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1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:02,603
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:02,644 --> 00:00:04,338
Oww.
3
00:00:04,379 --> 00:00:06,073
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
4
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,808
Whoo-hoo.
5
00:00:07,849 --> 00:00:09,543
Yeah, yeah.
6
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:14,314
(announcer)
Dave... Chappelle!
7
00:00:14,355 --> 00:00:15,616
What's up!
8
00:00:15,657 --> 00:00:18,652
Oh, man.
9
00:00:18,693 --> 00:00:22,122
What's poppin', y'all?
10
00:00:22,163 --> 00:00:24,290
I don't know if
you guys know this,
11
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:26,500
but my favorite TV show
is comin' back on the air.
12
00:00:26,501 --> 00:00:28,669
It's called
"Making the Band."
13
00:00:28,670 --> 00:00:30,797
Wooo, it's a beast!
14
00:00:30,838 --> 00:00:35,569
Puff Daddy takes five people,
puts 'em in a house together,
15
00:00:35,610 --> 00:00:37,344
makes 'em cut a record
for Bad Boy.
16
00:00:37,345 --> 00:00:40,340
They argue, they fight...
oh, the fights!
17
00:00:40,381 --> 00:00:43,377
The drama!
18
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:44,718
If you haven't seen
the first season,
19
00:00:44,719 --> 00:00:46,019
you don't know what
I'm talkin' about.
20
00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:48,188
Here's the highlights
from the first season.
21
00:00:48,189 --> 00:00:50,317
(hip-hop music)
22
00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,352
("P. Diddy")
Congratulations.
23
00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:56,430
Y'all made it inside
the house, you did good.
24
00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:58,124
All right,
this is what's up:
25
00:00:58,125 --> 00:01:01,161
You can live here,
you can record here,
26
00:01:01,202 --> 00:01:03,370
you can be Bad Boy
artists here.
27
00:01:03,371 --> 00:01:05,101
But if you wanna do it,
28
00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:09,406
first y'all gotta walk to Queens
and get me a sugar cookie.
29
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:15,515
(Jamaican accent) A sugar
cookie, man, this is crazy.
30
00:01:15,516 --> 00:01:21,114
We got... come on, man...
Bad Boy.
31
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,151
A sugar cookie, man.
32
00:01:24,192 --> 00:01:27,620
Look, this is not what I got in
the music business to be doing.
33
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:30,222
To be a sugar cookie-getter,
you know, I'm a rapper.
34
00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:33,303
Who are the five best
rappers of all time?
35
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:35,429
Think about it.
36
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:38,899
Dylan, Dylan...
37
00:01:38,940 --> 00:01:41,068
Dylan, Dylan,
and Dylan.
38
00:01:41,109 --> 00:01:44,104
Because I spit hot fire.
39
00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:47,605
It's a good-ass
sugar cookie.
40
00:01:47,615 --> 00:01:51,478
You guys are official, now,
welcome to Bad Boy.
41
00:01:51,519 --> 00:01:53,213
It's Bad Boy, baby.
42
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:56,683
Can't stop...
won't stop.
43
00:01:56,724 --> 00:01:58,852
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
44
00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:02,362
I'm sending y'all
to the studio.
45
00:02:02,363 --> 00:02:04,097
I want you to turn
Daddy out a hit,
46
00:02:04,098 --> 00:02:06,225
but I need you to be
a family unit
47
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:08,394
and love each other,
or this will never work.
48
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:09,736
That's right, man,
that's right.
49
00:02:09,737 --> 00:02:12,299
Go out there
and get Daddy a hit.
50
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,901
I'm gonna take a nap.
51
00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:23,183
What'd you do?!
52
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:25,312
(shouting)
53
00:02:25,353 --> 00:02:28,348
Let 'em fight,
let 'em fight!
54
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:29,650
(punching)
55
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,686
I'm shuttin'
the studio down.
