like San Francisco

even offer special municipal services,

like this gay department of motor vehicles.

Honey, with those cheekbones, you're a natural!

Now just stand there.

That's right.

Put your head back a little bit.

Let's get that great big smile.

Let's see those pearly whites.

Hold it, hold it.

Congratulations, your license plate is so ready.

(laughing)

It was funny.

I mean, we were just messing around.

You know, just having fun.

All right.

But it gets worse, like, we keep going on like this.

Okay, so there's a gay DMV,

what else can we just make, like, a gay version of?

And then we just went to town

with, like, the gay version of things.

For instance...

every aspect of American life

is being affected by the culture.

There are gay butchers.

Gay landscapers.

Ass tits ass and tits

ass and tits to the...

(laughing)

Just for fun, can we see that guy again.

That shit was very funny to me.

Ass tits ass and tits

ass and tits to the...

here's where we start spinning out of control.

All right, this next one was offensive,

not only to gay people but black people.

And if you're a gay black person

then you'll get doubly mad,

but it was all in the spirit of fun.

I thought... I still think it's funny.

All right, go ahead and show the clip.

Here in Huntsfield, Alabama, amazingly, they have started

a gay chapter of the Klu Klux Klan.

Oh, it's hot like the dickens.

As I was saying at brunch

and we hate too, okay.

But we do it a special way, we do it with compassion.

Good morning, I'm with the K.K.K.

We had a meeting and we were talking

and we'd be more comfortable

if you guys left the neighborhood.

Have you considered going back to Africa?

All right.

Now, this next piece was the piece that started

the whole she-bang-a-bang.

This was the first premise that led to this

gay America sketch.

This actually was Charlie Murphy's idea.

He called and was like I got this funny idea

for a sketch, man.

And he told me, he told Neal, and we just ran with it.

This is the most splendiferus,

specutacious monumental event in the history of the world,

professional boxing with all-gay fighters.

I call that "Friday Night Sissy Fights"

and it's on none other than HBO.

On my right, "The Bathhouse Roller,"

none other than Sweet Butch Roberts.

Look at that footwork, it looks better than a schoolgirl.

Man, he's gay.

And to my left, "The Tyrannical Tea-bagger"

none other than Reggie Blazer.

He's weighing himself in as we speak.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, this scale is broke.

Cheater, didn't I tell you to fix this scale.

And what you looking at with your ashy-ass lips?

Whatever, fat-ass.

I love it!

(squealing)

On that note, we're actually gonna take a commercial break,

don't go nowhere.

We'll be right back with more of our greatest misses.

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go to the Chappelle Show.

All right, welcome back, welcome back.

All right.

This next one might be my favorite failure of all times.

Now, last season we did this sketch called

"The Player Haters Ball,"

wasn't our most popular sketch,

but it was just one of my favorites.

It was just very silly.

So we said let's bring 'em back,

but lets try to do something different,

up the ante a little bit.

So, it starts out that the player haters

are having a science fair.

All right, go ahead, go ahead.

Furthermore, my wave machine can create enough energy

to power most medium-sized homes with ease.

Thank you, bitches.

When you said wave machine,

I thought you was talking about something that could

repair that catastrophe you call a hairstyle.

Buck Nasty, you are so dark

when you touch yourself it's like black-on-black crime.

(laughing)

Right, so, so far so good.

It has all the elements of the old sketch that we loved.

There's jheri curl juice snapping, going back and forth.

All right, here's where it starts getting

a little weird.

(ringing gong) Attention.

I brought to you bitches, my great invention yet,

a time machine.

(dinging gong)

So now the premise is that they travel through time

and hate on people.

Now, that's, that's not a bad premise,

but somehow it just didn't come together right.

Let's see what happens.

First, they go back and I think they fuck up Hitler.

(slow and distorted voices)

Hitler, fuck you!

Hitler momma got one big titty and one little titty,

and they call the bitch biggie smalls.

All right, so the crowd's still kind of with us.

And now we take 'em to the 1840s.

Let's see how that hate works out.

Good God!

Incarcerated African-Americans.

Slavery, if you will.

These men here work for the minimumest of wages:

Grits and tattered clothes.

Lookey here, man,

them lames ain't even got no shoes on, Jack.

I could never go out like that.

Buck Nasty, have some respect.

One of these men could be your great-granddaddy.

(laughing)

All right.

All right, Charlie was definitely funny,

'cause every time we do Buck Nasty, right,

like, he'll be sittin' in the back of the time machine

and as soon as they say "okay, roll sound"

Charlie'd get to shaking like this.

He'd start...

all right, just show 'em, like,

just give 'em an example of what it's like to shoot this.

(Chappelle) From doctors?

(man) Yeah.

All right, ready?

Roll sound.

It was killing me...

all right, but I'm getting off the point now.

Let's keep going.

Now, so the now time hater's they're in slavery times, right,

and stuff is still kinda going good in the sketch...

okay, okay, keep just, keep...

let it play out.

Let's see what's happening.

(Silky Johnson) Uh-oh, fellas, looks as though we have company.

What the hell are you niggras doin' out here?

We are the time haters,

we traveled all the way back through time...

to call you a cracker.

You better watch your mouth.

Actually, you better watch your mouth, white boy,

before I put these gators up your ass

and show your insides some style.

Enough!

I can't be no slave, Silky.

Oh, good God.

Look, Silky, he done pulled out a whip.

Nice whip.

This here is a pistol.

Reach for the sky, honky.

Honky?

