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1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:02,603
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:02,644 --> 00:00:03,904
Oww.
3
00:00:03,945 --> 00:00:06,507
Woo-hoo-hoo.
4
00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:07,808
Woo-hoo.
5
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,410
Yeah, yeah.
6
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:14,748
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
7
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:16,917
Whoa!
8
00:00:16,958 --> 00:00:19,520
What's up?
9
00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:22,556
What's up
on the top.
10
00:00:22,597 --> 00:00:25,592
Man.
11
00:00:25,633 --> 00:00:29,496
You know, ah...
12
00:00:29,537 --> 00:00:31,447
y'know what's
funny, man,
13
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:35,568
there's two things that start
happening to me a lot now,
14
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,778
since I started
the second season.
15
00:00:37,779 --> 00:00:39,513
One, like, when
I walk down the street,
16
00:00:39,514 --> 00:00:40,814
people always
scream stuff out.
17
00:00:40,815 --> 00:00:42,115
Like I'll be with my kids
and people be like,
18
00:00:42,116 --> 00:00:43,850
"I'm Rick James, bitch."
19
00:00:43,851 --> 00:00:45,301
And all
this stuff.
20
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:46,846
The other thing
that happens,
21
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,622
and which
I think is the worst,
22
00:00:48,623 --> 00:00:51,224
is when people come up to me
and try to give me ideas
23
00:00:51,225 --> 00:00:52,486
for the show.
24
00:00:52,527 --> 00:00:54,695
Send them shits through
the proper channels, all right.
25
00:00:54,696 --> 00:00:56,430
Now, I'm not saying
I'm not open,
26
00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:57,941
just pick your spots.
27
00:00:58,125 --> 00:00:59,466
As a matter of fact,
if you knew
28
00:00:59,467 --> 00:01:00,767
what was
going through my mind
29
00:01:00,768 --> 00:01:02,069
when you pitch me that
kind of stuff,
30
00:01:02,070 --> 00:01:03,804
you wouldn't
even talk to me,
31
00:01:03,805 --> 00:01:05,064
because I'll
think about anything
32
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,275
but what you're
talking about.
33
00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:08,535
For example...
34
00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,704
I love you, baby.
35
00:01:10,745 --> 00:01:12,045
Oh, I know you do.
36
00:01:12,046 --> 00:01:13,780
Come here girl,
give me some.
37
00:01:13,781 --> 00:01:15,949
Excuse me,
I hate to interrupt,
38
00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:17,209
but I just had
to say hello.
39
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:19,379
Hey, man,
how you doing?
40
00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:21,114
Is this a bad time?
41
00:01:21,155 --> 00:01:22,848
You kinda caught me in
the middle of something with...
42
00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:23,717
cool.
43
00:01:23,758 --> 00:01:25,058
So, I'm sure you
get this all the time,
44
00:01:25,059 --> 00:01:26,360
but I have the perfect
idea for you.
45
00:01:26,361 --> 00:01:27,391
It's a movie.
46
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,528
Is it cool
if I sit down?
47
00:01:28,529 --> 00:01:29,830
This'll only take
a minute.
48
00:01:29,831 --> 00:01:31,525
I'm Frank Feldman.
49
00:01:31,566 --> 00:01:33,734
You kind of caught me
and the wife at a bad time.
50
00:01:33,735 --> 00:01:35,469
We were just...
it's a love story.
51
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:40,200
You play an underground
street poet named Colt 45.
52
00:01:40,241 --> 00:01:42,409
He's a rebel with
a big heart.
53
00:01:42,410 --> 00:01:45,839
He's a loner because
his wife has been killed
54
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,482
by the chief financial officer
of the company
55
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:50,217
that she
used to work for...
56
00:01:50,218 --> 00:01:51,912
(thinking)
Bicycle.
57
00:01:51,953 --> 00:01:52,779
Monkey.
58
00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:54,514
Ashy Larry.
59
00:01:54,555 --> 00:01:56,248
...he's a volunteer
veterinarian on Wednesdays...
60
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:58,458
I wonder what Arsenio's
doing right now.
61
00:01:58,459 --> 00:02:01,020
He probably at a
wine and cheese party.
62
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:04,491
Damn, that's some
good-ass cheese!
63
00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:09,302
If you don't tell him how good
the cheese is, he'll be mad.
64
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,471
How come you didn't tell me
how good the cheese was?
65
00:02:11,472 --> 00:02:13,166
Motherfucker.
66
00:02:13,207 --> 00:02:14,508
Some good-ass cheese.
