Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(woman) And now, a moment in the life of Lil' Jon.

Lil' Jon?

Yeah!

I understand you may have fractured your arm.

Yeah.

Let's take a look.

Okay!

Does this hurt?

No.

Does this?

Not really, no.

This?

No.

What about this?

Yeah!

All right then.

Do you have your proof of insurance?

What?!

Proof of insurance?

What?!

Proof of insurance?

What?!

Proof of insurance?

Huh?!

Proof of insurance?

What?!

Proof of insurance?

What?!

What?! Your proof of insurance?

Your proof of insurance? What?!

Huh?! Your proof of insurance?

Proof of insurance?

Yeah!

Oh, it's right here.

Now, do you do any recreational drugs?

What?!

Do you do any recreational drugs?

(laughs)

That depends doctor.

What do you define as "drugs?"

Medication?

No.

Cocaine?

Absolutely not.

Marijuana?

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah!

What?!

Nothing.

What?!

Nothing.

Pardon me?

Nothing, just writing.

What?!

I didn't say anything.

What?!

Be done in a second.

Okay!

Fine.

What?!

Need anything?

No, I'm cool.

Okay. Okay.

You've just watched

a moment in the life of Lil' Jon.

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

Hey, hey, oh, what's happening, yo?

What's up everybody?

Welcome to the Chappelle show.

Thank you for being here.

Man.

You know, folks, you might've heard me say this

publicly many times,

but this time I mean it.

I've, I've quit smoking reefer.

(laughing)

No, I'm serious this time, man.

This... I'm done.

I don't want to smoke it no more.

Them commercials be workin' on me, man.

Every time I seen them commercials,

they just had me feeling bad.

Especially this one.

(man) Let me get my cheddar burger, man.

(man) Hold your horses, man.

We all hungry.

Are your horses here, yo?

(man) Yo, let me hold them for you, man.

(laughing)

Let me get my cheddar burger, man.

We've been here a long time.

(coughing) You all right.

(laughing)

No, cheddar for you, man.

Give me a cheddar burger, man.

Man, chill out with that cheddar burger.

Yeah, chill out.

Yo, it was in your hand the whole time, stupid.

You gotta eat that burger, dude.

Shit.

You killed her, yo!

Come on, man, we gotta chop her body up

and stuff it down the drain!

Let's go, let's get the fuck outta here!

I can't, man, there's people back there.

Shit!

(screaming)

Fuck it. Come on!

Let's go, let's go!

(applauding)

(laughing)

I just love the fact that I have a show

where we can run over a kid

and everyone just busts out laughing.

Only this show.

Well, folks, here he is...

America's favorite, my favorite...

Mr. Paul Mooney.

And now, "Mooney On Movies."

Our first film is "Gone With The Wind."

This film is an epic romance

centering around Scarlett O'Hara,

a damsel in distress during the Civil War.

It is a must-own, must-see movie.

I highly recommend it.

I couldn't agree with you more.

I've actually seen "Gone With The Wind"

13 times since I was 10 years old.

No kidding.

You must be on crack.

I don't think we've seen the same movie.

I thought Scarlett was a ho,

because she went bed with everybody, uh, but Mammy.

Um, I love Mammy.

Mammy was the best...

the best scene in the movie

is when Mammy told the white people,

"get off my porch, white trash!"

I stood and I applauded.

I loved every bit of it.

I liked Mammy, though.

I really... I thought she was great.

I thought she had a great role...

do you know in real life it was Hattie McDaniels?

They wouldn't let "Mammy" go to the opening.

That's a shame.

Hollywood... no, no...

Hollywood goes too far.

But she's dead, but she's dead...

but everybody comes back,

everybody comes back to get their money.

She came back as Oprah Winfrey

to get her money.

Barbershop is a smart comedy about

a day in the life of a black barbershop

on the south side of Chicago.

It is owned by Ice Cube

and inhabited by a colorful cast of characters

who bicker with one another in various hilarious ways.

Recently, a sequel was made.

You know it's just a front.

It really... they really sell drugs out of barbershops.

Uh...

"The Last Samurai" centers around Tom Cruise,

a Civil War veteran who goes to Japan

and teaches the emperor's troops how to fight.

