Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:03,470
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:03,511 --> 00:00:04,771
Chappelle's Show.
3
00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:06,072
Chappelle's Show.
4
00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:07,374
Oww.
5
00:00:07,415 --> 00:00:09,977
Woo-hoo-hoo.
6
00:00:10,018 --> 00:00:11,712
Woo-hoo.
7
00:00:11,753 --> 00:00:13,881
Yeah, yeah.
8
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:18,218
Let's start
the show.
9
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:24,047
(woman) And now, a moment
in the life of Lil' Jon.
10
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:26,894
Lil' Jon?
11
00:00:26,935 --> 00:00:28,629
Yeah!
12
00:00:28,670 --> 00:00:30,837
I understand you may have
fractured your arm.
13
00:00:30,838 --> 00:00:32,533
Yeah.
14
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:34,346
Let's take a look.
15
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,436
Okay!
16
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,171
Does this hurt?
17
00:00:38,212 --> 00:00:40,340
No.
18
00:00:40,381 --> 00:00:41,642
Does this?
19
00:00:41,683 --> 00:00:43,377
Not really, no.
20
00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:45,112
This?
21
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,281
No.
22
00:00:47,322 --> 00:00:48,582
What about this?
23
00:00:48,623 --> 00:00:51,184
Yeah!
24
00:00:51,225 --> 00:00:52,486
All right then.
25
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,261
Do you have your proof
of insurance?
26
00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:55,088
What?!
27
00:00:55,129 --> 00:00:56,389
Proof of insurance?
28
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,257
What?!
29
00:00:57,298 --> 00:00:58,599
Proof of insurance?
30
00:00:58,600 --> 00:00:59,426
What?!
31
00:00:59,467 --> 00:01:00,767
Proof of insurance?
32
00:01:00,768 --> 00:01:02,029
Huh?!
33
00:01:02,070 --> 00:01:04,631
Proof of insurance?
34
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,234
What?!
35
00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:08,575
Proof of insurance?
36
00:01:08,576 --> 00:01:09,403
What?!
37
00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:10,744
What?!
Your proof of insurance?
38
00:01:10,745 --> 00:01:12,045
Your proof of insurance?
What?!
39
00:01:12,046 --> 00:01:13,780
Huh?!
Your proof of insurance?
40
00:01:13,781 --> 00:01:15,121
Proof of insurance?
41
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:17,210
Yeah!
42
00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:19,379
Oh, it's right here.
43
00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:22,415
Now, do you do
any recreational drugs?
44
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,151
What?!
45
00:01:24,192 --> 00:01:26,360
Do you do any
recreational drugs?
46
00:01:26,361 --> 00:01:28,922
(laughs)
47
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,127
That depends doctor.
48
00:01:34,168 --> 00:01:36,336
What do you
define as "drugs?"
49
00:01:36,337 --> 00:01:37,598
Medication?
50
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,465
No.
51
00:01:38,506 --> 00:01:39,333
Cocaine?
52
00:01:39,374 --> 00:01:40,634
Absolutely not.
53
00:01:40,675 --> 00:01:41,501
Marijuana?
54
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,670
Yeah!
55
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,707
Yeah, yeah!
56
00:01:46,748 --> 00:01:49,309
What?!
57
00:01:49,350 --> 00:01:50,611
Nothing.
58
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:51,504
What?!
59
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:52,779
Nothing.
60
00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:53,647
Pardon me?
61
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:55,422
Nothing, just writing.
62
00:01:55,423 --> 00:01:56,249
What?!
63
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:58,025
I didn't say anything.
64
00:01:58,026 --> 00:01:58,852
What?!
65
00:01:58,893 --> 00:01:59,760
Be done in a second.
66
00:01:59,761 --> 00:02:01,021
Okay!
67
00:02:01,062 --> 00:02:02,322
Fine.
68
00:02:02,363 --> 00:02:04,057
What?!
69
00:02:04,098 --> 00:02:06,226
Need anything?
70
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:07,134
No, I'm cool.
71
00:02:07,135 --> 00:02:08,001
Okay.
Okay.
72
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:09,302
You've just watched
73
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,865
a moment in
the life of Lil' Jon.
74
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,901
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
75
00:02:14,942 --> 00:02:21,408
Hey, hey,
oh, what's happening, yo?
76
00:02:21,449 --> 00:02:24,444
What's up everybody?
77
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:29,216
Welcome to
the Chappelle show.
78
00:02:29,257 --> 00:02:31,818
Thank you for
being here.
79
00:02:31,859 --> 00:02:34,421
Man.
80
00:02:34,462 --> 00:02:37,892
You know, folks,
you might've heard me say this
81
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,232
publicly many times,
82
00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:40,534
but this time
I mean it.
83
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:43,096
I've, I've quit
smoking reefer.
84
00:02:43,137 --> 00:02:44,398
(laughing)
85
00:02:44,439 --> 00:02:45,739
No, I'm serious
this time, man.