67
00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:15,375
What are you
looking at?
68
00:02:15,376 --> 00:02:16,637
I was...
69
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:17,978
Bob Eubanks-lookin'
motherfucker,
70
00:02:17,979 --> 00:02:20,106
you should've told me
how good the cheese was!
71
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:21,407
I was thinking
the villain
72
00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:24,011
could be played
by Rod Stewart...
73
00:02:24,052 --> 00:02:25,786
man, I should've
been a rapper.
74
00:02:25,787 --> 00:02:27,087
That look like fun.
75
00:02:27,088 --> 00:02:29,649
How you gonna
rip it like this, son
76
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,425
how you gonna rip it
like that, son
77
00:02:31,426 --> 00:02:33,593
I don't play that
because it's action...
78
00:02:33,594 --> 00:02:35,154
but I need a gimmick.
79
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:37,023
...that's right
I'm the Black Sheep
80
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:38,324
the real Black Sheep
81
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,100
I'm the Black Sheep,
the real Black Sheep
82
00:02:40,101 --> 00:02:41,795
I say ugh...
83
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:47,535
...so we have this
big showdown
84
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,077
at the foot of
the space shuttle.
85
00:02:50,078 --> 00:02:51,812
Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo
86
00:02:51,813 --> 00:02:53,939
do-dl-le
do-dl-le do-de-le-lo
87
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:56,149
do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo
88
00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:59,578
my company is willing to
offer you $12,000,000.
89
00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,313
(dinging register)
$12,000,000!
90
00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:02,616
Frank, right?
91
00:03:02,657 --> 00:03:04,391
You want something
to drink?
92
00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:06,952
Waitress, get this
nigga something to drink.
93
00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:08,295
Look, Frank, I don't know
if you know this,
94
00:03:08,296 --> 00:03:09,596
y'know those skits
on Chappelle's Show.,
95
00:03:09,597 --> 00:03:10,897
I write a lot of those.
96
00:03:10,898 --> 00:03:12,591
And I'm thinking maybe I could
give you some ideas
97
00:03:12,592 --> 00:03:14,801
to make Colt a more
interesting character.
98
00:03:14,802 --> 00:03:16,103
I would love to hear 'em.
99
00:03:16,104 --> 00:03:18,271
All right, well, instead
of calling him Colt 45,
100
00:03:18,272 --> 00:03:20,006
first of all, we've
got to change the name...
101
00:03:20,007 --> 00:03:22,135
(thinking)
Nascar race.
102
00:03:22,176 --> 00:03:24,304
Unicorns.
103
00:03:24,345 --> 00:03:26,473
Dirty diapers.
104
00:03:26,514 --> 00:03:28,248
...instead of
the space shuttle,
105
00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:30,417
we make it right on the steps
of the Lincoln Memorial.
106
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,112
That's good.
107
00:03:32,153 --> 00:03:33,887
(thinking) Wonder what
my girl thinkin' about.
108
00:03:33,888 --> 00:03:37,357
(thinking) You know who
I'd love to have sex with...
109
00:03:37,358 --> 00:03:39,920
(laughing)
110
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,032
Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo
111
00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:48,201
do-dl-le
do-dl-le do-de-le-lo
112
00:03:48,202 --> 00:03:50,732
do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo...
113
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:55,142
all right, we're gonna take a
quick commercial break y'all.
114
00:03:55,143 --> 00:03:57,744
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
115
00:03:57,745 --> 00:04:00,307
(applauding)
116
00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:03,343
Chappelle's Show.
117
00:04:03,384 --> 00:04:04,644
Wow.
118
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,681
(ringing phone)
119
00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:12,452
Hello.
120
00:04:12,493 --> 00:04:13,763
Dave, it's Oprah.
121
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:16,356
Oh, hey what's up girl?
122
00:04:16,397 --> 00:04:18,525
Look Dave,
I'm pregnant.
123
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:20,693
Are you sure
it's mine?
124
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,035
No, Dave, listen,
it's yours.
125
00:04:22,036 --> 00:04:23,296
Got ya bitch!
126
00:04:23,337 --> 00:04:24,598
What?
127
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,373
Just hold on
one second.
128
00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:28,935
(laughing)
129
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,482
All right, look, Oprah,
130
00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:36,783
I'm gonna fly to Chicago
tomorrow, okay.
131
00:04:36,784 --> 00:04:39,820
But I'm going to need
you to send me a ticket.
132
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,515
I'll fly you out.