Mr. Mooney?

No, no, another movie that's...

I was offended by.

I mean, Hollywood is crazy.

"The Last Samurai" starring Tom Cruise?

Mm-hmm.

He's the last samurai?

Give me a break.

That movie was offensive.

I mean, Hollywood is crazy.

First, they have "The Mexican" with Brad Pitt,

and now they've got "The Last Samurai"

with Tom Cruise.

Well, I've written a film.

Maybe they'll, maybe they'll produce my film:

"The Last Nigger On Earth" starring Tom Hanks.

How about that?

(applauding)

Were gonna take a quick commercial break.

Well be right back, don't go nowhere.

Ha-ha, go ahead.

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show, everybody.

Man.

Now, has anybody ever...

seen this thing on ESPN, these poker games now.

Like poker...

I didn't even know poker was a sport.

They... that's weird, right?

Poker championships.

I didn't know that gambling was so acceptable.

And then I was watching late at night

they have actually, like, blacks, like, black gambling,

like the "World Series of Dice."

It's crazy.

I'm serious, it's right... look.

(man) Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the Marcy Projects

here in Brooklyn, New York.

Why are we here?

To buy weed?

Not this time, Bill.

Nope, every one knows we're here for one reason

and one reason only,

we're here for the Eighth Annual

"World Series of Dice."

Well, that's right, Rob.

Some of the greatest players from around the world

have gathered here to compete for the grand prize:

One another's money

and bragging rights for the whole year.

Let's meet them, these kings of click-clack.

From Kansas City, Missouri, legendary shooter

Grits n' Gravy.

Grits n' Gravy.

Kansas city, missouri.

Flying in from the far east is Phyuck Yiu.

One of the premier dice players

in the eastern hemisphere.

He has played dice in some of the gullyest of games.

Phyuck Yiu.

Konichiwa, bitches!

Drop the card, baby!

And that's Leonard Washington.

You know they say,

"papa didn't take no mess."

Well, neither does Leonard.

My name's Leonard Washington.

Where I'm from?

A little town called,

"none of your goddamned business."

Let's play some dice, bitches.

And finally, from these very projects, local legend

Ashy Larry.

Why do they call him Ashy Larry?

Well, there's your answer.

Ashy Larry.

Marcy Projects.

Marcy, son... what.

Okay, Larry gets first roll.

Let's see how he does.

That man is drier than Kunta Kinte's ankle.

Come on, let's go.

I stole this money outta my girl purse.

She think I'm out emptying the trash.

Come on, baby, I need this.

What you need is some chapstick

and a set of trousers.

Roll the dice you Ashy motherfucker,

start the game.

All right, but I'm about to go from Ashy to classy.

(moaning)

Ooh, and just like that, Ashy Larry is eliminated.

Ouch.

She's gonna kill me, Kiesha gonna kill me.

Larry, what the fuck are you doing?

I was... okay, remember, I was emptying the trash...

and that better not be the money

out of my goddamned purse!

I was... okay...

pick the shit up and get the fuck out of here.

That's just what I'm trying to tell you!

I was just taking the trash out.

You hear me, I was just taking the trash...

she is gonna fuck him up.

You said it, Bill.

Okay, Grits n' Gravy is up next.

Now, Grits is most known for once rolling

77 sevens in a row at a casino in Las Vegas,

making him a millionaire in the process.

Well, you know, Rob, earlier today

we asked him what he did with the money.

Let's take a look.

I bought my momma a car and I spent the rest on PCP.

Okay, simple enough.

I like his style.

Loves his mother.

Loves PCP.

Grits n' Gravy is ready to roll.

Let's see how he does.

Come on, put in.

Put up or shut up.

All right, just hold on.

Time to double up!

Here to take everybody money.

Seven!

What you all know about seven?

Pay me!

Boy, you are the goddamned devil.

Put it down there, put it down there!

Let's spread this around, yes!

Hubba-hubba!

A'ight, you know what, I'm tired.

I ain't got all day.

I got babies to kiss and bitches to catch.

All in.

All in?

I see you.

And Leonard laying it on thick.

