Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

Whoa!

What's up?

What's up on the top.

Man.

You know, ah...

y'know what's funny, man,

there's two things that start happening to me a lot now,

since I started the second season.

One, like, when I walk down the street,

people always scream stuff out.

Like I'll be with my kids and people be like,

"I'm Rick James, bitch."

And all this stuff.

The other thing that happens,

and which I think is the worst,

is when people come up to me and try to give me ideas

for the show.

Send them shits through the proper channels, all right.

Now, I'm not saying I'm not open,

just pick your spots.

As a matter of fact, if you knew

what was going through my mind

when you pitch me that kind of stuff,

you wouldn't even talk to me,

because I'll think about anything

but what you're talking about.

For example...

I love you, baby.

Oh, I know you do.

Come here girl, give me some.

Excuse me, I hate to interrupt,

but I just had to say hello.

Hey, man, how you doing?

Is this a bad time?

You kinda caught me in the middle of something with...

cool.

So, I'm sure you get this all the time,

but I have the perfect idea for you.

It's a movie.

Is it cool if I sit down?

This'll only take a minute.

I'm Frank Feldman.

You kind of caught me and the wife at a bad time.

We were just... it's a love story.

You play an underground street poet named Colt 45.

He's a rebel with a big heart.

He's a loner because his wife has been killed

by the chief financial officer of the company

that she used to work for...

(thinking) Bicycle.

Monkey.

Ashy Larry.

...he's a volunteer veterinarian on Wednesdays...

I wonder what Arsenio's doing right now.

He probably at a wine and cheese party.

Damn, that's some good-ass cheese!

If you don't tell him how good the cheese is, he'll be mad.

How come you didn't tell me how good the cheese was?

Motherfucker.

Some good-ass cheese.

What are you looking at?

I was...

Bob Eubanks-lookin' motherfucker,

you should've told me how good the cheese was!

I was thinking the villain

could be played by Rod Stewart...

man, I should've been a rapper.

That look like fun.

How you gonna rip it like this, son

how you gonna rip it like that, son

I don't play that because it's action...

but I need a gimmick.

...that's right I'm the Black Sheep

the real Black Sheep

I'm the Black Sheep, the real Black Sheep

I say ugh...

...so we have this big showdown

at the foot of the space shuttle.

Do-dl-le do-dl-le do-de-le-lo

do-dl-le do-dl-le do-de-le-lo

do-dl-le do-dl-le do-de-le-lo

my company is willing to offer you $12,000,000.

(dinging register) $12,000,000!

Frank, right?

You want something to drink?

Waitress, get this nigga something to drink.

Look, Frank, I don't know if you know this,

y'know those skits on Chappelle's Show.,

I write a lot of those.

And I'm thinking maybe I could give you some ideas

to make Colt a more interesting character.

I would love to hear 'em.

All right, well, instead of calling him Colt 45,

first of all, we've got to change the name...

(thinking) Nascar race.

Unicorns.

Dirty diapers.

...instead of the space shuttle,

we make it right on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

That's good.

(thinking) Wonder what my girl thinkin' about.

(thinking) You know who I'd love to have sex with...

(laughing)

Do-dl-le do-dl-le do-de-le-lo

do-dl-le do-dl-le do-de-le-lo

do-dl-le do-dl-le do-de-le-lo...

all right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break y'all.

Don't go nowhere, we'll be right back.

(applauding)

Chappelle's Show.

Wow.

(ringing phone)

Hello.

Dave, it's Oprah.

Oh, hey what's up girl?

Look Dave, I'm pregnant.

Are you sure it's mine?

No, Dave, listen, it's yours.

Got ya bitch!

What?

Just hold on one second.

(laughing)

All right, look, Oprah,

I'm gonna fly to Chicago tomorrow, okay.

But I'm going to need you to send me a ticket.

I'll fly you out.

Oh, oh, oh, and baby,

can you have a limousine pick me up

at the baggage claim,

because I don't have no cab money to get from the airport

to your house.

Okay, sure thing.

Thanks, boo.

Oprah... I love you, baby.

I love you too, David Chappelle.

All right, I'm gonna go to work and tell everybody

the good news tomorrow,

and I'll see you in Chicago.

Bye-bye.

Hey, everybody, I've got an announcement to make!

Ding, ding, ding ding, ding!

I quit!

Oh!

Kiss my ass, everybody!

Excuse me, can I have a quick word with you?

Ah, kiss my ass.

Can you type a memo of that and send it around?

(laughing)

I quit!

Dave, what's gotten into you?

Oh, Sally, it's not what's gotten into me,

it's what's gotten into Oprah:

My seed, son!

(laughing)

I'm rich, bitch!

Hey, hey, you know I never approved this.

Nobody ever listens to me around here.

I'm not dangerous!

At least I wasn't dangerous.

(laughing)

Morgan.

Guys, I almost forgot...

remember your spirit.

(farts)

(laughs)

Oh, it sprayed.

I'll see you in Chicago.

Well we're movin' on up...

bye, baby, have a good day at work.

Try to stay off your feet, boo.

(moaning)

Yeah, that feels... oh, that...

hello.