133
00:04:41,556 --> 00:04:43,250
Oh, oh, oh, and baby,
134
00:04:43,291 --> 00:04:44,591
can you have a limousine
pick me up
135
00:04:44,592 --> 00:04:45,892
at the baggage claim,
136
00:04:45,893 --> 00:04:48,061
because I don't have no cab
money to get from the airport
137
00:04:48,062 --> 00:04:49,102
to your house.
138
00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:50,542
Okay, sure thing.
139
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,925
Thanks, boo.
140
00:04:51,966 --> 00:04:55,829
Oprah...
I love you, baby.
141
00:04:55,870 --> 00:04:57,604
I love you too,
David Chappelle.
142
00:04:57,605 --> 00:05:00,207
All right, I'm gonna go
to work and tell everybody
143
00:05:00,208 --> 00:05:01,074
the good news tomorrow,
144
00:05:01,075 --> 00:05:03,202
and I'll see
you in Chicago.
145
00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:04,938
Bye-bye.
146
00:05:04,979 --> 00:05:06,713
Hey, everybody, I've got an
announcement to make!
147
00:05:06,714 --> 00:05:08,014
Ding, ding, ding
ding, ding!
148
00:05:08,015 --> 00:05:09,709
I quit!
149
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,011
Oh!
150
00:05:11,052 --> 00:05:13,180
Kiss my ass, everybody!
151
00:05:13,221 --> 00:05:15,822
Excuse me, can I have
a quick word with you?
152
00:05:15,823 --> 00:05:17,083
Ah, kiss my ass.
153
00:05:17,124 --> 00:05:20,160
Can you type a memo of that
and send it around?
154
00:05:20,161 --> 00:05:22,722
(laughing)
155
00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:28,795
I quit!
156
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,438
Dave, what's gotten
into you?
157
00:05:31,439 --> 00:05:34,433
Oh, Sally, it's not
what's gotten into me,
158
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:35,775
it's what's gotten
into Oprah:
159
00:05:35,776 --> 00:05:37,470
My seed, son!
160
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:38,772
(laughing)
161
00:05:38,813 --> 00:05:41,374
I'm rich, bitch!
162
00:05:41,415 --> 00:05:43,583
Hey, hey, you know
I never approved this.
163
00:05:43,584 --> 00:05:46,145
Nobody ever listens
to me around here.
164
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,476
I'm not dangerous!
165
00:05:47,488 --> 00:05:50,483
At least
I wasn't dangerous.
166
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,219
(laughing)
167
00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:55,689
Morgan.
168
00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:58,725
Guys, I almost
forgot...
169
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,761
remember your spirit.
170
00:06:01,802 --> 00:06:03,496
(farts)
171
00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:04,798
(laughs)
172
00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:06,099
Oh, it sprayed.
173
00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:08,702
I'll see you
in Chicago.
174
00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,871
Well we're
movin' on up...
175
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:14,774
bye, baby,
have a good day at work.
176
00:06:14,815 --> 00:06:17,811
Try to stay off
your feet, boo.
177
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,281
(moaning)
178
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,490
Yeah, that feels...
oh, that...
179
00:06:23,491 --> 00:06:25,185
hello.
180
00:06:25,226 --> 00:06:27,354
Hey, baby,
how was the show?
181
00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:29,089
Not bad.
182
00:06:29,130 --> 00:06:30,824
Oh, this is Chung Lee.
183
00:06:30,865 --> 00:06:33,466
Chung Lee, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.
184
00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:39,499
Baby, hey, baby, you mind
if I get a happy ending?
185
00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:43,403
She didn't
say no.
186
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:47,307
All right, I'm ready.
187
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:49,938
(Oprah)
I'm home.
188
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:51,211
Hey, baby.
189
00:06:51,252 --> 00:06:52,552
It's Bruce Lee's
brother.
190
00:06:52,553 --> 00:06:55,115
Hello, I love your show.
191
00:06:55,156 --> 00:06:56,850
$7,000 an hour.
192
00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:59,492
Sounds expensive,
but I think the safety
193
00:06:59,493 --> 00:07:01,661
of you and our baby is
priceless, all right.
194
00:07:01,662 --> 00:07:03,790
Check this out.
195
00:07:03,831 --> 00:07:05,959
(screaming)
196
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:07,734
Get away
from Oprah!
197
00:07:07,735 --> 00:07:09,429
(laughing)
198
00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:13,767
(Oprah)
Hello.
199
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:17,237
Hey, baby,
how was the show?