An incredible stare down

between Leonard and Grits.

Look at the flaring nostrils.

Make's me want to throw up.

Ooh!

Snake eyes! Damn!

And just like that, Grits is eliminated.

And when I leave, come together like butt cheeks.

And it comes down to these two men,

Leonard Washington and Phyuck Yiu.

I want everybody in here to get butt-ass naked!

Get your goddamn clothes off!

This is a robbery.

And almost on cue the game gets robbed.

Local thug, Rodney "Quills" Dinkins,

breaking into the Marcy Projects hallway here

and telling us all to get butt naked.

You know, Bill, dice games get robbed.

It happens all the time.

They very rarely come to a reasonable end.

TV... is no different.

What you waiting for, cool breeze?

Get butt naked right now!

Get it off, son!

First of all, you better check your tone with me, man

because I don't think you know who you're talking to.

I'm Leonard Washington,

I don't get butt-naked for nobody.

You want this role, nigga,

you gonna have to shoot me.

Okay.

(blam)

This motherfucker has lost his mind.

Goddamn!

And Leonard takes a slug to the leg.

Oh, but I'll tell ya something, Rob,

you noticed he shot him below the waist,

so it's not attempted murder.

That was very intelligent on Quills part.

Quills knows the law.

This is why black people don't have nothin'...

this is just what they want us to do.

Your mother ain't shit.

And just in time, here comes dumb-ass Ashy Larry.

Where the dice? Where the dice?

Where the dice?

Yo, give me that money, son!

Go upstairs and put on some lotion, right now!

Something told me just to empty the trash.

Well, Rob, I gotta admit,

I saw this robbery coming from a mile away,

which is why I put my car keys up my ass.

Quick thinking.

That's right bitch, get them goddamn clothes off.

Get that money up, get that money up!

Okay, okay.

So, on behalf of Bill Burr and Quills,

I'm Robert Pet...

Get that ring off, get that ring off, man!

Sorry honey.

So long from the Marcy Projects

and "The World Series of Dice."

Hopefully, next year,

we'll be able to get all the way through it,

but probably not.

Shut the fuck up, man!

Put them cameras in a box!

(applauding)

Woo.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

Don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

Look out...

Turn on your TV...

What you gonna see?

Hey, welcome back, guys.

Welcome back.

I'm just handling mine, that's all.

Welcome back to the Chappelle's Show.

I'm Dave and I "keep it real."

Sometimes "keeping it real" can go horribly wrong.

We got to pick our spots.

It's good to be real sometimes;

it's good to be phony sometimes.

Yes, I said it.

Phony!

You think I'm this nice in real life?

Fuck that, son!

It's because I'm on TV.

I'm wild!

I pull my balls out right now, I don't care.

Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.

(applauding)

If you don't believe me, that "keeping it real"

ain't the best thing, then take a look at this.

(man) You're watching "When 'Keeping It Real' Goes Wrong."

Vernon Franklin was an exceptional young man.

He was the valedictorian of his high school class,

won several scholarships,

and became the first person in his family to attend college.

He got a good job and worked 14-hour days six days a week,

quickly becoming the youngest Vice President

in the history of the Viacorp Corporation,

ending the cycle of violence and drug addiction

that had plagued his family for generations.

The officers of his company were wrapping up the usual

Thursday meeting in the south conference room

when Frank Murphy, the man who had mentored Vernon,

made an awkward comment.

Vernon, great job, buddy!

You the man!

Give me some skin, huh!

Vernon got along with all of the people he worked with,

which in his heart of hearts made him feel

like an Uncle Tom.

Though he could've ignored the comment his mentor made,

Vernon decided to "keep it real."

Get your motherfucking hand out of my face.

You heard me, motherfucker.

Get your hands out of my face!

What do you think this is, man?

Just shake my hand like a man!

Here give me some five on the blackhand side

with all this crazy jive.

That's bullshit.

Do you want a little soft shoe?

Should I juggle some watermelons for you, boss?

Fuck all that, nigga.

Hey, Vernon, buddy...

get your motherfucking hands off me, Frank!

This ain't a game.

This isn't the Vernon I know.