56
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,027
(record scratch)
57
00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:37,048
The only way I could
keep the studio open
58
00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:39,192
is if y'all go out
59
00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:41,401
and walk through
northern New Jersey,
60
00:02:41,402 --> 00:02:44,831
get me a set of
left-handed golf clubs.
61
00:02:44,872 --> 00:02:48,735
I also need you to take
a picture with a midget,
62
00:02:48,776 --> 00:02:50,904
holdin' these balloons.
63
00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:58,752
(P. Diddy)
Take a picture with a midget,
64
00:02:58,753 --> 00:03:02,223
holdin' these balloons...
holdin' these balloons...
65
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,351
you did it.
66
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,993
You went out, you found my man,
you found a midget, man,
67
00:03:06,994 --> 00:03:09,555
and you got the pictures,
you got the golf clubs...
68
00:03:09,556 --> 00:03:11,765
here's the keys
to the studio.
69
00:03:11,766 --> 00:03:14,327
Now, if y'all excuse me,
70
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:16,970
I'm goin' scuba diving with
Chris Tucker and Aquaman.
71
00:03:16,971 --> 00:03:19,533
You be cool...
giddyup.
72
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,605
(punching)
73
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:26,947
(Dylan)
What's happening?
74
00:03:26,948 --> 00:03:29,509
We're supposed
to be a family.
75
00:03:29,550 --> 00:03:31,244
What are you doing?
76
00:03:31,285 --> 00:03:32,675
Not like this, man!
77
00:03:32,979 --> 00:03:35,582
Y'all not
workin' like a team.
78
00:03:35,623 --> 00:03:37,791
I gotta shut
the studio down, yo.
79
00:03:37,792 --> 00:03:39,486
(record scratch)
80
00:03:39,527 --> 00:03:42,562
All right, the only way I'll
open the studio up now,
81
00:03:42,563 --> 00:03:45,233
y'all gotta walk uptown
to the Bronx
82
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:49,463
and get breast milk from
a Cambodian immigrant.
83
00:03:49,504 --> 00:03:52,499
I only drink the finest
breast milks.
84
00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:56,403
Go out there and
milk a Cambodian.
85
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:05,946
It's 100% Cambodian, yo.
86
00:04:05,987 --> 00:04:08,115
It's the real shit.
87
00:04:08,156 --> 00:04:10,717
(clink clink clink)
88
00:04:10,758 --> 00:04:13,754
Breast milk...
89
00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:17,657
you made my
day-ayyy...
90
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,903
not only am I gonna
open the studio up,
91
00:04:22,904 --> 00:04:25,505
I'm sendin' you in there
with a legend.
92
00:04:25,506 --> 00:04:27,666
That's right,
Wyclef, playboy.
93
00:04:27,675 --> 00:04:30,277
No disrespect, I wanted to
work with Wyclef
94
00:04:30,278 --> 00:04:32,879
more than I wanted
to work with Puff.
95
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,614
Yo, Dylan, you ready to
get it started, baby?
96
00:04:34,615 --> 00:04:35,916
All right,
here we go.
97
00:04:35,917 --> 00:04:37,177
(clears throat)
98
00:04:37,218 --> 00:04:38,518
Bumbaclaat
bumbaclaat
99
00:04:38,519 --> 00:04:40,039
bumba bumba bumbaclaat
100
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,463
a rump un tomp
a rump un ting
101
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,418
a rumpa tumpa tump
a rump un sting
102
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:48,061
I rip and I rhyme
I rhyme and I rip
103
00:04:48,062 --> 00:04:50,230
'dis is the way
that Dylan spits...
104
00:04:50,231 --> 00:04:52,399
you... you tryin' to get
some of this hot fire?
105
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:57,130
We can either make this song,
or not make this song.
106
00:04:57,564 --> 00:05:00,874
You're too close, man!
You're too close, man!
107
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,243
Hey, you all
gonna choke a legend?
108
00:05:03,244 --> 00:05:04,978
You don't think
I wann' choke people?