200
00:07:17,278 --> 00:07:18,971
Oh, oh, this is Felicia.
201
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:22,008
Felicia, this is my
baby's momma, Oprah.
202
00:07:22,049 --> 00:07:23,310
Mm-wah!
203
00:07:23,351 --> 00:07:25,085
Be out in a minute, sweetie.
204
00:07:25,086 --> 00:07:27,647
I'm just painting,
finishing up.
205
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:35,455
Let me fill this out
a little bit over here...
206
00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:41,528
took a whole lotta tryin'
just to get up that hill
207
00:07:41,569 --> 00:07:44,130
now we're up
in the big leagues
208
00:07:44,171 --> 00:07:46,299
I gettin' my turn
at bat...
209
00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:47,600
(Oprah)
David.
210
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:48,902
Oh, snap!
211
00:07:48,943 --> 00:07:50,677
Hey, everybody, it's the lady
that made it all possible.
212
00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:51,978
Give it up for
my baby's momma,
213
00:07:51,979 --> 00:07:54,975
Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.
214
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,275
What's happening,
baby?
215
00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:57,577
How was the show?
216
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,786
Why don't you go ahead
and run the bathwater,
217
00:07:59,787 --> 00:08:01,955
and I'll come and put some
salt in a minute.
218
00:08:01,956 --> 00:08:03,690
I know your feet
probably hurting.
219
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,819
All right, now, all right.
220
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,594
Hey, Steve, you mind
pushing the button?
221
00:08:07,595 --> 00:08:09,329
I'm gonna take it
from the top.
222
00:08:09,330 --> 00:08:12,325
Fish don't
fry in the kitchen
223
00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,928
beans don't burn
on the grill
224
00:08:14,969 --> 00:08:19,699
took a whole lotta tryin'
just to get up that hill...
225
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,183
(ringing phone)
226
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:23,603
Hello.
227
00:08:23,644 --> 00:08:25,772
You again.
228
00:08:25,813 --> 00:08:28,848
Look, Stedman, you gonna
have to move on, alright?
229
00:08:28,849 --> 00:08:31,844
No, fuck that, I don't care
what y'all had.
230
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,620
She's having
my baby, okay?
231
00:08:33,621 --> 00:08:35,789
So you leave this
family alone.
232
00:08:35,790 --> 00:08:37,917
I love her!
233
00:08:37,958 --> 00:08:40,086
Fine, whatever, bitch.
234
00:08:40,127 --> 00:08:42,254
(Oprah) Dave, honey, who
was that on the phone?
235
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,030
Huh... baby,
it's nobody.
236
00:08:44,031 --> 00:08:45,291
It was for me.
237
00:08:45,332 --> 00:08:47,894
Just go back
in the bath.
238
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:55,268
Stedman Graham,
if you fuck this up for me...
239
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:58,693
there you go!
(moaning)
240
00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:00,040
Yes, yeah!
241
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:01,381
You did it,
boo, you...
242
00:09:01,382 --> 00:09:03,510
what the fuck!
243
00:09:03,551 --> 00:09:06,546
Nigga looks
just like Dr. Phil!
244
00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:10,450
Women are smart,
men are stupid.
245
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,619
Oh, shit!
246
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:15,221
Oprah, what about
our dreams, huh?
247
00:09:15,262 --> 00:09:16,523
Sorry, Dave.
248
00:09:16,564 --> 00:09:17,823
What am I gonna
do now?
249
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:18,731
I quit my job.
250
00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:19,559
Shit!
251
00:09:22,595 --> 00:09:27,367
Stedman, we gonna
get this bitch.
252
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:31,271
(laughing)
253
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:40,814
Oprah!
(echoing)
254
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,452
We'll take a quick
commercial break.
255
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:47,360
Don't go anywhere.
256
00:09:47,361 --> 00:09:50,621
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
257
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:54,794
The greatest show
258
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:59,999
(applause)
259
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:05,205
Y'know me and my
co-writer/producer/creator
260
00:10:05,246 --> 00:10:07,373
friend of mine,
Neal Brennan,
261
00:10:07,414 --> 00:10:10,274
we always have
this on-going discussion.
262
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:12,619
Every time there's a
black celebrity in trouble,
263
00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:16,089
Neal doesn't believe that
I never think he's guilty,
264
00:10:16,090 --> 00:10:17,390
and the reason he thinks that
265
00:10:17,391 --> 00:10:20,386
is because I never
think they're guilty.
266
00:10:20,427 --> 00:10:22,555
It's just how I roll, man.