86
00:02:45,740 --> 00:02:46,999
This... I'm done.
87
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,341
I don't want to
smoke it no more.
88
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:50,077
Them commercials be workin'
on me, man.
89
00:02:50,078 --> 00:02:51,378
Every time I
seen them commercials,
90
00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:53,113
they just had me
feeling bad.
91
00:02:53,114 --> 00:02:55,242
Especially this one.
92
00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:58,752
(man) Let me get my cheddar burger, man.
93
00:02:58,753 --> 00:03:00,012
(man)
Hold your horses, man.
94
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,314
We all hungry.
95
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,049
Are your horses
here, yo?
96
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,391
(man) Yo, let me hold them for you, man.
97
00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:06,953
(laughing)
98
00:03:06,994 --> 00:03:09,162
Let me get my
cheddar burger, man.
99
00:03:09,163 --> 00:03:10,897
We've been here
a long time.
100
00:03:10,898 --> 00:03:13,026
(coughing)
You all right.
101
00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:15,195
(laughing)
102
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:19,533
No, cheddar
for you, man.
103
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:23,870
Give me a
cheddar burger, man.
104
00:03:23,911 --> 00:03:25,645
Man, chill out with
that cheddar burger.
105
00:03:25,646 --> 00:03:27,340
Yeah, chill out.
106
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:30,811
Yo, it was in your hand
the whole time, stupid.
107
00:03:30,852 --> 00:03:35,148
You gotta eat
that burger, dude.
108
00:03:35,189 --> 00:03:36,883
Shit.
109
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:47,294
You killed her, yo!
110
00:03:47,335 --> 00:03:49,069
Come on, man, we gotta
chop her body up
111
00:03:49,070 --> 00:03:50,763
and stuff it
down the drain!
112
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,105
Let's go, let's get
the fuck outta here!
113
00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:53,840
I can't, man,
there's people back there.
114
00:03:53,841 --> 00:03:55,102
Shit!
115
00:03:55,143 --> 00:03:57,704
(screaming)
116
00:03:57,745 --> 00:03:59,004
Fuck it.
Come on!
117
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:00,741
Let's go, let's go!
118
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,754
(applauding)
119
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:18,091
(laughing)
120
00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:19,825
I just love the fact
that I have a show
121
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,601
where we can run over a kid
122
00:04:21,602 --> 00:04:24,204
and everyone just
busts out laughing.
123
00:04:24,205 --> 00:04:25,899
Only this show.
124
00:04:25,940 --> 00:04:27,860
Well, folks,
here he is...
125
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,409
America's favorite,
my favorite...
126
00:04:29,410 --> 00:04:32,839
Mr. Paul Mooney.
127
00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:36,743
And now, "Mooney On Movies."
128
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:39,820
Our first film is
"Gone With The Wind."
129
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,948
This film is an epic romance
130
00:04:41,989 --> 00:04:44,157
centering around
Scarlett O'Hara,
131
00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:47,153
a damsel in distress
during the Civil War.
132
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,756
It is a must-own,
must-see movie.
133
00:04:49,797 --> 00:04:51,367
I highly recommend it.
134
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:52,399
I couldn't agree
with you more.
135
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,134
I've actually seen
"Gone With The Wind"
136
00:04:54,135 --> 00:04:56,303
13 times since I was
10 years old.
137
00:04:56,304 --> 00:04:57,564
No kidding.
138
00:04:57,605 --> 00:04:58,905
You must be on crack.
139
00:04:58,906 --> 00:05:01,467
I don't think we've seen
the same movie.
140
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,243
I thought Scarlett was a ho,
141
00:05:03,244 --> 00:05:07,107
because she went bed with
everybody, uh, but Mammy.
142
00:05:07,148 --> 00:05:09,276
Um, I love Mammy.
143
00:05:09,317 --> 00:05:10,183
Mammy was the best...
144
00:05:10,184 --> 00:05:11,484
the best scene
in the movie
145
00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:12,786
is when Mammy
told the white people,
146
00:05:12,787 --> 00:05:15,782
"get off my porch,
white trash!"
147
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,956
I stood and I applauded.
148
00:05:17,992 --> 00:05:19,292
I loved
every bit of it.
149
00:05:19,293 --> 00:05:20,553
I liked Mammy, though.
150
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:21,461
I really... I thought
she was great.
151
00:05:21,462 --> 00:05:22,762
I thought she
had a great role...
152
00:05:22,763 --> 00:05:25,365
do you know in real life
it was Hattie McDaniels?
153
00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:27,534
They wouldn't let "Mammy"
go to the opening.
154
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:28,685
That's a shame.
155
00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:30,095
Hollywood... no, no...
156
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:31,004
Hollywood goes
too far.
157
00:05:31,005 --> 00:05:32,305
But she's dead,
but she's dead...