Hey, baby, how was the show?

Not bad.

Oh, this is Chung Lee.

Chung Lee, this is my baby's momma, Oprah.

Baby, hey, baby, you mind if I get a happy ending?

She didn't say no.

All right, I'm ready.

(Oprah) I'm home.

Hey, baby.

It's Bruce Lee's brother.

Hello, I love your show.

$7,000 an hour.

Sounds expensive, but I think the safety

of you and our baby is priceless, all right.

Check this out.

(screaming)

Get away from Oprah!

(laughing)

(Oprah) Hello.

Hey, baby, how was the show?

Oh, oh, this is Felicia.

Felicia, this is my baby's momma, Oprah.

Mm-wah!

Be out in a minute, sweetie.

I'm just painting, finishing up.

Let me fill this out a little bit over here...

took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill

now we're up in the big leagues

I gettin' my turn at bat...

(Oprah) David.

Oh, snap!

Hey, everybody, it's the lady that made it all possible.

Give it up for my baby's momma,

Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.

What's happening, baby?

How was the show?

Why don't you go ahead and run the bathwater,

and I'll come and put some salt in a minute.

I know your feet probably hurting.

All right, now, all right.

Hey, Steve, you mind pushing the button?

I'm gonna take it from the top.

Fish don't fry in the kitchen

beans don't burn on the grill

took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill...

(ringing phone)

Hello.

You again.

Look, Stedman, you gonna have to move on, alright?

No, fuck that, I don't care what y'all had.

She's having my baby, okay?

So you leave this family alone.

I love her!

Fine, whatever, bitch.

(Oprah) Dave, honey, who was that on the phone?

Huh... baby, it's nobody.

It was for me.

Just go back in the bath.

Stedman Graham, if you fuck this up for me...

there you go! (moaning)

Yes, yeah!

You did it, boo, you...

what the fuck!

Nigga looks just like Dr. Phil!

Women are smart, men are stupid.

Oh, shit!

Oprah, what about our dreams, huh?

Sorry, Dave.

What am I gonna do now?

I quit my job.

Shit!

Stedman, we gonna get this bitch.

(laughing)

Oprah! (echoing)

We'll take a quick commercial break.

Don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle show.

The greatest show

(applause)

Y'know me and my co-writer/producer/creator

friend of mine, Neal Brennan,

we always have this on-going discussion.

Every time there's a black celebrity in trouble,

Neal doesn't believe that I never think he's guilty,

and the reason he thinks that

is because I never think they're guilty.

It's just how I roll, man.

To me, it's all about reasonable doubt.

What's reasonable doubt to a white person, you know,

might not be a reasonable doubt to a black person.

If they had me on jury selection

at some of these celebrity trials,

it'd be a long day, a long day.

(man) Ah, Mr. Chappelle?

Yes.

Are you aware that Mr. Simpson

is going to be on trial for a double homicide?

Yeah, I heard about it.

It's all bullshit, man.

O.J. Ain't gonna kill nobody, he's rich.

But Mr. Chappelle, what if I told you

that we had DNA evidence

linking Mr. Simpson to the scene of the crime?

Then I'd have to ask you where you found it.

In his bedroom, at the crime scene,

and in his car.

In the car?

Right in his car?

Damn.

And, and in the bedroom too?

In the bedroom.

Damn.

I... damn.

Then I'd probably just ask you, "how'd they find it?"

The police found a bloody glove

on O.J.'s property.

Sir, I'm not impressed, all right.

Who... what black man don't have some bloody gloves

on his property?

Nigga, I got one right here.

That don't mean I did anything.

Sir, if somebody murdered your family

and the police found a bloody glove on O.J.'s property

and a witness heard strange bangings

minutes after the murders...

I'd have to be real confused

because nobody in my family beef with O.J. like that.

And we would've killed O.J. After the first time

he beat my sister up.

We would've whupped his ass.

We would've made real orange juice out of that nigga.

So, you ain't gonna find no bloody gloves.

If anything happened... you can quote me, sir...

they would find some bloody gloves

at our house.

But this was before...

O.J. would be dead, nigga, and that's real.

Detective Mark Fuhrman was one of the lead detectives

Fuhrman? On the case and...

Fuhrman?

He's a racist, it's a racist name.

Fuhrman.

You're sayin', what is he a furor, German...

Fuhrman, German.

Sound a little familiar to you?

I'm sorry, sir, but he probably says "nigger" a lot,

with a name like that.

I can't comment.

I bet you can't.

But as a person who says "nigger" a lot,

trust me.

That nigga says "nigger" all the time.

Mr. Chappelle, are you suggesting that

because one of the detectives is a possible racist,

and because there may have been

some minor oversights in the investigation,

that it completely let's O.J. off the hook?

Exactamundo!

The defense rests, sir.

Mr. Chappelle...

no further questions!

Will you at least admit that O.J. more than likely

killed his wife?

Sir, my blackness will not permit me

to make a statement like that.

You're dismissed.

Are you aware of the charges that Michael Jackson

is currently facing?

Yes, sir.

Ah, and for the record, these charges hurt me the most.