267
00:10:22,596 --> 00:10:25,592
To me, it's all about
reasonable doubt.
268
00:10:25,633 --> 00:10:27,800
What's reasonable doubt
to a white person, you know,
269
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,928
might not be a reasonable
doubt to a black person.
270
00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:31,230
If they had me
on jury selection
271
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,006
at some of these
celebrity trials,
272
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:36,436
it'd be a long day,
a long day.
273
00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:40,380
(man)
Ah, Mr. Chappelle?
274
00:10:40,381 --> 00:10:41,641
Yes.
275
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:42,982
Are you aware that
Mr. Simpson
276
00:10:42,983 --> 00:10:44,717
is going to be on trial
for a double homicide?
277
00:10:44,718 --> 00:10:46,412
Yeah, I heard about it.
278
00:10:46,453 --> 00:10:47,754
It's all
bullshit, man.
279
00:10:47,755 --> 00:10:49,055
O.J. Ain't gonna kill
nobody, he's rich.
280
00:10:49,056 --> 00:10:52,485
But Mr. Chappelle,
what if I told you
281
00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:54,219
that we had DNA evidence
282
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:56,863
linking Mr. Simpson to
the scene of the crime?
283
00:10:56,864 --> 00:11:00,293
Then I'd have to ask you
where you found it.
284
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:02,896
In his bedroom,
at the crime scene,
285
00:11:02,937 --> 00:11:04,197
and in his car.
286
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:05,498
In the car?
287
00:11:05,539 --> 00:11:07,233
Right in his car?
288
00:11:07,274 --> 00:11:08,535
Damn.
289
00:11:08,576 --> 00:11:10,310
And, and in
the bedroom too?
290
00:11:10,311 --> 00:11:11,571
In the bedroom.
291
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,740
Damn.
292
00:11:13,781 --> 00:11:15,041
I... damn.
293
00:11:15,082 --> 00:11:20,680
Then I'd probably just ask you,
"how'd they find it?"
294
00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:22,991
The police found
a bloody glove
295
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:24,624
on O.J.'s property.
296
00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:27,187
Sir, I'm not impressed,
all right.
297
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,829
Who... what black man
don't have some bloody gloves
298
00:11:29,830 --> 00:11:31,090
on his property?
299
00:11:31,131 --> 00:11:33,221
Nigga, I got one
right here.
300
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:34,601
That don't mean
I did anything.
301
00:11:34,602 --> 00:11:38,031
Sir, if somebody
murdered your family
302
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:41,107
and the police found a bloody
glove on O.J.'s property
303
00:11:41,108 --> 00:11:43,276
and a witness heard
strange bangings
304
00:11:43,277 --> 00:11:46,272
minutes after
the murders...
305
00:11:46,313 --> 00:11:48,006
I'd have to be
real confused
306
00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:50,650
because nobody in my family
beef with O.J. like that.
307
00:11:50,651 --> 00:11:53,253
And we would've killed
O.J. After the first time
308
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:54,513
he beat my sister up.
309
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:55,855
We would've
whupped his ass.
310
00:11:55,856 --> 00:11:57,156
We would've made real orange
juice out of that nigga.
311
00:11:57,157 --> 00:11:59,759
So, you ain't gonna find
no bloody gloves.
312
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,928
If anything happened...
you can quote me, sir...
313
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:04,490
they would find
some bloody gloves
314
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:06,659
at our house.
315
00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:08,393
But this was before...
316
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,603
O.J. would be dead, nigga,
and that's real.
317
00:12:10,604 --> 00:12:14,467
Detective Mark Fuhrman was
one of the lead detectives
318
00:12:14,508 --> 00:12:15,808
Fuhrman?
On the case and...
319
00:12:15,809 --> 00:12:17,070
Fuhrman?
320
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:18,845
He's a racist,
it's a racist name.
321
00:12:18,846 --> 00:12:20,106
Fuhrman.
322
00:12:20,147 --> 00:12:21,881
You're sayin', what is
he a furor, German...
323
00:12:21,882 --> 00:12:22,749
Fuhrman, German.
324
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:24,484
Sound a little
familiar to you?
325
00:12:24,485 --> 00:12:26,219
I'm sorry, sir, but he
probably says "nigger" a lot,
326
00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:27,914
with a name like that.
327
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,649
I can't comment.
328
00:12:29,690 --> 00:12:30,950
I bet you can't.
329
00:12:30,991 --> 00:12:32,725
But as a person who
says "nigger" a lot,
330
00:12:32,726 --> 00:12:33,987
trust me.