109
00:05:04,979 --> 00:05:07,581
You can't just
choke all your problems.
110
00:05:07,582 --> 00:05:09,709
This takes hard work.
111
00:05:09,750 --> 00:05:12,312
If I had my way,
I'd never work.
112
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:15,822
I'd just stay home all day,
watch "Scarface" 50 times,
113
00:05:15,823 --> 00:05:18,385
eat a turkey sandwich,
114
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,987
and have sex
all fuckin' day.
115
00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:24,931
Then I'd dress up like a clown
and surprise kids at schools.
116
00:05:24,932 --> 00:05:27,493
Then I'd take a dump in
the back of a movie theater,
117
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,795
and just wait,
118
00:05:28,836 --> 00:05:31,746
'til somebody sat in it,
hear it squish.
119
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,173
That's funny to me.
120
00:05:33,174 --> 00:05:36,603
Then I'd paint, and read,
and play violin.
121
00:05:36,644 --> 00:05:37,944
I'd climb the mountains
122
00:05:37,945 --> 00:05:40,547
and sing the songs
that I like to sing.
123
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,282
But I don't
got that kinda time.
124
00:05:42,283 --> 00:05:43,977
Playboy...
playboy.
125
00:05:44,018 --> 00:05:47,013
You just gonna comb
your hair, playboy?
126
00:05:47,054 --> 00:05:50,523
Sara, you just gonna talk up
all your anytime minutes?
127
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:53,520
Is this anytime?
Huh?
128
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,898
Babs, you just gonna sit there
and chop onions right now?
129
00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:01,328
Good time to
chop onions?
130
00:06:01,369 --> 00:06:02,235
Look at this nigga...
131
00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:04,796
you just gonna
do your taxes, Ness?
132
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,573
You just gonna sit there
and crunch numbers?
133
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:07,844
Huh, is that hot?
134
00:06:07,875 --> 00:06:10,911
Is that what's goin' on in the
streets right now, your taxes?
135
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,606
All right, look...
136
00:06:12,647 --> 00:06:15,682
I got some good news and
I got some bad news, y'all.
137
00:06:15,683 --> 00:06:19,546
The bad news is that I'm
shuttin' down the studio.
138
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,281
(record scratch)
139
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,450
The good news
140
00:06:23,491 --> 00:06:28,221
is that I just saved a lot of
money on my car insurance.
141
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,993
Fonzworth!
Bring me a sandwich!
142
00:06:33,034 --> 00:06:36,029
(Outkast's
"The Way You Move" plays)
143
00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,367
He can fly, man.
144
00:06:40,408 --> 00:06:42,969
He can fly,
he believes in himself.
145
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:52,078
Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.
146
00:06:52,119 --> 00:06:54,681
(applause)
147
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,529
We gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
148
00:07:02,530 --> 00:07:03,800
Don't go nowhere,
149
00:07:03,831 --> 00:07:07,261
we'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
150
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:13,099
Chappelle's Show.
Oww.!
151
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,308
Hey, everybody, welcome back.
152
00:07:15,309 --> 00:07:21,341
You know, folks, you ever be
watchin' a ball game,
153
00:07:21,382 --> 00:07:23,943
and then these beer
commercials come on
154
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,586
and it just makes it seem like
dudes go out and drink beer,
155
00:07:26,587 --> 00:07:28,715
and have the best time?
156
00:07:28,756 --> 00:07:30,490
Let me tell you somethin'
about drinkin' beer.
157
00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:33,920
Drinkin' beer brings the
animal out in somebody.
158
00:07:33,961 --> 00:07:36,563
And I know alcohol companies
sponsor my show.
159
00:07:36,564 --> 00:07:37,864
I ain't talkin'
about them.
160
00:07:37,865 --> 00:07:39,165
Them shits are delicious.
161
00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:42,161
I'm talkin' about the rest
of 'em, they go too far.
162
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:43,503
The ads are irresponsible.
163
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:44,804
Why don't they make
an honest commercial
164
00:07:44,805 --> 00:07:46,973
that shows the animal
that beer brings out?