158
00:05:32,306 --> 00:05:33,607
but everybody comes back,
159
00:05:33,608 --> 00:05:35,301
everybody comes back
to get their money.
160
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:37,077
She came back
as Oprah Winfrey
161
00:05:37,078 --> 00:05:40,507
to get her money.
162
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,716
Barbershop is
a smart comedy about
163
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,885
a day in the life
of a black barbershop
164
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,012
on the south side
of Chicago.
165
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,355
It is owned by Ice Cube
166
00:05:48,356 --> 00:05:51,391
and inhabited by
a colorful cast of characters
167
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:54,861
who bicker with one another
in various hilarious ways.
168
00:05:54,862 --> 00:05:56,596
Recently,
a sequel was made.
169
00:05:56,597 --> 00:05:57,898
You know it's just a front.
170
00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:00,066
It really... they really sell
drugs out of barbershops.
171
00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:01,328
Uh...
172
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:07,440
"The Last Samurai"
centers around Tom Cruise,
173
00:06:07,441 --> 00:06:09,609
a Civil War veteran
who goes to Japan
174
00:06:09,610 --> 00:06:12,212
and teaches the emperor's
troops how to fight.
175
00:06:12,213 --> 00:06:13,473
Mr. Mooney?
176
00:06:13,514 --> 00:06:14,814
No, no, another
movie that's...
177
00:06:14,815 --> 00:06:16,509
I was offended by.
178
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,678
I mean,
Hollywood is crazy.
179
00:06:18,719 --> 00:06:23,884
"The Last Samurai"
starring Tom Cruise?
180
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:24,751
Mm-hmm.
181
00:06:24,792 --> 00:06:26,092
He's the
last samurai?
182
00:06:26,093 --> 00:06:27,354
Give me a break.
183
00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:29,129
That movie
was offensive.
184
00:06:29,130 --> 00:06:30,430
I mean, Hollywood is crazy.
185
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,033
First, they have
"The Mexican" with Brad Pitt,
186
00:06:33,034 --> 00:06:34,334
and now they've got
"The Last Samurai"
187
00:06:34,335 --> 00:06:35,595
with Tom Cruise.
188
00:06:35,636 --> 00:06:36,896
Well, I've written
a film.
189
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,238
Maybe they'll, maybe
they'll produce my film:
190
00:06:38,239 --> 00:06:41,274
"The Last Nigger On Earth"
starring Tom Hanks.
191
00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:43,403
How about that?
192
00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:46,006
(applauding)
193
00:06:46,047 --> 00:06:48,648
Were gonna take a
quick commercial break.
194
00:06:48,649 --> 00:06:52,078
Well be right back,
don't go nowhere.
195
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,355
Ha-ha, go ahead.
196
00:07:02,396 --> 00:07:08,428
Welcome back to
Chappelle's Show, everybody.
197
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,766
Man.
198
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,935
Now, has anybody ever...
199
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:19,706
seen this thing on ESPN,
these poker games now.
200
00:07:19,747 --> 00:07:21,007
Like poker...
201
00:07:21,048 --> 00:07:23,609
I didn't even know
poker was a sport.
202
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,385
They... that's weird,
right?
203
00:07:25,386 --> 00:07:26,686
Poker championships.
204
00:07:26,687 --> 00:07:29,289
I didn't know that
gambling was so acceptable.
205
00:07:29,290 --> 00:07:31,024
And then I was watching
late at night
206
00:07:31,025 --> 00:07:34,835
they have actually, like,
blacks, like, black gambling,
207
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,229
like the "World Series
of Dice."
208
00:07:36,230 --> 00:07:37,924
It's crazy.
209
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:41,394
I'm serious,
it's right... look.
210
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,037
(man) Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
211
00:07:44,038 --> 00:07:45,772
and welcome to
the Marcy Projects
212
00:07:45,773 --> 00:07:47,901
here in Brooklyn,
New York.
213
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,242
Why are we here?
214
00:07:49,243 --> 00:07:50,503
To buy weed?
215
00:07:50,544 --> 00:07:51,845
Not this time, Bill.
216
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,539
Nope, every one knows
we're here for one reason
217
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,275
and one reason only,
218
00:07:55,316 --> 00:07:57,484
we're here for
the Eighth Annual
219
00:07:57,485 --> 00:08:00,046
"World Series of Dice."
220
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,388
Well, that's right, Rob.
221
00:08:01,389 --> 00:08:03,123
Some of the greatest players
from around the world
222
00:08:03,124 --> 00:08:05,291
have gathered here to
compete for the grand prize:
223
00:08:05,292 --> 00:08:06,593
One another's money
224
00:08:06,594 --> 00:08:08,328
and bragging rights
for the whole year.
225
00:08:08,329 --> 00:08:11,758
Let's meet them,
these kings of click-clack.
226
00:08:11,799 --> 00:08:14,401
From Kansas City, Missouri,
legendary shooter
227
00:08:14,402 --> 00:08:16,529
Grits n' Gravy.