331
00:12:34,028 --> 00:12:37,457
That nigga says
"nigger" all the time.
332
00:12:37,498 --> 00:12:41,361
Mr. Chappelle,
are you suggesting that
333
00:12:41,402 --> 00:12:45,265
because one of the detectives
is a possible racist,
334
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,473
and because
there may have been
335
00:12:47,474 --> 00:12:50,076
some minor oversights
in the investigation,
336
00:12:50,077 --> 00:12:52,638
that it completely
let's O.J. off the hook?
337
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:53,940
Exactamundo!
338
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:55,281
The defense rests, sir.
339
00:12:55,282 --> 00:12:56,542
Mr. Chappelle...
340
00:12:56,583 --> 00:12:58,278
no further questions!
341
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,920
Will you at least admit
that O.J. more than likely
342
00:13:00,921 --> 00:13:03,916
killed his wife?
343
00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,860
Sir, my blackness
will not permit me
344
00:13:07,861 --> 00:13:10,423
to make a statement
like that.
345
00:13:10,464 --> 00:13:12,592
You're dismissed.
346
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,796
Are you aware of the charges
that Michael Jackson
347
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,097
is currently facing?
348
00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:20,400
Yes, sir.
349
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:23,910
Ah, and for the record, these
charges hurt me the most.
350
00:13:23,911 --> 00:13:25,171
So he's guilty.
351
00:13:25,212 --> 00:13:28,207
Look, man, look,
Michael Jackson
352
00:13:28,248 --> 00:13:32,111
has many faces, none of 'em
look guilty to me.
353
00:13:32,152 --> 00:13:35,581
You gotta look in
the eyes, not the noses.
354
00:13:35,622 --> 00:13:37,749
He's been accused of
this more than once.
355
00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:39,918
So, some people say
that cucumbers
356
00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:41,260
taste better pickled.
357
00:13:41,261 --> 00:13:42,088
What?
Huh?
358
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,691
What?
Huh?
359
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:50,330
What if I told you
that the accusers
360
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:53,406
correctly described Michael's
penis to investigators.
361
00:13:53,407 --> 00:13:57,270
Sir, I have never seen
Michael's alleged penis,
362
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,912
but I bet you that
I could describe it.
363
00:13:59,913 --> 00:14:01,214
All right, let me guess.
364
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:05,078
There's a head, a shaft,
some balls,
365
00:14:05,119 --> 00:14:08,114
hair, maybe
pressed, permed hair,
366
00:14:08,155 --> 00:14:09,889
with glitter sprinkled on it.
367
00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:11,584
That is correct.
368
00:14:11,625 --> 00:14:13,319
Whoa, how'd I know?
369
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,487
Come on, dude, I couldn't
pick my own penis
370
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,222
out of a lineup, all right.
371
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:20,259
And me and my penis
is like this, son.
372
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:21,993
What about Michael saying
it's okay to have
373
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:23,684
children sleep with him?
374
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,071
That don't mean anything.
375
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:27,240
I'm sure there's plenty
of kids that sleep in the bed
376
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:29,842
with adults all the time
and nothing happens.
377
00:14:29,843 --> 00:14:31,577
So you do you
think Michael Jackson
378
00:14:31,578 --> 00:14:33,746
is guilty of the
charges against him?
379
00:14:33,747 --> 00:14:35,441
No, man.
380
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,044
He made Thriller...
381
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,646
Thriller.
382
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,590
So you'd let your
children sleep with him.
383
00:14:44,591 --> 00:14:45,852
Fuck no!
384
00:14:45,893 --> 00:14:47,153
Eww.
385
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:51,097
Are you aware
that Robert Blake
386
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:53,225
is facing
a charge of murder?
387
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,961
Oh, yeah.
388
00:14:55,002 --> 00:14:57,130
Baretta did
that shit.
389
00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:02,768
Mr. Chappelle, are you
aware that Robert Kelly
390
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:05,805
is being charged with
child pornography?
391
00:15:05,846 --> 00:15:08,841
Yes, I've heard
of such things.
392
00:15:08,882 --> 00:15:10,183
You've seen
the video tapes?
393
00:15:10,184 --> 00:15:11,334
Have I seen it!
394
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:12,745
Like 80 times.
395
00:15:12,786 --> 00:15:14,954
You know the part where he's
waiting for her to come over,
396
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,255
and he's looking in
the camera like...
397
00:15:16,256 --> 00:15:18,384
(grunting)
398
00:15:18,425 --> 00:15:20,593
So you think that it was
Robert Kelly on the tape?