165
00:07:46,974 --> 00:07:48,234
Like this.
166
00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:50,443
Hey...
what night is it, guys?
167
00:07:50,444 --> 00:07:52,572
(all)
Dudes' night out!
168
00:07:52,613 --> 00:07:54,307
Yeah!
169
00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:56,476
Dudes, dudes, dudes...
170
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:57,817
I don't know what
it is, you know?
171
00:07:57,818 --> 00:07:59,512
Oh.
172
00:07:59,553 --> 00:08:02,983
Yo, excuse me,
what are you...?
173
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:05,150
Hey, man, what do you mean,
don't worry about it?!
174
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,493
I bought that bitch
a drink!
175
00:08:06,494 --> 00:08:07,753
I don't play that!
176
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,529
Eh! eh!
Look out, Billy!
177
00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:12,525
Oh! what?!
178
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:15,127
You think this is a game,
bl-yatch?!
179
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:16,903
This is dudes' night out!
180
00:08:16,904 --> 00:08:18,164
Ahhhh!
181
00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:21,201
Motherfucker!
182
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,538
Dudes' night out!
183
00:08:25,579 --> 00:08:29,442
Only reason I'm cryin' is
'cause of the adrenaline.
184
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:36,816
Oh, no, man, no!
185
00:08:36,857 --> 00:08:38,551
Dudes' night out!
186
00:08:38,592 --> 00:08:42,455
(tinkling)
187
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,528
Dudes' night out!
188
00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:51,131
Hey... hey, little lady...
189
00:08:51,172 --> 00:08:54,167
y'all wanna
party wit' us?
190
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:55,902
Oh!
191
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,677
Oh, nigga,
that's a dude!
192
00:08:57,678 --> 00:08:58,978
Shut the fuck up, Dave.
193
00:08:58,979 --> 00:09:02,842
I am drunk,
and I am horny.
194
00:09:02,883 --> 00:09:04,144
Hey, baby...
195
00:09:04,185 --> 00:09:05,919
Ha!
You're jealous, Dave!
196
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,654
(Dave)
No, don't do it!
197
00:09:07,655 --> 00:09:09,349
Noooo!
198
00:09:09,390 --> 00:09:10,610
Dudes' night out!
199
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:13,686
Let's go.
200
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,855
Let's get out of here.
201
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,458
Yo.
202
00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:20,229
A mouth's a mouth, man.
203
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:21,061
What?
204
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:22,362
I'm out.
205
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,096
Billy,
what are you doin'?
206
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,832
Billy... billy!
207
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,133
Ahh!
208
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:28,908
I'm just gonna
be a minute.
209
00:09:28,909 --> 00:09:33,206
Hey, Steve!
Hey, you guys!
210
00:09:33,247 --> 00:09:36,241
(billy) Yo, Tommy... Tony...
whatever your name is.
211
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:38,411
'Bye, Dave.
212
00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:42,314
When it's dudes' night out,
it's got to be Schlipp's.
213
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,524
Hey, everybody, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break.
214
00:09:44,525 --> 00:09:48,388
But don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
215
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,226
Okay!
216
00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:57,130
Turn on your t.v.
What you gonna see
217
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,600
welcome back!
218
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:05,371
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
219
00:10:05,412 --> 00:10:09,275
Y'know, folks...
220
00:10:09,316 --> 00:10:11,877
I don't know about
any of you guys,
221
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,219
but I'm a parent,
all right?
222
00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:15,822
There's a lot of wild things
goin' on in the world,
223
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:19,726
and it's very hard to explain
these things to your children.
224
00:10:19,727 --> 00:10:23,737
That's all right, 'cause
tonight I'm going to help you.
225
00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:26,232
I have created a show
that helps to explain
226
00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:28,795
the evils of the world
to youth,
227
00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:30,529
in a way that
they can understand
228
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:31,871
and that's
palatable to them.