228
00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:18,264
Grits n' Gravy.
229
00:08:18,305 --> 00:08:20,000
Kansas city, missouri.
230
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:23,076
Flying in from
the far east is Phyuck Yiu.
231
00:08:23,077 --> 00:08:24,811
One of the premier
dice players
232
00:08:24,812 --> 00:08:26,622
in the eastern hemisphere.
233
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,541
He has played dice in some
of the gullyest of games.
234
00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:31,277
Phyuck Yiu.
235
00:08:31,318 --> 00:08:33,446
Konichiwa, bitches!
236
00:08:33,487 --> 00:08:36,049
Drop the card, baby!
237
00:08:36,090 --> 00:08:37,824
And that's
Leonard Washington.
238
00:08:37,825 --> 00:08:38,691
You know they say,
239
00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:40,722
"papa didn't
take no mess."
240
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,162
Well, neither does Leonard.
241
00:08:42,163 --> 00:08:43,897
My name's
Leonard Washington.
242
00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,158
Where I'm from?
243
00:08:45,199 --> 00:08:46,499
A little town called,
244
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:49,062
"none of your
goddamned business."
245
00:08:49,103 --> 00:08:50,403
Let's play
some dice, bitches.
246
00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:53,873
And finally, from these
very projects, local legend
247
00:08:53,874 --> 00:08:55,568
Ashy Larry.
248
00:08:55,609 --> 00:08:59,039
Why do they call him
Ashy Larry?
249
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,075
Well, there's your answer.
250
00:09:02,116 --> 00:09:03,376
Ashy Larry.
251
00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:04,467
Marcy Projects.
252
00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:06,846
Marcy, son... what.
253
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:10,750
Okay, Larry gets
first roll.
254
00:09:10,791 --> 00:09:12,485
Let's see how he does.
255
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:18,662
That man is drier than
Kunta Kinte's ankle.
256
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,372
Come on, let's go.
257
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,068
I stole this money outta
my girl purse.
258
00:09:22,069 --> 00:09:23,803
She think I'm out
emptying the trash.
259
00:09:23,804 --> 00:09:29,402
Come on, baby,
I need this.
260
00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:30,743
What you need is
some chapstick
261
00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:32,045
and a set of trousers.
262
00:09:32,046 --> 00:09:33,780
Roll the dice you
Ashy motherfucker,
263
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:35,041
start the game.
264
00:09:35,082 --> 00:09:38,852
All right, but I'm about
to go from Ashy to classy.
265
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,981
(moaning)
266
00:09:42,022 --> 00:09:45,058
Ooh, and just like that,
Ashy Larry is eliminated.
267
00:09:45,059 --> 00:09:45,885
Ouch.
268
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,528
She's gonna kill me,
Kiesha gonna kill me.
269
00:09:48,529 --> 00:09:50,263
Larry, what the fuck
are you doing?
270
00:09:50,264 --> 00:09:51,564
I was... okay, remember,
I was emptying the trash...
271
00:09:51,565 --> 00:09:52,866
and that better
not be the money
272
00:09:52,867 --> 00:09:54,560
out of my goddamned purse!
273
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:55,468
I was... okay...
274
00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:57,637
pick the shit up
and get the fuck out of here.
275
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:58,938
That's just what I'm
trying to tell you!
276
00:09:58,939 --> 00:10:00,240
I was just taking
the trash out.
277
00:10:00,241 --> 00:10:02,842
You hear me, I was
just taking the trash...
278
00:10:02,843 --> 00:10:04,971
she is gonna
fuck him up.
279
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:06,735
You said it, Bill.
280
00:10:06,747 --> 00:10:09,309
Okay, Grits n' Gravy
is up next.
281
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:11,518
Now, Grits is
most known for once rolling
282
00:10:11,519 --> 00:10:15,381
77 sevens in a row at a
casino in Las Vegas,
283
00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:18,024
making him a
millionaire in the process.
284
00:10:18,025 --> 00:10:19,325
Well, you know, Rob,
earlier today
285
00:10:19,326 --> 00:10:21,494
we asked him what
he did with the money.
286
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:22,795
Let's take a look.
287
00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:28,394
I bought my momma a car
and I spent the rest on PCP.
288
00:10:28,435 --> 00:10:29,736
Okay, simple enough.
289
00:10:29,737 --> 00:10:30,996
I like his style.
290
00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:31,905
Loves his mother.
291
00:10:31,906 --> 00:10:33,166
Loves PCP.
292
00:10:33,207 --> 00:10:34,941
Grits n' Gravy
is ready to roll.
293
00:10:34,942 --> 00:10:36,612
Let's see how he does.
294
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,544
Come on, put in.
295
00:10:37,545 --> 00:10:38,845
Put up
or shut up.
296
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,105
All right,
just hold on.
297
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:41,436
Time to double up!
298
00:10:41,448 --> 00:10:44,010
Here to take
everybody money.