So he's guilty.

Look, man, look, Michael Jackson

has many faces, none of 'em look guilty to me.

You gotta look in the eyes, not the noses.

He's been accused of this more than once.

So, some people say that cucumbers

taste better pickled.

What? Huh?

What? Huh?

What if I told you that the accusers

correctly described Michael's penis to investigators.

Sir, I have never seen Michael's alleged penis,

but I bet you that I could describe it.

All right, let me guess.

There's a head, a shaft, some balls,

hair, maybe pressed, permed hair,

with glitter sprinkled on it.

That is correct.

Whoa, how'd I know?

Come on, dude, I couldn't pick my own penis

out of a lineup, all right.

And me and my penis is like this, son.

What about Michael saying it's okay to have

children sleep with him?

That don't mean anything.

I'm sure there's plenty of kids that sleep in the bed

with adults all the time and nothing happens.

So you do you think Michael Jackson

is guilty of the charges against him?

No, man.

He made Thriller...

Thriller.

So you'd let your children sleep with him.

Fuck no!

Eww.

Are you aware that Robert Blake

is facing a charge of murder?

Oh, yeah.

Baretta did that shit.

Mr. Chappelle, are you aware that Robert Kelly

is being charged with child pornography?

Yes, I've heard of such things.

You've seen the video tapes?

Have I seen it!

Like 80 times.

You know the part where he's waiting for her to come over,

and he's looking in the camera like...

(grunting)

So you think that it was Robert Kelly on the tape?

Well, I'd have to say it was.

So, then, you believe that he urinated

on a 15-year-old girl.

Whoa, hold on lady!

I didn't say all that.

You know with these tapes they can do a lot of things.

For all I know, that piss was digital.

They get crazy with special effects.

Look, look, check this out.

I didn't even just do that.

Did I do that?

That piss was digital.

They'll do crazy stuff with special effects.

What about the girl collaborating the story.

So what.

How much money does this girl stand to make

by "corroborating" this story?

I tell you what, you give me that kind of money,

R. Kelly can fart in my dinner tonight.

Spray-fart.

So besides the tape and the girl

corroborating the allegations,

what more would it take for you to believe he's guilty?

All right, if I saw a tape of R. Kelly peeing on a girl

while he was singing "Piss On You"..

lovers wanna love...

and the girl was holding two forms of government ID,

while a police officer was there,

like four or five of my buddies

and Neal taking notes...

well...

I'm not finished.

And his grandmother has to be there

to confirm his identify.

That's my Robert, always peeing on people.

Don't forget her hair Robert.

Yes, grandmother.

Mr. Chappelle, isn't that excessive?

No, no, it's not excessive.

Listen, lady, the burden of proof is on the state,

on the state!

You have got to prove to me,

beyond a reasonable doubt,

whether or not this man is a pisser.

Aren't your doubts unreasonable?

No, it's not unreasonable.

Look, we're talking about a justice system

that had 500 people whose cases were overturned

by DNA evidence.

I've seen a tape where five cops beat up a nigga

and they said that they had reasonable doubt.

I got my doubts too, all right?

How come they didn't find Big and Tupac's murderers

but they arrest O.J. the next day?

Nicole Simpson can't rap.

I want justice!

You are all...

this whole goddamn court is out of order, everybody.

Mr. Chappelle, you're dismissed.

And that's from the heart.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back.

Chappelle's Show.

Better not bring your kids!

Welcome back everybody.

Tonight's musical guest is one of my favorite MCs, man,

and part of one of my favorite groups.

He's a great solo artist.

Give it up for Wyclef Jean.

Election time is coming...

if I was president

I'd get elected on Friday

assassinated on Saturday

buried on Sunday

if I was president

if I was president

an old man told me

instead of spending

billions on the war

we can use some of that money

in the ghetto

I know some so poor

when it rains that's when they shower shower

when screaming "fight the power"

that's when the vulture devoured

if I was president

I'd get elected on Friday

assassinated on Saturday

buried on Sunday

if I was president

if I was president

if I was president

if I was president

but the radio won't play this

they call it rebel music

how can you refuse it

children of Moses

if I was president

I'd get elected on Friday

assassinated on Saturday

buried on Sunday

if I was president

tell the children the truth, the truth

Christopher Columbus didn't discover America

tell them the truth, the truth

yeah

tell them about Marcus Garvey

the children the truth

yeah, the truth

tell them about Martin Luther King

tell them the truth, the truth

tell them about JFK.

If I was president

if I was president

I'd get elected on Friday

assassinated on Saturday

buried on Sunday

if I was president

yeah, that's the truth right there.

I'd like to thank my guests Wyclef Jean,

I'd like to thank everybody at home for watching.

You guys are the greatest.

Now, I'll see you next week.

I'm rich biatch.

(horn honking)

Hi, thank you.

Mmm.

Some good-ass cheese, shit...

wait... I'm chokin' on cheese.

(coughing)

I ate too much of that good-ass cheese.

(man) Say "yes, grandmama" to the camera.

Yes, grandmama.

Turn a little bit more.

That's good.

Huh, you're lost.

(laughing)