229
00:10:31,872 --> 00:10:33,606
And I hope you enjoy it.
230
00:10:33,607 --> 00:10:35,301
Here it is.
231
00:10:35,342 --> 00:10:37,036
(kiddie music)
232
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,414
Hey, everyone,
look what I found.
233
00:10:41,415 --> 00:10:43,109
It's... it's a dagger!
234
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:45,278
Wow!
Wow!
235
00:10:45,319 --> 00:10:48,314
Whoa, that's not
a toy, there, Robert!
236
00:10:48,355 --> 00:10:50,483
Bobble!
237
00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:52,218
Hey, kids.
238
00:10:52,259 --> 00:10:54,427
Hey, you better be careful when
you're handlin' those things.
239
00:10:54,428 --> 00:10:58,291
That's not a dagger at all,
it's called a syringe.
240
00:10:58,332 --> 00:11:00,934
People use it to inject
a drug called heroin
241
00:11:00,935 --> 00:11:03,102
directly into
their bloodstream.
242
00:11:03,103 --> 00:11:04,364
Why?
243
00:11:04,405 --> 00:11:06,139
Probably because
you get higher that way
244
00:11:06,140 --> 00:11:07,834
than sniffing it.
245
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,043
Bobble, why do
people get high?
246
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:12,212
Oh, very good question,
young lady.
247
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:13,513
For all kinds of reasons.
248
00:11:13,514 --> 00:11:16,508
Some people think they need it
just to get through the day.
249
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,718
And some people
just like to party
250
00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:20,453
and can quit
whenever they want.
251
00:11:20,454 --> 00:11:22,582
Like me.
252
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,185
Dah!
253
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,486
Ohhh...
254
00:11:26,527 --> 00:11:28,655
eeeeyaahhh...
255
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,992
uhh.
256
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,635
Kids, there are a lot of
double standards
257
00:11:35,636 --> 00:11:38,198
about drugs
in this country.
258
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,366
(music starts)
259
00:11:40,407 --> 00:11:43,403
Kids, it's time
to keep it real
260
00:11:43,444 --> 00:11:45,572
life is hard
261
00:11:45,613 --> 00:11:47,740
and I can't deal
262
00:11:47,781 --> 00:11:50,777
I know it looks
a certain way
263
00:11:50,818 --> 00:11:56,416
but people get high
every day...
264
00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:02,922
some people do it
with cigarette smokin'
265
00:12:02,963 --> 00:12:07,260
others treat their headaches
with ibuprofen
266
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:12,031
your grandpa talks
about self-respect
267
00:12:12,072 --> 00:12:15,935
and then he takes drugs
to keep his cock erect
268
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:19,839
but it's all
drugs to me
269
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:25,044
it's all drugs to me
270
00:12:25,085 --> 00:12:27,213
(moans)
271
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,816
That junk's
kickin' in, kids.
272
00:12:29,857 --> 00:12:32,025
It feels like I have a million
teeny tiny kitty cats
273
00:12:32,026 --> 00:12:33,720
rubbing my balls,
274
00:12:33,761 --> 00:12:36,321
as I skeet skeet skeet
all over the walls!
275
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:38,491
Ah ha ha haaa!
276
00:12:38,532 --> 00:12:40,266
Lemme bring
this bitch home.
277
00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:44,564
They're all...
278
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:48,901
drugs...
to...
279
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:09,289
meeeee
280
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:14,534
I'm going to
the emergency room.
281
00:13:14,535 --> 00:13:16,229
Bye-bye, kids.
282
00:13:16,270 --> 00:13:21,434
You see, kids, always
throw away your trash.
283
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:23,603
Uhh.
284
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:26,639
I'm fuckin' dyin', man!
285
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,676
Hey!
286
00:13:29,717 --> 00:13:31,451
(kids)
It's Stinky the Grom.
287
00:13:31,452 --> 00:13:33,146
Fuck you, too.
288
00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:34,487
What's wrong,
Stinky?