299
00:10:44,051 --> 00:10:47,046
Seven!
300
00:10:47,087 --> 00:10:48,388
What you all know
about seven?
301
00:10:48,389 --> 00:10:49,649
Pay me!
302
00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:51,858
Boy, you are
the goddamned devil.
303
00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,027
Put it down there,
put it down there!
304
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,721
Let's spread this
around, yes!
305
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,023
Hubba-hubba!
306
00:10:57,064 --> 00:10:59,232
A'ight, you know what,
I'm tired.
307
00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:00,783
I ain't got all day.
308
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:02,702
I got babies to kiss
and bitches to catch.
309
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:04,397
All in.
310
00:11:04,438 --> 00:11:06,132
All in?
311
00:11:06,173 --> 00:11:09,602
I see you.
312
00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:16,583
And Leonard
laying it on thick.
313
00:11:16,584 --> 00:11:18,278
An incredible stare down
314
00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:20,053
between
Leonard and Grits.
315
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,182
Look at the flaring nostrils.
316
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,784
Make's me
want to throw up.
317
00:11:24,825 --> 00:11:26,953
Ooh!
318
00:11:26,994 --> 00:11:28,274
Snake eyes!
Damn!
319
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,331
And just like that,
Grits is eliminated.
320
00:11:31,332 --> 00:11:34,326
And when I leave,
come together like butt cheeks.
321
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,102
And it comes down
to these two men,
322
00:11:36,103 --> 00:11:41,267
Leonard Washington
and Phyuck Yiu.
323
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:45,131
I want everybody in here
to get butt-ass naked!
324
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:46,512
Get your goddamn
clothes off!
325
00:11:46,513 --> 00:11:48,208
This is a robbery.
326
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:51,678
And almost on cue
the game gets robbed.
327
00:11:51,719 --> 00:11:54,714
Local thug,
Rodney "Quills" Dinkins,
328
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,357
breaking into the
Marcy Projects hallway here
329
00:11:57,358 --> 00:12:00,787
and telling us all
to get butt naked.
330
00:12:00,828 --> 00:12:03,388
You know, Bill,
dice games get robbed.
331
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:05,123
It happens all the time.
332
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:08,595
They very rarely come
to a reasonable end.
333
00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:11,631
TV... is no different.
334
00:12:11,672 --> 00:12:12,972
What you waiting
for, cool breeze?
335
00:12:12,973 --> 00:12:14,274
Get butt naked
right now!
336
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,535
Get it off, son!
337
00:12:15,576 --> 00:12:18,177
First of all, you better
check your tone with me, man
338
00:12:18,178 --> 00:12:20,780
because I don't think you know
who you're talking to.
339
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,909
I'm Leonard Washington,
340
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,511
I don't get
butt-naked for nobody.
341
00:12:25,552 --> 00:12:28,114
You want this role, nigga,
342
00:12:28,155 --> 00:12:31,150
you gonna have to
shoot me.
343
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:32,885
Okay.
344
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:34,621
(blam)
345
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:38,524
This motherfucker
has lost his mind.
346
00:12:38,565 --> 00:12:39,826
Goddamn!
347
00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:42,862
And Leonard takes
a slug to the leg.
348
00:12:42,903 --> 00:12:44,203
Oh, but I'll tell ya
something, Rob,
349
00:12:44,204 --> 00:12:45,938
you noticed he shot him
below the waist,
350
00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:47,674
so it's not
attempted murder.
351
00:12:47,675 --> 00:12:49,842
That was very intelligent
on Quills part.
352
00:12:49,843 --> 00:12:52,405
Quills knows the law.
353
00:12:52,446 --> 00:12:54,614
This is why black people
don't have nothin'...
354
00:12:54,615 --> 00:12:56,783
this is just what
they want us to do.
355
00:12:56,784 --> 00:12:58,911
Your mother
ain't shit.
356
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:02,381
And just in time, here comes
dumb-ass Ashy Larry.
357
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,723
Where the dice?
Where the dice?
358
00:13:03,724 --> 00:13:04,824
Where the dice?
359
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:06,285
Yo, give me that
money, son!
360
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,756
Go upstairs and put on
some lotion, right now!
361
00:13:09,797 --> 00:13:12,398
Something told me
just to empty the trash.
362
00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:13,700
Well, Rob, I gotta admit,
363
00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:15,868
I saw this robbery coming
from a mile away,
364
00:13:15,869 --> 00:13:18,905
which is why I put
my car keys up my ass.
365
00:13:18,906 --> 00:13:20,166
Quick thinking.
366
00:13:20,207 --> 00:13:22,375
That's right bitch, get
them goddamn clothes off.
367
00:13:22,376 --> 00:13:24,503
Get that money up,
get that money up!
368
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:25,371
Okay, okay.
369
00:13:25,412 --> 00:13:28,408
So, on behalf of Bill Burr
and Quills,
370
00:13:28,449 --> 00:13:29,719
I'm Robert Pet...