399
00:15:20,594 --> 00:15:24,457
Well, I'd have
to say it was.
400
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:26,666
So, then, you believe
that he urinated
401
00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:28,795
on a 15-year-old girl.
402
00:15:29,228 --> 00:15:30,570
Whoa, hold on lady!
403
00:15:30,571 --> 00:15:32,301
I didn't say
all that.
404
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:34,040
You know with these tapes
they can do a lot of things.
405
00:15:34,041 --> 00:15:36,209
For all I know, that piss
was digital.
406
00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,903
They get crazy
with special effects.
407
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,824
Look, look, check this out.
408
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,450
I didn't even
just do that.
409
00:15:44,451 --> 00:15:46,145
Did I do that?
410
00:15:46,186 --> 00:15:47,487
That piss
was digital.
411
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:49,614
They'll do crazy stuff
with special effects.
412
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,258
What about the girl
collaborating the story.
413
00:15:52,259 --> 00:15:53,519
So what.
414
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,687
How much money does
this girl stand to make
415
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,798
by "corroborating"
this story?
416
00:15:57,857 --> 00:16:00,066
I tell you what, you
give me that kind of money,
417
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:02,668
R. Kelly can fart in my
dinner tonight.
418
00:16:02,669 --> 00:16:03,930
Spray-fart.
419
00:16:03,971 --> 00:16:06,532
So besides the tape
and the girl
420
00:16:06,573 --> 00:16:08,307
corroborating
the allegations,
421
00:16:08,308 --> 00:16:10,476
what more would it take for
you to believe he's guilty?
422
00:16:10,477 --> 00:16:15,641
All right, if I saw a tape
of R. Kelly peeing on a girl
423
00:16:15,682 --> 00:16:18,284
while he was singing
"Piss On You"..
424
00:16:18,285 --> 00:16:20,847
lovers wanna love...
425
00:16:20,888 --> 00:16:23,489
and the girl was holding
two forms of government ID,
426
00:16:23,490 --> 00:16:26,052
while a police officer
was there,
427
00:16:26,093 --> 00:16:29,088
like four or five
of my buddies
428
00:16:29,129 --> 00:16:31,257
and Neal taking notes...
429
00:16:31,298 --> 00:16:32,992
well...
430
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:34,333
I'm not finished.
431
00:16:34,334 --> 00:16:36,068
And his grandmother
has to be there
432
00:16:36,069 --> 00:16:37,763
to confirm his identify.
433
00:16:37,804 --> 00:16:41,234
That's my Robert,
always peeing on people.
434
00:16:41,275 --> 00:16:43,009
Don't forget her
hair Robert.
435
00:16:43,010 --> 00:16:44,270
Yes, grandmother.
436
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,306
Mr. Chappelle,
isn't that excessive?
437
00:16:47,347 --> 00:16:49,909
No, no, it's not excessive.
438
00:16:49,950 --> 00:16:53,419
Listen, lady, the burden of
proof is on the state,
439
00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:54,680
on the state!
440
00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:56,455
You have got
to prove to me,
441
00:16:56,456 --> 00:16:59,018
beyond a reasonable doubt,
442
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:01,661
whether or not
this man is a pisser.
443
00:17:01,662 --> 00:17:04,223
Aren't your doubts
unreasonable?
444
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,432
No, it's not unreasonable.
445
00:17:06,433 --> 00:17:08,601
Look, we're talking about
a justice system
446
00:17:08,602 --> 00:17:11,637
that had 500 people
whose cases were overturned
447
00:17:11,638 --> 00:17:12,899
by DNA evidence.
448
00:17:13,332 --> 00:17:15,541
I've seen a tape where
five cops beat up a nigga
449
00:17:15,542 --> 00:17:17,710
and they said that they
had reasonable doubt.
450
00:17:17,711 --> 00:17:20,273
I got my doubts
too, all right?
451
00:17:20,314 --> 00:17:22,440
How come they didn't find
Big and Tupac's murderers
452
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:24,216
but they arrest
O.J. the next day?
453
00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:25,518
Nicole Simpson
can't rap.
454
00:17:25,519 --> 00:17:26,779
I want justice!
455
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:28,514
You are all...
456
00:17:28,555 --> 00:17:33,286
this whole goddamn court
is out of order, everybody.
457
00:17:33,327 --> 00:17:36,756
Mr. Chappelle,
you're dismissed.
458
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,967
And that's from the heart.