289
00:13:34,488 --> 00:13:36,222
Besides livin'
in a trash can
290
00:13:36,223 --> 00:13:38,391
and havin' a syringe lodged
in my fuckin' head,
291
00:13:38,392 --> 00:13:40,520
nothin', I guess.
292
00:13:40,561 --> 00:13:42,254
Where are your parents,
anyway?
293
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:44,030
My mommy and
daddy are at work.
294
00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:45,725
Oh, yeah?
295
00:13:45,766 --> 00:13:47,934
Well, me, I gave up workin'
a long time ago.
296
00:13:47,935 --> 00:13:49,629
Don't give up, Stinky!
297
00:13:49,670 --> 00:13:53,139
My dad says, if you never
give up, and work hard,
298
00:13:53,140 --> 00:13:55,410
all your dreams
will come true.
299
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,344
That's the gayest shit
I ever heard.
300
00:13:58,345 --> 00:13:59,605
What?
301
00:13:59,646 --> 00:14:00,907
(music starts)
302
00:14:00,948 --> 00:14:03,509
I don't believe
yo' pappy
303
00:14:03,550 --> 00:14:06,979
he may be rich
but he ain't happy
304
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:10,056
tells you 'bout work
and you want to be him
305
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:13,486
but when's the last time
you got to see him?
306
00:14:13,527 --> 00:14:16,089
He works hard, why?
307
00:14:16,130 --> 00:14:19,559
So you can go out
and buy
308
00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:23,029
a bunch of shit
that you don't need
309
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:26,499
driven by your
punk-ass hopes and greed
310
00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:29,535
that's why
I say
311
00:14:29,576 --> 00:14:31,270
fuck it
312
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:35,608
for the first time
in my life
313
00:14:35,649 --> 00:14:39,078
I'm finally free
314
00:14:39,119 --> 00:14:43,416
no mansion for me
I said "fuck it"
315
00:14:43,457 --> 00:14:48,187
no brand new Humvee
I say "fuck it"
316
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:52,959
but you'll get
no pussy
317
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,128
fuck it
318
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:58,164
what you don't
understand
319
00:14:58,205 --> 00:15:01,200
is I make love
to my hand
320
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,670
so I don't
need you, honey
321
00:15:05,104 --> 00:15:08,574
I beat my dick
like it owes me money
322
00:15:08,615 --> 00:15:10,309
fuck it
323
00:15:10,350 --> 00:15:13,346
that's right,
I said fuck it.
324
00:15:13,387 --> 00:15:14,687
Now, if you'll excuse me,
325
00:15:14,688 --> 00:15:18,168
I'm gonna go and make me
a nice feces sandwich.
326
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:22,021
Look, it's Dangle!
327
00:15:22,062 --> 00:15:24,190
And, hey,
you're Chris Rock!
328
00:15:24,231 --> 00:15:27,151
It's Dave Chappelle, but...
close enough.
329
00:15:27,226 --> 00:15:28,568
Where are
you guys going?
330
00:15:28,569 --> 00:15:30,736
Well, Dangle's
not feeling well,
331
00:15:30,737 --> 00:15:32,472
so I'm taking him
to the doctor.
332
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:34,167
What's wrong, Dangle?
333
00:15:34,208 --> 00:15:35,942
Actually,
it's my penis.
334
00:15:35,943 --> 00:15:37,637
What's that?
335
00:15:37,678 --> 00:15:38,938
(unzipping)
336
00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:41,541
(kids)
Ewww...
337
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,918
when I pee-pee
it burns like hell.
338
00:15:45,919 --> 00:15:48,480
I have what's known as
a "venereal disease."
339
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:49,822
How did you get it?
340
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:51,517
From fuckin'.
341
00:15:51,558 --> 00:15:55,421
I got so much puppet ass,
it could be from anywhere!
342
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:58,024
What's the
sickness called?
343
00:15:58,065 --> 00:15:59,759
I'm not sure, Robert.
344
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,100
That's why we're
going to the doctor.