371
00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:31,443
Get that ring off,
get that ring off, man!
372
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:32,314
Sorry honey.
373
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:34,520
So long from
the Marcy Projects
374
00:13:34,521 --> 00:13:36,214
and "The World Series
of Dice."
375
00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:37,123
Hopefully, next year,
376
00:13:37,124 --> 00:13:38,424
we'll be able to get
all the way through it,
377
00:13:38,425 --> 00:13:39,686
but probably not.
378
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:41,027
Shut the fuck up, man!
379
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,998
Put them cameras
in a box!
380
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,758
(applauding)
381
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,361
Woo.
382
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,529
We're gonna take a
quick commercial break.
383
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:51,830
Don't go anywhere.
384
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:55,261
We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
385
00:13:58,771 --> 00:13:59,639
Look out...
386
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,808
Turn on your TV...
387
00:14:01,849 --> 00:14:03,976
What you gonna see?
388
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:08,314
Hey, welcome back, guys.
389
00:14:08,355 --> 00:14:11,351
Welcome back.
390
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,518
I'm just handling mine,
that's all.
391
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,253
Welcome back
to the Chappelle's Show.
392
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:17,857
I'm Dave and I
"keep it real."
393
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:20,892
Sometimes "keeping it real"
can go horribly wrong.
394
00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:23,062
We got to pick our spots.
395
00:14:23,103 --> 00:14:24,837
It's good to be
real sometimes;
396
00:14:24,838 --> 00:14:26,139
it's good to be
phony sometimes.
397
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:27,290
Yes, I said it.
398
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,701
Phony!
399
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,476
You think I'm this nice
in real life?
400
00:14:30,477 --> 00:14:32,605
Fuck that, son!
401
00:14:32,646 --> 00:14:34,380
It's because
I'm on TV.
402
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:37,810
I'm wild!
403
00:14:37,851 --> 00:14:40,887
I pull my balls out
right now, I don't care.
404
00:14:40,888 --> 00:14:43,015
Skeet, skeet,
skeet, skeet.
405
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:45,618
(applauding)
406
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:53,032
If you don't believe me,
that "keeping it real"
407
00:14:53,033 --> 00:14:56,513
ain't the best thing,
then take a look at this.
408
00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:00,406
(man) You're watching "When
'Keeping It Real' Goes Wrong."
409
00:15:00,407 --> 00:15:03,836
Vernon Franklin was an
exceptional young man.
410
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:07,305
He was the valedictorian
of his high school class,
411
00:15:07,306 --> 00:15:09,041
won several scholarships,
412
00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:12,552
and became the first person in
his family to attend college.
413
00:15:12,553 --> 00:15:16,849
He got a good job and worked
14-hour days six days a week,
414
00:15:16,890 --> 00:15:19,451
quickly becoming the youngest
Vice President
415
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:22,432
in the history of
the Viacorp Corporation,
416
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:24,656
ending the cycle of violence
and drug addiction
417
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:27,757
that had plagued his
family for generations.
418
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:32,031
The officers of his company
were wrapping up the usual
419
00:15:32,072 --> 00:15:34,674
Thursday meeting in
the south conference room
420
00:15:34,675 --> 00:15:37,710
when Frank Murphy, the man who
had mentored Vernon,
421
00:15:37,711 --> 00:15:39,839
made an awkward comment.
422
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,442
Vernon, great job,
buddy!
423
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,743
You the man!
424
00:15:43,784 --> 00:15:45,518
Give me
some skin, huh!
425
00:15:45,519 --> 00:15:48,988
Vernon got along with all of
the people he worked with,
426
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:51,157
which in his heart
of hearts made him feel
427
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:52,852
like an Uncle Tom.
428
00:15:52,893 --> 00:15:56,362
Though he could've ignored
the comment his mentor made,
429
00:15:56,363 --> 00:15:58,925
Vernon decided to
"keep it real."
430
00:15:58,966 --> 00:16:02,001
Get your motherfucking
hand out of my face.
431
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:02,869
You heard me, motherfucker.
432
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:04,604
Get your hands
out of my face!
433
00:16:04,605 --> 00:16:05,471
What do you think
this is, man?
434
00:16:05,472 --> 00:16:07,599
Just shake
my hand like a man!
435
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,809
Here give me some five
on the blackhand side
436
00:16:09,810 --> 00:16:11,069
with all
this crazy jive.
437
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:11,978
That's bullshit.
438
00:16:11,979 --> 00:16:13,279
Do you want a little
soft shoe?
439
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,448
Should I juggle some
watermelons for you, boss?
440
00:16:15,449 --> 00:16:16,749
Fuck all that, nigga.
441
00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:18,050
Hey, Vernon, buddy...
442
00:16:18,051 --> 00:16:20,219
get your motherfucking
hands off me, Frank!
443
00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:21,521
This ain't a game.