459
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,129
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
460
00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:46,299
We'll be right back.
461
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,171
Chappelle's Show.
462
00:17:52,212 --> 00:17:54,774
Better not
bring your kids!
463
00:17:54,815 --> 00:17:57,376
Welcome back everybody.
464
00:17:57,417 --> 00:18:00,453
Tonight's musical guest is
one of my favorite MCs, man,
465
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,581
and part of one of my
favorite groups.
466
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:03,882
He's a great solo artist.
467
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,052
Give it up
for Wyclef Jean.
468
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,631
Election time is coming...
469
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,402
if I was president
470
00:18:23,443 --> 00:18:26,872
I'd get elected
on Friday
471
00:18:26,913 --> 00:18:29,909
assassinated
on Saturday
472
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,945
buried on Sunday
473
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,415
if I was president
474
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:39,452
if I was president
475
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:42,054
an old man told me
476
00:18:42,095 --> 00:18:43,789
instead of spending
477
00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:46,392
billions
on the war
478
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:49,862
we can use
some of that money
479
00:18:49,903 --> 00:18:51,597
in the ghetto
480
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:55,501
I know some so poor
481
00:18:55,542 --> 00:18:58,742
when it rains
that's when they shower shower
482
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:02,008
when screaming
"fight the power"
483
00:19:02,441 --> 00:19:04,650
that's when
the vulture devoured
484
00:19:04,651 --> 00:19:07,213
if I was president
485
00:19:07,254 --> 00:19:09,815
I'd get elected
on Friday
486
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:13,285
assassinated
on Saturday
487
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:15,888
buried on Sunday
488
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,358
if I was president
489
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,395
if I was president
490
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:25,431
if I was president
491
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:28,467
if I was president
492
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,937
but the radio
won't play this
493
00:19:31,978 --> 00:19:34,974
they call it
rebel music
494
00:19:35,015 --> 00:19:38,010
how can you refuse it
495
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:41,047
children of Moses
496
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,649
if I was president
497
00:19:43,690 --> 00:19:46,686
I'd get elected
on Friday
498
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:50,156
assassinated
on Saturday
499
00:19:50,197 --> 00:19:53,192
buried on Sunday
500
00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:59,265
if I was president
501
00:19:59,306 --> 00:20:01,907
tell the children
the truth, the truth
502
00:20:01,908 --> 00:20:05,337
Christopher Columbus
didn't discover America
503
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,981
tell them the truth,
the truth
504
00:20:07,981 --> 00:20:09,241
yeah
505
00:20:09,282 --> 00:20:11,382
tell them about
Marcus Garvey
506
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:12,711
the children
the truth
507
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,447
yeah, the truth
508
00:20:14,488 --> 00:20:17,049
tell them about
Martin Luther King
509
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:20,519
tell them the truth,
the truth
510
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,122
tell them about JFK.
511
00:20:23,163 --> 00:20:26,158
If I was president
512
00:20:26,199 --> 00:20:28,761
if I was president
513
00:20:28,802 --> 00:20:31,797
I'd get elected
on Friday
514
00:20:31,838 --> 00:20:35,267
assassinated
on Saturday
515
00:20:35,308 --> 00:20:38,304
buried on Sunday
516
00:20:38,345 --> 00:20:44,376
if I was president
517
00:20:44,417 --> 00:20:47,413
yeah, that's
the truth right there.
518
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:51,317
I'd like to thank my
guests Wyclef Jean,
519
00:20:51,358 --> 00:20:54,393
I'd like to thank
everybody at home for watching.
520
00:20:54,394 --> 00:20:55,653
You guys are
the greatest.
521
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:57,823
Now, I'll see you
next week.
522
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,293
I'm rich biatch.
523
00:21:01,334 --> 00:21:02,324
(horn honking)
524
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,764
Hi,
thank you.
525
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,366
Mmm.
526
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:11,704
Some good-ass cheese,
shit...
527
00:21:11,745 --> 00:21:13,479
wait... I'm
chokin' on cheese.
528
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,475
(coughing)
529
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:20,813
I ate too much of
that good-ass cheese.
530
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,757
(man) Say "yes,
grandmama" to the camera.
531
00:21:24,758 --> 00:21:26,886
Yes, grandmama.
532
00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:29,921
Turn a little
bit more.
533
00:21:29,922 --> 00:21:31,223
That's good.
534
00:21:31,264 --> 00:21:33,392
Huh, you're lost.
535
00:21:33,433 --> 00:21:35,127
(laughing)
36534
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