345
00:16:01,101 --> 00:16:04,963
There's a lot of different kinds
of penis sicknesses out there.
346
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,264
Isn't that right, Q-Tip?
347
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:07,607
That's right, Dave.
348
00:16:07,608 --> 00:16:09,735
All kinds.
349
00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:14,073
Sex isn't wrong
but you gotta be right
350
00:16:14,114 --> 00:16:18,411
if you're hitting the sheets
then wrap it up tight
351
00:16:18,452 --> 00:16:22,748
listen up, kids
'cause I ain't jokin'
352
00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:24,484
one bad decision
353
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:27,520
your dick will
be smokin'
354
00:16:27,561 --> 00:16:31,424
you'll catch a VD
But don't take it from me...
355
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,245
(sizzling)
356
00:16:52,286 --> 00:16:56,147
Oh, hello, Dave Chappelle,
haven't seen you for a while.
357
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:57,490
What's it been,
two months?
358
00:16:57,491 --> 00:16:59,185
Dirty motherfucker!
359
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,539
Oh...
here come the crabs.
360
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,234
The crabs
361
00:17:15,275 --> 00:17:16,102
oh yes.
362
00:17:16,143 --> 00:17:20,439
The crab
the crabssss...
363
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:21,741
ole!
364
00:17:24,343 --> 00:17:26,078
This nigga's a freak.
365
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,634
I'm the herpes
the herpes
366
00:17:48,675 --> 00:17:50,895
see you in hell,
motherfuckers.
367
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,406
Ooh, baby,
I like it raw.
368
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:54,707
Oh, gosh.
369
00:17:54,748 --> 00:17:56,442
Wow, life is hard.
370
00:17:56,483 --> 00:17:57,783
Nah, it's not, Lisa.
371
00:17:57,784 --> 00:17:59,518
All right, look,
if you just remember
372
00:17:59,519 --> 00:18:01,646
to keep your genitals
outta harm's way,
373
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:05,117
don't chase money,
and refrain from littering...
374
00:18:05,158 --> 00:18:07,286
you'll be a winner!
375
00:18:07,327 --> 00:18:09,889
(kids cheering)
376
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:11,823
Q-Tip, take us home!
377
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:13,098
Come on, kids!
378
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:15,094
It's a VD day
379
00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:17,697
VD day
a VD day
380
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:19,432
it's a VD day
381
00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:22,902
VD day
a VD day
382
00:18:22,943 --> 00:18:25,973
we're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
383
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:29,842
VD is in the house,
what's up, VD?
384
00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:36,349
We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
385
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:40,572
Chappelle's Show.
386
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:44,123
Better not
bring your kids.
387
00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:45,424
(applause)
388
00:18:45,465 --> 00:18:48,067
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's musical guest,
389
00:18:48,068 --> 00:18:49,518
the voice of Dangle,
390
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:54,100
none other than
Snoop Doggy Dogg!
391
00:18:54,141 --> 00:18:55,835
Yeah, what up...
392
00:18:55,876 --> 00:18:58,477
who let this motherfuckin'
basehead on stage?
393
00:18:58,478 --> 00:18:59,779
Hit this
motherfucker, G!
394
00:18:59,780 --> 00:19:02,341
Nah, man,
I can't do that shit.
395
00:19:02,382 --> 00:19:03,209
What?!
396
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,418
I been dealin' here
for five months,
397
00:19:05,419 --> 00:19:07,153
and he ain't hit the pipe
in front of me yet!
398
00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:08,454
So what you sayin'?
399
00:19:08,455 --> 00:19:11,450
I'm sayin',
I think you 5-0.
400
00:19:11,491 --> 00:19:12,752
5-0?
401
00:19:12,793 --> 00:19:14,920
Nigga, I ain't 5-0.
402
00:19:14,961 --> 00:19:17,711
Well then, hit this
motherfucker, then!
403
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:21,427
I can feel it!
404
00:19:21,468 --> 00:19:24,937
Have to show this nigga I ain't
no motherfuckin' police...
405
00:19:24,938 --> 00:19:27,933
I'm a take you
on a ride, Tyrone.
406
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,102
Check this out, nigga.
407
00:19:30,143 --> 00:19:32,745
Creep with me as I crawl
through the 'hood
408
00:19:32,746 --> 00:19:35,306
maniac, lunatic
call 'em Snoop Eastwood
409
00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:37,083
kickin' dust
as I bust fuck peace
410
00:19:37,084 --> 00:19:39,645
and, the motherfuckin'
punk police
411
00:19:39,686 --> 00:19:42,288
you already know I gives
a fuck about a cop
412
00:19:42,289 --> 00:19:44,890
so why in the fuck would you
think that it would stop?
413
00:19:44,891 --> 00:19:47,493
Plot, hell yeah
that's what I'm about to do
414
00:19:47,494 --> 00:19:50,488
take your ass on a mission
with the boys in blue
415
00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:53,091
Dre... what up, Snoop
yo I got the feelin'
416
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:54,826
tonight's the night
like Betty Wright
417
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,037
and I'm chillin'
418
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,903
killin', feelin'
no remorse, yeah
419
00:19:57,904 --> 00:20:01,344
so let's go straight to
the motherfuckin' source
420
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:03,068
and see what we can find
421
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,670
crooked-ass cops that pop us
and give us a gang of times
422
00:20:05,671 --> 00:20:07,880
and now they wanna
make a deal with me
423
00:20:07,881 --> 00:20:10,049
scoop me up
and put me on they team
424
00:20:10,050 --> 00:20:13,085
and chill with me
and make my pockets bigger
425
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:15,254
they want to meet with me
tonight at 7:00
426
00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:16,989
so whassup nigga?
What you wanna do?
427
00:20:16,990 --> 00:20:18,290
What you
tryin' to do?
428
00:20:18,291 --> 00:20:20,893
I got the gauge, my uzi
and your motherfuckin'.22
429
00:20:20,894 --> 00:20:23,496
so if you wanna blast
nigga, we can buck 'em
430
00:20:23,497 --> 00:20:25,664
if we stick 'em then we
stuck 'em so fuck 'em
431
00:20:25,665 --> 00:20:28,227
I said, yeah
and you don't stop
432
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,870
'cause it's 1-8-7 on
a motherfuckin' rock
433
00:20:30,871 --> 00:20:32,998
yeah, and you don't stop
434
00:20:33,039 --> 00:20:36,075
'cause it's 1-8-7 on
the motherfuckin' rock
435
00:20:36,076 --> 00:20:37,810
on the
motherfuckin' rock?
436
00:20:37,811 --> 00:20:40,372
1-8-7 on the
motherfuckin'...
437
00:20:40,413 --> 00:20:42,541
rock...
that's how I do.
438
00:20:42,582 --> 00:20:45,144
I can't
put you on that one.
439
00:20:45,185 --> 00:20:47,313
(applause)
440
00:20:47,354 --> 00:20:49,522
Like to thank my guest,
Snoop Dogg.
441
00:20:49,523 --> 00:20:51,649
I'd like to thank
venereal diseases,
442
00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:52,992
and the kids
and everybody.
443
00:20:52,993 --> 00:20:55,161
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watchin'.
444
00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:57,289
I will see you next week.
445
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,192
I'm rich
bi-yatch!
446
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:01,667
(honk honk)
447
00:21:01,668 --> 00:21:03,362
Hi, thank you!
448
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:08,133
I have what's known as a
sexually transmitted disease.
449
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:09,041
(man)
How'd you get it?
450
00:21:09,042 --> 00:21:10,736
From fuckin'.
451
00:21:10,777 --> 00:21:12,905
(laughs)
452
00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:25,918
(clink clink
clink clink)
453
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,521
Breast milk...
454
00:21:28,562 --> 00:21:30,256
(laughs)
31335
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