444
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,256
This isn't
the Vernon I know.
445
00:16:23,257 --> 00:16:26,292
Allow me reintroduce myself,
my name is Homes.
446
00:16:26,293 --> 00:16:28,461
You ain't never heard
that before, have ya?
447
00:16:28,462 --> 00:16:29,762
Rap music, gangsta.
448
00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:32,365
I used to beat
motherfuckers up just like you,
449
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,666
just for walking around
my way!
450
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:34,967
Vernon, Vernon, buddy...
451
00:16:34,968 --> 00:16:36,269
you better sit
the fuck down, Frank.
452
00:16:36,270 --> 00:16:37,096
Vernon.
453
00:16:37,137 --> 00:16:38,437
I said sit down,
bitch.
454
00:16:38,438 --> 00:16:39,265
Thug life!
455
00:16:39,306 --> 00:16:40,606
You think it's
a game, nigger?
456
00:16:40,607 --> 00:16:42,301
(barking)
457
00:16:42,342 --> 00:16:43,603
Wu-Tang!
458
00:16:43,644 --> 00:16:45,811
Today, Vernon works at
"Sonny's Filler-Up"
459
00:16:45,812 --> 00:16:47,940
on Route 80
in New Jersey.
460
00:16:47,981 --> 00:16:49,651
He makes $6.45 an hour
461
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:53,144
and stinks of gasoline even
when he's not at the station.
462
00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:55,748
It's as real
as it can be.
463
00:16:55,789 --> 00:16:57,483
A dollar?
464
00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:58,824
What am I gonna get with
a dollar, nigga?
465
00:16:58,825 --> 00:17:01,821
I got kids, and that's real.
466
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,725
Vernon Franklin,
once a heartwarming story
467
00:17:05,766 --> 00:17:07,460
of perseverance...
468
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:08,327
Wu-Tang!
469
00:17:08,368 --> 00:17:10,496
...today, a sparkling example
470
00:17:10,537 --> 00:17:14,400
of "When 'Keeping It Real'
Goes Wrong."
471
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,869
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
472
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:21,774
We'll be right back
after these messages.
473
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:26,045
The greatest show.
474
00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:30,383
Tonight's musical guests,
475
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,552
two of Chicago's
finest MCs,
476
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:36,889
give it up for
Common and Kanye West.
477
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:39,904
Common Sense, yeah
478
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,661
yeah, it's Common Sense
479
00:17:41,702 --> 00:17:45,565
with Kanye West
on the Dave Chappelle show.
480
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,340
Everybody gotta eat,
right, y'all
481
00:17:47,341 --> 00:17:48,641
it's the food, baby
482
00:17:48,642 --> 00:17:50,336
I walked in
the crib
483
00:17:50,377 --> 00:17:52,979
got two kids
and my baby mamma late
484
00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,674
uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
485
00:17:54,715 --> 00:17:57,305
so I had to did
what I had to did
486
00:17:57,317 --> 00:17:58,877
'cause I had
the kid
487
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:00,745
duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough
488
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,914
up all night
gettin' my money right
489
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,256
until the blue
and white's
490
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:05,558
po-po po-po po-po
491
00:18:05,559 --> 00:18:07,293
now the money
comin' slow
492
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,895
but at least a nigga know
slow motion better than
493
00:18:09,896 --> 00:18:11,197
no-oh no-oh no-oh
494
00:18:11,198 --> 00:18:14,233
you love to hear
the story again and again
495
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,836
about these young brothers
from the city of wind
496
00:18:16,837 --> 00:18:19,438
like juice and gin
in the city we blend
497
00:18:19,439 --> 00:18:22,009
amongst the hustle,
titties and skin
498
00:18:22,042 --> 00:18:23,302
50s and rims
499
00:18:23,343 --> 00:18:25,511
y'all know the sprewell's
and trucks that's detailed
500
00:18:25,512 --> 00:18:28,114
heartless females that
wanna ride in 'em
501
00:18:28,115 --> 00:18:30,716
felt the southside venom
with rawhides and denim
502
00:18:30,717 --> 00:18:33,712
pimp minds collide with 'em
in a system that tries victims
503
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,314
we livin' it my man in
the fast lane pivotin'
504
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:38,958
on the block white is sellin'
like Eminem
505
00:18:38,959 --> 00:18:41,953
on the block get
"jumped off" like kim and them
506
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,597
on the block is hot you can
feel it in your skin and then
507
00:18:44,598 --> 00:18:47,158
shorties get the game but no
instructions to assembling
508
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:49,802
eyes bright it seems
like the fight is dimmin' them
509
00:18:49,803 --> 00:18:52,364
call my man cuzo like
I'm kin to him
510
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:55,007
he tryin' to stay straight
the streets is bendin' him
511
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:56,267
I walked in the crib
512