Honky is a racial epithet used for white people,

was made popular by a man named George Jefferson

in the 1970s.

You see, he and his wife, Weezy,

had a dry cleaning business,

so they moved on up to the east side,

to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

They finally got a piece of the pie.

Convoluted story, I'll admit,

but the point is this:

That in the future all black people will be free.

In a second, all right,

this is what stopped the whole show.

This stopped... I mean, literally,

this whole episode came to a screeching halt right here.

As a matter of fact, I predict this episode

will come to a screeching halt right now.

But I'll show it.

When's we gonna be free?

That is a good question, my man...

how about now-ish?

(gunshot)

(gunshot)

(gunshot)

Apparently, shooting a slave master

isn't funny to anybody but me and Neal.

(laughing)

If I could, I'd do it every episode.

So that was that one.

Now, this next one, the premise again,

funny premise, it's about a dating service

where you tell 'em what kind of girls you like,

and they'll send dudes to just go out to malls and stuff

and "holler at bitches" for ya.

Now...

not so bad, right?

Go ahead and just show 'em the set up.

(woman) In a matter of seconds, we'll beam your information

to one of our skilled field technicians.

Hey, hey, hey.

Can I holler, can I holler at you?

Can I holler at you?

Can I holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler...

holler at you.

What's wrong with ya?

That dude is hilarious to us.

His name's Anthony Barry,

and I mean, everything he says is funny.

And in the course of shooting this sketch,

we figured out he could do this.

So we were, like, just do that.

And we just filmed him doing it.

This is what he did that had us cracking up in editing.

Holler, holler, holler...

holler, holler, holler...

holler, holler, holler...

let me holler at you, let me holler at you...

holler, holler, holler...

I'm hollerin' at ya, bitch, don't ya hear me?

Bitch, I'm hollerin' at you.

Holler, holler, holler at you,

holler, holler, holler...

We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

we'll be right back, we'll be right back.

(applauding)

Turn on your TV what you gonna see?

Tonight's musical guest,

make some noise for Kanye West, Mos Def, and Freeway.

Brooklyn stand up Lafayette Gardens

we in the streets playa getcha mail

it's only two places you end up

either dead or in jail

still nowhere to go

Yeah, yeah, you guessed still nowhere to go

now throw ya hands up hustlers, bustas, boostas,

hoe, everybody fuck that

still nowhere to go Brazil

Yeah, yeah., Yeah, yeah, yeah still nowhere to go

keep it real

Mos Def

now check it, two words: "United States"

no love, no brakes

low brow, high stakes, crack smoke, black folks

big macs, fat folks

ecstasy capsules, Presidenial scandals

everybody move

two words, Mos Def, K. West, hot shit

calm down, get back, ghetto people got this

game ball, lock shit, dump off, cock shit

we won't stop shit

everybody move

two words, B.K., N.Y., Bedstuy, too hard

too hungry, too many, that's why

these streets know game

can't ball, don't play, every traffic one lane

everybody move

two words, Mos Def, K. West, hot shit

calm down, get back, ghetto people got this

game point lock, long pump cocked

we won't ever see the rock

everybody move

now throw ya hands up hustlers, bustas, boostas

hoe, everybody fuck that

still nowhere to go

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

still nowhere to go

now keep ya hands up hustlers, bustas, boostas

hoe, everybody fuck that

still nowhere to go

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Still nowhere to go

aey-yo, two words, chi town, south side, world wide

'cause I rep? That 'til I fuckin' die

one neck, two chains, one waist, two gats

one wall, 20 plaques

dudes say, "gimme that?"

I am limelight, blueprint, five mics

go get his rhyme like shoulda been signed twice?

Most imitated, grammy nominated

hotel accommodated, cheerleader, prom dated

barbershop, playa hated, mom and pop bootlegged it

felt like it rained 'til the roof caved in

two words, chi town raised me crazy

I live by two words, fuck you, pay me

screamin' Jesus save me

you know how the game be

I can't let em change me

'cause on judgment day you gonna blame me

look God it's the same me

basically know now we get racially profiled

cuffed up and hosed down, pimped up and hoe down

plus I got a whole city to hold down

from the bottom to the top the only place to go down

and throw ya hands up hustlers, bustas, boostas

hoe, everybody fuck that

still nowhere to go

Yeah, yeah., yeah, Yeah, yeah., yeah

still nowhere to go

free-way in the block

two words: Freeway, two letters: A-R

turn y'all rap into two words

fast runners

like Jackie Jurner you better sleep with your burner

the heat skeet blow a reef through ya car

my God, two words

no guns, break arms, break necks, break backs

Steven Segal, is free

the young bars, fresh men of the rock

when the beef in the pot

Jay sent for his dogs to brawl

forget ya squad, let 'em fend for yourself

have you screamin' out four words "send for the law"

two words, Freeway's slightly retarded

mess around throw a clip in your artist

leave with his broad

...get back

calm down, get back...

yeah

(applause)

I'd like to thank my musical guests.

I'd like to thank each and everyone of y'all

for being here.

I'd like to thank you at home for watching.

I'll see you next week, good night.

(cheering)

I'm rich biatch.

(horn honking)

Hi, thank you.

Like BET, the network will also air sitcoms

such as Gay Sanford and Son.

I gave that money back to the church.

It's the right thing to do.

Lamont, you big gay dummy!

Oh, gay pop.

Come on, gay Julio.

Adios, Mr. Sanford.

This is the big gay one!

Why they dicks so small