Allow me reintroduce myself, my name is Homes.

You ain't never heard that before, have ya?

Rap music, gangsta.

I used to beat motherfuckers up just like you,

just for walking around my way!

Vernon, Vernon, buddy...

you better sit the fuck down, Frank.

Vernon.

I said sit down, bitch.

Thug life!

You think it's a game, nigger?

(barking)

Wu-Tang!

Today, Vernon works at "Sonny's Filler-Up"

on Route 80 in New Jersey.

He makes $6.45 an hour

and stinks of gasoline even when he's not at the station.

It's as real as it can be.

A dollar?

What am I gonna get with a dollar, nigga?

I got kids, and that's real.

Vernon Franklin, once a heartwarming story

of perseverance...

Wu-Tang!

...today, a sparkling example

of "When 'Keeping It Real' Goes Wrong."

We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all.

We'll be right back after these messages.

The greatest show.

Tonight's musical guests,

two of Chicago's finest MCs,

give it up for Common and Kanye West.

Common Sense, yeah

yeah, it's Common Sense

with Kanye West on the Dave Chappelle show.

Everybody gotta eat, right, y'all

it's the food, baby

I walked in the crib

got two kids and my baby mamma late

uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh

so I had to did what I had to did

'cause I had the kid

duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough

up all night gettin' my money right

until the blue and white's

po-po po-po po-po

now the money comin' slow

but at least a nigga know slow motion better than

no-oh no-oh no-oh

you love to hear the story again and again

about these young brothers from the city of wind

like juice and gin in the city we blend

amongst the hustle, titties and skin

50s and rims

y'all know the sprewell's and trucks that's detailed

heartless females that wanna ride in 'em

felt the southside venom with rawhides and denim

pimp minds collide with 'em in a system that tries victims

we livin' it my man in the fast lane pivotin'

on the block white is sellin' like Eminem

on the block get "jumped off" like kim and them

on the block is hot you can feel it in your skin and then

shorties get the game but no instructions to assembling

eyes bright it seems like the fight is dimmin' them

call my man cuzo like I'm kin to him

he tryin' to stay straight the streets is bendin' him

I walked in the crib

got two kids and my baby mamma late

uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh

and so I to did what I had to did 'cause I had the kid

duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough

yo, I'm up all night gettin' my money right

until the blue and white's

po-po po-po po-po

now the money comin' slow but at least a nigga

know slow motion better than

no-oh no-oh no-oh

it's all good in the hood like raps and gems

throwbacks and timbs blacks and rims

whether on ball courts attires of all sorts

we never fall short

with us, it's all force like air-1s

some waves some air guns

the days of the fair one is over for

cats is colder than four below

myself I go toe-to-toe

wonderin' if it's for the art of for the dough

though I know to grow a nigga gotta learn to let go

though I know the Dough i gotta bring back to the ghetto

arrows on tarot cards pointing to the grind

po' livin' in more prisons pointing to my mind

shine the light up

clench my fist tight holdin' the right up

freedom fightin' dark year for the years to get brighter

situations and jobs get tighter

my man tried to get his weight and height up, come on

I walked in the crib

got two kids and my baby mamma late

uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh

so I had to did what I had to did

'cause I had the kid

duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough

I'm up all night gettin' my money right

until the blue and white's

po-po po-po po-po

now the money comin' slow but at least a nigga know

slow motion better than

no-oh no-oh no-oh

hey yo I, I know i could make it right

if I could just swallow my pride

but I can't run away

or put my gun away you can't front on me

i, no I can't let it ride

no, no, not tonight

no I can't run away or put my gun away

you can't front on me

Common and Kanye.

I like to thank you guys for watching.

I'll see ya next week.

I'm out.

(applause & cheering)

I'm rich, biatch.

(horn honking)

Hi, thank you.

Get your motherfucking hands off me, man!

Are you trying to get choked?

I've seen people shit on the street

because they've got no toilet.

This isn't the Vernon I know.

What did you say?

You think this is a game?

You think this is a fucking game?!

(barking)

(laughing)

(barking)

Rockafella.

(laughing)

(barking)

Now tell me brother, where you gonna go