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:58,477
got two kids
and my baby mamma late
513
00:18:58,478 --> 00:19:00,172
uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
514
00:19:00,213 --> 00:19:03,683
and so I to did what I had to
did 'cause I had the kid
515
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,811
duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough
516
00:19:05,852 --> 00:19:08,020
yo, I'm up all night
gettin' my money right
517
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:09,321
until the blue
and white's
518
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:11,017
po-po po-po po-po
519
00:19:11,058 --> 00:19:13,618
now the money comin'
slow but at least a nigga
520
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:14,919
know slow motion
better than
521
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,262
no-oh no-oh no-oh
522
00:19:16,263 --> 00:19:19,298
it's all good in
the hood like raps and gems
523
00:19:19,299 --> 00:19:21,860
throwbacks and timbs
blacks and rims
524
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:24,951
whether on ball courts
attires of all sorts
525
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,672
we never fall short
526
00:19:26,673 --> 00:19:28,841
with us, it's all force
like air-1s
527
00:19:28,842 --> 00:19:30,576
some waves
some air guns
528
00:19:30,577 --> 00:19:32,745
the days of the fair one
is over for
529
00:19:32,746 --> 00:19:34,914
cats is colder
than four below
530
00:19:34,915 --> 00:19:36,215
myself I go toe-to-toe
531
00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:38,818
wonderin' if it's for
the art of for the dough
532
00:19:38,819 --> 00:19:41,813
though I know to grow a nigga
gotta learn to let go
533
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,416
though I know the Dough i
gotta bring back to the ghetto
534
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:47,059
arrows on tarot cards
pointing to the grind
535
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:49,662
po' livin' in more
prisons pointing to my mind
536
00:19:49,663 --> 00:19:50,963
shine the light up
537
00:19:50,964 --> 00:19:52,264
clench my fist tight
holdin' the right up
538
00:19:52,265 --> 00:19:55,260
freedom fightin' dark year for
the years to get brighter
539
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:57,863
situations
and jobs get tighter
540
00:19:57,904 --> 00:20:00,506
my man tried to get his weight
and height up, come on
541
00:20:00,507 --> 00:20:01,807
I walked in the crib
542
00:20:01,808 --> 00:20:03,976
got two kids
and my baby mamma late
543
00:20:03,977 --> 00:20:05,277
uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
544
00:20:05,278 --> 00:20:07,868
so I had to did
what I had to did
545
00:20:07,881 --> 00:20:09,181
'cause I had the kid
546
00:20:09,182 --> 00:20:10,875
duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough
547
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,085
I'm up all night
gettin' my money right
548
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:14,820
until the blue
and white's
549
00:20:14,821 --> 00:20:16,122
po-po po-po po-po
550
00:20:16,123 --> 00:20:18,724
now the money comin' slow
but at least a nigga know
551
00:20:18,725 --> 00:20:20,025
slow motion
better than
552
00:20:20,026 --> 00:20:21,327
no-oh no-oh no-oh
553
00:20:21,328 --> 00:20:25,624
hey yo I, I know i
could make it right
554
00:20:25,665 --> 00:20:28,227
if I could just swallow
my pride
555
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,396
but I can't run away
556
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:33,038
or put my gun away
you can't front on me
557
00:20:33,039 --> 00:20:36,469
i, no I can't
let it ride
558
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:39,505
no, no, not tonight
559
00:20:39,546 --> 00:20:42,541
no I can't run away
or put my gun away
560
00:20:42,582 --> 00:20:45,578
you can't
front on me
561
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:48,614
Common and Kanye.
562
00:20:48,655 --> 00:20:51,445
I like to thank you guys
for watching.
563
00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:53,380
I'll see
ya next week.
564
00:20:53,385 --> 00:20:55,121
I'm out.
565
00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:57,723
(applause & cheering)
566
00:20:59,458 --> 00:21:01,193
I'm rich, biatch.
567
00:21:01,234 --> 00:21:02,101
(horn honking)
568
00:21:02,102 --> 00:21:03,362
Hi,
thank you.
569
00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:06,832
Get your motherfucking hands
off me, man!
570
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,174
Are you trying
to get choked?
571
00:21:08,175 --> 00:21:09,475
I've seen people shit
on the street
572
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:11,210
because they've
got no toilet.
573
00:21:11,211 --> 00:21:12,511
This isn't
the Vernon I know.
574
00:21:12,512 --> 00:21:15,508
What did you say?
575
00:21:15,549 --> 00:21:16,849
You think this
is a game?
576
00:21:16,850 --> 00:21:18,543
You think this
is a fucking game?!
577
00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:19,411
(barking)
578
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,014
(laughing)
579
00:21:22,055 --> 00:21:23,749
(barking)
580
00:21:23,790 --> 00:21:25,484
Rockafella.
581
00:21:25,525 --> 00:21:27,653
(laughing)
582
00:21:27,694 --> 00:21:29,822
(barking)
583
00:21:29,863 --> 00:21:32,858
Now tell me brother,
where you gonna go
39719
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof